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Stop Coming Out! (Do This Instead...)
962 Plays2 days ago
Welcome to Season 10 and the future of Two Bi Guys (By One Bi Guy)! I’m switching things up a bit, and today I’m sharing a couple of explainer videos that I recently posted to YouTube, plus important updates about the pod and my coaching practice.
I will continue to interview activists, authors, artists, researchers, coaches, and others with interesting things to share about bisexuality, fluidity, gender, and the relationship spectrum on this platform, but I am also branching out and creating new types of content, and I’m experimenting with cross-pollination. Let me know what you think. If you haven’t yet checked out my YouTube page, I’d love it if you would (link below), and I hope you enjoy today’s explainers!
Stay tuned for more interviews and other experiments coming soon. Thanks for being here and helping me get to season 10!
Two Bi Guys on YouTube: youtube.com/@twobiguys
Subscribe to my newsletter (for updates on group coaching and more): https://www.robertbrookscohen.com/newsletter
Book a free intro call with me (re: individual coaching): https://calendly.com/robertbrookscohen/25-minute-free-intro-call
Attend “Fluid Conversations”: https://calendly.com/robertbrookscohen/fluid-conversations
Visit my website: https://www.robertbrookscohen.com/
Follow TBG on IG (and message me for direct correspondence): https://www.instagram.com/twobiguys/
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Transcript
Welcome and Season 10 Overview
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Music
00:00:12
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Hello everybody, welcome to season 10 of 2BuyGuys. I can hardly believe it. We're going to reach episode 100 this season and I think I'm going to do things a little differently. i know I always say that it's always an experiment but I'm just thinking this season takes a little bit different shape and maybe I even stopped doing seasons because what is a season and season 10 just continues and goes on and on. and takes whatever shape it takes. I say that because I wanted to try something a little different today. I do have an interview coming soon, I promise you that, with Joshua Gebhardt.
00:00:45
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He is a counselor who specializes in mixed orientation
Personal Growth and Format Changes
00:00:49
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couples. He wrote his dissertation on it. But in the meantime, something I've been working on lately for my own growth and personal development is slowing down and not doing too many things and not pushing work out. just to be on a consistent timeframe because the algorithm loves it, but actually to slow down and go at the pace that is right for me. I have felt lately that pushing stuff out when it's not really flowing out of me is not only unnecessary, but it actually jams things up and it doesn't create the best flow of information and of energy. And actually, if I slow down a little more truth and authenticity will come through. So I will continue the interviews with 2BuyGuys, but they may come at a slightly slower pace.
Video Content and 'Inviting In' Concept
00:01:37
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That said, I am doing lots of other kinds of work and I figured I might as well share it here instead of it being so fragmented. So what I've been doing lately is a YouTube strategy. I've been putting video clips from 2BuyGuys onto YouTube. They were previously on Patreon only and the full videos are still Patreon only, but I'm starting to put certain clips on YouTube. I've also been doing some explainer videos where I just talk to you about stuff I've learned and stuff I've been through.
00:02:07
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I share my experiences and some insights I've received and some insights I've gained through coaching other people through the same things. So I have now a series of about five minute short explainer videos on YouTube. There are probably a dozen there. And as I'm trying to grow the YouTube page, I'm just realizing, why shouldn't I share that that content here as well? Because there are more listeners here, thanks to you for subscribing to the podcast over the years.
00:02:34
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ah There are more of you here than there are listening and watching on YouTube yet. And so I would love for you guys to check out the YouTube page so we can help that grow. But since you're here anyway, I figured I'd share the content because you might like it.
00:02:48
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So today I thought I would share two of those recent videos with you. The first one is titled, Do Not Come Out As Bisexual. Trying to make these titles somewhat controversial. Stay tuned and listen. And then after that one, we'll have a little break. And then I'm going to play a video called, Are Pansexuals Just Rebranded Bisexuals? Another clickbaity headline, Gotta Feed the Algorithm.
00:03:13
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But really this video is about the differences and similarities between bisexuality and pansexuality. So let me know what you think of this format. Have you already heard these? Is this necessary or not? If you like these, you can go check out more on my YouTube page. You can subscribe there. Would you like me to expand on these even more?
00:03:33
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um Should I like do a podcast and just like talk more? um I don't know. I'm experimenting and exploring. You can always message me on social media at 2biGuys or at Robert Brooks Cohen. I always answer. Sometimes I forget to check for a few days, but I always answer. So let me know what you think. And here is the first video on why you should not come out as bisexual.
00:03:58
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Enjoy.
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Whatever you do, do not come out as bisexual. Invite people in instead. I know you've heard on my podcast how much I benefited from coming out in a pretty big way on the podcast, and many of my guests have said the same thing, but I've reframed it lately, and it's been so much more helpful. for my clients and for other people I talk to, to think of it as inviting people in instead of coming out.
00:04:30
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Coming out centers the other person, whereas inviting them in to know you better, it centers your autonomy. And you get to choose who earns access to your truth, not the other way around. You don't owe it to anyone to come out.
00:04:46
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I'll say that again. You don't owe it to anyone, not your parents or your family, not your closest friends. They have to earn your trust to come inside the circle. Sometimes coming out can feel like this performance you have to do for everyone, but inviting people in is more relational and it makes sense to choose person by person who gets access. I heard this reframe about a year ago and it made so much sense to me. I love it. I wish I had known to invite people in instead of coming out in the first place. And whenever I tell coaching clients about this, it really helps them too, especially if they're in that process of starting to share their bisexuality or something else about themselves. And by the way, this goes for anything about your identity, not just sexuality. You get to choose who gets to know you, who you invite in Inviting in is also a helpful reminder that this is not a binary decision. It's not one big grand gesture. At least it doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be. Whatever you call it, sharing your sexuality with other people is an evolution. It's a gradual disclosure process. It's something that's gonna happen on an ongoing basis in your life, whether you make a big Facebook post or not. And it's helpful to think of it as inviting in You're growing that inner circle of people who know the real you. And by the way, another thing, some of my clients and friends have been really stressed about the big, grand disclosure. Sometimes you realize this about yourself and you think you have to tell everyone at once, once you know.
00:06:13
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You don't. You do not have to send a mass email. You do not have to write a big post on social media. You can tell who you want to tell when you're ready. And in fact, with many of the clients I've worked with, thinking of it this way takes away the pressure to tell everyone and opens up space to authentically and calmly bring in the people you want to bring in. And even if you think of it as inviting in, you still don't have to tell anyone. You get to choose who and when comes in. And withholding information for safety, it's not deception. It's self-protection. In some cases, it's physical protection, depending on where you live and who's around you.
00:06:52
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But in other cases, it's emotional protection. It's okay to protect your heart from people who might have a reaction that hurts you. Check in with where you are in the process. And if you're in a tender place still, you sometimes know who's not going to react well, and you can tell how that's going to feel.
00:07:09
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You don't have to do it. You can do it later when you're ready, or you can do it never. That's fine too. Inviting in also puts more of the onus on the other person rather than all on you, because then they have to decide how they're going to show up once they're invited into your home, so to speak. Once you come out, you're out, it's done.
00:07:28
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When you invite in, you can push people out at any time. And so it's an invitation for them to be sensitive and caring and ask thoughtful questions rather than making assumptions. If you're wondering if you should come out or not, don't. If you're wondering if you should invite someone in or not, check in with yourself.
00:07:45
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Do you feel safe? Do you feel ready and supported? Are you doing this out of pressure because you think you should or you have to? And then just sit with it and ask if you really want to. If you don't want to, don't.
00:07:57
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But if you feel ready and if you do invite people in, it can be a beautiful connection. and they can get to know the real you, and you can open a door for them to invite you in to know the real them. When I started inviting people in, I learned a lot about other people that I had not known that I was surprised about. And I'm so grateful I opened up and was vulnerable so that I could get to know them better too. What do you think? Have you come out of the closet? Do you even like that closet analogy? Because I hate it. Most people hate it. Or have you been inviting people in?
00:08:28
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Or when have you chosen not to? Share in the comments. I'm curious. Thanks for listening. I'm Rob from Two Bye Guys. Bye, one bye guy.
00:08:43
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So that was why you should not come out as bi and you should invite people in instead. i love sharing my sexuality with people, but it is such a lovely reframe to invite people in. Okay, in a moment, I will share the next video about bisexuality versus pansexuality. By the way, I also wanted to share that I just finished a group coaching cohort. If you're on my email list, you might already know about this, but I ran a six-week group coaching cohort. It was six queer guys, and I just wanted to share how amazing it was and really transformative for the guys involved, the connections they formed, the discussions that we had, really kind of amazing things came out of it. I asked them for some feedback after one guy in the group wrote participating in the group has sparked tremendous growth and helped me integrate many facets of my life. Each session and every interaction with fellow members introduces something fresh. Another wrote for the first time in my life, I could be completely authentic. No longer needing to wear a straight mask. I was truly seen, heard, and understood. Through the group, I learned, grew, and contributed to the journeys of others.
00:09:57
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Even if only for a moment, each member now holds a place in my heart.
Coaching Feedback and Future Plans
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And I will carry these, those connections forward. Another guy wrote, I definitely found community here and so much more deep friendships and a mutual love among six guys from all over the country, sharing my experiences and very open and authentic ways and learning from the other guys' experiences and insights, navigating the challenges of being a bi slash queer man today and finding new dimensions of being the real me. Just sharing that because I mean, we were all crying in the last session. There were so many tears. ah And I just wanted to share it because it really had an impact on me, too. like I I knew it would be good and go well, but I didn't quite know the magic that would happen.
00:10:43
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So I am going to keep running this. I'm going to do another group coaching cohort that starts in January. i will be announcing it in the next week or so my newsletter. if you're potentially interested in that and you're not yet on my newsletter, go to the link in the show notes and get on my newsletter because that's pretty much the only way you're going to hear about the group at this point. I will announce it again on here, but the way to get the link is to be on my newsletter. If you're hearing this and you haven't been on my newsletter and it's before mid-January, just write me a message on social media and I'll let you know if there's room and we can talk directly there. Also, I wanted to let you know I am available for one-on-one coaching, but thankfully, gratefully, my schedule has been starting to fill in in the second half of this year. And so as a result, and also for other reasons, I'm going to be changing up the format and pricing of my one-on-one coaching in 2026. I want to work with clients who are really committed and really motivated to making a change in their lives, to getting through some challenge they're facing, to transforming themselves in ways that are really difficult to do alone. But I've seen these transformations now over and over again in one-on-one coaching. That said, I wanted to offer one last chance to work with me at the current rate. So if you have been thinking about working with me, but been on the fence, now is the time. If you book a free intro call with me by the end of the year, i will honor the current pricing. I have clients who have been in therapy for many years and coaching is different. Therapy is great. I love therapy. I was in therapy for many years, but coaching really is different because things will change. You won't just learn why you feel the way you feel.
00:12:29
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We will make changes in your life and you will get to where you want to be and be living the life that you want. With coaching, big things can happen. I had a client recently. He wrote this as a testimonial. I wanted to share it.
00:12:42
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Despite using basic therapy to help me calm down my anxiety, I still didn't know where I was going. Rob's coaching has really done wonders for my fear of the future. He just knows what questions to ask at the right time and to find my way over the next hurdle.
00:12:57
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I now have bigger dreams and goals than I could have ever imagined without his coaching. That's beautiful. That last part. I love it. And like, I am really learning to just tap into my intuition in these sessions. You know, how do I know the exact right questions to ask?
00:13:14
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I don't know. i mean, to me, they're just what I'm curious about next. and where my intuition is. And so to hear from him that they were the exact right questions, it really just gives me a lot of trust and faith in the process and in the spirits that are guiding me as I'm getting curious in a session. Like I said, it's kind of magic. Another client recently wrote, working with Rob has been transformative. His empathetic listening and thoughtful guidance have helped me navigate deeply personal challenges with clarity and confidence. Through our sessions, I've developed a stronger sense of self-love and acceptance, enabling me to show up more authentically in every area of my life. This journey hasn't been easy, but Rob's ability to create a safe and affirming space has been truly invaluable. I genuinely look forward to every coaching session with him.
00:14:05
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That's very sweet. And I now look forward to my coaching sessions too. i think at the beginning, it felt kind of like work and I would get nervous. And now I just trust the process so much that they really are fun for me too.
00:14:19
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And I love digging deeper and figuring out what's going on. I'm upping my intro calls from 25 minutes to 50 minutes, 50 to 60, because I can't, I just can't get to know someone in 25 minutes. And these calls are totally free. That's a free intro call. There's no obligation. And we will dig into what's going on. I'm not going to sell you coaching for 50 minutes.
00:14:39
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I'm going to coach you for 50 minutes. And then I'll tell you what I offer. And if you want to sign up, you can. But really what we're doing in these sessions is creating a powerful coaching experience so that you can actually see what it's like. And I promise it's not very scary. You just get to talk to me about your life. It's fun. Okay, that's all i'm going to say about coaching. Thank you for bearing with me. i won't do these plugs all the time in every episode. But since things are kind of changing and shifting for me, i wanted to give you all...
00:15:08
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the update and give you the chance to sign up before the rates go up. More new stuff is probably coming in 2026 too, because I've been in a season of transformation. But like I said, I'm slowing things down one step at a time. So stay tuned for more. Subscribe to the
Exploring Bisexuality and Pansexuality
00:15:26
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newsletter. And now here is another YouTube video. It's about the difference between pansexuality and bisexuality. So here we go. Here's the next video.
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Enjoy.
00:15:44
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So what is the difference between bisexual and pansexual? This comes up a lot, there is a lot of overlap, there is a difference but it's kind of complicated and I will argue that the differences are not nearly as important as the similarities. let's start with bisexual, which is the umbrella term, and here's why. Bisexual means you have the potential for attractions to more than one and gender. I know that the prefix bi means two, but bisexual does not mean attracted to two and only two genders. As our conception of gender has evolved, so has our conception of sexuality. And bisexual now means potential attraction to two or more genders, or more than one gender. I always go back to Robin Oakes definition and most of the bi community uses that definition. Robin Oakes is an amazing bisexual activist and what she says is that I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted romantically and or sexually to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree. I love this definition for many reasons. She says, I call myself bisexual, not you should call yourself bisexual, because it's really a self-identification. You have to decide for yourself, and if you don't think you're bisexual, then you're not. She also separates romantic and or sexual attraction, because your potential to be attracted to other genders can be romantic, sexual, both, and all of that is valid. Some people are romantically attracted to one gender, but sexually attracted to more than one gender.
00:17:24
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That counts as bisexual. She also specifies that your attractions to different genders do not have to necessarily happen at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree. There's kind of a myth that bisexuality means you're 50-50 attracted to men and women exactly the same way. For most bi people, that is not true. And for many bi people, they're attracted to different genders in different ways, at different times, to different degrees, and that's normal. Bisexuality is an umbrella term. We tend to call it these days the bi plus umbrella.
00:17:55
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It is an umbrella that encompasses many different multi-spectrum attractions. Basically, there are a lot of different sexualities where people are attracted to more than one gender, and those all fall under the bi umbrella. Now let's talk about pansexuality, which falls under the bi umbrella. Pan means all, so people who identify as pansexual typically find themselves attracted to all genders. Another way people say this is that they are attracted to people regardless of gender, or that gender isn't a factor to them, they're attracted to the person, not the gender. So typically for pan people, gender just doesn't come into play in terms of their frequency of attraction, type of attraction, intensity of attraction. They're just attracted to the person and gender doesn't really matter. Many bi people feel this way too. Pansexuality is under the bi umbrella. If you're attracted to all genders, which is the definition of pansexuality, then by definition you are attracted to more than one gender, since all is more than one, and therefore you also fall under the bi umbrella. So there is a ton of overlap among bi and pan. Many many bi people I know fit the definition of pan too, and they choose the word bi for many different reasons. the history, the simplicity, the fact that most people kind of know what it means even though not everyone knows what pansexuality means. That said, identifying as pansexual is also totally valid. And it's a lovely thing to express to the world that you have attraction regardless of gender. That's beautiful. I personally identify as both bi and pan. The only thing I do caution against is identifying as pansexual because you feel that the word bi is transphobic or doesn't include non-binary people. This is actually a myth. It's kind of bi-phobic and it's not true. Bisexuality has always included and even centered the trans community. Many bi leaders and activists have been trans and non-binary throughout the history of bisexuality. And almost all people I know that identify as bi are inclusive of trans and non-binary people in their attractions. While technically bi could mean you're only attracted to cis men and cis women, that is possible. I just haven't met that many people like that. It is totally valid, but the word bisexual itself is not trans exclusive. It is not non-binary exclusive. I identify as bisexual. I'm married to a trans woman. I also like the term queer, which to me just means anything that's not straight. And this could be on all different spectrums. That's a whole other topic to get into the history of the word queer, but that is a more inclusive term that I like to use lately. It connects the entire queer community, and we have so much in common. Same with bi and pan. A lot of fuss is made over the difference between bi and pan, and while it is interesting and somewhat important, the differences to me pale in comparison to the similarities. All of us, bi, pan, and everything else under the umbrella, are attracted to more than one gender. We have non-monosexual attraction. Monosexual being attracted to one gender. And that unites us and is different than most of the world. Most people today are monosexual. Even gay and lesbian people are monosexual if they're only attracted to one gender. And so people in the middle who have attractions to more than one gender often get misunderstood and shamed from both sides of that spectrum. and we should be uniting together in solidarity because the experience of being attracted to more than one gender unites us and is a big important concept for us to normalize in this world. And the difference between gender affecting those attractions in some way and being attracted regardless of gender, that's a cool difference, but to me it's much less important than standing together and coming together as non-monosexual community. That's to me the difference between bi and pan. These words can mean different things to everyone. What does it mean to you? I'm curious in the comments, why do you identify as bi? Why do you identify as pan? Do you identify differently depending on the people you're with or the setting you're in? Let me know in the comments. I'm curious. Let's talk about it. Thanks for listening. I'm Rob. I host two bi guys, bi one bi guy. You can listen to the podcast for lots more stuff like this. And if you have questions, let me know.
00:22:12
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I'll answer them. Bye bye.
00:22:22
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Okay, those were my thoughts on bisexuality and pansexuality and other things. Hope you enjoyed. Those videos and a bunch of other ones are already up on YouTube. If you like them, or even if you don't, I would appreciate you subscribing on YouTube. That would be great. I'm trying to grow that page because I know there's so many bi people out there. I know there's more.
00:22:43
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that we could reach and most of them are not out and hiding in straight passing marriages. There's a video about that too. And this is a big part of my life's work is opening this portal, getting people to realize that this is very normal and in fact very common because for me it's a portal to authenticity in so many other ways. And bisexuality is one of the things that has been tamped down and most repressed in our society, often in invisible ways. So thank you for your support. Thanks for listening to this. Check out Two Bye Guys on YouTube. If you're interested in coaching, get on my newsletter or book an intro call with me. The links are in the show notes. You can also gift someone a coaching session with me. If you haven't got a holiday present for someone and you need a last minute gift,
00:23:30
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Just write me a DM and as a holiday special, I'll up it. Usually my intro sessions are 75 minutes. I'll up it to two hours as a holiday gift so we can really actually tackle a big issue in someone's life and have a transformational experience in just one session. So if you think that sounds good for a loved one of yours, write me a DM on social media at two by guys or at Robert Brooks Cohen or get on my email list, reply to any of the emails and we can work out a gift session. Okay. Thank
Podcast Credits and Support
00:24:02
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you for listening to this experiment. Let me know what you think.
00:24:06
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And stay tuned soon for an episode with Joshua Gebhardt, who is a counselor specializing in mixed orientation marriages. All right. Thanks for listening to Two Bye Guys. Bye, one bye
00:24:22
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Two Bye Guys by One Bye Guy is produced and edited by me, Robert Brooks Cohen, and it was created by me and Alex Boyd. Our new logo art is by Caitlin Weinman. Our music is by Ross Mincer. To help support this podcast, visit patreon.com slash robertbrookscohen. You'll get full video episodes, early access, and bonus content. Visit robertbrookscohen.com to learn more about my coaching, my book, and my stand-up comedy. And thanks for listening to Two Bye Guys by One Bye Guy.