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Patreon Unlock: Ep 120: Violent Night
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Get 50% off your first month of Patreon for December ONLY at patreon.com/worsepeople! Get Mental Health episodes like this and much more!
It's our season break, so we're unlocking some formerly Patreon-only content for all of you lovely folks out there to hopefully entice you to join us on the dark side. This is just a little taste of all the great content you can get at patreon.com/worsepeople!
It took Whitney and Derrick a year to convince Jack to see this movie, and once he did, he was hooked. VIOLENT NIGHT is a Christmas action comedy starring David Harbour and John Leguizamo. David Harbour plays Santa Claus, who used to be a Viking, apparently, and he has to save a little girl and her family from a group of terrorists led by John Leguizamo, who take them hostage. It's violent (duh), bloody, and hilarious, and we're talking all about it!
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Opening Remarks
00:00:00
Speaker
Violent night, knife fight. Bad guys come, David Harbour will fight.
00:00:12
Speaker
i hope now i hope there's all virgins
Podcast Holiday Plans and Patreon Content
00:00:15
Speaker
in this. No virgins anywhere. There's young kids, I hope they're virginal. Yes, guys, for the holiday season, we do take a break. December is our off month.
00:00:26
Speaker
um But we're unlocking some Patreon content. Well, we took the month off in November so we could have December. It's a whole thing. I'm just saying, I want you guys to know our podcast does not take off. Never. We might. Podcasts do not.
00:00:39
Speaker
But we decided to unlock an episode for you. So we went with last year's Patreon-exclusive mental health episode about Violent Night, which is a movie that... Whitney and I spent the whole year trying to tell Jack should watch. An entire year. And he's not a anti-Christmas, whatever you what what do you want to call it. There's tongue in cheek. there's There's irreverent. There's avant-garde. I mean, it's it's ah black Christmas, naughty Christmas. I don't like bad Santa.
00:01:09
Speaker
that's That's the movie I don't like. you can You can look at me like that all you want, pretty boy. But I ended up really... Well, you'll see if I like this movie or not. So this is the episode for all of you non-Patreon listeners to check out.
Meet the Hosts and Show Introduction
00:01:22
Speaker
And if you like it and you want to hear more content like this, you can check out our Patreon at patreon.com slash worstpeople where we give you mental health episodes every month. It's for us too.
00:01:33
Speaker
it's The mental health episodes are for us to watch something that doesn't hurt our brains, but we give them to you as a gift. You're welcome. You're welcome. We love you. And thank you, because you gave us a gift of money.
00:01:45
Speaker
Happy Christmas, Hanna Kwanzaa. So check out patreon.com slash worst people. These episodes are available at the $3 level, and we have even more content at the $5 level. Tune in next week to find out about that.
00:02:00
Speaker
Welcome back patrons for another mental health madness episode. liketacular la lot Spectacular. Much better than mine. It And this month, it's time for murder. I'm Derek. I'm Winnie. I'm Jack. And this is Bad Movies. Worst People.
00:02:37
Speaker
Bye.
Discussion on 'Violent Night' Movie
00:03:04
Speaker
Holy shit. Holy shit. Yes. Holy shit. And ho, ho. Holy shit. Indeed. We are talking about violent night from the Lord's year of 2022. I don't know why people say that, but it sounds good. Yeah. Well, they, they, they won religion one religion one me zero. look now I got drunk off their wine a couple of times.
00:03:32
Speaker
My church didn't serve wine. so his apple was They like sprinkled the wine on the crackers. Oh, God. Talk about a worst snack ever. yeah Can I spritz your w Ritz with a little bit of fucking vino, my friend? I'm sure it's because they were cheap.
00:03:45
Speaker
Yeah. Also, don't know where my church was. People who might just be going in there to drink wine. So, yeah, that's the joy of a Sunday morning. but Yes, we are talking about Violent Night.
00:03:57
Speaker
And this movie is awesome. Yes, it is. We saw this in theaters. The husband and I saw this in theaters when it came out. We've said an episode before I put it off because I like my Christmas movies to be not necessarily overly saccharine, but like heartfelt and not ah cheeky and avant-garde.
00:04:15
Speaker
This does both. yeah no this this This has a merriment of everything I want out of a Christmas movie now. Well, it has all of your... like bad Santa stuff going on but it's actually a really heartfelt family Christmas movie with blood and guts and ass yeah it just happens to well and was there ass there's no no I mean like get your ass blown off sorry there's not nudity shoving coal right up their assholes they do say ass you don't want to say asshole you want to say something else I can butthole. I mean, like it's it's borderline. We want to stay off that naughty list.
00:04:48
Speaker
Can I say anus? Technically, that's the technical term. It's before we get too far. So if you do want to watch this, if you haven't, you should. Yep.
00:04:59
Speaker
Yeah. if you do want to watch it before we talk about it, it's available on stars. So on any of the stars streaming, because sometimes it's like not on prime or not on. Yeah. It's on all the stars stuff, or you can rent it on Amazon and Apple for $4 or buy it for $10. Buy it. 10, 10 Yeah. Or you just buy a Blu-ray. don't have some company to pitch who isn't paying me. I just bought a regular-ass Blu-ray off Amazon, and I think it probably cost me about $10. Get your shit together, Kino Lorber.
Director and Screenwriters Analysis
00:05:29
Speaker
This is directed by a guy named Tommy Warkola. Hmm. Sorry, it sounds like somebody from Philly is telling you you work too much. Hey, Tommy Workola over here. He won't put the fucking pen down. He's a workaholic, this Workola. It's crazy how cool this movie is because everybody behind making it doesn doesn't make good things. hu So his other stuff that I recognized was Dead Snow, ah Dead Snow 2, Red vs. Dead, and Hansel and Gretel, Witch Hunters.
00:06:01
Speaker
Which is that one that has Hawkeye. Jeremy Renner? Yeah. Dude, that movie has legitimate the first case of diabetes. Have I talked to you about this? No. I watched it years ago.
00:06:12
Speaker
Jeremy Renner's character, ah well Hansel, I'm assuming. I would think so. Is force-fed candy by the witch. And then later he's like, the the sugar did suck my blood. And if I don't take this medicine my sister designed, I'll die. I'm like, you have diabetes that's insulin.
00:06:29
Speaker
this is This is not the time that happened. Also, why is your crossbow like fucking fully automatic? and so Wouldn't yours? I could, but at that time you couldn't. It's just a Wookiee bowcaster. It's that steampunk thing where it's like, yeah, yeah but it's cooler. i remember liking it. You are allowed to, but it's bad. it's It's not well done. You can enjoy it all you want, though.
00:06:56
Speaker
I might be because I love Jeremy Renner. I do too. He's got weird thumbs. And then the guys the two guys who wrote it, Pat Casey and Josh Miller, they worked on, it looks like they worked on pretty much everything together.
00:07:08
Speaker
So they did the National Lampoon Presents Dorm Days. boy. And National Lampoon Presents Dorm Days 2 and some other shit like that. National Lampoon's Dorm Days 3. And Sonic the Hedgehog 1 and 2.
00:07:24
Speaker
Oh boy Yeah Derek's right On paper This is a stinker Yeah what From what you're reading us as facts This is a stinker of a movie Until we actually get into it Yeah and I didn't look Like I didn't do a lot of research In the background i'm like maybe there's somebody Who's like You know how they used to always Bring in Joss Whedon to punch up scripts And stuff Somebody came in and was like I could fix this you don't have to credit me you just have to pay me a lot yeah Actually you know what I'll pay you i'll say I'll take less money If you keep my name off this shit Yeah But this movie cost $20 million dollars to make, and it made about $76 million worldwide, which is disappointing. Yeah, it is.
00:08:00
Speaker
Especially because it came out in 2022, which means, okay, well, you almost quadrupled the the budget. Fail. Uh-huh. so Wow. But I think we we talked before we hit record. I heard something about a sequel coming out a while back, and now nothing.
00:08:16
Speaker
Yeah, I swear, like right after I heard something about it, because like that amount of money sounds really low, because like all when it came out, it was like we saw it right away because I just thought it looked awesome. And I love David Harbour. Yeah. And it everybody was talking about it. Everybody that I know. And I don't just mean people like me who watch dumb shit like people, customers who come through the bar and stuff, people who aren't watching the same shit as me. A little water cooler talks of our water cooler is 33 taps.
00:08:43
Speaker
Exactly. And all different colors. Yeah. All different colors and shades of water. That's what I serve. This thing from October of this year says violent night two will film at the beginning 2025. Okay, so we'll have a 2026 Christmas movie. tessel Yeah, that'd be cool. Unless they're just fucking like, hey, July.
00:09:06
Speaker
Gotcha. Fuck you. Don't do that. I guess somebody working on it, because not those two guys, also did the movie Nobody. And so they were all they were they were going back and forth between doing Nobody 2 and Violent Night 2. Odenkirk, right? Yeah, Bob Odenkirk.
00:09:19
Speaker
I enjoyed it. It's stupid, but it's kind of like um Fat Guy John Wick. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I liked it. Like he's, he also used to be some kind of secret operator of some sort, but now he's like a pudgy middle-aged dude.
00:09:34
Speaker
Only. And then something happens to maybe a dog or a cat or they kidnap his daughter.
Movie Summary and Key Themes
00:09:39
Speaker
i don't know. It's something. Christopher Lloyd's there. Nice. Yeah. It's like the family gets attacked.
00:09:45
Speaker
Yeah. Something like that. His wife is really mean to him. She's like, you're such a piece of shit. You're worthless. And. I fucking hate you not knowing that. What do you think she's doing right now? Stomping on your balls later. The problem is I have that movie in my head mixed up with that stupid Eli Roth reboot of Death Wish because it's almost the same movie except for nobody is like really fun and Death Wish is really dour and like depressing. Yeah.
00:10:10
Speaker
It's a late Bruce Willis, so it's just him staring at the screen going, I'll kill you. I'm Bruce Willis. Yeah. You know who I am? right before we found out that he was having issues. Ho, ho, ho. Now I got a brain disease. Exactly. That's not funny. I laughed. Okay, well well. The title is Worse people's People. Worse People.
00:10:29
Speaker
But yes, so this movie is about Santa Claus fighting John Leguizamo. Johnny Legs. He found out he was the pest. The pest miser. Get him. He unlocked a kink for me in this one. Well, it's American History XXX. It's the same fucking thing. with him. Yeah, but it's the same man of power and also...
00:10:52
Speaker
kind of part of your childhood. Right, Johnny Legs? Yeah, oh, definitely he is. bit that. But this is the most badass he's been. He's been in, ah he was a badass, finger quote, in Carlito's Way.
00:11:06
Speaker
Benny, Benny from the Bronx. He was he was something in Spawn. He's something in Spawn. You're right about that. He's something. He's a Danny DeVito clown that turns into a demon monster or something.
00:11:19
Speaker
But this is him top dog, right? Yeah. Nobody's above him. no yeah He's in charge of this whole operation. yeah And it's it's Johnny Legs in a bit of a different color than we're used to. Super. We don't mind see him a lot these days And I feel like It's partially of his own doing But it's also partially just Hollywood's racism yeah He's been spending a lot of time The last, like i I want to say 15 years or more Advocating a lot for like Making sure that Hispanic people, Latin people, etc Can get into movies And they can be playing the roles of those people yeah And he's very like forward about it But he also then goes out And says stuff
00:12:02
Speaker
That pisses people off. That's related to that, but he's going like too far. Okay. He's the extremist of it. He also had a lot to say about the Super Mario Brothers movie that just came out recently.
00:12:12
Speaker
oh boy. About how they didn't actually cast Italians to play them. And I was like, Johnny Legs, homie. You're not Italian. Hold on a second. I'm going stop you right there. Yeah. i'm I'm pretty sure you were playing Luigi.
00:12:25
Speaker
And you are not Italian. And I'm pretty sure that Bob Hoskins. I was just going to say, your honor, I present the evidence of Bob Hoskins. Bob Hoskins at least was geographically closer to being Italian than John Leguizamo. Not wrong, dude. He's from Europe. Those countries have been at war together at least. Yeah.
00:12:47
Speaker
yeah What are you saying? um I said at least he's from the Bronx. Yeah, and that was the thing. they did They weren't Italian. They were just from the Bronx. They just named Mario. she named Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. not Actually Italian. Frick off your fricker.
00:13:07
Speaker
But yes, I want to get a naughty list. I'm trying to keep my cursing down. We open on David Harbour playing Santa Claus getting drunk. Loving it. In England, a place called, what was called? Wee Jimmy's. was like, I want to drink a wee Jimmy's. Oh, definitely. There's another Santa with a nice, short, pretty beard. I wanted to pet it. Ponce mild. Ponce of mild.
00:13:32
Speaker
Ponce of mild. And I love i love the cost the design of Santa Claus in this. Aside from what we get to later with like the fucking ancient armor and shit. sure But just like his like leather fucking coat. It's not like this vi fluffy felt red bullshit. And vibrant red either. It's like um borderline maroon. It's maker's mark red almost. Yes. Well, that might be brighter. That actually might be brighter. You're right. brighter yeah it's It's like a brick red. Like a darker. red Brick red's well said. Also my new porn name. i'm You're welcome. Brick red. We're here to lay brick. this is We're doing this? We're doing this. This sounds great. The hair and beard is very Dan Aykroyd in Trading Places when he's just hammered eating the fucking salmon on the subway. Just raw and just nasty. It looks it looks real, though. Yes. I mean, part of that beard might probably is real. Just extension. Because, mean, wouldn and die didn't he have a big, like, not that big, didn't he have a big beard in Black Widow?
00:14:34
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. In his red guardian or whatever? Red guardian, yeah. So, so I mean, they dyed it, though, because he's not gray. or No, no. but you I think the front part, because it looks different than like the rest, which is like gets more like curly, and then it's got like that front, I don't know, maybe.
00:14:50
Speaker
Who cares? so But he's getting drunk, and the bartender, here the bartenders i like when she's just like, you're not driving, right? Well, I do the steering, but the reindeers do most of the work. yeah They just laugh like, alright, cool. This guy's funny. No, he's getting into a car. He's staying. If this is not really Santa, you just this drunk just told a joke and was like, but I'm going to get behind the fucking, this Toyota Camry I'm driving home, dude. The steering wheel. but I do that, but like the engine does most of the work. Donner and Blitzen are what I call my headlights.
00:15:20
Speaker
On Donner, on Blitzen. I'm driving, I'm shifting. I'm shifting. And then he gets all depressed. Is that Rudolph? Nope. Brink lights. It's Rudolph. Look at my friend Rudolph. He's coming right far. Sorry, go ahead. He's just getting super, super sad and like melancholy that nobody believes in Christmas and it's just a consumer. And this isn't the first year, right? Yeah. He's he's been doing this.
00:15:52
Speaker
see been doingness Yeah, he's tired of the greed and everything. Because the other Santa's like, why would anybody do anything for money? And he's like, everybody's so fucking greedy. And I'm like, okay, well, first off, you have to do things for money.
00:16:05
Speaker
The country you're in, just as a lot of most countries now, are all capitalists. So these people, they're not being greedy. That guy needs to make money. But I see where you're coming Yes. It's the shitty little kids that piss them off. Well, the fake Santa says, it's the it's look in the kid's face. He's like, yeah, the look. They fucking open their present. They wait for the next present. They want the next, the next. And I i took a little offense, too. When I was a kid, maybe I was, a because I grew up poor, was appreciative. I opened a present. I looked lovingly at it. Like, once it was open, I would just stare at it the whole time. Everybody else has opened their presents. I'm like, look, I can't wait to open this shit. did me This looks fucking G.I. Joe is real splash damage. We would do. and what He looks like he's dead. We would do one gift at a time. Like yeah your gift and then you open yours. Oh, yeah. And you're from a bigger family than me. so
00:16:48
Speaker
Yeah, on the grander scale. But like my immediate family, there's only four of us. There's only two of us. Okay, yeah we're bigger. Twice as big. Damn, 200%. I mean, like, I didn't really Christmas with my dad at all. It was usually here.
00:17:01
Speaker
i mean, once they had my younger siblings. I mean, once we had the divorce, it was double presents. I'm going to be emotionally scarred, but I'm getting twice as many G.I. Joes. One for each household. One for each eye so I can wipe my tears on Duke and Flint. Whichever parent is second, you're like, oh, so yeah, no, this is cool. I did want it, but I got one. Yeah, I already one. I already got this. desktro i went mom Mom got me this one already. Dad, mom got me the battery re operated one. If I push this button, the rockets actually launch.
00:17:38
Speaker
But yeah, he's like, fuck it. This going be the last Christmas. And then I'm out. Other Santa Claus is like, oh, I got his tab, dude. yeah You should break my heart to see a crying Santa. Yep.
00:17:50
Speaker
But he goes out up to the roof and the lady's like, a fucking drunk. That way. that leads up to the roof. On his way out, though, he's like, here, save me a trip. It's for your grandson. And it's signed his like name, like Mickey or some shit. Yeah. It's like, how the fuck do you know my grandson's name? How the fuck do you have a grandson? Hold on. they go on the roof It's that video game. Astro Blaster. Blaster.
00:18:09
Speaker
Astro. Like ass blaster. What? You point a banana at the moon. You shoot it. So she runs up the stairs, goes to the roof and doesn't see him. Yeah, he's flying away on his sleigh, and she's like, I believe. And then he horks right on her head. And this is the perfect merriment of this movie because it's that, like, you look, it's it's her as an adult, like, oh, my God, Santa Claus is fucking real. And you get goosebumps. My life has me, and you get goosebumps. She's like, everything, from here on, everything gets better. He fucking horks on you, as you said. And now life has changed again. Yeah. In the last five seconds, your life has changed twice, dramatically. Yeah, you believe in Santa, and then you get chicken and wild rice soup all over your head. Italian wedding soup to go. o
00:18:57
Speaker
Is that fennel? You had fennel, didn't you? Yeah, I can taste it. Oh, that's even worse. She's tasting it. What was everywhere? She was looking straight She was looking straight up. Gawking like a turkey in the rain. she but She's about to Santa Claus all over the floor.
00:19:12
Speaker
i believe. Don't go Horkin. I'm okay, man. And then we meet our main characters, Trudy. Well, besides Santa. Yeah. Hold on. Our main sympathetic characters. The light stones. The light
Character and Plot Exploration
00:19:28
Speaker
stones. Yeah. We have Trudy who's played by Leah Brady. What a fucking family that owns a private army.
00:19:33
Speaker
The light stones. Like, that's you. You own people. But she's played by Leah Brady, who was on aco the Acolyte as one of the little. when I think she was Osha. Well, there's Osha and May.
00:19:45
Speaker
May. We were trying so hard while watching this to think of that. And we're like, Osha and Emily. Osha and Billy. Billy. I don't think it's Billy. Osha and HIPAA. Yeah. yeah, I think she's the one who played Osha. Yeah. She was like the main one you saw the most. Because she's the one who could little better. think remember you that. I think she's the one that lit the fire.
00:20:09
Speaker
No, that's May. and That's May. I think that was the other sister, but who knows? They're twins. I couldn't tell you. I'm not their parents. I don't know the difference. They don't have parents. They were made from the forest, dude.
00:20:23
Speaker
And then we have Jason, her dad, who's played by Alex Hassel, who played... Alex Hassel. Alex Hassel. Alex Hassel. Excuse me, it's me, Mr. Hassel. This guy is so fucking British. From Connecticut. My whole family comes from Connecticut. The whole Hassel family.
00:20:43
Speaker
Oh, Family Crest is a picture of a hassle. Whitney commented at one point. She's like, why is he British and everybody else is American? He's not supposed to be British. He's just not at it. He's trying really hard. It's just really bad. But he just looks it. was going to say, turn this mute you're going walk by like, that guy's British. Yeah. He's from a place called South End on the Sea in Essex, England. Oh, you can't get out South End in the Sea.
00:21:06
Speaker
South End on the Sea? South End in the I don't know if it's one of those Cogni rhymes. It's a Cogni motherfucker. I don't know where that is. It's called the bathroom in the knee is where I'm from, right? I was born right there in the coast of the bathroom in the knee. Asshole.
00:21:22
Speaker
You can hear from my mouth. I'm an asshole. But he played Vicious on the Cowboy Bebop live action thing. He's like the main bad guy. one Too bad, right? Yeah.
00:21:33
Speaker
We're here to say this to all of you people listening, all like 10 of you listening. Yeah. Let's really get on this soapbox right now to 10 people that are probably like one day in the future when we have 700 Patreon subscribers, they're going to hear this and we're going to get this show back. That show needs to exist. I want to know what happened to Ayn. He's just left on that fucking dock. Oh, I talked before about the show Chaos, the Netflix original show. Huh?
00:21:58
Speaker
Down there. have a little Eindol. Oh. ah Netflix original show Chaos. Yeah. I finally finished it and I loved it. I looked it up. Canceled. Don't even bother watching it because it leaves it on such a cliffhanger and it was a banging ass show. Netflix fucking sucks.
00:22:13
Speaker
Fuck you, Netflix. Like, you just don't keep the shows. You give nothing a chance. Like, Cowboy Bebop, I guess I did have a squeaky wheel. They canceled it before it came out. Yeah. Yeah. They canceled it. Well, the day I think it came out.
00:22:25
Speaker
So like there wasn't even a chance for people. It's I don't know what Netflix's fucking problem is. They don't. They aren't transparent with how they rate anything, like how they tell what's what. We used to have like a Nelson.
00:22:36
Speaker
Yeah, thumbs up the Nielsen ratings. But you don't have that. You don't have that anymore because streaming. It's not how it works. So they're just like and when they have a movie they think is popular. they're like, it was watched for 100 million hours. And i'm like, OK, cool.
00:22:48
Speaker
But are people just doing what Jack does and turning on the TV for their dog? Yeah. You have a cat, by the way. But you know what I mean? Because he keeps asking if you're watching. You can turn that off. Can you? Yeah. I think you to on the browser version. Life changed. Yeah.
00:23:00
Speaker
But yeah, fuck those guys, even though they make some cool shit like Fubar. Yeah, they do, but they also just cancel everything too soon. Anyway, well they're they're like the sci-fi of streaming. notebox They're the sci-fi channel of streaming. Oh, God. Wait, wait. This show was awesome. We're going cancel it. Nobody likes this show? 11 seasons. You liked it, did you? That's a shame. It's done.
00:23:20
Speaker
Oh, no, no, we didn't end it. It's canceled. cliff hanger like um You didn't have a chance to watch it because it came out four hours ago. Canceled. Sorry. Sorry. You should have watched it right when it came out. Daylight savings doesn't let you know when you should have been there, but it should have been like earlier.
00:23:35
Speaker
And then we have Linda, his wife, played by Alexis Lauder. Every now and then there's a chick with a shaved head that just does it for me. yep Right here. Yep. and She's not in a lot. I mean, she's a streaming actress. She was in a movie called Cop Shop that I remember hearing about. ah Cop Rock? Nope. Cop Shop. Damn. And she was in the Terminal List. She was in the Terminal List and The Tomorrow War. Both Chris Pratt.
00:24:03
Speaker
Amazon Prime movies. Yeah. So I'm wondering if they just filmed them at the same time. They're like, all right. You're still you still wearing the black gear in this one, but you need like a future gun. Hey, what are you doing after this? You want to just go another set?
00:24:15
Speaker
Yeah. Do you want to have sets with me? What? No, like you you and me go to the set. We'll have multiple sets. Yeah, it. We'll have sets all night. Yeah, there's a whole bunch of us going. It's going group sets. Let's talk about sets, baby.
00:24:28
Speaker
Let's talk about trading lines. So they set up, they they go to this thing. It's the Christmas party at the family compound. Nakatoma Plaza. Nakatomi. Yes, this is, let's just say it right here, right? It's Die Hard. It's Die Hard. Your wife called out early Home Alone as well. Oh, yeah. Die Hard, Home Alone with all of my Christmas miracle shit. Like it's Die Hard on 34th Street. Yes, it is. Die Hard Alone on 34th Street. Yeah. Miracle weapon.
00:25:01
Speaker
Rambo. No, wait. Never mind. That doesn't work. ram Rambo's. They tie like a bow at the end. I'll work on it. It's just die alone. Rainbows. They're randeer reindeer.
00:25:13
Speaker
Santa returns. Batman Returns. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah. Well, he would. Yeah. All right. Let's not get off the fact that we could have a Rambo reindeer movie called Rainbow, and Rudolph definitely has a bright red bandana tied around it. Can't you see my sleigh tonight? Does it glow? Oh, fuck yeah. All the other reindeer get killed. It glows with the blood of my enemies. Oh, the other reindeer get killed and Rudolph has to come in with the red bandana and fucking take everybody out. are putting pinned to this. they're not killed. They're prisoners of war and he's got to free them. Even better. Even fucking better. Pinned.
00:25:47
Speaker
Who's holding them hostage? Who's America fighting right now? Krampus. Everyone. Everyone. Okay. It's a group of terrorists of and multiple ethnicities that aren't white. That's how you get that made. Even when there's wars going on, we're like, well, we kind of are on both sides. So we're technically going to fight everyone. We can't have the Russians in this. We might need them later. Except for Palestine. We're not on their side. No, we're not.
00:26:09
Speaker
Anyway, nop so they're setting up for the holiday party. You've got the villains all walking around and it's pretty obvious to us. I mean, it was obvious the first time I saw the movie, but nobody. These are rich people. They're not paying attention because those are the help. Yeah. Because you've got like... Don't look him in the eye got the guy that plays Krampus who's like... He's dressed like an elf and he's decorating the tree. far favorite in this. And he a villain. He's a villain. Like this guy in real life. I don't know him. He's probably a nice person. This guy is waiting for people to fall asleep right now in America. Yeah. Like as an actor. He is... Maybe it's a good thing. He's like putting on a show. He is such the creep. And I love it. And then like kind of the lead one that isn't John Leguizamo.
00:26:47
Speaker
ah Bjorn. Bjorn. Yeah, but... He's the one whose character name I got mixed up, so I'd written down the wrong name, and I forgot to go back and check. Gingerbread. Gingerbread, gingerbread yeah. What's funny, because I looked up the actor, and it's Andre Edgson, Eric with a K, by the way. i'd say That's how you it. That's smart. And your wife was like, oh, he's definitely been on the show Vikings.
00:27:08
Speaker
He has. You never saw his face. He played cloaked figure. Yeah. like like Black cloaked figure. Black cloaked figure. So it's just crazy. Like, hey, he's been on Vikings. Yeah, but how'd you know? Yeah. I saw his face. I heard him talk. I saw that butt. Beautiful blue eyes. Hitler's wet dream walking around. Was Hitler German or is he just fucking Danish? Did he really like Danish people? Yes. Yeah.
00:27:31
Speaker
He also really liked Danish's, but not with the cheese. Well, who doesn't? I don't want the cheese Danish. It makes me gassy. I just want the Danish. I want strawberry. The problem is I do love the cheese Danish, but it does make me gassy. Yeah. are oh Oh, I know where to put this gas. Oh. Honey, going to pull the blankets over your head and fart. I call it the gas chamber. Merry Christmas. Is that why they call it a Dutch oven?
00:28:03
Speaker
And they also the bartender. Oh, darling. Oh.
00:28:09
Speaker
ah Also, this bartender lady, Candy Cane, her call sign, she looks like also looks like she's there to kill people. yeah Yes. I said it right away, diehard villains. and She looks like a Russian assassin. yeah Definitely.
00:28:24
Speaker
If you are looking your help in the face instantly like, hey, what what's her deal? Actually, what's his deal? Why do they look like Viking twins? How professional are you? You're cutting it width-wise? You're supposed to cut it length-wise. What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm not going look you in the face, but I will actually criticize you.
00:28:43
Speaker
And we meet the family. we have Alva, who's played by Edie Patterson. Which we know her from. Righteous Gemstones. ju Vice Principals. All Vice Principals. Knives Out. She's done a bunch of stuff. She's Knives Out. haven't seen that in a while. Okay, I love that movie Vice Principals is awesome, too. Yes, it is. it needed That's good Goggins. That is good Goggins. It's like 12 episodes, I think, maybe, give or take. Yeah.
00:29:05
Speaker
That's good Goggins. It also has a McBride in it, doesn't it? Oh, it's his. It's it's all him. Not all sorry. Danny McBride and Walton Goggins are Vice Principals. Yeah. There it is. Yeah, well, really summed up the show Vice Principals. And then they do some Danny McBride written shit.
00:29:23
Speaker
Uh-huh. It's very McBride-ian. Yes. No, like Eastbound and Down is one of his brain children. Obviously, Gemstones, Vice Principals, couple others. you Ever seen The Foot Fist Way? Yeah.
00:29:35
Speaker
That's an early McBride that I enjoy. Yeah, was pretty entertaining. He hadn't quite found himself, but he's getting there. Yeah. But it was still pretty good. Yeah. Who's that weird kid? Oh, that's on... ah He's pounding down. His fan? The dude hangs out with all the time. Yeah. His best friend, who he hates. Kenny. Kenny. Yeah.
00:29:52
Speaker
Anyway, his sister is like the sister. Alva is like the stereotypical rich bitch. She's talking shit to everybody being an asshole. She's talking shit to the bartender. She is talking shit. That's how you get fucking spit. What's up, limp dick? That's how you get Spitting your drink or sneezes at least. She's talking shit to the last moment of the movie. Uh-huh. Yeah. She says like one nice thing in this entire movie. It's not even nice. It's not even nice, but it does help the ending. Yeah.
00:30:19
Speaker
No, she's a fucking turd classic. And then her son, Bertrude. Bertrude. Bert, played by Alexander Elliott, who was on that show, The Hardy Boys. So couple of not f he's not Bieber. He's Justin Bieber. He's got the, you know, the bandana with little bangs pulled out. or Not bandana, a beanie. Little bangs pulled out. e If he was a girl and this a backwards hat, I'd love it. Right. But he's a boy with a beanie, and I hate it. Yeah. And he's like a little social media influencer douchebag. What does he call himself?
00:30:50
Speaker
burt It's the Burt Locker. yeah It's the Burt Locker. Oh, is that a Hurt Locker? Yeah. Oh, I hate him. I hate him. And then her boyfriend, the the sister, Alva, not the boy. Yeah. Her boyfriend, Morgan Steele, played by a guy named Cam Gigandette. Morgan Steele.
00:31:07
Speaker
He was in Twilight. Yeah. oo The first one. Yes, he is. He's looking at you. He's the bad vampire. That's like when they're playing baseball in the beginning. They're like, you brought a snack. put order All vampires are bad. No, he had a name, James. And I was like, you'll know who this is. kind of thought he's one of the like, he's the villain. The sad little emo ones that come into the kitchen or the cafeteria or no, just the baseball.
00:31:32
Speaker
Just, well, no, they don't go to the school. He's the villain. is This is so stupid. Dude. Sorry. Is he one of the vampires that comes to the cafeteria and messes them before baseball practice? So it's when they're playing baseball and then also at the end of the movie. It's like Twilight is the second best of all the Twilight movies. I think I gave it two stars.
00:31:51
Speaker
Yeah, we've talked about that. And I know you love him. I'm being a shithead. Yeah, I'm going to make him watch him again next year. Yeah, well, not me. Nope. Don't give me that look. We need video podcasts just for the look there. Gabe, he's like, your eyes said,
00:32:05
Speaker
be ah no, no months really can fit Twilight in there though. Can I? I can't pun it. Twi-lember. Nope. There's no, it's not punnable.
00:32:17
Speaker
Can't do it. I don't know. October's got vampires. Nope. Can't do it. It's not punnable. Shepherds. Mm-hmm. It's August. Yeah, they are they are all supposed to be playing children even though they're 35. They're 3,004 years old.
00:32:32
Speaker
They're vampires. They can't be children. But I did read a thing about this character, Morgan Steele. Morgan Steele. Apparently, he's based on Mark Wahlberg. Oh, bro. What's up? Is this movie making fun of me? Yeah. Oh, man. I thought I liked this movie. Santa Claus a fucking Viking. now I'm having a bad time.
00:32:50
Speaker
Because much like Mark Wahlberg, ah Steel stars in several films about the military. He says he could have stopped hijackers on 9-11 had he been aboard of the plane, which is a claim that Mark Wahlberg made and then apologized for 2012. Wow. love it.
00:33:04
Speaker
wow i love it Hey, if I had been in that fucking plane, tell you what, wouldn't it crashed. It would have been raining bodies over Connecticut. yep They're just lucky they weren't fucking Asian. I would have found a way up there. I mean, that's Eastern Asia, technically. No, bro. I'm saying from fucking I'm from You know where I'm from? Because I don't. Boston. Fucking ha Asians in Boston. You're from Dorchester. I'm from fucking Dorchester. Knock, knock, knock. Who's there? your front Dorchester.
00:33:34
Speaker
But that knowing that now i will kind of want to watch the movie again Just to watch him get shot a bunch of times Yeah, that's not bad And he even announces what he's doing Parkour Barrel roll Sidestep Oh, fucking parkour I do like the the Jason, the dad character is like, wait, tell about me Mr. Hassle He must be a pretty good actor He's pretending to be able to deal with my sister, isn't he? Right? I do like this little scene. These are terrible English accents. No, I actually liked yours. Mine's actually the worst, but it's fine. I do like the scene between the James, oh, not James. What's his name? Jason? Jason.
00:34:13
Speaker
ah And his estranged wife. Like, they're getting divorced. That's the whole big secret. oh yeah yeah yeah um and she's like all right well give me the goss i need to know and so they're just sitting there picking on every single one of his families because he hates every single one of them because they're all douchey greedy pieces of shit but then we find out he's also greedy they they hate each other they all hate each other he hates all of them nobody there likes anybody nope except for linda linda and trudy seem like they're like humans they're yeah Yeah, Trudy's the best, and then Linda's the the mother? Yes. yeah Oh, yeah. She's the only one that's like, she might be a great person to be sharing these people. Yeah.
00:34:52
Speaker
And then we meet the matriarch of the family, Gertrude, played by Beverly D'Angelo. The one and only. The incomparable. Beverly. Welcome back to Christmas, Beverly D'Angelo. Golf clap. Golf clap.
Exploration of Santa's Character and Magic
00:35:09
Speaker
Fucking Christmas royalty. Yes. You knew what you were doing when you cast her, the way. Yes, you did. Well, and she's good at playing a bitch. i Yeah. Oh, this voice, though? Like this cold, waspy shit. Her fucking smoker's voice? Oh, her
00:35:27
Speaker
Merry Christmas. She could get it. You can deck my horse. And they are the the siblings are arguing because like Trudy is short for Gertrude. And the sister's like, you named your daughter Gertrude. That's sucking up bullshit. Dude, you named your fucking son Bertrude. Well, I mean, we can't all be lucky enough to have daughters. Bertrude's not a fucking name. Sorry, Bert. and hey And he does. She does. Trudy does tell grandma. She's like, everybody calls me Trudy now. And she's like, sounds like a whore.
00:35:57
Speaker
Whoa. She doesn't even know what that means yet. it's like What a fucking old money thing to say. Tell me that's not something or you would have heard one of your Oma say. oh Not necessarily. They would have been a teensy bit racist and less whore.
00:36:12
Speaker
Correct. It would have been. don't want to even give an example, but it would been. Well, why is your daughter? Non inward. Right. But along those lines. Why is your daughter half black? Would have been the question. yeah You've seen she's 10. You knew this already. Yeah. But did you can you fix it? Oh, my grandma would have walked right up and said, oh, my God, mixed race babies are so cute. Like, oh,
00:36:34
Speaker
I don't know where to say that, Grandma. I mean, thank you. German and Irish. That's a mixed race. But it's white For whatever reason, it's different. You're red. Right? I know I am. It's red and white. you Christmas right there.
00:36:47
Speaker
Shit. You are a candy cane. And we do see like a montage of Santa delivering presents and getting more fucked up, stealing beers from people, which is nice. Oh, yeah. oh if you don't leave a beer out for Santa, he's going to steal it. That's your problem, not his. But he's and he's like, it shows all the shit he's talking about, though. Like the stockings are already stuffed with 20s. There's the Christmas tree just has Amazon packages under it. They aren't even wrapped. One of these lists as cash, cash, cash, cash video games. Yeah.
00:37:13
Speaker
alright Fuck these kids. but Also, if you take out a six pack to drink on the recliner and you leave four in there. That's for Santa. yeah You only drink two beers and pass out. That's on you.
00:37:24
Speaker
Yeah. Those beers are up too for grabs. Those were those were his. I've been drinking beers. Yeah. I guess so. I go home to the bar. I need one more six pack before I go to bed. You've been drinking for 12 hours. One more six pack. And I think I've had enough. I mean, I've done that, but not with a six pack. But i'm also, yeah I'm drinking stronger beers most the time. Cracks that second beer, though. And like, oh, my eyes are getting heavy. Knees weak, arms are heavy. Mom's spaghetti. I wish I had it. And then he barfs up spaghetti on his shirt and falls asleep. Been there. That's why you got to sit in the chair so it all goes down. If you're laying down, it's... Oh, it's like you're a fucking reverse Bond Scott machine.
00:38:01
Speaker
But then he gets to this house, right? Yeah. Well, I do want to mention, too, that he pisses off the sleigh, which is hilarious. died. Let's move on now. Oh, yeah. Right on Washington, D.C. Pissing on politics. I do like him going through the houses and eating the cookies and drinking the milk. Mostly unhappy with it. Judging all of Yeah, judging and mostly unhappy. Yeah.
00:38:25
Speaker
Skim. This is store-bought shit. yeah Box of cookies sitting there still. You've got to put out store-bought cookies, throw them in the oven, put a little frosting on them, pretend you made them. You know my house who would have been judged real well for them cookies. Your mother still makes the best. That's why Santa Claus still comes to my house. Don't tell me he's not real.
00:38:46
Speaker
I think it just came down to like my parents were like, need him I remember there being times where my mom was like getting stuff. She's like, well, these are cookies for Santa. And I'm like, those are low fat. And she's like, yeah, don't worry about it.
00:38:58
Speaker
She's like I have to eat them. All right, fucker. When you put your little shithead head to bed, i have to go eat these cookies and make it low. I'm getting low fat. And i remember as a kid to my dad saying something, like we should just leave whiskey for Santa. And I was just like, OK, my mom's like, stop.
00:39:15
Speaker
You know what Santa wants this year? There's a scratch off, a box of condoms, a bag of cocaine. Santa loves cocaine. How else do you think he gets around? That's his magic nose power. What year there's no VHS of lethal weapon?
00:39:30
Speaker
yeah Not me, Santa. Santa wants a VHS of lethal weapon, cocaine, box of Connie's, some rum. i Don't need a mixer. Santa doesn't need a mixer, not me.
00:39:42
Speaker
He's got nog on him, I'm sure. Are you my stepdad? I'm my own stepdad. Stepdad loves rum. Lethal weapon. Just a smart man. Scratch off. Just a smart man. He's mad at my mom. He doesn't need the rubbers. It's Merry Christmas. Well, no. It's in case you want to like go handle peppers later. ah Yeah, you put condoms on your hands. Put condoms your hand.
00:40:06
Speaker
That way they don't have more peppers. With zero spermicide, right? Yeah. Yeah. What's that? No lube. Oh. Well, you can put the spermicide on there. It'll make your salsa sterilize people. Yeah. I don't want more peppers.
00:40:19
Speaker
But so then Jason and Linda give Trudy a little walkie talkie and it's like, oh, this will make it so you can talk to Santa. Because he forgot to take her to see Santa this year. Yeah, he can't talk back to you, but like he'll hear you. Don't worry about it. And they overhear her like, I just only want mommy and daddy to love each other. They paid some fucking servant to listen take notes. Like, right, dude, look, your life is shit. Just pen and paper, write down everything my daughter says. Once you guys get back together. this is heartbreaking to write down. These two people are terrible. They're never going to get together. But I have to write them. Wish mom and dad stayed together.
00:40:56
Speaker
You have to rewrite this. There's a bunch of water on it. Why is it all wet right here? Your daughter got real.
00:41:05
Speaker
ah Then he gets to their house Yes And steps in reindeer shit Which is a funny gag Because I like shit Who did this? When he gets into the house though You know He dumps out the milk And this was so fucking gross he's if He sees this beautiful bar Which this bar seems far away from where people are socializing i guess this is a private bar this is they have another bar yeah this one of many bars yeah and he takes down some brandy and pours it in this glass but like there's still still milk in there oh that wasn't skim milk that shit was still he did say it was skim at their house yeah yeah this is why he dumps it out i was they like they liked the homemade he loved the homemade cookies hated the skim milk okay and he was like Because it's some like fucking 1692 brandy. And then the one cookie, she's like, I made it that make it look just like him. And she's like, exactly. That's his favorite cookie. It's like if I tried to draw a picture of myself. That's how good this looks. It's like that game you were introducing us to the other day where you put paper on your head and you try to draw without looking. All right, decorate this. Put this cookie on a plate on top of your head. Now draw the mouth. What the fuck did you just make? It looks like someone put Santa in a blender. This looks like a red swamp thing. Santa in a blender
00:42:20
Speaker
ah But yeah so he's hanging out up there Massage chair When's the last time Santa got a massage And that's so actually really that's a genuinely good laugh too Because he's vibrating and trying to drink the brandy And it's clinking on his teeth mean like he's He's making it He's good yeah he's very Your wife had said we don't know who else could do this so we could probably think of some people But he's going to it best He's just got he's got the stuff down. I mean, his ah but I don't remember his name, but his character in Stranger Things, he's Hopper. He's kind of almost exactly like this. He's like sad and divorced and an alcoholic. Yeah. but he's also like really warm to these kids. This is another thousand years added on to Hopper. Yes, exactly.
00:43:06
Speaker
I didn't see his Hellboy, but I imagine it might be different. I liked I liked him as Hellboy. I didn't like the movie. Oh, okay. Yeah. They did a reboot. It's canceled reboot. offer There's already another one out with some dude named Jack. What's wrong with Paul...
00:43:22
Speaker
Ron Perlman. He's old. he He probably doesn't want to do it. Nothing was wrong with those Hellboys. The second one didn't make very much money. dared bingo wasn't that very good. Yeah. Well, Guillermo del Toro's like, you know what? I'll just go make other movies instead. Yeah. People are going to watch them. it's I'm going to make that movie where that lady fucks the swamp thing. Like, yeah, I know. Yeah, I know it's not like a Marvel movie, but it is a studio movie.
00:43:45
Speaker
So you aren't you are beholden to somebody. And a camera to the toilet doesn't seem like somebody that wants to do that. Yeah. Yeah. um So then Gingerbread here goes into the security office to kick off this
Villain Introduction and Conflict Setup
00:43:59
Speaker
siege. And I like his little, yeah you my you Americans don't celebrate my favorite holiday, Boxing Day. He just fucking knocks this dude out. When he knocks out Eggnog Security Guard? Yes. Yep.
00:44:10
Speaker
One. like They're not one-liners, but they are Zingers. Cheesy. the Zingers. Thank you. There's zingers. oh It's a two liner, but you've got one liners in here. There are some one liners, but a couple like this where you have to set it up. well I mean, this guy didn't just come in and go boxing day. That's a one liner. Well, you know, but I mean, like you look at Commando. Commando is well known for being like one of the best one liner movies. a lot of them have set up. high lineers Sure. Can you get my friend a pillow? He's dead tired.
00:44:40
Speaker
That's a comma. That's one line. Did he pause? i don't think so. Also, he could just say, so he' he's dead tired. He's dead tired is a better line. Then I love being a one-liner, but I also like this setup stuff. It's just, it's not quite one-liner. And Beverly D'Angelo tells ah Judy Gemstone that she should have beat her kid. That's fun. you see I begged you to beat that kid earlier. Now you know what you got?
00:45:06
Speaker
Shitbird. Grandma, your Wi-Fi sucks dick. This Wi-Fi fucking sucks. Because they cut the the fucking... Oh, yeah, the Wi-Fi. Yeah, well, the internet at least. Dude, he grabbed every fucking cord plugged into this mainframe. He was like, i don't know which one does what. So, uh, all of them. And we meet our cast of villains. So we we are introduced to Johnny Legs. We get a sound off.
00:45:30
Speaker
Well, first, he does do that thing where he's coming in. There's that security guard. And he's like, my car broke down on the road. And then he kills this poor security guard who earlier in the movie was like, I just wish to be off for Christmas. But here I am. So fuck you guys. Have a good night. turns around in this fucking rich family making me work on goddamn Christmas. Fucking give me a $50 goddamn bonus. Got $300 million in the fucking vaulting over here on Christmas. Have fun tonight, though. Merry Christmas. Carry on, bitch. Give me a $20 bonus. Oh, I hope something rots off of you. Give me a fucking Jelly the Month Club for Christmas. hope private army takes over this house and kills all of you. Oh! When John was always like, oh, thank God. It's from fucking Waterworld. The guy in the oil the very bottom. Oh, Oh, my God. Well, yeah, he goes in there. We meet. So we have Jingle, who's played by guy named Finn McHaggart.
00:46:23
Speaker
Oi, Finn McHaggart here. He was in The Last of Us and The Boys, but like small parts. Peppermint, who's that really, really big black dude. was like, this guy's got to be in stuff. A lot of these people are just stuntmen.
00:46:34
Speaker
Like they have acted in like six to 12 movies, but they have 45 stunt movies. And it makes perfect sense, yeah especially for like this this. Peppermint has maybe two lines, one being Peppermint checking in. Yeah. So that's Raleigh Clements Willis Sugar Plum who Jackson loved with played by Stephanie Sy who was in Fubar.
00:46:52
Speaker
So that was besides Fubar when looked her behind me be four of the other movies are all Christmas movies. She is your soulmate. I love her bangs like they are everything. Krampus who we mentioned She looks like she has great feet Go on Played by Brendan Fletcher Who was in The Revenant He's one of the Scummy traitor Fucking frontier dudes The last roommate I had We were watching that Billy the kid almost said Billy the crystal Billy the crystal here He is Billy the kid I never heard of it So I didn't know But I saw it on the IMDb Yeah he's one of the guys Bob something Anyway he's a that guy You see his face like I know that guy Very very face He'll be back because he's in Freddy vs. Jason. Oh, we'll get there. Whenever we pull it out of the bag. Yep.
00:47:40
Speaker
Sometime next year because we already know what we're doing this year. We're at the mercy of the bag. ah Frosty played by Kane Aiden. Tinsel played by Fang Zhang, who was in Obi-Wan Kenobi as Spice Runner number two.
00:47:56
Speaker
Oh, weird. Okay. So when they went to that real neon planet. Yeah, I'm assuming that's the episode. Yeah, that that makes sense. And then Candy Cane, who I mentioned, played by a Mitra Suri. She was in Altered Carbon.
00:48:08
Speaker
And I wrote down who because you might know. She played Wedge slash Simone. Yeah, haven't seen it. I said like five episodes. Okay, somebody good then. Maybe one of the freedom fighters.
00:48:19
Speaker
But I only watched part of the first season. so I got my heart broken when they canceled it. Netflix. Canceling a show that I loved. Netflix canceled a show? Canceling a show. but i First time. first Never heard of that. First time. remember You guys remember? I mean, it's been a few years now. It's probably been eight years or something. But like...
00:48:38
Speaker
It was like a big deal when Netflix canceled like the first show that they canceled. They didn't cancel say anything. It was. Yeah, i think it was since eight. Yeah. And then they canceled that. and it was like, oh, my God, Netflix. And then it's just like, well, well, we released two shows a week. That's one hundred and four shows a year. We're going to cancel 89 of them.
00:48:56
Speaker
They're like no chaos. I wouldn't be mad if it was if if I didn't love it. You did. it It's a great fucking property. and Like we're done doing that. Maybe it was too expensive. Okay. And I never thought I'd say this.
00:49:08
Speaker
Don't get Jeff Goldblum. Like if it if it saves the show. Yeah. He's a God. You can that's cast him. That was part of the problem with ah Cowboy Bebop was they were like, well, it's just too expensive to produce. And it's like, okay, but you don't know what it got you.
00:49:20
Speaker
Yeah. Like, and they and then later on, they're like, well, look, not that mountain that many people watched it. I'm like, well, you canceled it. Before people had a chance to watch it. Why am I going to watch something that's like, I get if it's a limited series one season. Yeah. But if it was meant to be a big thing and it's like, well, we set it all up in season one and then you canceled it. i mean We almost didn't watch it because of that because I was super psyched. And then it came out. And I mean, it was like two or three weeks later. I was like, oh fuck it, dude. I want to watch this. I know people that didn't watch for that reason. There's like, why would I watch something I canceled instead of finished? I get it. I get it.
00:49:53
Speaker
um So, yeah, they take the compound. ah This candy cane chick stabs a bunch of dudes with scissors, which is pretty sweet. Super sexy. Very Die Hard with a Vengeance. Yeah. Which is one of the sexier movies you've ever seen.
00:50:06
Speaker
ah This chick, a fucking powerful blonde chick with knives. I didn't know i had type. Oh, I thought you were talking about because of i knew that about jerey Jeremy Irons. Also that. How well do you remember the Captain Planet cartoon?
00:50:21
Speaker
yeah I had a realization today we were talking about the the bad guys there's a blonde girl that has her hair over her face yeah and when you move the hair it's like a chemical burn and I was like I loved her and I was like oh my god I've loved toxic women my whole life even fucking little kid looking at the it's a literal toxic burn and I looked and was like well maybe she moves in with me I mean, of course I watched Captain Planet. It was kind of like Power Rangers without robots. ah Five teenagers with magic powers. Elon Musk going to fuck up your fucking fandom.
00:50:56
Speaker
Elon Musk is trying to buy Hasbro because he wants to own Dungeons and Dragons. Also, Hasbro also has Transformers, G.I. i Joe, Power Rangers. i think He-Man. That might be Mattel.
00:51:08
Speaker
That might be a Mattel. That might be. I can't remember. But also, I think he just wants a fucking action figure of himself. Yeah. no You must make an action figure of me. No one's going to make one unless I make them make one.
00:51:20
Speaker
I have karate chop action, and also i throw money. I fight pedophile. I fight i karate chop pedophile. You push the button and it goes, pedophile chop. I throw money blind and pedophile chop. I win. Number one, x is great. Yeah, his other hand has a cell phone that just says x on it.
00:51:40
Speaker
ah You are executed. Get it? Because I own X. Pedophile. So they go to lock themselves in the panic room, but Johnny Legs is there waiting for him.
00:51:53
Speaker
I hope your neighbor was walking by with a dog and we're just yelling petal pedophile. I chop pedophile, neighbor. I throw money at you and I chop pedophile. Harold, did you hear what's happening next door?
00:52:06
Speaker
ah But yeah so he takes the family hostage. Kill anyone else you find. Santa overhears this. And he's like, oh, fuck. I got to get out of here. yep But his reverse cocaine is not working. It's not because. Because it's like it's I think it's supposed to be that whole like there was like something in a song with like the red nose and the twinkle in his eye. And I think that's the combination. But it's not working because he's been drinking. Maybe I'm thinking. I think it's also like because he's sitting there going like like.
00:52:32
Speaker
Nobody believes. Gingerbread, ornaments or whatever and trying to do it. So i think it's like he's got to be in the Christmas spirit. And right now he's worried for his life. so yeah like yeah Christmas cookies. ah Milk that's not skim. Mrs. Claus. Oh, now I'm just horny. Drinking at a dive bar.
00:52:48
Speaker
Just me? oh You know I'm sitting next to you at the at the dive bar. And right here. And right here. So this guy Tinsel finds him and they have a little a little row. A tussle.
00:53:03
Speaker
And basically, i mean, i'm not going we're not going to describe all the action scenes. It's a lot of good action scenes. You should watch watch them. Yeah. But basically, Tinsel, he ends up he's trying to choke Santa out with Christmas lights. Santa throws him out the fucking window.
00:53:15
Speaker
and then the lights pull Santa out the window as well. Strong fucking lights, man. rich But this guy gets impaled on a giant icicle ornament, I would assume. Yeah, i guess. Because it's right next to some reindeer.
00:53:27
Speaker
This would be a stalagmite. Mite. Mite? Because it's going. Mite of ice. But it wouldn't just like, that wouldn't just, I mean, I guess if it's dripping off the roof. That's a dangerous thing to be happening. It's a dangerous household.
00:53:40
Speaker
this roof is like a castle it's not like it's just like up and flat it's there's no yeah i mean i told you guys about that time i almost died on bong water right
00:53:51
Speaker
I was in college and I couldn't smoke weed in my dorm. Oh, so i took I kept taking my bong out to my car and it was broken. So it was always in the same spot. So i would take the bong or the bong was out there. That's what it was.
00:54:04
Speaker
And I would take it out there. I don't want leave water in it because it's cold. It snows there. So I pour the water in, does smoke weed. I dump the water out. And after a month of or so of doing that, I went to get out of the car one day, stepped down in the snow, the thick snow, and underneath it was a humped version of this stalagmite icicle. And I stepped on that shit and just slipped and nearly smacked my head on the side of the car. And i was like, wow, that would have killed me. yeah yeah Someone would have come out and been like, that would have been the first death by marijuana. Yeah.
00:54:37
Speaker
But yeah, so he thrown out the window. he's stuck outside now. um giantny legs Johnny Legs punches Beverly D'Angelo in the face. I like because she's just coming at him. She's you obviously don't know who the fuck you are dealing with. And he looks her up and down for a minute like, am I going to do this?
00:54:54
Speaker
and like yeah Yeah, I'm going to punch her. I'm going punch her. and okayp I know exactly who the fuck I'm dealing with. um I just want to throw this in. this that When he falls out the window, that is when Santa gets the walkie.
00:55:08
Speaker
Oh, yeah. have No, he takes it from the other one. He takes it from the guy he kills with the star in the eye. Oh, that's right, because laying on top of his fucking body while talking. Oh, okay. So this let's presume that this guy's walkie-talkie got icicled.
00:55:23
Speaker
Okay. Or he just didn't even think about it, because he sees the body on the icicle, and he's like, oh, fuck. No, he saw He just kind of bounces. It's all covered in blood and gross. No, he's pretty bloody. I'd rather have one that's been fried by electricity than gross and bloody. Well, he's also not looking for a walkie-talkie. no, That's because Trudy is calling him at the moment. He finds it. He's like, hello? But yeah, like...
00:55:45
Speaker
Basically, Johnny Legs is like, hey, you know, I know all this shit about your life. I know. I know money. I know this. Yeah. I know that you have a private army. So, well, you don't know this. he's Like, yeah, I do. Well, you don't know this. Yeah, actually, I do.
00:55:57
Speaker
Actually, the line he's talking about the the private extraction team. And he's like, yeah, I know about them. I know their credit ratings. I know their dick sizes. I know everything. I know behind closed doors. You call them the kill squad, meaning that these guys do wet work. Yeah. Yeah.
00:56:12
Speaker
And Santa sees all this going on and he's like about to take off. Oh, because we didn't mention the sleigh took off. The reindeer left during the tussle. Because during the tussle, the gun was just firefight. Yes, there was was a firefight. And the deer took off. um I mean, that the guy that's playing their dad in Boondock Saints looks like Santa. Billy Connolly. Billy Connolly. Thank you. Yeah. That's what I'm here for. But he's like about to leave and he looks down and sees the little mutant cookie and he's like,
00:56:42
Speaker
fuck man I gotta help this little girl they frame it up real nice cause he looks into the window and all that you can see on these frosted windows is Trudy's face yep looking through super sad and he's like terrified because bach yeah this is why I am who I am yeah fuck I wanna go i can't call them pieces of shit and then just leave the sweet little girl to die I'm gonna end on my own naughty list that's fucking meta yeah and We also find out that the the reason they're here is $300 million dollars in cash that's in a vault. It was a payoff from the government to like grease wheels in the Middle East, whatever, whatever. But it somehow got lost. So Desert Storm we're talking? I think you're talking about right now or not right now. Oh, because it just got delivered and no one else knew. Yeah. So it is very recent. Yeah. it's for It's for shit in Afghanistan
Action Scenes and Santa's Combat Skills
00:57:31
Speaker
and whatever. and like But the fog of war, it just kind of disappeared. Uh-huh. Whatever.
00:57:37
Speaker
um The fog of war, by the way, refers, I think the first time we heard that term was the, was it 19, no, sorry, 18, the war of 1812, American soldiers actually accidentally fought, ah a shot on the set themselves because there's all the smoke and the fucking gunshots and yada yada and then you don't know what you're doing, so fog of war, they kill each other. i just know it from Starcraft. Okay.
00:58:01
Speaker
You're just kind of cooler than mine. Candy just looked at you like, are you insane? There's the parts of the map you can't see yet. So you're like, you're building your shit. And until you build the building and it clears out some of the fog, you can't see what's there. So you might build something and then it clears out some. And it's like, oh, there's an army right here. Oh shit. Okay.
00:58:19
Speaker
yeah Yeah. 1812. Now you learned something. Starcraft. Nope. 1812. Kids. First of all, turn off this podcast. ah Too late. How did you get your Patreon?
00:58:32
Speaker
ah Karate Chopped Pedophiles, kids. Yes, that is true. All kids should Karate Chopped Pedophiles. I do like, too, when they're trying to break into this safe, which is some super future techno safe. Right. Johnny Legs has that thing. He's like, you remember how it used to be? You just drilled holes and blew shit up. Maybe I'm romantic, but you drill a hole, you fill with some glycerin, you blow some shit up. Kind of missed those days. Missed those days, man. Because he's not a he's not into this hacker crap.
00:58:58
Speaker
Uh-uh. And then we have Santa Claus getting into a fight with Frosty. Who is one of the other guys. I never liked you. This is the star in the eyeball. This is a great fight. And this song, by the way. Frosty's good. this song. Don't de esta Santa Claus. Go look it up and imagine people being murdered to this song. Yeah, it's phenomenal. Awesome. Yeah, Frosty's got his number because he's a better fighter. Santa's maybe stronger. He's a Viking. Well, we find out he used to be a fighter, but that was least eleven hundred years ago. Yeah, or at least thousand years ago. Because he says he's been with Mrs. Claus for eleven hundred years. Oh, yeah. So makes sense. But yeah, once he puts the dude, the pool balls in the sock. This is a fucking great weapon. Right before that, he's pulling shit out of the bag to try to find a weapon. DVDs, video games. DVD Blu-ray of Die Hard. Well, at least we're referencing what we're doing here. Okay, good. And I love that everything's wrapped, but he still knows what everything is. Oh, yeah. He wrapped them.
00:59:58
Speaker
It's Christmas. He's got a good memory. He doesn't know how it works, though. But yeah, he fills a sock full of pool balls and just fucking starts wailing on this dude. And there's a bunch of crazy shit that happens. But the... Again, not talking to the action. Yeah, the denouement is... Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Slams his fist in the pool table, hits him in the head, but then it all falls apart.
01:00:19
Speaker
And the end of the fight, yeah, is... grabs the star that's fallen off the tree. But this guy's pulling adjacent though. Cause he's got something sticking his leg. Darts. Darts. He's got this fucking thing in his eye and he's like, just limping with his knife. Like, I'm still going to get you. Yeah. He stabs in the eye with the star. The guy's coming for him. And he's like, Santa last minute. He's like, Oh, just plug this light in real quick. and does is is is this this this It's the electrocution is funny, but this dude's head bursting into flames. Yeah.
01:00:48
Speaker
ah is even funnier. And the first shot where the flames start is CG and it's like a dude laying there. But when they cut back to it, they just put it a dummy there and that head is just on fire. It's so fun. Mild complaint is the blood being so CG. But we're talking about 2023.
01:01:05
Speaker
2022 2022 either way it's gonna happen yeah there is some practical blood here yeah it's just not all of it and when it's the spatters aren't exactly but like stuff coming out of people's legs and the the blood all over the bodies and all that stuff that's flying across anything though Yeah. Yeah.
01:01:22
Speaker
But then like ah Scrooge is trying to. We say John Leguizamo goes by Mr. Scrooge. Oh, Scrooge. I might not have. But this is where he gets the walkie talkie because he hears or he sees the walkie talkie and he's like, oh, maybe there's a police band. He doesn't know how it works. He doesn't know technology.
01:01:40
Speaker
And he happens to get to the same frequency that Trudy's on and she happens to be trying to talk to him. And it's walkie talkie. She has has earbuds. yeah So when he starts talking back to her, they just hear her talking to the walkie talkie and they're like, oh, she's going into a, you know, manic episode. She'll be fine. She's just talking to Santa guys. She's having a psychotic break. She's actually having a full on conversation. It's fine.
01:02:03
Speaker
It's such a cute moment too. Cause she's like, Santa, are you there? And he's like, yeah. Yeah. Are you Santa? Well, yeah. I'm sorry to bother you. I know you're super busy.
01:02:15
Speaker
ah um I'm taking a break. Taking a break. While laying on this dead man on fire with a Christmas star in his eyeball. He's got a dead guy a hammock. And he is talking about how they're all on. He looks her up on his little magic list. That's like a ah Tony Stark tablet. Yeah. And he's like, oh, yeah, she's awesome.
01:02:35
Speaker
It says that she's friends to animals and all this. She's Snow White. She invites nerds to parties. And then he pulls up the naughty list and it's all the people who are attacking the place. So he's got all their names and everything. And he's like, they're all on my naughty list, so I'm going to take a lump of coal and I'm going to shove it straight up. Butthole. Their asses. Well, she says, oh ass. even their asses. It's better because it's just the ass. And he's like, come on. You want to say what you guys did earlier? Yeah, we do. You want to stay on the fucking nice list. It's a fun back and forth. And I know that I'm in the same room, but like they have a good it's a dialogue.
01:03:10
Speaker
They have a good rapport. Yeah. And it's literally over a walkie talkie. Come on. You want you want to stay on the nice list, right? And he does get a hold of Johnny legs on the walkie talkie because he gets to their frequency and
Family Dynamics and Tensions
01:03:23
Speaker
he's there. Like they're looking for frosty and he's chimes in frosty. The dead guy in the basement.
01:03:27
Speaker
ah Let me ask you a quick question. Did he have a star in his face when you sent him to me? Cause he fucking does now. Let the family go and let me go deliver my presents. Yeah. Johnny Legg's just like, are you fucking with me right now? Like, you guys are fucking real. One of your demands is to finish your present route. And then we do get a one liner because he's like, you know what, guys? Santa Claus is coming to town. Yeah. One liner for sure. I mean, you can't not do that one. Like if they hadn't done it, I wouldn't have thought about it. But as soon as they did it, I was like, yeah, that has to be in this. And your wife covered it earlier. ho, ho holy shit. Yeah. You gotta do that one. um I love when he's like, I gotta watch this. I gotta watch this.
01:04:14
Speaker
We have Johnny Legs trying to... trying to figure out who Santa is because he's like, okay, you guys hired a Santa and we didn't find him or whatever. don't have fucking Santa. And he's like, I'm going to torture one of you. And they're all... Everybody except for Jason and Linda are like, no, torture them. They're telling, like, not me, just anybody else. But Jason is mom's favorite, so he grabs him and he breaks his finger with a nutcracker. They're ratting each other out, man.
01:04:36
Speaker
And then the thing, he's like... You know, they aren they aren't called finger crackers. Why don't you get that big one over here? I'm not touching his dick. and then he gets I've seen you scoop brains out of a dead guy's head. I'll scoop his brains out if you want me to. I'm not touching his junk. No problem.
01:04:50
Speaker
Fucking Krampus is like, I'll do it. My headcanon is this chick's a badass mercenary that's a lesbian. Yeah. And it's like, I'll kill you. I'll do all these nasty. She's just in a really dedicated monogamous relationship. And she's like, I'm not going to touch his balls. If my husband found out that I put a guy's balls in a nutcracker, there's going to be a fight. He's going just like, hey, you touch the balls? And then going to have to kill him. Well, yeah, I to touch the balls. Were you wearing gloves? No, because I didn't have time. You know, Mr. Scrooge, I'm tired of hearing about Mr. Scrooge.
01:05:19
Speaker
Go Scrooge. Mr. Scrooge. I don't want to crush his nuts, Mr. Scrooge. Can we have another lump of coal to put on the fire, sir? Merry Christmas. Oh, that's what we didn't get. go ahead, truy it Trudy at the end. like God bless us, everyone. There's no God in this movie. I wouldn't have minded if somebody said that while getting shot. God bless us. every ah Jason fucks everything up because Trudy's like, I've been talking to Santa and he's going to fuck your shit up. And he's like, Trudy, Santa's not real.
01:05:52
Speaker
And I just love the the reaction of like, even the mercenaries. Krampus is like, oh, did just hear that? Terrible way to tell your daughter Santa's not real. Real good. I know they're holding you hostage, but real good parenting, dude. But fucking Marky Markson, he's like, wait.
01:06:07
Speaker
Santa's not real? Bro, do you hear what he said? Hey, Bertrude. Do you just fucking hear what this dude just said right now? No fucking Santa. If there's no Santa, his name's not Bertrude. fucking know.
01:06:21
Speaker
It was what we kind of see There's something more to this Santa Claus because he's he's bleeding fucking like crazy. hu And so he goes to dress the wounds and he takes off the the leather jacket and he's got this leather armor. it's fucking ancient armor. Whatever this is, this vest. Yeah, that's like the I don't know. i don't know what it's like. Patches of leather like sewn together to be it's like it's a level four leather. he yeah yeah he hasn't upgraded chain mail yet. He's specced into other things like strength instead of defense. Yeah. He hasn't expected it. He has a high constitution, so it's okay. But then, dude, these fucking Nordic tattoos. oh It's just so badass. Yeah. And I'm going to give David Harbour respect. He is playing Santa Claus, so he's got to be chubby. But David Harbour has no problem being on screen and being like, yeah, I'm kind of a fat guy. I thought this. I'm watching this. i'm like, i wish I could take my shirt off like this. like He just owns it. He looks great, dude. Yeah, he takes it off. He's got the little belly, and he's look but he just looks...
01:07:18
Speaker
He still looks... He's like eighty s fat. There's a shirt that I saw this last St. Patrick's Day. where but There's a group of dudes that all had kilts on, and they're thick. Not...
01:07:29
Speaker
Not fat, they're thick. And just like all their shirts said, kind of fit, kind of fat. And it's like this Irish workout thing you do. And I'm like, I get that. You drink a bunch of beer and you lift a bunch of weights. I like this workout regimen. I've got a gut, but I've also got these fucking guns. Pow, pow. He's like fat because he's got the gut and stuff. But it's like in the 80s when you watched a movie and there was like the fat guy meant he was tough. Uh-huh.
01:07:54
Speaker
Like now you see the fat guy and it's like, oh, he's the bozo who's going to get taken out. And the 80s, was a big fat guy. You were like, he's going to beat the shit. He's going to pick up a human being and throw them across the room. Yeah. yeah, so yeah he could take my lunch money.
01:08:06
Speaker
but He does he's like stands up from fixing himself up and just immediately passes out. Fixing himself up he is him wrapping himself as a gift. so He sews it up. Yeah, he sews it up.
01:08:20
Speaker
But he covers it with something and then wrapping paper and a fucking bow. And he doesn't just tie it off in a knot. It is a better ribbon bow than I've ever done in my entire goddamn life. I told we know the elves make the gifts or get the gifts. so They're not making a video game.
01:08:36
Speaker
He's doing all the rapping. He's a great rapper. MCSC. They call me Claus and I can't. I got nothing else. ah They call me Claus just because.
01:08:50
Speaker
Don't ask my wife because she's the boss. Don't want to be on my naughty list. He's married to Brian Bosworth. Oh, I wish. yeah She's the boss. Stone cold in North Pole. It is cold.
01:09:05
Speaker
But we get a momentary flashback to him with like the Viking helmet just dripping with blood. He says the name is not Eric the Red, but it's something the Red. Yeah, well, they come back to that. But like the first one is just the passing out. It's Nicomund the Red. That's what he ends up saying.
01:09:20
Speaker
But like at this point, it's just like a quick flash of just like a like... David Harbor looking kind of scared, but also with this helmet on and just dripping with blood. Not like using sex. Yeah. Not just blood on him. Like his helmet has it's like he's in the rain. His yeah hammer, which we find out is skull crusher, by the way. Yeah. Is leaking. Yes. blood Like it's been drinking from the fountains.
01:09:45
Speaker
And like Trudy wakes him up by calling him and it's like, she's going to set up home alone traps. Yep. She's like like that movie home alone. He's like, I don't know what that means. Sounds good. Yeah. Sounds good. You said trap. So right. Cool. Do it.
01:09:57
Speaker
And this is when she's questioning things. Right. And he's, he's like, she's like, are you really saying that? Yeah. He's like, how do you know who needs you? who Who's on the good list? Whatever. He's like, this is when we get the first one. of I don't know. Christmas magic, man. don't know how it works, but it is Christmas magic.
Generational Media Consumption and Parenting
01:10:13
Speaker
Yeah.
01:10:14
Speaker
And then he does like recall. He's like, I remember a girl named Trudy Lightstone wrote me a letter at six and a letter at seven. And he knows all this stuff. And so she's 100% board yeah now. She's like, yeah. so i still I just got goosebumps thinking about that part again. Heartwarming fucking part. Yes. ah This movie could easily just be schlock and it would do well. like we We would still be talking about it, I think. Yeah. But it wouldn't be my... like This is an every every year Christmas movie for me now.
01:10:43
Speaker
You're welcome. look you could just You can watch a heartwarming Christmas movie and also watch a person get sucked through a chimney. You can watch a dude be a really cool Santa and then shove a star through that guy's eye and then turn it on. how old He turns into a fucking match. How old will little B be before she watches this? Probably a while.
01:11:01
Speaker
She's not into it. It's not about them not wanting her to see it. It's about her not liking nasty stuff. She's an innocent little girl. love it. And it's a different generation than us, dude. Yeah, so. Because at 10 years old, we would have all been watching this. Not even a question. And I'm not making a judgment. I'm even trying to sound like an old person. It's a different generation, and that's a good thing. Be softer. Be kinder. Yeah.
01:11:23
Speaker
Take care of yourself. Don't be us. Zoe definitely was... don't know. want to watch bloody stuff. She's okay with the bloody stuff. She's not okay with the sexual stuff. Yeah. As in, like, people would be kissing. We may have mentioned it before, but she wanted to see Deadpool, and that first one came out 2016, So she was... 8, 10, wait, 9? 12. Whenever it came out, she was somewhere between 8 and 12.
01:11:43
Speaker
Yeah. ah or twenty whatever it came out she was somewhere between eight and twelve I don't remember the year. kind of big And a lot of people were like, you can't let her watch that. And I was like, well, she wants to watch it. i well If she doesn't like it, she'll leave.
01:11:57
Speaker
yeah I'm not. I don't know. I always thought it was dumb. Like my parents did the thing like you can't watch this. I'm like, OK, now I'm going to watch it. So you have to now. Yeah. So like Beavis and Butthead in South Park, they didn't like that. I watched them.
01:12:09
Speaker
You know, so we were like, you can watch it. Watch it with us. We didn't take her to the theater. Yeah. I'm not going to be that fucking asshole who takes a child to an R rated movie in the theater and then everybody else has to deal with Thank you for that. We went and saw Deadpool Wolverine 3 and someone had like a two or three year old in there. And this kid. No, there was an infant, but there was a kid that was old enough to walk at least. Remember that little fucking. They were in the front row and that shit was just running around the front. That shit was just running around. Fuck that kid. That shit was a child. I love it. I'm not disagreeing with you. just the way that shit was running around the theater. Fucking gremlin.
01:12:44
Speaker
But we tried to show her Deadpool. And of course, it starts with that long sex montage. And two minutes into that, she was like, yeah, I don't give a shit about this movie. It just went to her room. Yeah, that's fine.
01:12:54
Speaker
I don't think it was even two minutes. I think it was 30 seconds. like They started kissing and she's like, ah and they started doing all kinds of crazy fuck shit. So she's a little kid from ah fucking Princess Bride.
01:13:05
Speaker
Yeah. Can you skip the kissing, Grandpa? Exactly. I'll skip it just this one time for you. But one more thing. She definitely fucked him in the butt with strap on. Yeah, she definitely didn't make it to the strap-on. so You don't want to explain that shit. What's love?
01:13:21
Speaker
What's a strap-on? So there's a thing we'll kind of skip over, but it does it does become important where Krampus is like, I got a good idea. You guys open your Christmas presents. And one of the ones is that he's just so sadistic. yes Jason, like they get Jason's present for ah Beverly D'Angelo and She's like oh, bottle of my favorite whiskey and a card. I knew you liked that whiskey, um you You probably we shouldn't read that card then, shouldn't you not? Governors, would you mind putting that card away? who could save it for tomorrow. That's another day. Here we go. We don't read it now, really. Tomorrow, wake up, have a good shower, Scotch. You know, like one does ah Read that shit in the shower Not now Put it away, mom We'll all go back to Virginia she reads it she reads it and keeps it to herself and kind of like It does come back I almost called her Judy because that's what she is in Gemstones I'm just calling Judy Gemstones I forgot right a yeah Alva or something alva but So Judy Gemstones What's it say, mom?
01:14:22
Speaker
What do you mean brother write on that card? Now i want to hear Beverly D'Angelo doing a British accent. Well, that's between me and him, isn't it? No, it's got to be a bit more smoky. Well, well you're just doing Roy Kent. Right.
01:14:35
Speaker
What's wrong with that? You know who I I'm very turned on now. I'm Beverly D'Angelo. You know who the fuck you were talking to? Yeah, we get the full story about him. Kind of. I mean, not a full story, but we see more. Yeah, he was a Viking warrior. He had Skull Crusher. He loved killing people. He doesn't know why he's Santa, really. Yeah.
01:14:54
Speaker
Kind of. You know, like he doesn't know how it works. That's what hoping for. We get like a prequel. I don't know. know I was watching this the first time, and I was like, oh, maybe they're going to tell us a little bit. But now that I've watched it again, because I only watched it in the theater. I recently bought the Blu-ray. This is the second time I've watched I was kind of more happy with just like, don't know. Kind of like the Christmas magic thing. Yeah. i don't know. I'm fine with him not explaining like the Christmas magic, but I wouldn't mind being like, well, why? Because he's he's he's a fucking warlord.
01:15:23
Speaker
Yeah. Why is he Santa? Maybe it's like it's like a thinner thing. Why is he Popo Shishol? It's like a thinner thing. You know, he killed the wrong person and somebody was like, Santa. Yeah. And then he had to spend the rest of eternity as Santa Claus. Oh, like Angelus getting a soul and now he's Angel? its I literally what i was about to say it's Angel and Buffy and Angel. You guys. see, he gets a soul from a... A gypsy. Gypsy. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. you know what? Just watch it. No. Okay. No, I will not.
01:15:59
Speaker
You can't make me. Look, he only loses his soul like four times. So it's great. He gets it back. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah. It's a long. He dyed his hair red. no There's one. No, he just got mean. He gets really. It's just so it's a long running TV show. They run out of ideas. Yeah. And you guys kept fucking feeding them by watching it. I watched it much after that. I was not feeding it when it was on the air.
01:16:22
Speaker
Did you feed it? Did you watch it on the mother and I would watch Angel together. Enablers. I saw commercials for Buffy and Angel because I'm pretty sure one of the wrestling programs, maybe it SmackDown, one of the- The Was on WB. WB, yeah. I watched a wrestling porno called Buffy and Anal.
01:16:44
Speaker
it's It's really similar. um he didn't lose his soul, but he definitely lost his hole. He lost his soul into her, you know what i'm saying. he He lost his hole. She won that match.
01:16:57
Speaker
But anyway, so the Kill Squad shows up and. But even before he shows up, because I have seen this, obviously, I knew i was like, this is a fucking I couldn't remember. I can't remember his name. He's Canadian actor. And I knew him from CW shit. I knew him from sci fi shit.
01:17:13
Speaker
Canada shit. Canada. Yeah. I mean, so is a guy named Mike Doppud? D-O-P-U-D. Dope-ud. Mike. Hey, boss. What's the name? Mark Dope-ud. I'm trying to think of a Canadian. Dope-ud. Dope-ud.
01:17:30
Speaker
Dope-ud. don't know. I got nothing. doing like New Zealand. I can't do a Canadian right now. i think your wife's probably like Dope-ud or something. Dope-ud. Mark Dope-ud? Who is looking at my woman?
01:17:43
Speaker
Who's idea was the corn? Dope-ud. Apparently, he's a series regular on the show Power, which I have not watched, but I've heard is good. Okay. But it's on Starz. What is it? Sorry. Power?
01:17:55
Speaker
No. They've done a bunch of like Power Book One. ghost like I heard you say Power. My brain started with Absolute Power. and You started singing Tech N9ne in your head? yep Oh, see, I was thinking Unlimited Power!
01:18:07
Speaker
Absolute Power. No, that's... this absolute power no that's yeah You said unlimited power? Yeah, from Star Wars. Oh, okay.
01:18:17
Speaker
I'm always going to Star Wars. Apparently I'm always going to Techie. Like he doesn't even know me. You're always Tech Ninen. I am But either way, I mean, like he's a big part on that, but he was in the 100. He's got like he's a character actor. So he's got like small parts in Deadpool 2 and some other stuff. Again, very recognizable. He was He was a somewhat recurring character on Dark Matter and Continuum, which are both sci-fi shows. Yeah, I think it's how I knew him Hence Canadian. Also, you said the 100. watched the shit out of that. Yeah, I don't know how much he was in, but he it. feel he's in that first season where there's still adults on the space station until it all... Yeah, I'm looking right now at his IMDb because I had forgotten to look him up, and just says 2018, and I didn't click it to go look, but it just has one year. Usually, they're on it for more years, it says 2018 to... Uh-huh. So he had a year. Yeah. Well, he is an adult, and all the adults pretty much quickly died on that, right? Yeah, except for Paige Tirico.
01:19:14
Speaker
Okay. she's the She's the mom, and she's also April O'Neil in the second Ninja Turtles. The second good Ninja Turtles? The second... ni did Not the Michael Bay Ninja Turtles? The Secret of Ooze. Okay. Yeah, sorry. All right.
01:19:29
Speaker
Cool. Yeah, and she's that's her. All right. didn't Excuse me, I'm sorry. wife is so over our shit. but there're the So they're the kill squad's there. They're getting ready to storm the compound. The guy does have a good line, though. He's like, I want i like my operations. Like, i fuck.
01:19:42
Speaker
ah Hard, fast, and minimal cleanup. All right, guy. Calm down. Let me take it slow and steady. Let her have a little bit.
01:19:53
Speaker
That's not what he's about. He's not. And Santa's sneaking around a little bit. And I love that he trips this motion-activated Santa Claus thing. But it's his voice. He's trying to choke out candy cane. Do you guys notice it's his voice, though? Is it? Yeah. I noticed that when we were watching it in theaters, and verified it today. It's literally David Harbour, like, ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas. Did look at this animatronic doll? Traitor.
01:20:15
Speaker
Traitor. And i love it because he's running away from this chick now. Yeah. It's ah it's a fun scene. and theyy king is that shit wo Oh, she's gorgeous. She's she's a sexy, knife-wielding... She's deadly. wielding She's very deadly. Femme bot.
01:20:31
Speaker
Yeah, we knew. Sadly, we knew her along, yeah. They get him and they tie him up and Johnny Legg's questioning him like, who are you, whatever, and he's like... I'm Santa And I don't know all these names. He goes through a lot of the names from different countries. I did a couple earlier. Pepe Noel. Perry Noel. He doesn't say Popo Popo That's Beer Fest for those who are interested. is it? Yeah, Tim Allen Santa Claus. I think they do it in Beer Fest, It's a very similar scene where he's being interrogated with police he's like, what's your name? like, Chris Kringle. And he's like, Pera Noel. And he names a couple of And he's like, Popo Sishol. Oh, okay. It's a very good Tim Allen movie. No, you know who thinking of? I'm just thinking of Popo. Popo. It's Popo. It's frustrating. It's very, very frustrating. It's frustrating.
01:21:16
Speaker
I love Popo. That's doll, right? Yeah. Well, I'm also going to defend that Tim Allen Santa Claus movie. I like it. i like it a lot. It's sacrilege. You're allowed. but Well, I know am. Thank you, Bill. What about the third one with Martin Short as Jack Frost? I don't even know if I've seen the second one. No, I've seen the one. I've definitely seen the second one. The second one has a terrifying robot Tim Allen. That's nightmare fuel. It is like, if okay okay, you're Primus fan.
01:21:44
Speaker
Wynonna's got a big brown beaver, the music video. yeah yeah Tim Allen, Santa Claus, that. oh Okay. I've seen the second one. I don't remember. I remember the first one very well. I watched it a lot. I will watch it every year. I'll admit that I watched it a lot. I don't still watch it. I do own them.
01:21:59
Speaker
Do you? All three of them. Oh, wow. That's why. Only because on Blu-ray. Only because when we were in the Disney movie club so that I could get like the Star Wars shit I wanted to get. No, that makes sense. i It was like they would do different sales and stuff. And it was like at one point it was like the trilogy of Santa Claus. And I was like, well, that's stupid. Do you own it physically or just? No, I have Disney Plus.
01:22:21
Speaker
Like that's just... Disney Plus didn't exist when I started doing Disney movie. No, no, no. I know. i I was just going. I was trying to talk to you with my eyes. I know what you're trying to say to him. Don't give me that. ah Nope. Disney Plus can take shit off of that.
01:22:34
Speaker
yeah like As we've you've pointed out. Yeah. So it's something that if I'm eventually going to cancel Disney Plus, I probably will i probably should own it. I mean, I only get Disney Plus back for when the new Star Wars shows come out. the Skelton Crew is over. We're talking about Skelton Crew right now and Han took shots first, by the way. Yeah, by the way. Check it out. You'll hear it here.
01:22:54
Speaker
Actually, you'll see it here, too. Yeah. Because we did video, at least for the first two episodes. You guys get to see us. Sorry about that. But we talked about the first two episodes. That should be out by the time you... It will be out by the time you hear this. three, two one. Because that'll be out...
01:23:10
Speaker
in about two hours a question mark for when we're recording definitely get done so anyway people call me a lot of things let's hurry up let's hurry up we gotta to get to editing how do we prove that i'm santa claus he's like go check on the roof prancer left a log yeah got steamy hunkadooky he's like a tasty log up there for you And like some shit happens. And this is when Candy Cane is like, ah she's like, maybe he's telling the truth. Johnny Legs has the best line, I think, maybe of the whole movie. Yeah. That's what I will use in my daily life. It's like, I know you're an idiot, but don't be an idiot out loud. yeah It's ice cold. because it uses it Santa is like, okay, Jimmy, I get it.
01:23:53
Speaker
Because he now knows who he is. Oh, that's what it is. he knows all their name And then Kira, you wanted to Are you mad because I didn't get you a fucking Huffy in 82? No, he's like he's like, did I not get you that Huffy in 92? You wrote me 50 fucking letters about it. And then her, he's like, you fed your brother worms. That's naughty. Yeah. That's naughty. And he's like so gin, because again, David Harbour. Yeah. It's just so gin, like...
01:24:14
Speaker
That's bad. Don't be that way. You don't feed your brother worms, bitch. And we find out the very. Oh, doesn't cuss, though. I know. I do. We find out the very. Bitch. Wishy-washy reason why Johnny Legs hates Christmas. So he grew up. His dad loved Christmas. All this shit got laid off. They had a shitty Christmas. But his neighbors had a good Christmas. So he broke in to steal all their shit.
01:24:35
Speaker
Scare an old man who fell down stairs. If wouldn't have broken in, Santa still would have delivered. yeah yeah That's the thing. You had no faith. Exactly. He's saying Christmas ruined my life. I'm like, you broke into the house. and like You're a piece of shit. You're finishing. He scared an old man who still fell down the stairs and died.
01:24:53
Speaker
And they blamed him for it. And they blamed him. That quote unquote ruined his life. Yeah. I still maintain if you would have just not broken into your neighbor's house, Santa would have dropped off whatever you were looking for. You didn't give him a fucking chance.
01:25:06
Speaker
And then in and here too that Johnny Legs does burn his magic bag and he freaks the
Villains' Backstories and Humorous Chaos
01:25:11
Speaker
fuck out. He's like, those are full of children's dreams. It's a really weird line to yell, by the way. It is. But it works. It was awesome. Even before he was guessing their name, not guessing, knowing their names, they were pulling shit out of the bag like, this doesn't make sense.
01:25:25
Speaker
Look at how empty this bag is and we're not stopping. This is a fucking ukulele. And the Bjorn guy, the bjorn guy i was like, I now know who he reminds me of. He reminded me of Ike from Tacoma FD. And just like how dumb. dumb is The big, big, dumb guy. yeah Yeah. And I see it.
01:25:44
Speaker
And Johnny Legs is like, who the actual fuck are you? I'm Santa Claus! Not anymore, motherfucker. There's no motherfucker. It should be. but then he Gun to his head, but he does his magic nose thing. First, sorry. dumps i just trudy dumps so Oh, that's right. It's a fake snow. And that's like, the reason I bring it up is because Candy Cane's like, is this some magic? like so Is he doing this with cineta magicgie doing the c Santa magic? like Is Pardon me. Is she not American? No, she's, I guarantee this chick's Nordic. Well, they said her name, he said her name was Kira. Oh, yeah. But the other guy said her real name was like, don't know, something Russian. I was going to say, she seems Nordic or yeah Russian, Slavic.
01:26:27
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Is this some sort of Santa magic? Oh, so good. Back in the main room where everybody's held hostage, Krampus hits Bert with his gun, which is pretty cool. Love that. I like watching a kid get hit. I was begging you to beat can kid fall off a bike all day. I can watch that shit all day. don't give shit about your kid. That's the exact scene that made me watch Letterkenny. I think you showed me that, or you said it to me. Yeah. I watch kids fall off bikes all day. This is the best thing I do. Except for kids falling off bikes. Fuck, I watch a kid fall off bike all day. I don't give shit. And I was like, okay, fine. I'll watch Letterkenny. I think he even sent the gif or something. I was doing the you thing of like, well, everybody keeps telling me to watch it. Which I understand. always respect that too. I'm like, look, I'm not going to, I'll pitch a part, but I'm not going to be like, dude, you got to watch. That's how get someone to not watch. Yeah.
01:27:15
Speaker
No, no, no, You are going to love it. You, you of all people are going to love it. Like, well, now you don't know me. Well, now I hate this. Yeah. I love when Krampus hits Bert and he goes, hashtag blessed. And those look a little. Again, you're playing a gremlin. Yeah. Like he is a goblin person and he's doing it so well. I love that he's short and he's in an elf outfit. I know him from something in a World War II movie. I can't think of what right now. It might be a band of brothers. Marky Mark fucking bounces. He jumps out the window. He's going to save us. Your piece of shit is running away. Sorry. Jean-Claude Van Dipshit just abandoned us. I'm fucking out of here, bro. I dove out this window. Look at that. I'm on feet now. Hardcore parkour. Barrel roll? That's a good one. I'm going to that move. Hey, there should be a movie called Barrel Roll. I should be a pilot. Write this down. What are you doing with that pen? Put it to paper. fucking Barrel Roll's a great movie. Let's do it. Look, in that movie, I can stop 9-11 by doing a barrel roll. I just got away. We'll make a movie called The Getaway. I'm on an airplane full of terrorists. I stop them. 9-11 doesn't happen. Time machines. Time cop. Is that a movie? Let's do it.
01:28:26
Speaker
Marky Mark is going to do a remake of Time Cop, isn't he? Yeah. If I have my way. It'll be a great movie to talk about on the podcast. I really hope that he tries to do the splits and like pulls the muscle. Oh, fuck. Oh, damn it. Oh, my balls, bro. How the fuck does do that? Was he a fucking gymnast? Can his voice voice get higher, though?
01:28:44
Speaker
um my balls, bro. What's it like being a dog? Say hi your mother for me. But yeah, Jason runs into security. Not Jason. Marky Mark runs into the security. I don't know who you're talking about. Real name. The kill squad. And they're like, he's like, yeah, they're in there waiting for you. And he's like, yeah, I hope so.
01:29:04
Speaker
Fucking ISIS this dude. played a bunch of soldiers. Semper Fi. like, well, unless these are Marines, don't yell Semper Fi at them. And also... Even if they are Marines, you aren't. Don't say it. Don't ill-semperify to them. and You're going to get shot. You did. oh Well, yeah there it goes. Numerous times. Johnny Legs comes out and meets them, and he's like, hey, you guys are late, whatever. du It's like, this guy's been fucking with us, and it's ah Candy Cane, who's like, he might be the real Santa Claus. the fuck did she just say? What the fuck is talking about? I don't know what the fuck is going on here, but ah real Santa problems? Jesus like Break into the vault because this guy has ah a key, a skeleton key to get into whatever. It's got a magic fucking like it's the doom. The key cards from doom. Yeah. You had to collect to get through doors. It's like a glowing blue key card.
01:29:56
Speaker
Yeah. Sure. um I thought of some sort of encryption bit. Okay. Yeah. Like it spits. Oh, oh's I need this. like Spits out Bitcoin. This is the key to the matrix. Yeah.
01:30:07
Speaker
But it's funny because ah Thorpe, who's the guy from the Kill Squad, is telling the story about like, man, I love Christmas. my um I loved unwrapping presents so much. My mom would give me empty boxes and I didn't care they were empty.
01:30:19
Speaker
And cue the exact moment of the vault opening. You know what it needs, though, is a line. I like it. It's fine. But it needs to be like, I don't even mind opening empty boxes until now. It's off the top of my head I think he says something along lines of like What the fuck is going on here It's a fucking joke It would just be nice like you just told that story Like don't even mind opening I love an empty box hate this empty box didn't say I like empty vaults This ain't a box dude
01:30:51
Speaker
ah Trudy sees Santa getting to the tool shed And she calls him and she's like Hey are you okay? You look kind of fucked up dude Yeah he's done He's like I can't make your wish come true So many more people just got here And then he found out like what was there And he looked at the list and he's like okay we're down to six yeah And he's been like kind of trying to whittle away And then like what are 14 new dudes show up The fucking kill squad Yeah So he's he's pretty much like I'm out, dude. Yeah. And she's like, look, Santa, what's your Christmas wish? I wish I could see Miss Claus and let her know I love her. um I love her, but she has an ass that won't quit. I would like to wear her eyes. That's that cranberry jelly, dude.
01:31:30
Speaker
Mrs. Claus does things with her good arm that makes you forget about that thing on her neck. And he's playing with his wedding ring and then it magically... falls out of his hand well you call it magically i call it slippery finger well i think i think it could be coincidence because you guys were talking about this during the movie but it is like that christmas magic thing because it falls off i'm joking then it like turns and rolls and gets exactly to a big sledgehammer sledgehammer yeah that's in a beam of light as if god is telling him fuck these dudes up i give you permission to be a badass it's No skull crusher, but that'll do, Pig. No, it's that will do, Pig. this is a
01:32:10
Speaker
This is a classic ass sledge. It's a baby skull crusher. A baby will. A little baby. Wait, that makes it sound like you kill babies with hammer. I just have to use this ball peen. They're so soft. What's wrong? Is he colicky?
01:32:25
Speaker
No more problems. Guess who's not going to be the problem here? No problem. I'm going to kill him anyway. what ah School question. and How many do you have? Eight? All I know in the voice like the person doing the killing is also a baby. That's my school question. I kill auto babies. i Baby Viking movie. Because i'm the top baby Viking. I'm Eric DeWed.
01:32:48
Speaker
I'm Weef Alex. You said that, and I was like, I want a baby Viking movie. And then in my head, i went through the CG boss baby version that they're doing, and i was like, that's insufferable. Yeah. Dude, you made up a movie that you hate. Oh, baby Vikings. i I'm going to watch that trailer and be like, no. Who did that produced by Derek?
01:33:10
Speaker
But yeah There's a cool Hammer montage Of him just fucking Go because This team The assault team Comes in Rainbow Six style Yeah There's even a guy Watching from the outside He's got all their Fucking vitals on cam Just Yeah he's He's watching He's watching the Twitch stream Is this aliens Or so there's something I'm I'm blanking Aliens yeah they They see the things Going out There's a bunch of movies Yeah bunch of movies But aliens are what I'm going with Right now I think Where it's like Oh but Lost signal on one What's happening there guys Oh Oh ah Somebody talk to me. Signal loss, signal loss, signal loss. yeah But he's just fucking these dudes up. like yeah Great, great action. Great blood. He does have a great line.
01:33:47
Speaker
oh because right before that, i just want to say he does have another little thing where he just shows him like working out with the hammer, like getting back into form. That's cool. But then he's like, Santa's going to eat these guys like a plate full of cookies. Oh, He can eat me like a plate. We also see. Calm down. Me too.
01:34:05
Speaker
Keeping your pants too. He does the thing that I think we all did as children, except that he's Santa, so does it better. He sucks the candy cane to a sharpened point. Yeah. We all did this in my family. like, if you couldn't actually stab somebody with it, you fucked up.
01:34:20
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It does it. at that It's one of those. but You chase each other with swords. We also I was going say we also stabbed each other. You guys have a. This is the least weird thing I've heard about your childhood. The fact that you guys sharpened candy canes into spears is the most normal thing. And then we would dart it. Less normal. Less normal. You guys didn't try to make it stick.
01:34:42
Speaker
No, we spun our fingers like a cowboy with a candy cane spear. The song that's playing and it's not a great song, but it works really well for the scene is Brian Adams. It's Christmas time. Uh huh. And he's yeah, he's not a great song. He puts the candy cane in his mouth while he's killing them. So he's like, if you had to do it before, but you got to give it like a twist and stuff.
Action and Humor in Fight Scenes
01:35:01
Speaker
He's just got Santa magic. He just sucks that shit down. 1100 years of sucking.
01:35:06
Speaker
My boy's got experience. He kills a guy with a skate, which is pretty... A couple guys with a skate. Yeah. He that one heat decapitate. He has to skate each Toe pick. And just fucking blade. Oh, I would love it if he said toe pick. Do you know that that reference? Cutting edge.
01:35:22
Speaker
The cutting edge. It's a movie about... He's a hockey player. D.B. Sweeney is a hockey player and gets like a concussion, can't see his peripherals, some fucking... Russian coach sees him and is like I will make you figure skater and he meets his partner and hilarity ensues but she keeps fucking him up and making him fall and just don't pick that's the quote it's a charming movie I recommend to everybody Jack and I going watch it it's fine yeah it's fine yeah you don't have to watch it but you would like it I'm sure we'll talk about it eventually give
01:35:55
Speaker
Two and a half to three stars because nobody dies. I'm thinking two. because Nobody dies? all right, two to two and a half. Nobody dies. No, I don't. care People don't die in every movie I love.
01:36:09
Speaker
What's your favorite three movies? Oh, that's tough, right? Okay, that's that's tough. I guarantee you. Go listen listen to our last year's Q&A and this year's Q&A that's coming up at the end of the month.
01:36:23
Speaker
Somewhere in there. Requiem for a Dream. Donnie Darko. Requiem for Dream is not one of my favorites. I just like watch it. Like Water for Chocolate. i guarantee you. What? Wait, what was the last one? Requiem for a Dream, Donnie Darko, and Water for Chocolate. Like Water for Chocolate. I know that. It's of some romance shit. I've never seen it. Oh, it's beautiful.
01:36:44
Speaker
your you You're guessing that for your husband's favorite? No, I was just trying to. Love Actually. ah There's definitely a Mulholland Drive in there. Yaya Sister Pan Traveling Hood. Practical Magic.
01:37:02
Speaker
Mystic Pizza. I can throw three at you that would be in the top. Okay. I mean, we got in the top somewhere. Big Lebowski, Mulholland Drive, Brazil.
01:37:14
Speaker
Okay, so I think Big Lebowski has the least amount of deaths. No, I mean, not that many people Mulholland Drive has death, but not that much, if I'm remembering correctly. All right Shut up drive. I just watched it other day, or the other day, three months ago. i just watched it last year.
01:37:31
Speaker
I just watched it like three months ago and also six months ago. Weird. But yeah, ah the last guy with the the one that's watching the Twitch stream, he goes out, chases this dude down. Well, he hucks his sledgehammer at him and then takes a grenade out of his belt and throws it in his pants. ah A one liner.
01:37:51
Speaker
But he starts doing the cool guys don't look at explosions thing. What's he say? stocking stuffer. Oh, yeah. But he he starts walking away with the cool guys don't watch explosion shit. And then he's like, I've got to watch this. Laughing delivery. I've got to watch this. Holy shit. It was awesome. Big, nice, a boom. It's like a geyser of fire just went up from the snow.
01:38:16
Speaker
And speaking of Big Lebowski, meanwhile, in the house, there's a scene where Johnny Legs is running around with a gun like, where's the money, Lebowski? To everybody. I want the money anyway. There's no fucking hostage. You don't get any fucking money.
01:38:29
Speaker
um But i I only want to mention it because of the line he has where he's like, this upsets me in a way that makes me want to shoot random people. um Excuse me. And then. It's Bert. Yeah. bur like Excuse me. ah What if you randomly shoot the person who knows where the money is? Fuck you people. He's so mad. It's like, God, don't come out here with your logic right now. But it actually helps him to do. is He's like, look, only the family would have known. So I can I can shoot an in-law. Yep. Yeah. And there's only one in there. Yep.
01:39:01
Speaker
Oh, that's right. already killed your fucking boyfriend. Marky Mark's dead. I'm actually not dead right now. I'm going sit outside bleeding real bad. If you want help me in, somebody can fucking help me live. You guys know I'm not dead, right? You see red in the snow. You don't see any brown. I didn't shit myself. If you don't shit, you can't be dead. So puts a gun to Linda's head, and then that's when, oh, Jason, spot on to you here. Nope, nope, don't do it. I stole the money.
01:39:26
Speaker
Right, i had a spot of tea and I thought, let's nick the money. Right? I was going to throw a nicked in there. Let's get away with all the quid. We nicked it, landlord. Now got to serve every pint of bitters as well as going to I got all the bees and honey. She had a rusted boat race That means she's fine But she's got a busted face Bees and Honey is one that I know From ah Green Street Hooligans you ever seen Oh I did Charlie Hunnam and Elijah Wood yeah Bees and Honey is like slaying for money That's one I remember really well Rusted Boat Race is a way for like She's she's not she's like butterface yeah it's a butter face But she's hot with a busted face Fucking Cogni
01:40:11
Speaker
Oh bugger her for a game of soldiers I wish I could know understand where How they come up with those it's like Well it rhymes i'm like right right But a lot of things rhyme with that No no no but that's the rhyme But it's alcohol proximity You had to be drunk while they were inventing it like It's like shit that we would come with right now And then' like tell your friends Yeah When I say Bonnie Rubble, I mean we're in trouble.
01:40:36
Speaker
Do you get that? No. ah Have you had a pint of fucking business today? Because I did when I made it up. Also had a bunch of mock cocaine. And ah we have ah gingerbread and candy find the hatch to the attic open. Yep. And if there's like a plate of spikes. Like it's like drill bits and shit laying out. You dumb shit bird. Yeah. You can't have a booby trap and unless you hide it, you idiot. And then he sees a spike on the ladder and he's like...
01:41:06
Speaker
the Moron! What the fuck is this, you dumb shitbird? But those latterdder the top ladder rungs are slippery. No, no, it's cut. She cuts one. It's cut. Because, dude, this guy puts all of his big old Bjorn weight on it, and it folds and just hot! Not fatal, but just hot fuzz. Yeah, hot fuzz. Touch that soft spot right behind your chin and then just shove a drill bit through there. and then like the candy cane goes up into the attic the girl has bowling balls set up and those all starts mouth chapter the live action game yeah the bowling balls come down and they knock bjorn into the spike bed and he gets up and then another one or candy cane kicks one more down he's looking at the nail that was stuck in his chin or whatever and then like the nail goes right into his head pretty good stuff It's a great scene. We're not doing it justice. We've always said in Home Alone, these guys would be dead they were hit by the blue dress. The spike goes into his head, then he falls onto the spike bed again, which is just like adding insult to injury. It's like you're already dead. his shit's going to come out of his pants like one of those Play-Doh machines where can press spaghetti. This one of the more brutal things because it's like this happens when he first falls on the spike bed he gets up and they show a close up of just like the blood and viscera stuck to that thing and then upstairs when Candy Cane gets into the glue trap that this girl set She gets all ringed call it ring because she's in an unnatural Yeah she's doing a weird crab walk and like she falls back and her head gets stuck to the glue rips it off you see Skull Skull
01:42:49
Speaker
It's the second most brutal murder in this movie. Oh, she's pissed. She's about to murder fucking Trudy. She's like because she does get to her dead to rights. And all of a sudden fucking sledgehammer. Peter Gabriel starts swinging in here. Oh, PD games comes in and I like he he has her like plug her ears and cover her eyes and sing Jingle Bells. So in the background of the murder is just a little girl saying Jingle Bells Jingle Bells. it's It's very fucking face off. Yeah, when the kids listen.
Themes of Innocence and Justice
01:43:22
Speaker
yeah so
01:43:24
Speaker
and just pop pop pop murder murder nick cage john travolta so while this is going on well all of that is going on that is pretty hilarious those are verbs by the way can you pass the uh christmas pass the christmas whiskey wait a minute so hold on it Christmas whiskey, recording whiskey, edit whiskey. What is what it's Thanksgiving whiskey?
01:43:53
Speaker
Also this. Okay. It's whatever bottle we have available at the time. Santa goes up to Candy Cane. Oh, you were going to murder a nerdy child. Murder a nerdy child. You were going murder an innocent child, and that's naughty. yeah She's not that innocent.
01:44:11
Speaker
Blam, smashes her head open. But it's him again like, that's naughty. it is naughty. Don't be fucking naughty. Yeah. Santa does not like naughty girls. No, he does not. He does not like naughty people. Not this Santa. And so while all of that is going on, Linda, Alva, and Bert, Shrewd.
01:44:31
Speaker
And Simon and Theodore. Are be are being watched by Krampus. And then oh yeah he's like everybody else is going out to get the money. He's like, murder time, motherfuckers. Yep.
01:44:43
Speaker
That's when we get the, it's time for murder. And they're all confusing him. Like, no, shoot him. Shoot her. Shoot him. shoot him don't it's Don't call my mom a fucking bitch. it's very genuine because you people don't like each other. Yeah. You alcoholic bitch.
01:44:58
Speaker
Like, just back and forth. like did it he's like Don't call my mom an alcoholic bitch. She is an alcoholic bitch. Shut up! and of judy or sorry yeah Judy Gemstone fucking saves the day with by drinking a fucking 100 proof vodka. callw Right into the fireplace. Flame And then they just beat him to death with fireplace implements. This is the most brutal murder in the movie. It is. Because they beat him to near death. yeah With fireplace tools Like alright he's dead And he gets up like I'm gonna kill And then they just Run him through With the fireplace poker Through his throat Oh god I mean the most painful don't The most brutal Might be like The one of Well not the last one But the second to last one It's pretty brutal
01:45:39
Speaker
Okay, yeah. But at least that's instant. Pretty instant. This is three weaker people just slowly beating you with chopsticks. Yeah, you got a drunk wasp, an engineer, and a TikTok influencer. Justin Bebber.
01:45:55
Speaker
Beating you to death with fireplace implements.
01:45:59
Speaker
And
Santa's Identity Revelation and Family Unity
01:46:00
Speaker
then that's when Sant T. Claus walks in with Trudy and Linda's like, oh my God. Thank you. Everyone's like, thank you. say Who are you? Santa Claus. santa claus ah I've been saying this all day. I'm fucking Santa Claus.
01:46:13
Speaker
I don't want to fuck Santa Claus. What's so hard to get? ah well and then it's the mom who's like, it's good to meet you, mister. And he's like, Claus. But you can just call me Santa. Please. Call me Santa. Santa Claus. Are you not getting this yet?
01:46:28
Speaker
And then outside, they're getting to like this little manger scene, which is where the money's hidden. And um there's a little a shootout starts because he gives Linda one of the gizmos, he calls it.
01:46:40
Speaker
Yeah, do you know how to use his gizmo? And she starts firing on them. So there's a whole shootout. She shoots a guy in the nuts. Yeah, she shoots guy right in the dick. Shoot me in the head. He's like, why'd you shoot me in the nuts? Because it'll hurt more, you twit.
01:46:56
Speaker
And ah some of the people run away to the climax of the movie. But fucking Jason comes out. He's like, I'm gonna hit you with Jesus. don't I. And he fucking hits this dude with this little fucking clay. Jesus. He's my savior. He's the savior of the die. Santa comes out and grabs a sled, starts chasing the other people. I just need this to bargain. I'll be right back.
01:47:21
Speaker
and And like he uses the sled to get down jumps and it's so dumb and implausible, but it's just so funny because you show him going down the hill towards these dudes on snowmobiles over their heads. Yeah, he goes.
01:47:32
Speaker
i mean, that guy jumps off that. It goes way over them. But then it cut to he just kicks this dude right off the snowmobile. ah Thorpe, the main guy. Give me a moment. Christmas force. Christmas magic, I don't understand it. i don't it's like They're like magnets. They're just a miracle.
01:47:51
Speaker
And also in there, Jason and Linda make up and they kiss and Trudy sees it and it's sweet. She's like, oh my god, my Christmas gift is here. love you all too. Me and you and the daughter should move back to El Paso where we're from. Yep. Back to the branch where we raised ostrich.
01:48:07
Speaker
We sell turquoise. It's where I was born and where I was raised. I was born and bred there in El Paso.
01:48:18
Speaker
I am, I am. That's how you get British. You got to say I am, I am. I am, am. You sure that's not Popeye? Yeah, yeah. But there's the whole thing at the end. Johnny, like um Johnny Legs tricks Santa into crashing into this little like derelict house that's out here. Toros him. Yeah. Or Olay. Like he bowls him. Olay. And moves away. Oh, in a stump.
01:48:45
Speaker
And they have a little face off in there. He does find the naughty list. And the only name that's left is his, which turns out not to be true. But it's it's his name. And it's like it says stuff. ah I didn't catch everything. But one of them said he one of them says he killed his best friend. Broke his mother's heart. and in he I think we're wrong, but Whitney thinks that she saw one that just said Jewish. and if that Maybe it said selfish. his selfish jimmy martin that That makes more sense because his name is Jimmy Martinez. also like just Hey, I worked for ah Mario Balanzuela and he was a Jewish Catholic Mexican.
01:49:19
Speaker
Well, that's a lot of things going on. You can't be Jewish and Catholic. It's just not how it works. He was. That means you just get to stay in purgatory forever. Yeah.
01:49:30
Speaker
That's an easy way to take a plow out of yourself.
01:49:34
Speaker
But Johnny Legs, they have a little battle. And he's like, Christmas dies tonight. It's because he hates Christmas. You know these little boots that he's got are called? Yeah. Cramp skulls. crampons Crampons. Cramp skulls. I will never forget that. It's those like the blades that stick in the bottom of your shoes. Yeah. Crampons. Like the because he's got an ice pick like for not like for climbing. Yeah. And he's got those boots, which are also for like ice climbing. I'm like, were you planning on climbing a sheer cliff? He planned on killing everybody and descending down the cliff.
01:50:06
Speaker
Okay. Fair. I'm guessing. i don't know He seems like the type of guy to kill everybody. He would full Joker. Like he's Ledger. Kill the next guy. Kill the next guy. I'm the next guy.
01:50:16
Speaker
ah There's multiple explosions, so I'm not sure which one this is, but my note says Explode Mobile. Oh, because the gas is leaking. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Okay. Oh, he's almost got Johnny Legs face on this. Yeah. And i was like, do it. Do it.
01:50:31
Speaker
Doesn't. Yeah. they They're because of the hammer and the ice pick make a spark, which ignites the gas leaking out of the snowmobile. It explodes. They dive out of the house. That's right. Okay. And Johnny Legs has him dead to rights. Oh, yeah. yeah Whooping the shit out him. Crucifies him just about. yeah Pretty much. You know
Climactic Showdown and Resolution
01:50:50
Speaker
why, though? Johnny Legs hasn't fought anybody all night.
01:50:52
Speaker
Yeah. Santa has killed everybody. He's covered in blood. Yeah, it's yeah mostly not his. And he's got this gorgeous little man bun going on. Oh, he does. oh Yeah, he pulls his hand off with the one nail in it and stops Johnny's legs from killing him. or yeah Yeah, it was that sickle.
01:51:09
Speaker
I'm sickle to my stomach. Kind of like wrestling down to the ground and there's this chimney that's sitting right next to them from like some previous house that was there. It's beautiful. It's Yeah, i mean it would be like the foundation of a house would be the chimney. and santa gives his little santa magic touch johnny legs is like wait what folded him in half dude i remember watching this in theaters i remember and it was not a full theater but it was pretty full it was a smaller theater it was still pretty full and the whole place is just like oh because he gets folded in fucking half and Santa appears at the top of this chimney with just blood rain all around him and and this is where you're supposed to kick in Slayer raining blood the vampire's wet dream it's the old faithful of typo negative
01:51:59
Speaker
That was me sticking my tongue out catching No, I think everyone knew. But he has a little celebration. He starts ho-ho-ho-ing. Whitney's vampire, gets blood cocky. He starts ho-ho-ho-ing and gets shot a bunch of times.
01:52:14
Speaker
Thorpe is still alive, and he's like, I don't know who you are, and i don't know what the fuck is going on, but this is going to end now. saw some Christmas magic that I don't understand. But then Gertrude, he's like, this is over right now. And then Gertrude, beangelo yeah Beverly D'Angelo, shows up. You bet your ass it is. Bam.
01:52:32
Speaker
Blows this fucking dude away. I love that. No hesitation. Just fuck you. Yeah. Cause this is the guy that responsible for this entire night. Yeah. He's the inside source. Yeah. Cause we didn't talk about it. John leg was almost like there has to be money here. I have people on the inside, yada, yada. This is the guy that he, that helped him give the key. This is the, also the person that's supposed to be your kill squad.
01:52:54
Speaker
Yeah. He turned them. Fuck you. I'm shooting the head. Yeah, exactly. She was so happy to. Santa's dying. They're like, we have to keep him warm? Question mark. So, yeah. And also, can we roll towards the house that's on fire? This cabin, this shack. Yeah. They do mention like the fires are starting to go out or whatever.
01:53:13
Speaker
But like, so he's he he grabs some of the money to burn it to show that he's grown as a character. It's just only for that reason. Yeah. But okay. We say grown as a character. 300 million was the total. You burnt half a million. but He's not upset about it. Judy Gemstone, on the other hand. She's like, he's already dead guy. He's basically dead. Why are you going to burn the money? but like his big sacrifice is like, so you sacrifice like 5.5% of your money.
01:53:44
Speaker
um but yeah he does die And there's this whole like, I believe, I believe we all believe in Santa thing. Clap. You have to clap.
Potential Sequel and Final Thoughts
01:53:52
Speaker
And he comes back to life. Linda's like, oh, sorry. Yeah. He sits up. What the fuck?
01:53:57
Speaker
Yeah. What's your name? Trudy. Trudy. Linda. Linda. No, Linda, the mom. Yeah. Linda has the best reaction. She's like, the fuck? But then like, she's like, how did this happen? And Jack and I love this part. he Santa leans on his side and he's like, I still don't understand that Christmas magic. The force, bitch. I don't get it.
01:54:20
Speaker
And they look up. His sleigh is back. He's pissed off at the reindeer, but they brought the magic bag. Backup magic bag. And a note from his wife thought you may need this. I do like it, though, because he's yelling at the reindeer. He's like, I'm fucking make you into stew, whatever. And he finds the bag and he's like, feed you the fucking ass. You went home to get my bag? I can't stay mad at you guys. love you. This is me coming home to my cat drunk. I'm like you chewed up that bag of jerky Oh my god look at you It's me getting mad at our dog I yell and I'm like why'd you do this She runs away and I'm like oh my god I'm so sorry But yeah there's a sweet little wrap up And it's like a happy ending She sent him a skull crusher You might need this That's the sequel. And then there's more bad people in this earth. We're tired of them being a Nautilist. Get rid of Nautilist.
01:55:07
Speaker
That's the sequel. He's going to full fascist on the next one. We're all just surveillance motherfucker. I love it because Trudy sees it. She goes, skull crusher. A little 10 year old excited. Exactly. How do you know that name? Why are you excited for a murder implement? And then there is a stinger scene. Yeah, there is. And it's just it's Bert.
01:55:28
Speaker
And he's holding up his phone and doing his little thing. in Thorpe's dead on the ground. He's like, see this dude? He's fucking dead. Don't. What does he say? um Santa's real. Don't end up on the naughty list. Do better.
01:55:41
Speaker
Do better. Believe. Bert Locker out. And that's it. So golf club. Fucking golf club.
01:55:51
Speaker
This gets a full three for me. Okay. I was about to say we do three thumbs. I wonder where Whitney sits on this. Hands down, full three. I give it a full three as well. It's partly because it was a surprise, but it's also partly because now it's not a surprise and I still watch the fuck out of it. It's yearly.
01:56:10
Speaker
This probably won't be the only time I watch this year. Because watched with you guys. I didn't watch it with the bleeps. So there's a real good chance that I'm going it again. And yeah, it has all the fucking violence that I want with when I'm watching a movie with... All here it is.
01:56:24
Speaker
When I'm watching the movie with Derek, I want violence and one-liners and shit like that. When I'm watching a movie with Whitney, it's more emotional and saccharine. Yeah. This is fucking both. like This is this your Christmas miracle with us. This is a Christmas miracle. So yeah, all of them. all the You've heard me talking about it this whole time, so obviously I'm giving it one thumb. No.
01:56:44
Speaker
Obviously, i love this fucking movie. It's three thumbs easy. i mean, I wouldn't give it like five stars, ten stars, whatever scale you're going on, but for all it's pretty high up there. So I'm going to give it three thumbs.
01:56:56
Speaker
And it's it's just it's what you said exactly. It's it's a good Christmas movie. like It's got the cheesy Christmas stuff, but you can get into it because in between the cheesy Christmas stuff, Is the murder. He puts a fucking star in a dude's eye and plugs it in. He turns that guy into a match. Yes, he does. It's great. So obviously full three stars on that one.
01:57:18
Speaker
Thumbs. Thumbs. He said stars. Fuck my brain up. and I give it three sledgehammer. I give it three flaming dude skulls. I give it three Johnny Leg was almost torso.
Upcoming Content and Patron Benefits
01:57:34
Speaker
But yeah, so that's that for this episode. um Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, guys. Thank you for being patrons. We'll continue this next year. ah Our next episode for January. we We haven't recorded yet, but we've already decided on. I'm sorry, it's Drownuary. It's Drownuary. Point of order. Where we'll be talking about movies that take place on or underwater almost exclusively.
01:57:56
Speaker
Pretty much exclusively. Yeah, no, exclusively. It's exclusively. What did we not have? I guess the last five minutes of Waterworld. no, I was thinking there was going to be some. There's a couple we haven't watched yet. So maybe they maybe this island on the fucking planet. Maybe maybe some of these movies start on land and I don't remember. okay but either way, it's mostly on or underwater, mostly underwater, except for Waterworld.
01:58:20
Speaker
ah The Patreon episode for you good folks next month will be James Cameron's The Abyss from 1989, which is a fucking banger. We watched it almost exactly a year ago from recording this in theaters. Yeah, we did. Everybody, but maybe us as well, but everybody in that theater gave it an ovation. Yeah. Yeah. It was fucking beautiful. It was crazy, man. You don't see that anymore. Jack and I were like, do you want to clap? And then everybody started clapping. And I was like, yes. It wasn't a full feeder, mind you. yeah was like you know two thirds full, but it it they clapped. And also, starting next month, you get one episode this month on the main feed. But starting next month, we have another segment for you good patrons.
01:59:01
Speaker
latchkey vids in which we will be discussing do forgotten latchkey vids forgotten or never known one season flash in the pan tv shows from the 90s and our first show that we're doing is cop rock let's be careful out so the first episode probably available after you here can hear this episode i'm not 100 sure it's december 23rd i know that i don't know when this one will be done ah And then next month you'll get another one and we'll go on from there. And it's a lot of fun. We've done one so far and it was a fucking hoot. It's, it's, it's one of the funnest times that we've like us three have had together. Yeah. Without a guest, the guests always bring a little extra. Yeah. But and I mean, it's a good, it's a fun show to watch, but it was a really fun record. So, and I think that comes through.
01:59:50
Speaker
So you guys can look forward to that. So you'll get an extra episode. Now you get two episodes every month, plus the early Han took shots first stuff. When it's not ah obviously a current live show, that kind of thing. Or not live, but you know what i mean. yeah Currently airing show.
02:00:03
Speaker
um i don't know. That's it for this year. Thank you guys for being patrons. Thank you for supporting us. Thank you for trying to help us do this stupid endeavor that we're doing. Happy holidays. Happy or happy Christmas. Merry New Year. Yeah, all ah well, kind of.
02:00:19
Speaker
That's what I say. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Festivus for the rest of us. Ooh, Festivus December 23rd is Festivus. Okay.
02:00:30
Speaker
I didn't know that. I knew Festivus was a thing. yeah But I've been Derek. I am still Whitney. I'm Popo Shisho. Don't end up on the naughty list. Do better.
Closing Remarks and Gratitude
02:00:50
Speaker
so
02:01:28
Speaker
Yeah, I'm ready to go s singing a Christmas song about a guy who murders everyone. I got a piano. I don't know why I hate him so much, but I really Randy Newman? Yes. Oh, that's Well, now I'm sad because my friend Whitney doesn't like me.
02:01:48
Speaker
I play piano. just as If you really enjoy listening to bad Movies, Worst People, just so you know, we do have Patreon. We have two different tiers. That's right. Patreon.com slash worst people. We have a $3 tier. We get early access to Han Took Shots First, our Star Wars podcast. You get a monthly newsletter. You get archived episodes that are no longer available on the main feed. Plus, you get our monthly mental health episode. Which we need.
02:02:12
Speaker
And do. We do. And there's also $5 tier where you get all of that content. Plus you get ad free episodes from the main feed and you get access to latch key vids, which is our recap show about forgotten or never known television shows from the nineties. Like cop rock too soon, man. It was just too early. It's a beautiful thing.
02:02:32
Speaker
It is a beautiful thing. So check out patrion.com slash worst people help support this crazy endeavor. Thank you. Thank you.