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Father's Day Episode with Brad Entrekin
45 Plays1 year ago
Join us as we talk with Brad Entrekin, wife to Jenna and dad to Owen, Emily and Connor. On November 11, 2016, their family's world was forever changed when they learned that just days before his scheduled birthday, Connor's heart had stopped. Brad speaks openly about his thoughts, feelings and emotions at that time and gives advice to other fathers who have suffered a similar loss.
Thank you so much Brad, for candidly sharing your story with our audience.
Happy {gentle} Father's Day to ALL of the dads out there.
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Transcript
Introduction and Purpose of the Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree. We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies. We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast.
Introducing Brad and Trikin: A Family's Story
00:00:43
Speaker
Welcome to The Blindsided Podcast. My name is Desiree Miller, and I'm here today with Brad and Trikin, who's dad to Connor. If you're a regular listener, then you probably heard the interview we did with Brad's daughter, Emily, and wife, Jenna, on siblings' day episode, and know the story from their point of view. Today, we will hear from Brad and his version of that day. I personally had the honor to photograph Connor when he was born, and Brad was a dad that I will always remember, and not just because he shared his name with my husband. ah So Brad, welcome to the podcast. Thank you for having me. I appreciate being here. Yes, thank you so much. So, all right, start again. The other stuff's already saved, so it's fine. So start from the very beginning, what you were going to say. Yeah, no, just that I think Connor kind of, you know, finished off our little pod, our little family, when I think boys generally, we don't really think about having kids and families as much as girls when they're younger.
00:01:36
Speaker
I always knew I was going to have kids, but it was just kind of, I didn't put much thought behind it. um When I had Owen, you know that's the first time I think for a lot of parents where I felt I loved something more or someone more than myself. yeah And he made it easy. He's such an old soul. He's 17 now. He's a junior driving. um But he just made being a father awesome.
Anticipation and Loss of Connor
00:02:00
Speaker
So cut to you know years later when Jenna and I you know got married. The funny thing was we first were talking about, we were going to wait a year to have more kids. And um you know we wanted to, um I guess, enjoy being with each other. On our honeymoon, I remember saying, why are we waiting? We love Ellen. We want to have kids. let's just you know Let's start our family. Lo and behold, 10 months later, emily's Emily's born. And she's the same thing. So sweet.
00:02:29
Speaker
um My kids make being a father, I love it. There's nothing more, I mean, I'm the happiest when we're all home together in the house, even if they're all in their own different rooms. yeah So I wanted the boy, I got the boy first, I wanted the girl, I got my girl and she's my princess, I wanted her to stay a princess. So we wanted Connor, and we wanted a boy and we luckily got him. You know, it's a little tough because he's about 10 years younger than my son, Owen, and owen's big into wrestling, and so am I. We grew up with Coach Ellen. So as his career is ending, Connor would have been starting wrestling right around now. So it's pretty tough sometimes to, when you think about, you know, obviously a lot of my thoughts are what ifs, what would he have to make, things of that sort. But, um you know, there's there's definitely a hole in our families missed very much. I do think about them quite often, um you know, at all different times. so
00:03:25
Speaker
yeah um Is yours you're Owen um from a different relationship. It's not yours and Jenna's together, right? Correct. Yes, so he's with a different relationship Jenna met Owen when he was three and um so she changes diapers and you know um Same thing. Jenna even says she was kind of wasn't sure she wanted kids and then she met me and I had Owen, obviously, and we were package deals. So I think our second date, I said, Hey, we can hang out, but I have my son. So if you want to hang out with my two year old at the time, and she did, you know, so he might have helped me land her. that might have been the
00:04:01
Speaker
um And we have a great relationship. So Owen's mother, his stepfather, he has a brother from his mother's side. You know, it's not always easy. I mean, now it is, but it was, we had some different difficult times, but yeah, now it's, it's been a great family circle we have. um So you found out that um she was pregnant. It's going to be a boy. You guys were excited. Did you have like a baby shower because you hadn't, how far apart are her and, or sorry, were him and Emily? ah They're about five, we were, they were all going to be five years apart. Okay. It was like 10 boy stuff. Like you didn't have any baby boy stuff. No, I think, yeah, I'm trying to think we, we definitely, um, I think my sister, they might've put like a sprinkle or something. I, I'm trying to think now kind of all merges into, I mean, it's your blankets. I mean, Connor would have been seven. Yeah. You know, I mean, Emily's 12 now. So you think back, but yeah, we, we actually still have, uh,
00:04:58
Speaker
like a bassinet that we have and that was bought for us. That's right. We did have a sprinkle because that was one of the things we had all of his presence and we kept them for a while. um That was something that kind of that we went back and forth with to do. We have gift cards, and yeah I think we ended up donating the gift cards. Jenna donated a lot of the clothes and stuff, but yeah for a while, we we kept them in one of our family members' basements for a long time. and then Just over the years, I think it was kind of time, but Jenna still keeps a bassinet, I guess, that she kind of hopes to one day, maybe mike our kids will kind of pass them on to our grandkids.
00:05:42
Speaker
Oh, that's sentimental. Yeah. Yeah.
Advice on Handling Loss and Mementos
00:05:44
Speaker
Yeah. But there's a lot of little things that, you know, if we get into this conversation, I don't think anybody really thinks about, you know, perfect example, having a shower and getting all that stuff. And then it's like, Oh my God, what do we do? We have, you know, a couple hundred dollars in gift cards and, you know, we never were able to use them. So. Yeah, I remember like my my first baby with my son. I washed all of his clothes before I had him because they say wash the clothes. Stupid, because he didn't wear half the stuff. I shouldn't have taken the, yeah, so it's a little, you know, and that he wasn't, Connor wasn't your first baby either, it wasn't your first rodeo. So I'm sure you had a lot of stuff with tag still on it.
00:06:21
Speaker
um But I do hear that a lot where families say, you know, I'm going to go home and just the grandparents, like, I'm just going to put everything away and hide everything. It's like, well, you know, I would ask the parents, like, I would ask you, what what do you want? Do you want us to, you know, put it away and hide it? Do you want to keep it in your house? Do you want me to take it to my house? Just in an individual decision. But that is something I always think about when I meet families in the hospital who lose their babies full term, like they had to have had a shower already and have all this stuff waiting. I think one of the pieces of advice for anybody is, if you can, wait on making a lot of those decisions. um You know, to your point, I know we're gonna get into it later, but taking pictures of Connor. Definitely don't think about it. And now it's like, oh my god, I'm so glad I have them. um Same thing with that, like, you can get rid of that stuff later down the road and everything. But definitely you don't know
00:07:13
Speaker
how to process things and you you never know if, you know, so keeping those items and and then figuring out later when you're, you know, a little bit more level headed, I guess is definitely a ah way
The Day of Loss: Connor's Passing
00:07:22
Speaker
to go. we know Right. So tell us about, um I guess his delivery and what happened, what led up on, you know, from your perspective, um the Jenna go to the doctors by herself. She told me, but I kind of forget. Yeah, so I will just say, you know I do get very emotional, so I apologize. There's a lot of things here that I don't mind sharing, but it's a lot. You don't talk about it much, so yeah I think a lot of the emotions come out. so
00:07:54
Speaker
Um, so yeah, so we had, it was a Saturday morning as November 12th. I'll never forget. It's one of those things you'll never forget where you were, but it was a Saturday morning. It was for November. It was a great day. Uh, weather-wise my daughter was our last soccer game and, uh, I was actually painting the room, the baby's room. Um, We had the C-section was already planned, I believe it was like two weeks away. So she was pretty much a full term. Yeah. um She had a little high risk pregnancy with Emily. So we already knew she was going to have a you know ah C cs-section. And with the pregnancy, I know you talked to Jenna about it. I don't remember. I mean, I think the pregnancy was pretty normal for the most part. I know she had little issues and complications, but nothing that anything crazy, everything looked fine. And at this point, you're going every what week, I think, you know, every couple of days, it was fine.
00:08:41
Speaker
So I was painting the room, I procrastinated a little bit. I had it heft on, go to Emily's soccer game and Jenna was really complaining of, I guess it was hemorrhoids she had, really bad, really bad pain. um She was sitting in the tub and she's she's tough. She's not complaining. She'd appreciate you telling everybody. I'm sure she would, but listen, you're talking about pregnancy, so there's nothing glamorous going into it. But the tub wasn't really helping and she toughed it out. She went to the soccer game. So by the time we got back, she was in tears with the pain. So I get ahold of the on-call doctor. He's like, bring her to the hospital. I don't need to see her, though. Tell them I just saw her two days prior. Just look and treat the you know whatever else is going on. So after the soccer game, Emily went, I believe, with my sister or my niece. Just happened for no reason. Owen was with us, and he was about 10. So we go to the marriage room in spirit here in Woodbury. And of course, they're like, no, we're taking you to the maternity ward. You have to get checked first. So we're like, OK.
00:09:40
Speaker
um So they take you in that triage area and the nurse was checking for the heartbeat. um And Owen was there with us. I didn't see, so the the heartbeat was, Jenna's heartbeat at first. I remember Owen thought it was the babies and that was the first time they heard the baby's heartbeat. So he's actually real excited. And, um, I didn't see the nurse's face. She was facing away from me. And I remember her saying, where do you normally get the heartbeat? And Jenna loses it. She knew, you know, crying. um So I still don't know what's going on. And then obviously I pieced it together. And I remember I said, hey, Owen, why don't you go wait outside?
00:10:30
Speaker
So he goes right outside and then that's, you know, obviously the nurse and then the doctor came in and I remember the doctor just shaking his head. No, no, or I'm sorry. And Jen is a mess. So this is the first time. I'm not, um I don't think I've ever been in shock. i I froze. I could not move. I couldn't work my phone. You know, I have my son outside. knowing he knows what's going on. I have Jenna, who's a mess. And the nurses, I can't say enough about them. They you know they said to me, they said, we have your wife. she We're going to take care of her. Let's go get your son. And let's you know my thought is, I have to get him out of here. yeah So they took me in a room with him, just an empty room. um And I just sat him down. I said, oh, and Connor passed.
00:11:24
Speaker
you know And he says, he knew, remember this is a 10 year old. yeah He knew because the pain that he heard from Jenna was not a normal pain. She could hear it. So um he was great. I hugged him. I don't remember who I called first. Obviously one of my sisters. um I remember my niece. who, I forget how old she was. I mean, she's a little older. She's like ah mid thirties, I think. I forget how old my niece is. Okay. Exactly. But poor, when you think about, you know, how people get this information after the fact, so my niece picks up the phone, hey, Uncle Brad. And that's what I tell her. It's Connor's past. I need somebody to come get Owen.
00:12:12
Speaker
And she immediately, you know, was like, we'll be there. Like, don't worry about it. I'll get in everybody. I'll get Shelly. So like, they got up my sisters and my, uh, Owen's mother Shelly, uh, Shelly, I don't come and get no, and no one was, was great. So then when he was okay, I was able to, you know, the nurse, one of the nurses took him and I think like gave him crowds. I forget where he was. Um, but then, you know, having to go back and. I don't even know what you say, console, which isn't doing anything. but And then just trying to figure everything out. you know I was definitely, as far as like in shock, i I glazed over everything. i mean I remember bits and pieces
Family Challenges and Conversations
00:12:57
Speaker
to you. like I remember talking to you. I remember certain aspects of it. yeah you know There was a ah and ah account i like grief counselor that
00:13:09
Speaker
my dad's, my stepmother actually, she knew her. Judy. Yeah. Judy. Yeah. And you know, it's funny because Judy came in that night and like for me, from my perspective, from my point of view is like, who are these people, leave me alone. I don't even know, you know. Yeah. um And Judy was was really good and and helpful um with that as well. I remember thinking when when we had a nurse, you know we got to the room and she was talking about the delivery. like I didn't even think that we had to deliver him. yeah I remember my head. And she's like yeah something about like having i was like, I don't want to see him. i don't like It sounds horrible. But then on the other side of it, when people when I tell people, like he was with us for the whole time we were in the hospital.
00:13:57
Speaker
Like in the, in people, like that sounds really weird. If you've been through it. It does. If you haven't been through it. Yeah. Cause it's even hard to think about, like you said, the, the delivery and yeah seeing him and then taking pictures. Uh, I've heard all kinds of things people, you know, that haven't been through or haven't walked with someone that's been through it. Um, to me it's not, but just because I've done this, but yeah. Um, so did she have to have a C-section because you said she was scheduled? Yeah. So they ended up having a C-section, which in retrospect, I hate to say thank God, but I can imagine we met a couple later, you know, that she had, she gave natural childbirth with the same thing. And I talk about torture, but yeah I can't imagine, but I'll never forget the, uh, the nurse. She's like, you are going to want to see him. He's your baby. Um,
00:14:50
Speaker
And I did, you know, um, so ah when Shelly picked up Owen and they were leaving, he says to me, are you going to see Connor? And I said, I don't know. And he said, I think you should. Um, so we'll get to that later. No, I don't know where your kids come from because your daughter is also just so beyond her years. She really is. And if you have two of them like that, I just, wow. yeah they're um um really Like I said, he was 10, almost 11, I think. wow so we you know Jenna has the C-section.
00:15:26
Speaker
and you know you think I was thinking about this, obviously, thinking about this interview, so you kind of replay everything. and I remember they had a curtain, so I'm not trying to look anyway, but I remember the hope that you heard crying. home you know and We didn't, obviously, but it's it's kind of weird. like Again, thiss six hours ago, I still had paint at home in a roller. you know yeah yeah so so that and Then they put him they they wrapped them and like I said, they they put them, it looked like a baby. It looked like he was sleeping. yeah and I remember they wheeled Jenna out and it was pretty quick. They were obviously worried with her.
00:16:10
Speaker
And as like they're kind of all going, Connor was there by himself. And I immediately felt like, I'm not leaving my kid. you know I'm not leaving my son. And again, that was ninety eight like an hour ago. I was like, I don't want to sail. And I'm like, wait, I'm not letting my son alone. and you know So a lot of crazy mixed emotions. So I sat with him, obviously, and just stared at him. And you know and then, ah yeah, they kind of took him. That was Saturday night. you know I don't even know what time. It was late. you know But i my whole family was up there at this point. And you know like poor Jenna, I think, just surviving. And then um the next day, and this is really hard for me, this is one of your questions was what was like ah I think the hardest part. I think you you asked something like that. And it was telling Emily,
00:17:08
Speaker
Sorry. So the next day, you know, cause she was on my knees. So she slept over and they just said, I don't even think they, they might've just said, mommy's not feeling well. You're going to sleep here with us. Um, so I knew obviously like immediately we had to tell Emily. So it was Sunday morning. Um, I went home and my sister, I think it was Noreen picked up Emily and brought her to my house and, uh, that of everything I'll never forget. Um, You know, just the guilt, like I knew I was changing her life when she walked up to the house.
00:17:48
Speaker
And Judy made, and and again, going back to, I met Judy Saturday night and I was kind of like, why is this individual here? Like, can you give me some space?
The Grieving Process and Support
00:17:55
Speaker
And one of the things she said to me, which always stuck, and I really appreciate it, was you have to be honest with her. You cannot say, you know, Connor got sick and he went to heaven. She's like, you know, like you just, you don't want to equate sickness with death and, and kids process it differently. And like, she's like, you know, give her the respect and be honest. And, uh, I kind of remember i like being annoyed at that type of feedback, like but best advice I ever got. Not that it was easy, but um yeah, telling Emily, that was every time, like if people ask about this journey, and when I talk about that, I break down. I usually don't break down this bed, but when I talk about Emily um yeah and having to tell her,
00:18:47
Speaker
Um, another question you asked is what, what, I think, what was the, like the main, uh, emotion or something. Yeah. Like some of your biggest emotions that you felt after his birth. That's really important for me. I asked you that question on purpose. Um, and you can go into, but you know, about Emily, but it was because when I met you, I felt that the emotion that was coming off of you was anger, which I feel is like 75% of the dads that I meet. I feel that. Yeah. Um, absolutely. Um, you know, I think in any type of situation, at least maybe for me, with like especially with Jenna um and my kids, the anger I think is more of, I want to protect her. And I had, obviously I was completely out of control. like I had no control over the situation, but having all these different people, thankfully they were there. But I think it was just more of, you know I think you're just angry in general. But i for me,
00:19:49
Speaker
The number one was fear. and And what I mean is fear for my kids. So I remember immediately thinking this is that life changing or life altering event that you see kids go, you know, like, you like you hear, like in my head, I was never going to. You know, have ah ah a relationship because he's never going to like, he's going to put up a wall and he's never going to love again because he loved con. You know, there's so many weird emotions, but fear that my kids were going to be, because I do think they were like just terrific kids. And I'm like, this is the path. Like this is now.
00:20:28
Speaker
And I was so afraid of that. you know And then Jenna on top of that, because the heartache, you could just see in her eyes. It's nothing I ever want to see. yeah you know So that was my initial you know emotion, absolutely.
00:20:47
Speaker
you know and And I think back and I say, um so thankfully we had kids, because I'll never forget, It was probably, I mean, we were home for a couple of days, but we got the kids at school pretty quick back when we felt they were ready. And we called both the guidance counselors for both schools and explained everything. And they were great. They both pulled both kids out, spoke to them just to kind of work through that. And I know, you know, but I remember there was a morning and literally I was just like, I don't want to get out of bed.
00:21:23
Speaker
you know, you're just lost, you know, it's, there's so many, and I'm not really an emotional guy. And I don't, you know, let's talk about feelings. Like, no, I don't know. So to have all those emotions, yeah, really know which way to go, you know, it was it was tough. So for me, it was fear number one. And that was with me for a long time. I mean, that's with the kids. I remember taking them to school and you know Again, I think it was Judy at one of the, I don't remember at what point, but you know she said, let them see you cry, don't hide it. And we've been very open, we still talk about Connor. Like in half the time it's me being a little mean to Owen, I'd be like, Connor would have been a great wrestler, I would say the congressional family, you know stuff like that.
00:22:11
Speaker
but ah Definitely anger, obviously. i don't like I didn't have resentment. I didn't have any of those things that I can remember. I wasn't man at the world or anything like that. you know i just think it just I do try to think everything happens for a reason. I don't know what this was. you know it's it's I don't think you ever really can find out why things happen. um One of the things I can say is it it absolutely made Jenna and I, our relationship, closer. That was a question I was going to ask you that I didn't write. But yeah, I was going to ask you about your – because I can go either way to be honest with you. Yeah. I remember – I don't remember how this came out or came up to me. And I don't remember – I have two sisters, two older sisters. And it was something to the effect that they might have told me that I think one said to the other, I don't know how Jenna and Brad are going to get out of this together.
00:23:09
Speaker
And it is tough. And I'll tell you right now, the first thing is, to all the dads out there, absolutely is not the what the mother's fault. And that's the first thing you need to tell them and believe it. You have to believe it. I feel like that's something that they can look through your eyes. you know Like Janet was, ah I would imagine now she still has a guilt, like that mob guilt. right you know That's never gonna go away. But this was absolutely, nobody's fault, you know, and and that's one of the first things I can remember like, you know, just like, we'll get through this, this isn't your fault. And then we mourn together. I think that's a big thing too. I stayed home from work for three months. Wow.
00:23:57
Speaker
And what I learned from like some of the, so we went to the guy, like the group support group support groups. It didn't really help me. Um, that we did meet a couple that are really cool. And I really liked, um, Ivan and and their story was pretty, I know their story. I think I photographed their baby also. You might have. Yeah. think i do Not too far. They actually lost, it was their second baby. They lost the first one as well. I actually, I did photograph their family just because the name is so specific. Yes. yeah So, oh, but what what I noticed in these support groups and I went like, I'm open to stuff, like it yeah helps. It doesn't necessarily help me, but we, you know, I went with Jenna, but what I noticed was that I don't think people realize none of the dads took any time, but like a two week, two weeks off. Everyone I met,
00:24:48
Speaker
And then the you know whoever, the significant other is like, he doesn't talk to me. He doesn't open up. He's he's a shell. He bottles everything in. And I'm like, but he went back to work a week or two later. He had no time to mourn, to feel that regret, to whatever. Go go away for a week on your own. And that was something I remember when I came home think about it now, I called like my leave the part for work and I said yeah explained the situation and she's like, well, you could take a month off, but it's not paid, but that's to take care of your wife. And my sister was like, you need to call back and say it's for you. like You can't work. And I'm like, yeah, I can't go back to work. I mean, it's been seven years. I can still barely talk about it. Imagine that a week later. oh So yeah, I went back and I was able to get a short-term disability. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So you got the 12 weeks.
00:25:41
Speaker
Yeah, and my doctor was great, so she wrote wrote me out and everything. What a great idea, actually, so you can get some of it partially paid. I actually got it all paid. Oh, that's great. Because they paid, the state paid two-thirds, and then Walgreens, my employer covered the other one-third. Wow. I might have missed like a week or two of pay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. ah But that was a godsend. I mean, there was days, and people were like, well, you have nothing to do. Yeah, you're going to stare a wall. but You got to stare at the wall until you you know compress it. and And the other thing, Judy made a great, like she was like, go back to work about a month or a couple of weeks before you go back just to see say hi to everyone. Because you have to remember, I was like, all right, guys, I'll see you Monday. Yeah, yeah. And then I was out. And my team, it's not like I was texting everyone. You know what I mean?
00:26:29
Speaker
Um, so that was beneficial too, because I got to see everyone. It was a little tough for whatever, but then I got to go back home for a few weeks and then I came back to work. And I mean that, that leave for, for me, for the, and I, every dad I talked to it's like, yeah, I went back and I couldn't say, I couldn't stay home for three months or two months. And, um, they, I think they suffered for it. Do you think it's like a defense kind of thing where like they put up, it's kind of putting up a wall because they're just blocking it like, okay, you know, you stay home, but I'm gonna go and like, take my mind elsewhere, kind of? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it could be that I like I said, I'm not a big crowder, but I'm like, you know, guys can cry. So I'm not maybe there are guys that are like, no, you know, um I definitely think that and, you know, like,
00:27:14
Speaker
I don't know if people really view it from the the the side of or through the eyes of the father. you know and And rightfully so, like because Jenna had to you know obviously mourn the loss, but she had to deal with the recovery of a C-section. And um I remember walking out of the hospital with her while she was in a wheelchair and it was like, as we were leaving, I was like, oh my God, she came in with a baby and she's leaving without one. like That's every mother's like just nightmare. And, you know, so I think they might think I have to take care of my wife or my whatever. And then it's like, okay, she's good. I got to go back to work. And they don't realize that they have to heal.
00:27:58
Speaker
Right. You know, for whether you have kids or not, but for your wife as well, there there is a lot of I think if you just bottle it up, there is kind of resentments and things, you know, I think that's why they say that the partners generally take like they actually don't process grief for like six months. But actually, what you just said could be why because they went back to work and kind of tried to block it. And then eventually, it's going to come back. And it's not going to be pretty. And it's probably about when it would come back when like these milestones are supposed to be, you know, the baby would be sitting up or
Memories and Continuing Bonds
00:28:29
Speaker
walking. um It's probably when those kind of things come back up and that's when they start to process it. And then, like you said,
00:28:36
Speaker
Yeah, it's not the best idea to do. It's just unfortunate that in our society, we have to get a doctor's note for dads or partners to stay home. Yeah, it was a lot of documentation. It wasn't easy. What's that? Yeah. but I said that's it's actually really smart, though, because I haven't talked to somebody ah about that. But I actually think that's a great little hack yeah to be able to stay home. Yeah, really. That was a godsend. There is no way I would have been able to go back to work. And, um, you know, but again, you're right. Like if, if you go back and you just don't think, you know, you don't think about it. So you go, go, go. And you know, you mentioned the milestones, like you're right. Like guys aren't thinking about, Oh, he would have been crawling, but like, you know, that's more of the mom milestone, I think, but yeah there's a lot of, like, just what I said earlier about the wrestling. I didn't really feel like, Oh, it's going to be a senior. He's going to wrestle in college, but like we went through since he was six and, you know, we're in a family, kind of a wrestling family. So it's like, Oh my God.
00:29:31
Speaker
And it hit me the other day, I'm like, Connor would, I would have been starting to coach again. So like for, for me, that's the milestones. Like I think about not just wrestling, but like i know different things like that. And then as like your kids, like Owen's prom, he you know, at homecoming and all these different things, you know, there's a lot of different things that, you know, and, and you're right. I, that probably makes sense. Like I could see you get, cause I think about too, it's, you know, I don't get mad now, but it's just like, you know, Did you ever think about doing some sort of fun project, can put it that way, for um kids that are the age Connor would be in relation to wrestling? I don't know. That's a hard part. like you You talk about the memory. you know There's so many things that, again, you don't think about. But when people ask me how many kids I have, I say two.
00:30:20
Speaker
you know and And it's more, it's just not a conversation. I feel like having somebody like that's ah a lot of it. Like I know I have three kids, you know, um but it's, it's a lot of, so for me, I don't know because I don't really. I don't like talking about it yeah yeah yeah to a point, not because I don't want to talk about it. It's a sad topic and a lot of times it just brings people down. yeah you know i mean If there's somebody that needs to talk about it, you know this is one of the things I do want to commend you and go back to you because I know I don't know how much when you go to take pictures, like how well you're received. like I know for me, going back to that, like i how was i don't know what i like I was annoyed. like No, I don't want pictures. like And I remember you saying, like you don't want pictures now, you never have to look at them.
00:31:13
Speaker
Yeah. I don't know if it was you or the nurse, but i was you know i did i said i I don't care if you hate me. I don't yeah care if you don't like me. um I do obviously care, but you know in the scheme of things, yes, it happens a lot. It's a lot of dads. It's not just you. It's a lot of of partners um and family members. The other day, sorry to take it off topic a little bit, but I went to the hospital and there there's been a lot of um full-term losses lately. I don't know why. Um, at one specific hospital and I went in and we were just trying to make, you know, be a little bit funny. And the nurse said, Oh, you have to come outside and see what he did. What dad did. Cause he was not, he just told me like, I'm not going to see the baby. I don't want to hold the baby. I said, you know, he did, but he did. I told him the same talk I had with you. I just said, that's why I didn't ask you to hold base it. Cause I told him when I went in, like, we're going to, I'm going to do pictures of the baby and then I'm going to give them and to mom and then I'm going to give them to you and then you'll do them together. And she's like, he's not going to do that.
00:32:10
Speaker
And I said, that's why I didn't really ask. That's why I'm telling you. But but anyway, they said, oh, yeah, look outside. He punched a hole in the wall at the hospital, brand new hospital, basically. And he punched a hole. um And it's funny. So I you know did the the session. And as soon as he he held his baby, he wasn't putting that baby down. He did everything. He was amazing. um But the last picture I took was the hole in the wall. And he said, he texted me after we got the pictures. And he said, Desiree, I was going through the pictures and I'm crying, crying. And then I get to the last picture and it's, you know, the hole I punched in the wall and I started laughing. But, but I get that, you know, it's a reaction I get a lot. um But it's more important for me to make sure that you have the memories and probably Judy also, you know, when she was doing this work.
00:32:54
Speaker
It's more important for her to talk you through it and you can, you know, be mad at the time. It doesn't matter because she knows that when you look back at that day, you're going to be able to have conversations like we're having now. Whereas if she wasn't there, I don't know if you would have made the same choice as you might have, but you don't know because you don't know. Yeah. No, you're absolutely right. And I mean, that's why we do need people like you and the nursing, like the whole, there wasn't a dry eye on that floor and they took care of me. I remember. they made like my little bed every day. not when caught But I remember, you know, you you don't sleep, right? You're every and of course, um I was whatever I was sleeping on. And, you know, they're in and out for for Jenna. And a
00:33:36
Speaker
I remember I was like a zombie, like half asleep, just whatever. And I guess the blanket fell off, whatever, off me. And the way ah the the nurse, like she was at the opposite side of the room, like doing whatever. And she like came over and like tucked me in. like i kind I didn't even look like I felt it. And again, I was just like, but it's like after the fact, like, I don't know, just little stuff like that that you reflect on late later. And it's like, thank God. And then the family, you know, I had to go to the, you know, we had to do the ah funeral. you know I had to go pick the coffin out. And thank God for my sister and my dad. They took me. I couldn't talk. um I mean, that that's really important to to just have some people that can just even get you to some of these places. you know I mean, when you're looking at a three foot by you know two foot coffin or something, like you're not right stay in the right state of mind. I think that's why it's really important. you know
00:34:31
Speaker
Even this podcast, like i listened like it took me a little while to listen to Emily and Jenna's podcast. you know um Because again, it's like, do I really want to go back and relive it? you know and I do. like Every once in a while, things will come up. I mean, this this is a good thing, but you think of things, and then you relive the whole situation. and it's like It was almost yesterday, but it's like, man, it's seven years go by. and Everyone we're close to, it they don't forget. They know, and I think they know how how tough it was. But you know the world does keep going, you know and and that's and and life keeps going, and that's a struggle sometimes too.
00:35:08
Speaker
um to to honor you know your child and then but everyone's like oh god i forgot you yeah what happened you know you guys lost the baby or something you know so I saw your sister Saturday at a tournament fishing tournament party. oh really yeah um We're both friends with the guy that
Acceptance and Finding Peace
00:35:27
Speaker
runs it. okay no I saw her and she introduced me to her parents. but When she introduced me to her mom, she said she took pictures of Connor when he passed away and her mom was like, you know I have chills. So it's just like Connor's name, even though you don't realize it, it's still brought up in conversations, especially when you know by your sisters. I'm sure your other sister, same thing, um still bring him up. And then we were talking about
00:35:49
Speaker
Connor. So yeah, it's crazy. I said, yeah, I'm going to have Brian on the podcast next week or this week coming up. when When I heard the podcast, that's why I was like, it really, I think that's when I really appreciated what you're trying to do with the podcast as well. And then I think when Jenna mentioned about the Father's Day podcast and I was like, you know what, like it's not easy, but I definitely, if if there's one guy or dad or even like a a mother of, you know can listen to this and you know, maybe just try to understand a little bit where they're they're coming from or or whatever. I mean, it is tough. And hopefully it'll help somebody. So I do appreciate it. Oh, no. i Listen, i I really appreciate it. I want to ask you really fast. You said that um you kept the baby in the room with you the entire time. So all that I remember is obviously just from the short time that I was there to do pictures. And um all I could get you to do was at least put your hand on.
00:36:44
Speaker
con which I give you credit because a lot of dads, you know, can't even do that. It just takes a lot, but you know, you willingly came in and, you know, did it, but that was what I got from you that day. But after that, did you spend time? Did you hold him? Do you have pictures of you holding him? No, I don't have pictures. It's more like with me and um and Jenna. i don't I don't think we have any pictures with it. I'm fine with that. i didn't like Having pictures, i i I really like seeing him and things. Oh, no. Yeah. But yeah, I just i remember just being with him. I mean, Jenna held him. I'm sure I held him.
00:37:22
Speaker
I think Jenna, I know they gave, I think they told you the story about when the kids, the whole family saw Connor for the first time. I don't know. She said the chocolate, that one. Yeah. So it's pretty tense because kind of going back, you know, when I told Emily and things, it was interesting her process, but to skip past, but when we were driving to the hospital, I said, Hey, ah you know, Emily, do you want to see Connor? Like he looks like he's sleeping. Um, Ellen wants to see him and she was like, Oh, Ellen does. She's like, yeah, I'll see him. But then she processed it. I watched her cause I was watching, you know, as I'm driving, she stared out the window and she was like, wait, Connor's not Bobby's belly. So even though a half hour ago, I took like, she was processed like, Oh, wait a minute, you know,
00:38:10
Speaker
So the whole point, going there though, I was like real, cause that's just like, I don't want to see, I'm like, you don't have to see on them. That's fine. Like whatever. But I think going there with Owen was there. I was mother Shelley was there. My sisters, my, like 10 of us were there. It definitely was a little better. But then when they rolled him in, it was, it was all It was just tense, you know what I mean? And ah yeah, his his lips lips were a little darker, like darker red, I guess. And that's what she said. She said something like, look at his chocolatey lips or something. And it just broke that, you know, tension type of thing. And I mean, so there you go. Like my five-year-old that like here, I didn't even want to see him. And you know, it it really helped. and
00:38:53
Speaker
you know I think having pictures of them with him and everything, it it might have helped with them too. you know we We try to be open about it. We try to talk about their feelings and things. and you know I think it's safe to say at this point that we've all mourned, I think, in a good, healthy way. you know There's always going to be that that hurt and stuff, but yeah yeah we moved on pretty good, I think. so Yeah, no, I'm just glad that you got to spend time with him regardless of who was holding. I just didn't know if you're ... I'm sure your you did change because you had time to process it after that night and everybody left you alone for a little bit.
00:39:26
Speaker
Yeah, because I mean, we were there for a couple days, so and they would roll them in and out. They have, I guess, where I don't know, yeah yeah you know, but. um Yeah, so we definitely got the seal and you know, it was tough when they took him. I remember when for, you know, well for both of us before for Jenna, when they had to come get him, pick him up for the funeral, you know, that was tough. Did the funeral home actually come get him directly so he didn't have to go to the morgue then? Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, they they picked him up and and kind of took care of him from that side. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it's got to be the hardest part. But in the same sense, at least, you know, he's going, you know, onto the next
00:40:00
Speaker
place where he needs to go and he's not just being in like, you know, or like you can take him from my room now and then you guys are just discharged where at least he's going to the next. You know what I mean? Yeah. No, that was, you know, that was, you're right. A little comforting. Yeah. And then the one last, like the one thing that was kind of interesting, um, at least like for me. So, um, we got the plot through like, like my father-in-law kind of helped with the plot. Like we had no plans for that and everything. Yeah, exactly. So, um, but I remember it wasn't at the funeral, but I must've went to his, you know, to visit like the tombstone. Like I don't go, I haven't been there in a while. Like to me, I don't, you know, it's not him. That's just his body or whatever. I'm the same way, but to each their own, right? Yeah. Yeah. But in the, in the beginning I would go and I would just sit there and whatever, but I'm sitting there the first time and it might've been, I don't remember how it was pretty soon. Obviously I entered a funeral and I'm like, I'm just going to go sit.
00:40:54
Speaker
And I turn, and there's a headstone. So I grew up a good friend of mine and his brother. His brother passed away. He was probably about 30 when he passed away. um Kevin, I'll just use his first name. So ah good friends with Mike. Kevin was a couple years younger than me, but he was good friends with my step-brother, great kid, just a big personality, passed away a few years prior. And when I turn from Connor's grave to leave, there's a tombstone right there. of Kevin. And I don't know why I just immediately was like kind of at peace like he's helped he's taking care of Connor right now. Like because like it's weird I i felt like he was alone Connor and like a big cemetery and I'm like just you know and and what's I and I saw the brother Mike ah probably a week later.
00:41:45
Speaker
because I was coaching a son of wrestling and we grew up together in high school and now we're living in town and I told them I had to tell them you know because they're very religious and so yeah I thought it was really i think he cried with me like here we are in the middle of this place and I just like I have to tell you the story you know wow I don't know it's just little stuff like that I say there are no coincidences because like that story I have so many stories of people that have told me obviously different things but like something like that that's not that's not a coincidence it's not of this huge cemetery he could be buried anywhere he's buried right next to you Right. It was literally like, I think as eternity was right there. Yeah. I have to believe that they're together, but he was there to, like you know, take your, so I just believe that. I do believe that. Wow. That's crazy. That's a great story. I'm going to end it there. Okay. If there's anything else that you want to share that I didn't ask you. No, I think I kind of went through everything. I think I hope.
00:42:40
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us on the podcast today, Brad. And thank you for sharing the story of your son, Connor. If you would like to be featured on our podcast, please email us at storyteller at the blindsided.com. Thank you so much for listening. We are honored to have you here. Thank you so much for tuning in into the latest episode of The Blindsided Podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at nicolewiththeblindsided.com or desiré at theblindsided.com.
00:43:14
Speaker
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