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Being vs Doing: Why Men Need Affirmation for Who They Are
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In this episode of The Men’s Collective Podcast, we unpack the difference between being vs. doing—and why most men are praised for achievement, performance, and success instead of who they truly are. Travis explores how this performance-based identity can lead to shame, loneliness, and disconnection, and shares research (including Brene Brown) plus real coaching insights to show why affirming character and core values builds stronger confidence and connection.
What You’ll Learn:
- Being vs. Doing: Why most men are praised for achievements instead of character
- Performance-Based Identity: How tying self-worth to success leads to shame, loneliness, and burnout
- Masculinity & Mental Health: Research on traditional masculinity norms and their impact on connection
- Affirmations That Matter: Why affirming compassion, resilience, and courage builds lasting confidence
- Practical Challenge: Write & share three affirmations about who you are—and three for people you love
- Real-Life Stories & Research: Insights from Brene Brown, Therese Norden, and coaching work with men
Challenge for the Week: Write three affirmations you’d love someone to say about your character—and share three affirmations with people close to you. Notice how it shifts your connection.
🎧 Listen now on Spotify, Apple, & YouTube or visit menscollective.co to go deeper.
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Web: TravisGoodmanLMFT.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Personal Reflection
00:00:00
Speaker
Being versus doing. So the other day, a buddy of mine, Sam, he sent me a voice message. um We're kind of in that state of voice message. I'm too old to be typing on on my phone and text messaging. So it's much easier to do an audio message.
00:00:15
Speaker
um But he sent me an audio message the other day and he shared with me, he's like, you are such a caring, compassionate, intentional man.
00:00:26
Speaker
And I really appreciate you sharing that with me and checking in on me. I feel very cared for. I feel very thought of and loved by you. And that hit me really, really deep because often what I tend to find as men, we tend to get more affirmations and praise for what we do versus who we are.
00:00:47
Speaker
In that moment, I was noticed for who I am, my values as a person, versus that I crushed it at work or got that next promotion or got that A. It was about who I embodied at a soul level. And I want you to think, when you have received praise, when you have received affirmation, what has it been primarily for?
Cultural Identity and Achievements
00:01:12
Speaker
Has it been...
00:01:13
Speaker
what you do or has it been for who you are i want to welcome you to this week's episode of the men's collective podcast i'm your host my name is travis goodman and we are going to unpack a bit about kind of the culture we live in typically as men and how we primarily have been praised around our performance what we do what we achieve and how our identity can get wrapped up in that, and how it's kind of a bit of a pitfall, along with more of the antidote.
00:01:43
Speaker
And that is about understanding about who we are who we embody, what our values are, how we show up in this world. And so I shared that story early on, and this is something that I've begun to do more frequently with my close friends, with my partner, my wife, with my kids, and getting in the habit of noticing who we are, articulating that, not just for what we do, but what we embody.
00:02:10
Speaker
And to put this in some perspective, as you're thinking about this, again, think of the last time you were praised. Think about the last time someone affirmed you. What has it been for?
Research Insights on Masculinity Norms
00:02:18
Speaker
Again, has it been for what you've done or who you are?
00:02:22
Speaker
And there's this kind of problem that we, generally speaking, we see in the West, where um So I can't really speak for you know other nations, other cultures, but typically what I've experienced quite anecdotally and what what I've read in research is that primarily men are praised for what they do.
00:02:39
Speaker
And there's this research article back then in 2024 by Therese Norton, and there's a quote that traditional masculinity norms that emphasizes independence, emotional stoicism, and pain endurance can increase vulnerability to loneliness and insufficient social connections.
00:02:58
Speaker
And so I share that because there's been a lot of research on this topic.
Identity Crisis Stories
00:03:02
Speaker
And again, men have been typically tied to what they achieve for their performance, for their financial ah gain, for the car they drive, for that promotion, for maybe their are physical features in the gym.
00:03:18
Speaker
ah for you know If they're doing like a sports, I remember growing up in sports, it's often, hey, great job. You got that catch. You won the game. Now, quick caveat is nothing inherently evil or wrong with acknowledging maybe achievement or acknowledging um you know, a b ah promotion or a car or that you want a a football match.
00:03:41
Speaker
But when our identity is primarily wrapped around achievement, around success, around titles, well then that becomes and often becomes this state of being where our identity is thin, that our identity can be shaken and rocked when we don't get that promotion, when we maybe lose some money or we don't win the match, that we can become crushed and have this identity crisis, if you will, of who am I really?
00:04:12
Speaker
And I've worked with clients before and in coaching and in therapy where um I'm thinking of a particular client where football was his life. That was everything. His identity was wrapped up in who he was as a football player.
00:04:25
Speaker
He then got injured and all of a sudden he couldn't play anymore. In fact, he was arguably one of the better um members of the team. He was the quarterback. He was kind of the, you know, highlighted as the guy that was going to go on to college.
00:04:42
Speaker
and he suffered an injury again, and it crushed him. He struggled with his identity and friends he thought he had left because he was no longer achieving. And so this is not just a ah crisis of his own personal and identity, but also a communal identity and how how we see others.
Consequences of Achievement Focus
00:04:58
Speaker
And so when we tend to focus or this over-focus on what we do, it leads often to this loneliness, this state of disconnection from not only our inner life, but how we relate to other people.
00:05:11
Speaker
And there's this kind of psychological impact, again, of affirming our identity, um and that it's not just, again, what we do, but who we are.
00:05:23
Speaker
And so there's a self-affirmation theory, too, in another research article done by Sherman and Cohen in 2021 that shows that affirmations about core values can reduce defensiveness and and increase openness to growth.
00:05:35
Speaker
So this is why affirmations matter. Affirmations on who we are, our being matters, and why it's more significant to affirm, again, who we are versus what we do. This also reminds me of Brené Brown's book, if you haven't read it, Daring Greatly.
00:05:50
Speaker
And she talks about, she's got these two chapters dedicated, one for traditionally those identify as male and those identify as female. And her research showed a stark difference. And what her research shown was that those identify as female often can have their identity wrapped up in how they look, their body, body image, and are they acceptable, and how they get their value and worth.
00:06:13
Speaker
Now, again, i'm not going to go into all the possible reasons why that's not a great thing. Read her book. um But just to show a point, and often men, she contrasted those that identify as male and men,
00:06:25
Speaker
often wrap up their identity in achievement, success, financial gain, et cetera. Those are often problematic because those things can be lost. Those things are paper thin. and those things often lead to ah a kind of a black hole, if you will, of having to constantly reinvent and prove and show value and worth.
00:06:43
Speaker
And in the end, how that tends to lead to shame. And that was her book. The whole book essentially was about shame. Again, have you read the book? Daring Greatly. I'll put a link in the bio. You could Google it, Amazon it. Great book, great read, all research-based.
00:06:56
Speaker
um And she talks about this. And you know part of her book and kind of what I'm talking about here is we need to go something much deeper, not, again, what we do, but who we are.
00:07:08
Speaker
Going back to that research article by Sherman and Cohen, again i'll link it in the in the in the comments or i'll link it in the description, that affirmations of our core values can reduce defensiveness and increase openness to growth.
Encouraging Personal Values
00:07:19
Speaker
And this is about the idea shifting from, you know, if you think about you know if you're working really hard, ah you know let's say you're you know working really hard to get a promotion or working really hard on a project or you're working really hard to like you know push yourself in the gym or something to that effect is we're acknowledging the personhood, like you are courageous versus like, hey, you crushed it or you got that promotion. It's acknowledging the effort. You probably heard this with children, like acknowledging the effort, not just if they got that A or not.
00:07:52
Speaker
And we're going much deeper. Again, it's not that we don't acknowledge the It's not that we don't acknowledge that, hey, we're victorious or that you you completed that thing you put your mind to, but it's it's beyond that. It's kind of including that, but much deeper.
00:08:05
Speaker
In the men's collective, we had this practice this last, you know, recently where we wanted to practice sharing affirmations for who we are, getting in that habit, getting in the awareness of acknowledging those traits in other men and in ourselves.
00:08:21
Speaker
And for a lot of us, it proves to be difficult at first. Sometimes it can feel awkward, it might even feel like, i don't know what to do here. We might even start with identifying kind of a state of being or character traits outside of achievement, especially if we grew up in a home or an environment that that's how primarily we were noticed.
00:08:41
Speaker
And so in the collective itself, in our group coaching, we we we work on expanding that, going much deeper, kind of expanding the connection to ah who we embody, again, not just what we do.
Affirmation Practices
00:08:54
Speaker
So my invitation to you today, this week, is to write down three affirmations that you might wish or want that someone would say about your character.
00:09:05
Speaker
I also would encourage you to write down three affirmations of people in your life, of who they are, and share that with them. Share this affirmation with your partner, your kids, your friend, a family member, and just begin to notice how they how they glow. So instead of saying, hey,
00:09:20
Speaker
you know, great job on getting that A with your kids, say, you know what? I noticed how dedicated you were the other day, Timmy. I noticed you worked so hard and put time and effort in that.
00:09:34
Speaker
I saw you get frustrated and then you kept putting in the effort and time. I saw that in you, that you are, you're so determined and it paid off.
00:09:44
Speaker
Also, we can also acknowledge that in someone when something doesn't pay off. We could also acknowledge that, man, I saw you really hard, ah work really hard. I saw you put in that effort. I saw you studying late hours. I saw you you know were determined. And I know that you looks like you didn't get the grade you wanted or the result, but I want you to know that I saw that in you.
00:10:03
Speaker
We can also do this with our spouses, for example, sharing this with, you know, with our wives, with our partners. For example, you know, i can go to my wife and I can acknowledge that, you know, I felt so loved and appreciated by you, right?
00:10:20
Speaker
When you put that thoughtful note in my bag, sharing you know how much you appreciated my time and help with the kids and how you felt cared for. Like I just affirming her or affirming her in a way that's saying something to the effect of, I love how patient you are with our kids. I love how how loving you are.
00:10:42
Speaker
um i love to see how you navigated that difficult time you know ah for that bedtime routine with our kids. I used to remain calm and you were this grounded presence and And I thank you for that. So we're we're again, we're looking at what they embody, their character traits.
00:11:00
Speaker
And so we want to begin to do more of this. And what I've noticed too and in my own life, in my personal life, as well as in the men's collective, in my coaching practice, in my therapeutic practice, along with my friends, is that you feel more connected.
00:11:12
Speaker
It really does invite us into a more close connection. It does build resiliency. It builds a sense of confidence, a sense of authenticity, a sense of kind of like a grounded resolve, if you will, especially when things don't go the way we plan, that we can lean back on again, our our kind of our core identity, like I'm courageous or I'm patient or I am generous, right, that I am determined, that withstands, I believe, the storms of life, the chaos, the things that don't go the way we planned them. Because often a lot of life has that stuff happening. It does not go the way we planned.
00:11:53
Speaker
And we want to remain resilient in those moments. And so my encouragement to you this week is to write those affirmations down, things you know about yourself and things you want to share with others.
00:12:06
Speaker
And I want you to know that you are more. You are more than what you do, far more than what you do. And when you see that in others as well, I want you to give them permission to believe it too. Like I want you to share that with others. And imagine the impact that might have in your family life and your friendship life when we begin to affirm each other for who we are more frequently, not just once in a blue moon, but on a regular ah regular basis.
Parenting and Resilience
00:12:32
Speaker
And I heard this said once by a parent, as so i call it like a a child psychologist and researcher, and she said, like, you cannot spoil a child with, like, love and affection and affirmations.
00:12:46
Speaker
That's not how you spoil them. If anything, we build up their resiliency, their authenticity. And when we do that, we're often affirming who they are, the character traits that they embody, not for what they do.
00:12:59
Speaker
And if you're interested in learning more about the Men's Collective, if you want to work with me, ah you go to menscollective.co. You can also go to travisgoodmanlmft.com. And you can join the mailing list, ah shoot me a message, find us on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple.
00:13:16
Speaker
And again, I encourage you to share some affirmations with those that you care for and you love.
Conclusion and Resources
00:13:21
Speaker
Until next time, have a great day.