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Jack and Jill: The Hills of Hell | B-MOVIE BASH! | #JY S3E31
65 Plays1 year ago
"After searching for her missing daughter, a lady and her search party discover the legend behind the murderous pair of Jack and Jill..."
Well...here it is...the sequel that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ASKED FOR.
You're welcome.
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Transcript
Eco-Conscious Personal Care Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
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Wild Deodorant Features
00:00:11
Speaker
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Sustainable Design and Personalization
00:00:19
Speaker
Wild is actually made with bamboo, seriously what can't bamboo do at this point, and ingredients that you'll recognize like shea butter and baking soda.
00:00:27
Speaker
My favorite part about Wild is the fully sustainable design. When you first order your deodorant, you'll get to pick out a cute aluminum case, and after that, you order refills to go inside. I have the aqua colored case right
Scent Options and Discount Offer
00:00:39
Speaker
now. For those of you who know me personally, of course I chose the aqua case, but they have a ton of different colors you can choose from.
00:00:45
Speaker
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00:01:02
Speaker
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00:01:33
Speaker
Hello everybody.
Host Introductions and Banter
00:01:34
Speaker
Hello. My name is Shannon. I won't shut the fuck up Alyssa. You're going to have to shut the fuck up because.
00:01:46
Speaker
because this is hashtag judging you. And the whole point of me saying that was I watched a movie and so it's a baby movie bash. I don't know what that one was. The energy is all over the place. I'm using a lot of it already guys. It's all good. It's all good. It's all good. It's all good.
00:02:06
Speaker
it's good though i mean that's what you said yeah it's good yeah i'm also agreeing that it's good okay because this movie is so fucking boring is it oh no it's so boring no my friend my dear i'm scared to watch the third one do you want to take the first half and i'll take the second half or you want to do it the other way i like doing the first time okay yeah sounds good so that'd be
00:02:27
Speaker
I do love coming in having no knowledge of anything. You're so good at being like, what the fuck is happening?
Movie Commentary Approach
00:02:33
Speaker
I go in with animosity immediately. I'm like, here's the setup. And you're like, let me rip it to shreds. I go, the fuck is this person? I do. I really do love going in being like, I don't know what the fuck we're watching. I hate that. I just feel so lost. So.
00:02:48
Speaker
Which is so funny because that's technically what's happening every time we start a movie. True. But you have the expectation of watching it to the end. Yeah. Mind blown. But I do have a couple of jokes before the final punchline.
00:03:05
Speaker
Let me find a good one. Okay, I'm gonna eat this. Please do. Please do. Let's see. What did Batman say to Robin right before they got in the Batmobile? I don't know. Robin, get in the Batmobile. Oh, this one's fun. I like this one. I told Eddie the hippo one. Oh yeah. He thought that was pretty funny. Good, good. I was laughing so hard. I like the hippo one. What is the dumbest animal in the jungle? Me.
00:03:36
Speaker
I don't go in the jungle, you're right. I'm suburbia. The polar bear. That one took me a second when I first read it. I was like, why is he dumb? Why? Okay, I'll do one more.
00:03:57
Speaker
This is like a fake ass laugh.
Humorous Everyday Annoyances
00:04:03
Speaker
That might fake ass laugh sound like this. That's literally what you just did. No, it's different. No. Everyone is different. Tell me it's different. Sounded like a fake ass laugh.
00:04:13
Speaker
My anoid is... Oh, I know. So I have to guess when they're like, oh, sign your green and no pets, no smoking. I mean, I can't bring in my smoking pet. I'm like, sign it. 50th person to say that to me today. Oh, did you hear that, honey? It means you can't go in the room. Sign it.
00:04:46
Speaker
Sign it. Sign your fucking name. Right there. Right? Oh, if I don't sign a green, does this mean I can smoke in the room? No, it means you can't go in. Yep. Sign it there. It just stinks. People suck. People do suck. I just, oh my gosh. They'll look at their kids. Oh, you can't smoke in the room. I'm like, ha ha. Sign it.
00:05:05
Speaker
Okay,
Anecdotal Bank Interactions
00:05:06
Speaker
last one. A little story for you. Okay. So I went to the bank today and there was this little old lady that was like, can you help me check my balance? And so I pushed her over. Okay, anyway. That was so visual.
00:05:32
Speaker
I was thinking at that time when I went to the bank together. I thought we were gay. That was good. That was a good one. Okay, all right everyone. Sorry about that. Are you really friends if people don't think you're gay? Right? No. I mean, you're doing things wrong. Yeah. Okay. Luckily, I don't have a ton of notes. Okay. So, let's get through this. Is it so boring?
00:05:59
Speaker
That's the worst is that when I'm like, I have no notes because nothing happened. I was just skipping over cinematic like, oh, and they're going up the stairs and again and again and up the stairs and like, yeah. So hooray. Some of that. All right. So if you hadn't caught on, but you did because you clicked on this, which means it has a title. Yeah. Gosh, guys. Critical thinking skills, please.
00:06:28
Speaker
Sorry, everyone. We love you. I got some weird energy. I'm very hostile today. Hey, if you can pick this apart, please do because I was so like, and then they did this, and then they did this. It's so stupid.
00:06:46
Speaker
I'm excited. But I have a couple things to touch on.
Movie Continuity Error Discussion
00:06:49
Speaker
Okay. As we go. Okay. Like I told you. Oh, yes. Yes. I had a revelation. Beverly. Doesn't make sense. Okay. But we'll look at them. Like it doesn't make sense with the first movie or the first movie doesn't make sense because like they're retconning something. So like something happens in this movie. And I was like, Oh, but then I went and checked back with the first movie because I didn't watch it. I watched it. Yeah. And I was like, this doesn't make sense. Okay. Because it doesn't happen in the first movie.
00:07:15
Speaker
What they say it does? So they're retconning. Kind of. I fucking hate retcon. Yeah. So I'll explain that as we go because I have, I did a lot of like notes to myself. So like I was taking notes and then I was like, fuck this guy. You know, that kind of stuff like we do. But I like made comments about this thing as the story was unfolding. Okay. So I'm going to read it as I wrote it. Okay. I'm excited.
'Jack and Jill to the Hills of Hell' Plot Analysis
00:07:38
Speaker
Okay. So as promised, I did watch Jack and Jill to the Hills of Hell.
00:07:46
Speaker
So this one has a 2.5. Ooh. Came out in 2022. All right, all right. Okay, the synopsis is, after searching for her missing daughter, a lady. I don't know why it doesn't say her name. Why is that the funniest thing I've seen? She's a lady. A lady.
00:08:09
Speaker
Forgot that's what it was called.
00:08:28
Speaker
Oh no. A lady and her search party discover the legend behind the murderous pair of Jack and Jill. We discovered them. A lady.
00:08:42
Speaker
okay i was afraid this was gonna be a lame episode and now i'm excited i have the giggles
00:09:09
Speaker
You guys are out. Tea and crumpets.
00:09:27
Speaker
Every time that the tea is across the street.
00:09:35
Speaker
It's so funny. Oh God. Okay. Okay. This is one of people laugh at us. It's just us. I'm just like, shut the fuck up. Skip 30 seconds.
00:10:01
Speaker
Okay, so we open with a car driving down a dark road There's three people in the car. There's two girls named Emma and Steph and a guy don't know his name Okay, I think they might have said it didn't hear it
00:10:22
Speaker
Because one of them is British and the other two are like German. Okay. So it was a weird accent mix, but they're like in their 20s. They're talking about how excited they are to go to this concert that they're going to and the girls like I had to wait in line for two hours to get these tickets and it's gonna be such a good show and the girls complain that the guy driving isn't going fast enough and he's like I'm going the speed limit like calm down and they're like can't you go a little faster? Like just a little bit more and he's like okay.
00:10:52
Speaker
I apologize for that. So, yeah, they just keep giving him shit until he speeds up. And then they're driving and a little bit further down the road, they turn the music up. They're like, oh, I love the song. They turn the music up because they're listening to the band that they're going to go see. Right, you pre-game me, yeah. Yeah. And it's just so funny because she's like, yeah, turn it up. She turns it up, music cranks, and they're all just kind of like, just like the smallest amount of bop you've ever seen. It was so awkward.
00:11:19
Speaker
Like I get it because like more often than not they don't have actual music playing in the movie so it doesn't like record over their like their own microphones and shit but I'm like you could at least like do something yeah they were like yeah music your car's not even moving just go
00:11:36
Speaker
So, so yeah, so they're listening, they're jamming, barely to the music. And all of a sudden the guy slams on the brakes and stops the car. And they say like, oh, did you hit something? And he's like, yeah, it sounded like it, but like, we didn't know. Okay. No. Right.
00:11:53
Speaker
So he slams on the brakes. The car will not start back up. Of course. Yeah, right? I guess Jack and Jill can just do that. Like, listen, listen. I get the paranormal shit with that, you know? I get it. Ever so slightly I understand it because it's obviously like, I'm messing with your, your, your vehicles and stuff. Yeah. A normal fucking person. Yeah, what are they doing? They're nothing. Is your car really that shitty? Did they send a squirrel out into the road? Right? Or like...
00:12:18
Speaker
don't know I don't know but he gets out and he lifts up the hood and looks for you know two seconds rightly do people even know what they're looking for no no no yeah he looks for two seconds closes the hood comes back in and goes are you okay is everyone okay you stop you didn't get an arrest yeah I know stop the car stop the car and they're like what's wrong with the car and he was like it's absolutely fucked and they're like
00:12:44
Speaker
Okay. It was weird. And he says that they, you know, they ran over something and they're kind of just talking about how they're not going to make it to the concert now. Maybe we can call somebody to, you know, take us out there and we can still make it in time. When Steph goes, wait a minute, did you see something? Like, what was that? And Emma's like, don't be stupid. We're alone out here. It was probably just a deer. Is Emma the German one? Yes. Okay. I was going to say, cause if she was British, she'd said shh.
00:13:09
Speaker
Stupid. Stupid. Don't be stupid. No, I hate men. Every time they say that in Harry Potter, I want to like... Stupid. Don't be stupid, Ronald.
00:13:23
Speaker
I get it I get it I get it but let's stop it let's stop it yeah anyways okay so it's probably just a deer but then of course we see Jack and Jill who walk into the headlight lights holding a bloody axe that is already dripping with blood okay
00:13:42
Speaker
So they all get out of the car and the guy suggests walking back down the road a little ways because there were a couple houses and Steph says that she can stay with the car in case somebody comes down comes by she can like flag them down and he and Emma can walk down the road and at first they're like no it's not such a good idea and she's like it's fine.
00:14:02
Speaker
So they head off down the road and Steph sits in the car to wait because she hears some some noises going on outside the car and so she's kind of like looking around and then she hears footsteps run past the car. Okay. And from inside the car she's like, hello!
00:14:17
Speaker
Is anyone there? Hello, right for me inside the car my okay my thing real quick with that because I know a lot of people for a long time would be like oh You'd be that person in the horror movie that like hears the noise and goes hello Is anyone there like they're expecting the killer to respond to them or something? I'm like no you're expecting a normal fucking person to respond
00:14:37
Speaker
be like, Oh, hey, it's me. Yeah. Cause like, that's why I'm yelling out. If I thought there's no way, I am absolutely home alone. There's no other person this could possibly be. I would immediately go, I need to call the police. I need to do something else, right? I'm not going to call out and be like, hello.
00:14:52
Speaker
Most of the horror movies though, these people are with other people, they're with their friends, they're in places that people would be and stuff, so they'll go, hello? You're walking down the street and you hear something behind you, you turn on, you go, hello? A normal person will go, oh, sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Someone who does not mean you will or ill intent will just go, oh, hi, sorry, my God.
00:15:14
Speaker
Didn't mean to startle you, like, yeah. It makes sense in some scenarios. Yeah, and I'm like, you're home. You hear a noise downstairs. We know there's a killer in the house, but Dorsey doesn't know there's a killer in the house. Is my husband home alone? Yeah, she goes, because we just watched the killer murder her husband in the garage. So she thinks, oh, honey.
00:15:32
Speaker
You home? Hello? Yeah. Maybe I'm just hearing things and stuff, you know, like, and everyone's like, why are you calling out and letting the killer know where you are? Because they don't know there is a fucking killer. Yeah. You shut your fucking mouth. I'm done with people and they're bullshit. Think about it for a second. People are like, oh, then we never survive. I'm like, no, you wouldn't. No, you fucking wouldn't. The killer wants you dead. You're going to die. Yeah. Okay. That's just what's going to happen. Okay.
00:16:00
Speaker
So anyway, okay, but mm-hmm inside a car where more than likely people can't hear you and you are alone No, I would be like slumped in like don't like don't lock doors Yeah, but she doesn't and she doesn't get an answer because obviously she doesn't because she's speaking through a window Yeah, like a closed window. Uh-huh. Anyway, so she gets out like a dumbass. Mm-hmm
00:16:22
Speaker
And she sees Jack standing a little bit further down the road. But he's backlit, so it's just like silhouette of Jack, right? I don't know how he's backlit. Because it's dark out. And it's from behind, as if it was like headlights. But there's no other cars on the road. There's no street lights. There's nothing.
00:16:43
Speaker
So she's like, hi, can you help us? Like our car broke down and we're kind of stuck here. Hello. Hello. And he just stands there like a silent creeper. Because you would ask that of a normal person. Yeah. So she's just like, and he brings his hand down from behind his back and she can see the ax in his hand. So she's like, shit. And so she runs back to the car and she tries to get in, but the doors are locked, of course.
00:17:12
Speaker
because he probably didn't leave the keys with her. So... No, he did. Oh, he did? Yeah. Oh. But they must be inside the car. Okay. That's fine. Yeah. Okay. But she, she got out of the car. So one of the doors should be unlocked. Yeah. Okay. But anyway. Yeah. Unless it automatically locks and then the Brits are weird. Yeah. So. True. Yeah. But he chases after her with the axe and he takes her out.
00:17:31
Speaker
girl yeah so further down the road Emma and the guy hear Steph scream and they kind of look around for a second and he's like that sounded like Steph and Emma's like no it couldn't be it must have been a fox I mean I know they scream but like like people should know what a human scream yeah it's like like
00:17:49
Speaker
And it doesn't really matter, because they're like, but we should go check anyway. Yeah. Why don't I just go? Yeah. Be like, oh, man. Be like, oh, maybe it was a fox, but come on. Like, it just, you know. Or why do you even need to say that? Like, just go. Yeah. Just be like, Steph? Yeah. And run. But anyway.
00:18:06
Speaker
So they head back and as they're walking, they come upon a little huddled mass of a girl crying in the bushes. She's good at that. Yeah, she's real good at that. And Emma sees her and goes over to her and is like, hello, are you okay? Are you hurt? And the guy is like, Emma, I don't like this. Like this is not, I don't get good vibes from this. And she was like, maybe that's who we heard scream. Like maybe she needs help, maybe she's hurt. And so she keeps trying to talk to her.
00:18:33
Speaker
And Jill starts humming her dumb, dumb song. And the guy just keeps saying that he doesn't like what's going on when suddenly Jill lunges at Emma and stabs her so many times. It was just like, like, she's like,
00:18:51
Speaker
I don't know an extraordinaire. Yeah, so she does that and oh it was so I don't know the guy is watching this happen, and he just goes fuck shit What shit instead of helping her yeah, and then he runs
00:19:05
Speaker
Yeah, but it was just like the most unenthusiastic, like, shit! Oh no! Oh no! Yeah, so he's running back to Steph and the whole time he's just like, shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! And he finally gets to Steph.
00:19:21
Speaker
who first of all only has a little bit of blood on her face. Her body is not bloody at all. Okay. Even though she just got chopped. Of course. So she's slumped against the front of the car on the ground and he comes up to her and is just like Steph.
00:19:37
Speaker
Steph, wake up. Steph, get up. Steph, Emma's dead. Steph, you gotta wake up. I'm like, dude, dude, she's got blood on her. A little. One, two, I would assume they're both dead. Right? Right? Like I check it, I'd be like, Steph, Steph, fuck. And then run. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One would think. Uh-huh. But, yeah.
00:19:57
Speaker
So he turns around and Jill, Jill and Jack, Jack and Jill walk up to him. And this is kind of the first like closeup we've gotten of them. Their makeup is worse. So in the first movie, it was like brown around the eyes and like obviously the prosthetic, right? It's like black makeup around the eyes and the prosthetic is like peeling up off of their cheeks and stuff. No, they couldn't even flatten it. Like, okay. It's like they want people.
00:20:27
Speaker
hate it mm-hmm it's like they write these for us like this is part of my theory okay okay so we'll get there okay so Jack hands the axe to Jill and she takes out what's his name who knows this guy yeah so now we cut to our good old friends from the first movie
00:20:45
Speaker
sitting around the table where gay guy Greg, that's his name, right? Greg. Yes, Greg. Is telling them about the legend of Jack and Jill. And it's the exact same footage of them sitting around the table and then the mom and the kids running up the hills and the orderly chasing after them and like
00:21:03
Speaker
It's just the movie all over again. And then we see Jack and Jill, once they're older, going down in their little cave of bones and her being like, it's a bare bone and throwing it. That whole scene. Oh yeah. Yeah. So we then have our opening montage of sweeping rolling hills and scenery and credits for two minutes. Oh my gosh. Two full minutes. Oh my gosh. I just, yeah.
00:21:32
Speaker
and as it's like going on we see Jack and Jill just kind of like walking over the hills and through the countryside and stuff but they eventually end up at like a seaside cliff but it's the same area okay this did not look like the seaside no in the first movie so i don't know but it's like cliffs okay ocean okay so now they have a cave in the seaside cliff of course because
00:21:59
Speaker
because okay yep yep so that's where they are now all righty i'm so glad that they are able to have their little like hidey hole they've got their cave where they leave all their bones they have their giant metal door yeah they've got you know like it's just i'm so glad that they are able to have so many different homes they're doing well for themselves they really are yeah like i only have one home uh yeah yeah so
00:22:23
Speaker
Props. They, you know, they get to do what they love, murder people and eat them all day. Like, I'm jealous. I know, right? So homesteading in the finest. Their sibling bond is just amazing. Is it weird in this movie? No. Okay, good. So that's one thing I can appreciate is that they kept it just like, we're brother and sister, we're going to kill everybody. And I'm like, thank you for that. Cause they so easily could have made that different. Not that Jill's not already a sexual assaulter, but you know.
00:22:51
Speaker
When the Jack over here is just like I'm gonna kill people. I'm like team Jack. Yeah, let's just do that Yeah, let's do that sees at least just murdering people like it's just It's not yeah Yeah, not yanking off their undies and whatnot. Yeah
00:23:08
Speaker
so anyway yes so they're at their seaside cave they were now we're switching oh we're switching now to a little house why do they just keep showing them going places i don't know it's just them like moving through the countryside most of the time that's absolutely like i just i don't know yep
00:23:23
Speaker
so they're there but now we're here at a little house cottage in the in the hills got it got it and at first i about had a fit because i thought it was the same house from humpty dumpty and spider in the attic really it's not okay i know so we kind of go into the house and we meet these two kind of like middle age dish women named nicky and joe okay
00:23:46
Speaker
And Jo is kind of up pacing around the room and Nicki is sitting down and she's like, Jo, come sit down. I don't like seeing you like this, you know? And so she kind of comes over and sits down and she's like, have you gotten out of the house lately? Have you seen any friends or family? And Jo's like, no, not really. And Nicki tells her that she can't keep hiding away like this. And none of them are Wendy, right? No, no Wendy. I know, right? We do have a crossover though. Oh, I'm excited. Okay.
00:24:13
Speaker
But yeah, she's like, I'm not hiding myself away. And Nikki's like, well, I know it's been hard since trails off. And Joe is like, since Eden went missing, you can say it. And Nikki's like, well, it's been a year, Joe. Like it's been a while. It's been a while, yes. And Joe says that she knows Eden didn't kill herself and that all of her friends went missing too. So something must have happened.
00:24:37
Speaker
Oh, Eden! This is Eden's mom. A month or a year later. A year later. Alrighty. Okay. Oh, Eden! I was like, who's that? Like, okay. I didn't want to watch the movie. Yes. Eden's from the first movie, guys. In case you didn't know. I'm not TV Eden, she's a bitch. Are you cold too? Nope. Okay. Sorry, that was an aggressive no. You're like, fuck off.
00:25:07
Speaker
Nikki tells her that she needs to let this weird obsession go.
00:25:13
Speaker
My daughter? With her missing daughter? Bitch? My daughter? Mm-hmm. And to let the police do their job. And Joe says that she knows Nikki is right, but she misses her and she needs to know what happened. Greed? Mm-hmm. And Nikki's like, I understand. Well, I have to go. I'll come back and check in on you tomorrow. So a little while later, Joe calls the police department and asks to speak to the detective and she kind of says who she is and the detective's like,
00:25:41
Speaker
this bitch right and she is like I'm just wondering if there's any updates on my case but the detective is like there's no updates nothing has changed for months like we would call you yeah exactly I don't know what to tell you yeah and she is like well I think I'm gonna have to take things into my own hands obviously since nothing is happening with the case
00:26:00
Speaker
And he's like, well, I really advise against you doing that. Like- Considering your daughter went missing out there, you know? He's like, you just need to trust that we will do our job and we'll let you know if we come across anything, you know? She's not going to take that for an answer. No, just saying though, they shouldn't nuke that whole hillside. For real. They should not be allowing people to hike out there. That many people, that many people are going missing. Let's just- Shut it down. Just in that last movie alone.
00:26:26
Speaker
There was the reporter lady. There was her two sisters. There was, um, the five friends. The five friends. That was eight. There was like at least eight people that went missing in that last movie. Okay. And there were already posters hung up everywhere.
00:26:41
Speaker
shut it down shut it down like yep yep and i mean you know teenagers will hike out there and shit whenever they want to and everything but don't have it as an open like a free-for-all free-for-all yeah yeah no so nikki shows up at the house the next day and she knocks on the door and she rings the bell but joe doesn't answer so she knocks a few more times and she's like joe are you there
00:27:04
Speaker
Is everything all right? Joe, for like way too long. And Joe finally comes to the door and she's like, you can come in if you want. I was like, what the fuck? There were a couple of times I was sitting at my computer and I would just laugh because I could not understand a fucking word they said. Cause they're fucking, they're so British. The one part in the first movie when they're all sitting around the table, cause it showed me again, there's something that Danny says, gay guy, Greg,
00:27:34
Speaker
is like, you know, her parents are brother and sister and then she was like sexually abused before she went into the mental institution or whatever. And daddy's like, fucking hell, Greg. I have no idea. I was like, what the fuck did you do? No idea. I don't understand half of what they were saying. It was bad. I'm so glad there were subtitles. Subtitles were wrong. Yeah. Like, I'm glad there were subtitles, but sometimes they would say something and there'd be no subtitles because I'm like, they don't even know. Yup. Like, yup.
00:28:01
Speaker
Yup. Yup. So anyway, she's like, you can come if you want to. I think I fully believe that every movie should have to type up their own fucking script after, after they filmed and did all the editing and shit. Cause you know, they make people come back in and reduce, you know? Yeah. And then submit it and be like, these are the subtitles. These are the subtitles. Yeah. Yup.
00:28:23
Speaker
Yeah. That would have been very helpful. Oh yeah. So Nikki comes inside and she asks Jo what she's doing and she says that she's packing and that she is going to go find Eden herself. Right. A year later and you're just doing this? Yeah. I would have been all over them there Hills. Like the first couple of weeks. Yeah. So. Absolutely.
Search Party and Scenic Shots
00:28:44
Speaker
Yeah. A year later. Anyway, she says that she's put together a search party. So this is the lady and her search party.
00:28:51
Speaker
a lady. And she's just like very adamant about this, right? A year later. Yeah. So Nikki's like, well, I'm not going to stop you. Obviously you really want to do it, but you should wait, you know, about half an hour before you go. And she was like, why? And Nikki was like, because I'm coming with you. I know it's cute. She's like, I need to go pack up my stuff. And they, they hug, but like we see Nikki over Joe's shoulder and she just has a very like concerned like face.
00:29:20
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Because I mean, here's my thing, though. Like, Zen not knowing has to be the worst. I'm a thousand percent certain they would more than likely be dead. Right? A year later. A year later. No, nothing at all. All of her friends still miss. I would have assumed there was foul play and stuff. So there should be people out searching and figure out the fuck is going on and shit, you know? But like at the same time, I would, I just want to know where's her body so I can bury it and shit. You know, like,
00:29:46
Speaker
Then again, there are plenty of people where they're like, no, they've been missing for like 15 years and then they show up. Yeah. So like, it happens. It happens. Sometimes your child turns into a French boy and then they show up on your porch and they tell you about that. No. Oh, why did I think I told you about that? I don't know.
00:30:01
Speaker
Oh, I was telling my mom about it. Okay, so I was listening to this true crime story where, sorry guys, true crime time. So this little boy, well he was like 15 I think, he goes missing, okay? And he had run away multiple times, so the parents were like worried about it, but like not super worried about it at first. And he was missing for quite some time, okay? And they had looked for him and they couldn't find him. And so one day, they get a call from fucking France.
00:30:29
Speaker
And this guy's like, hey, I think I'm your son. I was like sex, not sex track, kid trafficked, child trafficked and taken to France. And I think I'm your son. You were 15 though. But this is like years later. There was, there's a lot that goes into it. Okay. But he comes back. Okay. And immediately the family's like, oh yes, my son. Great. But he doesn't have the same eye color. That's what he used to have. Yeah. Okay. Or really look like
00:30:59
Speaker
the son at all okay they didn't immediately dna test and so hold on okay and they like wanted to test him a little bit the i think it's like the investigators they had like family pictures and stuff and so they were like can you identify this person and this person and this person and he couldn't
00:31:15
Speaker
And he was like, um, but you know, a lot went on. I went through a lot of trauma and he like only spoke French because they were speaking French so much in France where he was child trafficked. Yeah. And they changed his eye color so that no one would know it was him. You can't do that. But they did. Okay. And the family was like, yes, child. Because they want the child back. Right.
00:31:39
Speaker
So way down the line we find out that he is an adult con artist who has like 15 different identities and he just does this? Yeah. He just came into their life and the family willingly brought him in because they killed their son. Yes! That's such an SVU episode. Like literally an SVU episode.
00:32:07
Speaker
quite literally oh like that's so yeah oh my gosh yeah maybe that's where they got it from
00:32:15
Speaker
So yeah, that's my little side story. Oh my gosh. Should we do another true crime case soon? Oh yeah, we should. Okay, for sure. Okay, I can start looking into some. Sweet. So, that's crazy. Yeah. But anyway, so they're putting together a search party. Yeah. So a little while later, a man shows up at the house. Okay. His name is Mark. Mark. And he is the leader of the search party. Got it. And he tells Joe that he found some good people to be part of their crew. He found like, you know, hikers and mountain climbers and stuff like that. And she was like, oh yeah.
00:32:45
Speaker
specialist hopefully like you know yeah she's like well what about you and he was like well i'm retired police force and she's like awesome okay some combat got it yeah yeah so she invites him in and a little while later the others show up and so they're all kind of gathered together in the living room and mark introduces everybody so there's sarah laura
00:33:05
Speaker
May and Jim. Okay. May is the boss from Spider in the Attic and the doctor from Humpty Dumpty. All right. Okay. She's our only real crossword. Okay. So Mark explains that Eden was last seen in a nearby town, which is where they're going to be kind of searching.
00:33:26
Speaker
and he's like okay Sarah over here is our map reader extraordinaire and she's gonna like plot out certain paths that we can take to get like the most distance and the most range and all that fun stuff right. Mark is like all right let's all head out so that we don't lose any more daylight we got a lot to do right and they talk about how there is a caravan park
00:33:45
Speaker
over there where they can have as like their home base and then they can go out into the hills and all that fun stuff. It's not the hostel. Okay. Which I thought was weird. That is weird. Yeah. Maybe the hostel was like, don't film here again. Get out. That's weird. Wait, yeah. So they all kind of get up to leave and they're grabbing their... Keep attempting to film some weird ass porn in here. Get out. Like we don't want to. You got, you got, I oiled up Danny. You got stabbed in the leg Greg over here. Okay. Let's just stop all of that. Like we don't want our hostel being known for
00:34:14
Speaker
that any of that yeah especially not this yeah yeah they start grabbing their stuff and leaving and stuff but jim kind of hangs back and talks to joe and he's like i'm sorry to hear about your daughter and your friends like when i first heard about them i was like really upset like that's terrible and she's like oh yeah thanks and he's like you know we're really gonna have to keep our wits about us out in those hills
00:34:36
Speaker
And she's like, what are you talking about? And he's like, well, a lot of people have gone missing and some people think it's a beast, but you know, other people say that it's some people who escaped from the loony bin that are just out there attacking people. Yeah, exactly. And they need to be careful or else they're going to be the ones who disappear next. Yep. And he has a night like a little pocket, wait, does he have the pocket knife yet?
00:34:58
Speaker
I don't know, but he has a pocket knife. And she's like, we don't need to worry about that much, you know? She's like, she says, I don't have time for ghost stories.
00:35:07
Speaker
Even if it's not people, it's a wolf, it's a bear, it's a moose, it's an angry ass deer, it's a horde of zombie squirrels, I don't give a fuck. People are going missing. People are going missing. And not only missing, missing. Yeah, no sign whatsoever. A metal fucking bucket that everybody keeps fucking finding but they can't find, you know. Any human remains or anything. Any human remains, nothing.
00:35:32
Speaker
like you can take into a cave but still like yeah but yeah she's like i'm gonna find my daughter and just like walks off okay you're gonna find her dead body yeah so so now i see jack and jill back at their little seaside cave and jack is laying okay i know right
00:35:48
Speaker
Jack is laying with his head in Jill's lap and she's kind of like petting his face and whatever. And she's humming to him. And then she says, must protect as they do. And then- I just don't like- They had each other to talk to. I don't know. I just don't understand. I don't know.
00:36:07
Speaker
It's stupid is what it is. Even if they came up with their own fucking language they were like they were at least 10 Okay, and I just those were old kids. Those are old kids like and she was like mom. What's going on? What are we doing? Where are we going? She's stuck. She's stuck. She's stuck in those, okay?
00:36:33
Speaker
Yeah, they definitely... They spucked that. They spuck it! It was, I mean, you know, across the pond talk, but it was spucked in the last... Yeah, it was sprickin' something. Get that tattooed on me.
00:36:55
Speaker
I think you said it doesn't sound good. It'd be fine. People would be like, what? Hashtag spoke. Yeah. But I just like, they were speaking English. They were talking full sentence. I mean, I don't think I know if Jack fully spoke. I think he said like, mom, no. Like, you know, but like. They were speaking. They understood her quite well. She never said anything. And she was just like, it's going to be OK, Jack. Like, we'll take care of each other.
00:37:24
Speaker
be fine, right? Because he looks like he's got a little something going on. He looks a little, you know. Yeah. But I just, she clearly understands people's fluent speak too, you know, but like, I don't understand. I don't know. It's not, they weren't
00:37:39
Speaker
The fucking kids from mama, you know, where they were like two and four being raised in the woods and shit. They were 10. If they can take care of themselves in the woods for that long. Yeah, if they were capable of keeping themselves alive, they should still be speaking English. Or their own fucking made up language that they speak fluently. I don't fucking care.
00:38:03
Speaker
don't look me like no shut up shut up shut the fuck up don't speak at all how about that no speaking no talking that'd be better like never yep no spucking no spucking at all shut this fuck up
00:38:29
Speaker
Okay so Jill's Jill's doing her thing and she starts singing to Jack but it's not even like her normal humming she's just like
00:38:42
Speaker
then Jack groans back in response he's like oh and then she's like you have lovely voice no no he doesn't don't lie right I just this book
00:39:02
Speaker
How do you take yourself seriously as an actor, right? You're clearly trying to be an actor. You're clearly like, hey, hey, mom, dad, I got a role. Yeah, I get to be like the bad guy in this movie. I have three lines and it's like.
00:39:20
Speaker
yeah okay i don't know it's fine yeah so we get a close-up of jack's face here and the makeup is even worse and it's just just it's just it's peeling off of the bridge of his nose and off of his cheeks and i'm just like
00:39:37
Speaker
What are we doing? And they have the black makeup around their eyes, like they said. I've never done latex makeup before. You have. I have. I've never. And I promise I could do it better than that. Yeah. Even in the first movie, at least it was glued down. Yeah.
00:39:53
Speaker
Right? Like I could tell it was kind of coming up on the edges, but that's why Jill's hair was in the way. Yeah. Right? They were trying. That's why he wore a hood all the time. Yeah, like. Yeah. They were attempting to. Yeah. But again, we'll get there. Okay. Okay. Should I be offended for the first movie like we were with Humpty Dumpty? A little bit. Okay. I just remember us being so, we were like, what? No! Yeah. It's like.
00:40:17
Speaker
No. Anyway. So Jill says that they must protect each other from the evil outside. And there were no subtitles during that part. And then it was just like, it came back in. Like it was like, subtitles, subtitles. Nothing. Subtitles. It sounds like you just... They just tapped out? Yep. They were like, I don't know. So anyway, we get some more sweeping scenery shots and countryside highway, blah, blah, blah. And they pull up to the caravan park.
00:40:45
Speaker
Where have we seen a caravan park before? It's the same damn caravan park. From Humpty Dumpty Two? Yes. Oh my gosh. Yes, yes. With the awful trailers that don't match anything. Is this the same guy that did Humpty Dumpty Two? It's the same production company. Okay, so they just own a couple or they just rented that one too. I bet you that's an Airbnb park. I god, I hope not. Yeah. Those are so awful. Yeah.
00:41:13
Speaker
Uh, but, um, yeah, they're sure getting their money's worth, I guess. Yeah, for real. So, Jack and Jill walk through the caravan park as they're, like, humming their little song and they have their axes in hand, and all of the girls from the group who are now sitting around a fire. And they are having a full-on conversation, could not understand. Okay. One of them's like, what did I miss? And the other one's like, I missed, you know, I missed the dance.
00:41:42
Speaker
he's like what? i don't know but it doesn't really matter because it just like cuts after that so later that night they're all sitting around the fire and nikki's like oh this caravan park is great i'm surprised there's not more people here and may is like well you know it's not really tourist season and everyone's kind of been scared off by all the stories and the missing people
00:42:02
Speaker
and May asks Joe what brought Eden out here anyway and she explains that you know there were six of them originally but one of them killed themselves and Eden it was her boyfriend and she had a really hard time with it and you know she just got super depressed and so they all decided to come out here as like a way to honor him because he always loved these hills.
00:42:23
Speaker
and he hadn't gone missing before he was out here hiking all the time and hadn't gone missing before it was surprising that is surprising yeah she's like i thought it would be good for them to like you know her to get out with her friends and honor him and all that stuff and then she didn't come home no this jill's not the same jill nope it's not okay yeah i don't know if it's the same jack she almost sounded like she had a french accent it was weird i think the jack is the same jack
00:42:47
Speaker
But yeah, he's the same jig. Okay. Uh, the group just kind of like comfort her and tell her that they're gonna find her daughter. I was like, it's been a year. It's been a year. They're not finding nothing. No. No. They're not finding nothing. So a camp host named Lindsay walks up and welcomes everybody and is like, the bathrooms are over here and the showers are over here and I'll be over here if you need anything, basically. And Joe is like, Lindsay, did you work here last summer? And she says that she just started this year and that all the workers from last year just up and quit.
00:43:17
Speaker
So weird. So weird. How bizarre. I know. So Jo is like, oh, okay, thanks. And so she walks off and the search party people decide that it's time to go to bed. But Jo hangs around the fire for a little bit longer. And she hears some weird noises off in the distance. And it sounded like a dying bird. Maybe it's foxes. I don't. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. It says fox howling in the subtitles. Okay. So for what it's like.
00:43:46
Speaker
and there's something like rustling going on and so she pulls out her phone and she turns her flashlight on to check it out and as she's looking around we see the dark figures of Jack and Jill over her shoulder and she turns around and they're gone. I want to see now.
00:44:03
Speaker
Humpty Dumpty versus Jack and Jill. Let's go. Cupid can show the fuck up and we'll see who fucking wins. A big ass spider in the end. Yeah. What's up? What's up? That would be great. That would be the greatest way to like end them all off and stuff. Just big Humpty and little Humpty. Oh yeah. Double Humpty.
00:44:38
Speaker
That's the problem with that is that Humpty and Cupid are the same actor so yeah, yeah, yeah
00:44:45
Speaker
Anyway, it's all fine. We'll figure something else out. We will. Then again, Jack can be taken out quick easily with a fucking bucket. It's true. Point Jill in the direction of a hot boy and she'll be good. Hey, Jill, that's Humpty. Wow. Look at what he's wearing. Assault him.
00:45:15
Speaker
Okay, but anyway, they disappear yeah, and she goes back to her camper for the night could not be me no no no like two random people in the in the middle of the night and just like Just moving them. Oh, she's okay. No, she doesn't see them. Okay, you disappear. Sorry. Okay. Okay. Sorry. I didn't hear that part Too busy coming up and plop yeah
00:45:38
Speaker
okay so camp host Lindsay comes out of her little she's in like one of the actual like houses that's on the property and she's like taking out the garbage but she hears her rustling and she sees Jack over there and he's like looking at her like this sideways and she's like can I help you with anything?
00:45:56
Speaker
saying hello gas my property he just stares at her like he does and so she's like okay and so she goes to turn around to go back in her house but Jill is like right the fuck there of course yeah so Jill pushes her down to the ground and yeah so Jack comes at her with the axe and he hits her and blood just goes on his face and he looks it off of his lip yeah
00:46:23
Speaker
So the next morning, more scenic shots of ducks in a pond and spider webs in a field and fog amongst the trees and other such things. Of course. Gotta fill that run time. Yeah. That's what I showed in my movie. I should have just had a bunch of scenic shots. True. So next time. Yep. Next movie. Yes.
00:46:47
Speaker
So the search crew meet up to head out and Jim is standing there. Oh, this is where he's playing with a pocket knife. And Joe is like, is that really necessary? And he's like, it doesn't hurt to be prepared. You know, like we don't know what we're going to meet out there. And Sarah is like, okay, we're going to split up into two groups so that we can cover as much ground as possible. And Mark says that he and Nikki and Joe will go one way and that the rest of them can go the other way. And they can all meet back at the caravan park in nightfall.
00:47:15
Speaker
and so someone asks what they should do if they find something and Mark is like let's just debrief when we get back here later because there's no reception out here like there's no way to contact each other anyway um satellite phones walkie-talkies i'm just saying like there's no reception okay
00:47:37
Speaker
So they all head out. And as they're hiking along, Jo sees a tree that has missing person posters plastered all over it, right? And she's like, why is nobody doing anything about all these people? Thank you. Exactly. She's like, this is crazy. But Mark is like, just don't dwell on it.
00:47:55
Speaker
My daughter is one of these people. Yeah, one of these people. Fucking, this is America. They'd have the National Fucking Guard out there. A couple of army guys would be out there sleeping. Jack and Jill would show up. Pow, pow, pow. Movie's over. Yeah. Get John Cena out there. Right? Never fucking see him and he's going to take you out. But yeah, he says, don't dwell on it. We'll find your daughter. Don't worry about it. And it does another shot of the posters and we see that one of them is Steph from the beginning of the movie.
00:48:23
Speaker
Okay, I mean only staff not the other people I mean that's the one that I like so I don't know so the other group is going along mm-hmm and they're kind of going down this like a little bit of a hill mm-hmm and Sarah rolls her ankle of course so May and Laura experienced hiker exactly
00:48:42
Speaker
She's the map girl, okay? So Mae and Laura sit her down to check it out. And Laura's like, I think it's sprained and you shouldn't be walking on it. And she tries to insist that she can go on. She's like, no, it's totally fine. I'll just keep hiking. But Jim is like, no, I think you need to really set this one out. Like you shouldn't be walking on that foot. And so Mae asks Jim if he will help Sarah back to the base while Mae and Laura press on. And Jim is like trying to argue about it. And he's like, but I'm okay.
00:49:12
Speaker
You're the what? Yeah. You're the what? You're the what? Yeah, that's right. I'm the leader? Is that what it was? Or is it like, uh, I'm going to be out here killing whatever's out there because that would be me. I'd be like, no, someone else take her back. I'm a go. I have a gun. I'm shooting whatever's out here. Like if no one else will handle this situation, I'm gonna handle this situation. I have a theory. Okay. But we don't, I mean, we kind of find out, but like also kind of don't find out. So, so yeah. Okay.
00:49:39
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so spoke. You should be. So he agrees. So we get a couple of like ominous shots of the forest again because runtime and then we go back to Jim and Sarah and they're just sitting there and Jim is like, well, you can like lean on me and I'll help you get back to camp, you know, and she's like, no, you go on ahead. I can get back on my own. It's not that far. Like if you go now, you can catch up with the others.
00:50:06
Speaker
he's like are you sure like they kind of go back and forth for a minute and she's like yes just go on he's like okay so he runs off he's like i'll see you back at base and she's like all right so he goes a little ways and he pulls out a map and he's looking at the map and he's looking around he's looking at the map and he's looking around and he's looking at the map he's looking around 20 for alligators oh my gosh 20
00:50:33
Speaker
for alligators. That's a lot of for alligators. Yeah. He doesn't say a word. He just looks and looks and looks and looks before folding it up and putting it back in his pocket and walking away. A lot of people go like, oh, it's just 20 seconds. What is it? It matters. 20 seconds of silence. I won't do that to everybody right now, but it's long. It's long. It's long. It's a long time.
00:50:54
Speaker
yeah okay yeah so we then see Sarah hobbling her way back to or like back down the path to the base okay when some spooky music starts playing don't you know okay yeah and we see Jill hiding behind a tree of course and we just keep getting these like weird shots of Sarah's feet as she's like hobbling through the leaves and then like Jill's legs and then like Sarah's feet and then like Jill's face
00:51:19
Speaker
and then Sarah walking and then her feet. And I'm like, what are we doing? Stop it. I hate it. You're trying to be cinematic and it's not working. It sucks. Thank you. Please. Yeah. Let's stop that. It went on for way too long. I'm still bored right now. Get on with it. So Sarah hears rustling around her. And then we hear, exactly. It could be anything. Could be anything. But we hear Jack and Jill humming as they come up to her.
00:51:47
Speaker
Oh, they run up to her. Sorry. Catch me outside. Let's go. Right. Wait. Jill has the axe and Jack has the what? The bucket? No. No. The knife? No. No. The bow and arrow. Bow and arrow. Oh my gosh. I forgot what they had. The bow and arrow. The bow and arrow. They had to have taken that off of a hiker, right? Yeah. Like there's no fucking way. For sure. Yeah. So he shoots her in the back and it comes through like right at the base of her neck. Obviously. So she's just like bleeding all over the place.
00:52:15
Speaker
and they stand over her staring down at her and were like upshot of their faces like always 12 seconds oh my gosh before it finally just like fades to black
00:52:27
Speaker
They're just like staring down at her. 12 seconds. It's like, you do know that you can edit shots, right? Like you can edit. I don't think they know that. Cause like I get it. Sometimes you have to film a little bit longer to be like, okay, then we'll make sure, hang on. I think we got it. Okay, we're good. Like I cut off the ends. Just keep the middle four seconds. 20 seconds of map looking. Like listen, if somebody goes,
00:53:00
Speaker
Yeah, that was still like six seconds. Yep. Okay, and I understand they also want to show that somebody isn't like Okay, yeah, you know I get that I get that yeah six seconds of
00:53:15
Speaker
Right? That's enough. Yeah. That's all you, or even still to go. And the worst part is there's no background music. Yeah, there's no music in this movie. No! Like, why do they do this? I don't know. For all of them. Unless it's like, something scary's happening. Otherwise it's just like, birds. Fucking birds and dogs. Wow, that's birds! Like, the fucking birds! And where are the dogs barking from? Where are the dogs coming from? Everywhere. Because if you can hear dogs barking, that means people lives there. Okay? Like,
00:53:44
Speaker
Either that or you got ding-gos. Yeah, ding-gos out in the bike. Ding-gos-ation your bike. Ding-gos, the bike. Ding-gos, they're not even in... No, they're not. I was just kidding. Yeah, you're good. They're supposed to be more Australian, right? They're supposed to be more 11? I was like, no, they're not in the UK, right? Like, they're... No. Yeah. I think I was thinking Australian accent, but we were doing it British. So, yeah, it's fine. It's the same thing. It's fine. Yeah. Okay. Okay.
00:54:09
Speaker
I don't want to know. Okay, so... You don't want to know. We go back to Jim. Yes. Who is still hiking through the woods. Got it. And he keeps pausing and looking around and then walking some more and then pausing and looking around and walking some
Sea Cave and Prosthetics Critique
00:54:23
Speaker
more. Oh my gosh! And then walking some more and then suddenly he's at the sea where the sea cave is.
00:54:30
Speaker
Okay. He made it there. All right. So he walks up and he sees Jack and Jill's cave. So he goes into it. Also it's like the opening is like 20 feet high. So no but everybody's just going into this cave then? Okay. It's huge. So he starts to go in and he sees Jill who is crouched down facing away from the door. And she is looking at a book which I assume is the journal book thing. Pages are blank.
00:54:58
Speaker
She's looking at blank pages. Oh my god. I saw the pages. They were blank. Or at least the one that I could see was blank. Yeah, because all of them just had like like single stick figure drawing on them and stuff. And I'm like, she was getting ready to draw. For sure, for sure.
00:55:14
Speaker
Yeah, and there's also supposed to be a fire. It literally was like they took a touch light, put it on the ground and put some rocks over it. It was like light. So there's that.
00:55:32
Speaker
So Jim makes a noise on accident like you know a sneaky noise and Jill hears it and she freaks out and she starts to run toward him screaming. Apparently it's pretty dark in the cave which is why she had a light. Yeah because Jim lights a match in front of his face and as he lights it she's like right there in his face. Okay. Oh and she's holding a knife. Of course. I think. Yeah a weapon. A weapon.
00:55:58
Speaker
uh but he blocks her arm and he punches her in the gut yeah she falls to the ground get her gem and he gets this crazy look on his face okay like it made me think of bardie crouch jr from harry potter four you know like i mean he's not doing the tongue thing but like that's uh-huh it's the same
00:56:20
Speaker
Yeah, so he gets some crazy eyes going on. Got it. And he says, well, well, what have we here? You're Angie's spawn, aren't you? Who the fuck is Angie? Because her name was Kelly. Yeah. He says Angie. You're Angie's spawn, aren't you? I don't know. So, and then he says, I remember when she escaped from the Looney Bin. No, he is not!
00:56:47
Speaker
No he is not. It's not the same actor though. It's not the same actor. No but I think. Are they trying to insist that it is the same man? I think. Let me continue. Okay. Okay. Or is it like a cop that like.
00:57:03
Speaker
So I said, who's Angie? And he says that she ran off into the hills, but she didn't get very far, did she? She was cuckoo and the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree. And then he starts wrestling with her on the ground and she spits in his face. And he calls her a filthy bitch and starts kicking her and beating her.
00:57:23
Speaker
I just I'm rooting for both at this point like yeah and at one point we see him go to because she's like on the ground and he's like kicking at her but it like there's a further out shot he's just kicking dirt like right next to her I was like I get it yeah but but
00:57:39
Speaker
okay he grabs her by the hair and he pulls her up and he puts her up against the cave wall and he pulls out his knife and he's like laughing like a crazy person at this point okay and he says i should do to you what i was planning on doing to your mommy a long time ago and then jack comes up behind him yay john knocks him out
00:57:59
Speaker
I'm just team Jack, honestly, which is ridiculous because he's like a murderer. But like, I mean, I was team Greg, but now Greg's dead. So I'm Dean Jack, but like, mostly because fuck this guy, but also fuck the two of you. So fuck everybody. Fuck everybody. Well, you two stay away. You don't fuck. Fucking shit. I keep talking about dance.
00:58:22
Speaker
So Jill hugs on to Jack, right? She's very sad. And now I'm feeling sorry for them and I hate it here. Jack and Jill do the whole kneel down where you just fall to your knees while they're holding each other. And Jill says that they are all bad people and that they have to kill all of them to protect themselves.
00:58:48
Speaker
And Jack grabs Jim by the feet and drags him away, leaving behind the rock that he hit him with that's covered in blood. It looks like fucking raspberry jelly. It's so bad. So back to Mark, Jill and Nikki. They are hiking and Nikki sees a bucket hanging in a tree. Oh my gosh. With blood dripping down the sides. Oh my goodness. And she's like, what could this be? We should tell the police.
00:59:22
Speaker
That's funny. Thank you.
00:59:32
Speaker
But Joe and Mark agree. And they're like, well, it's time to head back to camp anyway. So let's definitely like make sure somebody knows about that. Right. And so at this point, May and Laura have hiked all the way to the sea cliffs. Okay. So I guess Jim got ahead of them at some point. I know he must have known where the fuck he was going. Yeah. How? I don't know. But he was beeline in it with that map. We did it. No, it's fine. Go ahead. Keep going.
00:59:59
Speaker
What if Jim is supposedly there the father yeah the the Orderly the orderly didn't he die their mom took him out But they tumbled down the hill together and he was like, I think I don't know I think go watch that scene again. I don't know
01:00:17
Speaker
Cause it's not the same actor for sure. No, but they do look similar enough that I was like, like they were attempting to. Yeah. So I don't know. And there's also supposed to be like a 30 year difference there or like at least 20 something years, you know? So like that orderly was a man in his forties, like late thirties at the early. It was definitely forties. Yeah. So 20 years later, he should be in his sixties.
01:00:43
Speaker
yeah jim was not that old i don't know right because listen listen even if they were to say in the 90s this lady escaped from her you know like yeah in the 90s this lady escaped with her children her children were at least 10 okay and if the if the if the latest of the 90s was 1999 her children were still 10
01:01:05
Speaker
20 plus years later, they're in their 30s, okay? So anyone else would be in their 60s. Like I just, I'm just baffled by that. I just, I don't know. I don't think they understand how time works, how aging works and stuff. No, they got the actors they could get and that's all there is to it. They literally just like grab anybody and they're like, yeah, you're like vaguely in the same, even though half the time the actors are the same fucking age, sure.
01:01:32
Speaker
Go ahead. Sorry. Okay. Okay. So, okay. Okay. Okay. There's my third round. So at least not saying that in a bad way. Um, okay. So may and Laura have ended up at the sea cliffs. Okay. And Laura is like, should we stop for a minute and take a break? And may is like, well, we still haven't found anything. It doesn't seem like there's anything, you know, at this point. Um, and maybe they should head back.
01:01:57
Speaker
and Laura is like why don't we just go up to that next bridge we can get a better view of everything it's not that much further and so May is like yeah okay but then they see Jack and Jill's cave okay and they suggest they check it out because it's not on the map not every fucking giant ass map like or this giant ass cave is not on a map i mean yeah i can understand that not every little cave is going to be on a map but like a pretty big cave yeah but i don't know
01:02:23
Speaker
So they walk in and they see the skull and human bones. Okay. And I know that you said that they were so fake in the first one, but I don't think I really understood what you meant. Like plastic, like you could see the seam. Walmart. Yeah. Halloween clearance section bones. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we're dealing with. Yeah.
01:02:48
Speaker
So there are bones strewn across the cave floor, and there are like these little shelves in the caves, like just like rock shelving, you know, like where there are lit candles all over the place. Okay. Okay. And Laura says, it looks like someone was here. Really? There are lit candles!
01:03:12
Speaker
Thank you. Anyway, so she starts taking pictures. She's like, we got to show everybody this. This is so crazy. And she has her flash on because it's dark. Of course. Yeah. And she's kind of like looking around. Macy's the rock on the ground with raspberry jam eyes. And she says, oh no, we need to leave. There's blood.
01:03:34
Speaker
She says, oh, no. Oh, no. Our table is broken. Oh, no. Oh, no. Blood on the rock. You know, she freaks out a little more than that. Call the police. So they start to run. I can tell when you and I both started to get exasperated.
01:04:03
Speaker
exasperated yes thank you i was gonna say exacerbated but that's not exasperated thank you because you and i both start to go like this we just we don't touch our heads a lot yeah smack ourselves around just like and then this is happening yeah
01:04:20
Speaker
You and I both do that. It's true. So we should record ourselves one of these times. Just like put it up on TikTok, his little funnies, like live stream this one time. Should we live stream you guys? Would you watch a live stream? Do you know how much shit we cut out of these episodes that people don't hear? It'd be fun. That would be live on the internet. We say a lot. Yeah. There's a lot that you're like,
01:04:47
Speaker
I'm like, don't worry. I was already planning on it. I do talk a lot of shit. That's why we don't do lives. I forget. Hashtag judging you. Hashtag talking shit. Hashtag talking shit.
01:05:14
Speaker
This is a crazy episode. Okay, so they've run and I'm doing it again. May gets ahead of Laura and so Laura's running behind her. And what does she do? She falls, of course. And she's like, May, no, wait, please don't leave. Wait for me. But May doesn't. May keeps fucking going. I don't know. And May is freaking the fuck out. Hyperventilating.
01:05:41
Speaker
So she hears Jack and Jill humming in the distance as they do and she stops and stands there and continues to freak the fuck out. Hyperventilating, screaming, crying, throwing up. Basically, but there's no tree there.
01:06:00
Speaker
freaking out. I'm on the floor. I'm throwing up. Oh okay. Okay. Okay. I just touched her leg. Yeah. Okay. So she's she's freaking out. Uh huh. Um we hear them humming in the distance and then Jill starts to laugh like a crazy person. Okay. Okay. And so then Jack starts laughing and grunting from behind a tree. Okay. I have a video with this. Oh no. Okay.
01:06:27
Speaker
And then May backs up into a tree and is feeling around the tree. Her back is to a tree. So she does do it. Yeah. Have you ever in your life been like,
01:06:43
Speaker
never know attempting to look for such like I just know it's stupid it's not like they're they're not blinded they weren't they didn't have dirt thrown in their eyes and they're like what's around them no no it's not like it's pitch black and we're only seeing them because you know it's a movie and stuff right because it's us and we're omnipotent whatever things you know but like
01:07:09
Speaker
Are you kidding me? No. Have you? Like I just, no person in the history of ever has actually done that. No. Without being blind and being like, what the fuck am I feeling? You know, like. Yeah. Okay. If you're picturing a blind person groping a tree, you are correct. You're right.
01:07:25
Speaker
Okay, so she's backed up against a tree. Jack comes over with the most fake looking Halloween knife. You know the ones that are just like solid silver plastic? Like the handle and the blade are the same color. There's already blood on the blade because he slits her throat and drags the blood across her throat. It's that situation. So he does that.
01:07:51
Speaker
And we see Jill with her prosthetic face peeling up so bad. So bad. It's coming away from her eye sockets. That's what's happening right now. Did they do all of their shots in one shoot, do you think? Because they were like, well, we're not going to be able to put these prosthetics back on. Just keep going. Just keep filming. I don't know. Can't take three minutes to get the spirit gum back out. And they probably didn't. They probably were like, Elmer's glow.
01:08:20
Speaker
Elmer is good. Probably. I'm trying to find the video. Okay. Oh. Why does she look like that? Oh wait, let me make it right here for you. Why does she look like that?
01:08:54
Speaker
She cut her hair. Oh, she looks so bored. Oh.
01:09:26
Speaker
Okay. Ooh, I'm offended for the first movie again. Yeah. Cause at least their prosthetics were staying down. Like. So that happens. Okay. So now we cut to a shot of a fire that is so very obviously a free video they got from somewhere. It's like the slow motion, like dancey fire pit fire.
Tension and Confrontation in the Woods
01:09:51
Speaker
And the group is gathered around a completely different fire than wondering where Laura and Mae and Jim are. And we see Laura, who is running through the woods, and she trips again. But as she gets up, she sees the lights of the camp in the distance. And so she's like, yes, the camp. And she's relieved for a second until Jill pops out in front of her. And Jack puts his arms around her and drags her away. And the group at the fire thought they hear something.
01:10:19
Speaker
but they can't really tell what it is. So Mark says they need to go check it out altogether. And so they look around but they can't find anything. And then suddenly Mark shushes them and takes off running. So the girls follow after him. And they see Jill crouched in the distance. Obviously. And realize that I'm someone we know. If it works.
01:10:40
Speaker
Right? It continuously works. Mine as well. She's not doing anything wrong. He stands there and looks creepy. Yeah. She crouches and cries. Yeah. And weirdly grunts now because they didn't make fucking a sound the other day. They would just be like, what was that? No, I don't know. I have no fucking clue what that was. No, weird is what it was. Nope.
01:11:00
Speaker
so she is crouched down crying and they realize that it's not somebody they know so joe goes up to her and she's like are you are you hurt like it looks like you it might have some blood on your face are you okay and let's see like this their prosthetics would only make sense if they were literally like cutting the faces off of their victims and wearing them like i just is that what's happening because that's not what they did in the first movie
01:11:25
Speaker
I'm sorry, did I just ruin something? Okay, keep going. Like, sorry, like. Okay, so. So.
01:11:37
Speaker
Jill is crouched there. So, Joe comes up to her and she's like, are you hurt? Can we help you? Can we do something for you? And as Joe is talking to her, she hands her a handkerchief to wipe her face. Jill very quietly says, Mama? Okay. And Joe is like, Mama, that's very sweet, but no, I'm not your mom, you know?
01:11:58
Speaker
And Mark and Nikki are like, something's not right about this, like don't do this. And Nikki grabs her arm to pull her away, but then Jill starts screaming. So Jack rushes over with his axe and takes out Mark. Okay. Takes him out. So Nikki and Joe start screaming and they take off running. And all we see is Mark laying on the ground. We can't really see his face because of how Jack is positioned, like hatcheting at him.
01:12:25
Speaker
but Mark's legs are just like shaking off the ground oh my gosh okay he's pretty bad so he's dead all right poor guy yeah barely is in the movie uh so joe and nikki are running for quite some time but nikki falls behind as you you know i'm sorry i just
01:12:46
Speaker
You're running with your friends for your lives and you let them get behind? No. Not in the slightest. No. That's my Hufflepuff, but whatever. So Joe looks back at Nikki and she's gone so quickly. So Joe runs back to the camp and over to the fire where Jill is waiting for her and Jack knocks her out with the handle of the axe. Of course.
01:13:08
Speaker
So we then see Joe and Nikki and Laura who are all tied up in a camper. Okay. And Laura tells them that they've killed Jim and Mae and that they saw the bones in the cave. What bones? Their bone? Like Jim's bones? Yeah. Or just bones? Just bones. Because it's not gonna be Jim's bones. No. No. They're not eating them that fast, I hope not. Gosh. I wonder why they keep murdering people so quickly then.
01:13:31
Speaker
go with their burning calories. They are crouching and crying a lot. And clearly moving from place to place. True, they're doing a lot of hiking. It's true. They keep their calories up, man. So Jack and Jill come into the camper and Jack puts a rope around Laura's neck and just pulls up on it, strangling her, and they're all tied up. I don't know if you said that.
01:13:53
Speaker
So he starts strangling her. For funsies. Yeah, just for kicks. And the other two are screaming, pleading for him to stop. And Jack and Jill's prosthetics are so falling off at this point. It is ridiculous. And this is where I thought, is it skin? Yeah.
01:14:15
Speaker
but it doesn't make sense with the first movie no because that was like that was their face although i don't understand what jill was talking about which she was like i still look like them what do you mean what do you mean you still look like them i don't know so i'll touch on it a little bit more in a little bit okay okay so but yeah skin masks yeah basically
01:14:34
Speaker
said are these supposed to be skin face masks that they're wearing because otherwise this is a fucking joke at this point right yeah that was like like it was bad it was bad so Jack and Jill then come over and sit on either side of Joe and just stare at her okay and Jack pulls out his axe but Jill like motions for him to put it down she's like no no
01:14:58
Speaker
So, Joe is like, what do you want? Like, are you going to kill me? What are we doing? And she's like, how many people have you killed? And she says that her daughter came out here last year with her friends. And they would have been just about Jack and Jill's age. And she describes Eden to Jill. And she's like, have you seen my daughter?
01:15:17
Speaker
And Jill says, or she says that her name is Eden. And Jill says, no, Eden. And just then Nikki, uh, gets herself untied and she runs out of the camper. And so Jack chases after her and Jill goes to leave too. But Joe is like, no, please, please stay.
01:15:34
Speaker
And so Jo asks Jill to tell her what happened to Eden and why she didn't come home. And then she realizes that Jill is wearing one of Eden's necklaces. And Jill just keeps saying, no Eden, no Eden, can't talk, no Eden. And she's like, you can't tell me what happened? Where she is? You can't tell me what happened? Like I am her mother. And she's like, mother.
01:15:59
Speaker
So Jack goes into the camper where Nikki is hiding and grabs her by the hair and throws her onto the bed where he smothers with her with a pillow while he's laughing like a crazy person. Okay that was like a five minute long smothering because okay it's fine.
01:16:15
Speaker
So he comes back to the other camper where Jill and Joe are and Joe asks if they can at least show her where Eden is if they can't say what happened and Joe says, or not Joe, Jill says we take you. Okay.
01:16:30
Speaker
And we can see the edging of the prosthetic from this angle, and there's blood up underneath it. So this is the point where I'm like, it has to be a skin mask. A skin mask, yeah. But it doesn't make sense with the first movie. No. But it's intentionally peeling up. It has to be. I don't understand otherwise. So anyway, we take you, she says.
Jill's Revelation and Cave Proposal
01:16:54
Speaker
So they lead Joe out to the sea cave. Okay. And Jill says that it's their home and... When a many. When a million. And Joe is like, is this where Eden is? And Jill just kind of like turns and walks inside. And so Jill picks up a skull and holds it out to Joe and says, Eden. Oh, fucking bitch.
01:17:17
Speaker
So yeah, so Jill immediately just breaks down sobbing and Jill tries to like comfort her by like awkwardly rubbing her back and like touching her hair. The way I would go feral and rip out her throat with my teeth. Like you killed my daughter? Yeah and they handed me her skull?
01:17:34
Speaker
I'm taking you out. I'm gonna take you out with my nails and my teeth. You're gonna die. I'm gonna die too, but you're gonna fucking die, bitch. Like... Yeah. So she's awkwardly trying to comfort her. And Jill says, we, Jack and Jill.
01:17:51
Speaker
We live in a cave. Thank you. Yeah, thanks. Good job. I mean, I didn't know your names, but, you know, this is fine. And then she says, our mother died too, like Eden, but not like Eden. Did you eat your mother? Like, maybe. Honestly? I don't know. Because if that's okay, so they shouldn't eat in the other dude too. I just. The other orderly. Yeah, the orderly. And then he wouldn't have been.
01:18:19
Speaker
It's fine. Does it get worse? Our mother died too, like Eden. But you can be our new mother. No! Yes. And then she says, you stay here with us. This your new home. Meanwhile, Jo is like crying, but trying not to freak out too much as Jill is just like petting her and being weird. And she says, you take us in. Protect us, mother.
01:18:47
Speaker
and then Jack and Jill sit on either side of her and just put their heads on her shoulder and she just like is sitting there like okay well what the fuck yeah now I'm a captain so yep and then it zooms in on Jo's eyes just her eyes and she looks left and looks right and looks left and looks right
01:19:10
Speaker
And looks left. That's what we got. For 20 for alligators. The end of the movie I wrote. What happened in that movie? Um,
01:19:32
Speaker
Nothing? Yeah. What resolution did we get? Nothing. Nothing? It's barely a setup for another movie. Right? What happens in the third movie? Is that their dad? I don't know. I had a feeling that the mother situation was going to come in, but I was like, why wouldn't they get someone who looked like their mother for them to be like, you're back. Mother. Yeah.
01:19:57
Speaker
And so we're just being like, you can be our mother now. And like, did they actually, I mean, we know they killed Eden. Like, is that actually Eden? Or was she just like, Eden, dad, you're our mother now. I don't know.
01:20:09
Speaker
And how has nobody gotten shut down that fucking park? I don't understand.
Movie Quality and Future Speculation
01:20:14
Speaker
Like, I mean, what would stop them from roaming to another part of the country? They're over on the seaside now. You're telling me you can't have the fucking, like they're not the Mounties out there, but you know, you can't have the red coats going out and fucking hunting down. Like if I'm just saying, even if it's a wild animal, okay? Old Mo's took 10 men, 10 men to take down. That was a bad-ass bear.
01:20:37
Speaker
you're fucking telling me you're not doing anything anything nothing i know it's the brits but come on across the pond get it figured out right like something something something yeah i don't know
01:20:55
Speaker
that many people going missing that means the area is unsafe at least not hikeable okay that means that even if there's not an animal out there attacking them even if there's not people out there eating and hunting them down okay the area is not safe no i nuke the fucking place move along like
01:21:16
Speaker
Yeah, it needs to be done Yeah, okay because like fucking and here's the other thing one person goes missing at Zion Mm-hmm. There's an entire fucking search party of 30 plus people. Mm-hmm helicopters and shit. Oh, yeah Okay, somebody goes missing in Bryce Canyon helicopters and shut that shit down so much shit, right? They want they stay until they find someone. Mm-hmm. Okay, I just this one It's just like oh put their face up on a tree. They'll be fine. They clearly left on another one. Oh
01:21:46
Speaker
Yeah, another one. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's ridiculous. There's no fucking way Anyway, I think yeah, my dogs are done. So it's been a long episode. It was a shitty episode. I mean a movie Yeah, it was bad and scores are bad and all of it's bad always bad. Um, but hey stay tuned for part three Oh my gosh, we will be back with it at some point at some point you will watch it. Yeah
01:22:13
Speaker
There's a Humpty Dumpty 3. So I have to watch that. Yeah, we do. Should we split that one too? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Anyway, we love you. Love you. Have a great time. Thank you guys for listening to this week's episode. Let us know what you think by commenting on Instagram and TikTok or emailing us at bmoviebashpodcast at gmail.com. You can listen to our episodes on all of your favorite podcast platforms, including Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, and so many more.
01:22:41
Speaker
If you want to support the podcast, you can find our coffee donation link in the episode description, or check out one of our awesome sponsors. And as always, make sure to like, subscribe, and tell your friends. If you're anything like me, you're not drinking nearly as much water as you should.
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