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Why Your Kids Deserve the Truth About Adoption
27 Plays5 months ago
Parenting is hard, and adoption adds another layer of complexity. But why is it crucial to keep open, ongoing conversations about adoption with your child? Tune in as we discuss the challenges and share heartfelt advice on why honesty is always the best policy. We share about resources in Spanish. Alianza Cristiana para los Huérfanos (ACH). www.achlatam.org
Fro more resources go to: www.whoseami.org
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Transcript
Introduction and Purpose
00:00:24
Speaker
Hello again. Welcome to Paws and Think. I'm Aisha Lopez. This is my good friend, Sister in Christ, co-author Jackie Darby. And we're sitting in at her dinner table and just having another conversation in front of cameras. Yes, here we are. Yes, we are really hoping and praying ah to serve you, to help you, um and to refresh you ah in the truth that is um the hope we have in Christ.
Unique Perspectives on Adoption
00:00:54
Speaker
And we're keeping on ah about the topic of adoption through the eyes of a mom.
00:01:04
Speaker
and a daughter, and we're we're not mother and daughter, but I am an adoptive mom, and she is an adoptive daughter, so. Yes, we're a unique pair. Yes, we are. Because you are the younger one, but you represent the moms, the parents. Go figure. And I'm the older one, and I represent the kids. The kids, yes. you so God has a sense of humor, doesn't He? He absolutely does. I go to her to figure out what my teen daughters are actually thinking. You're more accurate in interpreting what their behavior means because you've gone through it in a very different perspective and it's so helpful and I'm so thankful, really. um And so I want to start out today by clarifying or maybe just explaining the fact that our whole ministry is bilingual.
Bilingual Ministry and Support Groups
00:01:55
Speaker
So this podcast is all in English
00:01:58
Speaker
But if you know a Spanish speaker, and I'm going to switch to Spanish. <unk>bu cando alguness sp butid ah asce ache la amunto um That's our address, our website.
00:02:14
Speaker
In Spanish, these are our beautiful friends and I belong, we both do belong to ACH, which is a ministry that's spreading all over Latin America. It has to do with vulnerable children, adoption, foster care, e etc. And we have a podcast that's fully in Spanish. We've been at it for five years now.
00:02:36
Speaker
more than five years actually. It's gotta be about seven actually. I've lost count. It's been many years. It's been many years. And now we're doing this in English for you guys. And so the homepage is very easy to navigate and you can switch from Spanish to English. And we're working on doing that for everything in the site. Some of the stuff will be only English and some of the stuff it's only in Spanish, but we're you know, our heart is to serve both English speakers and Spanish speakers, so... Yes, and there's also a support group with Acehache, and it is for adult adoptees, 18 and over, and it is in Spanish, and it is a group that was formed to bring support and just to walk through our stories, walk through, process our journeys as adults, and
00:03:35
Speaker
encourage one another, cry together, and just hear what God wants to do in and through our lives. And so this group is called 139, and it represents Psalms 139, verses 15 and 16. And it we are here to just walk alongside of the adult adoptee. And of course, it is in Spanish, and hopefully we're hoping one day that we're going to have one in
When to Share Adoption Stories
00:04:05
Speaker
English. We are actually this is serving as um a connector. We're hoping who's am I will serve as a platform to connect with people. We're not hoping to start new stuff. Maybe there is a good gospel centered adoptee group out there and we would love to connect with you. ah So we're working on doing that and finding safe spots for
00:04:30
Speaker
everyone in this equation to flourish and to blossom in the Lord and so look for that we're constantly wanting to add more stuff to the website so you we can serve you better and so we're encouraged and we want to dive into a even if it's just a little bit into a very core um question or I don't know how you would describe a Jackie. A topic.
Book Discussion: 'Whose Am I?'
00:04:58
Speaker
Yes, a very recurring topic in the parent side. Oh, we also have a support group for adoptive families in Latin America or in Spanish. Both groups are in Zoom. So we have people from all over the world connecting, ah but it's all in Spanish. And so I have a very
00:05:17
Speaker
you know We've been at it with that group for years as well. And this is like probably the number one question we have. like When do you tell tell the kids about their story? and when you And if you tell them the whole story, how do you tell them the story? And it's a very you know parents say, i just it's a very terrible story. So how can I?
00:05:41
Speaker
But as ah an adoptee that has a very rough beginning, I think you have so many wise words, so... Well, I want to refer to our book, Aisha. Aisha and I co-authored a book. It's Whose Am I? And the whole heart behind our book is just that. Because, as you said, this subject comes up a lot. This question comes up a lot.
00:06:07
Speaker
When do I talk to my child about their adoption story and oh I don't want to tell my child their story because it's it's a bad story or there's fear or there's there's a lot of different reasons and um that we've heard.
00:06:23
Speaker
of why maybe they're putting it off. And so I really believe that through everything that we've heard and learned from others and even from my story that God put it in our hearts to co-author this book and that it would be used as a tool in the hands of any adult, any parent who's listening to be able to have these sometimes hard conversations with their child.
Impact of Hidden Stories
00:06:54
Speaker
And I say child because we believe wholeheartedly that the truth needs to be told to their child, of course, um according to their age, but the truth needs to be told because it is their child's story. And how will they ever receive healing from the Lord
00:07:15
Speaker
if the story is being hidden from them, yeah or if not only just hidden, but if they're being lied to. And believe it or not, even as Christians, Aisha, even as people who we have been in the church,
00:07:35
Speaker
yeah a long time, lives all yeah all of our adult lives. um I've been in the church all of my life. I you know i was raised in the church, but sad to say we have heard so many stories of even parents yeah lying to their kids about their stories. yeah Whole communities that really, you know, coven ah you cover enter into Yeah, cover up, but it's like a covenant. It's like nobody talk. Nobody, you know, everyone saw the adoption take place and then nobody talk about it. And the whole community just sips it, which is very shocking. And the sad thing to me, especially in the support group that I help host, I have heard so many stories that
00:08:28
Speaker
The whole family knows. The extended friends know. The church even knows. But the child does not know. And the child, when I say child,
00:08:41
Speaker
I'm talking children up until their mid to late thirties who are just finding out that they were adopted and talk about an identity crisis so with reason because they've believed their whole life that they are biologically born to that couple and to find out in their 20s and 30s the truth and sometimes the truth comes through another family member
00:09:15
Speaker
um Sometimes it comes it's not even where they're being told in a loving way, but it mistakenly comes out. And so we are walking with adult adoptees walking through this crisis with them, this identity crisis with them,
00:09:38
Speaker
and processing their pain. yeah And so our heart, I know our heart and passion is to help you as the parent, to encourage you as the parent to be truthful yeah from a young age.
00:09:53
Speaker
and you know I, as a parent, when I started this journey, I used to be now that i look at it really i used to have really harsh conclusions about parents that just didn't tell the truth. I used to be very harsh in in the sense that I thought,
00:10:13
Speaker
How selfish are they? They're only thinking about themselves. And yes, there's a ton of truth in that. But I empathize with the fear. I do empathize with, you know, the the war that will follow a revelation. um And so it's a really interesting dynamic. And of course, when you as a parent are not safe,
00:10:42
Speaker
ah in the Lord. you Your inclination will be to hide and to cover up for your own own comfort. But like you said, there's no healing with concealment. And so freedom and um blossoming can only happen in the side of truth.
00:11:01
Speaker
And that doesn't mean that it won't hurt. But the fact that, you know, as parents, I think for me, it's a game changer to focus on the fact that the Lord wants me to be present, not necessarily to solve my kids, you know, trauma or solve the story or cure it in a way that's digestible or palatable.
The Importance of Honesty
00:11:27
Speaker
um you know most of my journey so far my kids are teenagers now and it's hard it's really hard yes it's very hard it's very hard and but most of it has been just me being there even if we don't like each other at points But just being I'm a safe adult. I'm here for you. This is why I adopted you. So you're not alone in the world. I'm here. And so to process that that terrible story and we will have more conversations ah later on in your own, you know, story, but it, it you know, it bears.
00:12:04
Speaker
to be mentioned right now that, you know, I empathize with the parents and the fear and the fact that you have it not obsessively um at the table, but have it um just consider it in the back of your mind that it is something that your child is constantly thinking about their story, their origin, their biological family.
00:12:33
Speaker
And so to have that um just present and consider the fact that you have opportunities to have an ongoing conversation. It's not just like, oh, we're going to sit you down when you're six or you're eight and we're going to tell you you're adopted and then never again touch the topic. That's not healthy either. No, and I just want to say too, our heart is not to condemn any parent because parenting is very hard. Very. Very challenging. Yes. None of us knew what we were doing really when we began our families or when you adopt adopted. Adopted, yes. And so parenting is very tricky and there's a lot of reasons why parents
00:13:18
Speaker
have chosen not to tell tell their children their story. But we're here to encourage you today that the truth the truth is always the best way. yeah The Bible talks about the truth, and we us know the truth yeah and we will know the truth, and the truth will set us free. and It's only through knowing the truth that we can truly walk in freedom with Christ yes and go a step beyond and use our stories to
Faith and Fear in Storytelling
00:13:49
Speaker
be able to encourage others because I know I'm thankful to my parents who always told me the truth.
00:13:56
Speaker
And I was raised in an all-American family. And so me being adopted from Korea, clearly, I was not their biological child. Everybody knew that from little on. My parents couldn't hide it. There was no way they could hide it. So I did always know the truth, even though the truth of my story was very painful to me.
00:14:20
Speaker
and i grew up having issues because of the painful details of my story. But because of Christ in my life now, He has taken the truth of my story, and He's ministered to my heart, and now I'm being able to use my story, the painful parts and all, to encourage others.
00:14:45
Speaker
And I truly believe that God is no respecter of people. And He wants to use all of our stories, Aisha, yeah to give them peace, to bring healing, and to use our stories to encourage and help others along in their process. Yes. Keep in mind that um sin grows and you know, just infects in silence, in the darkness. um And also um just the pain and the and the devil has a very good chance of messing with you when you're in the dark.
00:15:25
Speaker
Exactly. And so being out in the open and trusting Jesus with your child's story, with your family, is always the safest, is always the most beautiful road, even if it's painful.
00:15:39
Speaker
The alternative is not better. When you lie about it, when you conceal it, the fact remains that the story has painful spots and you need to face them in order for it to be healed and for the Lord to be glorified.
Seeking Support and God's Guidance
00:15:56
Speaker
And so when you trust the Lord with your story and your children's story, you come off free and fruitful. And that's what we want.
00:16:07
Speaker
And so I just want to encourage the parents, the moms to seek the Lord, to seek help, to talk to somebody. um The Lord is always providing if we open our eyes and be in our humble to reach out. I'm trusting that if you're listening to us today, it's because probably you're struggling in some parts of your family's history.
00:16:31
Speaker
And I'm sure that the Lord is not short on staff. No, and God will come alongside of you. yes He will give you the strength to be able to have these difficult, sometimes hard, very hard conversations. We fully believe that He will provide everything you need and ultimately bring healing to not only your child, but to your life too. And it's you're just going to experience a freedom when you walk in truth.
00:17:03
Speaker
Amen. Amen. Deep connection happens in very painful spots. And so you just might be surprised to find out that when you join the suffering of the story, um the Lord provides deep connection in all around, not just with your children, but with family in Christ.
00:17:25
Speaker
So we hope this conversation was helpful and join us again in another episode of Pause and Think.