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Episode 4: STRESS, BRO
42 Plays4 months ago
On today's episode, Mac, Tyler and Kalab discuss stress, both good and bad, and what we can do to manage it.
Good Morning, Gents! This is a podcast hosted by four Marine Corps veterans with the goal of uplifting men to be the best version of ourselves. In an age of high rates of suicide and depression, especially in the male population, we are taking a stand. This is a place that will cover all of the challenges and realities that we face in the current world, and how we can break down barriers to betterment for ourselves, our families, and the world.
A tragic suicide of our friend sparked an idea and experiment for us as we rekindled our friendship: A group text where we say "Good Morning" to each other every single day, and continue the conversation about what is going on in our lives, be there for one another, and spread positivity and reassurance. Men bear so much weight of responsibility in society that it is hard for men to have an outlet to express themselves. This has attributed to the vast number of suicides in the male population. We aim to cut those numbers down with this podcast. Between the discussions our hosts will talk about, and the guests we bring onto the show, we invite you to join us on this journey towards self-betterment for all.
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Transcript
Introduction to Stress and Anxiety
00:00:07
Speaker
good morning gents good morning gents welcome back to another episode today we're going to be covering a cool topic uh something that we all deal with in life and that is stress stress and anxiety something i think uh every modern person in america and the world deals with and certainly something i deal with so uh How are you guys doing today? What up, dude? Good. Good. It's early. So, you know, waiting for the two cups of coffee to hit my bloodstream and picking up some awake, but we're getting there. Yeah, doing good as well. Got my coffee cup full, tucked off in this soundproof sound booth equivalent of a co closet here so that we can get some good audio.
Vacation Speculations
00:01:04
Speaker
but i love that she do it very lae man there's uh there's science behind it there's a bunch of people that have guests on and they're always like hey do us a favor when you join go in the closet all the clothes hanging you know acts as dampers if it kills any echo and a reverb like yeah no i like this i like the commitment man what a what a week for this topic what a week for this topic so i'm i'm pretty excited to dive in i've had a week but
00:01:36
Speaker
as so also ah As the listeners are out there listening, Brandon is still on his vacation. And we haven't heard from him. He's a ghost. He's just gone. He's he's using the I don't have Wi-Fi excuse. So, well, ah I guess we'll see his tan ass when he returns. We're three musketeers. yeah go he's gonna be far You think he's having any flashbacks of the mew? Like you think he starts going on smoke breaks just to like pass on?
Military Experiences and Stress
00:02:05
Speaker
Dude, I've consistently said I will never go on a cruise, like, since the Mu. And everyone's like, oh, it's not like that. And I'm like, I don't care. I don't want to be on another fucking ship. I didn't want to be in the Navy. And then the Marine Corps was like, hey, I know you don't like the Navy, but we're going to put you on a boat. I also I hate flying since the Mu. Since every takeoff was over the damn water,
00:02:30
Speaker
Like I hate flying. I never bothered me before or during the Marine Corps, got out of the Marine Corps and now I'm like, I don't want to be on this plane. Dude, I am the exact same way. but The exact same way. I hate stressing anxiety. you want Yeah, you want to talk about stress and anxiety. that is you Sit on the back of a helo trying to land on a boat in the middle of the ocean and no one tells you what's going down. The water just keeps getting closer. Rudy recorded a video of me.
00:03:00
Speaker
landing on the baton with an osprey and it showed like I still have the video it's it's coming down and the left tire gets caught on the side of the fucking ship and the guy has to like lift us back up and then like we put us down and I'm like no that's that's fucking terrifying so then later in that deployment do you guys remember the fricking helicopter went down in the ocean flips off the side well that's had went bravo command and thank yeah was i own that like i was supposed to well that helicopter sunk and then the unit that was to replace us remember what happened to them They had, I believe it was an Osprey, I could be wrong, that lost power, dipped in the water after the chief, the crew chief and the other one dove out and they never found, was Lance Corporal, right? That dove out. Yeah, they never found him. So here's a tip for all our listeners. Don't go in an Osprey. God, no. but it's not even It's not even Osprey's dude. I've i've i've had anxiety since 2013 to Florida. We went down to Africa for a little bit.
00:04:12
Speaker
And when we made that land and well, the first time we made the pass, the bird dropped chaff and flare because we were in targeted. And I was like, no, thank you. I'm done flying. What what did that happen? That was before you joined. 2013. Yeah. All of a sudden you hear two, two, two, two, two, two. And you see glow out of the light windows of the C one 30.
00:04:35
Speaker
pilot pulls up do a bit hard you hear the motor start screaming it shoots in the sky we do this hardass banking loop and then it he plunges it to the earth in a nosiveve and then next thing you know the brakes are getting locked up because he did i sick as my combat combat landing bro Holy shit.
00:04:54
Speaker
We were doing those coming in on the heels. So when I so so when i started on the mu and started doing Ospreys, my anxiety was already there. I was like, I don't want to be in an airplane. I remember the C-130 leaving Afghanistan. i would pick like I was sick.
Understanding Anxiety and Stress
00:05:13
Speaker
It was really rough. like i you know I was sitting on the side of the plane.
00:05:20
Speaker
And I don't know, I had really bad motion sickness and like the guy was a fucking insane pilot. Just fucking felt like he was doing insane maneuvers in this thing. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I'm going to die. The Huey, you guys, I can't remember the pilot's name, but he, he played college soccer, a really cool dude, but he flew a Huey and, um, he invited me to go do runs with him one day. Like, sure. So I jumped on that thing.
00:05:47
Speaker
Dude, that is where my fear of flying, not fear, but like high anxiety of flying, because we were doing true combat runs and I was so sick. after these run like I got off and you guys know Freddie I get off the bird and Freddie's at the end of the the flight line waiting for me to walk across the flight line and I get it off the bird like I don't I just know like my feet are touching something solid at this point after like going body weight like nothing left I'm floating around this Huey and uh I'm gonna sit next to the 50 cal on it so my ears are ringing in the Huey like
00:06:24
Speaker
I'm like a pale white and I'm a can of shit because we're in the Middle East. Pale white and I walk up and Freddie looks at me and Freddie goes, now you look sick.
00:06:40
Speaker
ah I had to sit down. It took me forever to recover from that. And from this day, like anytime I get to play and I'm like, here we go. Here comes that feeling again. It's just miserable.
00:06:56
Speaker
ah So yeah, flying is a stressor. can feels it for percent But there are other stressors and things that make us anxious. and like Yeah, let's get into it. Let's get into it. I did my homework last night and Google the difference in anxiety and stress. So we'll just start with a, I don't know if it's a textbook definition, but it's a Google definition. And and they come from the Mayo Clinic. So It's got to be mayo or mayo. Mayo, mayo. I don't know. Somebody tell us how you say that. I think it's mayo. Mayo, the Mayo Clinic. All right. So anxiety is an intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. This can be a fast heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, or the feeling of being tired or exhausted.
00:07:54
Speaker
ah Stress is a body and brain response to life's pressures and expectations It's a natural reaction to everyday pressures triggered by um unexpected events unexpected conversations expected conversations Expected events you can have two different kinds.
Work Stress and Coping Mechanisms
00:08:12
Speaker
I'm sure there's more this is just as far as I got so don't get mad if I don't read what you're thinking and You're going to have acute stress, which is short-term, such as taking a test, going in for a job interview, skydiving, a helicopter diving for combat landing. Or you can have chronic stress, which is a long-term feeling of stress every day, which would be more like financial issues, marriage, relationship issues, work, school.
00:08:44
Speaker
um things that of that nature. So let's ah with those Google Mayo Clinic definitions, let's let's roll hot. What do you guys want to start? You want to go personal stress or work stress first slash anxiety?
00:09:02
Speaker
oh I think we're stressed a little lighthearted, so let's let's start there and then we'll move into the the personal ones. still Some of the examples of work stress that like I deal with on a daily basis is is dealing with superiors in a like in an egotistical world and being able to push back on that, right? Because I'm ah i'm kind of a type A personality, personalityity so when I work with superiors and I work with superiors on ah on a very high level at my company. And like I ah developed products for board of directors, COO, CEO, president, CSO,
00:09:43
Speaker
Uh, the, the VP of HR, et cetera, and, you know, their subordinates all the way down to frontline supervisors, but it's always a stress for me, like, how to be tactful and how to have address certain situations and how to. Like, navigate those.
00:10:02
Speaker
I know how I would have done it in the Marine Corps versus how I do it now and it's just like I sent an email and and like it's not always what they're wanting or what they're they would like right and it's not always pretty and I'm like man is this gonna be the one that gets me fired for just doing my job like And that's that's a big stress for me at at work. So like this week, I ah had to create like four different slide decks for the board, the CEO, and then a bunch of business business of owners. And I had to present out on a couple of them. And it's always a game of like Stump the Trump, or you know Stump the Chump.
00:10:47
Speaker
being the lowest ranking person in there, it just it it's a weird vibe and it it adds a lot of stress. i After those meetings knock off, like my week turned into like gravy. So like after Wednesday, I was great for like the whole week before, like, or the whole few days before it was just real gnarly. that's That's a big word stress for me. It's just, I guess, organizational interaction.
00:11:14
Speaker
I won't get too much into current work stress because of the machine I work for currently. um Talking negative of them could be a huge stress on me later on down the road. so and i don't I don't want to risk that. so I won't get into my current work stress and the monster that it is and can be at times.
00:11:35
Speaker
um but I can get into stress that I dealt with highly, which is, was a lot more than what I deal with now. Currently I deal with short term stress. That is I can be over it in an hour, fix it. It is to deal with stress current. and My current job is more of, you just have to take a breath. What is right? I'm going to go do what is right. And then you got to be a competent in that decision. You got to know that.
00:12:07
Speaker
you might get in trouble, you might not, you might get talked to, you might get written up, it is what it is. But as long as you're doing the right thing, it kinda helps even that stress out and that's kinda how I live.
00:12:19
Speaker
my professional life at work right now to manage that stress and not let it really get to me too much because I'm no longer working the road. i don't I'm not a police officer anymore and that I was for four years. And that type of stress was a ah very acute stress and pendulum of high, high, high stress. And within less than an hour most times you are back to sitting in your car and breathing going to a ah different type of call you're back to taking
00:13:00
Speaker
a simple fender bender instead of holding some person at gunpoint because he's got a knife in his hand um or deciding, am I going to put taser on this guy or am I going to get into a physical altercation with this guy? So those are stresses I'm sure, and I've never been a firefighter, but I'm sure Tyler deals with a lot of the same type of stress on that pendulum, which for me over those four years of dealing with it,
00:13:28
Speaker
And of course, you go home. I worked evening shift, so I got home late. So my um daily routine is was different. it was a or And when I worked midnights, it was different. Like i'm I'm up half the night or I'm up the whole night, so your body is not designed to do that. So that stress alone on my body really, those factors really built into a higher anxiety rate um on other things outside of that, that I could feel the physical change of that. And of course, being from the Marine Corps, where you're taught a certain way of how to deal with situations, you can't always deal with a situation like that um when you're working the road. um no it Not everybody wants the Marine Corps answer, the Marine Corps way. And I never really took that time to transition well. It was like Marine Corps, actually, i
00:14:20
Speaker
joined the police department before I was technically out of the Marine Corps um just because of the way leave fell. So I was ah was hired as a cop and was still in the Marine Corps for about two weeks overlap. So I never even took a break um going from one to the other. And the Marine Corps is very good at teaching you how to be on time, show up on time, do your job.
00:14:45
Speaker
and do it well and look and dress and be professional. But when you're talking to society, You don't get to be Marine Corps. um Now, when bad guy wants to not do what bad guy's supposed to do when you show up, Marine Corps comes in ah very handy at times. what those Those things you learned about dealing with people in conflict come in the hand come into handy. But that was, and for my life, balancing family. because i had ah When I was working the road, I had young children balancing a marriage
00:15:24
Speaker
balancing the job. um I was lucky on the job. I had a dad who was a great mentor who I could call a bitch all I wanted. He would listen and he would give me good advice. Whether it was advice I needed or advice I wanted, it was always needed. And then I had great field leadership. Not all, I will say, I didn't have great leadership all the time. And when my sergeant was gone, there were times where it was like, that was a stress in its own, not having mye my guy there that I knew would back me. ah I worked with some really good officers, but I also worked with some that that was another stressor.
00:16:10
Speaker
you show up things and you dealt with your coworkers who could add stress to your situation. Um, because if it's a situation where it might break bad and you have to worry about your coworker, like that amount of stress right there is enough. And I'm sure you know the same thing, Tyler, you're shaking your head. Yes. And I don't know how it is in the fire department. anchor percent Man, if if you got to worry about the guy who's got your back, supposedly got your back, dude, that stress starts going out the window because now you're like, now you're thinking, I got to call somebody else. I got to get another cop here. And is he going to get here in time or is this going to all be on me? And is this person going to F up and are they going to get me hurt because they're not confident in their job like that, that kind of stress. And then dealing with that call and then going,
00:17:00
Speaker
to another like fender bender 45 minutes later. And you got to like switch it to that, that those stressors really started to take a part and we all have anxiety, right? I, there was a general anxiety that affected me before that just by my own pressures put on me, that kind of stuff that really not sitting down and learning about what it was and how to deal with it really took a toll
00:17:31
Speaker
on personal and professional life for me for a while. But ahll I'll stop jamming. and I could could probably go all day. I'll let Tyler get in on it. Well, you touched on a lot of similar things that I feel. Firefighting stress comes from so many different things. Like for me especially, I think as somebody who already has pre-made anxiety and you know PTSD trauma from the past, shit like that. I would say the biggest things like the unknown, the unknowns for the day, because every day you come into a shift and anything could happen at any moment. you know You're just waiting around essentially for emergency calls um and that's on top of
00:18:20
Speaker
you know, the day-to-day stuff that, you know, is scheduled for you, like training, just day-to-day operations, stuff like that. But as soon as the emergency calls come in, it could be anything, you know, 90% of the time you're getting some dumb, you know, fire alarm or, you know, we have ambulances and we work as EMTs also, yeah dumb ambulance calls, but then one random day it's four in the morning and you get jolted awake and it's a,
00:18:46
Speaker
cardiac arrest for a 22 year old kid. It's in those moments where like, especially at night when, you know, nothing's going on. And then suddenly you're jolted out of a dead sleep or like half sleep and your heart is just pounding. And you have to just immediately start thinking and respond. Like it's, it wears your body down. There's no, oh, let me just like take 10 minutes to, you know, get ready. Like you could do in the civilian world where you know You have to immediately know what you're doing, where you're going, everything, and do your job. like it's Tons of stress just comes from that. That's another reason like why my sleep is so terrible. I'm never fully asleep. um'm I'm laying there and I'm snoring. I'm in a half-sleep. It's really hard for me to flip the switch between work and home. I work full 24s and then
00:19:44
Speaker
I come home, I usually, you know, immediately hop in the shower, change over. If it was a really rough night, maybe I'll get some sleep at home. Usually I'm going to my second job, um work for a mental health agency, and then come home and it's like, you hardly have any energy to do anything depending on the day you had at the firehouse. And just trying to like create energy out of nowhere, because you're so drained is like so tough, especially if you have life situations going on at home or like any kind of, you know, plans that, you know, me and the wife made, you have to like muster up all that energy to do it, but it just wears your body down. I don't even, man, I don't work a road anymore. So I get my sleep. I'm not married anymore. So I don't have to deal with that. Someone else depending on me at the moment says my kids, but the, when you had a hard shift,
00:20:45
Speaker
And you went like, I remember a shift where we got reports of a guy with a gun walking around a church, not an active shooter, but it's still like a populated area. And as a police officer, you got to go. Um, whether that is.
00:20:59
Speaker
it We never found the guy who knows if it was true. But that was a thing where it's like, all right, we got to search this area. And now you're searching a whole area thinking a dude with a gun is going to pop around the corner. So you got to be ready when he walks in. And as soon as that call was over, we're back in this church parking lot. Everyone's kind of taught my whole team was there um because you take that stuff very seriously. And if there's a guy with a chance to think that a person with a weapon is there,
00:21:25
Speaker
multiple officers are going because you're not letting somebody deal with that alone. um Good guy always wins. That's the rule. There is no other rule. Good guy always wins. Good guy always goes home. that That's the rule. So you do what you can to make that rule happen. And I remember this call specifically because it both turned out fine. um Nothing crazy happened.
00:21:48
Speaker
in either of these calls I'll start with that but we deal with that in a July August heat and You're hot. You're sweaty. You're already disgusting dealing with weather. It's the first call of the day So we do all that and as soon as we're winding that down like okay, this is what happened This is what we're in the middle of us doing the quick debrief after what everyone found a stabbing comes out that is miles away, still in our area. So we're all up. We got to go deal with the stabbing because the guy's still getting chased by the person that stabbed him. And it is five o'clock at night. Now where I worked five o'clock at night is bumper to bumper traffic. So now you got to get six police officers through bumper to bumper traffic lights and sirens to a guy that's been stabbed. You don't really know his wound yet.
00:22:39
Speaker
and all you know is he's been stabbed he's bleeding he's calling for you to come help him and the person who stabbed him is still stabbing you in the in the in the very plain and simple way to explain it that is what's going on and so your brain has just done one call you're winding down a little bit and now all of a sudden you're back you're you're all the way to the top again and it starts with that drive it starts with that that tone drop in the the headset, and every cop knows it, every firefighter knows it, that tone drops in your heart rate to this day, and I've been removed for the from the road for four years, if I hear a tone that stops like that, I stop walking. I stop walking and I listen to what the tone is. it is it is It's like a gun going off for a track runner. Dude, it's it's like we've been programmed like dogs. Yes, yes, it's exactly what it is, and that tone drops
00:23:32
Speaker
Your anxiety shoots through the roof. Your stress is boom. You don't even notice how hot it is anymore. Everybody jumps in the car. Of course, everybody's on the radio. And you're in now you're thinking about the call you're going to. Is this where I have to take lethal force? Is this what's this going to look like? Who's with me? who Who are the other officers going with me? And then you've got to get there. If you've never, and I know people drive fast,
00:24:01
Speaker
But what people fail to realize is when you're running lights and sirens, people slam on the brakes. It is, you want to play, and I mean, you drive a firetruck, so I can't even imagine. I just had to explore, bro. i You want to play Mario Kart real life, run lights and sirens in heavy traffic. ah yeah mean you You have got to be,
00:24:20
Speaker
every sense has to be going and you have to be able to react and deal and just operate. You can't lose your head. So, and you just got to operate in the scary things. You get used to it. You don't even think about it anymore. And so then when you go home, I'm with you, Tyler, when you go home after days like that, when you went from call to call a call and maybe you dealt with death. I mean, it's never easy dealing with death, whether you know the person or not.
00:24:47
Speaker
maybe you had an officer get hurt or a firefighter get hurt. Maybe you yourself got no physical altercation with somebody and like that stress is hard to come down from. This isn't a bar fight. This is a fight for your life because they know who you are. They know what you're doing in every fight you get in. There's an opportunity where somebody gets killed. And so the you going home after that,
00:25:11
Speaker
And it's a lot better now, man. There are people out there like Travis Howes, who are fighting the fight on getting departments, fire, EMTs, police, getting departments going, this is killing us, because it does. It might not kill us on the job, but look at all the statistics. Cops, firefighters, railroad workers, because of the hours and the amount of weight, I mean, working the railroad ain't easy either.
Seeking Help and Overcoming Reluctance
00:25:38
Speaker
It's killing men and women five to 10 years after they get off the job because they don't, and I'm not an expert, so I don't know. But my imagine is a, you become lonely because you deal with that stress with a team, right? Like, and you're not doing that stress and your body doesn't know how to respond. Um,
00:26:00
Speaker
And I'm not there yet. I'm not close to retirement. So, but I'm also not working the road anymore. and My stress is pretty controlled at work currently. So, but I, I mean, working the road that, that a lot of those daily stresses lead to a long-term anxiety, which now that I'm four years removed and I've actually sought professional help on help I didn't get from the Marine Corps, help I did transitioning straight into a police officer, help I didn't go get and I went, I've gotten professional help now. It's a lot easier to deal with. It is a, I can't say enough about going to see a therapist or a counselor and working through that um because we all need it. And if you, if you've done those transitions, you know what I'm talking about. And if you haven't gone to get the help, like
00:26:52
Speaker
I mean, you do you, but for me, I'm like everybody else, type A personality. I gotta be the most as athletic. I'm ready to go. like let Everything's competition, right? There ain't no competition when it comes to that. You gotta to go. You don't have to, but I suggest you go talk to somebody. Go find a professional. Tell them what you're thinking. Be honest about it. And that person's gonna look at you and go, hey, we got some work. And you're gonna go, what are you talking about? I feel fine. No, you're not fine. You're just used to it.
00:27:22
Speaker
Yeah, I think we did a pretty good job here, outlining some examples of stress that we see in our our workplaces on a daily basis, even got some family stresses in there that you're talking about coming home and you know having to raise children or deal with marital issues or you know, balance the checkbook, pay pay the bills. What are what are some things you you've guys noticed about yourselves that manifest as a result of stress, you know? I'm gonna get weird hair, but I deal with like ah flaky skin in my head, right? well would When I'm stressed to the max, dude,
00:28:02
Speaker
my dandruff is ridiculous and like I can't even like I can't do I can't wash my hair enough to get rid of it right that's a physical manifestation of stress that I know like hey Caleb like you need to take a step back and like evaluate what's going on in life, knock some things out, like kill kill the schedule, whatever it may be that's causing the stress, but like what what are some physical manifestations or even emotionals, right? Like there's, the I know periods of high stress that I'm i'm more likely to flip somebody off while I'm driving home, right? Like that's because I'm on edge. So what what are some, I don't want to use symptoms, but what are some things you've noticed about yourself that you've become aware of
00:28:45
Speaker
that are results of the stresses that we deal with on a daily basis, whether it's at home stress or, you know, workplace stress, whatever it may be. What are what are some things that you've you've become self aware of on that? I get really bad skin, just having dry, like, nasty skin that just especially the winter just pops up out of nowhere. And my wife's always yelling at me to put lotion on.
00:29:11
Speaker
Um, it's wild. Yeah, it really is. Emotional is huge for that. Like to, to bounce between the high stress and then de-stressing. I get very short tempered. I get angry. I blow up at like little shit that, you know, doesn't deserve to be blown up at. And it's all my regulation of like inability.
00:29:35
Speaker
to deregulate those emotions. it's It's going from such highs to lows to, you know, it's it's bouncing all over the place. And it's a huge struggle for me to deal with that. Having a therapist definitely helps being able to talk it out. But, you know, you look at the the damage that stress does like in career fields like this, um you know, heart disease and and heart attacks are like the number one cause of deaths in firefighters.
00:30:04
Speaker
Not sure what they are in cops, but I'm sure it's probably something similar. Just having a ah job like that where you're constantly going to these super stressful situations or just dealing with the insanity that could happen at any second, it's it takes a toll on you, whether it's in one year or 30 years. And you know that's not to say that working you know for our listeners, working a nine to five, just normal,
00:30:32
Speaker
behind the desk job isn't stressful too. Like, I mean, I've done that plenty of that too. And some of my worst panic attacks were just sitting behind a desk, like doing mundane shit. You know, it, it happens in weird ways. You know, we can't really explain it, but it, it takes a huge toll physically and mentally on you. So you have to look for the ways to work out your stress and get get some enjoyment out of life that will help de-stress you. I think for me, man, ah being self-aware now, being a lot like a lot of things have happened and changed in my life over the last two years, three years that have led me
00:31:19
Speaker
to grow and learn about myself in tremendous ways, and just being self-aware. I think I was always a little self-aware, but I also ignored a lot of things. I didn't own a lot of things. And now I own my feelings. I own my emotions. I own mistakes. I owe i own wins. So that self-awareness now is tremendously helpful in these situations. And for me, and I got people that have vouched for this for days,
00:31:49
Speaker
when I am under a lot of shifts, whether that is self induced or work or dealing with divorce or you name it. Um, I shut down. I will not ask for help. I will not seek help. It is, and you guys know me, you get me in a small room and we start talking. I'll talk all day, dude. I'll with with the people I'm close to, we could chitchat all day.
00:32:19
Speaker
But I will shut down even from those people. um It becomes a one man show. And how am I going to get to the end of this? And how do I make this stress go away? And that that is what it that that's my worst trait. That is a terrible trait to have because what I'm learning and what I've learned over the last Year two years three years is I've got to ask for help. I've got to go I got to text you guys or something like hey, not that any of you guys can physically help me right now But I'm at my fucking max I got this going on this going on this going on and this going on and you guys saw my list of shit I did this morning in 45 minutes I mean like and that's not like those those aren't stressors. Those are just daily needs. I'm gonna can be but I
00:33:09
Speaker
I like, I have learned that I've got to ask for help because I have, I've hurt myself. I've hurt not physically, don't none of that crap, but it's hurt me. It's hurt relationships. It's hurt, um,
00:33:26
Speaker
Mainly it's hurt relationships because people don't like it and people don't want you to shut down people who are your true friends Or truly love you or truly there for you. They want you to they want to talk they they want to hear What's going on? Like if you're shutting down people notice people are gonna know and they want you to tell them they're there for you And if they leave after you tell them what's going on let them They didn't they aren't there for the long haul and I've learned that I've had some, dealt with some fear of people leaving. Um, it was a, it's a long-term thing. but I think I'm always kind of dealt with in a way that I was easily to cut people off. And that was on me, like people don't, but shutting down was one of those things. It was like, I can shut down that relationship real quick by just cutting them off.
00:34:16
Speaker
And it comes from moving a lot as a kid in a nomadic style lifestyle. I just learned early that like instead of relying on people and asking for help, just do it myself. and like You're a one man show. and What I've learned later in life is I can't be a one man show. I can't shut down and I can't not ask for help. people Real friends want you to ask for help. Real friends want you to throw your burdens on them.
00:34:42
Speaker
and if they're not there to listen or help or just provide support, they're not your friends. Push them out of your life, move on to the next person. And that's, I've learned that the hard way. You guys, you guys knew me in the Marine Corps. I was very good at just taking shit on myself and moving forward and not, I mean, it could have been an emotional event and you weren't getting that out of Mac. I wasn't giving you any emotion. Marriage could have been trash. I wasn't telling you. You weren't knowing.
00:35:12
Speaker
Um, I mean, that led all the way up into the divorce marriage. Well, fell apart and one guy I work with knew about it. One calling them. My parents didn't know about it. Like I was dealing with that shit on my own. I wasn't going to put my issues and my burdens onto my friends. And so I think stress and anxiety, what that was the negative, the most negative way I could have dealt with it. Um,
00:35:39
Speaker
I have thrown things at you guys. I've thrown some things at family members and other friends now and I've gone to therapy and I've learned to ask for help and my stress and my anxiety have tremendously gone down. And you you don't even have to start, like you don't have to throw your big shit at people right away. Start with small things. You know, like if you need
00:36:01
Speaker
I don't know, man. Like if you need some encouragement going to run, but you don't want to burden somebody else with like running, this is a simple example and just text a friend and be like, Hey, I'm trying to lose weight or I need to get in better shape. I need somebody to run with me. Would you mind running to me once or twice a week? Guess what? The friend that they're a real friend sees what you're trying to do and we'll figure out a way to help you. They may not run with you, but maybe they call you once or twice a week and they go, all right,
00:36:30
Speaker
And man, you going running? You going to do this? you know like You got to be able to ask for help either big or small. And if you're not used to it or comfortable with it, I was there with you. You got to start small. starts I had to. I had to start real small. And it's grown to, well, it's grown to this. I mean, who else talks about this and then puts it out there on a podcast? like a year ago, I wouldn't have done this. There's no way in hell. I'd have been like, guys, we keep our text chain, but I, I ain't putting this out there and risking my emotional safety, um, for anybody to hear. So for me, dealing with stress in a negative way, and anxiety, what shutting down is far been gone. Um,
00:37:21
Speaker
and just swallowing it or boxing it away and not dealing with it. And that's that's not the way to do it. So if you're listening and you do that, please, please ask for help. It'll change the way you see life and enjoy life.
00:37:39
Speaker
I think it's just like inherent in men to not ask for help. like we We start with this basis of just like, oh, let me figure this out on my own and just deal with it in silence. Why do we, as being like providers and caretakers and you know family men and the the role that's supposed to be like the ah strong person like holding everything together, why do we not feel like it's okay to ask for help?
00:38:07
Speaker
you have to be able to lean on people sometimes. like You can't do it all on your own. it's I think it's a learned thing, man. like mean Most of our friends, like people I hang out with, people you guys probably hang out with, people I was raised by, are a personality. It is just inherent. like You are the protector and the provider. and Hold on, sorry, audience. It's societal, a lot of it. i so yeah A big thing I think it is, is we are not raised to be a strong community of men, we are raised to be strong men, right? Yes, absolutely. There's and there's an i there's an ideology of you provide for your own, you protect your own, you you stay, you know, strong men are isolated and put, and there's nothing wrong with this, right? But but but put family first and keep family foremost, to right? But the in a strong man's family, there's not another they man.
Socialization and Stress Management in Men
00:39:04
Speaker
right So to a strong man, there's no other men to rely on because his family is his world. So I think the the the family nucleus and like the family model model that is taught to men as they grow up by strong fathers is that of like, hey, you're in this walk alone,
00:39:28
Speaker
and it's not something that we've we've ever really witnessed. Nowhere in history do you really see like strong men coming together to to really um support each other. right like They come together for common mission or um governmental purposes or whatever that may be, but it's not like,
00:39:54
Speaker
It's not outside the Bible. There's not a lot of community where strong men support other strong men and walk through them in the dark times and in the good times. It's in the military, I guess, right? Like, I mean, I guess that's kind of where our bonds come from, but it's it's it's part of the the way we are we are raised, and most men are raised, is that hey, I take care of mama and the kids and that's it. you know So the son doesn't witness this dad talking to Bob next door and be like, man, the bills are stacking up. I don't know what to do. I'm just really stressed and I just need somebody to listen to. And yeah you know son also doesn't witness
00:40:42
Speaker
and dad unloading that stress on mom, right? And typically like dad doesn't unload that stress on mom. So as you grow up as a man, you you aim to emulate your father and but you've what most men see of their father is dad worked, dad paid the bills, dad protected us, but they don't see dad in a vulnerable state, right? So then when we're in a vulnerable state and laden with stress, we don't know how to cope with it. We don't know how to get rid of it, we don't know what, what am I gonna be judged for here or what am I not? And then we also, that adds stress. We fear societal's reaction of us being stressed. It's like this weird, like, ever evolving door that just, you know, my stress causes me stress. I love that you brought that up. That was such a good way of putting it, dude. Like, I could count on one hand how many times I saw my father cry.
00:41:40
Speaker
or like show like true emotion to like what was going on. Sheltered that shit in his whole life. and Your dad had the ability to cry? I don't know, mine did. But here here's the thing, me and you were raised by men who were very, very similar. And Caleb, I met your dad too. Very, very similar in nature. like ty Tyler, your dad was a cop as well, right? Yep. Yeah. still he great yep the Mine's finally tied when I do that. I tell people I'm retired and now he's working part time as a cop because he was too bored at home. When I tell people the man you meet now who raises grandkids and does all these like fun, goofy things and super relaxed and chill and happy. I'm like, bro,
00:42:27
Speaker
I don't know who that guy is. I love that guy. I'm so happy he's here and he's in my life because he's helped me so much now. But the man that raised me had a job and his job was to protect his family. Number one, you were not going to touch his family. You, we were always safe with that to provide for his family. His kids were going to have a better life than him and more opportunities than him. And there was no other there was no other way out. That's what he he was gonna provide. My mom was the same way. I mean, we're talking about dad's here, but my mom was the same way. She was gonna bust her ass to make sure her kids had a better life and that they were protected. That growing up, those are your superheroes, right? Like my dad does my suit. He's still my superhero and I still wouldn't fight the man. he ah To this day, I still believe that that old man would whoop my ass. But,
00:43:21
Speaker
That's what you learn from and that's what you emulate and that is what you strive to do because you had a good upbringing You're and you don't want to fail your own kids. So you got you emulate what you saw the differences we didn't see and knowing what our dads did right the work in the road now you've kind of experienced what they experienced a little bit right like you've kind of seen what they saw and I'm like Shit, how the hell did you do that?
00:43:47
Speaker
like you worked all that you did all that at work and then you raised three boys like damn and then you you successfully kept a marriage man my parents have been married i don't know a lot of math right now but for over 40 years like to do all that like you're still superman in my eyes like to be able to hammer that in and do that is incredible to me but the one thing i never saw my dad do and maybe he did it i'm not gonna speak for him but yeah I mean, when I was younger, I remember going to like get togethers and barbecues where guys you work with are there and their families were there. And you know, they drink beer, they chit chatted, blah, blah, blah. But the only time I saw him really hang out and relax with other guys, his friends, and I mean, there wasn't a lot of talking going on was when we would go hunting. I mean, I never understood until now, really, ah I got to go as a kid. and I enjoyed it.
00:44:46
Speaker
But like, I didn't enjoy it. Like they enjoyed it. They were, I mean, we couldn't see a bird for five hours and be 20 degrees outside. Not a real big word was said. And they were in their happy spot, man. They were, and it was just, and I look back now, i'm like they were hanging out together. Yeah. Maybe they weren't unloading life's shit on each other.
00:45:07
Speaker
but they were hanging out together and they knew there was another person right there with them that was supporting them and who they were. And if it took walking when it's 20 degrees outside, it's six inches of snow on the ground. And that's what they were going to do because that helped them clear everything going on. And I understand it now.
00:45:25
Speaker
I didn't understand it. I'm like, why do we do this? Why do we freeze our ass off to go shoot some birds? I understand it now. I get it now. It's exactly on my mind. And that's what we're doing here. We're just not freezing your asses off. So that's when you bring up Caleb, emulating what you grew up around. There have to be changes, right? Like you have to, you can emulate that and strive for that, but you also have to be able to go, okay, what about that? Can I improve? They work their asses off to give me a better life.
00:45:56
Speaker
How do I honor that and get a better life? And one way to do that is you don't have to carry your stress and anxiety on your own shoulders. You can you can greatly enjoy your life and be okay and not have to be the hard charging A personality quiet dude that your dad was. You can be that guy that does all the things he did and like, trust me,
00:46:24
Speaker
Protecting my family is number one. You can come after them like, I'm sorry, that that sucks for you. um But I can also sit here and have a conversation with you guys about real world, real world things. Yep, absolutely, absolutely.
The Dual Nature of Stress
00:46:42
Speaker
So Tyler, tell me your thoughts on good benefits of stress. Do you think that there is a thing and what what does that look like?
00:46:53
Speaker
Stress is good and bad. you know you We all know, and we've just been talking about all the bad signs of stress and things that it leads to, but stress keeps us moving. It keeps us um needing to achieve the things we're we're looking to achieve in our day-to-day, just getting up out of bed in the morning, getting yourself ready, putting yourself together, like making sure your work is is ready, homework, whatever you know whatever you have going on in life, you are holding yourself accountable through stress. And that's you know achieving what you need to achieve, um whether it's a workout.
00:47:33
Speaker
college project, a a meal for your kids, like you're you're doing the things you need to do because you're stressed about it or you feel the stress of that weight on your shoulders of needing to do it. If you just don't care about anything, then you're not able to get anything done and you're not going to do the things that you need to do in life. I think there's a healthy ah
00:48:04
Speaker
limit you know there's a there's ah healthy side to having some stress to keep you moving and motivated. Yeah, I agree with that. I agree with that. yeah You can fall off the left and right side of stress, right? The left side being no personal hygiene. You don't pay your bills. You're eating garbage food because it's quick and easy or whatever it may be. And you don't really care about anything. Therefore, you don't stress any repercussions or any negativity.
00:48:33
Speaker
So then like you become this un-contributing member to society, and and like there's ah there's a whole like rabbit hole you can fall into on the left, and then there's the right-hand side, which is like high stress, ah severe anxiety, you know like panic attacks in public. So i think I think stress is not something that you have to negate or you know remove completely from your life. I think it's something that that that does keep us driving forward, keeps keep success in the forefront of your mind, and success is measured many different ways, monetarily as ah as a husband, as a father. you know There's a thousand different ways to measure success there, but like stress keeps that that
00:49:21
Speaker
that success goal orientated and like it it makes you want to work towards it.
Techniques for Managing Stress
00:49:26
Speaker
um I definitely believe that that stress is a tool and I think it's also a hindrance. So I think you have to harness it and know how to navigate it. I know Max done a pretty good job working with some de-stress tactics and and things like that. um So I think maybe we segue into like, how do we offload this stuff?
00:49:50
Speaker
Well, my biggest thing, like if you're working with stress and you're not taking care of yourself, let's start there. If you're if you're feeling anxiety and stress all the time, let's start with taking care of ourselves. Do a little fitness. I don't care if you've never worked out before. Get a little fitness in your body. It's scientifically proven that the the thing. well I'm not a scientist, so I'm gonna fuck this up. But the um endorphins, whatever it is that are released into your system when you're doing some exercise are good for you. um You need those those are your happy drugs, your little exercise and yourself to feel better about yourself, you'll you'll be more confident. And for me,
00:50:29
Speaker
Working out doesn't take my stress away. It doesn't take my anxiety away. What it gives me is time to think about it because I'm i'm working out and I'm not going to stop my workout to go handle that stress. So I'm not going to emotionally react. I'm going to get time to think and then respond to that stress. I'm not reacting to it. I've thrown a workout in there that basically makes me go do something else. Now I might think about whatever stressing me out the whole time.
00:50:57
Speaker
But now when I come back and do something about it, I've had time to think about it and respond to it. um That's something I used to never do. I used to just react, right? React, react, react. Boom, I'm fixing this now. That that caused me more a stress and anxiety than it than going, all right, I'm gonna go for a run. I'm gonna go for a run.
00:51:17
Speaker
I get done running, is reacting the correct the correct thing to do or do I need to respond to this later? and that's that's that that For me, that's where the gym or physical activity really comes into play. Short-term things that I can do right then in the moment if it's getting high stress. I'm going to push this a little bit because my kids are getting wild.
00:51:37
Speaker
um go outside. If it's sunlight outside, dude, I will remove myself from the situation. If it's dealing with somebody else in my life and it's over the phone, I can put the phone down and I go outside. ah I'm just outside for a minute, taking a but deep breath, feeling the fresh air or um doing like the quick Huberman lab, double intake, deep breath through the nose. And right when your lungs are super full, you take another real quick deep breath and you exhale slowly. um You're probably, I'm probably out the rest of it. I got one kid making noise in the kitchen. I got the other one screaming. So I'll, I'll chime back in whenever we're finished.
00:52:21
Speaker
Yeah. I near near term ways like in distress is ah
00:52:28
Speaker
I did it v a like 12 week diaphoretic breathing, I don't even know what to call it, like treatment, like education series, like breathing on tempo, breathing to the very bottom of your diaphragm, go into it. It was kind of a meditation meditation technique and and the that's a really good way for me to just like,
00:52:53
Speaker
bring down my stress stress level in the moment. As far as offloading those long-term stressors you know before they become anxieties, I think it's it's sharing that for me. like I have to share it. like The more I hold it individually,
00:53:14
Speaker
the the more unhealthy it becomes. if if Once I share it with someone, and I'm not kind of great about sharing it, like that's that's the bad thing. I'm very self-aware, that's a good de-stressor for me, but i'm not I'm not disciplined with that. But like once I share something that's just eaten me up with my you know like eat me up and I share it with my wife like, man, like within five minutes of sharing that, like I'm like, ah, we're good. Like she knows I'm dealing with this. I know I'm dealing with this. She has some expectation of like why I'm on edge, like I'm good. So I mean, those those are some de-stress models the that I use is just sharing what's stressing me out and then like a a breathing and meditation, whatever your your your flavor is with that.
00:54:03
Speaker
And the third and final thing, and I've only done this once, and it was amazing. And it makes me want to do it more. um A float chamber, sensory deprivation chamber.
00:54:16
Speaker
And when I left that thing, physical stress was was gone. Emotional, dude, it was the best hour of sleep of my life. Emotionals and distress in general had been had been washed away. So and that's kind of my mechanisms. Tyler, what what do you what do you do? what do you How do you cope? How do you de-stress? Aside from like, you know,
00:54:41
Speaker
like what Mack was talking about, going to the gym, releasing endorphins, like even just sitting down, reading a fucking book or playing a video game, like giving yourself something to just like offload and just not think about everything going on in life. And also at my ah mental health job, we every Wednesday we have this lady come in and do Reiki sessions for veterans.
00:55:09
Speaker
And it's basically just like you sitting in the dark with your eyes closed and she'll just like lightly like touch her head or your shoulders in complete silence. And like, I know it sounds weird, but like you got to give this a try if you can, man. It's, I don't know what it is. It's your, all your emotions come out and you feel like a new man. When you walk out of that room, like sometimes you you might even fall asleep in there because it feels so peaceful, but it's It's pretty cool. I definitely suggest checking out doing some Reiki. I thought it was like the most bizarre shit when when I started. I thought it was a joke, but it's actually pretty awesome. So if you you find a Reiki session near you, try it out.
Building a Supportive Community
00:55:54
Speaker
Gotcha. All right. So stress, it's bad. It's good. It affects. It infects. It's everywhere. You're you're you're never going to not have it. It's it's life.
00:56:06
Speaker
life is stressful. Find healthy ways to cope with it. Understand asking for help is always the right answer. And I just I just hope this this session with us has kind of got everybody thinking about the stressors in their life and and kind of a game plan going forward. Well, this is the whole point of the podcast, too. You know, we are taking a stand. We are not falling into the ah traps that typical men fall into in life with just dealing with all your shit on your own. This is the whole point is to band together as men and work out our problems together, whether it's, you know, in our group chat or talking about on a podcast and now my dog's barking. So wrap it up, Mac. What's up? What's our quirky closeout? Like you guys got mine. Ask for help. yeah Get us some exercise in your life.
00:57:01
Speaker
asking for Like I said, access for asking for help is your number one. Just grab your balls and do it. It's embarrassing and it sucks and I get it, but just ask for help. If you've got true friends, they'll, you know what, you might be the one thing that changes them. Maybe they start asking for help too. So maybe you're the one that makes the difference in a couple of different people's lives. Um, and maybe you, you get your good morning texts just like I get every morning and it's the, it's awesome. I look forward to it. Um, and the variety. So ask for help all right and let's clip quirky close this out. Cause I got three kids and we're running hot already.
00:57:38
Speaker
All right, Korky closed out. Here we go. Socks to bed or not to bed? No fucking socks to bed. I cannot sleep with socks on. Fuck that. This is the question. Socks to bed. I didn't even know people wore socks to bed. Who does that? My wife. ah My daughters over here. go I wear socks to bed. Yeah.
00:58:01
Speaker
We are in alignment then. None of us are sock wearers because I despise socks. Yeah, I do. How does that lead to Steve? Like, don't you? I'm going to be honest.
00:58:13
Speaker
I despise clothes to bed, like I'd rather sleep naked, like the less restrictions in my life. Amen. Yes, yes. Free ball. Dude, just just let it go. Plus, hey, it's actually scientifically proven. Cool your room to 60 to 63 degrees, sleep naked. It will actually put you in a deep sleep.
00:58:34
Speaker
Just saying, for those of you that are having trouble sleeping, no socks. Take your socks off. Take your clothes off. Cool that room off and get to bed. Take your fucking socks off. Fix your stress by getting some sleep. All right, gents. It's been amazing this morning. You guys have a great day. Go seize this day.
00:59:02
Speaker
Good morning, Jen!