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Senior Living Made Simple: How to Have "The Talk" and Let Go of Guilt with Shari Ross
43 Plays14 days ago
Shari Ross is the author of Senior Living Made S.I.M.P.L.E.™ and creator of the companion workbook and toolkit designed to help families take clear, practical steps through the senior living journey with a clear path forward. She is also the founder of the Senior Living Made S.I.M.P.L.E.™ brand, where she has built a reputation for simplifying complex decisions and leading families toward the right solutions with compassion and expertise.
An award-winning senior living sales specialist, Shari spent over a decade guiding hundreds of families through the challenges of assisted living, memory care, and long- term planning. Her expertise has made her a frequent guest on national podcasts and a featured speaker for organizations and events dedicated to aging, caregiving, and family transitions.
A graduate of NYU and long-time Southern California resident with East Coast roots, Shari combines her professional expertise with her personal journey. She continues to guide her own aging parents through their next steps while raising two young adult children, giving her an authentic, empathetic perspective that resonates deeply with the families she serves.
Her mission is to transform aging from overwhelming to empowering. Through her signature S.I.M.P.L.E.™ Method, she equips families with a framework to make informed senior living decisions, helping them move forward with a clear path forward, dignity, and peace of mind.
https://www.seniorlivingmadesimple.com/ Amaon Book Amazon Workbook
IG @seniorlivingwithshari
Connect with Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest on the podcast or to joing the newsletter
Show Highlights:
• The S.I.M.P.L.E. Framework: Shari breaks down her acronym designed to guide families through the maze of senior living: Support, Information, Matching, Preparation, Letting Go, and Engagement.
• Redefining Identity: We discuss the profound shift that occurs when you allow professionals to take over the caregiving duties, enabling you to step back into your original role as a son, daughter, or spouse.
• Navigating Guilt and "Stuff": Shari explains the two layers of "Letting Go": releasing the physical accumulation of a lifetime and releasing the emotional weight of guilt that suggests you aren't doing enough.
• Language Matters: Why words like "facility" or "institution" create fear, and how shifting our vocabulary to "community" or "apartment" can change the tone of the conversation.
• The Grief of Relocation: We acknowledge that moving brings legitimate grief over the loss of a home and independence, even when it leads to a gain in community, safety, and purpose.
• Proactive vs. Reactive: The importance of having these difficult conversations early—before a fall or medical emergen
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. I'm your host, Kendra Rinaldi. This is a space to explore the full spectrum of grief, from the kind that comes with death to the kind that shows up in life's many transitions.
00:00:22
Speaker
Through stories and conversations, we remind each other that we're not alone. Your journey matters, and here we're figuring it out together. Let's dive right in to today's episode.
Guest Introduction: Sherry Ross
00:00:47
Speaker
Let's start with a quick disclaimer. This podcast includes personal stories and perspectives on topics like grief, health, and mental wellness. The views expressed by guests are their own and may reflect individual experiences that are not meant as medical advice.
00:01:05
Speaker
As the host, I hold space for diverse voices, but that does not mean I endorse every viewpoint shared. Please listen with care and take what resonates with you.
Sherry's Journey to Senior Living
00:01:17
Speaker
Today I am chatting with Sherry Ross. She is the author of Senior Living Made Simple, S-I-M-P-L-E, which we will find out, which each of those letters meet in your book. And she is also the creator of a companion workbook and toolkit designed to help families take clear and practical steps through the sin senior living journey.
00:01:45
Speaker
And I am excited to get to know you and find out about your own journey, Sherry. So welcome to the podcast. Thank you, Kendra. It's so lovely to be here. Thank you for joining us. So Sherry, tell us about you and in that journey of how you, wherever it is you started, that you ended up now in this path in your life of senior living.
00:02:12
Speaker
Yeah, very long and winding road to get here. um i actually started out as a theater kid. And when I was in high school, I actually worked at a summer stock theater, um kind of interned there, where I actually lived with my grandparents for those two summers that I worked at the the theater. And most of the patrons at the theater were senior citizens. And I think that's where this all started for me is I just had this really nice connection with um these these older adults um for whatever reason. and I really enjoyed being around them. Cut you know, past that when, you know, i went to school at and NYU and I actually did, you know, continue in my theater and acting um career into l LA um right after college. And um did that for a while, kind of put put any senior citizen stuff on the back background, um didn't think about it, but went through all that, ended up then getting married and having two children and And when I went back to work, once they were a little bit older, i you know kind of fell into doing pharmaceutical sales. And with that, I sold a medication named Namenda.
00:03:32
Speaker
Namenda is a medication that's used to treat Alzheimer's. And so that sort of... and opened my eyes a little bit initially to this world of memory loss and Alzheimer's and memory care.
00:03:49
Speaker
And, you know, in speaking with all the nurses and doctors and and people in that world, it just piqued my interest. And i then kind of started working at a memory care community and as in sales. And that really opened my eyes because now I'm working with all the residents, right? And I'm working with the families um of these residents and and helping guide them through this this crazy journey. and that's that's where really everything started for me. um I went on to work for another community that
00:04:23
Speaker
um, had independent assisted living and memory care and became a sales specialist all over the country after that.
Planning for Senior Living
00:04:32
Speaker
And so over the years, over gosh, a period of 13, 14 years, I must have sat at the table, you know, with hundreds and hundreds of families and helped guide them through this maze of senior living and help them to navigate, um,
00:04:52
Speaker
how you know how it was going to work, like what to do, and answered all their questions. And I kept answering the kind of very similar questions and seeing a lot of the same you know reactions. A lot of families came to me just completely panicked and feeling guilty and feeling anxious and not knowing what to do and how to handle their or their mom or their dad or their spouse um at this stage of life. And so I decided to write a book and it's called Senior Living Made Simple. And it really um puts all of the things that I had witnessed in in terms of you know not only the stories of things that I had seen and and kind of funny day-to-day um situations, but also a lot of the information that I had been giving to these families over the years.
00:05:41
Speaker
It is a book that is meant to be read prior to coming into this situation where you're having to you know, figure out senior living for a loved one. Because if you wait, I do talk about this in the book, but if you wait too long, then you're scrambling, then it creates chaos and confusion and anxiety. And we don't want that, right? So i think, you know, if we can start early and, you know, get this information under our belts and and have just base, you know, solid base of knowledge of what's out there and how to deal with all this,
00:06:18
Speaker
then we're all better off. So, you know, we we plan ahead for so many things in our lives, like weddings and travel and vacations and retirement, but we don't really talk about senior living. We avoid it It's not, you know, the most fun topic and it could be um morbid for some people to think about, you know, that stage of life. But we are all going to get it you know older, he all age So we need to we need to think about it
00:06:52
Speaker
it It is so important to have these conversations, just like when we talk to people about even just their desires of even what they wish for their own death, you know, to and even our own. Yet we, like you said, that word morbid, people think it's morbid to talk about these very natural and real processes that we are all going to go through. Like, a you know, aging is a process and whether...
00:07:21
Speaker
if we have the luxury of dying of old age and aging gracefully, you know, fabulous, but also just the fact that the reality that we will at one point die and having these conversations become so taboo because it's, it's uncomfortable, right. To talk about things that may bring discomfort to ourselves about our own reality. If we're bringing it up to our loved ones, like, Hey, we're, What would you like to, do you know, what would be your wishes and desires, you know, as you get get older? or Do you want to live in an apartment on your own? Would you let rather it be in care? And sometimes we are the ones that end up having to make that decision for them as children of aging parents. And especially you said care memory, you know, that you worked with a lot with medication that had to do with Alzheimer's.
00:08:16
Speaker
then there's definitely at those points, it is all on you. There's not that conversation at that point, if by chance your loved one is already in a state that they are not able to make that decision. And that becomes even harder, right?
00:08:31
Speaker
Absolutely. So if we can kind of stave that off and help them to make their own decisions prior to them not being able to, then that's that's the best possible scenario. Unfortunately, that's just not always the case. And I have met with so many families who are in the midst of an emergency, you know, they never really planned ahead and they didn't realize, you know, something could happen such as mom, mom fell and, and, you know, she broke her hip and now she's in the hospital and then she's going to be in in rehab for a few weeks. And then what can she go home? Is it safe?
00:09:09
Speaker
You know, probably not. um or now, you know, you're noticing, um, or maybe you get a call from a neighbor from, you know, somebody who's saying, Oh yeah. Um, I saw your dad, you know,
00:09:23
Speaker
knocking on our neighbor's door in at 2 you know, totally confused. And this has been happening for a few days. And oh, my God. And so now it's your responsibility to suddenly, like, figure out a solution. And and it all comes down to safety and and dignity, you know, making sure that your loved one is safe and feeling comfortable and is getting the right care. um But that takes time sometimes to find and to figure out. um So like I said, starting early before those those types of things happen is the key.
The SIMPLE Framework for Senior Living
00:10:02
Speaker
That is the key. Now, what, because you have simple S dot I dot, what does the simple acronym stand for? Yeah. So it it's a framework. It's sort of there to kind of guide you um through this whole process. And so each letter is a word. So S stands for support And that means, you know, we cannot do this solo. If you've got a loved one um who who needs care, you're not superwoman. You're not going to be able to handle everything on your own. And I work with a lot of people in the sandwich generation who've also got kids so or teens or young adults themselves they've got their careers and now they've got their aging parents. Well, it's impossible to do everything perfectly on your own. am that, I am the sandwich one. needs yeah shouldn a Me too. too.
00:11:02
Speaker
And so, you know, it's just so difficult. So, so having, you know, friends, family support professionals, um, You know, whether that's a geriatric care manager or a social worker or a senior living placement advisor or whatever it is, having that support around you is so, so important and vital um so you don't get completely overwhelmed and then you can't, you're no good to anybody.
00:11:26
Speaker
And then i I is for information. So again, that goes back to, you know, having this kind of base of knowledge prior to all of this going on. So maybe once your parents turn, you know, 65, you start gathering information. i know that seems crazy and weird, but it helps. um So if you have information about you know what types of senior living is out there, what is a cost? What do i you know what do i have to do to to have a loved one go there? you know All of this information, having it just
00:12:03
Speaker
kind of you know, prepared at your fingertips is is also really important. M is for matching. So when you're in the process of figuring out potential senior living community for a loved one, you want to match their personality and their care needs to the specific community because they're all very different and your parent is very unique. So for example, if your mom is sort of you know the life of the party and loves being around people great then you're wanting to look for a community that is a larger community perhaps with more people and lots of activities and you know things going on socially but if like say your mom is you know real uh kind more of a loner quiet type and then that wouldn't work for her you know if there's like a mandatory fun hour every tuesday night
00:12:56
Speaker
you know, that's not for her. That's, that's not going to fit. So on top of that, you know, what kind of care needs does your loved one have, you know, are they going to need full on, you know, help with transfers from a chair or a bed into a wheelchair, or are they fairly independent, you know,
00:13:16
Speaker
So matching is really important in terms of finding the right place for the right person. Okay. P P is preparation. Preparation is getting everything in order ahead of time, not at 2 AM when you're in the hospital, you know, trying to figure out, does my mom have long-term care insurance? Does, do they benefit? Will they get a benefit from the veterans? Um,
00:13:41
Speaker
association, are they do they have a 401k? Is that house you know something that they want to use for to sell to to pay for a senior living? So how ah who's the power of attorney for health and finances? Where is all this per paperwork? So prepping you know way ahead of time is going to help alleviate so much anxiety and and craziness um when the day finally does come.
00:14:10
Speaker
So like, for example, my mom and i took a full Saturday afternoon and sat down and we went through, she had met with, you know, an attorney and we met, we went through this whole book that she had prepared with all of the information for her end of life wishes and everything that I would need to know so that I could be prepared. So prepping with your loved one, um it's, it's going to help you. It's, you know, end there. So, so, so vital.
00:14:41
Speaker
And then where are we? L? L is letting go. and letting go is twofold. So letting go means letting go of the idea of guilt.
00:14:58
Speaker
Letting go of the feeling that you're doing something that could be, you know, wrong for your parents because what, what that guilt is signaling is that you love them and you don't know if you're, you know, doing the right thing and, you know doing what they want, but, but you got to let go of that feeling because it doesn't serve anybody. Right. So let go of that feeling of like, Oh my God, I I'm doing everything wrong.
00:15:31
Speaker
You're doing everything you can. That's all you can do. and The letting go is also letting go of stuff. Because as you know, when you move to a senior living community, you can't bring you know, everything that you have, including your house, um you got to let go of the things because the most important thing is that community and connection and, and, you know, the care.
00:15:57
Speaker
So, so that 50 year old antique table or the, the China set that, you know, your loved one has been holding onto to It's not going to serve them really when they do have care needs that are not doable in a house.
00:16:16
Speaker
So let go of the stuff. Let go of feeling like you have to hold on to everything emotionally and physically. And then finally, we have e engagement.
00:16:27
Speaker
Engagement is actually spending time with your loved one but now in a different way. So you're not taking care of them.
00:16:38
Speaker
Once they go to a senior living community or they're getting the care that they need, now you can engage with them in a way that you're the daughter or you're the the wife or the husband or the son um the way it it really should be. um so you can go and you can, you know, play chess with them or take them out for lunch or, you know, have a conversation about whatever and and and engage with them in a fun, nice way that feels natural instead of hopefully not, you know, changing their incontinence supplies or helping them shower or, you know, helping them eat or whatever it may be.
00:17:15
Speaker
um which is really not our role. um And so having professionals hopefully deal with with the things that we are not meant to be doing, but and you know leaving that room for engaging with them and just knowing that you know you can engage with them and then you can go on with your life and do what you need to do in your life. You're no longer there you know care manager or their their caregiver in that sense, you're now their daughter, son, wife, husband.
00:17:49
Speaker
So that's engagement.
Addressing Stigma and Sharing Experiences
00:17:51
Speaker
yeah As you're saying this, it's so interesting because I start getting like even anxiety of as you're saying it, because one of the things too is how to even have this conversation when a parent that that is not in their scope of what they would wish that they would do not because who knows what ideas because that's the thing too it's like the idea of living in a senior facility or assisted living has sometimes culturally or society certain connotations whether that is that you're alone that you don't have anybody that take care take cares takes care of you, right? All these things that are associated with that. You're not wanted. You're not whatever that could be associated with these that are not true, yet we make them sometimes part of our story of why we may not choose to want to have that either for ourselves
00:19:00
Speaker
as we age or even just for our parents, because they were well, if we say that, does that mean that I'm saying I don't want you know, not want to take care of them and love them? Right. So how do we start? And I know this is all in your book because that is why you made it And I'm sure that this is one of those tough ones that you have to deal with families when you're talking. How do you get over that hump of being able to have that conversation and being able to release, like you said, the letting go of that guilt of of choosing this for your loved one if by chance they did not choose it for themselves?
00:19:42
Speaker
Yeah, it is. it's It's probably the hardest part. um So first of all, any conversation you have with your loved one about it isn't going to be one conversation. It's going to be multiple conversations. And even it could take months. It could, you know, and sometimes we don't have that that time. So, you know, but if you do, um it it's sort of like you do a little pinprick. You just kind of lay the foundation by simply asking, you know, right out how, do you know, what are your, what are your end of life plans? What do you want to do? If you, it's not safe to live in the home anymore, what do you want to do? How do you see yourself living? You know, when you're 80 years old, um,
00:20:25
Speaker
Ask questions. We never want to say, you need to do this. You need to go here. Because really, the whole thing is about losing control and losing independence. That's why it's so scary to think about going into, you know, leaving a house, leaving your home and going into this place that, you In our most of our parents' um eyes, they are thinking and imagining like this dark, dreary nursing home situation, which back in the day, that's kind of what it was. That's what they had. But today's you know assisted living communities are vibrant, for the most part, vibrant and beautiful and you know lots and lots to do and
00:21:13
Speaker
you know So it's a whole different situation, but they're not they don't know that. So that's okay. So we want to introduce, first of all, the idea of it in a way that's not scary. I always like to start with not using specific language, such as facility, nursing home, old age home, things like that, like home. like i don't know. There's just a connotation that comes along with especially like facility or institution, um So we want to use words like community like or apartment. Yeah. Because you say facility, I think of prison. Exactly. And everyone tends to use that word. And I always want to correct them because it's a scary word and it doesn't really um equate to what's out there. So so community community, apartment, you know, real simple thing, but it kind of makes a little difference. And you want to slowly but surely warm warm up your loved ones.
00:22:13
Speaker
and by asking those those simple questions. and then kind of with with the preparation or information, we want to gather some information. So maybe you, as the daughter or goes and explores and looks at some communities in the area, gets, you know, maybe you talk to some of the people that live there. Maybe you, you know, just talk to people in in your own community about what's out there. So you explore, maybe kind of find two top places that you think would fit your loved one. Then you say, hey, mom, dad, let's go out for lunch.
00:22:54
Speaker
Take them to the community. No pressure. This is not a tour. This is a visit and there's no pressure and there's no specific like agenda, right? We're just going and having lunch at this place. Open their eyes to whatever this might actually look like, right? Have them sit down and talk to some other residents. And hopefully the residents have something positive to say. If not, that's not the place, right? But just get them, you know, used to, ok wow, this is, this is actually not bad, right?
00:23:28
Speaker
Then you want to, you know, kind of just slowly just keep bringing it up. Hopefully, They decide on their own that this is something they want versus when something happens like a fall or, you know, some sort of illness that, you know, brings in the hospital that then you're getting complications and then you just have to go to, you know, a place.
00:23:56
Speaker
That could happen. And it does happen quite a bit. In fact, my father-in-law, um I'm out here in California. He's in Florida. I noticed over a couple year period couple of years that he was declining. He was very isolated. he was not eating well. He didn't seem very healthy. And so i brought up the idea of assisted living. He was like, oh, hell no, I'm not going. i am not leaving. no, no, no not happening.
00:24:26
Speaker
Totally opposed for like two years. That's why I'm saying like, bring it up early, you know, or as early as you possibly can, because it could take some time. Well, in the end, like I said, this happens all the time. He fell and he was found on the floor hours later, broken hip.
00:24:44
Speaker
went to the hospital, went to rehab, had no choice but to go to an assisted living. But he was feeling okay about it because I had talked to him many times about the idea of it. And he had sort of over time, even though he was saying he was opposed, it kind of got in his head and he was like,
00:25:05
Speaker
Okay, I accept this. Well, fast forward you know two months later of moving into this assisted living, Completely different person.
00:25:17
Speaker
Seemed like he was 10 years younger. Eating three good nutritious meals a day, not microwaved. And me socializing, playing cards, you know, going to the store with the the transportation the community offered because he no longer could drive. And he, you know, I just actually saw him now. It's been about three years since he's been in the community. And he is arriving And he's like just a prime example of why I advocate for community living as we age. um It's not for everybody. I'm not saying that, but it is a really good choice um for a lot of people, especially if you are have become isolated. and And think that being around people and being around community, but yet also having the privacy of your own apartment is is such a wonderful thing as we age. And and that's really what life's about. you know it's It's not about the things. It's not about the house. It's about you know participating in life and and in the community.
00:26:26
Speaker
And so anyway, that's why I'm a really bit ah big advocate. I've seen this happen more times than I could ever count. being around you know all of these families and the the communities that I worked in, the difference that I saw, not only in the residents' face and and health and and seemingly you know their happiness, but also the families. Because now you know the families are like, oh, my you know mom, my dad, they're They're actually doing pretty well.
00:26:59
Speaker
um And it alleviates over time. Their guilt does alleviate. That initial guilt is normal. It's going to happen. But it does it does tend to dissipate. And i i do see differences in the faces of family members oftentimes you know after their loved one has settled in
00:27:22
Speaker
Hi, I just wanted to take a quick pause and ask that if this episode is speaking to you, I'd love for you to subscribe to my newsletter. Just go to my website, grief, gratitude and the gray in between. And you will be receiving some of my newsletters I send every probably couple of weeks.
00:27:44
Speaker
Also, if someone has popped into your mind and you feel that this is something that would resonate with, please send them this episode right now because it may just be what they needed to hear.
00:27:59
Speaker
Now let's get back to the show.
00:28:04
Speaker
In my book, I talk about the whole process of the move and you know the day-to-day after the move happens and the weeks after and how long it takes to kind of really settle in and what those stages look like. it's I'm not going to say that this is all...
00:28:21
Speaker
you know, wonderful, fairy, lovely. No, it's perfect. It's a huge transition. I was just even thinking of just the grief itself because relocating, even just moving to another home brings a lot of grief. So yes, that, and especially I was just even like jotting down here, even asking you when you're not able to bring some of the things that even ground you and make it be your home. Like we were saying, let's say that antique, uh,
00:28:51
Speaker
table that represents like your family heritage and it's been in your home forever. And then you move somewhere and there's this things there that you're not able to even bring that kind of grind or ground you, ground you.
00:29:06
Speaker
they're There is in that. You're letting go of things that you identify as home and right not bringing them with you. And that's why the transition is difficult initially.
00:29:21
Speaker
but what I find is that even though they're losing some things, they're gaining so many other things. And so many people think they're losing independence when in fact they actually gain independence. They are able to... you know Everything's now at your fingertips. You're able to do so much more without so much help from, like say, your you know your daughter or your son. So you gain companionship. You gain community. You you gain a different sense of of life altogether. But yes, you do need to grieve the things that you are losing.
00:30:00
Speaker
That is a complete reality. um There is there is a time period where there is a huge adjustment. And um I'm not going to lie, it's it's not easy. But in the end, you know over time, it does get so much easier and things actually do get a lot better. But you got to get through that period.
00:30:27
Speaker
Yeah, there's a duality in emotions too. Just because you're grieving what you've left, you could still be enjoying what you've gained too in this space. It's not and or. You know you can still, even somebody that might have been still living there years ago,
00:30:44
Speaker
you know down the line and enjoying their community and enjoying their freedom. Like you said, there's still parts of their life that they're going to grieve. And that is normal. That is okay. There's nothing wrong with grieving the life you had, yet being grateful for the life you now have as well. yeah it's it's it's and the And like you said, all these other things that you've gained, the relationships that that you're building because the people that you're around are all in the same space. So you have this community of people that gets you because you're living in a space around other like-minded people. When in like in the one of the tools that I talk about, like in grief, when somebody that say has
00:31:30
Speaker
had a death in their family is finding other people that you can relate to. and in this case, you're relating to others that have made just the same step as you have. And some have been there for more years. So they're able to kind of guide you and give you hope as to what it would look like if you are the one that's moving to this new home. Right. yeah And then you can then be that mentor for ah somebody else then as they come into the space as well. So you're you're it's it's constantly evolving those roles of you accompanying somebody else that's there. you know It's like settling in. Absolutely. and And that gives you also a sense of purpose, right?
Personalizing Senior Living Spaces
00:32:10
Speaker
Yes. You have a reason to get up in the morning when you, one, have have things to do and you know that there's activities around you that that you can participate in, but also that you're guiding other people that have maybe in the past guided you, you know, the same way. So, so you feel like there's, there is something to do. And I really believe that that is one of the most important things as we age um is finding that, that sense of purpose and not letting it go.
00:32:40
Speaker
You know, I was watching in those shows of like the blue zones, you know, like the people that live for a long... And really one of the things that does help us live longer is having a sense of purpose and having a sense of community. And so, like you said, even just with your own father-in-law that you've seen him age backwards just since he's been there. And it's probably because he's gained those two things, community and purpose. And especially you don't live in the same state. I don't live in the same state as my dad, who's now remarried, my dad's a widow and now remarried.
00:33:12
Speaker
So that part of him not having even us living nearby, right? Doesn't have that part. And then there's a part of then community as well. Thank goodness he has someone, you know, you know, he has his wife, but you know, that, that part of, yeah. Yeah. It's just so, so important in your in your well-being to have those two those two things. So this is something that we are adding to our lives by being in these kind of spaces. So that is huge.
00:33:44
Speaker
Thank you, Sherry, for that. So Sherry, as I was like then saying, what are some of these things that people do end up bringing along with them that you've noticed that, and like that they put in their room that ends up grant grounding their space to make it feel like home?
00:34:01
Speaker
What do you, what, what do you feel? And I know it's in your book, but with that you could just give our listeners like a little tidbit of some of the things you do bring along. Absolutely. So I think that one of the top number one things would be photos and pictures. um so things that you can hang on your wall,
00:34:20
Speaker
old, old photos of family or whatever's happened in your life. And it's always so interesting when other people come into the room, you know, to to kind of look around, look and see all these, these photos and get it an idea, a sense of, you know, who this person was as a youngster. So, you know, having all that and up there is wonderful. And then just having, you know, maybe you have a special blanket or a special chair that, you know, usually sit in to to read or to watch TV or whatever it is. So maybe one real important piece of furniture that you you love that can fit in the room.
00:34:58
Speaker
And, you know, just maybe even just articles of clothing that you really, really love. You know, these are things that you can always bring, right? But i I do think that the artwork, the photos, things you can display, that's that's the the best possible thing that you could bring and make you feel like you're at home. I think, again, you know reconnecting yourself to family in the sense of you know being able to see their faces every day in a photo is is always going to you know help and and make you feel like you are grounded.
00:35:35
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's kind of like when you even move to, you know, you've lived you you lived in New York, you live now live in California, you're you're an East Coast girl now living in the West Coast.
Caregiving and Family Dynamics
00:35:46
Speaker
and the Right? Is that correct? Yes, that is right. So if you then you are, I've moved a lot. i'm from Colombia. I've lived in the States. I've moved and the and... I do have like buckets full of all like my pictures. It's funny though, because they're, um you know, Tupperware, whatever those containers, yet there's some of them are not even displayed, but just even the having them as I've moved throughout the last 30 years of my
00:36:14
Speaker
life around the yeah States and, you know, coming to another country feel like I'm bringing a part of me. And so the same thing with here, there's like, you're bringing something along that has been part of your journey.
00:36:29
Speaker
I always think like, okay, if there was a fire, which unfortunately living in California, I've had to kind of get through a few times and had to run out the door at the last second. And I had to figure out, you know, what is it that I want to bring? What can I get before I leave? Because who knows what's going to be here when I get back. Thankfully, you know, i haven't had any problems.
00:36:55
Speaker
damage or, or my house is is still standing and it's fine. But, you know, a lot of other people aren't as fortunate. And anyway, so, you know, having to figure that out on the flight, the thing that I have collected every single time, well,
00:37:11
Speaker
the two times that I've had to leave quickly is my photo albums and my, i have a bucket, you know, like you said, a Tupperware thing of, of photos. And um that's what I took.
00:37:23
Speaker
And, and my, my animals, of course, and our document and our documents sometimes, our documents but yeah, but like, and I didn't even really think for a second about, you know, taking things, any things, any, any,
00:37:40
Speaker
yeah, probably grabbed a couple of valuables, but that's it. Like, and I didn't think twice. I mean, I had to have the photos. I had to have those, those documents, obviously. So that to me tells me like what is really important and, and it transfers over to when, you know, our loved ones do move. Same thing if, if our kids are going to college, you know, they're, they're going to have to probably get new furniture and and new things. And, but yeah,
00:38:09
Speaker
Taking along some of those mementos, those treasures of photos and you know things like that, that's that's what I think will make you feel grounded, whether you're a college student or whether you're a senior citizen. Same thing.
00:38:22
Speaker
I love that. Thank you. Sherry, when you were talking earlier about your own story of having been a theater kid, which by the way, that's I majored in theater myself too. So it's like, and here I am doing something different. You are also doing something different. Yes. Totally different. And and the I want to talk about the the element of identity because we ourselves are even living a different identity than we even thought we were going to have in terms of what it is we do, right? What we do is different.
00:38:56
Speaker
The identity aspect... in the caretaker role, the child role, the spouse role. And that part I think is huge. And you said that earlier, that when you are able to just to really just be the child and not be the caretaker,
00:39:19
Speaker
Can you talk of maybe you have some stories of how the dynamics of the family can be but can benefit from these type of situations because of that identity kind of being still what it was that it's the child still remains being the child.
00:39:41
Speaker
Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, I i kind of go back to when I've seen families try to you know take care of their loved one in their home, right, on their own without a caregiver, just you're the caregiver in in their home or they're in your home.
00:40:00
Speaker
The stress that I see um from both parties is enormous. There is no room for the interactions that you would have as a child, adult child. The fun goes out the door. you know It's not fun and it's stressful. And it creates this sense of like just, I don't know what the word would be, despair. There's always like guilt and I'm not doing enough and you know How do I do this properly? and And there's just not enough time. There's not enough time for sleep. there's not And when you don't sleep and you don't rest, then that affects everything else. So you know that's why when you can separate that and have your loved one being cared for differently, by professionals where you can go visit and you can spend time with your loved one as the adult child, that forges a much nicer, closer relationship where you can actually just be their son, daughter, or wife, or husband and not have to worry about those things that as their child
00:41:21
Speaker
you shouldn't necessarily have to be doing, right? So that's why, again, I advocate for one, not taking care of a loved one yourself in a home.
00:41:34
Speaker
I know that sometimes that is impossible to not, you know, maybe there's a financial issue because obviously we know that senior living in all forms is can be expensive. But, you know, in the end,
00:41:50
Speaker
If we can figure out a way to make it happen where your loved one is getting the care they need outside the home and outside of your yeah own self, then that's ideal. And i think in the end, it's just creates so much less stress and and creates um a feeling of getting back to the family, the family dynamics, um which is the natural order of things, you know, in the end.
00:42:20
Speaker
and And I'm not saying that you don't need to, you know, even if a loved one is in a senior living community, let's say, there's always still responsibilities, you know, to you got to advocate for your loved one, you got to make sure that they're getting what they need, um and observing and and, you know, making sure that they're they They have the things that that they specifically need that maybe the community can't really do for them. But it it's a way it's way lesser load than actually doing the care yourself.
00:42:54
Speaker
That is something that you can now you know be relieved of.
Choosing the Right Location for Senior Living
00:42:58
Speaker
And then you can just do the the little things, the little errands, little whatever. But you can spend time with your loved one and in a much, much less stressful way.
00:43:09
Speaker
As you're saying this, I'm thinking you you mentioned your father-in-law lives in Florida. You guys live in California. When you're, we're having to try to make the decision as to the where, because then if you're moving out of your home, do you suggest or do most people end up moving? Let's say if you don't live near your children,
00:43:30
Speaker
and you, the, or your your parents don't live near you, or, or if you're the one listening to this as you're aging and you don't live near your children and you're trying to figure out where would i want to go? Do I want to be still in the same city or state that I'm already living, even if my children are away or like, how do you make that decision or of the where?
00:43:52
Speaker
Yeah. And I, I really think it depends on a couple things. So, I mean, cause I've had so many families where they've moved their loved one, you know, from across the country to a community that's real close to them because they really love to, they they have a close relationship, let's say, and really want to like be able to see them on a regular basis at the community, or maybe their loved one has, you know, some severe um care needs, you know, or they have dementia and they do need to have
00:44:27
Speaker
a loved one close by to tend to some of the things that they're going to need, even with them getting care of the community, there's still things to take care of. So that would be a reason why you'd want to have your loved one, you know, move. I have also had family members move out to their loved one where they live. And, you know, but that's less plausible because typically the adult child has other responsibilities near their own home. They can't just pick up and you know, move their kids to another school or change their jobs all of a sudden. So typically you're either going to have your loved one move to towards you, or if you do, if nobody can move, then unfortunately you're going to have to make the track back and forth. But what the good thing is today in today's world, we have technology and that does alleviate some of this. When you do live across the country from your loved one, um
00:45:24
Speaker
Totally out of, you know, just not near them. Whether that means, you know, FaceTime or, you know, you you have cameras now you have Alexa devices, you have ways to communicate with your loved one. in a much easier way than we used to.
00:45:42
Speaker
So as long as the community can help with that, because as you know, are you know some older people do not understand technology, understandably.
00:45:52
Speaker
So as long as they've got you know the help to get all these things going and and set up then that's another really nice way to be able to still have a presence in your loved one's lives, even if they're there across the country from you.
00:46:11
Speaker
Yeah, that yes my goodness. Yeah, it makes such a big difference. Even just me thinking of when I moved to the States and my parents were in Colombia and that I don't know how often i i would even talk on the phone with them.
00:46:22
Speaker
You know, it was mainly through letters and waiting for a letter to get here. And like now, as I'm thinking of when my kids are going to go to college, well, one's already in college, but he's commuting. So he's still a little...
00:46:35
Speaker
it's just different. Right. And now I can even see where they are in these like apps of like, Oh, they're life 360. Oh, they're this, you know? Yeah, I know. It's amazing. different It's so cool. And then even like, um, if you're concerned about, you know, are they taking their medications? There's medication, like pill boxes that are like technologically, you know, like a hotel room yeah like yeah hotel room that if you pick up a snack, they automatically charge it to your thing. It's probably like a pill box that, you know, when it's been taken oh yeah you know, they've taken it. It's my, yeah. on my goodness
00:47:08
Speaker
I know even, you know, I mean, you can say you have a parent with diabetes and they've got, you know, diabetes type two and they have to, you know, take insulin and you can have a little monitor i've I've seen this with a lot of families where they have a little monitor themselves where it tells you if their their blood sugar is too high or too low. So then you can call the community and say, hey, you know my mom or dad is you know dealing with this. So there's there's a lot of technology out there that really, really helps to alleviate um some of that stress that goes along with being across, you know not near your parent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, that is, that's so helpful to have all these resources that we have.
Importance of Early Preparation and Conversations
00:47:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:47:52
Speaker
Sherry, as we wrap up, by I always like to ask before we go into how people can get in touch with you and get your book and stuff. Is there something I have not asked you that you want to make sure to share with the audience?
00:48:03
Speaker
Um, I, we, we've touched on this, but I just want to make it just super clear in that, you know, we we will wait to deal with this until the last second, because it's not a pleasant topic, but I promise you, if you act, um,
00:48:23
Speaker
early and prep and prepare and get this information, you know, ahead of time before having to just do it on the whim and then make bad decisions. Hopefully not, but it happens.
00:48:38
Speaker
Then, you know, this will make it so much easier for you in the long run. so sit down with your loved one, go through their paperwork, make sure that's in order, reach out to local community, um you know, referral agents, find out what's in the community in terms of, of,
00:48:57
Speaker
where your parent might go, could go um in in a couple different scenarios, whether it's memory care or assisted living or, you know, what what else is out there? Is there a six bed, like a boarding care home? And what kind of skilled nursing facilities are there? You know, find all this stuff out ahead of time, get it off your your plate. So then then when and if things happen quickly, which unfortunately they do, a lot of times, then you're're you're ready to go, hopefully. And just keep on talking to your loved one about about what their wishes are. you know Just ask questions and do it in a way that's coming from love and just showing them that you care,
00:49:45
Speaker
not don't make it scary you know don't make it like you have to do this let them retain their their independence and their control over it let them feel like they are making the decision but that is done by slowly introducing the idea of let's think about what's what's to be when you age and i think that's my biggest message to everyone Thank you, Sherry.
Episode Wrap-up and Contact Information
00:50:12
Speaker
Thank you so much. And now Sherry, how do people get in touch with you and get the book?
00:50:18
Speaker
Yeah. so my website is the same as my book title, seniorlivingmadesimple.com on the, in the webpage or in the website, you can actually order my, my books there. You can also sign up for some coaching, some senior living coaching in case you just need a hand to get through the process. just to have a friendly um ear to talk to, a hand to hold, and then to get a bunch of resources that you may need. So you can sign up for different length sessions with me, um or you can go to amazon.com, walmart.com, barnesandnobles.com, anywhere you know online books are sold and you can order my books there.
00:51:01
Speaker
Perfect. Thank you again, Sherry. Again, this was Sherry Ross with Senior Living Made Simple. And we are so grateful again to have you here and for opening up our eyes into this world in which so many of us, either ourselves will have to do or we'll have to navigate through with our parents. So thank you.
00:51:22
Speaker
Thank you, Kendra. It was lovely to to be here with you today. Thank you.
00:51:35
Speaker
thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief.
00:51:48
Speaker
If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:52:04
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me.
00:52:16
Speaker
And thanks once again for tuning in to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray In Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.