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Shame vs. Guilt: Understanding the Core of Emotional Healing with Ken MIller
53 Plays20 days ago
Ken Miller is a speaker, coach, and author whose life story is a powerful testament to the human capacity for betrayal, breakthrough, and becoming. Born into difficult circumstances and raised in a home marked by both love and trauma, Ken's early life was anything but easy. Despite the odds, he excelled academically, becoming a National Merit Scholar and eventually graduating from an Ivy League university—achievements that reflected his immense potential.
But life took a dark turn. Struggles with addiction and a series of poor decisions led Ken into a cycle of homelessness, incarceration, and despair. He went from prestigious classrooms to prison cells, from hopeful beginnings to rock bottom. Through it all, he carried the weight of regret and the fear that his story might end in tragedy. Yet, in the depths of that darkness, Ken made a decision that would change everything: to rebuild his life, one small, intentional choice at a time.
Released from prison with nothing but a box of belongings and $28 to his name, Ken began the long, challenging road of reclaiming his life. That journey, fueled by courage, accountability, and an unrelenting commitment to growth, led him to become the man he is today—a thriving entrepreneur, mentor, and voice of hope for those who feel trapped by their past.
Ken now uses his story to inspire others, proving that where you’ve been doesn’t have to determine where you’re going. He speaks to schools, organizations, and individuals across the country, sharing a message of identity, transformation, and the power of choice. His mission is clear: to show that no matter how far someone has fallen, it is always possible to rise, rebuild, and thrive.
Show Topics:
• The Broken Scholar: How a violent upbringing led an Ivy League student into a 30-year spiral of alcoholism and addiction.
• Shame vs. Guilt: Understanding the difference between being "shame-based" (a state of being) and "guilt-based" (a verb of action), and how this distinction saves lives.
• The Four Pillars of Wellness: How Ken rebuilt his life by focusing on his physical, intellectual, spiritual, and emotional health.
• Taking Power from Secrets: The necessity of "walking through the doors" of past trauma and turning on the light to find forgiveness and healing.
• Redefining Masculinity: The 1998 turning point when Ken heard the phrase "today I am a kind and gentle man" and decided to make that his life’s mission.
• From Survival to Service: Why Ken now focuses on being "good" rather than "great" and how he gives back through mentoring and speaking
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be on the podcast or more information about the services she offers and to sign up for the newsletter. https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
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Transcript
Self-Esteem and Compliments
00:00:00
Speaker
And we do the self-talk all the time in our head. You know, the thing I do when I talk to people, I say, I can tell more about your self-esteem by how you take a compliment than by how you take a criticism.
00:00:15
Speaker
And if you try to deflect or diminish or deprecate the compliment, it shows that there's no congruence between your self-talk and what I'm saying to you or what the external world is saying to you in a positive manner.
00:00:31
Speaker
That's a self-esteem issue. That's an I am issue.
Podcast Introduction: Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray-In-Between
00:00:38
Speaker
Welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray-In-Between Podcast. I'm your host, Kendra Rinaldi. This is a space to explore the full spectrum of grief, from the kind that comes with death to the kind that shows up in life's many transitions.
00:00:55
Speaker
Through stories and conversations, we remind each other that we're not alone. Your journey matters, and here we're figuring it out together. Let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:17
Speaker
Let's start with a quick disclaimer. This podcast includes personal stories and perspectives on topics like grief, health, and mental wellness. The views expressed by guests are their own and may reflect individual experiences that are not meant as medical advice.
00:01:35
Speaker
As the host, I hold space for diverse voices, but that does not mean I endorse every viewpoint shared. Please listen with care and take what resonates with you.
Ken Miller's Transformative Journey
00:01:46
Speaker
Thank you all for joining us today. Today, I am chatting with Ken Miller. He is a speaker and author, and he is a resilience mentor who transformed his own life from addiction and incarceration to inspiring others through truth and choice, and his most recent book, Becoming Ken. In that book, he shares how small conscious decisions can lead from rock bottom to a life of purpose, providing it's always possible to rise, rebuild, and thrive. Thank you for joining us today, Ken. It's my pleasure. I'm looking forward to it.
00:02:29
Speaker
I am excited to get to know you and for the audience to get to know you as well. So I usually like to start off getting to know a little bit about your upbringing. Where were you born and raised? And then we'll kind of navigate the story from there.
Childhood Challenges and Adoption
00:02:47
Speaker
I'm 63 and I was born in 62. My mother was a white teenage runaway.
00:02:53
Speaker
And my dad was a black pimp and drug dealer in New York. I am the union of that relationship, and it was a relationship. And I was put up for adoption at birth. There weren't very many biracial children back in the 60s. It just wasn't very common, and especially for a teenage Irish Catholic girl, good girl out of Queens.
00:03:19
Speaker
So um I was put up and went through foster homes for six years. Then I was adopted at age six, and when I was adopted, I couldn't read, i couldn't write, couldn't tell time.
00:03:30
Speaker
couldn't even tie my shoes. And my mother, ah my adoptive mother, Irene Miller, taught me how to do all those things. And I fell in love with reading, which is important to my story, because by the time I was in second grade, I was reading at the fifth grade level.
00:03:46
Speaker
I was what they call precocious. i I think I have an innate intelligence. And by the time I was 17, I was what they call the National Merit Scholar. I was accepted to Harvard. I went to Dartmouth College, Ivy League, and Unfortunately, as I tell people, I grew up with a father who was a violent alcoholic, and that broke me.
00:04:10
Speaker
So when I went to college, I was pretty broken at age 17. But I grew up in upstate New York, and then at age 12, I moved to Alaska. So that's where my formative years were, was in Alaska, which is a very interesting place to grow up.
00:04:25
Speaker
um as a, you know, black child. Where in Alaska did you? Excuse me? Where did you live in Alaska? which i the city I was in Anchorage, which is the largest city, which is like a quarter of a million at that time. Yeah, been we've been to Alaska a couple times. Yes, yes. i i grew up then with the high school there in junior high and then went off to college and came back for a few years and and worked out of, ah out of Anchorage, Alaska in the corporate sales. So, That was my formative, my first, let's say, 21 years. And there's a lot of things that happened in those times. But, you know, at least it it allowed me, and I understand my formative years so much better now. I understand some of the defense mechanisms that i acquired. I understand a lot of the whys of my behavior and actions that were going to cause me a lot of trouble in my adulthood.
Emotional Impact of Separation
00:05:21
Speaker
Thank you. Thank you for sharing. So from all this upbringing, the changes, you're six, you then finally get to a home because you were moved from foster family to foster family at the beginning. And you finally get a home. You have, you mentioned in one of your talks, you have a you a brother, you have a brother that you, was he your foster brother or birth brother?
00:05:45
Speaker
for Foster. Foster. Your foster brother. And you were both adopted by the same family? No. Or not? No. Wow. Yeah, which is sad because i thought he was my brother.
00:05:57
Speaker
You know when you're three and four years old and we traveled together for about two years that I can consciously remember. Think of it. I loved him. still do.
00:06:08
Speaker
haven't seen him in 60 years, but I still love him. I mean, 58 years. I've looked for him for the last 15 years. His name was Jacob. And I believe the last family that we stayed with adopted him.
00:06:21
Speaker
I believe he was special needs. I didn't know that at the time. if The only thing I knew is, I went from kindergarten to first grade and he like stayed in kindergarten. And I didn't understand. I'm five years old, but he was special needs. I was to find out later.
00:06:38
Speaker
And um I don't know where he is. And it's one of those unfinished businesses we will call. I only have a few of them in my life, um but he's one of them and i miss him.
00:06:48
Speaker
And hopefully our God will put him into my life more again one day. it i I can't even fathom what it would be like to be at that age, being in a home, thinking this is your family at that moment, this is your brother, and then being separated you know every time. And that grief that lingers with you, like you even said, like not knowing where he is, not knowing what he happened, and here you are 50-something years later since you last saw him and still not knowing and how you even adapt to that
00:07:24
Speaker
to that thought of the not knowing where someone is. How do you, how do you encapsulate, like how, how would you say that you're able to go through life with these unanswered questions in your, in your mind?
Longing for Connection Through Adoption
00:07:41
Speaker
Right. And the term which I'd learned and in one, some workshop was called unfinished business.
00:07:48
Speaker
And i only have like two of them. There's a woman that I would like to make amends to. Can't find her. And then there's Jacob, who I'd just like to give a hug and tell you love you.
00:08:01
Speaker
Miss you. You know, it's been 55, 58 years, but I miss you. I didn't really, there wasn't a lot of separation anxiety at age six, because you must understand, and listeners, please understand this.
00:08:18
Speaker
The most important thing for me at age six was to find and have a mother. I just wanted a mom. Not a father, could care less about a father.
00:08:29
Speaker
Really could care less about brothers or siblings. I wanted a mother. That was so important to me. And I, you know, was quote unquote given a mother by the court system who turned out to be one of the finest human beings ever.
00:08:47
Speaker
this world has ever put on this planet in my estimation. So I was so grateful and thankful to have it someone I could call mother or call mom.
00:08:58
Speaker
Cause I knew I didn't have a mom. I knew that. I knew that at age four and to be at that age and know that you're unwanted, undesired, not love, no unconditional love,
00:09:10
Speaker
um that that is That hurts. And I just wanted a mom. Just wanted a mom. So Jacob wasn't, yeah, yeah I missed him, but oh well.
00:09:22
Speaker
i wasn't worried about Jacob at that point. I'm still not worried. I just have that unfinished business that I need. Yeah, and being able to have. Yeah, the priorities shift in those type of situations. it's like you It's like a survival mechanism. You kind of have to figure out, like, right after, if you don't have all these different, ah a bit like, let's say, like you said, like you're separated from Jacob, but yet your priority is that comfort of a mother, and that is the priority. So, yeah, I i see how that would be. Yes. Okay, so...
00:09:59
Speaker
Take us into this journey of going to Ivy League school. And then how did from that, then you hit rock bottom.
Struggles with Alcoholism
00:10:09
Speaker
Tell us. sha story please So I go into Dartmouth broken.
00:10:15
Speaker
When I talk about this, people say, what is broken? And i think many of the listeners will be able to identify. It's just a sense of of uncompleteness as a human and also your ability to deal with the world.
00:10:30
Speaker
And because they why there you have a sense of the world being dangerous. You have a sense of the world, um uncertainty, um competency to life.
00:10:42
Speaker
I talk a lot about that. And I did not have that at 17. hi I was messed up. So what had happened was my father is an alcoholic. My adoptive father, Sam, and he's violent.
00:10:56
Speaker
and He's violent towards me. and so My senior year, we got into a situation where I was violently beat up.
00:11:08
Speaker
Police were called. and My mother and I had to hide out my senior year, which would be like your favorite year in high school. I'm going off to an Ivy League school, dot toda but we're literally hiding out.
00:11:21
Speaker
so My father can't find me. I'm our only child. I'm the only one it was adopted. And so I had all this fear that would run into them. Anchorage is not a big town.
00:11:32
Speaker
And so I'm hiding out. I'm, i barely had dated. i couldn't drive a car. I was sort of like a nerd. And, ah um,
00:11:44
Speaker
I loved heavy metal music. I had a jerry curl, which had like gone out of style. It's a way of doing your hair like two years before on the East Coast. But I didn't know that. So I show up at Dartmouth, a virgin, 17, biracial, heavy metal loving kid from Alaska that wasn't sure of himself or his image.
00:12:10
Speaker
And so when I was exposed to alcohol, because I drank a half a beer in high school, a half a beer, that's it. So I'm exposed to drugs and alcohol. And within two months, I was a full-blown alcoholic, which means I could not control the amount that I drank once I started.
00:12:30
Speaker
I would drink to excess and make a lot of bad decisions. And that was for the next 30 years on and off. um So I always tell people I graduated from Dartmouth with a degree in fraternity with a minor in drinking.
00:12:45
Speaker
That's what I graduated with. And my graduation present from my mother was my first treatment center. My first treatment center. I thought she was going to get me a car.
00:12:56
Speaker
She took me to treatment. And so I went to treatment and I stayed sober for two years. And I clean up well. I clean up well. I'm six foot two.
00:13:08
Speaker
I've modeled multiple times in my life. I've been in a movie. I just, I look good. I talk good. I smell good. I present well when I'm clean and sober.
00:13:20
Speaker
Even when I'm under the influence of drugs, I've learned how to put masks on and play out scripts. So this is how I live my life for the next 30, 40 years, especially after I relapsed.
00:13:36
Speaker
And so I get out in 84. I go into the corporate world. I do very well in the corporate world. And then a couple years later, I think I'm not an alcoholic because I'm doing so well.
00:13:48
Speaker
I can drink and without pain on the back end. I started drinking in 1986.
00:13:56
Speaker
By 88, I'm homeless on the streets, homeless. And I was to remain that way for the next approximately 20 years.
Journey Through Homelessness and Addiction
00:14:06
Speaker
Wow. And this is from those, what well, you were wearing these masks, no so nobody could even like even know you were even needing help at the beginning, you think, because of how well you wore these masks?
00:14:22
Speaker
No, they knew. my mom knew. i mean, it's, yeah yeah. Wow. I go down so fast. My addiction is so profound, and that's the term profound.
00:14:36
Speaker
And it's interesting because people will say, what are the reasons you know you drank like you did? The reason I drank like i did is because I'm an alcoholic. That's physiological.
00:14:48
Speaker
Did I have excuses and rationalizations to imbibe mind-altering chemicals, drugs, and alcohol? Sure. Sure. My dad shot my mom six times in 1985.
00:15:01
Speaker
I saw my mom on the gurney with the blood coming through the sheets, went there. Okay. He came to shoot me, gun jam, couldn't shoot me. He went on, did eight years in the penitentiary, had to deal with that situation.
00:15:15
Speaker
When I was what, 19 years old, I was raped by another man, put myself in a situation. So I know what it's like to feel dirty. I know what it's like to take a two hour shower, three hour shower. I know what it's like to feel shame based.
00:15:30
Speaker
Because I felt like I put myself in that situation where I didn't have control and I was taken advantage of. So I know what that's like. I know what it's like to turn tricks as a male prostitute.
00:15:43
Speaker
Did that for 15 years. I know what that's like. So I'm shame based. I have the rationalizations, the excuses to continue within myself. And, but now i have all these secrets.
00:15:56
Speaker
I have all these secrets because I can't let you know really what I've done. Because if you do, it goes to my core issue and my core issue is abandonment.
00:16:08
Speaker
My core issue is that I will die alone, period, point blank. That's my core issue. So I had the inability to say no to individuals.
00:16:20
Speaker
And that continued really until maybe two years ago. I have a list on my computer that says, no, not go. And it's just a list of every time I say no, I still got to force myself to say no, because I want you to like me.
00:16:37
Speaker
I want you to like me. So if I say, no, you may not like me, you may reject me and may abandon me. But um let me make sure the audience understands. I am well today. I am very well.
00:16:48
Speaker
I do life really, really well. And we can talk a little bit on how I got there, but we have to see what the journey and how low I became that I'm so shame-based that I put on these personas, these masks, and remain in a world of addiction and alcoholism.
00:17:07
Speaker
Can the fact of being so vulnerable and sharing now, being able to really share your story, like what you're saying, and knowing that, like you were mentioning, there is a chance of people not Wanting to be then your friends or near your, you know, your family and that, you know, fear of abandonment still kind of being there, but knowing that being in your truth and living your truth is what's going to break you.
00:17:40
Speaker
free is a huge lesson for all of us because so many of us end up hiding behind minute things sometimes because we all want to belong. That's the reality. We all want to belong. Now in different shapes or forms, we all have different stories. Everybody wants to be loved.
00:18:02
Speaker
And so thank you for sharing all these stories you know, really hard realities that you had because so many people think that there is no way out when you've gone so low, yet you are proof that there is. So take us into that. What are those clear ways in which you can shift your life of saying, being, you know, like, like, yeah, those like, okay, I have to be honest. I have to be truthful. How do I turn my life around?
Overcoming Shame and Pursuing Wellness
00:18:35
Speaker
I think the first question is, are you shame-based or guilt-based? Okay. People who are shame-based kill themselves. I've tried to commit suicide three times.
00:18:48
Speaker
Because when you're shame-based, you're you're stating what you call in French the verb être. means to be. It's a state of being. So I am less than.
00:19:00
Speaker
It's not I did. Guilt me is I did. it's ah It's a verb of action versus a verb of being. And when you start encompassing a being of being less than or not wanted or not competent,
00:19:16
Speaker
You foresee yourself because you know that you have agency in your life, that that is going to be my future also. And it's going to be a future of discomfort and pain because I am this, this, and this. And we do the self-talk all the time in our head. You know, the thing I do when I talk to people, I say, I can tell more about your self-esteem by how you take a compliment than by how you take a criticism.
00:19:45
Speaker
And if you try to deflect or diminish or deprecate the compliment, it shows that there's no congruence between your self-talk and what I'm saying to you or what the external world is saying to you in a positive manner.
00:20:02
Speaker
That's a self-esteem issue. That's an I am issue. OK, so what we what I do and what I did and was so important because I've done this.
00:20:12
Speaker
And so I can speak to this. This is my experience. I'm not saying, you know, I'm a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor. What I'm saying is what worked for me and it worked for me. First of all, I saw I sought outside counsel.
00:20:25
Speaker
OK, but I had a fundamental ah basics of what I need to do to get well. And that's the term I use as wellness. Number one, I had to work in four areas and we're going to go specifically in one area.
00:20:39
Speaker
But I had to work on the physical because when I went to prison, I was 160. 200 pounds. i'm six foot two. OK, so because I had smoked so much crack cocaine and I was damaged inside because I lived off of 40 ounce beers and Doritos. That was my meal. Every once while I get a 99 cent hot dog.
00:20:59
Speaker
But on the streets, I lived on Doritos and beer. So my whole system is messed up. And I'm i'm a very frank person. I had diarrhea for two years, two years when I went to prison cause I went to prison the last I've been to prison three times. I'm a three time convicted felon, spent years behind bars. So I worked on the physical easy, went to the gym, worked out, ate well, not a lot of bad food I could get in the prison. But anyway, so I ate well.
00:21:28
Speaker
Then I had to work on the intellectual. Because my intellect literally had atrophied my brain from not using it. So in 2006, went down to 2004. In 2006, read 160 books. 160. else? I'm doing time.
00:21:40
Speaker
and two thousand six i read a hundred and sixty books hundred and sixty what else i'm doing time And so, and in fact, last year, since 2004, I just read my 1000th book.
00:21:54
Speaker
Okay. Just finished. And I read 95% nonfiction. So I'm working on that because when I went in and i would read a paragraph and I could not tell you what the first sentence said by the time I got to the end of the paragraph, couldn't remember it.
00:22:10
Speaker
because I just wasn't using that. but And my vocabulary had shrunk. I had some words, g can't pronounce them here, but I had some words on the streets and then the penitentiary, but I needed to get my vocabulary back.
00:22:21
Speaker
So we worked on intellectual. Great. Did that. Then I had two other areas, emotional and spiritual. I'll do the spiritual real quick. I just tried all the different religions.
00:22:32
Speaker
I did the Islamic, I did the Muslim, I did the Christian. I just did so you know some spiritual books you know that I found it in the library, in the penitentiary. And I just started to encompass. And I had already had a ah small a spiritual entity. And this what I tell every person I work with. And I work with men. I mentor men all over this country for free.
00:22:54
Speaker
And when I talked to them, I said, I don't care what you call your spiritual entity. That's the term I use. You can call it God, Buddha, Allah. Does it modify your behavior?
00:23:05
Speaker
Does that spiritual entity modify? Mine does. I call him God and it modifies my behavior when I pray and ask for his will and the strength, courage, and power to carry that out. What is the next indicated correct thing for me to do? So that's my spiritual. But again, my main big problem was my emotional.
Healing Through Counseling and Forgiveness
00:23:28
Speaker
And my emotional really had to do with my secrets. And i spend probably a good majority of my time talking about taking away the power of the secret. Because I have these secrets that if you knew about my secrets, you you I would be less than in your estimation or i would you would not associate with me.
00:23:50
Speaker
And I need association. I'm a human. At least I do. Maybe there's individuals who are who who can do that, but I need it. I've needed it since I was three years old And so here I am.
00:24:03
Speaker
i sat down with a counselor, 1,100 men on that prison yard. And I asked her how many people do you work with? It's free. Free counseling from a professional. She said two.
00:24:15
Speaker
Two. Well, I was one of them. And so what I did is I started talking about the secrets. And I started talking about my behavior and actions that in experiences of trauma because the way I dealt with trauma was no emotion.
00:24:31
Speaker
My mom gets shot. I get a call at my job from her secretary. She ran the schools of nursing for the university up in Alaska. She's the dean of nursing.
00:24:44
Speaker
And she said, Kenneth, Kenneth, Sam shot Irene, Sam shot Irene. I said, okay, where is she? She's at Providence. I said, Providence Hospital. I said, okay. hung up the phone, went to my boss, hey, do you mind if I take a a little time off? My mom's been shot.
00:24:59
Speaker
He freaks out because he knows a little bit about my story. I go there, she's lying on a gurney, blood coming out of the sheets. I have no emotion. And I said, what can I do for you, mom?
00:25:09
Speaker
She said, oh, because she thought I was had gotten shot because that's what my dad said. I'm going to kill that SOB Kenneth next as he's shooting her. And so she said, you know, grab my my shoes and my purse because she's going into operation for the five bullets that are in her.
00:25:29
Speaker
I said, okay. I grabbed her purse, grabbed her shoes, and we went back to work like nothing happened. Like nothing happened. That's how I dealt with trauma.
00:25:40
Speaker
OK, that's not the way to deal with trauma. I always tell people what I want and what I needed to learn was to have the appropriate emotional response to a situation because I didn't.
00:25:54
Speaker
Whether it was I've had people point guns at me. I've had people put a knife to my chest. I mean, literally, the point is in my chest, ready to push it in.
00:26:05
Speaker
And I'm talking to you just like I'm talking to you. I did not have the appropriate emotional response. So I had to work on that. And then I had to deal with the secrets of of being a male prostitute, the secrets of the rape, the secrets of pimping 14 year old girls, you know, up and down Seattle, you know, the streets of Seattle. I had to deal with that.
00:26:26
Speaker
my secrets and take away the power because every time I would bring up that secret, I felt less than. And so I began that journey. And I'm not saying it got taken care of in the next six months, you know, of starting to talk. great It took literally probably more like six years, seven years to really go through because this is what I teach and what I've learned.
00:26:51
Speaker
Life is this. Memory is this. Memory is a long hallway in a house. The hallway is so long you can't see the end.
00:27:02
Speaker
But on each side of the hallway are doors. And the doors have a title on them or a plaque. And it says sexual assault, 13 years old, stepfather.
00:27:15
Speaker
And it's a door. And you don't want to go in that door. You don't want to turn the sunlight of the spirit or the light on in that door. And what I had to do is walk into each of those doors, turn the light on with someone one holding my hand, you know, with does the counselor, to the psychiatrist, whoever, and then start talking about what was the set pieces on that stage.
00:27:41
Speaker
And then i had to look at what was my emotion And then you i'm peeling away what was my self-talk at the time.
00:27:53
Speaker
And then had to forgive. And I have forgiven every single person that has harmed me. Every single person. And I've been harmed.
00:28:04
Speaker
I've had my jaw broken twice, my eye orbital broken, my nose broken on the streets. I've been raped. I've had shootings, all that. I have forgiven them and I have forgiven myself because a lot of those doors have me on it as the director and the instigator of that incident and experience.
00:28:26
Speaker
And all those things I did that were negative. Remember I said I couldn't find one? whilst so I'm trying to find that 14-year-old girl that I prostituted on the streets of Seattle for a long time.
00:28:40
Speaker
and to make amends to her. That's what I'm trying. That's one of that's the only other person now. That's the other one. The other unfinished business that you have. And that's from 1991. But the key thing is, I have forgiven myself for the things, but I'm guilty.
00:28:58
Speaker
Remember the difference between guilt and shame, is shame and guilt. m Right. I'm guilty of all of that. I'm guilty of the armed robberies. I'm guilty of the kidnapping. I'm guilty. I'm trying to kill men. I've tried to kill three men in my life.
00:29:13
Speaker
Literally went after them with guns. One, I tried to throw off the third floor of a, of a hotel motel, the fireside in Reno, Nevada, fourth lake. Tried to throw him off. Had him halfway off, too, because he talked to me disrespectfully.
00:29:29
Speaker
That's how broken I was. That's how hurt I was as a human in my addiction, that I'm willing to kill a man because he's, term we use, he's talking out the side of his neck. He's disrespected.
00:29:46
Speaker
That's what kills more people. and I'm writing a book on disrespect and respect because that's people think it's money, drugs, and sex. It isn't. It's disrespect.
00:29:58
Speaker
It's not acknowledging my position or stature within a community. That's what disrespect is
00:30:08
Speaker
Hi, I just wanted to take a quick pause and ask that if this episode is speaking to you, I'd love for you to subscribe to my newsletter. Just go to my web website, Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between, and you will be receiving some of my newsletters I send every probably couple of weeks.
00:30:30
Speaker
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00:30:46
Speaker
Now let's get back to the show.
00:30:59
Speaker
did all those, I took away the power of the secret. I dealt with my past because the key reason we want to deal with our past is because there will be things that will trigger the memory and then it will bring in the feeling. The difficulty that many people have is they come to the door and they don't go in the door because they stop at the emotion.
00:31:24
Speaker
They read the title thing and the emotion is anger. The emotion is fear. And there's good doors. I mean, it can be, but I'm talking about the negative ones.
00:31:35
Speaker
And when emotions are not rational, emotion is an opinion on a past experience or present experience that's filtered by the sum total of your life.
Managing Emotions and Anger
00:31:49
Speaker
That's what an emotion is. And it brings up chemicals, dot, dot, dot, but it's not intellectual. That's why one of the things I teach and I had to learn is the most important thing for men is that we don't get angry because when we get angry, it shuts down The rational part of our brain, it literally shuts it down because you have to think fast. It's a book called Thinking Fast and Slow by Kahneman.
00:32:18
Speaker
But you have to think fast. And it's protective. It's an amdiglia in the base of your brain. And you have to think fast. This is slow because it has to take an information to be able to make a learned decision.
00:32:32
Speaker
Your cerebellum and you know prefrontal cortex and all that good stuff. But the key thing is when you do anger and sex will shut down the thinking part. And I've, you know, worked with a lot of, men I mentor men and sponsor men in the anonymous programs.
00:32:49
Speaker
I've done probably 70 men actively. I'm doing 12 now. And I always talk to them about anger and sex because they will shut down and they will cause discomfort and friction in your life.
00:33:05
Speaker
So how do you create a gap between external stimuli and get away from the reaction to a action?
00:33:19
Speaker
That is such a big key. And I speak on that and talk on that. So I hope that helped. i hope that wasn't too long. Oh my goodness. No, there's so much. I'm like this, I'm like zoned and I'm like zoned in listening to everything that you're saying because there are so many different layers of what you've shared that can apply to so many of us in our lives. That aspect of being able to walk into some of these memories like you had to do of your life and having to either reframe
00:33:54
Speaker
Yes.
00:34:00
Speaker
maybe like you said reacted in the correct emotion quote unquote correct emotional response to certain one of these situations But reframing that and then being able to go to the next door and to go to the next door. And we all have that capacity to be able to do that and reframe the way that each of these memories affect our emotional well-being to by being able to be honest with what they were as well. in in it Yes, would that reframe? Like if we're going through some trauma, I think.
00:34:36
Speaker
re Yeah, I would just reframe the way. In your life of what I'm seeing through these journeys, this part of your identity, because it's like, who who are you after, you know, who is Ken then? It's like, if if part of your life has been wearing these masks, at what point then do you discover
00:35:02
Speaker
who you are when you're not wearing a mask? And how has that, rediscovery of you shifted the way that you move on in life now?
00:35:17
Speaker
So lot of times I talk about scripts because we're actors and especially i was an actor my whole adult life.
00:35:33
Speaker
Because I'm intelligent, i probably i had a I was good at acting. Because I could observe the environment and say, okay, this is how a thug acts.
00:35:46
Speaker
This is how someone in the penitentiary acts to be safe. time This is how we act in the Ivy League prep world. This is how we act in the corporate boardroom. Okay, great.
00:36:00
Speaker
I can emulate. I'm a good actor. But who am I? Who am I?
00:36:09
Speaker
1998, I was at the Reno Triangle Club, AA, in a meeting in my addiction. And it was a nooner. And a gentleman up front was speaking. And he said, today I am a kind and gentle man.
00:36:24
Speaker
And almost fell out of my chair. Literally, almost physically fell out of my chair. Because I had never heard a man say that. Whether my father, whether her' in college, whether in my fraternity, whether...
00:36:39
Speaker
Anywhere.
00:36:42
Speaker
And that stuck with me. And I said, that's what I want to be. I want to be a kind and gentle man. Because I was not. You've heard about it. put people in the hospital.
00:36:55
Speaker
I've had three women try to commit suicide because of me. Because of me. Because of the things I did. And I'm talking i didn't do anything physically or sexually. It's because I manipulated them emotionally.
00:37:12
Speaker
And because I'm good at that. Okay. I'm bad at that.
00:37:18
Speaker
And I had to carry that. And so when the time came where this is the goal, now that's 1998. I couldn't even begin that journey till about 2010, 2011.
00:37:33
Speaker
And I had an incident happen and i had to really dig deep inside me to become that person. Who am I? And so what it takes time. So fundamentally, fundamentally, the bottom word is or the most important, most profound word is truth.
00:37:55
Speaker
What is truth? That's what you're going in that room to see what is true. So when I'm working with guys, i don't want to get too much back on this, but when I'm going in there and I always say to them, start off with the set pieces.
00:38:09
Speaker
Who, what, when, why, what were they wearing? What was it? what What did the room look like? Let's just talk about the truth as you remember it before we go into interpretations, evaluations of the experience.
00:38:26
Speaker
Okay. Because there's two different truths. There's God's truth and there's human truth. One's with a capital T, one's with a small t. I have a truth, I'm on the 19th floor and I turn to the people behind me and say, hey, check this out, I can fly.
00:38:44
Speaker
I just did six hits acid and I can fly. That's not a truth. It's my truth, but it's not a truth. And we go through just gradations of our truth in opposition to God's truth.
00:38:58
Speaker
But ah we have to identify toward the best of our ability what was the truth, what were the facts of the situation. So I began doing that.
00:39:09
Speaker
in you know, trying to come up to what what is my fundamental? And my fundamental is when I was a child, I was a nice kid.
00:39:21
Speaker
I was a kind, gentle kid. and was. My mom loved me. That's one of the reasons why she loved me, probably. I mean, she loved me because she wanted to love ah child. She wanted give all of her unconditional love to a child.
00:39:34
Speaker
Let me tell you the story of of how I got adopted. Irene and Sam Miller went to the Wyndham Agency, which is the oldest adoption agency in the United States. Founded in eighteen hundreds New York City. $1,600 in 1968, which is a lot of money. Okay.
00:39:55
Speaker
It's sad that it would cost that. There are thousands of black foster children. They wanted a boy. They had picked out a boy.
00:40:06
Speaker
Picked him out. And my mom, they're doing the paperwork to adopt another child. And they literally have a mug book with just pictures of children.
00:40:19
Speaker
And my mom said she was just leafing through. Sam, dad was doing the paperwork. And she saw my picture. And she said, stop the press. I want this one.
00:40:29
Speaker
I want this one. She chose me. They were adopting another child. And it completely changed my life. Every, not every, 99% of the good qualities I have in me are from my mother, period.
00:40:45
Speaker
Period. That's my decision. my That's my truth. Okay? So I wanted to go back to that innocent, beautiful child and be a kind and gentle person.
00:40:59
Speaker
And so I had to go in there, deal with a lot of like I said, a lot of the things that were making it difficult for me to be that person. There's one thing to say it, and then there's another to do it.
00:41:13
Speaker
And i had to do actions that represented gentleness and kindness. And so i be i I haven't hit anybody in 21 years. I haven't threatened anybody in 15, 16. That's a growth for me.
00:41:35
Speaker
But I just treat people with respect. and love, and gentleness, and kindness in my speech, in my behavior, in my actions.
00:41:49
Speaker
I have, and I've chosen this because this is who I wanted to be. I wanted grace. And a lot of people, i don't think they know it really what grace means, but I'm just giving you my definition.
00:42:03
Speaker
Grace is tolerance. It's tolerance.
00:42:08
Speaker
And that's what it is for me. i will i have tolerance because you're human and you make mistakes. You say things, you do things to me that could cause me and may cause me some slight discomfort, but it's not that big. And I know it's not you, it's an action you did that I absorbed as discomfort, but I have tolerance, I have grace, I have forgiveness.
00:42:37
Speaker
I didn't have to do it for myself. oh Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Having grace with ourself is probably one of the hardest things. Sometimes it's easier to have grace sometimes for others than to have grace for ourselves and tolerance, like you said, for ourselves and for our, yeah, and forgiveness for
Overcoming Self-Punishment and Embracing Wellness
00:42:58
Speaker
ourselves. So that is huge. We feel guilty sometimes if we forgive ourselves because what we've done is so bad.
00:43:07
Speaker
You know, the worst sin, what's the worst sin, Kendra?
00:43:17
Speaker
Seven deadly sins. sin? My own sin? No, no. Remember, there's the seven deadly sins. no what is my own sin no no they remember there's the seven deadly sins And there is a paramount sin. Don't covet the... to cover it i like i don' I'm like, I don't even know them all. I'm like, don' don't... Yeah, so don't covet somebody's... Yeah. yeah those like Those are small. Those are all manifestations of the greatest sin.
00:43:46
Speaker
The greatest sin is the sin of pride. Because the sin of pride says that I am a God unto thyself. hu Read paradise lost.
00:43:59
Speaker
Satan is cast out of heaven because he's an archangel. Satan's archangel. He's cast out of heaven because he wanted to be equal to God. God's like, no, it doesn't work like that.
00:44:12
Speaker
I cast thee. He goes into Hades. Satan does. But it's that's the thing. When we start playing God, see, the difficulty sometimes is that we play judge, jury, and executioner to ourselves, to our own faith. Mm-hmm.
00:44:29
Speaker
And because I'm God, I can punish myself by feeling guilty or being shame-based or punishing myself for my past sins.
00:44:44
Speaker
And I did that.
00:44:47
Speaker
Oh, wrong arm. That's six. Six cigarettes I burned myself with. Oh, I can't. Oh, I can't. Oh, okay. It's because it's a little, okay. Yeah. that's Oh, wow. Okay. will burn I literally took six cigarettes.
00:45:00
Speaker
and burn myself. I've cut myself, ice picks into the hands, punched out windows because I got to punish me. Sometimes i you my addiction, I would revel in my addiction because this is what I deserve.
00:45:17
Speaker
Because I am the judge. I am the jury. And I have sentenced me to my execution of a thousand cuts. That was an old Chinese Capital punishment.
00:45:31
Speaker
They would tie you down take a sliver of bamboo and cut you thousands of times. And each of them hurt. It's called the death of a thousand cuts. Heard that in meeting also.
00:45:43
Speaker
And that's what addiction is like. But you don't even have to be an addict to do that. You know, there are people may be listening that, you know, you put yourselves into situations where you do things that you know are inimical, that are not good for your long-term well-being.
00:45:59
Speaker
But do you like, hey, that's what I deserve? I don't deserve better. I don't deserve a better relationship. I don't deserve a better job. I don't deserve a better relationship with my family or my siblings or my mom or my dad because that's my lot in life.
00:46:15
Speaker
No, it isn't. It's your choice and decision, but it's not your lot. That's not your fate. You can change. If I can go from where I have gone, and I sort of don't like that saying, if I have done it, you can do it.
00:46:28
Speaker
No, you can just do it because you are a child of God and you have that innate ability and capacity to get well. And let me just talk about that real well, just a minute.
00:46:42
Speaker
I am well. I am well today. Kendra, I am well. And what does that mean? That means that I can deal with the vicissitudes of life.
00:46:54
Speaker
I am competent to life. When a situation or a problem comes up, I deal with it. I don't roll over. If I have to have an emotion, I cry.
00:47:05
Speaker
bro ah Put Braveheart on or put Gladiator when he's walking through the fields thinking about his wife. yeah I'm balling. Saving Private Ryan when he's dying at the end. Tom Hanks, I am bawling.
00:47:19
Speaker
English patient, I am bawling. Okay. I love love. And I love, anyway, there's certain things that just bring tears to my eyes. But I have appropriate emotional responses.
00:47:32
Speaker
There's times I may get angry, but that's rare. If you attempt to harm my family or threaten my family, I will be angry. And you will know it
00:47:45
Speaker
But I'm more going to the joy. i still And I have appropriate emotions for joy also. But I'm well. and But this is the key thing and I've been talking about lately is I don't do a lot of self-help I don't do a lot of listening to podcasts for self-help. I don't read any books on self-help because I am well. And the reason I do that is because I want to take that capacity of time and resources and give it out.
00:48:14
Speaker
That's why I'm on this podcast. I'm not selling anything. I go on here to hopefully give people a sense that maybe I can get better.
00:48:25
Speaker
And this is another thing. I don't care to be great. We had a whole series of good to great books by Collins. And at the time, I loved them. I don't want to be great anymore. I just want to be good.
00:48:37
Speaker
I'm good with good. going write a book called Good with Good. Because like that spend so much time trying to be great. Why don't you do something for someone else? why don't you do something more for the family? why don't you do something more for your younger siblings? why don't you do something more for the community as opposed to spending all your time trying to be great?
00:48:59
Speaker
Just be good. Be good. Be kind. Be gentle. Be loving. Be forgiving. And ah believe me I sleep really, really well at night. I do. I do. yeah Oh, love because there's that element. There's like an in-between. There's that part of the pride can come from the self-deprecation of ourselves and the not thinking that we are good enough.
00:49:24
Speaker
There's pride even in that. And then there's pride sometimes, and right? There's pride in that because it's like the moment that we don't think that we are these lovable beings that were created with nobility and we think that we are again, not deserving of there is there's that an element of pride.
00:49:49
Speaker
It's not just about the thinking that you are great. that is No, that's not even, there's even, it there's it's there's pride in the deprecation of ourselves.
00:50:00
Speaker
there's this There's so much, so that the terms we use are pride, ego, and hubris. And they all mean a little different, but they all have the same. It's playing God. All of it has to do with God.
00:50:12
Speaker
Remember, it's like God unto thyself. and what happens is, is many times people are, I was so bad. Therefore, for the rest of my life, I got to work on me because I was so bad.
00:50:29
Speaker
I was so, you know, you were just on on a scale. You were just as bad as you were, but you weren't so bad. I've been locked up with people you hope never get out.
00:50:43
Speaker
Never get out. They're so broken. They're so mentally ill that they will always be a dangerous society. And most of them have life without or death penalty. I was in a room with a guy who was on death row.
00:51:00
Speaker
Okay. And he got let off of that and got life without. Then he got life with. Okay. But he had already been down 25 years when he was my bunkie. To this day, I don't know what he did. Don't want to know what he did because it has to be a murder with an aggravating circumstance. I don't need to know that.
00:51:18
Speaker
It's not important. It's not germane to my well-being. But I respected him. He respected me. And we we we did our time together. But going back to individuals that are listening, get well.
00:51:32
Speaker
And then give out. And you can give out on the on the journey. You may not be able to give out to the level I give out or to level others give out more than me. I'm just who I
Ken's Present Identity and Success
00:51:44
Speaker
am. I'm just Ken Miller. Remember, I became Ken. I'm just a kind and gentle 63-year-old biracial man, grandfather, father, husband,
00:51:55
Speaker
Good friend. We talked about friendship last night. I have a black man's book study that I started for free. And we get together and we have a discourse and we do nonfiction books. And we talked about being there.
00:52:10
Speaker
I had a friend who had ah a concern or a difficulty. I said, I'm on the next plane. I'm on the next plane, bro. I will be there. And I physically flew to New York.
00:52:23
Speaker
Of course, on my dial, they care less about the money. But I made the capacity, changed some things in my schedule, and I was there. That's the ability. Remember, I can talk this all day.
00:52:36
Speaker
But I did that. That's a fact. That's a truth. And he'll tell you it's the truth. Okay? So we talked about that. Who would get on a plane for you today if you called them up?
00:52:47
Speaker
Who would give you $5,000, no questions asked? If you give me back when you can, bro. Okay. those are Those are the facts. And what i wanted to represent is I wanted integrity for what I said and what I did.
00:53:02
Speaker
And I have that. I have the term is congruence. And I have that today. And it just sounds like I'm patting myself. I'm not. I'm just saying this is my truth today. And I hope that people can hear this. And the other thing is, and I'll just say this, Kendra, anybody want to get a hold of me?
00:53:20
Speaker
I'm KenMiller84 on LinkedIn. My phone number is 907-250-8488. I pick up my calls. I'm not afraid of any human being. Not afraid of any human being.
00:53:34
Speaker
Well, maybe my wife sometimes, but that's a whole other story. I have a great respect. yeah And I don't want to use the word fear, but um you know i anyway, I'll leave that way. I better change that. She may listen to this one. But anyway, you can contact me there.
00:53:57
Speaker
any time think Ken, it's it's just so refreshing to hear someone also be able to embody and own their journey, including these parts of the who you are now and being well and being someone that is kind and gentle and is willing to take a flight.
00:54:23
Speaker
over to see a friend, you know, that is in need. In need. Because need. Yeah. Because lot of times I, and you said this earlier on and it, and something that I've been working on that you can say more, tell more about a person of how they take compliments than when they take, you know, things. And that is something that even in my life, like I've had to learn something to take, you know, a compliment because I'm like, and I have to like bite my tongue to say, oh, this old thing, I got it at this. Oh my hair, when they see your hair, looks so good. Oh really? haven't gone to the desert. Like, and then always adding an excuse. And a friend one time is like, Kendra, just say thank you.
00:55:08
Speaker
That's it. Like, and I literally have to like, Bite my tongue to just say thank you to a compliment, you know? what So it is when we are able to to own also not just our faults and our the things that we're still working on, but also own all our attributes and gifts and talents.
00:55:33
Speaker
It is just... It is just a way of really being able to be thankful and grateful for the gifts we were given and the gifts we've honed by the ability of our creator too, that has given us that. So when it is not selfish to own the talents and, and, and acknowledge that we have these gifts.
00:55:59
Speaker
It's not selfish. It's not prideful to say that. That Marianne Williamson has that beautiful. Yes. Oh, I love it. to be great yeah I know too. I put it on some of my talks.
00:56:11
Speaker
It's like the last slide and I just read it. Um, you literally word for word, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You know, if you have a spiritual entity in your life, you know, again, that modifies your behavior and you believe that you're just a small microcosm of this world.
00:56:31
Speaker
Again, that humbles you. I'm one of 8 billion. But who are you not to be great? Because again, it comes down to truth. It comes down to truth. Kendra, I have a gift.
00:56:43
Speaker
I speak from the stage. It's a gift. I come on podcasts and i am honest. 99% of the people are not as honest as I've i've listened to a lot of podcasts. And I'm not saying I'm better than.
00:56:56
Speaker
People speak to what they're comfortable to. I'm cool with that. I just think there needs to be someone who can go out there and talk about some of the things that we've talked about and take away. Man, if he can I've gone on stage. I've come off stage. Women have come up to me. Can I talk to you afterwards?
00:57:14
Speaker
And they've told me their stories of feeling dirty. I know what it's like. I've talked to people. Hundreds of prostitutes. I was in that world for years, 15 years.
00:57:27
Speaker
And I would sit down. And the saddest thing about them is 70% of them, 80% them have kids, number one. And 100% of the prostitutes that I have met that are female have been raped. 100%. Because I talk about it with them.
00:57:46
Speaker
What's your experience? Because they know, they they liked me because I didn't stress them for certain things. Okay? We just sat there and drank smoked crack. You know, as street people, street workers.
00:57:58
Speaker
So I just, you know, just that ability to allow someone to sit down after a talk and and be able to let, haven't told anybody this, but they'll never see me again.
00:58:11
Speaker
And I'm not saying names. I don't even know their names. I remember the experience of sitting out in the hall, you know, one-on-one with this woman or there's been multiple.
00:58:22
Speaker
I've had people cry when I speak. Because they went somewhere. They went back into that room. And I also literally had to work on that. I don't want to get people to have to go in. I don't want them crying in my presentation. If they have to go there, that's on them.
00:58:39
Speaker
Or they choose to go there, I'm comfortable with that. But I've also learned things over time to be a better speaker and maybe not bring people to that level in the speech you know or in the talk.
00:58:50
Speaker
But that's that's a whole other thing. and Speaking one-on-one. I'm blessed. I'm blessed. I'll leave with this. I have to get going here in a minute. Yes, yes, i yes. No, please. I was just going to, because we want to make sure to, we want to make sure to people, yeah, we could keep on talking, yeah but we want to make sure to also people know how to get ahold of you. Well, we we already know your phone number, but I'll also share the, in the show notes.
00:59:14
Speaker
Yeah. But you know, the other thing is, first of all, i want people understand I'm very successful. I'm a millionaire. millionaire. ah We just bought a house last week, $1.1 million, beautiful on five acres. I have a six-bedroom home in Ecuador, also on the beach. I mean, I'm blessed.
00:59:31
Speaker
I own five businesses. I have employees. I mentor black men all over the country. been doing that for 15 years. I have a black men's bookstake. And the reason I'm saying this, I want to so explain how well my life is and what I do to give out.
00:59:47
Speaker
I speak for free all over the country. I write books. I have a beautiful life. But I just want to give people this picture. There's many times I'll get into my bed.
01:00:00
Speaker
It's a Tempur-Pedic, Serta, Ergo, and i will just flop my feet, kick my feet, because I'm so happy as a 63-year-old biracial man.
01:00:13
Speaker
Like a child, I will just kick my feet in joy and gratitude of who I am and the life I have and the beautiful wife and the grandchildren that I play with.
01:00:26
Speaker
That's who I am today. That's what I bring to you. I want you to understand who I am today. I'm just a blessed, blessed man. they think that Thank you, Ken. Thank you, Ken. Again, this was Ken Miller. And Ken, we are just, I say we because I know that the listeners are just so grateful to have had you on the podcast. And again, if you want to check out more about Ken and his book, Becoming Ken, Check out the show notes. All the links will be there, including how to get a hold of you through email as well. So thank you again, Ken. We are blessed to have you on this podcast and blessed to have you alive here to share your story. Thank you. Thank you.
01:01:17
Speaker
thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief.
01:01:30
Speaker
If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
01:01:46
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me.
01:01:58
Speaker
And thanks once again for tuning in to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray In Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.