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Episode 7: The Pursuit of....
38 Plays4 months ago
In this episode, the guys discuss finding and maintaining happiness, something so many people, especially men struggle with.
Good Morning, Gents! This is a podcast hosted by four Marine Corps veterans with the goal of uplifting men to be the best version of ourselves. In an age of high rates of suicide and depression, especially in the male population, we are taking a stand. This is a place that will cover all of the challenges and realities that we face in the current world, and how we can break down barriers to betterment for ourselves, our families, and the world.
A tragic suicide of our friend sparked an idea and experiment for us as we rekindled our friendship: A group text where we say "Good Morning" to each other every single day, and continue the conversation about what is going on in our lives, be there for one another, and spread positivity and reassurance. Men bear so much weight of responsibility in society that it is hard for men to have an outlet to express themselves. This has attributed to the vast number of suicides in the male population. We aim to cut those numbers down with this podcast. Between the discussions our hosts will talk about, and the guests we bring onto the show, we invite you to join us on this journey towards self-betterment for all.
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Transcript
Introduction: Struggles with Happiness
00:00:07
Speaker
good morning here we are back again the four of us so today we're going to be talking about something that i think most men struggle with on some level um and that is happiness how do you find it what makes you happy and how do you maintain it but before we get into the topic how are you guys doing today I'm doing pretty good.
Personal Updates: Lasik Surgery and Attire Humor
00:00:37
Speaker
This is Caleb. The listeners don't know, but I've shared some gnarly pictures with you guys, but got Lasik this week and I'm excited to never have to wear contacts or glasses again. So it's been a great week. Good boys. I am good. It's the weekend. I don't have to go to work.
00:00:57
Speaker
I ah clean my house already. I actually don't have my kids this weekend so it's silent. So I'm taking advantage. I'm gonna go find a patio for lunch and eat some pizza and meet up with an old buddy and it's gonna be a good week. What are you wearing on your head, bro?
00:01:15
Speaker
Bro, I had to go to my oldest daughter's room because apparently recording is so exciting in the living room. And so I am sitting at her makeup desk, and I think this is something you use to pull your hair back to do your makeup. It's very comfortable, and it's very stylish. So that is what I'm wearing. Cute little girl back. You see the sign behind me? Look for the listeners. If you guys can read it, that is the sign that she held up for me when we got back from the mule. It is. I remember that.
00:01:44
Speaker
She was too. Yep, I still have it. It hung in my gym for my own gym since she's made it. And then and i it's the first day when the divorce happens or the first things I took. And we still have it. Still hanging on the wall.
00:01:59
Speaker
What a good girl. Further listeners, Mac has this, you know, four and a half day scruff beard. Looks really good. He's got this very masculine vibe. And then it's this like light blue, very fuzzy, like what you would think. Those are hearts. Bathrobe is made out of and then a crown. And then on top of that, it's pink and purple and light blue. It looks like like hearts. So he's got this masculine mermaid king vibe going on. So.
Sharing Experiences: Happiness and Solemn Moments
00:02:28
Speaker
Fucking right. It's it's it's making me. Poseidon, bitches. Poseidon's. ah and i'll I'll digress. I was about to make a joke.
00:02:43
Speaker
You look like the equivalent of like Bad Santa, but like Bad Easter Bunny. Yes. Bad Bunny, I'll take it. Bad Bunny. All right, Laman, how you doing this week, Brando?
00:02:57
Speaker
ah Dude, I'm doing good man again. I got some great news this week. Maybe share it in the future here with everybody um You know, I um i just there's been a smile on my face since just the past few days dude can't shake it So that's amazing brother.
Valentine's Fundraiser: Mealworms for Exes
00:03:13
Speaker
That's amazing. Hell yeah, Tyler. How was your week? Well, it's uh, it's been pretty shitty honestly um Flew down to Florida cuz um My aunt has stage four cancer, so went down to see her and just trying to help my family bear that load a little bit. It's been really tough, mainly just to see my my dad especially struggle with it and the the stress of it. So I'm just trying to be supportive of of him through this situation. And, you know, it's never easy.
00:03:46
Speaker
dealing with these kinds of things, but I'm trying to stay positive and you know i'll just be there for my family. But i just I just flew back. So kind of happy to be home. It was weird going from 80 degree weather to snow.
00:04:00
Speaker
but it's all right, I'm glad to be back, so. Absolutely, and absolutely. Not to change the topic. Not to change the topic.
Men's Happiness: Societal Pressure and Self-Care
00:04:07
Speaker
I just found some very interesting news for our listeners who may or may not, because you know we're coming up on Valentine's Day, boys. So this will make you laugh. This will bring some joy back to some faces here.
00:04:18
Speaker
For the second year in a row, Anchorage's Bird Treatment and Learning Center is holding a fundraiser called Love Hurts. For $10, the center staff will name it a mealworm after your ex and feed it to a crow or a magpie. For $100, they'll name a rat after your scorned a former lover and feed it to to one of the center's raptors, like an owl or a falcon. Oh my, oh my gosh. Jesus Christ. I'm just saying, boys.
00:04:49
Speaker
Wow. That's that's a oh and's intense. There's more. i As the part of that deal, staff will take video of the bird desecrating and devouring your ex's namesake rodent, which will be shared on social media. Or you can keep it for private viewing only. What ah what a marketing move.
00:05:14
Speaker
Do you know how much money they probably make? That's a solid business model. I feel pretty fortunate to not feel the need to ever do that about any of my exes.
00:05:25
Speaker
yeah like my My breakups were rough, but I don't hate my exes and I would never do something like that because luckily they're not like the worst fucking people in the If you feel the need to do that about your ex, I i pity you for what whatever they did to you. Not my exes, but there are some names I'd probably throw on there. But none of them are worth a hundred dollars. I don't know if it's worth the money.
00:05:54
Speaker
All right, so let's get into this. This is a, man, this is one of the most important topics we might ever cover in this show. You know, happiness or lack thereof can make or break our entire lives. For us to find it and maintain it is essential. And being a man in this day and age, especially what this entire podcast is about,
00:06:19
Speaker
The kind of stuff that we face every day, the stressors, trying to be strong for your family, provide for your family. So much of that eats away at finding happiness because we're so focused on taking care of other people.
00:06:36
Speaker
that we don't look to take care of ourselves. And we don't ask for help. We don't really talk about our problems. A lot of men won't even go to therapy. They they you know don't see the point of it or their family.
00:06:51
Speaker
raise them a certain way that they don't agree with it. And they don't have an outlet like this, which is what we're trying to encourage, where we're able to get out our feelings and what's going on, our problems that we're dealing with. We just, as men, we don't allow ourselves to be happy in most cases.
00:07:07
Speaker
So I think this is just such a crazy important topic and we really need to dig down to the root. what What is it that is essential to making you happy? And I'm not talking about like, you know, each person obviously has different things that is going to make them happy in life, like different interests or a goal that they might be setting. But like, what is it in your perspective of the roots that each person needs to make and maintain their happiness?
00:07:37
Speaker
Yeah. Matt, do we have any definitions this week? We do. i mean Let me read it here. Happy, which is actually kind of hard to find in the and like a definition because they want to like just share examples of happy. Not like a hardcore definition, but it's basically a stated being. Describes a feeling of joy, delight, or glee. Describes something that is related to or shows joy.
00:08:07
Speaker
In other words, other describing words for happy, satisfied, blissful, content, merry, cheerful, I can't read my own handwriting, joyful, and joyous. And let's just in case you wanted to be smart and use something other than happy. Gotcha.
00:08:28
Speaker
happy Happy is a word we learn. Happy and happiness is ah a word we learn, I mean, even prior to school, right? Like, it's one of the emotions that your parents try and teach you like, hey, the yeah youre you're feeling happy now, you're feeling sad, it's okay to be mad, etc. But like, happy is one of the very first emotions and words you learn as a child is like, I'm happy.
00:08:52
Speaker
um But really, if you think about it, it's hard to contextualize happiness.
Defining Happiness: Contentment and Loved Ones
00:08:57
Speaker
it's It's one of those terms that like, what truly is happiness? Like, how do you measure that? How do you how do you baseline it and how do you maintain it? um So my definition of happiness is like extreme content, but not acceptance. right Acceptance means that you're accepting something that is not great and you're going to live with it, but happiness for me is extreme content. So like you're you're in a place that everything is okay around you or better than okay at minimum. I mean i guess that's my and my personal definition of happiness is it's just extreme content.
00:09:38
Speaker
I can see where you're coming from with that, Caleb. like I'd almost have to say my happiness would also be the same thing. is like Everything is kind of just in a line. like the The structure is perfect, the the day is wired just right, or the moment, I should say. i mean There's something I haven't said in a long time, but happiness is fleeting.
00:09:59
Speaker
You know, there's going to be times of trial. There's going to be times of tribulation, you know, but in that moment or in that timeframe, it's just the structure is perfect. That would be happiness to me. Yeah. I like that. Wired, right? It's all wired, right? Dude, I think, I don't know. I'm with you. Happiness is.
00:10:16
Speaker
It's fleeting, you gotta it's contentness, it's it's the state of being in the moment, enjoying the moment. But that moment also, things are coming together. like That moment is not a moment of crisis. It's not a moment of negative change. It could be positive change. but it's It's kind of one of those moments when things are going right and you can sit down and the the weight of stress, the weight of the world, the weight of whatever you're bearing and fighting through every day just isn't there for that moment. Whether you're skyping with your three buddies from the Marine Corps laughing for an hour before you actually do the show, or you're on a beach with a beautiful muscle mommy drinking an ice cold margarita,
00:11:02
Speaker
or you're watching your kids learn how to play the sport you grew up loving. If that's the moment you sit in and you're in that moment and nothing else matters and you are just feeling, yeah I don't know, you got the fucking weight off your shoulders. And the only thing that matters is what's happening right then. That the the that situation, that presence, that feeling of just like, I don't want this to end.
Finding Happiness: Hobbies and Stress Outlets
00:11:32
Speaker
is kind of that happiness I think we all strive for. So my question here is for our listeners who, I mean, they could be anybody, but I like to think a lot of people who might listen to this are more of the blue collar kind of guy, just trying to survive the day, providing for his family, making sure you know the house is taken care of, the home's in order, the wife is happy.
00:12:00
Speaker
Whatever the case is, they're focused on so many different things around other people and their well being. How do they have time or energy to find things that make themselves happy other than other people's happiness? How do you how do you suggest that they find things that make them truly happy inside? You got to have a hobby, man.
00:12:24
Speaker
you got You gotta to have something, I mean, hobbies, they fill our time, our our spare time, our our me time. you know If you have a ah ah was a constructive hobby, I would say, not just any kind of hobby, but something that brings you joy, you know that you can go off and do on your own, that your family respects and is it's conducive to either your own life or your own happiness or joy or contentment.
00:12:50
Speaker
Yeah, I can get on board the hobby train. I've got a few hobbies that I absolutely love. But there's been points in my life where I didn't en lot i didn't i wasn't in love with doing my hobbies because the the weight of everything else kept me from being in that moment. So I think i think for me,
00:13:09
Speaker
The first step to finding true happiness is finding an outlet for what what what anchors you have in life. Those things that are holding you down, those things that are kind of limiting your your ability to experience joy, whether that's face-based or mental health you know therapy. i mean I go to a therapist once a week. like um I'm unpacking my own things right now as we speak, as we record these episodes. you know i'm um I'm doing that. umm i'm in the I'm in the word every week. I'm going to church every week. I've got a community of of like-minded faith-based friends that I spend time with every week. So for me, like yeah the ability to unpack
00:13:57
Speaker
or share my pack with others has allowed me to return to happiness. Um, because I was in a place where I was trying to hold the burden and carry all the weight myself. And what that did is it, it didn't allow me to find a happy, a happy place. So I quit going fishing. I quit hunting. I quit. Even if I would go fishing, I didn't, I'd be out there, if you know, casting and what about this bill casting? And what about this relationship casting, you know,
00:14:27
Speaker
Am I parenting right? Cast in, what about this? like I wasn't actually having fun. um So I think the first step, I would say the most important step would be finding a way to unpack your burdens.
00:14:42
Speaker
Caleb, I mean, if you don't want me piggybacking again, I can honestly say that for myself, just aligning myself with God again has been a great thing. Just finding my own happiness, personal, personal journey here. So, I mean, it gave me an anchor that I felt like I'd been missing. So.
00:14:59
Speaker
That's just what I got to add on. Nope. I'm with you, Brandon. I'm with you. I think everybody's walk looks a little bit different, but I definitely, I think me and yours walk is parallel a little bit. so I think you gotta learn to accept the little wins. I think if you want to find happiness and joy in your life,
00:15:16
Speaker
you've got to learn, you can see the end game that you wanna get to, but you gotta learn to accept and enjoy the little wins that you get on a daily basis. Whether that's you woke up early like you wanted to with your alarm and you got a workout in, or you went for a walk and you saw the sunrise, or if it's after work and you're sitting in your garage watching a sports game that you love and you're having a nice cold beer and nobody's bothering you as shit.
00:15:46
Speaker
or you're with your boys and you went to the fucking sports bar after work and you're watching the NASCAR race and you're talking shit and you're letting everything off your shoulders and no one's judging you.
00:16:00
Speaker
ah or little hunting hunting is a big one like and you so many little wins if you go deer hunting anyone has been deer hunting knows this whether you've been once or you've been every season every day of the season um no the Chiefs are not gonna fucking cheat Tyler asshole oh If you're if you are out there before the sunrise and your most good deer hunting is done, and people from the south are going to hate this, but up north where it gets cold. Sorry southerners.
00:16:30
Speaker
um But if you're up there and you've got that crisp morning, and but it's not, youre you're layered well, you're dry, you've got the the frost on the ground, you get so many middle good winds. You get the the owls are still out. You can listen to the owls who, the sun starts slowly coming up. that warmth that you get on your bones after sitting out there in the dark freezing your ass off and the sun starts to warm you. Watching the fawns or the cattle like so many little winds that you just get to sit and observe when you're hunting that if you if you're not aware
00:17:06
Speaker
and aware and willing to accept little wins. that That hunting is not going to make you happy.
Maintaining Happiness: Hobbies and Physical Activity
00:17:12
Speaker
You're going to be fucking cold. You're going to be miserable. You're not seeing the deer you want to see. You're not getting the shot. You're going to be out there like, this is a waste of five day five hours. But if you learn to accept little wins day in and day out, I think your overall mood leads to a more happy day. And that's why it's important to me. like I get out at sunrise and walk my dog.
00:17:34
Speaker
It's only a 15-minute walk a couple times a week, but a couple times a week, I get to watch the sunrise. I slow my world down to the point that most people don't, that I walk my dog to watch the sunrise before whatever stupid shit happens at work happens.
00:17:52
Speaker
So I get that 15 minutes of doing something of going, all right, I'm going to do this. I'm going to walk the dog. I'm going to enjoy this. And at least I start my day off with something happy. The rest of the day may go to shit. It normally does, but whatever. So you guys touched on a couple things that I totally agree with. I think you definitely need to have hobbies.
00:18:12
Speaker
For me, I like to nerd out. You know, I have these little nerdy hobbies that I like to just do in the comfort of my own home to myself or, you know, prep for something like, a you know, I do like cosplay and ah I prep for an event that happens once a year or I collect, you know, trading cards, you know, stuff like that. I tend to nerd out and just find little hobbies that can keep me busy and keep me like motivated to like just have something to look forward to, to do in your ah your free time. You know, you need to have these things that are just going to like give you something to look forward to outside of everybody else. You know, I think family is awesome to spend time with, but you also need
00:19:00
Speaker
things for your your own self to to look forward to, to enjoy in the comfort of your own sanctity, you know? You also, I mean, I'm surprised I didn't hear Mac talk more about it, which I'm sure he probably would, but like working out, working out is a great motivator.
00:19:17
Speaker
to you know release endorphins and just feel overall good. like you You feel better about yourself if you're more active. but I mean, that could be working out that could be walking or any kind of physical activity is gonna make you feel more positive overall just mentally. It'll give you mental clarity.
Podcast Insights: Validation and Self-Care
00:19:40
Speaker
um I was listening to a podcast um the other day driving home from the airport and they had on ah ah this woman, Dr. Judith Joseph, and she was talking about happiness. And she has this guide of following these five Vs that are essential to happiness. And that's validation, venting, values, vision, and vitals. Basically, you need to Keep track of those different things and allow yourself to do those things. Like if you're validating your feelings, you're venting your issues, you're following your values and your vision for your your life.
00:20:25
Speaker
and your vitals can be anything from your health or anything like that. And you are sticking true to who you are and focusing on maintaining your feelings and you can basically create happiness within yourself and maintain it. It was a really interesting podcast. Mel Robbins did. So I suggest checking that out. She's awesome. My wife loves her.
00:20:51
Speaker
um I don't really look at all, but I saw this one that really loved my curiosity, especially because, you know, I felt like we were going to do this topic eventually. So it was actually a great listen. But, you know, in terms of our podcast with, you know, like mainly the men's perspective, I think we we focus so much on taking care of other people and managing lives that we we just tend to suffer more.
Traditional Roles: Balance in Providing Happiness
00:21:20
Speaker
And that's I think why we have such high rates of suicide and depression. We're not we're not taking care of ourselves in the way that we need. You need to do things for yourself. You need to find enjoyment in your day, whatever that may be, and just let yourself be happy. I have a question on what you just said as a man, because men are wired to provide and a wire to give.
00:21:49
Speaker
and wired to protect, can you find happiness in helping others? Is there, do you find help? If somebody asks you for help, are you more frustrated? Like, oh man, I gotta to go to my, like or are you like, you know what?
00:22:04
Speaker
I would love to. I personally, if somebody asked me to help them with something, I actually find joy in helping them. Someone's like, hey, I need help moving. I get some weird joy. I'd be like, yeah, dude, you need help with something. I can give you my time and help you. So this goes back to a text I sent you guys a while back.
00:22:26
Speaker
before we started the podcast. If you remember, I told you guys like today's message is to church was to to be interruptible. You have to open your heart and soften your heart that doing good things for others is healthy for your well-being. But being interruptible, like you said, when somebody says, hey, I need help moving, knowing that you are busy, but allowing yourself to be interruptible and share that time with that person,
00:22:56
Speaker
to extend your ability to help them with that person, it ultimately helps you find happiness as a as a male because men are wired to provide. So being interruptible and understanding that you you can take that time, regardless of what you've got going on in your life, set aside your issues, that that little piece and that little moment of your day, whatever it may be, will actually help you get through your own shit It's it's a hard concept to to get to realize, but like those little interjections of what you what you see as aggravations or distractions will help you navigate your own woes.
Helping Others: Balance and Self-Care
00:23:41
Speaker
I think there needs to be a balance with that. Like I completely agree. I think helping people is tremendously important. It helps you feel fulfilled that you're doing something for others, especially as a man you're providing or you're
00:23:57
Speaker
you're helping and being a protector or a... somebody somebody who is providing something for them and giving is just inhuman nature. It feels good to give. I believe that there needs to be a healthy balance between giving and you need to be able to do that without being so much at detriment to yourself. You you can't constantly give and take care of other people's problems without focusing on yourself too.
00:24:31
Speaker
If what you're doing is taking away so much and eating away at yourself and it's at a detriment to your own well-being, then that's when it becomes a problem. You need to allow yourself to fulfill your own needs as well. And if you're able to help out others without being too much at your own detriment,
00:24:52
Speaker
then it's awesome, but you have to watch that fine line of, is this eating away at my own well-being or happiness to do these things? And that's when you need to cut the plug and focus on yourself in those situations. I'd agree with that. i' I don't think I've ever found myself in that situation of being overextended. I'm always the opposite side side of the spectrum is where I've gone way too internal and closed off to the world that like,
00:25:21
Speaker
I don't help others or I don't converse with others. So like, I appreciate that that ah perspective there. I think to it's going to depend on the relationship as well. If you've got somebody that's and sucking your your time or or honestly taking your happiness out of helping them, you know, like people that you continuously bend over backwards for, but don't even want to give you 10% to help themselves.
00:25:50
Speaker
I think that that kind of can can take away from the joy of assisting an individual. And I think relationship dictating would be a big one on that. and And Caleb, I like how you put that out there, that be that being er interruptible. I bet John 1513 was a big leader and that in that and that's that's speech there. but Oh, dude, I think the relationships between certain people now, if somebody calls me that I haven't talked to in years or something, I was like, hey, man, I need your help. It's like, you're probably gonna be like, yeah, dude, where you at? I really like that you gotta take time for yourself because, I mean, ah I did it for a long time. It was so much of me providing for my family and making sure that they had what they needed. My happiness was nowhere. I was telling myself I was happy in providing.
00:26:42
Speaker
Um, I would try, like my, my, my happiness came. um at the silence of the night when when everybody's asleep and i'm watching a movie and it's just me i might be exhausted but like that that's not happiness that's just like surviving the day almost um but that's that's what that was part of it that was that i got so engulfed in providing for the needs and wants of my family that i was willing to stick mine to the side and that's not happiness that's not and i know that about myself now i know that's a
00:27:16
Speaker
That's a thing that I can easily do um for kids, for relationships. That is something i that's that's a weakness of mine that I'm well aware of. I am well aware that I will put everything on the back burner for myself. I will swallow it down. I will shut that door. i will Any issue I'm having, I will block it off.
00:27:35
Speaker
I will square it off and leave it alone and I will go deal with everybody else's problems first. I will go deal with whatever they need help with first. that's That's a personality trait of mine, but I'm aware of it now.
Therapy and Self-Awareness
00:27:47
Speaker
A lot of, like we mentioned therapy earlier, I had a damn good therapist and we did a lot of lot of work, a lot of deep dives and was totally worth it. She she was fantastic and helped me really recognize some personality traits that were harmful to myself. Maybe ones that will never go away um because that's who I am as a person, but being aware of it helps you control it.
00:28:14
Speaker
and it's so much, now that I know that's a personality trait of mine and it's not healthy, I think that helps me tremendously. Now I'm still willing to help. I still like going, you asked me to help you move, I'll go do it. If my kids are like, I gotta do, do, do, do, do, do, I'm still gonna do it. But at some point, I know now I can look now and I can go, okay, I'm doing this, this, this. I got two days.
00:28:41
Speaker
of just giving to everybody else. I might call on sick on Monday to work so I can fucking go to the sleeping, go to the gym on my own time, work out at the length I want to work out, wash my car, like do things that like make me happy and get my kind of get my baseline back to normal. um When before I'd have given the whole week and everybody else,
00:29:08
Speaker
or the needs or wants of somebody else and then I'd have been like, all right, I guess I gotta go to work tomorrow morning. And took zero time like just went to sleep woke up and went to work and now you're given to work. And so like that I like that that idea of you gotta you gotta to find your balance because for a long time I didn't find my balance. I didn't even know what the balance was. I never thought about it, never talked about it, never cared. It was this is what I'm doing and this is how it's going to get done.
00:29:33
Speaker
um and you grind through and when you grind through you lose yourself and you lose your identity of who you are and if you do that if you get there do your happiness is not going to be there like you'll have moments of fake happiness it's not until you start finding moments of peace real peace and you'll feel it when you get in those moments of real peace you're like okay what is different now from before and you're learning that about yourself but you will grind yourself into a non-existent life.
Challenges of Vulnerability and Seeking Help
00:30:06
Speaker
Mac it's funny you said fake happiness because before we got on here I was we were looking at definitions and stuff and I pulled up false happiness. I mean just think about just think when we're having a conversation with somebody and you're you're just and you're just saying hi to somebody and they ask how you are doing.
00:30:25
Speaker
What do we always say? I'm good. How are you? We don't we don't ever just go, man, um fuck um I'm I'm I'm getting my ass whooped, man. we We never say that. Why? And I think it's relationship content, right? Like most people at work or at I run into or like, even if it's at a friendly like Super Bowl party, if I don't have that relationship with you, like, hey, you do how do you doing?
00:30:50
Speaker
um I'm good. I'm cool. Like, that's good. But like, the guy I go to coffee with most mornings, I know I can if he like we sit down and have a cup of coffee and he's like, man, you're doing all right. Like you seem stressed. I can tell him everything. I can fucking unload now and he goes,
00:31:07
Speaker
Yeah, man. I get it. He takes it. And I think the issue is, if we really unloaded whatever we were dealing with on other people, they don't want to hear it. like People just do it to be nice. like I'd rather you not fucking say shit to me than give me a fake question that you don't want the real answer to. Honestly, that's just me. and it And it comes back on us. Then you start to feel like a burden on that person. you know like If you really told him what was going on, you've just voice your own issues on them and they may not know you that well or want to know you or whatever and i'm like for me i'll give you the fucking simple answer but i also know there's people that if they really ask that question i could give them the truth and then maybe i'm having a great day maybe i'm like i'm having a fucking wonderful i got a tan going on i got got some great workouts in fucking i slept through the night like
00:31:56
Speaker
whatever like maybe I'm having a great fucking day or maybe I'm having some fucking shit go on and I've got three kids and they're all sick or I'm fucking not getting along with a co-parent or whatever it is. Maybe I got some real shit going on and I don't want to tell you how I'm doing. I only want to tell that to the certain people I know who can handle it. I think there's three things that limit us from being open. The first one is fear of vulnerability.
00:32:25
Speaker
The next one's trust. You have to trust the person that you're being vulnerable to, and then fear of judgment, right? yeah You might have some great friends in the workplace that, you know, you go have beers with, you have a great time with, whatever it may be. Like, they might be cool dudes. But like, when you tell them like, yo bro, i I'm going through divorce, that that that might be too heavy for him. Or they might be like, ah, he's got a failed marriage. What what a loser, you know what I mean? like I'm not saying that's how you do to fail it, you know, exactly. But that's our internal fear of judgment. And then when you cascade that to a professional environment like the workplace, or, you know, topical friends that you kind of hang out with in a group,
00:33:08
Speaker
um You don't want to ruin those very basic relationships with heavy shit So you kind of keep the heavy shit to the back burner and everybody gets the answer. I'm good um Yeah, it's going good. You know woke up this morning. Everything's nice So I think i think there's there's there's some things there that we put off a false perception of happiness because of of fear and and and it's fear of of other people's perceptions. But I mean, I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with that. but Can I add safety to that list?
00:33:40
Speaker
Yeah, can I say like, you can have a good relationship with somebody and you can have a great relationship with someone, you can have a romantic relationship with somebody when something happens that the safety of your conversations or the safety of your emotions seems like there are moments when it is at risk with other people learning it. like Because I have this issue, if the safety of whatever has happened between me and that relationship,
00:34:05
Speaker
I fear is shaky or at risk or not secure, but I'll start to pull back. Like, and it's immediate. It is immediate. I am quick to be like, Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. How did you know that? You guys talked about what? Oh, not now. Like I'm already putting my walls back up. If I have worked my ass off to bring those walls down and then that one thing and it's, I can't say it's healthy, right? Like, cause you need to have that conversation with that person. and But like,
00:34:32
Speaker
wall start going up quick and you need that safety if you're gonna load on people and the second you fucking violate that safety especially to a type a man the second that safety starts getting fucking violated through him and you know most of us walk around where we don't look or act like emotional but we hold a lot of emotions in us and if our emotions and things like that the safety goes away we will start protecting them and it doesn't matter who the fuck you are to us we will protect ourselves
00:35:05
Speaker
just so maybe the hurt doesn't, the the vulnerability and the hurt doesn't get out there because yeah that's that's not who we are that's
Support and Safety in Sharing
00:35:15
Speaker
not how we're wired. We have to tell ourselves it's okay. We don't just accept it. This this topic of happiness kind of brings me back to why we we even started this, you know, when, because when I would when i would talk to Brennan before he inevitably killed himself, we were having, I mean, sending the funniest memes back and forth, you know, and I thought he was happy.
00:35:35
Speaker
you know, and then to get a call literally after a couple of hours later, like, hey, he's gone. And, you know, like I was having a good day with him, talking with him, you know, and that and I don't know if he just didn't feel the trust or the the safety or if there was just a tipping point, you know, but that's just been something going through my mind. I've been doing this episode. So sorry to make it dark. But well, just from what I just from what I know of your guy's relationship. i I fully believe that he trusted you and would have said all that is going on in his mind if he wasn't already truly committed to it. Like he didn't want to burden you with that and he just wanted to do what he committed to. yeah So I would not place that kind of
00:36:32
Speaker
guilt on yourself that you ah where I don't place it guilt, but it's just the thought of happiness and seeing it there one moment and then it being gone. and That's kind of where I started seeing happiness as well. Think of also like look at Robin Williams, like one of the funniest clowns there was and one of the saddest souls.
00:36:54
Speaker
deep down when he's alone. um that's Unfortunately, that's the way a lot of ah lot of people are with their emotions. they They try to project happiness or comedy to those around them, but struggle internally. So that's why that whole validation thing is so important, is you know get your feelings out there. And I love ah what Mack and Caleb were saying. Those are some awesome points about like who you can open up to and who is it worth it to allow those feelings and emotions to. It's definitely a selection process that you have to do within your mind because like otherwise you are just going to give them that empty hollow, I'm good, how are you? And you have to find your tribe, those people that you fully trust who you can divulge that information to. There are some awesome people in my life that like I love and I
00:37:44
Speaker
trust with certain things, but at the same time, like I might tell them something that I'm struggling with and they'll be like, oh man, I'm sorry to hear that. And then immediately just start going off on their own problems and just completely divert from what I was talking about and trying to like receive some kind of help from them. They just start shoving all their problems onto me. And it's like, well, you know, I care about your problems too, but I'm trying to like talk about my shit going on, you know, like I need help. So you you have to find the right audience for your troubles. And that's what this whole podcast is about is finding your tribe, finding those people that you could just unload on and they're not going to divert and they're going to pay attention to what you're saying and give you advice or try to find the right resources to help you out, you know.
00:38:31
Speaker
It's so important to happiness. you You need to have people around you who you can talk about your problems to, who will listen to you and trust you and show your respect and make you feel heard. Absolutely. I think you make a good point. If you are the listener in that relationship and somebody is trusting you with their vulnerability and their emotions, whatever you want to call it,
00:39:00
Speaker
and they are trying to find their own happiness and they are needing someone to listen, it is on you as the listener to help them. I mean, you have a responsibility now. If you've developed a relationship where that person is willing to start being vulnerable with you, you as that receiver either need to stop it and be like, hey, I can't handle this, or you need to take it and you need to be safe with it. You need to,
00:39:27
Speaker
put it somewhere, you need to hold on to it, you need to talk it through with them or something because you now have accepted the responsibility of keeping that safe because if you don't keep it safe, you're you're not helping that person's
Coping Mechanisms and Finding Peace
00:39:39
Speaker
happiness. They are not going to, they're gonna, that's going to add to the current struggle they are going through and that's on you. That's not on them, that's on you causing that situation. So I think it's important as yes, you need to find those people and you need to have that selection process.
00:39:56
Speaker
But if that person has made the decision that you are the one that they want to open up to, you need to find it in yourself to either be like, I can handle this and I can be safe, or I can't because I'm going to go tell my best friend what they said, or I'm going to go tell a couple other people what they said because I need to be able to get it off my chest. If you need to get what they said off your chest or what they've done off your chest, you're not that person for them.
00:40:19
Speaker
If you have to pass the information they pass it to you, you are not that person for them because they don't want it out past you. They're trusting you. They're not trusting your friends. It's not your place to tell their business.
00:40:32
Speaker
Yeah, and something I appreciate from you guys so much is like when i when I talk to you, I don't ever feel like you guys are just sitting quietly listening to me waiting to talk. You're listening to listen. How often in society do we listen just to talk? Just just to get our our voice out that we're not really listening to the person. We're just waiting for the moment to open our mouths.
00:40:57
Speaker
You guys actually sit there and you listen to what I have to say and validate me in a way that so many people don't. So I think you need to find those people who truly listen to listen. You don't. yeah they're just not telling You do challenge me, but you're not just waiting for the moment to just open your fucking mouth. You're actually listening to me.
00:41:19
Speaker
And I think that's important as like, we all do a good job. If one of us puts an issue out there and we're like, all right, what's the group thing? What's the tribe say? Like, I need my elders to speak. Like, I'm, I can't figure out an answer on my own. I need some other brain power in this. And this is what I love. We could put that out there and yet there is validation in, Hey, I'm thinking this man. Like.
00:41:40
Speaker
but and we you there is validation coming from the group, but if we're fucking wrong, somebody in the group says something. So one of the other three is like, Hey man, why don't you take that person's feelings into consideration? And you're like,
00:41:56
Speaker
All right, now my boys are telling me I'm being an asshole. All right, go on. go But that's the safety, right? like I can safely tell you guys things. And then I know the answer I'm getting back is from three other people that have nothing to do with it. They're just hearing me out, hearing my side, but also going, he needs help through this. Maybe he needs to help see it in a different light. It's constructive chastism.
00:42:24
Speaker
Constructed, fuck you. So um we've we've done a pretty good job as far as. you know, talking about some of the key factors and happiness and having a good support system. When you find your side, find your guys itself in kind of a bad place, what's your, what's your go-to lift yourself up kind of mechanism? What's your, your escape line? Your, your, you know, your safety rope? Like what, what is your method? And you don't, you know, I'm not asking everybody to, you know, go through every process here, but like, like, I want to give the listeners some things to try when they're having a bad day.
00:43:02
Speaker
And they just need to try and find a ah bit of happiness. Brother, I'm like a dog. I need to go outside or go for a ride. I thought you were going to say hump a leg. Or hump a leg. Or hump a leg. Or or that. or
00:43:17
Speaker
ago I'm like a dog. I gotta go jump on something. ah No, man, i need i need I need to get out. I was taught at a young age, if you're having a difficult time, get out of a closed building, get out of a closed room. Get somewhere where it's much bigger than what you are, the small confinement that you may be in. So I like to go outside. I like to go for a ride. I know a car is small, and it's cold out in the wintertime. But you crack the window, get a little bit of fresh breeze on your face. Something about it just feels good. That's a great point. um I think escaping to nature.
00:43:51
Speaker
is ah big one like I'm not a big like fucking hunter or some kind of woodsman by any means but if i'm just like alone in nature like i really am like i always take a moment to reflect i'm like wow like i at peace being here. that's That's a big one for me. And I might have a different answer than you guys. Like for me, something I need, if I'm feeling at least energetic or inspirational, even though I might not be happy or like um I'm looking for happiness, I try to get creative.
00:44:27
Speaker
I'm an artist by heart. If I'm not doing something creatively in some fashion, then I know I'm not being true to myself and that detracts from my happiness. I need to write. I need to work on my filmmaking. I need to i even drawing um some something creative. That's what feeds my soul.
00:44:51
Speaker
Otherwise if I'm not feeling inspired just watching a comedy movie or something like get your mind off of all the bullshit, you know Watch a fucking show that's gonna make you laugh like just at least for the moment I think my go-to mechanism is kind of Kind of not in par with the rest of the group and maybe it is who knows but my go-to mechanism is uh, I want to i want to I want somebody to hear my feelings. yeah I want them to hear my feelings. I want them to sit there, shut up and listen. And I need somebody to tell me it's okay to feel that way right now. Take a deep breath and walk away. After I can unload and quit internalizing, I typically can get back to to a baseline, back to a zero. right like um Even if I'm out,
00:45:38
Speaker
doing things I enjoy or being out in nature. like those are that That to me is fleeting happiness, because when I walk back into whatever it is, like my problems still exist and I'm still walking with them alone. So for me, a good mechanism to to find relief is to share my problems with somebody else and just, hey, this is the bullshit I'm dealing with. Do you have a time to listen? like I just need somebody to whiteboard with and talk through. I'm the same way.
00:46:09
Speaker
I'm with you on that. I'm an overthinker. like I will overthink the simplest fucking things and I will run to worst case scenario right off the bat. it did I'll admit it. I know it it's a downfall of my own and I work, I fucking work on it.
00:46:26
Speaker
Every day, but man if you got that one person or two people or a couple people that like you can call somebody and be like hey I got to work like that is I got to get back to baseline zero So if I'm im blue because some did some days you just wake up blue and that's okay But you can just wake up and be like today sucks That's fine. That's it. Every that is something people feel every fucking day and you're going to get through it. But yeah the best way to get through it is know how to get through it. And for me, if I'm wake up and I'm just like, man, just can't get going today, whatever it is, what whatever has happened or whatever chemical imbalance is off inside me that is making me feel that way. I know if that's happening, I got it.
00:47:11
Speaker
I gotta get the phase line zero. I gotta to get back to the basics. So if that's, hey, find some time to go take a walk today. If that's, go sit outside. If that's, man, this is something that like you can explain. Find somebody to tell it to. Find somebody to talk to. Talk therapy is fucking so good for the human mind.
00:47:32
Speaker
So like that's me. like Now that I am so much more aware of feelings and emotions and I have taken the time and the steps to learn it and be taught it and how to understand it, I can put what I've learned and taught and paid to learn and shit. I can put it there at work and I can wake up and I'm like, man, after an hour, so you know how your feelings are going to go for the day. Unless something crazy happens, you know, all right, I'm going to be in kind of this mood. if That's how your day is going?
00:48:02
Speaker
Just talk and go, okay. All right. I'm not, I'm not getting any better. I'm not the day. The day's kind of a drill. Like it's cloudy in my brain. Like, damn it. Try to get back to phase line zero. I mean, that's what I, like that that helps me focusing on that.
00:48:16
Speaker
getting back to phase lines here and how do I get back? Do I need to talk to it? Is it something I can explain? If it's something I can explain, talk therapy with anybody is probably somebody you can safely do it with is probably a good one. If it's something you can explain, if it's just something that's there, that's making you, ah, go try to change that chemical makeup, get natural light into your eyes, get exercise, sweat.
00:48:42
Speaker
fucking if you got a partner go have sex bang it out like get those chemical things going because if you sit in the cloudy day it's just gonna remain cloudy but being aware that it's cloudy but knowing Hey, if I get the phase line zero and again get the bed tonight, when I wake up tomorrow, maybe my chemicals are back normal. Maybe things are better again. And so you got to make that effort to get there. Because without the effort,
Ending on a Positive Note
00:49:10
Speaker
you're not going to get there. So you ah to me, I take it out and burn to myself to get back to that, knowing that I can do it. I just got to find a way to get there. I love it. I absolutely love it. i love I've loved every minute of this discussion. So before we get to the quirky closeout,
00:49:29
Speaker
I wanna know how important ending each day in ah in a good mood and a happy mood is is to everyone. like Do do do you you feel that that is how you should wrap up your day? Or is it okay to go to bed blue and wake up and and attack the next day?
00:49:51
Speaker
I think going to bed and attacking the next day works better for me than trying to resolve issues that sometimes you just can can't fucking resolve them at the time, you know, going to bed and waking up with some clarity and in in peace. he Yeah, you need you need sleep and it gives you mental clarity to just get out of the moment and come back to it. You know, you can't you can't resolve everything in one day or one moment.
00:50:21
Speaker
Just take the fucking breather and let it settle and then work on it the next day. I do a really honest journal before bed. Like if i if it's a shitty day, even good days, I'll do a journal. But if it's a shitty day, like it's it's important to me to do a very honest journal before I go to bed. ah Like how am I feeling? What made me feel that? What happened? A very honest reflection of that day and my feelings towards it And then get the sleep, get that seven, eight, nine hours of sleep and wake up and I'm with Tyler on that one. Just get the sleep and go. Cause I mean, I don't know what the study's at. Lame in terms from what I've heard and whatever. Journaling is a great way to get your emotions out there. And then sleep is so important to your psyche that like I take those steps. I wake up and most of the time it's very rare anymore that I have two blue days in a row. I do. It happens.
00:51:17
Speaker
And I know that's a normal thing, so I got to get to zero again. I got to work ah hard the second day to get back to zero. A lot of days that I would seem, cause I mean, I'm married, I've been with my wife a long time. So it's normally if I'm having a blue day or a bad day, it's because her and I aren't vibing very well or jiving together,
Bucket List Vacations and Closing Reflections
00:51:35
Speaker
you know?
00:51:35
Speaker
We have these days where we're just kind of, we're picking at each other in some way, shape, or form, or we're not seeing the right angle for each other. so But honestly, I would rather resolve that to the best of my ability before bed so I can sleep. Because for some reason, and I don't know if it's because of what my mom told me when I was young, she said, never go to bed mad.
00:51:57
Speaker
you know So, I mean, we try to get to the common ground, but yes, we do pick up the next morning where we kind of left off and try to resolve and patch whatever work needs to be fixed, you know, but I would say at least try before bed to clear the conscience. Journal one's great. My wife and I, we do a devotion at night, you know, and we pray and I honestly been getting better sleep that way. Absolutely. Well, I wanted to, I wanted to kind of close out our our thoughts on happiness with how we close out our days. So I appreciate everybody's input on that.
00:52:28
Speaker
and i'm i'm I'm in the camp of ah the more time you spend up and exhaust on something, the less productive it becomes. So I think i think if you if you can get to a solution quickly, then go for it. But if you can't, then put it to bed, wake up the next day with a clear mind and and go after it.
00:52:48
Speaker
So yeah, dude, everybody, a great contribution through this episode. Ab Fab absolutely loved this episode. and And I hope our listeners understand that what this episode was for is just how important happiness is to your daily life. It's it's it's the baseline of how you run your family. It's the baseline of how You navigate the world. um It's where you're you're most productive. So I think the important takeaways are are find a way to your to your happiness, find ways to maintain your happiness, and and kind of equip yourself with a toolset to combat things that work against your happiness. With that said, if everybody's ready, I think it's quirky closeout time. It's time.
00:53:33
Speaker
Do it! Come on! All right. All right. So today's Quirky Closeout isn't that quirky, but it's it's along the lines of last week's closeout with a bucket list item.
00:53:49
Speaker
Bucket List Vacation Spot. So I'm gonna pick up on our pre-recording topics here. Bucket List Vacation Spot. So I will go ahead and launch first New Zealand. One, I'm a Closet Lord of the Rings fan. I love the Lord of the Rings. Two.
00:54:11
Speaker
Two, you can hunt red red stag, which is one of the largest deer species in the world. You could snowboard in the morning. You could drive to the coast and surf all within a 24-hour period. New Zealand is one of the greatest countries in the world, and I will go there before I die. That is, man, how can I beat that? and i don't i i don't I don't think much about travel, but I'd love to go to Nepal one day.
00:54:40
Speaker
he stole my answer you fuck yeah really i love i got come on with something else we we can go together you know like are you going is going are you going to climb Everest or are you just going to Nepal?
00:54:54
Speaker
duve i mean i'd love to go to the mountains i'd love to just i don't know there's just something about it the people the culture and like Okay. <unk> in the world and You had to choose the one I was going with. I love it. I love it. but Why do you want to go it to Nepal, little foot? All right. So when I was first sorry, my dog is barking in the background. I don't know if you can hear him. um When I was first getting out of active duty, I had this whole goal in mind to hike the Himalayas and not do fucking Everest because that's insanity. But at least just the point.
00:55:26
Speaker
Like the Himalayas and you still get, you know, the scenery and you're still accomplishing something. It's it's awesome. It's beautiful. It's peaceful. And it's challenging. So ah a big part of me drops that whole idea when I started having a shortness of breath and panic attacks and anxiety and all this stuff. But I'm I'm on this whole like redemption tour in my mind. so Like I want to accomplish the things that I sit out that might still scare me or might seem you know out of the question. i'm I'm just going for it. So before I die, I'm doing it, man. And I still think I'm at a pretty good place physically. like I think I'm all right. Dude, let's go. Let's go, Brandon. what so So wait, wait, wait. Before Matt goes, before Matt goes, I know we've got the 2025 link up. for the We haven't teased that to the listeners. But later in the year, we're all going to get together. We're going to record an in-person episode.
00:56:24
Speaker
in a special place that we've already chosen and we'll divulge that later. But I'm I'm thinking 2026 we either hit Nepal or baby steps with we we climbed Kilimanjaro. Oh god. Listen bitches there's a price tag with that shit and michaelmanjaro like but that's why I put Kilimanjaro in there that that's actually relatively inexpensive as far as Nepal.
00:56:50
Speaker
Kilimanjaro also requires less training, but it still gets you above, ah I think it's ah it's a 14er, and you it's the path is not as treacherous as some of the Himalayan stuff. So like, and and a normal person can can hike Kilimanjaro. We can revisit this topic. and Okay. ah All right, all right, Mac. I'm all bored, but we need to revisit this topic that later. Dream vacation spot.
00:57:15
Speaker
Oh, we already talked about it before the recording. Our certification includes you fuckers because what we're doing is we're going to Argentina to skydive out of a cocaine plane.
00:57:47
Speaker
If we end up in Argentina, we'll figure something else out if we can't do those things. I'm sure that those are all highly illegal. We'll probably never do it because no one wants to go to jail in a foreign South American country. But Argentina, man, we got Argentina. Fucking eight. Yeah. The Andes Mountains, bro. We can we can hike Argentina, too. there Yeah. Yeah. I'm Argentina. It's somewhere that I have. I don't know. I don't know. It's somewhere I've always wanted to fucking visit. So.
00:58:18
Speaker
that's That's it. that's That's my bucket list trip. And I don't honestly even know enough about the culture to fucking tell you why I want to go there. But it's a place I want to go. I like it man, I like it. So I think this might be my favorite episode so far. I really think, ah you know, we didn't really ramble too much. We we hit the topics right where we needed to. It's a lot of good advice for dudes just looking to make it through the next day and try to find some self-fulfillment. If you guys have got anything, let's ah let's close this fucker out. Love you gents. Love you guys. Love you guys too. Love you guys. And we'll see you all on the next episode.
00:59:03
Speaker
Good morning, Jess!