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Processing Grief Through Storytelling with Tim Cummings
77 Plays17 days ago
Tim's debut novel, Alice the Cat (Fitzroy Books) was chosen as an American Book Awards 'Best Book' Finalist for 2023, received a Bronze Medal in the 2024 Feathered Quill Book Awards, and is a Finalist in both the 2024 National Indies Excellence Awards for Teen Fiction and the Independent Author Network's Book of the Year Awards. His second novel, The Lightning People Play (Black Rose Writing) in the summer of 2025. He holds an MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University Los Angeles and a BFA from NYU/Tisch School of the Arts. He has appeared in 200+ projects across theatre, film, television, voice-over, and new media. Recent publications include F(r)iction, Scare Street, Lunch Ticket, MeowMeow PowPow, From Whispers to Roars, Drunk Monkeys, Hare's Paw, Lit Angels, The Wax Paper, Excerpt, and Critical Read/RAFT, for which he won the ‘Origins’ contest for his essay, "You Have Changed Me Forever." Tim is an octopus and spider enthusiast. He goes wild for anything with eight legs. He recently discovered he is a masterful hula hooper and can whirl nonstop for eons. He possesses enviable collections of stickers, labradorite, night-sky projector lights, vintage vinyl, and rare first-edition hardcover copies of some of his favorite novels. No one has ever made a better vat of chili, and his lasagna is infallible. He teaches writing for UCLA Extension Writers' Program, The Townies Inc. in Ojai, runs private workshops, and coaches authors.
https://www.timcummings.ink/ https://www.instagram.com/octospark/
Show Highlights / Themes
Storytelling as Service
- Tim Cummings, UCLA instructor and author of Alice the Cat and The Lightning People Play.
- Writing as a “time machine” to reconnect with younger selves.
- Transforms trauma into light, using storytelling as service.
Art as Lifeline & Found Family
- Acting became a lifeline after losing his mother at 16.
- Theater community offered belonging after bullying.
- His work champions marginalized voices and underdogs.
Navigating Grief
- Tim has endured profound family loss.
- Writing and movement (like dance aerobics) became healing practices.
- His advice: feel your feelings — they are the way through.
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest on the show or to inquire about grief coaching sessions
https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
Email : griefgratitudepocast@gmail.com
Follow on Instagram
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Overview
00:00:00
Speaker
this miraculous thing happens where you all of a sudden are like, oh my God, I'm somehow dealing with this. Because as you know, because I know you've experienced a lot of loss, life does not slow down.
00:00:17
Speaker
it it barrels forward and you can't stay in that station. The train's going to keep going and you have to get on the train, bruised and broken and hurt and crying and feeling alienated from everybody else, you still got to sit there in that chair on that train going to the next station, right?
Disclaimer and Guest Introduction
00:00:37
Speaker
Welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. I'm your host, Kendra Rinaldi. This is a space to explore the full spectrum of grief, from the kind that comes with death to the kind that shows up in life's many transitions.
00:00:54
Speaker
Through stories and conversations, we remind each other that we're not alone. Your journey matters, and here we're figuring it out together. Let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:19
Speaker
Let's start with a quick disclaimer. This podcast includes personal stories and perspectives on topics like grief, health, and mental wellness. The views expressed by guests are their own and may reflect individual experiences that are not meant as medical advice.
00:01:37
Speaker
As the host, I hold space for diverse voices, but that does not mean I endorse every viewpoint shared. Please listen with care and take what resonates with you.
00:01:49
Speaker
Hello. Today, I have Tim Cummings on the podcast. He is an author. His first novel, Alice the Cat, was a finalist for the American Book Awards and won several other awards. And now his new novel is like The Lightning People Play, and it came out just this last summer, 2025. will be talking really about his life, what are the themes of the reason that he writes, and ah we'll go from there. So welcome, Tim. Hi. Thank you so much.
00:02:29
Speaker
Thank you for being here.
Cultural Heritage and Personal Background
00:02:31
Speaker
And there's, it' as the audience will see, like if they check out on Instagram is where I post sometimes these little video clips of my guests, other than them listening, they'll get to see your really cool office. I'll describe it to y'all. If you haven't, it's like there's the, it's right now, it's morning for him right now in California. You are in California, isn and right? Because you do teach at UCLA. So i' I'm not ah just making up.
00:02:58
Speaker
ah Making it up. And there are the, it's like purple and all these like, light the what are those called? The night lights that? Projector night lights. night Projector lights. Yeah. my My daughter has that same one in hers and she changes the the colors and she likes to go to sleep with that on. And I'm like, right, isn't it distracting? It's light. She's like, no, it's not. I'm like, okay. Yeah.
00:03:22
Speaker
So it's really cool. And you have a lot of different hobbies. I have what I saw in your resume. You like to cook that you make the best chili.
00:03:33
Speaker
i make an infallible chili. I make an incredible lasagna. I make ah a really incredible chicken parmesan. Oh, okay. Well, now I want to hear about how food then is such a big part then of your life. And are any of these are any of these like comfort foods for you and are any of them passed down from your family?
00:04:00
Speaker
My mother was Italian. My mother was Southern Italian. She was from Bodhi. So there was a lot of Italian food when I was growing up. And my dad was Irish. So the Irish-Italian mixture is is a lot of ah passion would be a nice way to put it.
00:04:19
Speaker
ah Yeah, lot of ah big family, lot of dinners, lot of cooking. So yeah, I think i think my penchant to make really amazing Italian food is passed down in the bloodline.
Settling in California and Finding Comfort
00:04:32
Speaker
Although i didn't know that I could do it for a long time because i mean, my years as a college student and then gallivanting around New York city as an artist, it wasn't until, you know, settling down somewhat um that, and, and getting my first home, this is our second home,
00:04:52
Speaker
that you know you start to nest and things like that become a part of your life, cooking food and ah doing Thanksgiving at home and finding ways to um make your home cozy through your in design and your style. And you know it's like, I don't want to go out and drink. I want to go to Home Depot. I need plants.
00:05:16
Speaker
I love it. it ah It's like, wait, I'm buying plants now. I guess I am a homeowner. You're like, i I've matured. I'm an adult. I buy plants now. I'm having jobs now. Yeah, I have a mortgage. I love it. Okay. So tell us about your upbringing. So you just mentioned New York. So tell us where you were born, where did you grow up and your family dynamic? Because that will like you, you, you have both of your siblings, two of your siblings have passed, both your parents have passed. So I want to kind of yeah get to know Tim.
00:05:50
Speaker
So my family originally hails from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, the Irish Italian of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. I don't know if you've ever seen the movie or read the book, Brooklyn, the movie stars the amazing Saoirse Ronan.
00:06:03
Speaker
um And it's basically the story of a young Irish woman who crosses over the ocean and lands in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn and has to make a new life there. And she meets a young Italian boy,
00:06:15
Speaker
um That's my parents, except reversed. But when I saw that movie, I was seeing my beginnings. I was seeing my young parents in the late 50s in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, coming together, the fashion, the the the life in New York City then, all of it. It was it was very haunting and beautiful. So, yeah, um that's where my family hails from. When I was born, the family got a house out in Port Jefferson, which is out on the eastern end of Long Island because I was the sixth kid. so Oh, that is a big family. Yeah.
00:06:53
Speaker
There was no room anymore in the city. And I grew up out there. And um yeah, my dad was a New York City fire man. He was a lieutenant.
Early Love for Storytelling and Theater
00:07:02
Speaker
And um he did that. He worked in the South Bronx for over 30 years.
00:07:07
Speaker
um And I grew up with a severely epileptic brother. around whom the book is... Oh, this book is... Okay, so Baxter... Bax is that character. Okay, of your brother. He's literally based on my experience growing up with an epileptic brother. So...
00:07:28
Speaker
um So life was life in in New York. And um I think the most seminal things that took place in my life were, first of all, a deep love of reading and books, which I locked onto at a pretty early age. And I have very vivid memories of going to the public library and taking out as many books as you could possibly take out and reading them voraciously. And then...
00:07:59
Speaker
i I had this thing where I would write fake book reports. I didn't need to do that. I didn't need to do it. I just, I think in my young mind, I was trying to find a way to remember what I was reading or process it in my own way. like I'm laughing because do you know how many people would dread and actually did not, like like I know my daughter, she used to love reading. And the moment it became homework, She like it like because it was like she's in, I don't know, second grade or something. And it would be like, OK, write the characters. What's the problem? And she was already reading chapter books. So the problem, the characters were the same one. And every week she had to do this. And she's like, it's the same answer in this because it was just a different, you know, like it was they were thinking it was just like one. And she's like, I don't. And it would became so frustrating that she really started to dislike. So for you to be saying that you love writing book reports, that fake reports.
00:09:02
Speaker
Yeah, fake book reports. You are definitely in the right field with your, right with you're definitely in the right field for sure. You're following your passion. Oh, yeah. And then when I was 11 years old, I was asked by um a teacher at school to audition for the school play. And I didn't even know what that was.
00:09:21
Speaker
I was like, what? Yeah. So that that that should clue you in as to the lack of culture around which I grew up. grew up But... um And did you audition? Well, I know you're now in, yeah, you've done a lot of plays and acting. so this So the fact that somebody brought that up to you, I love i love that because it was not that instinctively you would like knew what play, were but somebody saw that you had the talents of possibilities of being an actor and then you... Yeah, brought everybody for it, I guess. and And so I went in there. it was ah It was a musical for kids about the life of Ben Franklin, with whom I share a birthday, weirdly enough.
00:10:05
Speaker
And I booked the lead role. I didn't know before that, that I could sing, that I could act, that I could dance. And that set me off on a journey that has lasted four decades already. so But I remember in my mind, the way that I always felt about acting or about performing or about inhabiting a character was that it was some kind of logical extension of the people that I was meeting in these books.
00:10:31
Speaker
And i my mind said, oh, they're just like the characters in the Beverly Cleary books or the Choose Your Own Adventure books or the Wrinkle in Time books, except they're not on the page.
00:10:43
Speaker
They're up there on the stage. And so I always managed to inhabit characters in a way that felt less performy and more...
00:10:55
Speaker
initiated, i guess, it's just always felt very deep
Coping with Grief Through Theater
00:10:59
Speaker
to me. And as I kept going with that, because I did a lot of theater in school and and in community theaters around where I grew up for for teenagers, um I found that I was often asked to take on probably the more difficult or challenging roles.
00:11:20
Speaker
Maybe because I just had an innate understanding that went beyond, i don't know, maybe the the the surface level reasons that other kids were in theater.
00:11:31
Speaker
You had a depth within you, but a maturity within you. And then at 16, unfortunately, I lost my mom to cancer. And then theater theater.
00:11:43
Speaker
or my penchant for stepping into other worlds became a lifeline. um And so by the time I got to New York university to study it,
00:11:57
Speaker
And I could really look at it like an archaeologist, like an historian, like a scientist. What is this thing?
00:12:08
Speaker
What is storytelling? What is performing? What are these plays? I think a lot of the profundity with which I attacked the work came from trying to deal with this monumental loss that at that age was...
00:12:29
Speaker
unfathomable I mean, i i i have I have these sort of vivid memories of feeling like, ah, how am I going to, like I can't, it it felt in a weird way like life stopped, that I couldn't see a bridge across to the next landmass of life because I didn't know how to live without a mom.
Theater as Activism and Writing for Youth
00:12:55
Speaker
It felt to me like, I mean, a mother is the greatest aspect of love and support that the universe gives all of us. There's nothing better.
00:13:07
Speaker
And when it gets ripped out of your life, especially as a kid, then feeling that I had of, I don't know, am I supposed to go through the next...
00:13:19
Speaker
10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 years of my life. And the, um so yeah, so I would have these like panic attacks. I would have these like like ah a mental labyrinth I was trying to make my way through. i was the only one of my peers who was dealing with this.
00:13:38
Speaker
And all this is to say that you know I was looking for places where I could put this grief. and it And I always found the healing in storytelling, whether that was reading books.
00:13:51
Speaker
I was writing, of course. I was writing essays. I was writing poetry. i was writing short stories. I didn't focus on it and start publishing as an author until later. I so i went back to grad school in my early 40s to get my master's. But up until that time...
00:14:05
Speaker
I found comfort and I found family and I found meaning in doing plays. And um every so often, something would come along that would show me that I could be of service as an actor.
00:14:22
Speaker
Like when plays came along that were talking about social justice issues or historical things, right? I remember in college having to do a show called Bent by Martin Sherman, which was about homosexuals in the Holocaust.
00:14:36
Speaker
And I thought, oh my God, I can't inhabit these men. I understand the level of emotion that needs to be brought to this. And so whenever a play came along that felt like a service job, when I did The Normal Heart by Larry Kramer, when I did The Guys by Ann Nelson, which was a play about September 11th, then I felt I could really step into my power, especially as somebody who had dealt with the grief of losing my mom and then losing my brother, the one who had epilepsy.
00:15:11
Speaker
Glenn. So as you're saying, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I actually made, my i have a bachelor's in theater arts, so I can relate to.
00:15:22
Speaker
I did apply to UCLA. I did not get into the theater department. So I'm a CSUN i'm a csun graduate. Yes, I went to SMC and then to CSUN. So when you're when you're sharing this part about embodying these and really relating to these characters and bringing them to life on stage. It makes me think of even just like when I wrote my essay for for my application, one of the things that I wrote that for me was so meaningful with theater was the emotions that it could have evoke in an audience and how people could relate or see themselves on a stage because it had happened to me as a kid seeing my dad, my dad was also an actor, on stage doing Man of La Mancha during rehearsal and being like,
00:16:08
Speaker
pushed he was like pushed, you know, and rolled. And I'm six years old and my sister was four and we're like sitting there crying, daddy. And like feeling like something was actually happening to our dad and feeling like this was alive. Like I, this was happening. And that emotion stayed with me.
00:16:26
Speaker
of knowing what what a you know what a performance can create in someone else watching. So for you to embody these characters and translate into life and bring those emotions and connection, and that's the thing, it's connecting with the audience and somebody seeing themselves, which is why I have this podcast, is people connecting to someone's story yeah and and not feeling so alone. So it's just beautiful that you're able to do that.
00:16:56
Speaker
I'm thinking with your writing, you mean your two books are mainly young adult for Alice the Cat and The Lightning People.
Personal Struggles and Empathy in Writing
00:17:06
Speaker
Do you feel that you, because you experienced this grief as a 16 year old of your mom's passing, did you, do you, um, let me just say that, do you write for your 16 year old self and some of these things? Is that the reason you choose to write for the young adult audience?
00:17:28
Speaker
I would say that um with Alice the Cat, which is my debut novel, a middle grade novel, because the protagonist in that one is about to be 13, that I wrote from a 13-year-old self. And in the Lightning People play, Kirby is 14, about to be 15.
00:17:50
Speaker
I wrote from 14 or 15-year-old place. but i think that these books middle grade and young adult books are so widely read by their intended age group and adults. Because for adults, I think these books create a time machine for you to go back and have a conversation with your younger self.
00:18:09
Speaker
And I think that that's really powerful. And I think it's really the only genre that is read widely by different age groups because of that reason. There's a kind of spiritual alchemy that takes place. And I'm really good at that.
00:18:22
Speaker
Yes, there's a lot of arrested development inside of me. At at the age of 12 and 13, was just really badly bullied, really badly bullied for being you know gay. I mean, I didn't know at the time that that's what it was, but I grew up around a lot of testosterone a lot of firemen and cops, sons, and you know they would just beat you down if you were different. And I was different. I was expressive.
00:18:49
Speaker
I was creative. I liked nature. um i liked music. I i just wasn't i didn't fit into this idea of you know boxed in masculinity that they wanted me to fit in. And I was also a free thinker.
00:19:04
Speaker
I was constantly questioning everything. grew up Catholic. And I was like, none of this makes any sense. Help. So, you know, um I write from that age. And then, of course, losing losing my mom and and also a lot of the trauma of growing up with my brother's seizures, which were very violent and very chaotic for the family.
00:19:27
Speaker
And very a lot of things happened that I think went into my subconscious. Same thing with with losing my mom. And those things were unearthed when I started writing these books.
00:19:39
Speaker
um And it was just like a flood. of memories and emotion and psychology and wanting to tell my story and wanting to connect to others who could relate to it, help young people who might be going through it, you know, teach the world, create community, all all those kinds of things that I think are the natural result of going through a grieving process.
00:20:04
Speaker
and being able to utilize story as a unifying thing, if that makes sense. Absolutely, it does. And i'm I'm picturing this young teenage Tim and going through all these changes, being one of six. First, I was thinking you're one of six. Which order are you? By the way, which one are you? Where are you?
00:20:25
Speaker
The baby. In that order. You're the baby. So your brother Glenn was, well a cup was he just right after you? Where was he in the birth order? My brother Matthew was the one who was epileptic. Oh, it's your brother Matthew. Why why is there a Glenn in the... Glenn one my older brothers who passed away in 20. He had a heart attack. Okay, so that's another brother. Okay, so it's your brother Matt that had epilepsy. Okay, so tell me the birth order there. He was how old? but older my children than Older than me.
00:20:53
Speaker
Okay, so that was really close. So you're living with that uncertainty. You're one of six. I was, as you're saying, because storytelling, even when you're sharing, like I create images in my head, as you're like saying, I'm picturing books becoming like this refuge almost of like the reading of like, this is the quiet time I'm reading. It's a way of zoning out sometimes what's around in the world. Right. Right.
00:21:18
Speaker
Yes, my mind was creating pictures. My mind was very visual, very photographic memory.
00:21:28
Speaker
I mean, keep in mind, as as Gen Xers, we didn't have internet. We had TV. But TV was even limited back then. And so we were able to utilize our minds in a different way than younger generations in terms of um being able to project those things out onto fields in front of us, which later got replaced with screens, right?
00:21:55
Speaker
So I think younger generations have a different way to utilize their imagination than than we did. And yes, these books helped me to see the world like um like a protector.
00:22:08
Speaker
And um I always remember, and I think this is probably from, you know, the the chaos of my family.
00:22:18
Speaker
My dad, my dad being a fireman, he was ah he was a big intimidating Irish man, you know, fireman. He wasn't around a lot.
00:22:29
Speaker
He was a reticent guy. My mother was just a lot of love, but a lot of chaos. my brother's epilepsy, you know, um there was a lot of need for me to um escape into these stories or um find a way to relate to other um like people on the fringes,
Community and Artistic Expression
00:22:55
Speaker
right? Because my brother's epilepsy was kind of this weird thing and it wasn't talked about much and it was kind of creepy.
00:23:02
Speaker
so i felt on the outside And then, of course, being bullied for being different, I felt on the outside. So I was always able to relate to, you know, what would be called marginalized people in these books. And I always found myself rooting to this day for the underdog.
00:23:20
Speaker
for the underdogs of society and those who get um pushed aside for things over which they have no control. And we know we're dealing with this in a really intense way right now in our country, right? It's like people are just being ostracized and, you know, thrown to the wolves for their skin color or their religious belief or their sexual identity or, you know, gender identity, right? Things around which um people should not be ostracizing you.
00:23:47
Speaker
But, you know, At an early age, I found myself um willing and able to relate to that. And that is a very important part of an engine of conflict in a lot of stories.
00:24:00
Speaker
Right? So um I think that's what helped me basically from a young age. I was an empath. Yes.
00:24:11
Speaker
and And a lot of storytellers are. And I think that, you know, along what's amazing about being an empath is as you go through life, you naturally find the others who are like that.
00:24:27
Speaker
And how was it then for you in that journey? So here you are in your teens. This is what you were going through. Then you go to college. Like at what point, like, in oh i mean, youre in in high school, where you started doing some plays.
00:24:39
Speaker
When did you start feeling like, wait a minute, here I was being bullied in my early teens. Now I have community. Well, hello, bullet it buddy. I have That's Gertie. She wanted to say hello. What is what is her name?
00:24:53
Speaker
Gertie. Gertie. Hi, Gertie. I have two myself. they're both They're both at my feet right now. I'm like, that was her his his dog saying hi. um So with ah with you then going to...
00:25:10
Speaker
NYU, like how, ah when was it that you realized, wait, I am not, I am not alone. There are others like me and feeling that sense of community and of acceptance. Cause there's a lot of grief. That's the thing we're talking about. We were talking about grief in terms of death as well that you went through, but there's so much grief in, in our lives as well. When we don't feel like we quote unquote belong or the society is not you know accepting of who we are. So when you found your community, tell us about that, p please.
00:25:45
Speaker
So I feel like when I found theater, I really started to find my community. i remember at that time, there was a sense of empowerment because um all of the people that bullied me or made me feel like a third class citizen were very, very, very, very very angry.
00:26:04
Speaker
about the fact that I was up there on stage playing the lead role in these plays. And it it to me, it it was almost um a rebellious thing.
00:26:16
Speaker
This was around the time that i started to come into myself as somebody who was um in, hold on one second, she scratched. come on there you go she's here we go she'll do that about five more times. um This was around the time that I started to ah turn my sight toward like um punk rock music and post-punk and gothic and new wave and industrial and ah you know um the stranger idols of that world like Robert Smith of The Cure and Suzy Sue of Suzy and the Banshees and
00:26:53
Speaker
you know, um people who existed in the world on their own terms and did what they wanted and didn't care what others were doing. This is in tandem with me being up on stage and saying, aha, I'm going to do this thing. And so I remember it made people angry and that was, that was fuel.
00:27:13
Speaker
When I got to these other theater companies, was when I started to meet people from all over Long Island, different school districts, et cetera. That was where I met my two lifelong best friends with whom I'm still i'm still best friends and um met the most interesting people of my life through doing theater. And I think, as you know, any person who is a thespian will tell you that it's found family.
00:27:42
Speaker
And those are bonds that you never lose. I mean, doing a play together with somebody bonds you um for life. And that theme is very redolent in the Lightning People play. I mean, Kirby and his friends are found each other through doing theater and work together beautifully to do something really good for somebody in need.
00:28:06
Speaker
And that is definitely um an analogy for my life as a theater artist. So I would have to say, i mean, I owe such a debt of gratitude to that teacher who somehow saw this thing in me and then put me on this journey.
00:28:24
Speaker
That was where I met my very, very best friends and worlds just kept opening. You know, worlds kept opening to me more and more and more as I went through the process of, um,
00:28:40
Speaker
learning more about theater, doing more shows, booking work, right? o Like when you keep getting cast, that's a message. Validation. Yeah, a validation. that That you're doing something right. And that was very satisfying. So,
00:28:57
Speaker
um you know, to be honest, I, As a teenager, I wasn't sure that it was something that I wanted to do with my life. i i'm I'm a Capricorn and I'm really into like science and I love the ocean and I love outer space. And I really thought I was going to go study marine biology because I'm i'm ah um' a cephalophile.
00:29:20
Speaker
freak out over octopuses and nautiluses. Eight-legged creatures, as it said in your bio. and I'm crazy about sea creatures. And so I really wanted to study marine biology and I wanted to study astronomy. But after my mom died, I was afraid that if I didn't find some way to live in imagined realities and expressive situations that that i would lose that i would lose my mind. I was afraid that if I went and studied science, that it would be too clinical and wouldn't allow me the outlet that at that time of my life I really needed.
00:30:05
Speaker
So I kind of pivoted and decided that I wanted to try and you know pursue it. Even though at that time of my life, I wasn't sure what that meant. I just know that I mean, you know, it was pretty serious as you as you might know, like auditioning for schools and getting in and just like, man, it is hardcore.
00:30:27
Speaker
So that I think that's what prompted my decision to say, I'm gonna go to New York City. I'm gonna move into the city and and see see what it's like for me to be an artist or study being an artist.
00:30:42
Speaker
In this world. Yeah, in this ah theater world.
00:30:48
Speaker
Hi, I just wanted to take a quick pause and ask that if this episode is speaking to you, I'd love for you to subscribe to my newsletter. Just go to my web website, grief, gratitude and the gray in between. And you will be receiving some of my newsletters I send every probably a couple of weeks.
00:31:11
Speaker
Also, if someone has popped into your mind and you feel that this is something that would resonate with, please send them this episode right now because it may just be what they needed to hear.
Spirituality and Mystical Experiences
00:31:26
Speaker
Now let's get back to the show.
00:31:36
Speaker
I want to ask you, cause so reading and writing were and, and acting were your outlets when you were younger. Yeah. How did it shift? And you have had two siblings pass and then your father as well. yeah What other ways have you felt are ways in which you can express your grief and what are your beliefs about what happens after you die And do those tie into your relationship with death and and your grief? it's ah It's a broad question there, but I want i want you to kind of take us on on that. I want to get to know that part of you.
00:32:23
Speaker
um Growing up Catholic was really difficult for me primarily because I felt a little robbed from of what may have been a more pure experience of faith.
00:32:35
Speaker
Because when we would go to religion classes after school, which we had to do in order to make, get our communion, do our confirmation, I was pretty badly bullied, I remember. um And, you know, we'd be waiting outside to go into the church for these lessons and and and and the boys would be messing with me in really aggressive ways. And I would see the priests and the nuns see this and nobody did anything about it. And I think a lot of that was because in the Catholic religion, they don't want you to be gay, right? All of that. And so I just felt like people turned away from it and didn't defend me. And and all this is to say, it's why I turned away from Catholicism.
00:33:15
Speaker
and went on a search for my own sense of spirituality, which by the way is the main theme in Alice the Cat. um Tess is not brought up with any religion. And so when her mom dies, she has to figure it out for herself. And that's why there's a ghost in that book, because the relationship that she has with the ghost teaches her something about the afterlife that she needs to know.
00:33:39
Speaker
So it's written almost like
00:33:43
Speaker
It's written in a way that maybe it's not really happening and it's just her mind steering it. It's ambiguous, which I think it should be. But that, I think being steered away from Catholicism because I was witnessing the hypocrisy firsthand made me look at what else was out there.
00:34:07
Speaker
Now, concurrent to this is the fact that I've always been kind of clairvoyant and kind of very open to all of that stuff. And a lot of weird stuff happened to me when I was a kid that growing up in a Catholic family was not talked about.
00:34:25
Speaker
But I also think there was a lot of, I will say, mysterious energy around my brother's epilepsy. When he would have seizures in the middle of the night, we shared a room together and
00:34:40
Speaker
I always felt like there was something in the room when he would have a presence, a doorway to another world.
00:34:51
Speaker
um something very mysterious. I don't know if it was a protective energy or a malevolent one, but I know that that went deep into my subconscious. And that's what came out when I was writing the lightning people play that lightning people are and the symbols that they show Baxter, which is what they build the play around.
00:35:08
Speaker
Right. That was all because of stuff that happened to me when I was a child um dealing with these strange, mysterious things.
00:35:18
Speaker
scientific, spiritual, medical anomalies that to this day, people don't really know a lot about. i mean, epilepsy is still a very mysterious um neurological affliction.
00:35:29
Speaker
So when my mom died,
00:35:37
Speaker
i felt like I was talking to God a lot, but I was really mad ah God. And I think that my relationship to God for a while was, what the hell?
00:35:53
Speaker
Like, for real? And then when my brother died, it was right around the time that I started to repair my relationship with God.
00:36:06
Speaker
And i don't mean- how old How old were you when your brother died? 24. Okay. okay so i just I don't mean God like in any way that God is often depicted in our um human reality. I was trying to figure out something else. It was more of a... Energy, love. Yep.
00:36:26
Speaker
Yep. Yep. Something that you could see and feel um and not and not um framed by the um you know, narratives of the Bible and other holy books around the world.
00:36:45
Speaker
I started to repair that relationship and then my brother died.
00:36:51
Speaker
And i had to pivot again. um And then I lost my father. And and didn't have a good relationship with my dad.
00:37:05
Speaker
We came out like this.
00:37:09
Speaker
which used to bother me, but I have to say, um all the problems I had with my dad ended up being a gift for me in terms of how I confront the world and how i stand up for myself and how I stand up for art and artists and et cetera, you know?
00:37:30
Speaker
Um, but losing my dad, I remember thinking, I remember having conversations with God and saying, um,
00:37:40
Speaker
questioning the nature of our relationship and how I felt like my dad never loved me. Right. And then when I lost my brother, when I lost Glenn, who dropped dead of a heart attack, I was actually in a play at the time where I was playing a character who had lost his wife and was a character whose, whose narrative arc was grief.
00:38:03
Speaker
And I thought, this is really interesting. Um, this is, this is life and art jumping tracks. And that was one of the first times in my life where I, where the paths got crossed.
00:38:19
Speaker
And, um, I had to process it in a, in a different way than I had processed the other deaths in my life. But I remember around that time that I felt Like I started to have a relationship with the Grim Reaper.
00:38:45
Speaker
Okay. I remember when my brother died, i was like, yeah, over my shoulder a lot. And i was like, okay. Because if you've seen death that often, you're like, okay, maybe he's just behind me now. I swear to God, I felt like Harry Potter.
00:39:01
Speaker
Oh my goodness. You know how Harry Potter could see the things that nobody else could see because he had experienced death. Right. um And I wrote this essay about it. I wrote an essay that was published and it was, and it was basically about my relationship with the grim reaper in the weeks after my brother died and how I, that was the only way that I could process his death.
00:39:23
Speaker
um And, you know,
00:39:31
Speaker
this really not uncommon thing that happens to people who experience a lot of death, which is, you know, memento mori, you're going to die too. And really, really helped me to, I mean, i think all the death in my life has helped me to, to, to look at it almost like a Buddhist.
Storytelling as Service and Personal Reflection
00:39:53
Speaker
um And what I mean is this whole notion of, When you're amongst the things that you love in life and the people that you love and you know who love you,
00:40:05
Speaker
um that's a really good place for you to stop and take pause and really understand what presence is and that you should be able to see that everything in your life that you love is going to die.
00:40:22
Speaker
Everything, all the inanimate objects that you love and the material aspects of life are going to go away. And all of the people in your life, all of them. And I think because I've experienced death and grief so many times, this realization does not freak me out.
00:40:42
Speaker
Whereas I know a lot of people, a lot of my friends who haven't had any significant losses are absolutely petrified about it. They have panic attacks about it. And I feel like that's where I can come in and say, hey, listen, it's going to be okay.
00:40:57
Speaker
This miraculous thing happens. where you all of a sudden are like, oh my God, I'm somehow dealing with this. Because as you know, because I know you've experienced a lot of loss, life does not slow down.
00:41:15
Speaker
it it barrels forward and you can't stay in that station. The train's going to keep going and you have to get on the train. bruised and broken and hurt and crying and feeling alienated from everybody else, you still gotta sit there in that chair on that train going to the next station, right?
00:41:34
Speaker
So, you know, I try to make my experience with death and my relationship, my my strange relationship with God and my weird friendship with the grim reaper i try to make these things um i try to invite them in and say how can i be useful um to the world as a storyteller whether i'm inhabiting a role in a play or a movie or or as an author you know being a storyteller this is my gift to the world this is how i am of service to the world
00:42:07
Speaker
And um I think that's been my way of turning all of the the darkness and sadness of death into something full of light and happiness.
00:42:19
Speaker
You know, when I wrote the Lightning People play, this could have been a really tragic book. My brother's ending was chaotic and tragic and hurtful and sad and annoying and wrong.
00:42:33
Speaker
He should not have died from his epilepsy. But in this book, it's one of the most hopeful things I could ever imagine as a result of what what we went through, losing him.
00:42:46
Speaker
You know, these these are absolutely incredible kids, so deeply brilliant, and they all use their love of theater to help somebody in need. And because of that, magic from other dimensions comes through and aids them in their quest.
00:43:01
Speaker
That's basically the story. that And, you know, and there's in that story too, there's so, ah there's other layers too of grief because one of their dads leaves them too, right? Like, so there's this aspect too. So this is, this is a book that can connect with children as they're reading. One, they can feel seen in somebody else or even just as adults, but also the grief that can be experienced of someone in your life.
00:43:32
Speaker
leaving. Right. So there's different layers of that and there's that you're right in that community and that support. So there's a lot of, uh, yeah, there's a lot of depth in this book.
00:43:42
Speaker
Alice, I have not read the lightning people. I read parts of it so I can speak on that. And that is your most recent one. And then the essay that you wrote that you referred to, is that the one that is, uh, you have changed me forever. Is that that essay?
00:43:57
Speaker
No, you have changed me forever is me writing about my experience doing um The Normal Heart, playing Ned Weeks on The Normal Heart. Ned Weeks was the surrogate for the activist Larry Kramer. That's... that's a play about aids that was the first adjet prop play about AIDS. And that was, you know, but the cast members around the five year anniversary of that play. One of the, one of the cast members said to me, you know, you should write about your experience of playing this role. So that, that, that's what,
00:44:28
Speaker
That's what that one's. And that won a big award. and Yeah. And that that was a really cool um reflection on sometimes what it's like to being artists and take on a role.
00:44:42
Speaker
the The whole premise of that was Larry Kramer was um a very brash Cassandra of a guy who screamed and yelled and bullied his way through the administration who wouldn't listen to him fighting for his friends when nobody cared and nobody understood what AIDS was, right? He he was one of the founders of GMHC and later ACT UP and these organizations who fought to get some um awareness and later medication that would stop HIV from turning into AIDS.
00:45:17
Speaker
But I remember he took so much heat for being who he was. And when I played that role, i took a lot of heat critically And I was so confused and upset. And I thought, oh, well, actually, you know, when the fog of all of that disappointment and sadness cleared, I thought, oh, actually, this is a good thing.
00:45:37
Speaker
Because if I hadn't done my job well, then they um wouldn't be criticizing me. Basically saying like, you know, um that I actually did right by Larry Kramer by doing it in such a way that people got really annoyed.
00:45:52
Speaker
by what i was doing No, the essay about Glenn is called Walking Glenn Away. And the premise of that is around the time that he died, I read something that said walking is the best thing for grief.
00:46:06
Speaker
And so I spent a lot of time walking to and from work. but my job is about three miles from my house and, and I would walk and, and it's basically a kind of a meditation on what was going on with me and, and the grim reaper um and me processing his death and kind of what was happening in a physiognomy, physiognomy sense, you know, in the brain and in the heart and in and in your vital organs the way that grief really does move through your body.
Healing and Emotional Processing
00:46:42
Speaker
So that's that's sort of an exploration of that. interesting Okay, thank you for sharing that. Yeah, the walking was definitely one for me too. that When my mom died, that became that's when I got my dog like two months later. And so it walking became my my therapy as well in the walking my dogs. the yeah it it Yeah, it is because you are moving you have you do have to move. It happens in your body. It's not just something that happens in your head.
00:47:11
Speaker
It's like it's in you. So you have to move through it it, move it through you. in some shape or form. So yeah, dancing, with whatever whatever movement expression anybody that can have, it helps so much.
00:47:27
Speaker
Yeah. And in the past couple of years, I discovered a ah dance aerobics community here in Los Angeles. It's called Pony Sweat. I actually have one of their stickers right here. Look at that.
00:47:38
Speaker
Pony sweat. Yeah, it's a dance aerobics community here in LA, but it's all these really amazing people. it's like It's like punk rock lesbians and trans people and artists and filmmakers and actors and gay men and punk rock, gothic people. And the playlist is all my favorite music on the planet. And i go three or four times a week.
00:48:02
Speaker
Oh, that's fabulous. I dance my ass off and I love this community so much. And over the past year and a half, I've seen my mental health improve. I've lost 50 pounds.
00:48:14
Speaker
What? I've lost 50 pounds. um And the commitment that I made to, you know, Because it just became very clear to me, this is what I want to do to deal with the stress and strain and grief of my life.
00:48:31
Speaker
Right? I'm at this point in my life where both of my parents are dead, two of my immediate siblings, and my half-sibling, Kelly. It's like 90% of my family is wiped out.
00:48:44
Speaker
the only The only ones who remain are my eldest brother and sister who live down in Florida.
00:48:51
Speaker
and sometimes I fall into pits of existential despair. Like what, like what, like where, where's my family?
00:49:07
Speaker
It's infuriating. And i
00:49:13
Speaker
have big questions, big, important questions that I can't find answers to unless I search big, important things, right? So something like dancing to music that I love around a bunch of Fellow Freaks makes me extremely happy and helps me in what I was talking about earlier, my quest to be of service as a storyteller and and help people who are also dealing with this kind of stuff. So it is your responsibility to do the things um that will make you feel good and strong. And this is this is just one of those things. And for for others, it's other things. My husband is an amazing tennis player. He plays tennis several times a week.
00:49:58
Speaker
Um, people find different ways to deal with it, whether that's painting, um, playing a sport, you know, being a therapist, um, being a teacher because teaching really helps me as well.
00:50:13
Speaker
So I do think it's about, you know, what are you doing to make sure that you're taking care of yourself so you can be in a more communal space. Um, but I do, you know, i do have these big existential questions about life because of all the grief.
00:50:33
Speaker
Absolutely. and it would be odd if you didn't, right? And it is something, yeah, it would be odd. And we are, we are inquisitive beings, right? We are meant to be questioning and asking. That's who we are as human beings. And to have, it's okay to have questions and to try to find answers. And when you go through things that are hard in life, it, it, it maybe rocks it a little bit more. And, and then you, you but you also, like you said, even to your friends that are going through things that are hard, it is survivable to go through these. You've served, you know, we, it is survivable. We can go through really hard things and still
00:51:14
Speaker
like you said, hop back on that train of life and and and and continue on and have it be something that is not just survivable, but that's also meaningful and thriving and creating an impact and service in and other people's lives like you've been doing with your writing with your teaching, with just being who you are, right? And, and your acting. So, so thank you so much, Tim. Tim, I always like to ask this as I'm closing out, is there something I have not asked you that you want to make sure that you, we share with the audience before we tell them, and then we'll wrap up afterwards to see how they, how they can get the books and, and get in touch with you, but anything else regarding the topic of grief or gratitude that you want to add to the audience?
00:52:05
Speaker
people ask me a lot, you know, what is it that helps you get through, um a lot of the grief that you've been through in your life. And, and I, and I think when they ask that, they're not talking about the, the, the practicalities of like, you know, um, being a storyteller and just, you know, the, the things that we do as human beings living on planet earth.
00:52:30
Speaker
Um, And I think about this a lot because when people when people ask me about that or talk to me about that or I have an opportunity to talk about that, I always want to make sure that I'm saying what it is that i want to say or want to convey. And it would just be that um you should feel your feelings.
00:52:54
Speaker
They're really powerful and they don't lie. And I'm somebody who has an enormous amount of feelings in life. I always have since I was a little kid. I remember being shamed for it.
00:53:07
Speaker
I remember always being yelled at either by my parents or by teachers, you know, because I had a lot of feelings. It took me a really long time to figure out what to do with them. And maybe the fates aligned at a certain point where this surplus of feelings and and outlets with which I could turn them into something useful, meaning being a storyteller, met.
00:53:27
Speaker
and And they've been happily ever after ever since. So I'm going to say to you that if you are somebody who is afraid of or anxious about your feelings, go deeper.
00:53:41
Speaker
lot of people have intimacy issues and a lot of people are afraid of intimacy. And I think it's all to be found in how you process feelings and that, you know,
00:53:57
Speaker
A lot of people do it in the dark, watching a movie, you know all those all those great ways for us to process our feelings, but it's still not you getting in touch with yourself. You've got to find those ways to really inhabit your own feelings and listen to them and really feel them.
00:54:16
Speaker
I'm telling you, it's the only way through. Every time that I've tried to duck out from under a feeling or circumvent it, it compounds the issue and it gets worse.
00:54:32
Speaker
So I would say,
00:54:35
Speaker
face your feelings and then find ways for you to communicate with them and be assertive about you know what what you want um out of life and for yourself.
00:54:49
Speaker
oh I just feel like you know in in the era that we're living in with with the the the internet and and social media and now this this this looming dark storm of ai We just keep going further and further and further away from our human feelings.
00:55:08
Speaker
And that scares me a little bit. So my message is basically find whatever way you need to have a really positive relationship with your own feelings.
00:55:23
Speaker
They're not going to hurt you. They're going to help you. Yeah. It's like the story, the children's story, the going on a bear hunt. to Going on a bear hunt, you guy can't go around it. You can't go, you got to go through it, right? We got to go through it. Every single of those emotions, you got to go through them. it it It is the only way. It's going through them, through these emotions. They're there' they really they're they're teachers.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:55:48
Speaker
that Each emotion is a teacher. It's going to inform us something about ourselves. And as you said, get to know ourselves better and and also get to connect with others so much better when we're able to really,
00:56:01
Speaker
feel our feelings, like you said. So thank you, Tim. They just don't fail you. They don't. You're right. They're there for us. Tim, as we're wrapping up, I want to just thank you so much again. And again, to find you, you the two books, ah The Lightning People and Alice the Cat.
00:56:21
Speaker
And Alice the Cat. Yay. And Alice the Cat. Best way, going to your website. Yeah, my website, timcummings.ink. Like an octopus. Okay. Like the ink. Okay. And I'll make sure to put that in. yeah but there's There's pages on my website that um provide many, many, many, many links to all the different ways that you can purchase the book. And also, yeah through my Instagram.
00:56:47
Speaker
That's fabulous. Thank you again. um say And if we want to read the the um the essay that you did about when when about ah your brother like and you're really in with your conversation with the Grim Reaper, how you is it is it on your website too by chance? I'm almost positive it is, but I need to double check because I think there was a copyright issue with the publisher. So I need to double check if that was resolved, but I could also send it to you.
00:57:15
Speaker
Okay. That's great. and Thank you again, Tim. Thanks for being on the podcast. Thanks for sharing your, your life and, and again, your books to bringing those to life as well. So thank you.
00:57:26
Speaker
Pleasure to meet you. Thanks. Same.
00:57:33
Speaker
thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief.
00:57:46
Speaker
If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:58:02
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me.
00:58:15
Speaker
And thanks once again for tuning in to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray In Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.