Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Rascals to Angels-Atticus & Vyolette
123 Plays2 years ago
Mom Mia Searles tells the story of losing her beautiful twins Atticus & Vyolette. Mia’s twin pregnancy came to an abrupt end at just 20 weeks gestation due to Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes (PPROM). In this episode, Mia addresses multiple issues surrounding her loss and future pregnancies. This is a relatable story for those who have experienced loss of multiples and those going through fertility treatments. Through strong bonds & supportive partner, therapy, and a support group Mia is navigating her grief and is now living her new normal, honoring her twins.
Mia has been an educator for 16 years. She is a crafter, book fanatic, cinema connoisseur, and aspiring author. She lives with her family in a small town in South Jersey. She is a mother of 4 on earth (Junior, Achilles, Wolfgang & Immogen) and two angels in heaven (Atticus & Vyolette).
Thank you Mia, for sharing your story and we are honored to have you in our community.
To read more about Mia, you can visit our website here: https://theblindsided.com/2023/08/30/mia-searles-s1-ep1/
If you have a message for Mia please email us at nicole@theblindsided.com or desiree@theblindsided.com. Thanks for listening!
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree. We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies.
00:00:23
Speaker
We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast.
Mia's Journey Begins
00:00:43
Speaker
Hey everyone, this is Nicole here with Mia and Desiree for our first episode of the podcast. So I'm Desiree and if you listen to our pilot episode, you kind of know a little bit about myself and Nicole. We're here to bring you a story today from, like we said, Mia. She's part of our support group and we've known her for a few years. Nicole has known her longer than I have had the honor of, but we're excited for you to meet her today and hear her story.
00:01:07
Speaker
Hi, my name is Mia. I'm Mia Searles and I'm here and very grateful to actually get this platform to talk about my story. Bear with me because as you, well, I'm just gonna be sharing my story. This is the first time that I'm sharing it so publicly with everyone. I'm used to kind of talking in groups and sharing my story through social media when sometimes people contact me after they've heard my story. So this is like really a beautiful thing that we can kind of come together and share
00:01:37
Speaker
our stories. I know I'm, you know, just one of so many families, people that have gone through loss.
Resilience Through Challenges
00:01:44
Speaker
So basically, me and my, I'm gonna call my hubby, we're not married, but we've been together for many, many years, over 10 years. So I'm gonna call him my hubby, because we've been through, I feel like, many struggles. And I feel like this is a testament to, you know, like, where we deserve to be together. We've earned being together, I don't know. You've overcome a lot. Overcoming a lot. And sometimes, and I'll talk about this later, but I do know that sometimes going through lost can tear couples apart.
00:02:13
Speaker
And I'm not saying that we didn't go through our own struggles. I've been very transparent. And I also tell couples that too. But anyway, we've been together for a long time. And I always knew that I had fertility issues. I have what we call plasticic ovarian syndrome.
00:02:29
Speaker
And what that basically is, is you know, I don't ovulate normal, like normal women. And I knew that, you know, getting into my 30s, I was like, Oh, man, you know, I don't want to rush having a kid, but I felt like I was ready, something tell me, I don't know if it's the biological clock, but something was like, you know what, you might want to go start.
00:02:44
Speaker
Getting checked out so I started going to fertility they confirmed. Yes that you know I do have the you know plastic ovarian syndrome And so we got tested and all that and basically they said yeah You would benefit not so much from IVF like we didn't have to go that route, but there's a thing called I UI So which is you know a little bit more natural, so you know obviously yes hubby was on board um
00:03:06
Speaker
with everything, we started getting treatments.
The Joy and Shock of Twins
00:03:10
Speaker
And I know with like IUI and things like that, there's always kind of like a little bit of a greater risk for getting pregnant with multiples, but I don't know, I guess my brain, even though I kind of thought that would be like, I think every, I don't know, there's a fantasy, you know, I was like 35, the 34 when I started the treatments. And I thought to myself, oh man, wouldn't it be great if I got pregnant with twins, right? And there would be boy girl twins,
00:03:32
Speaker
and then I could be done, right? Two and done. That's what I was thinking in my head when you start, like when I was starting, but little did I know that it actually was going to happen. So anyway, we started, it took a while for me to get pregnant, finally did. And beautiful thing about fertility places, you kind of learn pretty quick when you're pregnant, you know, so like within, I think the
00:03:52
Speaker
It was like I took the test or whatever at home though. They tell you the two-week wait. That's what they call it. It's usually a nightmare because if you get the false report, whatever, when you take the test and it's horrible, that wait. But anyway, finally, I get a positive. I remember it clearly. Do you want to say something? Oh, no, no, no. I was just saying it was really, really horrible to wait and most people can't wait that long.
00:04:17
Speaker
Exactly. So we're not taking pregnancy tests. Yes, and I would be lying if I didn't cheat and take it a little earlier. I think you have the test literally in the closet by the boxes. It was crazy.
00:04:32
Speaker
But I'll never forget when I found that I was pregnant, I was like six something in the morning, like, you know, that morning stream, you know, they say is the best. And I just something told, like, I literally had to get up to go to the bathroom. And some told me to try it, like, oh, go, go take the test. And I did. And I couldn't even wait, like, I, I ran down the stairs to tell my mom, I was like, freaking out. And I remember her face. And I actually have a picture of her face with the test.
00:04:55
Speaker
And I kind of have to tell you guys this too, because you're gonna be like, wait a minute, you told your mom, but you didn't tell you didn't tell your hubby. Well, at the time, we weren't actually living together. I know that sounds crazy. But we were in the process of finding a place he lived an hour away. So we did the whole like commute, you know, the long distance relationship. We've been doing that for a long time.
00:05:12
Speaker
time. And we were actually in the process of like starting to buy a house because we knew okay, we're going to start a family. So we're doing all this kind of crazy like all at one time. So of course, like it was a weekend that he wasn't there. And so of course, my mom, you know, me and my mom are very, very close. And so I just remember that picture that I that I have
00:05:29
Speaker
And it still to this day kind of tears me up when I come across it because it's like unfinished. And I didn't even have the heart with my future pregnancies to even do it because, you know, it's one of those things that you like I just, you know, so scared to even dream, you know, just getting through the pregnancy was big enough for me. And I didn't I was just, yeah, it's horrible.
00:05:50
Speaker
But anyway, so found out and then of course, I went in and they confirmed with a blood test and they said, okay, in another week come back, you know, for an ultrasound. Well, meanwhile, I like went on Etsy and I got like a cute little like onesie and I because at this point, I only thought it was one baby.
00:06:08
Speaker
So I was like, okay, so I got like, you know, I can't even remember what it said, but it was like a onesie to surprise Alex when he was coming down. It was something along the lines of, you know, can't wait to meet you daddy or something like that, you know, in the 2017 or whatever, September 2017. And I remember surprising him and he was like, so happy. And I got pictures of that and him with the onesie. And then
00:06:31
Speaker
the day, the day we found out we were going to have twins. So we went into the fertility place. And that's pretty much when they gave me the stamp of like, okay, you know, once they do ultrasound, it's like they release you after like so many weeks, and then you go to an actual OB. So I remember going in there. And and it was funny, because I kind of looked over now, mind you, we this was like my first pregnancy and him he did, you know, I have a stepson, he does have somebody who was years, years ago,
00:06:57
Speaker
And so we're both looking at this ultrasound, you know, the machine. And I'm like thinking, hmm, why does it look like there's two dots? I'm like, eh, you know, maybe I'm losing my mind. And he told me later that he said the same thing. Like, he's like, I look like two eyes looking at me. That's what he was saying.
00:07:12
Speaker
And then they were like, oh, surprise. It looks like there's two. And then they did the little heartbeat thing. We heard two heartbeats and it was just like, oh my God. It was definitely a surprise in my life, but in a weird way. I think it shocked him more than it shocked me. I don't know. Maybe, I don't know if anybody
00:07:31
Speaker
else feels this because I'm not a hardcore religious person. I accept and respect all faiths. I respect that. I'm not saying I don't believe in God or anything, but I'm saying I don't go to church every day. But I tell you, this experience, it's almost like I was meant to be a twin mom. And it's the weirdest thing. And so it was this weird feeling of I'm not super shocked. I was surprised a little bit, but once it settled, then it wasn't like, oh, yeah, this is crazy. How am I going to do this?
00:08:00
Speaker
I know some people and I'm in twin groups now on social media and they like flip out and I'm not disrespecting them. I get it. It is a shock to the system. I embraced it wholeheartedly and was ready for the challenge. I knew it was going to be a challenge. So anyway, fast
Complications Arise
00:08:15
Speaker
forward. So we found out everything kind of, we lost them at 20 weeks. So I would say the first 20 weeks in general, we're good. We were associated with, if I share part of my story, one thing I can tell somebody is that sometimes even the place can be triggering.
00:08:29
Speaker
It was a textbook, right? They considered me sort of high risk only because I was pregnant with twins, but I had no previous losses or anything. So it wasn't like they treated me out of the norm as far as needing to go to crazy high risks all the time. I did see once at 16 weeks, we did go see a high risk doctor just so that he can go over the things of twins. Like, okay, you're pregnant with die-die twins. That's the best type of twins to have because they're in their own sack.
00:09:00
Speaker
They each have their own sack and they each have their own placenta. They're like the best kind as far as getting them to the finish line, you know? You know, so we liked everybody. I mean, I liked him, you know, and it just was towards the end when we start right before, oh, and now this is kind of an interesting thing too. So because of the fact that I was on that cusp of 34 weeks, 35 weeks, they recommended that I get some like genetic testing. You mean your age?
00:09:25
Speaker
my age. I was going to ask you that. I was going to ask you if that was any kind of factor into your medical care. Exactly. Yes. So being 34, 35, I hate to say this, but what do they call it? Geriatrics. They used to call it advanced maternal age, but now I feel like they do call it geriatrics. Yeah. So they just recommended it. They said, you know what? It wouldn't hurt just to kind of get some things checked up. And then also the perks of getting the testing done is we
00:09:53
Speaker
get to know a little bit ahead of time if we're pregnant with boy-girl gender, right? And I was like, oh, that would be kind of cool. Because of course we were anxious and kind of wanted to know. So the good news and bad news. So the good news is when I did get the test results back, it did reveal that I was pregnant with at least one boy. But because of the way it is with twins and this genetic testing, they said that I still could be pregnant. If it was just XX, then it would have been both would have been girls.
00:10:22
Speaker
Because they picked X they picked up the XY chromosome They said you either have two boys or you're definitely you have one boy and they just can't pick up the you know The XX for the girls so basically alright, so we at least know we're having one boy But we didn't know if it was a boy and a girl, but so that was interesting So I just remember that and that was nice to know a little early so we hit 20 weeks and
00:10:45
Speaker
And I remember like, you know, we had just went and, you know, of course, these are all things and I'm mentioning this because these are all things that even to this day, you know, this guilt, right? You go in your mind, you're thinking of all these things like could this been what caused me to go into preterm labor?
00:11:02
Speaker
Did I do too much? So I remember a week before, it was our anniversary, it was a gift that me and him wanted to do. It was months later, we went to a musical in Philly. And I remember having to go up a lot of stairs. It was up and down, up and down stairs, and we had a park and walked there. And I remember feeling a little funny that day. I was starting to not feel well.
00:11:28
Speaker
A week before we were at the theater, we saw a musical. It was the first time my hubby had ever been to a musical. So we had a great time, but I was like, you know, again, going back to that guilt of, you know, I think every woman, even if we're told no, it was completely not your fault. I think from until my dying day, I'm always going to feel that there was a part of me that I did something wrong. Even though I know logically
00:11:53
Speaker
that I didn't, but I just think it's something, and it's good to know, you know, if anybody is in my shoes, you know, and you're suffering through a loss or have suffered through a loss, I want you guys to know that, you know, don't, you know, these feelings, even going through therapy, and I'll discuss that later, you know, going through therapy and going to group, I think that's like the universal thing that I feel with other moms, we always have to suffer that feeling of guilt.
00:12:17
Speaker
So yeah, I agree. There's always some kind of guilt. You look back, you're like, oh, if I had done this differently, maybe, or if I had known, I should have listened to my body. It's so hard. So Monday rolled around. Again, 20 weeks. Monday rolled around. I called out. I started feeling funny. And then Tuesday rolled around and I started feeling funny.
00:12:40
Speaker
And I was just trying to make it to my appointment that this, the anatomy scan, which was at 20 weeks, we had that scheduled for the following week, but something told me I was leaky. I know not to get really graphic, but I wasn't like my, I didn't think my water had broken again. It was my first pregnancy, but I had always heard that it was like a gush. And so, but it was like a little leaky.
00:12:58
Speaker
I was kind of crampy. I just didn't feel good. So I kind of called up, I said, let me advocate for myself. Let me call up, called the OB, and said, look, something's not right. It's been two days now. Can I get it checked out? So they told me to come in.
00:13:14
Speaker
Hubby was working at the time, but at that point I didn't even scare him. I didn't want to get him all worked up or anything. So anyway, I go into the appointment and this was really where I felt I took a turn with my care because even though I had a pretty good experience up until then, this is where things kind of changed. This was how crazy this was. My parents, my dad was just battling cancer at the time.
00:13:41
Speaker
And so my dad and my mom were actually on their way to Camden to go talk to, I believe it was the cancer doctor, the oncologist. She both had appointments in Camden at the same time. Yeah. But I was originally, my appointment was going to be in Sewell, right? So even though the Cooper Hospital was in Camden, I was at the, thank God, the OB. My OB was right there, not far from where I lived.
00:14:07
Speaker
So I was like, I didn't think nothing, right? I mean, I wasn't thinking that it was the end all be all I just like, okay, I'm right. Well, maybe they can kind of just tell me what's going on. But I did let my parents know FYI, you know, I'm heading to the doctor's mom's a good because I, you know, I really want you to go get checked out something's not right.
00:14:22
Speaker
So I go to the appointment and like I said, this is kind of where I didn't feel right, even with the people that were taking care of me that day. The one good thing was when I got in there, the nurse that came in was very nice and I told her, look, I'm feeling funny, blah, blah, blah.
00:14:39
Speaker
And she said, you know what? I said, I'd just like to get checked down there. I don't know what it is. I had had a yeast infection before, you know, and I didn't know. Like I said, maybe there's a reason why things are just feeling a little leaky down there. And so she actually was cool because she said, you know what? Only they're like undressed from the waist down. And when a doctor comes in, you let them know that, you know, they don't generally check at this point. I don't really know why we don't, but you know, kind of was on my side.
00:15:01
Speaker
Well, when the doctor came in, I mean, it was a doctor that I hadn't seen, to be fair, right? Wasn't one that had yet circulated. She was kind of, she didn't really want to check. She said, oh yeah, it's normal. That's what she kept saying. It's normal. It's normal to feel leaky, you know? Yeah, but I said, something's not right. I said, I'm telling you, I said, it's been two days. I barely can get out of bed. You know, I just don't feel right. So finally, I kind of forced her. I said, can you, like, I really would feel better walking out of here if you could
00:15:26
Speaker
please check me. And I'm so glad that I did. And I'm again, another thing that I'm telling everybody advocate for yourself, you know, your body that I've learned even through my future pregnancies that like you have to advocate and not just advocate but surround yourself with a care team. Yes, that is okay. That understands your anxiety and is willing to be on board with you.
00:15:48
Speaker
that it's okay if you know if they they're not on board and can't ease your anxieties and things like that then you know what maybe you need to go to another it's not always you is what I'm trying to say so anyway she checks me and it's one of these weird things where you know you could see somebody's face and she kind of like oh yeah she's like something's up here and I was like what do you mean and she's like oh she's like well I want you to um
00:16:08
Speaker
go get checked out." She's like, I'm going to send you to get an ultrasound. I'm going to check your cervix because it's looking like it's dilated a little bit. And I said, okay. And of course, you know, me being me, I mean, I don't really understand fully what that meant, but I knew that wasn't good either. We want you to go straight up to Camden, you know, to get you checked out to make sure everything's good. I said, okay. So at that point,
00:16:30
Speaker
I wasn't like full blown panicking, but yeah, I was like, okay, something's not good if they're sending me straight to the hospital. So I just remember coming out of the appointment, sitting in my car to immediately call and it was his lunch break. So it was actually kind of perfect. But I call Alex and I remember saying to him, like, look, I'm dilated and they're telling me to go straight to the hospital. So I need you to kind of meet me there. And you know, at first he's like, you know, typical and I hate to say typical male.
00:16:54
Speaker
He's like, well, I'm working. I need you to come to the hospital. You don't understand. Fine, do you. I don't know. I guess I was just like, well, whatever then. If you're not going to come, then I know where I'm going to be. And we hung up. What was funny was
00:17:09
Speaker
within like five minutes, he calls me back and he's like, I'm on my way. And I'm like, well, what changed your mind? And he's like, cause of course, like I'm bawling my eyes out in the car, right? And he's like, and she, and he's like, cause what my coworker was like, what's going on? And he's like, I don't know. She said she's dilated or something. And he's like, leave now. Like, what are you crazy? I mean, and I guess he just needed it. It didn't get in his head that it was really important. He didn't understand that. Yeah. That's cute. That's cute.
00:17:36
Speaker
He didn't understand. Yeah. So, and let me tell you, like, from that moment on, like, I mean, he was like fully so supportive. But I remember getting up there first without him. I get up there, they get me comfortable. They, you know, nurses were nice. They said, look, we're going to check to see if there's any membranes
00:17:53
Speaker
If there's anything going on down there, we're going to do a swab." I said, okay. So again, I still wasn't really in panic mode. Maybe I was in denial, but I wasn't really thinking that bad. They just did the swab. He comes in, so hubby comes in, and I said, oh, thank God you're here because I don't know what they're going to tell me.
00:18:13
Speaker
And I always thought think back to that moment because if he hadn't gotten there when he did, I think I would have gotten the news by myself. And so and then he was like apologizing to me. He's like, I'm sorry, you know, and I said, no, it's good. You're here. That's the main thing. Meanwhile, I knew my parents were literally across the street at the at the cancer building. So
00:18:30
Speaker
It's interesting that we all were kind of close. Well, in the moment, a dread hits in. So the doctor comes in with the nurses, and I saw her face, and I just knew this wasn't good. And she's like, I'm really sorry, but your water is broken.
00:18:48
Speaker
And I said, what? I said, what do you mean? And she's like, yeah, one of the one of the waters is broken. You're going to lose both babies. And at first, and this is, I think, why, you know, it's a little bit different. And again, I'm not belittling anybody's loss because every loss is different. And it's heartbreaking. But I'm saying it's different in a sense that it was so confusing. Like, I said, well, so of course, Alex is like, well, what do you mean?
00:19:12
Speaker
You know, well, there's two babies, they're two different sacks. You're saying one water broke, one didn't. And he goes, and they're like, yes. And they're like, well, can't we save one? And they're like, no, the issue is, is that, you know, once your body, what's a woman's body is triggered into like labor, there's no way of really
Heartbreaking Decisions
00:19:30
Speaker
stopping it.
00:19:30
Speaker
Let me backtrack that to let me stop because they were alive, right? So they were alive and then on top of it, they said by options. Okay, so let me explain to some people because 24 weeks is when they consider pregnancy to be viable, where they feel that babies are able to survive outside the womb without major, major, major
00:19:55
Speaker
I guess, like issues and things like that. So here I was only at 20 weeks. So that's kind of why at least this hospital and this team really wasn't jumping at, and again, it's not just I know that this is across the board, but they weren't jumping to like, give me a lot of options, right? So the only options they gave me, they said, well, one,
00:20:15
Speaker
You could try to, we could try to keep you in the hospital, try to keep you comfortable and see if we can get you as close to 24 weeks as possible. But the issue is, is that you're open down there. Like basically membranes are ruptured.
00:20:32
Speaker
You have one, you know, one baby, the fluid is done, you know, like water broke. Now you're open to sepsis, right? And you have to understand that not only could they get sepsis and die, but then you could, you know, like you get a severe infection.
00:20:47
Speaker
so then alex was freaking out about that because he's like i don't want to risk that like i don't want to risk losing you on top of them like and so that was something we had to talk about really and it's like one of these sad things because it's like you know they sit there and say you have all this time like yeah take your time thinking about it but really you don't
00:21:04
Speaker
So we felt and we felt so not only uneducated about it. I mean, Alex was literally on his phone trying to play doctor like, you know, trying to do all this research and me I'm just devastated. I was just sitting there like a like like in a catatonic state like I just couldn't function. I couldn't think I didn't even know how I was even going to get the strength even
00:21:24
Speaker
go move forward you know and go through like how how how do i survive this knowing that it's not like an instantaneous thing you know when i get the talk about the birth in a minute but it's like it's not like oh you know it's just like oh something quick you know they're they can put you under
00:21:40
Speaker
It's like knowing that the next 24 to 40 hours were probably going to be the most painful to physically go through. And then emotionally, it was so devastating. And in the blink of an eye, everything seemed like it was going great. And then bam, you get this devastating news. And I look back now, and I think, again, going back to this mom guilt, did I make a hasty decision? No, I know that, again, I know I made the right decision. But once in a while, and here we go with the triggers,
00:22:09
Speaker
you know you'll see these these miracle stories that like a woman at 22 weeks like or you know 20 21 weeks 22 weeks went from hospital to hospital hospital cuz it kept turning her away and then all the sudden they get one hospital that took a chance and now they're now the baby like quote unquote graduated from
00:22:28
Speaker
the nick you and and made it you know so like and what i'm trying to say is like you know you you literally rack your brains like if i had had just more time if i'd had more to more experience did i make the right decision and i again i think it's like the warring with your heart and your brain you know like you know i know logically i made the right decision
00:22:46
Speaker
And there are so many reasons why I know I made the right decisions, but I think that's just to think of mom guilt, something that I'll always live with until my dying day. Moving forward, so I end up calling my parents, let them know what was going on and that I needed them. But I also told them at the same time, I know that you're in a serious appointment, so come over when you can. So they did.
00:23:08
Speaker
They moved me to labor and delivery. One thing I will say is that while I didn't really care for the doctors, the nurses were phenomenal on that team. They were, I will say that thank God at least had that.
00:23:23
Speaker
I just remember, and you know what's sad is I think it was, I don't remember what their names were. I just know there was two of them. And I think it was just like a blur. But they were wonderful. I do remember me and Alex, it set in pretty early with me feeling like a failure. I remember telling Alex, almost like, I understand if you don't want to be here.
00:23:44
Speaker
Like, I look back now and I'm like, what was I thinking? But I think I just felt like a failure as a as a woman, as a wife, as a, you know, as a mom, like, you know, I just felt like, you know, here, and you know, not to get into his story, but he had been through a lot of loss. So this was something like, Oh, I'm going to give him these babies, like, you know, we're gonna start a life and bam, it's like,
00:24:05
Speaker
you know, I couldn't finish that. And I feel like it's another step of grief and putting something on him. But let me tell you, I don't know if I could have survived it without him. He was so very supportive, made decisions and helped me make decisions that I didn't I just didn't wasn't even in the right mental capacity to make.
00:24:21
Speaker
So some things that we had to deal with. So when we get up there, and they get me comfortable, it's kind of like, some of the questions were like, when they're born, do you want, do you want to hold them?
Cherishing Precious Moments
00:24:33
Speaker
And I originally said no, and I'm going to be honest, and this is painful. This is painful stuff.
00:24:37
Speaker
originally we both were I think he was kind of following my lead my fear was I didn't know what that kept saying what are they gonna look like yeah you know I was petrified I didn't know what they were gonna come out like I don't know I don't even know like I wasn't in my right frame of mind so what we did ask for was an anatomy but a scan
00:24:56
Speaker
to be able to like an ultrasound to be able to remember them what they look like in the womb right originally i thought i'll be okay with that like i don't really need to see them and i'll never forget this the one main nurse that was with me in a very gentle way she said to me a couple of times because i kept saying what are they going to look like and she said they're going to be babies they're just going to be small that's it she goes they're going to look like little babies
00:25:18
Speaker
She said, and I'm going to tell you something. And she goes, and this is of course, I'm going to respect your decision. You know, this is this is what you're going through. But one of the biggest regrets that I've experienced, like parents have experienced have come through that have been through in your shoes, ones that don't want to end up not holding their baby or looking at their baby, they end up regretting it. She goes, and I just don't want you and your hubby to regret it.
00:25:40
Speaker
And, you know, she said it a couple of times when I kept kind of going back and forth and asking her, like, what are they going to look like? And so it stayed in the back of my head. And I think, you know, so I was still kind of wibbly wobbly on that if I wanted to do it. So then they had to do like do the suppositories to actually kind of like help me
00:25:57
Speaker
go through labor and i think another difference with this twin pregnancy and and labor especially with loss that's so different than i think a singleton singleton pregnancy and and going through is that you know they don't prepare you i think it's every body that's had twins or you know they're like oh or seen the movies rights like you have twins within minutes apart.
00:26:18
Speaker
Well, I had my son, so Atticus was born at 627 in the morning. He didn't really move. I just saw his little heart. I guess I should say that. Of course, when I pushed him out, I just remember saying, what does he look like? And I said, what does he look like? And Alex was like, he's beautiful. And the nurse said, yeah, he's beautiful. And then my mom, he's beautiful.
00:26:43
Speaker
And then I just wanted to hold them. And so they've wrapped them up and they gave them to me. And, you know, I think that weight of like worrying, like, I don't know, like, it was like a moment of, I know that I'm not the only one, you know what I mean? That felt that way, like not sure if they wanted to, but it was like such a blessing.
00:26:59
Speaker
And now, of course, years later, I wish I had had more time, even though I held them instantly. I still wish I had more time. At least that's one regret that I don't have to worry about. So I held them. And obviously, Alex held them and my mom and I'll never forget my mom saying, I remember I got pictures and she said like,
00:27:17
Speaker
she cried. And she told me later, she was so scared even when her tears hit his face. And she's like, all my tears cold. And just the things, my mom was so excited to be a grandmother. And thank God for her, because I think there was times when I was in pain and I had to pass him off. And I just knew that he was safe. He was safe for those moments. But
00:27:39
Speaker
We did have pastor come down that kind of blessed them, you know, and said a little prayer. And then what's sad is, like I said, he didn't die right away, you know, it was a few hours, and then they have to come in to announce that he's dead. And like, that's just it's heartbreaking. And then, but then what's sad is, I had to do this again. So I get my everybody's like, why is this taking so long?
00:28:04
Speaker
I'm seeing every hour go by of six, you know, six, six, 27 was when I gave birth to him. Then it was not, you know, nine o'clock, 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock, then it's the afternoon. And I'm thinking, is it this right? Like, I don't understand. And what I end up finding out what they said, because they knew that the babies were going to basically die, that there was no rush in like, yes, you know, like birthing them, like, obviously, when you have when you when you're birthing twins, and they're going to survive, right? Like, yeah, you want them out quick.
00:28:33
Speaker
I couldn't wrap my brain around that until later. Because I thought to myself, that is the most, I don't know, I mean, if there was something that I could change, if I could be an advocate, you know, for a woman that was in my shoes, waiting hours. I mean, I try to look at it because I'm always the type of person that looks tries to look at things from the positive. I thought, well, it gave me that extra time to process having Atticus and being able to have that time until he passed. I didn't give birth to Violet until 430. 430 in the afternoon.
00:29:03
Speaker
That's a huge that's not like an hour. It's not two hours not three hours So I felt like it was just all day long waiting and then of course we still didn't know that it was a girl so of course by then I was exhausted so by the time she came along and that what really killed us with this was that when she came out and
00:29:21
Speaker
I just remember my mom and Alex going, oh my God, she's moving. So my son was just very still. She was moving and flailing and her little mouth had opened. Such a girl. Such a girl. Such a girl. Yeah, right? It's a girl. Exactly. My feisty, let me tell you, feisty is a fighter.
00:29:45
Speaker
So of course, you had this moment, especially Alex, I think I was just devastated. And I was like, I didn't get to see this, because I think I was just I was like, it's a sweating mess. I was just laying there. But I remember Alex, I heard the hope in his voice. And my mom, they're like, Can you save her? Yeah, you know, like, she's she's like moving. And, and they just they said, No, there's nothing that we could do. And
00:30:07
Speaker
I remember, you know, and just know it. So it was like a shock because it was like, we didn't know that it was, you know, going to be a girl, you know, and so we're processing the fact that we have a daughter. And I think that's even more devastating. It's like, you know, we knew at least having one boy, but knowing that, oh my God, we actually have a daughter, it was like a big surprise. I really do feel that we thought it was two boys, just because of the way he announced his family and everything with boys.
00:30:30
Speaker
So it was like a big shock and then I think the grief hit me even harder because then I was like, wow, now you're the best of both worlds, boy and a girl, and I'm losing both of them. We held her and we had the pastor come down and again, same thing. It was almost like going through it again, waiting for her to die.
00:30:50
Speaker
And then having another doctor come into it, pronounce that she was officially dead. And oh my God, it was just, it was like, I just remember how devastating. And then we also, another decision we had to make, and that was right before, I think I had given birth to, well, what it was before they both were being pushed out was if I wanted their placentas tested. Because I said, I do not want them being cut for an autopsy. Because I just, in my heart, I knew they were perfect. I didn't really need to know if it was, I don't, I knew it wasn't them.
00:31:18
Speaker
Like, you know, there wasn't a reason like that. That was the reason there was something within me or something that happened. And later I ended up finding out that they think that not so much work, because of course they tried to just say, oh, it was incompetent cervix. But later down the road when I switched hospitals and we were reading paperwork, we did, it was basically I had had an infection. It didn't, didn't catch it early enough. And that could have caused like the preterm kind of signs.
00:31:40
Speaker
that I missed because, like I said, it wasn't like my water broke. They said my water had broken, but it was like a slow leak. It wasn't like one of those gushes. After I had them and then it was official and they tested the placentas and all that, they gave me, I'll never forget this, so
00:31:58
Speaker
The nurses created this box, you know, is a little keepsake box. Well, one was they, you know, they took pictures of them and I'm so grateful for that. They took pictures of them. They had these two little blankets and their little hospital bracelets. And I'll never forget these bears. And I always come back to these bears, but they gave me these two teddy bears. And I always told Alex, I'll never forget that. I said, how sad those bears look. He's like, well, do you want them to be taken away? I said, no. I said, because they feel how I feel.
00:32:28
Speaker
I know it was delirious, but to this day, I was so thankful. I know it sounds crazy that those bears did not have a smiling face because I think I would have wanted to rip their heads off. But they did. They had this little, I don't know how to explain it, but these little teddy bears, their faces were somber. I'm not saying they didn't have somber bears. Yeah. Yeah, somber bears. I'm thinking good. They didn't bring me these nice cheery bears.
00:32:50
Speaker
And, you know, and I'll never forget that for the longest time. I think recently I took them down, but for the longest time I had them in my hutch at home with like the blankets and things, but they were getting like a lot of dust and I said, let me preserve them. But, you know, it made me feel like, okay, I wasn't alone. I know that sounds crazy.
00:33:08
Speaker
We need to trademark that somber bears somber bears somber bears. Nobody steal that. Yeah somber bear right with trademark in that. Absolutely. You know, yeah, because there's just some occasions where you want maybe a teddy bear you want something but you don't want it to big smiley face, you know, another thing that too that we had to come to a quick decision about and this is something that I know a lot of especially being in group with with you guys like, you know, talking
00:33:32
Speaker
was making the decision on what to do.
Navigating Grief and Loss
00:33:35
Speaker
So when you're, when you hit, I think it's actually 20 weeks, then you're responsible kind of for like making arrangements. Right. And where, you know, a week prior and 19 weeks, you really don't have to, although I do know that's still a big thing, like, you know, with people, because there's some couples that at nine, 18, 19 weeks want to
00:33:55
Speaker
take the remains of their children or their child and get them cremated or something. Yeah, yeah, that's, that's really far along. And especially if you've done like fertility, or you're like really invested in the pregnancy, it's hard just to like, forget exactly. And we're originally my first thought when they came in to say, look, you're gonna have to before they're born, these are some decisions you're gonna have to make. So you have to make arrangements. And I've originally, I felt like, are you kidding me point was like, I couldn't even
00:34:21
Speaker
think that far, you know what I mean? And then of course, that age old like, you know, parents shouldn't be burying their children. And I remember just I couldn't even function. And Alex, thank God, here we go. He jumped in and you know, he made all the decisions because at first I didn't really it's not that I didn't care, but I just
00:34:36
Speaker
was having a hard time processing. I'm thinking, I don't know, cremate them? I don't even know. And he's like, no, I want them there. I think we should bury them. I said, OK. And now I'm very fortunate that he made that decision because I have a place that I can go to. And the funny thing is I always used to be scared of cemeteries. I don't know what it is about them, but they always used to creep me out. My mom always say, it's not the dead you've got to worry about. My mom enjoys going to cemeteries. She's right.
00:35:01
Speaker
She's absolutely right, you know, and she said her grandma used to say the same thing and so she actually enjoys going to cemeteries and she feels like it's a peaceful thing. Me, I always felt uneasy and I always felt like, I always joke when I talked to Atticus and Violet, you know, when I have my little quiet moments and I talked to them, I said, you know, you did this on purpose.
00:35:18
Speaker
like you got me out of my comfort zone and make me go to visit them like I think it was everything was meant to be because now I go and I you know the cemetery we chose it's such a peaceful place to have all the babies in like a little circle around this tree and it's such a peaceful place
00:35:33
Speaker
And I've been there many, many times where I just go and it's just so nice. So I always say like, maybe it was not that it's meant to be, but when you start being able to process things and I thought, well, if this is how it's supposed to be, then maybe that's, you know, why, you know, also to help me kind of get out of that.
00:35:49
Speaker
because it is a beautiful place to go. So we had them and then finally eventually released me from the hospital right before their funeral. I ended up going back to the hospital because I was sick and I was running a fever and they found out that they hadn't gotten everything out of me. I still had like
00:36:05
Speaker
Oh, no. Yeah, it was bad. And they actually was two days. It was like a day before was the day before I had to spend the night. It was two days before their funeral. I had passed like this huge clot. I was having my actually was rushed to the hospital because I thought I was dying like I actually that that week
00:36:22
Speaker
Oh my gosh, that's so scary. Or two weeks before something like that, I just remember being in bed, not wanting to move. Oh my gosh. I didn't care if I died. I didn't care if I lived. It was one of these weird things. I was like in a limbo, I guess you could say, you know, like not that it was necessarily wishing to die, but also what had no motivation to get up. I remember
00:36:41
Speaker
getting up one day, one time and I went to the bathroom and it was like a gush and then passed this huge clot. It was like size of my fist. It was bad. I felt like, you know, when you feel the blood drain and my dad, my mom, I yelled down, my dad rushed up the stairs.
00:36:58
Speaker
Because Alex was at that point, he was trying to finish some affairs, you know, he stayed with me a whole week, then he went back because he had to go to work for a little bit. So my dad came up the stairs and he was like, saw me and he like grabbed me, he yelled down, told my mom to call 911. And I go, Dad, I said, I said, I feel I don't feel right. So I'm gonna pass out. So he pushed my head forward.
00:37:19
Speaker
And I said, dad, I don't want to die. And I just, I'll never forget that because I thought to myself, well, there must be a fight in me somewhere. Like, I'm guessing at one point within the first week or two, you know, I thought, oh, like, I really could care less. But I was like, I don't want to die, dad. And he's like,
00:37:34
Speaker
and i felt bad because he had a similar situation with my mom when she birthed my brother where she she was hemorrhaging and he told me that later like he said i literally thought i was going to lose you because it triggered me he said because your mom said almost something similar and she was pale white and she's like so i was like oh my poor father but but when i got to the hospital and it was a different hospital because obviously
00:37:54
Speaker
emergency they're gonna take you to the closest one and they were like doing all this stuff in there like I remember the lady in ultrasound like she was checking me and she was yeah honey there's stuff in there there's they didn't like clean you out right so I ended up having to be knocked out did a D and was a DNC or D and me like that to go in there and clean everything out
00:38:11
Speaker
And I just kept telling them, because they wanted to keep me another day. And I was like, no, my baby's funeral is literally that frat. Like, I need to be out today. I said, I will sign myself out. I don't care. And so they were like, all right, we have to promise that we'll do A, B, and C, A, B, C, and D. And then the funeral came. And that was all these little sad things. Like, Alex, we had to pick out a coffin. They put them both together since they were so small. But these are all things that like,
00:38:36
Speaker
You don't ever think of, you know, that you have to do. And again, all of these things are beautiful. I look back and I'm so thankful, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't like checked out. I can't even remember who really came. I remember some of my students came. I was a teacher. Seeing them was really moving.
00:38:53
Speaker
and a couple close friends from the school. But moving forward, basically, I knew immediately that I needed help. I wasn't ready. It's so funny. I've said this in group before. I wasn't ready for group therapy. But what I needed was I knew I need to talk to
The Healing Process
00:39:07
Speaker
someone. So I did go to a grief counselor.
00:39:10
Speaker
And it was the best the first year after losing them, it was the best thing that I could have ever asked for. They she was not just understanding, but I guess I just needed that this person to listen unbiased. And I'm going to say the heart one of the hardest things I think was feeling like my world had stopped, but everybody else was moving on. I had to go off completely off of social media for a while. I felt angry. Yes, because I'll never forget. I don't even know who it was. But I just remember texting friends.
00:39:39
Speaker
Right. Like, you know, after I'd write, like, maybe the first couple weeks, maybe a month after, and then being so sympathetic, I mean, so supportive and sympathetic, right? But then, like, they'd be on social media posting something and laughing, you know, that's totally fine. But me, I'm like, wait a minute, they're on social media, like, laughing? I just told them that, you know, and that's when I said, no, I got to go off because I think that's the whole thing. Your world stops. But
00:40:04
Speaker
Life goes on. I didn't know how to continue. I didn't know how I'm like, how can everybody else go on? But I'm stuck and then I felt really bad that I felt angry at them because it's not their fault They didn't mix me like you of course they're there for me and they're calling me and they're dropping food off they're doing all the things that friends are and family are supposed to do but they also have to function and
00:40:25
Speaker
Yeah, so that's, that was a big lesson that I had to like, like, learn and kind of like process that like, yeah, your world has stopped but the life is has moved on.
00:40:36
Speaker
Yeah, the world is still turning. Yes, the world is still turning. And my therapist was instrumental. I think a big lesson, another big lesson I learned was like, I'd say the year mark, Alex, we got into a couple big epic fights. And I think I learned of course, because he listened, men and women process grief different. I also believe in everybody has different backgrounds and how they process and
00:40:58
Speaker
He was so so supportive and he would do things like and I and he wouldn't talk a lot about it but I knew that he they were still on his mind because every time I'd go and like say if I might like I'd go in his car or Like whatever he'd have their little mask card their little card from the funeral home would be tucked in the dashboard You know, like there was little subtle ways. He would kind of let me know like yes, they're on my mind You know, I changed I'm not the same Mia that I was, you know
00:41:25
Speaker
when I lost them, I'll never be the same. So I felt like so we got into this, I'm afraid we got this epic fight one day, and he's like, angry. And he's like, I don't know what you want from me. You know, I don't know how to fix you. And then it dawned on me. And I just remember grabbing his hands and crying. I said,
00:41:41
Speaker
Is that what you think? Do you think you have to fix me? No. I said, I have to fix myself. That's my job. I said, all I need from you is just to love and support me. I said, and understand that I'm not the same person. I just need you to love me for who I am. I said, and maybe learn me again, just like I have to learn you. I said, you're different too.
00:41:58
Speaker
I would never put that burden on you to fix me." I said, I'm sorry that you felt you were trying to fix me or trying to make me happy. I said, I am happy with you, but it's just a new normal, new way we have to find our happiness. I said, but that's my job to fix me, but I just need you to be supportive. I need to talk about them. I'm not asking you to say anything back or expect you to get into this long, he's a man of a few words. I'm the talker.
00:42:25
Speaker
So I said, just listen to me. That's all. Just be a lending ear. And one thing I will say moving forward from that day, if I asked him to say, hey, you know what? I want us to go to a rock and walk event. If I want us to go to a group, he'll go. Like the December remembrances that we go to. You know what I mean? If I wanted to go, he knows. He doesn't argue. And that's kind of all I asked for with that, like it was just him being supportive.
00:42:48
Speaker
Sounds like he really is. You guys sound like you have a great relationship, like good communication. Yes, it took a while. And like I said, I'm not trying to be like, Oh, everything's, you know, peachy. But I understand, though, I've also been where I've been had friends, friends have had some like losses and people I know that it broke the relationship or the person or let me rephrase that to not just broke the relationship, but because sometimes as a woman, you can't come out of it.
00:43:13
Speaker
I had a very close family friend, and I'm not putting her business out there, but I know her mom might watch this or listen to this podcast. I love her dearly. She recently passed, actually, but she had lost a baby before me. I don't think she ever was right after that. She never was right. She never could get over that. That's why I don't judge people, because you know what?
00:43:36
Speaker
is different for everyone. And, you know, I'm also a believer in like support system, you know, you need a support and she did have a good support system. Don't get me wrong. She did her mother of close friends. But if you think it's over, you think you're, you know, some people just don't know how to handle that grief. You were talking about your relationship with your husband and just saying like, thought he had to fix you. And I notice a lot because I'm talking from the standpoint of more of a support person, you know, or just somebody in the room as a witness and not as a lost parent.
00:44:05
Speaker
And something I noticed a lot when I walk into a room or I'm talking to families is that their moms, their husbands, their partners, the non-birthing partner, their friends, they want to fix it for you. And I always try to tell them like, hey, they don't need you to fix it for them because they just need, you just need to be in it. You know what I mean? Just be a supportive person. Like you said, you just wanted that support and that's all they need to do. And I always tell them like, especially if it's in the moment, like, you don't necessarily have to be doing something to help them. Agreed.
00:44:34
Speaker
Yes. You're absolutely right. I think for me, it was a pivotal point in our relationship because, you know, get into his personal, but he had been through many losses. And I think that for him, being Puerto Rican, being the male of the house, I think for his family, like they always depended on him and to fix things. And I think that he automatically took that role with me. And here I'm a very independent, even though we've been together for many years, I'm very independent person, you know? So it's like, even though, yes, we're a couple,
00:45:03
Speaker
I would never expect. When he said it, it was such a relief for me to be able to, A, I do have somebody that really cares enough. It's crazy because I think that was, again, a pivotal point in our relationship, but then after the loss. Because I think that couples can seem, oh, we love the line till death do us part and sickness and health. But I think until you've gone through something so tragic or when somebody's really sick, until you actually go through that to see if you can weather the storm with them,
00:45:32
Speaker
It helped me also to relieve him to say, honey, I don't need you to fix me. I just need you to be there for me and to listen to me. And I think I took a little of the pressure off of him because I do think he really was trying to figure out how to fix me, physically patch me back up. Well, that's because you guys took the time to have these conversations. You had that conversation. Look, there's something here. We need to fix it. Yeah.
00:45:56
Speaker
Yeah, and but thank you Desiree for, you know, bringing that up because it makes me feel good. Because again, like, I think sharing my story, it makes me feel a feel good to know that I'm not the only one. And then be to be able to share with other people so they know that these are, you know, every brief story is different. But if I can help another couple or a mother,
00:46:18
Speaker
that might be experiencing those things deviates them be like okay that's like normal for like a normal for them that makes me feel good and uh so the way i honor them as far as my little cherubs and my as i used to call my little rascals i still call my little rascals well one alex got a tattoo with their little
00:46:35
Speaker
footprints. Obviously I go see them at the graveyard all the time. We always make sure that we do like the rockin' walks and the December remembrance, I think the holidays. Some of the things that are very still challenging though is grief. Like if there's words of advice or like things that I can share with other Los
00:46:54
Speaker
Parents is like, grief is crazy. You could be fine for a month, and then something trigger you, and then you feel like you're in that well of grief, that feeling of sadness that you thought you were over, it hits you. I know the holidays that are coming up, like Christmas doesn't bother me as much, but it's always Halloween. That makes me get incredibly, I feel, I can actually start in the field of anxiety now. I thought it was because of this new school year jitters, because I'm a teacher, but it's not. I'm already trying to get ahead of the game, like, what am I going to address the kids, my current children?
00:47:23
Speaker
You know, what am I going to dress them as? But I think it's also the anxiety of knowing because I kept thinking when I was pregnant with Atticus and Violet, I was like, Oh, they're going to be born in September. You know, that was my biggest thing as a mom, like if they, Oh my God, two of them and getting to take them out for Halloween. And I remember after I lost them and that first Halloween.
00:47:42
Speaker
It was so triggering seeing everybody with their kids dressed up. Oh my God. And it still is a difficult season for me when it, when it comes to that, it's very triggering. You know, what's crazy is a lot of our families in group Halloween is a big one for a lot of people. I don't know if it's, yeah. Yes. We hear it so often. Like that's one of the hardest holidays. Like you said that Christmas, you love Christmas. You of course you miss them at Christmas or Thanksgiving, but I think it's because it's that, that holiday is.
00:48:08
Speaker
for kids. It's not for the kids. So yeah, you really do look forward to it. I could see you like, you know, planning their little costumes to match each other. I would say after the first year of being with my grief counselor, then I realized I was kind of like on the outs with her. She was phenomenal. But I felt like I changed because I think that what happens is when you reach that first year milestone, like everybody thinks, okay,
00:48:31
Speaker
they're done you reached a year you've more than a year it's over yeah that's how i know you know and i felt like and and what's sad is like the first four months five months six months you know people are still. Talking kinda to you or but after year it's like.
00:48:47
Speaker
saying their name out loud. Islam was like, I don't want to say taboo, but it's like, you don't want to make people uncomfortable. So finally, that's when I started reaching out to a friend who I knew was coming to the support groups. And I thought now I think I'm ready to be around people to understand because I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like why am I still feeling like a gaping hole in my chest?
00:49:08
Speaker
So calling to group was very eye-opening. It was, you know, so I always, that's another word of advice to anyone that like when you're ready, because I never want anybody to feel like you have to just, there's some people that want to do it right away because they want to be, they want to feel like, you know, they have somebody that understands. For me, it took me a good year before I felt like I was comfortable enough to share with people my story and be around other people that I've gone through what I've gone through.
00:49:35
Speaker
then that's where I learned a lot too, like just knowing that yeah, grief is a roller coaster that everybody grieves different and that it's not one of these things just stops after a year, you know that it's been what now six years, six seven years since I've lost them and I get through waves. I have now three children since losing
00:49:55
Speaker
you know, Atticus and Violet. I had my rainbow baby in 2019. He was kind of like a traumatic way, you know, I brought him in, came five weeks early, but he's here and he's healthy. But then, you know, I'm coming full circle, because I want people to understand, I think this is another, it was the last thing that I want to give is people hope.
A New Hope
00:50:14
Speaker
So after I had my rainbow baby Achilles, you know, I thought, okay, I'm almost 40. He was a very traumatic birth. I thought I was maybe just happy just to have him. But then I thought,
00:50:23
Speaker
What if he's almost two now, should I try for one more? Because there's such a big gap between him and his older brother, my stepson. It was like a 20 year, almost a 20 year age gap. So I thought to myself, maybe try for one more. So it was right around COVID time. I said, you know what, let me go get checked up. I went back to the fertility doctor and he's like, all right, let's run some tests.
00:50:45
Speaker
I said, just to see how my body did, because remember I had scar tissue from when they had to go in there and everything. So I did all this tests and I'll never forget that day because I thought to myself, we had to do a virtual thing. So he goes, well, he's like, I have some bad news. I said, okay. And he's like, you have an infection in your uterus and there's definitely still scar tissue in your uterus. And then three, you have hyperplasia, which is like precancerous cells.
00:51:13
Speaker
Um, so it's like, I didn't have cancer, but basically like if they don't take care of it, that it could develop into it. And I never forget, I got very emotional and on that call and I said, I don't think I told you this, but I said, I was still wishy washy on whether I wanted to move forward with having another baby.
00:51:28
Speaker
I said I think this is what I needed and he goes what for what to go forward with it or to go backwards I said to go forward I said because this could be my last shot I said I have always had doctors tell me you have positive variant syndrome could be looking at early hysterectomies like at 35 anywhere between 35 years old and older you know like I could be
00:51:47
Speaker
because it's just something that happens where this is like a common thing. So it felt like almost like this was a now or never kind of situation. So I said, what can we do to fix it? He said, well, he's like, one, I'm going to put you on some medicine to get the infection cleaned up. Two, I think it's better to go back in and do this surgery where we clean you out again, go in and kind of cut the scar tissue and fingers crossed you won't need a balloon catheter because the last time I actually had to get a balloon catheter put in.
00:52:12
Speaker
So we went forward with it. Surgery went beautiful, all healed up. And I decided, you know, I said, let's do this. Like, let's do it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that really would end up being pregnant with twins again. Let me tell people now that when I was trying to get pregnant with Achilles, all I kept thinking was how much I wanted to be pregnant with twins again.
00:52:34
Speaker
literally just was obsessing over it. Obviously, when I got pregnant with Achilles, that went away thought, No, this is exactly what I need is one baby. What was I thinking? But I guess it was just that wishful thinking that feeling of wanting to fix it. I don't know, like fix the situation. I don't know. Like, I mean, I lost them. There's no bringing them wanting what you lost. Yeah. Yeah. There's no bringing them back. There's only one Atticus and violet. Yes. But you know, it's a weird thing that your brain processes.
00:52:59
Speaker
So I was over that. I really was. Like I really, by the time I got pregnant with my second pregnancy, I mean third, I should say, after Achilles, I thought I was thinking, okay, you know what, it is what it is. So the weekend before I did the ultrasound, so I knew I was pregnant, right, fertility, blah, blah, blah, took the pregnancy test at home, went in for the blood test, they confirmed, they said, all right, another week, come to us and we'll do an ultrasound.
00:53:22
Speaker
That weekend before I was making eggs, two yolks came out of one egg. I looked down at the frying pan and I said, yeah, this is not, don't look at, cause I'm all about signs. I'm all about signs. I'm very like, and I thought, no way, Mia don't think too deep into it. Okay.
00:53:42
Speaker
Well, I went in, and of course, ultrasound by myself. Again, wasn't thinking nothing, right? Alex was working, been through this rodeo, like I'm good. Yeah, now went in there and darned if there was two. And I remember bawling my eyes out and it wasn't in happiness. I'm going to be honest with everybody. I'm being very transparent. It's very emotional.
00:54:04
Speaker
I laugh, but I still to this day get goosebumps and I get choked up because I remember breaking down in that office and the doctor literally telling me, Mia, it's going to be okay. And that's the worst thing you really could hear, right? Because we all know what could happen.
00:54:21
Speaker
He was like, I think he just was shocked. But he was he knew me then we were very frank with each other. And he's like, man, you are wise, you have experience, you're being monitored, you're going to be fine. Like, there's no reason why you can't do this. And so I remember crying the whole way home. And I'm thinking, how am I going to tell Alex, right? You know, because of course, I tell my mom first. And I just remember feeling almost like a death sentence. It almost felt like a death sentence.
00:54:46
Speaker
then happiness and i remember being very angry at god i just said how could you do this to me i'm gonna survive this and go through this again because again it wasn't like kelly's pregnancy was like perfect like he came five weeks early so automatically in my brain i'm thinking they're gonna come early so i'm not even gonna make it to the finish line
00:55:04
Speaker
So it was a rough, once I got my brain wrapped around having them and I think around the nine week mark, actually we had a very tragic, where I started bleeding and Alex had to leave work and rush me to the hospital. By the way, I probably should have noted that we went to a completely different hospital and I love my high risk doctor.
00:55:24
Speaker
from both Achilles' pregnancy and same doctor. That's when it hit me. It's those weird hit me moments. Just like when I told you that time when I said, I don't want to die. This was like, I don't want to lose them. I remember bleeding, hemorrhaging, thinking I was losing them while we get up there. And it was at the time when
00:55:42
Speaker
the COVID, so the restrictions. So he got me to the emergency room because I was too early to go to OB, the triage. And I remember him walking me in and they said, he's got to leave. And I remember sitting there literally in the emergency room, just sitting there in a wheelchair and him having to walk out the door and he's, I'm just going to stay outside. I was like, no, I could be hours. You know, like I made him go home, but of course I'm like crying. And I remember going in the back when they finally got me in the back and the girl told me to
00:56:12
Speaker
to pee in the cup. Well, when she left and I started peeing in the cup, I felt, I'm sorry about TMI, I felt something in a plop. Again, thinking, oh my God. So I literally thought I lost a baby. I know that sounds crazy, but I was like, oh my God. And of course I'm thinking to myself, me, I look back and think, me, you're only nine weeks, so you ain't going to feel a plop. But there was something in there. And here it was a blood clot. Listen, I laugh now, but it was like a clot. It's scary. Yeah. And I didn't know if I had lost him at that point.
00:56:41
Speaker
So it wasn't until I had gotten, because of course then I'm crying, the nurse comes in, I was like, I don't know what's in this cup, but don't you see something in this cup? And she's like, okay, just calm down. When they made me go for an ultrasound, and what's so messed up, it's not messed up, but the lady goes, she's like, oh, yeah, and this one, you know, look at that, that one move in and I'm moving.
00:57:01
Speaker
and then she realized she was wait a minute you thought they were dead and i said yes i said so i'm bawling now in happiness she's like oh my god let me show you you know they're all just they're not really supposed to like give me information but she knew i was literally yeah so she turns the screen and she's like look they're fine look they're heartbeats and i mean to tell you like i
00:57:22
Speaker
was like, I couldn't believe it. So we end up we end up being told what it is is that there it's I forget what they call it because something hemorrhage where scent is attached. And sometimes like, it gets like, these bleeds, you know what I mean? And like I had must have like I said, even that whatever that clot was, or whatever that was like, whatever tissue, I don't even know. And it's completely like normal that sometimes that happens. But of course, you know, with my previous trauma, I'm thinking automatically,
00:57:49
Speaker
But that moment was when I realized I don't want to lose them and I'm going to fight like hell, excuse my language, but fight like hell to make sure that I get these babies to the finish line. And listen, I'm not going to get into everything but 38 weeks.
00:58:05
Speaker
38 weeks made to the c-section date, you know, pretty textbook pregnancy. I mean, aside from, you know, obviously I was seeing the high risk doctor was a hospital stay eventually, but there was I didn't care. I took all that in stride and never complained. And I got them there and I got to see my babies. And one thing I will say is that, and of course, learning that they were both a boy and a girl, I feel like, I mean, goosebumps, I would
00:58:33
Speaker
again, be lying to myself. I didn't say that when I found these things out as I kept going like, Oh, you're also having another boy and a girl. Like what? Like I kept saying that there was these mine Fs skewing again skewing mine Fs like is really somebody doing this. And I think what really helped me also change my perspective was my my mom round well before 20 weeks. My mom says and she's still to this day,
00:58:58
Speaker
says that she was visited by Atticus and Violet. She said she was in the shower. She said she thought she heard a voice and she said that she'd opened the shower thing and she's looking around and she's like, I don't know, maybe I'm losing my mind. And she said, then there was a light and she said, and it felt like almost like an out of body experience. And she said,
00:59:17
Speaker
that she heard these little voices and saw these two lights. And she said that they said that they were going to be watching out, that she sent them Atticus. I mean, she sent them Wolf and Wolfgang and Imogen. They're my twins now, Wolf and Immy. And there was going to be a boy and a girl and that they're going to be looking out for me. And my mom
00:59:39
Speaker
would I have this in writing like she wrote me that and she would tell me she don't want to scare you Mia she's like because I know you're like ultra have to be ultra focused and all but I'm telling you she's you're gonna have a boy and a girl and you're gonna make it to the finish line and that's right this was before nine weeks this was right before I went into the hospital because she
00:59:56
Speaker
kept saying, there's no way you're going to lose those babies. She's like, she kept telling me as I was leaving. And she's like, there's no way man, because they told me, they told me that you're going to make it and you're going to have a boy and a girl. And I kept saying, okay, you know, of course, I'm like, all right, mom, be quiet, you know, like, cuz I don't want to hear this, you know, even afterwards, like, she goes, Look, I told you, didn't I tell you, you know, so every time, like, like, these moments throughout the pregnancy, we're like scared, because me, you're gonna make it because I because they wouldn't, they wouldn't lie to me.
01:00:24
Speaker
And she even to this day, she keeps saying like, she's like, you know, like she's that's going to be her greatest thing is when she goes to heaven, I've been emotional, and she gets to see them again. You know, I'm such a good mom. Oh, I can't tell you enough that having a support group support people, not just a group that you go to, but like having people that really
01:00:43
Speaker
you know understand and go through that with you and my mother my parents but yeah now i have the three beautiful children i have these twins and i think that reason why i wanted to share that story is not just to give people hope but also to you know that even with how happy i am
01:01:00
Speaker
to have and be grateful that I am to have Wolf and Emmy with me, it's still triggering. Because all the things I get to experience with Wolf and Emmy, I think about Atticus and Violet. And I kept thinking to myself, like, you know, so even though I'm excited, you know, you know, I get excited for the holidays and now I, oh, look, I get the, you know, people are thinking, probably think, oh, well, look, now you have twins and you can do the things you didn't get to do with, you know, Atticus and Violet. It's not the same because they're not the same babies, but
01:01:30
Speaker
Yes, I do try to be happy. I mean, it's not that I try to be happy. I am very happy. But there is always going to be that sense of loss because they're my first babies. And I will say that I also go back and forth and think to myself that if I hadn't lost Atticus and Violet, then I wouldn't have Achilles and I wouldn't have Wolfen in
Balancing Joy and Grief
01:01:49
Speaker
me. And of course, having them here with me now, I can't even think about living without them.
01:01:54
Speaker
So I always feel like it's hard that those things that are playing repeat in your mind. And I think that's all normal. I mean, there's no better way to say other than that, that these are just the things that we're going to as parents, as moms, the people who lost that you think
01:02:09
Speaker
and it's okay. There's because you're never going to really get an answer. You know what I mean? You're never going to. The only thing you can do is just try to process and try to live the best that you can with what you've learned and be able to spread that that knowledge to other people so they know that they're not going crazy because of course I wish I had in the beginning somebody that I really could you could have you know what I mean? I kind of felt like I learned things as I went and then finally after a good year and being with my you guys were like a godsend
01:02:36
Speaker
Being able to be with you guys and learning everybody's stories and knowing you're not crazy. Oh my God, that's such a relief to know that a lot of the same things I was feeling inside other moms and dads were feeling. But I just appreciate having this platform to share my story. That's my little rascals. Thank you so much for being here and sharing your story of your little rascals with us.
01:02:59
Speaker
Yeah, thank you so much. They're here with me today. I know that they are. I think that, you know, I had a lot of anxiety going into it, but I love talking about them. Last thing I want to say is that I forget there was something, I think there was a question of like, what's one thing that's really hard and it's not hearing their names?
01:03:21
Speaker
You know, like, first, like I said, first six months, okay, people are still receptive, you talking about them, but, you know, not being really able to talk about them so freely because or else people are gonna look at you like, all right, you know, especially as we're getting into the five year, six year anniversary. Word of advice to other people, letting, you know, talking to other parent, the parents that have lost, don't think that you're triggering them. You know, I did have a couple of co-workers
01:03:49
Speaker
that still to this day have no problem like specially around that time they know like don't say oh you know those are start talking or say i thought about a kiss the other day i thought about violet i saw a flower i thought about violet like those are the moments that like really warm my heart because i don't get to hear my kids name.
01:04:08
Speaker
aside from that. And I'll never forget Atticus is a famous from To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch. And I'll never forget one time walking into a ninth grade teacher, she's since retired, but she had she was teaching To Kill a Mockingbird and Atticus was like literally the name was on her board. And I almost I tried not to like respond to it because I was my heart melted. And then later I told her after I left because I didn't want to like get emotional. I said I just want you to know I know you didn't do it intentional.
01:04:35
Speaker
but seeing Atticus's name on the board like got me really excited. And she goes, Oh my God, I wish you would have said something. So yeah, just little things like that you don't realize really mean a lot. Yeah, it is. It is hard not to hear I agree not to hear their names anymore. You don't want to forget them. But like you said, the world is moving on and you don't want to bring it up and make people sad either. So it's like, yeah. Yeah, but I say it all the time. It's really hard for some for like,
01:05:01
Speaker
I think it is good to keep sharing. Like even if it's five years, if it's 10 years, I still love my family. And every year their son would be, they're one of my first families that I supported. And their son would be, I want to say 13. And every year they do something, you know, and tell his story again. It doesn't even have to be a year. It could just be like, you're thinking about them and you want to share with everybody else. Like it's, it would be probably their first year of kindergarten this
Shared Experiences and Connections
01:05:23
Speaker
year. Yeah. So it's like, even those kinds of things, like that could also be in your mind and you're not even realizing it. But even if you share it, I like when people share about their babies and like,
01:05:32
Speaker
Not that I like that you're missing these things, but that when you share, it gives me a chance to say, hey, I do still think about them too, or I still think about you. You're in my heart because you don't really realize that people are thinking about you. Oh, agreed. Yeah. I love that, and it is. It's beautiful. That's why I also want to say that it's not always the fault of the other person. It's that they sometimes don't know. I mean, that's why I think we need this. We need these podcasts. We need these open dialogue because
01:05:59
Speaker
because I think the problem is that pregnancy loss is so taboo and that people that have not experienced a loss, they're scared to say anything. They're worried. They're like, well, I don't want to trigger this person. I think a lot of times it's usually the opposite that sometimes we feel uncomfortable because we don't want to be like, oh, are they going to start talking about their kid again?
01:06:18
Speaker
And, um, and you're absolutely right. Like I'm very good at what I call, um, what is it called? Um, part, mentalizing, you know, like I can be, I could go to work, you know, cause my job is working with kids and I go there and I act like I'm the happiest person in the world, but I can have a million things going on, but it doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about, you know what I mean? And like, or, or, and that's the whole thing. Like I can go through periods of time where I'm not on social media or blasting.
01:06:45
Speaker
how much I miss them, but there's not a day that goes by that. I mean, I have reminders, daily reminders with my current twins every day. And I keep thinking, what if Atticus, is this what Atticus would look like? Would this be what my daughter's violet look
Honoring All Children
01:06:58
Speaker
like? I think about that all the time. And especially now you're right with Achilles.
01:07:02
Speaker
Achilles is going to preschool. So it's like, and I think to myself, Oh my God, like, you know, they would be probably there would be in first grade. So those are all the things that I mean, it's very triggering. It's very rewarding, you know, getting to see my current children, but knowing that, you know, I can file it.
01:07:17
Speaker
that they would be literally little first graders and wondering what their little voices sound like. These are all things that like, you know, they just doesn't go away. And that makes me feel good to know Desiree that, you know, yes, you're right, that other people could be thinking, you know, like about my babies or something. I think they definitely are. Listen, if we talk about our kids, you can talk about your kids, whether they're here or not. You know what I mean? You have to listen to us talk about our kids.
01:07:41
Speaker
Well at one thing i will say that i did this year is i'm teaching eleven graders this year so i'm finding back to the high school and one thing i did do is when i made my about your teacher powerpoint i put for children actually included all of them i i didn't i just put like add a kiss and violet.
01:07:58
Speaker
and I just put in heaven or I forget how I put it but it was my first time like I've been very open with students not you know like depending on the class like I don't share like go bleeding heart because you know I was working in the middle school and I don't want to share you know make anybody know those kids cry
01:08:15
Speaker
But i also know the kids are a lot more smarter and more resilient than people lead on
Transparency and Trust in Teaching
01:08:20
Speaker
and so i like to share that i've been through a loss but with my 11th graders i just i wanted to also include them because it feels weird that's that weird question how many kids you have well really you know i have this many but
01:08:34
Speaker
So I just said, you know what, no, I'm going to put what's in my heart. I have, you know, they're just not here on earth. And so I'm not going to get into the big story, but I'll tell them one day I'll share with them if they want to later want to know. But it felt good. It felt right, finally, to include that because that is a question when random people say, yeah, how many kids you have? And then you have that awkwardness like, okay, what do I say?
01:08:55
Speaker
No, you might actually they're like, you might affect one person very greatly just by doing that little thing that might be your kids like giving you that push to do that because you said, you know, it's just the first year I really felt like you could but those are some really, that's a cool age to teach 11th grade, you know, the high school kids are really, yeah, I'm gonna be excited to hear what comes from that because I feel like somebody's gonna share a story with you that they would not have necessarily shared or just needs to hear that. Yeah. Yeah.
01:09:20
Speaker
Well, I'm a big proponent of being pretty transparent with the way I teach anyway. And I do feel like with the type of kids that we have, even though, you know, yes, you also have to be very professional. So like I said, I don't think I'd like just straight up be like, yes, this is what happened. But as we established the relationship and the trust,
01:09:37
Speaker
I think that, you know, it's something that is showing that like, you know, yes, I'm a professional, but guess what? I'm also a human being and I know what loss is. And I do feel that it does help make that connection with kids because you know, kids go through a lot of stuff that, you know, they might be scared to talk about. And then when they have that person that they feel like they can connect with and it kind of opens up that trust factor between them. So yeah, you know, that's really, really cool. That's my favorite. I love that. Yeah, really cool. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being here today with us.
01:10:05
Speaker
Thank you so much for being here and sharing your story of your little rascals with us.
Engagement and Community
01:10:10
Speaker
If you want to send some love to Mia and her beautiful family, comment on her episode at our website, www.theblindsided.com or on our Facebook page at facebook.com slash the blindsided. Thank you for listening. We'll see you on our next episode.
01:10:27
Speaker
Thank you so much for tuning into the latest episode of The Blindsided Podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at nicolewiththeblindsided.com or desiré at theblindsided.com.
01:10:46
Speaker
For more episodes, make sure to follow on your favorite podcast app. Just search the blindsided podcast and hit that follow button. You can also connect with us on social media too. You can find us on Facebook and Instagram at the blindsided podcast. We love engaging with our listeners and hearing your thoughts on each episode.
01:11:04
Speaker
And before you go, consider leaving a rating and review for our show. Your feedback helps us reach more listeners who might find value in the stories and discussions we share. Once again, thank you for listening and being a part of the Blindsided community.