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Oliver's Story
92 Plays1 year ago
Mom Sara Shepherd tells the story of the pregnancy and birth of her son, Oliver. Sara’s story is near and dear to us because we have been fortunate to watch her journey over the last few years. Sara is a mom, wife, friend, and middle school math teacher in NJ.
Over a period of weeks Sara experienced a concealed abruption which led to an emergent delivery. In this episode, Sara addresses multiple issues surrounding her pregnancy with Oliver and subsequent pregnancy, including her concerns being brushed off because she was a first time mom and finding support during the height of COVID .
Sara was able to survive her experiences by attending therapy twice a week, attending a local Wave of Light event, reluctantly attending her first support group and realizing it was a good fit, and honoring Oliver’s legacy via projects called Ollie Bears linked below and O.N.S. Creations-also linked below.
Thank you Sara, for sharing your story. We are honored to have you in our community.
To read more about Sara, you can visit our website here:
https://theblindsided.com/latest-podcast-episodes/
To read more about Ollie Bears & O.N.S. Creations, you can visit the websites here:
https://www.instagram.com/o.n.s.creations/
If you have a message for Sara please email us at nicole@theblindsided.com or desiree@theblindsided.com
Thanks for listening!
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Transcript
Introduction to the podcast and guests
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree. We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies.
00:00:23
Speaker
We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast.
00:00:41
Speaker
Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast. We're your hosts, Desiree and Nicole. Today we have Sarah Shepard here with us. We met Sarah through our support group that we have been doing for a few years. Sarah started coming in the year 2021 after she lost her son, Oliver. Thank you so much, Sarah, for being here today and sharing your story of Oliver with us.
Sarah's life before and during early pregnancy
00:01:02
Speaker
Thank you for having me. Sarah, can you tell our listeners a little bit about yourself?
00:01:07
Speaker
My name is Sarah. I'm 33 years old. I always have to think what year it is because I was born in 1990. So it's easy to figure out my age. But anyway, I met my husband when I was 18.
00:01:22
Speaker
and he was 19 and then we started dating and we got married in 2018. I am a middle school math teacher. I teach seventh grade, which most people will cringe at, but I promise that their bark is louder than their bite. They truly just
00:01:43
Speaker
They still want to just do everything for you. So that's really nice. I really enjoy my job I really like crafting I used to run a lot more. I really want to get back into that but just going back to work and The weather changing and just everything's been really crazy since the birth of our second child and last March It's just been really busy. I really like to read
00:02:11
Speaker
I used to do that a lot more, especially when the baby was really little because then I could read while he napped on me and he wouldn't wake up and it was great. I would just read all the time. I read so many books, but now that he's completely mobile, I can't do that that much. Yeah. It's hard to find the time with a little baby. Yeah. Yeah. So I do it again. Can you tell us about your pregnancy journey with Oliver?
00:02:35
Speaker
Yeah, so God, what year was it? It was 2020, dreaded 2020. 2020 was the worst year. My husband and I on our second anniversary decided that we would start trying to have a baby.
00:02:50
Speaker
Most people we knew got pregnant pretty easily and it felt a lot longer than it was. It was just about seven or eight months of us trying and I had just gotten in contact with a fertility doctor.
00:03:06
Speaker
recommended from a friend. And then we found out that I was pregnant on January 2nd, 2021 was when I got my first pregnancy positive. And I wasn't even planning to take a pregnancy test, but I had a glass of wine the night before. And I was like, this just doesn't taste right. And then the next afternoon we went to next grandmother's house and we had Chinese food. And I was like, I'm going to throw up.
00:03:36
Speaker
So I went home the next morning and I went home that night and it was negative. I took a pregnancy test the next morning, the second, and it was positive. Well, I love when pregnancy journeys start with had a glass of wine. It didn't taste right. And it was bad. Yeah.
00:03:58
Speaker
Yeah, it was really weird because it was New Year's Eve and I was like, we don't really like drink like that. But you know, it's New Year's Eve, we have a couple glasses where we're at his parents, so we're not worried about anything and it just didn't taste right. So I
Pregnancy complications and Oliver's birth
00:04:12
Speaker
had something else and that didn't taste right. And I was like, something's going on here because I thoroughly enjoy my wine.
00:04:20
Speaker
Still do yeah, so then I wrapped it up and a sunglass box It was the only thing I had I wrapped it up and I put we got our Christmas miracle after all and I wrapped it up And I put it under the tree
00:04:35
Speaker
And I told my husband that, oh, I forgot one year presents came late in the mail. Like, you know, it happened to the Amazon and I couldn't get it here on time, but it came. I was so surprised. It wasn't supposed to come to February, whatever. I made it. And he opened it and yeah, then he saw it and I was really, we were really excited. And I took my cute pictures of the like little box that I wrapped in the little note. We still have it too. Um, that's so sweet. Oh my gosh. That's a cute story. Oh my gosh.
00:05:05
Speaker
I haven't thought about that in a long time. Yeah. And then I wasn't even eight weeks yet because I didn't have my first OB appointment because they don't bring you until like nine weeks, which is crazy. But I was at work. It was COVID. So there's no kids. It was just myself and my co-teacher in the room. And I went to the restroom before class started and I was bleeding.
00:05:31
Speaker
and it wasn't like brown blood it was bright red and i was like oh my god i'm losing the baby like i'm at work uh so i leave she was my co-teacher so she took the class i left did you drive yeah i went right to the doctors the doctors are only it's only about like
00:05:49
Speaker
Without traffic, it's only like five minutes, 10 minutes down the road. So it's not far. They got me in, they did the ultrasound, everything looked fine. They just said that it might just be residual blood. It was weird that it was red and not brown, but, um, and I was like, okay, like I felt fine except for that, which had me panicking. And then a lot over the pregnancy, I just had body on and off. I had a lot of, I don't know if I can say this word on the podcast, like vaginal pain. Can I say that?
00:06:18
Speaker
fine by me. Yeah, you can't even say rectal. Just checking. I wasn't sure. Yeah, I can't explain it any other way. Now I know what it was. It was my cervix struggling, just struggling to stay like strong and stay closed. But I didn't know that time. And I just I don't know, I'd never been pregnant. So doctors told me everything was fine. And I mean, I felt like it wasn't. And every time I went in, I told them like, I feel like something's wrong.
00:06:46
Speaker
something's not right something's not right i even told nick like i called my parents like sobbing all the time and i was like something's just not right but i don't know what it is because i don't know and seventeen weeks i had what i thought were contractions and more bleeding um so they sent me to obi triage and apparently that's like rare before 20 weeks i guess
00:07:08
Speaker
Yeah, they don't like to send you there. But they were concerned because I was actually having contractions. And I think they thought if I was going to give birth, they didn't want me to give birth at home. So they sent me that's my thinking. Again, I don't know. So I went and they did an internal exam. They said I'm not dilated. They did an internal ultrasound to measure the length of the cervix. It was like three point something and it was closed. So
00:07:34
Speaker
Everything looked good. They couldn't find the source of the bleeding. They couldn't figure it out because they did an ultrasound. They checked the placenta. They checked the cervix. They checked everything and they told me everything's fine. We don't know where it's coming from. Just go home and rest. Like I thought they were going to put me on bed rest. So I kind of put myself on bed rest, I guess. Again, it was COVID. So I didn't have to stand up and teach all day. There were no kids. I could sit in my chair. Like it was good. I stayed home. I kept my feet up. Um,
00:08:01
Speaker
And then around, oh god, it was May 3rd. It was May 3rd. And again, bleeding. I felt like I was having contractions. Then I was over 20 weeks. Again, they sent me to Obitriage. They hooked me up to the Mona and they were like, you are having contractions.
00:08:16
Speaker
How many weeks were you at this point? Were you 20 weeks? I was 40 weeks and four days. 24, okay. So they said, we're going to try to get your contractions under control and then go from there. And I said, okay, they just gave me IV fluids, you know, thinking maybe I was a little dehydrated, the contractions stopped. And again, they checked my cervix, they checked everything and it was fine.
00:08:42
Speaker
They don't know where the bleeding was coming from. They just, you know, take it easy, drink lots of water, come back if you're having any issues. And the next morning overnight, I woke up and I knew they were real contractions. But of course, you know, they're like, Oh, first time mom, they try to tell you that it's Braxton Hicks and this and that. And they were like, you were just an OB triage yesterday. Do you really need to go back? I was like, I am in labor.
00:09:10
Speaker
What don't you understand? They had me comment, they were like, just come into the office. So my mother-in-law came, she took me to the office, so I didn't want to drive. And they did an internal exam there and the doctor froze. And she said I need to get a swab to test for amniotic fluid because she said that I was dilated and she thinks my water broke. And I was like, oh my god, which I don't know when there was nothing like it had to have been like a slow leak or something.
00:09:37
Speaker
and she swabbed it and I guess she didn't even get the swab out and it was I think it has to lay up blue and it was bright blue and she said you need to go to the hospital right now Sarah I'm so sorry and I remember I looked at the doctor and I says my baby gonna be okay and I knew when she didn't say anything I knew I felt like I had known all along and I was trying to tell people but you know they try to play you off like your first time mom
00:10:06
Speaker
you don't know what you're talking about. It's just normal pregnancy pain. Yeah, but you know your body. That's what I kept trying to tell them. And I remember, but I do remember that it was the same person the next day when I went back who came into triage to check on me. And she was like, What are you doing back here? And I was like, I'm in labor. I tried to tell you yesterday again,
00:10:27
Speaker
It could have been a random person, you know what I mean? And again, they hooked me up. And this time they did the internal and she was like, you're definitely dilated. We got to get you on fluids. We got to, meanwhile, that was the day literally May 4th was supposed to be my anatomy exam. So I'm at the hospital.
00:10:46
Speaker
and they're telling me that they're admitting me into labor and delivery for observation, which the way the contractions were, there was no way I knew
Hospital experiences and Oliver's memory
00:10:54
Speaker
it. I was back there without Nick for like an hour and a half before they let him come back. It was a Was that because of COVID? No, because somebody hadn't come and asked me the domestic violence questions. And it was like, I don't know what questions they have to ask before someone can come back. I was just at that point, I was just really mad. Like, yeah, you're ready to get
00:11:13
Speaker
Have some domestic violence. Yes, exactly. And I remember as they were about to wheel me up to labor and delivery, the people from my anatomy scan called me and said, are you still coming? Oh my gosh. My appointment was at 5pm and it was 5.30. I hadn't showed up. I couldn't believe they waited a half hour, but they must have been behind. And I just threw the phone at Nick. Like, I was like, you need to tell them we're not going to be there. And so he told them, obviously,
00:11:41
Speaker
and they were like oh my god whatever reschedule if you get whatever they take us up and they took us up at six o'clock and i ate 22 he was born that's very quick wow yeah
00:11:54
Speaker
Turns out the bleeding was I guess from like a concealed abruption and I had an abruption. The doctor suspected it because when I had him, everything, everything kind of came out at once. Yeah, it just happened very quickly. Were you able to like, get some pain control, maybe like an epidural or anything or it was just too fast?
00:12:15
Speaker
No, because they they didn't believe me that I was in labor. Yeah, no, nothing. I remember the nurse at maybe like 815 said, Do you want an epidural? And of course, you know, at that point, your mind is not not processing. And I said, I remember saying to her, if I need it, and she just looked at me, what do you like, what do you say, you know,
00:12:42
Speaker
And then, I mean, it was too late at that point anyway. I guess all this time, I never realized how fast your labor was. That's super fast. So after you had him, were you able to spend time with him? Like what was the scene? Yeah, after we had him, everybody cleared the room. And we at the time didn't know how long. Looking back in pictures, we pieced it together. They were gone for about an hour and they let us just
00:13:09
Speaker
have our time. Then and came in and took his footprints and took his pictures. They did molds of his feet. They had a really cute knitted hat and blanket and
00:13:23
Speaker
Yeah. And I didn't know this, but underneath the blanket, he was in an angel gown, which I found out later was from a donated wedding dress. They make those. Yeah. They make them and donate to the hospital and people knit the hand, the blankets and hats and everything for them. So you took the wedding gown home, right?
00:13:44
Speaker
Or like the outfit home. I actually did it because I didn't know that he was in it underneath of the blanket and the hat and when we left the hospital obviously you're not thinking right and We were gonna leave and the labor and delivery nurse said oh wait Do you want the blanket and hat and I said yes? Yes, I do oh my gosh, and she took it off and she gave it to us and
00:14:11
Speaker
But we actually got the angel gown in the mail, I guess like two weeks later. They had mailed it to us. So I don't know if that was, I don't know who at the hospital recognized that we probably wanted that. I think it was the doctor that delivered me. That's really awesome. That is very thoughtful too. It's pretty unheard of. Yeah, they mailed it to us. So we still have that.
Grief, societal expectations, and family tributes
00:14:36
Speaker
even though we did like I didn't know I didn't know. And then we they had a cuddle caught. So we went to another room, a recovery room and they told us we could stay as long as we wanted or needed to and it was hard being in the recovery room because
00:14:53
Speaker
You hear all the crying babies. So you were in a recovery room where you could hear other babies, like were they in the same room or just like down the hall from you? No, they put us at the end of the hallway and they left the room next to us empty, like on purpose, but you can still hear it. Yeah, it's a hospital.
00:15:15
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, so we stayed overnight. I only put the baby back a few times because I didn't want him to get warm and they explained that the discoloration and then I guess like around mid morning we left. I wish I could give you a hug right now.
00:15:34
Speaker
I know. I'm sorry. It's been a rough year. Sarah, did you bury Oliver or did you have him cremated and did you have a service for him? We decided to cremate him because we did not know where we were going to end up and we did not want to be in a situation where
00:15:55
Speaker
We were hours away. I mean, he's so little. There's hardly any ashes. We did not want to potentially have to move him. So we decided to cremate him. We did have a funeral mass at our church. But we asked that only our parents come.
00:16:11
Speaker
Yeah, I couldn't bear to see anybody. I would just think from your perspective that it's like people are just standing around kind of looking at you guys. I don't know if that's how you felt like on display kind of like your grief is on display. And that's not what it was about. I would have made the same choice. Yeah. And I know that it was hard for people to understand.
00:16:32
Speaker
Obviously, it's something that I'm glad that they don't understand. Yeah, because you know what, if they've been through it, they definitely understand. So you're right. Yeah, society tells us Oh, you know, have a funeral have a viewing and then you're all better. Well, no. I wish it worked like that. Yeah, so we had him created and he we had a little area for him in what would have been his room. And then
00:16:57
Speaker
When we had Theodore, he is on a cloud shelf in his room, like overlooking everything. Aw, that's so cute. Yeah. Just like it should be, the big brother's looking out for the little brother. Yep.
Support systems and moving forward
00:17:13
Speaker
Exactly. So when you left the hospital, like what's like the kindest thing that you remember somebody doing for you? If it was one thing or many things? I actually asked my husband this before I came on because it's a lot,
00:17:27
Speaker
It's a big blur. I remember bits and pieces, like the weirdest things. I remember when we left the hospital, there was a woman outside and she said, oh, did you just have a baby? And the nurse, the nurse who had walked us out kind of like stood up and stood in front of me and was like, yes, like don't ask any questions.
00:17:50
Speaker
Yeah, back off. Yeah. And this was, of course, when they went to get the car and he was pulling up and it's it was so I don't know I that's so terrible. But I don't remember. That's okay. It is a blur. I don't know. Because I don't remember. What was the one thing or the one hardest moment on your grief journey? What felt the hardest?
00:18:15
Speaker
I'm sure this is a very common answer. Just watching everybody else's life kind of keep moving on. And you're just stuck. And we had decided soon after, once we got the clear from our doctor, that we would try again. And that's a whole other story, but it did not happen for a while. And that definitely amplified
00:18:42
Speaker
everything I have to say. I knew that being pregnant again would be hard but just watching other people become so easily pregnant and just have this carefree pregnancy and it was hard. Yeah, I missed a lot of baby showers, a lot of births, a lot of a lot of everything. Did you have to do fertility treatments to get pregnant again?
00:19:09
Speaker
We did end up making an appointment with the same doctor again. Ironically, our first appointment that we had was scheduled for March 13th. That's ironic because that was Theodore's due date, which we canceled because we were pregnant anyway.
00:19:24
Speaker
Yeah, so we made another appointment and we went in October. It took a little bit to get an appointment in there and we started with them in November and then we got pregnant in June and that was, we had decided that if I wasn't pregnant,
00:19:45
Speaker
By summer that we would move on to IVF because I have summers off and it's very intense. There's a lot of different medications. You have to go to a lot of appointments and it would just be easier without the stress of work added in. That's good planning on your part.
00:20:02
Speaker
Yeah, we had our IVF console on June 30th, which I had taken an at-home test at that point, and it was positive. But I was just so in denial after so long, you know, negative, negative, negative, being told, oh, everything looks perfect. This is definitely the one and then nothing. We went through a lot of testing, anything you can think of we did, and it all came back perfect.
00:20:27
Speaker
So yeah, and on July 2nd was when we got our blood work confirmation, which was weird. It was a lot. I used to joke with Nick that if it was a girl, if we had a baby girl, then we would have to name her Chloe because of Clomid.
00:20:49
Speaker
it's really funny yeah it was just you know something a little what's the one thing or you can say many things that helped you the most with your grief and just getting through day to day um the first few months i feel like i was kind of in denial that i needed more help than i thought i did i guess
00:21:10
Speaker
I mean, I knew, I knew it was going to affect everything, right? But you just don't realize how much everything is. It's literally every part of your life. You're a completely different person. Pre-loss. I ran marathons. I was that crazy, crazy person waking up at four o'clock in the morning when it's negative 10 degrees outside and still going for my run. Oh my gosh. You're the kind of people that run on Thanksgiving morning. Yes.
00:21:39
Speaker
Yes, I was that person. Yes. And then after I just had absolutely no desire. And I think that was definitely one of the hardest things. No, you lose your self identity, because you identify prior to having a baby as this, like you always say, I ran marathons, I got up and ran and I exercise. And then, you know, you lost this baby, such a major life event. And then you lose who you were. And that also because you come out on the other side,
00:22:08
Speaker
And you're not that same Sarah, you know that you used to be so you have to kind of relearn who you are and your relationship and everything that goes with it. Yeah, one of the things I think just accepting that I needed more help. I got into therapy, which was good. That was a nice kind of outlet once a week. I was doing twice a week for a while again COVID so everything was still virtual even though it was at this point it was like October 2021 and then
00:22:38
Speaker
I also went to the Wave of Light and I stopped the Facebook page for a while, as I'm sure everybody will tell you that they did. They stopped the Facebook page for a while, trying to get up the courage to go to a meeting. And there were a few I almost went to, but I had like back to school night and then conferences and it just didn't work out. But then I finally made it out in December and that was a huge help.
00:23:04
Speaker
You don't feel like nobody in your life understands anymore. And you can just color. You know, I still have that first coloring page I colored.
00:23:15
Speaker
I do, I can. You do. Well, a lot of our listeners probably don't know, but Nicole and I run a support group and Sarah was talking that she came to our support group. So Sarah, you said quotations, you stalked the support group on Facebook probably, but I have two questions actually. So one, how did you find your therapist? And two, what made you, you know, what did you see that made you really want to come out to a support group?
00:23:39
Speaker
I found my therapist through psychology.com or whatever it's called, I've just made sure that they took my insurance first. And then that narrowed down the list. And I knew I knew personally, I wanted to speak to a young female, I felt like obviously that
00:23:57
Speaker
patient therapist confidentiality they they're not going to bring up their life but at least if they've had some experiences they can understand a little bit better than a male or you know people who are in like their 60s they just tell you I just yeah I had a miscarriage and just get over it and it's like okay you're laughing because you know what I'm talking about
00:24:24
Speaker
It's valid. Yeah. But yeah, when you do like the peer, the peer matching to someone who had the same experience or similar experience, because nobody's had the same similar experience to you. Same thing. It's like you just want somebody that can relate on many levels, you know, not just we're, we both are females. It's just more than that. Yeah, definitely. The support group, what pulled you in? I don't know. It just, I don't know. I just saw a picture and you were like, we have, I have to go meet those girls. I have to power that picture.
00:24:54
Speaker
Oh.
00:24:55
Speaker
Yeah, I did online support group for a little bit. And I was just really struggling to just connect online. I just wanted an in person event. And so many, so many were just not offering it at all. And it was December. So it's like, Oh my god, the winter after the big COVID outbreak and yeah, you guys were in person. And that was huge. That was huge.
00:25:25
Speaker
Yeah, I think it makes a big difference. It's kind of nice to be able to hide behind your screen if you want to hide behind your screen, but it's really nice to like, I don't know, it's just a different camaraderie. And coming from teaching online for like almost an entire year at that point, I was over it completely over the virtual.
Keeping Oliver's memory alive through symbols
00:25:45
Speaker
I just wanted that human contact. Yeah, I think a lot of people were looking for the same thing as well. Sarah, like you weren't the only one. A lot of people wanted in person at that point.
00:25:55
Speaker
So, Oliver, how do you keep his memory alive? What kind of things do you do? You can tell us about your legacy project. So I guess just in our everyday life, again, those people who don't understand, they are the ones that make the comments about this. We still dress Theodore in little brother clothing. We do talk about him a lot. Theodore don't know about him.
00:26:22
Speaker
His picture is on our wall mural with our beautiful newborn pictures by Desiree. And his picture is up there with our family as well. Um, so when people come into the house, they know, you know, Hey, there's our baby and we celebrate his birthday every year. And I try what I can now. It's harder now, but I do.
00:26:50
Speaker
I do some crafting stuff. I make, like, shirts, clothing. Now I'm just making stuff for all my friends' babies, but it is nice that I put his logo on the back of their clothing, and I just feel like, you know, maybe if they're out, somebody would be like, oh, what does that stand for? And, you know, then they'll get to tell him, and that's really sweet. And through three little birds, there's Ollie Bears.
00:27:16
Speaker
I didn't realize this because when I had left the hospital, they gave us a very cute stuffed animal teddy bear. I didn't realize that wasn't common practice. And when Kristin came to me with this idea, I was like, Oh my gosh, that's so cute. That's great. And so
00:27:34
Speaker
You can order a bear with your baby's name on it and I make it. It's really, really sweet. So everybody gets to have a little piece of their baby or their grandbaby or, you know, whoever wants a bear. And recently they, we did a new to the desk night and just got like some new families out.
00:27:54
Speaker
And I made a little bear for them. Each was really cute. Yeah. And I just, I didn't know that it wasn't, it wasn't a thing at every hospital. I didn't know that. My sister-in-law also knits hats and blankets. And our grandmother did for a while, but arthritis cut her hand and they donate them to the hospital with tags. Um, and I actually have a friend who received, not that that's a good thing. It's like,
00:28:21
Speaker
It's like a weird, proud moment. Yeah, like full circle. Yeah. Like she received one of the blankets and hats that my friend, my sister-in-law knit for the hospital.
00:28:34
Speaker
We were saying the last podcast, Erin's podcast, we were saying how she said, you know, I really enjoy, I think that's how she put it. I forget how she put it, but like, I really enjoy running the support group. And it's just same thing. Like I'm so glad, like I get to like knit and give this stuff to families, lost families, but in the same sense, like, you know, you wish that there wasn't a need for it. You know, you wish there wasn't a need for these support groups and knitting these things, but that's a beautiful thing.
00:28:59
Speaker
Yeah, it's definitely a bittersweet moment. And I know that that's like a way for her to deal with her grief. Yeah. And we're gonna link to the Ollie Bears on your podcast. It's already on there, but we're gonna link on the blog also so people can go to it and see it. I was just gonna ask, how do you celebrate his birthday? You said you celebrate his birthday every year. What do you guys do as a family for Oliver's birthday?
00:29:23
Speaker
The first year we just had our parents, my parents live in Arizona, so they were still out there. We had my parents on FaceTime, my brother, sister-in-law and nephew on FaceTime. They also live in Arizona. And then I had my in-laws over our house. I got a cake and I've kind of decided that as the years go on, I'm going to try to pick a theme for the cake that I think
00:29:51
Speaker
maybe he would have liked at that age. The first birthday, of course, the parents do whatever they want. For the most part, right? So I did just a theme like his nursery. I did a really pretty blue ombre cake and they put like clouds on it and little stars and it was cute. And it just said, happy first heavenly birthday. His second one, I was like, all right, what do two year old boys like cars? They love cars.
00:30:19
Speaker
Usually right generally so I did like a racing theme for that and I made I made the cake toppers for both didn't something happen you texted me or something because Some car said Oliver or there was so when I was looking up cake toppers as kind of like inspiration Yeah, I did too fast like the number two and
00:30:41
Speaker
for a second birthday and the first one that popped up had his name on it. And I just felt like, okay, this is it. I was so crazy. The little, yeah, the little, yeah, at that point I wasn't decided on the theme, but when I saw that, I was like, yep, that's it.
00:30:56
Speaker
Yeah, Nicole, I don't know if you knew that story, but Sarah texted me. I think she sent me a screenshot of the Pinterest or something, because she was doing the car theme for his birthday. And she's like, literally, I typed in like the theme or whatever, and it popped up. And that's what popped up right away. That was your symbol. That was your sign. I say it's crazy, but it happens so much.
00:31:14
Speaker
happens all the time like I will recently I've been trying to look up first Christmas Christmas outfits for Theodore and I'll type in baby boy first Christmas and it's like Oliver Oliver Oliver Oliver Oliver and I'm like oh my god oh that's so cool do you have any other like symbols for him like I know some people like when they see like a cardinal or like they just have things that they a coin and
00:31:37
Speaker
Is there anything that you associate with Oliver? Yeah, I mean, I feel like it's just I hate to say again, like the normal things, but I feel like butterflies are a huge symbol.
Marriage, communication, and subsequent pregnancy
00:31:48
Speaker
for for any lost parent and there's actually this one butterfly that comes and now we know it's not the same butterfly but it's the same type of butterfly that comes every year to Nick's parents house and they can never figure out it's a blue butterfly and they can never figure out like why is this butterfly keep coming back they don't have any butterfly plants nothing
00:32:11
Speaker
Nothing is always comes back to their doorstep. And so like every year I'm like, oh, maybe that was him telling us. I don't know. Yeah. So how did the loss of Oliver affect your marriage? And do you have any advice on protecting your marriage through grief and loss? The one thing that we both agreed on in the hospital
00:32:31
Speaker
We made promises to him before we left that we would not let this break us apart. And I know that that's a big promise to make, especially on the first day.
00:32:44
Speaker
You don't really know what the road ahead has in store for you. You don't know how each person is going to react and be affected by it or how they're going to handle it. Nick has always been, I joke around with him, but in all seriousness, he's not terrible. I call him Dexter, which I'm not talking about Dexter's laboratory. I'm talking about the serial killer Dexter. Oh my God.
00:33:13
Speaker
Thinking you were gonna say the opposite. I'm not talking about serial killer. I'm talking about Cartoon obviously not the serial killer part So
00:33:25
Speaker
Okay, continue. Yeah, but like, sometimes, you know, it's very emotionless, doesn't show emotion, I shouldn't say emotionless, doesn't show emotion. And I mean, like does not at all. I've never seen this man cry that on two occasions, three, one was our wedding day, one was the day we lost Oliver, one was his funeral.
00:33:49
Speaker
I think he did cry on his first Christmas that he wasn't here too. But other than that, no. So I don't want to say that that helped, but it left me a lot of room to be very emotional. And I'm a very emotional person. So all of this kind of just amplified it, everything.
00:34:09
Speaker
So I think that just being in that aspect like polar opposites of how we express it helped us. But I know that a lot of people, it frustrates them when they don't see their husband grieving like they do. I think just understanding that it's all gonna look different. Every day is gonna look different. Yeah, and I think the biggest piece of advice is just, you know, if your child was here, what would you want that to look like?
00:34:37
Speaker
That's pretty crazy that you both grieved so I mean you're telling me like your polar opposites you grieve polar opposite but you guys still not even survived but you kind of thrived through it because you fed on on that like he kind of was like okay you know this is you know you are the
00:34:54
Speaker
emotional one. And I'm okay with that. And I'm, you know, less emotional. He feels it, but he just not outwardly expressing it. And you were okay with that. Because some people look at it like, you don't care? Like, why are you not crying? It's not that they don't care. You know that every once in a while, I mean, I'm only human, right? Every, every once in a while, it would get to me. And, you know, I tell him, and then we talk about it. And I think we've always just been very open about that kind of stuff. I don't know. He just let me do what I needed to do to get through it.
00:35:24
Speaker
Yeah, it's a very mature very mature relationship that you guys were able to communicate yeah at that point it had been like 12 years, so
00:35:32
Speaker
I think at that point, if we don't we don't know each other that well, then that's that's an us problem. So you guys were together for 12 years before you had Oliver like dating and marriage. Yeah, we we started dating in August of 2009. And we had he was due September 2021. Wow, you build a strong foundation.
00:35:57
Speaker
It's funny you say that because our wedding song was From the Ground Up by Dan and Che. Aww. Isn't that perfect? Yeah. You didn't know how perfect it was then though. Yeah, exactly. How was your subsequent pregnancy with Theodore? And how did you cope with the anxiety and stress that comes from pregnancy after loss? Oh man, how long do we have? I'm just kidding.
00:36:27
Speaker
The pregnancy itself was very uneventful.
00:36:32
Speaker
thankfully, physically, no bleeding, no contractions, no pain at all. Absolutely none, which I was like, I knew it, I knew it wasn't right. And just having this physically good pregnancy really showed me how wrong everything was in my pregnancy with Oliver. It gave you some validation, right? Yeah, for sure. And then emotionally, I mean, I had someone with me at every single dog disappointment.
00:37:00
Speaker
99% of the time it was my mom because my mom moved from Arizona back to New Jersey for the year. So she could be with me. So that was nice. I never had to go to a doctor's appointment alone. I never really had to be alone if I didn't, you know, want to be so that was nice. And then I guess I think it was my 22 week cervix check. So they had me on cervix checks from 16 to 24. It might have been my 24 week. I don't remember exactly.
00:37:30
Speaker
I remember the person, the older sound tech, looked at me and said, at your anatomy scan, did they tell you about your placenta? And then she didn't say anything. And I freaked out. I mean, I went from zero to a thousand. Just instant flashbacks.
00:37:48
Speaker
and of course i'm panicking and then she can't say anything because she's not the doctor so she can't read and i mean obviously she can read the older town because that's her job but um i had to wait and uh she was like i need to go get the doctor i was like you need to tell him to come back right now because i'm going to have a panic attack like you cannot leave me hanging
00:38:08
Speaker
Thankfully, the doctor came back right away and I later found out this doctor was also a lost mom. So I feel like that kind of helped a little bit in that aspect. And she told me that I had placenta previa. It's when the placenta covers the cervix. Then she asked me if I had any bleeding. And I was like, Oh no, I would have been in the hospital so fast.
00:38:30
Speaker
You wouldn't even have seen me check in. Like I would just be there. And right. Right. You know better now. Yeah. I was like, no, absolutely not. Don't freak me out. Not messing. So then I had to wait two more weeks. They wanted to give it two weeks to see what happened. My placenta moved away from my cervix was marginal. And then by four weeks later, it was completely away from my cervix. So if I hadn't been doing those cervix checks, I never would have known that it was covering and.
00:39:00
Speaker
which is just wild to me because so many people go through pregnancy and they don't have all these scans you know they don't go every two weeks every week towards the end and get everything scanned um after that went away i guess around 30 weeks everything was perfectly fine at my 38 week appointment i was nothing i was not dilated nothing and then i was induced at 39 weeks at the theater awesome i'm glad you got to be induced like relieve some anxieties too
00:39:30
Speaker
because I'm sure you were nervous at that point.
Advice for families dealing with loss
00:39:32
Speaker
Definitely nervous. So Sarah, last question. Do you have any advice for a mom or a family who are newly going through pregnancy or infant loss? Take everything at your own pace. Don't let other people pressure you into feeling like you're ready to do stuff. You're ready to go back to work. You're ready to go out in public for the first time. You're ready to do whatever.
00:39:54
Speaker
It was hard people wanted us i don't know how to word this but other than feel normal cuz that's not the right wording but they just wanted to see us like do things that made us happy again and
00:40:07
Speaker
I know at least for me, that took a long time. It took a long time, probably almost a year. So you just got to do things at your own pace. And sometimes people give you a push and you're ready for it. I had a friend who pushed me to go to the inverse and support group and just said, you'll love it. Just go. And she had never gone, but she had been a lost mom for.
00:40:30
Speaker
a little like a year and a half so she kind of knew that sometimes you just needed that gentle little gentle nudge yeah and if it's something you're thinking about then like seriously then you're probably ready i think that's just the biggest thing is just listen to yourself and you know my physical recovery wasn't much so
00:40:50
Speaker
I didn't have to go through a C-section. I didn't have a full-term birth, which I will say was not much different than my full-term birth. So don't let anybody tell you any different. The only difference was the swelling. That was it, between my 20 and a week. Yeah, it's crazy. I'm like, oh my God, because Oliver wasn't even a pound and Theodore was six and a half pounds. It's a big difference. Yeah, labors labor. It's just the size of the baby that comes out, but labors labor.
00:41:18
Speaker
everything felt the same the contractions felt the same yeah pushing him out felt the same everything felt the same the only difference was the swelling after that was it i wasn't as swollen because there wasn't as much pressure um but anyway yeah so my physical recovery was easy so don't let people push you think you're ready to go out or do whatever you're not ready to do it's definitely the biggest thing
00:41:42
Speaker
Yeah. You said, I think there's a difference. So some people push you like your friend did because she knows that it's, it's, she just wants to help you. Like she's like, I know this is going to help you. And then some people push you because they're uncomfortable with you being uncomfortable and uncomfortable with you being sad. So they're pushing you because they want you to feel better. So they don't have to look at sad Sarah, you know? Yeah. That's true. That's the big difference. Come on. Don't you just want to get back to normal?
00:42:09
Speaker
What do you think if I wanted to, I would? Like what? If I could, I would, right? That's impossible. Yeah, there were days that and there still are some days that I just don't want to get out of bed.
Conclusion and listener engagement
00:42:21
Speaker
Sarah, thank you so much for being here and sharing the story of Oliver with us. If you want to send Sarah and her beautiful family some love email us at nicole at the blindsided.com or desert at the blindsided.com. Also, please subscribe to our podcast on your favorite streaming app. Also, please share our podcast with anyone that you know who may be experiencing brief following a pregnancy or infant loss. Thank you for listening and we'll see you next episode.
00:42:48
Speaker
Thank you so much for tuning into the latest episode of the Blindsided podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at Nicole with the blindsided.com or Desiree at the blindsided.com.
00:43:06
Speaker
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00:43:24
Speaker
And before you go, consider leaving a rating and review for our show. Your feedback helps us reach more listeners who might find value in the stories and discussions we share. Once again, thank you for listening and being a part of the Blindsided community.