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Tumblereads 21: How to Ruin a Kiss in 10 Ways
6 Plays9 minutes ago
Ingrid challenges the Smut Report team to come up with 10 ways authors can ruin a kiss.
Show notes at smutreport.com/podcast.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Tumble Reads
00:00:00
Speaker
na na na that's my report hello and welcome to tumble reads where we tumble through books like weeds the kind of weeds that tumble the tumbling of the tumbling variety i should we start singing that song that you know that the drifting along like that I don't know that song, but now I think you it's like to text it to us. Oh, okay. It's like ah this old, ah I don't actually know all the words, but it's like like super old Western cowboy kind of song. could hear the Western in your... About the Tumbling Tumbleweeds. I could hear yeah I'll see if I can find a recording. I'll put it in the show notes so you guys don't have to listen to me sing.
00:00:46
Speaker
No, I liked it better
Joking About Singing and Leadership
00:00:47
Speaker
that way, actually. um Anyway, i I am your fearless and confident leader, Ingrid. I'm Holly, who will never sing on this podcast again. You're welcome. I said that last time you sang on the podcast. Wait, sung on the podcast before? It's kind of a thing now. You tumble reeds, tumble reeds, and then you're like, I'm never going to say that ever again. ah God damn it. Yeah.
00:01:12
Speaker
I think you should just embrace this part. I think you should. At at this point, it's a thing now. you're the resident singer. so Oh, man. Which is surprising because normally that would be Ingrid who makes up all the songs. It's true.
00:01:25
Speaker
But apparently not here. all right. So Ingrid, our fearless leader. No, wait. that's Aaron. Before we tumble reads all the way off the mountain. That is Aaron talking. You didn't introduce yourself. You forgot to say.
00:01:36
Speaker
Oh, I'm Aaron. Thank you. Hi. Welcome. least I didn't say I was Ingrid this time. Ingrid, our fearless leader. were What are we talking about today? All right. I'm really excited for this one because i i Because I apparently i like to talk about I like to I like to nitpick. This is what I've decided.
00:01:55
Speaker
um So anyway, we we we recently did one for how to ruin a black moment
What Ruins a Kiss?
00:02:00
Speaker
in 10 ways. And that was so much fun that I thought we would do the same thing with how to ruin a kiss in 10 ways.
00:02:10
Speaker
Are you ready for this? Yes. So same rules as before, much like how to lose a guy in 10 days, quintessential. two is it 90s or 2000s classic movie um where you know it's just this one moment or this one whatever the as it has to be i would imagine so it's just not it's not like um the colors aren't quite neon enough for the 90s anyway um Point being, it has to just be a knee-jerk thing, a snapshot moment. It can't be like, you know, this elaborate setup. It has to be like, you're reading along, minding your own business, and then kabam, they ruin it. And face goes like... And you go, ugh. Yeah. So we did Black Moment, which was very cerebral and literary of us, but now we're going to get really ridiculous. And I just want to know, like, you've been waiting.
00:03:00
Speaker
The characters are going to, you know... kiss, go in for the kill, the kiss, and then something happens and it's like, it's ruined. So i as your fearless ah will, will give you the first one that I came up with that I read recently.
Awkward Kissing Descriptions
00:03:15
Speaker
And it was this.
00:03:16
Speaker
yeah So they're, they're kissing, right? They go from lips closed to mouths open and she absolutely loves the way that he takes his tongue and he swipes top to bottom down the inside of one cheek and then goes over to the inside of the other cheek and swipes top to bottom Kind of, it read kind of like, kind of like if you had like a popcorn kernel stuck or something. Like, you know that like little bit, like he was trying, it looks, it read to me like he was trying to get the popcorn kernel off the inside. No, no, no, no, no. So, um yes, that's my first one. It was just, it was very swipe, swipe, and she really liked it. But I just kept picturing, like, what it would look like from the outside. Like, if his, you know?
00:04:13
Speaker
And also, like, how just how long is this guy's tongue? Because, like, I don't know. it just It just seemed like I just spent way too long sitting there thinking about the whole mechanics it. Maybe she has really mouth. Maybe, but then, like, can you imagine? it just – I don't want to. But anyway, the point is I'm going to call that one tongue-in-cheek. Get it?
00:04:35
Speaker
Oh, I love this too much. Too much. All right. So you guys lay it on me. why Okay. Well, I was going to start with my classic example, which is the phrase – The delve of his tongue yeah into the moist aperture the min of her mouth.
00:04:56
Speaker
The classic phrase. I was like, I know where this is going. Like, it's just... aperture. Oh, my God. ah And that's not describing something gross. It's just the way, just, like, the way that that's written. It's just, like... it's It sticks with you. really stays with you.
00:05:13
Speaker
It really does. I read that book... Like five years ago, at least. I don't remember what book it was, but I remember that phrase.
00:05:23
Speaker
What a thing to have stick with you forever. um that That one, I could see why that would stick stick with you. yeah um Okay. But then also, um is what is similar to the tongue in cheek, there's one I read where like they ran their tongue like all over all the teeth. like oh and Oh, no. no yeah What is this Tonguing business I mean I think basically it's just gonna be a list of ten gross things call that one the dental hygienist Yes
00:05:57
Speaker
let See, I even get a little, I get de egg when the tongue shoves, this is like related to the delving, I guess, except for even worse descriptively. It's when the tongue is like, oh, he shoved his tongue into her
Criticism of Romantic Tropes
00:06:14
Speaker
mouth or between her lips or something. I'm like... First all, I think that it's really difficult to talk about a tongue in a sexy way all.
00:06:23
Speaker
yeah Very rarely does literally saying the word tongue work for me. And like licking lips, I'm always like, what are you doing? Don't steal mine, Erin, because my next... Okay, don't steal mine. was going to say, but yeah, specifically when it's like... Like shoving the tongue Shoving the tongue between the seam of lips. I'm like...
00:06:46
Speaker
How is that fun? Well, because shoving, don't you kind of picture like, you know, you know, when you, this is what I picture, you know, when you're putting away Tupperware in the cabinet and if you don't like really shove it back really hard, really fast and then close the cabinet door really fast, it's all going come tumbling out. That's what I'm picturing, right? Like, He's like, I got to get that in there. It's going to fall out.
00:07:08
Speaker
You know, like that kind of a thing. It's that kind of just shove is just not the right. i don't know why it it just is the wrong word. It's too aggressive. Anyway, the one that I had that I didn't want Aaron to steal from me was um this. Actually, I feel like it's pretty common. I don't know why it ruins it for me. You guys can argue with me on this one if you want to. But it's where they're kissing closed mouth. Right. so like lips are closed ish, you know, and in and he And usually it's he, but I've read it both ways. um They kind of like knock knock for French kissing by taking their tongue and like um wiping it across the seam. Yeah. Where it's like...
00:07:48
Speaker
Like across the front and it's like open sesame and then it's like a supposed to be like an indicator like I would like to stick my tongue in your mouth now. But it's always it's never like just a gentle like flick or like here's my tongue. You want a French kiss? It's like from one side of the mouth all the way across to the other side. That's what it always sounds like. It's like a Ziploc entry, you know, like trying to like, you know, those zippers, like I have to do the whole, like from corner to corner of your mouth in order to to open your mouth all the way. It's like that. do you know what i mean? You know, that's what i don't like what I always think of when I read that is, and y'all, the fact that we couldn't even, you could like throw a book, any one of my thousand romance books on the floor and probably find this phrase, right?
Realism vs. Novel Kisses
00:08:31
Speaker
And it's like, I don't know.
00:08:34
Speaker
Have you ever... had a kiss open or closed mouth that that is what happens like I feel like if you're going for a longer kiss your lips kind of naturally part you I've never okay i I've never experienced a kiss I don't think Well, to be fair, that is a i i got plenty of kisses in high school, okay?
00:08:57
Speaker
Before I tried it. And kisses in high school are canonically just terrible. always yeah that That would be the time to have these things happen. But, like, I wouldn't... Yes, exactly. So it was like, I've never had a kiss experience where it was like one person had a closed mouth and one person had, like, parted lips. It was always, like, a kind of I don't know synergistic there's like a vibe where it's like either it's closed mouth or your lips are parted and there's like it's soft first and then it kind of gets or you know what I mean it's not like it's not like half and half it always feels when they've author writes this that like and it always started but she's so virginal Erin with the virginal like right know she know she doesn't know exactly or she's resisting
00:09:45
Speaker
Yes, or she's resisting. yeah Right. So that's. But like I said, now that I've branched out from the like Regency romances, I still think I could throw most of my books on the floor and find one of these kisses. So it's just such a weird concept to me. Like, how are these people? It's just is this just a generic verisimilitude issue? But do you know because a romance never or romance wrote it like now all romance writers are thinking it?
00:10:06
Speaker
I don't know. it It could be like, it's just like, yeah, that it's it's part of the ingredients, like crack open the tongue seam slippage and then throw it in. but um But I will say this. I have noticed that in some of the darker, more like gritty romances that I've been reading, one of the things that I do like is that is that in those moments, I'm seeing a lot more heroes where instead of like hinting that they'd like you to open your mouth, they just pull back and they're like, open your mouth. And she's like, okay. Yeah. And for some reason I'm like, I kind of prefer that. Like that's a direct approach, you know, like thank you for not hinting.
00:10:40
Speaker
Right. Or you, or, you know, you like pull the chin down. Yeah. Pull the chin down with the thumb. yeah That one's way better. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like there are ways to do it that aren't like, let's open the Ziploc bag. like Right. Unlocking the Ziploc bag. You don't have to go. Even then, you don't have to go from like all the way across. Do you know what I mean? Just something about that. But you know, strange it's not actually written like all the way across. Remember the debate that we had about licking your lips? And I was like, I feel like the li licking your lips phrase in romance is like a full blown, like full swipe on top and bottom, like gross. And then you sent me that gift that was like the little tongue peak where it's just like peaks out on your bottom lip. I'm like, okay, that's kind of sexy. This whole like toddler licking the chocolate off their face after having an ice cream cone or whatever. No, that is not Gross, gross, gross. Um, so maybe it's just like an interpretation issue, but you can't let go of the visualization because I also feel like it's a Ziploc situation whenever I read it it. never feels like a little tap.
00:11:45
Speaker
Yeah, it's not. Well, because I've read it like that. I've read it where it's like a flip. Ran across. Yeah. Or like, like something like that. That's very different than. what if it's just like across here to here, like, uh, you know.
00:11:56
Speaker
boat bow bow tip to bow tip that's still is that you'd have to do interpreting across as unless you are talking about romantic character who is half like what a dragon mouth like that is that would be like a flick that's still because that amount like you it isn' isn't It doesn't like just really think about. It's just imprecise language. Yeah, it is. It is. But when it's written like that, I dragged my tongue across the seam of her lips.
00:12:25
Speaker
Don't do that. is unlocking a Ziploc bag with a little zipper slider. That's what that is. I'm sorry, but I don't make the rules. That's what it is. I don't disagree with you. i'm Thank you. I'm just playing. the alternative interpretation here yeah okay what about what about I'm gonna go not even physical oh my god I can I just thought of another physical one that grosses me out but whatever uh I was thinking let's not even do physical but ruins a kiss when the relationship has been building to a crash into me kiss and then it's like a sweet little first kiss that ruins for me I'm always like come on we were really gonna have a banger You can't be stoking the fire that much and then just like throw a blanket over it.
00:13:07
Speaker
But what are call that? Let's see. Because I want to call that one a failed sneeze too, but it's not really a failed sneeze. It's like a, I want to call that one an underwhelming first. Yeah. The only thing, so I will say this.
00:13:20
Speaker
Often this ah this happens in like, this is the one that I'm thinking of most famously is there's a couple in Throat of Glass. Mm-hmm. Ahem. It's not the, you know, title couple, but it's ah one of the side couples that inexplicably has just simmering heat. They they do such an amazing job with like their the heat's building. You're dying to see what happens. They're clearly going to crash into each other. And literally it's like it starts and then it's it's like she – it's the equivalent of like, you know, heat. Like she wanted him to consume her and then the – the grand total
Blood in Kissing Scenes
00:13:57
Speaker
of the experience is and so he did oh no terrible and you've been waiting while they're on this journey like trekking through the woods like constantly just simmering in heat for each other and that's it that's exactly what i'm talking about where it's like that's the underwhelming first where you're like no no you owe me a little bit more than that anyway
00:14:19
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, I will say with the under, like, I have had experiences where like, you know, there's somebody that I'm kind of like flirting with for a while and we have a kiss and I'm like, oh, that's not right. Right. But you just know. Yeah. But I did not marry any of those. Right. Right. So like, yeah. Like, those experiences are real and valid and... Oh, yes. Good. Part of the human experience, yeah. Part of the human experience, but not in a romance book. Between your romance. Yeah.
00:14:52
Speaker
I mean, or unless the whole point is that, like, I feel like there are very specific situations where an author can make that work, but it it has to be super intentional. Yeah. Right. yeah Like that's the journey we're going on. Right.
00:15:06
Speaker
But now I have one that you guys probably won't identify with very much Holly. You might, I guess, but you know, with the romantic thing. um So blood is like a common thing in there. There's a lot of that. um And I've been reading a lot, you know, lately and I get what they're doing. I don't like it. And it's ah when usually one of them like accidentally bites the other one's lip when they're making out. Oh my gosh. I hate this. and then but this is that one doesn't bother me so much but what really gets me is when then they smile afterwards and the blood is in their teeth i thought you were going into and then they like lick it yeah no well they do that too and i'm gonna lick it like like it you not that one doesn't but No, that one doesn't bother me as much as it it being in the teeth because there is, you know, at this point in my life, like you go on enough dates worrying about having food in your teeth. And then to like, can you imagine if you were making out with somebody and then you smiled really big and you had like, like stuff in all your teeth would be like, that's not, no thanks. That's why you need the dental hygienist.
00:16:15
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. Those two need to meet up and then problem solved. So anyway, it's not, it's very specific to like romanticity vampire stuff. But when you get the blood in the teeth, I'm like, you, that, maybe you should brush better than that. Yeah, so I feel like if we're getting biting, then either I wanted specific kink, which I'm not sure I've read any blood kink specifically, but otherwise it's like vampire or shifter because there's a lot of biting. Yeah, they do bite a lot. There's a lot of biting in vampire and shifter books, but otherwise like...
Awkward Physical Descriptions
00:16:54
Speaker
no i don't want to don't if somebody bit me hard enough to make me bleed while we were kissing i would be like and we're done right like that yeah i feel unless well the problem is this is why i usually give it a grain of salt ah ah this is why i usually give it a grain salt if they already have fangs because i'm like okay well right no there you go but we're talking about i mean i feel like i've read that before with just regular yeah that's too hard like full-blown contemporary like what are you doing Yeah, I'll just say bloody teeth, bloody kissing.
00:17:26
Speaker
yeah Gross. Yeah, so we only have, guys, we have eight, nine, and ten left. We only have three left because apparently we have strong feelings about this. I was so worried we going able to get that far. Me too. haven't even mentioned sinewy tongues yet. Oh, no, no. that was very specific. That was one book.
00:17:48
Speaker
That was just one one book with very bad But you could tie that together. Very very bad use of language. But but like any sinewy, but also like any book where the tongue is like...
00:18:00
Speaker
is anthropomorphized an appropriate use of this where it's they talk about the tongue like it has a mind of its own you know what i don't yeah have you you know what i'm talking about anything where the tongue is given like basically any motor skills yeah stop talking about tongues they're not sexy there's no love You know, no. I mean, they are. They're fun to play with.
00:18:23
Speaker
Okay. In the right context. But, but like, this is one of those other, I feel like I've mentioned this before on the podcast, if not elsewhere, where it's like, this is one of those things where it's like, okay, in real life, yes. But when you're like using words to describe it, it's just like, Nah.
00:18:39
Speaker
No. Why? That's not a sexy word. Maybe it was during the last time Ingrid was like, let's talk about words and sexy things and how they don't fit together. ah Thanks for stirring up all this, Ingrid. I i like to nitpick sometimes, generally.
00:18:55
Speaker
General nitpicking. I don't like to be fully. We've gotten a lot of physicality and tongue stuff, but what about more linguistic stuff? I feel like I hit a lot of words. We've got a lot of word things too. And that's, I think I just read one and I don't, I didn't highlight it or anything. I was just like...
00:19:10
Speaker
really that's the words you used and then i immediately thought i feel like the like moist story about her mouth thing yeah it like i feel like we can use that as an umbrella for just like using just not the right words for what is happening read your words right read your words somebody else that's not you make sure that you gotta check that more than one opinion that they agree that it's sexy ah yeah very much very much so it's uh it's it and it's a toughie like i i'll you know
00:19:43
Speaker
I being going out on a limb and doing something creative. Like I said, in the the post I wrote it, um, I I'll, I'm trying to give off. it I want to give you all the credit, but excuse me, but, um, tongue shoving Ziploc tongues. I don't let's move away from those things.
Ignoring Realism in Romance
00:19:58
Speaker
Um, You know, okay, I have one that's not, that's more situational than it is. oh Okay, here and here it is. um It's when they have, when they kiss and there is absolutely no possible way that their breath is not rank to the point where like you, it is obvious. Like I can't ignore the fact that you have been
00:20:24
Speaker
camping out in the woods for days eating nothing but dried jerky for days and it's like you talk about how you you're dying for a bath like you know what i'm talking about stuff like that where it's like you've built the discomfort already like you you you can't give context that they're dirty and then have them kiss for the first time and have me not think o Well, okay, that's a choice. You know what I mean? Like, you must really like each other.
00:20:51
Speaker
you know what i'm talking about? Am I the only one who thinks about this stuff? Well, for me, I'm thinking of that book. I'll have to find the title so that Holly can drop it in because I can't remember it off the top of my head. But they were, like, out in the wilderness and they might have had sex for the first time. And they were, like, snowed in in a tent with sleeping bags for, like, 24 hours and just went over and over. And I was like, that sounds crazy.
00:21:16
Speaker
disgusting that's gonna be ripe in there oh yeah like just oh ah ah but that wasn't kissing specifically but i think it's a similar idea just like i cannot get my head out of where you already put us authors this is this is Like it was a fun idea before you put all the other stuff in there. Right. You can't. That's exactly what I'm talking about.
00:21:39
Speaker
If they don't say anything, i won't think about it. I won't. i I could willingly suspend my disbelief. I will pretend that everyone else does like does not have morning breath. I have zero issue with it. But if you literally just say that the heroin smells bad and then they go to town, I'm going to be thinking in the back of my head. ooh and she stinks. You know what i mean? Mm hmm.
00:22:00
Speaker
So you can't give me that context and then have me not think about that later. I don't care how good the kiss is. I'm going to be thinking about it. So that one going to call you smell and we know it.
00:22:11
Speaker
We only have one left, guys. This was too easy. This was low-hanging fruit. I had no idea this was going to be too easy. We had so many feelings about it, though. know. Holly, you have to have one. Well, I'm trying to, I'm thinking about it. I'm like... I had one, but I lost it it. Okay, what if... Oh, no. It was another kind of situational one.
00:22:31
Speaker
Oh, okay. Well, this might not ruin it for you, but it ruins it for me. So, you know the pretty woman kiss where it's like nothing on the mouth and then that makes the eventual kiss so much more meaningful? Yeah, I hate that. It worked once.
00:22:49
Speaker
And i would rather the author doesn't explicitly say it out loud.
Depicting Intimacy and Tension
00:22:55
Speaker
And then the kiss has punch afterward, then have it be like this pretty woman tie in where the other characters are explicitly like, not on the mouth because kissing on the mouth is too meaningful for me. There is one book. Oh man. And I'm not goingnna remember what it is because I don't think I wrote it down, but there was one book where the character like never kissed anyone because kissing was so important.
00:23:17
Speaker
but have lots So sex they have lots of sex, but it was like, it was, it was like pretty, the pretty woman situation, but like on another level. Right. Because it wasn't, just you know oh this is my rule with john's or one night stands or whatever it was like no they had been dating for a while and still no kisses um so that was like i feel that was like super extra because it was so intimate kissing is so much more intimate than sex which then made me think of holly that one post that you wrote and somebody was like wait and you were like well kissing has to be intimate We're tying in a lot of posts to this one. Yeah. Well, no, I'm just thinking about, though, you know, it's like I feel like the only way to make it work is to, like, be super explicit that you're doing Pretty Woman. Right? Right. Or, like, at the end of Glitterland, when –
00:24:06
Speaker
What's his face is apologizing. And he's like, i'm just a boy standing in front of. That's Notting Hill. Right. No, I know. But. but Right. He's just doing the thing. And. Yeah. And the guy responds like, oh, I love that movie. And he's like. Yeah. Yeah. Right? That's what I'm saying. Like, I feel like if an author did it like that, that would be more okay. Right? Where they're like, being I'm being really overt about this rather than like, like, I'm saying it, but I'm not pushing it so far that everybody knows it. Like all the characters know that they're doing a pretty women thing too.
00:24:45
Speaker
Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yes yeah I don't know. what do you guys think about it? Cause I, I'm always like, oh okay. Here we, here we're doing this. so I haven't read that one that often. I really haven't. And so that one doesn't, I guess I'm not, but i this is what I don't, I will say this. If I can broaden the one that you have, Erin, cause I don't, I don't know that I have that much experience with that one, but you know, when people are trying to fight attraction and they're like, you know, we're not going to do that again. And then four pages later they do it again. you know what I mean?
00:25:13
Speaker
ah no That kind of ruins it for me because I'm like, okay, but you're not even trying that hard. Like, can you like like tease a little bit? Like, you're not even trying. Up the tension, up the tension. Yeah, where I'm like, okay, well, you guys, I thought you were going really drag this out and make it nice and tense for me, and then you didn't. And so I'm like, okay, well, that flopped. So...
00:25:33
Speaker
I've had that experience, but the yours is very specific. ive i don't even I can't even recall. I think maybe i wake one book where they did that. Yeah, I don't think I've ever read one. And it lasted for like two Really?
00:25:44
Speaker
Oh, man, I've read a lot. Maybe it's just that I wonder if it's that I feel like it's a lot, but it might be like one or two authors and then I read their entire book list. Yeah, that could be it. Or maybe it's like I go down these rabbit holes where I'm like, okay, I'm going to read books about...
00:26:01
Speaker
It's because you read unhinged books, Erin. You read absolutely. and then And then they're like, well, I have a monster dog. And also it's scary when you read about it, but we won't kiss because that's too intimate. It's that kind of juxtaposition. That's where you're getting this from because you just read absolutely unhinged books. Well, there is that.
00:26:20
Speaker
All right. Well, if that's not going to be number 10, what else do you get Oh, I don't know. That's hard. trying to think. This is making me think of Angus Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging, where the girl was like, do I like lip nibbling? Oh, yeah. Lip nibbling? Nip nibbling. And ear biting? What if she's like, hmm, I had this experience now, and that was very interesting. Do I like it? I don't know. Yeah. ah I mean, I've read a – so one of the ones that I think is interesting is, ah like, how first kisses are executed. Have you guys seen those?
00:26:59
Speaker
don't even know. What do you mean? so the only reason the only reason I thought of this one is because I read one – well, it was the one that I read last night. or ah The one where – with the married couple that are angry each other and he, before they get married, like, he's never even kissed anybody. Like, he's super inexperienced. And she's she loves it. And he's very he's a little bit like, aw, shucks, like insecure about it, you know? And it was cute because like um she can kind of tell that he hasn't done it before because she does it's not written like he does it once and is really good at it. You know what i mean? Mm-hmm.
Inappropriate Kissing Scenarios
00:27:33
Speaker
So then I was thinking about all the other books that I, you know, where the character has the first kiss and they're immediately like really, really good at it, you know? um But I can't quite put my finger on the dynamic because I, it doesn't actually bother me when they are champion snoggers, like first time they give it a shot, like right out the gate. That doesn't bother me too much. No, interestingly, me neither.
00:27:54
Speaker
Yeah. Because awesome sex right out the gate. I'm like, hmm, hmm, hmm. Yeah, I don't know. But kissing is different chemistry, I guess. if i don't know. There has to be another way to ruin a kiss. We've got one more, guys. One more. And we've got zero minutes. So come on. We can do this. We can do this. Okay, I have one. Okay. Oh. I don't know if it's going to be like this for you guys, though. Okay. Making out in front of a character's parents.
00:28:20
Speaker
oh no oh gross why would yeah why have you actually read that yes you have it i don't know that where i don't know where where like they have a moment or like the kisses it doesn't even have to be like a full-on makeout session it doesn't have to be like foreplay but the kiss is obviously a little too heated for in front of the parents like comments are made you know what i'm talking about you haven't seen that come on no i mean i believe it i believe it i can see it or like in front of people yeah in general where it's like this is bedroom stuff like you you have an audience like we can just like you could just call it pda like inappropriate pda like where it's called out yeah not where it's like oh no one no one's batting an eye about it where it's like you know like because i feel like i read one once where they were like they like
00:29:06
Speaker
were making out on a sidewalk and like went a little too far and people were like, ooh, like, yeah, get a room guys. Well, even, okay.
00:29:18
Speaker
Or taking it in a different twist when people are like cheering them on. Yeah. That's worse. I don't like that. that's like That's what I'm talking about. It's like that. Yeah. I don't,
00:29:31
Speaker
ah yeah i don't I that's i'm always kind of like oh guys like now you know when there's cheering and it's not like exhibitionism I guess and voyeurism like yeah I feel like the only time it's appropriate to have people cheering for you when you kiss no there's two if you're on a kiss cam Or you're getting married. Yeah. like Yeah. But even then with some of the getting married. Sure. But then do you ever read that? Like the epilogues or whatever, where they're getting married and then they're like, and I really went for it. And I'm always like, yeah, I'm like, that's from your grandma. that Yeah. that's fine And then everybody's like, and they're, I'm just like, oh my God, now they're kind of envisioning the wedding night. and i was like, that's, there's too many people in the bedroom for that. Nope. Nope. Yeah. Don't want to think about that.
00:30:16
Speaker
no I think cheering at a kiss at a wedding. All right, we're all coming into the bedroom with you yeah to make sure this happens. Oh my gosh. no we're not doing that right now. That's a very specific thing.
00:30:30
Speaker
that is So I guess, the yeah, the inappropriate PDA with reactions is, i don' yeah, that I don't like either. I mean, i feel that's one where I feel like there's, that that's a fine line one. Like, I feel like some of these are automatic no's, but that's a fine line one where like, know, like, oh, well, this is showing, you know, character development or whatever. or Yeah. Yeah.
00:30:53
Speaker
yeah But I think it's like too much, too much tongue for the situation, for the occasion. but Because, yeah, because for me, that's why I said parents, because like it's very, it does not matter what the context is. If your parents are in the room and you kiss enough that like it's like bedroom behavior. It's like get a room. No. parents Yeah, it's not cool. I, in fact, like I, I would argue that if there's any tongue involved when your parents are in the room, that's too much. You've stepped it way too far. You know what i mean? Yeah. I don't like that.
00:31:24
Speaker
It's immediately like, nope, that's not hot to me at all. Nope. If I were your parents, I'd be like, it's the second you left. I'd be like, I, something's wrong with that guy. I don't like him for our daughter or whatever. you know what I mean? ah Seriously. I don't – I'm like, no, thank you. No. Now, exact opposite when it's sneaky-like, right? When, like, there's a little kiss and it seems chaste, but then there's, like a like, a finger down the cheek or, like, a little hint of heat for later that's private, that I eat up with a spoon. Yeah. That's good stuff. The sneaky – where it's, like, nobody else knows, you know? Like, that's that's great.
00:32:00
Speaker
But if your parents know that he just unzipped your Ziploc seam with his tongue –
00:32:07
Speaker
I tried to give you a dental check. That's
Recap: Ten Ways to Ruin a Kiss
00:32:10
Speaker
too far. You've ruined it. Yeah. Yeah. think we did it. I think we did it, guys. So I'll read them off real quick because this is what we do.
00:32:17
Speaker
Number one, tongue in cheek. Two, the delve of his tongue into the moist aperture of her mouth. Three, the dental hygienist method. Four, tongue shoving. Five, the Ziploc approach. Six, underwhelming first.
00:32:30
Speaker
Seven, bloody teeth, bloody kissing. Eight, tongue too independent. Nine, you smell and we know it. And ten, awkward PDA with feedback. or ah don't kiss in front of your parents so there there's what we have thank you our list yes we will keep investigating how to ruin romance novels uh in 10 ways because i like it and it's fun um ah you can find the show notes underneath the thing on the post you can find our podcast where you they play them
00:33:12
Speaker
Holly, do you have anything to add? No, you did great. You did great. And we'll see you next time, kids. Keep it smutty, folks. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
00:33:22
Speaker
Smut report!