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The Elf | B-Movie Bash! | #JYS3E21
97 Plays1 year ago
"Nick is haunted by night terrors stemming from a tragic murder he saw when he was young. After inheriting an old toy shop, he discovers a cursed elf doll sealed inside an ancient chest with a naughty list of his family's names written on it. He soon discovers that the elf was an evil conduit meant to unleash a supernatural killing spree during the Christmas Holidays by whomever set it free."
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Transcript
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Podcast Episode Kickoff
00:01:36
Speaker
Hello, everybody. Hello. My name is Shannon. I'm Alyssa. Welcome back to another episode of Hashtag Judging You. But I haven't even seen the movie that we're reviewing this week, and I'm very nervous for this beam. Movie Mash.
00:01:52
Speaker
So, oh, I screenshotted a joke. You did? In the middle of the night. What was it? I don't know. Let's go back and find it. My joke is this movie. Ah, I love that. Yes. Okay, ready for this one? Yes. Okay, so a man comes home and he goes inside and he flips on the light and nothing happens.
00:02:14
Speaker
He's like, that's weird. So he goes over to his lamp and he flicks it on. Nothing happens. He realizes that all of the light bulbs in his house have been stolen. He was delighted. It's like that time the ghost came to our house and unscrewed all the light bulbs. Yeah. It's just so weird. Like the only light bulbs that worked were the ones in the microwave in the fridge. Yeah. That's fucked up. That's so fucked up. It's freaky.
00:02:41
Speaker
Okay. I'm tired.
Movie Review: "The Elf"
00:02:44
Speaker
Shannon's tired. So let's get through this. Let's do it. Yes, we'll do this. I am tired, but I do also have weird energy. That's good. Yeah. I've been baking for two days straight. So like, yeah, it's exhausting. I know. I'm glad I got my movie done on Monday. Yes. It took me all fucking day. I did stop for like two hours because Zach came home and we were just like hanging out and stuff. Yeah.
00:03:05
Speaker
And then I was like, I gotta go finish my movie. And then it took me literally the last like 45 minutes, took me another two and a half hours. That's what sucks is like you're pausing so much to take these notes. It just takes so long to watch an hour and a half movie. Occasionally I will just like pull up the text to speech and just be like, and they're walking and they do this. And then such and such says so and so says like, you know, cause I'm just like, I don't want to type that out. But then when you go back and read it, you're like, what? What am I talking about? Yeah. So.
00:03:35
Speaker
I love doing them, but also it sucks. Yeah. Yeah. So today we are going to be talking about IMDB said 2016, 2B says 2017. Why is there always such a discretion? No idea. Okay. The elf.
00:03:51
Speaker
Yeah, so you sent me a little clip of it, right? And like when you paused it, the name popped up. And so I was like, okay, whatever the elf. And then we were scrolling through to be to look for rom coms last night. And I saw the poster of it and I was like, oh,
00:04:07
Speaker
Gosh, did you write down the tagline? Um, no, I didn't because like when I went to look up everything on it It was uh, hang on. Let me see. No, you're gonna just made me chuckle. So I wanted to make sure it got mentioned I'm pretty sure it was all is not calm. See I'm pretty sure. Yeah, that's right
00:04:27
Speaker
And honestly if it looked more like this I would have thought oh, that's whimsical. That's fun What a weird creepy elf thingy those doing it doesn't look like that. No, it's like killer elf on the shelf Yeah, what it's giving but like but it did not give I did not know and It's not giving it's not And not slay. No, no. Yeah
00:04:49
Speaker
So, wait. It's a Christmas joke. Yeah. Anyway, this, I don't know if you, did you IMDB it? I did not touch it. Okay, good, good. I didn't want to ruin anything. I did not pick up the synopsis because it gives it away. Like, it's one of those, like, I'm pretty sure a fan wrote it. And so it's just like the whole fucking- It's like a submarine out of synopsis. Yeah. So there's, yeah, there's no synopsis. However, it is a 2.4 out of 10 on IMDB. Ouch.
00:05:18
Speaker
and it deserves that yeah yeah i can tell just by the 10 seconds you already showed me genuinely the first like three minutes of the movie i was like okay where are we going with that first three minutes good i was like okay let's go for this and no and then it didn't
00:05:36
Speaker
It got so bad. I feel like the person who wrote the first three minutes of the movie and who filmed those first three minutes were not the people that wrote and filmed the rest of the movie. They had a sudden tragic death. Yes. And someone was like, we need to finish this movie. We do. Pick it up.
00:05:51
Speaker
I watch this movie, okay? I cannot tell you the plot. I'm going to tell you the plot. I cannot explain to you the actual thought process that went into them thinking this was a coherent plot line. So... Makes no sense. Makes no sense. Okay.
00:06:11
Speaker
There's a couple of things I forgot to put in here, so I'll try to remember when I get there, because it was things that I thought of later that I was like, oh shit, I need to go add those in and I didn't. So I will do my best to try to remember where those were at, because...
00:06:24
Speaker
Anyway, so, okay, so the story begins long ago with a man with a scullet and weird spectacles, like those, like he's got like the glasses, he's got the different like magnifying effects on them, right? And he's working like frantically. He looks like he's sewing like frantically and stuff, right? Why are all the movies starting like this?
00:06:54
Speaker
back to what we're doing. Sorry if you hear banging on the walls. Anyway. This is the homosexual. I came out of the room the other day. Zach's following behind me. We looked down and Elvis is just like humping his bed and Reese's is humping him and I just yelled, gays. We just started dying.
00:07:13
Speaker
The orgies they have I know I was like get out of here with that like I'm very glad we don't have that problem Yeah, I always make the joke to Shannon like she doesn't like the joke, but with my dogs are doing stuff like that I yell I will not have gay in this house and then I walk out
00:07:29
Speaker
I'm not actually offended. I'm just kidding. Okay. I know. I'm like, obviously they're just dogs. Yeah. You welcome gay into your house every week. So yeah, it's all good. Yeah. But anyway, yeah. So, okay. We're thumping. It's my dogs against the door. So.
00:07:46
Speaker
I'm gonna stop that, it gets worse. Okay, so he's frantically working on his thing, right? And next to him is this scroll. Okay, it's long, it's pretty dang long. Like it's like it's a old, I mean, you'd very much look at it and say, yeah, that's Santa's list, kind of a thing. It's very classic-y Santa's list, right? And it has a bunch of names on it. I paused this movie and I tried to read what the names said, but I think they were in German.
00:08:12
Speaker
And it was that super fancy old timey writing where like everything was connected extra. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I don't know. English style. Yeah. That one clip that I sent you of like, whatever the paper was that he had in his pocket later. It was that, but like worse. It was just, it was, I mean, it's the same font and everything. So yeah. And most of the names are crossed out in red. So obviously blood, you know,
00:08:37
Speaker
Okay. Yes. Obviously blood. Obviously blood, yes. Cause it looks like it was like smeared with like a finger or something like, you know, so anyway. So there's like a trunk or like a chest behind it. It's just square. So I want to say it's a trunk. Okay. Just behind him. Opens up and like a snowy breeze wafts through the air and the man looks even more frantic before we get to see what he's doing, which is stitching the mouth of a child shut.
00:09:05
Speaker
I'm sorry. Yeah. But like the weird thing though is like the angle they were showing looked like there was like multiple children sitting on this table, but like just their heads, I don't know if it was just their heads or if it was just the angle of like we couldn't see lower than, but I- Are they dead? Yeah, I guess. I don't know. The girl actress, like every time, cause they had like the fake skin over her mouth or whatever so that he could like put the needle through it and stuff. And her little eyes just kept in.
00:09:35
Speaker
I'm sure that shit tickled like probably fucking crazy. And she was trying so fucking hard to just keep her ass in the shot. Like just, so she did good about being quiet, but like, cause I probably would've been like, like get away from me. And this way this is not an actor. So there you go. Yeah. So he's just stitching the mouth of a child shut and he whispers to the trunk behind him. If you stop me now, I won't be able to do the restore.
00:10:01
Speaker
Okay. He then turns back to his work, his life work he calls it, but we hear this angry distorted growl. The trunk slams shut and the man just kind of slumps forward. So I'm guessing like his soul was just stolen right out of him or some shit. Okay. We don't see like he doesn't get stabbed through. We don't hear him scream. He just slumps forward. So I'm just assuming like it like just literally sucked the life force. Okay.
00:10:27
Speaker
Right at him. Cool. Loud footsteps and like these weird distorted growls keep coming from behind him. And this monstrous hand reaches forward and it's wearing one of like the green, like, frilly, you know, very much an elf shirt, you know? And it snatches the scroll and disappears, right? Okay. And the elf comes across the screen.
00:10:52
Speaker
Okay. And I want you to think about that for a second. Okay. Everything that we just saw right there. Okay. And completely throw it out the window. None of it matters basically. Okay. Other than the fact that like the old guy- That's the first three minutes. That's the first like three minutes of the movie. Okay. And it doesn't matter for the rest of the movie basically. I love that. Yeah. Love that. It's completely useless. Other than the fact that the old man is apparently a toymaker and that's it.
00:11:18
Speaker
Okay, this is the toy maker. Why was he sewing their mouths? I haven't. They like, they briefly mentioned the tiniest thing about that. And it is incoherent to everything else that's happening. Okay. So I was over here just like, damn, what are we doing over here, son? Like, yeah, I'm like, oh, are these the naughty kids? Like, whatever. Is this like crampish shit? Yeah.
00:11:39
Speaker
Anyway, so the elf comes across the screen. We are now at what seems to be an antique store. That's what I think it is. Does it say antiques on a piece of paper? That would have been even better, but like, yeah, no, she's just wandering. This girl is just wandering around a young blonde woman. It took me, let's see, how far? How far? It's a good like 20 minutes, 15 minutes into the movie before I learned that her name is Victoria.
00:12:09
Speaker
Oh, okay. Is she the one in the video clip that you sent me? Yes. Okay. So she's, yeah, I just called her the blonde woman. Blondie is what I called her in half the notes. Cause I was just like, the fuck is her name? And I only learned that because of the subtitles. Good. Yeah. So anyway, so she's walking around the store, pausing here, there to look at a few things while the camera struggles to figure out where it needs to be looking. Like it's looking at something and she picks something up and it's like, Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
00:12:36
Speaker
Like it's trying to follow her but she's obviously just like going about doing things and the camera's not following her It's not tracking her. It's just like oh crap. Oh, she's moving again. It's like, you know, so either she's not hitting her marks or This is extremely low budget. Yeah, that's that one too. But like I have no idea. Okay, so
00:12:56
Speaker
So she picks up like, and everything's like super covered in cobwebs. Apparently she keeps like swaying her hands through shit to like obviously getting rid of the cobwebs. I don't think I ever saw any, but I mean, it's so hard to see that kind of shit on movies. She picks up a very cobweby photo album while we hear a man's voice in the background arguing slightly that nobody works here anymore. Nobody works here anymore. Just, no, you don't understand. Nobody works here anymore. Okay.
Exploring the Toy Shop Mystery
00:13:23
Speaker
Okay. So I'm sensing.
00:13:25
Speaker
Right. But we see an older man, which is really funny. Every old person in this movie, like older, like I want to say in their sixties. Okay. Is Hispanic. All right. Which is fine. Other than the fact that they're trying to make them seem like they're German.
00:13:44
Speaker
Descent so I'm like which is fine. It's fine. I mean, obviously you can be Hispanic and German at the same time It's just like all of them like if you hear them talk they talk with a like slight Hispanic accent and I'm just like, okay Okay, whatever. It's fine. But he this older man just silently turns and hands this younger man a pair of keys and then just walks away, right? Okay, and the younger man is like, oh my gosh
00:14:12
Speaker
Can you believe this and stuff?" And she's like, what's up? And he's like, that old guy says he works here. And she goes, that's good. And he shoots back, no, it's not good. Nobody works here anymore. He works here, obviously. So she tells him that all of this is so odd. And he's like, what's so odd? And she holds up a book. She just had picked up another book.
00:14:34
Speaker
and says, well, you know how toy makers or specialty fields like a butcher or something, right? And he's like, yeah. And she's like, well, these ledgers would keep track of the toys made for clients. But, and then she turns it to him and she's like, it's empty. And this was my reaction. I just put a gif in there. So, for everyone at home, it's the little girl in her car seat that's like,
00:15:00
Speaker
Yeah. I was like, okay. And he goes, well, maybe he didn't get around to filling this one out yet. And she was like, that's impossible. Yes, the fuck it is. Yes, the fuck it is. You're telling me that he only buys one singular book at a time to fill up with clients. Like why, but why is this in an antique store? Because apparently it's his, like his,
00:15:28
Speaker
rant i have no idea who this man is okay so the guy from the beginning of the movie the toy maker yes okay it's his book in his shop but he's dead he's dead but he's not
00:15:44
Speaker
like the way they made it seem in the beginning of the movie was it was like 1880s like 1800s or early 1800s and stuff and and obviously there's snow outside and i'm in my little tiny cottage just like carving away and stuff because i'm a little toy maker in my cottage carving away but like and you're Irish for some reason i always go Irish for some reason which is really funny because i'm Scottish so i don't know yeah you better watch out
00:16:11
Speaker
My new last name is Irish, but yeah. Okay, but okay, so but if the ledgers belong to the store, why is she looking at them? Because her boyfriend, fiancรฉ, Nick has inherited the store. So they're just looking around at things. Okay, okay. And I'm over here just like,
00:16:33
Speaker
Anyway, this is stupid. So he goes, all great theories, except, oh, he starts, well, I don't know. Maybe he just didn't like fill this one out or something, or maybe it's a brand new one. I don't fucking know. You know, like he's just like, I don't know. Maybe he was bad at keeping track of his orders and stuff. And she goes, well, those are all great theories, except he wasn't making different toys. It's the same toy as she starts pulling out pictures from the photo album that we don't,
00:17:02
Speaker
get to see. It's vaguely in the distance of like a chat. That would be like me being like the camera's right, gosh, past the door a little bit. And I'd be like, it's the same. Look at that. Look at that. Look at this.
00:17:20
Speaker
If the camera's not like panning over their shoulder at any time to be like, look at this, because obviously they were just found a bunch of old fucking photos and we're like, yeah, there's children in these photos with toys. And obviously it's the same. I'll just tell you that it's the same. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Fuck me sideways. So, okay. Right.
00:17:41
Speaker
So, um, they don't let you focus on it long enough to tell what the fuck it is. He hears crashing in another room and goes back yelling at the older man, um, telling him that he needs to be careful with things here and stuff. And I'm like, oh, he's the bro that works here. Do you like?
00:17:56
Speaker
What the fuck are you? Anyway, so also I did not know what his name was until later. So yeah, Nick, I did not know what his name was until later, but his name is Nick. So let's see, he goes into the back room, flips on a light that lights up a bunch of like Christmas lights, like just string lights and stuff and no other light, none whatsoever. And he goes, oh no, and there's also like fake snow on the ground.
00:18:21
Speaker
but I can't okay I can't tell it's not the little ball kind of snow okay it's like it's like flaky snow but it doesn't look like real snow but it doesn't look like fake snow I genuinely don't understand what materials these people were using all the props in this movie yeah
00:18:42
Speaker
I have no idea because it it looked I don't know like fake snow is Like I don't know it's fluttery, but it's not fluttery I'll show you what I'm talking about because they use it a couple more times the movie Okay, but like it. I don't know but it's it's like it sticks to things, but it's not wet It doesn't melt so I don't I really can't describe it. I'll show you what it looks like You'll see what I'm talking about and you'll be as baffled as I am. Okay, so good. Okay, I
00:19:09
Speaker
But he walks in and he sees the Earth, like the light turns on. He's like, well, at least something works in here. And I'm like, you haven't even looked at anything else yet, son, but whatever. That's not the point. Okay. He's a pessimist. He's a pessimist. So, okay. So he's like, inescapably, inexpensive.
00:19:25
Speaker
inexplicably drawn to a trunk in the back hidden behind a few other things and everything else is like covered in sheets. But you can tell that this is, I don't know, it looks to me like it's just a big back storage room, but they have it kind of like the camera kind of keeps looking that like, oh, it's toys. This is obviously the toy maker's where he worked on his toys. And I'm like, no, he didn't. This is not the same room from the beginning of the movie.
00:19:51
Speaker
And if he died in this room, then he didn't have another room. Yeah, like I just, okay. Anyway, I have no fucking clue. I have no idea. Anyway, so he goes over and he tries to open it for a second, but he can't get it to open and he looks on the side and something is written on the side. Not that we get to see that there's anything written on the side, but he goes, whoever can use that. And then it's like, and then he has to like move it. I don't understand.
00:20:19
Speaker
why they even need like all you had to do was like turn it and be like this and this and this and that but instead they're like whoop whoop in the baninging in the in the like kind of a bullshit like i mean if it's written like the list was written i guess true but like
00:20:38
Speaker
You'd also think it'd be written in German. So like, I don't know. I mean, maybe it's one of those like magical things that like, oh, this is the language you speak and understand. So I'm going to translate it magically into whatever the fuck. Can you imagine magical shit like that? Like in like 40 years from now when everybody is just like on God.
00:21:02
Speaker
What bro open this? I hate that. I hate that. Can you imagine in another like 150 years, the ghosts from the Gen Z era, the Gen Alpha era are going to be like, slay. Sheesh. Ew.
00:21:22
Speaker
You're gonna see them pop up in mirrors going like, I hate that so much. Do you know how long it took me to understand what this is? It doesn't look like a fucking heart. It's not a fucking heart. I hate it. I hate it so much and they're all like, meh. And I'm like, this is the dumb, like. Yeah. Is it doing shit like that? She, I think like her profile pic. Oh, you are blocked. I'm blocked.
00:21:50
Speaker
Let me look. I was gonna say suck a dick, but she never was. She won't. Wait, are we friends? Wait. She block you? Wait. Bitch. What's her last name? She fucking blocked you too. Oh my gosh, because she's a bitch.
00:22:21
Speaker
Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm offended. Anyway, so. That was a tangent, so. Anyway, okay. So, okay, so he pulls out the box and finally gets it to read. Before he said, whoever can use that
00:22:38
Speaker
Okay. He now reads, whoever accepts this gift, okay, will be the soul of its contents. What? Okay. So the trunk then clicks open, like it unlocks, right? And he hears, like, soft distorted roaring inside and...
00:22:57
Speaker
There's like a Mad Eye Moody chest. So yeah, so he opens it up and he finds the ugliest looking elf as well as a piece of paper. And let me see, I don't, maybe I didn't take a picture of the elf exactly, but why not? Let me see if I can find a picture of it.
00:23:15
Speaker
Ooh. And it's all in gray. None of it's green. It's just the legs are red and white. Okay. So. The outfit is gray. The outfit is gray. Okay. Yeah. And I'm like, okay. He would have been.
00:23:27
Speaker
so much more whimsical if he was in the green and the reds and stuff, right? And I would have been like, oh yeah, this thing obviously can't hurt anyone. It's a fucking doll. But it's gray and its skin is gray. I would immediately have been like, it's evil. He needs to go in the fire. Yeah, like just dead, just whatever. Anyway, he then, if I were to hand you a piece of paper, Shannon, if I were to hand this to you, how would you hold this piece of paper if there's stuff written on it?
00:23:54
Speaker
Yeah, like this this man holds like Whole palms it like this. Okay, like like whole like this just a sheet of paper, but it's it's that weird Whatever texture II like fabric II not fabric II like it's it's straight up is silicone leather and fabric had a baby. Yeah
00:24:17
Speaker
it's like it's kind of like um the fake skin yeah they give you the tattoo on yeah but like it was it's just so like viable yeah so soft and i was like what is this it's foam but it's too like thin to be foam and it's too like i just it's flopsy it's so flopsy but it's not but they're like yeah this is paper and i'm like not no it's not
00:24:40
Speaker
I do not know what it is. So anyway, but he's full palming it like this so that it's like an attempt of the camera trying to see it, but the camera never looks at it. Okay. He also was holding up a piece of paper roughly and maybe a little smaller than that, right? Okay. So he holds this fucking thing up, just palm open, finger splayed, paper laid across his hand. Yeah.
00:25:10
Speaker
That's a choice. It was a choice. And I'm just like, that's awkward. Who taught you how to read like that, my boy? Like that's so bizarre. Like he's just like, anyway. And he does that through the rest of the movie. Anytime he goes, which I mean, maybe in his defense, that thing is too floppy to be like, like holding it. So he's like holding it. Just hold it top with both hands. I have no idea. I have no idea.
00:25:34
Speaker
So, okay. He then starts to read it and says, you are part of a wild hunt. Any attempt to interrupt the nature of its intent will lead to end. Be warned that it sees all and punishes. You are granted removal of one name from this naughty list. He looks a bit disturbed and picks up the elf doll and it's holding a little knife, right? It just automatically is. In the fire. Right?
00:26:02
Speaker
But he's just holding this little doll. Okay, a radio suddenly turns on and starts playing kind of distorted Christmas music and some machine starts blowing that fluffy snow as it's falling and he's just like like
00:26:19
Speaker
Flabbergasted like for like a good like 10 seconds. I believe it. Okay, I believe it. So then it cuts the scene cuts Okay. Oh also it keeps kind of showing like little clips of these weird little I thought they'd be important but they're like little Christmas Anyway, not the point
Unraveling Town Mysteries
00:26:35
Speaker
though
00:26:35
Speaker
There's like these little carol, carol-ler dolls, but they're like really old looking and stuff and it's just them with their mouths and there's just a wide O, right? Because obviously they're caroling and stuff, right? So back in the showroom, Victoria is wandering around when she sees across the street a man shoveling the cement. He has a shovel. He doesn't have a snow shovel, he has a shovel.
00:26:57
Speaker
And across the street from her is this like a band, it says motel in like the painted on the window, whatever. And it has a for sale sign, but it's clearly boarded up. Like it just looks like this town is dying because it's just a very old town. And he's just out there shoveling, but there's shit in front of like, it's just a bunch of like leaves and garbage in front of this motel. To me, it looked like he was shoveling this garbage out of the way. We'll get to that later.
00:27:27
Speaker
Okay, it's not the most important thing, but I'm like, the fuck are we talking about? Anyway, so she's wandering around for quite some time. She finds some old of the caroling dolls, right? She's just staring at them for a second when her phone rings and she answers and some girl with red dyed hair is lighting up a bong and immediately says, wait, I thought you said you were at a toy shop, which is kind of pedophile-ish, but I don't want to judge.
00:27:53
Speaker
No, it's literally not. It's like an antique store. It's way more than just dolls. Like there's not just toys everywhere. Even if there was. Yeah. That's not pedophilish. But she literally answers the phone. Wait, I thought you said you were at a toy shop. Do you answer the phone like that? No. No one does.
00:28:12
Speaker
Cause it's weird. Cause it's, and you're wrong. So yeah, I said, fuck you. The first girl, she is a master of this like eye rolling thing that she does. And I'm like, she is simultaneously the best and worst actress of the whole movie. Good. Okay. Like there's scenes where I'm just, if she's acting with other people, I'm like, you're better than them. But then she does anything else remotely by herself. And I'm like, you are horrible.
00:28:41
Speaker
But you're so bad at being in it. Everyone else was just also really bad. I guess so. Yeah. So I just I don't know. Maybe she just shined a little better than everyone else. So that's not entirely true. I didn't think Nick was the worst actor. He was fairly convincing. So he was probably the best actor and I just.
00:28:57
Speaker
Anyway, but yeah, she she also has the biggest like Botox lips. Oh, like hang on. Oh, yeah Yeah, they're huge the biggest lips you've ever seen. Yeah Anyway, so she just kind of rolls her eyes and she goes sky. Why are you calling me? I told you to wait for my call
00:29:17
Speaker
Sky replies, this other random fucking girl, wait, are you in any trouble? Because if you need me there before Christmas, just let me know. Wait, where's Nick again? What is happening? I have no idea. Okay. Okay. And I was like, wait, why are we having this convos? You dumb bitch. That's what I said. Yes. So Victoria replies that Nick is in the back and what she really needs is for her to not know so much about the big surprise because Sky has a big mouth and Sky goes, whatever. So where's Nick? Okay.
00:29:46
Speaker
So this girl doesn't know how to read her lines at all. And she's very clearly just like, like they're filming her just like talking on her phone. She's just reading her lines at the camera and whatnot. But like, just, she sucks. Anyway, she's in the sequel. So like, I don't know. Anyway, she's like, so where's Nick? Victoria replies, he's in the back. Just like that. He's in the back. Okay.
00:30:15
Speaker
just like this like he's in the back like what are we doing here what is going on at this moment is when i was like this is gonna be so hard to watch yeah
00:30:28
Speaker
get that. Yeah. Um, I, it hurts telling you about it. Like I'm so, I'm sad that you're going to be hurt too. I'm sad to all of our listeners that they're going to be hurt. So, okay. So, uh, she's like, he's in the back and Sky goes, he's in the back by himself. You really hate your boyfriend that much. And she's like, what are you talking about? Oh, she's like, it's Beyonce and why, right? She's just so like,
00:30:58
Speaker
What? Why? She's so weird right now. I can't even describe how weird she is. I should have filmed that, but I didn't. So anyway. You'd have to show me the whole movie. I would. I really, really would. So anyway, Skye says that she's letting him touch all that old creepy shit without a gun or a priest or a shaman. Nothing. You know what? Send me the address where you're going to have this little party. I'm going to have my cousin yelp it. You can't yelp it?
00:31:25
Speaker
Who yelps? Who yelps, right? Nobody yelps. No. Also, why do you think you need any of those things? Just because it's a creepy old shop? I was like, oh, are you trying to have a party in this shop and you need to get the shop cleared out to have this party?
00:31:42
Speaker
Okay. Okay. Okay. So we're gonna keep going. Okay. I said Blondie. Victoria replies that the party is on Christmas and she knows how he feels about that time of year. Sky goes, wait. There's a lot of waiting happening.
00:31:59
Speaker
So you invited the entire neighborhood or... And Victoria applies. I just now learned that her name is Victoria. Thanks to the fucking subtitles. Says that she invited a few people. Skycuts her off and says, that's some really crazy shit right there. Having a bunch of random people over. Victoria... Oh, is that what they were later?
00:32:25
Speaker
Okay um maybe okay maybe they don't they didn't they never clarified that later so anyway okay so victoria keeps just keeps staring out the window she's not saying anything back sky is not saying anything to her this is that scene i sent you
00:32:45
Speaker
It was like 10 seconds of silence. Yeah, yeah. Well, so like she's staring out the window, okay? And she tells Sky, well, if you could just see this place, she would know that it's not gonna be an issue. Oh, sorry, this is slightly after. Sky replies, that's racist.
00:33:02
Speaker
And I was like, why? Because there's Mexicans everywhere? Like, there's Hispanic people everywhere? Like, what do you mean? What are you talking about? That's racist? Like, whatever. Anyway, so Victoria corrects her that she's saying that this place is like stuck in the 30s and Sky goes, that's still racist.
00:33:19
Speaker
And Victoria's like, I mean, there's no one here under the age of 90. There's no traffic or birds or kids. And then that's when there's like the 10 seconds of silence of her staring out the window. And we aren't looking out at what she's looking at. We're just looking at her. Yeah, looking at her. And she's just looking out the window.
00:33:41
Speaker
So as Victoria is staring out this window, an old man appears literally out of nowhere. She would have seen him approaching. He didn't like step from the side. He's just suddenly right there. Like right in her vision and she's staring out this window. Anyway, she gets startled and screams and the old man just walks away and the sky is like, what's going on? Right? And Victoria is like, I'm okay.
00:34:06
Speaker
and she's just staring at this guy who moves along shoveling the cement still, okay? He's just scraping a shovel along the cement, right? It's horrible, horrible sound. And Victoria kind of gathers herself, but she's again just like,
00:34:22
Speaker
She's not saying shit. Sky's not saying shit. Nobody's saying shit. She's like not even like, hang on. And her being like, what is going on? Tell me what's happening. Nothing, nothing. Like a normal movie? No, nothing. So then Victoria or Sky goes asking if Victoria has seen the village. And I was like, like M. Night Shyamalan's the village. Like one of Alyssa's favorite movies of all time. Like one of these single greatest movie soundtracks of all time next to the last of the Mohicans.
00:34:52
Speaker
That village? That village? You want to talk about the village with Alyssa? I will fight fucking anyone who says that is a bad movie. Fight me. Let's go. Because you know the first time you watched it, you were like, what's going to happen? And it wasn't until later on that you're like, this sucks. This sucks. Because everybody else was saying it sucked. I love that movie. Fight me. The twist was good. It was the actual ending.
00:35:21
Speaker
but yeah the idea of the twist sure yep anyway we don't need I wish that they didn't do that twist until later on but I did also see why they gave it earlier because for you to be like oh well yeah like obviously nothing's out there and then for you to go
00:35:38
Speaker
Is some legit out there? Like, oh my gosh. Like, yeah. Okay. Maybe that's what you should talk about when you talk about an actually good movie. I should, but I feel like a lot of people have seen The Village. So maybe, but one of my favorite things, like if I'm at work and I know I have to be like busy, busy, and I don't want to listen to things, I slap on The Village soundtrack so fucking fast. Like it's one of my favorites. Yeah.
00:36:01
Speaker
That's saying something because you listen to a lot of soundtracks. I do. I love movie soundtracks and stuff. I love movie scores Um, but the last of the mohicans the kiss all of you pause this right now Go to youtube type in last of the mohicans the kiss and listen to that song and just be blown away Just and then come back, please and then come back, please But wendy, you know what i'm talking about girl, you know, you know Okay, so she's
00:36:27
Speaker
Victoria replies that she has to go and she'll call Skye later. She doesn't even like answer that, right? But she finally, like she just keeps staring out the window for another like five, six seconds before hanging up and like, just yeah. Back in the back room, it literally picks up from the second we cut earlier with Nick to him continuing on, right? He's still in that baffled like,
00:36:52
Speaker
So no time has passed. No time has passed. I'm assuming that they were trying to make it seem like this was all happening at the same time, which of course it was. They literally could have just continued his scene, but at the same time, I also get where they were trying to go from here. So anyway, so back in the back room, Nick reaches into the box to pick up the piece of paper again, because he was holding the paper. I forgot to mention, he set it down, he picked up the doll, was looking at it, and then that's when all the snow started. Sorry, my bad.
00:37:21
Speaker
Um, so he picks up the paper again and he reads same piece of paper. It's the only piece of paper in the box. Okay. He reads, I accept this gift from Wu Don.
00:37:34
Speaker
He looks around the room as the music and the snow just stop. They like distort out and just stop, right? He gasps as some kind of mark burns onto his skin. The fuck? To me? To me. Yeah. Looks like they photo clipped out a police badge from like the photo clip, whatever, and like put it on him.
00:38:00
Speaker
like not just like a star or whatever but like the big old shield with the extra color blue and color it's like burned onto his arm okay because he hears the sizzling and he's like insta tattoo yeah with color i guess okay okay we'll talk about that later okay so he gets marked and he looks down and he sees that the elf doll is missing it's just gone
00:38:24
Speaker
So he starts to look around and pockets the piece of paper that he's still holding. He just like folds it up and puts it in his pocket, okay? This piece of paper, the only piece of paper that came out of the box, the only one he puts in his pocket, I'm guessing it has to be, okay?
00:38:41
Speaker
He puts it in his pocket. Also, side note, if I'm opening this box and it's weird and I don't like it, I'm not reading any shit out loud. I tell you that much. Right? I don't... Nope. Especially if I read it in my brain and that's what it says, I'm not reading it out loud. Oh yeah. I'm not speaking that into the world. No. Just saying.
00:39:00
Speaker
I know. And I'm just like, who are these people? Like, I get it. You're supposed like, you're reading it to the audience. But do you just read out loud everything you're looking at? No. Like, I'm not picking up a box on the shelf and being like, huh, what's the cook time on this? 35 minutes. Make sure you boil in for 30. I just.
00:39:18
Speaker
Oh, it's okay. So he closes the box, okay? And he pulls out a pill bottle from his pocket, but my phone auto corrected it to pile bottle, taking one without water. And I was like, oh, it's a pile.
00:39:34
Speaker
No, he pulls out a pill bottle. He takes a pill without water. Sociopath. I don't know anyone that can actually do that. Like I said- I can do that with allergy pills. No, cannot. This is gag reflex. Cannot do it. Cannot do it. I was trying to take a Benadryl the other day.
00:39:50
Speaker
and it got stuck on my tongue. I had water. It got stuck on my tongue though and touched my uvula and I threw up in the sink. So that's fun. Yeah, I was just like, that's okay. So anyway, in the car, Nick and Victoria are driving and he says, I guess it was the last thing he made, but this whole thing was odd. He's not even sure what he saw was,
00:40:16
Speaker
Maybe he just needs to get appraised. He just needs to get it appraised. The box? I have the doll? I have no idea! Okay, and the whole time Victoria is just like
00:40:29
Speaker
She also sits with her lips like just parted a lot. Just like, okay. Maybe she's like me and her nose is really stuffy. Don't judge her. Alyssa breathes through her mouth right now. That fucking catalog shot did nothing this year. I'm mad about it. I want to be able to breathe. I literally, sorry. It's okay.
00:40:50
Speaker
Yes, okay, so she just sits there with her lips like slightly parted right and in the middle of him talking She just cuts him off and asks him rather harshly. Do you want to marry me? Okay, and he like he's driving right and he just kind of like Stares at her for a second and was like of course
00:41:12
Speaker
Oh, convincing. I don't know. Like here's my thing. I look at Nick and I go, why do you want to marry her? And I look at her and I go, why do you want to marry him? Yeah. No idea. Okay. No fucking clue about these two. Okay. Okay. So we move along. So he's like, of course. And I don't know if it's more of like, it was him just being like nonchalant about it or if he was just like, I'm so sick of the same conversation over and over again or whatever. And I was like, I don't know. How long have you guys been engaged? Like two weeks?
00:41:41
Speaker
five years, how long's the engagement been? Because somebody else is gonna, so. I'm never gonna get micked. I'm calling it right now. She says he knows what this holiday means to her and they've spent a majority of their time celebrating at an old shop. And I was like holiday as in like the time of year, but. Well, you know how he gets this time of year. You said it yourself. Yeah.
00:42:08
Speaker
So don't be a bitch, whatever that means. So she's like, we hardly even talk. She knows nothing about his life here. And he's like, he argues that he's never kept anything from her. And she asks why she can't meet his mom then. He stammers out that she already knows why. And she replies, well, tell me again. I want to know again.
00:42:29
Speaker
And I'm serious. If they're going to get married, then I need to at least meet one person in your family. A cousin, an uncle, anyone. He's silent for a good moment before she speaks again. What are you doing as he's pulling the car over to the side of the road, okay? She's in the front seat, okay? She's asking what he's doing as he pulls over, okay?
00:42:52
Speaker
There's a car that has run into a tree right there. You can see it. And she's like, what are you doing? She's really good at this. She's so good at this. This movie was so well written. I just, we shouldn't even be talking about it. Obviously people are doing better things than we are.
00:43:10
Speaker
Our faces made for podcast so no That's why we haven't started videos bitch. Yeah, we know We know everything
00:43:30
Speaker
So yeah, so he pulls over to get out of the car as Eerie Music plays. He gets out of the car. He walks up to this car and he sees an older man in it and the older man kind of turns and he's got like blood on his forehead and stuff. And he's like, sir, are you okay? Like, sir? And the old man turns to him and he's so sweet looking.
00:43:50
Speaker
Maybe he was precious? And he turns to him and he says, I'm gonna get in so much trouble. And Nick is like, how are you gonna be in trouble, sir? He's trying to be really sweet and just like, it's okay. Is there anyone I can call for you or something, right? And the old man turns back to the car as he just grabs the steering wheel and starts going, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.
00:44:17
Speaker
Right? Like he's driving again, right? Okay. And Nick starts to back away like this is the most horrifying thing he's seen in his life. He's like, he's terrified of this. Okay. I would have immediately assumed head trauma. Head injury. Yes. He clearly is bleeding from the head.
00:44:40
Speaker
He's an older man who's more than likely senile and he does not call the police. He walks away. This man is delirious and acting crazy and has a head injury and you leave him. And I have a paper clip or a paper cut. He just walks away like he's the scariest thing of all time, right?
00:45:03
Speaker
So he gets in the car and she goes, hey, Nick. Like, and he's like, he turns to her. Oh no, he doesn't say anything for a second, right? Oh no, he does say, we should just get back to the house. And Victoria's like, okay, let's just not talk about it. What the fuck is going on between you two? Yeah, there's a lot of animosity. Oh yeah, like I'm just like, you guys should absolutely be breaking the fuck up.
Unsettling Home Front Events
00:45:28
Speaker
Anyway,
00:45:28
Speaker
She just does her pro rolling the ice fuckery shit. And she just, her lips are just, she's a pro at it. So, but I don't even know if she's like puffing out her lips or if that's just natural resting face. It's just these like pouty, pouty lips. Like just, um,
00:45:51
Speaker
So they walk inside, they get to their house, okay? And Victoria nearly shuts the door on him. Like she walks inside and like shuts it. And he has to like push it back open a little bit. And I don't think the inside of this house is the same house that they keep showing outside. Love that. So. Good. It's not the same house. Cause like their front door is like at a slight like,
00:46:14
Speaker
like angle to the rest of the house. So like, it's almost like if you were to go up sidestep, like a, like you've seen how my back steps look, right? Like how they're kind of like fanned out and stuff. And then my door is just kind of at an angle, right? That is how the door is placed in the house, but that's not how it looks on the outside. So yeah, I'll show you what the outside of the house looks like. Super cute, super cute house.
00:46:40
Speaker
But I don't know who this house belongs to because Victoria acts a little bit like it's her house or like that they just bought it together.
00:46:55
Speaker
I think Nick inherited it, but he does not act like he did. Okay. They just act like they've been living here for forever, but it clearly seems there's hardly anything on the walls. There's hardly anything in the house other than boxes and boxes of Christmas decorations. Okay. Okay. Yeah.
00:47:13
Speaker
Like there's a few things placed here. To me, it looks more like somebody was moving and left shit. Okay. Yeah. Weird. Or it's like someone's Airbnb, probably what it is. Yeah. That they just like vaguely moved stuff around and then we're like, we'll put it back or whatever. But like.
00:47:30
Speaker
You know, there's like a picture frame here and that's it. This house feels like they're still processed, like they're still moving in. Which they probably are. But anyway, we'll get there. So she like basically shuts the door on him, okay? As she just takes off her coat and tosses it on the floor. And so Nick comes in and he picks it up and he like kind of like fixes it and hangs it over the staircase and stuff. Divorce. Right? You're not even married. No. Divorce.
00:47:58
Speaker
So, but as they walk in, she hears Christmas music playing and she goes, hear that? I better go shut it off. Okay. Okay. Bitch. Right. And then as she's, as he's like fixing her coat and stuff and putting it over the staircase, she's like, I think I'm going to make some hot chocolate, but don't worry. I wouldn't even dream of putting marshmallows in it. So he's just the biggest Grinch? Yeah. He just doesn't like Christmas. Scrooge? Yeah. And I'm like, okay, you can still like Christmas bitch. Yeah.
00:48:28
Speaker
But Nick is far too preoccupied when he sees the elf on the shelf, sitting on the shelf right in front of him. And it's like slightly higher than head level kind of a thing. So I, Alyssa would have been like, you know, you'd have to straight up be attacking the elf for me to be like, oh, what is that?
00:48:48
Speaker
I would not notice you otherwise if you were above my eye level. Okay, but when you're not right next to it you can see I mean I suppose if you walked into your living room and it was on the top of your entertainment center You would see that because you walk into the whole room. I don't know if I would register It was something there. We talked about this in movies when you walk in you see the whole room I guess that's true. You see the dead body that's stuck on the chandelier. You would see the dead body. You would
00:49:17
Speaker
yeah i guess that's true but i mean like he's he's like a foot tall so he's like barely big you might still see it if something new was on one of your shelves i think that's true yeah but anyway okay so and yeah this shelf was basically empty except for one picture of them together on it so yeah he okay
00:49:36
Speaker
And he's taller than me, he would have seen it. But this is short. Anyway, so he calls out for Victoria and she's like, fine, I'm fine. Just leave me alone for a little bit. And he's like, Victoria. And she comes out and she's like, what?
00:49:50
Speaker
She sees him staring at the shelf and so she turns and she's like, is this a joke? Are you trying to be serious right now? She grabs it and she's like, ugh, like storms away. The animosity. Right? And she grabs it and she starts starving off with it saying, this is not what I meant by the Christmas spirit. Okay.
00:50:09
Speaker
And so she comes back telling him that that doll, it was creepy as shit. And he is very shook. He's very like, why is that here? How did it get here? And she's like, what? And he's like, I didn't, I didn't put it there. And she's like, excuse me? Yeah, sure you didn't. And he's like, no, I didn't. And she's like, so she's now like, okay. Like he's very like,
00:50:37
Speaker
Like, clearly, you know, he's not like, oh, I didn't put it there. No, he's- Oh, whoa, isn't that freaky? That's so freaky. Aren't you so freaked out? No, he's very much like- I did not do that. Yeah, he's shook. So anyway, so they sit down for a while just staring at the elf sitting on the table and she's just like looking it over, you know? And she's like, why does it have a knife?
00:50:59
Speaker
He doesn't say anything. And she asks if he found it like that. And he replies, yeah, but it ran. It marked me with this seal. And then he like shows her his arm, which we don't get to see that the mark's still there, but she just kind of like looked like she's sitting there with like her hand on her fist and stuff and on her knee. And she just is like, mm-hmm. Like she's so disbelieving. I don't know if the mark is still there or not. Or if he was like, he had marked me with the,
00:51:28
Speaker
what the fuck like nothing like where to go like nothing he didn't say he just like leans it over yeah she's not in the slightest reacting appropriately i would be like what the fuck yeah no idea so she's napped she doesn't react to that she doesn't she doesn't act that's the statement of the movie yep she doesn't act but she goes damn i hate it when that happens
00:51:52
Speaker
What? To tell you how quickly I would be like, okay, I'm fucking done. Yeah. I'm going to pack up my shoes. Divorce. Bye. Yeah. I just, hey. She then tells him that when she was little, she had a Sally Siensei doll that spoke one day without her pulling the cord. And you know what I did?
00:52:10
Speaker
I chucked it. So she grabs the elf and she stands up and she takes the elf outside and she doesn't put it in a trash can. She goes to this old ass, like those big old ass ovens where you had to like put the wood in the bottom and stuff. So she opens up the front. It's just this wood stove sitting outside. And you know how a lot of people just put their junk in the backyard and leave it there?
00:52:38
Speaker
She opens it up, there's a bunch of spray can bottles in there, and she just tosses the doll inside and shuts it. She's like, good riddance, and walks away. Okay. What do you think that's gonna do? Nothing, apparently. No. So we then get our first point of view from...
00:52:54
Speaker
the elf's perspective of something watching her from the trees and just growling slightly. So this is where I thought the monster hand from before. Oh, not the doll. Not the doll. Oh, there's the elf? No. Oh. I don't know what this monster hand at the beginning of the movie was. I was expecting this giant, or like, just something. And no, we get this fucking, you're gonna see. Okay. Okay, but there's the doll, but then there's also... No.
00:53:25
Speaker
Okay, yeah, I'll stop. The one perspective is very clearly like a person height, looking at her walking away and being like.
00:53:35
Speaker
Like I'm mad and stuff, like we're all in town, you know? Thank you for clarifying. I'm mad. It's like that line from, what was it? The second Hunger Games? When Peeta's like, oh, they're coming, Katniss, the capital's coming, blah, blah, blah, blah. And Hamish is like, that's a warning. He's warning us.
00:54:02
Speaker
But it's like, it's like normal head perspective. The rest of the movie is ankle perspective. So. What? Cause it's the doll's perspective. No, I get it, but like. What? I don't know. That's why I was thinking that it was like some spirit attached to the doll. It's this big hulking beast form or something or whatever, like.
00:54:20
Speaker
It's not. Okay. So inside the paper and Nick's pocket, paper is a very loose term, starts to burn in his pocket, right? So he's like, ah, ah, and like yanks it out really quick. He acted that fairly well. Like I believed it. He was like, ah, like burning for a sec, you know? Oh shit, we're at an hour and 13 minutes and we are not. It's been a day. It's been one of those times.
00:54:45
Speaker
Anyway, so he quickly yanks it out and the paper says naughty lists at the top and a short list of names are written on it. I can't tell what they say. Okay, so it is just a changing magic paper. Yeah, I'm guessing. And at the top, there is a name that briefly is replaced with Victoria and it flashes back to the first name. I don't know if that was a CGI fault that like it shouldn't have flashed back.
00:55:14
Speaker
because it was very clearly like, oh, here's the piece of paper in my hand. And then the name flashed over it and then flashed back. I think it was supposed to permanently say Victoria, but like they didn't keep it long enough for the frames. So anyway, Victoria comes aside and he quickly shoves it back in his pocket, right?
00:55:33
Speaker
And she tells him that it's in the trash and he says he's gonna take a shower and probably take a nap. So Victoria calls Skyback and says, okay, she says this, okay? She literally is just on the phone, okay? She's just walking into the kitchen and she's taking off, like she was wearing like a button up and she's taking that off and she sets it on top of the stove.
00:55:57
Speaker
She just takes her fabric that's on top of the stove, okay? And she's talking on the phone to Sky. And she says, well, we stayed at my house, but why is that even weird? How many guys know where you live? And Sky is smoking outside. She's also like dressed in like choir clothing at this point.
00:56:17
Speaker
And she's, I guess, standing outside of a church. I have no idea. Sky's just out living her life. She's just smoking a bong. She's singing in church. Later on, she's getting food in a drive-thru. Like, yep. So, that's Sky. She's just out living her best life, I guess. But Sky's like, that's a fair point. But you're in the middle of nowhere with a guy who's having a kill your ass flashbacks.
00:56:41
Speaker
What? Victoria pulls open the oven to pull out a sheet of, I didn't know where they were at first, but they're cookies. And the whole, when she pulls it open, like a bunch of like kind of whitish smoke just
00:56:55
Speaker
comes out, like everything's been in there slightly too long, but not long enough to like make it burn. She just pulls these out and like sets them down. Right? Who? When? Who? While she's like on the phone, she's talking to Skye and she's just pulling these cookies out of the oven. Who made them? I don't know. I have no idea. I don't know when she could have made these cookies. Did she have them in there the whole time that they were at the bottom store? The whole time? Right?
00:57:21
Speaker
i don't know okay but these cookies yes are pre-frosted with sprinkles she pulls them out of the oven pre-frosted
00:57:33
Speaker
What is happening? I don't know. Where can I buy those cookies? Right? But she corrects Skye that they're not flashbacks, they're night terrors. Okay? Okay. And she's also like taking the cookies from that tray and putting them onto another tray. I was like, you think they just put it on a plate or something? Yeah. And she's like picking these up and dropping them down and they're like, these are the driest like cookies of all time. Okay.
00:58:01
Speaker
throw one of those at the fucking elf later on and you'd fucking live, I bet. But anyway, so Sky replies, night terrors my ass. Have you seen Amityville Horror? And Victoria asked, what's that? And Sky says, that's what she's living right now. Right? Okay. Yeah.
00:58:16
Speaker
Sky's like, that's what you're living right now. And there's so many different, or there's so many dating apps that she should call this all off and come back home. Victoria's like, no, I know Nick has issues, but... Sky wants to date you is what she's saying. Sky then goes, you know, this is all my fault that she should have let Victoria use her account so she could stream more movies. What?
00:58:44
Speaker
Are we talking Amityville Horror because is that the line you're supposed to be talking about before? Like, have you seen Amityville Horror and her going like, no? Like, okay, that's my fault. I should let you use my account. You should have been watching more movies, but it's what you're living right now, bitch. Like, that's how that line should have been delivered if that's what we're talking about. But is that even what we're talking about? I don't think so. No.
00:59:05
Speaker
So cause she's all like, have you seen how many people horror? That's how the line should have been delivered. Just been like, Oh my gosh. No, I shouldn't. You know what? That's on me. That's on me. Oh my hell. But it's what you're living right now.
00:59:18
Speaker
So I just, anyway. Maybe she just wanted her to stay home and do the Netflix, but not the chill. I don't know. So then Victoria goes, she just like cuts her off and she's like, there's one more thing. And then she tells her about the elf doll, right? And Sky laughs it off. And Victoria is like, yeah, I guess it's not that big of a deal. It's probably nothing. And then she's like, well, I gotta go. The rents will be here soon.
00:59:43
Speaker
And I hate the term rents so much. Okay. Okay. She is a grown ass woman. She is not a pre-teen from 2012. Are these her parents? Parents.
01:00:00
Speaker
Oh. Rents. It's what all the like coming of age teen sleepover girl movies would call their parents. I think I've heard that before and I just. I hide it. Didn't think about it. I hide it so much. Okay. Oh, we need to move on.
01:00:15
Speaker
Okay, so in the shower, Nick is having visions to being a child and walking into a Christmas party where everyone is frozen in time. And this person is dressed as Santa, but turns and reveals this fucking face. Oh no. Oh. So it's obviously a night terror. That's like the skeleton from Halloweentown, but gone bad in the Santa suit.
01:00:43
Speaker
Like, yeah, Benny. Benny, that's right. I love Benny. So he gets out of the shower trying to grab his clothes, but he can't seem to keep his footing. He's like all over the place. He's very clearly disoriented, just all that stuff. And he's trying to grab the door handle, but he just can't get it to turn or whatever. And he's just screaming and he's clearly upset. He's just like, you know, he can't do anything, right? And they keep flashing to him being a child
01:01:11
Speaker
And it's this dark void. It's stranger things when Eleven is in the upside down, but it's not the upside down universe. It's her doing her little telepathic thingy. That's what it looks like. And there's this white Christmas tree in a distance, or him running through the void and splashing through the water and stuff, right? That never comes up again.
01:01:36
Speaker
Okay. Okay. Victoria bursts into the bathroom and this is where her Australian accent starts slipping through. She's like, oh no, I got you. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. But she doesn't say oh no. So like, but yeah, she's like, I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I've got you.
01:01:52
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. So Nick, she gets him up right after a minute. He's, he's comes to and he goes to grab his clothes and he tells Victoria they need to leave and that she needs to pack her shit and they'll just get out of here. And she argues it's Christmas Eve, right? Oh, it is. And there's a huge storm headed their way. Oh, I guess. Okay.
01:02:11
Speaker
Even though there's not a single snowflake on the ground. Okay. I mean, sure. Yeah. But like it was, they didn't even need coats kind of a thing. They're just out, you know, uh, he goes to leave, but is stopped by a bunch of people yelling surprise in their living room. Okay. And, um, Nick just kind of stops and is like, Oh,
01:02:34
Speaker
as he turns around and he looks at them, okay? And there is, I call him Daddy Long Neck. His name is John, but this man's neck, okay? Okay, how do I explain this? He just has this ridiculous neck. Let me see if I can find him on IMDB. Probably not. Nope.
01:02:56
Speaker
I'll have to show you what he looks like but um anyway so he's standing there and he's like say something son and Nick just kind of keeps staring at him he's like speechless you know and an older woman steps forward um this is his wife right and it's just like John we spoke about this and he's like okay yeah my
01:03:15
Speaker
I know, okay, and he takes a step back. And another younger woman steps forward and she says that they're here to celebrate as a family. And the father grabs a bottle of champagne and he pours a glass. And do you know what champagne glass looks like? Like a flute. Like a flute? Yes. Right? Okay. Where do you hold a flute? By the stem. By the stem. Okay.
01:03:37
Speaker
full fists this thing and is like handing him like the the actual like glass part like you know i don't know what that's exactly called but like um just full fists tries to hand this to him is not not like a not even a
01:03:53
Speaker
Because that's how guys hold it. Sorry. That's how men hold it, right? That's not it. Feminine is holding it by the stem and with the dainty and stuff, right? Men hold it by the butt and stuff, right? And like by the butt, like it is just the bottom, you know? Not the full base, but like, you know, like- The cup it. The cup it, yeah. They just gently cup it and stuff, right? And like, but no, he just whole fists this cup to him. It's just like here. It was so weird. I was like,
01:04:22
Speaker
Like, so Nick doesn't take it, right? He just walks past him and I was like, I'm with you, Nick. Let's go. I was like, that's so awkward. What are you doing, sir? Like it just, it was so weird. And he also keeps talking about like, it's, it's like Greenland, whatever. He's like, yeah, we got the Greenland kind or something like. But I guess it's not champagne. It's egg duck.
01:04:48
Speaker
oh like it's alcoholic eggnog but it doesn't look like eggnog shouldn't it still be white it was like it was very pale but like it was still kind of see-through-ish so i thought it was champagne and i was like maybe it's just an extra bubbly champagne or some shit or like maybe they're mixing it it's a pie
01:05:07
Speaker
Anyway, so Nick storms past him and he goes into a different room and Victoria hurries after him. And she's just smiling. She comes up behind him and she wraps her arms around him and she rests her face against his back. He's not happy. He's not happy. And she's like, surprise and stuff. And he's like, you just couldn't resist, could you? And she's like, come on, that's not fair. And he says, you know what this shit means to me, right? And she replies back that he knows how much family means to her.
01:05:36
Speaker
And I'm like, okay, fair. It's not your family, bitch. I guess it kind of will be, but also. It's her family. Oh. Every person in there is her family, okay? The dad is her dad. The mom is her mom. Oh. The girl that is there is her sister.
01:05:56
Speaker
Her husband? Question mark? I don't think he's a brother or anything. I think he's the sister's husband. Yeah, I think he's the brother-in-law. And then the grandparents are there. And they're just sitting like grumpily on the couch, right? Same, I'm with you. Right? He kind of like shoves off. He just like pulls away and starts to walk away and stuff. And she's like, listen, it's Christmas Eve. My parents and my family are out there. I even invited some people from town. That's gotta be who these other people are.
01:06:26
Speaker
but they didn't seem like, but they're not. Okay, we'll get there. So he turns around asking her what, and she says, oh, he's like, what? And she's like, yeah, from the place that you grew up in. And he's like, I didn't grow up here. And she's like, okay, whatever. No, whatever. I don't know what this means. I don't know whose house this is. I don't know. Fucking, I don't, cause she's over here talking to Scott, like, we stayed at my house. Why is that so weird? So like, this is your house?
01:06:56
Speaker
Okay, did you buy this house together and that he clearly doesn't want to be here
01:07:01
Speaker
I don't know, I don't know. Okay. So he says, I told you all I wanted to do was get the place appraised and then get the fuck out of here. And she says, you actually haven't told me much of anything. And I said, they also haven't told us much of anything. I'm 35 minutes into this movie and have no idea what the fuck is going on. We can barely hear those conversations because this distorted weird ass fucking music is so loud.
01:07:26
Speaker
Like there's just this weird extra music going on and I'm just like, what?
Family Tensions & Holiday Chaos
01:07:29
Speaker
I'm so glad for subtitles because
01:07:33
Speaker
Okay, so they stare at each other for a moment. While in the other room, the family is awkwardly trying to put up Christmas decorations. Do you decorate for Christmas on Christmas Eve? People that wait until Christmas Eve to decorate for Christmas are sociopaths or laziest fuck like Alyssa. So yeah, Daddy Long Neck's parents stand up, the old folks. And the old da is what they call him, right?
01:07:57
Speaker
He says, I've never cared much about the buzz during this time of year, and they've decided to leave. They're gonna go get their own special bottle of alcohol, and it's not going to be Greenland, whatever, and they leave. But John's trying to stop, Daddy Long Neck is trying to stop them, and he says that there's a storm coming, and they go, mwah, and walk out the door, okay?
01:08:22
Speaker
Again, in the other room, Nick and Victoria are talking and he says, well, maybe three months is a little fast, even for us. Three months? You've known each other for three months and you're engaged and living in your house together. And I thought Mormons were fast. Yeah. Like people bash on Mormons all the time. They're like, they get married so quick. And I'm like.
01:08:43
Speaker
Some of you people are moving with each other after two weeks. Well, me. Tony's Mormon, so whatever.
01:08:54
Speaker
Right, people are always like, man, I just wish missionaries wouldn't talk to me or whatever. The best way to get missionaries not to talk to you is, hello, elder, they won't talk to you. You're already LDS. Move along. Except for unless they're like, also, do you want to keep talking about the gospel? And we will also talk about the gospel. If I've had them knock on my door before, and I'm just like, oh, hello, elders. And they're like, oh, hi, how are you? I was like, good. How's the knocking on doors going? If you seem like you're part of it, they're like, oh, thanks. They're not going to want to come in.
01:09:24
Speaker
Their job is to spread the gospel. I already know the gospel. Thanks very much. That's why you're supposed to invite them in for dinner, Alyssa. Well, that's different. How dare you? That families are supposed to do that. Which is real funny. I haven't had any missionaries come all the way out here yet. We lived here three years, so.
01:09:47
Speaker
It's so funny, oh my gosh. We're 35 minutes into the movie. We're an hour and 32 minutes into this recording. Yeah, we are on a roll. We've got that energy flowing.
01:09:59
Speaker
right okay okay so they're still arguing again right and he's like i don't know maybe three months is uh too fast even for us kind of a thing and she replies again that it's christmas eve my friends and family are out there i mean i guess i'm friends with my sisters too but like i wouldn't call them my friends so my family so so i was like who the fuck are these people because i didn't know who was who yet i was like because i didn't know if the sister was her sister i didn't know she was just like a friend or whatever because she's like oh i invited people to town or what you know just
01:10:28
Speaker
no fucking clue anyway so um oh i said here i was like who the fuck are these people who are they related to are they nyx parents victoria's parents i'm going to assume victoria's parents that he's just a dick and doesn't like to talk to his fiance's parents here's my thing i can understand if he would be like victoria i told you i didn't want to have a christmas party that'd be different yeah but he's over here like he's fucking
01:10:49
Speaker
people are in my house. Like if my in-laws were suddenly throwing me a surprise party for a holiday that I hated in my house, I'd also be like, but I don't know whose house it is. Right? I mean, I guess he's like, he wants to get it appraised. So I'm guessing they inherited it and they're trying to sell it. She's over here talking like it's her house. I have no idea. Anyway, yeah. But like,
01:11:10
Speaker
Yeah, but he's over here. He's not even, he didn't even attempt to make nice to them. Just be like, Hey, thanks for coming. Family. Family that I'm clearly marrying into. Like, yeah. And he, well, I don't know. I don't know if they've talked before and like, it was horrible. And so he's mad because there's these people or whatnot that are now, now trying to olive branch and whatnot. I don't know because
01:11:34
Speaker
This movie is not good. Because I don't know. Outside we see the grandparents complaining about the snow and the grandmother saying that they shouldn't be driving in this and he says, well, why did you even come? And she replies that he's blind as a bat. That's why he explains, well, that's the last 50 years. Like that explains the last 50 years. Like, oh, so I hate the trope of that you hate your spouse. Yeah. I hate that so much.
01:11:55
Speaker
They'll be together then. I was just watching a clip from I Love Lucy the other day, like yesterday, and Ethel and Fred were just going back and forth on each other. I'm like, why are you together other than it's the 50s and you can't get divorced? Why? Murder one another. Gosh, you don't even have kids. Why did you get married? No idea.
01:12:14
Speaker
No idea. They never even really have moments of them being loving to each other, do they? Like, it's horrible. I don't like it. I don't like that mentality. You should love your spouse. Yeah. And if you don't love your spouse, they shouldn't be your spouse. They could annoy you. Yeah, absolutely. But you should love them. Yeah. Okay. So they hear some weird, like weird ass chanting, like whispery, latiny, whatever in the back, right? So grandfather shushes her as eternity looks
01:12:41
Speaker
And we see, oh, he's like, do you hear that? And she's like, what? And he's like, silence. And then we hear the chanting and stuff, right? So he turns into the back seat and we see the creepy-ass elf doll sitting there. The grandfather reaches for it as it like, they clearly are like puppeting it this time as it just like kind of turns to him and he's like, and it launches at them. And we just see the outside of the car as it shakes and trumbles and we hear him screaming, so.
01:13:08
Speaker
Imagine dying from that tiny knife. Right? Like you'd have to like shank me quite a few times if it happened. So I don't fucking know. So Victoria is talking to her sister or friend is what I said, but it's her sister. But Victoria is like, can you believe him? And Tiffany, I think is her name. Tiffany replies, you know how he is. He hasn't ever been the same since he was a kid.
01:13:31
Speaker
Yeah, I know how he is over the past three months that I've known him. Right? Yeah, so she goes, so three months? So I'm over here like, okay, but so did you guys know each other as kids? And like you've only started dating now? Like and are engaged? Yeah, I just...
01:13:47
Speaker
Makes no sense. This whole movie doesn't make any sense, okay? The more I talk about it, the more I'm like, I have no fucking clue. I feel like 16 different people just started writing all at the same time and they threw it into AI and said, here you go. Maybe. It has to be. I have no idea. So she's like, so three months, huh? And Victoria starts to understand the term of having cold feet.
01:14:09
Speaker
And then she asks, do you think I'm making a mistake? And her sister says that it's not for her to say, only she knows what's good for her. And then Victoria tells her about the old man shoveling the cement earlier. And she's like, there was this old man shoveling snow, but there was no snow. And I'm like, he's just shoveling cement. Like he's just out, he's just an old senile guy. He didn't look like it was shoveling the snow. He was out there like working. Like, I don't know, okay. But then they both are just like,
01:14:40
Speaker
Real pensive about it for a minute, okay? Real Emily from Pretty Little Liars when she hears something weird going on. Did you see that clip of this? I was going to send it to you. That girl that's like- Yeah, I saw it today. Oh yeah? She's so good. She does them very well. Yes.
01:14:59
Speaker
but anyway um but yeah they're both both real pensive about it right and uh before she tells her about the stupid elf too and obviously if you know nick that makes no sense at all like uh and she's like what do you mean oh my god his name is nick yeah oh my god his name is nick
01:15:19
Speaker
And Victoria explains that Nick loathes Christmas. There was an incident when he was a kid, but the last thing Nick would ever do is touch anything, and I mean anything related to Christmas. Even though he's the one that picked up the stupid fucking elf doll.
01:15:37
Speaker
Yep. And you didn't believe that he didn't put it there. I just, I don't know. I have no idea. Okay. So like at this point they're all kind of like, Oh, this is weird. Like what's going on? Just kind of, I don't know. So Victoria thinks that he's having second thoughts about the wedding and that him acting out of character is him telling her that he's not ready to get married or whatever. I don't want to. Three months in you're being this bitchy. Right? Yeah. Yeah.
01:16:02
Speaker
So her sister says, okay, big sister card, I think you've had way, way too much of this Greenland eggnog. And Victoria goes, yeah, that stuff is nasty. Even though she's like chugging it. Maybe she just really needs a drink. I just probably needs a drink. But I'm like, it's eggnog?
01:16:19
Speaker
It was eggnog the whole time! I was like, what? The way they kept saying Greenland, I was like, are we sponsored? You've had too much of this Greenland eggnog. Greenland eggnog. I'm gonna go somewhere else where we don't have Greenland eggnog. It's like an anti-ad. I'm gonna go drink Iceland eggnog. Yeah, I have no idea.
01:16:48
Speaker
Yup. Okay. I didn't know. So they show the outside of the house and there's like a dozen tiny splotches of snow on the ground. Okay. Little bitty snow. What a storm. Right. And daddy long neck comes into the kitchen asking Tiffany, um, if she's seen Papa and he calls her him dot and Papa and Dodd and pop. And like a couple of times and I'm just like, Oh, they said they were leaving. What do you mean? Exactly. Right. And Tiffany's like, I thought they came back.
01:17:17
Speaker
And he's like, no, they're not. We can't find them. Why did you think they came back? Right? I have no idea. I have no idea why they think they came back. So he steps out into the living room and he thinks that he should go out looking for him. And his wife insists that he needs to stay and make things right and Nick offers to go out looking for them. And since there's a storm rolling in, they'll need supplies too. And the mom goes, that's a great idea. So bye Nick. Bye bye. Go die in the woods. Bye.
01:17:45
Speaker
Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Now what were the grandparents getting into when they were leaving? The car. Their car. Yeah. Right. So Nick is like, I'm going to go out looking for them. Okay. And Tiffany's husband. Right. The other man. The other man offers to go with him. Right. And I was thinking for a second that he was going to be that, listen, man, this family's a little crazy, but we have a chance. You know, like you want to talk to him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. Okay.
01:18:15
Speaker
Not in that sense. Okay, so Daddy Long Neck says the dad hates the cold. He's probably out playing hooky somewhere. What? It had to have been AI writing this. But this was like in 2016, 2017, AI wasn't really a big thing then. I just...
01:18:33
Speaker
So, okay, so they're out there. And again, what did the grandparents leave in? A car. A car. Their car. Nick and Jeremiah, we find out later, thank you subtitles, are out walking the woods with flashlights, yelling, Papa, Nana. Why? Swinging flashlights around in the dark. Why do you think they're in the woods?
01:19:00
Speaker
There's a storm coming. It's not like they were like, fuck their cars here. Where could they have gone? Nothing. They just start walking in the woods. This is where they're at. They're walking in the woods. So the other Jeremiah goes, so you see things, Nick? Just out of fucking nowhere. Okay, great. And Nick doesn't reply because why would you? And the guy goes, hey man, I get it. We've all been through some shit.
01:19:28
Speaker
kind of changes your perspective on things, right? Like, so I'm over here like, okay, he's trying to be like, it's fine. Like, yeah, you see a couple of weird things. Listen, I've had some crazy shit happen to me too. No need to be ashamed of whatever. Like, yeah, no, Nick goes.
01:19:45
Speaker
Well, it's a good thing that there's people that you can pay to talk about those things. Jeremiah chuckles and he says, Victoria must not have told him, I'm an actual psychologist. And I was like, okay, so maybe he's trying, right? But as he says that, he says, and in your case, I'm gonna be your fucking psychiatrist and punches Nick in the back of the head with the flashlight. He just like pows him, like just clocks him. What?
01:20:11
Speaker
Okay, I don't know what the point of saying a psychiatrist is like I just because you need medication because you're crazy Yes, cuz like only psychiatrists can give medication like punching someone in the head. No, that's just uncalled. It's like yeah, I just I But being like I'm a psychiatrist No, it's good. Maybe that's his medicine. I guess I don't go fashion fucking beating. Oh
01:20:33
Speaker
Right? Okay. And that Mr. Conroy, who is Daddy Longneck. Okay. Okay. They never said that anywhere. Okay. Okay. Daddy Longneck. Okay. Wanted to leave him a message and that he's had him pinned ever since he first laid eyes on him. Who knows? He might've been bullied. He might've been touched.
01:20:55
Speaker
Um, could have been batshit crazy. Either way, you're going to tell Victoria that you can't do this. You're too cuckoo. He then punches him in the stomach and he says, believe me, she'll understand. So Nick crawls forward, reaching for the flashlight he dropped.
01:21:13
Speaker
when something hits Jeremiah on the back of the head and he reaches back, looks at some blood and then just like stumbles forward, okay? He just goes down, okay? Point of view is shaky as we see something like run and hide in the trees really quick and then just kind of like, kind of noises, okay? Like I think I'd be really good at these weirdo creepy animal noises, thank you. Okay, this scene exists here.
01:21:45
Speaker
Nick looks around trying to figure out where um the flashlight is and we hear this like roaring like growling sound and then faint benevolent talking is what the the subtitles said, right? Cool. I think it meant to say malevolent because benevolent is like holy but malevolent is wicked. Okay. Right, benevolent is. I don't even know it doesn't sound like a word anymore. Kindly.
01:22:13
Speaker
Meaning... Well, meaning and kindly, yeah. Yeah, I think they got that wrong. Yeah, malevolent is what I think they were trying to say. Anyway, so he turns around and he finally sees the fucking doll, okay? Yeah. And I'm going to show you the scene and then I'm going to describe it to everybody else. So here we go. Oh no.
01:22:43
Speaker
oh my god okay so that's that scene okay and basically what happens is that he uh nick turns around and he sees the elf doll raising its tiny little hands in the air as it like
01:23:04
Speaker
threateningly gibbers in Latin or whatever, right? It then turns to look at him and just like slowly walks towards it. It is not threatening in the slightest. No. It's just this like you could punt it. That's exactly what I'm thinking.
01:23:20
Speaker
and be perfectly safe. Like that's what I'm saying. So yeah. But then he is clearly like freaked out, grabs his flashlight and he bolts. He sprints away. And this is where he runs up to find the grandparents in their car.
01:23:36
Speaker
Now dead. Oh, okay. Okay. So then he's, right. Didn't they die like out in front of the house? They died in their car. Right, but like, they had left. But to me, where the car was parked from the scene that I saw, it looks like they had like, they were parked in front of like a big brick wall, like just a white painted, whitewashed brick wall. So I thought they were already at the store and that they died in their car at the store or something. Like, I don't know. Okay. I don't know.
01:24:06
Speaker
So back in the house, Victoria is staring into the fireplace when daddy long neck comes in telling Victoria, he always knew she would settle down in a quiet town. Okay. Okay. She turns around and says, this was supposed to be an introduction, a chance for them all to meet and spend Christmas together.
01:24:24
Speaker
So they haven't met before. No. And the dad goes, what? So you can meet that guy you decided to marry without consulting us or telling anyone? Like that is how most new age proposals tend to go. Not your fucking business. Yeah. Sorry. Like if my family came to me was like, um, I don't think you should marry this person for these many reasons. That's a different story. But being like, you didn't consult us. You didn't consult us on this person.
01:24:51
Speaker
Yeah. He didn't ask for a dowry either, so sorry. Exactly. So the dad then goes, you've been cooped up in this house doing clearly what you don't want to do. Do you have any interest in this family whatsoever? Okay. Family, Victoria replies. That's rich coming from you as the mother enters the room. Never know her name. She's just mom. Okay. Okay.
01:25:23
Speaker
Victoria then says, tell me, is this everyone or are we waiting on someone else? How's our brother nowadays? Have you heard from him lately? And the mother is just like, that's enough everyone, we need to stop this, okay? And Victoria goes, should we go ask his mother? You know the one you sent away?
01:25:45
Speaker
What? Okay. And her sister's just like. The screen lit eggnog. So I don't know if the dad's been like, had an affair and had another kid or he had a kid before he had these two and like, just no idea. No fucking clue. We never find out what that is. And daddy long neck is just kind of like, the mom is like,
01:26:06
Speaker
Oh, oh, damn, like, oh no, my John, my stuff, right? And he's like, you're mad at me. And that's okay. I probably deserve it, but that's no reason to throw your life away. And what's sad is you don't even see it. Look around you. It's no photos of a life before this event. Artworks, no paintings, no plans, no memories. Don't you find it a little odd? He told you that he killed his father when he was nine, right?
01:26:34
Speaker
Or did he, or that he stabbed his mother in the face over and over again? Now she's sitting in a psych ward in Bristol? And it's amazing that you can, oh it's amazing what you can find out when you do a little research. Christmas Eve massacre, or that's what the papers call it, house murder, or house of murdered guests, uh, donned in their finest silks. That's that whole spiel he just went on, okay? Uh-huh. Okay? Uh-huh. And Victoria the whole time is like,
01:27:04
Speaker
She didn't know any of this? She didn't know any of this? I mean, but she was like, how come we never talked to your family? And he's like, you know why? And she's like, I do know why. Tell me again. Tell me again, and then he doesn't. And he's like, I've never kept anything from you. And I'm like, yeah. Your whole fucking life, apparently. I don't know. I don't know. You've only shown up for three months. Why would you even have the time to tell someone about that?
01:27:29
Speaker
so the mother tries to cut it again and she's like we just didn't know how to tell you this and Victoria looks absolutely distraught and her dad is like he keeps doing this like push up his glasses thing like the like the middle finger push he just keeps pushing up his glasses every time he talks to her it's like it's like a point and i'm like what are you doing okay stop threatening me like with your glasses anyway
01:27:56
Speaker
He says, if I'm guilty, I'm guilty of trying to protect my little girl. I'm being fair. Sure. Nick stumbles his way into the house, calling out for them all, telling them that they're in danger. Daddy Long Neck comes out yelling at him, it's okay. And Nick says there's a killer out there and they need to leave now. And this is where I was hoping the movie would go where they think that Nick's the one killing everyone. But that immediately like, it's whatever. Okay, we'll get there. Okay.
01:28:23
Speaker
And they're like, where's Jeremiah? And Nick says that they were out there, they were walking and he attacked me. But then he was attacked by this little thing, this little elf. And Tiffany picks up the little doll, the little elf thing, and she's like, this one? And he's like, what? Why is that here? I'm not out there murdering no one. Like I don't fucking know.
01:28:49
Speaker
And Victoria approaches him and she's like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't notice this, but I'm going to support you through this. It's okay. We got, we're going to get you the help you need. And she says, but we're in this together, but right now I just need to make sure that you won't hurt anybody else. So I was like, Oh, okay. So they think he did it. I would assume too. Right. But like the sisters like, where's my husband? Where's Jeremiah?
01:29:14
Speaker
I don't know. I would have been like, where is he a bitch? Like, I just, I would have lost my shit, you know? Like, fucking anyway. So, especially hearing, you just, what? You murdered people when you were nine? Like, I just, he looks to daddy long neck and says, you told him to attack me. And he's like,
01:29:33
Speaker
I don't know what you're talking about. And Victoria's like, okay, let's just get you upstairs, honey. So they go upstairs, right? Okay. And Tiffany wants to know where Jeremiah is again. And daddy long neck says that he'll go out looking for him. And he goes to put on his coat when they hear a doorbell and he goes, oh, that's gotta be Jeremiah now. You are not prepared for this. I don't think I'm ready. Probably Jeremiah House. There's a cute house.
01:29:59
Speaker
But as you can see, there's no one there. There's no one outside, okay? There's no one there, okay? Ooh, yes, okay.
01:30:24
Speaker
So that I think is the people she invited that she was gonna be like, oh, if I invite Christmas carolers, nickels start to feel the holiday spirit or something, I don't know. Not those ones. I know, not those, no, not at all. Also, I'm pretty sure you don't have to pay for the rights to use Christmas music in your song or in your movies. Like pick a silent night. Yeah, pick any. If it's in a hymn book, you're probably fine. Right, but instead they chose
01:30:53
Speaker
to write their own song which is be the light the joy within be the light
01:31:06
Speaker
Okay, so Daddy Long Neck is like, the fuck are you people doing here, right? And he's like, I'm sorry, but I need to go out and look for my son-in-law. Oh yeah, he did say son-in-law. So you guys, like I need you all to leave and stuff, right? And the very flamboyant one, you know which one.
01:31:26
Speaker
says, no, we came a long way to get out here and we're gonna sing one more song. And the dad was like, okay, fucking fine. Like, go ahead, sing your song, right? Because they were like, we came all the way out here. They keep talking that this is all in the middle of fucking nowhere. But like,
01:31:42
Speaker
where are they no no idea no idea okay but like so this has to be the people she invited but who invites christmas carolers to come sing to their house also she's over here talking about how like no one in this town is under the age of 90 and there's like young people they're like in their 20s 30s like they're young like they're
01:32:02
Speaker
so okay she heard the only young people in town right so then this happens that's the last clip that i took i'm so sorry i'm thank you so sorry i struggled i i hurt through this one a lot so yes thank you
01:32:21
Speaker
Oh, yes. Okay. So the Christmas carolers demand to sing another song and then Christmas lights start to wrap around their feet and around their necks and just start like ripping people this way and ripping people that way. Dragging them across the ground. Dragging them across the ground. People are screaming, they're running and stuff. Also, isn't there not supposed to be a massive snow storm keeping the family locked in the house? Sure is. They had to get supplies for it and everything.
01:32:51
Speaker
on foot, what are you talking about? Exactly. So they are dying, right? And they start sparking. One girl has the cord around her neck and just liquid, not blood, just some kind of liquid just comes gushing out of her neck as if it was supposed to be blood. From like every direction. Yeah, from her neck, just like everywhere. Other people are getting electrocuted. The very flamboyant one with the big mouth.
01:33:20
Speaker
He's like, no, no, oh no. As he's looking back and forth in a panic and then looks up for some reason, it's not like he even heard the sound or whatever, but he looks up and there's the elf sitting on the roof ledge and drops the fakest.
01:33:36
Speaker
A luster of icicles? I love how it wasn't even like a menacing icicle. It was literally like four inches of icicle. And the only icicle to exist on the roof at all. And it like just detaches, slides down, like bumps on the other part of the roof. And my favorite though is the subtitles say screams, but you clearly heard a static of
01:34:04
Speaker
Yup. That wasn't a scream. No. But the subtitles say scream. Anyway, you hear the slice as the parents just like shut the door. No. Yup. Okay. They just shut the door. Yup. Upstairs, Victoria stands in silence with Nick and I guess having not heard any of the screaming outside and the power just randomly goes out, Nick stands up and he goes to the window where he touches, like he puts his hand on the, on the window frame, but there's like a garland of string lights right there, right? He touched it.
01:34:32
Speaker
right oh and they light up and he's like pulls his hand away he's like whoa and he touches him again they turn back on and he's like that's so weird and stuff right did you know you can actually do that with static electricity yeah that's dope yeah i don't know you can do that if they're unplugged and you have static electricity you can touch christmas lights and they'll light up oh that's cool i want to try that
01:34:51
Speaker
So he then, as he's raising his hand to touch this, he sees the mark on his arm again. And the way this would have been done so much easier if they had picked a image
01:35:07
Speaker
printed it off a dozen times on um like the sticker like you're like the the fake tattoo paper transfer paper the transfer paper the way that would be so much easier and cheaper to do and more realistic looking uh-huh is what they should have done no instead they have him
01:35:25
Speaker
moving his arm and you watch the image slightly delayed as he's not tracking very well. I should have taken a clip of it, but it didn't. So anyway, it's not that important, but he's like, oh no, as he's looking at the mark,
Climactic Confrontation
01:35:40
Speaker
right?
01:35:40
Speaker
Nick turns and shows Victoria and she's finally starting to believe him. And he says that when he was young, his grandfather used to tell him about the toy elf, the keeper of children's souls, he says. Oh, the townspeople were so afraid of him, they created a curfew and anyone caught after dawn, after dawn, the story goes that a while, he says, okay,
01:36:03
Speaker
Let me read this like he did, okay? The townspeople were so afraid of him, they created a curfew. And anyone caught after Dawn? The story goes that a wild hunt was started by supernatural creatures led by an evil demagogue. And their main objective is to take souls and bring them down to the underworld for sport. And if you saw them, you're cursed unless you bargain to help them. Victoria asks,
01:36:34
Speaker
And Nick pulls up the piece of paper again, full palms it. And he shows her and she asks why some of the names are scratched out. Cause now some of the names are scratched out, right? He says he thinks his grandfather decided to help them by sealing the souls of little kids inside of a wooden box. And they gifted him something that would help him do it. She gives him the paperback and says, this is all too much for her to handle. Did any of that make sense?
01:37:04
Speaker
No. Not a single word that came out of their mouth made any sense. No. From one word to the next, the sentence.
01:37:13
Speaker
This is the most incoherent piece of bullshit. And Shannon, I can do it. I can do it, Shannon. I can write a movie. You can. I could do this, Shannon. They made this a movie. This is on? Tooby? Tooby! There's a budget! They paid, there was money put into this movie. They had money. Someone gave them money. They paid the actors. I mean, maybe not. I hope, maybe not. Maybe they all just were like, yeah, money, money, money.
01:37:45
Speaker
downstairs mom and dad and sister hear the elf's wicked giggle before something is thrown at the window and they look outside to see a perfectly made fake ass like uh fuck what's it called fiberglass that's what it looks like to me is it's it's that perfectly kind of plastic but not like not like a plastic snowman it looks like they definitely formed it themselves and i was like that's where a big part of their budget went to
01:38:09
Speaker
The rest is the fake snow that they occasionally blow around. They couldn't even CGI snow on the ground. It's just a still image of the house and just Photoshop snow and just a little bit of coming down. No, they couldn't have done that. So Daddy Long Neck takes a flashlight as he goes to go check the fuse box and mom and sister just keep looking out the window and they just keep looking out the window this whole fucking time while dad is in the garage for six minutes.
01:38:37
Speaker
of this movie so he's in the but he i don't okay i think it's a garage because there was a garage door okay but it's clearly storage in here and there are so many chairs stacked in this garage there's so many chairs okay and just anyway okay so he's spends a good three minutes of the
01:38:59
Speaker
maybe two, looking around with the flashlight and looking around and looking around with the flashlight, looking around with the flashlight, Shannon, looking around with the flashlight, Shannon. Okay. That would have been light enough. That's right, Shannon. Yes. So he finds the fuse boxes. He starts like trying to click the fuses over and stuff. And he's startled by a noise and starts looking around again. And like, this goes on for another minute of like the suspense trying to build up. And we hear that,
01:39:34
Speaker
And I'm like, what the fuck are you even talking about, little elf? What are you saying that you are constantly speaking? Right. Okay? That straight up would be me being here. He startled by a noise in the house and he continues to look for this thing attempting to build up suspense. The whispers are intensifying as the elf rushes forward and stares at his legs.
01:39:55
Speaker
In Latin. Yeah. Okay. Is it a spell? I don't know. He's just chanting in Latin. Okay. Okay. So he does. He runs forward, stabs the dad in the leg with a screwdriver. Okay. And the dad falls down as he's like, oh no, as he pulls the screwdriver out and he again.
01:40:15
Speaker
He goes on for so long! Okay so he starts to crawl back towards the house and finally the elf sneaks up on him again and the dad sees it for the first time and it draws its knife and it charges at him and he just kind of starts stabbing him over and over again while snarling. He's able to shove it away and somehow ends up outside
01:40:38
Speaker
K, where he finds Jeremiah's dead body and he runs back into the house, stumbling inside as the others go to him and stuff, right? And the music is too fucking loud to really hear him, but he just starts saying, Jeremiah, okay, but here's the thing, he walks outside, looks down and sees Jeremiah just like sitting there, just like his body kind of sitting with snow just blowing on his face. So he clearly looks like he's like frozen out there, okay?
01:41:06
Speaker
And that's it. You see Jeremiah with snow blowing all over him. Okay. He stumbles inside as he tells them that Jeremiah is in the snowman. He's the snowman outside. What? No, the fuck he isn't. He is not here. Okay.
01:41:35
Speaker
Oh, anyway, so Victoria and Nick run downstairs and they are like, oh my gosh, oh no. And they hear then the elf start. They're like, what? And so they go to like go into the garage or whatever, but the elf stabs his little knife out underneath the door and it's like, I do it, I do it, I do it, I do it. As he's like slashing it back and forth. Somebody punt this thing, please. And they're all like, oh no, it's real. Over the door. Right?
01:42:02
Speaker
Okay, yeah, I know, they just, anyway. So they then hear, okay, so for some reason, instead of like going to any of the doors, they try to open a window that clearly cannot be, like my middle back window is a solid window, okay?
01:42:22
Speaker
They are trying to open a solid window and they keep being like, it's just like stuck or something. Like it doesn't open. It's just glass. It doesn't open. Okay.
01:42:35
Speaker
And so they instead turn their attention to Daddy Long Neck, who is, and they're trying to tend to his wounds and stuff. And the mom finds this huge ass knife and says that she needs to go find more bandages. And since Nick lives here, says, oh, I'll go get them. And she turns the knife on him and she says, no, you stay, you've done enough. I mean, yeah, I guess he technically started whatever curse this was by reading from the fucking thing, but they don't know that. No.
01:43:04
Speaker
as far as they're aware some fucking evil thing is just around their house like yeah why you think he did that he's not the elf right but as this is going on they also hear the elf scrambling through the walls like and I don't like that no so anyway
01:43:20
Speaker
She goes upstairs, and even though she's never been in this house looking for bandages, when the elf rushes at her and slices the tendon on her ankle, and then just keeps bolting off, right? That's the worst thing he's done in the whole thing. I know, okay. He then comes back and attacks her, slicing away, but she's able to just shake him off, and she's like, and then he's just gone. He just disappears.
01:43:42
Speaker
He doesn't run away, nothing, he just disappears. So she starts looking through the drawers of this house that she's never been in before, that her daughter lives. Anyway, she finds a staple gun and thinks that's better than the huge ass knife she's carrying.
01:43:57
Speaker
She looks up hearing Victoria's phone ringing and we see that it's Skye. Skye's calling her back, right? And Skye's sitting in the drive-thru of some fast food restaurant and it's like, answer your phone. And the girl in the drive-thru goes, can I take your order? And she's like, hang on a minute.
01:44:17
Speaker
Victoria oh my gosh answer your ding phone and the girl's like ma'am I need to take your order and she says hello bitch. Give me a minute damn Bitch, you're in my drive-through. Yeah be like fucking drive away then get off your get out Yeah, I just oh no. No. Oh, yeah, so the mom answers the phone breathlessly and she's like
01:44:48
Speaker
Oh, but Skye, when she hears this, right, she's like, what? Hello? And she's like, Skye, there's a fucking killer on the loose in the house. And Skye's like, what does he look like? And the mob replies, one foot, one foot, two inches?
01:45:08
Speaker
And Skye's like, what? But the mom goes, Skye, listen, don't let that son of a bitch leave this house and then hangs up on her. Not call the police, send the police here. Don't let him leave the house. Don't let him leave the house, okay?
01:45:25
Speaker
Sky immediately thinks it's Nick, yelling about Amityville Horror again. And the mom goes back to hunting down the elf as we see it rise up under the bed covers only to like vanish again suddenly. And then he appears above her, but he covers her in a red sheet and ties her up like she's at present. Downstairs, Daddy Long Neck dies in Victoria's arms for way too long. That went on way too long. Nick is looking at the naughty list.
01:45:50
Speaker
full-palming it, telling Victoria another name has been etched off. And she asks if there's anything else on the naughty list. Was there anything else with it or whatever? And he mentions the ability to erase one of the names on the list. And he then thinks that the reason the ledger from earlier in the movie was blank was because his grandpa never finished it. Like you said before. Yeah, we covered that.
01:46:14
Speaker
All of the people in this town are children. Victoria Scoss asking if the Wild Hunt is here to kill all the townspeople. He says no, they're descendants to finish off the cycle. Their minds never changed, but their bodies got old. That's why the old man in the car was acting so weird.
01:46:36
Speaker
To me, this feels like a D&D campaign where the players are literally trying to figure it out themselves when the DM is just like, there's a curse on this town. And they're like, oh, the children are being raped. And the DM's like, no. They have no idea. They are guessing the fuck out of this, okay? Absolutely guessing the fuck out of this, okay?
01:47:03
Speaker
I missed, that kinda explains why the carolers were the way they were. But they were young! Yeah, but if they have the mind of a child. But they're young people, they're not old. Well, they're descendants. I guess, but like, there's no other young people in the village. I just have no idea. I don't know. I don't know. And Victoria says that means that Nick is next. And if the hunt doesn't end, it'll just keep going. You said he wasn't from here, though! I don't know.
01:47:30
Speaker
Yeah, Victoria looks at the list again and sees there's two names left on it. She suddenly goes, mom, and rushes upstairs. Too late. And they enter the room, okay? And they're like, mom, mom, and again, okay? The elf is one thing sitting up on that shelf a little bit high, okay? There is this huge ass box gift wrapped now. It's not just the mom in a red sheet with a bow.
01:47:56
Speaker
that says to Santa on it. I didn't mention that, it says to Santa. She's in a box now, gift wrapped. Like human sized box. And they're like, what's this? Oh, I did forget to mention right before the dad dies, okay? The sister sneaks out a door and shuts the door, okay?
01:48:18
Speaker
We never see her again. We never see her again. She lives, I guess, because they never show her dying. They never show anything happening to her. I thought if they opened the box, the sister would tumble out or something. But like, no.
01:48:33
Speaker
Okay, so Victoria goes to open it, while Nick suddenly starts like, and like falls to his knees, like he's having another night terror or something, right? Like he's having another vision, but we don't get to see what the vision is and stuff, right? Well, suddenly Victoria, like as she's trying to open the box,
01:49:08
Speaker
Yeah, the you version. Yeah. Anyway, but a blade just like, the mom's knife just stabs up through the box, okay? As like, you know, like I think gremlins mostly when I hear these kind of sounds, you know, yeah. And she like, oh no, my arm kind of thing, right? As the blade just kind of like keeps slashing a little bit and then starts cutting itself out of the box because it's inside the box because it wrapped itself inside the, I have no idea, okay? Okay.
01:49:22
Speaker
I don't know what happened to my notes here.
01:49:38
Speaker
So wait, is the mom in the box? I don't know. We'd never see the mom again. I don't know. The box was just there. Okay. So the whispers return. Nick is in another one of his fits, practically comatose. And Victoria is trying to get him up to get him to come out, but he's way too heavy for her to carry. So she unfortunately just has to leave him, right? Because I'm sorry, I'm gonna.
01:50:00
Speaker
Like, I love you three months though. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, you know? Yeah. And he's clearly comatose. Like, there's nothing I can do right now. Anyway, so yeah, Victoria leaves and she flees. And the elf follows her downstairs where she's like digging through drawers, trying to find a weapon when he like launches at her. And every single one of these, every time the elf attacks, it's one of these. Ah! No!
01:50:25
Speaker
like holding the doll and like making it attack you and stuff and yeah so that's what's happening here and my favorite though is that like this thing clearly has to be fucking strong if it's if this thing was coming at me yeah like bye like yeah fucking look like just kobe let's go and yeah i just
01:50:46
Speaker
Okay, so he launches at her, slashing at her and stuff. Again, she manages to get away and she hides herself in the bathroom. And then she's just, what do you want from me? And it stabs through the door right by her head. So she's like, oh no. And the CGI right here was actually not too bad. So like it's, it's clearly stabbing through the door, but it's not CGI. But it was, this part wasn't too bad. I thought that was the best CGI of the movie.
01:51:11
Speaker
let's see but that scene goes on for a whole damn minute of like it trying to like jiggle the handle and stuff and like you know yeah and suddenly the door just like swings open and she's like
01:51:25
Speaker
and gets up to go out. She's like, hello, Nick? Thinking Nick's there. If it was Nick, he'd have just, what are you doing? Are you okay? There's holes in the door. But no, so she steps out. The elf is right the fuck above her. And it attacks her again, right? She's screaming for help, okay?
01:51:45
Speaker
And then Nick suddenly arrives out of nowhere as he grabs the doll and he wrestles it to the ground before punching it in the face a few times, smashing its porcelain face in, okay? Okay. And Victoria cheering him on to kill it! Kill that motherfucking piece of shit! Kill it! Okay. Right? I mean, sure, but... Okay, alright. Okay. I started.
01:52:13
Speaker
So he drags her from the bathroom and they go downstairs and I guess they aren't able to get the front door open because they go to the front door for a second, but they mostly just like throw themselves at the door and like grab the handle and then they're like, like stumble around. So they go again to the window that doesn't open. And there's like a fuck ton of Christmas stuff right in front of this window. They're not moving boxes or anything. They are leaning over this stuff to get to it.
01:52:44
Speaker
He then says, okay, are you ready for this? Absolutely not. You're not. Okay. None of you are. Okay. None of you are ready. I was not ready. Okay. I wasn't ready for this. We don't see what Nick sees. Okay. Because otherwise it would have been a good movie. Nick says, what's that emblem? Okay. Okay. As he starts to slowly back away from Victoria and Victoria's like,
01:53:13
Speaker
Okay. Okay. All right? Anyway, I don't know. I had like a whole bunch of like, jack shit, right? She asks, what do you mean, honey? As he stares at her with big eyes. And he's like, how does your parents know how to find this place? I texted them the address. Addresses. GPS. Yeah.
01:53:32
Speaker
Okay. When she punches him in the face with a flashlight, like she just grabs a flashlight. He's getting hit with flashlights on top. Yeah, poor boy. And she says, because you aren't the only one who survived this curse. She hisses and she's trying to yank the naughty list out of his pocket. She says, it's nothing personal, my love. It's only one name can be erased.
01:53:56
Speaker
But she can't find the list, and she demands to know where it is. And he chuckles at her. And she says, oh, you think this is funny? Sort of, he replies, as the elf launches at her from fucking nowhere, just like stabbing at her again. And again, she shoves the doll, and they both are just like crawling across the ground, okay? To get away from this fucking thing, I don't know. It's like two inches tall, just like, anyway. But it's crawling after them, too. Like,
01:54:21
Speaker
It's clearly perfectly fine. It's not injured anymore. It's not having its face smashed in. I don't fucking know. Okay. Okay. Anyway, they managed to rush upstairs and she finds the naughty list and he chases after her and Nick is trying to get the paper from her. And she argues like she's like, baby. Oh, give it back. Ew.
01:54:42
Speaker
Uh-uh, I hate that. She's over here like, stop it, my love. You punched him in the face with a flashlight. Like two seconds ago, you barely kicked him in the balls, basically. What? Okay, so he's trying to get the paper from her and she's like, give it to me, give it to me. And instead he starts to choke her, okay? But she punches him in the throat. She gets the list from him, okay? She drips it away as he's just kinda laying there. And she's just like,
01:55:12
Speaker
like rubbing it down her neck. I didn't understand what my notes were saying there for a second. She's just like, why? Why? Cause this movie was written. Okay. Okay. So it exists in this void of, I don't know. Okay. So the elf chases after them at its viewpoint as Nick's like on the ground cause she, you know, knocked him down and it attacks Nick.
Movie Review Wrap-Up
01:55:40
Speaker
Okay, the next morning, okay, Skye comes to pick up Victoria. Victoria's bloody, she's injured, right? Okay, and Skye is complaining about how she was driving around for like hours before she was able to find this place. They get in the car and Victoria's just like,
01:56:00
Speaker
Let's just go, let's just, let's just leave, right? And the sky goes, well, I got her something. It's a little cheap, but I knew she'd like it. Like kind of weird, huh? It's a little creepy as she holds up the fucking elf doll. Yeah. Merry Christmas, she says, as Victoria just kind of like, the end. What? The end. Of that movie. Of that movie that I watched.
01:56:29
Speaker
2.4 was generous actually 2.4 wow okay so was their whole relationship a ruse i have no idea any question you ask me i have no idea if they're part of the curse why is the elf trying to kill them not a single question was answered only more were created yes like
01:56:59
Speaker
Okay. What? I don't know. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think- I think this is the longest one we've ever recorded. Yeah, I think so. I tore apart literally every second. I think an eight year old wrote this. No, an eight year old wouldn't come up with such a convoluted nonsense plan. It would be way better. So she was, so she had- I have no idea. In theory, she had the symbol as well. In theory, she had maybe the symbol.
01:57:28
Speaker
And she killed her whole family by bringing them into this. I guess. She looked very distraught when her dad died, so. And if they're just coming here and just inheriting this thing, how did she get cursed? Unless she was like in the same building. I have no idea.
01:57:49
Speaker
Makes no sense. None of this movie makes any sense. Did you read any of the reviews? No, I was scared. There's 2500 reviews. Good concept, bad execution. No, what concept? No, it was your concept.
01:58:04
Speaker
No, okay, the concept of the elf on the shelf being evil and killing you. My elf on the shelf would be a family like moving to a new house or something and their kids are upset because they don't get to be with their friends and family for Christmas or some shit. So they're out shopping and the mom finds an old weird ass creepy elf doll and is like, oh, and they're struggling for money or some shit. I don't fucking know. And she's like, ooh, this is like a dollar. It's like an elf on the shelf or some shit.
01:58:30
Speaker
Okay, and then it starts trying to murder the parents and the kids. That's my concept. This one says one out of 10 should have been porn. Should have been porn, yeah. I thought she was in porn. The main actress, like, yeah. It's a Christmas freaking classic. As in, like, cult classic? Like, people are gonna think this is so fucking funny? I don't know. Who are the 13 people rating this as seven?
01:58:55
Speaker
Shocking and not in a good way. Boring. Very slow and bad. More Botox than script writing. The only things that weren't believable in this movie, why couldn't girl hit the bong before making the phone call?
01:59:10
Speaker
Guy gets sealed on his arm but doesn't tell his girlfriend until an hour later. No, I mean, yeah. Girl pulls freshly baked cookies out of the oven and somehow they're perfectly iced without the icing melting. Major snowstorm coming but everyone is outside in t-shirts. Girl is dating a guy that hasn't, is it she hasn't googled yet? No one tries to defend themselves against the elf. And Guy approaches body-shaped things particularly covered in snow and is shocked that it's an actual person.
01:59:40
Speaker
literally the worst movie I've ever seen like okay like the concept of this movie is so bad I almost think that doll face had a better plot yeah at least that was like there's a story there there's a story there yeah this one there it had a beginning a middle and an end it was weird it was so weird
02:00:09
Speaker
Yep. But there was plot! There was lore! What was the rating of Dollface? That is the question. That is the question. 2.0. I would say that the plot is terrible, but for that to be true, that would need to be a cohesive plot. Yeah. This is more like the actors and crew were all allowed to write one script involving topics Christmas Horror and Elf Doll once they were written, they were all thrown into a fishbowl.
02:00:34
Speaker
They were drawn in random glue onto pieces of paper with a purple glue stick where most of the budget went and used as loose suggestions for scene improvised in various random locations. Yeah, that covers it. Yeah. There's a sequel. Yeah. That's the worst part. It's called El's plural, not singular. Okay.
02:00:57
Speaker
So yep, anyway, we're at two hours, 38 minutes. Holy shit. Let's go home. This is gonna take forever. I'm sorry. Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. We love you. We don't seem like it, but we do. Yeah, but we do. And we'll see you next time. Have a great time. Have a great time! Thank you guys so much for listening to this week's episode. Let us know what you think by leaving a comment or sending us an email at bmoviebashpodcast at gmail.com.
02:01:23
Speaker
You can listen to our episodes on all your favorite podcast platforms, including Spotify, Stitcher, Google, Apple, Amazon Music, and Audible, or you can find the video versions on our YouTube channel. If you want to support the podcast, you can find our coffee link on our anchor page. Make sure to like, subscribe, and tell your friends!
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