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Episode 13: Depression (Part 1)
34 Plays2 months ago
On this episode, we begin part one of a three-part series detailing depression and suicide. These episodes will be raw, and not hold back. We hope to help listeners in whatever way we can.
Suicide & Crisis Hotline: 988
Good Morning, Gents! This is a podcast hosted by four Marine Corps veterans with the goal of uplifting men to be the best version of ourselves. In an age of high rates of suicide and depression, especially in the male population, we are taking a stand. This is a place that will cover all of the challenges and realities that we face in the current world, and how we can break down barriers to betterment for ourselves, our families, and the world.
A tragic suicide of our friend sparked an idea and experiment for us as we rekindled our friendship: A group text where we say "Good Morning" to each other every single day, and continue the conversation about what is going on in our lives, be there for one another, and spread positivity and reassurance. Men bear so much weight of responsibility in society that it is hard for men to have an outlet to express themselves. This has attributed to the vast number of suicides in the male population. We aim to cut those numbers down with this podcast. Between the discussions our hosts will talk about, and the guests we bring onto the show, we invite you to join us on this journey towards self-betterment for all.
Email: Goodmorninggentspd@gmail.com
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Transcript
Morning greetings and Mac's camping trip
00:00:08
Speaker
Good morning, gents.
00:00:13
Speaker
Good morning, gents. How are we this week? For our listeners out there, there's no Mac. He's out in the woods sharing a sleeping bag with some other burly men doing manly things.
00:00:26
Speaker
So as you're driving to work, listen to us.
Weekly updates and spring preparations
00:00:28
Speaker
I need you guys to whisper sweet nothings. He'll feel them. Very much so. all right. Very much. Very much. right, Brando. How was the week, bud? Oh, dude, can't complain.
00:00:37
Speaker
ah its It's been pretty quick moving. ah Work has been fast paced, so can't complain there. had some pretty easy days, some ups and downs. Today, just been tackling laundry here at the house and got to work on some motorcycles, getting rid of that snow and salt on the roads, getting ready to get on two wheels. So it's been a good day.
00:00:56
Speaker
Heck yeah. Heck yeah. Tyler, what about yourself? Had our annual fire dinner last night and we played the video for the year in review that I've been working on for the past couple weeks now, and I'm relieved it's done.
00:01:11
Speaker
It's just so much work doing this kind of stuff, so I'm a pretty relieved that I don't have to work on it anymore. Yeah, dude, I watched it. You shared it on a few few platforms. it was It was pretty sweet.
00:01:22
Speaker
Thanks. It was really good. Yeah, there was two parts to that.
Anticipation for Phoenix conference
00:01:26
Speaker
The little creative intro was the Sopranos thing, but then we had little montage, and I had to show photos and videos from the year. That part was a lot easier,
00:01:34
Speaker
but um the the hardest part honestly was just trying to scrounge all the footage because people were so uncooperative and like getting me any kind of content so yeah it's it's whatever i'm just glad it's done dang first responders yeah yeah my week was pretty good um average pace nothing too crazy um Almost my entire office was out of it out of office at least Monday through Thursday, if not all the whole week.
00:02:01
Speaker
So I was alone and unafraid. And we're all prepping for a big conference that we're have we host down in Phoenix four times a year. It's like an operational sink.
00:02:14
Speaker
So I'll be traveling to Phoenix on Monday and I'll be coming home on Thursday. So I'm kind of looking forward to that. I haven't spent any extended time in Phoenix, so that's going to be a new adventure. Sick, man. I'm jealous.
00:02:26
Speaker
I haven't been there. I hear it's warm. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, dude. iss supposed to be in the It's supposed to be in the
Introduction to series on depression and veterans
00:02:33
Speaker
90s. Well, before Tyler kicks us off here, ah wanted to just tell Mac, while you're listening, we miss you.
00:02:41
Speaker
Yes, we do. And you're a bitch. All right. All right. Let's get it, Tyler. Let's get it. This is an important episode, dude. This is a the beginning to a big one, right?
00:02:53
Speaker
Yeah, so this is something we've been working towards literally since we started this thing. ah We wanted to really dive into depression and suicide and, you know, the transition from the military and all that kind of veteran-centric experience, but also just a men's experience, ah first like a people's experience. This is something that tons of people deal with, and i feel like it's something that has impacted all of us on a Pretty big level.
00:03:25
Speaker
ah Definitely me being one of them. And so I'm kind of envisioning this being a three episode arc. I don't know if the episodes will all be directly one after the other, um but we will probably get the next two done within the next month or so, I'm hoping.
00:03:42
Speaker
um So we're going to kick it off talking mainly to start about ah depression and kind of like, at least for the military side, missing service and also missing war.
00:03:55
Speaker
And then for the next two, the next one would be um focusing on specifically suicide. And then the follow up, the final one would be the impact on family and friends. And we might have a special guest for that one. I'll keep you posted on that. But yeah.
00:04:10
Speaker
I'm envisioning this as a three episode arc. Absolutely. Absolutely. So listeners out there, just bear with us. If you know, next week we do a little lighthearted one to kind of change our, our mindsets. Well, this is a very personal topic for all four of us and it's, it's one we want to do justice.
00:04:27
Speaker
So um if we get some filler in between there, just please be patient with us. All right, Brando, do you think? What's the Mayo Clinic say? Definite the definition of depression is.
Family struggles with emotions
00:04:38
Speaker
Mayo Clinic's ah definition of depression is depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Deep feelings there, guys. Deep feelings.
00:04:50
Speaker
Yep. Yep. All right. I'm just going to we're going jump in yeah real quick here. Have any of you guys felt that way? Deep feelings of sadness, set man. Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Me too.
00:05:00
Speaker
So three for three, three for three. it's something we all experience. I can I can I think it would be hard to find somebody who can't answer yes to that, at least in some point in their life.
00:05:11
Speaker
So I think that's why this is a very important topic. Yeah. right, Tyler. I know this one's ah near and dear to you, dude. So let's let's where do you want to go from here? Where do we want to really dig in first?
00:05:22
Speaker
Well, I really want to start with like, where where does where do we get depression? Like, how how do we suddenly have this thing that seems to overtake our entire life?
Tyler's battle with depression
00:05:33
Speaker
So negating the whole military aspect, which we have all had that shared experience, um just as normal people. um It can come from family history.
00:05:45
Speaker
Like, for example, my mother and father both have a history of depression, especially on my mother's side. So it can absolutely go generationally. um You see plenty of people grow depression from seasonal changes.
00:06:01
Speaker
Things like family problems at home, marital issues, people with addictions. it's It can happen at so many different facets of our life.
00:06:12
Speaker
And it's really important to recognize it and try to figure out the root causes of it in ourselves and tackle what it is that's bothering us, that is getting us depressed.
00:06:26
Speaker
um For me, it's been... I've had chronic depression, man, for... a long time, like since I was a kid. And, you know, i would say my family is not good with mental health, as far as like recognizing it and being able to talk about it or work through those kind of issues.
00:06:46
Speaker
ah Personally, I've I felt like my, my dad, my brother are more like the I guess, super working class, macho men sort of view on life where like, you just got to suck it up and tough it out.
00:07:01
Speaker
And ever since I got out of the military, like by my whole outlook changed because I started having way more of these kinds of severe issues and,
00:07:11
Speaker
it It just, ah I was able to recognize it more. And and then I started getting, i started working in and veterans mental health. And like, I be became able to understand it so much more, which I had never done growing up.
00:07:26
Speaker
And like, even as my mom, who was long suffered with depression doesn't really seem to understand it. And as I started going through this myself, they weren't really able to help me process it or work through it. So I had to look elsewhere.
00:07:40
Speaker
And i kind of just found my way through other resources. But it can be really tough when those around you either treat it as a joke or just aren't helpful.
Upbringing and emotional coping
00:07:51
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Well, but let's let's back up and kind of chunk this one out. Family histories or family relation to depression. I'll go ahead and lead off on this one.
00:08:04
Speaker
Medically, from from a medical sense and just from it from an openness sense, I don't know. 100% that my life family's, you know, and I'm going to say family as immediate family, brother, sisters, mom, dad have been, you know, to a doctor to a therapist and said, that Hey, like you, you're dealing with depression, like, let's, let's work through that.
00:08:23
Speaker
But I can tell you, like, ah I know, at least from upbringing, I've watched my parents struggle with how to handle emotion or the lack thereof mostly. Right. And ultimately, like I know with my dad, I saw violent mood swings there for a while, you know, massive temper flare ups.
00:08:41
Speaker
um A lot of anger management issues comes down to like. insecurities and sadness right like it's not specifically i just get mad it's it's there there's other tendencies there and but i've watched even my dad walk through periods of sadness and serious you know periods of loneliness my my dad was married four times so you know there's nothing that says that a person's lonely than you know seeking love over and over again um So like from an upbringing in and an exposure standpoint, I think a lot of my struggles outside of military experience tie back to that of I didn't really know how to cope.
00:09:20
Speaker
I don't really know how to process feelings or anything like that. So yeah. Is that similar in anybody's thing as more the the nurture aspect versus nature being genetic, like nurture aspect of your your your upbringing?
00:09:35
Speaker
you think tied to some of your your stuff? i mean, for myself growing up here, we didn't know what mental health was. Maybe that's just a 90s thing. you know Growing up in the 90s, early 2000s, I don't know when it really became a more focused point of mental health in life. um not Honestly, I think my dad was did have it a little bit, I think, because he worked a lot. He'd just bury himself in work. He'd become like addicted to it.
00:10:03
Speaker
And I think that's where he hit a lot of his emotions, a lot of his frustrations. I'd see him get angry. um It was short fuse, but it was, it was quick. it, it fire off hot and it fizzled out pretty fast. But my mother, i don't, I don't think she was depressed a lot. I mean, in her later stages of life before death, I think she was more depressed about things and how she could have changed life. But that was post-military for me.
00:10:26
Speaker
Growing up, we were told to suck it up, man. Like, Boys don't cry. You don't freaking do this or that. You get out here and work. So honestly, i didn't know anything about depression or anything mental health really related until after post-military service or even during the military.
00:10:42
Speaker
Yeah. yeah laugh my mom My mom enlisted in 98, 99, or I'm sorry, 89, 88 89 and did 24 years as a single mom, most of them in a man's environment, dude. Like even there, like my mom came home tough. You know what I mean? Like it's not something where like...
00:11:01
Speaker
I was allowed to like, it's not that she was being mean about it, but it was just how, you know, it was it was her it was her environment and she raised me in her environment. So it's it's just one of those things like ah wasn't allowed to like kind of be sad or be coddled, right? so Yeah. And I'm not saying that it was like a ah mean environment that I grew up in like that. It's just, it's just what it, what it was, you know, we didn't talk about our emotions or share them all the time.
00:11:25
Speaker
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Impact of depression on daily life
00:11:27
Speaker
Yeah. Um, how many, what do you guys kind of fall off into these, um, depression seasons, we'll call them seasons or, or, or, or episodes from triggering events? Are they random? Like what's kind of your guys' experience with them?
00:11:45
Speaker
feel like it's definitely not like seasonal for me. Like it doesn't hit at certain points of the year. I would say, God, it's it's so hard to pinpoint.
00:11:56
Speaker
But for me, it happens in waves and it lasts a long time in those periods. Like it usually lasts like six to eight months at a time. And I have to like really break through it. There's been times where like it gets so bad.
00:12:11
Speaker
And I really have to just claw my way out of it. Like it takes a huge toll on me. But it's really hard to pinpoint like specific reasoning. You know, I think a lot of the life problems monotonies of life definitely don't and or like help it in any way.
00:12:29
Speaker
They probably make it worse. But then I think a lot of it is also like thinking back. Everything in the past begins to look fond. Even when i was going through tough times in my life, I have such a fondness of the past.
00:12:44
Speaker
And I feel like I cling to that a lot in my mindset. like with everything that I do. And i always feel like, oh, like I miss the way things were when this was going on or like when I was in this part of my life.
00:13:00
Speaker
And i just never feel content with the present, which sucks because like I feel like that's so important to, you know, be appreciative of where you're at in life.
00:13:11
Speaker
But for me, I've just always, always clung to the past and You know, I think that's a lot of people do that too, man, because we find an easier time because we're not pushing forward at the moment.
00:13:21
Speaker
You know, if we think on the past, we reflect, we see how we got through things. We see where we were at our our, say our strongest, our peak, where maybe we hit, maybe we feel like we hit that top rung of the ladder at one point in our life. And now we're just kind of coasting along with it. But So I can, I kind of feel the same way a little bit. I'm more of a seasonal when the sun is not shining on me a lot or it's cold for seven months out of the year.
00:13:47
Speaker
But I can honestly say that I can, I can see where you're coming from on on the thinking of the past and and clawing your way forward. You know, i I kind of bounce in and out pretty quickly.
00:13:58
Speaker
And I don't know, I try to keep things light and airy all the time with everybody. You know, i'll always try to be quick with a joke, but I kind of mask a lot through that. So I don't I kind of never know where I'm at, if that makes any sense at all.
00:14:13
Speaker
The beautiful thing about all this, Brando, is it doesn't really make sense. like And that's kind of where I'm at, man. it's ah Sometimes there's triggering events. Maybe you know it's a couple bills stack up you know Kids are being terrible for a week. and You know, me and me and the wife are kind of butting heads and it just boom hits a switch and I'm just in I'm in that funk.
00:14:37
Speaker
Sometimes it's, ah you know, it's thinking about the past. It's thinking about events. It's thinking about whatever it may be that that kind of, you know, chases you in those dreams. um But honestly, those for me are the easy ones. Those are the rational ones.
00:14:52
Speaker
And I can get out of those pretty quickly if they're if I can apply logic to them. um and The ones that scare me the most and the ones that the the slips that get me the the most worried are the when everything's going right and I feel sad and alone. um yeah Those are the ones that those are the ones that scare me because there's no reason for me to feel that way. But I do.
00:15:15
Speaker
Right. I'll stand in a room smiling and laughing and joking with people and like not be interested being there. Like it it's a Robin Williams kind of style syndrome where I don't know why I feel that way.
00:15:27
Speaker
when everything in my life points to I shouldn't. So um that's my, yeah. I'm glad you brought that up. Cause like, I, I feel like I get in those moods too. And there's nothing lonelier than that.
00:15:40
Speaker
You're like, you start to, at least for me, I start to like hate myself. I wonder like, why am I like this? Why am i the way i that I am? I see all these people acting normally living normal lives.
00:15:53
Speaker
And I just feel like I can't, enjoy being a human being. Like I can't be a normal person and I feel broken. Like I feel like I am not fit for society.
00:16:05
Speaker
And then as I feel this way, I start to look at my past and I say, you know where I fit in? I fit in when I was in the Marine Corps where people understood me and i was around like-minded people who were going through the similar things as me. We all shared similar experiences and I felt whole and I felt good about myself and I don't have that anymore.
00:16:28
Speaker
And that's okay, man. I mean, I think I speak for all of us when I say, I think we all feel that at moments in our life, even now, probably in even looking at some of the Vietnam veterans that I've talked to in some groups, you know, they feel the same way. um There was something you said there. And ever since I rung my bell, I can't keep up with some of these things.
00:16:46
Speaker
um Shoot. I totally just drew a blank, man.
00:16:51
Speaker
All right, brother. That's all right. Yeah, I mean, it's it's hard. It's hard. Like, let's be real. Like, it's it's fucking hard. um So that's kind of what we all experience. Let's um thank you guys for being real, sharing, right?
00:17:05
Speaker
Yeah. Putting yourselves out there.
Coping with depression: Forgetfulness and anger
00:17:07
Speaker
How, how do these, how do these episodes change everyday life, right? Bearing on life, bearing on work, bearing on your commute.
00:17:20
Speaker
Dude, when I am in an, when I am in a funk, I don't remember my drive from work home or my drive from home to work. What's scary is I dropped my kid off in there.
00:17:30
Speaker
i i literally dropped my kid off at school i'm like damn did i did i bring her lunch in and it's it's i don't know if it's coping magic mechanism or what but like when i'm in this like this funk i like my brain checks out dude i i can i can pay bills i can function at work but like i don't remember those actions like i probably should and i that's pretty scary so like i i guess what are your guys's experience when you're in one of these episodes is it uh are you Are you angry?
00:17:59
Speaker
you know do do you have Do you see your marital issues increase? um Are you forgetful? Does sometimes bills lapse? What are your experiences? like Let's be raw and real here.
00:18:11
Speaker
i would say for me, it's it's anger. I just get angry. Don't talk to me. Don't touch me. Don't be around me. If you get in my way, I'm walking over you. that It seeps out into everything. My facial expressions, how I drive, I become an aggressive driver. to become um aggressive with just casual conversation.
00:18:32
Speaker
ah But also sometimes I'll get withdrawn. I mean, extremely withdrawn. um And I won't remember conversations I have with people and people like, oh, you remember we're doing this? No, I don't really care either. I'll lose a lot of interest in things as well. You know, like, hey, I go into autopilot, basically, kind of like what you were saying there, Caleb, that I just go through the motions and I don't, I kind of just don't care.
00:18:57
Speaker
It's kind of the exact same way for me, exactly as you guys were describing it. Like, I feel like I just go on autopilot mode, start to disassociate with everything, every facet of my life. Like, I feel like I just go through the motions and not, I just get stuck in my thoughts and I just shut down, like, completely.
00:19:14
Speaker
And those drives that you were talking about, like, I i mean, luckily my my drive to the firehouse is 30 fucking seconds, so I don't have to worry about it there, but... When I'm just like driving somewhere else or going my other job or, you know, whatever the case is, i fucking zone out. And I'm like, I don't even know how I got here.
00:19:31
Speaker
Couldn't tell you. And, on you know, the unfortunate side of all this is I do get extreme anger, too. Never once have I, you know, but been like physically violent, have not ever, you know, hurt my wife. any Anything like that, not at all.
00:19:48
Speaker
But i get these extreme blow up anger moments just because i can't process the shit that I'm going through and i I don't know how to get it out or how to, you know, like my wife always wants me to talk more about it, write it down, you know, journal.
00:20:05
Speaker
And it's it's weird for me as an artist that I feel like I can't express myself in that way, you know? Like, I'm really good about letting emotions out through film, but I can't... And I'm actually a good writer, too, but I feel like I can't do the whole journaling, writing thing. It just doesn't make me motivated to do it.
00:20:26
Speaker
I'm very hesitant about that. And, you know, therapy definitely helps. to talk about the issues because I feel like I have a safe space with my therapist. And i I recommend that for anybody to go find that and not stop trying until you find the right one.
00:20:41
Speaker
But it's just like these moments of anger, just bottled up anger that you can't You just don't know how to process. And God, I just want to fucking take all the walls out of my house, fucking demolish the house sometimes.
00:20:56
Speaker
And it sucks that, you know, you feel this way. And that makes you even more depressed because you're like, why? Why am I like this? It's affecting me. It's affecting those who I love and who are around me.
00:21:09
Speaker
And that's when I'm like, i I wish I just fucking lived on Mars, dude. I wish I was back in Afghanistan, fucking in the middle of nowhere, because I just society just takes something out of me.
00:21:19
Speaker
Yeah, no, I get that. I'm going to, I'm going to give us a little quick op pause here for my experience towards you, because first and foremost, this podcast is for us and for listeners to help each other.
00:21:33
Speaker
So I go to a therapist every week, every week, every week, every single Tuesday at 2.30. I go through what's called prolonged exposure therapy. So I have to record each of my sessions and listen to them.
00:21:46
Speaker
Now, what that's a enabled me to do is share them with my wife. So this is my advice to you is maybe talk to your therapist, dude, and where you feel safe to unpack that, if their therapist is okay with you recording, that might be a safe way to to to share with your wife.
00:22:01
Speaker
So, all right, pause ended. I wanted to give you that little bit that I've done that has helped me because i didn't share with my wife for the longest time. All right, let's get back to it.
Addiction and depression
00:22:12
Speaker
Depressive, um depression-based bad habits, right? um I don't want to go down a stereotypical path here, but I mean, that there are some stereotypes that are are statistically accurate.
00:22:27
Speaker
Addiction, being depressed is tied to addiction. So who's dealt with addiction? i personally have have not, so I can't speak to this one.
00:22:38
Speaker
I mean, I did for shoot years ah from 2012 to 2022. twenty twenty two So 10 years, decade. I was an alcoholic, man.
00:22:50
Speaker
was literally hiding every emotion, every feeling that I had in a bottle. And i mean, you guys saw it. Once I got drunk, then I could let it out. i could I could do what I needed to do wake up the next day and not remember doing it and be fine.
00:23:04
Speaker
you know it was scary you know like what i could do to my body myself my mind and just wake up and just whatever and but i'll be fine today i'll go through it i'll do what i gotta do to get get on but and i've i've thought about it before since then you know since i've quit drinking in 22 um hurt yeah years um mean twenty three january twenty three so eleven years um i mean I'm glad I don't anymore. I can definitely bounce out of episodes a little faster, I think, without the addiction because it definitely keeps you there.
00:23:37
Speaker
And I don't recommend a bottle for anyone. And i do I do need to go back to counseling, I think, or therapy of some sort because I haven't gone in months. But yeah, addiction sucks, man. Yeah, for me. I'm sorry.
00:23:49
Speaker
Before we get to you, Tyler, real quick, Brandon, do you think that alcohol amplified the symptoms and your experience with depression? Oh, 100%. 100%. I mean, you'd wake up feeling worse the next day.
00:24:02
Speaker
Trust me. And then you got to figure out how to hide it even more from people. Thank you. Brando, are you I look back on some of these videos from like 2013 timeframe, me and you hanging out.
00:24:14
Speaker
And you kind of remind me of like Polly Occhi, the sad clown. Like it's, it's, it's weird because You were you do have a little bit of that, dude.
00:24:26
Speaker
It is. You cracked me the fuck up in those moments. And like even like watching the videos, like I would laugh and them be like, no, this man and like was in pain. Like I could see it and I feel it. And especially ever since like you stopped, like I I'm so glad like how far you've come.
00:24:43
Speaker
Thanks, man. Yeah. It means a lot to me. You all do, really. Yeah, man. And as far as myself goes, like I, ah I would say with like the nicotine, 100 percent was, you know, addicted.
00:24:57
Speaker
And as ah I mean, I've been clean now since January 1st, which is still a tough road, like even now. I'm happy to to have gone farther than I have ever before, so I'm just keeping it up.
00:25:11
Speaker
People have tried to entice me to to do it again, and I've shut them down quick. And so I feel okay with it now. And man, when I was going through rough, probably the toughest depression I've gone through in like 2019, I think it was probably mid to late 2019 is when I started going through like a serious depression and then into COVID when, you know, during the period when the whole world was shut down and I had to work from home and all that.
00:25:43
Speaker
I was, I would say probably borderline alcoholic. I don't know like where the, the, the, the definition is on like what defines an alcoholic. But I was doing probably i didn't really do like hard liquor, but I was drinking like a bottle ah and a half of wine a night for a while.
00:26:03
Speaker
So I would say I was I was close, if not there. And God, i I was just deep in depression, man, like like bad. And so that just fueled it.
00:26:14
Speaker
But I needed in my mind, like I needed something to get me through. And that was that was my vice. I sat there, drank wine and I played fucking piano. I was trying to teach myself piano because I needed fucking something to do.
00:26:26
Speaker
Occupy my mind. You got the harmonica. Yeah, try it, try it. No, dude. mean, even even now, i try to reflect and think on things because um I still try to do that stuff that you referred to, Tyler. I try to make people laugh. I try to keep people happy around me.
00:26:43
Speaker
And I don't know if that's just a ah a hiding mechanism so that people can't see my own pain, you know. But don't Still makes me happy a little bit, I guess. Yeah.
00:26:53
Speaker
You were fucking hilarious, though. Like, I hope you know that. Like, through it all, you were truly hilarious. Should have had shit. It still makes me laugh sometimes. All right. What else we got?
00:27:05
Speaker
we got ah We got a little positive spin towards the end. before we Before we we start walking through that that ah positivity route on um depression, I kind of wanted to ask a question that might key up later episodes, and I kind of just want to roundtable it real fast, and I'll start.
Longing for the past and its link to depression
00:27:22
Speaker
Have you ever had suicidal ideations? And I'll say yes. Yep. ah Yes. before Before we do move on, um i did want to bring up like destinational depression.
00:27:35
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it. So something that I think is very common with people who get out of the military, especially, but also other people too, is being depressed in the moment or place that you're at and longing for something else somewhere you've been or somewhere you haven't been yet that's not like the mayo clinic definition that's just my own definition but so like typical with military members or veterans um looking fondly at you know i miss my time in the marine corps nothing's nothing's been the same since i miss when i was
00:28:14
Speaker
On active duty, especially when I was in Afghanistan, that's when my life felt the most right. And so I'm forever seeking that high of that like feeling of my life stage.
00:28:28
Speaker
And I feel like that's very typical with people who get out of the military because you went in with a goal or maybe no goal, but you found something, some kind of purpose, and then you get out and you don't have...
00:28:40
Speaker
much of a purpose anymore unless you have like a very specific plan that you started working towards and achieved and you don't have it and you don't know what where you're going or what you're doing but you're looking for that piece that you had previously and then like I think about my wife who wasn't in the military ever She seems to always long to go somewhere else, somewhere new.
00:29:06
Speaker
She wants to travel and fly all over the world and constantly go somewhere new, and she feels stuck in her present moment. And I think a lot of people have that sort of depression, too, where they're they're constantly looking to go somewhere else that they're not at and wish they were not in their present situation.
00:29:26
Speaker
Yeah, i'll I'll jump in on this one. um I definitely experienced that. um I will say that I experienced both of them. The going somewhere they I haven't been kind of depression is not as deep deep rooted for me.
00:29:42
Speaker
It's more topical. Like it makes me feel unaccomplished or it makes me feel like I haven't fulfilled a wonderful life. Right. When I see a movie scene with a snowy New York City or like friends in the big city that, you know, and they're having they've got this tight knit friend group and like their, their cafe. And like, like, gonna be honest, like watching friends, sometimes I get into like, an episode of depression, just because like, dude, I didn't experience that. And like, it looks so wonderful.
00:30:13
Speaker
um You know, like, even travel, like, well, I would love to be, you know, in the in um london on a rainy day dude like a nasty rainy day drinking a london in fog like bro like like like i need that in my life but i can't have it so like it makes me feel like because i can't one afford it i can't schedule it or it i can't have it right now that i I'm not measuring up and I'm letting myself down.
00:30:43
Speaker
So I do experience that haven't traveled there or want to go there style depression, but I can typically move out of those ones pretty quick. The ones that are a little bit more heavy hitting are the ones where I long to be where I was.
00:30:57
Speaker
You guys remember barbecues in Fourth of July at my house or drinking in Brandon's garage or how I would take a fishing pole during lunch and go fish, you know, over by hospital point line on base.
00:31:11
Speaker
um That's the shit I miss. And that's the shit that will put me in a very like dark place. I love my life now and I wouldn't trade it for a thing. But there is something haunting about the good times that you experienced.
00:31:25
Speaker
Deployed. Your friends in a moment. That fleeting moment where you had no other care in the world except for each other and just living there.
00:31:36
Speaker
um That is haunting. Very much so, man. i I remember you fishing too. I mean, it was it was a little different, you know, um especially with one of us being an armorer and the other being motor T, we were kind of a different different sections, but I remember an Advan, yes.
00:31:52
Speaker
But no, for sure. I definitely have those places in the past that I put myself when I think about those, how they can be haunting and like, that's when it was great.
00:32:02
Speaker
Or what have you done now to get that back? Or i don't know. I don't really have the travel thing. I just know that I get happy feet. I get stir crazy. I get cabin fever.
00:32:13
Speaker
So very, very quickly, like if I don't go somewhere every day or every other day, at least away from my house, like why? I don't know. But I'll go nuts and in the same four walls too long. Maybe it was at an armory in Africa. I don't know.
00:32:29
Speaker
But I do go back to that place sometimes, too. I don't want to do that again. I just think back to, like, the simple times from the military and, like, the small moments of hanging out with you guys. We might have been doing absolutely fucking nothing.
00:32:42
Speaker
And i just look back on all of that with a big smile on my face and just think like, God, I'd give anything to go back to that. Like just being around you guys and the others, it's like it can make me cry, you know?
00:32:58
Speaker
And I actually, um I have an external hard drive that can't, When I was doing that video the other day, i used it to store a bunch of new footage on and I found old deployment footage, including from the Mew that i I had filmed with the GoPro.
00:33:16
Speaker
And it's just us in like the birthing and in the, you know, the the office and birthing cleaners yeah all around ship and then at fort pickett playing cards like oh yeah i gotta i gotta show you some of this footage but man it could make me cry and then like there's a couple clips of like hell we're just in the background you know yeah i remember running it through with a broom Make sure you back that stuff up, man.
00:33:45
Speaker
Yeah. Back it up. Put it on a cloud storage. Yeah. For our listeners out there, um, Tyler just said a name. Um, that is the name that we owe this podcast to.
Tribute to Helwer and inspiration for the podcast
00:33:56
Speaker
That is the name that we owe, um, The reinvigoration, the refocus and the the restrengthening of this friendship that all four of us share.
00:34:08
Speaker
um Halwer passed away September of last year um and we hadn't seen or talked to each other. on a regular basis or i mean i'm being honest at all for some of us um helware is a victim of his demons he he is a a statistic of suicide so i just want to share that with you guys um so that that name will be a a common a common thing among many other names as we move forward through that's true that's true
00:34:42
Speaker
ye All right, guys, I don't want to send everybody away in a down spot.
Coping strategies for depression
00:34:47
Speaker
So let's talk through some healthy coping mechanism. How do we work through it?
00:34:52
Speaker
We've already touched on therapy. You know, what are some things that we do? How do we recognize it ourselves? um What's our fix it? I like to work out. But I know in that moment that Yeah, the the gym may take away momentarily, but I have to remember that it's still there when I get done with it. you know So I still have to figure out how to attack it when I'm done with the gym.
00:35:15
Speaker
good So I mean, I try breathing, breathing techniques and things like that. For me, when I'm severely depressed, it can get very tough when you feel like you have no energy or motivation to get up and move around.
00:35:29
Speaker
So even though like for me, who loves going to the gym and feels good when I'm doing it, It could be very tough in those situations to allow yourself or have the motivation to go.
00:35:40
Speaker
So you really have to take it in waves and figure out what you're physically and mentally able to do and just bit by bit try to claw your way back, whether it's watch something funny or something that you enjoy.
00:35:54
Speaker
find Find some peace in your life and allow yourself the grace to move through it ah and take as much time as you need. like Go ah on a walk out in nature, like be to yourself and just process what you're feeling.
00:36:11
Speaker
And you have to recognize it too. You can't ignore it or shut it away because it's gonna come out one way or another. So that's why I like therapies. Great. But just being able to also have people to rely on to you got to have some kind of circle that you can trust.
00:36:28
Speaker
Trust goes so far in life. And just knowing that people have your back like, you know, you don't have to divulge everything if you're not comfortable, but just knowing that there's people there who care about you, it'll go so far.
00:36:40
Speaker
Having a really close support system is good. You know, a supportive wife, significant other, ah family member, friend, you know, someone you can bounce your ideas off of. I've noticed i'm I'm an intermittent journaler, so we'll just put it that way. It's not not a consistency yet, but I'm getting there.
00:36:58
Speaker
you know, and, and then as of late for myself too, with my new walks in faith, I try to pray about things. You know, i try to, I'll, I'll even do go so far as like Googling ah a scriptural verse to maybe help me through or, or a passage of scripture that could work for me, you know, and then pray on it, meditate a little bit.
00:37:18
Speaker
Yeah, man. Faith saved my life with full transparency. Like faith faith is what pulled me out of like my darkest deep bottom. Faith is what kept me from becoming a statistic is finding faith, um finding another community that was able to pour into me.
00:37:36
Speaker
like my like the brothers i missed in the marine corps um as far as like non-faith based mechanisms obviously therapy um diaphragmatic breathing like learning to breathe with your full diaphragm and really expand your lungs and and and and and focus on your feelings and kind of pull yourself into a meditative state recenter and move on um I've got, you know, there's there's another breathing technique called dropping anchor.
00:38:03
Speaker
When emotions are are overwhelming and flooding you, you know, you you close your eyes, you take some solid, you know, four to five big, deep bottom of your diaphragm breaths. You open your eyes and you you you look around and you say,
00:38:16
Speaker
you know, I see a picture of my dad on the wall. I see a plant on my shelf. I see 155 shell on top of my safe. You close your eyes, four five deep breaths, and you repeat that with sounds.
00:38:28
Speaker
And then you do that as many times that you you're moving the thought out of your head and you you've created enough distraction that you're you're in a point where you can move forward and start focusing on your life tasks and not on what's got you in that pit.
00:38:43
Speaker
um but then there's there's times that nothing brings i've just got to sit there and and walk that walk through it and hope that um i've come out of it like i don't i don't know that's a that's a hard one to to explain there's a uh you know my wife will ask me what's wrong and nothing i'm trying Yeah. I just kind of like, I shut down. I don't talk and like, it's not a, there's not a way I can pass it. I just have to, I have to let it move past on its own.
00:39:13
Speaker
So, you know, forcible exposure to my children and their craziness and try and find as much joy as I possibly can in that moment. Um, I don't really have a lot of great coping mechanisms except for faith.
00:39:27
Speaker
So I will say, as far as advice goes, it's you find a certain level of strength in realizing that you can get through it. And it always feels like it's a hopeless situation that you can't escape.
00:39:42
Speaker
But when if you fight and claw your way out of depression and get yourself to a place where you're OK, you will feel so much stronger as a person. And you'll be so grateful that you hung around to stick through it and fight through it.
00:39:55
Speaker
When I got through my most serious times of depression, like I felt like I could overcome anything because that pain and that suffering just felt so insurmountable.
00:40:06
Speaker
So to make it through that motivated me. and know that I can handle anything that comes my way. And i've i've since then, I've had depression as well, but I am in a better place to handle it because I learned how to get myself through it.
00:40:25
Speaker
And I would say that's my best advice for our listeners is you have to find a way to push through it and survive it. Because if you don't, it'll eat you alive. But when you do get through it, you'll be grateful that you did.
00:40:39
Speaker
that you that you pushed yourself through it and were able to overcome it. And it's it's not an overnight thing. This can take months or years. So be patient, have faith, just keep fighting.
Preventing suicide and supporting others
00:40:51
Speaker
Trust the process. Put trust in it, too. Yeah. So we've hit some pretty deep topics today, gentlemen. I just want to say that I love all of you dearly. You know, for the three of us even to even come out here and do this today has been kind of intense just watching our faces right now. You know, like we've been start with our cheeks a little higher and they've kind of gotten straight on us. But I know you guys are good.
00:41:13
Speaker
I love each and every one of you. Yeah, I love you guys too. It's not an easy topic. it's It's not meant to be. But I think this is the reason why we're doing this podcast. And it's the right thing to do. And it I think it can help people.
00:41:27
Speaker
can help us. And it deserves to be talked about. Not enough men talk about this kind of shit. And people have to know that this is a normal thing to go through and how to get through it.
00:41:39
Speaker
Absolutely. So we've kind of got one more thing to we've already touched on it. I asked a very direct question. This is a real issue and it leads to real problems, addiction, domestic abuse, domestic violence, self-harm, outward harm.
00:41:57
Speaker
There's a there's a lot of destructive behavior that's associated with depression. One of the biggest things associated with depression will be suicide, whether that's only yourself or yourself and somebody else.
00:42:09
Speaker
On average in the US, there are 40,000 suicides year. If we can reach just 100 people with this and change their opinions, it's a success. So I want everybody to understand what this three-part episode is for. It's not to put you in a ah bad place.
00:42:25
Speaker
It's not to ask you for your sympathy. This is an advocacy. We don't want anybody else. to take their life. We don't want to bury any more friends. So that's kind of my my closing piece there.
00:42:39
Speaker
Yeah, my whole my whole motto is no more dead friends. Four four suicides from my two deployments. So just I'm tired of it. And, you know, i I have no malice or blame on them for doing what they did.
00:42:55
Speaker
I've been down the same road myself of feeling that way. And I understand it. And i just I want to help others see that there is a way to get through it.
00:43:07
Speaker
And we can all move through it together and get past it and be okay. Just as long as we can save one you for me, man. 100 would be great. Just one of you. One person.
00:43:17
Speaker
All right. You guys know what time it is. To the lighter side of life. Let's do it.
Light-hearted chat about potato dishes
00:43:21
Speaker
Quirky closeout. All right. Today's quirky closeout. Potato's going to. potato toe what is your favorite form of potato french fries tater tots mashed potatoes potatoes are rotten where do you come up with this shit dude this this is a bubba gump moment boys this is a bubba gump on the bus moment i needed to know your favorite potatoes man all right i'll first i really like croquettes you know
00:43:49
Speaker
Explain. Explain for the for this uncivilized listeners. Man, I've i've had them like one time, but it's like something deep fried if I remember correctly. ah But it was delicious. I didn't even know what it was on the menu, but it was amazing. And I know potato was in it.
00:44:06
Speaker
I absolutely love hash browns. Ooh, yeah. two that Two types of hash browns specifically. I like the potato cakes, like McDonald's hash brown in a paper sleeve slathered with ketchup.
00:44:20
Speaker
We've been buying them at home and an air frying them. Oh, my God. And then Waffle House, bro. Waffle House hash browns will make me take off clothes. Yeah. wa Yeah, I mean, I love i love ah potato fries. I love French fries. But for me, just basic bitch moment. I like, you know, just regular mashed potatoes. also like those little red potatoes.
00:44:45
Speaker
Only potatoes I don't really like are sweet potatoes, honestly. Okay, okay. and So, I'm kind of... Go ahead, go ahead. but No, go ahead. I'm kind of proud that nobody went, Merga!
00:44:58
Speaker
baked potato in this bro i i don't like baked potatoes are disgusting they're just so plain and dry now do like you gotta see you gotta to put some butter on it bro yeah you load it up but it's still it's still like i end up you know mashing my fork in it mixing it all it becomes a drenched mashed potato just mash it from the beginning surprised none you said salad like potato salad potato salad's good there's just so many kinds it's like what do you go with it's that bubba gump moment you know it's like that's what i'm saying dude potatoes can be in so many ways see like if i'm a hash brown like i love hash browns too but they gotta be crispy don't give me no soggy soggy hash browns i'm sorry
00:45:41
Speaker
Yo, Caleb, you we've done a lot of... You go to Waffle House, you get you a grilled chicken sandwich with a side of hash browns, two sides of hash browns, because one, you just got to eat plain. Then you put one side on that on that on top of that grilled chicken sandwich.
00:45:53
Speaker
little ketchup, a little mayo, put that bad boy together, perfection. what is food right What was that, Tyler? I was going to say, we've done a lot of like, would like, like your favorite kind of this or that, or do you do a certain thing a certain way? I want like an absolute mind fuck next week. Like not something that we just eat or do in our day to day. I want something that's going to make us go like, holy shit. Wow. I got to think about this.
00:46:20
Speaker
You missed last week. Superhero power. Yeah, I am heard how to use it for good. Yeah.
00:46:27
Speaker
Matt almost went down this like existential crisis path. We almost created a god. But since you weren't here last week, Tyler, what is your superpower and what would you use it for good?
00:46:39
Speaker
So I was thinking about Caleb's was like all knowledge. And I feel like that would be terrible. Like, cause then you'd find out shit you don't want to know. And you're like, God, this is awful. I wish I didn't know all this, but, and I'm too sensitive for that shit.
00:46:56
Speaker
But, uh, let's think about this. Probably flight. Just basic ass flight. Yeah, because I don't trust airplanes, and if I could fly myself, you know, it'll be a little bit safer.
00:47:08
Speaker
Plus, check out yeah, it's just never having to go on a fucking airplane again, you can fly to any part of the world you want at any point, or either that or teleportation. But I feel like flight is more cool. Could you imagine, like, instead of, like, Superman-fast flight, like, it's like normal airline flight, so, like, if you wanted to cross the ocean, it would be, like, 20 hours. Yeah, that would suck.
00:47:29
Speaker
Yeah. That would suck. but i back It's got it's gotta to be like fast. But at the same time, like I get motion sickness too. So I don't i would have to fly kind of slow.
00:47:40
Speaker
So how would you use that for good? For good? Well, I mean, I guess I could be like a superhero and fly into dangerous areas and save people. like But then I guess I might need other superpowers too. i like You got super strength too, buddy? Yeah.
00:47:56
Speaker
I don't know. If you had to choose one, it's it's tough because then like you don't have the other things to work with. But then you got people like fucking Batman and their superpower money. His superpower is being the most equipped person in any room he wants. He's well equipped, huh?
00:48:11
Speaker
Oh, yeah. He's a well equipped man. Well equipped. All right, guys guys. I think this was a heavy episode. We knew it would be, but um I'm looking forward to part two, and that's where it's going to get even deeper. So for our listeners, if you have any kind of questions, comments, anything, please, please, please leave us some kind of comment on the episode, whether it's on our social media, whether it's on Spotify, Apple.
00:48:41
Speaker
Leave us a review. Let us know how it's going. If there's something you specifically want to talk about, have us discuss, let us know in the comments. Please leave us a review. We're trying to do this and get this get this thing off the ground. I think we're, what, 12 episodes in now?
00:48:56
Speaker
Yes, sir. We're making our way, but we need your help. So please support us. One thing for the listeners, too. If any of you are having a mental crisis or anything like that, struggling with depression, 988 is the hotline. Give it a call.
00:49:10
Speaker
I was just going to say that. Thank you. 988 people. All right, boys. Love y'all. Love you guys. ya.