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Keegan's Story
291 Plays11 months ago
In this episode of The Blindsided, we sit down with Bridget, a Philadelphia mom who is navigating the unthinkable. We first met Bridget at the Lucas James fundraiser event, and her story touched us profoundly.
Bridget and her husband recently faced the heartbreaking loss of their beloved son, Keegan. Born on February 28th of this year, Keegan was born a healthy baby. However, just a week after his discharge from the hospital, symptoms arose that led Bridget to seek urgent medical care. Despite their best efforts, Keegan was diagnosed with late onset GBS, a devastating infection that progressed rapidly, leading to meningitis and, ultimately, his untimely passing.
In this episode, Bridget shares her raw and emotional journey through grief, offering a perspective that is both fresh and poignant. As she processes her loss, Bridget is channeling her pain into purpose by pursuing a nursing degree, with a special focus on supporting bereaved parents. Her goal is to guide others through their own grief and to walk alongside them in their healing journey.
Bridget’s story is a testament to resilience and hope. As she continues to honor Keegan’s memory through her future work and hopes to expand her family, her strength and dedication shine brightly. Tune in for a heartfelt conversation that explores grief, healing, and the enduring love a parent has for their child.
Thank you Bridget for sharing your story with us, we are honored!
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Transcript
Introduction to the Blindsided Podcast
00:00:01
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree.
Purpose of the Podcast: Sharing Stories of Loss
00:00:03
Speaker
We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies.
Invitation to the Audience
00:00:24
Speaker
We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast.
00:00:43
Speaker
Hey, everyone.
Bridget's Introduction and Her Son Keegan
00:00:45
Speaker
Welcome to the Blindsided podcast. We're your hosts, Nicole and Desiree. Hey. Today, we have Bridget here with us from Philadelphia. She's going to talk to us about her son Keegan and the impact his loss has had on her life. She's recently lost Keegan, so it'll give us kind of a different perspective than we've had on other episodes because a lot of our moms have been a couple years out that we've interviewed. So thank you for being here with us. Yeah, thanks thank you so much for having me. I'm happy to be here. Share our story. Yeah, we met Bridget at um the memorial event that we had posted on here a few months ago. you met yeah Yeah, we were at we were at Lucas James event. um So Amber was one of where she was the first mom.
00:01:36
Speaker
that got in contact with me. And we went to Lucas's event. I think that it had only been either two or three weeks since we lost Keegan. So it was very fresh. um we sat in the car for a long time and we're like do we want to do this um you guys are so brave thank you so we got out we were like let's just get the resources and let's hit the road you know let's do what we got to do because we don't regret it down the line so at his event she had a like little memorial wall for all the
00:02:13
Speaker
all the babies and he was up there and me and Rob just Rob is my boyfriend he's Keegan's dad um just literally lost it and you guys just came right up to us and the dads came up to Rob and were so supportive and so nice and it was just like something that really will stick with me forever so That's how we met. That's how we met. Yeah. Well, it's so funny. When you walked in, I saw you. When you walked inside of it, I saw you. And I said, Desiree, she's upset. We're going to have to go talk to her. like something's like This must be a recent loss for her. And she was like, no, I think she's OK. She's laughing. And then she was like, oh, no, never mind. like got it We were unwell. We were not well. no
00:03:04
Speaker
Well, I'm glad we met you there and ran into you. And I'm sorry for the circumstance, but it was perfect timing. Yeah, it was. It was. It was like the second we started to cry, people just immediately came over. We realized they knew they were watching us. We were in like a perfect place. That event was awesome. And yeah so many supportive, awesome people there. so Absolutely. So tell us a little bit about yourself and Rob. Great to begin. So I am, I'm a younger mom. I am 24.
Bridget's Journey: Life, Love, and Pregnancy
00:03:38
Speaker
Um, I, not much about me. I mean, I've been deciding like what I want to go to school for. I've been in and out of school for a few years doing some like odd jobs. I met my boyfriend.
00:03:55
Speaker
down the shore. We worked together at a bar down the shore together. He was bartending and I was waitressing. And we weren't really like friends actually. We didn't really hang out. We weren't very friendly. And it wasn't until that Christmas after that summer we had a like a staff Christmas party. So we started talking after that and then started dating shortly after that. And I moved in with Rob after a month of being together. I did that with my husband too. And it worked out. So no regrets. Yeah. Yeah. we Great. Yeah, right. And then we got pregnant after six months. So we were not trying. But it was great. You know, we were thrilled, definitely scared. But um we've been together for about
00:04:54
Speaker
Maybe a year and a half. I would say about there. Okay, so Rob is Rob's a few years older than me. He is a veteran. He's an army that He is in the union. He loves his job. He is the best person you'd ever meet. He is so kind and friendly. He could talk to a brick wall and the brick wall talk back. Like, so he's the best. I love him. Couldn't imagine doing life without him. So. So when you found out you were pregnant, was he there when you took the test or did you have to tell him?
00:05:32
Speaker
So yes, he was in the house. Um, we joked about it. We were like, he had texted me. I was at work. He said, Hey, like, when's the last time you got your period? And I thought like nothing of it. So I just grabbed a test on my way home, got home from work. went in the bathroom and it was immediate. It was absolutely immediately. So I came out of the bathroom and he was studying for a test. He had a really, really important test the next day. And I came out and I was like, I'm pregnant. Very excited. We ordered dinner and rest is history. So. That's really cute.
00:06:16
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, it was great. I wish I'd surprised him in a cute way. Like, as some people do, they have little signs or they like put out a onesie. In the moment, I was just like, Oh, my gosh, I never thought this would happen. Yeah. You know, that reminds me because I remember being pregnant with my first baby and and I, I never told you the story, Nicole, but I took a test in the middle of the night and it was New Year's Eve. And I took a test on New Year's Eve and it was ah Yeah, New Year's Eve. And it was positive. And I woke my husband up and I'm like, guess what? I just took a test on pregnant. The guys passed out. Like, OK. OK. And then goes back to sleep. I'm like, that was horrible. ah So I'm like, anti-climactic. Yeah. Yeah, I see all these cute videos on reels and stuff. And I'm like, I did not get that reaction. No. Well, I will say I was so scared and Rob was like,
00:07:13
Speaker
trying to be supportive, but it was so obvious. He was so excited. He was so excited. I'm over here crying like, what are we going to do? He's like, uh, have a baby. Yeah. yeah but thought It's okay. Yeah, right. Not 16. I don't know why. Yeah. Sometimes I remember feeling that way too. Like, that's how I go. I was like, I'm a teen mom. ah Oh my gosh. Well, so tell us about your pregnancy and we'll just start with a story there.
Pregnancy Challenges and Keegan's Arrival
00:07:47
Speaker
So my pregnancy overall was good. Um, I was super, super sick the first couple months, um, like morning sickness, which was all day sickness. So I did go to the hospital a couple of times just because I was so dehydrated.
00:08:05
Speaker
um But other than that, my pregnancy was super easy. um It wasn't until the end that i I think I was probably about like 34, 35 weeks. I had really high blood pressure and my doctor started to notice how bad my feet and ankles were swelling because I made a joke about it. And then she was like, I need you to take your socks off for me. So she was nervous about preeclampsia, but everything wound up being okay right then and there.
00:08:42
Speaker
I came in for another checkup at like 36 weeks and I went in the morning, I went to work and she called me and said, Hey, there's protein in your urine. I need you to go to the hospital right now. You need to have a stress test. We might have to induce you today. So at that point, nursery was not done. Literally nothing was done at all. Um, I don't even think the crib was put together or bassinet was put together at that point. So I'm panicking. I don't have a bag packed. I come home. Rob and I go to the hospital and everything's fine. So we set up an induction date. So I was induced at like 37 weeks and I think four days, three days, something like that. And, um,
00:09:35
Speaker
Whoever invented that, what is it called? The Foley? robe fullyley bub Yeah, jail. to jail guys We're not nice. No, no. And my wonders who came to check on it when I was at at first. She was so gentle. She was so nice about it. And then another nurse came in to check it. And I love nurses, okay? i work in I've worked in healthcare for years. So much respect for everybody. I'm not even kidding you. She came in and cranked that thing like it was a lawnmower. I was in so much pain. After that, I was oh i was out of it. So they gave me a ah morphine and Benadryl drip.
00:10:23
Speaker
Yeah. bank Oh, that was chef's kiss. Nominal. That was a 10 out of 10 experience. And then he was good the whole time. There was nothing, no issues at all. And then I got an epidural and at, I think it was 1252 in the afternoon. He was born seven pounds, 11 ounces, or seven pounds, nine ounces. ah don't you remember and I I'm the worst. yeahre not the worse yeah Yeah. So, um, he was beautiful. He was amazing and it was ah an amazing experience. And we actually chose to not find out the gender. And so when he was born, we didn't know he was a boy.
00:11:17
Speaker
So the doctor holds him up so Rob can announce to the room if it's a boy or girl. And Rob is just hysterical crying, like so in love, so in awe. And he's like, it's a He was so happy. And yeah, it was a boy, beautiful boy. And when it came to like time to pick his name, We only had a couple names. We had a couple girl names, couple boy names. And Keegan was actually a girl name we had picked. And we just looked at him and when we were like, he looks like a Keegan. And then his middle name is Robert after dad, obviously. no Yeah, it was great. Overall, 10 out of 10 experience. I only pushed for 11 minutes. Wow. So yeah.
00:12:12
Speaker
Look at you. That fully balloon was worth it, right? Yes, it was. Yes, it was. Amazing. Well, I didn't realize that epidurals too, that you can get different kinds. So I didn't have one that just like knocked me out. Like I could still move my legs and I still had like a lot of feeling and a lot of movement. So but's I actually kind of liked it because then I was like, I knew where he was at, kind of. You could feel, yeah. Yes. Yes. That's cool. Yeah. So then you had him, you guys stayed in the hospital for a day or two and then got to go home. Yeah. So we were there for, I think just two days. I had a very, very normal delivery. No hemorrhaging. It was overall a really, really good experience. We went home.
00:13:03
Speaker
And yeah, I mean, it was just like normal. We just had a crying baby in the middle of the night and I exclusively breastfed him. And so there was no point in really Rob waking up in the middle of the night because he had to go back to work. And what was he going to do? Wake up to just wake me up. yeah So yeah. You're crying again. Yeah, right. So we I was so exhausted. And I had my mom had said to me, so my parents live in moral to New Jersey. So they live about like 35 minutes away. So my mom says, you know, why don't we have a guest bedroom? Why don't you come stay? Like, I'll help you with the baby because
00:13:50
Speaker
every if you know If anyone who knows my mom, she never sleeps. She is a night owl. She loves sleeping in, but she will stay up all hours of the night if she could. That's great. Yeah, it was so helpful. It was a great like bonding experience. I have two younger siblings. I have a sister who is 15 and a brother who's 12. So they got to bond with the baby. My dad was there. So my dad got to bond with the baby and I stayed for a week. Rob came and visited. Okay, I was gonna say, where was poor Rob? He did come and visit. He would come. He stayed the night a couple of days. um And then we came home on a Friday. And on Friday, he w Keegan was, he was never a fussy baby.
00:14:43
Speaker
He only ever cried if he was hungry or if he needed his diaper changed. He really was. I don't know if I was expecting the worst. He was an amazing and very easy baby, even though I didn't have him for long.
Crisis: Keegan's Health Emergency
00:14:58
Speaker
He was. So that Friday, when we were coming home, we're packing up my dad's car and he's just abnormally fussy. He was just really seemed very uncomfortable. I thought maybe because we were giving him bottles of breast milk, maybe he had like gas, um, just something totally normal. Put him in the car seat and I'm like, he'll sleep in the car. He'll be totally fine. He always sleeps in the car and he was still really, really fussy in the car. So I started to get worried. We got home and I just could tell like something was off. There was just something not right about it.
00:15:41
Speaker
So I thought he had gas again. So I'm trying to do all these things to like relieve gas. I try and nurse him and he will not latch at all. So I'm like something's wrong. There is absolutely something wrong here. Called his pediatrician and it went to a nurse triage line because it was the weekend and it was probably like seven o'clock at night. maybe 7 30 and, um, the nurse calls back and she can hear him whining in the background and she says, you know, he sounds really weak. I think that you guys should go to the emergency room, which we were already planning to do. Like we were on our way out by the time she called me. So we get in the car and we rush to our closest emergency room.
00:16:28
Speaker
And they take us back right away, and the doctor comes out, examines him, and she's like, listen, you know we're not equipped to take care of him. So at that point, I'm panicking because I'm like, oh no, this isn't just gas. like This is a serious issue. So they're like, we'll give you the option. So we pick a hospital, and they send their transport team out. They had this one nurse help taking care of them who worked either in their NICU or I forget exactly where that nurse worked. And he seemed to be doing okay. They were pumping them full of antibiotics before the transport team came to get them. And I'm not even kidding you. There was probably like a 10 to 15 minute gap where they left us alone.
00:17:18
Speaker
and he was a totally different baby. like So the transport team comes in and they're throwing so much information at us and they're saying all these big words and scary things and like working in healthcare care too, like I understood the severity of some of the things they were saying. And something that like so like really vividly sticks out to me, the EMT says to me, do you have any questions? And I said, is my baby going to die? And he said, you don't say that. Don't you dare say that we're going to take good care of him. But they did let us know before we put him in the ambulance, we have to stabilize him before we go anywhere.
00:18:01
Speaker
and they brought us into a bigger room and all of a sudden like it was flooded with nurses and doctors and all of these people coming in to take care of him and he was just in this bed like lifeless like he was sedated so of course but it was horrible it was really horrible to watch and rob is a very strong man And we both were just like falling apart. my god Yeah, it was horrible. So after hours, like probably like three or four hours, they finally stabilized him. We get in an ambulance, go to the hospital. Everyone that took care of him was wonderful. And they, you know, get them all set up and everything. And the doctors are like, we're not sure what's wrong.
00:18:51
Speaker
You know, we're going to be honest with you. We're giving them all the antibiotics we can give them. Whatever. So at that point, it's probably... Bridget, can I cut you off really fast? Did he have a fever? Was his breathing really poor? What was his... Yes. What were the main issues? So before we went to the ER, i noticed I took his clothes off because I was just changing him. And I noticed that he was having labored breathing. So that was immediately when I was like, we have to go to the hospital.
00:19:22
Speaker
he it's hard to explain he was grunting and it was almost like he was like bearing down like he was trying to go to the bathroom but he couldn't that's really like what that noise sounded like but other than that no fever not there was literally nothing else wrong with him i took his temperature his temperature was fine um and then the other big concern was like he wouldn't latch. Like the fact that I couldn't get him to nurse at all. He was just so lethargic and like, he just wasn't reactive to anything that I did to him. So really, it was really scary. And we're at the hospital, it gets to be like three in the morning, 3.30. So at that point, Rob, because he's and in construction in the union,
00:20:20
Speaker
He's up at like 3.34 every day for work. So Rob's been awake for 24 hours. And you know we're still at square one. They're just kind of saying, we don't know what's up. We're going to do whatever we can. We have a bed for you guys. We really think that you just need to go get a couple hours of sleep. So we go into the room and we're waking up multiple times. They need consent for a blood transfusion. I was so out of it um honestly I don't even remember what else they needed but I was like you have my permission to give him anything anything that he needs that's going to help him give it to him we're up the next day it's probably like seven or eight in the morning so we really only slept for like an hour or two we uh go and see him and he looks fine you know he's hooked up to a million things which was hard to say he's intubated so he has a tube
00:21:18
Speaker
in his throat and a doctor comes over and he's like, we're really hopeful, you know, you brought him in early. He's reacting to medicines. This is all really good news. He said, listen, you're going to be here for a couple of weeks. I'm not going to lie to you. But we think we know what it is. We think that he has a blood infection called GBS, which is, I'm going to say this one wrong, but Group B streptococcus, or Group B strep, they called it. They said, we're pretty positive. That's what it is. We're not out of the woods. You're going to be here for a while. but
00:21:56
Speaker
Everything looks okay, you know, we think he's gonna be okay. yeah So I say to Rob, you know, if we're gonna be here, go home, go get clothes, go get a shower, like... Get stuff that we absolutely have to have and then we'll just make it work, you know? While Rob is gone, want this one doctor, I'll never forget him because every time that he gave bad news, he pulled a chair up and he would come and sit next to me. And just he just couldn't hide that it was bad news. And I don't know if it was un because he was upset. I don't know what it was. You just felt it, that it was gonna be bad news.
00:22:34
Speaker
So he sits down and he's like, he has meningitis, which means that, you know, the infection is now in his spinal cord. And then just from there, it was just bad news to worst news to the worst news. At that point, it was both Saturday, maybe like 12 o'clock, one o'clock. I Saturday night around 11. I remember they let us know that because they set him up to an EEG to monitor his brain because they were concerned he was having seizures and he was. He was having them very, very frequently and he no longer was reacting to medicines.
00:23:17
Speaker
They couldn't stabilize his oxygen. his o two His oxygen was so, or no, I'm sorry, not his oxygen. His blood pressure was so low. They just couldn't get it to come back up. And the issue was, so the seizure medicine, they were going to give him causes low blood pressure. So they kind of had to decide which one they were going to do. So around 11 o'clock on Saturday, they let us know that Virtually there's nothing else that they can do that. He is very quickly deteriorating and At that point I'm standing there. I'm like, what do I do now? Like you're telling me that my son is gonna die like And I just remember saying to the nurse practitioner. What am I supposed to do now? I said, do I call people like what are we supposed to do? And she said you can call whoever you want and
00:24:11
Speaker
you can have people here as long as you want, whenever you want. You call whoever you need to call. So I called my mother-in-law, I called Rob's mom, I called Rob's brother and my sister-in-law, and I called my mom. My dad and my sister were, I think, at a soccer or a basketball tournament. They were in another state, so they couldn't come right away. And my mom and my mother-in-law came that night, and we were all just like so heartbroken. It was just, so hard to know that like the last moments were gonna be with him connected to all these different machines and it was just so hard to hold him like that and see him and know that he wasn't gonna get better. So at that point we keep hearing like neurologists this, neurologists that and Rob was like, I wanna talk to their neurologist.
00:25:10
Speaker
And I agreed. I said, I need to know, you know, what's going on. What are, like, what are we going to do? So a neurologist comes, it's now, it's now Sunday, yeah but it's like three at two or three in the morning. And they pull us into a separate room and they put, they pull up a CT scan of a normal newborns brain, a normal newborn brain at three weeks, and then Keegan's brain next to it. And they were like night and day. They were totally different pictures. And the neurologist let us know like, he'll never walk. He'll never talk. He'll never roll over.
00:25:53
Speaker
he will never eat on his own. Like we were just talking. And because I asked about quality of life and I remember she said to me, and it's another thing that'll stick with me. She said, quality of life is different to everybody. She said, it's a very different definition for everyone. So she's telling us all the things that he'll never do. And Rob and I made the decision that we were going to keep him on machines. forever if we had to. We were not gonna, like he's our baby, you know? and We were holding out for a miracle and you don't want to pull the plug. I don't want to say pull the plug. I feel like that's not the right- No, that's what it feels like. That's sort of what it what it's makes you feel like. Exactly. So we get a little bit of rest and we wake up the next morning and
00:26:52
Speaker
We call more people. So my grandparents came. We only the only people that we called and told them what was going on were the people that met him. So we didn't a lot of people didn't meet him. It was only our very.
Farewell to Keegan
00:27:06
Speaker
immediate families, our parents, my grandparents, and Rob and I siblings that met him. So my siblings were too young. So they stayed home, which I think was good. I don't think they should have been there. Now it's Sunday. It's probably like maybe like three or four in the afternoon around there. And the doctors come to us and they say, listen, the machines aren't even working anymore.
00:27:35
Speaker
the medicine is completely, he is not reacting to anything like, I know you said this is what you what your wishes were, but i'm I'm letting you know that he has made the the decision for you. We think that you should send your family home and like, just have your time. And everyone was very respectful of that, everybody. I wanted everyone to have their time with him and feel comfortable that they got to say their goodbyes. Because I knew in the end, I just wanted it to be me and Rob with him. Yeah. We painted his hands and feet. So we have little painted pictures of his little fingers and toes. And they took pictures for us, which I still haven't looked at. I don't know if I'll ever look at them.
00:28:23
Speaker
We got him baptized, which even though we were so angry with God, and I think sometimes still angry with God, it felt like the right thing to do. We also, they made us a mold of Rob holding his hand and me holding his foot. And it's a, it's in like a big wooden frame. It's so heavy. I don't know exactly what it's called, but it's beautiful. It's a 3D sculpture. yeah some of those three d yeah Yes, and it's so beautiful. I love it. They gave us like a box and I gave him a haircut so I have a little bit of his hair. Things that you never ever think you would cherish so much, you know, but I will say like the hospital
00:29:09
Speaker
and the staff, they were wonderful. They cried with us. They held us and they let us tell stories and they were great. It got to be later at night and he really was not doing well. So the I had asked the doctors, I want to hold him when he goes. oh I said, I want to do skin to skin because I feel like that's right. yeah That's how he came in and I think that's how I want him to leave. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Oh my goodness. Pull it together just a little bit. You're fine. You're okay. You're okay. Don't worry about that. So I said, when we take him off everything, you know,
00:29:59
Speaker
I want him to look as much like Keegan as he can. I don't want him to be hooked up to a million things. Like, I just want to be able to hold him. And that's exactly what happened. Held him. And at 9.32 on March 24th, he died. And it was, well I think it will always be the worst day of my life. And after he died, We gave him a bath. We changed him into new clothes. And we had something I wasn't prepared for because who is ever prepared for this or ever thinks that this is going to happen to their child. We had to just leave him there. They didn't rush us out, but they did, you know, let us know that we couldn't hold him for hours like we would have wanted to.
00:30:50
Speaker
so we left and we just had to leave him there and i'm sorry that's yeah thank you it's okay but it's not i know yes i know i don't know he passed on march 24th but what his birthday is february 28th 2024 february 28th Yeah, little Pisces. He's actually so my, my grandma passed away the week before my shower. She passed away tragically. She was sick for a long time, but she, um, her actual death was very unexpected. We didn't expect it to be like that, but her birthday is February 27th. So I actually got induced on her birthday and then had him the day after and, uh,
00:31:44
Speaker
um You know, my grandpa said to me that she had to go so that when he went, she was, she was there for him. Yeah, I swear there are no coincidences. now And like you said, her death was, you know, it was inevitable, but it wasn't predictable at that time. They're, I really truly believe that there's a reason that she passed away before. It's crazy. I know. I know. I believe it. I really do believe it too. Yeah. And brought so Rob, so Rob's, unfortunately, his grandma passed, it's been a year now, but she passed July 12th and I actually found out I was pregnant July 14th. I was like, oh my gosh, she saw this a baby. like
00:32:22
Speaker
you know that was i was a nice That's a nice memory. I like to think of that. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, I truly, truly believe that. Me too. Do you Nicole too? Oh yeah, definitely. Lots of signs. Yeah. Yeah. And you said Pisces. Nicole knows more about that stuff than I do. I actually don't know like a whole lot about it. I used to know more. but I'm a Scorpio, so I know, and my dad's a Pisces, so. Wait, Nicole, didn't you say that I would get along with, wasn't that what we were talking about? Like Scorpio? Yeah, because I'm a Scorpio. Yeah. What's your birthday, Nicole? Halloween, October 31st. I'm November 12th. Okay, that's my brother's birthday. Oh my gosh. Well, I'm a Virgo, and Nicole's like, that's why we get along, because Virgos, and I'm like, you know way more than I am. I had a Virgo roommate in college, and me and her are still.
00:33:16
Speaker
yeah isn't that Yeah, she's great. So yeah this is all making sense why we all became friends so fast. What color hair did he have? He was blonde. Just so surprising because I know they can't see you but you have darker hair. Yes, I have like dark brown hair and Rob is uh his hair is his hair was blonde when he was a kid. He had like very very curly blonde hair but I don't know. I just expected him to come out with brown hair and it was so blunt. Even when they put him on me, I was like, who's blonde baby is this? Oh my goodness. What's Rob's last name? Is he Irish? He is. no McDermott is his last name. What is it? McDermott. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. As Irish as as it gets.
00:34:07
Speaker
Oh, I love Keegan's name altogether now. yeah ah It was perfect. Such a beautiful name. Well, like Nicole said earlier, I give you a lot of credit for you guys showing up to that event because that, I mean, literally even now it's not even four months since you lost him and here you are sharing. you um I wanted to ask you. you said that he was diagnosed with group B strip. Now, as far as I know, that's something that they test the moms for before you give birth so that they can give you antibiotics before that. Were you testing? So that is correct. So I was tested and I was negative. Um, so Keegan there's early onset GBS and there's late onset GBS. So early onset is
00:34:52
Speaker
Um, when babies get it between like their day of birth and I think it's six days and then like six days of being alive. Obviously. Yes. We're not from the mom. You're saying it's just from, no they did and I think that they usually get it from mom, but I think they can get it in the hospital too. Early onset, the symptoms just show up within that timeframe. Okay. Yeah. And when moms are positive, when they get swabbed, you do get antibiotics. So Keegan had late onset GBS yeah and I have gone down rabbit holes for hours and hours and hours. And the worst part of it is that, and the doctor said this too, we don't know how he got it. We will never know how he got it. It literally could have been from anything, anything, anybody at any time, there is no
00:35:50
Speaker
definite way to know. And even if I got those antibiotics when I was in labor, they don't help with late onset GBS. Bobi told me that. So, cause she's amazing. And she also went down a whole rabbit hole for me. Uh, yeah, he had late onset. So the The precautions when you look it up, it actually says to just wash your hands. That's the only thing that they say to prevent it, which is insane. Oh my gosh. So
Cautionary Advice for Newborn Care
00:36:23
Speaker
and insane. Yeah. bye But I feel like these stories are like a PSA for all of us out there that are in contact with newborns because serious stuff can happen. And it's crazy because Rob and I
00:36:37
Speaker
First of all, late onset GBS is very rare to begin with. And it's also very rare to die from. home Like once babies are a month old or older, like a month or older, they have a much higher chance of surviving but they also did tell us that so if he would have survived it he still would have forever he still would have never walked he still would have again talk about quality of life i would have done anything for him to be here but you know he would have lived a very i don't even want to say that because now that he's not here i'm like i don't even care like i would have you know
00:37:23
Speaker
Yeah, whatever. right and yeah So yeah, no, no. And I also what because I was breastfeeding, I was like pumping the whole time I was in the hospital. And then you come home, and then you still have to pump so you don't get clogged ducts or anything like that. That was miserable. That was literally so miserable. Pumping for a baby that's not here anymore. After that, like what was your next steps? Did you guys have a service for him? Yes, we did. So we really did want to do it in a church. But when it came down to it, it was super expensive. And um we also so Rob and I wanted to each speak
00:38:13
Speaker
at the service and at a church that wasn't possible. Only one of us could talk, which to me is ridiculous. wow Yeah. And it, yes. Yes. So yeah. And also the way that it would have been timed out by the time we were leaving the service we would have ran into a million kids at recess. So that was what really sold me on like, nope, let's just do it at the funeral home. Like we can stay as long as we want. We each can talk, whatever. And it was the same funeral home that we went to when my grandma passed. So they know they know our family way too well. We've been there way too many times this year. And so we also wanted to bury him
00:39:01
Speaker
But something that I didn't know is that they don't really make, well, from what I was told, they couldn't have a casket made for him that was small enough for him. And we would have to order a custom one and it would have taken too long to save all the details of that but I also the more that I thought about it I was like I don't want to leave him somewhere like I don't want to leave him alone so we did decide to cremate him and he's at home with us there he is
00:39:40
Speaker
Hey bud. Oh wait, there's a picture of him right here. Look at this. I remember seeing this picture. I just don't remember his hair color. Oh yeah, look at that. There's a glare so you can't really see him, but yeah. So he's at home with us, which feels right. Did you hold him or see him again before his cremation or was, how did, I don't know, did they offer you that option? No, they didn't offer. um He wasn't bombed right away because the original plan was to bury him. um And also cremation is scary, especially when you're thinking about your kid. Like we all know, yeah we all know what it is and you don't, you know what I mean? So, but it does, it felt like the right thing to do. Oh, actually I wear his ashes too. I totally forgot. And then closer oh god look and then that's his fingerprint.
00:40:38
Speaker
and did The hospital did that, right? So like my whole family has that basically. yeah Oh, really? Yeah, they made ah they made a bunch of them. So my grandparents have them. Rob's mom has them. My brother, sister-in-law, my parents, everybody has them. Yeah, Nicole, I was just at that hospital doing a family whose baby passed away after birth, but it was known that the baby was not not going to live. And the, the child life came in and did that, that impression. And I was like, I just wanted to see how you guys do it. And it's so simple how they do it. We were one of the first people that, so the hospital that we were at, they had just started doing it. So we were one of the first families that did it. Yeah.
00:41:20
Speaker
What a beautiful gift. That's amazing. I literally was like air dry clay. She just pushed the, it was so, and like, they made the beautiful, I'm like, that's awesome. I love it. I love it. I really love it. Did you get a free one? Cause I know they gave you a free one. Then did your family get to buy them? So Rob and I both got, they paid for Rob and I to have one. And then the rest of our family just bought it, but they were like, I think they were like 50 bucks. Okay, I was gonna ask you how much. I'm like, I pay $1,000 for this fingerprint. You know, yeah that really cute. Yeah. What a good hospital. Like that's, that's such a nice gift. Yeah. To families. I mean, they overall, obviously we were there for horrible circumstances and I don't know if I'll ever be able to stomach it going back in there.
00:42:10
Speaker
But overall, right the staff, the nurses, doctors, everybody was so wonderful. the only thing The only thing that I could complain about is that, and obviously I'm not trying to be like picky here. we did So we were in the NICU because of his age. They decide they were they were debating on pick you or NICU. He did go to the NICU. So we were surrounded by families and babies that were like, yeah, they were in the NICU, but like they were still being fed and changed and their parents got to love on them all day. I mean, while we're across the way, I just remember being so angry looking at them. Like, how dare you come here and see your children?
00:43:02
Speaker
while I'm here, like, which sounds horrible now. But I'm like, do you believe this guy's just changing his kid's diaper over here? Like what the hell? What? No, I could picture those rooms and they're all glass. yes and You can literally see right across the hall from you, especially if you're sitting and next to his cot or his ice letter, or whatever. You can literally see the baby across from you. I think the same exact things. And then when you know when they took him off of life support, if they kept you in that room, I think they just put up. like They just put something on the door that says something about privacy.
00:43:35
Speaker
Yeah. So it's still not, yeah, I totally get what you're saying, but I get that it's also. Well, we're all like in the afternoon. So like when obvious, so like these parents didn't stay all day long. Like they did have to follow visiting hours. Our family didn't because of the circumstance. But honestly, I will say though, those parents are probably traumatized. I, as much as I was thought about them, I would honestly bet from what went on across the way from them. that they probably think about us too. I was going to say the same thing. Which is crazy, but I hope their babies are well. I really do. I really hope that their families are doing well and their babies are healthy.
00:44:18
Speaker
um When you say that, I wish them well, I can do it. Cardi B. I wish them well. I wish them well. it yeah the Oh my God. oh my So how was your relationship with Rob now? Do you guys think you're a little stronger? Yeah. I was nervous. I will say not that we don't have any, Rob and I don't argue about anything. Like he really is. ah love of my life, my soulmate, the best person ever. Like he would give his, the shirt off his back to anybody and he treats me like gold. So I always knew that we were going to be okay. I worried about the only thing that I worried about was how we were going to cope. Because again, he's a very strong man, you know?
00:45:14
Speaker
He's a retired army that he's just your very manly man, but we're definitely stronger. And I appreciate how open he is and how honest he is with his feelings and the things that like he doesn't hold back with me. I always kind of thought maybe for my sake, he was going to push it down and I think that men just do that. They try and be yeah strong and supportive for their partner because they're the man. And he is like that, but he is also very honest when he's having a tough time and when things are hard. He's very supportive, but he also appreciates being supported. So I go to therapy. He hasn't started yet.
00:46:05
Speaker
He's he is working on that therapy is weird now. You know, it's just different. My therapist wants me to like breathe with her and I'm really not that type of person. I felt bad. She like wanted to do because I but you know how they send you those those like documents and you add all the numbers together and it like tells you how anxious, depressed and everything. So we're going over the anxiety one and she's like, all right, the score's out of 21. You scored a 20. I'm like, that sounds good. I'm like, that sounds really good. Is that good? She's like, Oh,
00:46:42
Speaker
Weedy, you are so anxious. I was like, I was a totally went over my head. um Yeah, so she wants to do a lot of breathing techniques and I'm just not that gal. Yeah, I'm like, sorry. but It works for some people. I hear it doesn't work for me. I'm a big giggler. Like I can't there's sometimes things just happen and I get when I get uncomfortable, I laugh. So I'm like trying to breathe in my nose and I'm just cackling. She's great though. Shout out to my therapist. She's wonderful. Does does Rob like talk to that? Because I know there was the sad dads club they were giving out. I think they gave Rob one of their cards or stickers or something. does he Did he ever like follow up with them? I just don't know any dad. I think that they have an Instagram. OK.
00:47:35
Speaker
I think he follows their Instagram. His- I didn't know if they had like a virtual support group. I don't know if they do. If they do, Rob is not in that yet. Okay. I honestly, I think it's, I let him do as he pleases. You know? Like I don't want to push things on him. Like whenever he's ready to do something or whatever, I'm here. I love that. You know? I don't want to push and be like, you have to do this. You have to do that. um I will say that which I love so Julie and Justin who are Aubrey's parents um they have they run Aubrey's advocate
00:48:17
Speaker
We love them. We went to their house for a barbecue. Shout out to them. So he's friends with Justin, which I love. I'm like, yes. Yes. You gotta to have that person that just gets it. Like, I get it. And his friends are great. I love Rob's friends. Rob's friends are Even though they not all of them can understand, regardless, they are so supportive and they are all wonderful. So I think that he's just more comfortable with them. So he kind of he leans on his friends that he's had forever more, if that makes sense.
00:48:55
Speaker
yeah so Yeah. And you probably don't push him because you wouldn't want him to push you. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Like you just respect that, like respect me and I respect him. I mean, and I don't, I'm not in his head either. So it's not fair for me to be like, I know you better than you know yourself. Yeah. You know, like take your time, give yourself grace. Do what you, you know, like if you don't want to do it, don't do it. I'm not going to force you to do something you don't want to do. Because I think that's where that would create conflict with anybody. That's with anybody, though. so I will say, though, like at our support group, we have one once a month, so we just had it last Monday. I saw that. I wish I went. I'm sorry. it's And I told, we had a new mom come that um I photographed her baby in the hospital. I want to say it was only like two months. It wasn't that long ago. She's also a newer lost mom.
00:49:52
Speaker
And um I said, listen, you're going to cry, but you're going to laugh so much. And it was that's it always is. it's They just are funny. like You're laughing today, just because you're also still a normal person. But I know you know that when she left or when new parents come and leave, I i know that they're going to leave and say, damn, I should have done this sooner. like This was actually like really good for me. so And we do have lots of dads that come. So you know if you ever want to come over, You know, I would love that. I think I was going to do it. And then the transmission, I'm not even making excuses. My car's transmission went. So we just had a oh expensive problem. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. What a year. What are like five months? Oh my God.
00:50:40
Speaker
We're already traumatized. I've had enough, man. I've had enough. Lord. Oh my God. and Was there anything else besides like therapy and obviously you guys have great communication, anything else that's really helped you or anyone that's really come through for you friend wise or acquaintance that you didn't expect? That's a great question. Honestly, my mom, has pulled through, like moms and daughters, especially growing up, you always butt heads. But my mom has really, really pulled through, been there.
00:51:24
Speaker
even through her own grief and guilt because she does feel a little guilty that we stayed with her for a week and then the day that we left he she she did feel some guilt like maybe she got him sick which isn't the case you know um regardless of her feelings like she is always there always so supportive Honestly, I feel like all of the friends have really stepped up like my friends, Rob's friends, everybody checks in. And when we hang out, it's not like that. No one's like, Oh, look at these poor people. You know, they let us talk when we want to talk. yeah We joke and we have a good time. And, you know,
00:52:09
Speaker
We, I literally, Rob and I had this conversation yesterday. Like, of course I'm distraught. Like, of course I'm so heartbroken that he's not here, but like I am, we do have a good life. Like we are, we have a happy life and, and don't never be the same, but I think overall you kind of got to hold on to that. Like. We have good people and every, I think everyone really has pulled through, especially my fellow lost moms. Shout out to you guys. So that's so great that you have all that support. Yeah, I'm really grateful. Well, is there anything that we did not ask you that you wanted to talk about or say? Honestly, I think I really just wanted to say like, I'm still so early in this journey.
00:53:00
Speaker
I still have no idea what I'm doing. I'm applying for jobs. I'm trying to get back into like quote normal life again. I'm trying to be quote normal. But I think to anybody else if someone is also really early in their grief listening like It's totally okay if you do nothing and you just need to just kind of keep your head above water. If that's what you gotta do, just do it. Give yourself grace. It's okay to not know what's going on. It's okay to maybe not get help right away. If you need to just live in it for a while, you know, however you choose to deal with what's going on,
00:53:49
Speaker
is fine. Don't hold yourself to another standard. Don't compare yourself to other people who have lost children because every situation is so different. And even though I am still early in, you know, I really do believe that like, it's going to be okay. You know, We'll find a way to just keep going. We have to. And your life will never be the same, but it's going to be okay. So. Yeah. What did you say at the funeral? I wanted to know that. Like as you said you both spoke, did you like write something up that you wanted to say? Did you read a poem? That's a great question. Um, we both wrote like eulogies. Your wall. Okay. Obviously that's what we wrote.
00:54:40
Speaker
Uh, but no, didn't it like read a poem. My, mine was, I really talked about like from the very beginning, like with you guys about finding out when we were pregnant, wondering if it was going to be a boy or girl. ah moment in the delivery room when Rob was like, oh, it's a baby. And everybody laughed at that. So that was nice. And then I made him a lot of promises. And Keegan actually means um small flame, his name, that's what his name means. And so I kind of just wanted to focus on that. And his name really does show that no matter how small his claim is, he forever left an impact
00:55:28
Speaker
on everyone that has ever known him and loved him even if they never met him. And I just made him promises. I promised to honor him and pray for him and make him proud. And rob taught Rob told a story because Rob read to him and always held his finger. Rob loves that. Rob loved holding in his hand. So it was hard. I didn't look at anybody. yeah I couldn't even look up at that podium. yeah I'm there was probably no dry eye in the house. Oh, no. Well, also, which was kind of crazy. So when you walk out of the funeral home, I didn't expect this. Like everyone, you know, says goodbye. And then they like make their way out. Every single person gave us a hug after they said goodbye to him.
00:56:20
Speaker
It was like like every single person just like just kept showing us so much love. And then we went we had we did have a luncheon afterwards at Rob's Union Hall. And his union was great too. His union like really, and his boss, they were... What's his dream? He's an insulator. Yeah. Okay, cool. Well, because Nicole's husband is also in the union, right, Nicole? Yeah, my husband's an electrician. I did want to say to honor Keegan, because I've been thinking about it.
Honoring Keegan's Memory
00:56:52
Speaker
You know, you think about like, what's the best way to honor your baby? I really, I would like to do something like what Amber did for her son, Lucas. But I don't know. I don't know. You know, you got to take it day by day. I don't know if we'll be able to do that.
00:57:10
Speaker
But I definitely one of my friends told me about this. And I think it's really nice. I really want to go into like a local bakery or grocery store and buy someone's birthday cake on his birthday. On his birthday. Yeah. So I've been thinking about that. I think I want to make a but make him a birthday plate too. I've always wanted to do that. Like for the tape, like to set at the table for his birthday? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, if you do like decide to do a fundraiser or something, please let us know because we would we can come. We'd love to. And we would also like definitely post about it. Thank you. Especially if there's free drinks. Oh, yeah. Rob's a bartender. Exactly.
00:57:53
Speaker
That's not a bad idea. Three monkeys. See? Ooh, go. We'll help you do this. I got some friends there. Yeah. A lot of small businesses like to, I mean, especially if you're going to raise money and give it to some kind of charity. Yes. Yes. Yeah, a lot of um places like to do that. It'll come to you. I mean, that's a great idea. And if you decide, you know, you're waiting for something, but it'll come to you. You'll be fine. Yeah. Well, thank you so much again for being on the podcast.
Closing Remarks and Listener Engagement
00:58:22
Speaker
Sorry, we met you how we met you, but I'm glad that we met you. Me too. I'm so glad I met you guys. Thank you so much for having me and letting me talk about my sweet boy. Oh yeah. We're honored to share his story. We're glad to have you. Yeah. Thank you so much.
00:58:41
Speaker
Thank you so much for tuning into the latest episode of the Blindsided podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at Nicole with the blindsided.com or Desiree at the blindsided.com. For more episodes, make sure to follow on your favorite podcast app. Just search the blindsided podcast and hit that follow button. You can also connect with us on social media too. You can find us on Facebook and Instagram at the blindsided podcast.
00:59:14
Speaker
We love engaging with our listeners and hearing your thoughts on each episode. And before you go, consider leaving a rating and review for our show. Your feedback helps us reach more listeners who might find value in the stories and discussions we share. Once again, thank you for listening and being a part of the Blindsided community.