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Why It's So Important to Let Our Kids Lament
25 Plays3 months ago
Ever think about how essential it is for kids, especially adoptees, to truly feel and express their sorrow? Listen as we dive into why acknowledging loss is crucial in parenting and how embracing these emotions can lead to healing.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Pause and Think'
00:00:02
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest
Meet the Hosts
00:00:24
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Hey there, welcome to our podcast, Pause and Think. Here we are today. We're gonna have real conversations regarding adoption. My name is Jackie Darby and this is my wonderful friend and sister in Christ, Aisha De Lopez. And today we're just gonna talk about some more things regarding the subject of adoption.
Purpose of the Podcast
00:00:46
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Yeah, we really wanna have honest conversations around difficult topics or touchy topics And always keep in mind that we're not experts. Like I get nervous around that word when they introduce us in that manner because we're not. We're a mom, a daughter, and we're figuring things out. And the Lord has been gracious and we've seen clarity on many points where we're learning on many other points, but we want to share
Plans for Expansion
00:01:13
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what we're learning. So here we are. We are so glad you're here and we hope you've been browsing the website and we are
00:01:21
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Planning to keep expanding the resources and keep you updated on our adventures So be sure to just log on whenever you feel like rewatching the episodes and share them because that's the way we're gonna have a broader audience to spread the word that it is good news the Lord has a good plan every life matters and Every child is an image
Cultural Aspects of Adoption
00:01:48
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-bearer. So keep at it. um And I wanted to talk to Jackie about just the cultural aspect of adoption because I've you know been trying to learn. we don't we It's just a different scene in Guatemala and I think we're in the beginning stages of
00:02:08
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you know, just forging an adoption culture. But in the states and the spaces that I've been in, um you know, foster and adoptive families and adoptees have taught me so much. And especially international adoptees I've heard some of them say how they appreciated their adoptive families putting in extra miles to make sure that they know about their heritage. And like you know with African-American children, how it just it's different to take care of their hair and their skin and stuff. And things that may seem superficial, but I think in the long long run, speak about the love that you
Jackie's Adoption Story
00:02:56
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you know um try to cover your children in. And so I know that for you, you were internationally adopted and your family was a farm family from Illinois. And just what was your experience around that you know cultural aspect of it?
00:03:14
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Yeah, well, I just want to interject just like you said, we're not professionals by no means you represent motherhood with adoption and I represent the child and so we're going to talk from our experiences and from what we've seen because I've lived here more than 30 years now. And so I've observed some things regarding adoption and and foster care. So um yeah, today we're going to talk about the cultural side of it. And I was adopted into a very North American farm family from the Midwest. And so me coming from Seoul, Korea culturally, very, very different.
00:04:00
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even in the farming, you know, from beans
Cultural and Emotional Challenges
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and corn and they farm rice. And so it was very different. And I always knew from the get go that I was adopted, that I was very different, that I was not like their family in many ways, not just looks, but culturally. And so for me,
00:04:22
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That is what was hard because I didn't feel like I fit in. I know I didn't fit in. And even though my parents um tried,
00:04:36
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in my heart, I just never felt like I was one of them. And that's nothing against the adoptive family or the mom or dad, because you are loving the child. You're loving yeah loving your adopted child, but but there's just something within that we feel at times, and I'm not saying all children, but I didn't feel apart.
00:05:02
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And um my parents really did try. They were part of a support group, um adoptive family support group with the adoption agency they adopted me from. And this agency had what they called Korean picnics. Wow. Yes. All Korean. All the families who adopted from korea from Korea could go to these yearly picnics.
00:05:33
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And so for me, I did not really like those Korean picnics. Did they have like food like for from Korea and stuff? They had all the cultural food. They even had some children who were maybe adopted older and still spoke Korean and wore the Korean traditional outfits. And they would even do dances. wow That made me really uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable because I knew I was Korean, but I had no Korean culture in me to understand. It was a very awkward
00:06:19
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picnic for me. I didn't like the food because my taste, my palate, my taste buds were weren't it used to that Korean flavor anymore. You arrived at it eight months. I arrived when I was a baby. And so clearly from that point on, I was fed sure you know the food that my parents ate. And so I did not have that and taste for that Korean food.
00:06:48
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And because of the hurt in my life, because of just the emotional issues that I was facing, even though I never told my parents, and we went, we all went to those picnics, but I didn't enjoy those picnics. Did it feel like it highlighted your differences?
00:07:10
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I felt like it brought out for me now that I'm older and I can think back on those times, I really feel like it brought out to me the culture that rejected me.
Reflections on Parental Efforts
00:07:25
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The people, my parents, sure that rejected me. And so for me, that represented rejection. And I did not, I really struggled with that.
00:07:41
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But again, I never shared. that part. Yeah, because it may you you you saw that your parents were making an effort to connect you and the agency thought it was a good idea to keep you connected and overall I understand where that comes from because a lot of people that have been adopted internationally appreciate and love and like even seek to reconnect even further when they're adults.
00:08:12
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But for you, it was very painful. So it brings me back to the to the point of it's such a personal journey. Maybe other little kids loved it. Exactly. So just because this is how I felt, I'm not saying that every child feels this way. And I appreciate the fact that the adoption agency had a resource, had a time, a support group for the parents. Now that I'm on the other side and now that I have a different, a new perspective coming from the perspective of being healed, I think it's very important. And I
00:08:55
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um i I'm very grateful that the orphanage went the extra mile in creating a safe space, a space of support. Showing the child, if the child desired to know, now I'd love to go to a picnic. Sure. I would love to experience all that. I would have no problem interacting and wanting to know other stories.
00:09:23
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but at that time of my life when I was little see and through my pre-teen years, for me it was embarrassing. Yeah, and the fact that you connected it so deeply with rejection, like to you it wasn't something to celebrate but to reject yourself because it was the like the starting point of your pain.
00:09:50
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Exactly. That's what it was. It was nothing more than that. Right. It was it it represented a painful spot to me and it represented questions with no answer with no answers. And so yearly to go to that was a painful thing for me.
00:10:08
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But again, you know there might be, like you said, some children who really love it and really want to understand their culture. And I think um i think it has to do also with how the parent presents it. And my parents were very good at saying, you know we want you to understand your culture. And they were very good about that. So I don't blame them for anything. yeah They were just doing the best that they knew.
00:10:33
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and giving me the opportunity sure to reconnect with my culture. So I think my parents, you know, did it the right way, giving me the opportunity. I rejected that opportunity.
00:10:48
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But now, like I said, coming from the perspective of being healed and understanding what my parents are trying to do, I appreciate it now. I really appreciate it. And so I'm thankful that that that that they had that opportunity.
00:11:04
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But just because your child rejects it at the time doesn't mean that later on in life they they won't see it from a different side. you know Like today, I'm very grateful that my parents took me, sure took us. I have ah another brother and another sister who were also adopted. So I'm thankful that they gave us that opportunity. But at the time, it wasn't well received from me.
00:11:32
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that's a very good point to make for adoptive moms and dads watching uh the fact that your child is going through a rough spot which would you know be days months or years but which is not fun it's exhausting but it may be that they are just not in the place where they understand exactly the depth of your effort that you're trying to make and it's okay and that's why we need a good theology of God's adoption to us in Christ. That's why we need a good theology of suffering and endurance and perseverance and keep doing good and keep loving and keep trying to be curious
00:12:17
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ah You don't have to push whatever you think is healing or good to your child because in God's time, you know, he will unlock whatever it is that he needs to unlock. But you weren't ready when you were 8 years old or 12 years old or 14.
Empathy and Ministry
00:12:35
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and And now I see you doing ministry and loving people and loving children and teens. And I see that that you thought were so painful and embarrassing. And I see it as a strong point in what you do today.
00:12:53
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because you felt so different and now you can minister in council and just be there for kids who are in that same spot. Exactly. I can empathize with the kids, but I can also empathize with the parents now that I'm a parent and I understand that we don't have to be perfect.
00:13:17
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We're not going to be perfect in parenting. And my parents did the best they knew. They did it as unto the Lord. They were doing it thinking that it would so help us. And at the time, I didn't think it was helping me. But now on this side of it, I'm seeing what a blessing it truly was. And i I respect my parents so much for doing everything that they knew to do at the time that they could.
00:13:46
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and It wasn't a relief to see other little faces that resembled yours in a way It wasn't a relief it again to see other children that look like me and I can only speak from me, but I felt like we were all in this kind of like group, this club of of rejected children that needed another home um because we were abandoned for for whatever reason, different reasons, but we were abandoned and we needed to be adopted. And so the to see other children,
00:14:27
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um I didn't really want to identify with other children that were in the same boat as I was. um But again, coming from a different perspective today, I i don't i love being with other people who are adopted. I see it as a blessing now. Yeah, but you know
Supporting Adopted Children
00:14:48
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what? I think it's a it's a very, very important point to allow our kids to lament.
00:14:57
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and to be able to have that uncomfortable feeling and sit with it. And to have a grown adoptee say this candidly, we need to be aware and be humble. to you know I hear this and I say, it's just a different world from your little eyes when you're little and your experience in this.
00:15:21
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it just stays different and and loss is very much a part of adoption and we need to acknowledge it and trust the Lord will heal. And I just want to encourage the parents, you know, many times you're the punching bag. You're the punching bag.
00:15:39
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from our emotional um storms that are going on inside of us. And I'm so sorry that you have to be the punching bag. But I just want to assure you and the parents that are listening that please don't take it personally. It's just things that that are happening inside and God's working it out. God is the author and finisher of our faith. He knows the beginning to the end.
00:16:05
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and as hard as it is to persevere, don't take it personally. If you're doing what you know that God's calling you to do and out of the love, the deep love obviously that you have for your child, you're doing it from the depth of your heart and God sees that, He knows that and He will make a beautiful story out of um just all those storms. He will one day bring it around and make it a beautiful testimony.
00:16:35
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Yes, just a reminder that I am parenting teenagers right now and so
Parenting Reflections
00:16:40
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we're taping this in the middle of trials, interrelations and victories and we've seen God's grace and the fact that I have access to Jackie and to other adult adoptees has fueled me in times where I don't feel like doing anything. Just keep on doing good in due time. The Lord will you know, do what He set out to do and He will sustain us and you will see a part of Jesus, a part of our Lord that will not shine as brightly as you will see Him shine if you don't enter it in the dark times. So za we're trusting Him.
00:17:23
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every step of the way and you're not alone. So we're so happy to be here and be sure to check next episodes where we keep on talking about good stuff and sad stuff and hard stuff. That's right. ah That's right. Honest conversations. Honest conversations around adoption shows. So think and pause.