Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
How to Reframe Internal Narratives (March Lil' Guy)
132 Plays1 year ago
In this very special episode of "Friendless," host James Avramenko takes listeners on a deep dive into the themes of accountability, the complexities of love, and the transformative practice of reframing. James reflects on his own journey towards self-discovery, sharing personal anecdotes about facing his shadow-self, reassessing relationships, and the ongoing work of self-acceptance.
Listeners will join James as he delves into the critical role of self-love and the powerful notion of inward accountability, providing practical insights into how one can extend love to oneself first before sharing it with others. Through the lens of dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), he sheds light on alternative ways to perceive past memories and challenges, revealing how these tools have been instrumental in his growth.
As he contrasts the dynamics of nurturing friendships with the cautious expression of love, James also touches upon the theme of authenticity, contemplating why people lie and the repercussions of deceit. This heartfelt episode promises to resonate with anyone who's grappling with transitions, seeking to understand the intricacies of human connections, and striving towards a compassionate acceptance of self and others.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Reframing
00:00:08
Speaker
Well, hey there, sweet peas. Welcome back to Friendless. I'm your host, James. I'm from Make-Go, and it is the end of the month, so you know what that means. That's right. It's time for another Little Guy episode. This month, we're going to do a little bit of a deep dive into reframing. What it is, how to do it, why it's helpful, and all the rest of that. I've also got a brand new batch of listener questions that I cannot wait to get to. It's going to be an absolute blast.
00:00:33
Speaker
So why don't we get right into it, lean back, get comfy, set your volume at a reasonable level to protect those beautiful little ears of yours, and enjoy my Little Guy episode for March 2024 here on Friendless.
Emotional Oscillation and Healing
00:00:47
Speaker
the clocks have sprung ahead, the cherry blossoms are starting to bloom, and boy oh boy has the rain not stopped. It is spring once again. I don't know about you all but it was a weird month for me. This time of the year I'm constantly oscillating back and forth between this sort of like
00:01:24
Speaker
just going really soft and really gentle and really allowing the processes and the healing that I have been practicing over the last couple of months to just continue to take hold. This funny thing happens when you practice things enough. They almost, in a way, start to feel like they're not working because
00:01:37
Speaker
the the the
00:01:46
Speaker
they go from being these like needed mindful moments every morning where you know i remind myself to do this or to do that you know do my gratitude practice do my dead hangs or whatever it might be and as you do them day in day out they become second nature and and i know for me
00:02:04
Speaker
It starts to feel like I'm almost regressing because my brain is constantly looking for novelty, right? And I'm fed by that sort of dopamine kick of something new. And so when the initial burst of that unique quality sort of settles in, I struggle to maintain it.
00:02:25
Speaker
But that really is when the practice actually takes root, isn't it? It's like a long-term relationship almost, where the sort of buzzy, giddy initial stages are done and settled in, and now you understand the true benefits and you really see what the actual truth is at the bottom of something. I don't know, maybe that was a bit of a stretch of a metaphor, who knows?
Techniques in Reframing Experiences
00:02:53
Speaker
But the reason I wanted to talk about reframing is that I've been continuing work on this dialectical behavior therapy workbook that I got a couple months ago. By the way, if you want one of the absolute best workbooks possible, I cannot recommend this book enough.
00:03:13
Speaker
I'll put a link in the show notes if you want to check it out. It's been incredibly helpful for me. I'm going pretty slow with it because I'm trying really hard to really ingrain each step as deeply as possible before moving on to the next thing. But through this DBT work, there's several elements around reframing that come up that I'd like to explore.
00:03:33
Speaker
And you know, of course, before I do, I always I just want to remind everybody like I'm no professional anything, you know, I teach tech skills online. Like I'm not a clinical psychologist. I'm not a trained therapist. I'm just somebody who is learning about this stuff for my own benefit and then trying to sort of like put forward my interpretation of things. So please don't take my word ever as gospel. I am just somebody who likes talking about this stuff.
00:03:59
Speaker
And if it's something that interests you, please, you know, get the resources you need, speak to professionals. You know, I don't want to say do your own research because that has the wrong connotations. But like I really encourage you to explore these these terms and this this wealth of knowledge and these modalities on your own time, because I think they're incredibly helpful. And, you know, every
00:04:26
Speaker
Every new discovery I make just feels like this revelation that I'm sort of like discovering myself a little bit more. So I really do recommend leading into it. And this is just my take on stuff. So I'll probably get some stuff wrong. A lot of it will be personal interpretation.
00:04:44
Speaker
Yeah, I just thought I would just kind of caveat that before, you know, people start coming at me in the comments. So reframing at the heart in my estimation is taking an experience that elicits some kind of big emotion. You know, it could be any kind of emotion. It could be anywhere from
00:05:03
Speaker
Rage and pain and grief to joy and ecstasy, right? But taking that experience and trying to look at it as an object outside of yourself.
00:05:19
Speaker
and look at it from a new angle, right? You know, you're trying to reframe it, right? So it's not always about like doing the polar opposite thing. That is another technique within DBT about acting opposite, but it's about looking at it from new angles and seeing what insights you can gain by allowing yourself to be curious rather than being too rigid and locked into the narrative that you've created for yourself.
00:05:45
Speaker
So often, we create these stories around our experiences that are not remotely based in reality. They're based on what we felt at the time and often what we felt at the time was dysregulated, disassociated, and not actually in control of our full faculties. So that clouds our judgment and that clouds our memories of the event.
00:06:08
Speaker
And instead, what it ingrains and what gets hooked in us is the big feelings, the pain, the fear, the grief, whatever it might be. And reframing, in my experience over the last couple of months, has been about looking at those experiences and doing my best not to change the emotion. The objective is never to stop feeling something. It's to learn how to tolerate that feeling and also learn how to
00:06:38
Speaker
I guess the word is control it, but it's more about, um, about deciding what I'm going to do about it now that it's done. Um, so, you know, very often, um, we'll look back at past experiences and we'll tell ourselves we made a mistake, right? You know, we, we chose poorly and because of that, this happened. So it must be us. We were wrong and we're bad because of it. And, and we're just a big walking mistake.
00:07:07
Speaker
And what I've been doing has been reframing every experience I have, not as good or bad, but just learning moments, right? It's just moments where I came to a crossroad and I had the information that I had at the time. And I made a decision based on that information.
00:07:25
Speaker
things then happen because of those choices. There were repercussions as there are in every choice that you make. And now where I am today is if an event like that comes up again, I have the choice to either perpetuate the cycle and make the same choice I made last time. And even though I know what's going to happen, even though I have all the information necessary and I know that it will have the same outcome,
00:07:53
Speaker
Or I can learn and I can take that new information and I can try a new choice and I can see what happens there. And I think in a lot of ways, this is how people get stuck in these cyclical behaviors, is that it's easier to behave in a way that you know. Whether the outcome is good or bad, it doesn't matter because you know what will happen. So that's a form of, you know, sort of like control, right? It's a way of saying, I know this is going to suck. I know this is going to hurt me, but at least I know this is what's going to happen.
00:08:22
Speaker
Whereas if I make some new choice, I don't know what will happen. What if it hurts worse? What if, you know, any number of things? And so I'm just going to keep making the same choice and not risk something new.
Self-Accountability and Relationships
00:08:35
Speaker
Another element of reframing is about self accountability. You know, the more I learned about, you know, codependency, the deeper I get into shadow work and really unpack what
00:08:47
Speaker
my anxious attachment truly means you know there's there's lots of really good qualities of anxious attachment about you know I lean in I care I want to be supportive I want to be there for the people that I love there's also shadow work
00:09:04
Speaker
Involved in anxious attachment though. There's a lot of manipulation. There's a lot of subterfuge. There's a lot of It's almost like What's the word for it? It's like negotiation in that like if you know, I want to give this to you So you should want to give it to me right and when somebody doesn't give to you then suddenly now they're the bad guy and
00:09:24
Speaker
But the anxious brain will justify that, will say, well, I gave this to you, so how dare you not want to give it to me? I have so much love to give, how dare you not do the same, right? But we think, well, we're just doing this in love. And it's not, it's manipulation, it's a tactic, and it needs to be addressed. And that comes through self-accountability, which comes through self-acceptance and self-love, right? You know, I've been harping on this the last couple months, but it really, really is the truth.
00:09:51
Speaker
You cannot change until you accept yourself. You're never going to hold someone else accountable. That's just not possible. There's no such thing as outward accountability. There's only inward accountability. I think that there is a reluctance to look at ourselves because there's a fear that if I take accountability for myself, I will have to accept that I have
00:10:17
Speaker
made choices that I don't like. And I'll have to look at myself in a way that I don't want to frame myself. So there's a lot of fear and there's a lot of avoidance. And if you practice self-acceptance and self-love and unconditional love,
00:10:35
Speaker
then suddenly looking at those moments hurts a little bit less. There's obviously still pain. There's always going to be pain involved. Again, this isn't about stopping feeling. This is about tolerating those feelings and simply looking at the facts, not the narrative that you've created in your mind to justify what you did, but just looking at exactly what happened.
00:11:00
Speaker
And very often, I know in my practice, that's been about removing blame for anything and simply seeing why something happened. I can see the choices I made and I can see the dysregulation I was in. I can see the choice other people made and I can understand what instincts and what protective subconscious choices they were making for themselves in that moment.
Intent vs. Impact and Self-Love
00:11:25
Speaker
Which gets into questions of things like intent versus impact because you know if your intention on the surface is one thing but your subconscious is doing another then what responsibility does each hold and and where does the impact of that
00:11:41
Speaker
get judged, which of course bounces into these questions of empathy and understanding. And I think, you know, I was talking about it with Jibri in a recent episode about this idea that, you know, you can be empathetic and at the same time too, you know, holding a limit is still an act of love because you're giving yourself love. And that's what it always has to come down to, right? Is you have to give yourself the love before anyone else.
00:12:06
Speaker
If you're giving other people love before you're giving it to yourself, you're not actually giving love. You're giving a manipulation. You're giving a bargaining chip that comes with expectations. And so if you root it always in, I'm going to do this because I've given myself the love first, then anything you do for other people is going to be rooted in that same love. And that's not selfish. That's not ego. That's not arrogance. That's self-preservation, which is an act of love.
00:12:35
Speaker
And I think, in my experience, that has been something that has been really weaponized and something that has been really miscommunicated and misconstrued. But I'm spinning myself way out there. Sorry, I tell stories, you know, typical ADHD, I just kind of bounce in ping pong. So I really hope everybody's following along here.
00:12:57
Speaker
For me, you know, where it's been most prevalent, where reframing has been most prevalent has been twofold. It's been in reassessing the last couple months of my life and the collapse of my previous relationship and the pain and the chaos and the confusion that came out of that.
00:13:16
Speaker
But beyond that it's also been in the exploration the much deeper exploration I've been doing of my inner child work and you know addressing the pain that Has been in my body since I was pre verbal and finding ways to tolerate that and to accept that
00:13:36
Speaker
Those moments are gone. Those people are not in my life and they're not ever coming back. And that does not diminish my value as a person. That does not diminish my worthiness of love and understanding and acceptance. It simply means that those are people who can't give that and that's fine. So I'm working instead on just giving myself that love.
00:13:57
Speaker
And every time I have these moments of fear, these moments of panic, these moments of dysregulation, I start with framing it around self-love.
Practical Steps in Reframing
00:14:08
Speaker
I am safe with myself. I love myself unconditionally and I will always have my back first. So no matter what's happening, I'm always safe with myself. So I'm never technically alone.
00:14:20
Speaker
So, you know, now that I've kind of danced around my personal take on it, you know, I thought I would talk about like, how could you, if you were interested in trying this out, how could you try reframing something? So here's a couple just like really easy kind of entry level steps to explore reframing a memory.
00:14:39
Speaker
The first thing, of course, is that you want to acknowledge this memory, right? So you need to face it and you need to look at it and accept that this is something that happened and this is something that you want to acknowledge.
00:14:55
Speaker
As you sit with it, you start asking what thoughts are coming up. Are they positive? Are they negative? What is it that is coming up as you think of the memory? Is it thoughts on yourself? Is it thoughts on the event? Is it thoughts on other people? What are the thoughts that are being triggered when this memory comes up?
00:15:14
Speaker
When you start evaluating this, you start looking at the negative thoughts and you start wanting to really challenge these. You do that by using the facts. And if you do not know the facts, you do your best to remove negative judgments on it. If you don't know what someone was thinking,
00:15:35
Speaker
stop assuming the worst in them. If you don't know something, stop assuming it was because of something malicious or something negative and do your best to really challenge any kind of negative framing that's going on in your mind. This isn't about being toxically positive. This is about really trying to just take that burden off of yourself, take the weight off of you and try
00:16:00
Speaker
to let yourself off the hook. There's the old cliche of holding resentments is like poisoning yourself and hoping your enemy dies, right? It doesn't matter what somebody else thinks about you. It doesn't matter what somebody else remembers of you or how they talk about you or how they interpret you. None of that matters because they're not in your life anymore. These are not people who exist.
00:16:23
Speaker
So whatever it is they're feeling doesn't exist for you. And what matters is how you feel about yourself. So it's really okay to just, you know, forgive people. Like that doesn't mean let them back in, but it's going to be much more beneficial to challenge these, these angry thoughts, these negative thoughts and, and allow yourself to feel at peace with what's happened.
00:16:48
Speaker
Forgiveness doesn't mean capitulation it doesn't mean letting them back into your life it simply means I'm letting you go and I'm letting you off the hook because first and foremost I'm letting myself off the hook you can start getting deeper into it by doing things like considering alternative perspectives you know looking at this sort of like growth mindset and and really trying to figure out like
00:17:08
Speaker
So if there's something you don't know about a memory, can you start exploring what possibilities were going on? Why could this have happened? Instead of being rigidly locked into the narrative you already have, instead ask yourself what could possibly have happened here? Why could this have happened? And more importantly, going forward, what can I do differently next time? Which anchors itself in something that I've said for a long time
00:17:34
Speaker
and that I broke my rule on for a while in past relationships and I'm coming back to and it's this idea that I'm no longer interested in apologies. I don't care what people have to say. Never say sorry. I don't care. I don't want it. I don't need it. What I am expecting of the people who stay in my life is how they're going to demonstrate how they're going to behave differently going forward.
00:17:57
Speaker
Words mean absolutely nothing if actions aren't used to back them up. So if somebody is continually saying one thing and doing something different, always believe the actions over the words. The baseline here is a gratitude practice. You know, it's this idea of
00:18:14
Speaker
Framing every event as a learning moment. And how lucky are you to be able to continue to learn? How lucky are you to have survived everything you have and to have been able to take all that information and to apply it to your life going forward? A lot of really bad shit happens in the world. It has happened. It will continue to happen and that sucks. And it also doesn't mean you have to just lay down and give up.
00:18:39
Speaker
Finding anything to be grateful in every situation is a practice and it's a muscle and it takes a lot of work to do. And it also is going to be a really key tool in building resilience and building tolerance of these uncomfortable feelings and learning how to proceed and heal going forward.
00:19:02
Speaker
It's been an incredibly key factor in my own healing process and I really, really recommend it for everyone. I actually bought myself what I thought was this really cheesy gratitude journal a couple months ago and I didn't use it until about mid-February and I haven't missed a day since.
00:19:24
Speaker
Honestly, it has become such an anchor for me to, you know, I start my day and I end my day with a little gratitude page in the journal and it's been incredible. And again, it doubles back to this thing of like, you know, I was talking at the start about like, when things start becoming instinct, when they start becoming subconscious, you sort of lose the meaning. But that's good because that means that they're taking root within you.
00:19:50
Speaker
So much of our subconscious is rooted in the negative. It's rooted in the judgmental, the fearful, the angry, whatever it might be. And so when these peaceful and passive and calming instincts start taking root, that's when you know you're really processing and you're really proceeding in a healthy direction.
Therapies for Reframing
00:20:09
Speaker
You know, I mentioned DBT at the start. Reframing is a little bit more centered in cognitive behavioral therapy, you know, CBT, which I would also recommend. I discovered CBT through my ADHD diagnosis. I discovered DBT from dating someone with borderline, which is an episode in and of itself that I don't feel adequately prepared to dip my toes into.
00:20:36
Speaker
I think both modalities are incredibly helpful and especially actually coupled together. I find that they really build together. I'll put some resources in the show notes for everyone to check out if you're interested in exploring more, but I hope this was a helpful little intro to reframing. It's been incredibly helpful for me and I really encourage everyone to start exploring it a little bit more in their own daily lives.
Listener Questions on Reframing
00:21:08
Speaker
I've got a brand new batch of listener questions that I've been really excited to dive into. They are a lot more intense than in most months. I put out a call for questions on Instagram recently asking for questions about reframing and you did not disappoint. So let's dive right into it. Question number one, when did you stop seeing your parents as infallible godlike creatures?
00:21:36
Speaker
That's a tough one. I don't know how in-depth I want to go. I think that when I graduated from university, I hadn't really spoken to my dad in years and my brother was getting married and I flew out for the wedding.
00:21:59
Speaker
And I remember my dad and I, we did a couple drives into the city and out. They lived in the country in Nova Scotia at the time, and so we were driving Halifax for different events.
00:22:14
Speaker
that gave us a lot of time to just kind of sit with each other and you know it wasn't that I was seeing him as this god figure it's that it gave me the chance to to just see him as the person that he is and to see him as a man who just did his best and it was really when I started to recognize
00:22:35
Speaker
I think another big turning point for me was when I hit the ages that my parents were when you know they were having my brother and then my sister and then me and then getting older than they were when I was born and and recognizing where I am in my life and where they were in that life and and just seeing
00:22:53
Speaker
how fucking hard it must have been. That's been incredibly beneficial for me to just kind of let some of the pain go and to really just accept that they did their best. You know, at times it wasn't good enough and that's for me to process. That's not for, you know, doubling back to this thing of like, I'm never gonna be able to hold anyone accountable for anything.
00:23:20
Speaker
that's something for me to process and yeah that's frustrating. Ideally you wouldn't put something like that on your children but it happens and that doesn't make them bad people. It just makes them people and so yeah I couldn't give you an exact date but
00:23:35
Speaker
Yeah, I really love that question. And I wish I had a more direct answer, but it's something that just happens gradually over time. It's not one wake up moment so much as like lots of little bits that build on each other.
00:23:50
Speaker
This next question is a little bit of a long one. So what's an example of an impactful time someone has come to you after reframing an interaction or experience with you and how did it impact you? Or what about times when your reframing has led to your own growth or the growth of your relationship with another person? What was that like for you and how did it impact you and your relationships?
00:24:15
Speaker
This is a doozy and I have been thinking long and hard about it and I've been trying to to really pinpoint a good example of it. The funny thing is I actually just the other day recorded an interview that's going to be coming out on the feed in a couple weeks that is exactly this and so I don't want to go too deep into details but my friend
00:24:41
Speaker
My dear old friend Scott and I, I can use his name because as I said, he's gonna be on an episode coming up where we talk about this. But we have known each other for decades. We've known each other since junior high and there's a lot of water under that bridge and there are a lot of misinterpretations and there's been a lot of pain. There's been so much more love and so much more connection, but there have been moments of disconnection.
00:25:10
Speaker
And taking that time, taking that space, allowing each other to be mad, allowing each other to step back and reflect and then come back and reconnect has been incredibly helpful. It's allowed me to grow. It's allowed him to grow. It's allowed our connection to thrive. And it's created a much deeper bond for each other.
00:25:36
Speaker
We haven't always been the best friend to each other, but he is one of if not my best friend and Because of that we have the space within that friendship to to make mistakes and we don't just obliterate the friendship we we we have room to fuck up and we have room to
00:26:01
Speaker
fuck up with each other and not have to worry about being abandoned because of it there's been times where there's been being split big splits there's been time apart but both of us have known that we would always come back to the other because you know there's just you only get so many friends like that in your life and you really
00:26:22
Speaker
Do you need to nurture them? Friendship, just like love, is a verb. It's something you work at. It's something you do. You aren't a friend. You do friendship.
00:26:38
Speaker
He, I think, is a really shining example of someone who continues to work at it. We've had so many disagreements and we've had so many connections and every time we reconnect, we allow each other the space to see the other's perspective. We get curious with each other. We ask each other what was going on. We allow each other's reality to be real and valid.
00:27:00
Speaker
Don't push back too much against it. Funny enough, actually, in the interview, we get talking about one event and I clocked myself getting really defensive and argumentative and I stopped myself real quick because I was like, no, that's not the point. I'm here to listen.
00:27:17
Speaker
So you'll actually be able to hear live in real time me clocking my instincts and reframing it and stopping myself from going down that sort of subconscious path, which I'm really proud of. And I'm also really proud of Scott and I'm really proud of the connection that we have and the friendship we had.
00:27:39
Speaker
So yeah, that I think has been an example of reframing in that there's been times when we've said something to each other that has been just so wildly off the mark. We've taken our space, we've come back later, we've talked it out, and we've realized where each other was coming from. And that has done nothing but rebuild that connection. And I remain so, so deeply grateful for that.
00:28:02
Speaker
Those were a little wild card question in.
Nostalgia and Personal Reflection
00:28:05
Speaker
How many pairs of glasses do you own? And what frame style is your favorite? Currently I own, oh god, I think technically three, but it's mostly because I finally got healthcare this year and so I went to see the eye doctor for the first time in a couple years and had coverage so I bought a couple pairs. I mostly just wear one pair though.
00:28:27
Speaker
You've seen them intact on TikTok at the my silver pair I have a little like roundy pair, but those are my go-and-out glasses. So I wear those sometimes when I'm going dancing but You know, it's funny. I I feel this lingering resentment that the the the frame style that was so pervasive in the 90s that would get me beat up all the time and
00:28:51
Speaker
is now like the cool guy glasses, which I guess in a certain way is sort of healing for my inner child because now that I have those glasses today, you know, they're considered trendy, but I still feel this like you didn't know. You'll never know the pain that we went through.
00:29:09
Speaker
Which is good. You know what? I'm not one of those people who believes it. That's like kind of froshing, isn't it? It's like hazing. It's like, well, I went through it. I turned up fine. So you should go through it too. Fuck that shit. You know, if it looks good on you, I have more power to you. And luckily they've started looking good on me again too. So, so everybody's benefiting, right?
Reframing Love and Relationships
00:29:30
Speaker
Next question is, do you have higher or lower expectations of friends lately? And this is such a great question. It's something I ask myself a lot lately. I am actually working on having no expectations is the real answer.
00:29:46
Speaker
This centers around this idea that, you know, I've touched on in the episode, I've touched on in interviews of I can only live my life. And when we apply expectations onto each other, we're preparing ourselves to be disappointed because people are not going to be where you are. They're going to be on their journey. And that is OK. That doesn't make them bad people. That doesn't make one of you, you know,
00:30:11
Speaker
Lesser or worse off than the other it just simply means you're on your journey and every once in a while our paths will collide and every once in a while they'll spin away and so If we were framing it higher lower, I guess it's lower expectations, but then it's it's higher expectations on myself In the sense that it's not about pressure. It's not about like I must perform better
00:30:34
Speaker
But it's that like my expectation is that I'm going to give myself the love that I need. And I'm not going to look for that from other people. If they want to give love, that's great. But if they don't, that's great. It doesn't matter because my inner world and my inner work is centered around giving myself that love and not needing it from other people.
00:30:56
Speaker
So yeah, my expectations are, if anything, I'm working on eliminating them all together and just letting people be who they are rather than who I want them to be. Obviously, this is substantially easier said than done, but it is something that I'm working on. There's a follow-up question from them that says, how are you framing love nowadays? And again, I love this question.
00:31:20
Speaker
because it really is the same elements of this past question. You know, love for me is something that I am only exploring with myself right now. I have put away serious dating for the time being and I'm just focusing on rebuilding myself. You know, the fallout of this last relationship has been really, really hard to be forced to grieve the loss of a future that
00:31:49
Speaker
not only is not going to happen but very likely was never going to happen that it was all just kind of smoke and mirrors and having to come to terms with the amount of lying that was involved and the amount of manipulation that was involved and and you know gaslighting if I'm being completely blunt
00:32:08
Speaker
And having to come to terms with all that has really pulled me away from wanting to meet other people or love other people. That doesn't mean that's forever. Everything is temporary. Anything that lives is finite. And so it will change, I know, down the road. But right now, I am not interested in giving love to anyone but myself.
00:32:35
Speaker
and that feels really exciting. March has been a very solitary month for me. I've seen friends, I've gone out, I've gone on dates, but it's been predominantly spent in solitude, and if I've learned anything, it's that I'm a really good company.
00:32:54
Speaker
I really like spending time with myself. I really like what I like to do and I find myself really great company so I'm framing love around how do I give myself all the love that I didn't receive or that I expected from others and they couldn't give.
00:33:11
Speaker
I had this whole episode recorded actually and then completely threw it out because I got a little too in the weeds of some interactions I had with, you know, former friends and stuff
Community Support and Accountability
00:33:22
Speaker
like that. But this is, you know, without dipping my toes too deeply into it, it's these two questions that I've been really chewing on based on past experiences I had.
00:33:35
Speaker
I'm someone who really believes what people say. Whether that's just a product of my autism, whether that is a product of my anxious attachment, I don't know. But I struggle to understand why people would lie.
00:33:52
Speaker
And the truth of the matter is most of the time people don't even know that they're lying because their instincts go come into play. Their subconscious comes into play. And something that I have been really working on releasing with myself coming back to the reframing thing is this pain that, you know, there was the loss of a partner, but there was also a loss of a community.
00:34:11
Speaker
And a lot of members of that community, as things were deteriorating, were saying that they supported me, saying that they loved me, saying that they were there for me, and then they never showed up again. They were gone. And that hurt so bad. And there's no justice in that. There is just what people did, what people said, and what they're doing now.
00:34:35
Speaker
And for a long time, you know, my instinct was to say, oh, you never love me. Fuck all this. Fuck all you. Go eat shit and die. Right. But the truth of the matter is that, you know, that is eliminating these people as people. That's simply propping them up as objects in my narrative. Once again, coming back to this reframing thing, you know.
00:34:57
Speaker
I never communicated properly with them about my needs. And so when I sat in that hurt and I isolated myself from them, but blamed them for that pain, you know, I was simply re-instigating a wound that didn't need to be there. And of course, you know, other things happened since where, you know, they've bought into things that I don't agree with.
00:35:24
Speaker
And it's a two-way street. My phone's on too, right? But I'm happy to take accountability from my side. I don't think that accountability always means reaching out. I don't think accountability always means
00:35:41
Speaker
communicating, but I think that it means accepting what is true as best as you can within yourself. Of course, the irony of talking about this on a podcast that not a single one of them is listening to is not lost on me, but here we are, right?
00:36:00
Speaker
But it also has led me to another thing I talk about in some upcoming episodes, but I'll talk about it a little bit here, is that I've decided to become, temporarily at least, much more cautious around who I say I love you to. I think that it gets used really flippantly and has the potential to be really destructive, unintentionally. If you tell people you love them, that means something. And that means something to them.
00:36:29
Speaker
So when you say you love someone and then you don't back it up, that just accelerates and amplifies the pain of that fallout. So I have decided to become much more cautious around who I express my love to. I'm going to express it to myself first and foremost and anybody else after
00:36:51
Speaker
I've gotten my fill. I'm going to be a lot more cautious around and a lot more picky around because I have not been protective of my love and I have not been protected from what other people have thought was their love.
00:37:07
Speaker
And so those are the questions I'm pondering within myself about what love is. And you know, love is safety, but more than that, it's about consistency. And when you can't be consistent with someone, don't tell them you love them. That's kind of where I stand right now.
00:37:24
Speaker
That'll change, but that's where I am these days. And the last question to round out this session.
Art Framing and Humor
00:37:32
Speaker
Do you think the frame they chose for the Moda Lisa is appropriate or did they miss the mark? And, you know, okay, so I have to be completely honest. I did not. I have never been to Paris. I've never seen the Moda Lisa. I've heard that it's much smaller in real life than you would expect.
00:37:47
Speaker
I did some Google searches and I'm of two minds. On one hand, it does feel a little compensating, you know, knowing how small the painting actually is. It feels like half the painting is the frame. And at the same time too, like I'm all about a good frame. I'm not somebody who can actually afford good frames. You know, looking around my living room, I've got a lot of IKEA frames. I've got some dollar store frames. I've got a few that are just
00:38:13
Speaker
that I've painted on that I've put up I've got those like those those corner stickers you know that like look like frame corners so that it doesn't look like you've just put a piece of paper on your wall but I have no good like meaty reach frames and so you know I say more power to him right lean in make it even bigger you know who doesn't love a good like
00:38:35
Speaker
uh what's what's the word i'm looking for embroidered no you know the the flowery the the patterning the gold like who doesn't love a really ostentatious sparkly something um especially if you're framing you know the quote unquote greatest painting ever made like you might as well stand out right so did they miss the mark i don't know what was the mark uh should it be like a very pious like
00:38:59
Speaker
Is that frame smiling at me or not kind of vibe? Or should it be like, this is the Mona Lisa, right? I don't know. I don't know. What mark is there in art framing? I wish I had a better answer for you, but that's where I am today.
Conclusion and Gratitude
00:39:20
Speaker
That is going to be it for me this month. Thank you so much for listening through. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you want more resources on reframing, on DBT, on CBT, you're going to find links in the show notes for that while you're there. Why not sign up for the weekly friendless sub-stack? You're going to get five recommendations every week for things to check out, things like
00:39:44
Speaker
YouTube videos, news articles, books, movies, TV shows, all kinds of fun stuff to distract yourself from the hellscape of reality. You're gonna get a curated poem that I have enjoyed that week as well as a monthly playlist of music to cry to.
00:40:02
Speaker
I am expanding to do some hopefully bi-weekly essays, things like that, but I just have not had the capacity for it these days. I am hoping to get that launched soon, so do check that out. Sign up for that in the show notes. As always, give Friendless a follow on all the social medias, TikTok, Instagram, at FriendlessPod.
00:40:22
Speaker
Follow hey sorry I missed you on Instagram my daily year-long Novel in verse I have been absolutely loving the work that I'm putting out. I'm getting a really really kind reception You know slowly, but surely building an audience, but either way. I'm loving what I'm putting out and Maybe you will too so check that out at hey. Sorry. I missed you
00:40:45
Speaker
But that's it for me this week, so let's wrap this up here. Thank you so much for listening, and I hope I catch you back here next week with a brand new episode, but hey, I'm not gonna worry about that right now, and neither should you, because that is then, and this is now. So for now, I'll just say I love you, and I wish you well. Fun and safety, sweeties.
00:41:08
Speaker
you.
00:41:37
Speaker
you