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Dungeon Dive Inc 10: The Legend of the Goblin Turtle
80 Plays9 months ago
Our trio sets in motion their half-baked plans to swindle the church out of its undeserved donations and to save Father Amesley from whatever terrible fate might be in store for him. Check out our site for playlists of our various campaigns along with other cool stuff: funinstallersnetwork.com and check out ko-fi.com/funinstallers to support us and those we work with!
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Transcript
Introduction & Setting the Scene
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the show. Thanks for tuning in with your ears and welcome. Right, guys?
00:00:09
Speaker
Yeah, I guess. I mean, thanks for still listening to our Shenanigan or Anri. Yeah, thanks. You don't have to take your shoes off unless like you step in anything gross. Like if you've got mud and shit, take your shoes off. But if they're relatively clean, I don't care if you walk to the house with them on, it's fine. Yeah. Welcome. If it's your own house, that is. Mine that you put your shoes on my bed. Jerk bag. I don't care. Yeah.
00:00:32
Speaker
Hey, I wear my street clothes in my bed all the time. You guys can too. Go for it. I wash my sheets once a year. I don't sleep in that bed every night. No, not at all. No, I don't. I sleep upside down from the ceiling. Well, thanks for tuning, everybody. This has been our glimpse into everybody's sleeping habits. Goodbye.
00:00:52
Speaker
Um, so no, just kidding. We're going to play dungeon dive, Inc.
Starting the D&D Session
00:00:56
Speaker
Um, we're going into what you say? Yay or Hey. Yay. Yay. Oh good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, uh, we're going to do fantasy stuff, um, such as, um, have good charisma and have an athletic body. Yeah. We've got boom, pa played by another than Adam there. Uh, and then we've got tulip corpse pot. Oh, boom, pa. He's a human, uh, wizard male.
00:01:21
Speaker
Listen, I have been I don't reason I say my name after you say is because you keep saying it wrong. But I just want you to know that I'm not doing it as a bit. I'm trying to correct you that you're saying it wrong every time. I'm not going to say it with that much emphasis as you put on to it. Well, you should. The accent is on the the emphasis is on the wrong syllable every time you say it. I don't have to.
00:01:44
Speaker
I mean, you call people by their whole wrong name. So it's your name wrong. I don't know. You never remember names ever. Well, it's not because we'll see. It's not malicious though. I'm not saying it wrong on purpose. I've been correcting Justin for weeks now.
Recap & Next Adventure Planning
00:02:05
Speaker
No, it's not.
00:02:11
Speaker
Whatever. Go on to the next person. Pop a boom. Cooler Corpse Pod played by Cass. There, you've heard her talking. Then lastly is the goblin. Oh shit, fuck me. Oh yeah, Betsy, there's a doll. There's a little freaking creepy voodoo doll that Boompa Pod has like a chubby for. And then there's Cooler, who is an orcish woman warrior with this big old smacky, Jackie wacky thing she carries around.
00:02:37
Speaker
And then we got Protex Gull, the goblin male who likes to punch things mostly, right? Before Rock, yes. He likes to pull his rock out. Yes. That's our characters. So what did we do last time, gang? Adrian, tell me.
00:02:58
Speaker
Last time we went to Italy and got like some cheese. That's not it at all. Cass? Are you sure? I talked to a dude about the snake people and he didn't really seem to care. How was two episodes ago? No, I know. And then. He didn't care. He didn't care. I don't know about that. And then I helped a priest.
00:03:24
Speaker
With the other guys to get to safety after we Tricked some people that they had some fake money and then yeah, we brought him back to to the town and We got to get we got to go shopping Most of that is correct hit it
00:04:23
Speaker
No, that was the last episode you had sausages What is that what you were asking about was the last episode No before last episode before the last episode. Come on, man. Keep up. Anyway, I was just saying what tulip has done because she really hasn't done much She's laying low being low-key. Yeah. Anyway
00:04:47
Speaker
Then you guys kinda learned more about some of the harsh realities of the world.
Social Issues & Church Heist Plans
00:04:52
Speaker
There's a church in town and all around the country that kinda sucks. And there's some poor people and there's some racism towards orcs and goblins. Oh man, bummer. Even in a fantasy world, we can't escape a bullshit all of life. Anyway. Where's it going? Oh yeah, then you guys wanna steal from the church.
00:05:17
Speaker
Yes. That's about it. Yes. I mean, obviously. Yeah. That's what we want to do in any- You want to steal from the church. We had Evan show us where the Archbishop lives, right? Yeah. Archbishop of the Church of Altuzash, yes. He says, here he is. He showed you his house. And then you guys, he told you how you could probably, he said, how can we sneak into the church and shit? And he said, oh, I'll get some brown robes. Wear like a little, you know, Altuzash medallion pendant. And he'll probably tell them you're a traveling priest. They'll buy it. He said, probably.
00:05:48
Speaker
Oh, is that all? But, um, here's the thing, guys, I got to turn up for my trial. So I can't hang out with his anymore. I got to go. God damn it. I'm losing. It's easy to do a shitty little English accent. How's it going? All right. Anyway, I've got to go to my trial. Fuck it. I'm done talking. I gotta bring up. Um,
00:06:17
Speaker
Well, look, here's the thing, guys. You got to go in that montage. I mean, do we tell he's a conundrum that we're kind of in is, you know, do we just go back and get another job and then try to do this on the side? I mean, we did the job. We got to go get paid. Right. So, I mean, do we do that first? You get paid and then with that money pay by the ropes and then do our own thing.
00:06:46
Speaker
I don't know, Betsy, what do you think? I think we should do what Tulip wants to do. Alright, can you ask Tulip what she wants to do?
00:06:59
Speaker
I think we should definitely go see if we can go get my dresses for me and Betsy while we're going and getting something for the mission because, you know, we have to look good underneath of our robes because the brown is just so drab.
00:07:22
Speaker
Well, perhaps you should go and get us paid then. So maybe we go back to DDI real quick and get our paycheck and then we'll have more money to spend on your dresses, right? You are so right. We never got paid from that last job.
00:07:42
Speaker
So OK, OK, here's the plan. I want to go do a little bit of reconnaissance at the church, go to go see talk, see who I can talk to, maybe follow Evan around and then you guys go get paid, go get your dresses, buy whatever other shiny things and maybe get us some robes while you're at it and then meet me at the church and then
00:08:02
Speaker
Yeah, that's about as far as my brain thought of a plan. I mean, that sounds good. Let's meet at the snurch. At the snurch. The snurch.
00:08:14
Speaker
Like the name Snurch or something, we should say that. That is a good, I'm going to say that for a character name. Like Snurch Hardbody or something like that. Snurch Hardbody. Snurch Tiggle Bitty.
00:08:33
Speaker
Let's expedite because it's going to be kind of silly. You guys are going to see, you guys are going to Dungeon Dive Inc. to try and get paid? Yes, we're going to go see Hercules. Snurched Dingleberry. I have none. So yeah, you guys get to Dungeon Dingleberry Inc.
00:08:54
Speaker
That's the sequel. Totally changing the name when I'd have a corporate takeover and take time special myself. We'll start our own company where we don't go into dungeons and shit called Dingleberry Inc. Don't ask me why.
Getting Paid & Future Missions
00:09:07
Speaker
You guys go up there to talk to your old boss, Kaleez. He's in his office. Hi, I'm using my cleavage clackers. Hello. Anyone home? Yes, come on in.
00:09:24
Speaker
Um, hello. We're here to get paid from our last job. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Yeah. The, uh, they left their money here with us and I figured I'd hold on to it because I figured you'd come back to me. Uh, here you go. Uh, and I already took what they're going to give us out of it or what you would give us out of what they are going to give you. So here's 50 silver coins for you guys. They gave us 60. Oh, nice. Yeah. Wait, is that right? No, they gave us 55. They gave us a percentage.
00:09:53
Speaker
Sorry, I'm still talking over you. Sorry, I'm still talking over you. What am I doing today? Yeah, any fancy plans? No, just kind of going to sit here and do my Kegels. Do you have another job for us? Did you say he's doing his Kegels? Yeah. Search Kegels. We probably got some, we always got more things to do. What were we about to say there, Protex?
00:10:22
Speaker
Do you ever leave this room or do you just live here? I go home at night. Sometimes we got to work late hours. I got to keep track of all the reports. Because if you just stay in this front room all the time, it would be suspicious. Yeah, only weird characters stay in one place all the time. It's weird. I'm a normal human guy, so I got to go to bed. What kind of house do you have? I don't want to disclose that information to you.
00:10:50
Speaker
Oh, I was just wondering, do you have a puppy? Uh, no, I don't have any puppies now. Darn it. One time. I just want to pet a puppy one time. No, sorry. Do you have any puppies? That's your new thing. Um, anyway, yes. If you guys want some more work, there's always something to do. I'm kind of preoccupied. So no, thank you.
00:11:14
Speaker
Oh, all right. Are you the one that asked? I'll do it. Do you have any jobs? I don't want anything. Don't be funny though.
00:11:25
Speaker
Well, I mean, we got some that aren't really time pressing. Sometimes we get just leads on people find creepy old dungeons and shit that might be interesting for us to look into. We pay people to give us information, so not just people who need us to go somewhere for a specific reason. Sometimes we just tell you to go there because someone said there might be some cool stuff there.
00:11:47
Speaker
If you guys want to- Can I get one of those? Yeah, yeah, whenever you get around to it, since you're all busy, too busy for old broccolis here. If you want to head up, actually, no, down, down, because we went up a bunch already. We're going to go down today, next time. Down, back kind of where you went before for the Enchanted Woods, but past that place when you met that guy at
00:12:12
Speaker
going to go to a town called Bogburg. There's some somebody, some old, some peat farmer found an old crypt or something down there in the swamps. And he is pretty peat farmer. Is he a butcher, Pete? I'm getting a tickle in my head like there's somebody annoying me somewhere far away. Anyway, thanks for bringing boom around, by the way. That guy kind of drives me crazy.
00:12:40
Speaker
Um, yes, it's like busy or something. You guys kind of drive me crazy too. Special talent. Uh, but anyway, yeah. Yeah. Whenever you get a chance to go down there and see what they're all about. Uh, the guy's name was, uh, Jefferson or something like that. Uh, couldn't really read his handwriting. Very terrible when you write, send a letter up here, but, uh, go to Boggsburg, ask around.
00:13:04
Speaker
Somebody knows anything about a dungeon out there. Yeah, you'll get probably pointing in the right direction. His name is Jackson or something. Exactly. Okay, good. So let's leave. Okay. Did you finally get any candy? I told you last time I had some, it's terrible. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye for Dex. Bye.
00:13:33
Speaker
Bye. I'm leaving. Bye. Classic protects. I'm trying to play hard to get. Excellent. All right. So you got 50 coin in your pocket, new coin. And then you can go, what places in the town would you like to go to look for things that have robes potentially in them?
00:13:58
Speaker
I mean, let me look at the map. There's a central market, I remember that doesn't sound like a bad idea. Yeah, you can get wherever you need really there. There's some upscale clothing places that are what's her face already made a pretty woman situation in or she might when she comes back with her money. And, you know, magical shops probably have. But yeah, wherever you heck you want to go. Tell me what you're walking there and I will so describe it happening. So you know, like a clothing place, right, Tulip?
00:14:29
Speaker
Um, yes, I went to, where did I go? It was the Sartorius clothing shop, right? I don't know. Probably. Pretty sure. Um, that's, so that's where I went and found a dress for me and my dolly. I mean, that sounds like any good place to go. So I'll just follow you there. Okay.
Shopping for Robes & Haggling
00:14:56
Speaker
All right. So you guys walk, um, to there through the town. It's like on the opposite end of town from where dungeon I think is take a little while. You pass by the cathedral. You probably see boom, pa falling around that guy. Um, and, uh, I've cast a tiny spell of me sneaking going. And yeah, you go up through the town to that store and you're there. We have arrived. Now what do we do?
00:15:25
Speaker
Um, well, we have to go in the door. That's a good idea. She opens the door. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Yes. Hello. Well, it's, it's you. I cannot forget such a face. Uh, you've got the finished your dress and the dress for that little thing. You can. Oh.
00:15:48
Speaker
Thank you so much. I do have the money for it, but I do have a question for you. We have to find some kind of robes for a job, and Dungeon Dive Inc. is going to be paying for it since it's for a job anyways, so do you have a account for them?
00:16:11
Speaker
No, I do not deal in such things as tabs and accounts. I take money upfront, or not upfront, I don't think money front of you. I take money upon passage of cloth to hand and no other thing suffices for me. That's probably a really good idea. Having too many tabs open is really stressful. I have been, I've seen many a shop fall to ruin based on credit. Yeah. Darn it. Well, okay. So we just need like,
00:16:39
Speaker
three brown robes just drab boring you know nothing too spectacular just for me and him over here and then we'll probably need just a something like um something to cover our faces
00:16:58
Speaker
Oh, you're, you're sure nothing too spectacular. I've got cashmere, velvet, silk. You could have a fine silk robe. Oh, look, come touch this exquisite. Honestly, if it was a burlap sack, I wouldn't really care. Ah, well, I shouldn't have expected anything more. Um, I think I've got some old pieces of junk laying around. I could hem together into a sort of robe like thing for you. Wonderful. It feels very good. Yeah. Yes. Three, you said.
00:17:26
Speaker
Yes, it's not for anything too, like, it's just for a one-time use, so we don't really have to go too crazy over them or anything. Well, even for people who I would not suspect to come to this shop, I would still do the utmost of my ability to make it exquisitely perfect. Anyway, I ask you this now. I assume one is for you, milady, so I will do another one of giant dimensions and another for you, sir, at very tiny dimensions. Who is the third for, your doll again?
00:17:57
Speaker
No, you're like a human. A human of average height. So I will get to you in a moment, Dublin. A human of average height and size and girth. Okay. Not too broad in the shoulders. Um, no, he's kind of scrawny. But Paul is very, very bulky.
00:18:17
Speaker
I know she's picking on him because she's bigger than him. I was going to say we weren't like a fucking like a like a tube top or a tank top or some shit or like a billie shirt. I was showing a lot of midriff. She's doing this on purpose.
00:18:32
Speaker
It's that'll save I suppose then it's it'll almost be like I'm only making a normal sized robe for two people since I'm making one for the small goblin here and one for the skinny person on who you have behind somewhere not here and a large one for you. That's perfect. And I'm sorry, goblins. Yes, I was calling you tiny as you were about three or so feet tall. It looks to me there.
00:18:53
Speaker
You know, I'm very tall for a goblin. I cannot speak on whether that may be true or not. I will say you do look formidable. That is quite a fine suit of plate mail you're wearing. Thank you very much. Yes, you're yours. No one ever has that compliment in my plate armor before.
00:19:09
Speaker
It looks like a fine clunking suit, if I'm judging it right by the making model. My favorite clunking suit I've ever owned. Yes, it's a fine armor brand. Any whos, yes, I'll make those for you. It should be quite cheap. Perhaps I'll just take five silver, I suppose. Not too big of a deal.
00:19:30
Speaker
Wonderful. So here's my silver for my dresses. And then here's the silver for the robes. Well, thank you. Here you are. And he panned you over like a really nice box with your dress in it. It's got like a ribbon wrapped around it and shit. And there's a little tiny box on top of that. Oh, Betsy, look. We got ribbons.
00:19:53
Speaker
Yes. Enjoy. Thank you for your patronage return. It should not take me much time at all to make those things for you. So return, whatever you like, they should be ready. Wonderful. Thank you. All right. Tattie byes. Bye-bye. Bayleaf. Let's go and see who. Okay.
00:20:17
Speaker
We'll go back to see what boom was doing while you guys you guys had separated back at the Archbishop's house. Boom. What's your deal? I would like to try to cast a spell on myself. Whoa. You disguise myself as who I believe is Evan. OK, so you're going to roll your roll your roll your mind. I don't feel like this is the time I want to roll the best and I'm probably going to roll the dog shittiest, but you know,
00:20:47
Speaker
I just tried to shake things up a little bit. I'm like, I would like to try to. All right. Why don't you hear that? Cass believes in me. So let me have a good role. Do it, do it, do it, do it. Do you want to reroll that sucker now? Well, you tell me there's a seven adequate to do what I want to do. I think that's a mid success, so it's not going to be perfect, but.
00:21:15
Speaker
You know, what do you think? What do you think, gang? Should I reroll it or keep it? I always like I would keep a mid success. Yeah. All right. Then I'll store my seven for later. All righty. So, yeah, you turn. I mean, I guess you turn into what you think is Evan. Well, I'm following him. So I'm trying to like, oh, you want to look like that guy.
00:21:37
Speaker
No, the guy I'm following. Yeah. No, the one who I think's name is Evan. Oh, okay. Okay. I thought you were trying to turn into what you think the actual Saint Evan would look like. No, no, I'm trying to turn in. I'm trying to turn into the guy I'm following. I think his name is Evan. All right. I know his name isn't as Adam, but, um, in that case, then.
00:21:56
Speaker
You probably get the back of his head right because you're looking right at it, but. Are you changing like you're close to? I'm trying to look exactly like him the way that they. I mean, I guess it really doesn't matter because they haven't seen him for a minute, but like, yeah.
00:22:11
Speaker
So I'm really, I guess I'm probably trying to look as much like him as I possibly can based on what I remember of him.
Church Infiltration Plan
00:22:17
Speaker
And from what I'm looking at now.
00:22:32
Speaker
You feel that sort of change on your head. You feel hair draw to your head. Oh, nice. And you feel your face getting all sort of chunked up and moving around. I guess it doesn't really move around. You feel like it looks different. You see a different sort of nose looking in front of your eyes. It's more of just a visual change. Unless you wanted to do a physical change, temporary.
00:22:57
Speaker
I said it's either just a visual like a veneer over yourself or it actually is like a physical change in your body if you want to do that too. Temporary, of course, but I mean, I'm just trying to do like kind of like an illusion. I'm not trying to actually transform myself. So like I'm just trying to make it look I'm trying to look the best I can, like with like kind of like glamour over me. Yeah, you see your nose changes kind of like what you can see of it. And say if you feel like you've done a job testing your spell, it seems like it worked. I want to go. I want to go tap him on the shoulder.
00:23:27
Speaker
Um, all right. Uh, you tap them. You so tap him. Roll, roll the tap. Just kidding. Um, you tap on his shoulder. He turns on. Oh yeah. What's up. I roll by the tap. I rolled a three. I miss. Whoa. Why won't you just brush against me there? Careful fellow. Hey, who are you? Hey, hey, cause I'm, I'm a gift gifted doppelganger to take your place in jail. Cause.
00:23:51
Speaker
Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but you don't look anything like me, brother. I mean, you got the haircut, you got the clothes. Um, you kind of got me nose, but like the lips are all wrong and I don't have a goatee. Yeah. I'm going to say that I grew it because I was in jail for so long cause and, uh, that the bad guys roughed me up cause where, where are you? Where'd you even come from? Cause I was sent by Evan to protect you. Cause that doesn't sound right.
00:24:20
Speaker
Who's the god again? Asmarat? What is it? Uh, Altuz Ash is the god. Evan's the saint. He let you in the church. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Well, you know what? That was Adam forgetting the name of the god. I wouldn't have said Evan. I would have said the name of the god. He still has the same reply. That doesn't sound right. What's the name? Altuz Ash? Altuz Ash, yes.
00:24:40
Speaker
Alta's Ash, Metrion, Zinthus. Okay. Um, yeah, cause Alta's Ash sent me cause. Well, maybe, maybe I've been right this whole time. Maybe he doesn't think we should be taking all this money. He doesn't cause. And he told me he wants me to keep you out of jail so you can go keep spreading the good word. And, uh, I'm going to go and take your place. And then when it's time, he's going to send me back to the great IFA beyond and everything will be okay. Cause.
00:25:07
Speaker
I guess. I mean, I just leave town. Yep. Just go into hiding somewhere. I heard that, uh, that there's a couple of ventures around the place that give you some protection or just leave for a little while cause. And I'll give you a little ring on your, on a magic rock or something when it's time to come back. Cause. Oh, are you talking about them folks already saved me once cause. Hmm. Yes. I'm I'm professional.
00:25:35
Speaker
Yeah, cause we, uh, we, we had a little bit of a, a little bit of a, uh, a watchapoo when we were looking down upon you and we saw what was going on and we heard what you talked about up on the mountain. And out as Ash told me, you got to go down and protect our guy. Cause he's onto something hot here and these people aren't speaking good, good faith in my name. Oh, all right, bruv. I guess that's good then. All right. Uh, I guess I would go find those people I was talking to before.
00:26:02
Speaker
Yeah, or just go meet them at the DDR. Maybe cover your face, because no one knows what you are. Maybe change your outfit on account of I'm wearing yours, or just give me your outfit if you want. Oh, I mean, it looks pretty good on you, bruv. You had to look, go in there. Really, also, I don't think anybody knows what I look like around here. Oh, that's good. Any other passwords or anything they got to know to get into the church, because?
00:26:26
Speaker
Um, no, uh, you, yeah, just go, yeah, just go in here and say, Hey, this is me for James Lee here for my trial. James Lee. Right. That's her name. Yes. That's our name. Yeah. You want my mind. Yes. No, it's our name. Cause that's for sure. That's for true. All right. Thanks. I guess I'll go.
00:26:46
Speaker
Um, fuck around. All right. Sweet ass. See you around. Cause he walks away and I approach the church. Well, no, I'm going to give a call. I'm going to give a quick call to, uh, to, uh, to, I don't know who the fuck would I call? Um, Betsy.
00:27:14
Speaker
That's very real. He'd call Betsy. That was like total at the same time. I talk into the setting sound like call Betsy. Cause you're here after a little while here. Oh no. What can I do for you? Who's this? I don't know. My name is Betsy. I don't know how we'll name Boom Papa. Who are you? Right. Sorry, wrong number.
00:27:39
Speaker
Hey, fuck off. Damn it. I don't have a number, cos, hang on, uh, Taylor, call Taylor Cupp's podcast. Hello. Hey, it's Betsy there, cos, it's Boom Papa. Boom Papa. Um, yeah, sure. Hold on. Hello.
00:28:07
Speaker
Let's see, it's me, boom, pa, pa. I'm, I'm disguised as Evan, whose name apparently is also Aimsley or something. Anyways. Yeah. Can you tell the others that I'm about to go to prison on purpose, or at least stand trial. And then, um, you guys make your way in when you can to bust me out. Okay. Cause. Um, what? Also, I'm sorry. Can you not hear me? Is my reception bad? Cause.
00:28:37
Speaker
No, I heard you. What? Yeah, I'm disguised as Evan and Evan's going to come and see us at the DDI and he's going to go under some protection or something, because maybe leave town. I'm not sure yet. So if you see Evan, I mean, Aimsley floating around, you just tag him. Unless it's me. I'll tell you, it's me because I'll say it's Boompa Park because he wouldn't say that because he's not him. Right, because he's not me. There's a mad person on the phone.
00:29:08
Speaker
Hello? Can you put Tulip on the phone, please? Who are you talking to? Hello? Hey, it's Boompup. No, I'm Boompup, but it's Protex Goldair too. Yes, he's here. Can you put me on speaker, cause? Sure. Click. Hey guys, I'm going to repeat the same thing. I just repeated to Betsy on account. I don't want to repeat myself again cause that's all the things I did cause.
00:29:39
Speaker
What? What? Why are you trying to go to jail? I'm gonna infiltrate from the inside, cos... But... We want to go to the church, and the jail is probably not in the church.
00:29:56
Speaker
What now? I'm going to go in the church to stay in trial first, Cos. So I'm going to be inside the building. And then what not is... Nope, that's not what I want to say. And then what I'm not going to do is go to jail because that's when you guys are going to come in and save the day, right? And you could also just like grab our robes and go into church like normal people. Yeah, you could, Cos, but I'm already committed to the bit. I mean, I feel like I can't really stop you from this, so sure. Already on my way to the church, bruv.
00:30:25
Speaker
And I'll go there too. Right. Just, um, you know, come in and wait for the trial, sit for the trial, and then I'll call you up as a witness or something. Yeah. You can do whatever you want. Cause I love tomatoes. Boom. My mom used to make them for me all the time. Fresh tomatoes from magic. Okay. Tula, let's go and throw tomatoes at Boom Papa. Okay.
00:30:50
Speaker
Right. So we'll, uh, we'll cut you guys. You get there and there's a boom. We'll say you already walked us out. I guess we get, well, I walked at you. You go, I walked you out going inside first. You walk up the big old steps. Um, what, what's your, what's your, what's your game plan here? Gonna knock on the door, wrap, wrap, wrap on the chamber door. Tulip is going to put on her new dress and, uh, the dress on Betsy so that she looks nice for church.
00:31:20
Speaker
Fantastic. Got your Sunday best on. Um, so, so you knock on the church door. Um, and I don't know, I feel like this is every time we have a church in the game, you always like knock at the door. It's a public place. You just walk into it, but you knock at the door, um, and nobody answers. Knock, knock, knock. Right. Sorry. You know what? Boom. Mama taught me better. Uh, but you know what? It's church. I haven't been to one in a long time. I guess I can just let myself write in. Hello.
00:31:50
Speaker
Oh, it's nice in here. Um, yeah, it's big, huge vaulted ceilings. There's all kinds of stained glass and shit. Um, there's dudes with the sun and shit and statues and all kinds of crazy stuff. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, it just occurred to me. I don't actually have to do the voice. I only disguised my outside, not my inside. Whoops. Got cut up in it, cuz. Um, so you're in there. You're like the little foyer area. They have like a little, there's a little basin, um, uh, with some,
00:32:19
Speaker
with some coins laying in it. It doesn't say anything because of the sun with a little hand pointing down into the bowl. And there's a guy standing beside it with a little bit of metal armor on and a little sort coat kind of thing over it with the sun on it.
00:32:35
Speaker
And he's just standing there and there's like the actual church beyond you can see all the pews and the giant stage up front and everything else going on. OK, so I mean, I don't really have it. It doesn't look like I have to acknowledge this person like at the little dish or whatever, right? I can just move past them. No, yeah, I just wanted to say that they have that Ben is probably for donation, but they have a guy standing there so no one gets right. He's he's watching it right. So I'm just going to where is the most important looking
00:33:05
Speaker
I don't know. Are there any other doors that I see or any other passages I can go in or is it just like a straightforward head towards the main entrance of the church like the.
00:33:14
Speaker
What the fuck do you call the big room where they do all that? Hey yo, you know, whatever they do there. Hey a wall room. Um, there's, you see a couple doors off the side, but do you remember probably when you're outside, there's like towers in the front, sort of like some small towers that go up and shit. So there's probably like, but those lead to, um, otherwise just a main door that leads into the bigger part of the place for now that you see. Right. I'm just, I'm just going to walk in just like, I'm going to just, I'm trying to think of Evan who I still fix up as Evan.
00:33:39
Speaker
It seems a little bit meager, but still relatively confident to talk to people. So I'm going to kind of try to get in the character and just kind of walk in, maybe slouch over just a little bit. Just like, hello, I'm back from being captured. You hear, you hear like the, the guy, the guy who was at the thing, his, his, you hear like his little armor, um, rattle a little bit. And they like, look, he looks over his shoulder and she's like, what the fuck? Oh, Jesus Christ. Don't mind me cause just turning myself in cause.
00:34:09
Speaker
Huh? Oh, shit. I'm watching the money, man. Go find somebody else. You look handsome, cuz. Just want to let you know. Oh. You see up in the front.
00:34:24
Speaker
I don't know. What does a guy do when he's not doing his things? There's some people milling around like getting shit ready and stuff, but you don't see anybody like you'd think would be the guy in charge. So he's probably somewhere, you know, being lazy, not doing all the work himself. But there's like, there's like different church attendance, putting candles and shit out and like going around putting a pamphlets and all the little seats.
00:34:43
Speaker
Anybody floating around that's got like a nicer looking robe or a different colored robe than everybody else? Like one that looks like he's the head honcha. There's like an Elfen dude who's kind of like a little scroll board, a little board with some paper on. He's like writing stuff. He's like, don't forget 75 candles over there. He's like, yes, yes. The pamphlets to help you with the spend, give us money, yes. Put them in every seat. Yes, yes. Can I see any?
00:35:13
Speaker
entrances to any other or any exits in this room. There's a few doors back by the state. I don't have to turn myself in right now. I realize that like if they don't really recognize who I am all that much, I don't really, you know, I can kind of mill a little bit before I make my move.
Sneaking into the Church Office
00:35:30
Speaker
Yeah, there's a couple big, there's a couple like doors near the back like stage area on either side to kind of lead back to some other areas.
00:35:38
Speaker
Back there and walk towards one as if I belong there. It's if it would stop me Whatever they probably assume you're doing something you walk. There's well, there's they're pretty much on the same. It's probably some Same to you. There's one on the left one on the right, but they kind of just go to the same area I suppose so you come back in like a better any books or scrolls or pamphlets I can pick up the kind of looks like I'm just kind of like passively reading it while I'm walking and
00:36:02
Speaker
Yeah, you can pick anything up you want your price. There's pamphlets in each of the seats They're putting down and stuff you can just pick one of those up well I don't want to read that cuz like I assume I already know what it says So like I want to like have like is there like a scripture book or a scroll or something? It looks like you know are there other people wearing similar outfits to me that I would be able to like oh I should be doing what they're doing I'd imagine it all like the low-level people probably wear brown robes and shit says went to all the people like setting stuff up We're all wearing little brown robes or some sort of like drab attire
00:36:30
Speaker
I mean, yeah, you're probably milling around for some reason or another. Okay, cool. I'm going to- And as you're walking, the guy's like, I see empty hands, empty hands, Altuzaj hates empty hands. Go fetch something to put somewhere. Right, because I'm going to replace his candle. I'm just going to pick up a nearby candle and just walk with it. He doesn't even lift his eyes up front of the paper. Yes, very good. 75, 75 candles at each core, 75. No more, no less.
00:36:58
Speaker
I'm going to take this candle just that way. Captain OCD over there has to look for another candle while I'm looking around. So yeah, you go to one of the back doors back there. You can go in. No one really stops you yet. There's like a little sort of like a horizontal hallway that goes to the length of like behind the stage area, sort of perpendicular to like the main sort of building area. So it's a little thin hallway. Has a couple of doors back here. One of which you can see is like a window that goes outside. A couple
00:37:28
Speaker
I'll just tell you this. If you pick a dome, they correspond to like two towers on the back of the building. And then there's one that looks a little nicer, a little heavier of a door. It goes into like a backspace that you may or may not be in office or something or a rectory, perhaps. Cool. I'm going to pull up my sending stone and I'm going to send a ping out to the Protex.
00:37:49
Speaker
Oh, Protex, you get a phone call. Protex call. Who's that? Who's talking? Hey, it's me. I just realized I don't got to talk the way I was talking. I was just kind of stuck in character there.
00:37:59
Speaker
You know, it's kind of running while you do that, but I assume that's just like the magical side effects. Yeah, I don't know, because I mean, I don't know, dude. What's wrong? So I'm on the inside. So if you two kind of want to come in and start doing a little schmoozing, I could use a distraction while I go and rifle through one of these offices in here. I realize that I'm going to turn myself in right away because most of these people don't even know what I look like. I mean, that's what I told you. What Ainslie looks like, I mean.
00:38:26
Speaker
There's not really a need for like turning in, but if you need a distraction, I'm your guy. Well, there's a need for that because they're looking to put him in jail or at least looking to put him on trial for doing nothing wrong. So at least I can fight my way out of there. He's not going to do it. I mean, he could also just hide. Well, he is. I sent him to go hide while I take his place. You know, for a guy named Protex, you got to think outside the box. Sometimes it's not about fighting to protect somebody like physically. You know, you got to use your brain to protect people.
00:38:55
Speaker
You know what I really want to protect is my kind. I don't really care about the guy. Well, then why the hell are you here? Because you're going to steal from the church. Yeah. And that's cool. Not just for us. You know that, right? Listen, I got to be clear. It's not just for us. I mean, we can take some of it because fuck these guys, but we're going to share it with all the poor people. Yes. You can share it with other people. I'm going to buy Betsy a really nice wedding dress.
00:39:24
Speaker
And then you're going to have a really nice wedding. Yeah, but not in this church. I'm going to get married on the top of that mountain. I'm going to buy that mountain with church money. So that's great.
00:39:35
Speaker
So yeah, Protex tool. If you guys get to the outside of the church, you were probably walking there, so he's told you to meet him there better. And you see, I was going to say, if you turn his vent, I was going to say there's a guy outside saying, try out to occur, selling tomatoes, get your tomatoes before the guy gets put in the stockade or whatever's going to happen. There's no one out there now.
00:39:54
Speaker
He's not out there, though, because the guy didn't turn himself in. So no one knows yet. So you just see the church. There's people milling around, going in and out, getting ready for stuff. People at the market outside the church area. What do you do with yourselves? Go inside? What? What are you doing? You going right inside? She's just going to walk inside with her nice dress on over her armor.
00:40:16
Speaker
Yes. You going into protects? I'm going to put on my robes if I haven't done it already and let go in there. That would be what the kids call a mood if you're wearing armor under redress. I'm that kind of princess. Actually, guys, you hadn't gotten your robes yet because he just started making them. All right. Yeah. So yeah, pray you're just going in there with your armor naked to the world. You guys are just visitors. Yeah. Just normal. Just normies. Yeah, we're casing the place.
00:40:45
Speaker
You walk in, you see the same thing I told you. The boom sees. There's a little front entry room. There's a little pedestal if people would put donations in as soon as they get in if they want to. There's a guy standing there guarding it, and he looks at you guys surprised. He does a little shake of his head and just looks dead focused on the wall somewhere else, not looking at you guys. You see beyond the big church area, everybody milling around back there too. The floor is yours. All right.
00:41:14
Speaker
We pretend to have like a really big fight and like throw stuff around and they need to stop us. Um, I was thinking more of like casing the place for a little bit and like seeing our best way in. Well, we are already in and boom needs a distraction. But he's not in jail and is he already?
00:41:41
Speaker
No, he's not in jail. I might have forgotten to tell you. He's wanting to look into the office that's like within the church. And so he can do that. We need to like distract the people in here. Hmm. Am I not in big enough distraction for you? I'm inside you here. Why is there only 74 candles? This is bullshit. Someone.
00:42:08
Speaker
Altuzash will smite you if there's not 75 candles over here. I love the idea of an archbishop. You're like, this is bullshit, guys. You don't have any rules on swearing. Anyway, so you just said you're not, would you ask Tulip again to ask, to protect the question again? Do I not look like a big enough distraction to you? I mean, you could be.
00:42:36
Speaker
But we also need to do a little acting. Well, you know, I did have a plan to just go up there and start singing a song with me and Betsy in our new dresses. I mean, you could do that and I'll steal some candles or something.
00:43:02
Speaker
The candle bandit's still at large. The candle bandit. The whole town has to shout out until we find this fucking candle. Keep your wax on your wicks under lock and key. What kind of song are you singing? Um, I don't know yet. I'll figure it out when I get up there. Well, we are here. I thought we were at the back of the church.
00:43:31
Speaker
Yes. Are we in the church? Yes, but you're not at the stage yet. Yeah. I just haven't gotten to the stage yet. We were in the back. Okay. Um, so a tulip is going to walk up with Betsy and like, uh, Shirley Temple style. And, um, she's going to get to the front of the, where everybody is like
00:43:57
Speaker
praying and stuff and she's gonna start singing animal crackers in my soup monkeys and rabbits loop-de-loop and she's gonna do like the head nod to Protex. That elf guy looks up he's like what are you doing up there? What are you doing?
00:44:26
Speaker
I'm singing a song, shut up. This is not a, this is not that, get, he starts walking, he's like, uh, guys, get down, please. That's not, that's not what we do. This is not that type of place. No, we don't get, come on, come on. This is boring though. You guys need to spice it up. Gosh, show me.
00:44:48
Speaker
I can't remember the words to this song. Oh my gosh. She's wasted, you guys. Oh my God. God. Okay.
00:44:58
Speaker
You three go up there and get them. And they tell us a couple of people to go up and get you. And they're like, um, they look real hesitant and they start walking over towards you. Uh, Protex, what are you doing? I'm going down. I'm using a chance to do the candle theft. Oh, the candle theft. Brand theft candle. Are you trying to be sneaky? You trying to make them make sure they know you're grabbing them and taking off with them.
00:45:22
Speaker
I use body for that, right? For what? For stealth. No, you use nerve. Nerve, right. That answers the question. He was asking if you're trying to do it sneakily or if you're trying to make it very blatant that you're doing it. I was doing a sneaky sneak. Kind of like a little kid that knows he's going to get yelled at where he goes, I'm going to take a cookie. I really hope you do it really well and you don't even notice, so no one even knows.
00:45:44
Speaker
It's good. Throw your nerve to see if you keep cool and free. Oh, okay. I have a seven, so I'm going to use the seven.
00:45:52
Speaker
Okay. Oh, actually, those evaporated at the end of each session, Adrian. Sorry, Buster. What's that? They go away at the end of every session. Sorry. Remember, you have to use it or you lose it, remember? Use it or it's not like Benny's. You don't get them back. You get them as you play and they go away. Adrian, you silly sausage. You silly. Come on, man. We all know the rules of this game.
00:46:16
Speaker
Yeah, totally. Even me. I stole a free roll. Well, sorry, Adrian. You go over there with your metal armor, clink, clank, clink, clank, clank. You're like, ah, shit. You start like going a little slower and you reach up towards the...
00:46:30
Speaker
candles and you grab one and your big old metal mitts knock a bunch of them over and they all fall down. Whatever sound candles make when they fall. A candle falling. That sounded musical. He looks away from where he's pointing at the guys to go up and talk to tulip and he's like, who are you now? What is going on around here? I want to hide inside my arm like a turtle.
00:47:04
Speaker
So when you do that, do you do it like when you jump up and just suck your your limbs into your armor or do you just drop to the ground and do it?
00:47:12
Speaker
You just turn into a ball. I want to imagine they just he just like jumps up and sucks his whole body in. I just hear like as he jumps to the floor.
Encounter with Archbishop Oswald
00:47:22
Speaker
There's nothing visible. It's just I don't know. I don't know what the what the fuck that was until there's three church workers sort of sheepishly walking up the steps to the stage towards you. They're like, oh, OK, lady, just come on. Can you please leave like this is like
00:47:40
Speaker
This is really isn't working out for us. And I guess boom in the background, you hear all this going on back there in the hallway. So we'll go to you real quick. What do you hear all the kerfuffle people yelling and going, hey, candles and shit. I took I took the one that I took. We actually know I keep it. I just keep holding it. I'm just I just keep holding it the way it is. And I blow it out. So it's like I'm like, yeah.
00:48:03
Speaker
And I'm going to rip the wick out of it and just chuck it somewhere. That way, if someone stops me, I can tell them like, oh, man, I got to I got to fix my the candle. That's what I'm doing. Yeah, I got a dud. So I got to replace it because you know how anal that guy gets, right? So, yeah, I continue onward towards what I think is like an important little office area. And I'm going to go I'm going to try to get in there.
00:48:25
Speaker
And yeah, it's not going to be locked here. You just open the door up. Yeah. I mean, I don't have any reason to believe it would be booby trapped in a church, so I'm just going to open it up. Yeah, that's fine. You open it up. And it's a very lavish little office. There's a nice freaking foreign rug from some elven kingdom far away and fine draperies on the walls and nice dark mahogany and a nice desk, a shiny desk. And at that desk, there's a man.
00:48:54
Speaker
I'm wearing a big fluffy red robe and he looks up. He's like What the hell are you doing in here? Do I know him as Evan or do I know a different guy as Evan is do I would I know the red is Archbishop color you can maybe assume it's he looks pretty fancy Okay, so that's not Evan out there. That's good to know the one that's being anal about the the candles. I
00:49:17
Speaker
No one is Evan, but okay. Did you say that the archbishop was Evan? No, Evan's the saint that lets you into heaven. I thought he said he was the guy that lets you into the church. No, no, no. No, this is a big, big, big fancy looking guy at the desk. What's the archbishop's name? I know that he told us. I don't think I gave you a name.
00:49:44
Speaker
Oh, you didn't? Okay. Oh, hey, cuz. Just looking for a way to fix this candle. Cuz it's not, it's, it's wigless. Do I look like the candlemaker? Get the fuck out of here.
00:49:59
Speaker
Can you tell me where to get the Wix, because? Go talk to Jeremy over there. Listen, I understand that you're, you know, are you new? You could say that because it's my first day in the church, if that's what you're asking. Okay, listen. Also, there seems to be a kerfuffle going out in the main hall there. It seems like there's some sort of crazy goblin that's wrecking the place and I don't know what proper protocols is because
00:50:26
Speaker
All right, hold on. He pulls up his own sending a stone off the table. He's like Zachary near. Well, cast a ward over the money bin and go crack some skulls in the church. All right. All right. So hopefully Zachary can handle whatever's going on there. Listen, buddy, I don't know what they told you when you started. I'm the archbishop. I don't deal with anything that involves you.
00:50:57
Speaker
or anyone else. You know who I talk to? Altezash, that's it. I don't care about anything else. I don't care about anybody else. I count the money and I talk to Altezash. So you go back out there, talk to Jeremy. I don't care who's getting into a fight out there. I don't care what kind of bloodbath's going on. You put those damn candles up and you make sure the pamphlets are out there for people to pay money, okay? Where's Zachary? So I can go and kind of watch how he does things so I can learn. Listen, you're
00:51:25
Speaker
Um, are you, uh, ninth level paladin? I'm pretty close. Cause I don't think that's probably true, but, um, he'll be out there taking care of the riffraff that you said to come in. Right. Okay. I said, right. Okay. All right. It's just my accent. It's where I'm from. Yeah. I don't know where the hell you're from. Where are you from? So like truly knows don't even start that kind of shit with me. Get the fuck out of here.
00:51:54
Speaker
I forgot I was going to give him the Joel Osteen voice, oh well. That's the stage he does. He's like, welcome everyone. Right. That's like his stage voice that kind of like he does for like the crowds and shit. Cause he sounds like when he goes off and he lights up a cigarette and puts his boots up. I see it. Um, real quick question cause before I go, if I might. Okay. What? Um,
00:52:18
Speaker
Where did you get such fine lavishree? This is gorgeous and I'm a bit of a decor.
00:52:27
Speaker
enthusiast myself outside of the church. I'm a whore for the court. Listen, you're too poor to even know the names. So just go out there and throw that candle away. Well, in your honor, your grace, I hate to curse. His fine eminence will suffice.
00:52:50
Speaker
All right, his fine eminence will suffice. I hate to correct you, sir, but my family is actually quite...
00:53:00
Speaker
Well, where I come from, we call it loaded. And, um, meaning they have a lot of cash, a lot of gold, a lot of silver. Um, and they got a lot of trinkets, a lot of fine valuables. And, um, you know, they said, if things go well at the church I start at, they might be making some donations. And so we've seen some quite nice things in my travels. And, um, I wanted to send a few letters back to me, mom, to let her know what I've been seeing. Uh, roll personality, succeed.
00:53:31
Speaker
How does it has an eight do for you that is a mid success do you want to roll again? I do have a seven Through success on his own. I want to have him to a full turnaround 180 on you I would love so much of this if this dude was just like oh well that case here come on
00:53:53
Speaker
another eight okay so he uh he like he was sort of leaning back in his chair he like he straightens it one of them um he wipes his like face off he was like eating garbage and shit um and he he has like this big pointed red hat with like golden trim he puts on his head real quick he's like he jumps up comes around he's like oh well let i'm sorry master let me
00:54:17
Speaker
Why didn't you say so in the first place? I didn't know you were a Sandin from one of our wealthy constituents. I'm so sorry. Right, because no problem at all. You know, where I come from are very forgiven. He shakes your hand. He's like, thank you, thank you anyway. Yes. Well, I mean, hold on. Let me show you, in fact, where we keep the finest ... I keep some verified candles right in his closet right over here. You want to see them, son?
00:54:44
Speaker
Oh absolutely i'm a bit of a connoisseur of fine things like candles and draperies and different assorted coins. Alright well hey i'll show you some fine ones here i'll get you the finest one you got there and you tell jeremiah that you got that one yourself and he'll think you're doing pretty good. I'll get you good up on this in this in this church all right hey here. Can't wait to be a ninth level paladin sir.
00:55:06
Speaker
Oh, we can all dream. Anyway, let me take that nasty old broken candle from you. And he's like, and he opens up a little cupboard and there's like a little shelf, has a bunch of candles and shit, there's a bunch of other ones, like a bunch of boxes and shit in there too, and like various bits and bobs and like nice cloths and silks and things. He's like, here you go. There's this candle right here. Ask out a golden wick in it. Tell Jeremiah that you scrounged that up yourself. You don't want me to say I got it from his royal limits, sir?
00:55:37
Speaker
No, no! By all means, you take the credit, and you'll do just right in this church. Now, make sure you tell your family how generous his fine eminence archbishop Oswald can be. Right. I just hope that they don't bring stuff you already have, because...
00:55:54
Speaker
I would hate to, I would hate to saw your collection with a bunch of things you already got on account. They want to, you know, they kind of want to, you know, be kind of benefactors. I think we're hoping one day to have our names maybe on our own door, on our own wing. They're looking to make a big donation, sir.
00:56:12
Speaker
Well, by all means, whatever they could send is the finest, whatever they could send is fine by me. You know, out of those ashes, not judge or discrepate between what he would receive from the gracious gifts of his people.
00:56:27
Speaker
Right. All right. Cause, uh, could I, could I maybe give you a, just a small donation from my pocket now, just as a, as a, as a good fight. He's like, uh, you can tell he's kind of like, he feels like it's it's he's like, I don't know. He feels like, I don't know. I shouldn't take money from somebody's hands kind of beneath me, but he's like, uh, yeah, yeah, I'll take it. Could I.
00:56:50
Speaker
Is it possible if I turn away and do a quick little cough or a sneeze? Could I try to do like a little tracking spell on one of the coins I'm about to give him? You could sure as fuck try.
00:57:03
Speaker
Listen, I have I've been having some pretty mid roles as the kids say. Could I have one good one, please? One. Otherwise, this whole thing is for nothing. Come on. It's fucking 60. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. Max Rowe eat shit at Galator. What's his name again? I forget. He didn't say. Did he say his name? This guy you're talking to? Yeah. Oswald, Archbishop Oswald. Oswald. I don't know why I thought Galator was his name. Oswald.
00:57:32
Speaker
So I'm just going to do like a quick little as I pull out like the a couple of coins and give them like three. You know what? How much do I have? I have I think I have a decent amount. I have those golden snake coins on me too. I haven't sold.
00:57:45
Speaker
Uh, so you know what? I'm going to pull out a couple of those nice really shiny fucking gold snake coins and kind of just show them off a bit and then just kind of maybe do a little twinkle magic on there to kind of little traction, a little tracking spell. And he saw, he saw a glint to go. He's mesmerized by that. He doesn't care what you're doing. So yeah, I just want to be like.
00:58:03
Speaker
So, yeah, these were something that were picked up on expedition. It's kind of how my family found their fortune. And, you know, make sure to put these in the safest place because they can't be achieved anywhere else outside of. I don't know what it would be this continent. I don't know where like where I technically would be from.
00:58:22
Speaker
like that, that Ainslie would technically be from. I don't want to say this continent, but like, right? Maybe this, this, uh, I think you're supposed to know he's not from this kingdom at least. All right. So, so you can't really get it outside of this kingdom. So, you know, these are very rare. So make sure you lock them up in a real good place. Cause if they go missing, his eyes are real wide. He's like, show him, give me the money. I mean, please, I'll top with that in the safest place for out to Zash to take him to his, his, into his arms.
00:58:52
Speaker
Oh, excellent. Right. Well, I'm happy to give them to you. And there's more where that came from, sir. As like, I kind of show a few more of those coins in my pocket. Oh, he notices. Let's say I just give them like five of them, give them like five of them. And then, and then just kind of kind of say to myself, like,
00:59:13
Speaker
Well, I hope that Protex and Betsy are doing all right out there. Which, speaking of, you guys are doing your little thing out there. Those guys that were coming up the stage to talk to you, Tulip, another guy is talking to you, Protex, like he's asking you what the fuck you're doing with the candles, and you turn into a little shell of armor. And he doesn't know what the fuck to do about that. And I guess Tulip believes you see
00:59:38
Speaker
Walking down towards you guys, the guy you see, I assume you could probably notice he does like a little something out there. You see a little bubble appear and then it kind of like fades away. He puts a little bubble over like the thing where the money is in the front, but it shows up while he casts it, but then it kind of turns invisible. And then he turns around and walks down and you see, I didn't really say, he's kind of holding like a spear or something. He was like sort of standing on like, you know, in defense, not defense, but like patrol position when he was standing out there and he starts walking in with it and he's like,
01:00:07
Speaker
Oh, come on. I don't want to listen. I like hurting people. Let's just put it there. I like beating people up. But first of all, um, ma'am, you look like a big strong orchish woman. I don't like hitting the lady no matter what. And I don't want to like bloody the floor up too much. I liked some of these guys. I don't make them clean. So can we like not do this today? Where's that little guy at? What's little guy? The guy you came in with. That was no other guy.
01:00:35
Speaker
I don't know what you're talking about. I came in to perform my favorite song. And all I wanted to do was sing with my dolly for people because you guys looked like you needed some livening up. But no. Does that suit of armor laying on the ground over there have hair coming out of it?
01:00:57
Speaker
I'm trying to, like, sneak away. That's what you're talking about. Okay. Uh, so tulip roll personality and, uh, what's your face roll nerve to try and sneak away. Okay. It's an eight. Okay.
01:01:10
Speaker
10. Nice. Yeah, you're creeping away. How are you? What are you doing? Are you staying in your arm? Are you trying to roll around? Yeah, I keep my arm with my head tucked in, but my feet start to get out of my arm, to wobble outside of the church. You're one of those little...
01:01:35
Speaker
cartoon eggs on like a Looney Tunes or a little legs pop out of the egg and they start running around. Yeah, exactly. Okay. We'll
Tulip's Distraction & Boompa's Infiltration
01:01:43
Speaker
say you do that. I mean, you got a mid success though. So I'm going to say at least like one of the little, you bump into like one of the people working there and they're like, Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, I don't want any trouble. Sorry, didn't mean to bump into you.
01:02:03
Speaker
Okay, and he kind of watches you as you you going back out the front door yes Zach this guy just this guy and then Zach's like I don't care shut up lady That's kind of kind of sad what you just said can you just I mean this isn't a place for that kind of thing though Can you just come I mean?
01:02:24
Speaker
Why don't you go like a tavern and sing for those people there? Like, I mean, we're trying to work here. Uh, the archbishop's a real stickler. Um, and she points, she kind of, he kind of like, uh, nods towards, uh, the, uh, elf guy who's like running the show and like the setup show. And he's, he's kind of like, so come on, just come on, come down. Uh, please. I mean, you know, I won't threaten you. I'm just like, I mean, you know,
01:02:53
Speaker
I'll go find somewhere else to sing my song. She saunters out, but then she like, as she like walks by this guy, she like nut taps him. The guard? Yeah. You're going to nut tap the guy. Yeah.
01:03:11
Speaker
That's awesome. Don't think about what they were not tapped before. What about ball tap? You guys ball tap over there? Does ball tap in? Have you seen my ball tap in suit? Do you like hurry away while he's... Well, she like looks at him dead in the eyes and goes rude and then runs out.
01:03:40
Speaker
He looks over at the elf guy, Jeremy. He's like, or Jeremiah, whatever his name was. Oh, that bitch. Any top was ever clang. What's the capital of Thailand? The capital of Thailand, Bangkok. Okay. And things are all quiet out there. Boom. You're in the room. You gave him the coin. What else are you doing with your life?
01:04:04
Speaker
I see I'm kind of torn now as as as a player because I've kind of done a thing I didn't know I was going to do until I did it. And so now I'm like, do I still do the other thing? Because like Ainsley still out there. I don't know. I don't even know. Is there any sign like that? I get any indication that these guys were even looking for him or even waiting for him to get back because they paid to have him come back, right? Yeah.
01:04:31
Speaker
like so like they they want him back and so they're gonna check with EDI that we did the job to have him returned probably so like I almost feel like do I just tell him I'm Ainsley and then like but I'm also super rich so like don't be a dick you know like oh you know I think I'm just gonna go for it what is his name again Oswald yeah Archbishop Oswald sir yes my son
01:04:57
Speaker
Uh, I feel like, you know, as we're in the church, uh, and what's his name again? As it, as what the fuck? God damn it. Out his ashes is watching.
01:05:09
Speaker
I'm never gonna say, God damn, man. I'm never gonna say that. I told you. Fuck. Well, I mean, what's an Alta's Ash, anyway? Sounds like a fucking breath mint. Sounds like something new. I feel like we just need to write this all down. Yeah. It sounds like something you're putting your underwear to refrain from getting shit stains in it. Like, I don't know what Alta's Ash is. Or like an off brand of Alka Seltzer.
01:05:34
Speaker
Right, yeah, it's for your tum-tum. All right, so, altitude. Since we're in the house of Azatash, sir. Um, fuck, is that it? Not exactly. Altitude, altitude, altitude.
01:05:52
Speaker
It's my accent, sir. That's fine. You're so rich. Maybe that's, maybe that's how his name's actually said. It's, it's hard to say cause, um, but I just figured since we're in the church of, you know, the Lord, um, I feel like I must confess something to you, sir. Oh, well, by all means, uh, as you have confessed your earthly belongings upon to me, you confess your, your spiritual ones too.
01:06:22
Speaker
Right, so some friendly adventurers came and set me free from some bandits that captured me recently and you guys paid for my release. That doesn't sound like something we do, but wait.
01:06:35
Speaker
Right. Well, I don't I don't know who paid for it then, but someone paid for the adventurers to come and deliver some money and and and set me free because and that's I'm back. I'm I'm what does he call himself something? Ainsley? Yeah, he's like he's like you see him. He's like sort of like trying to fight back. He's like telling that he's trying to fight back. He's like, hold on a second. You're telling here. Are you saying, son?
01:06:58
Speaker
Your father, Aimsley? I do remember we did a little conscription of some people to bring such a fellow name back because we were looking to see him. That's you? Yeah, that's me because I needed someone to rescue me on account I didn't have my treasures at the time.
01:07:18
Speaker
I wanted to repay you with the money that you gave me plus tenfold from my family for rescuing me. You see his face is real tight. He's fighting back and he's like, you've been speaking out against our way of doing things, but now you're here going along with it now?
01:07:42
Speaker
I'm here. Well, I got to tell you, I prayed real hard because to to to our Lord and and and saviors came for me and I said his name. El to says because. Oh, very good.
01:08:00
Speaker
Uh, I prayed to out to says, um, many times, uh, through my capture and, um, then adventurers came on, on, on his name through you. And I thought, well, I can't be all that bad if they're coming to get me. So I thought, hold on, save that right there. Don't go any further. You're what you're doing is great. Save that for an hour from now when we get all the people in here, we're going to tell them that whole story and we're going to eat it up. That's going to get all that money flowing right into out his ashes. My, my art out his ashes pockets.
01:08:29
Speaker
Right. And yeah, we're going to do lots of good with it, right, sir? He puts his hand on your shoulder and he turns you around and starts walking. He's like, yes, I see a bright future for you, son. Oh, Father Aimsley, you're going to be a big name in this. I think your family is really going to be very happy and hopefully very generous upon the path you're going to take in this church, son.
01:08:54
Speaker
I agree, sir. I'm looking forward to an extended partnership and doing some real good, sir. Oh, that's fantastic. All right. And of course, getting you some more of those fancy snake coins that we got across the pond, sir. Because we both know that Alzatast really loves shiny gold things. Yes, he does. Yes.
01:09:19
Speaker
My
Priestly Investments & Celebrations
01:09:20
Speaker
goodness. Well, let me you know what we gotta do. So he goes he got that got to the main area He snaps his fingers. He's like Jeremiah go fetch this lad here Some some higher level priest higher level priestly investments for him someone, you know, the the rank rank he looks he was like five priest I Kind of I put my thumb I put my my index finger out and kind of point to this guy just a little bit kinda like yeah
01:09:49
Speaker
Rank six, the white ones with the gold trim. There you go. The white ones with the gold trim. Thank you so much for believing in me and giving me a chance. Oh, of course. Always open to folks such as yourself in this place.
01:10:05
Speaker
What? Well, suppose. And then I like boom, kind of thinks to himself and goes, sorry, boom, I promise. I promise I'm doing this for all of my reasons. And then he goes, well, here's to Altezash and making this church a lot of money. Hell yeah. And he snaps his fingers at some of the people and he's like, wine, come on. He's got a great tub of a platter with a couple glasses of wine for you guys. He's like, he holds out for you and he gives a tinky glass.
01:10:36
Speaker
I think it. Here's to a beautiful relationship, very fiscally, spiritually beneficial to everybody involved. Right. And I say, I kind of echo something similar and I just, two-faced style, just flip another one of those gold snake coins, like in my hands, up and down, over and over again. You see his head, his kick is up and down. I just kind of flip it up and down, catch it in my hand.
01:11:03
Speaker
I think we're going to make a lot of great change. A lot of great change. And I think it over to him into his hand.
Boompapaw's Story & Coded Messages
01:11:14
Speaker
And then an hour later, Boompapaw tells his story, which I was going to ask. Playing around with making you act it up, but you already kind of said pretty much the whole story of how he did it. So we'll just. Yeah, so I do want to say I want to try at some point to make an exit and find Ainsley and then switch places back with him now that he's in the good graces of the church.
01:11:33
Speaker
Okay. You give your little story and everybody's like, oh, wow. Yay. Yay. And then you leave and you go, where would you go? Everybody else, it's times passing and there's a little bit of pause coming out of the building yet. What do you do? Or, Broom, would you try to send them a little message saying, hey, I'm not going to come out for an hour or so?
01:11:55
Speaker
I don't know if I would have the ability to do that just because of being watched. Like I'm kind of like the celebrity of the hours. I don't know if I'd really have the opportunity to do that unless I pretended to call my mom. I mean, you could have. Then I would pretend I called my mom, but then whisper like Tulip's name or something and then just let them know like, oh, hey, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Like, don't wait for me. I mean, I don't like go get go get go find the real Aimsley and and tell them to meet me at DDI.
01:12:22
Speaker
You could have even had time to say, oh, I got to take I got to go take a rock a piss. I'll be right back. And you can. Yeah. And I got to watch you like a hawk. And if only by the grace of out to say as if I've been able to hold it this long. I'm about to piss my robes. Yes, you guys know my robes yellow. He he told you he's going to be in there for a while. So where would you guys go
Snacking & Burrito Adventure
01:12:42
Speaker
to? And what would you do waiting for him? Where would you be when he gets out? I should say about snack or something to look.
01:12:51
Speaker
Um, sure. I'm hungry too. Uh, Betsy, are you hungry? Yeah, I'm hungry. Let's go. Let's do that then. You haven't eaten really a whole lot lately. Do you think that that was a long enough destruction for him?
01:13:07
Speaker
I'm sure he's fine. He just told me that he's fine in there and we don't really need to wait for him. Oh, okay. So why do you want to go? I thought as a butcher in town, we could maybe get some meat there. Yeah, that sounds good to me. Is there a good place where they have good burritos? I've always wanted a burrito.
01:13:32
Speaker
I'm sure there's a place that says burritos. Yes. How about we try the Golden Goose? Let's go. I'll follow you. OK, let's go. You guys shoot across the bridge down a little street a little bit. You get to that there's a little tavern. You go there.
01:13:50
Speaker
And you're ordering your, your burritos and the guy's like, oh yeah, we fucking got burritos. Love those elven food. Yeah. Great. And, uh, out of the corner of the room, you hear someone going, all right,
Card Games & Meeting Plans
01:14:04
Speaker
cause you lost another game to father aims. I mean, to me, that's right. Give me your money. I'm winning all these rounds of cards. Who wants to lose to father to me? Uh, Jeffrey. If you, if you care about him being there. I mean.
01:14:20
Speaker
I feel like they are ready. Sure. Let's do the thing we actually were supposed to do. Yeah, because that was part of my instruction. Yes. Are you talking about going to find him? Yeah, I said like to go get him and have him meet me at DDI while I finish up. OK, yeah. He's over there in the corner playing some sort of dice game. I said cards, didn't I? Playing some sort of card game.
01:14:43
Speaker
Yeah, he's like playing with some kinds of cards. Yeah, they're playing what I win. Nobody wants to come play. Oh, it's my favorite game. It's called I win. Come on. Or to like follow Aimsley. Oh, hey there, fella. You want to play? Oh, I wonder. Hey, because how's it going? Um, so we did all thing at the church and not looking for you anymore.
01:15:09
Speaker
Oh, that's great, because what you did, you give him a good say, oh, oh, for fame, please. All right. I always told him, told him I was all right. Yeah. Um, our friend boom has told him that you like really rich and now he likes you. Oh, shit. Cause I don't think I can keep that. Uh, you know what? I don't got the financial backing in to make that realistic though.
01:15:30
Speaker
I mean, he's like giving him some kind of gold coins, I think he probably told me. So I think you'll be fine. You just say like, oh, yeah, I've given you enough money already or like stuff like that. Just say stuff like that. You should be fine for now. I don't think they understand a word of enough money because, but I'll try it. And you should like meet up with like Boomer, like that Dungeon Dive Inc, like later on. But
01:15:58
Speaker
Right, now we can play a round of cards if you want. Oh hell yeah, cause I don't know where that is. You gotta take me there, wait there too, cause I don't know where that is. I'm new, in town. I mean I can show you. Yeah, let's play cards.
01:16:09
Speaker
Yeah. What kind of game is that? I don't know. It's a card game. Okay. I don't know how to make a roll for it, because I'm not going to do that. And you play some cards with him. A friendly game. He doesn't want to try and steal any money from you, so he says, yeah, a friendly game, because no money involved. And some guy's like, well, fuck you, man. Why did you play a friendly game with me? Because you are not my friend. But this guy has saved me life.
01:16:31
Speaker
I'm his lifesaver. You guys hang out there and you go down to DDI, presumably around the same time and watch his face gets around there and you're all there.
Reunion & Accents Discussion
01:16:43
Speaker
All of us? All of us. Reunion. Yes, that. Remix. You're not a remix. Yeah, you guys are all there. You meet up eventually and you're there.
01:17:02
Speaker
Sorry, I had a dirty thought in my brain and I had to get it out before. Perch all the dirty thoughts down unholy. That's the efficiency of German men. They're just like, boom, then they're done. You're... Anyway. All right. So Ainslie's there too. Is it Aimslie with an M? Like Michael or...? Aimslie. Aimslie, okay. I was going to say Aimslie this whole time. Aimslie again.
01:17:28
Speaker
All right, Aimsley's there. You're going to be like, hey, man, you got to change your name to Ainsley, because I told him your name is Ainsley. Yeah, I was saying Ainsley this whole time. Just blame your accent, because.
01:17:36
Speaker
All right. So you guys are playing, right? And actually, sorry, I imagine by now you're you're a little lewd and starting to wear off. Oh, yeah, for sure. There's no way I'm keeping that shit up like the whole day. It's why I want to get the fuck out of there.
Leverage with the Church
01:17:50
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. You get back there. You probably still look a little bit like a goatee or something sticking off your face and like some some some hair on your head. But it's going away. No, I'm just going to drop it completely. If I'm in a safe place where like I'm behind doors, like I'm just going to drive it. OK. All right. Sorry. You were starting to say to them something.
01:18:08
Speaker
So can we just say for just to expedite things that I've explained everything that I did. I'm going to give Ainsley pretty much the rest of the gold coins. I have 13 of them left. I'm just going to give them 13 as bad boys. I'm going to give them all of them.
01:18:27
Speaker
That way he can keep kind of using them as leverage to move things forward with the guy. So I'm going to tell him all that and that because I know if I do it in character, it's going to take me way longer to explain. So so I did the thing. I'm going to give him all those coins to keep using him over his head. I told him the things I said about the parents and that he got to go and keep working his good graces. And I'm going to tell him that I also.
01:18:51
Speaker
Have a way to track where all the money is going and I'm gonna try to get it very soon So he just has to keep up that front for a little while longer And oh also I give him like all the fancy shit that he gave me to wear Okay, like he's a sixth level whatever now He's like he's like alright cuz that sounds great and hopefully if you if you want to get all that stuff out I'll try and be inside man cuz I don't want to be hanging around in there
01:19:16
Speaker
with nothing to show for it, because as you know, I'm not really liking the church right now, the way they operate.
Communication with Sending Stones
01:19:21
Speaker
You got a little talking stone by chance. Yeah, I got a sitting stone. All right, cool. How do we contact each other on these? Can I just call you? Yeah, just say my name like everybody else. I programmed it under my whole name, Theodoric Aimsley, before I became a priest. So it's just called Theodoric Aimsley. Got it. Easy enough to remember for you, I'm sure.
01:19:46
Speaker
You're right, I'm great with names. Also, by the way, your accent sometimes put an H at the end of Altuz Ash because that's what I've been doing by accident. So, you know, just slip up on purpose once in a while. It has an H at the end of it, because... Well, son of a bitch, you told me not to say what an H. I think you might have misunderstood or something. Somebody might have missed communication. No, I think that purple... What color is he wearing? Purple? Red? Red. I think that red road wearing bastard doesn't even know the name of his own god.
01:20:14
Speaker
Oh, hey, you cop very well because they've bastardized the church for known monetary gain.
Shelter Plans & Slumber Party
01:20:20
Speaker
Also, hey, by the way, I'm going to call you turtle man. Cause somebody said these are silver turtle man running out of church. I think that was you little man. Yeah. Somebody said he saw a little, they saw a little silver turtle man running out while somebody was singing some show tunes or something. I won't never run away from that.
01:20:37
Speaker
Hey, look, maybe it was some other goblin in some pumpkin suit. Listen, I will never leave my friend alone. All the guys at the church back there that I know very well now, we're all talking about how there was a little turtle man running around. He ran away from the thing. He bumped into Steve, and Steve said, looks like there was a goblin head stuck in there.
01:20:58
Speaker
Like a local legend now. Yeah, the legend of the goblin turtle. There's your episode title right there. Father Angelus, he steps up a little closer to you guys again. He's like, oh, hey guys, part of the way, as I said, I'm not from here, so I don't have any place to stay. I don't want to keep spending money at the end. Any of you guys got a place I could crash? I could sleep in a church where the other workers sleep, but I don't want to be there as much as I have to be.
01:21:27
Speaker
You know, can I crash it when you guys places? I don't really have a place yet, unfortunately. You guys do either. So if you don't have a home, you can be there. There are bunk rooms in the dungeon, I think, and you can probably invite them in there. Yeah, you can go stay with you. You know what? I'm going to introduce you to my best buddy, Dr. Dankenstein. You've probably got a spot for you to chill. Wonderful. Know a doctor. Yeah, you can go see you can go meet my parents while you're there. Oh, they live there.
01:21:57
Speaker
Well, I don't exactly live there. Alright, keep your secrets then. Don't worry. I'll, as a Tash or whatever his name is, we'll reveal all secrets in good time, my friend. All in good time. Alright, well hey, you know what that means, don't you cuss? Nope. Slumber party montage! Yeah, I'm gonna cast a spell to put myself in a big furry onesie. Oh my god.
01:22:27
Speaker
I just want to be cuss one on me too cuz I want a bunny bunny bunny pajamas You got I'm gonna give you the best butt flap that gets all the breathing room Oh nice cuz I take a lot of poops in the middle of the night cuz it's good It's gonna be like an angel's blowing a kiss on your ass
01:22:43
Speaker
Oh, that sounds nice. It is, because it is. Okay. And that's the end of today's adventure. Thanks for listening. Once again, we'll appreciate your time here and don't forget to look at our
01:23:02
Speaker
funinstallersnetwork.com, I believe.
Promotion & Conclusion
01:23:04
Speaker
Aren't there, Adam? You said there's playlists for actual different series, is there? Or have you not done that yet? We haven't put the new playlists up yet on there, but there are playlists. Just look for them. Look for Phony Express. There's one that's being made for DDI. You can look for ones for Savage City. They're out there. We're all over the place when we put them out. We kind of jump back and forth on the actual apps and shit, and they don't really keep them in track or let us keep them in track. We got them all on track there.
01:23:30
Speaker
So if you say, I like cowboys, but I don't want to look through all the cowboys on Spotify, they're all over there. That's great. And there's fun stars, Kofi. It's going to be down at the bottom. You can figure it out. That's where you can help us with supports and things to make things better. But hey, in the very least, thanks for listening. That's more than we could ask for at any rate. Right, guys? Right. Right. But Altuzash also wants that money.
01:23:56
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Send us your snake coins. Oh no, am I going to start speaking out against the podcast? I'm on shit.
01:24:43
Speaker
Oh, does it look good already?