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The Unseen Nuances of Adoption
26 Plays5 months ago
Ever wondered about the complexities of adoption? It's not just black and white! Join us as we delve deep into the redemption and beauty interwoven with loss and struggle, sharing powerful parallels to the Gospel and how they shape identity and family.
For more resources go to: www.whoseami.org
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Transcript
Introduction and Theme Setup
00:00:02
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
Meet the Hosts and Setting
00:00:26
Speaker
Hi again, here are both of us, um Jackie Darby, this is her home, her dining room, and I'm Aixa de Lopez. We are gathered here in Guatemala City to have another conversation. We are chatting off-camera all the time And we decided to sit in front of a camera to share our conversations with you guys.
Embracing Truth in Adoption
00:00:49
Speaker
And so we're so happy to continue the conversation around truth telling in adoption. And this is a topic that we will be visiting quite often because we think it's a core um value that adoptive families must embrace.
00:01:07
Speaker
Yes, and our conversations are so wrapped around adoption, because adoption is near and dear to our hearts. You are an adoptive mom, yes I'm an adult adoptee, and we have such a heart and passion.
00:01:26
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for adoptive families, for parents and for kids, whether no matter how old you are, whether you're young, you have young children or whether you're adult adoptees. And so our heart, our passion is that
00:01:44
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God wants all of us to use the stories that He's given us for Him. And how can we do that, Aixa if we don't talk the truth yeah about our
Overview of 'Whose Am I' Book
00:01:57
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stories? And so we're just in our times together, yeah through these real-life conversations, just conversing about our stories. We're not professionals, we don't claim to be professionals, but we are two sisters in Christ who, have a love for the Lord and a love for each other and a passion to use our stories for his purposes. And so with that, um our conversations are really based around our book, Whose Am I, yeah that God just gave us an amazing opportunity um to co-author a book
Common Adoption Questions in Latin America
00:02:34
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together. yeah And it's a tool in the hands of any parent or adult to be able able to have conversations that are sometimes difficult.
00:02:43
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um A lot of times we are asked the same questions. um When should I talk to my child? What age? How much should I tell? um It's a very hard story. And so we don't know if if we should tell it all. And then therefore, especially in Latin America, we hear so many stories yes where they don't tell the story at all.
00:03:09
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um and And some to the point, they lie yeah about their story and and tell them they're not even adopted, that they're their're biological children.
Importance of Open Conversations
00:03:20
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But many of us know that's not the truth. And so we want to have these conversations um about the subject of adoption and about just having honest, real conversations with the child and to see the family, the whole family walk in freedom and healing. Yeah. Every story is different. And we need to, you know, mention that often too. ah we It's not a one size fits all. It's not like, um you know, cookie cutter approach to anything. That is unwise actually. That's very unwise and very unloving to just go at it in
Hosts' Non-professional yet Passionate Perspective
00:04:05
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a way that um
00:04:06
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puts everyone in a category i know that you know ah my kids are now all teenagers and i'm in the thick of it thank you for always you know telling people that we are not professionals we're not and we're not even professional i'm not professional adoptive mom at all I'm in the thick of it. I cry often. i I call you often. And you know, I try to process my kid's story and we're ongoing struggles, you know, um and you are, your parents are in heaven now.
00:04:40
Speaker
Yes. And still, you know, we're grappling with a lot of stuff all the time. And so, um you know, just thinking about how every person is just so different, every walk is different, every adoption story is different, even when within the same
Personal Reflections on Biological Family
00:04:55
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family. Exactly. And so you were just talking before that you, you said for a very long time that you didn't even want to know about, you know, your biological family or your mom.
00:05:08
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And you said stuff that's very interesting to me, and I would like to dive into that. Well, yes. First of all, I just want to mention, as a parent, my children are biological kids. But the first eight years, we had 17 orphan and abandoned teenagers. So every child is different. And like you said, ah because every child is different and every family is different, every parent is different,
00:05:36
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um We are by no means saying that just because ah this is what we're talking about, this is the way. And we're just trying to open the conversation to every story. But with my family, I clearly was not their biological child. I was raised in a very um North American family.
00:05:56
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and raised in an area where there were all North American children in school. And so I always struggled with looking different.
Pain and Rejection in Abandonment Stories
00:06:05
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But my parents did tell me the truth of my story. And my mom would ask me, not often, but she did ask me, I remember at times if I'd ever want to find my mom or know her. She did? She did.
00:06:26
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And I always said very quickly, no no, no. Did you feel like an obligation to make your mom feel like she, like you didn't need your first mom? Like you wanted to protect her in some way?
00:06:45
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I did not necessarily feel like I had to protect her, but I didn't ever want to hurt their feelings or come across like I wasn't great grateful. ah And so if I brought up something which i didn't most of the time i wanted to ignore the conversation did you avoid it i avoided it at any cost because it was a painful subject for me i didn't want to acknowledge that i had another family because my family
00:07:22
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My situation represented deep rejection to the point I was abandoned in a garbage dump. I don't know of a of a worse place that you can abandon a newborn baby.
00:07:37
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And so I didn't want my mind to even go there. yeah So I didn't want to talk about it because I had issues against whoever
Parental Guidance and Children's Reluctance
00:07:49
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abandoned me. I always blamed it on my mom. yeah sure I always blamed it on my mom that she threw me away.
00:07:55
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And now that I'm a mom and I understand childbirth, I know she didn't immediately get up and go to a garbage dump. But for whatever reason, I always blamed my mom. sure And so when my mom talked to me, yeah my adoptive mom talked to me. I didn't want to talk to her. I really did. I shut down. Yeah. And I want to just annotate something as an adoptive mom.
00:08:20
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You know, take note that even when you ask lovingly, even when you you you pick the topic, even when you're forward and you're leading your child into a conversation and they say, no, that doesn't mean I'm okay. That doesn't mean, oh, so I'm doing so well, I don't need to go there.
00:08:43
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it probably is the exact opposite. And so as a mom, I hear you and I think, how many times have I just brushed off certain little moments or conversations? But in all honesty, they probably just ah shut down because it's too painful. So I would encourage moms to just consider praying.
00:09:10
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praying so much that the Lord work in the deepest ways, because your child is not being like that intentionally. You didn't understand what was going on. And you just, you know, on the surface, it's like, oh, I'm fine. I have family. I don't need to know. And for many adoptees, that might be just the truth. That's just that. But in your case, it meant going into a very deep hurt in your story.
00:09:36
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Yes, and I wasn't willing at the time to go there. he And I'm not so sure my mom could have handled my pain. But like you said, pray because God can handle our pain. yeah he He knows those deepest areas of our heart that represent the most painful times. And we're not saying that every adoptive child has deep, deep pain or trauma, but as we're also talking, that it's just not
Complex Emotions and Redemptive Power
00:10:13
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natural. It was not part of God's plan. Separation.
00:10:18
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that the mother has a pregnancy and gives their child up. yes Now God can redeem our stories as He has mine, as He has your daughters, kids but it wasn't His initial plan. His initial plan is that you have your baby and your baby stays with you.
00:10:36
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But for whatever reason, and we're not judging those who've had to give their children up for adoption or whose children have gone into foster care, there's no judgment whatsoever, but we're recognizing that it wasn't God's initial plan. But it happened for many, many reasons. There's many stories that represent many reasons why the child was adopted.
00:11:03
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Absolutely. But what we're we are talking about is acknowledging. Yes. Acknowledging that part of the story. And like in my case, I didn't want to acknowledge the pain.
00:11:17
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Even though my mom asked me if I'd ever like to meet my birth mom, but I said no immediately. But that doesn't mean... You didn't think about it. I didn't think about it or that there wasn't pain. I just wasn't willing, was not willing to talk about it. And I just want to encourage parents, you know, good for you that you open the door.
00:11:41
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that's very brave of you that you open the door and you're giving your child that opportunity to communicate but if clearly they don't want to talk about it or they're not ready to talk about it like you said pray because in due season at the right time, I believe God will allow you to have that conversation again, or the child will give you some sort of hint that they're ready to talk about it. yeah And so the key is to pray and ask God to show you when when the right time is, but always to keep that door open.
00:12:19
Speaker
Absolutely. And also, you know, we as humans want to oversimplify very complicated situations and, in you know, scenarios. And so we tend to think in black and white and if there's sadness, they cannot be any happiness or vice versa. But adoption is, is if it's never black and white, it's never all happiness and right all terrible There is redemption.
Balancing Painful Realities with Gratitude
00:12:49
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There's beauty, like in the cross, like the gospel. It's beautiful. It's redemptive. It's and it's including us that we were enemies and foreigners and made into children of God. But there had to be blood. There had to be death. There had to be a cross. And so when you think about your children ah coming to your family through adoption, it's because they suffered a great loss.
00:13:15
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even if it's the best circumstances, even if it's with the safest you know um alternative, because we acknowledge that some parents are not fit to parent their kids, so there needs to be a separation.
00:13:30
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um But the fact that you allow for lament, and we're going to go into that in different episodes, that you acknowledge that loss is actually honoring God's design.
00:13:45
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We cannot contradict each, you know, we are very, um, we're funny sometimes when we talk about adoption being this beautiful, redemptive truth. And then we, when we don't have a space for saying the painful area this this is painful. This is not right. A newborn being separated from, from their mom is, is sad. When you go into that,
00:14:09
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you actually are saying at the same time, you know, God's design is good. So if you don't lament over that, what are you saying? So I think it's a very important part of processing this as families and telling your children, you know what, you are right to have all these emotions, the the the you know the confusion, the sadness, the anger even.
00:14:34
Speaker
um It's all right because honestly, and I've had that conversation with one of my kids, I said at one point, when you what if the Lord allows for you to get married and have your babies, I'll teach you what I know so you can be a good mom.
00:14:50
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You'll be a great mom. You're going to keep your baby. You're going to nurture the baby. I'm going to teach you to feed it and to, you know, clean it and whatever. And, you know, her eyes just open because that's actually the plan. and Exactly. And God wants to use our stories, our pain.
00:15:10
Speaker
to be different exactly for redemption. So we I'm a mom now. I was an abandoned baby, but I'm a mom. And I've learned from my story and the mom that God gave me, my adoptive mom, yeah how to be a mom.
Trusting Christ for Healing
00:15:28
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And, you know, we're both moms sitting at this table, even though I represent adoptive children. But it is challenging. We acknowledge that it's challenging. It's not easy. There are wonderful days, but there are some really difficult days.
00:15:45
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yep and our kids are different. and it And it's really tricky to know how to walk through life with them and to help them and to be a blessing. And there's no perfect parent, mother or father, but we're encouraging you to reach out to Christ because He will help us along. He'll give us the strength that we need and to have to be able to have these conversations because, again, we believe that the truth is so vitally important in our adoption stories and that as we walk through um these times and being able to talk about
00:16:29
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the good things and the painful things. Yes. There's there's both sides. There's all different size of it sides of adoption stories, but our heart and passion is to walk with you through that and to encourage you and give you hope. Amen. Keep checking the website for updates, for events, for more episodes. We are hoping and praying that we are serving you and that there is a place for redemption and healing to happen and the Lord is working everything for His glory. So we love you and we hope you had a great day with just um Pause it and Think. Thanks for joining us for this episode of Pause and Think. For more resources and information, go to WhoseAmI.org.