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To the Men Who Feel Like They Have to Be Strong All the Time
100 Plays10 months ago
Men are often taught to be strong, but rarely taught how to process emotion.
In this raw and vulnerable episode, I reflect on men’s mental health, emotional suppression, and the silent pressure many men carry to keep it together. Through personal experience and the men I’ve loved and known — including my own father — this is a reminder that vulnerability is not weakness.
If you’ve ever felt like you had to hide your pain, suppress your emotions, or carry the weight of life alone, this conversation is for you. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to ask for help. And it’s okay to feel deeply.
Because emotional openness isn’t soft — it’s human. And it matters.
Alexa, play "Call Me First" by Tyler Braden
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please know that you're not alone. There is help out there, and reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. You can always call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for immediate support. For men specifically, I highly recommend checking out Man Therapy, a resource designed to help you understand and manage your mental health. Visit www.mantherapy.org to find helpful tools and guidance. Remember, it’s okay to feel, and it’s okay to ask for help. You matter.
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Transcript
Introduction: Silent Emotional Burdens
00:00:01
Heather Morgan
This episode is for the men carrying silent weight. For the ones who've been told they're strong for staying quiet when they're really just hurting alone.
00:00:15
Heather Morgan
To the man who's never heard it's okay to fall apart, this is for you.
00:00:23
Heather Morgan
Before we dive in today's episode, I want to offer a gentle disclaimer.
Addressing Men's Mental Health: Why It Matters
00:00:29
Heather Morgan
This conversation will touch on potentially sensitive topics, including mental health, emotional struggles, and the loss of people that we love, some of who left far too soon.
00:00:41
Heather Morgan
So if you or someone you know is struggling, please know you're not alone. There is support out there and your story matters. I've included resources in the show notes if you need someone to talk to.
00:00:55
Heather Morgan
I also want to take a moment to honor the men I've known, men I was grateful cross paths with and have in my life who carried more than they ever let on.
00:01:07
Heather Morgan
This episode is for them.
00:01:11
Heather Morgan
All right. and So before we get into this topic that many of us are silent about, I want to say welcome to Wandering the Wild Mass.
The Importance of Support: Seeing and Hearing Men
00:01:22
Heather Morgan
Doing an episode like this has been on my heart for some time now for a number of reasons. and certain things have recently occurred that have shown me even more and and kind of really felt like this was the time to be vulnerable in this space about how I feel on this topic.
00:01:47
Heather Morgan
I have always really had a soft spot for um the importance of all of all people having the ability to be seen and heard.
00:02:03
Heather Morgan
And, ah gee, gee. Okay. Let's get it together, Heather. um And when I started this podcast, I definitely... didn't really want to brand it just for the girls.
00:02:16
Heather Morgan
Not that I am not so grateful to be a girl and love women, but because I see the importance of everyone in this world. And I feel like there are so many great women supporting women, but not always loudly enough are there women supporting men.
00:02:39
Heather Morgan
And I'm not saying it doesn't happen. And I'm not saying that you have to be someone that does. But in my heart and soul um and how I try to portray the stories that I tell is just we're all human and we're all trying to figure it out.
00:02:54
Heather Morgan
And we all have our different trials and our different difficulties and different things that make this world and society add pressure to our lives.
Personal Reflection: A Father's Emotional Journey
00:03:05
Heather Morgan
Right. and I think but one of the biggest reasons why this topic has been so important and on my heart and soul for so long is just that I was very blessed to have probably the most amazing human being as a father.
00:03:24
Heather Morgan
And not only was he just a good human, he was just genuinely a kind person. And I've talked about him if you've listened the podcast episode. I really did not understand even closely to how blessed I was growing up until I've seen the stories of others.
00:03:44
Heather Morgan
And this isn't to compare. This is just for me to simply be able to reflect and say, I'm so grateful. And because of that, I see and know and appreciate the love and kindness in men.
00:03:58
Heather Morgan
And what's adding to that is not only was my father such a great person, but he had struggles that he wasn't able to show or share.
00:04:10
Heather Morgan
And I know he would allow me to tell a bit of his story because he was who he was. And I'll give you a little background when I'm kind of bringing in why i hope, you know, and if you're a woman and still listening, I love that because I really want you to understand why it's just such a great place for us to be when we can all see each other for exactly who we are and not put so much additional pressure when it comes to expectations from a gender role perspective. I'm not saying you can't have things that you want in a partner, but sometimes things are a little unrealistic.
00:04:52
Heather Morgan
And this is where I'll go with my dad's story. So my dad growing up was the only boy. He had ah three sisters.
00:05:04
Heather Morgan
And, you know, he was his his mom's like a light of her life. She wanted all boys. she had him. But my grandfather was, you know, military, um very, you know, you – you know, and even back in that time, even take away the military, it was just a time, you know, my dad's born in like 1959. So even then it was just like a different time where – um You know, kids don't really say their feelings. They don't really have a voice, right? And especially not a boy. Like, you don't have feelings, right?
00:05:40
Heather Morgan
um And so a lot of his life, he really suppressed his emotions and didn't speak up, ask a lot of questions, didn't just didn't really have the right to feel. And I'm not blaming, like, my family, my grandfather anything.
00:05:57
Heather Morgan
my grandmother, or anyone in my family, they're all great people. My grandpa has passed. ah My grandma's still alive here at 96, but, or not 97. Anyways. So, but I know she knows the story to be true.
00:06:11
Heather Morgan
And because of that, I'll fast forward, but my dad you know carried that burden on silently. And in between my myself and my so little sister, my dad had my parents had lost a child.
00:06:29
Heather Morgan
I had a little brother. And i was only two and a half when he was born, so I don't remember the instance. But fast forward, when I was ah about in sixth grade, my dad had what we would call like an episode, basically just really like a ah mental breakdown.
00:06:50
Heather Morgan
um You know, and he was a very quiet person. It wasn't like that kind of breakdown. He had like a seizure. And I won't go like overly into the story, but basically it was while his parents were arguing. We were in Illinois.
00:07:05
Heather Morgan
and It really changed the trajectory of who my father was after that incident like happened. It really took a lot of time of him working through a lot of mental things.
00:07:19
Heather Morgan
And when we talked later, we were super close. My father was just such a really – he just such a kind, great person. And I remember him telling me that he didn't even cry when my brother died, like at the funeral or anything, because he didn't feel like he could. And it wasn't until all of this happened and he literally had like a mental breakdown in his life that he could even release emotions.
00:07:48
Heather Morgan
And if that's true for him, i know that's true for many men.
Societal Expectations: The Silent Battle
00:07:54
Heather Morgan
Because they don't want to be seen as weak. And it seems like they're not allowed to say how they feel or to ask for help or to cry.
00:08:07
Heather Morgan
Dang it. Good thing I'm a girl, huh? Just cry all day on the episode. All right. I'm just trying to keep it real, so I'll keep going either way. I'm sorry. But i'm I'm telling you all this because when it comes down to someone you love feeling that way, you really can understand that it doesn't make sense to put that pressure and burden on people that you care about in your life.
00:08:33
Heather Morgan
And to me, that's other men. any man. And just because he was ah man, he couldn't feel emotions. And it just seems so silly to me.
00:08:48
Heather Morgan
That so often we silently battle with things and then at some point they manifest into our life, right? And for my father, that was having, you know, a mental illness that he had to manage.
00:09:06
Heather Morgan
And for other men, it's not as long of a battle because they just don't feel important enough to be here anymore. Right?
00:09:17
Heather Morgan
And I have seen that in my life since just my dad. And I don't want to share anyone else's story, so I'm going to keep this very vague.
00:09:27
Heather Morgan
But throughout my life, I have met and been literally close with men that have, you know, chosen to not be here anymore.
00:09:42
Heather Morgan
And that's really hard for me because you always think like, could I have said something more? And I'll tell a little story about even the craziest why it calls me so much. And I feel like I have to share this message is because like a long like a long ago, and this is just a story that comes up and I'll tell you, you know, why I think this is important. But there was a man that I went to high school with.
00:10:09
Heather Morgan
And I'm going to try to keep it super vague so I don't reveal anything. But I went to high school with and he was on our football team. And I i was kind of for acquaintances, friends. Like I guess it's not like I really hung out with him. I knew who he was.
00:10:26
Heather Morgan
And I rarely even got on Facebook back then. It was like when I was still um with my ex-husband. And anyways, this man was married. It wasn't like that. Like um It was just he had messaged me. I rarely check my messenger and I thought, oh, I never heard from this person. This is weird. Maybe it's like spam.
00:10:47
Heather Morgan
So I looked at it and he said something like, hey, Heather, I just wanted to reach out. I have always felt like you weren't judgmental and I could tell you anything. You were just that kind of a person and I need to tell you something about me.
00:11:07
Heather Morgan
And I was like, in my head at the time, I was kind of like, this is a little strange because we weren't really close. But like, I guess I'll just, you know, so I said, of course, you know, um what, you know, what's what's on your mind, you know? And he was a nice guy. So it's not like I was thinking anything weird.
00:11:24
Heather Morgan
And he proceeded to tell me something that wouldn't necessarily be very acceptable for some people. And I could definitely see why some men wouldn't want to be loud about what he told me.
00:11:41
Heather Morgan
and I didn't really know what to say because it for me, it felt really odd for him to be telling me such a personal thing. But I just responded and just was like, okay, well, that you know that's that's you and that's great. And you you know there's nothing to be ashamed of. like i I don't remember my exact words. I was just trying to be as accepting and loving of the situation as I could.
00:12:10
Heather Morgan
And he was like, yeah, thanks. I just needed to get that off my chest, you know? And so later I, you know, and maybe you'd think like, is this a joke? But like, why would he was like married? Like, there's no reason.
Coping with Loss: The Impact of Silence
00:12:21
Heather Morgan
Like it was just, you know, and that was that.
00:12:24
Heather Morgan
And I didn't really think about it again. I didn't tell anybody because it was not anything, you know, but not much later.
00:12:34
Heather Morgan
Not much later at all, I learned that he passed away
00:12:41
Heather Morgan
through posts, like high school posts on Facebook. And i realized,
00:12:48
Heather Morgan
and i I don't know, so I'm not making assumptions, but my heart felt that he was trapped in that place because he wanted to reach out to me who hadn't seen him in years to tell me something very personal about
00:13:10
Heather Morgan
And that's, again, when things just continue to be like that, where I would just have these interactions with men telling me like really hard things about their life and me wanting to help them, but not really knowing how.
00:13:30
Heather Morgan
There was an another man in my life who was really important to me um that also um
00:13:43
Heather Morgan
didn't realize all his worth and left too soon.
00:13:47
Heather Morgan
And I wish we all could just understand how important we are to this world and not get stuck in our heads and feel like we don't have it's not that like we don't have the ability to just be whom we are and find the right people that will love us.
00:14:07
Heather Morgan
Maybe we're staying in places we're not meant to be too long because we feel like that's all we've ever known, but we can leave those places and find the people in our lives that want us there, that love to see us grow, that accept us for who we are.
00:14:22
Heather Morgan
We're allowed to have feelings. It's not weak for a man to have feelings. It's human. you know And I'm not saying you're going to be like on the couch eating bonbons crying over like some rom-com.
00:14:37
Heather Morgan
But if you're feeling something, that's not invalidated by the fact that you're a man.
00:14:47
Heather Morgan
You are able to have emotions and feelings.
00:14:51
Heather Morgan
It's literally a human thing. And I feel like there's so many times where we put weakness with that. But honestly, in the way that this society makes us feel, i think it's almost a strength to be able to share that you're struggling.
00:15:10
Heather Morgan
It's strong for the people that love you in your life, that want to see you thrive. It's strong for you if you have family and children that are struggling So happy to have you in their life.
00:15:26
Heather Morgan
I feel like there's so many men that think that if they have feelings, they're broken, but they're not broken. You just haven't been allowed to be whole.
00:15:38
Heather Morgan
And this is me telling you that you are allowed to be whole. You are allowed to have feelings. You're allowed to have emotions. The greatest thing about men is that they can have feelings, but they're not usually overdramatic, which is great. and um i mean, I'm generalizing here, but for the most part. So to like kudos to y'all.
00:15:59
Heather Morgan
And I feel like that's even me a little. Maybe that's why I resonate. I feel like i I get emotional. I can be, but i I can let it go and move through it. And I think that's honestly the strength in a man is that he can hold tough when he needs to, but he still needs to release that feeling.
00:16:17
Heather Morgan
Because otherwise, it just like anything else in life, it goes to resentment or anger or this or that.
00:16:23
Heather Morgan
And I know us as women, like I hear from other women that like, oh, well, men are this or that. And they're just angry. And there's this. Yeah. If I was holding in my emotions for, you know, 20 plus years too, i' I'd be pretty emotional.
00:16:37
Heather Morgan
I mean, I'd be pretty angry. Sorry. You know, like, and i'm I'm not defending what, there's no one to defend. This is all humans, right? We're all just humans. But what I'm saying is like, yeah, yeah.
00:16:50
Heather Morgan
When a kid doesn't, and when a kid can't tell you what it needs and it's there and it's throwing a tantrum and you don't know, and just gets, it's, and you're getting angry and it's getting angry. It's because it needs to say what it needs to say and it can't communicate.
00:17:04
Heather Morgan
That is what it feels like when you don't share your true feelings with the world because the world is telling you that you're not allowed to.
00:17:13
Heather Morgan
And the only feelings that seem to be acceptable
00:17:17
Heather Morgan
is anger because that's expected. He should be angry. He should be tough. And the the crazy thing is is, yeah, should he be a protector? 100% I want a man that's a protector.
00:17:29
Heather Morgan
So I feel that. But men protect because they have feelings, because they care about you as their partner, as their wife, as their and is the father, all those things.
00:17:41
Heather Morgan
The whole reason a man's greatness of him being a protective person is because he has feelings and cares about you enough to protect. So then to tell him he can't have feelings, how is he going to protect?
00:17:56
Heather Morgan
Having feelings is exactly why he is such a good protector and provider. Because he innately wants to care for the people he loves in his life.
00:18:09
Heather Morgan
And that is the magic.
00:18:11
Heather Morgan
of men in their protector. Like it's, it's, it's a, it's a beautiful thing. I would not have called my dad at all an angry person. I never heard him yell in his life. I was with a very, i had a very calm man and I actually had a very like calm ex-husband as well. So I don't do well with men that yell, but I can tell you both of those very calm men, if they needed to protect me, they would have.
00:18:40
Heather Morgan
they would have. And there's so much power in just allowing um a man to have a hard day, to feel emotions.
00:18:52
Heather Morgan
Because just like the rest of us, all of us are just wanting to be seen or understood or heard or felt. All of us. that's what That's what we want. And so when we allow...
00:19:06
Heather Morgan
A man to be that, guess how great even greater he is because you are allowing him space to be seen. And being seen is honestly, to me, when someone sees you, truly sees you for who you are, that is when you're when love is real.
00:19:26
Heather Morgan
That is when your soul stops. The world doesn't matter. Like you feel i am seen by this person and they love me for exactly who I am. So how can we love so deeply if we're not seeing it all?
Encouragement and Distraction: Finding Relief
00:19:41
Heather Morgan
I want to tell one more little story um ah even back one of one of my favorite people that's no longer a friend of mine or I still consider him a friend but cannot be no more.
00:19:54
Heather Morgan
There was a time where he was also struggling And i remember that my ex knew the story and the struggles and he was definitely not in a good headspace.
00:20:08
Heather Morgan
um It wasn't looking like a good scenario. But him and I, because he was my great friend too, he had set told me that he was going to run this five k with me.
00:20:22
Heather Morgan
And i was trying to we were trying to do this thing like, OK, we're doing different things, blah, blah, blah. And um he he promised that he'd run it with me and we had to go and get the packets. Well, the day before the race is when he was struggling. And um and my ex and his family, everyone was trying to, like, figure out, well, what are we going to do?
00:20:43
Heather Morgan
And I had texted him because I – and i pretended as if I didn't know because it really wasn't my business, was it? Either way, i just pretended I didn't know. And I said, hey, are you coming to get the packets with me? i can go grab them.
00:20:58
Heather Morgan
I get no reply. I proceed to go. I'm going to get our packets either way. He's going to be at that race with me. I refuse to believe that any ah other scenario is going to happen here.
00:21:09
Heather Morgan
So I went and picked up our packets for the race. It was like we had to be down there at like 6 a.m. or whatever the next day for the race. ah So I text him again and I say, hey, I got our packets. I send a picture.
00:21:22
Heather Morgan
Can't wait for the race. Not even mentioning all I know that's really going on. Just giving him a reason and a purpose for something more than all of the craziness in his head.
00:21:33
Heather Morgan
Like I knew this man was a super kind, loyal, caring person he I was depending on him to run this race with me in the morning. And it was just me and him. So he couldn't not show up. Right.
00:21:47
Heather Morgan
I knew his character. And so I didn't have to bring up anything about what I knew was going on. I just knew in my head that this man would not not show up for me the next morning.
00:22:01
Heather Morgan
So later that night, I'm like, OK, I'm hitting the hay. Do you want me to come get you in the morning are you going to meet me there? i get a text back that night. He said, yeah, come grab me.
00:22:17
Heather Morgan
And he ran that race with me the next morning. And it was early. got us some coffee. We're there. It's freezing cold in Utah. i think it was January, February.
00:22:29
Heather Morgan
I never spoke a word about what I knew and where I knew his head was the night before.
00:22:35
Heather Morgan
But I feel like that race a little bit, I'm not going to take credit. I'm not saying that. But I feel like There was a reason that we had that race.
00:22:47
Heather Morgan
i didn't I treated it just like a dude. And I think sometimes like us as women, we we love to like solve problems too. We want to ask all these questions. Tell me how you're feeling. Tell me how. Sometimes it's just the distraction for a moment.
00:23:01
Heather Morgan
I knew if he wanted to tell me, he would. But I knew he knew I knew. knew knew. He knew i knew
00:23:09
Heather Morgan
would know. i would know But I didn't bring it up and neither did he. And we had such a great time. He kicked butt. He ran so fast. Like I don't remember his time, but it was wild because he doesn't even run that much. But he's one of those people that's just good at everything.
00:23:24
Heather Morgan
And I so I'm not surprised at all. But it's like I was not going to just sit there and watch another man that just doesn't understand how amazing he is.
00:23:35
Heather Morgan
just fall into this headspace. And I felt like if I was pressuring him and asking him and like doing that in a way of like, come on, but like I just wanted to say it really, hey, see you tomorrow. Just not even like there's another option and not in a forceful, just in this like really like kind, hey, buddy, can't wait to run this race with you kind of way.
00:24:03
Heather Morgan
Okay. So I feel really good getting a little bit of this off my chest and I'm going to wrap this up. But what I'll say is that the other last piece is that I lost a back home friend.
00:24:17
Heather Morgan
And i'm not making any thoughts or assumptions, but every time someone dies too soon, i just am heartbroken because like I said, i lost my dad when he was 49 years old.
00:24:35
Heather Morgan
And I just feel like that is not
00:24:38
Heather Morgan
fair sometimes because I'd love to talk to him all the time, but I do. And my dad's situation, I mean, his mental health, um it wasn't his choice, but the type of medication you have to take when you're dealing with such a severe mental illness is very hard on the body.
00:25:00
Heather Morgan
And although, you know, he was happy, all those years where he suppressed brought him, i mean, that really did its own set of damage on his on his heart.
00:25:15
Heather Morgan
Because you're holding things in and you're not being true to yourself. and as I see that as just such ah difficult thing, I just think with losing that back home from it just reminded me how important it is for me to just be honest about how I feel about men being able to have feelings.
00:25:40
Heather Morgan
my back home friend, he was one of the kindest people. I have the best stories from are a lot of my 20s was with him. And he was kind of like, he was one of my ex-husband's best friends. And we just had so much fun together.
00:25:58
Heather Morgan
ah He was truly my friend and ah on his own. And it's kind of strange. I feel like when I say this, because it's like, oh yeah, what was he? just But no, like
00:26:09
Heather Morgan
I was very blessed to have my ex-husband had the best group of guy friends and I'm very grateful I got to call each of them my friends on their own even though I didn't get them in the – you know, when they say – I mean, I didn't get the take the friendship with me and that's completely fine and I understand why.
00:26:29
Heather Morgan
But I thought this person was just one of the kindest humans and – It just made me reflect that sometimes we just lose. It's really true. The good, good the good leave us too soon.
00:26:44
Heather Morgan
The good die young, all of that.
Conclusion: Embracing Emotions for Well-being
00:26:47
Heather Morgan
But this is not to say, I know you're good, so don't, but don't leave us. This is, this is a message to just remind you that it's okay to have feelings.
00:26:57
Heather Morgan
It's okay to have emotions. It's okay to be,
00:27:04
Heather Morgan
To say, hey, you know, I'm i'm struggling. This is what I need.
00:27:10
Heather Morgan
This is what I need. It's okay to cry when something hurts. It's not like you're crying forever. It's not like you cry over everything. I mean, I get it. You're not going to cry over a stubbed toe maybe like fair, valid.
00:27:24
Heather Morgan
Even I don't. But like if you're having some deep, hard things that you're going through in your life, it is okay to let it out. It is okay to feel those things and be vulnerable and tell the people in your life.
00:27:43
Heather Morgan
Tell your buddy. And I'll tell you one more thing before I wrap this up in case you need to hear it. There are men that are open, like open to listening to their buddies talk about this stuff.
00:27:57
Heather Morgan
It's not like every dude in your life is going to be like, I mean, what if you don't have a woman, if you want, like some guys are like, I just don't know if, I think you're some of y'all are like, oh, I don't know if he's down to talk about it. It'll feel weird. but look You know, like there are some guys out there that are like, yeah tell me you're having a rough time.
00:28:15
Heather Morgan
Tell me how you feel. Sometimes they want that. They want to be able to tell tell a buddy that without judgment. So not only do you have the ability to do that and be that with everyone in the world, but even your own friends.
00:28:29
Heather Morgan
Test it out. If you don't want to tell a girl, a woman, tell your buddy because I i think that there's more of you out there in my experience of talking to men that actually feel like They would be down to talk to that about their buddy, but they're just feeling like it would be weird for them to start the combo or something.
00:28:52
Heather Morgan
It's not weird. It's not weird. It's an emotion, buddy. Like you're you're good. You could still be the best elk hunter west of the Mississippi and cry if you lose your dad.
00:29:11
Heather Morgan
Cry if your heart is hurting because of something that happened to you in your childhood that you've never released.
00:29:19
Heather Morgan
Cry if you just truly feel like you're lost and you need to pivot.
00:29:25
Heather Morgan
You don't have to have it all figured out. That's the purpose of this podcast. We don't have it all figured out. Nobody has it all figured out. And men are no exception. Men are no exception. You don't have to have it all figured out.
00:29:38
Heather Morgan
Yes, there's so many great unique qualities that men bring that are different to what but women bring to this world. But one of which is not, oh yeah, you guys can't have any feelings or emotions.
00:29:49
Heather Morgan
All right. We got through it. I only cried a little bit. So now this is your your opportunity to feel all the feels, to feel all the feels.
00:30:00
Heather Morgan
I hope this hits your heart a little like it touched mine. I hope this reminds you and you can come back to it when you need the reminder that you are important to this world.
00:30:11
Heather Morgan
You matter.
00:30:13
Heather Morgan
And there's so many people that want you to stick around. There's so many amazing things you're going to do in this life. So don't forget your purpose for being here. There's so much light that you bring to people and you are allowed to have feelings.
00:30:28
Heather Morgan
All right. You're allowed to be tired. You're allowed to ask for help. You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to feel that you're so deeply loved because you are.
00:30:43
Heather Morgan
Okay. Thank you so much for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.