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Nation Siblings Day - Emily / Connor
56 Plays1 year ago
If you didn't know, Siblings Day is April 10th every year! We wanted to bring you, and your kids, something special so we interviewed the sibling (Emily) of a baby who was born still (Connor).
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Emily is 12 years old, and a sister to her two brothers Owen and Connor. Connor was born silently in 2016 when Emily was just 4 years old. Since that time, Emily has continued to speak of him and made sure he’s included in family conversations. She told us she enjoys sports such as volleyball, soccer and track.
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Emily is (in my opinion) so very well spoken and a pleasure to interview. Not sure about where her future will lead her, but I feel like she will impact many as she shares about her family's experience.
Her mom, Jenna, also shared about the day she lost Connor, and the headspace her family was in.
Thank you Emily (and Jenna) for sharing Connor with our podcast, and the world! You're an awesome big sister Emily!
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Transcript
Introduction to the Support Group
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree. We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies.
00:00:23
Speaker
We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast.
00:00:43
Speaker
Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast.
Significance of Sibling Interviews
00:00:45
Speaker
I'm your host, Desiree Miller, and today I'm here with Emily. Emily is 11 years old, soon to be 12, and she lost her brother, Connor, to a full-term stillbirth when she was just four and a half years old. I wanted to interview a sibling, number one, because I wanted to honor siblings who lost a brother or sister on National Sibling Day.
00:01:06
Speaker
Also because I wanted to interview a child whose family I had the opportunity to meet. When I go to the hospitals often, I'm only there for maybe 45 minutes interacting and I don't really know too much about the family until afterwards if we do keep in contact.
00:01:23
Speaker
And obviously with this family, I have kept in contact for about seven years now. I did find out that Connor had siblings, Emily and Owen. And really, I just love this family. And if you see or when you see pictures of their baby, he's just a beautiful baby. Jenna and Brad just make pretty kids. I tell her that all the time.
00:01:43
Speaker
Thank you so much for being here, Emily, and thank you for being the first sibling that we've ever interviewed on this podcast, and probably the first sibling that's ever been interviewed on any podcast that I'm aware of. So it's a big honor, and I really thank you so much for doing this.
00:01:58
Speaker
So Emily, thank you so much for being here today. Can you introduce yourself and say how old you are or what grade you're in and some things that you really enjoy doing? So my name is Emily. I'm in sixth grade and I'm 11 and I like to do soccer and track.
00:02:14
Speaker
You'd like to do track? Yeah. My nephew likes to do that too. And it's just like very boring practice. It looks like you guys just run a lot. Oh, what I wanted to tell you before this is you said, mommy said, don't talk. Do you call her mommy or mom? Mom depends. When I used to talk to my brother, we called our mom, mommy and daddy. I don't know why even when we were teenagers, we just kept doing it.
00:02:39
Speaker
So when you were telling her, or your mom said to you, don't talk in like a baby voice. But I was gonna say to you that you're only 12 years old, 11? You're only 11? My birthday's on Sunday, so I'm practically 12. Okay, she's practically 12. So for being practically 12, you're really brave for doing this, number one. And number two, I think you are going to be the first kid sibling that was ever interviewed about losing your sibling ever that I ever heard of. So that's pretty cool.
00:03:07
Speaker
That's really cool. Yeah, so it's okay if you're a little nervous because I would be a little nervous too. So can you tell me like about your family? I have a 17 year old brother, I have a dad and a mom, and then I have two cats. What are your cat's names? Mickey and Millie. Mickey and Millie? A boy and a girl? Yeah. Oh yeah, I want to come see your cats. So how old were you when your parents lost your brother
Emily's Personal Recollections
00:03:33
Speaker
Connor? I was four and a half.
00:03:36
Speaker
And do you remember anything about that? Yeah, so I remember I went to visit him and I didn't, I don't think I could comprehend what really happened yet because I was still so young. And so when I saw him, I remember he had dark lips. And so I always, his nickname I had for him was chocolate lips. So you got to meet him and your brother went with you too?
00:03:57
Speaker
Yeah, we met him, we hold him, and we got to see him a little. So do you still remember that kind of? I do. It feels like it was just yesterday when it was like six years ago. And do you have any pictures of you holding him or no?
00:04:10
Speaker
I do actually on my mom's phone. I do. Oh, you do? Well, that's good. I just wanted to know if you did. So I'm just going to ask you things about what you remember and what were good choices that your mom made for you or maybe things you wish you would have done a little better. But we all try to do our best with our kids when things are happening. So when you were feeling like all these, you knew you were having a brother, were you excited to have another brother?
00:04:35
Speaker
I was a little upset at first because I really wanted a sister. But then I got to pick his name. Towards the end, I was starting to get really excited to have another little sibling. You got to pick his name. So they gave me like three choices and I picked his name, Connor. So they narrowed it down. Nothing you picked they would have not liked. Yeah. So you said you remember meeting Connor. Do you remember anything? You just held him and they took pictures. Do you wish there was more that you got to do with him?
00:05:03
Speaker
I mean, not really because I feel like at that point there's only so much you could do. I don't have any regrets for what I did when I come to meeting him and anything like that.
00:05:13
Speaker
And you were only four and a half years old and a lot of families think like four, five, you're very smart. You know that you were going to have a brother come home, even if you don't remember remembering that you definitely knew you were going to have a brother come home. And then you had to go to the hospital and then he wasn't alive and he wasn't going to come home. So that's, that's really a hard thing for that age to do. So pretty cool that your mom and your dad included you on that.
00:05:35
Speaker
I was very happy they did because I wanted to meet him because I felt like if I didn't get to meet him, I would be very confused. So I got to meet him. So I was still confused. But I think I got to meet him and like got to see him. So I wasn't as confused. Do you think it made you sadder when you got to come home that you that you did get to meet him or wouldn't have mattered either why you still would have been pretty sad?
00:05:58
Speaker
I think I was still like so young. So I would have been sad if I didn't get to meet him. I think because I'd never want to get like be able to see his face or anything. So I think I was happy. I was able to like see his face and see what he looked like. Okay, good answer. Thank you. So today, does your family still talk about Connor? Yeah, we talk about like what sports you were doing, what grade you'd be like, you know, and stuff like that. Like a lot of what ifs. How old would he be today?
00:06:27
Speaker
He would be, I believe, six or seven. Born in 2016? Yeah, he would be six. Right. So what's his birthday? November 16, 2016. OK.
00:06:40
Speaker
November 11th. Wait, you would be seven. She would be seven. He would be seven. I was trying not to like interview. I know it's Emily's interview. And I know she's nervous. So I might just prompt her with some of the things I was talking about.
Family Traditions and Celebrations
00:06:57
Speaker
We celebrate him most on international wave of light. And Emily is the one that holds us accountable every year. This year, we happened to have friends over was it a football
00:07:08
Speaker
Yeah, and do you want to say what we did like you made sure we all with the candle? So our friends were ever so we took the candle from where we store it. I'm going upstairs and we lit it together. It's like a family. Oh, you have one special candle that you guys use all the time. Yeah, the same one every year. Where'd you get it from? Was it a gift or? Yeah, so we use we actually like three two of them are from the wave of light walk that we knew about through you.
00:07:36
Speaker
And then one was a Lenox angel that I actually was, um, it was given to me as a gift from a friend before I had even lost Connor a few months before then. So like our first picture, like that's what Emily picked for the candle. And so we put it aside and we only use it every year on that, on that day. That's a really good idea. Yeah. That's a really good idea. I think a lot of people think
00:08:03
Speaker
No. I was going to ask you before we go on also, what led to the decision for you to let Emily and your son meet Connor?
00:08:12
Speaker
So really, I have to credit the nursing staff. I had amazing nurses. And in that moment, I was a shell of myself. And I was still in mom mode where I wanted to protect them. I didn't want the kids to see me at my worst. And I was so afraid that if they held him, because his soul was already gone and just his body,
00:08:35
Speaker
Would that have negative impacts and just through coaching from the nurses they were in our grief counselor We had an amazing grief counselor and she said you want them to do this if they're asking because they might resent you for it later or be upset and
00:08:53
Speaker
if you could see the world through a kid's lens. Like when Emily came in right away, the love that she showed, she was shorter. So her dad, my husband Brad picked her up and she's like, look at his cute little chocolate lips. Like I was worried about that because I was like, oh my goodness, his lips are changing color. And everybody kind of like breathed a sigh of relief. And then Owen held her and she was still younger. So she helped Owen and we were able to get a picture of that.
00:09:22
Speaker
My only regret is I wish that I soaked it in a little longer and maybe let them come up more than just the one night that they were with us. And that's something Emily said too. She wishes she had a little more time with him. I get reminded that I wouldn't let her like hold him by herself, but she was four and a half. Yeah. Yeah. You were a little, even though it doesn't seem like it when it happens. Yeah. You were a little. So do you celebrate his birthday and how do you guys celebrate his birthday?
00:09:51
Speaker
So we normally celebrate it and we kind of just talk about it. And then we normally don't do a cake. We just like share memories we have and just like, it's like his day, like we all get a birthday. So even though he's not with us, he still deserves to be celebrated. So sometimes we'll go to his grave and sometimes like talk about and stuff like that. Okay. Do you go to his grave a lot? Not a lot. We go, we try to go like once a month, but sometimes it can get a little busy. So.
00:10:19
Speaker
That's kind of a lot. I think that's good. Yeah. And the one, like the first two years, Emily was still young and like emotional. So she actually wrote a letter and I never read the letters because I always respected their privacy. But I remember like going with balloons and we would say a prayer as like a family and talk and then I kind of would give the kids their space and she would like put down her letter for him and kind of tuck it there below like a little truck we keep out there. So wait, you guys don't have the letters?
00:10:48
Speaker
No, I let her keep them there. And now looking back, that was another thing. I had written a letter to him and placed it in his casket. And now years later, I'm like, why didn't I make a copy of it? Just think you don't think of those things in a moment. But yeah, I would love, and I'm sure Emily would have loved to see, what did I write to my brother on his first birthday when she's older?
00:11:12
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, especially because she was so you were just learning how to probably even write sentences. That's funny. Emily, did you ever like attend like counseling or like a grief group just for kids?
00:11:25
Speaker
I never attended it. I feel like I had my parents to kind of help me understand it. So I don't think I necessarily, I'm not saying I would benefit from it. I think it could have been helpful, but I never attended when I think I had my parents kind of guide me and make it down to my level. Well, you're lucky that you actually can feel like you can go to them because that's really pretty cool for a kid to feel like that.
00:11:51
Speaker
And one of the things, you know, she might not remember, but that really helped was they sent us home with a book. We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead. And that was helpful because we were able to talk to her guidance counselor at the time because she was in preschool at the local elementary school.
00:12:07
Speaker
And we kind of said she might say things like, there's an angel on my shoulder. And we kind of talked about things from the book because I think that is a very good book for younger children to explain the process because that's the hardest thing. How do you tell the kids when there was all this excitement?
00:12:26
Speaker
I don't think you remember it as much now because we really don't read it to her because she's having more, not adult conversations, but very comfortable speaking about Connor and just knowing she could bring him up anytime in our house.
00:12:39
Speaker
That's so nice. It's nice for you, Emily. It's also nice for your mom every time you bring them up. Yeah, very mature. She's very mature. Yeah, she's very mature. She's 11 going on 21. What is that? What did you mom? Wait, how old are you again? I'm 11. I'm turning 12. I'm sorry, 11 going on 22. Yeah, exactly.
00:12:59
Speaker
but in a good way. So if you meet somebody new, and this is for kids who maybe lost their sibling, how do you feel about saying Connor's name when they say, do you have any brothers? Do you have any sisters? I always include him because, for example, my older brother, he's here with us. So I say him, but my little brother Connor, he's not here, but he still deserves to have his name out there. So I say, oh, I have a 17-year-old brother.
00:13:26
Speaker
they have a little brother who passed away. So I think it's important to include him because at the end of the day, he's still my brother. Right. But do you think it's okay if some kids are just too nervous maybe to say that because they don't want somebody to ask them a question? Yeah, I think that's good because it's your life. So if you want to keep that information private, do it. But if you want to share it, I would recommend that too. I see both sides to it.
00:13:48
Speaker
Okay. When I asked your mom if you wanted to do this, and I'm just going down some of the questions I have for you, I just want to make sure I ask almost everything. So when I talked to your mom about if you would do this, she said, Oh my gosh, yeah, her screen savers actually Connor. So what made you do that? And when did you do that?
00:14:04
Speaker
I did it a little over like three months ago, I think in like the beginning of January. Yeah. Um, and so my brother, oh, and we have little pictures and that's always my screen saver. And so I thought, well, why not make Connor? Cause I have the picture you actually took in my phone safe. So I just made that my screen saver and my brother own where my home screen.
00:14:25
Speaker
I love that picture also though. So what did you think when you saw her screen save? Did she tell you or you just saw her screen save? No, she didn't tell me. So, okay, I'm gonna try not to get choked up because it's like
00:14:37
Speaker
It's a sweet thing too. So it's not always tears of sadness when you're seven years out. Like you're still sad, but there's also tears of joy. And I just happened, she asked me to plug in her phone and I saw it. And Emily is very creative with making videos. And she showed me a video right before his birthday last year. And she's like, mom, don't cry. And she made this beautiful video and like even put in her own captions. I hope I'm not embarrassing you.
00:15:02
Speaker
what it's like to lose a sibling. And she picked this beautiful song, The Night We Met. And I started crying because it's emotional. But we instilled in the kids early on that it's okay. Just because we're crying, it doesn't mean we're always sad. The impact, and I tell her this, she is an amazing sister. Owen is an amazing brother. Owen
00:15:24
Speaker
writes Connor's initials in his wrestling shoes every year. Oh my gosh. So when they talk about him still and we talk about him like a part of our family, it means more to me, I tell them, than they'll ever know. Because that was like my biggest fear. I always knew that I would think of him every single day and life goes on. But the fact that we could come together as a family and the fact that she did that without somebody prompting her just made me very proud.
00:15:55
Speaker
Very proud. That's so nice, Emily. No, I know your brother, your mom said he would probably do an interview too, but I was already mindset on just doing one person. It's my first time doing a kid. So you have a video, you should share it on YouTube. I would love to share it. I would love to see it personally.
00:16:14
Speaker
I can chat if you want. Listen, I think you're really going to be, it's so weird when you think about Emily, like where, you know, when this happened and then here you are and you're sharing with us and you're sharing with all these people. And in five years, like just you writing that, doing that song is really touching. Like I think it's so touching your mom and it would be so cool for other kids to see things that maybe they could do, not that they have to share it, but just, so if you want to share it, I think, I mean, I know I would love to see it.
00:16:41
Speaker
If you ever upload it to YouTube, make an account and then just share the link. I'll share the link from your YouTube.
00:16:46
Speaker
And Emily is the one that keeps me in line. So like you talk about the question, you know, I still struggle with that because some days when people are like, how many kids do
Connor's Legacy in Family Dialogues
00:16:57
Speaker
you have? I'm very open. I have three kids. Each of them gave me a different title. The reactions you get, though, are so heavy and there's always an awkward silence. So some days I might not feel as comfortable. And I remember shortly after we lost him, we were at a local diner. I don't even know if you'll remember this.
00:17:15
Speaker
And Emily's very sociable and the waitress is like, oh, is it just you two to her and Owen? And I kind of nodded yes, not thinking. And she's like, um, and I kind of was like, what? She's like, tell her about your other son. So now it's like the middle of like a Sunday breakfast and I have her staring at me.
00:17:33
Speaker
And I'm like, oh yes, my son Connor. So she always makes sure like she's kind of the one that's like, you have another son too. So she's always made sure that we include her brother, very protective big sister.
00:17:50
Speaker
I know why your mom does that sometimes though. Cause it's just like, if you see your friend, well, I don't know if kids do this. You can tell me, Emily, if you see your friend at the store and you know them, but you don't really feel like talking to them right then, it's too much of like energy waste when you're just trying to get something done. It's kind of like that. Like, do I really feel like spending this energy?
00:18:08
Speaker
Yeah, I feel that sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes if I see someone, I'm just like, I wave to them and then I just walk away. You got to have a little bit of energy to like invest in conversation. And they're probably happy you didn't bring it up. Yeah. So when your mom mentioned doing this interview, why did you say yes?
00:18:27
Speaker
I think because when I lost him, I was young and I never, like I had my parents and my brother, but I never had like somebody else's opinion on it. I never had like someone who's not my family. So I think like my mom brought up like, even if it's like an eight year old who doesn't understand it, maybe when they're older, they could understand it from like, I think it's good not to have it from a family's perspective as well. Like you have your families and maybe someone else who understands your,
00:18:56
Speaker
like what you're going through, just through different words as a family may put it.
00:19:00
Speaker
right now it's perfect what if in the future a mom reached out to me and said you had emily on the podcast and i have a 12 year old who doesn't understand like do you think that they could talk to each other would you be open to doing something like that yeah because i think it could be helpful for like someone to understand it i think if you have someone your age i think it might be more helpful than a five-year-old explaining it and a 17-year-old explaining i think it could be helpful having someone like
00:19:29
Speaker
who's your level, who can understand it and relate to what you're going through. And you feel like you would know like how to help them and what to say because you were through it and go through it every day basically.
00:19:40
Speaker
I think I want to know everything. I think I would know like a good amount where I can help them understand it a little. Okay. Just want to take Emily down. So what do you want to be when you grow up? I don't know because I feel like I either want to be a teacher or an actor.
00:19:59
Speaker
Okay. I feel like you could do either one. And that's funny because it changes because her answer in the beginning of the year was a teacher or a nurse because she wanted to help people. But now that she's getting into her creative mode with the videos, I could see that too. Yeah. I'm not a great video editor. We're not going to post the video of this. It's just going to be the audio, but I wouldn't be good at that. But I know they teach them that in school now, so I would be drawn to it, but I wish I had that in school.
00:20:25
Speaker
I didn't and just one thing to that and I don't mean to like cut in but I think there's a lot of great things you do and I know you're a little nervous. Emily had to do a school project this year where you pick family traditions and you have to have pictures included.
00:20:41
Speaker
And Emily made it a point that one of her traditions that she spoke about was the international wave of light. And so I thought it was very brave of her because she included Connor's photo, included a photo of her with the light. And I thought the fact that she's comfortable sharing his photo and getting in front of, you have what, 27 kids in your class?
00:21:01
Speaker
30. 30 kids and a teacher. And talking about that, I told her she's probably braver than she realizes. Yes. And she was so confident, no hesitation to talk about him. And those are the things, again, as a mom that means so much to me because our time with Connor was so short. Yeah. And we are seven years removed and she was young. But to see the love that she feels for him, that means so much.
00:21:29
Speaker
Janik, can I ask you at the very end of this just to tell us a little bit about Connor and what happened? I'm going to ask you two more things, okay, Emily? Other kids that lost a brother or sister in the way that you did, what would you tell them, like the most important thing to tell them that would help them?
00:21:45
Speaker
It gets better at the end. I think because at first it's like, oh my gosh, like I just lost a sibling, there's no hope. But at the end it's like, I feel like I'm so mature and like honored to have this title as like an angel sibling because God maybe did this for a reason. Like other kids couldn't handle it. He knew what my family could. So I think it gets better at the end. And that's what most people don't really realize.
00:22:12
Speaker
Yeah, you just feel in your heart what's happening that day and not really, you can't really imagine five years from now. Just like, I can't wait to see where you're at in five years. It's so funny to think about where we end up versus where we think we're going to end up in life. I don't know if you're going to be a teacher or an actor or a nurse or whatever, but you're going to go somewhere far, girl. So my last question is, what do you think Connor would be doing today if he was still here? Sports or hobbies? Remember, he's only seven.
00:22:41
Speaker
Yeah, I think he would definitely be in wrestling. We're definitely a wrestling family. Okay. So I think he would definitely be doing wrestling. I think he would be playing with friends a lot like normal seven year olds do. I think he would be annoying me sometimes. I was gonna ask that.
00:22:58
Speaker
But also I think he would come to me for things. Like I go to my older brother sometimes for things. And so I think that's like a big part of it. Like what if he would come to me for stuff? But she's like, what can you do? Yeah. It actually changes your whole family. Do you ever, Emily ever see like the oldest, the oldest sibling is this kind of personality and the middle sibling is still kind of this personality than the younger one. She fits more like the oldest stereotype, but still you still hold your like middle place. You actually like it.
00:23:26
Speaker
I see videos a lot of it, like the oldest is like the parent group, the middle is like the forgotten one, and the youngest is like the getaway with everything. I'm definitely not forgotten, I can't be forgotten. And my brother, he's definitely, he's the oldest, but he's not like a parent, like he's just like chill. My younger brother gets like most of the attention. Yeah, and you probably would be a little bit stinker.
00:23:53
Speaker
Oh, thank you so much, Emily, for letting me talk to you and answering all of my questions. Thank you for having me. Yeah, thank you so much. Jenna, can you tell us about Connor and your pregnancy if you want?
Pregnancy Challenges and Stillbirth
00:24:05
Speaker
Yeah. No, I definitely am very open about it. I never had easy pregnancies. So like with Emily, I was very sick all of the time, had to go on medication and always it seemed had to have extra tests done. And it was kind of similar with Connor. Early on during the five month checkup, they thought that maybe something was wrong with his brain developing. So I had to go to CHOP and have an MRI. And
00:24:34
Speaker
If you ever go to CHOP for an MRI, they're designed for kids. So are you claustrophobic? I'm like, no, I'm good. And then suddenly they put me in and I was panicked. And they had to do an MRI. It was a fetal MRI. And CHOP was the only one at the time that could do it. Everything came back great. So we kind of breathed a sigh of relief. And then in October,
00:24:58
Speaker
I noticed he wasn't moving as much. What was your due date? Sorry. So my due date, I actually was going to be a plant C-section. And the reason for that is there was complications with Emily. My due date was December 11th, which happens to be Owen's birthday. So we had to tell him that early. Like, you might be sharing your birthday, but the scheduled date was December 7th. So I already had it, the C-section scheduled.
00:25:24
Speaker
December 7th happens to be my grandmother's birthday, so I thought this is perfect. The stars are aligning. I won't have to share a birthday, and then in December, he'll be born. He'll be welcomed in the world on my grandma's birthday. My niece and nephew also have a December birthday, so that was always the joke. Now we're adding Connor in all these December birthdays. In October, I noticed he wasn't moving as much.
00:25:49
Speaker
went to the emergency room. You know, you do all the things that they tell you to do. I remember drinking orange juice, going for a walk and went to the emergency room. Everybody was great. They ran tests and they were like, oh, he's sleeping. And like that is the last image I saw of him alive was he was sucking his thumb.
00:26:09
Speaker
Oh, he's a sleepy baby and like they woke him up and he was moving and he hit all of the movements he needed to and they had said hey like movements slow down because the baby gets bigger and you know, it could just be something with the placenta as well. Like I'm not going to feel his kicks as much.
00:26:26
Speaker
And then in November, it was a Friday night, and I couldn't sleep. I was up, and I was really itchy, like on my stomach. And then that Saturday morning, I started having pains. Like, I thought it was just hemorrhoid pains. I went to Emily's soccer game. Emily went with family that day, and Owen was with us. And Owen said, Dad, Jenna never complains. Like, I think something's going on. Like, we've got to get her to the hospital.
00:26:55
Speaker
Why does Owen call you Jenna? Oh, so Owen is my stepson. He came into my life when he was three years old. And I have such a great bond with him. And I really credit his mom for that because his mom's amazing, like welcome to me from day one.
00:27:14
Speaker
The family's just blended so well. I love him as if he's my son. I respect that he is a mom, so I'm Jenna to him. Yeah, I wouldn't have known he was your stepson. I didn't know. Yeah, we share a very close bond. Again, that's just because of how close I am to his mom as well.
00:27:31
Speaker
that definitely makes a difference. So I feel very protective of Owen. And Brad was actually painting the nursery that day. And so Brad is a wonderful husband, so I don't want this to come across the wrong way. But he's like, all right. He's like, Jenny, how about I drop you off? Because he had called the doctor on call, and the doctor's like, oh, don't have her come up to see me. She doesn't want to know to be GYN touching hemorrhoids. Have her go to the emergency room. So again, not thinking anything's wrong. And I
00:27:59
Speaker
a little dramatic when it comes to things. So Brad's probably just thinking, okay. And he's like, I remember your drive in there. And I'm like, you just dropped me off, go finish paying the nursery. And like, I was like, no, we're going to stay. So they stayed. And as soon as I went into the emergency room,
00:28:14
Speaker
The nurse was like, hey, we do have to send you upstairs. Still didn't think anything was wrong. And I remember making a joke, because they throw you in the wheelchair. And I met my doctor in the hallway. And I'm like, I tried to tell them, doctor. He'll send me up. And he kind of laughed. And he's like, I know, I know. He's like, we'll get you all checked out and on your way. And here's the weird part. My mind, I think, blocked out a lot of that night. The memories really started to come back a year ago.
00:28:42
Speaker
where I could really think about. I think a lot of that was in the beginning. There's so much sadness that I think my mind blocked things out to kind of protect myself. But now I can say all these years out, I want to remember. I want to think back to that. So get wheeled up, and I want to Brad stay in the room. I first realized something was wrong because the nurse who was looking for Connor's heartbeat
00:29:09
Speaker
was the same nurse I had in triage when I checked in with Emily and I remember her making jokes because it was like the first time I was going to have an IV. She's like, oh my goodness, this is like a first. And she was so jovial. And she had this serious look. And there were times in appointments where they couldn't find Connor's heartbeat. So she's looking. And her backs to Owen and Brad. So now Owen and Brad are in the room.
00:29:35
Speaker
My heart was beating so fast at this point and she's kind of like whispering to me because I think she's kind of like being mindful of Ellen like
00:29:42
Speaker
hey, you have to calm down, because I'm just picking up your heartbeat. And the thing that breaks my heart is Owen thought it was Connor's heartbeat, as did Brad. So Brad's like, that's the baby's heartbeat. And he's like, Jenna, calm down. And I knew, Desiree, in my mind, I was like, this is not good. This is not good. And the woman's hand was shaking, and then they bring in another nurse, and she couldn't find a heartbeat. At that point, I just remember screaming to get Owen out of the room.
00:30:10
Speaker
Because I'm just like, I'm trying to process everything. And I'm like, I have to protect him. He's so young. I think something's wrong. I don't want him in here. And he and Brad left the room. Brad came back in. And the hospital was amazing. A nurse stayed outside with Ellen. And the doctor confirmed. And he said, I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat. And Owen talks about it. I kind of don't remember this part. He said all he heard was just this horrible scream. And he had never heard me scream like that. And he knew in that moment.
00:30:39
Speaker
And so I think you're just in a state of shock because you don't expect that. And now I'm panicked because I knew Emily was with my parents. So now I'm like, who's going to get Emily? And our family, like my niece and my sister-in-law went and got her because my niece's daughter is a year younger than Emily. So we didn't want Emily to know anything was going on. So she was playing with her cousin. So all of our family came up to the hospital. I remember being in the room before I got into like my private room and, um,
00:31:09
Speaker
an amazing head nurse came up to me and said, I just want you to know, like we are going to treat your baby with dignity. We're going to give him a bath. What's his name? And I said, I don't want to see him because I just was like, I don't want to see him. I don't want to see him. Horrible, horrible. If that would have happened, if they would have let me. And she actually took like my hand, like my face in her hands and looked me in the eye and just said,
00:31:36
Speaker
We're going to honor him. You want to see him. Connor's your baby. And so we always try to get by things with humor and it's really hard to find humor in that. But there were moments, like I remember in the C-section with Connor, the doctor's phone went off and it was like his wife and he was like, Oh my goodness. And I'm like, Oh, Brad, what's your song for me? So like I was still trying to, you know, try to make light of the situation.
00:32:03
Speaker
But he was a C-section because he was breached. And again, he was a planned C-section. And knowing the complications I went through with Emily, we decided we would still go ahead with the C-section. And when he entered the world and they brought him over, he looked like he was just asleep. Like the most beautiful baby. He was a pretty baby.
00:32:22
Speaker
he just like looked like Emily and he and his his coloring was perfect when he was born so like that's where your mind starts playing tricks on you because I'm like there's no way that this baby like my Connor's gone he's gonna open his eyes like he he's going to and um
00:32:40
Speaker
That didn't happen. And I remember that's where it starts to get a little cloudy. I went back to the room and our family was amazing. My sister-in-law stayed up there. My parents, my in-laws, my niece, and they all made it natural. They all took turns holding Connor. And I remember feeling so guilty and saying to Brad, this is all my fault.
00:33:07
Speaker
And he's like, I don't ever want you to say that again. This is not your fault. I felt bad for him because he was like the rock. He comforted me in that room. And he still had his own emotions. Oh, no. I don't think Emily's ever heard my full story. And now she's crying a little bit. But sorry, I didn't think about that part.
00:33:29
Speaker
but um he just got me through it and it's just it's a shock i had never heard about stillbirth deseret so when this happened i thought this is just me i'm i'm a like i'm in the minority here the majority of women deliver babies their bodies don't fail them
00:33:47
Speaker
we decided not to have an autopsy just because I couldn't bear the thought of his body being dissected, but the doctor did look him over, didn't see anything, thought maybe it could be an infection because I had developed an infection, but we never really got an answer on what caused it, which seems to be common in the stillbirth community.
00:34:10
Speaker
And then one thing Emily kind of, now I'll kind of add humor just so you're not crying. So Emily had gone with me to one of my prenatal visits and I had asked the doctor if I could have shrimp. I'm like, I heard they lightened up the seafood restrictions. I'm going to the seafood party. And he's like, if you can avoid the shrimp and crabs, do it. Well, a week before this happened, I had like one of Brad's fried shrimp. And so Emily said to me, again, being four and a half, she's like, mom, do Connor's heart stop because you eat that shrimp because I saw you eat
00:34:40
Speaker
It was like, no, it's not from the shrimp, Emily. But yeah, the whole process, when you're going through it, it doesn't feel normal. I felt like my life had ended in that moment. 36 years to become the person I was, I thought I was strong. And in that moment when you hear no heartbeat, my world forever changed. What I'd like to say to moms is,
00:35:05
Speaker
early on, you're going to, you are in grief. There's no way to sugar coat it. You are sad. You don't understand it. Seven years removed. I think of them every day, but I don't cry every day. That boy is always going to be there, but I now look back and I actually, you know, I lost my faith for a while after this happened, but I thank God for him because I wouldn't change anything. Like, you know, if somebody was like, Hey, you could go back in time and you could have a different pregnancy and a healthy baby. I wouldn't change it now. Seven years out, if that makes sense. Cause I love him. And
00:35:35
Speaker
He has made our family closer.
00:35:37
Speaker
for sure, but it's just weird. And at that time, if it weren't for people like you, I mean, that was another thing. Like I didn't want his photo taken. And my sister-in-laws worked with one of my nurses to have you come in. The photos, like we have a photo album, like of all the photos and like Desiree, I can't thank you enough because that is the best gift we could have. Cause we have like his picture in a frame. And so he's very present in our house. And it's just that reminder of what he looked like. Cause you do forget.
00:36:07
Speaker
Yeah. And so it's very hard when you're in the moment, but it's really important if like you're not strong enough to do it because I wasn't, my family was strong enough to make some of those decisions for me. And now I'm like forever grateful.
00:36:23
Speaker
Yeah, thank God. And you had those people around you because like you said, a lot that we hear is when families don't, you know, make memories or really get a lot of pictures or include siblings. Sometimes they go home and say, man, I wish I would have. But you made the decision that's right for you in that moment. But I'm so glad when you have nurses and family members that push you to do things that they think you might want in the future.
00:36:44
Speaker
Yeah, definitely. My regret is now. Of course, I'm a lot stronger now. I wish I held him more. He was in the room with us, and I held him, but I really wish I just held him nonstop. I remember things about him. I tried to take it all in, like his little cowlick that he had.
00:37:03
Speaker
talk to him, but when you're going through it, it just seems like so out of whack that this is not normal. So yeah, I mean that would just be something I would say like lean on your family because they'll get you through it. And another thing too, and I'm sorry, I feel like I'm like rambling or I'm talking like too much, but we kind of were like talking about things that we incorporate.
Honoring Connor's Memory
00:37:26
Speaker
And every year,
00:37:27
Speaker
at our family Christmas party, like my sister-in-law's do something to give me a gift that's related to Connor. So I know one year my sister-in-law, Michelle had worked with you. Again, you came to the rescue, the beautiful Santa photos you did. And I remember Connor was in there and my niece one year got us all matching like Cardinal ornaments. And you talk about family not thinking about things. My sister-in-law Noreen took Connor's baby blanket that he was wrapped in. I didn't know this.
00:37:56
Speaker
And she held on to it. And she had her mother-in-law's friend make a bear out of his baby blanket he was always in. So on his fifth birthday, they came over with cookies they had made with the number five. And they gave me the bear, which was his blanket. Five years later? Five years later, didn't even know. And those are things like, and of course, I burst into tears. Yeah, I would too. It was a mix of things, because those are things you don't think of. And they were thinking of that. And so that
00:38:26
Speaker
means so much to me, because I realize others feel his void, too. He's not forgotten. Yeah. Yeah, he's not. You have a really good family. Good kids, good family, good husband. Her husband's the same name as my husband, Brad. I remember when I came in the hospital, Brad would not go in there. He was just angry. He wouldn't go in the room. And I remember your sister-in-law. I wouldn't even talk to him, because he's not going to talk to you. And I said, listen. So I started with, listen, your name is the same name as my husband. I'm going to talk to you how I talk to my husband.
00:38:56
Speaker
But I said, if you hate me when I leave here, you never have to see me again. We never have to interact again. But I'm just going to say my piece. And I did. And he came in and took the pictures with you. I didn't know that part of the story. OK, because I remember he came in and I'm like, oh, this is out of his comfort zone. But here he is. OK.
00:39:14
Speaker
Yeah, I said I don't care if he's mad at me Because I'm not part of the hospital. I'm not part of your lives. I'm just some person I just said oh, yeah, so I just tell I tell all dads I probably said the same thing It's just like you are going to regret it if you could regret it if you don't do this But I promise you you will not regret doing it. You will never look back and say man. I wish you didn't make me take a picture You'll never do that, but you might look forward and you know back one day and say man. I wish she made me yeah
00:39:42
Speaker
Yeah, so Emily was just kind of chiming too. Like he looks back and he loves the photos. And then one thing too, my father-in-law does every year for Connor's birthday is this year it was two huge cheesecakes. So I was like, he went to, he makes it a point to kind of come down and hang out or send us something, usually like something amazing, something delicious food wise. And this year he came to Emily's soccer game. I'm not expecting anything cause so many years goodbye. And he has like these two huge delicious cheesecakes. He's like, not birthday cakes, but here's cheesecakes. So,
00:40:11
Speaker
Again, when people remember his birthday and people talk about him. It means a lot. Especially for a guy because it's not like, hey, I was thinking about Connor today. It's just like, here are the cheesecakes. It's not a birthday cake. Which is like, that is so sweet. Yeah. Even like that it's on your heart like that. Yeah. And like always says, hey, I think about him every day. Yeah.
00:40:34
Speaker
That is so sweet. Thank you so much for being here today, Jen and Emily. Thank you for sharing the story about your brother, Emily, and your son, Jenna Connor, and your family. If you have any questions for Emily or Jenna, please email us at storyteller at the blindsided.com. Thanks so much, and we'll see you next episode.
00:40:50
Speaker
Thank you so much for tuning into the latest episode of The Blindsided Podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at nicolewiththeblindsided.com or desiré at theblindsided.com.
00:41:10
Speaker
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00:41:28
Speaker
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