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Balancing Time Among Kids
879 Plays27 days ago
In this episode, the hosts dive into the pressure of crafting "perfect" Valentine's cards, the challenges of making time for kids, and the importance of being present with their children—without being overwhelmed by expectations or social media. They share personal anecdotes about "mom fails," like reward systems gone awry and forgetting water at Costco. They also touch on family dynamics, including how they balance time with multiple kids, how to start meaningful conversations with them, and the real-life pressure of adding a new baby to the mix. Amidst the chaos, they remind each other to focus on quality moments, acknowledge their mistakes, and embrace the unpredictability of motherhood.
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Transcript
Early Morning Group Chat Chaos
00:00:00
Speaker
I just need to say for the record, because we talked about it last episode, this conversation started at about 4.45 in the morning. So I woke up. I woke up. I would argue it's not an unreasonable time, 6.40, something like that. And there were 35 text messages. And so that's just, I don't know why that data felt important to share. I mean, we didn't want to leave you, we didn't want you to feel left out, so that's why we're on our group chat. Sometimes we do text you guys, sometimes we'll text separately early in the morning to not bother you, but we wanted you to be part of this. Welcome to Just For Moms. I'm Charlotte. I'm Caitlin. I'm Megan. And I'm Callie. We are regular moms talking about regular stuff like aging, parenthood, work-life balance, and figuring out what's for dinner again. A no judgment zone to talk, laugh, and maybe cry about all the things women think about on a daily basis.
Just For Moms Podcast Introduction
00:00:54
Speaker
All right, guys, welcome back. Episode four of Just For Moms. And we are nearing Valentine's Day. And we kind of started this conversation in our little text group because we text each other just all day long, all day. We're texting each other all of the time. And we were talking about, Caitlin and I started a conversation about Valentine's Day cards like in the kids classrooms, like the ones that you have to bring in to the kids classrooms and how some of them are getting what feels a little bit over the top. I mean, our conversation ended ended up taking a turn when we sort of were able to step back and look at it. but
00:01:30
Speaker
I kind of want I guess I want to start by asking what do you guys do for your kids Valentine's Day in school. My kids are currently not in a school yet where they have to do it. So we've been shielded shielded from this. But obviously I see all of the things that people share on social media with these like over the top Valentine's Day cards.
00:01:47
Speaker
I just need to say for the record, because we talked about it last episode, this conversation started at about 4.45 in the morning.
Valentine's Day Traditions in Classrooms
00:01:56
Speaker
So I woke up. I woke up. I would argue it's not an unreasonable time, 6.40, something like that. And there were 35 text messages. And so that's just, I don't know why that data felt important to share. I mean, we didn't want to leave you. We didn't want you to feel left out. So that's why it was on our group chat. Sometimes we do text you guys. Sometimes we'll text separately early in the morning to not bother you. But we wanted you to be part of this. Wait. So one more point on our group text chain. So I feel like it's always Cali, like 4 AM-ish. Caitlin, 4.45 AM.
00:02:32
Speaker
Charlotte probably like 6 30 6 15 am right Charlotte and I feel like I'm like a lazy ass cuz I like don't respond to like 7 15 and I'm like I gotta like at least have a sip of coffee guys before You usually start by just liking a bunch of the comments trying to catch up and like feel like okay I need to like catch up and then be like conversate here and it's like I Oh wow, what time did this start? And I'm like, and they probably think like, oh my gosh, Megan, all she does is sleep. But I'm like, chapter of life, chapter of life. Yes. Yeah. To be fair, that's what I'm doing at like 8 30. Once all of my kids are like asleep, you guys have all been chatting usually from like six to eight. And I'm not in this conversation. Yeah. But then like at night, Charlotte and I are the only two going back and forth. Right?
00:03:20
Speaker
Yeah, because Cali has like a really, dis you have, it share your discipline about shutting off the phones. I love it. I wish I could do it. Yeah, no, my phones are done usually by nine-ish. Forget it. Mine are in bed with me, just curled up right under my pillow. but I'll say if if I'm texting you after nine, it's from my computer and I'm watching something or I'm maybe pretending to like write.
00:03:45
Speaker
My phone goes on the charger and then I don't touch it again. I'm falling asleep with it like this, like yeah hitting me in the face.
Homemade vs. Store-bought Valentine's Crafts
00:03:51
Speaker
Same. OK, so Valentine's Day, yes my I'm trying to remember. There's no question that when the kids are younger, there's just more craft involved. And I think it's I'm remembering back, it's the desperation of parenthood. It's like, what can I do with these children? Oh, Valentine's Day, let's do something with the kids. So I feel like I always approached it from a like, let's make something, let's do something fun.
00:04:12
Speaker
And that's still something that I try to enforce, and sometimes the kids are into it, sometimes they're not. um i do I don't know. I can't remember even what we did last year. I try to have something that is like hand touched. For me, like buying a bunch of crap at the store, putting in an envelope, and then passing it out doesn't feel like it has any sort of value to it. So even if they write a little note, or draw a little picture, or you know sometimes the crafts are so simple, but I do try to have them have some put even
00:04:47
Speaker
10 seconds of effort into each card, but it's easier said than done. I feel like I'm so biased because i i think about before i had like I think about when I was little, Valentine's Day was like, yay, candy, let's see what everybody got me.
00:05:03
Speaker
and Then it moved into ooh Did I get a super secret message from someone special in class and like you try to like is there a code in this? card that says you're My Valentine with a hippo on it like but also everybody else got the same one so then I was a teacher and I hated Valentine's Day like I just absolutely hated it because I watched all the kids do the same thing try to dissect did somebody give me a special card and Oh, I don't like this candy and it just, there was drama. So when I had kids who had Valentine's the first year, I tried to make something really special for Annabelle's class. I probably went on Pinterest and the next year I was like, no, I'm not doing that. I'm going to
Teaching Generosity Through Valentine's Cards
00:05:43
Speaker
CVS. At one point my kids would make their own, but I'm still in this, i'm I'm just, I struggle because everyone's going to throw the cards out. A lot of times they don't even read who it's from.
00:05:57
Speaker
They just want to see what the little tree is attached to it. And i so I guess I stopped caring and I let my kids whatever do is, you know, whatever they want to do that's not really, really expensive and they have to assemble it themselves.
00:06:11
Speaker
so like but yeah That's all I'm doing. And I guess that's where my reframe come from, because I agree. like We can't even send in candy, so it's not like you can have that. And I refuse to send in like a little eraser or whatever, because they just go in the trash. So I guess the reframe for me is, how can I make this about my kids showing like the work that they're doing to celebrate their classmates versus what they're getting. I think that's where there was something in me that wanted them to, even if it was the simplest of craft, it's the act of making something that then you can give to a classmate that will, in theory, bring joy. so It was less about like what are the classmates getting and it was more about what can my kids do to give.
Social Media's Impact on Parenting Competitions
00:06:55
Speaker
so I like that. In that sense, it's a nice exercise because I think learning how to be generous and you know
00:07:02
Speaker
whatever. that's That's a great lesson and it takes the importance off of like, how can I make this something that people want to receive? It's more about how can I make it special to give? Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. And you made a good point, Charlotte, in the chat. like I think this whole conversation started because Caitlin and I were like lamenting over some of these things that we see on Instagram, people creating these like just over the top Valentine's Day cards or, I mean, God forbid the love baskets, which I always say, if you do love baskets, you do you. I love that that's, if that's what brings you joy for your children. But I think it's like, we kind of like all of these just over the top sort of things. And it sort of got lost in what you had said, Charlotte, it almost becomes like it's a flex for the parent. To be like, look at my kids, Valentine is better than everybody else's, as opposed to it being about,
00:07:57
Speaker
The kid making something. It's the holiday of love. right It's supposed to be about like showing love and kindness. are I have the same knee-jerk reaction when I see someone on social media creating something that's like, this is what we're doing for Valentine's Day. We're just making candy hearts from scratch. And we're going to like stamp the notes in it. And I have to train my brain to be like, this is a business. if That person on social media is selling a dream. I can't let my brain absorb that as like my expectation, just as I don't want everyone doing to their house what I do to mine. It's a job. I'm approaching my job in a different way than I would approach my life as a person. and For me, I get so much joy out of craft and creating and making something from nothing. And Valentine's Day is a really wonderful opportunity for a lot of people to do that. And so for me, I really have to train my brain to be like, if that parent had the joy of the same joy that I feel walking the aisles of Home Depot, if they felt that way, adding stuff to their Amazon cart or walking through Michaels or Joanne, and they were able to pull something together and little Johnny
00:09:03
Speaker
you know, third grader, he doesn't care. Like, that may be the creative release that I feel on a daily basis, because I've created a whole job around that sort of desire.
00:09:15
Speaker
So I try to separate like the social media flex because that's a business from just like the moms that really enjoy a chance to be creative. And I'm not always successful at it, but that is the narrative that I try to say in my brain whenever I'm like, are you kidding me? I'm not going to do this for Valentine's Day. I don't have the time. This is crazy. Blah, blah, blah. I feel like when my kids were younger, I had more energy for it.
Balancing Sibling Equity and Support
00:09:39
Speaker
I would go to like the dollar store and I would get the construction paper and the scissors that, you know, like the scissors that like cut the edges really cool. And then the glitter and like the whole dining room table would be like trashed and we would like, we spend like hours on it. And then like years go by, years go by, and then you have three kids. And then it's like, it changes, it definitely changed in my house from just going to CVS and filling them out.
00:10:05
Speaker
Um, that's how it's worked in our house. And I feel like almost like whatever the kids want to do, yeah like I'm not competitive about it as a mom whatsoever. I just want them. to be happy. So if one year, you know, I remember Gianna wanted to make them homemade, we would make them homemade. Now Nico just likes going to the aisle of Target or CVS and picking, you know, he liked dinosaurs. So we filled it out, you know, the name for each classmate. But I feel like I have noticed in a few of the Valentine's Day parties I've gone to, it is a competition with some of the parents and I i have no part of that.
00:10:44
Speaker
And it's like these valentines that come home, it's almost like a Christmas present with the amount of things that are in this bag, like the homemade crayon. um What else have we gotten with it? I just like am like shocked, like the time that they're spending on it. And like, I don't know, it doesn't even really seem that fun to me. But maybe it's fun to I don't know, it's just so it looks like a lot of work.
00:11:05
Speaker
I think about like the comment I get when people see me making giant food and they're like, good Lord, this lady must have free time on her hands. And it's like, yeah, you're right. This is crazy. I just spent 20 hours making like giant Kit Kat or whatever. So I guess, yeah, I guess to each their own. But I mean, not that there aren't competitive people. I'm not discounting that, but.
00:11:24
Speaker
Yeah, no. And I feel like, you know, when we were on our text chain, when we were talking about it, I feel like whatever your child wants, whatever if you as a mom want to be, give the best one, give the best one, you know, it's just like whatever, yeah, to each their own, whatever makes you feel good, whatever makes your house happy, your kids happy, if your kid wants to give the best.
00:11:43
Speaker
Go to Target and all those places and put all that in the gift. And then I get it home and I'm like, wow. And we just gave that CVS. but like Nico loved giving that CVS Valentine. so yeah All right. We're going to move on to mom fails. who has Who has a good mom fail for us this week? I mean, I don't really... I guess it's sort it's a mom fail. After Christmas, there was a sale on a website selling um i don't even think ah I can't even think of what they're called, like the cross body bags from Lululemon. They were on sale for $19. Last year I was
Addressing Children's Emotional Needs
00:12:17
Speaker
like, my kids don't need these, they're kids. And then this year they mentioned they wanted them, but Santa didn't bring them. So I saw them on sale for $19. So I was like, wow, this is a great opportunity to buy them and put them aside and the kids can earn them because they always want to earn something. and
00:12:36
Speaker
whatever. So my middle child, um, she has a bad habit and I don't want to out her on this, but she has a bad habit and we've been trying to break it for a really long time and we can't. So I said, well, if you stop doing this for all during the day, then you can have the bag. And she's like, okay, that sounds like reasonable. I can do this. So she was like three days strong. And then the fourth day she and her sister got in a fight and then she's doing the bad habit again.
00:13:03
Speaker
Well, Big Sister was like, well, how am I going to earn it? I don't have any bad habits. And I was like, well, what wait until an opportunity presents itself for you to earn this cross-body bag. Well, then she had to go to her physical. She's got very severe phobia of the doctors and needles. like She's kicked the nurse. She's run out of the room, everything. So I say, listen, I can give you the cross-body if you um get your shots. Annabelle goes to the doctor. I bribe her not to beat up the nurse. You're going to get a purse. It's going to be great. We get in and out of the the shot situation in 15 minutes, which is a lifetime record for Annabelle. Usually it's an hour. Yesterday, my middle child came home ready to just, I thought she was going to punch me. She was so mad that I gave Annabelle such an easy way to earn the purse. And I was like,
00:13:58
Speaker
like shoot, I just, I didn't think like it had to be an attainable prize on the same grounds. Like you could earn it doing the same thing instead of something that was, it's obviously very difficult for my middle child to break this habit. So yeah, that was a fail. I didn't really think it through. I thought I was just being so nice and such a cool mom for doing this and it backfired. I don't know though. I think sometimes What is it the difference between equal and equitable? like I think sometimes it's really important for kids, and i I feel like I read this somewhere because I was feeling guilty that I was, I don't know, like allowing one child to get away with something that was really impossible. for the ah whatever Same situation.
00:14:45
Speaker
and the conversation that I feel like I read was something like, that was really hard. like They needed me just then. And so i they needed more of my time. Or you know you would reframe it to fit your situation. And it's like, your kids need to see that when they need you, that's what they get. And right then, that was really, really hard for her. And so she needed it. And that's how you handled it. And it subconsciously shows the other kids that when they have their moment, when they need you, they're also going to get it. so It sort of helps them understand that life is not about getting an equal slice of the
Quality Time with Children: Focus vs. Quantity
00:15:20
Speaker
pie. It's getting a slice of the pie that you need when you need it. And I'm not saying that like they are like i'm not trying to get in the way of whatever your girls were feeling, but I don't and don't know that you did mishandle it. So this is that now we're going to go to the mom win. hi I that conversation with her with both of them. like I explained this was a very difficult situation for her. It's not for you.
00:15:46
Speaker
you know, granted, I didn't think this through and you were hurt by this. You think like I'm making it harder for you to earn it. You have to understand that what she did today like was took a lot out of her and maybe be excited for her and proud for her. So last night, Ailey came into my room and she's like, I wrote in my journal and I've been trying to encourage her to write about her feelings. And in it, it said, I had a really tough day today. It explained what happened. And it said, because my sister got her bag for me, but she had a tough day too.
00:16:14
Speaker
because she had to go to the doctor since she hates shots. So I feel really bad for her, but I'm happy she but i'm happy she did it or something like that. And I was like, okay, you buried the lead. That's amazing. Yes. I had to tell the bad before the good was fine. Go, Caitlin. Yeah. So that was a proud moment. fail it like Moving forward, I need to make prizes that are going to be earned. I got to write out the rules or something.
00:16:42
Speaker
I feel like we could all relate to that, though, when you kind of have this like great, you think it's going to be this great idea in motherhood. And then like it just so backfires and so many and sometimes it does end up leading to you know a really great win at the end. But like in the moment, you're like, what? What did I? How did I do this wrong? Or a chance for you to say, you're right. like maybe Maybe we can have you not do your bad habit for four days. Does that seem fair? like Maybe it's a chance for you to sort of show that you're fallible. and moms blow it to, that's really hard for me is that I sometimes forget to take the opportunity to be like, guys, you were right. I blew it. I'm so sorry. Like I just skip over that. And that I think is a really valuable interaction with kids that I'm not always, like it's it doesn't occur to me to do it, but I don't know. I think you handled it perfectly. Yeah. Go Caitlin, fail to a win. I wouldn't even call it a fail.
00:17:35
Speaker
No, absolutely not. We disagree. We reject your fail. i like For two hours yesterday, you guys would have been like, wow, you suck. I guarantee we would have never said that. Never.
00:17:48
Speaker
um Well, I love that. mom Does anyone else have a mouth fail? I have a small one. Quick. Okay, do it. It's easy. Done. Went to Costco. Do you guys put the water underneath the cart? On the bottom? Yeah. And then you load the groceries in your car?
00:18:02
Speaker
Do you ever forget the water and put the cart back? Yeah, I did that. Small fail, we'll move on. I hate it when you get out to the car and you forgot something that you didn't pay for and then you got to do the walk of shame back in. Anyways, I liked Caitlin's mom fail because I feel like it leads into our conversation that we're having today a little bit, not totally, but we want to talk a little bit about balancing time amongst all of our kids. This is a question that we've gotten from the audience, a question I feel like we've gotten more than once.
00:18:27
Speaker
back when we used to have our old iteration of the podcast and that we've gotten this one, I just feel like it's something that comes up a lot. And it's something I feel like as moms, we seem to be like very hypersensitive to, like to feeling like we're giving each of our kids enough time. And I feel like it comes up a lot, especially when you're it when you're like bringing a new baby into the situation. And we can sort of talk about that at the end of this.
00:18:50
Speaker
But there's actually, I feel like a lot of us feel like we need to be doing these really like grandiose like dates. We need to be having this like really special one-on-one time. And I actually did a little research before we jumped on the podcast about what some of the research shows about sort of this one-on-one... I mean, how do you even really... ah and get data on it but they've sort of said that at the end of the day it really doesn't come to how much time you're giving one on one to your kids but the actual like a focus that you're giving and like the undivided attention that you're giving so like one study was saying that ten minutes is sufficient enough
00:19:24
Speaker
for a child to get what they need if it's completely dedicated and like that your phone is away and that you're like, that you're focused in 10 minutes can feel like a very long time. If you've ever done this, I've done, tested this out where you you just 10 minutes on just this child. But I also felt like it was sort of this nice ray of hope in some ways that it was like, they really don't need a ton of this one on one time. It's just that it needs to be like focused and dedicated on them.
00:19:50
Speaker
So I don't know. I kind of want to throw it back at you guys how you feel like you're doing the one-on-one time. Do you get the mom guilt if you feel like you're not giving each? Because we all have three or more children.
Engaging Older Children in Conversations
00:20:00
Speaker
So I'll start with Caitlin on this one. Well, I just it's funny because this is something that recently dawned on me was how much more it meant to my children if my phone was down and I was looking them in the eye and you know my daughters will come home very excited from school and want to talk to me and sometimes I'm trying to do 50 other things.
00:20:19
Speaker
And maybe I'll end up paying more attention to one of them. And then I can, all you know, sometimes you can see it in their body language. They kind of feel like they were overlooked. A lot of times it's my toddler who wins my attention. So something small that I've started doing in the last year, I would say is, you know, the girls have different extracurriculars and my husband will be like, Hey, do you want to, I'll do this ride, I'll do this ride, whatever. And I'll opt in to take the ride alone if I know I'm going to get to be alone with one of them. So they have my undivided attention granted I'm driving. But we have a full conversation. I'm i'm not playing music. I straight up am just listening to them talk and um talking about school or dance or something. And it's gotten to the point where they prefer to have these rides with me. And my husband said, like they don't talk to me in the car. And I'm like, well, do you try to talk to them? Because this is you have no distractions right now. It's just you two. And you can get into some big topics that maybe they don't want to bring up at home. and
00:21:19
Speaker
So that's something i've I've started doing and I noticed that they appreciate. And one other thing you said is, again, the no phone thing. I'll have to put my phone up on the charger and close my computer and just dedicate whatever they want to do and watch a show with them for 15 minutes. Maybe we're just sitting next to each other and it's just me being present that they enjoy. they don't They're not even talking to me. We're just staring at the TV together. but i know I know that they enjoy that because they say they do. Those are some two little things that parents can do with your children and not even realizing you're making an impact on them.
00:21:59
Speaker
Yeah, and I like the car ride and TV. I remember somebody hearing something somewhere about a dad talking about sitting down and he would watch TV with his daughter. And he said something about it. There's no um pressure to talk because you're doing something and it's a very like sort of neutral. You guys are sitting next to each other. It's not like you're like staring at each other, like trying to force a conversation almost like sometimes at the dinner table. It's kind of feels a little like a forced conversation. And so it's sort of this neutral place where you could talk about stuff, but you know it's sort of Obviously for older children, not in this place. What about you, Megan? You've got kids a little older too. So one thing that just sticks out in my mind right away is now that my my two are oldest or a little older is you know I feel like they don't want to share as much with me when they're younger. you know They just talk and talk and talk and talk and you could sit there and they could ask you questions and it would go on for like days almost, which is great.
00:22:56
Speaker
But when they get older, I feel like they don't want to share as much. so And maybe it was a quote or someone sent it to me and it was like, if your child ever has something to tell you, no matter what you're doing, stop. Like if you're on your phone, you're doing the dishes. Like if they come in from school and I was like, mom, I have to tell you something. Or can we talk? Like I want to share something. And it's always stuck out of my head. So I stop what I'm doing. And I 100% listen.
00:23:26
Speaker
because they're at that age now where they don't share anything really. It's like pulling teeth. So with my 12 and 14 year old, anytime they want to share something, even if it's like a photo, like Eva's 14, I feel like she never wants to even talk to me. you know She like hides in her room and the other night she was like, mom, look at this and look at that. And I was like, oh wow, maybe she likes me. you know But I just feel like that has stuck out to me and I know as funny as that is.
00:23:55
Speaker
but I do try to schedule one-on-one time and also little experiences. like For instance, this past weekend, Gianna was like, I want a new pair of point... Or I need a new pair of pointe shoes, use please, mom. you know It was actually, she had some manners with it. So I was like, okay. And I'd like to get a haircut.
00:24:15
Speaker
so That was our time together. We had like maybe like two and a half hours. So, you know, it was like, she was so happy. It was like the best day over. And I think it was just because it was her and I, and we didn't have her younger brother with us and we didn't have her older sister. And I knew she really appreciated having just mom time. So I feel like it is important to schedule those experiences. But then with my eight year old Nico, like we were saying,
00:24:46
Speaker
I mean, sometimes he's even like, mom, can you come sit with me on the couch and like watch me watch YouTube? You know? And I'm like, of course I can. I will sit here and whatever this weird thing is that you're watching, I will sit with you and he'll like hold my hand. And I'm like, oh gosh, I hope this lasts forever. So I feel like same thing. I mean, I like, he's always like, can you, he always wants me to sit with him on the couch, which is like good and bad.
00:25:11
Speaker
But I do it because it's like they want you there, you know, and like, Mom, get like in the morning, get your coffee and like, just sit with me, Mom. And I'm like, OK, so I feel like you can schedule those experiences outside the cat outside of the house, make them feel special. You can do stuff in the house, make them feel special. And then when they want to talk to you, always listen because, you know, you don't know when they don't want to talk to you anymore and hide in your room. But it's also I feel like it's it's sort of showing them that You know, that your ears are always there. Like you're always somebody who's, you know, that you're never and too good for them is not what I'm trying to say. But I think you guys know what I mean, that you're always i always there. Yeah. And I feel like Caitlin, your Brandon is like, Joe, he's like, you know, when he's with them one-on-one, cause I try to like make that happen a little more. I don't know if, you know, my house, I feel like I have to like, with the kids getting older, I have to tell Joe, like you can take, he took, you know, one of the girls to get her pointe shoes or
00:26:09
Speaker
do stuff that he thought only mom could do. And I say the same thing, like how'd it go? Well, she didn't talk to me. Well, you have to start the conversation. You have to ask questions. And even if it's like but yesterday, I even remember doing it when I picked up Eva from dance. She didn't want to talk to me. Who'd you sit with at lunch? Why do you always ask me this? like And I just keep asking it. I don't really care. I'm going to keep asking you questions because I want to show them that like even though you're 14 and you think you're too cool for me, i'm and to I'm going to ask these questions every day. You just get used to it.
Fostering Open Communication with Children
00:26:38
Speaker
I heard something, and and then, Charlotte, I want you to share, because I know that you have something good to say about this. But I heard something, and granted, my kids are younger, but you know my six-year-old is starting to get to the phase where I don't always get i always to get a response about what happened at school. But I heard something once that it was like, it doesn't always have to be questions, because I feel like even I can sometimes feel, right you sort of feel put on the spot. like My least favorite thing is when I have to sit down in a group and they're like, tell us something about yourself.
00:27:02
Speaker
And I heard something one time, it was like, just start the conversation by talking. like Just say what happened to you today and like try to throw in something that like was maybe a struggle or something that didn't work out for you. It doesn't always work, but I do find that I will do that with my six-year-old sometimes and just sort of be like, yeah, today at work, I had this, or I was supposed to get this done, and I didn't get it done. And at least I feel like it's the conversation going in a way that doesn't put pressure on them to like answer my questions. I love that, Callie. I'm going to try it with my teenager, see if it works tonight.
00:27:31
Speaker
I love that. I'm super guilty of being with them a lot, but not being 100% present. Like I'm always editing on my phone or puttering on the computer. And I feel like I'm not, like I am able to hear them and carry on a conversation. So it's not just like dead air, but it's not 100% dedicated. And so that's definitely something that goes through my head. I i will say that I am thankful that I grew up in a household where I don't actually remember any like one-on-one special times with my parents. It was it was very probably like every child in the 70s and 80s. It was, you know, we're gonna equitable and I just don't remember there being that many one-on-one moments. And I also as an adult have never had that feeling of
00:28:24
Speaker
I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel cared for. So I think that has been very helpful for me as a parent because it's one of the few things that I'm not always anxious and hypervigilant about because it wasn't my experience, if that makes any sense. I will say that something I try to do with the kids is, I think I mentioned it when we talked about this last year, we do a special trip when they turn 10. So that's really a fun sort of long weekend that the kids look forward to.
00:28:53
Speaker
And then I feel like if budget allows, it would be fun to do the same thing when they turn 18 or just as they get older. But then on the day-to-day, I am conscious that whenever I do have one or two of them alone, whether it's in a car or whether the other guys are away for the weekend, I do try to take advantage of that, whether it's running into Rite Aid and letting them pick out a box of candy or going out for dinner to a restaurant that we may not go with all seven of us or I don't know, you name it. It doesn't have to always involve spending money per se, but I do try to capitalize on the moments when I do have a subset of the kids because not only is one-on-one time valuable, but for us it's really interesting to see the different dynamics that come out when I have
00:29:38
Speaker
the oldest with the youngest, or the number three with number four, because they naturally fall into certain patterns. And so when you disrupt that, it's sort of interesting. But yeah, in general, it was a lot easier to spend quality time with them when they were little, because we were reading before bed and doing bath time. So I do have to look for those little glimmers of time to connect. I love what you said, Callie, about just talking. and i think I think I do a little bit of that just because I'll be looking at my phone and something will come up and, you know, like we're talking a lot about the wildfires or you name it, I will talk about it when I see it. So there's a little bit of that, but I'm i'm not wildly, I could be more present big time.
00:30:19
Speaker
Yeah, I am something I um started doing. and I feel like this is going to feel a little bit like I'm getting out of soapbox. But like two years ago, I started to get like really conscious about how much I use my we did as a family just get really conscious about how much we use our phone. My husband over a year ago actually switched to a dumb phone. So he doesn't even have a smartphone. He actually at this point doesn't even have a laptop anymore. So he's gotten like very tech free. He has a work laptop that uses work.
00:30:43
Speaker
Um, so I obviously cannot get what ah rid of my phone. I use it for work. It's a very important part of my, my income, but, um, I have set times where I put my phone like away and I, it's, it's plugged in or it's, I had a box that I used for a while. And then when I get disciplined about it, I didn't need the box.
00:31:01
Speaker
Um, so for me, like when the kids first, when the kids usually first wake up or when they first get home, I'll pick one during the, during the day, which one I'm going to do. And it goes away for like an hour or two because I am so guilty of like, if the phone is there, it's going to be a distraction. Um, and I feel like that helps a lot for me just to make sure like I have a period of time where there's like no phones. ah When I go up to bedtime, the phone always stays downstairs. So I'm doing the bedtime routine and we're not distracted by the phone. But with my kids, I really just look for, you know, I've got kids three months to six. So like doing these like big dates, which is one of them is really just not in the cards for us right now. Or it's it's a very hard thing to make it happen.
00:31:40
Speaker
my kids don't seem to to miss it. I really just look for little pockets of time like in every day. That's how I always kind of like try to look at it. And I literally five to 10 minutes, even sometimes less than that. um And I and I always kind of weigh it against to like, I think that one on one time is important. But I do feel like there's maybe this sort of weird pressure like that we need to make sure that every kid gets this really special one on one time when to me, especially like as our family has been growing, I find the family time or even, Charlotte, like you said, maybe the time where it's me and my oldest and my youngest or, you know, those are moments that I almost feel like are even more special or more beneficial. So I really just don't put a ton of weight on it. And I'm sure that this will change as our family enters other seasons of life. But that's kind of how I look at it is that it doesn't need to be something that's special or even scheduled, but that I just kind of like look for a little times throughout the day where I can sort of like check in on each of them individually.
00:32:39
Speaker
Right. I feel like the thread that all of us have said and observed and it's probably just healthy self-talk is that I think we're our own worst enemies. you know I think these kids are pretty adaptive and resilient and it's not like they have expectations for that time and we're all doing the best we can and that's that's it. That's plenty. i you know I think everybody has different motives for why they want to give their children the different amounts of attention and everything like that. and um you know Charlotte, I was thinking like when I was little, do I remember my mom doing that? And I'm like, no. And my brother's 12 years older than me and my sister's almost three years younger than me. So she and I were a package deal and we were always together with my mom. And my dad was not really like
00:33:24
Speaker
I don't remember. we We didn't have big family dinners often. And he wasn't around in the kitchen after school and every night. And like that was my childhood. And now as an adult, we are very intentional with how much time we spend with my parents. And like I call my dad every day. I never spoke to my dad before I was 30 on the telephone. And like all these different things that I want to do for my kids and my husband's on that same page with me. um But one thing my mom always did is she had this open door. like If something's wrong, please come tell me. don't lie like Lying was like the worst thing I could ever do. No matter how bad the thing that you did was, if you tell me, your punishment's gonna be less than if you lie and then I find out.
Managing Family Dynamics with New Siblings
00:34:08
Speaker
And so that's a com ah conversation I've been having with my oldest a lot lately. Not that she's doing anything wrong, just if you're ever in trouble, if you ever do something wrong, please come to me and talk to me about it. and
00:34:23
Speaker
Those car rides are when we get to have these serious talks because I can't ah can't do it at home when there's another child present or even my husband present because they're never going to be as candid and open with me as I want them to be. So I do think about my childhood and and i and you know I think my parents did a great job, but i what I would tweak a little bit and what I appreciate now about my relationship with my parents to kind of continue that, to build that between my kids and me.
00:34:52
Speaker
I want to touch on one last thing, just because I feel like every time we talk about balancing time with kids, this one always comes up. It's something I know comes up like in my DMs and my question boxes a lot. And I feel like it goes off of what Charlotte, what you said is, I think a lot of it is we end up being our own worst enemy. But I feel like I get a lot of questions about ah bringing home a baby.
00:35:12
Speaker
And sort of finding time for your older ones when you bring home a baby or dealing with like jealousy. And I know that every experience is different and every child is going to welcome a baby in a different way. And it obviously depends on is it the first baby you've ever brought home and you only have two or is this like, you know, your third time bringing home a ah baby into the family.
00:35:30
Speaker
but i I have found that it tends to be one of those things that we do hype up in our brain a little bit more because people talk about it so much. like To me, it's one of those things like potty training. and like It's not really fun. right There could be some hard parts about it. But I always get irritated with things like potty training because I feel like so many parents have hyped it up as it's going to be this like awful, horrible thing. And then you go into it thinking it's going to be this like really horrible thing. And so we sort of end up being our own worst enemy about it and like making it worse.
00:35:56
Speaker
So I don't know, I just want to talk about it. I feel like every time I have brought a baby home there, there obviously have been, there's been little bits of jealousy or there's been little bits of aggression, but it has never been this like huge monumental thing where all of a sudden like my other child feels like they're so left out. I don't know. I kind of want to throw it at you guys first and just sort of talk about, you know, what things have you guys seen or have you found helpful or not helpful when it came to sort of balancing time with your children when a new baby is entered the picture.
00:36:24
Speaker
I wonder if it stems from sort of an older an older time when women and postpartum were infantilized as in the right word, but they were really coddled. like there was a time when like I remember when I was pregnant, my grandmother was like, you're not driving, are you? And I think postpartum was maybe a time when women really were only with the baby and not with the others. And I wonder if that's sort of a holdover, like that rhetoric is a little bit of a holdover and it becomes just a talking point because i'm I'm with you. I mean, my kids definitely, it depended on their personalities and some of them struggled with the new arrival more than others. And I don't know how much of it was the new baby and how much of it was just like the routine was totally different.
00:37:12
Speaker
But I think there's gadgets and gizmos aplenty that make it easier to just put a baby somewhere and still be with your other kids. I think there's nursing you know advances that have, I just think it's easier as a mother to juggle a newborn and still be present for the other ones. And so I wonder if it's maybe old news, but i I mean, I hear what you're saying. I think you're right. People do. It's something to talk about. And then there's all of this self-fulfilling prophecy that comes. but i we We never had major issues with that either. Yeah. I just feel like it's something that comes up all the time. like people are so I can't tell you how many times I get the question, so I think it's something that people are very anxious about, and I assume a lot of it is probably the second baby coming home. So so I wanted to talk about it because we've all done it a couple of times. Well, I mean, that I still am getting DMs always, like, okay, I just found you and you
00:38:07
Speaker
You wrote this post about how a third child changed everything. And my kids are, I'm pregnant with a third and my kids are older like yours were. And what happened? And I was like, we brought a baby home. Like nothing changed. It wasn't like I brought home a dog that like ruined our house. like We just, we added to the family. The family grew. um I think the worst thing that happened was there were people who constantly talked about my middle child becoming the middle child.
00:38:37
Speaker
And it's like she ran with that storyline. And she still, to this day now, her sister's three, she's repeating these things. And I'm like, where is she hearing this? like Who keeps saying this? Because it's not me. it like Is it a show she's watching where they talk about the middle child being you know just ostracized? and There's no way that that's what she's feeling because the example she gives don't live up to what she's saying. like It just doesn't match. And I'm sure someone's discussing it somewhere or maybe it's like in one of the little chapter books she reads about something. But you know that my best advice to anyone who's going to bring home a baby when you have a five and an eight year old at home is
00:39:21
Speaker
Take it easy. Don't stress yourself out. Let your family come and help. Like if your baby needs you and you got a breastfeed your baby or whatever, that's fine. But like you don't have to hold the baby all 24 seven. Give it to somebody else and and go hang out with the other kids because I did that with my third, but my second I didn't. I was like, new baby's home. I need this new baby with me all the time. And I think my oldest was kind of like, okay, go with daddy. Bye. Let your family and friends help. and Don't make a big deal out of it if it's not a big deal. And I think this is where if you have a partner, it's a wonderful chance for them to shine.
00:39:56
Speaker
to and that can be a conversation to have going into it. You know, I think my kids had really special outings with their dad when I was home with the newborn and everyone appreciated it. And that wasn't necessarily something that was happening before a new baby came home. So that, that could be a discussion, you know, and set, give that, what is it, a lob so that they can spike it and have the wind. Wait, so Charlotte, I have to piggyback on that because I remember when we brought home ah my first and, um,
00:40:27
Speaker
Uh, no, we already had Eva. We brought home our second Joe would take my oldest to the gas station and they would have gas station dates and get like cookies and treats. And it was like to give me a break. So it was like gas station dates. Like it was like their thing for like, I feel like almost like three months. So it was like their time to give me a little time with the baby.
00:40:52
Speaker
And they like they would come home with these like really like cool cookies and all this stuff. I didn't even know the gas station had this stuff. you know so But I feel like as a society, just backtrack a little bit, we put this like stress, like you were saying, Callie, we think bad things are going to happen when we bring another child home or a third. And I felt like in our house, we kind of were like, all right, you know here's the second, here's the third.
00:41:17
Speaker
you know Of course there was struggles, but i I just felt like we just dealt with it. like This is how it is and you know you have a sister and you're going to love her and dad's going to step up and help a little more and we just dealt with it. I mean it was like i felt like if you put that stress on you, like I feel like maybe it's social media, maybe it's moms making it seem like something bad going to happen. but I don't know. I feel like you just deal with it and make it don't think about the negative of what you think is going to happen because it's not going to it might not even happen. well and also i mean I know we need to move on and wrap this up, but I also think, I remember with every child, it was like, oh my God, that last one was so hard. How can I possibly add another thing to the mix? and What you don't realize is that until you've had a second child, you've never had a second child. Until you've had a third child, you've never had a third child. You are different. You are going to approach it differently. So it wasn't like every child was exponentially harder. I was a totally different person. And so by the time I got to my third child, my fourth child, my fifth child, it was just a totally different playing field. And I think that's where the anxiety comes from also. Because it's like, I could barely handle this little one that I have. How could I possibly bring something else into the mix? And that just that was not my experience. And I just think,
00:42:36
Speaker
as people we evolve and learn and grow, and that is what you need to remember if you're feeling anxious about it, is that it's just not the same. It's totally different. You're different. Yeah, it's normal i mean it's normal to be scared of the unknown, but don't let that consume you. you know and also don't take you know and One of my biggest pet peeves is moms or dads or families who give these horror stories about X, Y, or Z to someone who's about to enter a new chapter. And I'm just like, shut up. Stop. If I have one more person tell me how bad middle school is, they're going to get throat punched because yeah my oldest is going to middle school next year. And I don't know what it's going to be like. Middle schoolers are the best. They're so funny. We don't have issues in our house either. It's like, I feel like you just got to like like not
00:43:31
Speaker
think that way. you know and I feel like that's the problem with today is we think like the worst and talk about the negative where like we've been fine with middle school too. There's been no issues. It's going to be great no matter what. Yep, it's going to be great. and just Right? Yeah, we like internalize other people's I'm like, I remember when I had my second and everyone being like, Oh, the second ruined everything. And then I had was pregnant with my third. And they're like, the third's the one that broke
Rediscovering a Love for Reading
00:43:55
Speaker
me. I mean, these are things that people said to me like in the grocery store, that I had the fourth and they're like, Oh, the foot, you know, it's like everybody, you know, that's that's your story. You know, yeah doesn't mean that it's all right, let's move on. We got to move on to pits and peaks. Who wants to go first? I could go but I think that mine is yours, Kelly. Do we have the same pit and peak?
00:44:14
Speaker
Our peak is about books, is it not? It is. My peak is about books. My peak is about books. Okay, let's do books. Yeah, we recently discovered that we have we we like the same genre of books. I mean, I think we also like other things, but right now we're just very deep into these fantasy romance books. and there I mean, by the time this podcast comes out, the new, oh my gosh, Onyx is already out and you and I have probably already read it. Consumed it in 24 hours. We don't even know what to do, but um this is a peak that I've been like sitting on top of since like the beginning of last summer.
00:44:54
Speaker
I fell in love with reading again and it's such an amazing feeling because I've been a bookworm my entire life and I went to school for English literature and then i lost I lost it. I didn't want to read and I had no time but I listen to books and I read them in my hands and it just takes me to a different place and it takes me outside of what's happening right here in front of me and it's such a its such a good feeling. Having a book series is so good.
00:45:22
Speaker
So good. Yeah, yeah, my peak is that I i'm the same I hadn't read for pleasure. And like, I mean, since before, children for sure. um I had picked up a few books here and there. But um right after Opal was born, Michael had gotten a new Kindle. And so his old Kindle was sitting there. And I never thought I'd be a Kindle person. But I was like, let me just sure and you know, I was up with the baby a ton at night and like sitting there rocking or you know, I had all this time to kill. And I just I mean, I get very bored. Scrolling social media just could not consume. I'm sorry. I just I do it too much for work, I just can't. And so I started reading. And um yeah, I mean, Caitlin and I have have bonded over our fantasy romance books, but I've been reading all sorts of, I like to put palate cleansers
Concerns Over Children’s Screen Time
00:46:06
Speaker
between them. So I just finished one that my husband suggested called Hidden Pictures, which was sort of a little spooky. And it like was a total, it was a total
00:46:14
Speaker
twist but I just love, I mean, it's like every night Michael and I are climbing into bed and we're like reading our kindles and I just haven't done it in such a long time and it's just such an enjoyable habit and I love that I'm able to do it aside like alongside Michael that we sort of re-picked up the habit together. um It's just been really nice. um I have a pit and i I feel like we've talked about this but I am continually frustrated because it's like one more thing that falls on my lap navigating the way my kids interact with their school-provided Chromebooks is making me a little batty. And I am trying to not be a grandma when it comes to technology, because I appreciate that it's a tool. These kids have to learn how to use technology. We have been able to hold off on phones, and I think we're bringing that in at about the right time, which is like 13 or 8th grade. They don't have social media. But like they have to learn how to use these tools.
00:47:11
Speaker
They get Chromebooks with school, which is great, so we don't have to buy them comm computers, but they come home and like presumably they're off doing homework and they're just not. like there's ways to They have to have, I guess, YouTube on the Chromebooks because I think the teachers use it, and so they found their way into YouTube shorts. I don't have a workaround for that other than me once again, compensating the Chromebooks.
00:47:35
Speaker
which I need to remember to do on weekends, but it's just we don't have screens during the week and we don't have YouTube shorts in theory ever. ah But it's tricky and I know that for the little kids, our elementary school, other parents felt the same way and they were sending it home not because the kids had homework, but because they wanted to charge them. And so they finally, in our school, brought in charging stations so that they can charge the 18, 20, whatever Chromebooks at once. So that's been great. They don't bring them home except for one night a week. But they were even integrating like math games and stuff. And so the kids, it was sort of a hack for them to be like, I'm doing homework. The teacher wants me to do this. And it was just, you know they don't need to be playing
00:48:21
Speaker
Two hours of math games on their computer. So that has been a Struggle because I just I feel like if I forget to like the house is quiet and it's so nice and I know why it's quiet Do all of your kids my kids are still too little do all of your kids get computers at school? Yes Yeah, but they don't bring them home. And like the 3th or 5th grade is an iPad and the younger, the K through 2, well first and second are Chromebooks. And then middle school, I think they get a Chromebook and they bring it home.
City Trip Challenges and Podcast Conclusion
00:48:53
Speaker
But I just had a parent, I met a parent today, her daughter's in sixth grade and she's having headaches, um like ocular, not migraines, but headaches in her eyes because she's on her Chromebook so much.
00:49:05
Speaker
And I was like, Oh, well, no, like if that's what, if that's what's about to happen next year, I'm going to have something to say at the next board event meeting because. I have enough eye issues. My kids' vision is great right now. like Let's not push screen time on them. Get some paper and a pencil out. It's a bigger topic, and I think we should... We'll do it in a podcast, but it's frustrating. That's my piece my pit. I have a pit. I don't like pits, but I took a trip to the city and driving there, um a rock hit my windshield, so I have a crack in my windshield. Actually, while we were recording, the insurance called me.
00:49:38
Speaker
And then um I got a parking ticket and I'm praying I didn't get a red light, you know? Like I used the ways, but I'm always in the city like driving like a manic because everyone else is like, you feel like you've got to drive like them. and So I was like, I went through this thing and I was like, red light. So I'm like praying. I'm almost at like, if like, I feel like, I don't know how many weeks after till you know, if you got the ticket. So knock on wood.
00:50:05
Speaker
That's like a triple threat. I know. Well, it's ah it's a pit city day, and usually there are peaks, but it was a good day, but like that was the the pit of it. so And again, it's like, just brush it off, but it is what it is. You're just part of life, right? You got a ticket and a windshield and a... Yeah. You got to be like Taylor Swift, shake it off, baby. Yeah, roll the punches.
00:50:29
Speaker
All right. Well, I guess it's that time where ah we should remind you to leave us a review because we are fairly new. We've restarted the podcast under our new name. So it is quite helpful when people leave us reviews. I'm not going to tell you to leave us a five star review because I feel like that's cheating, but I assume that's what you'll leave us. And, uh, you can also find us on social media at Jessica Month podcast. Cause we have a lot of fun on, on Instagram. We do. All right. Well, I'll leave you guys here until, until next time.