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Aria Lorelei
84 Plays1 year ago
Brittney Basquez will be sharing the story of her daughter Aria with us. Brittney is a stay-at-home mom living in South Jersey with her son, daughter and fiance'.
She lost her daughter Aria, at 20 weeks 6 days gestation on April 27, 2021. After a very complicated pregnancy with her son, who was born with some medical issues, Brittney was nervous to be pregnant again. She was worried something could go wrong. Besides some spotting occurred around 16 weeks, her pregnancy proceeded as normal. Finally at 19 weeks, Brittney felt like they could share the news of her pregnancy with family and friends!
Unfortunately things took a turn for the worse and Aria's birth story began on April 25th, which was also Brittney's son's second birthday. She was actually attending a baby shower and had to leave and head to the hospital after speaking to her midwife. Testing confirmed that her water had broken and her daughter would most likely be born. After 2 days of monitoring in the high-risk floor of the hospital, Brittney began to pass blood clots, which was the first sign she was going into labor.
Aria was soon born sleeping on April 27th, 2021, into the arms of her loving parents.She was fortunate enough to be surrounded by her fiancé, a caring hospital staff, a professional bereavement counselor and best of all, her wonderful Obstetrician (who also delivered her!). Since then, Brittney and her fiancé have welcomed their rainbow baby, Eliana Hope, into the world. They feel as though she was definitely a gift from her sister in Heaven, and she has brought a lot of healing to her family. This is Brittney's first time talking about Aria and sharing her story publicly.
Thank you so much for giving the Blindsided Podcast that honor!
You can see more photos of Brittney and her family on our website at www.theblindsided.com
If you would like to share your own personal story, please email us at storyteller@theblindsided.com
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Transcript
Introduction to Blindsided Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree. We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies.
00:00:23
Speaker
We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast. We're your hosts, Nicole and Desiree.
Meet Brittany and Her Family
00:00:47
Speaker
Hi.
00:00:49
Speaker
Today, we are here with Brittany, a lost mom who was local to us in New Jersey. She's going to share the story of her daughter, Aria, with us. Hi, Brittany. How are you? I'm good. How are you guys? Great. Really good. So, Brittany, can you tell the listeners a little bit about yourself? Yeah, I'm 32 years old, born and raised in New Jersey. I have two kids, and then I have my angel baby, Aria, which you guys know about.
00:01:17
Speaker
Also, I've been in a relationship long term with somebody for about 11 years now. I'm going strong. He's my best friend. So it's yeah, I'm one of five. So I have a really good, you know, family based lifestyle. So that's awesome. Yeah.
00:01:36
Speaker
Do you guys see yourselves getting married? It's funny because we are engaged. Like I've had it for a while now, but we have not been like discussing like, you know, the actual wedding or anything like that. It's just been one thing after another with the event. We haven't even had time for ourselves lately with the kids and stuff. So I like to down the road eventually. And are you working anywhere or no?
00:02:06
Speaker
No, I'm a mom right now. Yeah. Well, you're working, but not outside of the house. Yeah. It's hard work. It is.
The Surprise Pregnancy with Aria
00:02:15
Speaker
It is. Can you tell us about your pregnancy journey with Aria? Yeah. With Aria, a lot of her pregnancy like reflected a lot on my first. I struggled a lot with my first pregnancy with my son. So with her, it was
00:02:33
Speaker
It was unexpected. Like it wasn't planned. It wasn't something that, you know, we were like, Oh yeah, let's have another baby. Because my, my first pregnancy with my son, it was just really rough. You know, it was just like a turn of events. One after another. It was one of those things where we weren't sure what was going to happen. So with her, it was like one of those things where like, I didn't tell a lot of people, I didn't let people know that I was pregnant with her.
00:02:59
Speaker
It wasn't so much like a struggle with the pregnancy itself. It was pretty easy going for the most part until I was probably about maybe 15, 16 weeks in. I remember, you know, going to the bathroom and I remember there was like a little bit of spotting and I remember telling, you know, my sister, like, I don't know what to do. Like, I only have like a little bit of spotting. It's not like dramatic. Like it's not like I'm bleeding a lot, but
00:03:28
Speaker
You know, it was one of those things where I wasn't sure what to do because this was like something that I've never.
00:03:34
Speaker
had happened, especially with my first. He just had like a lot of health issues. So with her, it was more of less like I was afraid that she would have some issues along the way. But I mean, it was easy going. It was easy going pregnancy. It was just one of those things where like, you know, I didn't let anybody know. I was just really scared to let anybody know and let my guard down. So I like things private for a while.
00:04:02
Speaker
Yeah. Um, so it, I mean, it wasn't, it wasn't hard. Like, it was just one of those things where I was just very nervous and stressed out during my pregnancy. Yeah. When you had this spotting at 15 to 16 weeks, did like, was everything okay after that or spotting, um, for like maybe a couple hours. And like, I let my guy know, no, he says that does happen. You know, it's one of those, you know, it's normal.
00:04:32
Speaker
If I keep, you know, if I do have some like heavy bleeding, then yeah, come in right away. Um, with her, my pregnancy with her, I switched a lot of things up. Like, um, I ended up like changing my gyno. I ended up changing, you know, where I went for, you know, like my maternal fetal medicine stuff. So it definitely opened my eyes with her with like this pregnancy that, you know, I, I didn't know with my son, you know what I mean? Yeah.
00:05:01
Speaker
Did you switch because of the experience that you had with being, when you were pregnant with your son? Okay. Oh yeah. Yeah. I felt like there wasn't a lot of like, you know, bedside manners when it came to MFM. And I just felt like, you know,
00:05:16
Speaker
The way things were broken down to me with him, it was just, you know, it, it wasn't easy. Like, you know, they would tell me things, you know, like, um, there's a possibility that, you know, there might be an extra chromosome issue because your son has this wrong with him. And he has this wrong with him. And because he was born with a hyposplasia long and he was also born with a BSD, ASD.
00:05:40
Speaker
which we only knew about the VSD ASD when I was pregnant. We didn't know. So it was just one of those things where it was like his his pregnancy with him was just very traumatic. So it played a lot to hers. Yeah. Was something I
Keeping the Pregnancy Private
00:05:54
Speaker
wasn't ready for. And then like I was very scared, very, very unsure of like what was going to come of it.
00:06:02
Speaker
That is super scary after you experienced that with your son. Like he's born and there's, you know, you're told there's something wrong with him and then he's born and then there's other things, you know? Like by the time I did announce things, cause like my, my journey with Aria was kind of short-lived. I like to say it was, you know, I had her, um, a day shy of 21 weeks. So I want to say that like,
00:06:30
Speaker
I announced my pregnancy with her finally around 19 weeks. I got my ultrasound from MFM and they only got this one picture of her, just one, just one picture. She was cooperative during that, which was crazy because she moved all the time.
00:06:51
Speaker
blew up with her. Like I was so much bigger with her than I was with my son. So you definitely knew by like, you know, 15 weeks that I was definitely carrying a baby in there. So with her, it was, you know, one of those things where like, you know, I wish I did more like, you know, I wish I did have a gender reveal. I wish I did have, you know, this and that done. And, you know, I wish I did go and get 3D ultrasounds and all that. But it was just one of those things where like you
00:07:21
Speaker
You don't know. You didn't expect it. You didn't plan it. You know what I mean? A lot of things that I missed out on with her that I wish I could go back and had more. Yeah. So what led up to her birth? What happened? So you guys are going to think this is so crazy. So it's the 25th of April. I remember it's a Sunday. My sister-in-law has a baby shower.
00:07:49
Speaker
You know, my brother's having a baby. They're, they're due in June. I was supposed to be due in September with Aria and I remember, you know, I was a little upset because it was all my son's birthday that, you know,
00:08:03
Speaker
They were having a baby shower and, you know, kind of postponed my son's birthday for that. And I go to the baby shower. I just remember feeling like off, not like pregnancy wise, just not feeling myself. I don't like more like depressed or just, you know, disappointed or upset. I just I just remember not feeling myself. I remember, you know,
00:08:25
Speaker
sitting on the back and like I remember everybody coming up to me and you know rubbing my belly and asking me how I've been and you know I tell them I'm doing good and all that stuff and I just remember having like this urge of like having to go to the bathroom like it was just one of those things where like you didn't feel the urge of having to pee but like
00:08:45
Speaker
you felt it like come through. Just like, uh-oh. Like, did I just pee myself? Like, oh my God, what's going on? So I ran away at them because there's like 50 people there at my sister's house with this baby shower is. And I remember going to the bathroom and I remember like a burst of water just coming out. And I'm just like, what is that? Like I did not even drink that much for all of this to be flowing out of me.
00:09:12
Speaker
So I just remember going to my sister and I'm just like, hey, listen, I don't feel right. I just almost had an accident. I'm just going to head out. And I remember her telling me, all right, let me know how you feel later. Just keep me posted. Because I let her know. I hope it wasn't anything. But I feel like I peed myself. But I didn't have that urge of peeing. And she was OK. So I remember my.
00:09:43
Speaker
my boyfriend's mom coming to pick us up and it was always just me because my son was home with him
Hospital Visit and Early Labor Concerns
00:09:49
Speaker
and I spent his birthday with him so um I remember her coming to pick me up and I just remember like having the urge again like that it just came like I just felt it and I'm just like oh my god like what is going on so I remember getting in the car with her and I remember telling her like I feel like
00:10:06
Speaker
I feel like I'm going to pee myself. And it wasn't just because I felt it, it was more of less like I knew I was having these bursts of water just coming out. Something is not right. There's too much water coming out and I didn't even have that much to drink. I remember calling her.
00:10:25
Speaker
she's like listen you need to call the OB and tell them what is going on because you know if everything happened with your first pregnancy and so forth you weren't full term with him like you need to let them know so I remember it was Sunday so my OB wasn't in and I remember talking to the midwife and she was great Jen was great um she was amazing she ended up asking me a few questions she was like hey
00:10:49
Speaker
She was like, what's going on? I told her like I was just having like these sensations of like, you know, water coming out. I know I did not drink and, you know, you're any it's not like pee water. It's like clear water. And she was like, you know, when did you have your son? And I said, I told her, you know, I had him at 34 weeks.
00:11:10
Speaker
you know we've had like a couple complications you know but i had him vaginally at 34 and she was like okay she's like um you're gonna have to come in she's like i think i i need you to come in because you were full term with your last i need you to come in right away so with her like like i could feel like kind of almost like a panic in her voice like yeah something to play around with i was just like oh my god like okay so i just started panicking and i just remember like
00:11:39
Speaker
You know, men, I feel like men don't really get the concept like of like the serious seriousness behind because Dalton's like, Oh, just hold her in there. She'll be all right. Just, just keep her in, keep her as long as possible. And I'm like, no, like you don't understand. Like this could be my water. Like my water broke. And he's like, now, now like stay positive, stay calm. It's okay. Just make sure, you know,
00:12:03
Speaker
you don't go into labor kind of thing because you're all stressed out. So I'm like, you don't understand. So my sister ended up rushing over because I called her and I was like, she told me to come into like ASAP. I remember rushing over and I remember, um, just panicking the whole way, like just feeling like nervous and just scared and like not knowing, but like kind of knowing in the back of my head, like something isn't right.
00:12:28
Speaker
Like this isn't normal. And I get there and I just remember them like just kind of like taking their time and, you know, taking my name and writing down what's going on. And I just felt like they didn't take it very serious. Like, I don't know. Is the situations like that? Is it the hospital or? The hospital. OK. I felt like, you know, they just kind of like were like just not in a rush to get me back there.
00:12:57
Speaker
So I was just like, you know what, whatever. I'm just sitting there. I'm in a panic. My sister's with me. Um, she's like, hello. You know, she's, she's scared right now. She's in tears. She's crying. Is anybody going to see her? Because like there was nobody there. There was like nobody in the waiting room or anything. And, um, finally they take me back and I just remember them, you know, telling me to, you know, change into the gown. I remember, you know,
00:13:23
Speaker
still having a whole bunch of stuff coming out of me. I'm just like going on. But in the back of my head, like I, I knew, I felt like I knew that it was my water. So it just, it was one of those things that like, I just felt like even the doctor, like when she came to examine me, they, you know, they, they found the heartbeat, which they put on the thing, the monitor for the heartbeat. And I'm sitting there and I'm waiting and I couldn't have anything to drink or anything. So here I'm like dehydrated and thirsty and my eyes
00:13:53
Speaker
point. And um, I remember the doctor coming in and she's like, okay, we're just going to examine you real quick and we're going to check to see, you know, if it's urine or if it's amionic fluid, if, you know, what's going on. So I was like, okay. The minute she opened up my legs, she was like, yeah, that's not, that's not pee. That's, that's definitely amionic fluid coming out of you. The words, like your options came out of her mouth and I was just like, I was sitting in tears.
00:14:23
Speaker
Yeah how could you hear anything after that? Telling me like these are your options and I'm just like my option what do you mean my options like my options like what are my options because like I just felt like you know at that point it was just like reassuring that like reassuring me that like you know you're not going home today and there's a possibility that like you're not going to be going home with your baby.
00:14:46
Speaker
and she was like listen she's like calm down calm down she said i've seen cases where people have stayed here till you know viability which is 24 weeks and i've seen people hold out strong and you have the option of you know giving birth here or you have an option of trying to hold on as far as you can get to week wise into you know making sure that you can make it to viability and see if she can make it
00:15:16
Speaker
that I just were thinking like I have almost four more weeks to go and I'm just like thinking in my head like I don't see that happening like what is going to like what is going to happen from there so I just felt like they were just trying to like sugarcoat things a little bit down there in the emergency room I just felt like they were just kind of like you know trying to like keep me calm but like also telling me things that
00:15:40
Speaker
in the scenario of things wasn't going to happen because like my midwife came upstairs probably about maybe four to five hours later after I got a room. And I just remember, you know, my sister ended up having to go back to the baby shower. So it was by myself. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So I was alone. Um, he was home with my son, you know, at this point it was COVID. So you can only have so many people in the hospital, like one person at a time. So he's home with my son.
00:16:08
Speaker
so he couldn't be up there so he's like facetiming me asking me what's going on and like I'm trying to explain to him this is what's happening and he's thinking like I can make it to viability and I'm just like there is no way like that's gonna happen like if almost like you know I don't start bleeding and because she explained to me you know if you start bleeding there's you know chance of infection there's gonna be all these things that could possibly happen within these four weeks if you were to try to wait and
00:16:36
Speaker
it's a good chance that that might happen. So my midlife comes up and you know I get off the phone with him and after explaining to him like what was going on like telling him like you know there's a good chance like that we're gonna end up having to like give birth to her. He wasn't really like getting it, he really wasn't understanding like why can't they stop it from happening like he didn't understand like once your water breaks like
00:17:00
Speaker
There's a chance of infection. There's for you and the baby. There's all these things that can occur that can be on the downside of it. I just remember my midwife coming in and she's like, hi. And I only talked to her over the phone. I've never seen her in person before. So when I saw her in person and I told her, I said, listen, I said, I know what the lady told me down there.
00:17:24
Speaker
But I explained to her what she had told me, you know, with making it to viability and stuff. And I said, Jen, I said, I really don't want to be told any like things that what would or what could happen. You know, I said, I just want everything to not be sugar coated and I want everything to be.
00:17:43
Speaker
how it could play out, like what could play out possibly. I said, don't want to be told things that, you know, aren't going to happen. And she's like, okay, she's like, you know, I'm going to be flat out. She's like, there's a high chance that since you're water broke, that you can get an infection and that the baby can get an infection. That if you do wait this out for viability, there's a chance for you
00:18:06
Speaker
and your baby to be at risk to die. And I'm thinking, oh great. She's like, and once you start bleeding, like that's the go to, to let us know like your body is going into labor. Like they're holding back at this point and we were going to, you're going to have to give birth. Like we are going to have to deliver the baby.
00:18:25
Speaker
She's very nice about it, and I appreciate her to this day for telling me, straight up, this is what it's gonna be. If your baby does make it to viability, I remember her telling me, if your baby does make it to viability, there's a chance that she's gonna be like your son, but she could be possibly a lot worse. She could be blind, she could be deaf, she could have all these problems if she was to make it to viability. But there's also a chance that she could be perfectly fine, she can make it through.
00:18:53
Speaker
you know she said I've seen and heard stories of babies kicking through and then I'm like you know thinking like okay so she said you you have time to think she said but I would not wait to make the decision of what you want to do if you want to wait this out or if you want to deliver her um but I would try to you know just address you know what could happen if you do try to wait it out that you know both of you guys will be at risk for
00:19:19
Speaker
Infection and all that and I just remember feeling like great like I have to make this decision What do you how do you make a decision? You know what I mean? Yeah vision of like delivering your baby when you know, she's not nearly Ready and then like I just felt like they're just asking me to like pretty much make that decision Get rid of my baby like, you know, and I just felt like that was just a hard decision to like rasp all together and
00:19:44
Speaker
Especially because she had a heartbeat, she was at that point safe. It's not a decision. I know what they're doing. They're trying to make it seem like you have a choice or options. But for the health of you and her future, it's not really a decision. Right. Right. And all these outcomes and all these possibilities and all that. I did sleep it over. I really didn't sleep at all that night. But I just remember the next morning, I remember going to the bathroom.
The Decision to Deliver
00:20:12
Speaker
And I remember like feeling like a size of like a golf ball come out. And I remember just looking down and seeing red everywhere. Oh no. Okay.
00:20:28
Speaker
So it's like almost like God made that decision for me. He was kind of like, listen, I can't put you through this right now. So at that point I ended up like, cause like I was just scared to move at that point. So I ended up pulling the string next to the toilet. I would have too. Yeah. So you were in the hospital still. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Good. They were keeping me. They ended up getting me a room and everything. You know what I mean?
00:20:50
Speaker
So like I was already up there when I talked to my midwife in the room and stuff, but she basically told me like everything that that lady told me in the ER was true pretty much. So like I just felt like she was sugarcoating everything down there in the ER and then Jen just broke it down to me like how it was supposed to be and how it might play out and what could possibly happen if it does. So I just felt like that was really respectful of her to do that because at that point, like I didn't want to hear anything other than, you know,
00:21:20
Speaker
what was gonna happen at that point because I just felt like if you give me hope and it doesn't happen, I'm just gonna feel some type of resentment and you know what I mean? So I just felt like I just needed to hear what it was gonna be. So at that point, I was freaking out. I pulled the string while I was there. All these nurses start rushing in and they're like, what's going on? What's going on? And I'm just like, I don't know what is in the toilet. And I'm like scared because I'm like, that was a big drop in the toilet.
00:21:50
Speaker
At that point, I didn't know the size of anything, so I just seen blood. Yeah, I said, I don't know what's going on. I'm just praying that nothing's going on with my baby. So when they did that, they put me back in the bed. They ended up putting the Doppler on me. They found the heartbeat war, so she was fine. And then I just remember them telling me it was blood clots that were coming out that were like the size of golf balls. And I'm like, oh my god.
00:22:16
Speaker
So they're like, basically your body's like, it's doing what it's supposed to, but it's definitely going into labor. Like you're definitely going to have to deliver this baby at this point. So the nurses were really nice. They ended up putting the Doppler on to listen for her. She was there. They ended up getting an ultrasound tech down.
00:22:35
Speaker
And I just remember like, at that point, like I remember my mom walking in, um, right before the ultrasound tech came in. And I just remember like thinking in my head, I'm going to see her through the ultrasound. And once I know that she's okay, like I'll be better, I'll be fine. Yeah. Trying like not to think of like, you know, what's to come. So here they ended up doing the ultrasound and, you know, I see her little hand and feet. And I just remember asking like the ultrasound tech, like if I could call
00:23:05
Speaker
You know, Dalton, my boyfriend, you know, my kid's father, if, you know, like I can call him to see her like sort of, you know, FaceTime. And I just remember her telling me like, no, we can't do that right now. And I don't know if it was because of like the circumstances of like the situation that I was in, like, God forbid, if like,
00:23:22
Speaker
you know, anything wasn't okay. I don't, I don't know. So I just like kind of respected her and like, I was like, you know, I get it, whatever. But I just felt like at the same time, like, this is my, this should be my last chance to see her through there. Yeah, I don't get it. Right. Like, I'm just like thinking, like, you know, this is my last time. Yeah. Last time. And like, I never been through, and I just remember my mom feeling some type of way. Like, I just remember her like getting this ultrasound tech, like a dirty look, like, you know,
00:23:53
Speaker
Like one of those outspoken people like, yeah, why can't she? And I just remember her just like being like, not standoffish to this ultra sound tech, but just like very stern with her, just like very short spoken with her and just very nasty with her. And I'm just like, mom, please, please don't make this harder than it has to be. Cause at that point I was just like, you know what, whatever. I was just like so upset with the turn of events that's already happened that I was just like, you know what, whatever.
00:24:21
Speaker
like it is what it is I mean what was the point of them doing the ultrasound if they didn't want her dad to see her or what was the point of it was it to give you memories or anything it was just to see what was going on in there okay how do you check for an abruption or something yeah see if there was any abruptions going on from all the bleeding okay I forget what they said it was for but I just remember they would just wanted to see what was really going on in there and I just remember if
00:24:48
Speaker
It being like, you know, you know how like the ultrasound is with like all the fluid, normal ultrasound. But this like, it was so dark. It was really kind of hard to see her. And it was just one of those things where I just remember like, this is going to be my last time seeing her.
Birth and Immediate Grief
00:25:04
Speaker
Like this might be my last time seeing her with a heartbeat. You know, it was just one of those things where I was just like taking every second in, but like at the same time, it was just like, I wish I would have said more.
00:25:17
Speaker
Like, I wish I would have gotten some pictures and...
00:25:20
Speaker
I wish it would have asked. I wish I would have like stood my ground a little bit more. Like you guys said, like I wish it would have did more to just be able to hold off those moments. I will tell you that, I mean, Nicole would know better than me, but I feel like it's in your medical record. Like they have to have, I feel like they had to have printed pictures and have her heartbeat stripped because I feel like you should at least get like the strip of her heartbeat. You could always get that put on a necklace, but just to have it, it's got to be in your medical records at the hospital.
00:25:47
Speaker
Yeah, so it's possible that you could still have that there like the previous because I remember going to like a place for her when I first found out that I was pregnant to get like clarification and like just make sure like see how far I was and stuff.
00:26:02
Speaker
I remember they ended up getting a lot of pictures of her, but she was only like 12 weeks at that time. I knew pretty early on when I was pregnant. I probably found out when I was pregnant with her about 8 weeks. I just knew. I just knew something wasn't right. I knew I was pregnant.
00:26:19
Speaker
But I had no idea she was a girl, so I just remember the excitement that we had that she was a girl and that we were going to have a boy and that we were going to have our girl. And we were just so happy that it was just going to turn out the way that we wanted it to. And I just remember that just being ripped away for me in a matter of seconds, in a matter of words. But yeah, I remember that ultrasound tactic. I just remember she was just very
00:26:46
Speaker
She was off to me. I just felt like the bedside manners weren't there. It was full. I just felt like nobody had any bedside manners. Nobody had any compassion at the time until of giving birth to her. So after that, I remember my mom asking me if Dalton was going to be up there. And I remember him wanting to come see me. But he couldn't bring my son with him. So I just remember he did have to go home.
00:27:16
Speaker
He did have to go back to taking care of him, but I'm pretty sure he spent the one night with me. In the span of when I went there, I went to the hospital on the 25th for my son's birthday. This is the 26th. Now they're doing all this stuff. I'm getting all these ultrasound done. This one ultrasound done.
00:27:38
Speaker
Doppler put on me a couple times throughout the day and I just remember them bringing me up to labor and delivery at that point because they knew at some point I was going to have to deliver her. So I just remember at this point it's going on to like the 27th now. I'm sitting in there for like three days.
00:27:57
Speaker
anticipating losing my daughter at this point. And I'm just like, what is going on? Like, are they just, are they going to get things going? Like what is going on? Like the thought of like, knowing like what is going to happen and what's to come. So, um, I just remember, um, going to the labor delivery. I remember them being like, they were really nice up there. They, they were really nice.
00:28:20
Speaker
Some of the women asked me if I needed anything, if there was anything they can do. Everybody just seemed a little bit more compassionate than where I was. I forget what floor I was on. I know I was on a baby floor, but I just wasn't on the labor and delivery just yet. I think it was a high risk floor or something? That's what it was. That's what it was. Okay. Yup, for all the high risk moms. That's right. Once I got up to labor and delivery, all the nurses there were really nice.
00:28:50
Speaker
Super compassionate. I just think they kind of knew, like, you know, they knew everything clearly because, you know, they probably read my file, but I just remember the one nurse asking, like, if I wanted epidural, if I didn't, I know I had my son natural because, like, he just came right away.
00:29:06
Speaker
that with her I was kind of like how big is she gonna be like I didn't know at this point you know what I mean so I was just kind of like is epidural really necessary and she was just kind of like I would recommend it because she said just in case if you do have really harsh contractions and
00:29:25
Speaker
It is harsh. You don't want to kind of remember that kind of thing, especially with what's to come. So I'll do the epidural. I just remember she was really nice about everything. And I remember her asking me, is there anything that she could start on doing for me? Because I already asked my midwife, Jen, what's the possibility? What's the chances of her coming out and her being alive?
00:29:52
Speaker
and she told me the chances are very very slim just because she is only you know 20 weeks and six days gestational on the trauma to doing it vaginal is one of those things where she's not going to be alive after so i guess mama would be too harsh for her i was like okay so i was like basically she's not going to be alive when she comes out so i know that
00:30:14
Speaker
So I was like, you know, really hoping that like I did have a couple minutes with her at least. So I just remember the nurse asking me like, you know, there's like, you know, a gown that I wanted to pick out. And like, I just remember them not having a lot of choices and just like feeling like they were very limited. You know what I mean? On like what I could pick for her. And they were beautiful. They were nice. They were nice things to put her in. But I'm just like thinking in my, in my mind too, I'm like, is she even going to
00:30:39
Speaker
this like is she like you know what I mean I'm hoping she's gonna be so I just remember picking out a couple options because like she let me pick out one that was like really really tiny and then she picked let me pick out one that was like a slightly bigger so she put them to the side for me and then she let me pick out like a little memory box and at that point like you know she had stuff put put away to the side for when she does come
00:31:04
Speaker
And I just remember them giving me the Pitocin and all that. And I just remember not going into labor. I just remember sitting there anticipating all of this and not having any contractions. And I just remember too, and then I'm sorry to get off base with it a lot, jumping around. You're fine.
00:31:25
Speaker
feeling her at this point like I didn't really feel much of her because like my water was broken and I don't know if that was one of the reasons because she was a heavy mover so like I just felt like at that point like I had a hard time feeling her I didn't know whether or not she was okay I was stressed I didn't know what was going on so at that point I just remember them
00:31:47
Speaker
trying something different other than the Pitocin that was vaginally so I tried that and then shortly after that happened they gave me a little bit more Pitocin and I remember that started getting things going for me and then I remember my sister calling me and then I remember her being furious because she at this point she was like like what are you still doing there like what are they doing because like at this point like it's just like one of those things where you're just like oh my god what do I do
00:32:17
Speaker
I know she's going to pass. I'm sitting here waiting, waiting. And it's driving me nuts at this point because at times I'm by myself, at times he's there with me, at times he's got to leave to go back home to my son. So I just remember my OB came in and my OB was talking to me and he's great. He ended up delivering me 30 years prior. So I'll be here today. So if anything happens, I'll be here. I'll be with you throughout the way.
00:32:45
Speaker
And I just remember him telling me like, you're doing the right thing. There's no wrong choice to this. And I remember him just being very compassionate through it all. He was so sweet about it. Yeah, that's so nice. Yeah. And I just remember him just being like, I give birth to a lot of babies.
00:33:03
Speaker
He's like, I really do. And there's some that I don't even remember. He says, but this is the hardest part of my job. He says, always remember you guys. So kind of bringing home your baby. You guys stay with me forever. Oh my God. I love him. I know.
00:33:21
Speaker
and he did he did remember because it played a part in my last pregnancy so um i just remember like him just making me feel like a bunch of comfort and like he even made Dalton feel good like he was just like you're strong through this sitting with her through this like it takes a lot to have to go through this what's your doctor's name what's his yeah dr vine lavine yeah okay okay okay
00:33:46
Speaker
He's absolutely amazing. He's trying to cheer Dalton up and he's trying to crack jokes with him and just trying to get everything and better spirits there in the room. He did a good job because even to this day Dalton loves him. He loves asking if he can go to an ultrasound with me one day to see him again and talk to him.
00:34:07
Speaker
So we can do that you know like because I played a part in my third so with like anticipating everything he like you know was helping me like try to get this on the road because he wasn't there like a couple days prior because like he's just all over the place from like his office to this hospital and pretty sure he does another hospital I'm not sure so like he's just all over he's just I know he's got a lot of clients because like it takes forever just to even see him when you're in the office
00:34:35
Speaker
Oh, I know he's a busy guy. So I just remember after they gave me that dose vaginally, and then they gave me that other dose of Pitocin, I remember after my sister called me, curious, I remember an hour later, I just had that urge, like, you know, like, almost like the urge that you have to poop. And I'm like, I'm like, you have to go get the nurse, like you have to go get the nurse.
00:34:56
Speaker
and he was like what what do you mean and i'm like i'm pretty sure like i don't know because like i can't feel like you know anything really but i just know that i have to poop and he was like okay so he went and got the nurse and soon enough she came in she checked my dilation and she checked spiel up there
00:35:15
Speaker
And soon enough, that was, it was her head. And she was like, she's right there. She said, I feel her. Do you think you can push for us right now? And I just remember like thinking like, you know, my heart dropped in my stomach. And I just remember thinking like, this is it. This is the moment that it's going to happen. Like she won't be with me anymore. So I just remember like holding his hand through it. And I remember LeBlanc coming in and I remember him putting on gloves and I just remember him telling me like, it's going to be okay.
00:35:44
Speaker
just got to push for us and breathe and I just remember just crying just crying through it all because it was just one of those things where like it was just such an easy delivery that like she just came out right away and I just like remember pushing like two times and she was out and I just remember
00:36:06
Speaker
the feeling of how it felt. I'm just like, oh my god, she's little. They asked me if I wanted to hold her. They did ask me that, if I wanted to hold her right away or if they wanted to clean her up. Since I knew that she wasn't going to be breathing when she came out, I said, you guys can clean her up beforehand. I'll wait because I don't think mentally I was prepared.
00:36:29
Speaker
all the ways that it played out and so I just I kind of anticipated it and then like about 15 minutes later they brought her in they took pictures of her after they cleaned her and like at this point like her skin so transparent that like they could only clean her so well yeah I remember the nurse telling me she's like for gestational like you know she's she's pretty heavy baby she's pretty big girl nine and a half long and she was over a pound she was a pound and one ounce
00:36:59
Speaker
She said for her to be a parent. She said she's pretty she's pretty big so I just remember feeling like okay, so at least she was she was healthy she was healthy and I just remember seeing her and she just looked so fragile just so So fragile and I just remember like cute little button news that she had just looking at her I just felt
00:37:18
Speaker
I just felt like I failed her. Like mentally failed her and physically failed her. Like my body failed her. And I remember them sending in like a grief counselor and stuff and her name was Anne. She was very sweet. I remember her offering to do like footprints and like the sweet thing and I remember her asking if you know I needed anything. I remember them bringing in
00:37:44
Speaker
like this gift basket, which I plan on trying to do later on with like doing for hospitals and stuff. That's awesome. Yeah. It was like a little coffee mug and it was like a little like kit for like self care. So I thought that was really sweet that they had stuff like that. And then, um, I just remember putting like the hat on and the happy and the little too big for head. And I just felt like brittle and little, and I just remember Dalton holding her. And I just remember him feeling like,
00:38:13
Speaker
he was going to break her. And I'm like, you're not going to break her. She's fine. And I just remember seeing him and just seeing how upset he was that he actually thought that she was going to be able to make it through this. And I don't think it really hit him until he actually saw her. Yeah. I mean, he was there throughout the whole way and he stood by my side through it all. And I mean, he helped me pick her name and
00:38:42
Speaker
It was just one of those things where I could see that he was very hurt. He didn't know how to act. I think he wanted to be strong. I thought he had to be. But I just know he was hurting too and I just felt so sorry because I know how happy he was. I knew how happy he was to know that she was a girl. I knew how happy he was to know that he was going to have a little daddy's girl.
00:39:11
Speaker
He was going to be able to do all these things with her and, you know, take her to her first dance and do all these things and teach her sports. And he had all these plans with, you know, in his head that he was going to deal with
Dalton's Support and Shared Grief
00:39:23
Speaker
her. And I just, I need that being taken away from him. I knew, I knew it bothered him. Um, and I knew that like he was trying to stay strong because he knew that he had to, like he felt like he had to.
00:39:39
Speaker
And I remember him just taking all these pictures, just saying, I'm taking pictures, I'm taking pictures. And I'm like, okay, take as many pictures as you want. And he's like, I just don't want you saying that you don't want me to take pictures, because I want to take pictures. And I'm like, you can take pictures, you can take as many as you want. And I remember him just taking like a whole bunch, like there's a whole bunch of pictures of her in his house.
00:40:09
Speaker
I mean even to this day he like talks about her and I mean he really does like he really does have love for her and I know he still thinks about her because like you know how like some stories you hear like men really don't want to talk about it and you know they distance themselves and they shut themselves down and I just felt like he kind of like opened himself up a little bit more and
00:40:34
Speaker
like was more supportive like through it all because I think he knew that like seeing me like that he had to be supportive and he did a great job like I mean even like when he came down to like you know setting things up for her and her arrangements and stuff like he did he did amazing like he I couldn't have asked for anybody better to do it
00:40:58
Speaker
Yeah, do you feel like it made you guys like closer? I mean, because you had your son, right? And he already has like medical problems. So that's like a hardship. And then this, you know, that would be enough for anybody to have some tough times, you know, and struggle with their relationship.
00:41:16
Speaker
Yeah, it definitely, I mean, at first, like even like down the road, like a couple months later, like I know he was very quiet about it. He didn't talk about it a lot. But I think it takes like all of us a little time to process things. So it took him time to process. But like even like when it came about talking about her, like never turned away from it. Like when it came to like, you know, her insurance card coming in the mail, he was like her insurance card is here. Like what do we do? Like all them and let them know, like,
00:41:46
Speaker
You know, it's one of those things where you get these little signs and stuff and he would just bring her up and you had no problem with doing so.
00:41:57
Speaker
It definitely made him and I closer. It definitely did. Definitely brought us a lot closer. I think it made him see things a little differently too when it came to doing more for our third. Let's do this differently. Let's do this differently so that way we have things to cherish and things to go by.
00:42:19
Speaker
Cause like he didn't go to like the ultrasounds and he didn't do like, you know, certain doctor's appointments with me. So like when it came to our last baby, he did all that with me. So I definitely think it opened a lot more doors for him doing that. I mean, I was with her for about a couple hours after I gave birth. I just think it was getting hard on him too. Like we were probably with her for about four to five hours. I just remember them wheeling her away and I just remember feeling like that was it.
00:42:49
Speaker
That was it. That's all I had. That's all I had with her. And I just felt like it was all ripped away. And that was my last time to be with her. And I'd never get to hold her again. I'd never get to feel her again. I'd never get to see her again. And it just broke me. It broke me big time. And I just remember posting on Facebook about it, like that everybody give us our space kind of thing. Give us our time. Because I had a couple girlfriends that were pregnant around the same time too. And your sister-in-law, right? So it's like,
00:43:19
Speaker
My sister-in-law was about two in June and I had a girlfriend that was due actually days after I had Aria. I want to say she had her maybe a day or two later. We were pregnant around the same time. She was due at the end of April and had Aria on the 27th. It's always hard around my son's birthday because then I think of that and all the stuff that played into his birthday. I just felt like I couldn't even be with him on his birthday.
00:43:50
Speaker
Yeah. So it was just it was one of those things where, you know, I wish like you have those, you know, what it's like if I didn't take that walk that one day or if I didn't go to the baby shower. Yeah. I did a lot of that, too. Like what if I didn't do that? What if I didn't do that? What if that spotting did have a play in everything? Yeah. So like it was one of those things where I like I blame myself for a lot.
00:44:19
Speaker
Yeah, mom guilt is hard even when your child is not here with you, you know, you still experience it and it's intense, you know, I definitely
00:44:29
Speaker
have felt guilty about different things that I did, that I wish I did differently, but I did the best that I knew to do at the time, you know? So I try not to let myself spiral too much. And I've gotten, you know, I have years and years of space too to get to this point, but. Yeah, I mean, like, you know, every year I do something for her birthday. So it's like, you know, it's not easier, I would say. It's just, I think mentally I'm more
00:44:58
Speaker
prepared for it. I think every year gets a little bit better in a way to like celebrate her and do things for her. So I definitely think that like you know I grew from this situation but it definitely it's definitely hard because I think about her all the time and
00:45:19
Speaker
It's like, does he think about her all the time? Does anybody else think about her all the time? I know I do. And it's just one of those things where like, you know, if anybody were to ask me how many kids do you have, I'd tell them three. You know what I mean? So it's one of those things where like, you know, I just, I feel like my time with her was very short spent and I felt like I was chipped of that. What year was she born? April 27th of what year?
Reflection on Aria's Impact
00:45:47
Speaker
Uh, 21, my son was going on too. So it was like almost like a perfect age difference between the two of them. And I just remember, you know, getting him like a little shirt for the announcement and stuff. Yeah. Pictures when I finally announced it. Cause I finally put my guard down to let everybody know, like I was pregnant with her. So everybody knew I was pregnant with her. Yeah. And of course like a week later, all of this goes down and I'm just like, great. Now what do I do? Yeah. And it's like, people are going to wonder, people are going to ask.
00:46:16
Speaker
Yeah, you covered a lot of stuff that we were going to ask you so I don't even have to ask you a lot of questions but I do want to ask you the person that you were before all this happened to the person that you are now almost three years later, are you a different person and like how, how has it changed you.
00:46:32
Speaker
I like to say I am. I would like to think that you know I've grown from it. I just feel like now I feel like I'm more open-minded about things because like you never think something like that's gonna happen to you and I know a lot of lost moms see that but you really don't you really don't and like you know all these people who have lost babies and you know people don't talk about it enough and all that but
00:47:00
Speaker
it definitely has made me a little bit more humble about the situation because like I've always been one of those people that were like, oh my gosh, somebody lost me. Like, what do you say? Do you say, you know, you're sorry for their loss kind of thing. And like, you kind of like avoid it. But now I just feel like it made me grow as a person to like help other lost moms to like give somebody to talk to. Like, you know, I've definitely opened my eyes to like ask more questions too.
00:47:30
Speaker
of what to do for my next pregnancy. I remember talking to this one lost mom, asking her, who do you go and see for this? What do I do about this? There was a time where they told me that I possibly had what they call an incompetent cervix.
00:47:50
Speaker
where you would have to get the stitch and stuff. So he thought I was going to have to do that with my next pregnancy if I was to ever have more. So it was like, you know, I ended up talking to this one lost mom about that kind of stuff. So I felt like it opened me up and matured me as a person too. And I think it definitely matured Dalton as well because I don't think he ever showed that kind of subject any attention until it happened to him. And now that it happened to us, we're just more aware and more
00:48:19
Speaker
open about it too. It definitely helped to know that there was other people out there as well. If it wasn't for my sister, I wouldn't have found support groups like you guys. I remember her letting me know and I remember her giving me somebody's name to message. I remember from there, that really helped through it all, was having support and having a support group of other women to go and see and talk to.
00:48:47
Speaker
It makes you more, going through that makes you more empathetic as a person, like more passionate. Yeah. Because right now, and like now that you know, you know, like there's no other feeling to describe it. Like, you know now of how it feels. Definitely. Nicole, did you want to ask her anything? Well, I want to know Arya's middle name. That was one thing. Her full name. Lorelei.
00:49:12
Speaker
Oh, that's so beautiful. I love that. Did you guys have a name picked out before your water broke? Or did you kind of come to all of this? I missed that because I remember sitting there with my mom, and in the hospital, when we were on the high risk floor, and I remember like, I'm gonna have to pick a name out for her. Like, what am I gonna? How do you come up with a name?
00:49:32
Speaker
You know what I mean? In a matter of hours. So I remember my mom and me were talking about it and I just remember really like in the name Aria and I remember looking up the meaning for it and I really liked the meaning behind it because it meant like you know melody and music and stuff like that and I remember like her middle name. I was really obsessed with the Kilmer Girls and I remember me and my mom used to write it together and Lorelei was definitely a name that I really liked and I remember my mom said she had um
00:50:00
Speaker
an anti-Morali. So I was like, Oh, that's perfect. So, um, yeah, so I remember, you know, loving like the way that it sounded to you with the last name. Yeah. Aria Lorelei Clark. Oh, is there, is there anything else that you want to share that like you didn't say already or anything that you want people to know or.
00:50:23
Speaker
No, I mean, she definitely played a big part in my third. I definitely would let people know, like, babies are definitely a blessing. And, you know, whether there's flaws in the pregnancy or not, like, I would just let people know, like, celebrate it, cherish it every moment of the way, because it can be taken from you in a matter of seconds. And if it wasn't for Aria, I don't think I would have done so much for Eliana.
00:50:52
Speaker
She definitely played a huge part in my daughter's, you know, life. Um, I really believe that she sent her to me to help me through this. Um, because like, I definitely got, I definitely wasn't planning it and I got pregnant pretty soon after I lost her probably about a year later. So it was not even like maybe eight, nine months later, I got pregnant with Ellie. So.
00:51:19
Speaker
Um, I just remember like, you know, picking Eliana's name behind, you know, losing Aria. And like, I lost my dad prior too. So like, I felt like after I lost, after I lost Aria, my mom ended up having a heart attack and a stroke. And then my dad ended up passing away that December.
00:51:36
Speaker
Oh my gosh. I played a role in everything that happened. Um, and I, I took care of my parent, like I helped take care of my parents. I helped, you know, around the house and like helped take care of my dad. Cause he wasn't really mentally and stable at the time. Like he suffered from depression very bad and he was just very overweight. So he had a lot of issues medically. So I helped him with him a lot. So.
00:52:02
Speaker
I feel like in every way possible, and I don't mean this in any kind of way, like, but I feel like not like that it happened for a reason. I just feel like God knew that there was things that were going to come my way that I was going to have to be there for. Yeah, be prepared for.
00:52:20
Speaker
Right and I think that he left Aria and he gave Aria my dad to be with and I feel like there's you know if I had her who would have known who would have known if I would have been there for my mom when she had the heart attack or whatever it's just like one of those things where it's like all these train of events happen for a reason and then I had Ellie and it's like you know wow I have been given this thing this gift now this baby who was sent for me and I feel like my daughter
00:52:49
Speaker
sent her to me. I feel like she brought her to me and I feel like there's a little bit of her in Ellie. Like I would like to think that there's things that Ellie has that Aria would have had. Yeah. It's funny because she's got like these blue eyes and she's got this blonde hair and she's just the happiest little baby and she's like this little meatball. I wonder if your sister would have been just like you.
00:53:19
Speaker
How old is Ellie now? These are 15 months. And her name, I named her Eliana Hope.
00:53:28
Speaker
after Aria, Eliana is like, you know, God's answered. And she gave me hope. She gave me that hope that I needed, that I was going to make it through. I did have it do a lot for her pregnancy with like, you know, pedestrian shots and weekly visits to the doctor and sometimes two visits a week. And it was definitely rough with her, but none of my
00:53:49
Speaker
were easy, but it was definitely worth it. It was worth it. Was it more, was it more reassuring for you like to go to the doctors more often and just make sure that she was? I had a better team too because I went to a different MFM after that. My sister-in-law worked at this MFM that I was going to and they were so great. Such a great team of women. It was Axia Health so they were just very helpful and very reassuring with like
00:54:17
Speaker
getting me ultrasounds and letting me know what was what. I had an echo down on her. I've had so many ultrasounds down on her. There's just so many. I remember doing 3D ultrasounds over at Wonder Time. I've done 3D ultrasounds. I've done a million of those while I was pregnant with her. I did a lot more with her. I did even a gender reveal for her. I did a baby shower with her.
00:54:43
Speaker
which I didn't get to do with my son because my son was just one of those things where it was one thing after another with him. So I kept that kind of quiet because I wasn't sure. But there was a lot of things that I missed out on with the two pregnancies that I made sure that I didn't with the third. So I'm so happy that I did do it. I'm so happy that I did go through everything that I went through with her. So it definitely opened my eyes a little bit more too.
00:55:12
Speaker
It made more things at ease with the pregnancy as well. She definitely brought you a lot of healing, it sounds like. She did. And it was funny because my OB, I did stay with him. So he ended up delivering my son before he was even my OB, but he delivered all three of my babies.
00:55:35
Speaker
was there throughout the third. And I remember him being so excited to find out that she was a girl, that he had to call me.
Spiritual Connections and Cultural Beliefs
00:55:44
Speaker
And he was like, do you want to know what the gender is? And I'm like, no, I'm actually doing a gender reveal. And he's like, really? He's like, good for you. I'm glad. I'm glad to hear that. He said, I'm so happy for you. So he's like, I didn't want to say anything, but I'm just so happy for you. And I know you're going to be happy with the results. So kind of like right then and there, I knew it was going to be a girl.
00:56:04
Speaker
But then I knew too that when I went to go get blood work, this one lady, I guess in her religion, she reads hands and they tell you the gender. She told me that she was going to be a girl and I said, don't tell me that. She ended up being a girl and I just felt like
00:56:24
Speaker
She definitely was sent by her. She was definitely sent by Aria. That's wild. I've never heard of that. Someone reading your hand to tell you a gender. That's really cool. Yeah. She's like, you want to know the gender now? And I'm like, how would you know now? I read their hands and in our culture we read hands.
00:56:45
Speaker
Um, I was like, okay. So I let her do it. And I remember her telling me like, yes, you're going to be having a girl. And I was like, don't tell me that's what got my hopes up. Like, good enough. Cause either way I would have been happy, but you definitely, definitely gave me a reassurance though. Well, thank you so much. Yes. I love your whole story. Me too. Thanks. It's hard. You guys are the first ones that I shared this with. So I'm sorry.
00:57:10
Speaker
over here and over there with it. But this is the first time that I've ever talked about her. And like I told Dolls this morning, I was like, you know,
00:57:18
Speaker
I'm ready. I'm ready to talk about her. And like, I mean, even though we talk about her, I said, I don't talk about her to anybody. I wish I could tell more people cause I wish I could tell people like they're not alone. And I know that like I tried to like join as many support groups on, on Facebook and stuff and social media to help other girls that like recently lost that are like similar or not. I'm just, you know, trying to be like more supportive with their, their journey and
00:57:47
Speaker
you know, their story and let them know that they're not alone. So like, I'm really appreciative of you guys even letting me come on and share. It's funny, the first time you share now it's going to go to like hundreds of people.
Sharing the Story Publicly
00:58:00
Speaker
And then you can pass along the podcast to like your groups that you're in. And then I'm sure you're going to touch somebody else and or it's going to resonate with someone else your story. I hope, I hope so. Or is that, you know, I'll let somebody else know like, you know, down the road to like, you know,
00:58:16
Speaker
you're not alone and there are people out there and whether you're you know lost a baby at eight weeks versus 21 weeks to 40 weeks you know there's always somebody out there to be willing to help you through this because I've met a bunch of good women like yourselves who have helped me through this journey and if it wasn't for you guys I don't know where I'd be like I'd probably be in a dark room crying my eyes eating some ice cream
00:58:46
Speaker
Thank you. Thank you for letting me share. Oh, of course. Thanks for coming on.
00:58:50
Speaker
Brittany, thank you so much for being here and sharing the story of Aria with us. If you want to send some love to Brittany, please email us at storyteller at the blindsided.com. See you next episode. Thank you so much for tuning into the latest episode of the Blindsided Podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at nicolewiththeblindsided.com or desiré at the blindsided.com.
00:59:21
Speaker
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00:59:38
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