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Episode 8 - Social Contracts
36 Plays10 months ago
What do sidewalks, tipping, and chronic illness have in common? You're about to find out! Pour yourself a glass of wine and join us for this week's episode of chattin shit
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Transcript
Introduction and Theme
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello, shallow friends, and welcome back to another episode of your favorite podcast and mine, The Shallow End. On today's episode, we're going to take a journey together down what some describe as a very topical topic, ranging from sidewalks to bars to even a case of the sniffles. So that said, sit back, relax, maybe pour yourself another glass of wine, and enjoy episode eight of The Shallow End, Social Contracts.
Listener Shoutouts and Social Contracts
00:00:47
Speaker
Let's start. Let's start. It's been a while since I saw you. How are you doing? Oh, saw me? I thought you meant did this. I mean, well, I also did this. How am I doing? Yeah, how are you doing? So good. Yeah. It's not believable. Thank you. Yeah, we'll get into it. We'll get into it. Our topic is very topical.
00:01:08
Speaker
The topic is topical. That's very good. So happy day, shallow friends. This is episode eight. Guys, we made it. Well, we haven't made it yet. I do think we've, I think we're up to 17 people listening. Actually, I just checked our listens from last episode and it was 23. Oh wow. We just flew through that glass ceiling.
00:01:37
Speaker
Well, in any case, we're not doing it for them. We're doing it for us. For us, that's so true. Although we have some very special friends out there that have been giving us so much love. You know how last episode I promised people that if they followed our Instagram, I would give them a shout out? Yes, do it. Okay. Well, a couple of them I know because you're one of them. You actually finally followed our Instagram. So I finally get a shout out? Yeah, shout out to dad.
00:02:06
Speaker
Thank you for following our Instagram. I didn't know what Instagram was until you finally told me to follow. That's yikes, my dude. You're in digital marketing. You should know what Instagram is. I have people who know what Instagram is. 51 years old. I don't need to know Instagram. Okay. So dad, you get a shout out. This is where I'm going to put my pen right here.
00:02:34
Speaker
Nick gets a shout out. He finally has our Instagram. Your tattoo artist, Nick? Nope, not my tattoo artist, Nick. Which Nick? My best friend, Nicholas Ireland. Just kidding, he's not my best friend. He's Chase's best friend. Oh, oh, okay. This is a different Nick. But we're very similar, almost the same person. We've talked about this. Yes. Also, Miles, one of Maggie's friends, followed our Instagram. Thank you, Miles. I met Miles.
00:03:04
Speaker
This week, actually, because Maggie and I just showed up at his house. Because he lives in Lansing. Oh, cool, yeah. Yeah, we just showed up. He has a dove. He does. Those are just pigeons, guys. It was a dove. It was fully gray, and she was really upset. Fully white. Sorry.
00:03:23
Speaker
Grayish white, I don't know. Okay, so I've got to already just call this out. This thing that's going on over here is... Oh, we have a live audience today. The Maggie is right here. We have a live audience. We have a live audience. Maggie's here and Producer Chase is also here.
00:03:37
Speaker
So say hi guys. Hi. Okay, cool. And the last shout out actually is to somebody that I don't know. Oh, this is a full stranger. Her name is Dr. Kathleen. That's, that's Kathleen. That's what I was talking about tonight.
00:03:55
Speaker
Hi Kathleen, you get a double shout out. She did want a double shout out. She made it very clear tonight she wanted a double shout out. You get a double shout out for both telling my dad he wanted one and following the Instagram. Thank you so much Kathleen. And also telling me just straight up your daughter is really smart and she also said you have the most beautiful smile. Thanks Kathleen. You're smart too, you have a beautiful smile too.
00:04:23
Speaker
Okay, that's not you don't need to do all this she said that Basically, you're the smart one I just have a really good sense of humor the smart one in the hot one in the funny one in the interesting one in your I'm just the old dumb foil. Yeah, you're my foil. So here we are. So here we are. Oh
00:04:48
Speaker
We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already. We have broken into the wine already.
00:05:14
Speaker
And we get to thank producer Chase for this lovely Barolo, which is, as Polly would say, she's just opening up. She is just opening up, but the more she opens up, the more I love her. But it is delicious. She's really beautiful. You could tell it was going to be lovely right off the bat when we opened it. And now that it's got a little bit of time on it, it's starting to taste delicioso.
00:05:43
Speaker
I'm liking it more with every sip, which is good because I really didn't like it at first. I can't see that. Jeez. All right. That's really good. All right. What? What did he say? He said, it's like me. I really didn't like it at first. All right, all right. The more it's opening up. Keep that for private time. OK.
00:06:13
Speaker
No one gets the joke, let's not talk about it.
00:06:18
Speaker
So thank you to everybody who has followed the Instagram, sent us notes. Oh yeah. Like it's kind of cool. It's fun because we don't have a ton of people listening, but that's because the people listening are quality. Yes. You know, there you go. I really believe that. Thank you. Yeah. But if you ever wanted to go ahead and share,
00:06:46
Speaker
Oh my gosh, this podcast with other people who are just as smart and funny and hot and I don't know. I'd like I can't do that part. I can't. We would appreciate any
00:07:03
Speaker
Yeah. Share it with them. Be like, this is my new favorite podcast. Rebecca and Scott, my many favorite people, but especially Rebecca. At this point, remember when we did the remote podcast in Chicago when we were scouting that location? For our tour. Like at this point.
00:07:18
Speaker
Well, we can't the front row would be full. We can't have that anymore. We did stretch it up for a second. I know I forgot to tell you, but I know. Well, we'll have to move it to New York. Oh, no. All right. Any of any new people who are listening, the front row is full. Second row fully available. Quite open. Yeah. So just sign up. Join in.
00:07:43
Speaker
The shallow end has plenty of room. It's a waiting pool right now. The doors are open, but one day they will close. So get in while the getting's good. Wow. You've got to threaten people. So that they want it more. OK. It works.
00:08:01
Speaker
So yeah, and thanks to Chase for making the these episodes actually happen and the episode before happened. Yeah and Hopefully making this one. We would be lost for that truly So now I have to we have to do an apology before we get into it We have to do an apology because one of our super shallow friends are Fan Club in North Carolina. Yeah
00:08:32
Speaker
When we did the book club, we got a request to share the list of all the books that we were talking about. And we didn't really do that. Bad son, bad granddaughter. I know.
00:08:50
Speaker
Sorry. But I feel like we could probably just put that out on the Instagram. Oh, I'll put it on the Instagram. And just share all the books. Shallow in book club number one list of books, mentions. Yeah. That means I have to re-listen. Which I can't wait to do. I feel like you might have some opportunities in the near future to do that. But let's not jump to the end. Yeah, that's a little teaser, which you know we love to do.
00:09:21
Speaker
Okay, so also I just want to go ahead and work through a little bit of show notes ahead of time. It seems to me that the last few episodes we've gotten kind of into a little rut.
00:09:38
Speaker
And it's been like, I have the speaking stick and then you have the speaking stick. I agree. Tell me what you think and I'll tell you what I think. We're too wrapped up. First of all, I think it's harder to do this when we're remote, which has been true. And also last time the audio sucked for me. Yeah, you can hear me. It was bad.
00:09:57
Speaker
But I also think we're getting too wrapped up in this idea of we're doing this for the podcast
Personal Experiences with Social Contracts
00:10:01
Speaker
rather than. Just talking. We're also recording our conversation. Right, right, right. So instead of, I'm going to have a list, like last one. Yeah, we have lists. The books and the conspiracy theories and all. It's like, we don't need lists. Let's just talk about it. And maybe we have some notes that we're going to talk about. That's why I didn't prepare today. Oh, is that why you didn't prepare today? Yeah. I knew you were going to say this because I'm the smarter one. Oh my god. Thanks, Kathleen.
00:10:28
Speaker
I'm gonna use that one now. How am I being ganged up on by two women, one of whom isn't even present? It's just Kathleen and I know what's up. Okay. We're like this. Okay, you can stop shouting her out now. Sorry. Sheesh. Okay. Well. No, no, you don't get to look at my notes. Just because I didn't prepare. Yeah. Okay, keep going then.
00:10:54
Speaker
I think there's a fundamental, just to lean into Kathleen's perspective, a fundamental thing about recording this podcast. We all need to understand when we do this at the end of it, I don't remember anything I said. Anything I said, yeah, same. So we'll see what happens, but in the,
00:11:25
Speaker
Maggie, you said after the, what are you doing? I'm checking out while we've been recording. Conspiracy theory thing, that there was a line that was so memorable to you and I was like, did I say that? That was crazy. I did a full Steve Urkel on it. Ew.
00:11:48
Speaker
She and her friends used this line that you said in the conspiracy theory episodes. Do you remember what it was? It was something about double backflips with a twist landing on a flatter. Which is amazing. Did a backflip through a hoop and landed on a flatter. Through a hoop. Yeah, that's it. Through a hoop. Yeah. And that's off the cuff. Yeah, well, so anyway.
00:12:09
Speaker
So we gotta get back to that. And that's where like the last thing I just want to just wing it instead. Yeah, let's wing it. I mean, I came here ready to wing it. You were intending to wing. She was winging it to be wonk. I wanted to see the rest of my notes. Maybe you're ruining it. Sorry, I take that back.
00:12:31
Speaker
I'm so sorry, I love you. We have the same blood. We have the same blood. Maggie blood typed herself today to find out what blood type she has and it's the same as mine. We have the same blood. And Chase has the same blood too. We all have the same blood. Strange things. Strange things are afoot. Let's dive in to the shallow end of our topic.
00:12:59
Speaker
What's our topic? What is our topic? So the original thing that you wanted to talk about is a specific form of a social contract. And I think that we need to ease into social contracts so that we can wind up where you're talking about. And where my brain is currently.
00:13:26
Speaker
So social contracts, just the idea of this is how we all get along. Yeah, so when we were talking about this topic and how expansive we wanted it to be for us, you mentioned a handshake. Somebody walks up to you and holds out their hand. It's like a mini contract that you know what they're doing and they expect you to shake their hand. Yeah, that's easy. That's a mini one.
00:13:55
Speaker
Another one. A tougher one for me is when they do this. And I'm like, oh, now I miss. Well, here's something very interesting. My tattoo artist, other Nick, every time I walk into his shop, he goes to gap me up. What is that? Good question, right? What is that? I'm leaning away already. He walks with me like this.
00:14:21
Speaker
uh-huh uh-huh with his hand in the air like it could be going in for a hug it could be going in for a high-five it could be going in for like a half hug bro hug i never know one time he grabbed my arm and tried to sweep my legs
00:14:38
Speaker
He's learning jiu-jitsu. Bro, we ain't rolling right now. Yeah, so that's one of those moments. And also my hips. I walk into that shop, like, sweating every time. Like, what's he getting into this time? Sounds like you should walk into that shop with a taser. I'm scared because I know that he expects something from me that I don't know how to fulfill.
00:15:00
Speaker
Yeah, he's written the contract. Okay. Well, I'm like that contract exists in his head Are you sure that he isn't just a psycho a chaos agent? Oh, yes. Okay, so he there's no social contract there. Okay, it's just he's Fucking around and good for him Yeah, but
00:15:23
Speaker
that expectation and that anxiety that you feel when you walk in and you're like, I don't know what we're about to do to you right now. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, hi. Yeah. He's going to come in and crack it again. Yeah. Do it.
00:15:47
Speaker
He's going to get his beer. I think he had a Pepsi. No, he had a Pepsi. I think he's going to. The social contract of grip it and rip it. Yeah. Colby come grip it and rip it for the pod. Do it. This is recording. Ready?
00:16:12
Speaker
So satisfying. By the way, one of the podcasts that we talked about in episode zero probably, that he recommended, Apocryphal's, referenced, I finally caught up with an episode where they referenced my brother, my brother and me. Oh my gosh. It's like an Ouroboros podcast. It was wild. Yeah. It was a
00:16:38
Speaker
biblical reference and they turned it into like my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother and me. And it was Joseph and all of his brothers and all of his amazing brothers. Yes. Wow. And also.
00:16:54
Speaker
Apparently his fancy coat was really just a robe with long, uh, long shorts. Wow, what a lip balm. Yeah, yeah. It's all about the translation, kids. Was the musical, they just made up the Amazing Technicolor? No, no, it's just about, uh, wild translations of, oh, of the Bible that, um, over the years have gotten more weird and, um, maybe leaned into needing
00:17:25
Speaker
things to be special. Yeah. I see. All right. Well, we're not talking about religion. No, we're not talking about that right now. If you want to listen to that. I don't want to talk about birds. Move on. So I think that the idea of social contracts we've touched on a couple of times in various discussions, episodes, I think growing up was a discussion of social contracts.
00:17:53
Speaker
Oh, okay. Well, that's an interesting one. Innocence. Because is it the contract between parent and child? Yeah. Okay. That the parent will provide, but the child is expected to one day not need to be provided for. Get the fuck out. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. I would say though, that one's interesting because the child isn't agreeing.
00:18:15
Speaker
Only because the parent makes it too easy. The parent creates a person and then is like, and now by your creation, you've entered a contract with me. And it's like, well, I didn't have any say in this. You planned to have me. That's true. That's true. And I was just born into it. There's definitely not two people agreeing. Hey guys, we're recording. Cool.
00:18:43
Speaker
I wish that was on camera. Yeah, no, but I think that's true. It's like unspoken, but mostly I would say social contracts are unspoken agreements. Yes. Yeah. But people get upset with each other when they think that the other person's end of the contract is not being, not being upheld.
00:19:07
Speaker
Right, so I want to talk about one particular example of that that got me all fired up last weekend. When did sidewalks become an area where there's not an understanding of how the world works?
Sidewalk Etiquette Rant
00:19:34
Speaker
It's the wild west out there.
00:19:36
Speaker
So we were, I'm not gonna call out any particular place or Marquette, Michigan. But we're walking down the street. And it's a wide sidewalk.
00:20:01
Speaker
The social contract that everybody does understand, especially if you're an adult, not if you're a two-year-old, I get it, but you stay on the right side and you walk down the street. And if you're in a group, if you approach another group, you kind of adjust so that you give kind of roughly the same amount of space on the sidewalk. Colby and I were walking
00:20:30
Speaker
to a restaurant and he saw this couple approaching us and he very astutely just tucked right behind me and I'm on the probably the right quarter of the sidewalk. And it's just a couple. And it's just two people. Wow. Two old miserable people. Oh, they're old. That's different. It is.
00:20:59
Speaker
And the guy is in this, he's, I wanted to just knock him down and take his jacket. Oh, he found a cool jacket? He had a cool jacket. Was it technical? No, it was a blue, like quilted, big, like
00:21:18
Speaker
big shoulder pad kind of jacket, but he was like 75 years old. I'm like, I don't know who you are or what you're doing. I think you might be a time traveler back to last episode. Maybe he's a time traveler, but he did not want to move. And he was all the way, all the way into my space and me.
00:21:40
Speaker
Bonked him. Good for you. Good for you. He didn't turn. I turned around. I was like, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Because I wanted to talk about the social contract of the mother effing sidewalk. Turn around. Sorry. I can yell at you. This is not okay that you just ran into me. Okay. To piggyback off of that. Helping Rebecca.
00:22:07
Speaker
That used to happen to me all the time because not to pull the gender card, but as a woman, if you don't get the fuck out of the way, people will run into you. And what I started doing was not getting out of the way and seeing who would run into me because I can, I got some shoulders to ram into people's guts. And I ran into a lot of men. Good.
00:22:34
Speaker
But now I have the look down so that people know to move or I will run into them. So it doesn't happen anymore. But that's a good social contract that I didn't even think of. Sidewalks.
00:22:46
Speaker
But it's a very simple one. Yeah. Why are we so bad at walking? I feel we should have gotten down at this point. I'm driving down the road and most of the time people don't come over into my lane and just smash my car. Yeah. Why is it on a sidewalk? You can just go. If you're a middle schooler, I get it. No, that's worse. If it's a middle schooler, I'm even more. I understand why it's happening. I don't approve of it.
00:23:14
Speaker
Okay, fair. I understand what's happening, and that's where I'll go. I'll lean into it. Oh, to teach you a lesson. But 75-ish. Old people. Yeah. I think they might have been coming from the same restaurant we were going to, and they might have been a little... Gotcha. Even better than if you could knock them over. I wish I could have knocked them over. I wish you could have knocked them over. Could have gotten his jacket.
00:23:37
Speaker
Yeah, I've never seen a jacket like could have been even like the jacket Wow All right. Anyway that I'm sorry to have vented like that. Okay. It's really seemed like you needed to get it off the chest like I did I mean, I feel like venting about stuff like that is part of our social contract that we went to each other Yeah, we can just talk about stuff
00:24:03
Speaker
I think that's called conversation. No, I know. But it's always like, you know, like people have these conversations, like, oh, you're just sitting and drinking. And then you just everybody is like, let's talk about something that we'll both agree is awful. Those people are awful. Also, it's like the the, you know, those friends that you know, if you start complaining about something.
00:24:26
Speaker
Okay. Let me explain to you what it's like to have friends. Okay. That you start a conversation where you know, like, all right, we're all just going to complain and nobody's going to try to solve anybody else's issues. We're all just going to say, yeah, that sucks. That's ass. You're right. That's bad. Hmm. I'm sorry that happened to you. That sounds like AA. Actually that's, yeah, it is kind of like AA except there's a lot of alcohol.
00:24:56
Speaker
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry if we're triggering anybody who's dealing with addiction Sorry, that's really hard. It's really sorry awful way of describing it. I hope you're okay. Oh, can I?
00:25:10
Speaker
And I've been to a little bit more about that same. Go ahead. Keep talking about side walls and this old thing. No, not that side. So we got to the restaurant we were going to that I think that these people came from. And we walked in. It's Marquette, Michigan, which is a small town if you're not familiar with Marquette, Michigan. It's so cute. It's a beautiful town. It's a wonderful place. Please go visit. But don't, because they don't want you to visit. I don't know. It's very confusing. Don't visit, but admire it from afar.
00:25:39
Speaker
It was graduation weekend, and so it was busy. So this nice restaurant we went to was busy, and we were just trying to go sit at the bar and have dinner. It was Elizabeth. We don't have an Elizabeth sponsorship, so let's not call out Elizabeth. But we just did three times. And I walked up to the host stand, and I said,
00:26:09
Speaker
Doesn't look like there are any bar spots available. We're just a walk-in. We just, two of us, we'd like to have dinner. Do you have any sense of when any spots are going to open up? Or if any of them are going to be available without a reservation too, because sometimes they reserve them.
00:26:31
Speaker
The gentleman said, well, we don't have any available right now, but there are a couple of ladies here who appear to be finishing up. And if you want to hang out in the vicinity, then maybe a little bit of pupa. So we stepped back and we tried not to, you know, they have every right to have their experience as well. And I understand that.
00:27:02
Speaker
They sat there over their coffee and one dessert for 45 minutes in a packed restaurant on a Friday night. And I think that the number of shits they gave was zero shits. Yeah. Okay. Can I ask a question? How old were they?
00:27:32
Speaker
Oh, they were, sorry, they were about my age. Yeah, that makes sense to me. And it was to the point where, and I'm going to try to visually show this too, but you know how when you're sitting at the bar and people are like this? Yeah.
00:27:52
Speaker
at the bar and you're basically taking up three spots for two people in the middle of the peak time. And these folks in Marquette, Michigan haven't made money for six months because it's been winter and it's the busiest weekend that they've seen so far. And you're just eating, you're taking a bite of cake every 10 minutes and sipping your coffee every 10 minutes.
00:28:21
Speaker
And so we waited 45 minutes to sit at the bar, to sit at the bar. And we only got a seat at the bar, not because the two bitches left, but because a couple at the end of the other end of the bar came up and said, are you guys looking for seats at the bar? And they're like, Oh, we're just wrapping up. Come on over here. And
00:28:50
Speaker
registered the social contract of, this isn't right. Yeah, they registered that there was a contract that other people weren't following.
00:29:03
Speaker
And they honestly, aren't saying broke their end of the contract in a good way because I would never walk up to somebody and be like, no, I'm, you know, I'm about to be done. You can sit in. Like, it's just like, well, they were, they were wrapping up and they re they registered it. And I think, I think it was very kind. Wow. And I want to be clear the question, but hold really. Yeah. Okay. You want to fricking bat. I'm just saying it's, it's.
00:29:36
Speaker
I think that younger people, people closer to my age, are more aware of social contracts now, like are more, you know, for good or for bad, more ready to notice and act on them.
00:29:56
Speaker
than people in your generation, maybe? Wow, okay. I think that people in my generation would say that that's 100% untrue. Maybe it's just like saying the youth and dang the old people of every generation. I mean, I was just trying to get it off my chest and shot at clouds, but I also think it's important to point out in that dynamic,
00:30:23
Speaker
at no point did the restaurant do anything wrong, right? Their job is to make sure everybody has a great time. And those two ladies,
00:30:34
Speaker
once they stake their claim, even if they start to grow freaking roots into the ground, you want them to have a good time, and you can't go up to them to go. It's time to go, ladies. Okay, hang on, because I have an example of a time when a restaurant did break that end of the country. Oh, yeah? Because you know, you go to a restaurant, this happened to be in Chase.
00:31:00
Speaker
very early on in our relationship. We went to a pretty nice restaurant in Detroit. They didn't ask us to leave, but we went to a pretty nice restaurant in Detroit, and we went up to the host stand, and Chase was like, do you have a spot for two people? Oh, we have a cat. We have a three-legged cat. Hi, I know he's here in your podcast. Oh, my goodness. Wow, big boy. Say hi. Oh, God. You look how cute I am.
00:31:26
Speaker
Okay, so we went, we went up to the host stand and Chase was like, do you have a spot for two? It was like right after they opened. So we were hoping we would be able to get into that. And the host goes, um, yeah, we have some spots, but we need you out in an hour. And we were like, okay, that's weird out in an hour.
00:31:50
Speaker
We're like, okay. And he walked us to our table again, very early on in our dating history. We kind of were still getting to know each other. So we were both like uncomfortable, but didn't say it to each other. And he seats us in
00:32:04
Speaker
Now we are speed dating. He seats us at, honestly, he seats us at a table and then he puts other things down and he goes, I just wanted to remind you that we do need you to be gone in an hour. And we were like, you got it, dude. Like, oh my God. You could have just said, no, I'm so sorry. We're all booked up and we would have left and gone somewhere else. I've never had anybody speak to me that way in a restaurant. It was really weird. Yeah. So that's another example. So you guys probably,
00:32:33
Speaker
We're just like, okay, we'll be done in an hour. And then you were done in an hour. And I would have been like, hmm, sounds like you need to be better at your job. Sit there for 45 minutes drinking a cup of coffee and eating. Okay, so.
00:32:54
Speaker
So these are some smaller contracts. Yeah, but I feel like I have to then pivot. Go ahead Patrick, you're fine. Colby came in here and opened up a theater. Yeah, we're fine. I feel like we have to wrap that all up with the discussion that like any kind of social contract these days, especially around hospitality, we wind up, we have to talk about tipping culture.
Controversial Tipping Culture Discussion
00:33:25
Speaker
Oh, we do. We do. Immediate rage within my body, by the way, when you said that. Joe, I am so conflicted about this now. I'm also pretty conflicted. Because I know that we are hated around the world for the fact that we tend to provide a living for a bunch of people. To make up for a bad hourly wage. But I love to do it.
00:33:54
Speaker
I love the idea that I am allocating a specific amount of money to the person that I just interacted with. To the exact person, not the company as a whole. Yeah, that's a really good point. I don't want higher prices. I want to tip. And I also enjoy being
00:34:17
Speaker
you know, like Sprinkle Joy around the world. I'll go into restaurants that you frequent a lot and people will look at my ID and be like,
00:34:27
Speaker
are you Scott's daughter? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, I love Scott. Like everybody in restaurants in Grand Rapids knows you and loves you. Oh, well, that's, I mean, that's lovely, but that's not why I do that. I like to, oh, you're right. Back to the last thing. I don't really have friends. I just buy my friends by tipping heavily.
00:34:53
Speaker
Yeah. Well, okay. But at some point. Hang on, because let me, I went to get my oil changed about a month ago. Did they ask for a tip? Sure did. They handed me the iPad with the 20%, 15% things. And I was like, look, you guys were really nice, but I don't need to tip you for doing the definition of your job. All you do here is oil changes.
00:35:20
Speaker
It's a bowel, instant oil change. All Starbucks does is make coffee. Why do we tip them? Because they get paid $2 an hour. Actually, they don't. They get paid really well. Why am I tipping at Starbucks? Why are we tipping at Starbucks? Cool. Wait. You got to take a note. Yeah, take a note. Don't tip at Starbucks anymore. Because if you don't tip at Starbucks, they spit in your drink. That's really the answer. They're really mean there. I'm scared of them. Oh, gosh. Right.
00:35:49
Speaker
But when does, so definitely at the, thank you, Patrick. Write that down, write that down. All right. No Starbucks tips. There we go. So you think the oil change tip request is. That's too far, too far. Yeah, it's that you've broken the social contract. That's insane.
00:36:17
Speaker
Well, also you had the experience of changing your oil and going, holy shit, this is expensive. It takes a long time to get it from Saudi Arabia.
00:36:31
Speaker
They kept asking me, they were like, looks like you're due for this and this and this. You want us to take care of that for each other? And I was like, no. Good. Just the thing I couldn't move on. They were like, you're white with fluids, Salah. You want us to take that? I was like, no, I can do that, believe it or not, myself. I know where the thingy is. I can do it. The thingy. It's the thingy. You open the big thingy, and then you open the smaller thingy, and then you put the thingy in the other thingy. And the blue stuff goes in. And the blue stuff goes in. And then when you press that other button later on, water comes out.
00:37:01
Speaker
Sometimes. If the motor works. Yeah. Yeah, I do think tipping culture, though, has gotten a little bad. I think my favorite version of tipping culture going absolutely off the rails is story. I haven't had this, but it's a great story. A guy who is at an airport
00:37:25
Speaker
kiosk, self-service kiosk. No. Where he got his little snacks and walked up and was just going to swipe, you know, scan and swipe. And it said, would you like to sit? Who am I getting, the robot?
00:37:40
Speaker
And he got so mad. That's fair. Who are we tipping? There was no human involved except for me. Yep. Yep. And it gets back to the memes about the self-checkout stuff. Coming up. People deciding that they're going to strike. I saw a video that was a guy in an army uniform walking by. And the guy was like, thank you for your service. And he was like, oh, no problem.
00:38:09
Speaker
It's just gonna ask you a question. On a scale of 10% to 60%, how satisfied are you with my service? The problem is, it's funny because it's not that far off. I know, yeah. The comedy comes from being too close. It's like, that's really real. Speaking of.
00:38:37
Speaker
Too real? Oh. Are you gonna expect a tip for this? She's just gonna ask you a quick question. Zero percent. No! I just added it. All right, I think we should transition into our more serious talk here. Okay. I know. I don't even understand why this is on your mind. Like, what do you... All right, what do you want to talk about, Rebecca?
Sick Contract Dynamics
00:39:05
Speaker
The reason that originally this topic was in our list, it wasn't social. It wasn't social contracts. It was the sick contract, which I think it was Maggie that told us about that, which is like a sick person and a healthy person in their life enter into a contract when the sick person becomes sick, which is that the sick person doesn't have to do as much labor.
00:39:32
Speaker
because the healthy person will pick up their slack, but the healthy person expects that the sick one will eventually get better and start picking up that slack again. And the problem happens when the sick person never gets better and the healthy person gets frustrated because they thought that the unspoken promise was that they would. Which- And then the healthy person
00:40:02
Speaker
becomes a more and more terrible person over the course of time because This isn't what I signed up for right and here's okay the reason I really wanted to talk about this was because I feel like I've played both roles as The healthy person for a sick person who will never get better and also the sick person probably will never really get better and
00:40:31
Speaker
It's interesting because I don't, I have a lot of sympathy for the healthy person. It's like, you go into it with a lot of good intentions, but after a while you do get burnt out. It's like, I can't keep taking care of myself and you when you don't show any signs of trying to take care of yourself. It can't be only on me, you know? But then also as the sick person, I feel like a lot of the time
00:41:00
Speaker
I will disclose the fact that I'm a sick person and other people will be like, jumping to help. And I'm like, well, I don't need you to do anything. I just wanted you to know the context, but they keep shoving the help down until they get burnt out by that. And then they blame me for it. And it's like, well, I never asked for this. I was fine. Now you're like, it's like, it's full of me. Yeah. There's so many layers to this that,
00:41:30
Speaker
can wind up stressing the normal human interactions and normal relationships. And like, yeah, there's, I think that surface level that you said of saying like you enter into this contract where, hey, someone needs something. And so you say, oh yeah, I'm going to help. And you have the expectation that
00:41:56
Speaker
I'm not signing up forever. Endless help. Yeah, which that's fair. Yeah. I don't think, but at the same time, sometimes people like you who have chronic conditions don't want to sign up for that because that's not what you like. It's not just not what you want. It's.
00:42:27
Speaker
you don't want to set up that contract with other people. Because the thing is, I will share that part of my life with people when I'm like,
00:42:39
Speaker
like an awesome person. I'd really like to get to know you better. I'd like you to be an important person in my life. So I want to share with you this really important part of my life that I deal with every day that gives you more context into who I am as a person. But if you immediately step into, oh, I have to take care of you. It's like, that's not the relationship I want with you. I want us to be friends, equals. I don't need you to be like, oh, I have to take care of her. It's like, no.
00:43:03
Speaker
I just need, that's just information that I'm sharing, not a job I'm getting. I'm letting you inside the bubble to understand more about me. I'm going to propose this and see what you have to say about it, but I feel like somebody who does have chronic, a chronic issue
00:43:27
Speaker
They don't, they want to have the opportunity to not be defined by that thing all the time. And so they don't want every relationship to then to be taken over by this thing that you're dealing with all the time anyway. Yes, the worst thing is when it's like, there's not an hour that goes by where I'm not reminded that this is something that is happening to me.
00:43:55
Speaker
So when I can also see that other people are thinking about it all the time and reminding me of it all the time, it's like, I know that. We don't have to talk about it. You're just bringing me down. I hang out with you to not think about that. Exactly, exactly. And I think that that's one of the things with all good intentions, people
00:44:22
Speaker
try to over manage that social contract. And then. And then both parties end up. Yeah. It's not great. Yeah. It's not a good, Oh my gosh. The cat's back. Oh my gosh. The cat's about to. He's going to knock everything on. He only has three legs. Oh, you got a brush. Yeah, but that specifically has been on my mind because it's Friday.
00:44:51
Speaker
In three days, I finally get a surgery that I've been working towards for a long time. Finally got approved for it and it's finally happening and fingers crossed that it will first be the solution to the problem it intends to treat. Who can say whether it will?
00:45:14
Speaker
And second, maybe, yeah, it better. But that's what they said about the other surgery I had, you know? So I feel like this has a better chance of it. I would say. But also second, like maybe reduce general inflammation and pain in the entire body, you know? And maybe I won't have to be always the sick one, which I love. I would love that.
00:45:43
Speaker
Well, so yeah, no, I get that. I don't think that you come across as always the sick one. I try not to. I think most people in your life consider you a pretty strong kind of badass woman. So it's fun though, because there aren't like, it's really fun when you find those people that are able to like, don't give him my cookies. Oh.
00:46:23
Speaker
But it's fun when I meet people who understand just immediately the balance that needs to be found between like acknowledgement that things will be harder for me, but also
00:46:39
Speaker
acting like it's normal. Okay, there was this new group of friends. They noticed that I was in a lot of pain and all they did was like, one of them was like, are you in pain? I was like, yeah, always. And the other one was like, do you want to get my pen? I was like, yeah, I do. Thank you. And that was it. And we moved on.
00:47:03
Speaker
And that's one of the biggest issues right now, is you can't hit that pain, girl. You can't hit any of it. I can't have the regular pain medication that I take. It's been a rough week, I'll be honest. I cried earlier with chicken in my mouth. It was a low moment. I feel like modern medicine should be able to solve for this. Well, you'd think, but apparently ibuprofen will
00:47:32
Speaker
make me bleed out, I guess. They have no way to handle that. They can't figure it out, I don't know. I think it's more that, number one, they don't trust you, to be honest, with whatever you're doing to your body. So they just say, nothing for a week. And number two, they're all deathly afraid of being sued. Yeah, that's true, that's why I took so long. My Yelp reviews are gonna go down for my surgeries. Oh my gosh.
00:48:03
Speaker
Are there Yelp reviews for surgeons? I just made that up. I should look that up. I mean, it's not even- No, I bet there's like ratemysurgeon.com. Definitely not Yelp reviews of surgeons. I think there's gotta be a rate my surgeon. Right? Rate my surgeon probably exists, but- Maggie says- There are Yelp reviews for surgeons. There are Yelp reviews for surgeons. Oh my goodness. Cool. I'm gonna look up my surgeon. It's, I should probably know now. I mean, it's in two days.
00:48:34
Speaker
You're not going to change it now. No, but I'll go into it knowing I might die. There's also another platform specifically for medical ratings, health grades, health grades. Nope. Yeah. No. The answer is.
00:48:56
Speaker
You're only gonna see negative reviews on those tests. Yeah, well, or you'll only see positive reviews because the ones that will be negative reviews are dead. I'll be fine. You're your statistic or another statistic. Or dead, yeah. Yikes. Oh my gosh, he's gonna fall off the table. He's so cute.
00:49:26
Speaker
So what do you think the ideal form of the sick contract is? Well, I think it's tough because with stuff, I think the sick contract as it is for things that are impermanent. Yeah, that's a good word. Thank you.
00:49:51
Speaker
I mean, I watched you go all the way down that big, long staircase. This happened last time with, what was I trying to say? Bring it back up. Last episode, I struggled with it for like, investigative. Investigative. Investigative. That was it, yeah. Investigative. Investigative. But I kept trying to say investigative.
00:50:17
Speaker
For situations where it's like, okay. Impermanent was a good one, though. Thank you. I have a cold. Can you please come bring me soup? It's like, that's fine. One person's sick, the other person's healthy. I'm not signing up for a lifetime of... Whatever. For situations like mine, where my pain is unending. And constant. It's like, no matter what you do, you're not gonna fix what's happening, you know?
00:50:47
Speaker
as much as you might think trying to fix it is being supportive, it just comes across as, I don't like this version of you, so I'm gonna keep trying to fix that until I get to the healthy version of you and then I'll like you. And when you're the sick one and you're like, well, there is no healthy version of me. This is how I am. It just is like a rejection over and over and over again. That's how it feels. But I think the healthy medium is,
00:51:19
Speaker
when something like my chronic pain condition is shared, not reading it as the contract that you're signing. I don't want you to agree to anything. I'm not telling you this to manipulate you into doing something. Or I'm not doing this with any expectation that you do something back. It's like telling you about my childhood. You can't do anything to go back and fix maybe what happened.
00:51:49
Speaker
But if you want to know the whole me, this is the whole me. But I'm adding a puzzle piece to my puzzle of me, you know? Because I want you to know me. That's why it's a little difficult. Because both sides are acting out of, I think, care for the other person. Sure, right. It just gets lost in translation. I think it's interesting. It's a... He would. This is a guy who's lived through the sick contract. He's disabled. He's disabled. Ready?
00:52:19
Speaker
He only has one leg. Oh my goodness. Look at that little stump. He's so cute. Oh, he just let it happen. He's so cute. He covers himself. No, he didn't like it. Oh, baby. He's too big to be carried like that. He's really quite huge. He's a good boy though. There's your baby foot.
00:52:42
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's interesting the idea that you know the sick I mean you're you're basically saying that you're rejecting the idea of a sick contract At least for chronic situation. Yeah situations. I think that's for me specifically and I I like that because I think that there are so many people who would go through life with chronic conditions and
00:53:06
Speaker
And it could be a chronic condition, it could be a progressive condition. Yeah, like cancer. And the idea that they don't get to have
00:53:18
Speaker
Authentic human relationships other than within this weird contract if I'm taking care of you. Yes is It minimizes their humanity. Yes in such a way and it's infantilizing Yes, and so I I love the idea of like saying, you know, this is this is who I am and like I hope I don't have this all the time for the rest of my life, but this is who I am right now and
00:53:48
Speaker
Let's make sure that the relationship we establish doesn't center around. Like the things that I, like, okay, here's a good example. I really love and appreciate when people do little things for me, like little acts of service.
Appreciating Acts of Service
00:54:03
Speaker
But the most important distinction is that it's being done because they know I would appreciate it, not because they think I couldn't do it. Oh, right. Yeah, for sure. It's like, I know you could do this on your own and you'd be fine on your own.
00:54:17
Speaker
but I know that you would like it and I love you, so I'm gonna do it for you. It's not like that. Wait, this is supposed to be a leg right here. This is supposed to be a leg right here. This is supposed to be a leg. There's nothing at all. It's just thumping bones. They just went in there and went. He's fine. He's chilling. What a good baby and he's got a big belly too. He's so happy to get attention. Fred, what do you think?
00:54:42
Speaker
Nothing. He has no opinion of anything other than yes or no. He doesn't even know he had the leg there. He forgot that it was there. He tries to itch his ear with it sometimes. It's really pathetic. It just twitches a little bit. Oh, my brother. It doesn't work anymore. It does not work. You got nothing there. Well,
00:55:07
Speaker
All right, have we solved? I think we've solved everything. Have we solved our problem about social contracts? I think so. Hello. Hi. Oh, we've got another brother. And my computer's about to die too. Okay, well we gotta wrap up. We gotta wrap up here. Okay, but we also have to figure out what we're doing next episode. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. We don't even know when we're recording this. Well, yeah, there might be a little bit of a gap. There might be a little bit of a gap. There might be a guest.
00:55:36
Speaker
It might be a guest. Another guest? I think we have two guests lined up at this point. I think we, you know what we should do? If you want to know our next topic, follow the Instagram. It will be announced there. You're such a tease. It will be announced there and our book list will be posted. This is the social contract of social media. Follow us, please. Again, I'm the one that's running it, so it probably won't be very active, but I do check it a lot. So if you want to send me a little message there.
00:56:06
Speaker
I will read it and I'll respond. So we will reveal our topic. In due time. And guest on social media. On the Instagram.
Conclusion and Future Content
00:56:21
Speaker
So follow us there. When it is determined. Yeah. Oh, again, it's the shallow end crew on Instagram. The shallow end crew. Yeah.
00:56:33
Speaker
Thanks for following, Kathleen. Thanks for following, Kathleen. Love you, Kathleen. Also Miles, also Nick, also dad. Yay! Yay! All right. Thanks for joining us. We love you all. We love you guys. Smooches, kisses, loves. Oh boy. Love you guys. Bye!