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Writing for Her Inner Child with Randi Pearlman Wolfson
58 Plays12 days ago
Randi Pearlman Wolfson is a Los Angeles based grief educator and author. After experiencing the death of her dad when she was ten years old, it became her life-long dream to provide hope and healing to grieving children and adults. For over twenty years, she has educated the community, including mental health professionals, clergy, students, teachers, and various other professionals, on the topic of grief.
As founder/writer at Grief & GRITS™ on Facebook and Instagram, Randi provides a caring heart and voice for little grievers™ and adult grievers. She is the author of “Eddie’s Brave Journey: How one little elephant learned all about grief” a story for the littlest of grieving hearts. To learn more about her book please go to: EddiesBraveJourney.com
Show Highlights
- Meet Randi Pearlman Wolfson: Introducing Randi, the founder of the popular grief community Grief and Grits and author of the children's book, Eddie's Brave Journey.
- A Lifelong Griever: Randi shares how the death her father when she was 10 in 1966 shaped her life, combining her personal experience with over a decade of professional work in the grief space.
- Writing for Her Inner Child: Randi's book, Eddie's Brave Journey, was written for her own 10-year-old self. In 1966, there were no children's grief books, so she created the resource she never had.
- The Story of Eddie: The book follows a little elephant named Eddie grieving his grandpa. Elephants were chosen because they are known to grieve as a community. The story uses direct language like "died" and teaches kids they can hold two feelings at once.
- Grief in Everyday Moments: Randi and Kendra discuss how small, daily disappointments (like a meal not turning out right or a friend canceling) are also forms of grief, and how these can be used to teach children about loss before they experience a major death.
- Talking About Grief Isn't Always Sad: Randi explains that creating a safe space for grief to "come out" is one of the greatest honors of her life and not inherently sad.
- Identifying as a "Little Griever": One of Randi's missions is to help adults who experienced the death of a parent in childhood identify as "little grievers," validating how that continues to shape them.
Contact Kendra Rinaldi at griefgratitudepodcast@gmail.com for more information about how to schedule a coaching call
To book a podcast https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/book-online
Recommended
Transcript
Podcast Introduction
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. I'm your host, Kendra Rinaldi. This is a space to explore the full spectrum of grief, from the kind that comes with death to the kind that shows up in life's many transitions. Through stories and conversations, we remind each other that we're not alone.
00:00:27
Speaker
Your journey matters, and here we're figuring it out together. Let's dive right in to today's episode.
Guest Introduction: Randi Perlman-Wolfson
00:00:40
Speaker
Today I'm chatting with Randi Perlman-Wolfson. She is the founder and writer at Grief and Grits. She is based out of Los Angeles and she is a grief educator and author. She recently released a book called Eddie's Brave Journey. It's a beautiful children's book, Little Elephant. It's the main character. We'll be talking about this character and just really What brought you, Randy, to this space of talking about grief? as here
00:01:13
Speaker
Here I am with a podcast about grief. You have an Instagram account that has a lot of information about grief, and now you have a book. So I'm excited for this conversation. So welcome, Randy.
00:01:25
Speaker
Thank you, Kendra. I'm really honored to be with you. I've been following your page and and your podcast for ah quite a while, so I'm excited to be with you.
Randi's Journey into Grief Work
00:01:36
Speaker
um i would say that what brought me to this space was kind of accidental in a way.
00:01:43
Speaker
I actually was working in the field of grief ah for about 12 years, and I left that position. um And when I left, I...
00:01:56
Speaker
needed to kind of figure out what was I going to do with all the knowledge that I had and my own personal experience of my dad dying when I was 10 years old. And I thought, you know, there's just got to be a way that I can kind of combine my personal experience with the professional experience to be able to give people just um a different perspective to hear from a lifelong griever, literally, with a, you know, a dash of personal experience and a dash of professional experience kind of thrown in together. So I started exactly eight years ago on Facebook.
00:02:37
Speaker
um I told myself that if I got 50 people to follow me by the end of the year in December, that I would keep going. And here I am eight years later, and um it's just been a you know really wonderful community. A few months later, I started on Instagram, and um I've enjoyed really every minute of being here um in the social media space, which I know is an unusual thing to hear because there's so much negative. But
00:03:10
Speaker
Maybe you have found the same thing, that in the grief community, I feel like you know it's just such a lovely, caring, compassionate community. So it's wonderful.
Building a Grief Community Online
00:03:22
Speaker
You said exactly what what I was going to say, is because you've created community. you're not on You're not on social media to just... you know, show everything that you are, you are there to create community. And I could see that on your posts, like the comments that people share, there's a lot of interaction within your posts. It's not just people consuming it, but also interacting with what you're sharing.
00:03:49
Speaker
so you, you're building that community of allowing people to be seen with what you're sharing. And so that That I think is what makes it really special and compelling and and and for you not draining because really it could be so draining when we're just posting and posting and it not feeling like is being received. But when you're having this communication with your community and it becomes a space in which within the comments, they're creating relationships too, right? That's really magical.
00:04:25
Speaker
Yeah, i I love that you noticed that and that you said that. And I agree it is. It's magical is a great word because grief is so lonely. And I think that was one of my biggest goals was to be able to.
00:04:42
Speaker
you know create a community. And thank goodness, so many people like yourself and so many other um you know pages on Instagram have been able to do that as well in the grief space. And um it's really one of the biggest honors of my life, to be honest. it it ah It is magical.
00:05:06
Speaker
All right.
Writing 'Eddie's Brave Journey'
00:05:07
Speaker
Now we're going to dive into a little bit more of your journey as your 10 year old self. And as you were talking about being 10, when your dad died, I had this question of like, Oh, well, why did you decide on a children's book? And then ah in my head, right. That was like one of the questions I thought I was going to ask you, but then I'm thinking, well, maybe she was writing it for her own 10 year old self. Like, I wonder if this was what she would have needed as a 10 year old self.
00:05:33
Speaker
Is that the case? Absolutely. So it's important to have context, especially because i was 10 years old when he died. it was 1966. I had just turned 10 a couple of months prior.
00:05:50
Speaker
And there was nothing, nothing to read. ah The only book my mom, 35-year-old widow, could find in the library was something like, now you are a widow, here's what to do with your finances. And that was it. There were no children's books.
00:06:11
Speaker
Thank goodness that is very different today. um But yeah, you know, ah about a year after I started Grief and Grits, I was really just sitting on my sofa and in popped this little elephant.
00:06:29
Speaker
And the whole story kind of unfolded. right then and there of what was going to happen with this little elephant who was grieving the death of his grandpa and was going to meet other animals along the way that would help him navigate his grief.
00:06:46
Speaker
And um so, yeah, that is exactly how the book came about. And um definitely for my own little 10-year-old heart, no doubt about it.
00:06:59
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, so beautiful. So in that moment, then your mom had found then a a book for herself, How were you guided then in your grief back then? Like what was, was there, were you members of a community that supported, was your grief talked about at all or not?
00:07:20
Speaker
Was your own emotion, were your own emotions acknowledged? And are you the only child? I have an older brother. he was 14. Yeah. How were the two of you then ah kind of, yeah, supported in that process then?
00:07:36
Speaker
You know, that's a wonderful question. um So the one thing that I do remember was my mom always allowed for conversation about my dad.
00:07:51
Speaker
So often, you know, especially back then, you would hear people say, um you know, kind of put pictures away, stop talking about the person, just, you know, move on.
00:08:03
Speaker
and my mother must have had some sort of an intuitive um ah knowledge that talking about him would be the right thing to do.
00:08:16
Speaker
So we we never stopped talking about my dad. As far as feelings go, i would say nobody knew what to do with feelings. um Even in school, you know, my mom has told me later, you know, later as I got older, that she asked my teacher, I was in fifth grade, you know, how is Randy doing? And the teacher would say, oh, she's fine.
00:08:40
Speaker
Because I was kind of a shy, quiet girl. I was doing okay with my schoolwork. And so everybody decided I was fine. And, you know,
00:08:52
Speaker
course we know there's nothing fine about being 10 years old and your dad dying. So I don't remember a doctor ever saying, you know, how is your grief? How are you doing? I heard your dad died.
00:09:06
Speaker
um So I think nobody knew, nobody knew what to say. Nobody knew, had the words really. um So sadly, i don't think I really ever began to address my grief until um maybe 10, 12 years later, when I was in a program becoming a therapist and needed to go into therapy and then began to address my grief, which I've done at various times throughout my life, because as you grow, of course, you see your grief differently, you feel it differently. So um yeah, it it
00:09:50
Speaker
Thank goodness. I think that today, you know, things are so different. There are grief support groups, there's therapy, there's grief camps for children, so many books now. So um I'm so grateful for that, you know, to be able to see that today. And even with all of that, it still is so hard to talk about.
Grief in Everyday Life
00:10:14
Speaker
It is. It's like, even if we know, like it's, we know we're going to die. We know we experience grief all the time. I actually... recorded a little episode that I have not released yet, but talking about literally, I feel we feel grief.
00:10:31
Speaker
every second, actually by the time this airs, I would have already released it, but we feel grief every single day because i think that a lot of times, like the things that we think are, i like I give this example in the recording that I did, it was like, let's say i make a dinner, and make a dinner and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is going to amazing. Oh my gosh, I added this. at the time You sit down at the dinner table and all of a sudden your family takes a bite, you take a bite and either maybe it's too salty, maybe it's too this.
00:11:03
Speaker
And there's this disappointment, there's this letdown. I literally experienced grief in that because the idea of what I thought was going to be is not, you know, you experience grief if like you're expecting to see a friend and all of a sudden they cancel on you and you really were looking forward to that call. I don't think it's just this emotion of disappointment. I really think there's a grief and in in these situations.
00:11:32
Speaker
ah in In a lot of the emotions that we just kind of call one thing, i really think that grief, like you said, is this underlying character in our lives constantly.
00:11:46
Speaker
I so agree with that. And I'll take that one step further. Please, please. Because what a beautiful way to start teaching children about grief before they experience the death of, let's say, a pet or a special person in their life.
00:12:02
Speaker
That we can start talking about those kinds of feelings even before they have that experience. So I love what you're saying, especially as a tool for beginning to teach children.
00:12:17
Speaker
Yeah, the conversation. How to navigate that, you know. Yeah, how to talk about it. Yeah, i i worked I worked with kids and there was one case in which this girl, like, she was it was like a drop-off and the mom had dropped off and she did not want to play...
00:12:31
Speaker
with the other kids. And she was like sitting in this little corner. And so I go to her and I'm like, I say her name and I'll just say, I'll just say Randy because I'm like, Randy, what, what's going on? She's like, I miss my mommy. And I'm like, Oh, I i understand.
00:12:46
Speaker
And I'm like, you know what? Did you know, did you know that you can miss your mommy And have fun at the same time.
00:12:57
Speaker
Did you know that? Because your mommy, she misses you too. She's missing you too, but she also wants you to have a good time. So how about we go over to the circle and join the friend?
00:13:08
Speaker
And she came over and like, I still get chills because it was not- i got chills too. I got chills because it's not something, it's not a language I would have used when I did this. You know, i it was basically, I went back to doing what I used to do a long time ago and did it.
00:13:22
Speaker
But with now with this knowledge of really that these emotions were grief, man, I'm like, man, if I could do parenting all over again with like, oh, yeah.
00:13:34
Speaker
Can I please just do my parenting all over again? I do over, please. I think I have the right words now to use for my kids when they were two and three and not not now. as you know But it is what it is. So, so and yes, it does help to have this understanding. Let's go back to Eddie in the character.
00:13:54
Speaker
So the friends he has, he he has a community. The people he encounters are the way. Share a little bit about that and also how that has played a part in your life to have people in your community.
00:14:07
Speaker
Oh, yeah. um So um Eddie, just to ah give you a little ah context about who he is, he's a little elephant. His grandpa Joe has died and is- my grandpa's name. really Oh, Yeah.
00:14:25
Speaker
Oh. and Well, I wanted it to be a character that um You know, anybody could relate to. there There is a place in the book where um the child, the reader, is asked, would you like to tell me who in your life has died?
00:14:44
Speaker
um So what I did was um Eddie has a best friend who's a so a squirrel named Solly. Solly was my dad's name. His name was Saul and his nickname was Solly. So of course I had to get him into my book somehow.
00:15:01
Speaker
And Solly the squirrel is Eddie's best friend who comes along with him on this very brave journey to go figure out how to navigate these great big feelings. And Solly in the book asks questions of the reader to help them have conversation about their grief.
00:15:22
Speaker
ah So it's very helpful to the parent or or a caregiver who's reading it to to you know, get some conversation going that might otherwise be difficult to know how to open up.
00:15:36
Speaker
And so Eddie goes along and he learns from um ah Pip the hippopotamus how to deal with anger. ah
Symbolism in 'Eddie's Brave Journey'
00:15:46
Speaker
There's a zebra who does exactly what you were just talking about and teaches Eddie about how you can have two feelings at the same time, more than one feeling at the same time, ah just like she has two colors on her.
00:15:59
Speaker
And she doesn't have to choose which one she likes better. She can have them. She can like both them at the same love it. Love Love it. Yeah. Yeah. So there's, you know, several animals that he comes across that help him make his way all the way to the end of the book where he feels like now he has some understanding of his great big feelings and and his grief and that he learns that he can always hold memories close to his heart and and always remember his grandpa Joe.
00:16:29
Speaker
And, um you know, the illustrations are are beautiful. And um what's nice about the book is i think, you know, because the illustrations are lovely, you can sit a one-year-old in your lap and begin to just look at the pictures and start naming the animals and just start using the word grief and death and died. and And the other thing about my book is I do use what I call real language.
00:16:57
Speaker
um Grandpa Joe has died. has not been lost or passed away. he has died because it's very- He not gone to sleep and then not woken up. Exactly. you know, with children are very, very literal. And so we have to make sure that we're using the the correct words. And I explain in the book what that means when somebody dies. um And I don't use any religious words because I feel it's important that families, you know, bring into the book what their own religious beliefs are. So, um so that's basically what Eddie is about. And, and um he's very sweet and,
00:17:39
Speaker
you know Elephants are just amazing animals. What made you choose an elephant to be, Eddie? Well, elephants, yeah. and What yeah yeah is it for you? Because they grieve. ella you know it They have been studied to um when an elephant dies, they they gather around the elephant and And they have those, um emotion you know, they experience those emotions. And so I just knew that it would be appropriate to, plus they're just, you know, amazing animals. They're so, you know, big and majestic. And
00:18:18
Speaker
um and mostly because they grieve. And i thought be perfect animal. Yeah. That's so that's so great. I did not know that. I did not know that that's how they navigate. Yeah.
00:18:32
Speaker
yeah Now you, then Eddie has this community. How was it then for you as you started and you became, you then went, became a therapist for what type of therapy and then what then made you kind of shift?
Career Evolution: From Teacher to Grief Therapist
00:18:46
Speaker
You said you worked in the grief space before. So share with us your professional journey as well and how your grief, you be you know your own grief kind of informed the way that you led your life.
00:19:00
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. So um I thought I was going to be a teacher like my dad, who was a school teacher, fourth and fifth grade school teacher. um And i I decided that that wasn't quite for me.
00:19:16
Speaker
And so I ended up going to school to become a therapist, a marriage and family therapist. And, you know, basically saw, I was very young at the time, so I saw a lot of young people. I saw groups.
00:19:30
Speaker
um And for a while was involved in raising my family. And then when I decided to get back into doing therapy, doing therapy or something, i thought, you know, it's time to really kind of dive into grief.
00:19:50
Speaker
And so I found a place where I was able to, I started as a volunteer and then I ended up getting a job and worked for, like I said, about 12, 13 years.
00:20:02
Speaker
um And it was just time for me to leave that particular job. And that's when, you know, grief and grit started. And, and, you know, what has been the biggest surprise is being able to, ah really interact with so many more people that way and from all over the world, really. And so, uh, it's,
00:20:27
Speaker
Just been amazing. Did I answer your question? Yes, you did. You did. You did. Thank you. I wanted to ask because my daughter asked me this. She's 17. She asked me this. Mom, always talking about grief, doesn't that make you sad?
00:20:41
Speaker
I ask you that because I'll tell you what. Doesn't that make you sad always talk about grief? Yeah. Randy, please share. Yes. How does it make you feel to talk about grief? yeah Yes. It's really the most... I know you won't see me, but... I know.
00:20:59
Speaker
I'll only use a little... I'll use this... I could use this clip for putting it up there on social media, it's like, I don't use it for the... Because he'll be listening to it. But yeah, we have our big smiles year to year. Yeah.
00:21:14
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. It's, fun you know, 17-year-olds, adults ask the same question. But i'll I'll tell you something funny. I remember, like, you know, when I first began working in the field ah specifically around grief, you know, you'd be at a party or an event or whatever. And, you know, people ask, what do you do? and of course, at first you say, oh, I work in the field of grief.
00:21:37
Speaker
And usually people kind of stop. Oh, isn't that hard? Oh, that's so sad. And then within about a minute, they start telling you about, well, you know, when my mom died or when my brother died, you know, and the next thing you know, they just want to spill their heart out.
00:21:58
Speaker
And, but it is not entirely sad. I don't want to say that it isn't sad because of course, at times it is sad. I mean, you know,
00:22:13
Speaker
When you're sitting across from people and taking in their stories and and um really, you know, being in it with somebody. Holding space and really being present.
00:22:28
Speaker
Absolutely. I mean, you feel what they're feeling. But... um but As a profession and and as a human being, um ah there has been no greater honor really in my life than to be able to talk with people about grief.
00:22:50
Speaker
And g grief has to come out. It cannot stay in. And it will come out in some way, hopefully.
00:23:03
Speaker
in healthy ways. And I think that's what those of us who are working in the field, uh, providing these spaces on Instagram or therapies, you know, as a therapist, as a group leader, whatever it is, is to make sure that people do have healthy and safe ways to, you know, move grief from the inside to the outside.
00:23:26
Speaker
And so that there is nothing sad about that. You know, it's, It's wonderful, really, to watch somebody be able to do that.
00:23:38
Speaker
Yes. I feel, too, that when we are living in what our purpose is, there you there's like I don't feel sad because of that. you know i feel Like you said, yes, like there are moments and there could be sadness in that moment, but because I really do feel a strong...
00:23:57
Speaker
calling purpose of being able to serve in this way, then it doesn't feel sad because this doesn't, you know, because you're really just following what you're called to do and what your life experiences kind of led you to be and serve in this capacity and walking alongside someone in their journey, whether it is by like them listening to a podcast or in your case, like doing the post, creating a book,
00:24:25
Speaker
my case also with the, you know, coaching one-on-one, the time, the time that you also used for, you know, when you were a therapist, it feels, it feels good to be able to serve in that way. So, so yeah, I completely, i completely agree.
Societal Grief and Collective Experiences
00:24:47
Speaker
Hi, I just had to come on and just kind of interrupt right now this episode that you're hearing. Thank you so much. I'm so grateful that you guys are listening to this conversation. And every single time i hear a guest, there's something new that I learn and something else that ends up showing up within me that I realize I still have to work on.
00:25:08
Speaker
And if by chance, as you're listening to this conversation, you're feeling the same, that there's parts of you that are being stirred up and you are navigating a life transition right now that feels just heavy and stressful and just layered with grief.
00:25:22
Speaker
I want you to know that you do not have to do it alone. I invite you to connect with me for a free 15 minute discovery call and we'll explore what's coming up for you and see if working together feels like the right fit. Just check the show notes below for my email and reach out for details.
00:25:42
Speaker
I'd really love to support you in integrating these transitions with more ease and clarity. Can't wait to hear back from you. Okay, let's keep on listening to the episode.
00:26:06
Speaker
I recently watched one of your Instagram posts regarding the grief that we feel as a society. And in this particular one, you were talking about the ah when JFK died and how it was never really like spoken that like everybody's, and so and in so in in life, we hear and we go through all these, we went through this in the pandemic as well, the grief we all felt as a, but yet sometimes the actual like words of what it is we're feeling are not shared.
00:26:43
Speaker
Can you talk about that, about just the understanding of this grief that sometimes we feel as societies and the importance of honoring that? Right, like a collective grief almost. collective yeah Yes, and like you say, I mean, of course, during the pandemic, I think we all were feeling that so strongly together.
The Value of Witnessed Grief
00:27:03
Speaker
um i i talk about JFK because I was eight years old when he was killed.
00:27:10
Speaker
And the interesting thing about that is, boy, I don't think there was a person that didn't feel that.
00:27:21
Speaker
Um, we had TV at the time. TV The trauma, right? The trauma too. You guys are in the middle of watching something and then all of a sudden you're seeing it play out live. Absolutely. You know, and of course they showed that film over and over and over and the funeral was on TV and, um,
00:27:42
Speaker
You know, it's interesting because I can't really remember if that was something my dad was still alive. I don't remember if we actually really spoke about it, but I know that we all watched it on television. Everybody did. In fact, i one of the things I said was, you know, um you either watched it in your home or you stood at a TV store in those days, there were stores, you know, dedicated to just buying a TV, or, you know, you went to the department store, and they had it turned on, whatever it was, you know, everybody was collectively
00:28:19
Speaker
um watching that and involved in that. And i think there's something very healing and and important about that, because, like you said, even during the pandemic.
00:28:36
Speaker
um I think we wanted to see things that on TV that brought us together, especially because we were all, you know, for a while, we were mainly in our homes and not really going anywhere. And um so I do. And i I think that's the importance, honestly, of all these Instagram pages and social media where people can come and grieve together in a sense and not feel so alone.
00:29:07
Speaker
I think grief, more than almost anything we experience, is something that should not be done alone, you know? Yeah. One of my guests said something like grief needs to be witnessed.
00:29:19
Speaker
And so that, that's why probably like in so many cultures either, like in the Jewish culture, the, this guest was a rabbi, um, was mentioning with said sitting Shiva. And so for example, that because the grief needs to be witnessed and so,
00:29:35
Speaker
and in that But it's really because it's accompaniment, right? It's bringing that community, bringing that support of others within that. And if we don't speak about emotions and we see them as taboo, then it's not
Embracing Unique Grieving Processes
00:29:50
Speaker
okay. When they're also like minimized, you know, when your grief is minimized, because sometimes you might even minimize your own grief.
00:29:59
Speaker
An example could be like if you had your pet die, but somebody else's loss is their parent and you're like, how am I going to be talking about me missing my dog? Or if they had, you know, you end up minimizing and comparing your grief.
00:30:16
Speaker
how does How does that grief comparison affect us in our grief when we bring that up? How have you seen that play out? Yeah, I think it's one of the hardest things that we can experience.
00:30:30
Speaker
um Obviously, you know, comparison just never works, to be honest, never. And in in so many different ways, it it can never work. For example, if somebody comes to you and says, you know, my mom died and you know, this is what I'm feeling and this is what I'm going through. And somebody says back, oh, I understand because when my mom died, you know, blah, blah. blah And even if somebody has experienced the death of the same person in their life, you cannot compare.
00:31:09
Speaker
We don't know the ins and outs of that person's relationship. and um And so it's never wise to compare.
00:31:20
Speaker
um I remember as a kid, i had ah ah i heard it through my life a couple of times where, oh, you know, it's so much worse to have your mom die than your dad.
00:31:34
Speaker
And okay, you know, I mean, what can you even possibly say to something like that? So... I think that, you know, when you're talking with another griever, it's really important to allow that person to have their time to say what they're feeling and ah and to be able to sit back and really allow for that person to have their experience of their feelings rather than trying to compare what that was like for you.
00:32:09
Speaker
It doesn't mean that you don't have the right to also talk about your grief. Yeah. What's the difference in that aspect? I was just thinking of that because I sometimes bring up like, oh, if I say it, it's more for the relatability, not the comparison, but the aspect of the not trying to say I understand because literally I cannot understand what you are going through.
00:32:31
Speaker
But I've lived through grief in this way, whether it's, you know, ah don't don't know. it cant It cannot be the same because it's not even the same for my own siblings, even if we all leave lose, this you know. Yes, exactly. So how...
00:32:45
Speaker
how how like In that aspect of the sharing of of that accompaniment per se or that empathy of relatability, do you do you have a special way in which you could say like in that like are there are certain words that you feel resonate if someone wanted to sit with that person, hear their story, but then also say...
00:33:09
Speaker
i'm I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it I've also lost XYZ. If not, not saying that, like, I don't know. Like, do you have any good tips? You know, honestly, I mean, I think that what you're saying is,
00:33:22
Speaker
is ah absolutely one way to be able to say, you know, i I'm really hearing your pain and in your heart. And I remember when, you know, my dad died, i had so many feelings as well.
00:33:40
Speaker
And you can even ask, you know, you know, would it be helpful if I share some of what my experience of grief was like? And they may say, you know, I'd like to hear that, but not right now.
00:33:53
Speaker
or you know some other time, or yes, please tell me, what was it like for you? How did you get through this? um So I think there's nothing wrong with saying, you know gosh, i I understand grief.
00:34:10
Speaker
I've been here too. Instead of saying, oh, I know just what you're feeling because you know my dad died too, and I know exactly what that's like. And you know that...
00:34:21
Speaker
d Can you hear the difference? Yeah, completely. And then we end up hijacking the conversation because then we take it all to be about ourselves rather than in that moment it being about the griever.
Facilitating Grief Groups Effectively
00:34:32
Speaker
we like It's like, oh, you went through this and then I went through it and then you end up going on your own. Hmm. You're taking a hijacking exactly is the word. Yeah, you hijack it. um And man, i cans i can even even as somebody that does accompaniment, I know I've hijacked conversations many times. Maybe not about me, but we all do.
00:34:52
Speaker
We all do. We're humans and sometimes these things go, and you're like, man, I should have done that. Right. This part of hearing people's stories, I'm thinking back to the group setting of hearing people being in a space in which, and I volunteered in a setting that was this space and for that people had experience, like each group, for example, would group, and I don't know if that was kind of why we were in, based on the type of loss that they had experienced, whether was a parent.
00:35:21
Speaker
So in that scenario, then for some people, it's extremely helpful. And for other people, they go one time and they're like, this is not for me. it Like, it's just not the space.
00:35:35
Speaker
what do you What do you feel and that is, let's say, the sweet spot like of these conversations for them to really, truly work when you're bringing up people sharing their stories?
00:35:51
Speaker
Well, I think that the first thing is that people... I think that one of the first guidelines for a group situation is not giving advice to somebody else and talking about what worked for you.
00:36:11
Speaker
And that was where I saw real connection happen in groups because i think, you know, in when, when grief is very fresh. So when somebody first dies in your life,
00:36:27
Speaker
It can be so hard to hear what anybody else has to say. And that is how it is in the very beginning. It should be all about you and you should be turned inward and deep into your grief. And it's almost impossible to hear whole group of other people talking about the death that they experienced.
00:36:50
Speaker
But there comes a point after several months where you, you know, I think a lot of times grievers can begin to feel like, wow, you know, I'm kind of longing to hear what somebody else has to say and how are they getting through this?
00:37:06
Speaker
And so it's sort of paying attention to that. Are you feeling like you're ready to take in what somebody else might be feeling and experiencing?
00:37:17
Speaker
And then I think it's really to to whoever is leading the group to be able to make sure that people aren't piling on each other and say, well, you know, you really shouldn't have done that.
00:37:28
Speaker
Or let me tell you what you need to do next time. So I think that's really the, the, what brings about the beauty of um a group situation is really being able to hear how somebody else is moving through this.
00:37:48
Speaker
And that's the key of a good facilitator to to be able to facilitate that conversation in a way that it's that when people are sharing, it's being loving. And it's it's it's being Yeah, they're, they're again, not trying to, like you said, give advice, but more just sharing their own experience and not trying to tell somebody else how they should be.
00:38:07
Speaker
Yeah. Grieving or what? Yeah. I love that. Thank you. Thank you for for yeah sharing that. What are some of the things that most people like ask you to share about grief?
Content Creation and Personal Reflection
00:38:21
Speaker
Like when you come and like, cause to have topics, you know, to have the page to come on and do topics, like what are these things that you're like, Oh, I need to talk about this one. Is it because people have come to you? And what are some of these questions that people have about grief?
00:38:38
Speaker
On my page, you mean specifically? Like how do I come about to write about what I write about? um So... ah It's just whatever I feel like that morning, to be honest. I love it.
00:38:54
Speaker
I love it. Whatever has to come up. That's my great secret. Yes. I hear it. No, I understand. that's That's mine too. But sometimes it's like if my chance, hey, I've noticed so Sally and Penny and so-and-so have all been experiencing this. like Like right now for me, I'm noticing all this grief around all alert the kids going to college and the comparison even in the grief of,
00:39:17
Speaker
whether, whether they're feeling that their child's going away. And I haven't done one about this, but it's like, Oh, or whether even grieving that your child didn't end up going to the school you thought they were going to go and they're staying home or they're doing this all of these. And then comparing, oh this person posted about their child going to, and now they're all set up in their dorm.
00:39:38
Speaker
I, my kid's staying home and commuting. I don't have that. So there's grief around even that. And I think of that, right? Is that how yours kind of comes about? Is like why she's a buzz?
00:39:49
Speaker
My, so my page is specifically about grief after a death. So i I don't go into other kinds of topics like that. So mine does stay, you know, very specific to that. centered Yeah.
00:40:05
Speaker
Yeah. And, you know, I think, um you know, sometimes if there's been a, like a death of a celebrity that I feel moved to write about, I might do that. um And a lot of it is, you know,
00:40:21
Speaker
you know really trying to I think what I try mostly to do is often take an experience of mine, either as a child or now as an adult. I'll share that experience and then somehow take it two what might be universal about that.
00:40:40
Speaker
So I hope that by reading a personal story and then somehow showing how that can be universal... I think that's what helps um ah people can connect.
00:40:53
Speaker
The relatability, yeah. Yes. Again, because you're seeing yourself in that person's story. So when you're sharing, and like you see yourself. I love that. Randy, is there something I have not asked you that you're like, oh my goodness, we need to say this. I need to say this to her audience, to this audience that's listening.
00:41:12
Speaker
I think you know the main thing um that I... There are two things I, well, there's more than two things, but two things that um I really love to focus on on my page is one, ah because I was what I call a little griever, I still relate to myself as a little griever because I still carry my little 10-year-old heart inside of me.
00:41:39
Speaker
um And I really want people out there who were little grievers to also be able to recognize that in themselves who are now adults.
00:41:51
Speaker
That's really important to me because I think there are so many people out there that were little grievers that have never had a name to put to it. Um,
00:42:02
Speaker
never really understood that about themselves as adults. So um that has been a wonderful thing to see people come forward and say, oh my gosh, that's what I am. I'm a little griever.
00:42:14
Speaker
And so that's been um just a wonderful thing. ah The other thing is that i because I'm a griever for almost 60 years, I want people to know that it is a lifelong life.
00:42:30
Speaker
meandering through this thing we call grief. and But that if we can learn to understand what grief is, if we can learn to meet our ourselves where we are.
00:42:43
Speaker
i mean, to this day, 60 years later, i can be in the grocery store and see my dad's birthday on a, you know, stamped on the lettuce.
00:42:55
Speaker
I can you know devolve into tears. And you know what? That's okay. I love my dad. And I want that to happen. And I want that to be okay. And I want and other people to know that that's okay too.
00:43:12
Speaker
So those are real important things for me um as part of what I want to get across on on Grief and Grits. I love it.
00:43:22
Speaker
Thank you, Randy.
Connecting with Randi
00:43:24
Speaker
So now how can people get in touch with you? How can people get the book? So Grief and Grits is your website. Is that correct? Yes. So Grief and Grits is my page on Instagram and Facebook.
00:43:36
Speaker
My website for the book is either grief and grits, all one word, or Eddie's Brave Journey. um Either way. And I don't sell the book anywhere else. That's the only place. that Okay.
00:43:49
Speaker
So only on the website. Perfect. Only on my website. It'll be like linked in the show notes. So people make sure on their show notes or if they're following your pages, then Instagram and Facebook, they can get it.
00:44:00
Speaker
Yes, exactly. and And then can people connect with you? So aside from following, is that do you still do one-on-one? Like, do you still do one-on-one coaching? I don't. you no I don't do any one-on-one. But I am very happy if people want to reach out to me, they can do that either through my website. they You can DM me on Instagram. so um you know People do all the time message me or ask me a question about grief. um Just sometimes message me just to let me know that something has touched them or um how they're dealing with something. And that's wonderful and I love it. So I'm always happy when people reach out.
00:44:43
Speaker
I love that. Thank you, Randy. Thank you so much again for being in a space and sharing Eddie with us and shedding is also sharing your little, little Randy with us too. and And how little Randy came into becoming now Randy and the gifts that you bring to this world with the work that you do. So thank you. And may I just say that, um,
00:45:09
Speaker
I appreciate you. And you're so gentle and so kind. And it's so easy to be here with you. And I just want to thank you for all that you're doing in the grief space as well. Now do you make me cry.
00:45:21
Speaker
go good Thank you so much, Randy. Yeah, I mean that from my heart. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.
00:45:33
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief.
00:45:46
Speaker
If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:46:02
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me.
00:46:14
Speaker
And thanks once again for tuning in to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray In Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.