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Ep 163: Hardball
65 Plays8 days ago
Jack chose 2001's Hardball for this month, in which Keanu Reeves plays Conor O’Neill, a down-on-his-luck gambler who takes a gig coaching a ragtag Little League team from Chicago’s Cabrini Green housing projects, mostly because he owes everyone money. Yes, the same housing project that Candyman is from! What starts as a begrudging paycheck gig turns into an "unlikely" redemption story, as Conor learns about responsibility, friendship, and the fact that kids have no filter whatsoever. Prepare for swearing children, sports movie cliches, white savior complex, and more in this racially-charged film that was definitely written and directed by white guys. Think The Bad News Bears, but with more gambling debt and a late-’90s hip-hop soundtrack and emotional manipulation.
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to Shitbird Month, and this week, if you thought James Gunn's
Intro and Regret for Movie Choice
00:00:04
Speaker
movies were emotionally manipulative, wait for hardball. I'm Derek. I'm Whitney. I'm J-J-J-Jack.
00:00:11
Speaker
And this is Bad Movies. Worst people.
Whitney's Drunken Memory and Film's Length
00:00:47
Speaker
There are so many other movies we should have done. Yes. Yeah. I watched this drunk like, what, a year or two ago? Yeah. And all I remember about it, and it wasn't enough of it, I remember there being a lot of little kids cursing. And i was like, cool, we'll give Derek a reprieve from the stupid shitbird blueprint that we get.
00:01:05
Speaker
You know, the same humdrum. I enjoyed when the kids were cursing, but then I forgot manipulative emotionally manipulative is the nicest way to say it. Yeah. i mean Because this movie could easily be an hour and 20 minutes, you know, ah but well, an hour and 20 of this movie wraps up everything.
00:01:26
Speaker
People have life lessons. Somebody didn't have to die. Girls are hurtled.
Manipulative Music and Emotional Impact
00:01:30
Speaker
And yeah, like you could just wrapped it up at the big game. But no. No, you wanted to do, there are there are names for the notes that they use here. I can't remember what they are, but it's like, it's just straight manipulative on your heartstrings.
00:01:43
Speaker
It's a cello going, and a piano going, to of course, I knew you were going to cry, and I thought Derek was going to laugh, because I knew Derek was going to see how absolutely forced and ridiculous it was.
00:01:54
Speaker
Well, I was sitting there and I was I turned to Whitney like at least three times. and I was like, I don't know why Jack thought this was going to be funny. We can't be funny talking about this because you got a little kid calling the coach Buster motherfucker bitch.
Personality Jokes Among Hosts
00:02:05
Speaker
Well, I love that. Like you said, while you're watching it, you're being manipulated. So I'm sitting here going like, well, this is like this sad story about these kids and living in this terrible neighborhood and all this stuff.
00:02:16
Speaker
But it's called really, really what it's about is It's another white savior story with a wooden, very wooden Keanu Reeves, except for when he's playing an asshole. But when he's trying to be nice, he's very wooden. You know what? I did like his funeral scene, too, just because that dude's lost a lot of people in his life. So it's like he knows how to give a eulogy. He knows. Of course you cried. Yeah.
00:02:39
Speaker
I knew Whitney was going to cry and I'm not making fun of her. She's just the most human on this podcast. That's it. Aw, thank you. it's It's starting. derek as Derek is created by people to mimic people.
00:02:50
Speaker
I go in between. I vacillate a little bit. My humanity dips out. and Then Whitney's just straight human that knows how to talk to robots. Aw. That's it. You're the go-between. Luke? Yeah. yeah Or Rey. Oh, my God.
00:03:03
Speaker
Woo! You Rey.
Director's Background and Film Critique
00:03:04
Speaker
Woo!
00:03:06
Speaker
That is his favorite joy. Yeah, I know. um his best impersonation, in my opinion.
00:03:16
Speaker
It was me doing a mouse droid doing R2-D2, see?
00:03:21
Speaker
Mouse 2-D2. That was very meta. So, yeah, I'm just apologizing right off the bat because i was when I watched it and I was drunk and it was just, you know, whatever, I was laughing at the manipulation instead of this time being sober, if not a little bit of a hangover from last night.
00:03:37
Speaker
I was just like, you're trying to make me cry and I'm not going to do it. Good job. Yeah. Sorry, just like you shit talking ah director that's not even around.
00:03:49
Speaker
Well, whatever whenever I want to watch a really hard hitting emotional movie. I mean, they do call it
'Hardball' as a White Savior Narrative
00:03:56
Speaker
hardball. Black youths growing up in the Cabrini Green projects, trying to struggle against everything that they have to deal with.
00:04:06
Speaker
I think about watching Hardball directed by a white man named Brian Robbins and written by a white man named John Gattons. You didn't have to tell me John Gattons was white. I could tell. I mean, look at the cover.
00:04:19
Speaker
Look at the cover, dude. It's like, look at these great white people helping out. This might as this is the precursor to fucking Blindside. Yeah. like Seriously. Yeah. like All of a sudden there were white people all over this world looking for athletic black hitchhikers. Like, I'll take them in.
00:04:33
Speaker
And this guy, sorry, forgot to get that off the screen, but this guy, Brian Robbins, the director, ah I guess he thinks that he knows black people or he just thinks he he knows how to manipulate people.
00:04:44
Speaker
Maybe it's what he most recently. He was the president of Nickelodeon. Oh, oh okay and ah he is mostly a producer, but he directed things like ah Good Burger.
00:04:56
Speaker
He directed episodes of Keenan and Kel and all that. um And he's done his one
Emotional Manipulation in Plot
00:05:01
Speaker
pedigree. He's got varsity blues and ready to rumble. I did like Varsity Blues. I don't know if it'll hold up now that I'm not in high school, but in 2000, 2001, whatever year that was, loved that movie. I enjoyed it. don't want your life. That is still so quoted.
00:05:19
Speaker
ah don't want your life. let's Listen to my flawless Texas accent. I am from Texas. Everyone knows you sound like this when you come from Texas. This is the national accent. The accent of the nation of Texas sounds like this. Okay, go.
00:05:34
Speaker
You says, are you coming over later? Just asking. Just asking. But this guy also directed ah movie that we've discussed. We haven't talked about it on the show, but we've talked about it.
00:05:45
Speaker
We've mentioned it on the show. The Shaggy Dog. Oh, the Tim Allen one with the fucking human eyes. Yeah. Nightmare fuel. whitney I blame Whitney for that.
00:05:56
Speaker
And then he he did a bunch of Eddie Murphy movies, but like late stage, not good. Dr. Doolittle. The one I wrote down was Norbit. But then there was a bunch of other ones. There was some I didn't even recognize. I was like, wow, Eddie Murphy did this many movies I've never heard of.
00:06:13
Speaker
So like what? Like was Metro one of them? No, it was all 2000s shit. um Hold on. I didn't write them all down, but I can. play I just want to know which ones because like i've I've not seen them, but I know of most Eddie Murphy movies. I would say apparently this guy is now the CEO of
Director's Career Transition
00:06:29
Speaker
Paramount Pictures, by the way.
00:06:31
Speaker
Oh, man. just pulled him up on here. And hey, so he got that South Park special. He got the South Park one point five billion dollar five year contract. Good job, pal. ah So he directed Meet Dave with Eddie Murphy.
00:06:45
Speaker
okay A Thousand Words. um I don't know. Some other stuff. Meet Dave. I know a thousand words is not familiar in the least.
00:06:55
Speaker
It looks like he was maybe a producer on him some movies. I like or one movie I like and one movie that I watch. mean I watch it every year. I hate is it. Requiem for a Dream?
00:07:11
Speaker
ah No, he's associated somehow. I just pulled him up on Google, so I don't have the exact credits of how. But he's somehow associated with the movie Cellar Dweller, which is a really cool B-movie directed by John Carl I got this $100 box set back there. It's got nude sketches by the director.
00:07:31
Speaker
It's on Blu-ray and it was like a $60 box set. And it's the one that includes it's the one that includes ah robot jocks. OK, I take there and dolls.
00:07:42
Speaker
I take back all the jokes I said. That's a good that's money. Well, that whiskey.
00:07:49
Speaker
I'm going to need some of this for today. And is it also it's my energy, isn't it? I just tried uncork an uncorked bottle. He's also somewhat associated with the movie Chud 2, Bud the Chud.
00:08:00
Speaker
i love Chud 1. Chud 2 is not a thing.
00:08:06
Speaker
I have not seen either. I think i should probably start with Chud 2, right? And then treat Chud 1 as the better prequel?
Diane Lane's Career Discussion
00:08:14
Speaker
Chud 2 is one of the Chud 1 is like this monster movie about these things that come out of the sewers and yeah kill people.
00:08:21
Speaker
Chud 2, one of the Chuds becomes like sentient and is humanized. I don't think it was a Chud movie, honestly. I think it just they someone slapped Chud on it because they were like, well, this movie sucks and there's some people who like Chud. so It's kind of like the house franchise we've talked about. Yeah. Not all those movies are the same. None of them are.
00:08:40
Speaker
Well, 1 2. So this movie that we're talking about currently. We're not talking about it. we're we're We're barely talking about it. We're trying not to. God, Diane Lane is stunning. She might she might be right after Davis.
00:08:54
Speaker
She gorgeous. She just hasn't been in very many movies that I like. um Because she's an emotional actress. There is a movie that we'll do next year. God, my fucking reputation is tarnished, so Derek's not going to accept this recommendation.
00:09:08
Speaker
It's called Six Pack. It's her and her five young little white trash siblings that are helping Kenny Rogers ah race car drive. he's the They're the pit crew that steals parts for his race car.
00:09:22
Speaker
You know what? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have actually, that sounds really familiar. Did watch it with me?
Jack's Movie Recommendation
00:09:28
Speaker
I don't think I watched it with you. I know I've seen that though. It's more shocking if you didn't watch it with me because my God, nobody knows that movie and not many people should, but we're going My parents love Diane Lane. When did it come out?
00:09:42
Speaker
I know her from Under the Tuscan Sun. Then I watched it. That's it? You don't know her as the titular Martha? Well, and she is Martha in the Snyderverse. I know that, too.
00:09:53
Speaker
How did I? OK. um And she was in The Outsiders a bit, too. So yes, we all know Whitney loves the Outsiders. I mean, she hasn't had like a stellar career. She's a good name.
00:10:05
Speaker
And I just I think that I am in love with her. That's all. I think she's a picky choosy person. um i have no chance then.
Critique of Casting and Production
00:10:12
Speaker
I mean, like with her films, my sex tape has no chance.
00:10:18
Speaker
Unless we get Quentin Tarantino to direct it. oh o What do you think our feet look like? Say about like seven and a half. Who the fuck is ringing your doorbell?
00:10:30
Speaker
I don't know. Let me go check.
00:10:35
Speaker
One minute, 37 seconds later. I'll be real honest. I don't know what this is who Are we going to have an unboxing? I hope it's not a bomb. Actually, you know what? Today, I hope it's a bomb.
00:10:49
Speaker
But the funny thing about this movie, Hardball... Is there funny thing about this movie? I'm mad at myself. ah You got cutie little baby Michael B. Jordan.
00:11:00
Speaker
That's true. He's about to go film The Wire, so this is really good research. And his feature film
Soundtrack's Impact on Tone
00:11:06
Speaker
debut. but He's good. This movie was number one in the box office the week it opened. ah When did it open?
00:11:15
Speaker
um vote January. No. November. No. No. So this movie came out in the year 2001. October? And the day that it opened. Can I can i say it?
00:11:26
Speaker
ah September 14th. Oh my God. What the country needed after 9-11 was not this movie.
00:11:38
Speaker
What year is the Matrix? 99? Yeah. Okay. yeah okay He's still wearing his Matrix jacket. So this movie came out the same week that the attacks of 9-11 happened. And I was going through letterboxd reviews um because this movie has like a 3.2 or something, or maybe a 3. Out of 5?
00:11:56
Speaker
five Yeah. A bunch of people were like, hey, yeah, it's good because they got emotionally manipulated. And then a bunch of people were like, man, this movie sure is racist. But one of my favorite things that I read was a guy who was just like,
00:12:08
Speaker
This movie came out the same week that 9-11 happened. I saw it in theaters. There was a thunderstorm outside. Everybody jumped every time the thunder crashed. That's the mind state I was in watching this movie. oh like That was his entire thing.
00:12:22
Speaker
But it didn't do super well. It was just number one that week. So the week it came out, I have a thing for the whole week it came
Financials and Keanu's Altruism
00:12:30
Speaker
out here. I like your ticker at the bottom. yeah yeah cool right Damn, Derek's getting good at this.
00:12:37
Speaker
Well, now I've got to wait for it start over. Here we go. So Hardball was number one. 9.3 million opening weekend. number two Followed by The Glass House. Also starring Diane Lane. the muke Oh my god.
00:12:48
Speaker
The Musketeer? that's the That's the worst one. That one has Tim Roth in it. That's all I know. No, no, no. Not that one. not that one Oh, the Musketeer 2001. I pulled it up right here. Tim Roth, February, The Man in Black. Oh, of shit. You said Tim Roth and I thought Tim Curry because Tim Curry is in the Three Musketeers movie. Yes. Yes, that is the Tim Roth one and it is garbage. I own it.
00:13:16
Speaker
Digitally? It looks like it stars Justin Chambers. Yeah, yeah. She was a big Justin Chambers fan. The others. Is that the Nicole Kidman movie? That I hate? Yeah. It's one of the only ones he almost walked out of.
00:13:28
Speaker
And then ah the two can play at that game is ah um Shoot, what's that guy's name? Morris Chestnut and Vivica A. Fox. Oh, so I've watched that. but So it didn't have a lot of big competition. It was September, but it made $9.3 million opening weekend. Number one movie after 9-11 was Hardball.
00:13:47
Speaker
hardball and Do you want to do the rest of the box office or no? Yeah, yeah we can do it. I just thought that was really funny. it is It's funny because it's like if it probably has on the DVD 2001's biggest hit besides The Towers. so That's a DVD quote for you. Yeah, it is. I didn't write it.
00:14:05
Speaker
and biggest hit outside New York City. You
Cultural Representation and Stereotypes
00:14:09
Speaker
know what's going down this September? Hardball. ah So the budget of hardball, so before we get taken off the internet, is $32 million. I'm really glad you stopped me because I had more.
00:14:23
Speaker
$32 million. That had to have been a chunk of change for Keanu being fresh off the Matrix. Fresh off the Matrix. But also donates all his fucking money. so Not all. He doesn't donate all.
00:14:35
Speaker
He just makes sure on the Matrix he got that fucking staff paid because he knows, like, you guys made me look fucking cool. So, you know, that's I don't think he probably didn't donate shit to this staff because it's like, you guys are just doing your job in a really good way. Don't get me wrong.
00:14:48
Speaker
Yeah. But on Matrix, he was like, yeah, you guys got under fucking paid because you made this movie. You can watch The Matrix right now, and it's not like there's very few janky parts. The rest of it holds up because it's this practical effects thing.
00:15:01
Speaker
And because it's a fucking amazing movie. Right. I think it's his Bible. So i have worldwide and domestic. There's a very small difference between the two. So let's just give the overall number. All right.
00:15:16
Speaker
So the total worldwide... 19. What was the opening weekend? 9.3. 10.3.
00:15:24
Speaker
nineteen what was the opening weekend nine point three ten point three
00:15:32
Speaker
The movie made 40.2 million domestic, 44.1 million worldwide. All right. So the world doesn't give a shit about being emotionally manipulated. No. No, they like it. They fucking love it, dude.
00:15:43
Speaker
People left that theater and were like, oh, I didn't like the first half of the movie, but when he was crying for that little black kid who died, mostly because of the other white people are terrible, I really felt for him. Dude.
00:15:56
Speaker
When they got the... the We'll get there. the whole ending of this movie is so fucking out of left field. D.B. Sweeney's character is such a fucking cunt. And I like D.B. Sweeney, so he's doing it very well. Toe pick.
00:16:06
Speaker
But, like, he's just such a fucking cunt. Sports like this, Little League, Pop Warner, all these little fucking things. You know why they exist? Is to teach young people how to human.
00:16:19
Speaker
To teach yeah kids how to follow directions, to get along with other people. And for baseball, most importantly, take your lumps. You've got like 150, 160 games, whatever it is in baseball season, right? You got it you cannot win them all.
00:16:34
Speaker
You know that. So you've got to take your lumps. you got to learn how to play. Forget yesterday. Start over. like These are life skills. DB Sweeney's team is like, no, no, no. We're here to win. Winning is our destiny. They're i they're the Icelandic team from yeah Mighty Ducks.
00:16:49
Speaker
Mighty Ducks 2, my friend. Because in Mighty Ducks 1, it was Gordon Bombay's ex-team,
Comparison with 'The Blind Side'
00:16:55
Speaker
the Hawks, led by, oh, who is that beautiful actor, Lane Smith. That sounds right.
00:17:02
Speaker
Yeah, he's also in ah My Cousin Vinny. I'm Danica Tires. ah Next year, are we going to do Mighty Ducks? One for Patreon, one for... We could do a whole Ducks fucking month.
00:17:15
Speaker
Yeah, for Shepard. mu Because I think... No, we're going to wait. Emilio Estevez is not long for this world. um And it's just something I'm thinking. He's doing Young Guns 3 right now, like writing and directing and probably starring in it.
00:17:30
Speaker
he's ah You're not long for this world if that's your passion project. Yeah. Maybe he had the most fun on Young Guns and he's just trying to get that back. Sure. You can't go back to your ex and hope it's the same as the first time you dated her. She does different stuff now.
00:17:42
Speaker
You didn't teach her reverse caliber. be better. It'll be better. We have the technology now. There's no way that'll be better. Ever since she lost that third nipple, the romance has really gone out.
00:17:56
Speaker
I a girlfriend that had a third nipple. But so the writer on this movie, John Gettins, also wrote Real Steel, which we'll have to talk about one day. Oh, oh don't tell me. Is that Wolverine? Hugh Jackman?
00:18:09
Speaker
Hugh Jackman with the boxing robot? Yeah, Hugh Jackman, boxing robots. It's the rock'em sock'em robots, but with big robots. That came out the same time that Chappie came out, right? Holy shit. That came out like 2004 or 2009 or some shit. I've never seen Chappie with you.
00:18:25
Speaker
I've never realized that is the fucking Rock'em Sock'em Robots movie. Yeah. yeah That's actually what that is. Holy shit. I'm dumb or they're bad at their job. and he also I'm going to go with the latter.
00:18:37
Speaker
He also wrote Power Rangers, the more recent one where they spend note like 93 minutes of a 100-minute movie not being the Power Rangers. I never thought I'd say this.
00:18:48
Speaker
I prefer the old one. I'd rather watch the Power Rangers movie again. And that was torture for me. Well, the one in the middle I didn't hate so much. There's only two. Wasn't there... Well, there's at least three. Yeah.
00:19:04
Speaker
I never saw the second one. Ones that went theater. I don't know if Turbo went to theaters. I never saw that one. I saw the original one. i saw the new one. And then there was a little illegal fake one that was made on the internet that had, uh... I don't
Unrealistic Portrayal of Chicago
00:19:19
Speaker
want your life. Vanderbeek?
00:19:21
Speaker
Yeah. And, uh... Katie sack off in it and it was fucking awesome, but it's like a 15 or 20 minute like short film and it's like a super dark take. Oh, yeah, because the Green Ranger didn't do it because he's like, well, i don't want fuck up my yeah, I'm a con gig that I got. Yeah, yeah, I don't know why was gonna argue with the guy that's Power Rangers is one of the top fandoms, but that doesn't really count because it didn't come out. It came out on the Internet barely.
00:19:44
Speaker
Yeah, by I downloaded it and i'll do I've never deleted it off my external hard drive because I don't know if I can find it again.
00:19:51
Speaker
Smart. But ah one more thing I saw about this movie. So it's rated according to IMDb. This movie is rated R. It should be. um But I was reading that.
00:20:03
Speaker
So before it was released, there was posters and ads reflecting it as being rated R. And then it was re-edited to dub over the kids saying fuck. And I think about it and I don't think there's any fucks.
00:20:14
Speaker
So this might be the PG-13 version. Oh, I think I got fucks. I don't remember. i i think I did. No, I'm pretty sure we got fucks. Maybe. ah think we got the fucks. Did you guys Prime? When they released it in theaters, yeah, we did it on Prime.
00:20:27
Speaker
Which, by the way, it's free on Prime right now as a time of recording. That might change. ah But apparently they did that so that it could be released as a PG-13. And it said with limited interruptions and we didn't get one interruption. well they did the long ad at the beginning.
00:20:41
Speaker
Yeah. OK. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. That's how they should do it. I'll give you my lot my login. I pay for that shit. Fuck that. Fuck you guys. Just based those three more dollars. Joke's on him. I'm putting my credit card. going to die without paying it off. Should be soon.
00:20:54
Speaker
I'm going to I'm going to watch those ads where he definitely makes more than three dollars. Right.
00:21:01
Speaker
Yeah. Who's the idiot now? Idiot. But they're not out of my pocket to me. ah So the movie starts with very the the movie starts like I thought we were watching Constantine.
Character Interactions and Dialogue
00:21:13
Speaker
Yep. We've got these horror movie credits coming up over screen. It's like it's like chalk writing. It is chalk writing. But what year is Constantine like 08? Oh, no. It's later and earlier than that, but I don't know. i Like 02. Because I kind of had, like Whitney said, ah what did you he's wearing his Matrix coat. oh five yeah He's wearing his Matrix coat. Towards the end, he's wearing his Constantine suit.
00:21:35
Speaker
So I was thinking like maybe he's just like, i'm just showing up I'm just showing up off other sets wearing what I'm wearing. You can film when you're ready. But that doesn't work unless he's got a time machine. Bill and Ted's got it. There we go. Oh, my God. You made it go for full circle.
00:21:48
Speaker
He shows up with Rufus. Time is circular, dude. Rufus. Rest in phone booths. RIP. Rest in phone booths. Speaking of Bill and Ted, ah Umbrella Entertainment from Australia is releasing Freaked.
00:22:03
Speaker
which was a movie that Alex Winters directed. It's very well known in B-movie circles, and it's got a bunch of crazy effects, bunch of crazy costumes. Keanu Reeves is in there as a dog man.
00:22:15
Speaker
For people that don't know, Alex Winters is the other Bill or Ted. ah He is Bill. He's Bill. Bill S. Preston Esquire. And then Ted it is Ted Theodore Logan.
00:22:26
Speaker
Ted Theodore Logan. So his name is Ted Theodore Logan? I think that he's saying, like, instead of Theodore, Ted Logan. He thinks middle name is Theodore, doesn't he? Yeah, probably. I've seen that movie. That guy's an idiot. His mom at him early. My name Ted Theodore Logan.
00:22:38
Speaker
He doesn't have a mom, does he? Neither of them do, because that girl Missy keeps bouncing back
Social Themes and Racial Stereotypes
00:22:43
Speaker
and forth. They both have moms. I going to he's got a stepmom. Hey, you know what, dude? the One thing living in the projects taught me, moms don't come back.
00:22:51
Speaker
um But yeah, the the credits and stuff, like it's like chalk, but the way they like jitter and fade in and then like slowly fade out, it's very horror movie-esque. It horror. And you've got Constantine.
00:23:02
Speaker
Keanu Reeves running around in his fucking trench coat. In the pouring rain, up to a Catholic church. running into a church and praying. It's very horror movie. I i didn't hate the writing, but you're right. It gave the horror film.
00:23:16
Speaker
Yeah. Feeling. and it starts out with this priest who's like, are you here looking for faith? You're looking for forgiveness? No. I'm just looking for the bowls to cover the spread. Yeah.
00:23:30
Speaker
You think God gives a fuck about your gambling addiction, dude? He wasn't helping people when there were tsunamis in Japan. He's not helping you get the bulls cover the spread. Wrong God. Well, don't worry. Keanu Reeves learns his lesson about gambling by winning at gambling.
00:23:44
Speaker
ah Right? so This movie is false all over the place. Yeah. I'm glad we're doing it now because we're gonna rip it apart. But it's not the way I remembered it.
00:23:56
Speaker
There's like a whole thing. So basically he... He owes this guy Duffy money.
Childhood Memories Triggered by Film
00:24:01
Speaker
Duffy is the bartender or bartender. A guy named Graham Beckle, who was in Chud.
00:24:06
Speaker
um he yeah Is he in Last Man Standing with Bruce Willis, maybe? I'm not sure. I've seen him before. he didn't I just watched Leaving Las Vegas recently for my Nick Cage thing. He's in that. Just for a quick minute, he's a bartender, which is funny.
00:24:21
Speaker
Weird. Yeah. Apparently he's also in the escape plan or the escape plan. Is that so that's just alone. And yes, I and Arnold. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Haven't seen it.
00:24:32
Speaker
And he pops up in a few episodes of Battlestar Galactica, which I think is why I recognize him the most. Oh, OK. Because I was like, I know this fucking guy. When I looked him up, Battlestar was right there. It was like four or five episodes. But I've seen that show a lot of times. So.
00:24:45
Speaker
But apparently he owes Duffy money for gambling, but he bet the money that he won to give him to another bookie named the barber. And now he lost that money, too.
00:24:58
Speaker
Or something. It's a reverse pyramid scheme. Yeah. And what i I'm going to say right up front, I don't know who the barber is. i thought it was going to be important. Don't fucking worry about the barber or his goon ass son that comes around trying to beat up Keanu Reeves.
00:25:11
Speaker
One scene is just vaporize out of this movie. Like I was waiting when who cares about I'm not saying anything when he wants when he wins. Yeah, he goes and he says he's going to pay. no We can spoil this movie because it's nonsensical.
00:25:24
Speaker
Yeah. He says he's going to pay him every week. He's going to pay him seven hundred fifty dollars every week. He gets a job for five hundred dollars a week. Question mark. But. um They come around later on to like try get because he missed a payment or whatever, and they're trying to beat him up and you never see them again.
00:25:41
Speaker
And when he wins all of his money from ah ah Tuco's dad from Breaking Bad. Cement Man. ah He takes the money and he says, oh, I paid off Duffy.
00:25:51
Speaker
He never mentions paying off the barber. And I told Whitney, I was like, oh, this is going to come up. Like during the last game, these guys are going to show up or something. Nope, movie forgot. The only way the only way it comes back up is his buddy, Tink.
Narrative Structure Critique
00:26:06
Speaker
Tinky.
00:26:06
Speaker
Tinky. Tinky. Because he he's a ticket scalper.
00:26:12
Speaker
Tiki knocks on the door and he has the bat and he's like, I'm alone, dude. I'll get naked if you want. I'll slide my balls under the fucking door. That was pretty. That's the only way it comes back as he still is worried like looking over his shoulder for. Yeah.
00:26:27
Speaker
Yeah. So we do meet. Oh, real quick. Duffy is giving him shit about owing him money. yeah They throw him out of the bar, try try start beating him up. And that's when he's like, he's like, you ever seen Fight Club?
00:26:39
Speaker
And he starts smashing his face through a window. and i I love it because he's he starts. Sorry. He's like, you want to beat me up? And he turns and just punches a window of a car and he puts his bloody hand up. He's like, nobody beats me up like me.
00:26:53
Speaker
And then he starts head butting windows. This bartender should still be mad. Like, dude, you owe me money. Now you busted up my window. Well, he does. yeah He does say something later when he tries to come back before he pays off his his debts. He's like, dude, you fucked up my bar.
00:27:08
Speaker
Yeah, that's that's pretty almost much all it goes to. And then we meet his friend Tiki played by John Hawks, who is a welcome back. He is a welcome back. He was a mugger in steel.
00:27:19
Speaker
oh Oh, he's also he's a he's a main in Deadwood. Yeah, he's on Deadwood. He was in Rush Hour. um He's a guy. He's in Miami Vice. So we might recognize him from that. because We just watched that not too long ago. The mi Michael Mann Miami Vice. Oh, right.
00:27:35
Speaker
stuff Of course, of course, he also he also shows up in S. Darko, as everybody knows.
Character Depth and Humor Attempts
00:27:41
Speaker
The sequel. It's the straight to video quote unquote sequel.
00:27:48
Speaker
so That's what the S stands for. Straight to video. Yeah. Straight to video s sequel Darko. Let me guess. His sister has powers now. Yeah.
00:27:58
Speaker
She can see the future or something. I don't remember. I saw once because I couldn't help myself. but I kind of get that when it's a fandom, like, I know it's going terrible. I have to watch. Yeah.
00:28:09
Speaker
And then you watch, you go, God, that was terrible. He watched a whole documentary about a guy trying to meet everybody from the cast.
00:28:18
Speaker
That guy was a fucking freak. you That guy should be in jail. Yeah. ah We talked about that on our Patreon episode. Right. No, that wasn't Patreon. That was just a mental health. one Just mental health. health Yeah. Yeah. I forget because it was actually a good movie.
00:28:30
Speaker
ah So Tiki shows up to bail Keanu Reeves out of jail. And he's got this, you to get who Tiki is right out of the gate because he's like, dude, you got Zach Lee breath. And he's like, what is that? Smells exactly like your ass.
00:28:43
Speaker
Thank you for introducing yourself in a way that I can understand who you're going to be the rest of this movie. Thank you, Tiki. He's a comic relief. Duh. But not good. No. No. And he's just this like, he's the Jar Jar Binks of scalping tickets. I had to put it into your guys' terminology. Thank you. yeah thank you because I was struggling and you damn, damn well did it.
00:29:05
Speaker
oh thank you guys. Aw, thanks. So he gets Keanu Reeves out of jail and then Reeves goes and meets his friend Fleming who runs this fucking trading company or something played by a guy named Michael McGlone who I thought I recognized but I don't I didn't see anything credits. They call it a security firm but they also call it a trading firm. Yeah I think it's securities like I don't know what that means because I don't do trading. Cyber security plus money equals stonks.
00:29:34
Speaker
Oh, okay. um I do know this guy. He he ended up being on a commercial for something where he's got that kind of voice. Picture wearing a fedora with a spotlight on him, walking around. you know Maybe that's why I know him, because I saw in commercial.
00:29:47
Speaker
His commercials aren aren't on IMDb. I just saw him on an episode of Psych. That's the only reason he's... he was also He's also had to play like one of the good guys, one of the good fellas, but not necessarily good fella.
00:30:00
Speaker
He's never been
Storytelling and Emotional Manipulation
00:30:01
Speaker
a good guy. He's never been. know what I mean, but like a monster. he's TV. No, yeah, he's the TV Joe Pesci. You know, like he's just got slick back hair. He can do a a greasy a New York accent.
00:30:16
Speaker
You know, he kind of looks like a dude from Alien of the Rock Voyage. Voyage of the Rock Alien. There you go. ah Which one? Craig Schaefer, main guy, sexy boy?
00:30:28
Speaker
Yeah. He could be his brother. i think you have to re-watch that movie. Yeah, we should watch it right now. Yeah, because it kind of looks like Angel. I love that movie. I haven't seen it since we recorded. Maybe we should do it again. I have it on 4K. Aw.
00:30:43
Speaker
Blu-ray. Blu-ray.
00:30:46
Speaker
It's only a Blu-ray. Yeah. I'm going to get it on 4K when they make it. i thought had it on 4K. All right, but this guy's a douche also. But I see why he's fed up with Keanu Reeves. Well, he's a douche, but he's helping him out because Keanu's like, I need another 5,000. He's like, what, to bury your dad again? What do you mean again? He's like, well, I gave you 5,000 to bury your dad. Fucking so-and-so's name who you'll know that I don't. Well, I'm going to pay him back.
00:31:11
Speaker
Okay, cool. You still owe 10 grand between the two of
00:31:16
Speaker
so But I like what he does, though. Plus the 11 grand of bookies. Yeah. Plus other things we probably don't know about. It doesn't seem like this character does not seem to have his life in order or debts in...
00:31:28
Speaker
and He doesn't have his ducks in a row. No, there' there's no ducks in any rows here. this This guy, Connor O'Neill, he's he's waiting Connor O'Neill here. please I wish you wouldn't pay me. I'd like to break your fucking thumbs.
00:31:42
Speaker
but Every day I look forward to you not paying me. I'm going to break something right home. That's Keanu Reeves' character's name, Connor O'Neill. Connor O'Neill here. I'm going to hide my accent for the rest of this episode, and I'll sound...
00:31:52
Speaker
Just like this. so but like he's he's sitting in his apartment waiting for Trinity to show up and take him to the main. Yeah.
Comparison to Other Sports Films
00:32:00
Speaker
When the door knocks, i'm like, follow the white rabbit.
00:32:03
Speaker
Huh? There is a scene where he's talking to the barber's nephew or whatever. He's like, you put it under your fucking dead dad's card.
00:32:16
Speaker
Who does that? Yeah, he used his dead dad's name to bet. A junkie. Or whatever. Well, don't worry. He gets over it once he gets a big hit. Just like a normal addict. Yeah. It's a terrible lesson.
00:32:27
Speaker
So, he basically, this guy is like, we have a... ah charity baseball team that I volunteered to coach, but I'm not going to do it. You're going to do it and I'll pay you. i make, I make so much money that I'm going to pay someone to do my charity work.
00:32:41
Speaker
Yeah. do you know who I am? They know each other from like high school or something. Yeah. Like this dude bang Keanu Reeves sister. And he's like, dude, you owe me from that thing. What thing? My sister. Yeah. So we meet the kids.
00:32:52
Speaker
So this this this is at Cabrini Green. that real? Can you, like, have people pay you to fuck your sister? Because I'm owed some fucking money. Because I should be rich.
00:33:03
Speaker
I have a couple friends out there. You know who you are. ah Find our Patreon.com and just give the money to Whitney that way. Please and thank you. There you You can make the donation anonymous.
00:33:15
Speaker
Or synonymous. But these... ah These kids live at Cabrini Green, which I mentioned last episode when we were talking about doing this episode. I think it's a good salad. ah It is the housing project in Chicago where Candyman takes place, which is why I remembered when I was like, wait, doesn't this take place at Cabrini Green? And you were like, yeah, I think so. That's why I remember Cabrini Green, because I was like, we're gonna Tony Todd's going to be here. That's why all these kids are terrified. The gangsters? No.
00:33:41
Speaker
Tony Todd. Yeah. That's why they're terrified. No, baby. We have to end to die because of Tony Todd. We have to end the game by five o'clock. And I'll tell you why. The Candyman.
00:33:52
Speaker
Yeah. You want bees? That's how you get bees. So we meet our our cast of kids, most of whom didn't really go on to do much. No, but I will say it's a pretty competent pack of kids.
00:34:03
Speaker
Yeah, they are good. i I feel like some of these kids could have done. I mean, a lot of them did. maybe four to ten things between this and like 2010 I'm starting to have drunken recall this is why I thought this would be a good Shippard movie because they're less shitty than the titular Shippards we do yeah yeah like at least they have their personality and a little bit of fucking fuck you charm yeah as We have ah the little fat
Patreon Plug and Community Engagement
00:34:27
Speaker
kid with diabetes and an inhaler, Jefferson Albert Timms.
00:34:31
Speaker
And you that just funny you better say it every time because he does. What's your It's funny because the when he comes up later to Keanu Reeves and he says something like Andre or one of the other kids' names, he's like, I'm Jefferson. And he like walks away all sad.
00:34:45
Speaker
No, I like all these kids. He fucking swanned up. Yeah, I looked at all these kids up. He grew up. he he's He's a handsome man. He doesn't do much. It doesn't look like. but It's much like, ah oh, what the fuck is his name from ah Goonies? Chunk?
00:35:02
Speaker
Yeah. Jeff Cohen. Jeff Cohen, yeah. Jeff Cohen. like He was like, you know what? yeah that being a fact being ah being made fun for Being a fat kid turned me into this. Being made fun of a fat kid turned me into this.
00:35:14
Speaker
Turned me into a podcaster. Exactly. See, I wasn't made fun of enough. Now look at me. The big one here is Jamal, played by Michael B. Jordan, as we mentioned in his film debut.
00:35:26
Speaker
And then in the best movie of the year this year, 24 years later. Oh, yeah. so yeah but and In that movie twice. Dude. he shouldve got He should get two Oscars.
00:35:38
Speaker
Should he get paid twice like Jean-Claude Van Damme did?
00:35:43
Speaker
No, because he didn't force a sex scene. they did Those actresses forced it on him. You're not wrong. It wasn't even a sex It was just a cunnilingus scene. So something I found out with, I think it was you guys doing the...
00:35:59
Speaker
Double Impact. Double Impact. When I was over on B Action. B Action, yeah. That he forces a sex scene in. Yeah, he always wants a sex scene in every movie. It was a fun listen, by the way. It was a fun listen. So check out B Action.
00:36:15
Speaker
Definitely. Our buddy, Justin Morris. Justin, Charlie mickey and Mickey. where they have They have a ah fucking advantage. They have an advantage over every podcast out there with that fucking velvety piped dude speaking. That's Charlie, you said?
00:36:34
Speaker
Mickey. Mickey's the velvety? Yeah. Mickey's the quiet one. But he's the one who does the intros for the who did the intros for a month of action. John Mortis. Yeah. Yeah. That's where I was getting Morris.
00:36:46
Speaker
oh okay. ah No, good guys, man. I enjoyed the listen. Super good guys.
Cultural Insensitivity in Team Names
00:36:52
Speaker
And the other actor here of the kids who did seems to have done stuff ah is the one that plays Andre, who I think is the kid with the sweatband on his head. Yeah, he's got the ear cover.
00:37:05
Speaker
His name is Brian Hearn. He didn't do a lot, but he was in some episodes. He was in like 15 episodes of all that. And he was in the movie Pootie Tang. um So those are things I recognize, at least. Absolutely. Because I did look up a lot of these young kids because it seems like they would transition into adult actors.
00:37:22
Speaker
Most of them did nothing. The ones that didn't did a lot of not Law and Order, but those types of shows. Yeah. Whatever a cheap network knockoff is of that.
00:37:33
Speaker
Hey, guys, I don't want to sound needy here. i'm needy. But we have a Patreon at Patreon.com. And I know times are hard right now. Real hard for me. Inflation's up. no You can't afford your groceries. Can't eat. We're not we're not begging. I'm begging.
00:37:49
Speaker
We're not pleading. I'm pleading. We're not down on our knees. Oh, boy. not and My knees hurt. They've been on it on so long. But we do kind of need the money. I need the money bad. We need new equipment.
00:38:01
Speaker
new equipment we need to do remote podcasts for all of you wouldn't mind eating we need to have video i wouldn't mind eating uh we need more drinks food sounds good so please check out patreon.com slash worst people please check us out you get a bonus episode every month and we're gonna have more content coming for you i'll send you pictures and thank you guys thank you so much please give me patreon.com i'm being held hostage here slash worst people don't pay my way out of here they're gonna kill me um Sharks of the Corn? Virus Shark? Cocaine Shark? Sharktopus?
00:38:37
Speaker
Yeah, those are all real movies. Join me, Steve Coates, as each week I take a comedic look at the bizarre world of shark exploitation cinema on Bucket of Chum, the shark movie podcast.
Narrative Inconsistencies
00:38:52
Speaker
Their team is The Cucumbas? Cucumbers, yes. Apparently all the teams are named after tribes in Africa, which just compounds, I think, on the not-greatness of this white-written and white-directed movie. I did not know that, and that does not help. I mean, that's what the internet told me. I don't know if that's true or not, but hey.
00:39:16
Speaker
It would make sense, because I didn't know what Cucumbas is. But so we meet the the douchebag coach who apparently was named Matt Highland, according to the credits. Oh, so yeah, that's a DB Sweeney. But that's DB Sweeney, who we will be talking about again so because he's in Spawn.
00:39:33
Speaker
Yeah. And Derek's probably never seen Cutting Edge and it shows. I know. have not. That is his number one most known for movie. And I was like, why does that sound familiar? Now I know why.
00:39:45
Speaker
It's because of us.
00:39:48
Speaker
Love that movie. We're going to do it. we Well, okay, we'll watch it. No, no, no. It's an episode because Derek will probably hate it. True. He also was in Megalopolis, but who wasn't?
00:40:00
Speaker
So a a and then we have the lightvan director of the league here, and they're basically like, hey, they're already trying to fuck this team. It's like, hey, you don't have enough kids to play.
00:40:12
Speaker
And if you don't have enough kids, you know, we we last year we had people showing up with five kids. How are we supposed to play a game? I'm like, again, you just said it game. That's how the kids want to play with five fucking players. Let them play with five fucking players. It's a guy. You'll smoke them anyway. For real.
00:40:27
Speaker
You know what happens if these kids don't get to play baseball? They have to become... They join a gang. They join a gang just like Michael B. Jordan because that's exactly what was stopping And then moves Baltimore. And he joins the fucking wire program, pilgrim.
00:40:41
Speaker
But that's the only thing that was stopping him from joining the gang was that he could play Little League baseball every other week. I mean, it's actually a truth, though, because ive i played I played sports. Hey, believe it or not, I played sports, guys.
00:40:52
Speaker
And there was a lot of kids that I played with that were like just, I mean, troubled kids that needed to go somewhere, have a little bit of structure with a coach. Also, because it was football or hockey, be able to hit somebody.
00:41:05
Speaker
That's something you got to do every now and then, dude. So you want to be a linebacker. You're in the mood you're in the mood to hit somebody? Make it structured. You know, violence isn't always bad. It's just it needs to be structured. UFC, boxing, hockey, all the major contact sports.
Lack of Character Development
00:41:21
Speaker
Someone has to get paid for it. Yeah. And not just your bookie.
00:41:28
Speaker
Although I'm taking the wrong lessons, dude. Hey, kids, don't do any of that. Just make big bets all the time. Eventually it pays off. Life works out. Yeah. No, don't bet. Twelve thousand dollars on the bulls covering the spread. or Yeah. Oh, yeah. i't I don't understand sports.
00:41:42
Speaker
um But there's two kids that are supposed to be on the team that aren't there because the teacher won't let them until they do their book reports. So and fucking Sister Wilkins because she's just a bitch.
00:41:53
Speaker
Well, they never say my ducks to assume she's sister oh because she's not a nun. Very, very Catholic school. Yeah. That's Elizabeth Wilkes played by Diane Lane.
00:42:04
Speaker
um And he shows up and he's like, she's like, so you work for Snyder and son security or whatever the fuck it was called. And he's like, oh, pretzels and sons. ah Yeah, I was in Canada on business.
00:42:16
Speaker
She's like, okay Sure were. Okay. Like, he says it unprompted. Like, she's she's not like, where were you during this or whatever. He's just like, I was in Canada on business.
00:42:27
Speaker
But he's also dressed like no one that's ever been to Canada on business. Ever. He's dressed like someone who owes bookies a lot of money. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. he's got like He's got, like, colorful button-up shirts that have, like, felt on them with, like, spiral patterns and shit.
00:42:40
Speaker
He... Patrick Swayze from Fatherhood. He's dressed like Patrick Swayze from Fatherhood. Yes, he is. Yes, he is. I bet he's got a little snub-nosed 38 every time he goes walking through the fucking projects. No, he has the baseball bat. He's got snub-nosed 38 inside of it.
00:42:58
Speaker
um And like... He's starting to hit on
Cultural Influence and Audience Reception
00:43:01
Speaker
her immediately because, of course, it's Diane Lane. She's beautiful. yeah And he's like, oh, well, you can't reach me at the office, but we could exchange personal numbers. ah And she's like, ah how about you read this book and then you get the kids to read this book and you talk about it with them?
00:43:16
Speaker
That's about that? Yep. I mean, this this exact moment is in um Mighty Ducks 2. Yeah. I mean, this this is Mighty Ducks and Bad News Bears by way of Uncut Gems.
00:43:32
Speaker
Uh huh. That's what's going on Oh, OK. Yeah. Because i don't know if you guys have seen Uncut Gems, but Adam Sandler owes bookies a bunch of money. Fair enough. um But that's not true in real life.
00:43:45
Speaker
Oh, no. He's got so much money. Can I make you more money, dude?
00:43:52
Speaker
That's the second time Adam Sandler's come up this month and he'll be on here if We come up a third time because we're talking about him next week. What are we doing? Blended. la Have you ever seen it?
00:44:05
Speaker
No. For good reason. Terry Crews. Yeah, but also Adam Sandler, a bunch of dumb kids. Andrew Barrymore. Is Dave Matthews in it?
00:44:17
Speaker
No.
00:44:20
Speaker
I think he Are sure? No.
00:44:24
Speaker
We'll find out next week.
00:44:28
Speaker
So, yeah, he goes talk to the Neal is. Or no, no, the mom the mom brings the kids to the baseball stadium. Or a baseball stadium. Baseball field. The little field. Hard quote field. Yeah, baseball field stretching it. Yeah, because it's in the projects. There ain't nothing back there but some fucked up projects.
00:44:47
Speaker
Stadium. this yeah That was my Keanu. Sorry. But the mom brings these kids. It's so gross back there. It's Kofi, Jarius, known as Baby G, and Raymont.
00:45:00
Speaker
Jarius, I'm just going to mention his actor, the actor there, even though he didn't do a lot because he's good. Wayne Warren, he's very he's yeah but he's charming and he's funny. Did he pass away? No, he just doesn't do any work.
00:45:12
Speaker
He was in like four things. He had almost nothing next to his IMDb. It's crazy because he did pass away in this movie. I know.
Humorous Banter and Personal Stories
00:45:19
Speaker
IRL, though, he's still around. Yeah. But basically she's like, okay, well, the kids can play baseball because ah Mrs. whatever the fuck her name was.
00:45:29
Speaker
wils Wilkes. Mrs. Wilkes thinks that, or Ms. Wilkes thinks that, you know, playing baseball be good for them, but you better help them with their fucking homework. They need to read. Or it's your fucking ass. Yeah. You know what?
00:45:40
Speaker
Good on you. Yeah. They need structure. And she even says it. She's like, they need structure in their life. Like Jack had just said. That's the point of it. in order to and further their education...
00:45:52
Speaker
Yeah. Or they need to further their education in order to play baseball. Yeah. Or something like that. Yeah, just like high school and not college. Yes. You have to get good grades so that you can play.
00:46:04
Speaker
No, you have to in college. As long as you don't have a fucked up coach. They just help you. Well, yeah, you have to get good grades in college. But the if you're at a football school, they just give you a good grades. um So i majored in PE. Says every sports movie I've ever seen.
00:46:18
Speaker
Yeah. Movies. Says the news. Google it. I mean, honestly, Whitney, he's not far off. I don't think it's all of them. there No, it's not all of them. No, it's the sports schools. It's.
00:46:30
Speaker
Most of these schools don't make they make more money off of their sports teams than they do off of enrollment. You also have you also have the sports movies that have the arm on academic probation. got to get my grades up or I can't fucking play. That's a fake. That's a false city. But that's always from that one teacher who really thinks those kids should try harder.
00:46:50
Speaker
Like, you know, what does it make? well ah Flubber. Oh, yeah. Flubber. He's quoting sports movies like flubber. Well, no, but Wil Wheaton's dad is paying off the school to give him good grades.
00:47:04
Speaker
Yeah. So that he can play sports ball. You know what doesn't make for a good sports movie? What?
Setting Critique and Realism
00:47:09
Speaker
What doesn't make for a good sports movie is the guy that gets a scholarship, does well in college, and never goes pro, goes home and marries a fucking chick and has a ah babies.
00:47:19
Speaker
Because those are the guys that don't have the skills to go pro. They use their scholarship in a good way. Doesn't make for a good movie, though. That's why we don't have those. it So it happens all the time is what I'm saying.
00:47:30
Speaker
um so But their practice is running long because he's waiting for Tiki to show up with this. These kids kids there for Tiki to show up his excuse to stay there, I guess. I don't know.
00:47:42
Speaker
It's a convenient thing so that the kids can head home late. And Jefferson, he's got front row to the MacGuffins. Yeah, and and Jefferson has to walk home alone because Keanu Reeves is like, I'm not giving you a ride, little fat kid.
00:47:54
Speaker
Fuck off. You can walk it off. Get the inhale out of here. So he walks up to New Jack City here, and I mean, they're literally... Candyman.
00:48:06
Speaker
He does have a box of sugar date babies. I understand that, like, I don't know. i I'm not going to act like I know anything about... The projects in Chicago or or anything like that.
00:48:17
Speaker
But the way they're portraying it here, it's just like people hang like roving gangs of of hoodlums hanging out, just cars on fire. Yeah. like Like they just like, well, sun went down, light this car on fire. Well, you're cold. Yeah, because they need light because there's no power.
00:48:32
Speaker
It seems... It's definitely exasperated. Yeah, it seems over-exaggerated. No, it can be both. It be exasperated, too. I'm exasperated.
00:48:44
Speaker
It's like when you explain a story to somebody about me.
Humorous Anecdotes and Tangents
00:48:49
Speaker
And just like, she was just raving lunatic mad. And I'm just like, usually why did you do that?
00:48:57
Speaker
I do I do love it's just kind of funny when and it's meant to be scary but I laughed when Jefferson runs in to hide in one of these buildings and there's just a guy in the background like smoking crack like he just lights this lighter that has like a a fucking five or six inch flame on it and he's just like lights it and the kid's like oh fuck I don't know what you're doing, but I shouldn't be here for it. That's a huge flame, sir.
00:49:21
Speaker
So the tunnel that he runs into to hide from everybody for a minute to catch his breath at the daycare I went to my preschool or whatever, they had one of those and we called it the kissing tunnel.
00:49:33
Speaker
Us five year olds called it the kissing tunnel. knew this is where was going. What part of Idaho are these kissing tunnels? And this was down on 22nd and Craycroft, Tucson, Arizona. Oh, God, that's the Idaho of Tucson.
00:49:44
Speaker
A lot of schools had these. We had them at my, where I went to kindergarten too, like the big, it's the concrete tunnels that would be put underground. You them tunnels. You call them tunnels. I call them construction workers dropped them and just never picked them up. So somebody's like, cool, spray paint them. That's a play thing now. I don't think that these were put there for a play thing. I think these were just left by someone. Yes. But I did have them on a playground growing up where it was like, it was not tunnels, but pipes, pieces of of like concrete pipes.
00:50:11
Speaker
It does not seem on purpose. But this is not because these are all fucking janky and i like at angles and shit like this is again. This is Mad Max shit. i love crawling on those bitches. though It's a it's it's a white person's view of the ghetto they never lived in.
00:50:26
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. You could just throw shit on a kid's playground and call it a toy. I mean, the the school I went to kindergarten at we had a really, really large like monster truck wheel. and that was that we also had that in the same yard yeah we had this really cool thing called corpsey where it was like a man a life-size man like a pliable man you know that you could like pretend like hey look my dad's here to pick me up and you put corpsey's arm around you like it was a real cool thing like hey corpsey just told me he's gonna take me fishing that's right son fishing on saturday you hear that saturday we're going fishing with corpsey
00:51:02
Speaker
ah That toy only lasted a few weeks, though, before somebody had to come and pick it up. No, it was like, the thing is, it had this really cool, it was very lifelike in how it started to decompose a little bit. Like, Corpsey became bony, bony became ashy, and, like, just different versions your...
Sports Dynamics and Relationships
00:51:19
Speaker
Oh, because of the Susan Sun, it just, like, caught on fire?
00:51:21
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it burnt up. That was when he was angry. You didn't want to hug him that day, my friends. Woo! Because the bowls didn't cover the spread? The bowls didn't cover the spread. Dad's red hot.
00:51:34
Speaker
but So Keanu Reeves and Tiki are off scalping tickets and they're like ripping people off. It just kind of gives you more about who they are. They're not even honest scalpers. Yeah, the one kid's like, you sold us tickets to yesterday's game. And Tiki's just like, I love crack.
00:51:47
Speaker
And the kid's like, oh, fuck, and runs away. Like, don't fuck with the crackhead. I love crack. ah But this is when he decides that his big plan to get out of debt with bookies is to bet $12,000 that he doesn't have on the Chicago Bulls, who have been losing ever since Michael Jordan left.
00:52:07
Speaker
So, fuck. They're due. Yeah, they're due. because there is a thing, he because he does switch the bet up. Anyway. Yeah. We'll get there. He hasn't made the bet yet, right? He switches the bet up, but it's back to what he said right here in this scene.
00:52:22
Speaker
Oh, okay. Because right before he makes the bet, he goes with the other team, and then he goes, actually, never mind. Go with original plan. guess the the life lesson maybe is supposed to be go with the sure thing, not the bet against the grain. Go with your gut. Yeah. Go with your gut. Don't go with the safe thing.
00:52:39
Speaker
If we're trying to find a fucking life lesson in the betting movie. But like he goes back to another practice and the kids are fighting and he shows up. He's like, what the hell is going on here? And this was really funny. a little baby G basically steps up and he recaps what just happened. Oh, like Michael Pena and Ant-Man.
00:52:57
Speaker
Yeah. OK. Yeah. first, Andre said that you're the he's the best player. And then Jamal said, no, I'm the best player. And then he punched Andre in the stomach. And then Andre jumped. Like it's the whole thing. Okay. Okay. Okay. he's like I didnt get it. Then coffee was there, right? Then he said, you're a bitch. I was like, no, man, I bet you're a bitch. No, you're a bitch, bitch. And then he was like, no, you're the bitch.
00:53:16
Speaker
I get it. is it I get it. That's all I could think of was Michael Pena in Ant-Man. I thought of Chunk from Goonies just going too far. Tell me everything. I threw the vomit over the ledge and then everyone was like. like The big turning point for these kids.
00:53:32
Speaker
When jokes go too far and you almost throw up. Like, these kids are terrible. i dont i don't We haven't gotten to the first game yet. But like this is where they start becoming a team because like they're all shit-talking each other on the practice field.
00:53:48
Speaker
And Keanu Reeves is like, no more shit-talking. And
Pacing and Emotional Beats
00:53:52
Speaker
so they all just shut up. and He's like, what, you can't talk shit? You can't say anything? So then they just start kind of joking with each other. Like Michael B. Jordan gets underneath a pop fly and it hits him in the head. And they're like, oh, you really got your head in that one. ah Where do you use your melon?
00:54:05
Speaker
it's It's like... This quick of a flip. I want like I'm used to in a movie that with this kind of thing where it's, the you know, these white savior movies. You have all these people like dangerous minds.
00:54:17
Speaker
Where was the candy bars? Those kids don't flip right away. it takes a whole movie. but But we had to clear. It's just like stop saying mean stuff. And so they stop saying mean stuff. It's because he's the coach and you listen to your coach.
00:54:28
Speaker
In another version of this movie, there is no baby funeral. It is just a fucking baseball movie, and it does take longer. That's what you need to make this work. Make these kids like, I'll say what I fucking want, little bitch-ass coach.
00:54:41
Speaker
Then you're off the fucking team. at this white motherfucker. Look you just came out the Matrix. Somebody should plug that a little bitch in. That was the big thing when I texted you right right after we finished and i was like, this isn't an episode because I was like, there's a coffin that is half the height of Keanu Reeves in this movie, which means it's not funny. And it only has four ball bears.
00:55:00
Speaker
You only need so you need one large dude to carry that coffin out. It's so funny. You got fucking Shaquille O'Neal over spitting that thing on his finger for You got Terry Baleo showing up.
00:55:11
Speaker
Mr. Hulk Hogan. He's coughing into space. Oh, no. He's fucking on the side of it like it's a fucking turnbuckle just shaking it. Brother! Get up, brother! I mean, if it was a real emotional part, I wouldn't make a fun of it. But it's so it's such a forced emotional part that it's like, fuck you. very unearned.
00:55:30
Speaker
So this is based on a book. And I'm going to almost guarantee you that that wasn't in the book. I'll bet you the book was about this coach helping these kids get together. and it's It's called Hardball, ah A Season at Cabrini Green or something like that. Yeah. And I'll bet you it's a baseball story.
00:55:47
Speaker
And then then Mr. Nickelodeon Paramount was like, I have a really good idea. What if we murder one of these kids? Then people will give a shit. That sounds about right to me, dude. It's just a simple fact. like It's a baseball movie because there is a good movie here.
00:55:59
Speaker
They just chopped a lot of it out and added on Baby Funeral.
Cultural Impact and Longevity
00:56:02
Speaker
Well, and especially because of the way the ending happens, like the way it just gets into it. And then there's a weird cut back and it's this very poorly edited. I feel like there is a line that he says during the eulogy that I feel like this whole movie is built around.
00:56:16
Speaker
It's the line where he's like, and in that moment, I felt like. I was lifted up to a better place in that moment. He lifted the whole world up to a better place.
00:56:28
Speaker
The movie's written around that fucking line that somebody had. I mean, this was filmed before 9-11, obviously, the way movies release. But like somebody wrote that line when they were drunk as shit was like, ooh, lifted the whole world up into a better place.
00:56:43
Speaker
I like that. Now, how do we get there? How do we get to that? Oh, you got it. Murder kids. Murder. Kill the kid. If we put in my note, kill the kid, the favorite kid, kill the kid, get a banana.
00:56:54
Speaker
We'll kill the little, we'll kill a little funny kid with the big head. yeah Which one of these kids has the most personality? can Um, I do like Keanu showing up to, Ms. Wilkes class, trying to like impress her. So he shows up in a suit cause he's there to talk to them about whatever.
00:57:12
Speaker
And this the pants, the pants are like super high water. Can you introduce your pants to your shoes? Yeah, maybe they can have a party. Invite your pants to your shoes so they can have a party together.
00:57:26
Speaker
But we do see that he's keeping up his part of the bargain because they're talking about the book A Wrinkle in Time, which is a big book for our kids. And it was made into a movie with ah Jack Black, I think.
00:57:37
Speaker
Oh, really? We watched it. We took Zoe to see it. Yeah, we we took Zoe to the theater and saw I don't remember anything about a childhood had. um But I love I love that like the teacher Diane Lane is trying to coax Kofi into talking about the book and he's just like it was poo poo and she's like she's like well I'm assuming you didn't read the book so I'm gonna talk to your mom and he goes off on this thing he's like man that girl dick Meg is dumb as fuck like and he goes off on this whole thing about how she's looking for her dad and she thinks he's gonna come back but where I come from dads ain't never coming back yeah it's very sad
00:58:10
Speaker
Is it? It's definitely not emotionally manipulative. So we get he there's a uniform delivery. The kids get their uniforms. Of course, they're these like dirty many time used shirts, even though it seems like they just got them. So i don't know how they could have been used, but they bought used dirty shirts and they just printed on them.
00:58:31
Speaker
Yeah. it It's from last year. It's, you know, recycled. It's from a team that got fucking defunct because some little kid died. Oh. And we get. um Seems like a common occurrence in the city.
00:58:43
Speaker
We get this original song that was made for this movie. Oh. um By. So the the main artist is an artist named Sammy, apparently. But it features Lil Bow Wow and Lil Wayne.
00:58:55
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, you got double Lils? You Lil Lil? Yeah. It's the Lillest. It's the Lillest rap song.
00:59:02
Speaker
Well, we get Lilla's funeral. And they got their money's worth out of this song because I think they play it every time the kids are doing good at baseball. ah Which one is this? The one that has like a girl singing about it? That's Little Bow That's not a girl. It's a Little Bow Wow. It's like, when I get to first ah first ball, I hit the strike. Shut up. du That's not 12-year-old boy. That's a 21-year-old female.
00:59:24
Speaker
Yeah. Little boys had really high voices. I know, but it's not even masculine. I remember my sister getting mad at me because like I'd get a phone call. She's you have a phone call. I'm all who is it? Is a guy or girl? She's like, I can't fucking tell with your age.
00:59:38
Speaker
Maybe it's this Sammy person who like the song is credited to like the main artist. Maybe that's a girl. Maybe a little bow. I was definitely in there rapping and and ah you just know Lil Wayne's there because he's like, Lil Wheezy.
00:59:50
Speaker
And that's about it. Got that. All right cool. Good day in the studio, Wayne. It's a stupid fucking song, though. Daddy. um So it's their first big game. Daddy. And ah they get wrecked.
01:00:03
Speaker
They get annihilated. it's like but This other coach comes up. He's like, so we can't start another inning after 630. And it's 637. And we're up 16 to Did did you want to keep going with that I just love that Keanu's like, oh, no, fair point. All right. look can i All right. Yeah.
01:00:19
Speaker
Didn't know when this quit. I guess mathematically it it would be impossible for us to come back on you. All right. Cool. So do you want to meet up at a bar? you need tickets somewhere?
01:00:33
Speaker
How's this work? But he does take the kids out for pizza. Yeah, because Kofi did hit a home run. well koy Kofi quit because he's like, man, fuck this team. This
Cultural Disconnects
01:00:42
Speaker
team sucks. And he like storms out.
01:00:44
Speaker
So he doesn't get pizza. I don't think that that was right now. That was right now. So he gets in a fight with Andre in the dugout and then he walks out. That's right. Sucks because he takes them all the pizza. And we got little baby G is like, man, I'm down for that shit.
01:00:57
Speaker
Hell yeah, motherfucker. I love that fucking pizza, bitch. Hand me another slice, motherfucker. And he orders three pies. He orders three large pies. But we know Keanu's broke, so he goes to trade scout tickets to these dudes at the pizza shop.
01:01:12
Speaker
And I love that, like, this is a black neighborhood. These guys are black. He's like, oh, you guys want tickets for the Blackhawks game? And the guy's like, dude, the only thing black at a Blackhawks game is the puck. Yeah. Well, he makes the joke because it's there is the this is the term is the Negro Baseball League, like the Negro Leagues.
01:01:28
Speaker
He's like ah me and the missus go to the Negro Hockey ah Hall of Fame all the time, which does not exist. Like he is. He's like, what's it motherfucker, you think I want hockey? Hockey.
01:01:40
Speaker
So he has to give up his Bulls tickets. Good thing, because then he could be at home to bet or whatever. I don't know what the timeline of this movie is. It could be one crazy summer.
01:01:51
Speaker
It's at least, I mean, it's at least a couple of weeks. We see multiple games. Yeah. I guess it's like Wednesday and Saturday, it sounds like, because he keeps saying practice on Wednesday and stuff.
Miles and Autism Representation
01:02:01
Speaker
Yeah. um We do find out that this kid, Miles, wants to pitch. He's the one that's always got his headphones in.
01:02:07
Speaker
He's autistic. He's a little autistic. We didn't have that back then. had a thought that Whitney was going to love this little kid. I do love him. Because he's got his little thing. he figured out He figured out his way to live.
01:02:18
Speaker
yeah Yeah. And then DV Sweeney comes along and fucks him. Dude, as somebody that, like, you know, we're we're we're all three of us are bartenders, so you'd think that we like this human interaction a lot. No, we just do it.
01:02:30
Speaker
If I could not have my earbuds in a lot of the times that I do have them in, my life would be very different. This kid needs wireless earbuds and some Spotify. That was all I could think the whole time. The only time I ever wear my earbud is when I'm here recording and I have it in my ear.
01:02:45
Speaker
I have them. record i have them plugged in charging for three months But you know why, though? Your your brand of of Tism is talking menopause induced. No, it's talking to people. You love to talk to people. You enjoy it.
01:02:59
Speaker
Derek and I are trying to fucking drown out our own thoughts without having to talk to somebody to do it. Hence speed metal in five point one surround sound. I put in my headphones and listen to people talk, but not yeah me.
01:03:13
Speaker
You can't look a podcast in the eye.
01:03:16
Speaker
Unless you're watching on YouTube. Ooh, where you can find us. Or Patreon. Glorious freshly watched. We can listen to this episode ad-free.
White Guilt and Dangerous Walk
01:03:27
Speaker
um So Keanu ends up taking Andre home and he's like, Andre doesn't want to get out of the car. So he's like, ah you want to come see my house?
01:03:34
Speaker
Yeah. It's really just a way of like, will you please walk me in? So walk me home. Yeah. Oh, because the law firm or law firm. Sorry. Mighty Ducks. ah The investing firm. The rich people company gave him a van to get people home because Jefferson was in the.
01:03:51
Speaker
It's a station wagon hospital. Sorry. Station. wagon Sorry. Yeah. He's got a little wagon, but it's just it's another moment of like emotional manipulation, white guilt, all this stuff, because he's walking the kid up and you're going through the apartments and instead of windows, like why is everybody sitting on the floor? he's like, well, you've got to sit below the windows so you can avoid the bullets. And what do you do for fun?
01:04:11
Speaker
I play baseball with you. ah Dude, know why he's like, what are we supposed to do? Like, what? Fun? What the fuck are you talking about? Fun. You know, dude, for fun, I survive. It's real fun seeing tomorrow, coach.
01:04:26
Speaker
No, I'm not denying that there's places like that, but I think this definitely is. It just doesn't seem genuine. It's entirely possible. Because, I mean, you go, ah there was a show called. Oh, fuck. I can't remember what it was called.
01:04:39
Speaker
It was about like ah the Bronx and stuff back when the hit when hip hop was starting. was ah It was a Baz Luhrmann show, I think. but um Interesting. I didn't know he did his show. It was a pretty interesting show. I have to remember what it was called.
01:04:53
Speaker
But they're going through um like the Bronx and stuff and like build it it looks like Iraq. Like buildings are just crumbling. The stuff's on fire. And that was real at that point in time. So this could entirely be real.
01:05:06
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I don't I mean, i don't know, but it's just it's it's in this movie to manipulate the white people who are going to see it into feeling sad. Yeah. You want a movie written about a guy that came from a ghetto ah portraying the ghetto he came from? City of God.
01:05:20
Speaker
I know it's not American, but like that's genuine movie. That dude is writing about what he fucking lived day to day. This guy is writing about like, man, it'd be it'd probably suck to be in that scenario. So let me let me write about it.
01:05:32
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Right. What you know, motherfuckers. We get to game two. I know how to manipulate people emotionally. Right? What you know. We get to game two where Miles pitches and he's got a fucking heater.
01:05:44
Speaker
Yeah, he He's striking people out. Yeah, he's listening to... Love it when you call me Big Papa. Yeah, Big Papa. And yeah, he does the hand waving and everything and it's great.
01:05:55
Speaker
I do like... ah G trying to explain to Keanu Reeves because he's like, oh, he's listening to Notorious B.I.G., Big Papa. And Keanu Reeves is like, I don't know what that is. I've never heard of popular culture.
01:06:06
Speaker
And so we yeah you got Baby G doing the... He's running the lyrics. Doing the lyrics, but that my favorite is he's like, there's some ladies in the house tonight that should be having my baby. But he's like a little like four foot tall. um There's some ladies in the house that should be having my baby.
01:06:21
Speaker
Baby. Baby. ha Keanu Reeves invites Diane Lane off to to go to dinner. um That comes up a little later, but that's important because it's when Keanu Reeves reveals that his character is actually just a huge piece of shit for no reason. And she knew it.
01:06:37
Speaker
Yeah, but I mean, he's so bad. Dude, this scene threw me for a loop. I'm like, why is that He's acting like a fucking junkie. I understand gambling is an addiction, whatever, but he flips so fucking hard on her. Yeah, she goes they they meet for dinner at a sports bar, first of all.
01:06:55
Speaker
Dude, it's a shitty sports bar. yeah It's a shitty sports bar. He picks a dirty table. like he's like, do you want to eat? And she just looks like...
01:07:07
Speaker
No. Do I? No. don't think. You know what? I thought about it. bet food was really good. I'm not in the mood for diarrhea today. It's a Chicago fucking dive sports bar, man. You can find some better shit on the street. too Yeah. Walk out on the street and get a hot. Yeah. The slice of pizza.
01:07:22
Speaker
A Chicago dog comes with everything on it. Everything. Oh, yeah. Keanu Reeves ate pizza earlier in this movie. And it's the first time I've ever seen pizza in a movie that I was like, why does that pizza look good? He's like, not all Chicago pizza's deep dish.
01:07:34
Speaker
No, but I told her she's like, that pizza actually looks good. i was like, it's because someone on the production crew went there in Chicago. Someone went down to the street, bought a slice of pizza and brought it up. That was all that was at his craft services for the day. Oh, yeah. Craft services is getting Chicago takeout. This guy's like, it's the easiest job i've ever fucking had. he But like when he meets with Diane lane she's like she's trying to like coax him out of telling him her the truth because she knows the truth already. Yeah. She's like, you don't look like a broker. And that's when he just immediately flips because he's got this. Broker than you are.
01:08:03
Speaker
You look like a boring school teacher. It reminds me of ah ah Happy Gilmore. Yeah. yeah so Yeah. Happy Gilmore. yeah had I see those finger paint bringing home. They suck.
01:08:15
Speaker
Yeah. you're You're a shitty kindergarten teacher. but Like, i I would do exactly what Diane Lane did here and just get up and leave. Get up. Yeah, absolutely. I my worth.
01:08:26
Speaker
He tells her the whole story of ah his whole story from the movie so far. She's like, yeah, I know. And she's like, but I came down to see what those kids see in you because they trust you and they don't trust anybody.
01:08:38
Speaker
And also I wanted to offer you a job. And he's like, wait, a job. And she's like, hand go fuck yourself and jumps in the cab and bounces. Well, because he does this thing where it's it's it's it's his insecurity showing where he's like, i'm just but my life makes tiny little people like you feel better.
01:08:53
Speaker
to laugh at my stupid life. You think it's tough wearing leather jackets selling tickets and making bets? It is. ah You think it's easy always running from bookies?
01:09:05
Speaker
I wake up at the crack of noon. I chug a brewski to get my day going the way it should. Then I make a bet. And then when the sun is warm, I walk outside and I get a coffee.
01:09:18
Speaker
You think it's easy? No. When he has to break into his own apartment later when the bookie guys are chasing him. like But when he goes in and he falls in and there's a bunch of clattering noises, the subtitles said gate clatters. I was like, those were empty beer bottles. Uh-huh. Or liquor. ah Yeah, there was there was definitely empty glass bottles that we're drinking. He might be doing some heavy liquor some of these nights.
01:09:43
Speaker
he said Oh, sorry. He says it when they win. He's like, nope, tonight's liquor. So if they've had a good bet, they're getting liquor. If not, they can just afford beer. You're doing that backwards, my friend.
01:09:55
Speaker
Yeah. Also, when when he asked Diane Lane on the date, I forgot to mention. It doesn't really matter, but it does. Kofi comes back to play. ah Baby G is his negotiator. It's kind of funny.
01:10:06
Speaker
oh It's good. It's a good team. Yeah. I have to regotiate his contract. I love it. Baby G's good, man. Baby G was probably my favorite part of this whole fucking movie. Yeah. Okay. I can see that.
01:10:19
Speaker
But we see Keanu Reeves like growing as a person, ah apparently for the, at least in this, for the kids, because when Kofi comes over and and he's like, yeah, so I can play again. He's like, yeah, but if you fucking talk shit or fight anybody, you're done.
01:10:34
Speaker
Yeah. It's like, cool. I got you. And then they stand there and watch the game together awkwardly. And it's it's in another in a better movie. It's Keanu realizing that he never had a good chance in life.
01:10:45
Speaker
So he's going to give these kids whatever chance he can. We don't explore that. And then, oh, part of the reason that Keanu Reeves flips out at Diane Lane and the reason he flips on these kids later is because he does go place his big twelve thousand dollar bet.
Emotional Bet and Financial Troubles
01:10:59
Speaker
with ah ah Fink, the cement man, who is Mark Margolis, who I mentioned. like He's Breaking Bad, Requiem for a Dream. Ace Ventura. Ventura. Yes, Satan.
01:11:12
Speaker
he's He's in Breaking Bad. He's the wheelchair with the ding ding. That's how I was like, oh, my God, that's Breaking Bad. He's just a terrifying human. Even here, he's an older guy. Like, he doesn't look physically old. He's always been but Exactly. Okay. He's always been He born old.
01:11:26
Speaker
This is him at, like, Miami 35. But he's he's never physically imposing, but you're still terrified of him. Yeah, because you know what that motherfucker can do. And when Keanu walks in, he's like, I want to make a bet. And he's like, i'm ah an investment banker. He's like, that's your first lie.
01:11:42
Speaker
Like just right off the bat rips him. He's like, oh, shit, damn. well he was in I mentioned he was in Requiem for a Dream, but he's in Pie, which is Darren Aronofsky's first movie, his little like indie film that he made. That was like five, six years before this.
01:11:55
Speaker
He looks slightly older in that than he does in this. I think maybe he's Benjamin Buttoning. I don't know. Do you know who? Okay, Dennis Farina. We love, right? We love Dennis Farina. Yeah. I watched the Oscars. Don't ah you. You know who this is. Can you. explain Oh, he's in snatch.
01:12:12
Speaker
um He's the Bubby baby. You've referenced him before as a tough guy. Yes. Yeah. you You described him as you say Bubby babies. Oh, but that's not buy not bothy she Bubby Baby. Bubby she's usually thinking of Die Hard. Die Hard.
01:12:27
Speaker
Oh, I'm sorry. yeah Oh, I know who that is. Dennis Farina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Dennis Farina, if you're if you're listening and not watching, ah please look up Dennis Farina. He died in Scottsdale, by the way. Oh, man. That's better than Yuma. He was a good-looking older man, right?
01:12:43
Speaker
Go back to the 80s, like 81, I think. There's a Chuck Norris movie called Code of Silence that he's in. Dude, he's a new actor. He's got terrible skin, and he looks as old, if not older, there than he did in fucking Snatch in like 2000. Like that dude had a glow-up where all of a sudden he got like a fucking skin regiment and was like, damn. Damn.
01:13:03
Speaker
Damn, Dennis Farina. We started making money. well Started making money. But also science had evolved. In the 80s, they were like, dude, just you need to fucking diet? Just drink vodka instead of having beer.
01:13:16
Speaker
He discovered water. Have you tried Marlboro Marlboro lights?
01:13:21
Speaker
But yeah, this think is like, dude, you're too emotional. And all this stuff. We're trying to make his bets. He's like, I don't really fuck with emotional people, he's got money. Thousand, a hundred thousand dollars a bet. And they don't get emotional as you with 12,000.
01:13:34
Speaker
You're making me weird. Yeah. He's like, so I know you've got some issue. ah But his his betting handle with Fink is Cucumbus. um i just All I thought is somebody with an accent like, all right, he said Cucumbus.
01:13:48
Speaker
Is that right? I wrote down Cucumbus. 12,000 on Cucumbus. 12,000 on Cucumbus. ah Are those the things? Those are pre-pickles? The Cucumbus? Is that the pre-pickle?
01:13:59
Speaker
I like him that is a post-pickle. That's what you do before you make pickle and chop it up and put neon green food dye in it and put it on your hot dog. It's actually blue. Is it blue? It is blue. Nice. What's they put blue? on it They put blue food diet on the cucumbers to make it bright green.
01:14:15
Speaker
Why? Science. Because more blue makes green. More blue makes green? The primary colors are yellow, red, and blue. Mr. Wizard is rolling over in his coffin if he's dead. Otherwise, he's just having bad night's sleep.
01:14:30
Speaker
because he would get More blue makes green. More blue makes green. You might be right. Science wise, not mouth wise. Hey, my mouth is beautiful.
01:14:42
Speaker
So the next. Hide it now. The next game is when DB Sweeney comes out and he's like, oh, these kids are too old to play. And he's they look at the birth certificates and Michael B. Jordan's was altered to show that he was born.
01:14:56
Speaker
They changed it to year earlier, but it was because he was born two weeks too early to be in this league. And now he's two or two weeks too late. Whatever. Because he's too old now. I don't get it. think they were saying he was too old.
01:15:07
Speaker
Yeah, it was very confusing, but it turns out he was too old. At first thought they were saying he was too young. I'm like, what, he's a nine-year-old with a big growth spurt? Yeah, that's okay. Kid's five and a half feet tall. Sports be played should be played by height anyway.
01:15:19
Speaker
Well, it's just so stupid, too. It's like this the point of this league is to help these underprivileged children have something to do to keep them out of trouble. Give them somewhere to go after school so they don't get into trouble.
01:15:31
Speaker
You're two weeks too old, so now go join a gang. Go get in trouble. Have fun. Yeah. So Jamal is kicked off and ah the coach sees that Miles is using his headphones and his music and he realizes that's why he's pitching so well.
01:15:48
Speaker
He goes up and he's like, oh, it's a safety issue if he has his headphones on and blah, blah, blah. So he gets the umpire to agree. And then Keanu Reeves. calls all the kids over and he's like, let me explain to you guys why the league is fucking you. I want them to hear why you're saying this.
01:16:04
Speaker
Yeah. Like Jamal was born two weeks too early. Miles pitching is too good. So they want to get rid of him. And that's when baby G is like, man, this is some weak ass bullshit. The umpire's like, uh, excuse me, what did you say? Okay, so it was before the game even started.
01:16:19
Speaker
Okay, you're right. Okay. And then, yeah, wait what did you say? And then Keanu's like, I think he said this is some weak-ass bullshit, punk bitch. Is that right, Baby I really like that Baby G says weak-ass bullshit, you bitch-ass buster.
01:16:32
Speaker
But Keanu Reeves stops at weak-ass bullshit. He's like, I'm not going to call him a bitch-ass buster. He could actually punch me pretty hard. He's got those dad paws. yeah And of course the first pitch after Miles takes off his headphones is a home run yep from these fucking woo-woo kids or whatever the team is called. the i I just remember because that's what Kofi calls them. He's like, what are these? Are these boo-woos?
01:16:53
Speaker
i can't remember what the name is, but Kofi just calls them. Why do we got to play these boo-woo kids again? It's B-A-W-A-B-A-W-U-A. B-A-W-U. Use in sentence.
01:17:04
Speaker
ah These Bawas are some cheating ass motherfuckers. Thank you. Accepted. So then Keanu Reeves loses his shit at the kids because it's just it's all about the stress of his bet and worrying that he's going to be murdered if he loses.
01:17:19
Speaker
Pretty much. But like. He tells him quits. As we said, he's not good at coping with his own shit and he takes it on everybody around him. So weird flex.
01:17:31
Speaker
So they go off him and Tiki to watch the Bulls game. They're watching it through the window of the bar. He's like, I just feel better out here. It's better this way. It's better. It's this whole sports thing. Because when they cut back to him, he's looking at the ground.
01:17:43
Speaker
Can I look back yet? Okay. They got a three. And he's like, can I look now? He's like, no, you're not looking and it's working. So don't look. Yeah. I've been there. I've been there as a sports fan before. I'm like, ah they were doing better when I wasn't in the room. so I'm going to go in the next room and just it's for the greater good.
01:17:58
Speaker
You know, I do the same thing and I'm not even that big of a sports fan. But when I'm at work and like say my Cardinals are on because we play baseball and I sit i notice that they're winning. So I like refuse to watch.
01:18:12
Speaker
So it's like it's you're not superstitious. You're just kind of stitious. Just kind of. Well, I would hate to watch my team win. i only want to watch them while they're losing a medium amount of stitches.
01:18:23
Speaker
But it's funny because I read in the IMDb trivia, because you know that some sports nerd saw this and knew what game this was. yeah Apparently these guys didn't want to license NBA footage because this is like the Continental Basketball Association. And it's like the Vancouver something versus the Seattle pickle washers.
01:18:42
Speaker
like I don't even know, dude. It's like the most ridiculous team names. If there is a team that's just anywhere in the world called a pickle washers, I want that jersey.
01:18:53
Speaker
I want that hat. I want a pickle washer fucking memorabilia. Please. I 99.9% guarantee you that was not the name of the team.
01:19:04
Speaker
Oh, I know it wasn't, but I'm saying like if there is a team in this existence called the Pickle Washers, I can't see that. It looks like somebody wants me to just make a jersey called the Pickle Washers. It's not nearly as dumb as I thought.
01:19:16
Speaker
Oh, it says Pickleball. It's the Yakima kings or yacomma Sun Kings and La Crosse Bobcats from Washington and Wisconsin, respectively.
Fictional Sports Team Joke
01:19:26
Speaker
Yeah, that's the Pickle Washers is so much better.
01:19:29
Speaker
I got Pickle Washers from the quick brush over. What the is the mascot for the Pickle Washer? A fucking cloth? It's Jason Statham. A tub of it. Oh, are we Jason back? is Jason coming back? Oh, get that pickle as clean as I can.
01:19:42
Speaker
What's the job? I'm washing that pickle. Right, get that pickle scrub before the Germans get here.
01:19:51
Speaker
What's that pickle weigh? 2.6 kilos. I'm still thinking about Jason Statham as the masturbator from last week.
01:20:00
Speaker
I'll scrub that pickle. Get that the fuck away from me. What's the blowjob? handjob is still a job.
01:20:10
Speaker
When it's that big, you're going to need like five hands. I've got feet too, love. And a mouth. So you're just going to be like... I'm going to slide down it like a fireman, Paul.
01:20:23
Speaker
But so Chicago loses the game, but only by four, which means they cover the spread. gave was plus six. So he wins a bunch of money. He walks into Duffy's bar singing Big Papa, which is one of the things I didn't know I needed in life.
01:20:37
Speaker
yeah But Keanu Reeves just awkwardly over with you bear oh softly saying the lyrics waving his hands like he in fact does care. it's It's the appearance of somebody that cares.
01:20:49
Speaker
that's one of the things about his performance in this is like when he's at the beginning, when he's down on his luck, gambling scumbag guy, he's doing okay. But when he starts flipping out at people, like when he flips out at Diane Lane, when he flips out at the kids at the game, he's just doing this thing where his arms are just like stiff and like flying in all directions. It's like, he's a broken robot.
01:21:08
Speaker
Well, so I didn't know this, but when hes yeah yeah yeah when he was filming the matrix, he had just been recovering from, um neck surgery. Yeah.
01:21:19
Speaker
Oh, really So I wonder. This later. Well, not way later. It's three years. It's 2001. Like, I wonder if his next surgery leaves him stiff. Because he runs a very certain way. He gets up off the ground a very rigid way. Like when he was getting beat up earlier by himself, pulling a liar, liar.
01:21:37
Speaker
Like he has the same. I don't know. He's got a very rigid way of moving ever since that Matrix movie. John Wick, same thing. He kills it in John Wick. I ain't talking shit. It's just he has a very Keanu way of moving, running, getting up off the ground, coughing. See, Kofstenstein.
01:21:56
Speaker
Kofstenstein? It's Constantine, but he coughs a lot. Kofstenstein. I got a Kofstenstein. This guy Duffy is giving him shit. And like it's it's your look at these racist white people moment because he's like, why don't you go back and coach all those black kids?
01:22:13
Speaker
Yeah, he's just like, tap you don't know anything about them. Oh, oh, storms out. mean, why would you be upset? Like, what have you been doing with your spare time coaching black kids? but Should have been making bets and drinking liquor. You idiot should have making bets. You couldn't pay off. Yeah. Oh, wait, I took away your I took away your account. You couldn't make bets.
01:22:31
Speaker
all right, well, you should have made bets with somebody else until you win big because you're inevitably going to, and then come back and keep betting with me. So he goes back to the baseball field on the way to go make some more bets with Tiki.
01:22:44
Speaker
He's just going to drop off the equipment to the kids, and they're all pissed off. That's all I'm doing. You just came here to tell us you quit. We already know, you fucking loser. I had to drop off the equipment. I like this scene, though, because he's like, have any of you ever been to a major league game?
01:22:57
Speaker
No, I didn't think so, because you're poor. that's why you guys suck. You can't be a team unless you've gone to one. You need to have hundreds of dollars to go to one game. The way he's talking to these kids, though, again, it's just not great delivery from him. I love Keanu Reeves, but...
01:23:13
Speaker
He has a ah certain range that he's good in and this is outside of it. But we've talked about it before. Countries is not a good actor. We just like when he's being himself. Yeah. yes And this is not him being and when when he the kids are like, we don't need you. And he's like, huh, you don't need me. Good luck without me. And he walks away and then he walks back.
01:23:31
Speaker
And even the subtitles said it very stiltedly. He goes, ha ha. ah in their face and the subtitles were like ha space ha space that is the best impersonation you've ever done with keanu reeves is him doing this fucking evil laugh and he does the same thing when he mentions the baseball he's like you ever been to a professional game they're like no he's like ah Rub it in your face.
01:23:57
Speaker
I love it. Tiki over here is like, are we fucking going, bro, or what? Are you ah you mocking these poor children? Can we isolate Derek doing that laugh and just make it my ringtone?
01:24:07
Speaker
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I love it, dude. That's getting me. You got to have a video of him doing it, too. So that'll be the the opening screen. but Yeah, when I call Jack, which never happens. Mm-hmm.
01:24:24
Speaker
I know. I call him who died. Hulk Hogan. Because she called me without fucking texting. was drunk. Fucking maniac. So was I. and that's why I was like, who fucking died?
01:24:35
Speaker
baby Baby G. G died. So he takes these kids all the way to Detroit for a baseball game ah because they're definitely in the Detroit stadium, I want to say, because I saw the the like old English D on the seats.
01:24:47
Speaker
So it's got to be Detroit Tigers stadium. But hey, you know. But aren't they in Chicago? They're in Chicago, and they see Sammy Sosa at the game. It's much cheaper to film. Oh, my God. yeah it was cheaper to film at the Detroit Tigers stadium. Did you want to find a place that has slums?
01:25:02
Speaker
Because Detroit is probably pretty cheap to film in. I'm going to tell you right now, when Sammy Sosa got on the screen, I was all... And then I looked over at husband. i was like, yeah, I know Sammy Sosa. It's the last time he had this much pigmentation. Have you seen him since?
01:25:19
Speaker
No. He has the, uh, the, what are the diseases that you? That's the hair thing. Vitiligo. Sure. No, he's very, very white now. It's crazy.
01:25:30
Speaker
The one that Michael Jackson claimed he had. Exactly. Exactly. I only know that because, uh, Chris Calico has an album called Vitiligo cause he has it. Oh, I felt i this is the part where I was like, I turned to Whitney. feel kind of bad here.
01:25:43
Speaker
Like they should have had a scene of him going to pick up Jamal. Maybe that would have stopped him from joining the gang. He's like, Jamal got kicked off the team at his site, dude. Sorry. Oh, you're not on the team. I'm not buying your ticket. Oh, no. I only have twenty four thousand dollars or whatever. I just won.
01:25:58
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. We don't know. We don't know the we don't know his take back because supposedly he paid everybody off. He bet twelve thousand. And so they were one. They were supposed to lose. So he was going to make money on it like they were. There was like no chance of Chicago winning.
01:26:14
Speaker
And he did pay back the 11,000 he owed. And obviously he had to give Breaking Bad guy his 12,000 because he didn't actually give him money when he made the bet. But he's still walking away with some some cash. i mean, he took these kids to a fucking baseball game.
01:26:26
Speaker
Right. Take fucking Jamal. No, he has the money, too. He's just like, sorry, you're not on the team, bro. I didn't know where to find you. Although the guy's like, we know exactly where he lives. No, no, no.
01:26:39
Speaker
There's no room in the station wagon. I'd leave Tiki. He wasn't even at the funeral. No, he wasn't. Oh, he's in the gang now. Yeah. Don't show up at that funeral. Yeah, don't show up at that funeral. It's partly your fucking gang's responsibility. It's it's all it's all your gang's fault.
01:26:54
Speaker
And the other gang's, but. There is a scene between him and Diane Lane here where he goes back seeing if if the she still has the job offer for him. And like. no This was a it's it's funny, but like Diane Lane with her charm saves it. I think I feel like Keanu Reeves is charming, but I feel like he's just not pulling it off all the way here. None. This is like he's like because she's like, well, we need a like we need a physical activities coordinator. And he's like, wait, you and me because it starts with.
01:27:21
Speaker
I'm still here. I'm here about the job. And she's like, oh, you're not here about a date? Yeah. He's like, we need a physical activities coordinator. Wait, you and me or like the school? And then it's like this whole back and forth. And she's like, are you interested? And he's like, wait.
01:27:36
Speaker
I'm interested in everything I need to be interested in. Yes, whatever I'm supposed be interested in When you ask if there is a position open, I misunderstood. Thought we were talking about doggy.
01:27:49
Speaker
I'm a fan of the turtle. Turtle. Turtle. What? Don't look at me like that. I'm so confused. You have a new nickname. It's called a turtle.
01:27:59
Speaker
Oh, okay. Okay.
01:28:02
Speaker
So, of course, for the big last game of the the regular season before they go to the ship. The ship. They have to play against DB Sweeney's team. Why not? You've already set up the Hawks.
01:28:15
Speaker
I mean, whatever they are. Keebi? Keebi. Keanu Reeves shows up with, like, boxes of gin, and it's like, well, this is obviously... new uniforms but they try to play it off because he gets them from duffy so it's like he's showing up to the game with gin like he's like here kids this will help you when you lose each of you get a bottle of gin look i bought you all new uniforms but fuck jamal he doesn't get to go to the game he doesn't get a uniform and then coach the box is empty yeah poor little jeans in here
01:28:47
Speaker
That's right. I just love that he's just like, yup. Empty. Sure Sucks for Fuck yourself, little kid. Oh, wait. I have a special one for you. it says one.
01:28:59
Speaker
There are cans of gin.
01:29:04
Speaker
um So they they play the game. It gets it to two to two. He brings in Miles to pitch. And Miles, of course, is worried. And it's because not just because without the music, but because the other kids start taunting him and it makes the other parents, the rhythm.
01:29:16
Speaker
It's the parents. It was the kids. This time the parents do it, too. Yeah. But it like fucks up the rhythm in his head because Keanu's like, well, you can hear the song in your head. You've been listening to it on repeat for months. The chant was something like Batty, Batty, the pitcher's name is Sally or something like Batty, Batty, the pitcher's name is Batty. It doesn't make any sense. What does that mean? No, the pitcher's name was Sally. I heard That's not what the subtitle said. But that's what my ears said.
01:29:41
Speaker
Batty, Batty, the pitcher's name is Batty. What does that even mean? He's bad. No, his name is Sally. They're making fun of him. um Either way, you're picking on this little kid. Knock knock it off, parents.
01:29:52
Speaker
You know better. I was waiting for the boombox to come out. Yeah, because Keanu had a boombox. I thought he was just going to start playing Big Papa, but what would get is much more embarrassing for Keanu Reeves. No, Sweeney would have been like, oh, excuse me. It's unlicensed.
01:30:04
Speaker
This game doesn't have the licensing for it. ah We did not renew our BMI license. Butt-munching insurance. That's right. I have it. But of course, Keanu Reeves and ah G start singing Big Papa and then all the other kids and then their fans and they're all doing the waving thing. And it's very sweet.
01:30:28
Speaker
And ah ah Miles strikes out this kid. There's one batter left. Jefferson can't bat because he's having an asthma attack. So they bring in G to play, even though he's not old enough to play. And he's not. on I mean, he's old enough now, but he wasn't old enough at the beginning of right the season. And then bring him up and then cut.
01:30:47
Speaker
This is what I was talking about earlier when I was like, this and the end of this movie feels like it was added just to make it. They're like, we need something to make this sadder. Because it's like, he goes up to bat, fade out to G and Kofi walking up to their fucking house or their apartment building. it's like Getting dropped off. What?
01:31:04
Speaker
but I mean, i obviously I was like, okay, they're going to cut back they're going tell us something, but it's such a dumb... like So maybe at first, before when you're watching the movie, you're like, oh, maybe they're going to tell us the the outcome, but the the the outcome doesn't matter. It's the fact that they got there, the journey, yada yada.
01:31:20
Speaker
No, no. I want to see you cry, motherfucker. Yeah, before they add in this fucking James Gunn torturing a raccoon shit, they... The real movie was the end of Major League, where it's like the kid comes out, he hits it, they win, it fades out. We don't see the final game. We don't see the they don't win the world Series.
01:31:39
Speaker
But they won what is their league, which is what really mattered.
Gang Confrontation and Tragedy
01:31:43
Speaker
And that's the real ending of the movie. Yeah, Major League, they've they lose the next playoff game. Like, that's that movie. It's like, they never thought they were going to win the pennant. They won the pennant, then they get knocked out of the tournament.
01:31:55
Speaker
Done. but So we see Kofi and G going up to their apartment. Jamal's hanging out with the this gang now. ah We don't want to associate them with anybody, so it's just a gang that wears all black.
01:32:07
Speaker
All the gang members in this movie wear all black. Doesn't matter which gang you're in. I guess you just know by... oh that's ah that's that guy. he's That's Jamal. He's with this gang. He's wearing really dark denim. That's Andre. He's with that gang.
01:32:19
Speaker
Get the guys really wearing really dark denim. You are wearing really dark denim. ah I am wearing really dark denim. Pow, pow. Oh, me no. But they can't go in the front door because the guys are going to they're there to kill somebody.
01:32:35
Speaker
And Kofi's like, fuck it, dude. We'll go around the back. So they go around the back. Gang members come running out. Big shootout. And surprise of all surprises, Baby G was shot.
01:32:48
Speaker
And not even like a death scene for this kid. Like Kofi looks down. He's like, hey, gee, we're good now. Gee. And they just pan down and it's just like a hole in the heart. Yep.
01:32:59
Speaker
And he's just like, we'll wait for someone else to come get here. Dude, fucking forced emotion. Whitney, how did you feel here? I did get sad. And Derek, how did you feel here?
01:33:11
Speaker
upset Yeah, ah because it is a sad moment. I mean, it's this is stuff that happens in real life. Yes, this is this is reflective of real things that people go through. But this is done by Mr. Nickelodeon Paramount and Mr. Real Steel to make a bunch of white people feel bad. should have had Hugh Jitman in there.
01:33:31
Speaker
Look at that. He's got a bolt in his hat. It's so unearned. That's what it is. It's unearned. Dude, I think you... ah I didn't catch it the first time, but like this rewatch, I thought the same thing that you just said, it's just tacked on.
01:33:45
Speaker
that They had the game end with... Or the movie end with... Keanu Reeves was a shitty, gambling, junkie addict with no future. Met this team. He helped them. They helped him.
01:33:57
Speaker
Diane Lane got him job. They make love. They... They win the baseball game. Movie over. He's a better person now. Community service makes your heart grow bigger. That would at least be a better movie. It would at least be what I wanted to see, which is a baseball movie with little kids saying, fuck shit, piss, butt, ass, buster.
01:34:15
Speaker
But stuff yeah, it's just and then I mean, Keanu does deliver during the funeral scene. He gives a good speech. This eulogy. This is when I was just like because you're a fucking musical empath, though. And this has all those fucking tones where it's like all those notes. Try not to cry during this.
01:34:37
Speaker
During the speech, we flashback to what happened. They brought jim ah G out and DB Sweeney came out and was like, G's not on the fucking roster. And then he looks over and sees this little. I don't see anybody holding a bat in the middle and trying to swing it. And he's like, never mind. I see him right here on the list.
01:34:52
Speaker
Fuck this kid. You know, it's so funny. I thought about from a baseball point of view, this had this kid has the worst strike zone a pitcher could ever try and hit. Yeah. it There's just, you can't do that.
01:35:04
Speaker
Everything you throw has to be a sinker. It's crazy. Well, the, the umpire doesn't care. He's like, look, the strike zone is right here. You throw it over that kid's head. It's a strike. I don't give a fuck.
01:35:15
Speaker
It's not how it works. Playboy. This guy, this kid would have been walked bases loaded back to the top of the rotation. Well, bases were already low. am No, there was two. No, I think it was... He would have loaded the bases. He makes it to first because he ends up hitting it.
01:35:30
Speaker
He makes it to first. They had a guy second and third. the third gets it. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It doesn't matter. But yeah, they they win. And and i mean, ki it's and it's a little moment in the other movie where Keanu Reeves tells this kid like, dude, look, you I know you're too small for this shit.
01:35:47
Speaker
It doesn't matter if you fucking win. We made it this far. Go out there. Do what you can do. You can swing if you want to. But if you fucking strike out looking, nobody here cares. We're happy to be here.
01:35:58
Speaker
This is the here's the message part of the movie
Bittersweet Game Win and Funeral
01:36:00
Speaker
that should have existed. Yeah. It's here for fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then and they win. They win the big game. It's all over, you know, and that that's that should be the end of the the only ship you need to go to is friendship.
01:36:14
Speaker
There you go. Perfect ending for the fucking real sports. move Can't believe they write that in there. That's stupid. No, that's good. That's fucking that's how that's know my that's some blind side shit. dude Yeah, exactly.
01:36:27
Speaker
I've seen white people. I've seen white savior manipulative movies before. But the kids all, you know, in the in the actual ending to the movie, the kids all decide they do want to play. They want to go to the championship. They don't have enough players because Kofi wasn't there. They only have eight.
01:36:42
Speaker
But Kofi comes out. He's like, no, I'll play for my brother. And then they go on and apparently win the championship. And then there's a scene at the end of them all with trophies, but there's only eight kids. Except Jordan.
01:36:54
Speaker
Well, there's only eight kids in the scene with them with trophies. Yeah. I didn't see that. Yeah, because I double-checked had just been talking about how there were only eight Yeah, there only kids. It's hard to keep track because at least three to four of these kids don't have lines or names.
01:37:07
Speaker
Right. Yeah. So it's hard to keep track of who's playing and who's not. Yeah, you have your main half the team that you know. Yeah. But like when they're celebrating with the trophies, there's only eight kids. Mm-hmm. Kofi didn't want to celebrate. He's like, look, we won. That's great. My brother's dead.
01:37:22
Speaker
Goodbye. gotta go. I don't know. I didn't notice which one was missing. I just, cause it was a quick, it was a quick shot of them with their trophies and Keanu Reeves being like, win. Yay.
01:37:34
Speaker
I helped out a community. This means that I get to get away with crime because I've already invested in community service. Yes. Right. yeah They should probably do that.
01:37:46
Speaker
That's the end of hardball.
01:37:50
Speaker
Derek's recommendation doesn't need to be said. don't think anybody needs to. Right now. Yeah, it's ah it's a pretty. ah We'll say what we got to say. That's how we end the show. All right. The kids were amazing.
01:38:03
Speaker
The kids were the best part of the whole fucking show, the whole movie and Diane Lane. um It felt like the only time that Keanu was there. was when he was going crazy for no fucking reason going crazy. It's like wrong addiction reactions.
01:38:20
Speaker
You really don't have to watch it. You've seen it before. There's better versions of it. Yeah, there's a lot better versions of White Savior Complex. so there's There's a movie here that we don't get cut up that could be much better.
01:38:33
Speaker
It could be exactly what i wanted, which is just a rated R kids movie and not nudity, just straight up nastiness. Like, I want to see these little kids cursing at DB Sweeney. Give me a fucking hour and a half of that.
01:38:47
Speaker
yeah to Cut the funeral, cut the fucking forced. Cut the forced emotion. And there's ah there's a baseball movie here, but it's not in this release. Husband?
01:38:58
Speaker
um Yeah, I don't recommend it. it's Like you said, there's better versions. If you want to watch the white savior kind of thing, there's better versions. If you just want to watch the inspiring sports movie with kids, there's better versions.
01:39:10
Speaker
I mean, you could watch ah you know Mighty Ducks or Bad News Bears. You can watch fucking any sports movie. We want, go watch basketball. It doesn't have kids, but it's a better version. It has a kid.
01:39:22
Speaker
He's eight years old, but he smells like Robert Downey Jr. It's the most amazing thing.
01:39:28
Speaker
That's a good part too. Um, But like you you bring up you brought up again and I wasn't thinking about it this movie being rated R. It's so fucked up that like they could they could dub over the kids saying fuck to make it PG-13.
01:39:42
Speaker
But you can murder a child in gang warfare stays right there PG-13. There was very little blood. Yeah. Let me get a fucking cut of this. Yeah. But yeah, so big nose all around. i mean, again, you know, if you if you like these kind of movies that give you that like emotional tug, it can do it for you.
01:40:01
Speaker
But it just doesn't it doesn't do it right. It doesn't earn it. I don't know who this is for, but if you're in the mood to cry, there you go. Or the mood to try and have someone make you cry, there you go. Yeah. Yeah.
01:40:13
Speaker
So next week is the final week of Shitbird Month. Ooh, is this my pick? Yes, we'll be talking about a movie that Whitney's been trying to get us to talk about for two and a half years since she started doing the podcast with me.
01:40:24
Speaker
ah Blended. It can't be worse than this, right? No, it's not. With Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore and Terry Crews as a singing guide. Maybe Dave Matthews.
01:40:36
Speaker
Maybe Dave Matthews. I doubt it. You got Terry Crews singing. That's also available on Prime, or you can rent it for $4, buy it for $15 digitally. um to Get a free trial of Prime if you want to watch it and you don't already have Prime.
01:40:50
Speaker
Just do it that way. You've never seen it. ah Okay, but you want to spend $15 digitally on any Adam Sandler movie? No, but you can rent it for $4. Wedding Singer? No, none of them, because if you're going to spend that money, get it on physical.
01:41:01
Speaker
Yeah, fair. And then we have our Patreon at patreon.com slash worst people, where we have two tiers at the $3 tier. You get ah monthly newsletter. You get ah episodes of Han took shots first early and ad free.
01:41:16
Speaker
And you get our monthly mental health episode. And this month for shit bird month, we are talking about Steven Spielberg's death fucking poster. That's that guy that we just found out has Alzheimer's and he can't work anymore, but he's done all the Star Wars posters. He's done.
01:41:35
Speaker
artist of the poster. are yeah yeah yeah yeah he does He's done so many posters. and when you go him and i thought they were Some of them I thought were photographs. When you look up his body of work, absolutely, by the way. like those are looks like a touched up photograph. Dude, he's handpaed he was hand painting all this shit.
01:41:50
Speaker
Just amazing. Yeah, I mean, you can see that this is painted if you know that. But i mean, if you look... Julia Roberts looks really fucking weird. It could just be like a Yeah, you have like a stylization on top of a photograph almost.
01:42:03
Speaker
It looks great. I think Robin Williams makes it the most obvious to me that it's painted. Yeah, his eyes. No, Julia Roberts. Well, she's so tiny. She's in the background. It looked fucking weird. She's also tiny in that movie.
01:42:14
Speaker
It's true. And then when at the $5 tier, you get all of these episodes ad free, which means you could be listening to this right now without ads for $5 month. So that's that's at least four episodes a month right there. Yeah. Ad-free.
01:42:29
Speaker
But also you get access to Latchkey Vids, which is our side show where we talk about forgotten or never known television shows from the 90s. We are still currently talking about Cop Rock. And this month we have episode eight, Pots Don't Fail Me Now.
01:42:43
Speaker
Look at that. And that that font looks really dumb and stupid. I found that from an actual promo from like whatever station it played on. It still had like the something Channel 12 at the bottom of it. So that was how they were trying to get people to watch this show was those letters. That's the wrong way to get people to watch, man. Well, because it's like rock.
01:43:06
Speaker
Cop rock. But yes, we will be talking about that this month.
01:43:12
Speaker
And over on Hot and Took Shots first, we're also kind of participating in Shitbird Month because we're talking about the Mandalorian. The 50-year-old shitbird. Still a shitbird. Can't talk. Still a shitbird. Yeah. Thank you.
01:43:24
Speaker
Can't contribute to the household. Look at him right there. Right there. And those Han Took Shots first episodes are also now available on the Bad Movies Worst People main feed.
01:43:35
Speaker
So if you follow Han Took Shots first, well, I guess if you follow us, you're already listening to us. if you What's happening now is happening now. But all of those all of those will only be available on this feed very soon.
01:43:49
Speaker
And then last thing, check out our merch shop at shop.badmoviesworstpeople.com. We get a bunch of merch there. um It's not really for making money. It's just for promoting a podcast that you love, which is Bad Movies Worst People or Han Took Shots First.
01:44:04
Speaker
So go check that out. Am I wearing one? No, I'm not right now. Neither am I. I just looked. I'm wearing a mushroom with a knife. And of course, we have to thank Evasion for our opening and closing music.
01:44:15
Speaker
I've been Derek. I'm married to him, guys. I'm Jack. Ha ha ha ha ha. ah ha
01:44:49
Speaker
I practiced it like four times while I was cooking breakfast too. It's not enough, motherfucker. You made breakfast? I made two eggs.