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Episode 19 – Religion in Modern America & Student Bloopers
31 Plays5 months ago
Another long episode this week, but we hope you stick with us cuz it’s worth it. Discussions include: the shifting sands of religion in America, the Renaissance, and how Cain wasn’t actually a bad dude. Enjoy!
Articles:
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/23/us/young-men-religion-gen-z.html
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Transcript
Podcast Schedule Change
00:00:12
Speaker
hello rebecca hello father and good evening to our shallow friends and welcome to a long awaited episode of the shallow end i don't think it's long awaited i think it is i think we we claimed we were going to do this every week after our new schedule right we have to announce we have to announce a schedule change yeah we're going to do every two weeks ish I think we can stick to two weeks. We stuck to every week for a little bit, but it was just too much. It was kind of a lot, yeah. Rebecca's life is very busy now. My life is chaotic, and when I get home, I'm like, I'd like to be done. But Saturday
Wine and Relaxed Vibes
00:00:54
Speaker
night, we're in person again, which is always fun and exciting, and we have some wine.
00:01:03
Speaker
We are enjoying a beautiful glass bottle of Maramero Dama. Yep. 2022. Again, courtesy of our dear friend, Polly on wine. Polly on wine. It's a beautiful crisp white. Yeah, Italian white. Just like me. Oh. Check your racism. I am an Italian white. Also, it looks to be Oh, mine has bubbles. Is it bubbles? It's bubbly. It might have been crystals. No. No, it's bubbles. Okay. All right.
Spontaneous Article Discussion
00:01:41
Speaker
I threw a little curve ball at you this week. You did. It freaked me out. And by that, it didn't freak you out. You said you were okay with it. I am okay with it. I was being dramatic.
00:01:51
Speaker
um So Rebecca shared an article with me this week and I am fully prepared to discuss it. But toddler that I am, I did not share an article with Rebecca and I am just going to make her experience it in real time. I'm becoming more and more afraid as the time creeps closer for this event. I believe that you will enjoy it.
00:02:19
Speaker
I believe, too. And also, when you said, you don't have to read it ahead of time, I was like, great. Awesome. Check that off my to-do list.
Religious Shifts in Youth
00:02:27
Speaker
Let's do this. All right. But because mine is going to be a little bit more chaotic, we're going to start with mine again. Kick it off with yours. And characteristically, mine is pretty serious. Fairly short. Fairly short, yes. But serious and controversial?
00:02:47
Speaker
I think it has the potential to be controversial. I don't think our conversation will be controversial because we're able to talk about these kinds of things without making it weird. But yeah I think by default it is. So my agree my article is a New York Times article. I don't remember what it's called.
00:03:06
Speaker
The title, from what I see, the title is like, and it's kind of just the first sentence. At this moment in Christian history, American men and women are on divergent paths. Okay. Sure. Yeah. So my article is about how Young men, apparently, are now being reported as more religious than women, which is the first time in modern history that that has been true. And the article goes into like some detail about it, but not, um,
00:03:45
Speaker
This article feels different from the others that we've read because it feels like there isn't really an author,
Critique of Gender Roles in Church
00:03:51
Speaker
you know? Like there isn't really a personality behind the recording. Sure, right. Whereas with the other articles we've read, it feels like we're in conversation with a person. Right. There's been some personality involved. There have been some strong personalities. so Well, I think that if we go deeper into this article, I think you're going to find that there is some personality. Yes. There's definitely personality.
00:04:12
Speaker
um i mean I would love to hear your first impression. She just kicks it off by referring to a church in Waco, Texas. so yeah like We're going to talk about the the history and and the the path of Christianity in America, and we're going to choose Waco, Texas. I was also shocked about that. like It seemed like she chose a location that would be the most divided. like If you were to pluck a church community yeah out of the
00:04:43
Speaker
the U.S., that one would be the most? Yeah, you're choosing a Southern Baptist Church on a campus in Waco, where I know anytime people say Waco, Texas, I think of crazy Christians and the FBI blowing holes in the yeah compound wall. i also
Interview with Kitrin Farrier
00:05:03
Speaker
So, you know, we're starting off on a kind of a zinger note, but um And then I got to just say this, like she's talking about this church. This is a paragraph two. And she says, she's talking about Grace Church in Waco, Texas. Men greeted visitors at the door, manned the information table, ha hu and out bullet. See, that I mean, you know she wrote that and was like, that's pretty clever. She did that pretty flat a little chuckle to herself, yeah and I respect that. Yeah, no, I'm good with it. Put a pun in there. yeah Do it, girl.
00:05:43
Speaker
Yeah, so what are your first impressions when you I think it's I Let me just put it this way everything as I read this article all of the cultural elements that she brings up to just sort of explain why men are more You know, there are more men in the pews than women. Yeah They all made sense to me. Yes um And notably at no point did she say There are more men In total she just said that
00:06:24
Speaker
The women have fled. Yes. The young women have fled. The proportion is up. Yeah. So I thought it was interesting because I agree with you that the reasons she posits, I'm like, yeah, they're all tracks. But then she quotes some of these people that she's interviewing and the shit that they're saying, like I had to put this down and be like, I can't be so angry at this person right now.
Gen Z Religious and Social Concerns
00:06:49
Speaker
They like, I can't. exert energy, caring about what this person thinks. I mean, what is the 22-year-old in Waco looking for? Oh my gosh. Trad life. There's this, hang on. Actually, this one I'm going to read in its entirety. It's not long. But hang on. I was in a mood when I was annotating this, and it's kind of like the comments here are kind of bitchy. So let me like also filter out some of this stuff.
00:07:20
Speaker
um Oh, okay. So this is when they interview, prepare yourself for this name. Kitrin? Oh yeah. Farrier? Yeah. Kitrin Farrier. Yeah, you got it. Who's a senior at Baylor University in Waco. So he is, um, Oh, okay. But he, okay, we'll get back to that. He says,
00:07:48
Speaker
Following Jesus is difficult, Mr. Farrier said, quote, it's about denying yourself and denying the lust of the flesh, he said. He appreciates a church like Hope where leaders are frank about the intensity of the self-sacrifice he sees as a requirement for the Christian faith. Then he says again, quote, young men are attracted to harder truths. and Would you like to know what I annotated this week? Oh, please. and I'll tell you what mine is. Girl, what?
00:08:18
Speaker
Yeah, so I did highlight that last line, young men are attracted to harder truths. First of all, I once was a young man. Fake news, kids. We don't want the harder truth. What the fuck are you talking about? But also, so I just said, are they? Right? That was... Are young women not? Okay. Okay. Okay. I wrote, are they? Not in this one, but earlier.
00:08:44
Speaker
um where they're talking about okay this is an earlier paragraph where it starts with young men have different concerns and that's after talking about okay i'll read the whole paragraph it says young women are still spiritual and seeking according to surveys of religious life but they came from an age came of age as the hashtag me too movement opened a national conversation about sexual harassment and gender-based abuse, which inspired widespread exposures of abuse in church settings under the hashtag church too. And the overturning of Roe v. Wade in 2022 compelled many of them to begin paying closer attention to reproductive rights. Next paragraph, young men have different concerns.
00:09:22
Speaker
And I said, do
Historical Influence on Gender Roles
00:09:24
Speaker
they? Are they not also concerned about this stuff? You would think, especially the young Christian man. Hello? Yeah. I mean, yeah if you believe what you claim to believe, then you should probably be concerned about the treatment of women, right? My goodness. Yeah. But I mean, but in that one, OK, I got to back you up real quick. I'm going to bounce around. I know we're going to bounce around, but yeah um as I have to both represent and absolutely crush my my trade not really current trade, but the the my Educational background as a political scientist There is a there's a little bit of a discussion of ah of a survey that was kind of just tracking how Gen Z is compared to others and and
00:10:19
Speaker
It basically says that there are more women, describe more Gen Z women, describing themselves as unaffiliated religiously than than men, and that's kind of like the whole hook of the the article.
Cultural Elements in Religious Affiliation
00:10:33
Speaker
for This is for the first time ever.
00:10:35
Speaker
and And in every other age group, the men the male cohort was more likely to be unaffiliated. So that's great. But then it says, this tracks with research that has shown that women have been consistently more religious than men, a finding so reliable that some scholars have characterized it as something like a universal human truth.
00:10:58
Speaker
I just have to say, if you as a social scientist believe that there's a universal human truth, you have missed the entire plot. The only reason we study human behavior like this and survey it is to realize when changes are happening. You want to, I mean, you want to see universal human truths, uh, about gender.
00:11:24
Speaker
from the 1960s, I wonder if those would play out the right for the same way today. There's so much that affects these, quote, universal human traits, that like the second you start digging,
00:11:37
Speaker
it's like it's like you can't ever prove something true in science like you can prove something false but how are you able to say this is true a hundred percent of the time have you tested every well right and also in something like squishy like social science especially then yeah it's like uh if you put out that that you think this is a universal human truth you are now skewing all the research and you're also begging people to prove you wrong well that's fine do it yeah but okay anyway right underneath that though is this tiny little one sentence the men and women of gen z are also on divergent trajectories in almost every facet of their lives including education sexuality and spirituality
00:12:22
Speaker
Which I think makes it a bigger conversation.
Gen Z Men's Traditionalism
00:12:25
Speaker
I agree. Than just religion. But that's not, I mean. Right. But I mean, and there's there's a further point about how men are now on balance, less educated than female peers. And yeah she even puts in major cities, men earn less. and they're you know which is interesting. So I, I read that and I followed that link to go read that article. Cause I was like, really interesting.
00:12:52
Speaker
and It's because they like harder truths, Rebecca. It's because they like harder truths. And they're ready to suffer and feel the, quote, wrath of God. Oh, my God. When he said that, you want to know what I annotated that with? He goes, sometimes this is the same person.
00:13:07
Speaker
here um What is his name? Kitrin? That's dumb. Kitrin Farrier. He says, sometimes he wants to hear messages with a little wrath of God in them. And I annotated this with seek
00:13:23
Speaker
Go to therapy. Or just go read your Bible. What are you talking about? Just go read your Bible. You want to hear that? I don't know why you would. gosh but you know
00:13:34
Speaker
There's also but a freak yeah there's also you know the whole, the underlying current here is the men of Gen Z are ticking more rightwing traditionalists right than the women. And hey boys, good luck. yeah you better keep You better catch up with your girls. oh gosh there Okay, here's one that I annotated that that I wanted to ask you about. Yeah, because this is about our bestie Catrin again. Yeah, he's 21. He reports that he attends two services on most Sundays. I had an immediate first impression at first thought when I read that. Captain try hard. My immediate thought actually, I don't want to tell you
Why Young Women Leave the Church?
00:14:18
Speaker
mine, I would like to hear yours first because we have differing opinions. I think um on religion.
00:14:24
Speaker
Yeah, I mean my first instinct there was that he's virtue signaling. Okay, because my immediate my immediate thought was, I don't think you're going for the right reason, my dude. If you're going twice in one day, reliably, it's like you're going to socialize. Well, yeah, I'm i'm not sure I'm going to wind up in the end, being a huge fan of Mr. Kitron. Kitron is crazy. um I did the whole thing with that name. Like, I tried to look at it backwards. Yeah. Like, see if it made any sense. it's Like, is there a reason he's named them? Nor tick. Well, OK. So my thought here, immediate thought, was after I read this article was I
00:15:20
Speaker
And she talks about this in the article, she says it's not that women are less like actually less religious, it's that that like they don't attend organized yeah religious they still like services. right but They still consider themselves spiritual. spiritual yeah And like they even interview a girl at the end that's like,
00:15:38
Speaker
I think she's
Southern Baptist Church on Gender Roles
00:15:40
Speaker
going to be be a pastor, right? She felt a call to and she said being a pastor. She said, um like, maybe it's a different girl, but she says, i like, I still believe in God and Jesus and all that stuff, but I can't in good faith call myself like a Christian.
00:15:59
Speaker
There's something like that. I don't remember. Yeah, well, I mean, you you think about how she was responding to different questions, and then you can contrast it with with some of these, ah with the guys that she interviews. ah will you I share this one.
00:16:17
Speaker
This is, uh, well, she didn't really tell us there's, there's two, she's talking to two different, two brothers, two of a set of triplets, the parks boys. And, um, he just came right out and and said, Hey, I want to be the sole provider. If that's what she wants. what she And it's like, you have no problem with your wife working outside the home. Like, like he's bestowing that outside the home is like a, like,
00:16:46
Speaker
There's no problem with it. It's like, well, that's enough. But that, yeah, and then I could get really, she goes into, she goes into the you Southern Baptist convention and, you know, obviously we, we come from a faith background of Catholicism where there is quite a bit of, uh, I wouldn't say it's necessarily similar. I think in terms of the way that things are preached. I agree with that. I think.
Church Politics and Women's Roles
00:17:19
Speaker
But the rules are still the rules. The rules are the same, but it feels like at least with Catholicism and my experience growing up and being like, this doesn't seem to be a place that I fit in. Um, when I would ask questions, the answers were usually like, there were always answers, but they felt more of like a this is a decree passed down from long ago, whereas with like the more modern and more, I would say, aggressively bigoted churches, such as like the Baptist churches, are more ready to say, like no, women don't belong in leadership roles. Whereas like the Catholic church is like, Jesus was our first priest and so we're just and and so we're just like following along in that tradition Which is passed down from right from history, you know like it's less and the church has a Great Catholic Church has a rich history of women serving in important roles and doing important things plenty of yes So but you still can't say it's equal
00:18:32
Speaker
No, I don't know. But I'm a guy, so I don't need to worry about it being equal. Yeah, so you're fine. I want to point this one out, because you're talking me exactly about that. like that there's There's this much more did distinctly recent decision to make this be the king. And pervasive belief. I feel like in Catholicism, more people are are are ready and willing to be like, well,
00:18:57
Speaker
I mean, it's the history. It's just like, oh, I guess, you know, like they're not gonna be. So this is this is from back back to this article. She's talking about the Southern Baptist Convention and others. She says arguments in other Christian institutions about women's roles have been raging for decades. Some churches have cracked down in recent years on practices like women speaking from the pulpit.
00:19:20
Speaker
And I just highlighted cracked down. And practices. Yeah. but Like these are weird terms. These are weird decisions for the phrasing. You think churches are like that makes them sound militant. Right. Yeah. Cracked down makes it sound like it's like an attack on crime. Like.
00:19:38
Speaker
yeah We're going to bring control back to our city. I did like the little this statement of power that she does right after that. like Young women, it seems, are moving past the debates and
Women's Historic Role in Church
00:19:49
Speaker
out the church doors. Dude, it's so funny. I I just enjoy that the we're at the point now where observation research I guess ah research is being done about women just being like actually fuck this like if you don't want us here all right yeah bye we're out of here yeah like we're done trying to fight we were mostly doing this for you guys oh my gosh wait there's a point right at the beginning um
00:20:24
Speaker
I was really in a mood when I was annotating this. Oh my goodness. OK. There's this um right at the beginning where he goes. He goes. She goes. OK, maybe not. Where is it? Oh, here it is.
00:20:44
Speaker
on She's interviewing. Oh, the editor of a, I don't know, Christianity Today, what is this? It's a magazine. A magazine where he says, I'm not sure what church life looks like with the decreasing decreasing presence of women. yeah highlight He said, pointing out that they historically have been crucial forces in missionary work and volunteering.
00:21:07
Speaker
We need
Critique of Patriarchal Church Systems
00:21:08
Speaker
both spiritual mothers and spiritual fathers. Interesting that you say that while the Southern Baptist Convention is saying women can't even be speaking from the pulpit. Exactly. Interesting that you say that because that tells me a lot about what you perceive the role of a mother to be. Because oh right that sounds like you want mothers to be the silent and almost unseen workforce behind the curtain. Submit graciously to your mother. The performance that the men are putting on where they all are like being the important and charged people.
00:21:37
Speaker
but the women are important to do the work behind the scenes. It's like infuriating that that's what they're mourning the loss of. Right, right. Well, I mean, as we're getting closer to the end of this article, I just, there there was this one, I'm wondering if you you noticed this, and there was one reference to a book
00:22:05
Speaker
written by a woman who is a historian at Baylor. And the book is called The Making of Biblical Womanhood, How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth. And I highlighted that like, ooh, that could probably be a really interesting read. Like maybe a little book club. Yeah, yeah.
00:22:30
Speaker
So yeah, I do think, by the way, we we just, right towards the end, we get introduced to another epic Waco name. Greer rut. I read that. I was like, I don't know the gender of this person. Well, then you find out woman this is a woman whose parents hate her right because they named her Greer rut.
00:22:56
Speaker
And do you know what to rut means? I do know what to rut means. The animalistic sense. Perhaps to rut in the rear is a Greer rut. We're ending this episode right here. No. Thank you for listening.
00:23:10
Speaker
But um wild this line that Miss Rutt says reminded me of mom. Oh, really? Where she says, I thought it was my mind wanting to rebel for the longest time. But now I think it wasn't rebellion. It was God saying, this is truth. This is how I made women. I think that's like the mic drop line from this entire article. I you agree. Like you guys better, like I said before, you you better catch up with the girls because they have their shit together.
00:23:38
Speaker
he' like fathoms ahead of you. Yeah. yeah Oh, thanks. Thanks. Well, it also way back towards the beginning of the article, one of the pastors at this church in Waco so says that they've been talking about why are there more men than women in the congregation now? And he he said, what's the Lord doing? Why is he sending us all these young men? And I highlighted that and wrote,
00:24:10
Speaker
well maybe it ain't him doing that okay maybe you're just putting out a product that's attractive to maybe the messaging that you are broadcasting okay because this is something i highlighted would you like to see what i annotated it with Just, what? In all caps. This is the quote. For some men he counsels, some dude who leads a ministry at a university. For some young men he counsels, Christianity is perceived as one institution that isn't initially and formally skeptical of them as a class. yeah Especially in the campus setting. Hey guys. Hey, young white men. Hey guys. You aren't the persecuted ones here.
00:24:59
Speaker
Just watch how quick they try to flip the screen. Oh my gosh. Just because people are suddenly looking at like groups of people that aren't just you doesn't mean, oh my gosh. They act like they're like, we have no safe spaces anymore. So we have to form them in this traditionally pretty sexist and horrible like organization. Because it's the one place we're safe and welcome. And we feel safe here. It's like, what? What are you talking about?
00:25:29
Speaker
Also, I mean, that quote finishes with him saying, we're telling them you are meant to live a meaningful life. And that, like, if you're telling me that that message is what's attracting young men, that message should be attracting everybody, right? Sure. Have a meaningful life. Have a meaningful life. So something else is going on here. Let me show you a pathway. And I would just want to go back to my, you know, statistics can be hard, but if you had 100 people in the pews, and 60 of them were women, and 40 of them were men. And now you have 50 people in the pews, and 35 of them are men, and 15 are women. You're on a sinking ship. Maybe let's not count chairs and on the deck of the Titanic here. and you know And also, let's not suddenly start coding everything to be pro-male.
00:26:28
Speaker
like what do that's such a good point sometimes i feel like we get so in the weeds with like trying to be aware of the objects of something that we're like um you said something to mom i think months ago that i've been repeating to people often i know get ready you said you're creating problems by finding solutions And I was like, that's bars. I'm using that. But sometimes I feel like that's what we're doing. Yeah, my line is my line is ah that's that's a solution in search of a problem. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it feels like it it like we're so hyper s skeptical that we're making
00:27:16
Speaker
Problems where maybe there aren't any? I don't know. like Well, i think that there I think that this article proves that there are problems in a lot of churches. I would say this is a problem, I mean, for sure. But I'm talking in a broader sense. Yeah. like No, I think you're right. like these like When we're trying to be so inclusive that we're drawing walls between groups of people,
00:27:40
Speaker
you know Totally artificial walls. Totally artificial walls. Like, you're not being inclusive. You're driving people apart by pointing out the differences rather than emphasizing the similarities. Yeah, especially when you're talking about a church community where it's supposed to be like, we're going to break down those walls. Exactly. We have so much more in common than we have different. Like, why are we? I have a frustration with that. Well, I'm glad that you were able to vent Thank you. and And release the hounds there. That was i mean that was a lot. and was That was tough. Was it hard for you, Dad?
00:28:18
Speaker
No, it wasn't. i As is typical, I don't know that we we certainly don't have full agreement on religion as an overall topic, but we kind of had the same reaction, vibe on that that article. I assumed we would. That felt like something that you would also read and be like, what the hell? Yep, pretty much.
00:28:41
Speaker
Okay. I am excited. All right. Yeah. So and we're going to move into phase two here and yeah. All right. Strap in everybody. This one's going to be a doozy. will you repeat i You can, Rebecca, we're going to play a game. Oh God. Okay. I know what a huge history buff you are, right? Actually, you know, a bunch of history. This morning I started a four hour podcast episode about the king of Persia. Ooh.
00:29:11
Speaker
It's been interesting so far. Okay, good. Well hang in there. Four hours. Thank you. It's actually a part one. Oh gosh. Who is the king of Persia?
00:29:23
Speaker
some She I'm only 45 minutes in. Okay, all right. So this is me riffing on an article, kind of more like a blog post that I found. And it is called the history of the world according to student bloopers. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. So what we're going to do here is I'm going to read a paragraph to you. OK. And then you are going to call out and try and call out all the errors in there. And I'm going to score you. OK. I'm going to do it horribly. I'm not sure. I think I'll do that. I'm not sure.
00:30:03
Speaker
um And over the course of all of these paragraphs, you will just add up and we'll see whether you get a passing grade. Oh, wonderful. And we might, I might have some thoughts. I'm going to get pretty intense about this. yes Okay. All right. So we're going to start in ancient Egypt. You ready? Yeah.
00:30:21
Speaker
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah desert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. So certain areas of the desert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Pramids are a range of mountains? Yes.
00:30:50
Speaker
so Can you remember how many errors there were in there? Call them out. I don't know if I can remember the number. Okay, wait. So the inhabitants of Egypt are are mumbies mummies. Mummies. Mummies. That's not true. They are Egyptians. I heard dessert at one point. Yep. Desert. What did they call the desert? The Sarah desert. The Sarah desert. What's it really?
00:31:16
Speaker
yeah It rang false to you though, didn't it? I knew it was wrong. That would be the Sahara. Sahara desert. So yeah, we're gonna give you credit for that one. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. How did they travel, Rebecca? They traveled by Camelot. Yeah. um I would say Camelot is what they meant to say.
00:31:31
Speaker
Or they traveled by camel a lot. A lot, yeah. But also, the climate of the desert is such that nobody can actually live in there. Right? So they had to live somewhere else. But they lived there. But they have to live somewhere else also. How did they cultivate the desert? Oh, irritation. The desert. the desser Yeah, OK. Irrigation, I assume. OK, what's next?
00:31:56
Speaker
The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. It's a triangular cube. I assume they mean pyramid? Yep. It's its own shape, isn't it? It's its own volume. That's why we call it that. OK. And it's I think they mean the Pyrenees? Correct. OK. All right. you ri You just nailed it. 8 out of 8 on the first paragraph. We're off to a rolling start. 100% 4.0. All you know Well, now we're going to test your Bible literacy. OK. Let's see.
00:32:26
Speaker
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinnesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. I feel like this is just AI. One of their children, Cain, once asked, am I my brother's son?
00:32:47
Speaker
God asked ab Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount mountes mount Montezuma.
00:32:54
Speaker
Jacob's son of Isaac stole his brother's birthmark. Wait. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. Oh, did they not? Okay. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
00:33:12
Speaker
No, he did not. All right, here we go. That's so gross, Joseph. OK, can you remind me where we began? Because that was a lot. Well, we began with the the Bible being full of interesting caricatures. Interesting caricatures, but characters. Oh, and also, it begins with Guinnesses. Guinnesses, yep. I do want to point out. Which I would love if it did. caricatures I mean, kind of. But it's not what you meant. But also, even if they had written it the way they meant to,
00:33:41
Speaker
The Bible is full of interesting characters. Is your opening line? That seems weird. OK. I believe the children are our future. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Wrong. Adam was created out of the beautiful brain of God, and he was created. Oh, that's Zeus. Oh, yeah, Athena and Zeus. And Eve was created out of a rib or maybe dust. Yeah. OK. Either God spit in the mud or. Yeah, either or, yeah.
00:34:09
Speaker
What comes after that one one of their children Kane once asked am I brought my brother's son my brother's keeper, correct? Oh my gosh, wait, I have them and my my brother's son. I have I have an interjection here. Yeah, because Can enable the first murder, right? Yeah but also Like the first death How did he know it was gonna kill him? Whoo, maybe he was just like you being really annoying.
00:34:35
Speaker
And then he was like, Hey, Abel, Oh hello. Oh my gosh. I didn't mean to do that. Yeah. But I think he can, he kind of convicted himself when God came to him and said, where's your brother? And he went, am I my brother's keeper? Yeah. But that's also kind of like, Oh my God, don't tell dad. Don't tell dad. You can be back here. You can be back. Don't tell them. Don't tell them. Don't tell that. Wow.
00:34:54
Speaker
You're gonna be in front of St. Peter just litigating the hell out of things. Literally litigating the hell out of things. You don't, you're being unfair because he didn't know what's gonna happen. Okay, what comes after that? God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. um I know that Mount Zuma's wrong but I don't know what the actual mountain's called. It doesn't matter, we're gonna give you credit for knowing that one's wrong. What is it called? Which mountain was it?
00:35:23
Speaker
was it Don't know. Was it just Mountain of the Lord or was it Sinai? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know either. Well. See? We both would fail that. All right. So then Jacob, son of Isaac stole his brother's birthmark. No, he stole his brother's birthright. Correct. Good job. By wearing a coat of like goat's hair because his brother's really hairy. Right. It's because I was named after the mother that tells him to do that. Also because you watched a lot of veggie tales. Also that.
00:35:51
Speaker
All right, um Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.
00:36:00
Speaker
Isn't that true? I mean, they did take to it. They did take to it. They were the heads of the 12 tribes of Israel. What do you mean they did not take to it? Literally patriarchs. It's like a nonsense line someone threw in. But they did not take to it.
00:36:12
Speaker
I think this sounds like AI, honestly. Well, a lot of it sounds like somebody just, yeah, word salad. Like skimmed something and was like, I'll just come to my own conclusions. And then Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites. Refuge. Refuge, right. Refuge. It's really funny. OK, so um you're perfect again. Yes. Eight out of eight. Dad, I'm everything good in the world in one person.
00:36:42
Speaker
All right, too soon. I disagree. All right. We're going to continue on with our Egypt-slash-Biblical stories. I feel like I'm rocking it. Okay, so here is our next paragraph. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
00:37:06
Speaker
Moses led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. No, no. Hang on. Hang on. That's what Jesus did. Bread made without any ingredients. This is a really funny sentence.
00:37:24
Speaker
love Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Sinai to get the Ten Commandments. Sinai. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the lyre.
00:37:36
Speaker
This is a tough one because it's actually spelled L ah l-I-A-R. yeah He fought with the Philatellists, a race of people who lived in biblical times. I didn't know they had stamps back then. Philatellists? Wait, did they say a race? A race of people who lived in biblical times. oh good Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
00:38:04
Speaker
I mean, he might have. We don't know. I don't think that's what you meant. We don't know. Okay. Remind me where we started once more. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Oh, without straw. I didn't know that he forced them to make bread without something. you No, he forced them to make bricks without straw.
00:38:21
Speaker
Oh, bricks without straw? I didn't know that. And it wasn't really that they had to make bricks without straw, it was, you have to go collect the straw instead of me giving you the straw. It was just like slave labor is what you forced them to do. Slave labor, but he was punishing them by not giving them the straw. Okay, I didn't know that.
00:38:38
Speaker
Moses led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread. I don't think that they made unleavened bread at the Red Sea. I think they did that afterward. They did it before. They did it before? I thought they crossed the Red Sea. They did it before because they were go they were fleeing. So they didn't have time to let the bread rise, right? And then it became the Passover. Okay, so, but it's also... Wait, say more about that. I didn't know that. They were told to I remember, I know that. Bring unleavened bread on the journey. Oh, and okay, because the Passover is water the of the houses because they put the blood on the doorway. and And then the next day, pack up, we're getting out of here. Oh, I didn't realize it was literally the next day. And that's why. Pretty sure that Pharaoh calls Moses in and says, get the hell out of here. Okay. And then changes his mind again. That's why it's tradition to eat. Like, what is it?
00:39:35
Speaker
Yeah, not so. Well, that's a pop. That's like. That's. Wait, what is it? What is the flat? What's it called? It has a name. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. But bad. gas Yeah. OK, interesting. I never did that. Cool. OK, let's keep going. All right. And not doing as well this. No, you were I'm you're giving you i'm giving. I'm giving you partial credit for that one. um uh definitely you caught the bread made without any ingredients it's really funny yeah okay um then we really skip around in the timeline hey afterwards moses went up on mount cyanide cyanide cyanide yeah okay you got that one you gave me a hint earlier yeah we brought it up but yeah
00:40:20
Speaker
David was the Hebrew King, skilled at playing. I think this one really works too because David was kind of a little con artist. He did play the lyre. It's true. And the instrument. and instrument so but L-Y-R-E. yeah um He fought with the Philatellists, I think is one of the greatest things I've ever heard. Philatellists? Those are stamp collectors.
00:40:40
Speaker
That's what a philatelist is. I Is it philistines? Yes, correct. and the the Just the image in my head of David. He's so pissed. The greatest king. i have i have like you know This is the guy that took down Goliath yeah and I have this picture of him just whipping envelopes at philatelist, like far side cartoon style.
00:41:07
Speaker
Out of his sling? Yeah. Catch this and put a stamp on it. Oh my gosh. Anyway, all right. So yeah. And then Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. What is that word? Concubines. Concubines, thank you. Yeah, but I mean. Are you going to say prostitute because I was on the P word?
00:41:32
Speaker
I mean Solomon may have had porcupines too, but that's not one of the things he's noted for. I don't know if they were native to the land. I'm going to give you six and a half out of seven there. I think that's fair. I didn't 4.0 that one. No, but you know, still a passing grace. Right now we're moving on to some more challenging history. Oh gosh. This is more Greek history. Uh oh. And we're going to start off strong. Okay. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.
00:42:03
Speaker
Oh, really? Yeah. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns, Corinthian, Doric, and ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river stinks until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in the Iliad by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, no so in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
00:42:33
Speaker
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name. Yo. Hang on. I think I'm having a stroke. Yeah. Well, someone did. brend And then they wrote that paragraph. I really think this is all AI. I believe it. OK. This was supposedly collected by teachers. What age group are we talking here? um Well, I should have led with that, huh? Yeah.
00:42:56
Speaker
um
00:42:59
Speaker
I thought it was high school and college. That's crazy. Although I kind of believe it because there's been a ah recent like a resurgence teachers on TikTok being like, I teach 11th grade. yeah These kids can't read. like yeah When I say can't read, you think I'm exaggerating, I mean that. Which is fun. Scary. Okay, can you right direct me to the beginning once more?
00:43:25
Speaker
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. Well, that's just bullshit. Okay, good. I'm just going to say that. Okay, cool. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns. Oh, yes. Corinthian, Doric, and Ionian. No, Ionic. Ionic. Not ironic, not Ionian. Ionic. Mom. Well, I'm going to give you a half point there. It's not not perfect. Sorry. Mom taught us those different types of columns when we were homeschooled. Of course. The Greeks also had myths. Which is a female moth.
00:43:53
Speaker
Right. Wrong. Yeah, no. One myth says Penelope was the last hardship. Well, no, wait, Achilles, mother of Achilles dipped him in the river stinks until he became intolerable. Dicks. Yep. Until he became almost invincible. Correct. Yeah, good job. Except for the heel.
00:44:18
Speaker
um
00:44:21
Speaker
Achilles appears in the Iliad by Homer and Homer also wrote the Odyssey, not the oddity, not the oddity. Although I think that that is a. I'm Neil Simon play the oddity. Oh, no, that's the odd couple. Oh, you should write a paragraph. I made it correct. Yeah, something like that. um Yeah, and in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. I don't think she was a hardship he had to endure. Yeah.
00:44:51
Speaker
Um, no. The hardships are the Sirens, the Cyclops, Cersei, and Poseidon, and his own hubris, but not Penelope. Wait, isn't Penelope his mother? I think, as a matter of fact, I'm not sure Penelope is even in that story. I thought she was in a different. Is she not? I don't know. But we know that this sentence was incorrect. We know that's wrong, for sure.
00:45:13
Speaker
um And finally, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name. That same name. Well, that's just intelligible. I think. I can't even tell what they're trying to say. I'm trying to give credit where this person doesn't deserve any. But um the sentence is a mess.
00:45:32
Speaker
but Homer is actually not written by Homer, but written by a man of the same name. Yeah, I think that what they're really trying to get at is most people don't think there was a Homer, an individual. is like ah look known the plume no it was more like ah something that evolved out of oral tradition and there was a group of people who were that that they're the ones that kept the tradition going and eventually at some point that group said we should write this down became the name and and there's like this
00:46:09
Speaker
I don't know. There was a bunch of stuff that I found where it was like the Greek for Homer actually is like a mnemonic for this group. That's kind of cool. Yeah, it was. It's kind of cool. I enjoyed that. Okay. And the fact that I had to vet this meant meant that I got to go discover that and go, Oh, that's cold. Wait, can I, can I interrupt you to tell you something I learned?
00:46:31
Speaker
So I found this playlist of podcasts on Spotify that they've labeled the history of the entire world and somebody collected different podcast episodes from different sources. Okay. Starting at like the Big Bang and then. Ooh. Right. So that's where I'm like. It's like a meta podcast. Yes. That's awesome. It's really cool.
00:46:56
Speaker
it's really cool i'm enjoying it anyway i listened to a um stuff you should know episode was on there about the great flood myth and why pretty much every ancient culture has one yeah like and but but we have no evidence of there actually being a global flood and well we don't and why Why is that such a pervasive myth across cultures when, to the best of our knowledge, there was no global flood? And the answer they came to was our modern interpretation of the word global is not the same as their interpretation of the word. When the entire world that you know of is flooded,
00:47:40
Speaker
Well, also like there's, it's interesting because there's like, there are really cool ways to look at some of these ancient stories and even like fairy tales and stuff like that and find like, what do you do to find the nugget of truth in there? Yes. It's, it's interesting because then they started talking about like, okay, so that's one interpretation, which is probably true. Also.
00:48:02
Speaker
A lot of these cultures existed at the end of the last glacial age. Yes. So there was a lot of flooding going on. Exactly. And like if your entire culture is flooded and destroyed, that feels a lot like the wrath of a God who's displeased with you. You bet. And that's another consistency across the myths yeah that it's the result of an angry God. Like it's always a punishment.
00:48:29
Speaker
which is Which is really just, we have we we have been assholes to each other forever, and but we do still have a conscience. Interestingly. the the they call it the Deluvian myths, appears in the Epic of gil Gilgamesh, yep which is acknowledged as the oldest written, like, story myth. Like, history, even, like, we we refer to it as that. Yeah, anyway. Just a separate piece of info. It's really cool. I wanna see that. I think you would enjoy it. It's probably it's hundreds of hours of content. Oh yeah, but over a hundred hours. I'm i'm not going, like, um
00:49:08
Speaker
Chronologically, because like there was one that was like, how does i don't know like natural selection work? I was like, I don't need to listen to a 45-minute episode on natural selection. You just need to you just go listen to MapX or whatever. Did you see all the energy? I know. You just deflated instantly. Like a balloon. Wow. I'm sorry. right let's All right. We have a quick Greek wildcard.
00:49:34
Speaker
Ooh, fun. ah Before we decide because, you know, nothing happens between Greece and the Middle Ages. Oh, God, no. So yeah we're just going to skip ahead. But first, Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. Of wedlock? You got it.
00:49:59
Speaker
Yes, it was Hemlock. It was not wedlock. I wouldn't call it an overdose. Wasn't it intentional? Yeah, I mean... I mean, I feel like overdose implies an accident. Yeah, that's true. No, he was forced to. He was forced to murder himself.
00:50:16
Speaker
So yeah, so the fifth century BC to the fifth century AD Absolutely nothing of import. Everybody just froze Yeah Because yeah anyway <unk> Nothing important occurred then came the Middle Ages And this one is tricky because I had to do a lot of research on this. Actual research? let's see Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Danes. King Arthur lived in the age of chivalry. King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
00:51:00
Speaker
Finally Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. Oh my goodness. Okay. Whoo Okay, so there were some names thrown out of the beginning uh-huh I don't think I'll be able to correct. Well, I just want to point out Before you try okay that that paragraph had a shocking amount of accurate information Okay, because can you start again with the Kings? Oh King Alfred conquered the Danes. I believe that that is in fact correct. Okay cool, but no one knows that King Arthur lived in the age of chivalry Chivalry kind of yeah, but also we don't we don't call it that
00:51:41
Speaker
we it used People used to think that King Arthur wasn't a real person. Now there's a little bit of evidence that maybe he's his legend is based on a real king from very early in the Middle Ages. But anyway, it doesn't really matter. We're just going to do the shivery error. Oh boy, shivery. King Harold mustered his troops, which is a really messy thing to do before a battle. Mustered them? Don't do that to them. He had a good hot dog to him too. Although if you put mustard all over them, pretty slippery.
00:52:12
Speaker
Pretty slippery, but if you do get sliced by a sword, that mustard's gonna be really, really awful. o And the fumes in your eyes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, ah yeah, nascent mustard gas, right? I don't know, King Harold. Yeah, I don't think King Harold. Nascent mustard gas.
00:52:28
Speaker
I don't think King Earl really had, I think he mustered his troops. He mustered them, yeah yes. Yes. This shocking fact of history was new to me. Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw. I have no idea who Bernard Shaw is. I'm pretty sure he's a guy that wrote plays. Girl. Or novels or something. I don't think like he's allowed to canonize people. In the 1800s or 1900s. You have to be canonized by the Pope, right?
00:52:56
Speaker
Yes. But, but there's isn't there a part before that where you're like, there's a lot of parts before that. Yeah. I mean, Joan of Arc has been beatified. Beatified. Yeah. So she is a saint in the Catholic church. Wait, canonized. Yeah. No, the canonized is the same. It's the same kind of it's so put in the canon of the, the, the, I don't know. Isn't she already in there?
00:53:22
Speaker
Yeah, I don't know. Who put her there? I don't remember which pope. We don't know. OK, go to Pope, not Bernard Shaw. No, it's not Bernard Shaw. OK. So yeah, we got that one.
00:53:37
Speaker
I mean, yeah, you could just listen to the name and know it's not right. Bernard Shaw? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure there wasn't a Bernard Shaw in the 5th century. Canonizing Joan of Arc. Well, Joan of Arc wasn't in the 5th century. But yeah, we're jumping around in the timeline quite a bit here. We sure are.
00:53:52
Speaker
um victims of the black death grew boobs on their necks i think they're trying to talk about the bubonic well that's the black death yeah but but like they didn't boil boils is that what they're doing it's not boobs it's not boobs but i don't think there's like a derivative of the word iconic that is like uh i don't know starts with boo i think it's just boils i think so too was it not and it wasn't just on their necks either it was everywhere it was everywhere it was ugly girl it was horrible okay and finally okay the magna carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense okay i mean just like logically that one doesn't work well of course but i actually don't know what the magna carta did
00:54:36
Speaker
It was the first document signed by a European king yeah that actually laid out rights that for the citizens have. people in not so are they talking about double jeopardy yeah yeah you could with yeah basically mag the carta it didn't lay that out It did lay out like a justice system. Including the idea of double jeopardy? I believe so, yeah. A limited version of it. like if you Very reasonable. If you prove yourself innocent, you're not a witch, then they can't they just can't say yes you are roll you out and be like, you're a witch again. Your nose grew.
00:55:17
Speaker
All right. So we got ah that was just a logic problem that you solved. That's good. We're going to give you five out of five there. And now we're going to get really highbrow. We're going to the Renaissance.
00:55:31
Speaker
I'm ready. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. That's against the church rules, by the way. You should not be feeling your human being. Do not feel your human being. It is the relation of self-sacrifice and the denial of the flesh. Great callback. Kinton would tell us that. What the heck is his name? I don't remember. Kinton. Yeah. I think you got it right. Kinton. Kinton? Kerton? Kerton? Now you're going to make me look? I don't think it's Kinton. Whatever. It doesn't matter.
00:56:02
Speaker
Uh, Mr. Farrier? Yeah, it was Farrier. Yeah. Kirtan? Kitchron. Kitchron. Kitchron. Kitchron. I knew it was wrong. All right. Okay. The Renaissance wasn't, okay, we've talked about, no, you can't feel your view. of your human being but I did not highlight that as an error. It's, that's editorial. Is that true? That you are not supposed to feel yourself as a human being? I don't know. Okay. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg. for so for selling papal indulgences. ah He died a horrible death being excommunicated by a bull. Whoa. By a bull? Yeah. The bull excommunicated him. Apparently. Okay. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
00:56:53
Speaker
I think someone's trying. The Ninja Turtle? Yes, think somebody's trying to be funny here, but it didn't work. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Whoa. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. In the Renaissance? Yeah. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
00:57:21
Speaker
That's impressive, actually. Good for him. Don't say ouch. Don't say ouch in a tiny mouse voice. Don't do that. Okay, I will. Okay. Ready? You ready for this one? There's more! No, no, no. That was it. how good You got a lot to unpack, though. Okay. That one was rough. Where did we start? The Renaissance. The Renaissance was an age when, you know, people were feeling themselves. Don't touch your being. Okay. What followed? Martin Luther was nailed to the church door. Martin Luther was not nailed to the church door. Correct. He was not. He nailed his opinions. Yeah, his complaints. Yeah. um And he certainly
00:57:55
Speaker
didn't do that because he was selling papal indulgences. Papal indulgences? Doesn't that mean like Pope? Yes. indulg Was Martin Luther the Pope? I don't think he was selling papal indulgences. No, he was bitching about selling papal indulgences. He was bitching on paper about papal indulgences. He was saying, hey guys, this isn't what we're supposed to be about. So he was, remind me, or correct, but not correct me, validate me, maybe if I'm right.
00:58:21
Speaker
Um, he's the one that was saying, you guys are telling people that they can pay you to get into heaven. That's right. Yeah. Um, and, uh, I mean, what's it? Yeah. What followed? He, he actually, he, he was right there and the church agreed with him. He died, but he died a horrible death being excommunicated by a bull, which right is not a way to kill somebody. So, and I don't think a bull can do that.
00:58:47
Speaker
No, but so this is a person who just doesn't understand language because the way that Martin Luther was excommunicated by the Pope was via a thing called a papal bull ah Declaration saying you have separated yourself from the church and all that everybody needs to know about it. So no, he wasn't murdered by a bull animal But he was excommunicated. He was excommunicated. bio But he didn't, I mean, he didn't really die a horrible death. He died of like slow illness. Like like he he, well, he lived at 62, but he he wasn't like, that's pretty old back then. But yeah, no, nobody killed him. Nobody killed him. All right. lord Okay. Um,
00:59:33
Speaker
It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. I just love what this sentence is trying to say. I don't even know if I could point out a specific error just because the whole sentence is... It's kind of nonsense. I think it's basically trying to say that Donatello, the artist... Liked some hot bots.
00:59:56
Speaker
Yeah, he was like the Elon Musk of his age. He fathered a hundred children. And so he was the father of the Renaissance. I don't even know. um I also.
01:00:12
Speaker
I would not be able to like look at a painting and be like, oh, yes, Donatello. Like I have no idea what right it looks like. It's a weird it's a weird artist to use as the father. Like how many other name a couple artists?
01:00:27
Speaker
that just any Renaissance artists don't do that to me. That's don't think Sistine Chapel. Oh my gosh.
01:00:38
Speaker
How about Michelangelo? How about Leonardo da Vinci? How about some folks that actually were notable instead of just the Ninja Turtles?
01:00:49
Speaker
Yeah, we're doing all of them. i like That's the thing. When you say Donatello in my first thought is the Ninja Turtles and I have never watched a single piece of media except for one time in the waiting room of my piercing place when the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was on the television and we sat there and watched the whole thing through because they were so backed up. Oh my gosh.
01:01:13
Speaker
All right. Well, let's just, because of your, because you interpreted this as a Ninja Turtles reference, we're going to not give you credit for it. I think that's fair. I also couldn't name another residence. Okay. Yeah. So yeah, I'm trying to be really liberal here. I appreciate that. Thank you. I can't fail this. How about this one? Gutenberg invented the Bible. Well, that's okay. What? What did he do? Gutenberg. Yeah. What did Gutenberg do?
01:01:42
Speaker
something mechanistic. Yes, correct. What did he do with the Bible? I actually am not sure. He printed it. Did he? Okay, cool. He printed it for the first time. But he didn't invent it. No, but yeah, so you're gonna get credit for that one. He didn't invent the Bible. but And I knew it was something mechanistic. I knew that. Everybody knows King James invented the Bible. That's why his name is on it. That's right.
01:02:05
Speaker
um Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. I actually had no idea who that move walter raleley is. Or who invented cigarettes. He was a Brit and he he was ah he was in a bunch of wars and he also mostly, we especially over here, we know about him because he was an explorer. He went flying all around the world. Did he invent cigarettes?
01:02:29
Speaker
I don't think so. Why would they say that? I think people have, well because I think that there's a reference to like Raleigh brand and Raleigh as like southern tobacco culture. Yeah see I'm trying to find, it's fun because they're so wrong that it's kind of like a game to try to find the connection to what they were trying to say, you know? Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
01:02:57
Speaker
Well, we didn't invent that one. Sorry guys. What did they mean by that? um I think the discovery of that system. The circulatory system? Right. Like the Renaissance was an era when we started to educate ourselves in a broader way about the human nature. This is actually a vague reference to Da Vinci, I think.
01:03:17
Speaker
oh yeah whoa whoa hey where he was drawing out these systems and recognizing what their physical purpose was interesting okay da Vinci was a boss yeah so anyway uh they didn't we clearly didn't really understand what they were saying they just well the circulation of blood was invented during the renaissance i Before that, nobody had boners. Yeah, I really can't. Yeah, there you go. Speaking of boners, the last one makes me so nervous. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the entire world with a 100 foot clipper. What the fuck does that mean? Did the whole damn world dirty. OK, see, that's what I mean when I say, I can't even tell you what they were trying to say.
01:04:05
Speaker
circumscribed, with a circumnavigated. Oh, circumnavigated. Probably. Sir Francis Drake is the first one to go all the way around the world. That's probably what it is. 100 foot flat earthers. Is it 100 foot like boat? A clipper. A clipper ship. OK. Yeah. Not scissors. But the picture of. our Sir Francis Drake giving the entire planet a big circumcision with massive scissors. You don't like to think about that? No, I don't. If you line them all up, we'll move on. All right. I'm giving you eight out of nine there. That's generous. I appreciate that. No, I think you were right there. You think it? OK.
01:04:52
Speaker
yeah
01:04:54
Speaker
um One more short section on the Renaissance. During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.
01:05:13
Speaker
later the pilgrims crossed the ocean and this was known as pilgrim's progress oh later okay later next day just later two weeks later we don't really know when maybe a couple maybe a hundred and something years later we can guesstimate um okay so is that the whole thing yep that's it where did we start christopher oh no in the renaissance america was created america began began no Turtle Island has always been here, y'all. I promise. Christopher Columbus discovered it when he was circumventing? No, cursing about the Atlantic. Cursing about the Atlantic. Cruising, I assume. Yeah, I think... I think it's fun to refer to Christopher Columbus as having been cruising about the Atlantic. Yeah, that too. And that's giving them credit for what they meant to say. I think, literally speaking, he did.
01:06:08
Speaker
curse about the curse about the Atlantic. He was pretty damn done with being on that boat. so He went to France and he sure cursed about being around the Atlantic. Okay. What's next? He cursed about it and then... Yeah, his ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Santa Fe. I find nothing wrong with them. Santa Maria. You got it. Very good. Okay. I know that. Okay. Leader of the Pilgrims crossed the ocean and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. um I actually don't know what they're trying to say there. Pilgrim's Pilgrim's Progress? You know how when you don't know something you like to drop things like to make it sound like you know things? This was known as and you just make something. Yeah well no Pilgrim's Progress is a book. Oh. It's a book but it was written later.
01:06:57
Speaker
It's a long ass, boring ass book. Oh, I'm sure. Uh, that's just a religious allegory. It's not really even it all that interesting. Okay. So it was not known as pilgrims. No, no, no. Pilgrims crossed the ocean and it was just known as pilgrims crossing the ocean. Yeah. it was going to It was known as immigration to the native tribes. Should have built a wall. Damn it. Oh my gosh. Anyway.
01:07:24
Speaker
Okay. Unfortunately, I'm only giving you three points there because you had no idea what pilgrims. prize I had no idea. That's fair. That's fair grading. All right. Now we're getting, now we're going to get into the meat of America, America, America. I know about this. We're almost 1776. Okay. New York city, George Washington.
01:07:43
Speaker
married Martha Curtis, and in due time became the father of our country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bear arms. B-A-R-E. The whole thing was about naked arms.
01:08:05
Speaker
they're like The whole thing. Like, hey, Brits. In America. Too much wool. We want bare arms. We show off our bows. Check out my biceps. Oh my gosh. OK. All right, so. George Washington married Martha Curtis. I don't know what Martha Washington's maiden name is. That could very well be it. It's close, but it is incorrect. What is it? It's Custis. I did not know that.
01:08:35
Speaker
Uh, but you did call out that that was probably not correct. I'm going to give you half a point there. Um, and I do enjoy in due time, in due time, like he was waiting his turn. Yeah. I mean, he married her and then he failed miserably in the French and Indian war. And then for some reason they said, Hey dude, you suck at military stuff.
01:08:56
Speaker
um But you've waited. Why don't you go ahead and just run the whole army. It's been due time. It's due time. it's time it is You are due, sir.
01:09:05
Speaker
and then You know, skip a whole war and all that. No, no, no, that doesn't matter. Because then the Constitution was right enacted to ensure domestic hostility? Yeah, right. What is it? Hospitality? What does that say? Tranquility. That's what it actually says. Domestic tranquility. Oh, ensure domestic tranquility. Oh, here we go. All right.
01:09:30
Speaker
Provide for the common defense promote the general welfare Wow support the blessings of Liberty for ourselves and our posterity to ordain and establish the United States of america thank you schoolhouse ra Yeah, I was gonna say we're definitely now gonna get yanked off of all the platforms because you just That wasn't an eight second clip, Rebecca. Sorry, ah we're commenting on it so it's allowed. Fair use. I hope so. Okay. It's a cover. You can't do it.
01:10:08
Speaker
can new it It's ah tiny sofa covers of Schoolhouse Rock. Yeah, that's our new thing.
01:10:17
Speaker
Wait, do we have a bit now? All right. OK. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. We already kind of covered that one. Yeah, we know that. All right. So you you got two and a half out of three there. I think I should get extra credit for singing that song.
01:10:34
Speaker
I'll consider it at the end. Professor. I'll consider it at the end. OK, that's fair. If it bumps my grade from a B to an A, will you give me an extra grade? We'll talk about it. OK, OK, OK. I think you can get there. i think I'll come to office hours. We have just a few more. I think I can do it. Including the last one is is an all timer. Yeah, that one's going to be more. The more modern we get, the less confident I get. Uh-huh. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. Okay, I actually have an argument even if they wrote president.
01:11:10
Speaker
Well, right. it's yes's That's totally subjective. yeah but maybe Maybe they backed it up with a five-paragraph essay. Who can say? ever or know We don't know. All right. President. Are you ready? I'm ready. Because the next sentence is a bizarro world. I'm really scared. yeah Lincoln's mother died in infancy.
01:11:34
Speaker
And he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. No! Hang on! No! Just picture the timeline. His mother his mother died in infancy, and he was born in a cabin he built with his very king. That he really is the greatest presence. This is like, this is how Bible happened, by the way. This is probably how Bible happened. Like somebody was like, I'm pretty sure he said, that oh yeah that's what happened.
01:12:03
Speaker
Thank you for saying that, Mr. Catholic, because that's what I might think. um Like I said before, I like to look at the stories and find the nugget of truth in there. That's fair. That's fair. I don't need it to be literally true. OK. I mean, we're ready. I know. OK. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. Only?
01:12:31
Speaker
this He really is the greatest person. This was a big boy too. He was a big boy. He was very tall. Very tall. You were eye level. I'm sure, yeah. I'm sure he was just... With his dank and fit. I'm sure he was a hog farmer, if you know what I mean. Ew, Dad. Hey, Dad. Hey, Dad. ah Ew. Just one, two and a half. But he also... yeah Okay, we're moving on. He also said in Onion, there is strength.
01:12:56
Speaker
In onion? Yeah. Union? Taste, yeah, that's right, that's right, that's what he meant. Like, together? No, union. In union, there is a strong divide. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. Envelope? Yeah!
01:13:12
Speaker
Wait, what the fuck would they have meant? Air mail, obviously. ah
01:13:19
Speaker
That's just a grammar error. We'll fix it. We'll fix it in the edits here. That's
Humorous Lincoln Assassination Retelling
01:13:24
Speaker
really fun. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. OK, wait, hang on. Wait, he got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. yeah You know, he was just... He was at the movies. He wanted to see the newest Transformers movie. Of course, don't we all? And then this guy jumped out of the screen and shot him in his seat. luka do we can I think that means he got shot in the ass. Oh! The believed assinator, which is... Assinator is crazy! Incredible consistency. I love it. He got shot in his ass, and this is an assinator. This is an assinator.
01:14:09
Speaker
So the believed assonator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. Of a moving picture? Of a moving picture. OK, you ready for this banger of a finish? OK, I'm ready. This ruined Booth's career. Oh, I'm sure it did. His acting career?
01:14:27
Speaker
Lincoln's career was kind of cut short too. I guess it's fair yeah also ruined Lincoln's career. Yeah, i mean we do I mean, we really don't focus on that part. We focus on Booth's, the the fact that we didn't get the full John Wilkes Booth acting arc. He could have been.
01:14:45
Speaker
the heartthrob of our generation. Okay, I don't even know where to be taking it. Oh my gosh, this is a train wreck. Oh no, Lincoln's mother died in infancy, huh? Right, but you also already called out the precedent. Oh, the precedent. Probably died in childbirth. Yes, that's probably what they meant.
01:15:03
Speaker
yeah I don't know if he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Maybe his father built it or maybe he later built one himself. I think he later built one and lived in it. I learned this when I was doing research about Lincoln. Oh, wondrous. For this paragraph. Abraham Lincoln is our only president to have ever owned a bar. A bar? Yeah. Wow.
01:15:29
Speaker
I would go to Lincoln's bar. I for sure would. Especially if he's only wearing a silk top hat. Uh-huh. And he apparently really likes onions. He's a stench to him. Okay, so yep, you called out that only a tall silk hat. You did call out in union there is strength not onion. So now let's deal with this Gettysburg address sentence. Okay. Okay. Can you say it again? Oh, he wrote it well. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. On the back of an envelope. What he really knows. Oh, he wrote the address on the back of an envelope. We just chopped up that sentence improperly. But he made it real weird. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad. So we're giving you an absolute, the the writer of this, an absolute fail on further grammar. Sentence structure.
01:16:21
Speaker
Even though you kind of did have the inaccurate infra- Yes. Oh cool. Um, so he went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. Um, no, I mean by an actor, yes, but he wasn't in the show the theater performance. He was there to see, right. And he didn't get killed by an actor because the dude's an actor. Like that doesn't seem to be a salient piece of information. Um, yeah, supposedly insane though. I mean, he killed a dude.
01:16:55
Speaker
Is it proper grammar to say supposingly? Supposedly. Supposedly. Supposedly. People still say supposingly. I know. It's not a real word, is it? oh I don't know if it's a real word. Backcheck that. It's not correct in that. Jamie, pull that up. Oh, wait. Wrong podcast. Wait, we don't have a Jamie here. We don't have a Jamie. Maybe one day we'll have a Jamie. Maybe. We're kind of our own Jamie. Kind of had a Jamie once. Hey. What? It wasn't a very good Jamie.
01:17:23
Speaker
you won't hear Okay moving on um Let's see. What am I gonna I think that you kind of got I should get full score. Yeah, I think you got everything there That's nine out of nine. That's a very strong showing. Thank you Okay, now we're gonna talk about the British Empire Yeah, wow she's allergic to the British Empire really The Sun The sun never set on the British Empire, because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west.
Comedic Historical Misinterpretations
01:17:58
Speaker
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which rent ended her reign.
01:18:15
Speaker
Really? Yeah. Funny how that happened, huh? Oh my gosh. Okay. So the sun never sets on the British Empire. Yeah. Because... Which is a phrase. Yes. Well... It was a phrase. It was. But wasn't it... It was literally just, the sun never sets on the British Empire. But then it kind of did a little. Well, yeah. Then it kind of really did. Did it not a little. Yeah. Because the sun rises in the East and sets in the West. That is a factually accurate statement.
01:18:47
Speaker
but But no, because they say the British Empire is in the East. oh and they so Well, if you stand west of the British Empire, oh then yeah. Quit trying to give them credit for a stupid... No, that's crazy. The British Empire is in the East. It is a Western civilization. It sure is.
01:19:05
Speaker
Okay, I mean there was a thing called the British East India Company, but the you know, yeah but just say that one out loud folks in the injury that weren't very happy about you can figure out what's wrong with that one yeah ah right um Queen Victoria was the longest queen. I actually well like Physically. Yeah, that one I don't think that's true. I heard she had a big nose. Maybe that british Yeah um How long did Queen Elizabeth reign for? I think that Queen Elizabeth might have usurped Queen Victoria. I think so too, yeah. But this might have been written before she died. Yeah, could be. But so I'm not going to mark them down for that one. Well, I am. OK, cool. So and you're going to get credit for it because you did. Because I brought it up. yeah
01:19:50
Speaker
What's that? Oh, she sat on the thorn. Yeah, poor poor girl sat on the thorn for 63 years. Until her reign was ended by her death. Unfortunate. I wish she could have kept going. Yeah, you you missed one then because... What was before that? I just probably don't remember. Her reclining years. Oh, yeah. And finally the end of her life. Exemplatory? I don't know. You can say... Exemplary? We're just putting extra... Probably exemplary is what they mean. Yeah, it's just... It's hard. Quit making up things to add, but... yeah um i
01:20:22
Speaker
ah do think that if she
01:20:26
Speaker
was sitting on a thorn for 63 years, she probably was reclining in her declining years. Yeah, probably. Because that shit hurts. Well, maybe she was standing a lot because she couldn't sit anymore. Oh, maybe that. She had a thorn up her thumb for 63 years. It's gotta be pussy at that point, right? Dude, it's gotta be. Or maybe a I callus has formed because it's, you know. Oh do yeah, maybe it's think just a big. that if Hard. she Maybe it's like a boob on the neck.
01:20:53
Speaker
Ooh, maybe a boob has grown on her. We have to stop. Okay. Uh, four out of four. Very good. Okay. One more paragraph and then one last sentence okay and then we're done. And then we can do scoring. Oh yeah. It's a long one. The 19th century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
01:21:15
Speaker
Big thoughts. The invention of this steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. No, hang on. Wait. The magic to those rivers into existence. A network, a whole network. A whole network. yeah right Boom. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
01:21:40
Speaker
Oof. That's a tough sentence. That is a tough sentence. Ooh, Cyrus. Cyrus, no, Cyrus. Here's a special place for you. No, Cyrus. Do you know what he actually did an event? I have no idea who that is. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Reaper. Reaper. It was a mechanical harvesting tool that looked great. So it did the work of 100 men, but not a rapey thing. Not an rapey way.
01:22:11
Speaker
Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. oh Louis invented a cure for rabbis. How about that? They finally fixed the rabbis. The rabbi issue. yeah like We found the source of anti-Semitism.
01:22:35
Speaker
Well, freaking Louis Pasteur. We fixed it in the 19th century because we just had so many thoughts back. Oh, big thoughts. Yeah. Great inventions, too. Yeah. Charles Darwin was a naturalist. That's true. Who wrote The Organ of the Species. No, that's not true. I wish. The organ of the species. I wish that this sentence was written that Charles Darwin was a naturist who wrote The Organ of the Species, because naturists are the nudists.
01:23:04
Speaker
Oh, naturalist. Yeah. Did he write naturist? No, I wanted him to. Oh, okay. Okay. No. How did I not notice that? Yeah. So there was one little, the yeah, it was a typo. The organ. Yeah. Ready for this one? Madman Curie discovered radium. How dare you? And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
01:23:30
Speaker
He became one of the Marx brothers. That's a, someone didn't read their history book. Genuinely, genuinely that's so wrong. I don't think I can correct it in one sentence, you know? Nope. Nope. That's definitely not a typo. Let's start from the beginning. Um, ah you had most of them. Yeah, I kind of corrected them as we went. Madman Curie is crazy. Yeah, that one's pretty good.
01:23:55
Speaker
Um, so 19th century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. I highlighted thoughts just because I was like, there were some not so good ones too. So again, that's such a crazy sentence. I don't even know how I would edit it. I don't know either. I don't know either. I would just be like, don't say that. Yeah. If I'm an English teacher, I'm crossing the whole thing out and saying, give me, give me content, not emptiness. Yeah. All right. So, uh, the invention of the steamboat causes a network of rivers to spring up. You caught that one.
01:24:25
Speaker
Oh, yeah. The McCormick Raper. We already talked about that plenty. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Uh-huh. What did Samuel Morse invent?
01:24:41
Speaker
What did he invent? He invented Morse code. Right. Is that a code of telepathy? Telecommunication? What are they trying to say? I don't even know. I don't even know, but yeah. Would it count as telecommunication?
01:24:52
Speaker
Sure. Yeah. That's an electrical signal, right? I mean Morse code is just, it's just the clicks, right? the clicks and yeah the beeps and clicks Maybe he was trying to say telegram.
01:25:04
Speaker
Telegram yeah, I don't know but because telegra view more converted from mor so to more Okay, obviously There still isn't a cure for rabbis so maybe Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what he meant I'm just putting a he on all of these because I can't imagine for a second that i Female would ever write any of this I'm imagining it being like it's all first I was imagining it being kindergarten children then when you said I think high school in college and like oh football players. Yeah, it's all pimply boys. Yeah. Um and then you you caught the organ of the species from Darwin and Mad Man and the Karl Marx thing. So, yeah, you're 10 out of 10. No, you're eight for eight there. Eight out of eight. And now, the sentence. The sentence. Okay, I'm ready to cap this whole thing off. This is, this wins the award of the night for most errors in a single
Humorous World War I Errors
01:26:00
Speaker
sentence. Okay. How can you tell me how many there are?
01:26:03
Speaker
no don't tell don't tell like The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Archduck by a serf, ushered in a new era in the annals of human history.
01:26:17
Speaker
So the first world war caused by the assassination of the Grand Duke, Archduke Ferdinand. What's next? By a serf, ushered in a new era in the annals. Era and the annals. Yeah, there you go. Of history. Yeah, he actually was murdered by a serb, not a serb. Oh, a serb. OK, yeah. So we're going to give you four out of five there. There were five errors in a single sentence. One sentence.
01:26:46
Speaker
that's I would even take issue with the intended meaning of the sentence they were trying to get at. I wouldn't say it ushered in a new era. I would agree. It's called a war. i would just like Yeah, it's the the same shit we've been doing. It didn't, like, usher anything in. It just started a war. I would agree. I would agree. OK, let's see how many points you actually earn. Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous. What do I have?
01:27:23
Speaker
Okay, so out of 79 total points, you got 74 and a half. That's really good, guys. You crushed this test. That's a 4.0. You crushed this test. Oh my gosh. I'm so proud of myself because I'm really not a history gal. No, you aren't. That's why I thought this would be fun. It was fun. I really enjoyed that. I think that's like a fun, like, I think we should do stuff like that intermittently. Yeah. It's fun. Yeah. I don't want to do that every week. It also took an hour. It did take an hour, but it was a fun hour. It was a fun hour. Yeah. Okay. I hope you learned something.
01:28:00
Speaker
Yeah. And we'll get, um, we will get links. Oh yeah. When you post this one. So they I mean, if you check the descriptions of our past couple of episodes, the links are in there. Educate yourself if you would like to. Yeah. But you don't plan to educate yourself with the one that I used. That's not an education. You educate yourself with that one. Brain rot yourself. Lollid. Yeah. Lollid guys. All right. yeah We'll see you in two weeks.
01:28:28
Speaker
Ish. Ish? Yeah. Love you! See you guys!