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18. Never Change To Make Others Happy, Make Your Happiness A Priority [SOLO EPISODE]
77 Plays3 years ago
Never blame yourself for things that is out of your control, but if it is in your control then own it and learn from it. Believe in yourself enough to trust that you are good enough and deserving of everything you want in life, but you also have to put in the work for that to happen. Stop playing the victim mentality, realize that everything that happens is happening for a reason and make it all a life lesson.
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Transcript
Introduction and Mission
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of Unlocking with Adam Pike. Thank you again for stopping by to listen to me go on some more rants. And I got a little bit inspired today. I wouldn't say inspired. I was just thinking about my past and thinking about how far I've come. And the things that I was thinking about was like, this would be an interesting topic to talk about.
00:00:21
Speaker
And I want to point out to something that I used to say in like my first few episodes is like my mission in this podcast is if I can just help one person become better, then that's, that's a win. That's a fucking win.
00:00:37
Speaker
All I'm trying to do is talk about my own personal experiences, how I've overcome those experiences, how I've got better, and if someone can listen to this and relate to what I'm saying and apply that to their life and become better, then that's the goal. That's the end goal. Anyways, thanks again for stopping by and listening to this. I appreciate all the shares and the follows
00:01:07
Speaker
Yeah, it's great. It's going great.
Upcoming Guest Announcement
00:01:10
Speaker
We're 18 episodes in. I do have a guest coming on Friday. Pretty excited about that. He was supposed to come on last Friday, but things just get like life gets busy and that's okay. So we rescheduled for this Friday. So hopefully all goes well and I can have another guest on
00:01:31
Speaker
on Friday, so I will have that uploaded as soon as the episode is done. So what am I talking about today? Right.
Self-Blame in Relationships
00:01:39
Speaker
I'm going to kind of explain how past Adam used to be. Right. And then I'll kind of jump into what I'm like now. So.
00:01:50
Speaker
Before in past relationships or, you know, things that would happen with friendships or things like that, I would always put the blame, like at the end of the day, I would blame myself. You know, if, for example, if I got, if I split up with the girlfriend that I was with, you know, I'd always be going in my head like, oh, it must have been me. Like, I must have been the problem.
00:02:15
Speaker
like, asked myself like, what's wrong with me like, like, and I always just blame myself, right? Like, Oh, I must be just too fucked up to be in love or, you know, I keep getting this in these relationships and they keep ending the same way. Like, it must be me, it must be me, right? And then I would like that would lead into me trying to change myself, right? Like trying to not be who I actually am, and try to change myself. And
00:02:46
Speaker
you know, maybe the people that I was with was always telling me that I had to change. And then, then there was more in my head. It's like, okay, I gotta be, I gotta act the way they want me to act to make them happy. Right? Then I was constantly trying to just not be who Adam actually is. And let me just say this. If you're with anybody and they don't like how you are, they're constantly,
00:03:13
Speaker
like picking at you and trying to change you. This person does not like you. This person does not want you. Just think about this for a second. If you're just being you, right? If you're just being you and your boyfriend or your girlfriend is trying to change almost every little thing about you, do they even fucking like you?
00:03:41
Speaker
You know what I mean? And I'm not talking about like little shit like, you know, I don't know if you're fucking doing the dishes a certain way or whatever. Like little shit like that. Like I get that. But if someone's saying like, they don't like how you talk or no, they don't like how you act around other people. You got to change this. I don't like that you do this. Like, you know what I mean? Like if I believe if you're going through that, you're not with the right person.
00:04:09
Speaker
The right person should just love you for everything that you are and accept that. They want to be with you. When you're just yourself and you're cool and you're calm and you're chill, that's what they like about you. But if you're constantly trying to change you, they probably don't want to be with you and that's just facts.
00:04:31
Speaker
Um, I used to always try
Authenticity and Self-Realization
00:04:33
Speaker
to change Adam. I used to always try to be this person that I wasn't. And how that played out was I just wasn't really happy. I wasn't doing the things that I loved. I wasn't doing the things that I enjoyed. I was always just always on my mind, just trying to please the person that I was with. And in end result, I wasn't really happy. Like, and there was years where I like never snowboard at once.
00:05:02
Speaker
Like I would just stop doing the things that I love. Like that sounds crazy. That is actually absolutely insane. If you stop doing things that you love because the person that you're with don't enjoy those things and if you go do those things, it's a problem, you need to get the fuck out of that relationship. I'm just like being straight up with you right now.
00:05:23
Speaker
Um, so don't try to change yourself and putting the blame on yourself all the time. It's just, it's not, it's not okay. It's not okay. Um, thinking that you are never good enough, right? Always just.
00:05:38
Speaker
No matter what you do in a friendship or a relationship or like even in your family, if you feel like you're always the one that's giving and giving and giving but you're never ever receiving and you end up telling yourself, oh, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough for this person.
00:05:57
Speaker
No, you are fucking good enough. You are. It's just that other person is just taking you for granted. Right. So like I've been in many situations where I would give, give, give, give, give. I would bend over backwards, give my left arm to somebody, right? Just to try to make them happy. Because if they're happy, I'm happy. Right. And that's how I used to think. And in the end result, I wouldn't get anything in return.
00:06:25
Speaker
I'd maybe get like 20% in return and I was given a hundred, right? So I'd always think that I was just never good enough. And you know, if, if, if her relationship ended or her friendship ended, I would just be in my head and just telling myself like I'm not good enough. And then I'm just back to putting the blame on myself. And then I'm kind of thinking like going all over this cycle again, where I got to change. Okay. I can't be like this again. Cause you know, if I forget another relationship and I'm
00:06:53
Speaker
I'm not going to be good enough for them either, right? So when you're in that mindset, it's not good. It's not good. And they even believe in that you're not deserving of it. So I don't know how many times where you have a breakup and you're just kind of telling yourself, I don't deserve love. I don't deserve this. I've done this as a relationship. I gave everything I possibly could. I gave 110%. And at the end of the day, the same thing happened again.
00:07:23
Speaker
And I just, maybe I just don't deserve this. And then having that victim mentality, like saying, like, why me? You know, why does this happen to me every single time? I don't know how many times I used to say that to myself. How, like, why me, Adam? I'm giving everything that I possibly can to this person. And I'm just not getting anything back. But I was just with the wrong people. And it was in the wrong,
00:07:53
Speaker
time in my life. You know what I mean? Like all those times I was saying, why me? I probably needed to do a lot of work on myself to become better. And you know, I can definitely say 100% that past Adam was not somebody that could ever be in a healthy relationship. So
00:08:18
Speaker
When everything was shit to bed, I'd always say, why me? Put the blame on myself. I've given them my all. I've done everything. I don't know how many conversations I've had with friends, being like, man, why
Personal Growth Through Self-Reflection
00:08:31
Speaker
the fuck does this keep happening to me? I was just playing the victim. You know what I mean? I was just being the victim. Everything I just explained, right? All of that is just all negative shit.
00:08:47
Speaker
It's just facts. All that is negative bullshit. When you are putting the blame on yourself, when you're trying to change who you are for somebody, you're thinking you're not good enough, believing you are not deserving, playing the victim mentality, all this is just negativity. Negative shit that you don't need in your life. But if this is how your brain is working,
00:09:13
Speaker
You don't do anything about it and you go into the next relationship. Like just for example, you're in a relationship, you break up, you're putting all this shit on yourself. Everything that I just listed, right? You take no time.
00:09:25
Speaker
in between relationships, you move into the next relationship with the wrong person again, because you're, you're always following these, these wrong people. You're probably just feeding off of, you know, the arguing and the negativity and the like, this is all exciting, right? Cause it's just up and down, up and down, like a roller coaster, right? Like most people when relationships don't work out, that's the type of relationships and the people that they're going for. So,
00:09:54
Speaker
Like I said, you know, you jump into that and you're still in the same mindset, right? You're still in the same mindset. Maybe you're with another person that was exactly like the last person and things just start happening again, right? You start putting the blame on yourself. You know, you're arguing again and you're just, you're in your head and you're trying to change to like, to make this person happy, but whatever you do, it's just never enough. I promise you,
00:10:22
Speaker
This is never going to work out if you keep going in that cycle because I used to keep going in that cycle. I was always in that fucking cycle. Did not know how to break it. Now fast forward to right now. Okay. You know, I spoke about this before, started microdosing for a full year and I've had a lot of, uh-huh. Wow. I've had a lot of moments like that.
00:10:51
Speaker
where I look back on my past and then I start realizing all these things, right? And I started to piece together how I was as a person. I started realizing my actions and the way that I was was not right. So instead of putting the blame on myself and trying to change who I was and thinking that I was never good enough, not deserving and playing the victim,
00:11:20
Speaker
I was like, you know what? I'm going to take some time for Adam. I'm going to work on me. I'm going to like get to my ultimate best self. I'm going to do a lot of inner work on me to try to figure out what the hell is going on and why can't I
00:11:38
Speaker
have a healthy, happy relationship because this is fucking bullshit and I don't want to keep going in this cycle. I don't want to keep being in relationships where I'm just stressed out all the time. I'm arguing. I'm fighting like that. That's not fun for me. I'm 30 years old now. Actually, I'm 31. I thought it was 30 for a minute. Um, but yeah, I'm 31 years old. I don't want to be dealing with this shit. I want calm, easy going.
00:12:06
Speaker
happy, loving, supporting relationship. That's what I want. That's what everybody
Embracing Self-Love and Independence
00:12:11
Speaker
else should have. So, you know, don't put the blame on yourself for things that you cannot control. That's my mindset now. I'm not putting the blame on myself. If something happens and I, and I've realized that I cannot control this situation, then that is what it is, right? Past Adam,
00:12:34
Speaker
It just, just for example, if my girlfriend at the time was getting angry about something that I didn't understand, but like it was just their thing, then I would let that affect me. Now, if that happens now, right? And I can't control this. Then.
00:12:51
Speaker
It is what it is. I'm not going to let anybody else, you know, affect my happiness and I'm not going to let that situation, you know, put me in the mindset of like blaming myself for something that I can't even control. You know what I mean? Something is not even my fault. I don't know how many times I blame myself for something that was not my fault. So like I never do that anymore, right? You can't control it. Then just let it go. Right. And
00:13:20
Speaker
You know, definitely don't change yourself for anybody. Like I said before, I always used to try to change myself to make people happy, but I realized I am who I am. And, you know, when I was single, I kept telling myself, there's somebody, I'm going to meet somebody who's going to love me and they're going to like everything about me and I'm not going to have to change at all. And it's just going to be easy. Right. And I did find that person.
00:13:49
Speaker
I did find a person with her right now. And I definitely do believe that she definitely accepts me for everything that I am. And trust me, like I'm not perfect. And some of my past shit still comes up like in times.
00:14:02
Speaker
But it's not like it used to be. And I'm way more aware of things now. And if I do get in a little mood or something, I come to terms with it really fast. I realize it really fast. So I'm not that old at them anymore. You know what I mean? So I'm never going to change myself. I like who I am. I really do. I enjoy myself. And I know that, you know,
00:14:31
Speaker
whoever I'm with is gonna enjoy that too. And if they don't like it and they're trying to change me, then, you know, get lost, get out of here. But like, I should be with someone like that too. I shouldn't be trying to change anybody else. So it's, you know, it's partnership, right? You are good enough. You know what I mean? Like, I'm in this mindset now of I am deserving of everything that I want. And if I put in the work and I give the energy back
00:15:00
Speaker
to a person or a friendship relationship or whatever. If I'm being fucking solid, then you are deserving of that too, right? So if you're given 100%, they should be given 100% back. If you're in a one-way relationship with your sister or your mother or your girlfriend, whatever it is, whatever relationship it is, and you're putting all your energy in and you feel like you're getting nothing back,
00:15:29
Speaker
That's probably how it is, but you are deserving of that. So if you're starting to realize this, then just back off. Stop giving your energy to people that don't deserve it. You know what I mean? If you have friends that don't give a fuck that you're going any of your way to try to please them, they're doing nothing back, not saying thank you or anything like that,
00:15:55
Speaker
Just take your energy back. Keep it for yourself. Make yourself happy. Go take yourself for supper or something. Go do something nice for you. Like when you start really working on yourself and making yourself extremely happy and you don't have to depend on anybody else, that's dangerous. That is fucking dangerous.
Navigating New Relationships and Healing
00:16:18
Speaker
Cause I've been there before.
00:16:20
Speaker
And I was just so, I'll say it, I was in love with myself, definitely. I was in a relationship with myself, didn't give a fuck about anybody else. I would go do everything by myself and I was happy as a pig and shit. And when you're at that fucking level of confidence, happiness, it's dangerous.
00:16:40
Speaker
It can get addicting. And when you're at that level of confidence, it's really hard to let somebody in. So, you know, before, like I said, you know, I just jumped from relationship to relationship to relationship because I wasn't at that level of confidence. And it's almost like I needed somebody else to make me happy. I was like, I just need somebody, right? It's like an addiction.
00:17:05
Speaker
But when you switch that around and then you start putting all that energy to yourself and then somebody comes in and just say someone else comes in and they like you and shit and they start showing a lot of red flags, you're just going to be like, fuck that. I'm not fucking dealing with this shit. Get out of here. See you later. Bye. You know what I mean?
00:17:30
Speaker
So I would definitely recommend if you're getting in a relationship to take time to yourself, like a lot of time. And obviously if someone comes along and they're like,
00:17:44
Speaker
They're the best thing and actually I don't even know why I'm saying that because you never know. You really never know with somebody when you're getting a relationship, right? Because, you know, I've definitely met some people before where first few months was wicked and all of a sudden, I'm switched. I don't know. And then everything went to shit, right? So what I mean, if someone comes in and they're treating you nice and everything, like obviously don't push that away, you know, but just be aware of the red flags. Just be aware of things.
00:18:13
Speaker
And don't be blind of the love and the intimacy and stuff at first. You know what I mean? Because love is blind. Love is blind. And when you are really attracted to that person and sex is great, you start to just stop seeing all the red flags. And that's when you get stuck in these shitty relationships. It just goes down.
00:18:41
Speaker
into this deep place and it brings you to a deep place that you don't wanna fucking be. And I gotta say, own your shit. Instead of playing the victim mentality, just own your shit. That's it. Just own your own shit. If something goes wrong, don't say, why me? Learn from that experience, okay? Own it, own up to it and learn from it.
00:19:11
Speaker
Every mistake that you made, it's not like, Oh, why did that happen? No, every mistake that happens, it's a learning experience. Just own that shit, own up to it. Make sure it don't happen again. And that's, it's just that simple. So when you change your mindset about this, about this situation, you know what I mean? Like the first few things that I've listed, if you're stuck in that mindset,
00:19:35
Speaker
It's just going to, it's just going to feed negativity and it's just going to be toxic in your brain. And it's just, you're, you're never going to get into that cycle. So when you change your mindset and you know, you start believing in yourself and you know, you keep telling yourself like I'm, I'm fucking deadly and anybody's going to be happy to have me. You know what I mean?
00:19:57
Speaker
And you start building up confidence towards yourself and like just owning your shit. You start to love yourself. And like, you're just in this really positive mindset that just radiates energy.
Learning from Mistakes and Building Healthy Relationships
00:20:09
Speaker
And then whenever you meet somebody that's, you know, you might like a little bit, they're gonna be like, God damn, this, this, this girl, this girl, this guy is amazing. Like this guy's so happy because you spent the time
00:20:23
Speaker
work on yourself and get yourself to a place mentally strong. And when that happens, that's when you're going to have a healthy relationship. Okay? Because I feel like my relationship now is, is really healthy. I do. There's been like an odd little, little fight here and there was just stupid shit, right? Like there's nothing serious. We've like realized it right away.
00:20:48
Speaker
And then that's it. And that's like, that's fucking normal. Like obviously two people are not going to agree on every single thing, right? But like, if you're in a relationship and you're just fighting more than you're happy, then that's, that's not really normal. So if I had any advice to anybody out here that's going to be listening to this, um, don't jump from relationship to relationship. Take some time, right? Because.
00:21:18
Speaker
If you think you're just breaking up with somebody and all that shit and trauma that you just dealt with in the last relationship and you're just going to jump to somebody else that you think is great and that's going to fix everything, it's not because all that trauma and past bullshit that you dealt with with the last relationship
00:21:37
Speaker
when things start to get serious with the next person and you know, feelings start to become and you guys really start to care about each other. All that shit is just going to start coming up again in different ways. You're going to start getting that old feelings coming back up and it's just, it's just a recipe for disaster. Now that might not happen every single time. That might not happen every single time, but I would say majority of the time that's going to happen. So,
00:22:06
Speaker
Take some time for yourself, do what you gotta do, do some self-healing, just dive deep. It took me to start doing mushrooms, start microdosing, start journaling and meditating, and just really started really working on Adam to get him strong and healthy. I was always strong and healthy, but my mind was not always strong and healthy. So when I started working on my mind,
00:22:36
Speaker
and started getting in control of my mind. That's when everything started to be a lot more lighter, happier. And I don't, honestly, I don't get angry anymore. There's been a couple of times, like a small couple of times where like, no, actually I wouldn't even say a small couple of times. I don't, I've never been like,
00:23:02
Speaker
boiling heart is racing like and I used to be like that a lot and it and I found that I was always like that in relationships like I don't know how many times I Can't even I can't even count can't even count how many times like I was just so frustrated and angry because of the relationship that I was in and I would let their emotions control my emotions and it was it was just a not fun time and
00:23:30
Speaker
It's not a fun time. So, you know, take time to yourself, get your mind right. And when you really, really start to love yourself, a lot of people say, Oh, I do. But like, just really think, really sit down and think about it. Do you really love yourself? Like, do you love everything about you? Would you change anything about yourself?
00:23:55
Speaker
Do you want to be like somebody, you know what I mean? Like I can fully honestly say, you know, I definitely love myself. I do very confident in myself, very confident in my abilities. And, you know, I'm very confident in the relationship that I'm in right now to, to the point where it's, you know, it's going to be healthy and happy for a very long time. You know what I'm saying? So get to that mindset before you, you know, jump into another relationship, but
00:24:23
Speaker
At the end of the day, let's just loop back. Don't blame yourself. Don't put the blame on yourself or anything. Switch that to, I can't control these things. I can't control everything. It's not always my fault. And if it is your fault, own your shit and learn from it. Don't try to change yourself or anybody. Don't try to be somebody that you think that they want you to be. Because if that's the case, you shouldn't be with that person.
00:24:48
Speaker
You need to love yourself enough to like who you are. And if you like who you are and you're with somebody that's trying to change you, just move on. Because there is gonna be someone out there that is gonna love you for who you are. Thinking you're never good enough, don't do that. You deserve the world and you are good enough for love and happiness and everything that this world has to offer. But you have to work too. You can't just sit there
00:25:18
Speaker
and be like, well, I wanna be happy. And that's just it. The world's just not gonna magically make you happy. You gotta work. You gotta work on yourself and work on your relationship and make that happiness become a thing because the world's just not gonna make you happy. The world's a fucking shitty, not a shitty place, but the world can throw a lot of curve balls at you that's gonna make life difficult.
Conclusion: Prioritizing Self-Care
00:25:46
Speaker
So you really have to work
00:25:48
Speaker
on your friendships and your family and your relationships to create that happiness. You know what I mean? And yeah, just believe in yourself, be confident.
00:26:02
Speaker
So I hope you took something from this episode. I hope I just never went on a super long rant that didn't make sense, but I hope I made sense in this. Um, and like I said, just love yourself, take some time, work on yourself, make that your main priority. Stop worrying about it. Like a lot of people's always putting energy to other people and they're never worrying about their self. And then what happens if you're just always pouring out your cup to other people,
00:26:31
Speaker
your cup's gonna be empty and you're just gonna be, you know, maybe sad on the inside. So make you number one. Obviously look out for other people too, but make yourself number one. Get yourself to a strong place mentally and everything's just gonna follow after that. So I hope you enjoyed this episode and if you liked it, share it. Share it on Instagram, tag me. Share it to your mom, send it to a friend. Let me know if you liked it.
00:27:01
Speaker
Anyways, see you in the next one. Talk soon.