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Lucas James Part 2
118 Plays1 year ago
How lucky are we to sit down with Amber Swartz again?
You asked, she answered! This episode we go over some listener questions for Amber.
She continues to amaze us with her passion and positivity in the midst of losing her son, Lucas James. Thank you Amber for sharing your raw and relatable reality.
Amber and her husband Nick are hosting a fundraiser on April 13th, 2024 at Spartan Gym in Bensalem, Pennsylvania. This event benefits Adalyn Rose Foundation, Aubrey's Advocate, and Noelle's Light. There will be a workout followed by a family friendly day with raffles, food, drinks and games! Workout is optional. The Blindsided ladies will be at the event, please come meet us!
Tickets can be purchased here:
https://ticketstripe.com/events/1041363
Thank you for listening. Please consider leaving a review on Spotify or Apple. Your feedback can help us reach others who need to hear these stories.
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Purpose
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree. We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies.
00:00:23
Speaker
We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you
Co-host Introduction and Personal Updates
00:00:32
Speaker
hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast. Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast. It's Nicole. And today I'm here with Amber. Dez has the night off. We are doing our second episode together.
00:00:52
Speaker
Victor, hi. Some of you had some questions for her, so I've got them all here and we're gonna get started. But first, how are you doing? How's life since our last episode? It's good. We got married, so that was fun. The wedding was fun. It was like a great way to end the year. And I feel like ever since then, we've just been figuring life out, the usual. It's nice to be past the holidays. I don't think I realized how
00:01:20
Speaker
rough of a space I was in like November, December, some of January. So it's nice to be like done with that. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And finally, like some sunshine, the days are longer. So it's just when you're down, it makes all the difference. So I'm happy for these nicer days to come. Yes.
Coping with Loss and Community Support
00:01:40
Speaker
Yeah. One of our listeners asked if you have any tips for helping someone close to you cope with a loss when they don't open up that much.
00:01:50
Speaker
Oh, that's funny. Someone reached out to me over the weekend. Their friend had a full term stillbirth and she's like, I don't know what to do. I didn't have anything. It sounds so sad, but like there's nothing you can do. Yeah.
00:02:08
Speaker
I feel like the things, it's the same as almost any other loss, like having food was such a game changer. The meal train I think is the website that people did, so it wasn't like any food went to waste. That's good. That's really helpful. Silly stuff like getting clothes, like comfy clothes, pajamas just to like be sat in.
00:02:30
Speaker
But honestly, I felt like anytime I got something with like Lucas's name on there was like my favorite thing because it just validated that they that like Lucas was real. He mattered. He existed. Like I didn't think I realized how much of an impact that had until I got it. And then I was like, oh, people know my son. Like that was a really big one having his name on there. But I'm also an open book. So I'm very different if someone doesn't want to open up. Yeah.
00:02:57
Speaker
I feel like it's different for everybody. What would be appropriate? And you know your friends, so. Yeah. I hated the how are you doing question, because I'm like, you don't want to know. It's not a good answer. Yeah. And sometimes if it was friends that really were not bugging, but constantly wanted to know, I would be blunt. I'm like, oh, I'm terrible. Is there anything I could do? I'm like, yeah, can you bring Lucas back? If you're going to ask, I'm going to scare you a little. Yeah.
00:03:27
Speaker
That's all I need. Yeah. I think you just have to be there at some point. They might want to open up, but I've met some lost moms who don't, they're not interested, which to each their own. They were like, no, I don't want to be the girl with the baby who died. I'm like, that sucks me either, but here we are.
00:03:48
Speaker
I don't just be like just being there I think like how did you feel about it when you went through your loss? So um I would say like the best things people did for me was like just taking care of things that I my mind couldn't even handle like just little details about the funeral like making sure I had food things that I just you know I wasn't even thinking of yeah and and just like
00:04:12
Speaker
Helping out with people helped out with bills people helped out with funeral expenses Which was nice like even though like the littlest bit because I the time I didn't have like a great job So it was it was tight. Yeah
00:04:24
Speaker
Yeah, I would say, but like some people, like you said, some people don't even want to talk about it. I remember one support group, I did this one mom, she would come and she came every month, but she never talked and she would just sit there and listen. And she told us her baby's name. And I knew because I was able to help her in the hospital as a nurse, but, um, she never, she never really opened up and, but she got what she needed, you know? So some people just aren't, don't want to, you know?
00:04:53
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's really hard. You really do. My only advice that I give anybody is like you have to follow the grieving person's lead.
Mental Health and Medication Post-Loss
00:05:02
Speaker
Yes, they don't want to talk about it. Like it might be scary. Like I'm always worried about the moms that I met that are like, oh, I don't ever mention them. Like, no, I don't want to say my baby's name. Like I can't fault them because that's their story. It's their baby. It's their story that they had to go through. So like,
00:05:20
Speaker
I don't, it's not how I handle it, but I can't be like, what an, you know, a judgy statement about it. So follow the grieving person's lead. Yeah.
00:05:30
Speaker
I don't know if that's helpful. Just give them food. Like, no one wants it when they're sad. Coffee, food. Yeah, coffee, cheese, it's chicken food. Yeah, perfect. I mean, that's the hardest. Yeah, I almost like now that I'm a little bit further out, I almost feel not worse. But like, I just feel so much for all the people that wanted to be there because I'm like, it's you're so helpless. Like, yeah, it's just the worst. So I feel
00:05:59
Speaker
That's hard. I'm sure that friend is really struggling. Yeah. Another thing that someone did was they put a cooler on my porch and just filled it. Everyone told people to fill out food and everyone just put food in it and there was always food. That was great. That's so true because at one point, there's nothing more annoying, such a mean word, but it's just mentally draining when someone's like, hey, do you have dinner for tomorrow?
00:06:28
Speaker
wait, there's a tomorrow. Like, you're just not being aware of what's happening. So it was nice. There's a meal train. I think that's what the website's called now. It wasn't around years ago. But like, everyone can sign up. But it was the same thing where they'd be like, Oh, I have hot food. I'm like, I don't care. Like, I just was talking to a friend about this at work today. Like, you kind of get
00:06:52
Speaker
And again, being 10 months out from my loss, you get a little bit selfish after such a traumatic loss, but in a way that you need to be. Or I'm like, I just don't care about your food getting cold. I don't care. You just don't care about that much. And in the beginning, I was so sensitive. I want to make sure everyone else is OK so that they don't worry about me. Yeah, just anything you can do to be their brain
00:07:21
Speaker
unless they don't have to think, I feel like is the best. That's such a good answer. Absolutely. You need someone to like be there. Yeah. Like I was very lucky to have Nick was like the brain of the group, but not everyone has like, and some partners just don't, everyone shows up differently. And if you don't have a supportive partner, like, yeah, I don't, I don't know how we got through any, I don't know. I feel like it was like a blur in the beginning.
00:07:47
Speaker
Yeah, it's hard to remember. I remember certain moments, but the time just feels like I don't know what happened in that year of my life. I know I drank a lot.
00:08:01
Speaker
I know. Sometimes I'm only 10 months out, which is like in the grand scheme of things like yesterday. I think it's weird that his birthday's next month and I'm like, where? How? So yeah, I can't imagine having like more time out, even like it's just crazier. I'm like, I don't think I'll ever remember
00:08:21
Speaker
certain moments and there's other things like we talked about like the milk and all that like there's things you'll just never forget. Yeah, things that are burned into your brain. I remember too like right after meeting people and I was like maybe like a month out and or like talking to people online and they were like, Oh, I'm just like I just lost my baby and it was like that week but I felt like oh my god like this much time has passed as someone else has lost their baby like I thought I just lost my baby but I'm further out and it's like
00:08:51
Speaker
sad and made me mad all at the same time. Like we say that all the time. I remember like now somehow, I mean, I'm sure you experienced this too. Like you're like the point of contact if a baby ever passes or like, if a stillbirth in the area happens, I'm like, how do all these people find me? But I'm also open and that's what I'm here for when I have this space. But like,
00:09:12
Speaker
I remember it was April, June or July. And then we met a couple that had lost a baby in June, I guess it was. And I'm like, wait, we're not in the rookie class anymore. And we just entered the club. And now there's more stories that I know that I want to admit. But I'm like, I remember Nick just being like, I can't believe babies die all the time. I'm like, how effed up is that? Yeah. It's so crazy.
00:09:44
Speaker
We're not rookies anymore. Oh my God, no. I thought I at least had a year and I'm like, nope. Yeah. Nope. Someone else asked, how did you know it was time for you to change mental health providers when you were prescribed the Ativan? I know we talked about this last episode. Yeah.
00:10:02
Speaker
That was like what a lot of the feedback I got afterwards because I guess there are so many other lost parents or just people who experienced trauma or grief in general were like, yeah, no, I also was prescribed X amount of, you know, whatever the medicine was. And, you know, I always preface this like I am not a mental health care professional, not an actor by any means, but
00:10:26
Speaker
I was lucky that I had a good relationship with my therapist at the time, even though she was new to me too. I just saw her weekly. You just have to kind of like follow your gut. I think like when I, I just expressed to my psychiatrist, I was like, Hey, I
00:10:44
Speaker
Is there a long term game plan? Like, I don't mind if I have to be on these now to like get me through this. Okay, but what's the long term game plan? And there wasn't really a clear answer. The flat out answer I got was like, it's too early in your trauma to not be medicated. And I was like,
00:11:00
Speaker
Okay, well i'm not taking them like quite as prescribed she's like, what do you mean i'm like well first of all my I thought One milligram three times a day seemed like very excessive Yeah, but then I was like, I don't know the worst thing in the world happened like maybe this is normal So that's where like a lot of moms and I connected after our episode where they were like, is this normal?
Dealing with Belongings and Memories
00:11:23
Speaker
Is it not? I was like, look I am not
00:11:25
Speaker
Yeah, prescriber by any means but You just like I couldn't get out of bed some days or like I was just so sick I think they call them like benzo blues like I felt like the next day I woke up and I was more sad than the last day So I like had to take the medicine And I can recognize like I was very lucky that I had therapy work before this
00:11:47
Speaker
So I was quick to be like, hmm, something's not right. Kind of like, I just didn't, I don't know. I didn't feel like whatever myself was at that time, something just felt off. So once I, and like, I have a partner that I was able to be open with. I'm like, look, I love the fact that this turns me off completely, but I feel like that's probably not the right thing. So.
00:12:12
Speaker
Yeah, like once I just saw, there was just not good patterns happening and I was able to share it with like Nick, I was able to share it with my therapist. I don't think I went about it the best way. I like cold turkey'd on my own. I don't recommend doing that. It was not fun for anyone involved. But I was just like that stubborn and fed up that I was like, I'm getting off everything. So like, don't do that at all.
00:12:38
Speaker
Yeah, after I talked to my therapist and she kind of had tilted to like, you're taking how much what's the game plan like there isn't a game plan. That's when I decided to work with a psychiatrist that worked directly with my therapist. So I felt like I was like, on the same team where if I didn't feel supported by one or the other, they could like communicate.
00:12:59
Speaker
So that was, yeah, I just, once I, I mean, it's the same as I would advocate for like a pregnant person. Like if you don't feel heard by your provider, just there's enough out there. Yeah. All right. Um, the next question was, what did you do with Lucas's baby stuff? Like all the stuff you had for him in his nursery when you went home from the hospital?
00:13:24
Speaker
I originally wanted to blow our house up. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of walking into a home. That's the hardest part when you're ready to have a baby. It was our whole damn house. We had a swing in the living room. We had diaper caddies in the living room. I really was just like, can we just blow it up and start over? I had friends and family offer to move everything out.
00:13:53
Speaker
Nick was really hesitant. He's like, no one is moving my son's stuff. I'll do it myself. And I was like, fine. And then I was like, I can't let you do this alone. But I really knew I couldn't do it. So I thought I couldn't. After a few days, we finally came home and we just left everything as it was for like
00:14:12
Speaker
A few months, I think, like we moved nothing. We left the swing there for a while. Cause then like, I mean, even the car seat, I just took out of my car in December because we needed room for everything for the wedding. Like that was the only reason I took it out. I just felt like, I don't know. Once we took it out, I'm like, he's really not going to go in that car seat. Yeah. And it was kind of nice. I would like drive and we had the little mirror thing. So I would like be reminded to talk to him while I was driving, but
00:14:41
Speaker
we didn't nothing his nursery is still now we have like a lot of the gifts that we got after he died like with his name or pictures we did boards for his funeral so like there in his crib the little like memory box you get from the hospitals in the crib we really didn't move anything now like the living room's obviously been shifted and that's in
00:15:02
Speaker
the, I think almost everything's in his nursery. And like, sometimes we go in there and hang out Christmas Eve, like Nick wanted to read a book to him in there. So we picked one of the books and read it. Yeah, it was sweet. But we really
00:15:15
Speaker
We didn't do anything, which I think about all the time. I call the clothes are there. A few days ago, I randomly was like, oh, let me just hang out and have my coffee in there. And I started going through some of the clothes. I forgot about this one, onesie. And I was like, damn, this kind of sucks. Just crazy to think you almost feel some people or I felt like I feel like I'm still pregnant waiting to meet him some days. Yeah.
00:15:41
Speaker
Like I'm so like, is he ever going to wear this? And I'm like, Oh, I've just been pregnant for like two years because you have to be so patient while you're pregnant to meet them. And then you're like, Oh, now he's not ever going to wear this. Yeah, it's weird. But to answer the question, everything's exactly.
00:15:59
Speaker
Yeah, everything's where it was like everything that was in the living room is now and has nursery The car seat and stroller in the garage like we didn't do we're hoping like, you know one day if we get a living kid Like they'll just get all of that stuff. So yeah move anything. Yeah, but I know other people Who had their families completely clear everything out put it in storage or they put everything the nursery closed the door and don't open it like
00:16:24
Speaker
I love sharing my story, but I never want anyone else to feel pressure to honor their kid by not moving it. You can honor your kid by just taking care of yourself and protecting whatever you need to do too. Did you do a lot of your stuff? I kept a lot, but I moved it. It was moved before I came home. I asked family to move it. They moved it out of the house. I just couldn't look at it.
00:16:53
Speaker
And remind me, you were how many weeks? It was my due date. So I was 40 weeks. Yeah. Good times.
00:17:03
Speaker
But yeah, so they moved everything. And then I want to say maybe like a year later, I went back and looked through everything. I kept a couple dolls and like bears that people gave me at the funeral and all this stuff. Like my memory box, I kept that with me too. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And his ashes at first. I remember like my first support group. I was like four weeks out when I first joined three or four weeks in my first support group.
Parenting Through Grief and Creating Memories
00:17:28
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, it was like a blessing because
00:17:32
Speaker
I don't know what I would have done without the group. I just saw four or five of them on Sunday. And we all live in different areas. But I remember judging the shit out of people when they were like, I sleep with my baby next to me. I'm like, no, you don't throw ashes, you weirdo. And now, Lucas sleeps next month. You think it's crazy. And then you're like, oh, wait, I'm also in this club. And it's all you get. So I'm like, yeah.
00:17:59
Speaker
The love I know yeah parent one on the other side is such a different you're still parenting Yes, yeah And like you you can be judgy if you don't never felt that love and that grief like, you know You don't you just don't get it, you know, you know and like my logical brain took over so much in the beginning and
00:18:22
Speaker
I remember just thinking it was so weird that we were hanging out with a corpse. I'm like, this is so spooky and stupid and weird and we have a problem. And now I'm like, thank God we hung out like we did and took the photos and made the memories, because that's all we get. And when you're in it, you just want that part to be over, but then you learn none of it's ever over. So I'm like, I try so hard whenever anyone does reach out, I try and be like,
00:18:51
Speaker
Can you just tell them to take the pictures? Tell them to hang out with the baby. It's not me. No, it's your kid. But sometimes your logical brain, I guess it protects you maybe. Or you're just like, I don't know. Our brains just turn to mush in those moments. But that's something eventually I want to be able to do is just have these letters written in the hospitals to be like,
00:19:14
Speaker
lost mom to lost mom like hang out with your kid read the books the pictures because I realized if it was just me I wouldn't have I know I wouldn't and like thanks to Nick and the bereavement counselor that we had in the hospital it was a whole different experience like
00:19:30
Speaker
I would have never, I wouldn't, and I look at those pictures all the time now. It took me a while, but. Yeah, that's, that's so awesome you have them. Yeah. But it's like, even as a nurse working in the hospital, just telling them like, okay, like this is what's going to happen before the baby is born and to normalize it for them. But they're like, most people are, it's an aversion. They're like, what, what are you saying? That's gruesome. Like that's,
00:19:54
Speaker
that's morbid and I'm like, it's really not. You'll understand in a little bit and then you're able to like kind of steer them into it. But if people don't have someone advocating or telling them, like normalizing it for them, then you know, it's hard. So I think that letter is really a great idea to have.
00:20:13
Speaker
kind of a side tangent, but I was a little silly and didn't make the best decision, but it was fine. A friend reached out to me that a friend of a friend had a stillborn at the same hospital I delivered at. And I was like, oh, you know, let me know. She was like, what can I do? What resources? Blah, blah, blah. I'm like, wait, it's not that far. Is she so dumb? I was like, is she still there?
00:20:35
Speaker
And she's like, I think so. She had the baby on this day, the baby passed on this day. I'm like, I'm going to get a resource package together. I'll drop it off. Not, not thinking Nicole, I had to go into the hospital. So I made the resource package, wrote the note and I was like, you know, trying to do all the things here because she delivered Thursday, the baby passed Saturday.
00:20:58
Speaker
I went in. It was just all a bad idea on my end, like full mental breakdown. Not good because like your body keeps the score like in my head. I was like, I can do this. Like so we got there and then like even on the road to get to the hospital, I like kind of started getting a tight chest and getting nauseous. And I'm like, what's happening? And then I'm like, oh, we're driving down the road.
00:21:20
Speaker
like that I went to go check on Lucas. Like this makes sense. But I got to the front desk and I was like, all right, cool. Here, this is for this person, the baby's name. I didn't even know the patient's last name. I was like, you just have to go like deliver it to maternity. She was like, girl, I am the only one working the desk. Like you can bring it up to maternity. And I was like, sure, sure, sure.
00:21:42
Speaker
Nick grabbed my hand and was like, no, no. I was like, no, it's fine. Like we're already here. Someone needs us. We can do this. Like we needed this, whatever. So we went up to maternity. I went to the front desk girl there. And I'm like, at this point, just not well. Cannot breathe, cannot make words. And I was like, hi, this is for the hospital. I delivered. It has like a special name for the room if you do have a stillbirth or an infant loss. So I assumed anyone working on maternity would know.
00:22:09
Speaker
the name of this room. They did not. So now, of course, they have to write a letter to this hospital. So I was like, no, it's for this room. She's like, the NICU? I was like, you know what? Actually, the baby was a NICU. That'll work. Here, take it. This is the patient's name. This is the baby's name. I got to go by. Lost it after that. But it was a resource package that we have and a book that helped me and a handwritten letter from myself and Nick.
00:22:37
Speaker
But in the letter, it said, take the time, spend the pictures, do, do, do, blah, blah, whatever. Here, the mom was so upset she left as soon as she was cleared to leave because she had delivered Thursday. So she was cleared medically to leave Saturday. Okay. So I got there, I called back and I was like, hey, I was the crazy girl that was just there. I'm just confirming because it just didn't feel like she was going to get it for some reason. Yeah. And the name was a popular baby name. And I'm like,
00:23:02
Speaker
let me just confirm now that I have my breath back. And they were like, yeah, no, we're so sorry. We were confused. But she actually just got discharged like an hour ago. Oh, God. I was like, OK, you have to open that and take the note out. Because then I didn't want her to feel any type of way about not taking the photos if she didn't or not doing the time. You want to make her feel guilty, yes. No. So then she was like, do you want to come back and get it? Do you want us to tell her? And I was like, lady, her nor I will ever step foot in that hospital again.
00:23:32
Speaker
We're done. Yeah. I was like, I just, I did my shock therapy. I'm good. Oh my God. So I told my therapist and it was like one of our couple sessions and she was like, hmm, hmm. I was like, I know I'm not well. I was like, carry on. But now I'm hoping, it was like a dark, rainy Saturday night. I'm like, what a terrible call on my part.
00:23:55
Speaker
But my hope is that I can do that in a better headspace and actually have these letters ready. Because that's the only thing I can think of. If no one knows how to tell someone, please just spend the time with them. And also, I don't know. I didn't want to listen to anybody who talked to me. I'm like, did your baby die? No. OK, go away. Yeah.
00:24:18
Speaker
I, I went to a conference, a bereavement conference and this one author share key aisle, but she writes a lot of like the bereavement books that we hand out at the hospital. And she said it beautifully. She was like, I just tell Pete cause she'll do like bereavement Dola and she'll go to hospitals. And she said she tells families to
00:24:39
Speaker
that they know this is the she knows this is the most painful moment they'll ever experience but if they can just put their tears aside for a few minutes and make these memories they'll appreciate it later and then when that's over the tears and all those heartache can come back but they need to make these moments and it was I just thought it was so beautifully said like
00:24:59
Speaker
because that's what you have to do. You have to like parent and then you can have your moment. So I always try to word it like that at the hospital too. And I think that that's a great way. I love that. And like it sounds weird, but you're in so much shock that you're kind of like, yeah, sure, sure. I'm going to turn my button off. Okay. Like that you in that moment, you really, you can months out, you can, but in the moment you're like, okay, yeah, I love that. I'm going to share that with people. I like that.
00:25:29
Speaker
How do you keep such a positive outlook when this shitty thing has happened to you? It's so funny, because in my head, obviously, we all focus on our own thing. All I could remember talking about in the last episode was being sad, and the ativan, and the drinking. And that's all I could remember talking about. And I was like, what are you doing? Isn't it funny? That's the least. That's all I could remember.
00:26:00
Speaker
I know. And then I listened to it again and I was like, oh, I guess. OK, cool. Like I kept hearing my annoying like, I'm so lucky. So I was like, you were annoying at all. Story of my life. I'm like, shut up. I don't I think because like I acknowledge both of it, like the only reason that I can try and find any kind of silver linings or like hope through it is because I'm like, this fucking sucks. Like point blank.
00:26:29
Speaker
And I'm so lucky I met my son. And it's so sad. I won't like it's both. And I think I like being able to talk about like the shitty stuff so that people know like you're not alone. If you want to numb this out, you're not alone if you
00:26:45
Speaker
You know have really really dark thoughts like that was something people share with me after where they were like, oh, you know, I really Yeah, didn't want to be alive. I'm like, no. Yeah same like wait what really I'm like It was a very and like other lost moms and I have talked about this where it's like this not talked about thing Most of us I shouldn't say everyone but like right no one's gonna do anything But I just remember waking up and being like why am I here? I gotta be alive again today. Why am I here? I remember
00:27:14
Speaker
There's you Yeah, I'm like feeling guilty because you're like why like I am alive. My kid isn't like that's not fair And it's just like that is there and like I recognized that part of it and like it made sense to me I'm like, of course being alive sucks right now but
00:27:34
Speaker
I don't know, like it has to get better.
Therapy Journey and Embracing Grief
00:27:37
Speaker
Like it can't get worse, I don't think. Yeah, I mean, again, I realized like the privilege that I had and like I put myself through a lot of therapy for a lot of years.
00:27:50
Speaker
I don't know if I was lucky or unlucky that like I had a bunch of trauma before losing Lucas. So like there's been work put in to like not crumble if something happens. I mean, this is different. You could have had all the worst things happen, but if it's your kid and like, I also, I have family members who have lost kids as well, but like grown kids.
00:28:12
Speaker
It's still different like I can't imagine what it's like to have 30 some years of memories with my child and then lose them, but I also am like So pissed that I have no I have 36 hours and that's it and like so I don't I think just because the only way to like acknowledge the good stuff is like you have to feel all that really really shitty stuff because
00:28:37
Speaker
Yeah, just part of it. And that's, and like finding the support like I under mental health is so expensive therapy is probably what put me in such a financial hole and like, these last few months, honestly, it's my most expensive bill. So very transparently, I cut back because I'm like, this just isn't in the beginning, I like needed every five seconds, I probably still do now, but I'm like, I just can't swing it as frequently as
00:29:03
Speaker
I could so like I found more support groups like other things that are a little bit more either free support groups or sliding scale or community based or whatever. Just you have to find people who get it people who like let you be like say the crazy stuff. Like I would be lost without my friends who like let me have the dark humor and don't like want to three to me like now that makes sense. Yeah, I mean,
00:29:31
Speaker
Yeah. Do you have how many years out now? Yeah. So like, I mean, is Henman 16? Like, does what?
00:29:43
Speaker
How do you just like not, I mean, I'm working in the medical field too. Like how do you have your mindset and like help people have a lot of... Therapy, like you. Also, I think like the time has helped me to help me to live with this and just like learn how to build my life around it. I sent out in an email, I think the last one we did for February, that
00:30:11
Speaker
in order to like have true happiness in your life and truly be happy you have to feel these sad low moments because if you just kind of like ignore it don't feel it um take take medication to just kind of like
00:30:27
Speaker
numb yourself, you will never feel true happiness because you're just going to be numb. You have to feel, have the lows to feel the highs. And that's kind of like what I've done with my life and really embraced my grief and
00:30:43
Speaker
and live with it. And I feel so happy when I can help other people. And I think that's why I'm a nurse. Like that gives me a sense of purpose and that's why I love doing this. Yeah. That makes total sense. And that's exactly, I mean, I think that's it. You have to feel the shitty stuff to be able to get to like the other side. Yeah. My therapist worded it in a way where like,
00:31:08
Speaker
your grief's always with you, but sometimes it's like a giant like flat screen TV box. Sometimes it's a ring box. Sometimes like it's just different sizes and you can just like open up the box and check on it and be like, Hey, how are we doing? And if it's like, we are not well, then you're like, okay, like, okay, you're going to be on the mic. My dog just, um, but I liked that because then
00:31:34
Speaker
It didn't make me feel like I had to carry this giant heavy box around all the time and stare at it. It was just like, hey, we're going to close the box today. We'll peek on it at the end of the day, almost compartmentalizing. But just being like, hey, are we good? And it's like, we're not that sad. Carry on and just go back to your day. It was like, we are drowning and we're going to implode. It's like, all right, got it. Let me work on this a little bit more. Yeah, not to ignore it. Yeah, to work through it. Absolutely. Yeah.
00:32:03
Speaker
Yeah. And that felt helpful. And like, even now there's some days I'm like, Nick, I made it through work when I was sad. He's like, yes. I love him. That's sweet. Before I would have been like.
00:32:13
Speaker
He's really, I don't know how I got lucky. And sometimes I'm like, you're gross, you're so annoying. But he really, and like clients and I were talking about a lot of stuff at work today, but going to therapy was like game-changing for us. And he is not a therapy guy by any means. So yeah, I feel like just having that was so helpful. Cause it let me know like my stuff that I was putting on him that I didn't realize like is not his job.
00:32:43
Speaker
And then also let him know like, oh, she just needs to be like hyped up every day. Because I'm like, I went to work today. He's like, so does everyone. I'm like, no, I went and I need to let you know. Yeah. You should be proud of me. Yeah. That's perfect. Yeah. What would you say to someone just experiencing loss? I'm so sorry.
00:33:12
Speaker
You just like, you have to hold on. There's, that's it. And I remember like telling myself that in the beginning, it gets better, which sounds so stupid in the beginning.
Relationships and Communication Post-Loss
00:33:26
Speaker
I hate the beginning. Cause you're just like so naive. Like you think you're fine. And like, even now.
00:33:36
Speaker
10 months out like I'm so jealous of all of my friends like a lot of us were pregnant at the same time and now I like openly I'm like oh my god I'm so jealous like not to them they don't need to know that by any means like each
00:33:51
Speaker
a few months, I felt like hit a new emotional milestone. So like even 10 months out, like now I'm like, I'm pissed. I'm so jealous that like, especially now like Lucas would be 10 months, like he'd be cool now, you know, like he'd be like being a pain in the ass, like standing up, eating food, like all the stuff that I was so excited to watch. We didn't know it was a boy, but once we did, like a little boy would do. So it's the beginning. Yuck. I have no,
00:34:23
Speaker
You just got to hold on. And like, I don't know if it gets easier is not the word, like kind of exactly as you said, you find better ways to carry it or like more manageable ways to carry it with you because I remember at six months it like hit me like a bag of bricks and I was like, this isn't going away. Yeah.
00:34:42
Speaker
Like even with his, like I'm dreading. I still have weird feelings about the word birthday. I don't, I always just say it's been like 10 months since we met Lucas. And which is like my own work that I have to do. Cause I'm like, he was born, but he's not alive. Like, what is this? So that's my own stuff. But I'm like, Oh, it's been over time now this month. It'll be 11 months since you met Lucas. But.
00:35:04
Speaker
I'm like, all right, maybe I'll be better after a year. And I'm like, what changes? Nothing changes. And for some reason, at six months, I remember being like, oh, this is permanent. So like, I don't know, first, you just have to hold on in the beginning. It gets worse, it gets better, it gets better again. Yeah, it's like waves. And they're like, crashing in.
00:35:28
Speaker
Yeah, there it's it waves is like the perfect word because the tide comes in and comes out. Yeah. Like I remember I was the friends I was with on Sunday, we were like, could you ever imagine this is where we would be? Yeah, we all met like relatively soon after our losses. One of the girls was pregnant when I met and I'm like, you're delirious. I don't know how you're pregnant. Like, and then we got to meet her baby on Sunday. I'm like,
00:35:55
Speaker
It's like life does it's so hard to believe in the beginning because I remember who'd been like, you know, the annoying boomers would be like, you're young, you can have a baby again. And I was like, F you. I am never doing this again. That is mean. And I don't deserve a baby. Like you just your brain is such.
00:36:13
Speaker
Oh, it's such mush. You're so mean to yourself in the beginning. Yeah, just like just feel it. I don't if you're in the beginning, like you got to just feel all of it to get just like we said earlier, like to get to the other side.
00:36:28
Speaker
And I've never been a jealous person in any other aspect of my life. I'm always like, that's good for you, this is good for me. And I'm sure it'll change in its own time, but I'm very happy that I can acknowledge, I'm not mad at the baby, I'm not mad at the mom, but I'm just very jealous of anyone who's an eight to 12 month old. I'm like, wow, very jealous of you.
00:36:52
Speaker
The emotions just change. I wasn't jealous in the beginning. I remember feeling guilty. I was like, oh my gosh, I've forced myself to see my friends' babies. And I'm like, look, here's me in a newborn. This is fine. And then I'm like, why did I do that to myself? I'm surviving. Yeah, literally. I'm like, look, this is great. I love babies. And meanwhile, now I'm kind of like, I have
00:37:14
Speaker
pulled back and that was something, I don't know if we talked about that, but a lot of people were asking if relationships changed, and they have. And none of it's bad, I would say. I think more friends get it than don't. Anybody who has a kid that's around Lucas's age, for the most part, they almost don't acknowledge that their kid exists. And I'm like, thank you.
00:37:39
Speaker
And I used to feel bad. I was like, I like they had a kid like I would be talking about my kid if he was here, but he's not and like that's a really big.
00:37:50
Speaker
issue. That changes things. So I'm just really thankful for my friends who get it. And if I have this space, I'll ask about the rabies and be like, oh, is he sleeping? Is she eating food? Whatever. But if I don't ask, most friends, not all, but most people kind of get it. And they're like, just don't bring it up. But the beginning, yuck.
00:38:12
Speaker
I just, you have to hang on. It's the worst. It really doesn't get like more deliriously worse than the beginning because that shock is, it's there. I mean, I feel.
00:38:26
Speaker
Even in less than a year or so, I still feel like there is a little bit of shock that protects me because I don't think we could fully feel how bad it is until you're enough time out. And maybe if our family expands and whatever changes, I'm sure that'll help shift things a little bit. The jealousy will change, whatever else. But yeah, that shock, I'm happy that a little bit of it's still there because I'm like, there's some days where I'm just like, did that?
00:38:53
Speaker
Is that me? Is that real? Like still. Yeah. Yeah. You just gotta hold on. That's it. Like simple and hard as it may be. If you're in the beginning, you already know that that sounds impossible. I think that's great. I love that. I love that advice. Yeah.
00:39:16
Speaker
How are you and Nick so strong? It's beautiful how much awareness you're bringing to end the taboo by talking about it and bringing awareness to the subject of pregnancy loss. So. Yeah, I mean, it's therapy and like we don't even go that consistently. But when we went, we just like let it all out. And we both really learned like just communication is key and not we communicate differently. We need different things like.
00:39:47
Speaker
I think the hardest thing was when they were like, okay, well, normally it's like, well, what do you need? Just tell your partner what you need. But when you're in survival mode, like I didn't know what I needed. I'm like, I have no clue. I need you to pick me up and carry me through life.
00:40:03
Speaker
So just being able to figure out so much of it is like us figuring out ourselves and not putting that on our partners. But the therapy was nice because we both had very different like parenting experiences. So our
00:40:19
Speaker
like trauma barometers were so, so different. So like my brain was wired one way, his was wired another way. And it just took a really long time for us to figure out like, why do I automatically think the worst? Like, I'm like, what are we going to do if our whole family dies? What is wrong with you? You got to be prepared for the worst thing ever.
00:40:42
Speaker
And then I was beating myself up because I didn't prepare myself for this worst thing ever because why no normal person does Yeah, I mean we just talk a lot I say all the crazy things in the beginning I didn't because I'm like I can't ask him these crazy questions and then sometimes I would but the crazy questions were like I
00:41:04
Speaker
Do you think I killed Lucas? What the F? Why would you do that? That's legitimate. That's legitimate. Yeah. But we would just be like laying in bed about to fall asleep. And I'm like, I wonder if it was the run I went on. What are you talking about? I'm like, that's it. I must have killed him. And like, I know it sounds crazy, especially to anyone listening who hasn't experienced this. But these are legitimate thoughts that we, I mean, everyone I've ever talked to has.
00:41:31
Speaker
had. I still, I know better. And I still Google can running cause a fetal maternal hemorrhage? And it's like, did you fall? Like, no, no, no, just like a little jog for three seconds to catch my dog. No. It wasn't like the walk that I went on. It wasn't the stretch that I did. Like,
00:41:51
Speaker
But I would put that on him and be like, well, you have to tell me it's not his job to calm my crazy thoughts. And once I stopped acting like it was, and once he could understand, all he has to do is just be like, I get why you would feel like that. That was it.
00:42:07
Speaker
It just needed validation that like, hey, I don't think that's true, but I get why you would think that. And I was like, really? But he didn't know how to do that. No. He just don't always know. So he had to just, he was like, what do you want from me? I'm like, just say okay. Just say like, yeah, that makes sense. He's like, but I think it's crazy. I'm like, don't tell me that. Keep that to yourself.
00:42:30
Speaker
Yeah, like I joke around I called our therapist are like translator all the time because like what he would say and what I would hear very different things. Yeah, it's so crazy. But that's most relationships, honestly, like, I mean, I feel like, like, not that I'm happy Lucas died by any means, but I'm like, wow, it finally got us and not that we were in a bad place, but like, they're so much stronger. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone just needs a translator. Yeah. I'm like couples therapy is and when I tell you he is like, not a therapy guy, like,
00:43:01
Speaker
He's like, I'm cool. Everything's fine. I was like, really? Are you sure? But yeah, I mean, and I know, again, financially, it drained my pockets. So I'm glad we did it in the thickness of things, and we still do it at different capacity. So I get that it's not accessible for everyone, which drives me so freaking crazy. I know. I just saw a meme yesterday, and it was like,
00:43:28
Speaker
If I win the lottery, there'll be signs and it was like someone sitting in therapy, then having lab work done and like, you know what I mean? Just accessing healthcare. Yeah. It's so crazy. Yeah. It's so dumb. So like, even if not, like just, if it's not your partner, you just have to have someone to say the crazy things to. Because like you said, like, our brains are just
00:43:53
Speaker
I mean, even mothers to living kids, like you guys can relate, you're going to do, if something happens to your kids, like your brain. Just it's your fault. Like as a parent, you just, why didn't I know they were going to fall off the monkey bars? Why didn't I like, why did I let my sick friend kiss my kids? Like, you know, like all of that stuff is, it is kind of crazy. I think I separated myself so much from postpartum without a living child with my friends who are postpartum with a living child.
00:44:21
Speaker
And yes, it's very freaking different. But A, we're still all in the same identity loss phase of postpartum. I'm like, that's so weird. This isn't my body still all these months later. And it's nice because my friends who are postpartum are kind of feeling the same way. And that protecting the mother thing doesn't go away, whether your kid's here or on the other side.
Community Support and Fundraising Efforts
00:44:47
Speaker
opening up and just saying crazy things and then it also let Nick like open up about like some stuff he had like I had a dream about Lucas and like you did like it was never yeah like I don't think it's something you would have normally shared or if I was like and we're different like I picture Lucas as a 10 month old so in my head he's like on the other side like you know calls in trouble and Nick still sees him as a new boy yeah so like
00:45:12
Speaker
I think that's, it's interesting how it just goes to show like the same people went through the same thing in such different ways. And we are both just as sad and like still see it so differently. So just talk, we just talk a lot. Yeah. And he stopped like not even stopped, but like understood better that like, I'm not crazy. What I'm saying is normal. It might like exactly like you said, a random person who's going to be like, who thinks they killed their kid? I'm like, Oh, every lost mom ever.
00:45:43
Speaker
100%. I've never met one. Yeah. Yeah. The amount of things I've Googled where I'm like, Hmm, was it this? Was it that? Like, yeah, so and still, there's still times where I'm like, you know, I'm doing follow up blood work and all this other stuff. I'm like, Wait, was it this? And they're like, No, I had nothing to do. Okay, thanks. And like, for our story, personally, like, I don't
00:46:06
Speaker
I really don't think anything happened. I know that sounds, and I'm sure maybe 20 years from now we'll have answers to fetal maternal hemorrhage, but for now, I do sadly, annoyingly think it was a freak accident that
00:46:20
Speaker
something just happened and he died and that was that. And I'm hoping that that changes. But yeah, like for us, even knowing that I still googled all the crazy things. So once I was able to just say the crazy stuff to him and he was able to like just validate that I'm not crazy, but I get it. That was it. Like just the communication was. That's it. That's like the only
00:46:49
Speaker
And just, we just, that we do, we talk like all the time. And I think we, I mean, I obviously we did to some capacity before, but our emotional intelligence was like different. And I don't think we knew how to have deeper conversations in like a productive way. I would always be like, don't you think like something crazy and out of this world and he's like, what's the F is happening in your brain?
00:47:11
Speaker
So now just having him be like, yeah, that is crazy. Like it's so simple. Just like, yeah, that is, I never thought of it that way. Like that's it. That's perfect. Cause like that shows so much trust that you have in him that you can say those things out loud to him and that he can tell you too. So it's beautiful. I love that. I love that so much. Yeah. I very lucky. And I always feel for like,
00:47:35
Speaker
I have no idea how people go through this without a decent partner. I'd give you guys that much more credit if that's the story because I don't know what I'd do. Yeah. Somehow you make it, right? Always do. There's no other option really. You're so strong. I'm like, oh, thank you. There's no other choice.
00:48:00
Speaker
Yeah, so I know you have an event coming up. Can you tell me a little bit about that? And like, yes, I'm excited. So last year, I was delusional and planned a
00:48:14
Speaker
fundraiser to honor Lucas, and we put all the money that was raised to three or four organizations. We did Aubrey's Advocate, Noelle's Light, Three Little Birds, and I think we did Butterfly Baskets too.
00:48:32
Speaker
And that was like four months postpartum. I planned it like, yeah, went well. We had an insane turnout. We raised like $18,000 total for real. It was so good. And it's nice that like we already have told ourselves like, it's okay if we don't hit that same goal. Cause it's like the first few months, it was like, I also like didn't shut up about it. Now I feel like I'm trying to fall back from social media a little bit, which doesn't help.
00:48:59
Speaker
But this year we're going to do it in April because it's Lucas's birth month. So on April 13th at our gym that Nick owns, at Spartan Gym, it's in like the Ben Salem area next to Philadelphia. We're having a workout if that's your thing, but if not, we do like a family day barbecue after.
00:49:20
Speaker
You can buy tickets. We'll leave the link with Nicole so that you can click underneath. Raffles, barbecue food. There's drinks, mocktails, cocktails. We have a really great mobile bartending company coming. They're called Top Teeny. And they did last year. And their drinks are so good. Nashamny Creek Brewing Company donates beers. That's where we had our baby shower. So they're a really important part of our story.
00:49:46
Speaker
Um, who else is there? There's just, there were so many, I think we had like 55 raffles last year. So yeah, it was, it's so, it's just like important. We have different organizations set up tables there for resource packages so people can learn about just all the ways that they can give back to these companies. So
Finding Safe Spaces and Family Support
00:50:04
Speaker
I'm really excited. So it's April 13th, because we're going to actually go away for Lucas's birthday. Oh, nice. Um, yeah. What, uh, foundations are you, uh, fundraising for this time around?
00:50:16
Speaker
So this year we'll have Noelle's Light. They're going to set up a table as well as Aubrey's Advocate and Adeline Rose Foundation. Nice. All right. Wonderful. Yeah. So I'm excited. All right. So one last question. What happens between being discharged from the hospital and then going home?
00:50:41
Speaker
So we didn't have a game plan originally. We like hopped in the car where the car seat was and then that sucked. And that was like my very first thing I wanted to figure out. I was like ready to change the world after I left the hospital. I'm like we have to fix this and this and this.
00:51:00
Speaker
We really had nowhere to go. I didn't want to go home because I'm like, this is going to be the worst. Nick wanted to go home to move everything himself. He like didn't want anyone to help. So our first game plan was like, we'll just drive home. I'll stay in the car. Nick will move the stuff and then we'll be fine. But like we were three minutes into driving and I was like, I can't. I drove.
00:51:24
Speaker
Oh, God. That's part of it all. I just wanted to be in control of something, I think. I don't think anyone cared. No one was going to be like, lady, you can't drive. You're still not well. And I was like, where are you from? So we were like three minutes into driving. And I was like, I cannot go home. And I don't have a relationship with my parents. Nick's family lives on our street, literally. So I'm like, wait, we have nowhere to go.
00:51:53
Speaker
So I called my aunt, who I'm super, super close with, and I was like, Hey, can I come to your house? And she was like, she is kind of like a, it's funny. I always called it the playroom because that's what it was when we were kids. But like her whole basement set up, it's like, there's a bedroom, a bathroom. Like you can stay on that one floor. And I'm pretty sure she cleaned it up in like the five seconds that I asked, but it was with that question. She was like, yep, everything's ready. Please come. And she's just like, she knows me so well.
00:52:23
Speaker
that i was like i was like we don't want to talk to anybody i just need to order food and sleep so it was honestly like the best setup we could possibly ask for because we came in we went right in the little room nick got us pizza i wanted santu cheese that's all i wanted
00:52:39
Speaker
We ate pizza and slept for hours. And then when we woke up, I just had a text on my phone, there's food outside if you want it. She was just best case scenario to have. I could get emotional thinking about it because she is my person. What an angel. I don't think she knows. I know. I don't think she knows how vital that was for us. She got me the cabbage for my milk, the Sudafed.
00:53:03
Speaker
but without bugging me. Like I can picture my love my mom to death and she's gone now but she would have been so freaking annoying of like knocking on the door. Are you okay in there? Yes. And like my aunt Laura was just the best where she would just like left eggs on the floor outside of the room like whenever you're ready and I would just like a little gremlin like open the door and close it.
00:53:25
Speaker
Um, she let like not let, but no, let like my friends wanted to come over the next day. They're like, Hey, we have coffee and donuts. Like, can we come by? I'm like, let me ask my, and if I can have my friends, what do you mean? So like they came over, we hung out in the basement. I watched like the hangover and bridesmaids and just like dumb shit. And it was like unspoken. Like if I was, if Nick and I were like in the actual basement, like everyone was welcome to hang out with us. If we weren't, if we were in the room, like,
00:53:55
Speaker
don't bother us. She went to my house, which like now I think back and I'm like, Oh my God, I can't believe I asked someone else to go into the house. That's probably so sad as well. But she went to the house to get the dog, brought the dog to me because she knew that I would. I know, like, I think back now I'm like, I don't even think she realized it. I think she just like went into mom mode and was like, someone I love needs me. Let me do the things.
00:54:19
Speaker
But I think of that all the time because if we didn't have her like we were looking at hotels that like I pulled over on the side of the road we were looking at hotels and Airbnbs and I know like any of my friends Nick's family would have let it like it wasn't a question. It was just a matter of like who's gonna Honestly, like leave me the whole space. Yeah Yeah, Laura The fundraiser so I can meet her She
00:54:49
Speaker
Yeah, so that's what we did. I know other people who didn't have that luxury, other people who were able to go to their in-laws or their parents and just stayed there. Some of my friends stayed for weeks before they went home. How long did you stay at Aunt Laura's?
00:55:05
Speaker
three. He was born Wednesday. He was born on a Wednesday. I got discharged Thursday. We were there till like Saturday. It was very nice, but it was not our bed. I just wanted my shower. I think I like tapped out of all my hospital clothes at that point. I was like in diapers and, you know, like I had coastal boobs for like however long. And then we had to start doing all the funeral stuff and like getting Lucas's clothes together and
00:55:34
Speaker
Yeah. So we were there like three days and I just was like, we got it. We have to go home at some point. Nick wanted to move the stuff. I didn't want him to move it alone. So like we really didn't have, once we decided, I'm like, let's just leave it. Like it's going to be more sad to go home when like everything's gone. Like it's going to be more empty. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we just went home to like our house as it was. We've really left like that for so long. I don't know when we moved this thing out of the living room, but like, and I remember when I did it, it was like,
00:56:04
Speaker
as if I was like, oh, I'm just gonna straighten up the house real quick. Like there was no emotional tie to it. And then that, it was like not fun, not a good time. Well, I mean, for other people, like I don't, I don't know. I mean, like maybe if we didn't have that buffer, maybe we would have moved everything. I don't know. That's the word. You had like some days to think about it. Yeah. Yeah. And I went back and forth where I was like, well, if we move it, it's gone. If we don't move it, it's there. Like it sounds so obvious, but.
00:56:32
Speaker
Yeah, without those, I don't know what we would have done. And it was just nice to like.
00:56:38
Speaker
I didn't feel as intimidated for people to come over, like if they wanted to be there for us. I didn't want them to have to walk into like our sad house. Right. Right. It was like coming to me once. It was like where we went when we were kids and a basement we used to drink in. That's awesome. Aww. Yeah, we were, I don't know. But like, as soon as I left, I'm like, Nick, we have to buy a condo near every hospital just for this. He's like, I don't think they need it that frequently. And now we're like, maybe they do. Yeah, who knows?
00:57:06
Speaker
So at some point- That's a great idea. Yeah. I love that. I don't know how that works, because it'd be very silly to pay a mortgage on something that's used, and it would be donated. So I'm sure there's- There's ways. One day, we'll figure it out. But that was like, I mean, we're just, again, even with having an untraditional family on my side, and Nick's parents, they were worried from a distance. So they would have been so worried in the same house. Yeah.
00:57:35
Speaker
You just don't want to burden people either, which is, it's not a burden. Heads up everybody. It is not a burden, but, and you don't want to be bothered. Like I don't just feed me and let me sleep for 15 hours. Oh, I mean, that's what we did. And everyone's, some people went right back, but like the house, like you said, your house was cleared.
00:57:56
Speaker
Some people took weeks, some people took months. If families were out of state, I have some friends who went out of state and just stayed with their families for as long as they possibly could.
00:58:07
Speaker
Yeah, that that would be nice to be able to get out of the state for a little while to just to be away from everything. Yeah, country would have been. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I know. And it depends like people's leave like Nick and I are both self employed. So I was able to and I was already on maternity leave, obviously, but he went back like,
00:58:27
Speaker
I mean, that sucked. I'll never forget. He had to send a text to his clients because he was supposed to have personal training clients that day. And some of them got it a little bit where he was like, hey, I won't be in work for the foreseeable future. I'll keep you updated. And some just assumed normal people were like, oh, yay, it must be baby time. And other people were like, hope everything's OK. Because that's just a weird text. It wasn't like, hey, the baby's here. I'm out of work.
00:58:55
Speaker
I'm going to be out for a minute. I think that the people that probably texted back or hope everything is okay have had some kind of horrible thing happen to them too. So they get it. Yeah. Right. So yeah, that's what we did. I would have been lost without that buffer period. And like my friends that came over and they just like sat there, I'm sure they like, I don't know, back to like, when we were talking about in the beginning, like,
00:59:21
Speaker
I remember one of my friends was like, you were making so many dark jokes in the hospital. Then I'm like, wow, she's really not well. And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, you were just saying like, he's so freaking cute. I'm going to punch him in the face.
00:59:34
Speaker
But that's what I would say if he was alive. But yeah, there was just pure delusion. And friends just came by and they're like, how are you? I was like, you know, I have coleslaw on my bra. And they're like, what do you mean? I was like, because I have to dry up my back. Because maybe it's an idea.
00:59:53
Speaker
And like how rude our bodies are in the beginning, right? They'd be like, how'd you sleep? I'm like, well, my body wakes me up every two hours because like baby is supposed to be eating. And they're like, oh, do you want a donut? Change the subject. I know my one girlfriend was like 34 or five, six, something like that, 30 some weeks pregnant, like over there trying to support me. And I was like,
01:00:15
Speaker
Don't worry, your baby will be fine. Yeah, because then you feel a little guilty too, because you're like, oh. Oh my god. I don't think it was so mad at you. Yeah. It's not actually mad at her, but I lied to her and said I couldn't have visitors in the hospital. She was like, I'm going to come by. And I was like, nope, nope, no one can come. And here, I have such a good group of girls. They all came together for the most part. They coordinated so that it wasn't as hard for anybody. And she walked in and I was like,
01:00:43
Speaker
You're not supposed to be here. And she's like, okay, I'm not gonna not come meet my nephew. And I was like, whatever. But I think back sometimes I'm like, why did you do that? Like, I always wonder how much like survivor guilt some of my friends might have. Some of them have shared it with me, which is, you know, it's nice to know that like, it makes sense. But I'm like, that sucks. Like, you know, one should feel bad for having a living kid just because Lucas couldn't figure it out. And
01:01:12
Speaker
Oh my God, I love you. But yeah, what a ride. Yeah, for real. Thank you everyone for listening to this episode of the Blindsided podcast. If you want to send some love to Amber, you can email us at storyteller at the blindsided.com. Thank you for listening.
01:01:34
Speaker
Thank you so much for tuning into the latest episode of The Blindsided Podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at nicolewiththeblindsided.com or desiré at theblindsided.com.
01:01:52
Speaker
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01:02:10
Speaker
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