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Finding Worth Beyond Your Origin Story - Kara Capps: pt1
55 Plays3 months ago
Discover how shifting focus from personal history to faith can transform your sense of identity and worth. Jackie and Kara share their contrasting life stories after being adopted into North American families. Discover the unique challenges and triumphs that define their journeys.
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Transcript
Podcast Introduction
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest
00:00:24
Speaker
Hello, and welcome to Pause and Think Podcast.
Meet Kara Kaps
00:00:27
Speaker
My name is Jackie Darby, and we're here to have real and honest conversations regarding the topic adoption. Today is so special because we have a really great guest with us, and her name is Kara Kaps.
00:00:43
Speaker
Kara is from Murfreesboro, Tennessee with her husband, Thomas, newly married, and she graduated from Middle Tennessee State University and has a bachelor's degree in sociology and a master's in management. Kara currently works for Show Hope, which is an advocacy organization that serves families who adopted through pre and post adoption services.
Kara's Adoption Journey
00:01:11
Speaker
Kara's heart for adoption comes from her personal story of being adopted from Seoul, Korea. She deeply understands the joys and the difficulties that families hold regarding adoption. In her free time, Kara loves to cook, spend time with her family and friends, and and finds treasures in antique stores. So welcome, Kara. Yes, hi. I'm so grateful to be here today.
00:01:40
Speaker
We're so thankful to have you. um So we're here to share about adoption and we we met you at CAFO a couple of weeks ago and we want to hear your story and tell, well, we heard your story and it's a very special story and we want others to hear your story. So why don't you go ahead and tell our listeners about your story. Yeah, sure.
00:02:07
Speaker
So yes, I was adopted from South Korea. And I was adopted when I was four months old and grew up in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. And I'm a transracial adoptee. So my parents and my older brother, who my parents had biologically, are all Caucasian. And growing up, I really just didn't think that I had any trauma in my life or really any issues that I needed to process specifically because of my adoption story.
00:02:37
Speaker
um I think because I was adopted so young, I just kind of dismissed even thinking that I had anything to work through. um But that really started to change whenever I was in college. And so I met a really great friend who was an international student from Seoul.
00:02:53
Speaker
And she invited me to actually spend winter break with her and her family in Korea. And um you know that was just such a life-changing trip for me. It really helped me, one, to just fall in love with Korea and helped me just be really proud of where I come from. um There was also a time that I really started to work in my life and just kind of plant a seed in my heart to um just be more open to my adoption and really begin to think about what happened in my life before I was adopted.
Transracial Adoption Experiences
00:03:21
Speaker
Well, that is so interesting to me because we are both adopted from Korea. We were both adopted into um Caucasian, white, North American families, but we have different stories and that's what I love.
00:03:40
Speaker
because we can be adopted but have such different stories. Each and every person has such a different story. And you, unlike me, you didn't even have, you don't even think that you had any issues, you loved it and everything. Which brings me to the question, um where so was there a time when you were little or even in your pre-teens when you really thought about being different? Yeah.
00:04:09
Speaker
um You know, I think I always just being a transracial adoptee, it was quite obvious that I was different, you know, so there's not really a time that I didn't know that I was adopted or that adoption was a part of my story. I think I was quite young when I started to ask some of those deeper questions and just try to, you know, put it together in my little child brain, you know, that I was different. So I think I was around three to five years old when I started to ask my parents questions like, you know, why is my skin color different? Why are my eyes different?
00:04:41
Speaker
um you know Honestly, I was so young. I don't really remember those conversations, but you know they've been told to me secondhand. I do think later on in life, like the first time I can really actively remember feeling like I was different was actually on that trip um whenever I went to Korea for the first time. um And it's kind of funny or ironic, but it took me being around so many people that actually looked like me to make me really realize like, wow, you know, back home and in America, I am different. My story is different. I am a part of
00:05:14
Speaker
the minority there. And I think as an adoptee, you know taking that a step further, I just really felt like I had so many cultural expectations placed on me just because of my outward appearance, but never feeling like I could really meet those expectations because of because of my story. Wow, that's interesting. And so going back to when you were three to five, when you said you began to ask your parents questions,
00:05:40
Speaker
Did your parents openly share your story with you and ah you know just tell your story to you? Of course, ah in a childlike way, because you were very young at the time. But your parents, did they ah did they always answer your questions for you?
00:05:59
Speaker
Yeah, they did. um You know, that's something that I'm really grateful for that my parents were always very open with me. um You know, honestly, there's not a lot that we knew about my story before being adopted than any, you know, information they had. They're very open and sharing that with me. And um I didn't ask a lot about it when I was younger. But when I did, you know, they'd always bring out a little lockbox and you bring out my paperwork and just share whatever they could.
00:06:24
Speaker
And I think something I really appreciated about my parents too is that they weren't afraid even of that unknown and just being able to sit with me even in that. But yeah, anything that they could share, they're very open about it. I love that. I love that your parents um answered your questions honestly and didn't shy away from that because sometimes those conversations can be so awkward and parents at times don't know how to answer their kids or if it's the right time.
00:06:54
Speaker
So that we do share because our parents both share the truth with us about our adoption stories. And I believe that that is such an important key is to answer your child's questions, of course, age appropriately, because that's the time when we start um wondering and having those questions in our minds. And if they're ignored or treated like, oh, like it's a secret you know subject,
00:07:23
Speaker
um That creates more questions. So I appreciate that about ah your parents that they were willing to to answer your questions in an honest way. And um which leads me to another question. um Can you tell us um maybe a special memory that you have growing up um with your parents, something special that your parents did to create special moments for you as an adoptive daughter?
Cultural Heritage and Identity Exploration
00:07:52
Speaker
Yeah.
00:07:54
Speaker
Um, it's hard to fit it down for just one memory for me, but I think that my parents were just really wonderful at really just helping me be really proud of my story. And I think what they did a lot was, you know, there's a lot about my actual story that I don't know, but you know of of being Korean that's just kind of you know different in our family being a transracial adoptee but something that they really helped me be proud of is just really celebrating my Korean heritage and that that's a part of my story and so they're always really intentional about bringing that into our family. um You know we grew up in Tennessee and there's not a lot of Korean culture around us but they really sought that out so like in Nashville sometimes they would be like
00:08:33
Speaker
ah Korean fan dance or you know a Korean festival in like a nearby state or something and so they're always really intentional about bringing that into our family and really helping to be proud of that Korean heritage. Wow that's awesome and once again I just want to bring out that um despite that but you know we're both Korean we're both adopted from Seoul Korea but we both had very different emotions growing up. I dealt with a lot of shame. You embrace your Korean culture and I love that and that's what I want to share with our listeners. ah Each and every child can have different feelings and that's okay. One isn't right or is it wrong?
00:09:16
Speaker
And it doesn't show that the parents are doing something right or wrong either. um It's just each one of us have different stories. And that's why we're here just to share our honest feelings and how we differ, but yet show the beauty of it. And so i'm that that's really cool. um Which leads me to another question for you. And I would like to know,
00:09:42
Speaker
in for you to share with our listeners, people who are watching. did you I know you had mentioned that you went on a trip to Korea with a college friend for the very first time. I've never done that. Oh my goodness. I can't even imagine the emotion and all that entails on a first time trip to where you were born and to to just go there and see it.
00:10:07
Speaker
um so My question is kind of two part. I'd love to hear more about that trip. And in that trip, ah did any new emotions possibly come up in you? And during that time, did you have more questions?
00:10:27
Speaker
Or did you at times ever struggle with your identity and worth in some way as you faced different things on that trip amongst so many Koreans being in South Korea? Yeah.
00:10:45
Speaker
um It was just really exciting for the first time to get to go to Korea because up until that point, I really didn't know a lot about the culture. um But it was just really neat to be able to go there and just fully embrace it. And I think I was coming at it more from a perspective of just enjoying it you know as as a country, not necessarily as my first country.
00:11:08
Speaker
And so kind of having that lens was almost helpful or more helpful in a way just to appreciate and own it for myself, not just feeling like I had to love this country because it's where I came from. And so I love going there just to experience the culture and just really getting to meet the people that were so beautiful. um And so while I was there and or before I went on the trip, and I didn't think as much about you trying to connect with my adoption as much or that wasn't the main purpose of that trip.
00:11:35
Speaker
But you know while I was there and and surrounded by you know one so many people that looked like me and you know with the story, the reality of this is where you know I came from. and This is my first home. It definitely started to bring up more emotions for me just to think about what my life was like before I was adopted. Because I think I shared before I really just didn't think about what my life was like. you know It just felt kind of like this fictional story that really wasn't real. um you know Being in Korea and you know tangibly seeing this place, it just made it so real for me. um And growing up, I really didn't think about my birth parents or my birth mom in particular.
00:12:15
Speaker
But while I was in Korea, um I did start to think about her a lot more. and you know If I was riding a subway or if I was at a restaurant, it was like, how? Is she here somewhere? you know I don't know. um And so that was a definitely new emotional experience for me just to begin really thinking about my birth mom more, just wondering where she was and if she thought about me too. So therefore you were thinking a lot than about your identity. Like maybe my mom was on the subway or maybe she's walking in on the streets. So it did cause you to think about your identity and where where you were born and and where you came from. Throughout that time, as you were thinking about that, did you ever question your worth
00:13:05
Speaker
and connect it to being adopted. Like why did you ever have that question? Like why was I given up with it collating to your worth in some way?
00:13:17
Speaker
Yeah.
Struggles and Healing
00:13:18
Speaker
um Growing up, especially in my middle school and high school years, I struggled a lot with perfectionism and just feeling like I was worthy of being loved. um And I think at the time, you know, when I was younger, I really didn't have the you know emotional capacity to really link that to my adoption. But I mean, then on, you know, my healing journey, I can totally see the connection um with the struggles in my adoption story. um You know, my childhood wound was not knowing if my birth mom loved me and just really feeling like I was really rejected by her. And so I think that that was just a coat that I wore, you know, and everywhere I went and in every conversation I had with someone else.
00:14:00
Speaker
And so, you know, growing up, I internalized that, that, you know, if I thought I could be the the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, then, you know, I'm not gonna give someone a reason to not love me or to reject me again. So I definitely struggled with that growing up. Yeah, and I i feel like i I can identify with you in that area, just trying to do things so right, so perfect, to be accepted because we,
00:14:29
Speaker
You know, we didn't, we don't want to be rejected again. yeah That's painful. And so maybe at the time as a child or a teenager, we couldn't really name it or um say exactly why we're thinking the way we're thinking.
00:14:47
Speaker
But you're right, as we have experienced healing in our lives, um the picture has become clearer. And so I i just love how how you bring that out. um You're not denying what you feel or what you were facing and experiencing, but the beautiful side of it is you're sitting here today, you're a beautiful young woman sharing about um your story in a very confident way and ah from a place of healing. And so with that, I'd love to hear um now on this side of your story, what can you tell our listeners um that was maybe a turning point for you, a place where your perspective began to change? Yeah.
00:15:40
Speaker
um You know, I think for me later on in life, um, in my early adult years, I got really stuck in this cycle of, um, you know, just feeling so rejected by my birth mom and just questioning so much, you know, if she loved me and it was just this really dark circle. And, um, it was hard for me to, I think, especially as an adoptee because that's a question that I so desperately wanted to know, but yet that's something that I may never know the answer to. And so that was really hard for me to reconcile.
00:16:10
Speaker
yeah How can I move forward in this? um you know I'm so grateful just for how the Lord really met me in that darker season. And you know I think that he helped to slowly and was so patient with me, you know just to begin to realize that you know my identity and my worth, it's not rooted in my adoption story. And it's not rooted in if I know my birth mom loves me, um you know my worth is in and if I ever get to meet my birth parents. But it's solely rooted in Christ.
00:16:38
Speaker
I know that we both really love um the scripture Psalm 139, and that's something that I really clung to in that dark season. And again, the Lord received that to really help me to see um how he was always present in my story. You know, he was present with my birth mom, and whenever I was in her womb in Korea, and he was with my parents when they were in Tennessee, just beginning the adoption process. And just to see his presence and how he worked in that, um and really to see how my adoption story is my God's story and my testimony.
00:17:07
Speaker
was just such a sweet way that God really met me. And I love that um that. That for both you and I, we turned to our faith. And I know we're both raised in Christian homes. I rejected my faith, but there did come a turning point where I finally reached out to God, our Heavenly Father,
00:17:32
Speaker
And that's where my healing journey began. And it sounds like you're sharing the same thing. So um what words would you have, Kyra, for maybe an adoptee who is struggling still in this journey um to know or to understand their story because they're still maybe in that dark circle, as you said, that vicious cycle of just going around, trying wondering with all these questions, um what words of encouragement could you share with with a person who's maybe walking in that stage where you and I both work? Yeah, I would just want him or her to know that one, they not are not alone in that pain and that heartache, but they are so deeply loved by the Lord
00:18:23
Speaker
And just to give that truth reminder that your identity is not in your adoption story, what you may or may not know, but it is rooted in Christ and who he says you are, which is chosen, loved, and redeemed. Let's talk for that encouragement. Well, thank you, Kira. I just, I love talking to other adult adoptees.
00:18:45
Speaker
It's a gift from God now just to hear their real and honest thoughts and feelings because I know that in our stories we're going to give hope and encouragement to others. And so I know that there is another huge chapter in your life.
Next Episode Teaser
00:19:07
Speaker
um we I call it a gift. God has given you a gift to meet your birth mom, your birth father. And so we cannot talk all about that in this episode, but I want our listeners to join us again for episode two, we're going to have Kara back with us. And she is going to tell the whole story of getting to actually meet her birth parents. So thank you so much for joining us on this podcast, Pause and Think. Thank you,
00:19:43
Speaker
ah Kara for being with us. Thank you to our listeners. I hope you were encouraged today hearing her story and that we all have different stories, but yet um we we want to tell how God has touched our lives and can touch your life as well. Thank you for joining us.