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The Provider Trap: Why Your Workouts Aren’t Working with Marcus Filly
42 Plays4 hours ago
Are you “hitting the gym for mental release”… but still feel stuck, stressed, and disconnected at home? In this episode, Travis Goodman and Marcus Filly (Functional Bodybuilding) break down purpose-driven training—how to stop using workouts as an escape and start building real strength, confidence, energy, and presence that carry into fatherhood, marriage, and leadership.
We dig into:
- The provider trap: why high-achieving men sacrifice health, then run on fumes
- Functional Bodybuilding and training with intention (not box-checking)
- How to turn fitness into a portal for purpose, not avoidance
- From dad bod to durable confidence—without dropping balls at work or home
- The power of male community & accountability (and why going solo fails)
- Practical fixes: effort, focus, recovery, and habit design that actually stick
If you’re a man, dad, or leader who “has it together” on paper but feels adrift or depleted, this conversation is your blueprint to train smarter, live fuller, and show up stronger—for yourself and the people who matter.
🎙️ Guest: Marcus Filly — Founder of Functional Bodybuilding
📲 Programs & coaching: search “Functional Bodybuilding Marcus Filly”
👥 Men’s work & cohorts: menscollective.co
🎧 Listen now on Spotify, Apple, & YouTube or visit menscollective.co to go deeper.
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Instagram: @travis.goodman.lmft
Web: TravisGoodmanLMFT.com
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Transcript
Introduction: Gym as Mental Release
00:00:00
Speaker
I just hit the gym because it's like a my mental release. And honestly, that is a red flag that what you're doing in the gym is not purposeful. It is not moving you towards being a better man.
00:00:12
Speaker
It is simply just an escape from the thing that's causing you pain somewhere else.
Meet Pierre and Marcus: From Fitness Coach to Influencer
00:00:19
Speaker
everybody welcome back to this week's episode of the men's collective podcast i'm here with my co-host pierre and um a friend of mine that i've met just about over a year ago uh marcus marcus philly and i'm excited that he's back on the show and ah to have a dialogue again um if you don't know who marcus is marcus what's like the elevator pitch like who's marcus Uh, yeah, but I think fitness coach turned influential, uh, social media fitness coach that, you know, built the functional bodybuilding brand.
00:00:50
Speaker
And, uh, his it Instagram, by the way, will be in the description below in his website. So if you want to click on more, ah find out who Marcus is. And and I had the pleasure of him speaking with him again a year ago. And, um, we really hit it off. I think I'm just talking specifically more about yeah at that time, you know, just dealing with anxiety and mental health and navigating that as a as ah as a functional bodybuilder who also was in the CrossFit Games, who was also, i think, pre-med at one point.
00:01:18
Speaker
um His story, if I remember, and took a character arc shift and and was really incorporating a lot of his own, you know, Marcus, as i recall, some of your own experiences personal growth and putting it into like your training programs and which kind of brings us into the conversation today that the fitness functional program we're doing now like your functional body building right fbb and the stuff you're seeing with the men you're working with what are some of those themes and things you're seeing that men are talking about while they're in your like functional bodybuilding course but what are some of the other things that
00:01:54
Speaker
is kind of lighting you up right now that's exciting you that you're hearing being talked about, spoken about, asking questions around with the men.
Middle-Aged Men's Struggle: Balancing Career, Family, and Health
00:02:02
Speaker
Sure, yeah. Well, I imagine you you encounter this a lot um in your work.
00:02:09
Speaker
But the theme of um a middle-aged or perhaps in their man who has man who has either is in the upward trajectory of their career or has established themselves in their career, started a family, have kids that are either, i don't know, generally on the younger side,
00:02:34
Speaker
It's this culmination of probably seven to 10 years of taking their younger life and then discovering that like they want to build something through career, through providing, put their energy towards that, set themselves up to have a family, have a family, start having children.
00:02:56
Speaker
maybe they're with a partner, maybe they're solo parenting. The end of that journey, or you know it's the beginning of a journey, but it's how they arrived at that space is I pointed lots of my energy towards career and family.
00:03:11
Speaker
And along the way, I lost a part of me and it oftentimes shows up as physical like their physical fitness deterioration, overweight, some type of pain, maybe some type of a like addictive behavior around alcohol or recreational drugs or food, generally getting pretty sedentary, and having some wake-up call at some point being like,
00:03:45
Speaker
damn, I'm not, I'm not myself anymore. And oftentimes the first it's like connection point to that is just looking in the mirror and being like, I've got a dad bod or I've got, you know, I'm not,
Wake-Up Calls: Discovering Life Issues through Fitness
00:03:57
Speaker
I'm not fit. I don't feel fit.
00:03:59
Speaker
And whether that makes them lose confidence in themselves, in their intimate relationships, it makes them just feel like they recognize that they're just unwell and they,
00:04:12
Speaker
aren't moving very good. And they kind of get this glimpse of like, Oh, I want to actually, i want to be showing up for my kids in 10 years or the next five to 10 years where I can be active with them. Maybe they start coaching their first, you know, kids soccer practice team or something like that, whatever the precipitating event that gets them to be like, damn, I'm not where I want to be.
00:04:36
Speaker
and And for many of them, they haven't completely ignored their fitness. They still have some routine, you know, but the routine is just checking a box. It's not really purposeful. It's not intentional.
00:04:48
Speaker
They eat clean and I'm putting up air quotes if someone's just listening, but it's like, oh, I eat clean. You know, they shop at Whole Foods or their partner shops at Whole Foods and buys the expensive organic stuff. But like their diet is really all over the place.
00:05:04
Speaker
um They're drinking three or four nights a week, you know, just one or two drinks every night. because they're just stressed and that's how they unwind and they don't have another outlet to unwind.
00:05:16
Speaker
And so they come to me with like, or they basically hear a message from me on social media. They see something that resonates with them and we best case scenario, get into a coaching relationship with them and we focus on fitness first.
00:05:33
Speaker
And in the act of like, reclaiming their physical health through a very supported yet focused and challenging you know process of changing behaviors, we start to un we start to peel back layers and like, oh, like your marriage is really suffering right now.
00:05:55
Speaker
Oh, like you hate your career. Oh, you You've lost your identity. You used to be this college athlete, and now you don't even know what you're pointing your yourself towards, you know, what constitute victory.
00:06:10
Speaker
The essence of why I even started in the fitness industry in the first place and why fitness has been a big central point part of my life. And of course, it's changed its meaning to me throughout the decades of doing fitness in a very thoughtful and intentional way. But It's like fitness is this kind of portal to uncovering what's really going on in life.
Fitness as a Tool: Connecting Physical and Emotional Challenges
00:06:35
Speaker
If you have, if there's a barrier to you achieving ah sustainable practice of nourishing yourself well, of moving your body, of building strength, it shows up in how you try and achieve physical, physical goals with your fitness and And if we can get at that as like, what is that thing that's in the way?
00:06:56
Speaker
It's probably the thing that's in the way of your relationships, of your fulfillment at work, of your connection to your kids, of many things. And it's just been, you know, for the past year, as I've kind of relaunched the personal coaching business.
00:07:14
Speaker
And i I imagine this is happening for people that just follow my programs, you know, but when I get to interact with people with a, you know more personal contact. This has been so it's it's so interesting. It's like, oh, this is so universal amongst this group. Like, you know, the guys that come in that that seem like they have everything together. They're like, let's level up. Let's do it. I want to push myself. I want to.
00:07:35
Speaker
It's like, OK, like, what are you actually running away from right now? Because there's something else that you're not doing. Oh, you're drinking, you know, five ghost energy drinks a day. You're having a thousand milligrams of caffeine and you have your last one at 6 And you're just wired and tired and you're just kind of functioning suboptimally in everything you do. That's so interesting. Let's peel that back. Why is that? What are you what are you running away from?
00:07:59
Speaker
um So, yeah, I kind of threw a lot at you, but that's really what's lighting me up these days and what's top of mind. Pierre, thoughts on that? I mean, I have so many thoughts exactly what Marcus is saying because i'm like, yeah, that's pretty much what we're doing over here in our and our program.
00:08:17
Speaker
Sure. Is this sense of feeling disconnected and adrift? But Pierre, I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. Well, what do you think, Mark, is the block or blocks that you've noticed most in men have been when they get started?
00:08:34
Speaker
Yeah, um it's probably just like this. I'm a provider and that's my role. So I have to go out and provide for people, my family, my kids.
00:08:49
Speaker
um I got to take care of other people, which they believe is a trade off. It's like, OK, I either take care of myself or I take care of other people. It's one or the other. And they choose to take care of others.
00:09:02
Speaker
And in the process, they self-sabotage their own physical and mental and emotional wellness. And then at one point, they just were like, well, I'm not even.
00:09:14
Speaker
but Maybe they get there, maybe they don't, but it's eventually they're going to get to the point where they're like, oh, I'm not even able to like support and provide for other people because I'm so broken. And then they have to start this process of rebuilding themselves.
Self-Care vs. Providing: The Unsustainable Cycle
00:09:24
Speaker
And that is like a very deep seated conflict where it's like one of my clients, sent me a message and this was like very to the point here. It's like, I just read this quote. and I just can't get it out of my head. And it was, ah paraphrase it because i don't remember exactly, but it was something like, why do you continually make the choice that doesn't honor your your own physical health?
00:09:49
Speaker
over and over and over again. And that led to a conversation. I said, well, you know, Corey, does that, do you look at it as like, you're not as important as the people around you? Is it, you feel like you're not like taking care of yourself is selfish, you know? And I went a little further and I said something like, hey, you know, if you don't if you don't show up for yourself, if you don't make those choices day to day for yourself, then you're not going to be able to give a hundred percent to other people.
00:10:19
Speaker
And he really ah either got triggered by that or he just was pushing back. He's like, no, no, no, trust me. I give him a hundred percent of myself to everybody. I'm doing this, I'm doing that, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. I'm like, Corey, I hear you.
00:10:32
Speaker
I know that is what you believe you're doing. But think of it this way. Your cup is only half full right now. And that means you're given 100% of 50% every day.
00:10:47
Speaker
And I think that was just like this light bulb moment for him where he's like, whoa, I never really thought of it that way. I never thought that like, I'm depleted. I'm 40 pounds overweight.
00:10:58
Speaker
I'm on a plane 15 days a month. I'm grinding myself and I'm, but I, and I'm coaching the soccer team and I'm coaching this team and I'm, I'm doing the, you know, the dad's overnights and I'm doing these camping trips for the kids and I'm X, Y, z But at the same time, it's like,
00:11:19
Speaker
You miss your workouts 50% of the time. You don't eat well. You don't plan well. You're eating ah terrible food.
00:11:30
Speaker
You're not sleeping. So how much of you is really there to really give 100%?
00:11:39
Speaker
Yeah, it feels like this mix of identity, maybe in seeing ah big emphasis on or the importance of protecting or taking care of others and maybe valuing that role much more strongly than valuing elements of ourselves.
00:12:01
Speaker
And yeah, I mean, we see this a lot for certain in men with whom we work and, you know, even at various stages, I can speak for myself in my own life personally.
00:12:15
Speaker
And may not be in the father role, but it might be in a different a different phase, a place of feeling like I needed to turn my energy to some aspect of my work as opposed to my own physical or mental health.
00:12:37
Speaker
yeah And certainly through physical activity, we know that's impacting health at large. I guess I wonder too then what it is that men start to discover as they, maybe as they begin to work with you, as they get more in, in terms of by reps, I mean sort of repetitions of going to the gym or repetitions of physical activity, as they start to do it more and more,
00:13:08
Speaker
I wonder what you're seeing in men gets discovered, what priorities might shift, what a sense of identity might shift for them. Yeah.
00:13:20
Speaker
I think that there comes a point they've crossed a threshold where they even start to see their bodies deteriorating. And that even drives them deeper into the protector provider mentality. Cause they're like, well, shoot, I've already kind of let this go. So I'm going to make myself feel better by doing more of the thing that got me here. Right.
Confidence through Fitness: Integrating Self-Care
00:13:46
Speaker
right And when they start to reinvest in themselves, right. We will start as small as we need to, as little as we need to. But it's the moment that they start to see physical change in their form, right?
00:14:03
Speaker
um That if they can start to see physical change in their form without dropping a ball in the provider, right? world or their provider identity, then it starts to open up and unlock this this idea that, oh, wait a minute, I can do both.
00:14:26
Speaker
And actually, when I do both, they both get better. I'm not taking away from this to work on myself. I'm actually working on myself simultaneous to me, still executing on this other role that I have to play or that I i want to play in life, that I was put on this earth to play.
00:14:48
Speaker
And that is once once that starts to shift. And it again, it happens you at the first sign of physical change to their body. where they lose the first five pounds, they get the first compliment from somebody that like, Oh, like Cody, you look jacked. Like, what's up, man? What have you been doing? Or like, Whoa, i haven't seen you in three months. Like what changed?
00:15:10
Speaker
Um, that's a massive lift for, all of these men. And it it absolutely is that moment where it shifts the thinking of like, Oh, I can do this all together. And, uh, I actually posed that question to, you know, this group of 20, 25 guys that are in this, um, you know, you know, message thread together.
00:15:33
Speaker
was like, what was, you know, what was like, what was the moment for you in this process that really, changed your fundamental thinking about yourself and how you're doing your fitness.
00:15:46
Speaker
And a lot of them spoke to that moment where, you know, their brother-in-law that they haven't seen a little bit was like shocked at like the muscles that they saw in them. um Or they went on a vacation, they went to mexico you know, over spring break, and they took their shirt off at the pool and they got a few compliments.
00:16:06
Speaker
And it's just, ah it's such a reinforcing moment for for a lot of men to be like, oh, I'm reclaiming some of this physicality, some of this presence as a man.
00:16:16
Speaker
And i didn't drop the ball in these other areas. And you mentioned this thing of guys who, and it resonated with me as well, with guys that are you know doing well in their business, you know like finances, business success, things like that, but there was still this sense of disconnection and you kind of gave this glimpse, Marcus, of this this, you know, they look in the mirror and that's like the window, right?
00:16:41
Speaker
um And how the physical change opened up the door to some deeper deeper conversations where they some men had this realization that i could I actually could provide better or protect more effectively or show up more intentionally whatever all the while filling my cup so I'm able to give
Impact on Family: Positive Ripple Effects
00:17:02
Speaker
more.
00:17:02
Speaker
right And I think that's simplified a beautiful image of like, okay, yeah, i give you 100% of 50%, but what if I give 100% of 100%? It's an easy message.
00:17:13
Speaker
And I'm wondering, like as you as they're beginning to see that shift, these guys have this moment where it's like, wow, okay, this is enticing, meaning I'm feeling some deeper connection.
00:17:25
Speaker
What are some other questions and or changes you're seeing on a more kind of emotional, like psychological level, whether has to do with like purpose or values, or things as they begin to kind of invest themselves, they kind of opened up some other, maybe open up some possible blind spots or some, some deeper,
00:17:44
Speaker
ah deeper insights. So wondering what has that kind of then opened the door for them to do as like, because fitness was their first like step. And then it's like, now we're going deep. So what are the some of those deep themes that you've noticed with men begin to wrestle with in this group that you're kind of coaching?
00:18:01
Speaker
Yeah. um I think they're partnerships. They're like primary partnerships. They're spouses. um And maybe it shows up in a couple ways. It's like ah they're starting to feel like desired more by their, their partner, um which is, i think what a lot of men are wanting. They want to feel desired by their, their partner. They're, they're doing all of this to provide for them and provide for the family. This is maybe the view that they, you know, are, are taking. And ultimately I just want to feel supported, desired by my partner,
00:18:44
Speaker
And once that starts to happen and they get that feeling back, it deepens their connection. It's like, okay, this person sees me for more than just like putting you know money in the bank account.
00:18:59
Speaker
Like, oh, they they are attracted to me more or their physical intimacy goes you know from non-existent to existent again.
00:19:12
Speaker
um I think the other one is seeing the impact that it has on the health dynamics of the family, whether that be with their kids or their spouse. Like, you know, my wife is now wanting to join the program.
00:19:29
Speaker
Or my wife is like on board with, you know, making better choices in the house around food. Um, my kid is working out with me in the, in the basement and is watching me do this.
00:19:44
Speaker
And then they, you know, I'm like looking at training videos from them and I see their, you know, their five-year-old kid run up to the camera and like flex while daddy's like doing his sets to like, send me a ah training video.
00:19:57
Speaker
Right. and Man, that's that is like that suddenly starts to feel like because and this goes back to what's the identity? i go off.
00:20:09
Speaker
And to my own world to provide for this family at home, I'm alone out here providing. And instead, it's like, look it, I'm in the home. I'm making these choices.
00:20:20
Speaker
I'm being seen in the moment for the things that I'm doing. And it's having an impact on the family. And, you know, most of the time, i think men that are providing, they're like, not even, they they don't even feel or sense or see that appreciation for this hard work that they're doing out of the home.
00:20:41
Speaker
But then suddenly there's this thing that they're doing that is very visible in the home. And then that's having an impact. And it's like, oh, wow, you see, you see me for the work that I'm doing here. Daddy's always getting his workouts in you know, wife is like, oh, yeah, we're eating more healthily. You're like taking care of your body. Like, I appreciate that so much. Yeah.
00:21:03
Speaker
And well yeah, go ahead. Well, it sounds like this thing of like, you said it, at least I picked up on it. Maybe I'm, I don't know. I love pierce. Sue, but you said there's almost like they're doing, you know, pre coming to your program where they're feeling, maybe they're having success and doing all the things like they're doing all the things, all the check boxes, which no other things are bad, obviously they're they're fine, but they're, what you said is they're kind of feeling isolated and alone doing it.
00:21:27
Speaker
There's no sense of, they're like disconnected though, from the people while they're doing the things, there's some sense of like internal emotional, psychological disconnection. And then as they start doing this, you gave you said this, you know, the sun came up and was flexing. So there's more of a connection, like more of a integration, a team happening versus this isolation, loneliness. And also they're in a program with you with a bunch of other guys.
00:21:51
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. Versus maybe by themselves doing all this stuff. Yeah, by themselves doing all this stuff and not seeing results from it. Right. Because i remember that's like and very few of these men are showing up having like starting from zero.
00:22:05
Speaker
They're doing something. It's not really potent or effective. And so they don't have much to show for this other thing that they're doing. So they don't lean into it.
00:22:16
Speaker
They're like, i just got to go. You know, i got to get the gym. And I it's like I hear it's like um just hit the gym because it's like a my mental release. And honestly, that is a red flag that what you're doing in the gym is not purposeful. It is not moving you towards being a better man.
00:22:35
Speaker
It is simply just an escape from the thing that's causing you pain somewhere else. Ooh, I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard it the other day. I was like, like yeah, just I'm in the gym five days a week. I just got to have it for my mental release. And I'm like, bro, like.
00:22:52
Speaker
You don't go to the gym to release just your thoughts. Like you go to the gym to become a savage, like an absolute freaking warrior.
00:23:04
Speaker
And in that, not only do you get the mental so like release, you get more of a mental release. Plus you walk away with ah ah um and a level of confidence that translates to every single moment of your day.
00:23:19
Speaker
So stop just going and checking a box of of ah of escape and instead go and invest your time effectively so that you not only get an escape for an hour, but you prove to yourself that you are way, way more than you believe you are right now.
00:23:41
Speaker
Yeah, that reminds me like ah the the term the word escape is because they're doing something seemingly positive. who Like the gym. Right. But it's the use of it.
00:23:52
Speaker
And that's why I work a lot with men in this too. It's like we could be anything could become an escape where it's no longer. It's ah an avoidance strategy, not and and it loses its meaning behind it. So the gym or whatever, I mean, at this point, might well, I'm not advocating for this.
00:24:07
Speaker
this point, might as well drink, right, technically, right? Why go to gym? Just sit on the couch and drink, right, this point. And I'm not advocating for that. But essentially, that's what that is now. that you that This is your alcohol.
00:24:18
Speaker
Right. Is now the gym five days a week. yes Yeah. So turning, turning something that has, you know, this kind of potential, like to the, to the moon and just, just showing up and checking a box.
00:24:31
Speaker
And they're, and they're still avoiding the pain behind. For sure. So it's still, it's still a way of avoiding whatever it is they need to face. I'm curious to your thoughts on this period, but that's what said out to me is like, we're still not, we're still avoiding the pain. We're still distracting from, we're not actually engaging with and addressing like the elephant in the room, so to speak. And we're kind of we're still lost, right? So they're doing all the things, but they're still stuck.
00:24:55
Speaker
They're still adrift. They're still lost. Yeah. and And I can walk into a gym, call it like, I don't know, Lifetime Fitness, a big commercial gym, hundreds of people there.
00:25:06
Speaker
And I can just stand on the side and watch people. And I will point out that person is, they're just checking a box. Like they're, they're escaping. They're not really doing the work.
00:25:19
Speaker
This person, they have purpose. They're getting after it. Like, yeah, you just see it in body language. You see it in effort. You see it in the transition time. It's like, yeah.
00:25:30
Speaker
Yeah, I stopped going to that gym because I just was like, I found myself just kind of bullshitting too much and talking, you know, with guys and stuff. And I want to go find another place. It's like, it ain't the problem with the people at the gym that are distracting you.
00:25:42
Speaker
It ain't the problem with the guy that's just, you know, I walk into a gym, people don't chat me up. Right. And I'm not putting up like, I don't want to talk to you vibes. I put up like, that guy's focused. Right.
00:25:55
Speaker
You know, and and people will say like, oh, that's intimid you're intimidating in the gym. I'm like, OK, good. Like, I'm intimidating because the thought of putting that much effort towards your physical fitness, it's it scares you.
00:26:10
Speaker
It's it you don't even know how to access it, but you can. And I make a point, especially when I invite people to come train with us here. I'm like, we can have a good time. We can chat.
00:26:22
Speaker
But when I'm doing my set, like. You could talk, but I don't hear you. Like, I am... in intensely focused on what I'm here to do first and foremost.
00:26:35
Speaker
And if I can build some relationships around that and have some, you know, ah you know, small talk or conversation or even deeper conversations in between fine. But if it takes the place of what you're here to do, then that's a, that's a red flag.
00:26:52
Speaker
Marcus, when men get started, how do they tap into focus like that. And in many ways, what I appreciate here is much of how we turn energy in the collective into into action is starting with a a clear intention.
00:27:19
Speaker
And it sounds like that's a big element of it as well, coming in with clarity on the point and on what needs to be done to get there.
00:27:29
Speaker
How do you see that begin to evolve as men just get started? Because I'd imagine there's some challenge. Like I'd imagine the first month especially might be a little rocky with in terms of getting the the focus and the presence to be where you are and do what you need to do
Purposeful Routines: Keys to Personal Development
00:27:48
Speaker
when you're there. Christopher Statewide Yeah, well, i mean, imagine somebody comes to me like, they've made up an investment, a financial investment, a sizable one. So they're like, Okay, well, I'm doing the thing, I got to do the thing.
00:28:01
Speaker
ah And we talked about this amongst my coaching staff. It's like, our, our job is to support the person wherever they're at. And keep the bigger vision of what they're capable of and who they want to become, like for at at the forefront of every interaction.
00:28:19
Speaker
So if, if somebody is starting with me and we say, okay, this is where we want to go. You want to lose 20 pounds. You want to get into a better, you know, practice of feeling yourself with, with good quality food in the right amount so that you have better energy sustained throughout the day. And you're not coming home.
00:28:38
Speaker
a shell of who you are to the family that really wants to have you present. Like if that's the goal, then this is the path to get there. And then we start executing and, and it can be as simple as like, send me your first video of you training.
00:28:51
Speaker
And I'll say, Hey, nice job. Like great technique. You really did that well. And, um, what you just showed me, that was, uh, a warmup set at best.
00:29:06
Speaker
that ain't That is not it. we got it We got to level up. Watch this video and see the effort that this client is giving and just compare it to what you're doing.
00:29:18
Speaker
Oh, okay. Whoa. That's how I normally do my sets. I'm like, yeah, I know you do. And we got ah we got to level up from there. So next week, keep that in mind or tomorrow when you're back in the in the basement doing your sets, I want a little bit more of this and less of this.
00:29:36
Speaker
And so we start to make these little connections to like, oh, I can i can do more. I have more inside of me. um And that's you know that is a very simple way and tangible way to get them seeing, huh, I'm capable of more. He believes in me.
00:30:00
Speaker
I'm doing the work, but I could do it better. Yeah. to Yeah. I, I, I, occasionally I come across like, I come across somebody who's really ready to make a change. They want to level up, level the F up. We have a little LTFU group.
00:30:17
Speaker
It's like, Hey, I'm here. I want to level up. And you know, that that's kind of like, they give me license to just really be blunt with them. Like that, that wasn't it dude. Like, Nope, not even close. so Right.
00:30:29
Speaker
Um, And I started with a client almost 12 weeks ago. um He's had he runs an online business. He helps, you know, consumer direct consumer brands sell on Amazon, works like an absolute, you know, savage, like is just crushing it in business and really focused. And he's a clued in dad, clued in husband.
00:30:52
Speaker
But he realizes like just through ah his interactions with me over the years, he's like, I think I've got more in me physically. and when we started to unpack the way he was approaching his fitness, you know, in the most gentle, kind, but also straightforward way, I was like, I was like, dude, you're a beginner. Like, I know you've been in the gym and I know you got this cool setup in your garage, but like, you have just been you've doing a lot of things that aren't really moving you towards where you to go So, and it was like, oh my gosh, like I didn't realize, oh, I had no idea. I was like, just kind of half-assing it.
00:31:28
Speaker
was like, yeah, it's like, you got more in you. There's more of you inside that is dying to come out. Let's bring that person out. Right. And, you know, for,
00:31:39
Speaker
those people who are drawn towards physical fitness or movement, like it's just such a, such a beautiful way to express that. Cause it's like, it's physical.
00:31:50
Speaker
Your emotions can come out in those, like in those, in those reps that are like right near your, your limit. It's that point where it's like, come face to face with you giving maximal effort to move an object, to move some steel, some iron.
00:32:08
Speaker
All right. And in that moment, it's like, whoa, I'm capable of a lot. I think we don't always get that in interactions and relationships with with other men. And maybe there are a lot of reasons for it, but it strikes me as important to be able to tell a man, i know you've got more in you and I can see it.
00:32:36
Speaker
It may not be coming out in its fullest form right now. That feels much less shame-filled and much more likely to be encouraging to a man, at least a man who's open to receiving it.
00:32:54
Speaker
I think that that likely translates to all kinds of aspirations a man might have. To be ah more a more present father or a more um compassionate partner or husband. To...
00:33:12
Speaker
to work harder to show up more. However, there is always a sort of, we see this quite often in men's sense of doubt and perhaps fear of maybe both of some fear of failure quite a bit.
00:33:34
Speaker
And also maybe even a fear that things will work out and there's this realization that I'm actually quite capable, but may not have summoned that capability in the same way before.
00:33:50
Speaker
And it strikes me that a lot of that can't be done entirely in a vacuum without somebody to, to be able to put a mirror up or even to share their own trust and faith in you, in that, in the man who's looking to make a big shift.
00:34:12
Speaker
Um, yes. I think we, I think it's also quite, Oh, excuse me. Yeah. No, no, please. I was going to say, I just was going to say it's, it's quite important to that. Um, something I'll do periodically, you know, is I will call out other people in the group.
00:34:30
Speaker
I will call out myself or like, Hey, I know you see like so-and-so is like crushing it here, but, they overcame this. Like they were, they were, they were not in a good spot, you know? And I think that create that, that safety amongst the group where it's like, Hey, we're all here and we all have our own stuff going on. yeah Nobody in this room is winning.
00:34:55
Speaker
across the board. And if they are saying that, if you see that out on social media, like those people are 100% lying and they are 100% protecting and shielding
Authenticity in Men's Groups: Fostering Genuine Connections
00:35:08
Speaker
themselves from whatever their insecurity and fear is.
00:35:12
Speaker
So, you know, get get behind that facade. And it's like, hey, we're all showing up, not complete, not totally full in our cup.
00:35:24
Speaker
But we all want to be here to to make progress towards that. We will never be perfect. We are all imperfect. And if we can see that in each other and be like, hey, you're not you're not given everything you've got. Like, come on. Like, where have you been? Like, why haven't you why haven't you posted on the thread yet? You know, or why haven't you spoke up?
00:35:44
Speaker
um Coming from somebody who's also acknowledging like, I'm I'm not I'm not whole. And I actually, you know, I've got this like small, this, might my, to my, two my, two my best friends, we, we, we were in this routine, you know, for pretty much since COVID, like lockdown of just meeting every other week and just having kind of like a brother, you know, connection.
00:36:07
Speaker
And, um, I found myself this year. So early, early in 2025, I was like, I was going through some, I'm continuing to go through some big challenges. Um, and I was showing up to our calls leading with that because ah that was the space that we created. It was like, I got this stuff going on. i need you know I need to either have a place to speak about it, feel supported by you.
00:36:31
Speaker
um And one of the one of the members of the group, my my perception of how he was showing up was like, I'm good. I've got everything figured out. Like, I'm going to give you some sage advice.
00:36:44
Speaker
And it really like, and I don't, I don't fault him for this. And it was my perception of how he was showing up. But ultimately I was like, I don't want to, want to talk about any of my stuff with you because you seem to believe that you got it all going on the right way, that you have learned all the lessons that I'm trying to learn right now, that you've, you've been through that season of life and now you're above that.
00:37:11
Speaker
And it was, it was, uh, it drove me away from this group that had been, you know, my closest group for a long time. And it wasn't until just in the last couple of weeks that,
00:37:24
Speaker
I was able to like get myself to come back to them and be like, look, I want to show up. This is what I've been having a hard time with in this group.
00:37:35
Speaker
I'm, I want this bond. I know, i know deep down that none of us have it all perfect, but I'm tired of showing up and putting out my cards and feeling like y'all are protecting yours.
00:37:49
Speaker
Um, so that's, that's, you know, that, that is, that's what creates the safety to really be authentic in those spaces for sure. yes it's showing up and it's you know interesting you brought this up about so men seeking support that hey this has been my outlet for so many years and yet and you know, whether was intentional or not, I needed something different from this group and I was showing up and sharing and I was giving advice maybe versus being listened to or I was told what to do versus just being um kind of witnessed.
00:38:23
Speaker
Is that, that's kind of what picking up that you're saying is like, yeah. yeah um And we talk about in the collective a lot is how to actually, how do we support each other as men? What does it really look like? Because often we will want to give the sage advice, like we're the wise ones. We got it figured out. um But often that could be, and in your case, very disconnecting and distancing because it's like, wait a second, hold on. um And so one, I commend you going back to the group and saying that, like going back in and saying, hey, guys, I need this. Like, here's the need.
00:38:56
Speaker
Like, here's what I need to feel supported or connected because I do need this group. can't do it alone. And it's also interesting because I think that's a theme that we talk about too is we we're we're not designed or wired to do it alone as men and yet we find a lot of men that come to us are often alone and isolated until they come in.
00:39:11
Speaker
Totally. 100%. So that that was interesting, that whole thing about seeking support. And that's a whole topic that we talk about in the collective is how to effectively do that. It's by witnessing. That's by before we give advice, asking like, hey, what how what do you need from me right now? I want me to listen to witness, reflect back, or do you want me to share my experience? And so we ask that. I think sometimes we get to train ourselves how to really seriously support mean you know man to man.
00:39:37
Speaker
Yeah. Um, because often we'll go that one channel. Well, what you gotta do is, you know, chew sugarless gum, you know, to quote Kevin James, uh, um, um, Pierre thoughts on that, uh, that section here that.
00:39:51
Speaker
Well, yeah, I know a lot of thoughts on that. Uh, the seeking of support is always one of the most challenging parts of, of our work in group and, or as a team period.
00:40:07
Speaker
And I think a lot of it has to do with much of what we're accustomed to. I know for me, like even asking for support is a challenge. Half the time, I don't know what I'm asking for specifically and getting kind of granular on that has been really valuable and recognizing actually most of the time we don't want, uh,
00:40:35
Speaker
You don't actually want sage wisdom or advice on someone else's terms. Mm-hmm. Kind of need to be able to come to a place where we're making important decisions for ourselves, or even just being heard and recognizing that we're not dealing with whatever we're facing on our own.
00:40:56
Speaker
And yeah. And either the one-upmanship or the sage advice or the desire to fix has become so habitual for us that it's hard to imagine anything different.
00:41:08
Speaker
Maybe it's too unusually exclusive or it's just too fucking scary to pretend that I don't have an answer, even though that's the reality of it all. I don't have an answer for most of the times, my friends or family or people around me that I care about are struggling with something really big.
00:41:30
Speaker
I'm not always going to have a solution. And in fact, that's not what they're looking for. The more I try to pretend that I do have a solution, the less people are going to feel comfortable sharing some of the stuff, some of the shit in life that actually has no solution or has no answer and just needs us to be around one another and not feel so alone. And I think one of the things that I've appreciated Here, Mark says, one of the the important elements of your work is is support.
00:42:10
Speaker
As it shows up, maybe in other parts of a man's life. And support is kind of a funny word from then. I think it it end it ends up silencing a lot of us.
00:42:21
Speaker
but Like, no, i don't I don't want support or I don't need anything. I'm good. Or I don't even know how to give it. right but i Yeah, the language I end up... Yeah, well, the language I use around that is just, hey...
00:42:33
Speaker
We're going to create a plan and a system to get you to a goal. All right. It's a physical outcome. We're just trying to lose body fat, whatever, build muscle, get stronger. Who cares? Like it's just some, whatever the thing is.
Overcoming Obstacles: Growth through Curiosity and Problem-Solving
00:42:44
Speaker
And we're going to encounter obstacles along the way. Let's deal with that obstacle. What's your obstacle right now? Cause then it's just like, I think that, I don't know for me, it's like, oh, I'm happy to talk about what's in the way.
00:42:58
Speaker
I don't know even how to articulate what I need, but I'll tell you what's in the way. And then it's like, oh, damn, that is that is rough. Like, ah i don't even know if don't even know if I know how to address that.
00:43:11
Speaker
It's like, oh, that seems ah that seems big to you, too. Yeah, cool. Because it feels really big to me. All right. Now we've got that out of the way. Like. let's get curious together about how we can overcome this thing, this obstacle, which is another way of saying like, how can I support you?
00:43:27
Speaker
And so, yeah, just framing it. I think that with, that works really well with, with, with my clients. um And I don't think that, you know, I like to also frame like the purpose of this is to walk this path together so that we can figure out where the obstacle is.
00:43:47
Speaker
Like we're going to hit it. It's going to happen. Actually, the goal of this is to find it. Because in the first month, people just made a big financial investment. They got that new starter energy.
00:43:59
Speaker
you know, things are cruising along to haven't missed a single meal, haven't missed a single workout. And yeah, that's that's a beautiful time to build some intrinsic motivation because they're seeing some changes.
00:44:10
Speaker
And I'm like, When's it coming? When's it coming? Okay, there it is. Yes. You got the back tweak. You, because you were overworking and you were staying up late and you had three travel trips and you drank too much this week and then you got back and you try to get back on the horse real quick and then boom.
00:44:32
Speaker
tweak your back or you know whatever right it's like okay the back tweak is the obstacle that you you see that sucks damn i've been through that dude yes it's going to be a little bit of a road to recovery here sorry you're going through that um that's happened to me like this time and this time Like, what do you think was like, what do you think happened there? It's like, well, my technique got off.
00:44:58
Speaker
I'm like, yeah, probably, maybe. What else was going on? Like prior to like, you know, what happened the night before? What happened the day before? You know, it's like, okay, we'll backtrack a little bit. It's like, oh, I was this, this, this.
00:45:09
Speaker
It's like, oh man, it sounds like, sounds like you were a ticking time bomb on that day. Right. Right. You know, you could have picked up the laundry wrong and something might have happened and not not going for, you know, your your second set of deadlifts or whatever. Right. Everyone wants to blame the deadlift for every issue that ever happens. It's like, well, how are you showing up to the deadlift session kind of thing?
00:45:31
Speaker
Yeah. I like deadlifts actually. Yeah. Well, that's great exercise. I enjoy it for my, for my height. it Yeah. Enjoy it. Um, well, you know, Mark, said a couple of themes that we're setting out today. We'll, we'll start to wrap up here for time, but you know, um, this idea that guys come in, you know, the it's like the, I think you said it and I'll misquote you and I'm sorry if I do, I'll find it. I'll listen back, but something to the effect of, you know, the window, you know,
00:45:58
Speaker
is like what they, in the mirror, right? like The window when it changes, like, well, they they see themselves in the mirror. That's usually what guys come in to see you. It's like, okay, I'm seeing this. I look different. yeah Got some fat. And that's kind of the wake-up call. That's the that's the thing that, like, stands out to them.
00:46:12
Speaker
um And then they come and join a group. and not alone. So already, they're moving from a kind of isolation, disconnection, into connection in a group of people trying to do the same thing. So there's already this camaraderie of working together towards a unified goal.
00:46:27
Speaker
So already I'm breaking this loneliness and and and disconnection, lone wolf thing to the realm of fitness. And it's a little more tangible, right? In the sense that they see it.
00:46:40
Speaker
um And then it starts open up the door to maybe some deeper value meeting things, which is not so tangible in the sense that it's little more esoteric, a little more in the mind emotions. But it starts off with this physicality.
00:46:51
Speaker
And with that, they're starting to work through some maybe other um obstacles, right? Identify the obstacle. Be curious about it. so I'm seeing this kind of trajectory and also the power as their kind of leader for a will who's also modeling.
00:47:08
Speaker
connection group, like not doing it alone, doesn't have it all figured out, working through it together. Let's listen, let's witness, be curious with working with the person. Now there I'm sure there are times that you do, you come in with your expertise and say, hey, here you go.
00:47:24
Speaker
yeah But by and large, like that's not the that's not all that you do. That's that's a piece of it. And so it's this idea that we're joining in with one another And they come out identifying some deeper meaning or values where they're able to show up more.
00:47:37
Speaker
But it's not in isolation. It's always through group. Yeah. Yeah. It's through relationship. Completely. That relationship starts with the coach, with me, and we build that. And and then we expand it into, you know, I generally don't um dump the guy's you know, in the first month or first two weeks into the group yet, I'm like, hey, let's just focus on you and me. I'm here to support you. Like, I got your back. we This is what we're going to do Let's go execute the plan.
00:48:04
Speaker
You know, where are you having a hard time getting onto this program? um And then it's like, hey, man, I want to invite you into this group and and just to be, you know, part of a little community where we're all trying to chase the same thing. You want you want to do that? Like, sure. Yeah, that sounds great.
00:48:20
Speaker
um So, Yeah. and And I thought that for, you know, obviously that's the stage of life I'm in. It's like, I got kids, I'm building a business. I've, you know, pointed a lot of my energy in my thirties towards my career.
00:48:32
Speaker
um Where am I in this whole thing? ah Like going through a lot of the same questions. um And so I see physical fitness now is like a, a portal to really,
00:48:46
Speaker
ah tap into who who I am and who these you know clients can be and give them a sense of meaning, purpose, and fill their cup so that they can show up in these other areas of their life too.
00:49:00
Speaker
um But i've since I was a teenager, I was like physical fitness is the path that I want to... you know the it's It's my vehicle for self-discovery. ah And as a teenager, it was just discovering who I...
00:49:14
Speaker
who I wanted to become through my 20s. It was, you know, the portal by which I went and challenged myself to be an elite level athlete and really see the power of of hard physical work and its influence on other people and the personal growth that I felt there.
00:49:32
Speaker
You know, in my 30s, it was this like this is my This is the thing that helps me to grow my business and my career. And i'm going to point my energy towards my physicality and my commitment and my discipline to it.
00:49:45
Speaker
And now it's like, oh, this is this is the place where I go and get connected to myself to really see like, well what is standing in the way of me being whole so that I can be a better dad, a better husband, um and continue to be a good leader now the people that work for me and versus when I was building much of it on my own.
00:50:06
Speaker
Yeah. well and And again, I think that the thing here that I keep coming back to is that you're also doing this on your own. Like, I mean, sorry, you're doing all the same work that you're inviting these guys into.
00:50:17
Speaker
Oh, yeah. You're doing the very thing. Like you're in your own group, your own relationships. You're not disconnected. lot Like ah you said, you're not seeing it all figured out. Mm hmm. And I think that's that is so and important. and And that's some of them actually, Pierre and I bring in a lot into in our group is like, hey, yeah, I have i have letters behind my name.
00:50:38
Speaker
And I've read a lot of books, got a lot of certifications, but I'm still trying to figure it out too. yeah dad I still make mistakes. I don't always make the best decision. I find myself getting in a state of dysregulation or, you know, raising my voice or doing something. And I have to like reground myself and do the work and reach out to a friend. Like, or I find myself getting stuck in some old messaging in my head. Like, am I failing as a dad or i'm messing up? And then,
00:51:01
Speaker
reaching out to relationships or reaching out to my co-founder peer. Hey, dude, I'm struggling again. Like there's something here powerful that I think as men and and I think of a recent meta analysis that was released, which was they've already done one of these, but it just got released again.
00:51:14
Speaker
if you saw that with the most powerful thing of like health is not diet and exercise, everything else, it's relationships, as we know. um That was also Harvard's mate. Was it Harvard, Stanford? Whatever. their That was their main longitudinal study, too, that is actually your the nature and depth of relationships and connection more than anything else. Like the biggest predictor of like longevity and health and mental wellness and everything is is yeah your stuff to absolutely diet and exercise.
00:51:41
Speaker
But it's the relationships. Yeah. You need that. Yeah. Well, without the relationships, you don't want to pursue the other things. you're like Right. I think that's the crux of everything. Yeah. Yeah. Then that other stuff is like, it just it just creates, it just, everything else falls into place. it's like, but we need that foundation of relationship. And I think that's the thing I keep hearing is what we're doing is relationship. What you're doing is, and if anything, you said, i need to change maybe how I show up in my private, more intimate relationships here.
00:52:06
Speaker
And you're showing this to men and they're kind of saying yes to this and they're getting energized and focused. And then they can show up and do the very thing because they were stuck before. The only thing that really changes, yeah, they paid you money, but now they're in a different type of relationship.
00:52:20
Speaker
Yes. And that's what's saying it to me. i don't pair any final thoughts on that for today as we think of closing. Yeah. There, um, I think you're inviting men into a place where they're not just like-minded, I suppose, but open-minded to, to the importance of,
00:52:41
Speaker
fitness and nutrition in all of the other domains of life. It's not, you're, it's not being done in a vacuum for the sake of, Um, you know, for the sake of one thing, for the sake of aesthetics or for the sake of competition, but you're, you're inviting men essentially to, to use physical fitness in a way that is actually improving their relationships and their mental health and allowing them to see that they've got agency and the capability to grow in ways that maybe they never thought they could have.
00:53:19
Speaker
And, yeah, so really kudos. yes all it work and I guess I get curious, too, about how men may be able to find you, engage with you, if that feels right for them.
00:53:36
Speaker
Yeah, well, I mean, the brand is Functional Bodybuilding. And, you know, we, we offer this sort of guided personal fitness journey, which um you can certainly come and engage with our, our content and dabble in our, you know, training programs. If you're a, if you're somebody out there, men or women that, you know, already have a place for fitness in your life, and you just want to have something that is a bit more thoughtful that you can use to, you know, fill that time in the gym.
00:54:10
Speaker
um But if you're looking for like, how do I build a system of, you know, health and fitness in my life that adds and doesn't take away, then, you know, work with our coaching team to, you to establish that for you and uncover, you know, what, what part of you is not, you haven't fully realized yet, ah you know, in your, in your physical potential and confidence and ability to take time to fill up your health cup without detracting from the provider, you know, the protector ah identity that you also want to hold.
00:54:51
Speaker
And for those that are listening and watching, everything for Marcus's content it' will be linkable clickable and linkable at the bottom in the description for his website, for his Instagram. um Yeah, I mean, even watching, i've I've seen quite a few of his videos and I've used some techniques because it is free and it's great. And he's really good at what he does, by the way, in these um hopefully you got a better sense of some of the deep work he's doing outside of his his his short content snippets on Instagram um but Marcus thank you so much for jumping on again and talking about it and going a little deeper on some of the stuff you're seeing with men some of the barriers but also some of the things of that are really deeply important to men that really get them engaged and get them doing life changing decisions that have bigger and greater impact on not just them but everything else that matters to them most yeah so thank you for coming on today
00:55:40
Speaker
Thanks for having me, guys. I appreciate it thank you. Yeah. Love this conversation, and I look forward to, whenever this is released, ah sharing it with my my group, because there's a lot of things that that will resonate with them.