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Valentine's Day Relationship Advice | #JY S3E26
72 Plays1 year ago
This week we read some juicy stories from r/RelationshipAdvice and boy oh boy, we do some advising! If you're looking for unsolicited love advice, or just want to hear some fun drama, come hang out and have a good time!
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Transcript
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Features and Customization of Wild Deodorant
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Speaker
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00:01:41
Speaker
Welcome back to another episode of hashtag judging you.
Meet the Hosts: Shannon and Alyssa
00:01:46
Speaker
I'm Shannon. I'm Alyssa. And we were just talking about smudge. So welcome to that shit show. We won't be talking about it anymore. That's probably a lie. A lie because half of my things are about it. Kind of, not really. Smudge? No, not smudge. Sex? Yeah, relationships, obviously, since that's what we're going to be talking about today. Because it's February now and we wanted to talk about
00:01:55
Speaker
Hi everybody! There's a visual in my head.
00:02:10
Speaker
Relationships. Yeah. I don't know. We don't really have a slinging logo we thingy form. R slash relationship advice. Yeah. That's all. That's what we wanted to do. Basic. Yeah. We wanted to give love advice. Yeah.
Valentine's Day Humor
00:02:25
Speaker
To people who were actually asking for it. Exactly. So that's what we're gonna do today. Okay, I know it's not Valentine's Day when this comes out, but I just found some Valentine's Day jokes. Oh, yay. So.
00:02:39
Speaker
Whoo, why do skunks love Valentine's Day? I don't know because they're sensual creatures Going around trying to rape cats and shit he is He's trying to coerce cats It's the same thing I mean it is
00:03:07
Speaker
um let's see let's see let's see oh gosh what did one tortoise say when the other one asked it to be their valentine you'll never guess i shall turtley oh no that's bad that one's bad knock knock who's there water water who what are you doing this valentine
00:03:38
Speaker
Have I told you that I really want to do an episode where I just try to make you laugh? But I don't know how fun that would be to listen to versus like watching. Watching would maybe be fun. Especially with
Fun with Pronunciations and TikTok Language
00:03:53
Speaker
the water.
00:03:55
Speaker
I would be drenched yeah I'll get you a rain poncho thanks okay I'm gonna put these away okay so we found some fun relationship advice stories yeah we're just gonna read them and talk about them absolutely chill yeah so that's that's what we're here to do yeah okay okay okay okay the random says Zach says that all the time
00:04:21
Speaker
the rannon yeah like i'll like uh he'll be like oh you talking to him like shannon or like hey shannon said this and he's like the shannon says i don't know except but i'll be like i'm just talking to rannon he's like what does the rannon say
00:04:36
Speaker
like it's just we say a lot of words really weirdly and stuff like we say landry we'll say laundry we say landry okay and stuff so have you seen those tiktoks where the couples will be like what do we call this and the other one will like say a weird word like my favorite that I still say is someone was like what do we call spinach and they were like sponge anyway
Relationship Advice: Stories and Insights
00:05:00
Speaker
Okay, now we're gonna talk about the language of love. Love. And people being awful people. I'm excited. Shannon got some real fun ones and I got some not as fun ones, but like, I had two that are really long and two that are kind of short, so. Okay. I thought that would work, so. Okay, first
Trust Issues in Relationships: A Betrayal Story
00:05:17
Speaker
up. Yes.
00:05:18
Speaker
My husband shared my nudes. What do I do? I, 27F, am married to 27M. We have a toddler son together and we've been together for five years married for one and a half of those. Over the last couple years some things have come to light that probably should end in divorce but obviously having a child together makes it even harder to leave. Tell me. Does it though? Does it? I don't know. Because if Toni did anything I'd be like yeah I will be a single mother right? I love you. Don't fuck up.
00:05:50
Speaker
That's my favorite thing is that it's not that hard just don't fuck up Yeah, you know like it's it's it's different if you're if you're oh, I got in a car accident and I am paralyzed and stuff You should not be getting divorced no because of that fuck that but oh I got a car accident I flew through the windshield and my penis ended up in her vagina. I don't know like that's That's still a little iffy there. Yeah
00:06:15
Speaker
Are you paralyzed? No, you're gonna be. Yeah Yeah, so yeah, I understand when people use that as an excuse but also I'm like But you're leaving your kid in that situation like depending on you know, what's going on. Oh, yeah, like it's just
00:06:31
Speaker
And the other, like, okay, here's the thing. If it's something that you believe you can get past, if it's something that you guys decide to go to therapy or it is something that you could forgive, that's on you, that's totally fine. You can't hold it against them from then on. That's all I'm saying. If you forgive, you need to leave it. Yeah, and you choose to stay in said relationship, that's on you, babe. And you should not be bringing that up in every fucking fight from then on out. Because you chose to stay. You chose to stay. Your ass stayed in that house with that man.
00:07:00
Speaker
So, or woman, or partner, spouse, person. So, whoever it is the fuck you're staying with, if you choose to stay, you best be getting the fuck over it. You can be like, well, you cheated in 2004 and you stayed since then. Exactly. So, who's making a dumb choice here? Exactly. It's you.
00:07:18
Speaker
because I don't know it's just always to me it's always that mentality that you if you're staying with someone okay and because again I could I could probably forgive I was drunk I was hanging out with my friends and I kissed a girl I could forgive that I could get over that right because
00:07:36
Speaker
It's and I hate when people oh, they're drunk. They shouldn't be making that using that as an excuse They shouldn't be an excuse to sleep with people. Yeah, no, but if you're ready from any step many steps exactly But like oh, I was just at the bar. I was taking shots I was getting really tipsy and some girl came up and we just kissed and then I realized what I was doing and I pushed her away That's something I can forgive alcohol does inhibit your like choices. There are people who can
00:07:59
Speaker
corroborate your story. Exactly, yes. To be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's too much. And call me immediately. If you're at the bar and you're like, I'm so sorry. I guess the girl, I probably would laugh my ass off, right? But I'm not saying that that's okay. I'm not giving permission to do something. That's not a hot pass, mister. I'm understanding. There are things that I could forgive.
00:08:21
Speaker
that i think i could move past right um especially if you're honest if you're coming to me you're being completely truthful i'm i'm a forgiving person yeah i'm a very forgiving person and i fully believe that honesty is the best thing but there are like multiple steps to cheat if you're full blown having sex with another human like that especially multiple times yeah no fuck you yeah you're out you're done so it's another
00:08:45
Speaker
Maybe the once if you came to me immediately after you were like, I'm so sorry. I really was a moment of weakness I let all of this yada yada like yeah all of that. Maybe something we can move past we're going to therapy though We're doing all these steps, right? And I'm not saying you have to give me your phone password and all that shit not that Zach has a password on this phone But like, you know, like there's you there's gonna be a lot of fucking trust, right? But if I find out you've been cheating on me for months Mm-hmm, or you slept with multiple people even if it was just once each time or whatever
00:09:14
Speaker
No, no, we're fucking done. Okay? Because if you stay with that person, every time they leave the house, every time their phone rings, you're gonna go, who is that? Where's he going? Where's she going? Who's she talking to? Who's he hanging out with right now? Even if they, for the rest of their lives, are the most loyal, loving, faithful people. You will always have that in the back of your brain. You will always think that.
00:09:38
Speaker
And that's what I think. I agree with you 100%. I'm like, it's a little different if somebody's like, it was one time, I was absolutely weak. There was all this stuff going on in our relationship and it's not an excuse. We're on a break. Yeah. Like stuff like, if I can kind of understand extenuating circumstances and whatnot, I could get that. Yeah. Okay. But trust is broken. Yeah. And it's going to take a lot of work to rebuild some of that trust.
Infidelity and Divorce Discussion
00:10:03
Speaker
So.
00:10:04
Speaker
Anyway, sorry. Nudes. Nudes. Nudes. Yes. That's a big nose for me though. Yeah. We haven't even heard the story and I'm just like giggle out. Fact story. Yes. In college, he shared with me a kink he has that involves sharing me with other men.
00:10:21
Speaker
no no i vocalized my discomfort with sleeping with other people while in a relationship and in general he was the first person i had sex with and the only person to this day this led him to asking if i could send nudes to an old guy friend no and ultimately escalated to him asking to post my nudes to reddit no what the fuck no
00:10:43
Speaker
i said no to both it's what he's doing is he's saying look at my prize look at what i have this is mine you should do that with me on your arm yeah at a fancy date oh yeah in a cute dress that you bought me absolutely not fucking naked on the internet yeah oh yep okay anyway he'd be getting no fucking nudes the rest of her
00:11:02
Speaker
I said no to both. I found out back then he had posted a few to Reddit without my knowledge. They were then deleted. Which is illegal. Yes. What? Then illegal? Yeah, that's illegal and a felony in many states. Yeah. So.
00:11:18
Speaker
Over the years the sharing link has come up multiple times and my answer always remained no I've never been able to entertain the idea with role-playing or dirty talk either fast-forward to this past December I found a provocative not nude picture of a random girl saved his camera roll No, I confronted him about it and he said that it was from a snapchat thread where women post their nudes I didn't know there were things like that. I don't have snapchat. Okay. I don't know how I have an
00:11:48
Speaker
I haven't had it on, I've never downloaded it on this phone, but like one of my old coworkers, that's how she preferred to talk. So I got Snapchat and he didn't know how it worked. So we exclusively like, we text and talk through Marco Polo and Neopets. So we just got her a account back. We're real stoked. I've been sending her all the plushies I've been saving up for like three years. Oh yeah. Anyway, if any of you guys like Neopets, let me know.
00:12:17
Speaker
Are you ready? Yeah. Okay, for sure. Okay, he said it was from a Snapchat thread where women post their nudes but that he equated it to porn and never interacted, so I forgave him. Something didn't sit well with me about this, so I sent myself his Snapchat data. Probably an invasion of privacy, but I knew he was lying. How do you do that? I guess she got his phone.
00:12:40
Speaker
okay i don't know i don't know how to do that i also don't know how to use snapchat so i think we talked about this before because you were like there's a snapchat score what do you mean yes that's right yeah i don't
00:12:52
Speaker
yeah yeah people snapchats for cheaters i've known people in relationships who will check their partner's snapchat score to make sure they're not snapping other people too much i was like i get it but like calm down yeah no i don't think if you don't trust them that much you should be in a relationship you need to be talking to them or yeah like that's not
00:13:14
Speaker
I am utterly appalled at what I found. I only obtained data from the last year. At least once a month for all of 2023, he found people on reddit threads to add to snapchat and sext with. These were vulgar messages with both men and women. With the men, he was having them describe what they would do to his wife.
00:13:37
Speaker
what weird that's so weird i'm not kink shaming i know i'm kink shaming i'm kink shaming weird yeah like you're like i'm even to the point where i'm like feet stuff that's normal yeah like that's fine you know people like attracted to calves and whatnot you do you girl that's fine my calves are ugly but my forearms are beautiful right you like them let's go you know but like
00:14:00
Speaker
I don't know. It's just because I'm not a cheaty person. Like I don't like sharing. That'd be like you talking to other women about what they want to do with that. I'd murderize them. What does that? I'd burninate the whole village. Burned and I was doing. Yes. I, yeah. Like, yeah. That would just make me angry. You may ask so angry. I'd be like, fuck off. I thought I'd ask you a question, but get out. Yeah. I was just like, what did you say to my mind? That was a set up bitch.
00:14:35
Speaker
Sorry, my chair's squeaking a lot today. With the women, he was just casually sexting and sending slash receiving pictures. It gets worse. So cheating. Yes.
00:14:47
Speaker
I noticed there were pictures being exchanged with the men and I asked what they were. He said they were random photos from Google. Eventually I got him to admit that he was sometimes sending my nudes that I had sent him in the past for his eyes only. I am devastated. I feel like I have nothing of my own and never will. I confronted him and told him I wanted a divorce.
00:15:08
Speaker
That was three weeks ago. Like I said, we have a child together, so obviously I can't just uproot our lives. Yes. Yes, you can. Yeah. Real fucking fast. Yeah. It'd be a little different if she's like, I'm a stay-at-home mom, I have no money. It'd be a little different. Yeah. But if you have a job, honey buns. Get out. Get out. Yeah. And then take him to the cleaners. Yeah. Fucking everything. I want everything and I want him to go to jail. Mm-hmm. So. Felonies. Felonies. Yeah.
00:15:33
Speaker
we still live together he's sleeping in the guest bedroom however things have started to slip back into normalcy around the house yeah grocery shopping together cooking meals for the other person etc and that is like you're gaslighting yourself babe the most dangerous thing oh yeah like people who stay in those relationships that's the problem is they just like they're like oh well we're here so like i guess it's not that bad anymore he's great in everything else other than breaking my trust completely right like
00:16:00
Speaker
Being with another human that I did not consent to.
00:16:05
Speaker
breaking all the trust. we talk about future events like we will still be together but i know this can't be the way. he says he will get in therapy and get help. i know i can't stay. i should have left the first time but then i wouldn't have my son. so some... oh back in early days. so some good came from that. i just don't know what to do or how to do any of this alone. although i have a great family who would never let me suffer.
00:16:31
Speaker
Go to them. Go to them. Say, hey, this motherfucker ruined my life. Yeah, absolutely. If you have a support system. Get that. Use them. Yes. And your kid's only five. Just go. Just go. He'll be upset for a little while and he'll get the fuck over it. If you go through these awful things and then end up staying together, there might be animosity there. There might be fighting over it. Exactly. And you don't want to subject your child to more. To more. Yep.
00:16:59
Speaker
But that's exactly what I was saying before, too. You can't hold that against the person if that's something that you're going to decide to stay for. Because if you do, if you're constantly holding that against the other person, your kids are going to see that. They're going to see mom and dad are fighting again, even if they're being silent to one another. That's still a form of fighting. So it doesn't have to be screaming and raging and slamming things around and throwing shit. Silence to one another, where the whole house has to be walking on eggshells. Because if you say one thing, it might set off one or the other, and then they'll start like,
00:17:29
Speaker
yeah yeah no i'm scared life is expensive i have a kid to take care of and i don't want to have to share him but he is a great father and my son adores him this
Staying Together for Children: Is It Worth It?
00:17:38
Speaker
is the hardest thing i've ever had to go through and i just don't know if i can ever trust him again then you need to leave then you need to leave
00:17:45
Speaker
Here's you know there's that one couple that uh that I heard on reddit they had their whole little Little whatnot where they bought a house together Or they bought like a duplex or whatever that like and they built a connecting door in between Their child had the only key for and so maybe you do that if you're like no I don't want to share my kid, but like you're gonna have to yeah, yeah, I
00:18:09
Speaker
You either move the fuck on or you learn to share with the kid or you murder them. But don't, don't do that. You'll go to jail and then you don't get your kid. Yeah, that's a bad idea. And you go to hell. Don't get caught for murdering them. Yes. Anyway, your turn. If you get arrested, first calls to? Your lawyer. Not your mom. Good job. Thank you. You shot me well.
00:18:38
Speaker
This one's a little bit long, I'm sorry.
Paternity Test Request: Trust or Doubt?
00:18:40
Speaker
So absolutely feel free to cut in as many times as you want because fuck me. I, 35 male, asked my fiancé, 28F, for a paternity test. Let me start off by saying that I love and trust my fiancé. Doesn't sound like it. We have been together for two and a half years and have had ups and downs like every relationship.
00:19:01
Speaker
One of the things that has caused some issue is she is the type that remains friends with a lot of people that most people wouldn't. Exes. She has been wonderful in listening to issues I have with anything and resolving them on her end and has gone to the ends of the earth to make sure I'm comfortable. One week before our two year anniversary, the mother
00:19:22
Speaker
of one of her exes, I'm thinking, because it was really mixed up right there, posted on Facebook about her husband, ex's father, passing away. She was close to his mom and dad and his mother asked her to come to the funeral and I had zero issue with that. When she went to the funeral a few days later, she said she went back to his mom's house for food and hung out for a while. She offered to the ex the usual, if there's anything you need,
00:19:48
Speaker
and he actually accepted and said he needed help moving his mother the next day. Which is really weird right after a funeral but maybe finances are weird I don't know. I expressed that I found that to be weird and she agreed but I trust her so she did help him.
00:20:06
Speaker
Maybe a week after that was our two year anniversary and she broke up with me for unrelated issues. I don't know what the unrelated issues were, he doesn't specify them, right? But that night she went to her grandma's house, which was just two blocks away from where she helped them move and said she was just walking around the town. And then I found out that she had been texting her ex all day, every day, 300 plus text messages for that whole week. I also later found out that they were engaged at one point.
00:20:35
Speaker
Oh, right. We ended up resolving the issues that caused us to break up for the day or two and we talked about the whole situation with the ex and how all of that was in my head and worked everything out and got back together. Okay. Not long after that, we found out that she was pregnant and the time conception lines up almost perfectly with the night we broke up and she was walking around town near her ex's house.
00:20:59
Speaker
that she'd been texting for a week. I thought that thought just boiled in my head or inside for two months and finally insecurities got the best of me and I confronted her and told her I wanted a paternity test. I absolutely should have talked to her about it all when it when I first had those thoughts to try to work on and resolve them before a paternity test was even mentioned but I can't change the past now.
00:21:22
Speaker
I tried and tried to explain my reasoning to her, and sometimes she says she understands, but other times she says she is ready to just leave me. I love her to death and have tried explaining to her that I trust her, but that timing is too coincidental for my brain to not think those thoughts.
00:21:37
Speaker
I have seen way too many stories of happy couples where the man finds out their kid isn't his and those stay floating around in my head. I tried explaining that it was a fear that only men could have since she obviously would never question if a kid was hers, so she could never fully understand it.
00:21:53
Speaker
I have some trust issues that I need to have resolved anyway and have agreed to seek therapy for any issues that I have, but I'm having trouble explaining things to her. How can I better explain how I'm feeling in this situation? Is there any way at all to save this?" So it sounds like you do have some trust issues, first of all. I'm not saying they're not on mortgage.
00:22:13
Speaker
tearing him apart in the comments. They're like, if you don't trust her, don't trust your man. This is on you. This is your pathetic little blah blah blah blah blah. And I was like, what are you talking about? The real issue here is that when he said, I want a paternity test because I'm worried about this, she didn't say, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Of course I will do a paternity test for you. Yeah. Because who else's baby could it be? She did not say that. No.
00:22:39
Speaker
Here's my I you know my stance on fraternity tests mandatory. Yeah, man. A lot of people think that yep I think they should be if the states want to vote on it sure what the fuck ever but maybe the father can say he doesn't want to know if he doesn't want
00:22:56
Speaker
And there's lots of couples that are like, no, no, that's sperm baby. We're good, you know? And that's fine. That's totally fine and stuff, right? But I think it should be like when a couple gets there, man, or like just paternity, you have to opt out of the paternity test, I think. That's what I think it should be. It's already on there. I'm gonna choose to opt out. That's what it is.
00:23:16
Speaker
And I can understand her being a little put off by it, for sure. Because it does sound like you don't trust me. But if you have nothing to hide, why is it an issue? That's my thing. People act like that all the time. You just want to look at my phone because you don't trust me. You're giving me reasons not to trust you.
00:23:35
Speaker
You're keeping your phone from me, whether or not there's something in there. Exactly. And all of that's just fishy. Here's the other thing too, okay? If he had this story in a couple of years or whatnot, where he finds out that this baby isn't his, where that baby doesn't look like him, so he doesn't do a paternity test, and then he explains all of this same exact situation, everybody would say, you were stupid for not getting a paternity test when the baby was born. You're stupid, blah, blah, blah. You should have known better, blah, blah, blah. This is him in the midst of knowing better.
00:24:04
Speaker
Kay? And also, what? To me, I don't know. Maybe just because I'm not a person who would ever fucking cheat, but if I was pregnant and Zach said, hey, I want to do a paternity test, sure. That is a little pricey though, babe. Right? Right? Like once the baby is born, like he's presumed to be the father because he's there and they're in a relationship, right? So shouldn't it be up to him if he gets a paternity test and not up to the girlfriend wife?
00:24:31
Speaker
I think so. Because it's his baby too, you know. What it all comes down to is, oh, well, you just don't trust me. I guess not. I don't. Yeah. And like when you were first reading it, like him being like, this is the perfect time, the conception, like.
00:24:48
Speaker
conception could happen a lot of times and there's a pretty big window for when it can happen so like if you hadn't had sex for like two weeks before that oh yeah then yeah you need to be worried two weeks before and two weeks after yeah yeah you'd be real worried also what are these issues that you already broke up exactly what is going on but that's what i'm wondering is it unrelated is was it her just like is it unrelated was it unrelated or was it her just looking for an excuse to break up with you for a time so that she's not cheating on you right and
00:25:16
Speaker
did you look through her text to see what she was saying him about yeah because if it's just actually innocent like oh yeah i'll be over there at three hey did you want me to bring pizza oh we need to you know like whatever shit yeah but if it's like
00:25:31
Speaker
If it's just catching up like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Yeah. Like, oh my gosh. Like, oh, I'm so glad that we, we talked at your dad's trail. Sad reasons why, but I'm so glad I was able to help you and your mom out. Like if it was normal conversations, then you should have no reason to be worried. And X doesn't have to be a threat. No.
00:25:50
Speaker
No, not at all. But it is super suspicious. And for her to be like, yeah, I kind of get it, but no, I don't. That sucks to me. That's so crazy to me. If she was straight, like you said, like, you know what, honey, I completely understand where you're coming from. And while that's not the type of woman, I would never do that to you. I can see how a lot of people would think.
00:26:13
Speaker
like not only that though like what if his family what if her family starts thinking that and stuff like i just like i personally i feel like if tony came to me and said that even with the circumstances that they were adam looks just like you and tony so like yeah but yeah i was gonna say that like if i was pregnant and he came to me and said that i do think my first reaction would be like
00:26:34
Speaker
Yeah, like why would you say that? But if I actually sat back and thought about or he explained like yeah, the time was a little weaker Yeah, I'll be like, okay Shannon. I was gone for a month. You know, like we got pregnant in April Yeah, I was not there for a yeah, exactly exactly. Yeah, it's just like it. Yeah
00:26:54
Speaker
So I can see where she would be like, why? Yeah. But then he's like, if you have nothing to hide. Exactly. Yeah. And I mean, yeah, it's very much like I would also be a little bit offended and stuff because there's no fucking way I'm fucking anyone else. You know, but like, you know, I just so I personally, I probably would be offended. Who? Who? I'm not talking to anybody. No. Are you going to sleep with Eddie? Exactly. No.
00:27:20
Speaker
Yeah. Anyway, your turn. Okay, this one's fun.
Open Marriage Dilemmas
00:27:25
Speaker
My husband is prioritizing his girlfriend over me. What should I do? I started reading this one and then you sent me that and I said, I need to stop.
00:27:37
Speaker
A majority of it, but I don't know how it ends. Okay, so I'm sorry, but like good Yeah, I I saw that you said that I was like, oh cool. And then I was like, oh shit. Oh shit I was like actively reading it because I had it pulled up but then I was working and I was doing other things and so I went back to it and I was like, oh So, yeah, yeah
00:28:04
Speaker
Okay. Okay. A year ago, my husband Marcus and I came to a mutual agreement about opening our marriage. Did you? Which one have you said? Probably you, hun. The spark was mostly gone, which to me doesn't seem like a good idea for bringing in other people. It's my thing, yeah. Is, have you exhausted your resources?
00:28:27
Speaker
Within your relationship? Yeah. Have you started trying to make the two of you a priority? Have you started going out on dates more often and stuff? Have you started? Because it's so easy to get in this little rut of, oh, take care of the kids, make dinner, go to bed and stuff, right? I mean, it's not going to even have kids and we can get in a rut like that sometimes. You just watch your show and you go to bed and you fall asleep on the couch and you do the chores and then you
00:28:48
Speaker
going to bed. Exactly. And I'm like, so there's a lot you just have, you have to, relationships are work. Yeah. People are like, oh, it's just these fun fairy tales and stuff. And like, yeah, maybe when you're first dating, you're in that honeymoon phase where it's just so easy and it's so effortless and like, you know, that goes away really quick when reality sets in and stuff. And people are like, Oh, well that shit, I don't fucking care. Reality has set in since the dawn of fucking time. The cavemen didn't hunt, they didn't eat and they died. Okay.
00:29:14
Speaker
That's all I'm saying, you know, people are like, oh, well, it's just life is so busy nowadays. Life has always been busy. Always. Always. Don't fucking use, oh, will I have to pay bills and whatnot? Like, no. If they weren't hunting, gathering and shit, they starved to death. What are you talking about? There's nothing worse than that. Shut up. Sorry that you had to go to work at 7-Eleven for a couple extra hours today. Sucks a duck, you know, but like,
00:29:39
Speaker
Yeah, it's just it drives me crazy when people say like it's just all this stuff It's just getting in the way and I'm like so you're using you are both choosing to not make each other a priority All the women are doing are bitching that he's not bringing me flowers and all the men are doing is bitching that they're not having sex as much Yeah, so like that's really what it's gonna happen. You make something you have to work
00:30:02
Speaker
I'm not saying my relationship is perfect in any way. You know, I think it's pretty perfect, but I'm not saying that it is, okay? Like there's definitely cracks. I was just complaining to you the other day. You know, we're definitely not perfect, but we work. You two work, right? You work for your relationships. But it's her fault. She probably was like, hey, open the marriage.
00:30:25
Speaker
I bet she said that mutually means I suggested it. Maybe. Yeah. But he went with it. He went with it, I'm sure. So yeah, the spark was mostly gone and we've toyed with the idea of open relationships slash polyamory before. I feel like if the spark is gone,
00:30:42
Speaker
that's more of the time to like do some experimenting that you want to do together not to me insert someone else in the middle of it if the spark's gone and you have actively tried to fix it and it's not working you're done it is time to move on yes there's no reason to stay together no even if it's for the kids or whatnot
00:31:01
Speaker
That's fine. You know what the kids are really gonna love? Two Christmases. Two happy parents. Yep. Two happy parents. And especially like if you, again, if you're so worried about the kids being upset that mom and dad got divorced and everything, that does suck. It really does. And I feel so bad for those kids of divorce. I wouldn't know. I'm a half orphan. So like, wouldn't know. But like...
00:31:24
Speaker
I had the other awful way out, guys. You did. Hold on, side note, hold on. You said half orphan. My brain was like, smush those words together to make it silly, and then I was like, you're a orphan. That's not silly, it's awful. Okay, did you see the TikTok going around and the lady that's talking about the girl whose name is Honesty? And it's spelled H-O-O.
00:31:51
Speaker
apostrophe n-a-s-t-y. How nasty? How nasty. Why? Yup.
00:32:02
Speaker
So real quick, just go in there, we're smashing up words and everything. But to me, I just think that people think they have to stay together when they don't have to. You do. Divorce is an option. Especially if you two get to the understanding where you're just like, we did love each other, and we loved each other very, very much to have these children that we still love very, very much.
Co-parenting Post-Divorce
00:32:25
Speaker
Yep.
00:32:25
Speaker
But you know, we don't love each other like that anymore. We can love each other as friends and we can take a step out. Don't you want to show them a healthy, happy relationship? There's so many relationships out there where people get divorced and they end up just being like still being the best of friends and stuff, right? There's a couple that we've read on here where the ex-husband still brings her flowers on Mother's Day. And they spend still at Christmas together. Yeah, exactly.
00:32:49
Speaker
And they're like, you can make it work. You can make it work. If you start getting with all these other people, they're like, well, I just don't like that you have a relationship with your ex. Why? Why? This is the father of my children. He's gonna be in their lives and my lives for the rest of their lives.
00:33:05
Speaker
They're gonna be 45 years old, I'm gonna be 70 something or whatever, okay? And if they're in the hospital, we are both gonna be in the hospital with him. We are both gonna be like, what's up? What can we do for you? Because we're both gonna fucking be there. Because we are parents. We're parents!
00:33:21
Speaker
There's no, like, oh well once they turn 18 then they're done. No. No. Your parents for the rest of your fucking lives. Yeah. I don't fucking care. If you're good parents. Exactly, yeah. But like, and it drives me insane. If you, especially couples that are showing that they can have a healthy co-parenting relationship and that other partner's like, I don't like it, fuck off then. Yep. Fuck off. You're the bad part of this equation. Exactly. Thank you very much.
00:33:42
Speaker
Yeah, if Zach and I had a kid and we ended up getting divorced, and if it was amicable, you bet your fucking ass, if I were to date anyone else, I doubt I would, but if I were and they for a second were like, I don't like that you're still friends with them, okay, we're done. Because that's not gonna change. It's not, no, exactly. It's not gonna change. So I don't know what you want from me, especially if you come into the relationship with me being like, this is what's going on and stuff. And that's what they need to fucking do. They need to move the fuck along.
00:34:09
Speaker
You should not be trying to fix a marriage by bringing in a third or having an open relationship.
Open Relationships: A Fix or a Flaw?
00:34:16
Speaker
That's like having a baby and hoping it'll fix things. Exactly. Don't fucking do that. Don't fucking do it. It's the same exact thing. Yep. Don't fucking do that. And I'm not an open relationship person. I'm not, not polyamorous in any way. But I feel like that's something that you should go into the relationship knowing. Yeah. That should be part of the basis of like, this is what I'm into. Are you also into that? Let's figure out how to make it work. Yep.
00:34:38
Speaker
not like this is a fun way to experiment yeah no no and for the thing that also drives me crazy but if you feel like i'm not getting sex from my partner so it's fine if i have sex with someone and they go have sex with someone else no
00:34:54
Speaker
That's not good. That's not healthy. That's not okay. That's not helping your bond with your spouse. It's not. And some people, like the people in the poly relationships are like, yeah, that's so great. I'm so happy for them. Why? That's weird. They're not creating a bond between, and I don't care what other people say. Sex is not just sex. No. It can never be. You are creating some kind of bond with that person.
00:35:16
Speaker
You're gonna see them at the grocery store like months later and be like, oh, I remember like fucking you. Like that's like. Yeah. Yeah. I know what your butthole looks like. Like it's just, you know? Yeah. I just. That guy's got weird nips. Yeah. To me, absolutely not. You have a bond with that person. Okay. So if you're so concerned, I'm not getting enough sex from my spouse. I want to get it from somebody else and I'm okay with them getting it from somebody else. Why are we not having sex together? You're done. Yeah, exactly. Why are you not fixing your sexual relationship?
00:35:46
Speaker
Just divorce. Go be a skanky ho-ho, but single. Yeah. Do it. Do it. Yeah. I don't fucking care. I just, it drives me insane. I genuinely, there's not a single person has given me a convincing argument for how a polyamorous relationship works.
00:36:03
Speaker
And they're like, oh, it's fine because they can, no, it doesn't make sense. Kate, why aren't you getting that from the partner that you're with? Oh, well, because they can't, then why are you with them? Well, I like them for these other reasons. So you're picking and choosing. So you can be friends with them and still get those things and have sex with the person that you want to commit yourself to. Exactly. Yeah.
00:36:21
Speaker
They're like, oh, but this person is so good at sex, but I don't want to have relationships. Then you shouldn't be banging them. I don't give a shit. I do not give a shit. Or don't be in a relationship with this person and just be banging them and have it be like a whatever thing. If you're that concerned where you're like, man, I really don't see myself raising kids with them, maybe don't bang them. Anyway.
00:36:42
Speaker
Back to this story, I'm done. Sorry, because I was, I read that part. That's been stewing in my mind. So like, so, okay. Okay. Yeah, sorry. Once we had more in-depth conversations about it and put rules in place, I began downloading dating apps and reaching out to people who expressed interest in me previously. I was going for quick hookups, one night stands, stuff of that nature. If it turned into something more, it did. Diseases, diseases. That's my biggest concern, diseases, like, just,
00:37:11
Speaker
I remember the 90s. I remember the 90s, okay? I was there for that. The AIDS epidemic. It was the AIDS. But not only, you know, if you're gay, man.
00:37:27
Speaker
But then gay men who were, or bisexual men, who were in straight relationships were going out and hooking up with gay men, getting AIDS, coming back sleeping with their spouses, getting AIDS. Or sharing needles and shit because people were doing drugs and everything. Don't do drugs. Don't do drugs. Don't have anonymous gay sex.
00:37:47
Speaker
Just kidding. But like that's where it really was is a lot, because women were getting AIDS and they were like, how am I getting AIDS and stuff? Because I'm not sleeping around. It's because a lot of their partners were going out and either doing drugs or they were having sex with women who have AIDS and they were getting it and they were giving it to their spouses and stuff. That was a big part or women were going out and cheating and getting, you know, that's how it was all happening. To me, I was like, why is everyone just sleeping with everyone? Why is the whole baggery going on?
00:38:14
Speaker
Okay, Marcus, however, was looking for something semi-serious. One partner, rather than multiple, and was trying to date locally but struggled with it. And that's the other thing, is like, if you want, I don't know why, maybe it's just me, but like, her being like, I just need a couple hookups.
00:38:32
Speaker
Seems better than him being like I want a girlfriend on the side That's my thing is that if that's if that because she has an issue with that That's a rule that I would have okay, and that's that would be a deal-breaker as well like hey listen, honey I think we should both have casual hookups. No serious relationships whatsoever one night you come home We're done right and he says that's not something I can do I'd really like to develop a relationship like alright, but that's not something I'm either okay with or we'll tolerate so either
00:39:01
Speaker
um you're okay with just the hookups and no serious relationships or we're done or we're done yeah and we're gonna get divorced and then you can go have a serious relationship and i can go have my hookups exactly and we can shake hands and walk away exactly like that's how mature adults speak yep
00:39:18
Speaker
And I just, but nobody can be a fucking mature adult anymore. I don't read it. No. I suggested he try using a dating app like me and he downloaded an app where he met his current girlfriend Charmee. Charmee is in her second year of law school, graduated summa cum laude. La-ladi. La-ladi. Summa cum laude. That one. Yep. With a BA for her undergrad and has fairly well off parents.
00:39:43
Speaker
I knew all of this because my husband gushed about it to me after he already went on a few dates and was hitting it off with her. Never. No. Never. Not that I'd be in one, but if we did, okay? If that was- Don't tell me. No, you don't fucking tell me shit about that person. And be like, oh my gosh, I went on the best date today? I just want to be like, oh, you were out of the house? Yes, I was. Great. I'm glad to hear it. That you were out of the house for the day.
00:40:07
Speaker
Have a good night. Maybe don't go to the movies on Friday. Yeah. Cool? Okay. Yeah. Cool. Okay? Like that's it. You know? Yeah. I would not want to fucking know a thing. No. Because then I'd stew and be like, why? Why? Even if it was my idea, I'd be like, why am I not good enough? Yeah. Why is it not me? Why is it not this person? Why are you putting all this time and effort into this person when you couldn't put this time and effort into me? Can we read the story? Sorry! Go ahead! Okay. You're getting ahead of it. I'm sorry! I only read part of it. I don't know how it ends. Okay. Sorry. Okay. I was happy for him.
00:40:35
Speaker
their relationship only really annoying me when their plans collided go inside it with mine and i had to cancel my own plans last minute to watch our kids to watch your own children always yeah why are you always canceling he cancels
00:40:51
Speaker
Mmm. Until Marcus would stay up for hours talking to Charmy while in our bed and would only go to the living room to resume their conversation there if I said he was keeping me up or he had to work in the morning. I've seen plenty of receipts for flowers, chocolates, new purses, jewelry and fancy dinners all for Charmy. I didn't read that part. When we've hardly done anything truly special in the past year.
00:41:16
Speaker
Part of our agreement was that we wouldn't totally give up on our marriage and have things like date nights still. If I try to bring it up, Marcus will argue that he's been busy with work and that I don't actually bother to do anything special for us or just walk away from the conversation.
00:41:31
Speaker
hold on hold on let me let me finish let me finish yesterday was my last straw january 31st is our wedding anniversary and i assumed that he would at least stay home with me and the kids like he did last year nope
00:41:46
Speaker
When I went to talk with him about it, he said that he missed Charmy's birthday that was last week due to being super busy at work, and he was too exhausted to go out. That's too fucking bad. He wanted to have a late birthday celebration with her. Not on our anniversary. I want to scream. I would lose my fucking mind. I would go silent, pull out my phone, and start looking for a divorce lawyer right in front of him. Yeah.
00:42:15
Speaker
that would be the absolute final straw. When Tony and I joke about divorce, we'll just go www.divorce.com and it's gotten to the point where we'll just be like, www. It's so fun.
00:42:31
Speaker
I love it. We saw this one TikTok, speaking of divorce, we saw this one TikTok where it was like, it was this happy couple talking about how they're like, do you ever see those like couples that are always constantly, they're like, oh, are you in a real relationship if you're not constantly thinking of divorcing your spouse? And I'm like,
00:42:48
Speaker
That's not healthy. That's not a good thing, right? No, I don't seriously. No, I mean, that's the occasional joke. Yeah. And you have to know the other person's joking, you know? Yeah. And like, um, and so Zach paused the video and he goes, you don't think about divorcing me, do you? And I was like, all the time, all the fucking time. And he goes, about not divorcing me? I was like, yes, that's what it is. I think divorce is not for me. Not in this light, you know?
00:43:14
Speaker
because he was like that about not and it was cute yeah we talk about it all the time but never like today i called him and i was like hey i just had something that i wanted to tell you before i forgot because i know i'm gonna forget and he was like is it about the divorce yes you will be served papers tomorrow right
00:43:31
Speaker
The funniest thing to me is that Zach, it's rarely divorce jokes. We joke occasionally. It's more jokes that he thinks I'm murdering him. So yeah, it's very much just like, I'll bake him eggs or whatever. And I'm like, how are your eggs? And he's like, it was very good. The poison was very good this time. And I'm like, oh, was it? And he's like, yeah. Or sometimes I'll walk up and be like, here you go, honey. Extra ground glass. And he's like, yummy. It's my favorite. Yeah, joking about murder.
00:43:58
Speaker
I think that's the funniest thing to me is that he's like, yeah, no, she'd kill me. Like that's, and I'm like, uh-huh. That's the only way out. Yeah. Yeah. Murder. Murder, or one of us dies. Yeah. Natural causes. So, you know. Speaking of poison, I have to put this out there because it was really cute. So, for the fun, no, no, no. Stop it.
00:44:24
Speaker
It was really cute. So, you know the reference! Okay, so do you remember way back in the day when we would watch YouTube and there was Grace Helbig who would do her cooking things and yeah and she would like test the brownies to make sure they're not poisoned. Oh yes. I do that with Adam's food and so like I'll take him a sandwich with a bite out of it and I'd be like I had to make sure there wasn't poison and he was just like
00:44:47
Speaker
Mom! He hated it for the longest time. The other day he took a bite of something and he was like, yep, no poison, Mom! So cute. It's the best when you pass on things to your child.
Conflict: Prioritizing Girlfriend Over Marriage
00:45:17
Speaker
Mark has argued with me saying we didn't do anything last year so why should it matter if he spends his time somewhere else?
00:45:24
Speaker
You know, right? You're right. You're very right. You're so right. We will never spend another anniversary together. That's so fucking true. You are so correct. You know what? You can enjoy spending her birthday together every year for the rest of forever. And don't worry about mine. Don't fucking worry about the kids. Cause you're probably not going to spend time with them. So I'll just be over here. You'll be gone. Thank you. We'll be divorced and I'll keep the house and you can fuck off.
00:45:51
Speaker
I said that at least he spent his time at home rather than with someone else last year. Yeah? We argued some more before Marcus just walked away from me and went into the guest bedroom. He didn't come out unless it was to interact with the kids and he barely spoke to me if I was around. He went straight to work after making sure the kids had caught their bus and hasn't answered or replied to my phone calls or texts about wanting to talk to him.
00:46:14
Speaker
Okay.
00:46:31
Speaker
He's moving on already. He's moving on. He's done. He doesn't want to spend time with you actively. Doesn't want to spend time with you. And is actively telling you about this other person like you're just a roommate. You need to move out. So you need to just be done so. Kick him out, move out. I don't give a fuck. Get out. Oh my gosh. I talked a lot about through that whole fucking thing, but no. Oh my gosh. Let me make sure.
00:47:00
Speaker
Okay, that's not, I have a screenshot of some comments, but I wanted to make sure it wasn't that story. It wasn't that story. All righty, okay. Here's another long one of mine. Okay, this one's a little bit longer. Okay. Okay. I, 23 male, found out one year into my relationship with 23 female. Oh, found something out one year into my relationship with 23 female.
Dealing with Partner's Past
00:47:25
Speaker
Is it over?
00:47:26
Speaker
I 23 male have been dating my girlfriend 23 female for about a year and a half now. She lived in a house with four of her girlfriends for about three years. The final year was while we were dating. We started off as friends for a few years, but never, oh, I also, I,
00:47:43
Speaker
Me and a lot of commenters think he might be Australian. Okay, because in Australia hookup means like making out Okay, and obviously in America, it doesn't mean that it's so like one time so he says hookup a few times in here But I think he's just meaning make out. Okay, or we're like or just going to hate together. Yeah
00:48:01
Speaker
They didn't go on a date with it, like maybe just hanging out or like, oh yeah, we hooked up at the same place. Like, yeah. So like that's very much what I think he's meaning because he says that they haven't had sex for a while. So I think he's just misusing the term, but a lot of people were like, that's more of an Australian term if you're using it in that context. And so we think he might be Australian. So anyway, we started off as friends for a few years, but never close friends, just mutual in a friend group.
00:48:27
Speaker
We would hook up often whenever we would see each other. No sex, right? Or like see each other out. So no sex, just hookups in a club or bar. And people are like, that's what that means. But I think it's just meeting. Yeah. Be like, oh, hey, we're hanging out and let's have a drink together. That's what I really think it is.
00:48:43
Speaker
A month before taking her out on our first date, I hooked up with her at a friend's birthday party. This was followed by a few weeks of, I'm just gonna say hung out. This was followed by a few weeks of talking over the phone, flirting, what we would normally do when we would speak over the entire friendship.
00:49:00
Speaker
There was always mutual liking to one another. Eventually I asked her out for a coffee date, which was our first date, which went well to my knowledge. On the date she invited me out that evening, but I was in the middle of exams and declined. I gave her a kiss goodbye and I could tell she genuinely liked me. In the past I've asked her about our first date and she told me she had butterflies after that kiss.
00:49:22
Speaker
Anyways, that's the backstory of our first date. Come about four months ago, we were going through, come about too, sounds very like, you know. So British or Australian. We were going through her phone together looking at old messages. I don't know why. And I asked to see what she said to her friends after our first date. I don't think I have messages like that from a year ago. If I do, they're so far back in the ether. Like you and I talk how many times?
00:49:50
Speaker
In our conversations today, I had to scroll quite a bit to see the screenshots you sent me of just these. Yeah, we talk a lot. We talk a lot. I talk to the girls a lot, to Wendy and Shelly's all the time. I talk to my sisters a lot. I talk to Zach a lot. I have to like search in conversation if I'm going to find anything. Yup. Yeah.
00:50:09
Speaker
So I don't even know how she would have these, but whatever. We find a message to one of her friends saying the date went well, and then she scrolls down. The message reads, I had sex with so-and-so last night and it was so good. X was not, or so-and-so is not me. And last night being the night of our first date.
00:50:29
Speaker
Man, it really hurt me after reading that. That feeling when your stomach drops and you just feel sick. I obviously explained why it hurt, because this was the night of our first date, and she explained to me that she's not the girl she used to be. She didn't know I was a really good guy, one that would treat her so well. She said that after moving into the house with her new friends, she felt left out as she had never had sex.
00:50:55
Speaker
She says that she was pressured to fit in because all of the girlfriends were actively having sex. I understand that every girl has her past. This is not her issue. This is a me issue. We weren't dating. She did nothing wrong. But this doesn't align with my own values. I have always tried my best to never mess around people.
00:51:15
Speaker
or mess people around. So yeah, I think it's he's British or something. So sex was also never a top priority for me. My guy friends had a lot of sex. I also used to feel pressured to have sex, but I never went around sleeping with whoever and whenever. I've only slept with five girls and she's been with 13 guys as some background.
00:51:33
Speaker
I asked if there was anyone else after the night of our first coffee date, and there was. Between our first date and our first time being intimate about a month later, she had sex with two guys, the coffee guy and the other guy. I've been trying to accept her past a few months, but the same questions keep coming up. Why did she not turn to me slash pursue me after our first date? Was I the third choice? Is it possible for someone to have been so pressured by her friends that she slept with 13 guys in two years?
00:52:03
Speaker
Surely people only do that when they want to and she was having fun. Was her saying I was pressured just an excuse to make me feel better? Why did she not tell me that she had been with these guys instead of me having to find out? Is it normal to disclose? And he just says that it was his first relationship and he feels that it was something he deserved to be told. And the last question I ask, I have answered myself if she did tell me and I did know that she had been sleeping with other guys after our first date. Would I have asked her to be my girlfriend?
00:52:33
Speaker
The answer is no. I would have told her I was not someone's second choice, staying true to my own values. This is the one that confuses me the most even though I have an answer for it. This girl treats me like a king. She is always there for me. She is supportive, understanding, generous, and caring. All the qualities I look for in a partner.
00:52:51
Speaker
I think the main emotion I am feeling is scared. This is my first real relationship and hers too. The way that she currently tells and shows me how much she loves me makes me feel sad because I have these lingering thoughts in the back of my head. It makes my I love you twos feel fake.
00:53:09
Speaker
I have developed a sense of resentment towards her past. This is the girl I thought I was going to marry. The thought of breaking her heart brings me to tears. She is so precious. I can't do it to her because she doesn't deserve it, but she also doesn't deserve someone who doesn't fully accept her for who she is. The thought of breaking up is also scary. Our family and friends are close. Am I too far in my thoughts to stop resenting her past?
00:53:32
Speaker
Are my thoughts slash values silly? I don't know. I feel like I'm on a seesaw going back and forth, being extremely happy and extremely sad. I'm all ears for some thoughts on the situation. I think they need to go to couples counseling and figure it out because it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. No. Well, to me, though, like I I can see where he's coming from. Absolutely. I don't know. But to me, that's also like if I was interested in someone, I'm not talking to anybody else.
00:53:59
Speaker
You know? They've only been on one date. Sure, one date. So I can't be mad about the coffee guy. That's the coffee guy, you know? But like, I don't know, but at the same time, I'm not the type of person that if I'm interested in one person, I'm just going to go like sleep with somebody else at the same time. Yeah, but a lot of people do. Sure. A lot of people date around and whatever. But after they'd been dating, like they were dating for almost a month before they had sex for the first time. So like, were they, that's my question. Were they actively going on dates? Because if they were and she slept with another guy, that's kind of scummy.
00:54:29
Speaker
It depends on how serious they both discussed it, you know, like how they understood it. I think of like, you know, obviously like Sex and the City isn't totally realistic, but I feel like there's a lot of people who do date around and sleep around and they're with multiple guys and like that's just the life they lead. Yeah, but I'm like, but is that the life you're disclosing to people? True.
00:54:52
Speaker
Because if I was going out with someone, or going on dates with someone, and I was thinking this is the person that I'm dating, I'm actively going on dates with this person, I'm being loyal to them and only to them, but they're going around sleeping with other people and were not telling me that they were like, hey, I'm enjoying going on dates with you, I am going on dates with other people too.
00:55:14
Speaker
If that was- Okay, but I think we don't have enough information because- Yeah, about that part. She slept with this guy once and this guy once in that month. That's not, I mean, it is a lot, but it's not a lot. It's not a lot, no. But I get where he's coming from, but I get where she's coming from at the same time. But again, to me, it feels a little scummy that it wasn't disclosed. But if they were slipping one night stand things,
00:55:42
Speaker
then, you know, this person who's not your boyfriend yet, he'd be like, oh, by the way, I had sex with this guy. It's kind of weird. Yeah, but like, I mean, I guess if she had just gone into being like, oh, yeah, I've been on a date with a few guys and stuff, and I'm still dating around, see what I like and stuff. And he was like, yeah, sounds good to me. That's cool. That's fine. Yeah. You know, but like, if I just think that it's just communication when it really comes down to
00:56:04
Speaker
So, like, I totally get also just being like, oh, hey, I hooked up with this guy, by the way. Like, that's weird. But at the same time, like, I think you should be telling people, like, hey, by the way, I'm not exclusive with you. Are you wanting to be exclusive? Because if we are, then I will need to become exclusive with you. But if you're not... And if she hasn't done anything since you asked her to be your girlfriend...
00:56:24
Speaker
then maybe we shouldn't be letting that bother you. And all these people in the comments were like, what do you care that she slept with 13 guys? He's like, that's not what I'm worried about. I don't care about the 13 guys. I mean, it seems like a tiny bit. Maybe. But he's like, I don't care about her past. He's like, she was sleeping with people before I knew her. That's not what I have a problem with. My problem is we went on a date. She slept with a guy. We went on more dates. She slept with another guy. We then started dating officially and stuff.
00:56:49
Speaker
And I'm like, which I don't know, to me at the same time, like if you're actively going on dates with one person with the intent to date them, that's the person you should want to be dating. I don't know. I just feel like it was a little scummy of her not to tell. He's got, he's too up in his feelings over this. It's something he needs to get over. If he wants to continue being in a relationship with her, you know? If she's been perfectly loyal otherwise. That's the thing. I feel like he is focusing too much on the past and not enough of like,
00:57:18
Speaker
I don't think he cares about the other 11 guys. I think he cares about the two right there. Right. I don't think he cares about anybody else. I don't think that's true. That may be a pain, but he's literally, he's talking over and over again about like these two guys, you know? So like, like that's who I would be concerned about as well. I don't care about those guys as before we barely even knew each other, you know? So like, but this,
00:57:37
Speaker
but he keeps bringing it up and like well she slept with all these guys so is she really feeling pressured or is she a hoe bag yeah but she's obviously not still a hoe bag she's treating you like a king your relationship has been fine yeah so yeah no i absolutely agree he he needs to get out of his feelings he needs to grow the fuck up with that and they just need to talk you know but um he clearly has been doing on this for two months so he needs to talk to somebody yeah he needs to talk to some kind of therapist i think they should go to a counselor oh yeah they should because like
00:58:05
Speaker
they can just talk it out and explain their feelings and hopefully come to you know some kind of agreement oh yeah because i don't know i just i think it would be helpful to know what the extent of that month was exactly yeah like what was it like we went on three dates and then you were like well maybe we should be official yeah or were you literally hanging out all the time except for when she was banging these guys yeah exactly there's a difference yeah
00:58:30
Speaker
Well, to me though, that is a tiny, the other thing is that she said, hey, I really like you on this coffee date. Do you want to come over tonight? And he says, I can't, I have exams I have to study for. She goes, okay, I'm just going to go get my rocks off with this other random guy. To me, that's just a little scummy, you know?
00:58:48
Speaker
But I have to say, I also understand where she's coming from because she's like, oh, he turned me down. Maybe this isn't going to be anything serious. Like I'm not going to be exclusive to this guy that it might not be anything serious. I get it. But at the same time, I don't know. I guess I'm just the type of person, if I'm starting to like someone, I got butterflies from kissing them. I'm not going to be talking to anybody else for a while until I know that this isn't serious.
00:59:10
Speaker
And then if I'm like, eh, I'm wasting my time, bye. You're also not the kind of person to be going having one night stands anyway. This is true. That's clone Alyssa's job. Yeah. So if I had clone Alyssa, she'd be getting all the tattoos, banging all the dudes and doing all the drugs. Yeah. So, yeah. But you are not that person. Not me. So,
Resolving Relationship Issues through Communication
00:59:28
Speaker
yeah. Yeah. I think it's kind of hard to.
00:59:31
Speaker
To tell yeah, exactly. No, I agree. I feel like there's things being left out. How serious were you guys dating throughout that month and You know, but and if it was like an 11 a.m Coffee date and then you're like, okay, I gotta go we can't hang out tonight and then things happen before 8 o'clock at night You know what? I mean? Like yeah, it's not great And that's the other thing too to me. Is that like was it coffee date guy and then three days later another guy? Yeah
00:59:55
Speaker
I mean, not coffee date guy, cause you're a coffee date guy, but like guy after coffee date guy, you know? And then like three days later, other guy, and then she didn't sleep with anyone else after that because you started hanging out a lot more. That makes sense. If you guys had gone on six or seven dates and then she slept with this other guy, that's scummy. That's, you know, but like to me, it's more of that. She just didn't disclose it till a year and a half later. That's weird. Maybe it was something where it was like, that was a one-time thing. We're just gonna sweep that under the rug.
01:00:24
Speaker
But I don't know, that's just still not honest to me. So, I don't know. I mean, he says that he's not the one sleeping around and whatnot, but that's not like, he doesn't have to be, you know? And she can do whatever she wants if she's not in a relationship, sure. But if this is someone that you are actively interested in and you are actively going on dates with and you're still sleeping with other people, it's kind of scummy. That was my other thought too, was he like was saying like, was I not good enough? Why didn't she come to me? But if she knew the kind of person he was,
01:00:52
Speaker
then or like if they were still beginning to date but she knew that he wasn't the type to just have one night stands then she probably wasn't gonna be like yeah so we should definitely hook up yeah you know like in the first two weeks of dating yeah even though they've i don't know they've known each other for a long time but yeah but still maybe that's what it was is that she knew he wasn't a hookup guy and stuff and she was like we're not dating seriously so i don't care like you know
01:01:17
Speaker
But I don't know. It's all weird. I don't like hookup culture either way. Yeah. So because again, the diseases. Yeah, I don't. I don't.
01:01:26
Speaker
um i have a super short one or i have one that's a little more fun but it's only a tiny bit longer it's like maybe two paragraphs longer so okay do you want to pick that one you don't want me to read them yeah go ahead sorry um my girlfriend found out i was taking one for the team when we first met um i didn't it's an okay okay my ex-husband wants me to be a surrogate for him and his girlfriend that one that one yes okay that one
Unusual Surrogacy Request
01:01:55
Speaker
My 30 female, ex-husband 36M, wants me to be a surrogate for him and his girlfriend because her body is too perfect to ruin. Are you in a restraining order? Yes. A few months ago I made a post about my ex-husband. Since then we've had little to no communication except through a third party because we have a daughter together.
01:02:16
Speaker
He does absolutely nothing for her. He asked for full custody because he didn't want to pay child support. I finally got him to agree to supervised visits and zero child support. The last three months I haven't spoken a word to him and he hasn't seen our daughter. That kills me. That's the worst. But recently he's been telling me that his hot 18 year old girlfriend
01:02:40
Speaker
telling but recently he's been telling but his hot 18 year old girlfriend about i don't know probably about um he is the reason he the reason why he told me is because we agreed to tell each other about our relationships since the person would interact with our daughter makes sense but he's always accidentally sending me nudes of bikini pictures of her why are you why
01:03:09
Speaker
I'd fucking block him. Or accidentally sending me messages meant for her. The other day he told me he wants to have a baby with her. He's irresponsible and she's immature so they would make horrible parents. But he wants me to carry their child. Why? Because her teenage body is so hot and sexy and I'm old and used.
01:03:30
Speaker
I have no idea why he would even ask me. Why is he telling me about her body? Why does he want me involved in any sort of way? It's all so weird. Restraining order. I absolutely would. I would go get a restraining order. I'd be like, he's harassing me with this. I would also then say like, no, I don't want him to have any supervision because this is what he's trying to do with a girl who's barely legal. Barely. I now want child support. Yeah. What point is this grooming?
01:03:56
Speaker
I know we throw that word around a lot nowadays, but you're 36. Yeah, that's weird. You were. That's weird. That's grody. That's twice her age. Oh, I didn't even do the math. Oh my gosh, because I'm bad at it. Anyway. Someone's just awful. I don't like that. I'd get a restraining order. I absolutely would. Because he's sending you all these pictures. That is harassment. Yeah. That is. Oh, I'm just accidentally sending you bikini pictures. Well, then stop. Yeah.
01:04:23
Speaker
you need to be check your shit yeah check your shit check who you're who are you sending those to exactly who are you meaning to the other husband to the other husband from your first story oh my god you're not on snapchat bro we've come full circle yeah
01:04:42
Speaker
What the hell? Okay. I haven't read this one through all
Handling a Dismissive Partner
01:04:46
Speaker
the way. I saw it. I was just like, oh, I just want to be excited at the same time. Okay. My 24 female boyfriend, 27 male says you're acting like a child constantly. Okay. Okay.
01:04:58
Speaker
I've lived with my boyfriend for two months, and we've been dating for a year. My main issue is that when he is unhappy with me, he says I'm acting childish. He is probably right to some extent, and I would like to improve myself, but that is the limit of discussion we will have, meaning when I try to discuss any problems between us, he says one of two things. One, stop acting like a child slash be an adult, or you're just like your mom. Oh, God.
01:05:27
Speaker
Now, the second one doesn't sound too bad until you understand that he had to work with my mom for a couple of years. He is a cop and she was his dispatcher and he strongly dislikes her. He has told me in depth the issues that he has with her personality and ability to dispatch. So, every time he says, you're acting like your mom or you're just like your mom, it's an absolute insult coming from him. Oh, nice. He will not have any further discussions about our issues other than saying those two things.
01:05:56
Speaker
He even quickly puts on his own childish act by going, you want to argue? You want to argue? Okay, let's just break up. Let's break up. Fuck this guy. He knows I will not leave. Why? Why? I'm just as... I will leave for you. Yeah. Let's go, girl. I'll come pack up your shit. Let's go. Last time I threatened to break up with him, I started packing my stuff, then gave up and broke down crying within 10 minutes.
01:06:23
Speaker
You are being abused. You are whipped. Yeah. I don't even have the balls to leave. I love my mom and I used to live with her. She lives like 15 minutes away and would welcome me back in a heartbeat. Lame! A place to live is not the issue here. The issue is that I don't feel like he can tolerate any personal or relationship issues. The blame always falls entirely on me and he is unwilling to discuss anything. It's very frustrating.
Cohabitation Challenges
01:06:47
Speaker
How is that your fault? Right. Does anyone have any insight or advice? I've never lived with my partner before. I want to make this work, but sometimes I just want to run away as well. Let me know if you need further context. Thanks. I'm scared for that girl and I want to go find that post again and oh my gosh. It did not be that hard. No. The little things, like who's going to do the chores? Why do you leave your socks all over the place? Those are the hard things when you move in together.
01:07:14
Speaker
Oh yeah. Your relationship should not get worse. No. In that way. No. Because you move in together. It is hard. Like we've mentioned, relationships are really hard. Yeah. They really can be. There's lots of things. It's just little tiny things and stuff. Yeah. You learn all new things when you move in with somebody.
Identifying and Leaving Toxic Relationships
01:07:31
Speaker
Exactly. But if someone is unwilling to have any kind of a discussion with you and constantly berates you and insults you at any turn. No. And it can never be their fault. Nope.
01:07:42
Speaker
That's not a good relationship babe. No, she needs to get out and start therapy because she is in a codependent relationship and an abusive relationship and it is not good and the fact that she can't see that and cannot get out, it's terrifying. Refuses to get out, that's what it is. Refuses to get out. She has, like you, she has her mother to live with and she knows it. She has support. She has support. That's what, sorry, I got my phone in my pocket. Her mother.
01:08:11
Speaker
um but that's what it is she has her mother she has people she has places to go she knows that she can go somewhere yeah so get out there's no reason for you to be like well maybe it's just hard because it's hard no i don't care it doesn't have to be does it have to be no no
01:08:30
Speaker
Relationships are hard, but they should not be difficult. No. You don't need to choose to stay in that relationship. No. Because guess what? If he loved you, he wouldn't act like that. No. And everybody, they say things when they're angry. People do. But again and again and again and again and again? Yeah. How many fights are you getting in? Exactly. How much are you irritating him? You live together for two months. Yeah. How many times is he calling you childish? How many times is he insulting you by saying, I don't like your mom? Yeah. And that's another thing.
01:08:58
Speaker
you don't like my mom yeah like fuck off like this you know everyone's like oh my in-laws but like if you don't have a relationship with them yep and if your partner wants to have a relationship with their parents and you actively don't like them yep that's probably gonna be an issue and like yeah there's lots of times that you can have like one where you're just like she just kind of drives me crazy she yeah she like says she doesn't like this about me and doesn't like this about me whatever you know there but
Freedom of Choice in Relationships
01:09:25
Speaker
i don't like you because you're kind of well i don't think you're very good at your job job yeah fuck off yeah fuck off and like the whole like sorry oh no just really quick the thing where he was like oh you want to fight you want to break up let's just break up okay yep i will actually let's go how flippant you are and how much you care about this you're the child you're acting like a child yeah
01:09:47
Speaker
You don't throw that around unless you mean it. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway, guys. That's our relationship advice.
01:09:56
Speaker
Mostly we screaming about Paulie relationships, you know? Yeah. So that's your advice. Yeah. They can follow it if they want. True. If they don't want to, then that's fine. Exactly. They can do what you want. You can know what you want. Yeah. I know. You are a grown adult. You can do whatever you want. That's totally fine. I'm not... I'll judge you a little bit, but at the same time, does my opinion really fucking matter? If you're happy, you're happy. Just keep it to yourself and we won't judge you. Yeah. Because we can't. We're not gonna judge. Yeah. It's no fun. Yeah. Anyway...
01:10:25
Speaker
See you guys next time. Have a great time.
Engaging with the Podcast and Platforms
01:10:28
Speaker
Thank you guys for listening to this week's episode. Let us know what you think by commenting on Instagram and TikTok or emailing us at bmoviebashpodcast at gmail.com. You can listen to our episodes on all of your favorite podcast platforms, including Spotify, Apple podcasts, Amazon music, and so many more. If you want to support the podcast, you can find our Ko-fi donation link in the episode description.
01:10:50
Speaker
or check out one of our awesome sponsors. And as always, make sure to like, subscribe and tell your friends.
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01:10:57
Speaker
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