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4. Identity & Transformation
31 Plays2 months ago
The witches get vulnerable about their evolutions through trauma, and explore the roots of their passion for music (which still barely scratches the surface, honestly).
Content warning: mentions of parental verbal abuse.
We're grateful you're here! If you like what you’re hearing, you can follow us on Instagram: @soulpodthepodcast. You can also email us directly at [email protected].
Hosts: Christina Bell & Molly Wilde
Music: The Confrontation, by Jonathan Boyle, licensed from Premium Beats by Shutterstock
Editing: Molly Wilde
Disclaimer: The purpose of this podcast is for entertainment and enjoyment. We are not professionals in any regard. We do not have professional knowledge, training, or education in physical health, mental health, or spiritual matters. Any suggestions or recommendations made during our episodes should be independently researched by the listener before considering implementation, or better yet, listeners should ignore everything we say. We cannot be held responsible or liable for anything we say, or any actions taken by any persons as a result of listening to our podcast episodes. Stay safe, stay informed, stay smart.
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Transcript
Opening Banter and Podcast Enthusiasm
00:00:23
Speaker
ones up which is
00:00:26
Speaker
We're back again. Every time I think of saying that or something like it, the line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding comes to mind, which is not even like one that people quote all the time, but the one where the grandma keeps running out, you know, escaping the house and the dad brings her home and is like, look who's back again.
00:00:50
Speaker
That's so funny. I don't even remember that. Like, I think, I know I've seen the movie at least once, but it's been so long. I don't know. I have no idea what you're talking about. I've seen it so many times. Too many times, arguably, I think. But yeah, so look who's back again. It's us, the Soul Pod, or Soul Pod, the podcast.
00:01:13
Speaker
Welcome back to the show, people. It's good to be back. I love doing this. I genuinely do. It's honestly turning out to be so fun. Not only like the actual recording process, but just like the whole process of like putting this together, like working with you to put this together. I really enjoy it so far. I hope that it stays that way forever.
00:01:39
Speaker
i know I hope that I don't start getting sick of doing this. because That would really suck, you know? Well, I would argue that to get sick of doing this would be equivalent to getting sick of talking to me. And so I also hope that you don't ever get sick of it. That would not be the aspect that I would be getting a sick of, for sure.
Managing Stress and Passion
00:02:04
Speaker
Well, ah yeah no I know that we are going to run into times where we're going to be like a little tired, a little like, oh, we got to do this. like That's just inevitable. That's part of life, I think, with no matter what you're working on, no matter how much you ah you know, are passionate about it. But um I think for the most part, like, we're gonna continue to have a really good time with this for as long as it makes sense to I think that not like I should be talking about the conclusion of this podcast at this point, but whenever we arrive there, it'll be somewhat of a natural, I think conclusion or that we evolve into something different.
00:02:44
Speaker
you know, so. Oh, that's always a possibility for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Like we said, there is infinite potential here. We have no idea where this is going to take us. ah So we'll see. But in the meantime, like we're having a great time here. And like every single thing that we've been working on and like collaborating on and discussing together has been enjoyable.
00:03:10
Speaker
doesn't feel like work, you know? so Right. um It helps that we get along. Yeah. yeah about definite I think if we did it, I don't think we would have ah felt so strongly about actually starting this project. so You know, you take all the fun out of my jokes. I'm just kidding. and me That's just my Virgo last time. Sorry.
00:03:35
Speaker
oh Explain it away, Molly. Explain it away. I'm just kidding.
00:03:42
Speaker
I have to tease you. I've never been good at being teased. I don't know how much of that is being a Virgo versus being neurodivergent. But yeah.
00:03:53
Speaker
um Dude, I'm so used to being teased that it's like I just laugh at myself at this point. You know, Julie is always finding something to pick on me about and I just look at her like, whatever. See, I never asked for use to it.
00:04:09
Speaker
I was teased my entire life and I never got used to it. um yeah I had no idea what to do with it as a kid. I was just like... I don't know, not like I need to get into that now, but it was just, it was a little rough and it was especially rough because my reactions not being like, oh, haha, uh, were never really tolerated. And so it made it a little difficult. But, uh, you know, now that like with people who, particularly friends who do make it super clear how much they actually do love me, um, I can take a little teasing here and there and be okay.
00:04:44
Speaker
Um, but anyway, uh, because I know I love us. Oh, I do. I do. because i hate I always have. And I hope you know that I love you too.
00:04:56
Speaker
always.
The Music Selection Journey
00:04:57
Speaker
you But yeah, um with regards to the processes, we've been you know working on things and getting things ready for um publishing these episodes. I wanted to take a second to talk about the music that we have chosen for our intro and outro.
00:05:18
Speaker
uh by this point uh you the listener if you've been listening starting at episode one uh you'll have heard it several times but we only as of the day of this recording we only decided on the song last night And it was somewhat of a journey to get there, but I wanted to talk about it just because of how fired up I am about it. um In particular, it's literally stuck in my head right now ah because I still think we've been listening to it on repeat again today. That's awesome. I love that.
00:05:56
Speaker
and want to like i I want to say that music has always been massively important to me to like an obscene degree to the point that like a lot of people don't actually understand it. you know Music became my educational ah do you Would you call it an educational career? It was my degree. a yeah Educational path path? Yeah. I um i attended Berkeley College of Music and I got a degree in music production and engineering. and i just you know I didn't choose that flippantly. It was so just exactly what I needed based on like my relationship with music that I've carried through my entire life. and Therefore,
00:06:42
Speaker
I have a really, maybe unfortunate tendency to be very particular about music. And it's made it a little... That's, I think, what made picking out music for this project to be a bit of a challenge because I...
00:06:59
Speaker
had like a very vague idea of what I wanted and I wasn't sure if I was going to try to produce something myself, which I wasn't even sure if my software was still going to work. It's kind of been out of commission thats since I graduated and haven't worked in the music industry or, you know, looking into royalty-free music ah to license. And through it, I yeah definitely i don't know i didn't talk about it a whole lot because i was a little bit avoidant i was a little bit like oh this is making me nervous i'm not sure i don't know how it's going to go i don't know what i'm going to do and so i was just like i don't want to think about it um but i did still have a clear idea it's like i know what vibe i don't want i know what vibe i do want but i don't know how to arrive there and
00:07:51
Speaker
It made it ah difficult when Christina came in with suggestions and I very sorrowfully shot them down because she had no idea what I had in my mind already, like the the sort of direction I was trying to head and how like i how immovable I was going to be about it. um But and yeah and I always struggle with that because I never want to make anyone feel bad for their suggestions or you know their preferences or whatever. you know And i've I've not ever really figured out how to navigate that in ah in an authentic way, at least. But I ended up ah looking on a royalty-free website, made an account, started to favorite some options, some ideas.
00:08:39
Speaker
and then I last night had Christina log in so she could listen to the ones that I had favorited and see what she preferred and she you know took the opportunity to explore some of the options herself too just to like look and see and asked if it was alright with me knowing me knowing my personality asked if it was okay to uh to add some suggestions yeah to add some suggestions of her own and I was like Yeah, I mean, you know, might as well. And but just because like there, I had picked some options and like some of them I knew from out the gate that they weren't going to be great, but I still didn't want to like discount them. ah There definitely was a good, clear, you know, passability of what you
00:09:26
Speaker
picked yeah that I liked a lot enough that I would have said yes to it but I just wanted to hear what other kind of things were out there and explore some of the genres and so I just did that I think I went through about three genres and I listened to maybe three or four songs in each one for just about 10 to 20 seconds, like just enough to get a feel for it. Because I didn't want to sit and listen to the entire song just to find ah ah you know a section of it that I liked or whatever. i write right um so So yeah, I ended up picking from three different genres, I think, and giving it like two or three suggestions of each maybe. I don't remember. Yeah, you did add about like six or seven different options to the list. And you know I said I would listen to them and
00:10:11
Speaker
try to keep an open mind because I was like, I don't know, I don't know what what she's going to come across. And and the thing the the thing that we have to juggle is the fact that we don't love exactly the same kind of music. There's a couple types that we both do, but we both have our own little ni i don't know niches that we have.
00:10:33
Speaker
yeah i yeah Yeah, and like in the options that I had looked for and and looked gone through and selected initially, I really thought that our like the our intersection was going to be in the industrial rock or industrial electronic genre. we like i don't know i mean I know why, because I and know well enough about like what we do like.
00:10:57
Speaker
Um, excuse me, but that's, you know, that was what I was looking into in terms of options. And like, surprisingly, the if specifically industrial genre options, like you really didn't seem interested in at all. Um, at least not for this project.
00:11:13
Speaker
But where I didn't expect, where we did overlap, that I fully did not expect, it came so far out of left field, was in the ah this genre that I literally came up with on my own last night. ah The slightly crazy 60s housewife who's had too many martinis with thinner again, territory.
00:11:35
Speaker
Um, that is where we ended up intersecting. And I just loved her description of the genre of music. For me, it literally just sounded like surfer guitar style. Like fiction is what you describe. Yeah, exactly. That's what I was about to say. Hope fiction. Um, I, let me, let me just say,
00:11:58
Speaker
Pulp Fiction came out in 1994, I believe. I was living on campus at Oakland University in Rochester, Michigan. And they had a screening, an airing, whatever, I don't recall it, a screening of that movie on campus. I fell in love with it from the first time I saw it. And one of the times Molly came to visit me, we watched that movie together.
00:12:23
Speaker
she would have been two years old or like just maybe a little bit less than that when that movie came out. i definitely I definitely was late to the party with it, not for my own reason. Well, but you were too when it came out. Yeah, yeah but like mean look I didn't even see it when I was like in high school or anything. you know like i The first time I ever watched it, I was 21 or 22 whenever it was on Netflix.
00:12:47
Speaker
Oh, okay. So you had seen it before we watched it together, but I liked it. Like I, ah but I, I also, by that point, already knew that I liked Tarantino films. And so, you know, I was just going through whatever Tarantino films were available. I was dreaming at the time.
00:13:03
Speaker
which included Pulp Fiction, and I think it included Kill Bill 1 and 2. My introduction to Tarantino was Django Unchained, which is an intense introduction for sure, but it's very off-brand. But i did like when I went back and watched Pulp Fiction, I was like, I understand why this is like a cult class clip ct wo a bit but cult classic now. like its It's brilliant. and um But it's got that great vibe, that Surfer Rock vibe.
00:13:33
Speaker
particular I mean, like obviously we know like the scene with that like song. I can't remember what song it was that's got that same sort of vibe to it. um But also just the whole movie has that ambiance to it. And you know and it and it fits it's it's so specific and yet it fits so many different situations, you know because I was commenting this 60s housewife with too many martinis, but also desert nighttime drives, or and could it be a cowboy standoff? Or could it be that we're in a biker gang? Or, you know, like there was like so many different ways you could slice it. It was like just quirky enough to be ah unique and fun, but also very versatile, surprisingly. and So yeah, when I listened to it,
00:14:24
Speaker
I was like, holy shit, I've been smacked out of left field with this thing. Like, this is so much better than any other option that we've picked. ah but I was genuinely surprised. And it like, I think that if I had come across it on my own, I don't think I would have even considered it. hu You know, but it's because you put it in there because you suggested it and put it in our list.
00:14:49
Speaker
you know, I had more of an open mind and then it turned out to just fit, it was like a puzzle piece, fit perfectly. You know, it's so, so very intensely us. um Yeah, I was trying to find the, jo just like you did with things that you thought that I would vibe with that we both would like. I don't know if you knew that my style or taste would go that varied in- I'm not surprised. When I heard the sound and I went, oh, this is this is just, I think Molly will dig it. And I like it. so Yeah. yeah so i'm but I'm glad you liked it. And I'm really excited that you actually took one of my suggestions for once. Hell yeah. Yeah. um No, I was very relieved.
00:15:41
Speaker
to be able to say that and be super, super real about it. like i And this is me, again, with my passion for music, lifelong passion for music, as well as you know the trained ear that I've developed through school. I immediately was like, I have to listen to this repeatedly. And I did, I listened to it on repeat the whole evening. you know And I was listening on my phone speakers, I was listening in the car, I was sitting with my headphones.
00:16:09
Speaker
I had to have multiple listening environments really get a very clear sense of the details in the song as well as really settle into the vibe of it and make sure that I could commit to it because like it's we're not we're not operating on a super big budget you know and I was like if we pick a song it's got to be one we intend to stick with and not feel the need to switch it out even in a year. yeah you like I'd rather find something that we're happy to stick with for as long as as long as we can.
00:16:43
Speaker
And we did. And I'm super stoked about it. I hope that everybody who's listening is also into it. um I imagine that if you're still listening to us, the music at least was not a turnoff. um ah We really hope that you enjoy it and that it gets you excited for the episodes. Yeah.
00:17:03
Speaker
Yeah, it's like I said, it's very much embody like an audible and environment embodiment of who both of us are together, like just with that right amount of quirk, a little bit of darkness, a little bit of weird, a little bit of like edge, but still like enjoyable and fun and cool and vibey for So, you know, not that I'm like tooting our horns about how cool we are because we have frequent moments. We're not cool. um yeah But, you know, I just with music being as portent as it is to me and how like
00:17:45
Speaker
how I didn't want to get hung up on trying to pick music for this because I didn't want to you know hold anything up trying to get everything ready to publish but I still wanted to put my heart into the choice of music and and we got there Yeah. And I know like what you're saying about your, oh my gosh, my words are leaving me, of course. um the how How important music is to you and stuff like that? It is probably equally as important to me, but I just never went through any kind of formal training except for just like being in choir and high school. you know
00:18:24
Speaker
I know how to read music, you know, so-so. But I do have specific styles that I like, and like, I'm very picky about music in general. And I can tell based on my physical reaction to songs, whether, you know what I mean? Like, if I'm gonna like it or not. Yeah, because it's me too. It's me too.
00:18:45
Speaker
it's Honestly, like i I haven't had the chance to even really get into this super deep with you yet, but it's another thing that I've learned about through astrology the astrology sessions I've had, where you know it's like very much in my nature to have visceral reactions to things, you know whether they vibe with me or don't.
00:19:03
Speaker
music is a huge one because of my, you know, personal passion for it. But it goes for all kinds of things like aesthetic, you know, fashion, decor. And you already know how particular I am where I like can very clearly identify like, hey, that yes, that's objectively cool. But it is not for me. It's not my style. It's not what I want. Yeah.
00:19:28
Speaker
i've I've sort of realized that I maybe have to come with somewhat of a disclaimer of like, hey, if you want my opinion on your choices of fashion or your choices of decor or whatever, be so prepared for me to disagree with you.
00:19:43
Speaker
be so prepared and please don't be offended because it is never ever personal but it's just i have what i know is like definitely my vibe and what is not and uh especially when it came to a project like this where we're like we're both putting our hearts and souls into it you know and we've it's been a long time coming trying to work on this it felt like super high pressure to pick the right thing but anyway i think we've rambled a little too long about music But I certainly wanted to make sure to carve the time out for it because it's important. But we do want to we want we want to talk about an actual subject today.
Exploring Personal Identity and Transformation
00:20:22
Speaker
And the subject that we have sort of settled upon is ah identity and transformation.
00:20:30
Speaker
And there's like a so many different ways to approach this ah this subject, this topic. Identity as a concept, identity is in our lives and how we embody them. And a transformation in times where we have you know needed to be something different or build ourselves from the ground up, if ever. And I know I have instances of that. I'm not sure necessarily about you, Christina,
00:21:00
Speaker
but that's a and Yeah, you know like i like I mentioned, I'm going to be winging a lot of this because... I am too, honestly. It's a concept that I hadn't really considered much about because I don't tend to identify myself.
00:21:18
Speaker
in a specific way a lot of the time. so But i do i do I can look back on my life and think of times when I felt a certain way about myself or um noticed a transition or a transformation in my personality or my behavior in one way or another. So I do have stuff to contribute.
00:21:42
Speaker
you knew and I knew that you would. The thing about it is that like identity is somewhat of a new um concept for me too in my life because I also have not specifically clung to or subscribed to any particular identity for most of my life, mostly because I kind of felt like I couldn't.
00:22:05
Speaker
But I also wasn't super conscious of it. There was, as with so many things, like there was a lot of times in my life when I yeah just needed to get by. I just needed to survive and couldn't really think too hard about what I wanted to identify with or identify as or you know who I wanted to be because I had to be something specific that unfortunately really wasn't in line with my like soul. And you know that's I feel a somewhat common experience internally for a lot of people who grew up in religions that did not that were not cohesive with them and their personal personality is in their
00:22:49
Speaker
morals. and so many other things. I'm certainly not even choosing the right words, I think. you know it's ah it's a comment I think it's a religion religious religious trauma thing, specifically, especially. and so you know I think that's also partly why I wanted to specifically talk about this for us, because we're you know both starting to come into specific identities or starting to become aware of and acknowledge and
00:23:20
Speaker
and embody or work toward embodying certain identities, you know, as a part of our own self explorations and growth. And so I thought it would be good to talk about it and sort of put, make it somewhat tangible rather than like, ah just thought concept for both of us.
00:23:37
Speaker
So, like, with regards to identities through life, like I said, we both sort of have not really been conscious of identities in our lives, but we definitely still, you know, had them. Like, they we both had the identity technically of Mormons, you know, members of the Mormon Church growing up, and You know, I certainly embraced the witch identity as soon as I started to feel safe to be able to do so. And just to be able to casually say it, just to be like, oh yeah, I'm a witch. Obviously to people who are not dangerous to say that to, because unfortunately you just don't run into those people, ah even in Massachusetts, surprisingly. But yeah, like that was I think probably the first
00:24:27
Speaker
identity for myself that I discovered and really leaned into, even if I didn't think of it that way as like, oh, this is my new identity or this is a new identity for me. I was like, no, like I'm going to start calling myself a witch. And then I did. And it felt really good. It resonated well with me.
00:24:47
Speaker
Alright, so I'm gonna go ahead and apologize if there's been a bit of a rough edit because we did end up running into a little bit of a yeah internet issue. not i don't know Not a real problem, but we just both froze. And I'm not sure what audio actually got recorded and what didn't.
00:25:05
Speaker
um So but yeah, luckily we didn't get too deep into anything. So ah we'll just dive right back in here. Talking about identity, with regards to identities that we've embodied, there's a whole lot out there that has been somewhat more broad, I guess, such as friend, such as student, such as you know for myself, like musician, things like that. But nothing that felt like it had a whole lot of intention behind it.
00:25:34
Speaker
you know, a lot of it was just sort of circumstantial. um And I think the intent or or rather the identities that have intention behind them are the ones that I am really gravitating toward now and what I want to like talk about, you know, particularly since we're both coming into our own with our journeys and with regard to identity.
00:25:56
Speaker
Yeah, like like the less influence our families have on us, the more able we are to be able to do that. Yeah. And I'm sure that there are a lot of people who can identify with that as well, who who relate to that, especially if you're listening to us. I have a strong suspicion a lot of people out there listening to us have been through similar experiences in life circumstances. Yeah.
00:26:20
Speaker
you know so we we wanted to take the time to talk about it. In particular, I want to talk about identities that maybe we feel like we're starting to resonate with or that we would want to work toward now in our lives, you know, since it is somewhat of a new thing for us. You know, it's a For myself, it's maybe somewhat of a broader, well, this this journey that I have been on, this healing journey that I'm currently on, is definitely something that would require its own episode to get all the way into, but I've been working a lot yeah with healing my inner team and realizing how much of that process is discovering my identity, discovering my personality.
00:27:06
Speaker
who I wanted to be truly, who I wanted to embody or what I wanted to identify as when I was younger that I didn't get to, you know, and then allowing myself and enabling myself to embody that now.
00:27:22
Speaker
um whatever that may be and I think that it's going to be not a you know one and done figure it out and then you're all set type of situation it's going to be I figure out one thing and I work on that and I find some healing in it and then I figure out the next thing and I work on that and um you know the very first thing that I have come to realize is that like I really identify with punk culture uh is something I was not allowed to get into when I was younger and and certainly people who knew me really well back then might
00:27:58
Speaker
not be surprised to hear that that was, you know, something I really liked. But I certainly was never allowed to dress in a punk sort of style, you know, was really restricted on the kind of music I was allowed to listen to. I found ways around it for particular bands that I really loved, but, ah you know, I really just didn't get to get into a lot of the music that I, you know, what I've loved. It took me years until after I was out of my teen years to discover and get into certain bands and you know just the punk culture and philosophy too is really fascinating and it's something that I intend to read about and study and you know just sort of see what is uh what aligns with me.
00:28:47
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, this is a little backtracking, just a tiny bit, but I was really kind of not surprised, but still a little stunned and appalled at the story that you told me about your mom who found a CD or whatever that you had been given for your birthday that was like your favorite band.
00:29:12
Speaker
And she wouldn't allow you to listen to it. And she took it and threw it away. And I just thought, it is really cruel. Cruel. I don't know if I could say that word right. It's so cruel. and And like, I don't know, hurtful, inconsiderate, mean, I don't know, all these words come to mind.
00:29:31
Speaker
And it's like, did she even listen to it? Did she give it a chance before she decided to toss it? I don't i doubt and so it. Yeah, well, that's the thing. And this is you know more specific with that situation. But you know the album in question was American Idiot by Green Day, which continues to be one of my favorite albums.
00:29:55
Speaker
of all time. um and I was given it for my 13th birthday and never even, I don't think, got a chance to crack the plastic you know and break into it. It went straight into the trash. and did and Did she even know what she was basing that decision on? The parental advisory in the corner of the CD. I'm not even kidding. like It was if that was there. and If she had listened to it, she would have freaked out. so That wouldn't have solved any problems.
00:30:24
Speaker
but it you know It's stuff like that where you know was just like I really was so restricted in what I was allowed to be interested in and to explore, ah no matter how important it was to me. you know i've We've spent the first half of this episode talking about how important music was to me in my entire life. and That was no different when I was 13 years old, in fact, it was arguably one of the most like formative times to really get into music.
00:30:51
Speaker
yeah ah same with me yeah you know and so to be restricted in that way at that age uh really makes you sort of come into adulthood not feeling like a whole person which is you know again emblematic of why both of us don't feel like we ever really gave any attention to the concept of identity until very recently in our lives. And it's heavy. It's hard to talk about that, especially when it's so tied into such traumatic events and memories. But it is so important. you know It's got to be worked through.
00:31:31
Speaker
and two And it's important to acknowledge it, you know because there there is always a part of me that doesn't want to talk about these types of stories, especially on a public platform, you know because I don't want to hurt anybody who might be implicated as being involved in the stories, but ah implicated or outright named.
00:31:52
Speaker
but but i But at the same time, I'm finding it extremely important to still to tell the stories anyway, um for for my own sake, as well as for anybody who might listen and who might relate to it and not be able to say anything or not think that they have anybody out there who understands what they're going through or what they have gone through. And that is why I am telling the stories that I do. and There will surely be more in the future. But that is you know a big thing, a big part of it. That situation, that story in particular was very impactful, impressionable on me.
00:32:31
Speaker
you know And so for that reason, as I've been exploring what I was really into or how I really wanted to present myself or to identify as when I was younger, punk rock and punk culture was unsurprisingly the first thing to come up for me. So I'm very intrigued to see where where I go with that. Did you have any identities that you have felt like you want to lean into?
00:33:00
Speaker
You're on mute by the way. Sorry. you that's kind of the That's kind of where I think I was struggling with the topic because I've never felt like a need to associate myself with a specific identity. Kind of like you know people say like, don't put labels on things or that kind of deal. I never felt like I particularly fit in with a specific type of person or group of people or identity or whatever. so
00:33:32
Speaker
I've always felt like like an oddball and been relatively proud of that fact. I don't care. That in and of itself is an identity of of sorts, oddball.
00:33:47
Speaker
yes that's yeah I mean, I like to be funny. I like to make jokes. I like to make people laugh. And when we were talking about this topic and the things that kind of came to mind, speaking of, you know, being a little bit of an oddball and being silly or making people laugh, that was probably one of the first times in my life where I felt like I was embodying a specific personality type or identity or whatever you want to call it, where I was 13 years old as a freshman in high school. um I think I turned 14 after like a month or so in there. But anyway, I remember a point where I was just i wasn't quite the class clown, but
00:34:33
Speaker
I really made people laugh a lot. like I was really getting into socializing and being funny and like and I kind of dug that and I don't know where it came from. it was like It just really came out of nowhere for me, but I liked it. I was like, wow, who is this person? you know So what what you call that, I'm not sure, but it's just one of the first times I had a realization about myself and and changing into something that was that that I liked that you know I hadn't been before. but mixed and i weed yeah um And I went through a few different morphing.
00:35:11
Speaker
and you would what you'd call that, but- Transformations. Transformations, evolutions, et cetera, et cetera. So as you were saying, music for you was always a big deal. I grew up in a home there where like, okay, so from the age of eight, but actually once I hit puberty is when I got bad, my stepdad was really verbally abusive and yelled a lot. and I think he was very threatened by this young girl becoming a woman and he didn't know how to handle it. And so music for me was a big escape and I stayed in my room a lot by myself and I listened to music a lot and I danced my ass off in my room and sang and you know got out a lot of emotion and hurt and frustration and all of that.
00:36:05
Speaker
through music in my room by myself and basically through a good portion of my teens until I was able to get a car and then I could like go places. But anyhow, that's what you know music for me has always been super important because it's helped me feel my feelings and get them out and work through them. in every possible way. And so as I grew up and went through some traumatic things myself, um mostly in my teens,
00:36:40
Speaker
I kind of retreated within myself. So let's say by the early, my maybe my early 20s, I was maybe becoming more reserved and less open and didn't talk about my life too much. And I ran across people who actually categorized me as a mysterious.
00:37:05
Speaker
And for whatever reason, I liked it. then Like, yes, I want to be mysterious. It's a fun one. It's a fun description. Yeah. and i and i And I kind of liked it. But I think then as I started to mature even more and come through some of those traumas,
00:37:26
Speaker
later in my 20s or so. i like I didn't trust people a lot prior, like when I was shutting down. I didn't trust people. I didn't know who I could talk to you and who I could really be myself around. So as I started to grow up and work through those issues and learned more about other people in general, I realized that other people Have their problems as well and they understand other people i mean that cuz i just i don't know i just wasn't i was always feeling like i was the only person who was going through ah this kind of thing or you know the only person that had as many issues in my life as i had had or whatever but
00:38:07
Speaker
I started to learn that people aren't as jerky as I thought they would be, and like maybe they would be more open and more understanding than I realized, so I started to be able to open myself up again to talking to people and sharing my story. so where identity comes in. It's still like hard for me to say. I had a specific identity, but I could see these times in my life where I was transitioning through phases and through ways of being in the world. And so to put a label on myself or call myself a specific thing as part of my identity, well, mysterious was fun, but was that really who I was though? yeah It's like- It's who you needed to be at the time, I think. yeah
00:38:53
Speaker
And I think that identity is is as much circumstantial or out of necessity as it is intentional, um right you know depending on what you you're going through and what you need in your current life. But you know I had some of the same phases of my life, you know where I was just sort of like, I have to be this in order to get through, you know whether it was like literally for myself like in order to get through.
00:39:16
Speaker
because of the environment I was in or because I was in the process of healing and didn't know what else to do or how else to be. you know I certainly had similar phases. you know so I think my most comparable phase to that was when I was at BYU.
00:39:35
Speaker
where I had come out of an environment where I felt super restricted and transitioned into an environment where I could be more open and be more myself, but only in certain ways because BYU is a different kind of oppressive.
00:39:54
Speaker
well not Um, and I will, I'm sure get into the details of that experience at a later date, but you know, I, I found within that environment, that community, I found the people who understood me and wanted to know me and didn't have any sort of expectation that I should be a certain way. Even if we were both or all in the Mormon church, like not everybody was such a stickler for rules or for standards.
00:40:23
Speaker
you and you know just liked me for who I was and I continued to just be who I felt like I was and continued to be accepted and it was like the best feeling in the world but it was still very very not entirely who I was and it was after leaving UIU and after ah making the plan to move to Boston where i've sort of experienced my first real like transformation and shift into like some um almost a blank slate identity and i touched on this i think in our first episode a little bit but i just remember when i first was moving to boston and i was getting ready you know packing everything and getting prepared to go i let go of all the like fear that i've been you know living in
00:41:15
Speaker
And i on the outside, like i just sort of as a symbolic change, I dyed my hair black for the first time, um three weeks or so before I moved to Boston. And it was so freeing to then move into the city where I didn't know anybody. And I was going to a brand new school, especially a school of like-minded people, like-minded artists, and that I got to just be me.
00:41:44
Speaker
yeah and felt so free doing that, you know and and found an equal sense of community, but in just such a broader way, or an equal sense of so acceptance as I had at BYU. And it was beautiful, but it was also dangerous.
00:42:03
Speaker
I don't know how much time I have to really get into all the details. I did have, you know, somewhat of a secondary shift into ah a new transformation while I was in school. After a particularly difficult year, um emotionally turbulent turbulent year, um I had somewhat of a breaking point regarding alcohol and spending habits and sort of feeling shattered as a human being. um And this was just a few days before the new year into 2015, so the very end of 2014, but it was perfect timing for that, I think, in terms of the new year, because that's so about resetting yourself. ah yeah
00:42:46
Speaker
It was very symbolic. It was nice to be able to fall back on that and be like, all right, well, here we go. Let's do a factory reset. And it was traumatic to do so. like It was a traumatic experience for sure to reach that rock bottom where I just felt like such a shell of a person. And that feeling, even though I did resolve at the start of 2015 to reinvent myself,
00:43:11
Speaker
I still felt so empty for several months after that. Depression was really pervasive in that time. I kind of didn't know where to go, how to start, what to do. But i that time of my life is when Molly Wilde was born. o And that is who I... I mean, that that person in and of it herself is an identity.
00:43:37
Speaker
There are people in this world who only know me as Molly Wild, who don't even realize that's never been my legal last name. I think that's awesome. I love that. I think it is too, and it happened fully on accident. I didn't even realize how how that was going to pan out until I started to receive mail with Wild on it. And ah and ah at a wedding, my seating chart assignment was listed as Molly Wild.
00:44:03
Speaker
it It was really, really cool to realize just how much, like, that was becoming who I was. But it was cool, too, to be able to, you know, go through that and, like, be able to truly reinvent myself, to be able to shed, like, all preconceived notions of who I ever was, and honestly, to look back and sort of not recognize who I was, you know, because who I was had been had been so far off from what I wanted to be.
00:44:32
Speaker
you know, and and over time I've come to accept that phase of my life, you know, I don't think it was a mistake, I think it was a necessary part of the process to go through what I went through, as painful as it was, but I still you know, it's still hard to think about sometimes. um But it to be able to talk to people and be open-minded or or have myself opened to ah new possibilities just because the one rule I was following was that every rule I had previously set for myself no longer applied. You know, it took a while for things to get off the ground in a tangible way that move from that, but it still was like, hey,
00:45:12
Speaker
in consideration of things. like I don't have to write off something as not what I'm going to do because I never would have considered it before. and is Arguably, anything I wouldn't have considered before is something I should consider now. of It was very different. You needed experiences to help you figure out who you were. 2015 became one of the best years of my life thus far for so many reasons.
00:45:41
Speaker
which again, we will get into.
00:45:46
Speaker
yeah but yeah I mean, I have to say, without a doubt, that is also one of the best years of my life for you know a lot of the same reasons, yeah but some more reasons besides that. So yeah. yeah I was just thinking about how your upbringing was so much more strict than mine. And even though we were both Mormon or raised Mormon, my family was not nearly as strict.
00:46:16
Speaker
And a couple of the family members didn't even follow all the rules. Like, and you know, I mean, we already established that my stepdad was abusive, verbally, you know, and mentally, emotionally, cussed all the time, said inappropriate things all the time. And other than that, I mean, on paper, everything else was mormany enough that nobody would have ever suspected that behavior.
00:46:43
Speaker
my grandmother loved to have a cocktail every night after dinner. And she loved her coffee. She probably drank three or four or five cups of coffee every day. I don't even know. And it was always black. and You could never you know drink coffee around her with cream or she would she would make sure that you knew she did not approve.
Personal Stories and Identity
00:47:05
Speaker
You should drink your coffee black, she would see me all the time. Anyway, I said, I don't drink enough coffee that it makes a big difference what I put in it. If drink a gallon of coffee every day and I was coupling that with a quarter of a gallon of creamer every day, then... It would have mattered. That's a problem. So I was always just like, whatever, Grandma. you Yeah, anyway, because on the Mormon side of my family, the edgiest that anybody ever got was my own grandmother, who rebelled by saying the word arse, and and then getting immediately scolded for it by her own children. She was such an interesting lady. Anyway. me
00:47:49
Speaker
And anyhow, i I remember when I was 11, I had a pretty big birthday party, know but see, like I had just moved into a new city and started a new school like six months prior to my 11th. Oh, excuse me. I had it backwards. 12th birthday, I moved when I was 11 and it was my 12th birthday. And I had a bunch of friends from my old neighborhood as well as new friends and one maybe from church or something.
00:48:17
Speaker
But I remember getting, like you said, you got American Idiot for your 13th. Guess what I got for my 12th? Beastie Boys licensed to ill.
00:48:29
Speaker
oh yeah
00:48:32
Speaker
And nobody questioned it. Nobody took it away from me. I was able to listen to it. And the Beastie Boys are still one of my favorite bands in that genre to this day. The Beastie Boys fuck oh yeah hard. You like them, huh? They're great. I mean, I wish I knew more. And I think maybe I know more than I realized just because I have it looked into it, but like I definitely like them, yeah. Sweet. And so like prior to that, and and the funny thing was I had gotten that cassette tape and had not, as far as I knew, really ever been exposed to them before. I think Fight For Your Right to Party was on the radio, but I hadn't really paid any attention to it at that point. i um Of all their popular songs, I feel like I like that one the least.
00:49:22
Speaker
Oh, yeah, because it's not even like it's overplayed, but like. Right. And it's more of a rock song than it is a rappy song. You know, it's kind of kind of different feel. Yeah. Anyhow, before that, I was listening to top 40 stuff and I loved George Michael. You know, like he was like my probably my favorite artist up to that point. and My very first concert was a George Michael concert when I was 12.
00:49:50
Speaker
yeah And I Want Your Sex was the number one George Michael song on the radio. And I was allowed to go to that concert with his butt wiggling and talking about sex all the time. I love that so much. i yeah That reminds me of um one of the funniest things to me about like my childhood and like what weirdly s slipped through the cracks of being permissible. But when I was five years old, my favorite song the which I think was my first favorite song that I can remember.
00:50:24
Speaker
was Strawberry Wine by Deanna Carter. And I don't know, you don't really do country, so I'm not sure if you have ever heard that song or if you know anything about it. My older cousins got a huge kick out of the fact that it was my favorite song because it's very, very clearly about a 17-year-old losing her virginity.
00:50:45
Speaker
love That's spicy. But it was a good song and I knew good music even back then when I was little. like i just and don't know and go Not that I want to sound like super conceited about that, but you know it's I think it's so funny that like that song, not only did we own that CD in our home, but like that I was allowed to listen to it. And I'm sure it was just the assumption that I didn't understand it, which I i didn't understand it, but like, yeah, no way. ah No way. Yeah. But, um, you know, I, I loved it and everybody thought it was really entertaining and I didn't understand why. um
00:51:28
Speaker
I'll definitely have to look that up and listen to it. Yeah, I want you to. um there was i We are running short on time for sure, so I want to try to make sure we get to wrap up. but ah you want to yeah I'm just curious, is this is there more to this topic that we need to continue? Because I don't really feel like we got to everything. we don't Yeah, there's there is one subject like one aspect that I do want to get into. Maybe it's that I'll introduce it and and then let's see if there's interest enough to maybe dedicate an episode to it. um Because I had the thought, and again, it is a new thought to me too, because I really only just suggested it to you the other day when it first occurred to me, thinking about identity and how it pertains to magic in our lives and our practices.
00:52:16
Speaker
But I was thinking about how identity can be somewhat of a vehicle for embodying intention in your life. Oh, yeah. I thought that's where we were going with this episode. Yeah, yeah. And I think I had wanted to touch on it more, but I think I'm glad that we're going to be running short on time so that I will end up having more time to think through it and see if I can flesh out some more ah examples or you know more thoughts around it because it is still like I really truly only had this thought for the first time the other day. It's very new to me as a concept but yeah I do want to say like hey if you guys want to hear more about but how identity can be a method of ah embodying intention for your own practice or for whatever it is that you're working on
00:53:07
Speaker
I would love to know if there's more interest in that, and we'll see if we can dedicate you know another episode too to that as an idea. So yeah, it's been a really good episode, yeah yes this ah technical issues notwithstanding.
00:53:23
Speaker
um and And shooting off topic a few times, I think, just a little bit. but Again, I think that's just going to be somewhat of a standard with us. It's just we'll get a little off topic sometimes, ah me a little bit at each episode, but ah I feel like it's quite organic and I like that we do it. But yeah, please reach out to us, let us know what you think about this episode and tell us any stories. We want to hear your stories about your own you know transformations in your life or ways in which you feel like you have discovered new identities or felt like you had to embody identities that didn't you know resonate with you. like We want to know. We want to hear. And you can send any and you know emails to us without any of these stories to our email, which is soulpodthepodcastatgmail.com.
00:54:13
Speaker
We want to hear your stories. And if you're ever, I want to also say if you're ever comfortable ah having your story read in recording, please let us know. I'm not sure how much we're going to actually end up doing that, but I certainly don't want to do so without getting permission from anybody. So if you're okay with it, you know, please, please let us know because that'd be cool to be able to incorporate.
00:54:35
Speaker
So, i'm I'm just wanting to remind the listeners if they like what they're listening to with us, if we're not too, I don't know, ADHD for them. Maybe they could follow us. Don't forget to shoot you know a little dart into that follow button nu and leave us a review. Yes, please.
00:54:58
Speaker
Yeah, ah it's very helpful for us. And you can also find us on Instagram. Soul Pod the podcast on Instagram. Come follow us there too. We hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day. We're really happy you're here. We're grateful for you. And we will catch you next time.