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Lucas's Story
325 Plays1 year ago
Mom Amber Thompson tells the story of the pregnancy and birth of her son, Lucas James. Amber is a mom, wife (CONGRATS!), friend, hair artist, and true light from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Interviewing Amber was a pleasure, she possesses a truly positive vibe, light, and soul.
Amber experienced a gradual decrease in fetal movement which led her to be evaluated at the hospital. Upon arriving they discovered that Lucas would be stillborn, the reason unknown. After his birth the care team did not find a cause. In this episode, Amber addresses how she is coping with this devastating loss and how she is honoring the legacy of her son.
Amber is able to survive her experiences by attending therapy, joining a virtual support group, maintaining open communication with her spouse, and moving her body with daily walks and other hormone friendly movement-pilates and yoga. She has an upcoming event on January 21, 2024 at Tara Giorgio’s space in Northern Liberties.
For more information visit Ambers website here:
https://ticketstripe.com/events/1038428
Find her on Instagram @amberthomp
Thank you Amber, for sharing your story. We are honored to have you in our community.
To read more about Amber, you can visit our website here:
https://theblindsided.com/latest-podcast-episodes/
If you have a message for her please email us at storyteller@theblindsided.com
Thanks for listening!
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree. We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies.
00:00:23
Speaker
We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love.
Amber's Grief Journey Begins
00:00:36
Speaker
Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast.
00:00:39
Speaker
Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast. We're your hosts, Nicole and Desiree. Hi. Today we are here with Amber, a lost mom from Philadelphia who is going to share her grief journey with us as she survives the loss of her son, Lucas James. Hi guys. Nice to be here with you. Yeah. Thank you so much.
00:00:58
Speaker
Yeah, I'm excited to talk about my son. Before we get into the story about your son, can you just tell us a little bit about yourself? Yeah. My name's Amber Thompson. I'm 33. I live in Philadelphia. I'm a hairstylist. I have been for the last 15 years. I don't know what that'll look like in the future yet, but for now, I'm still doing hair.
00:01:21
Speaker
That's about it. My fiance, Nick, and I get married in like five minutes, I think. We get married on December 16th. So I'll link that, how that came to be into the story as we chat. And I know you guys can't see her, but she looks like she, if she was doing this for 15 years, like she started when she was 12, because you look like you're 25. I don't know how old you are, but you look young. That's so funny. 17 when I started, I'm 33 now. I know you get carded still, probably. I wish.
00:01:51
Speaker
Nick, can you share with our listeners? You texted me before we got on. So what did you see on your way home tonight? Oh my gosh. So I was kind of like talking to myself in the car, which is obviously very normal. And I was just getting ready to talk about my birth story because it's been a little while. And I was like, let me just check in. And I started getting a little emotional. And I'm thinking about it. And I was like, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't say this.
00:02:18
Speaker
Maybe I shouldn't say that. And I look in front of me and around the license plate of the car in front of me, it said Lucas, clear as day, all capital. I forget what the, I was like Lucas auto group or something on the top, but on the bottom, it just said Lucas. And I'm like.
00:02:33
Speaker
All right, bud, you're with me. We can do this. Yeah. That's your little sign, right? Yes. Yeah. He is aggressive with his signs and he sends me to everybody.
Signs and Connections with Lucas
00:02:44
Speaker
So like if I'm not in the mood or if I don't have the space to see them, he like absolutely reroutes and finds other people to get on their nerves. And then he tells me.
00:02:54
Speaker
Yeah, I'm glad you're open to it. It's hard. Some people are not really open or they're like, I haven't seen and you know, I haven't gotten any and sometimes it's like you probably have. Yeah, I wasn't as open. I lost my grandmother in June of 2022.
00:03:10
Speaker
She raised me my whole life. So I had that major loss and then I thought like Lucas Well, we didn't know what Lucas was until we did but I was like, oh Lucas is like her gift She left and she was like here you have this little person to help you survive but after she passed I didn't feel like I got a lot of signs and then I
00:03:29
Speaker
Lucas passed and after that, my best friend, one of my best friends passed on Mother's Day. So it's just been like a wild. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Uninterested. Yeah, what about in there? Oh my gosh. Just a few months. But after that, I'm like, okay, if everyone's going to be on the other side, I have to lean into
00:03:47
Speaker
the connections with them because there's no way that you just live and die and that's it. So that's brought some kind of peace, whether it's, you know, not everyone's going to believe in it and that's okay, but I think whatever you have to do to survive something like this is fine. If I think a license plate with his name right in front of me is a sign, I don't know how you can't think it is, but yeah. Yeah, it is. For sure.
Pregnancy and Complications
00:04:13
Speaker
A very annoying little child.
00:04:16
Speaker
Can you tell us about your pregnancy journey with Lucas? Yeah. We were super lucky. We got pregnant right away. We weren't really trying or not trying. It was like, we'll see what happens. Fan out about Lucas was excited right away. Well, we didn't know it was Lucas. Fan out about baby.
00:04:38
Speaker
Right away and I had a great pregnancy. I was annoying and like loved it You know, you look back now after you have a loss and I've told everything on Instagram I was like, oh my god, you know now I'm like, you're annoying shut up, but it was nice Yeah, right you look back and like idiot But I kind of had this purpose behind it of like I was mothering without a mother I have in a strange relationship with both my parents my mom just passed so I was like
00:05:05
Speaker
I just felt called to just share. I'm like, you know, mother without a mother, like you're not alone, creating community, whatever. So I shared everything under the sun. And then, yeah, I was, did crossfit before I was pregnant. So I did crossfit the whole time I was pregnant.
00:05:20
Speaker
I worked until I was 38 weeks. Obviously it was hard. I got sick for the first 16 weeks, you know, all the standard stuff, but I had a great pregnancy. No gestational diabetes, no preeclampsia, a quote unquote standard pregnancy, and I didn't absolutely hate it. So 10 out of 10 until it wasn't.
00:05:41
Speaker
So your pregnancy was pretty amazing. Um, so did you find out during your pregnancy that you were having a boy or did you wait to find out? No, so we didn't find out all the way through till the end. We waited until he was born. So we just knew we were having a baby. I'm sure, you know, we'll get into the first story, but we treated it like it was a standard delivery.
Details of Lucas's Stillbirth
00:06:06
Speaker
Um,
00:06:07
Speaker
Yeah, we didn't find out until he was born. That's exciting. Hard to do though. It was very hard. Um, it was not more Nick's decision. Like it was both of us. I was like, if you really don't want to find out, I'll do it. And then it was kind of cool cause then no one's opinions.
00:06:24
Speaker
about names, about anything. It was just nice. So we are going to get into now the birth story. If you can tell us what happened. Yeah. So April 22nd, I always now talk about it as our last good day. Nick had a CrossFit competition, so I went down swollen as ever, 39 in three days, whatever it was. I never really counted.
00:06:50
Speaker
Um, I went down in the morning, watched his CrossFit competition. I came home. I got changed. I went to my best friend's baby shower because of course all of my friends and I were pregnant at the same time. I came home from that and I was supposed to have a 30th birthday party and I was like, I can't. Like I just was exhausted. He was kicking. Well, baby was kicking all day. I just couldn't do the birthday party. So, and it was our cousin and she knew. So I came home.
00:07:16
Speaker
That was the 22nd. The 23rd was normal. We went for a walk. I got this orange smoothie that always made the baby kick. Everything was fine Sunday. Monday morning, same thing, went for a walk with the dog. We were like, oh my gosh, I keep rushing the baby. Let's just embrace this time just with me, Nick, and the dog. Be patient. Embrace what is divine timing.
00:07:39
Speaker
all of the fun stuff. But then that afternoon, I remember talking to my girlfriend and I'm like, I don't know if these are contractions or Braxton Hicks, but like the movements are different.
00:07:49
Speaker
And she was like, oh, how's the kicks? And I'm like, I don't know. They're not really kicks. It's a different movement. But he must really be, or the baby must try to get out. That was like 3 o'clock on Monday. And then at like 8 o'clock, I really couldn't pinpoint a kick. And I'm like, hmm, this seems a little weird. And now, I was a hypnobirthing girl, had a doula.
00:08:11
Speaker
So I was stubborn and knew, not totally stubborn, I knew what to care about and what not to care about. I'm like, damn, movement you don't mess around with. So I did all the internet things. I drank a little bit of soda, nothing. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to hop in the bath. He always swims, I would say, in the bathtub. So I took a bath.
00:08:34
Speaker
I don't know for one eighth of a second there was nothing like there was nothing happening and for a flash I'm like is he gone? But it came and went so quick that I was like no you're just being crazy and you're worried but I pressed on my belly like where his butt was and normally there's like some kind of a I don't want to say he pushes back but there's a feeling
00:08:56
Speaker
Yeah. And it was more of a whooshing feeling. There was no give back. And I'm like, fuck. But I still didn't think the word. I'm like, the cord must be not great. He must really be in a bad position. Maybe he flipped out. I don't know. He was always head down. It just something felt off. But still, you never think the worst. So I called my doula. I let her know what was going on. And she was like, well, what do you want to do? I said, I'm going to go in and get checked. She's like, good. Movement we don't mess around with.
00:09:26
Speaker
So I told Nick, I'm like, let's get in the shower, you know, pack, double check the bags. We'll put the car seat in. This now is the 24th and I was due the 25th technically. So by the time I got in, it was like right around midnight ish. By the time we got to the hospital, I really took my time.
00:09:42
Speaker
I laid down for a little bit and I said, I have a good intuition. If I can't fall asleep, something's wrong. If I can fall asleep, I'm just nervous and anxious and I could not fall asleep and there was no kicks. I did the sodas laid on my left side. So I'm like, uh, we have to go in still.
00:10:01
Speaker
thinking I just was going to need medical intervention to get them out, not thinking the worst at
Coping with Loss
00:10:07
Speaker
all. So whatever. Long story short, we go in. This was when COVID was still kind of sort of a thing. So when I went in, Nick wasn't allowed to come back with me at first. So Nick stayed in the lobby. I went back. The first ultrasound tech was like not in the same spot they normally are with the Doppler. She was like, oh, we're just going to check, make sure everything's OK. We had just heard his heartbeat loud and clear Thursday.
00:10:31
Speaker
This is now Monday going into Tuesday. So she's like, what brought you in today? I said, decrease fetal movement. You know, he's just, the baby's not doing what they normally do, but you know, they're so big. They're probably running out of room. Idiot. But you know, we say the things. And she was just in a weird spot and couldn't find a heartbeat. So I was like, even at that time, just because she wasn't where they normally were for me, like she doesn't know what she's doing. Fine. She's like, we're just going to bring someone else in who's better at this than I am.
00:11:00
Speaker
Okay. So insert person number two, still a Doppler. And she's like, well, when was the last time you felt kicks? I'm like, I don't know. I was feeling for contractions. I was pumping at this point, like to try and get going. I was doing the dates and the oil and whatever I needed to do. So I was like, I don't know. She's like, what was it? Nine o'clock, six o'clock, three o'clock. And then I'm like, I don't fucking know what you do.
00:11:28
Speaker
So Nick's still not back there with me at this point. So now I'm like, okay, shit, this is two people. And she found a heartbeat for half a second, but it was mine. So you could see she was like really tense and then kind of like dropped and then got tense again. And then I just started staring at the ceiling. I'm like this. That's when I think I just started feeling sick, but I still was body and soul was like still in the same spot.
00:11:52
Speaker
After the second person couldn't find a heartbeat, I was a little more aggressive. And I was like, hey, can my partner come back now? And they were like, yeah, not until you're admitted. So I'm the third person. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Oh, I was. So as soon as the third person comes, because now I'm like, this is not. You can't not find a heartbeat on a 40 week baby. So I was like, something's really not good. But I still, still didn't think, why would I think my baby's dead? That's just not what I signed up for.
00:12:21
Speaker
So the third woman comes in and I kind of throw a little bit of a fit and I'm like, no one's effing touching me until my partner's back here. In the meantime, I'm texting Nick. I was like, hey, something's wrong. And he's up with you or the baby. Like it's okay, just breathe. And now I look back and I like regret texting him just because that's not a message you want to receive in a text. But I knew if I told him something was wrong, he would like break the doors down.
00:12:48
Speaker
So I was like, they can't find a heartbeat. And at that point they were like, yeah, he can come back, bring him back in. This was before the third doctor checked for the heartbeat. And I just remember staring at Nick, like hoping something would happen. But they had this screen kind of face towards me. I guess it was an ultrasound at that point. I'm not sure, but he just didn't, the baby just didn't look how they normally look.
00:13:11
Speaker
They looked limp, which sounds weird if you've never experienced it, but like they just didn't look right. And then she kind of is like, I'm really having trouble finding a heartbeat. So I'm like, even then I was just like having trouble. Okay. They're just having trouble.
00:13:29
Speaker
So I'm still like, I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking. Then our OB that we had from the very first appointment, which is funny. She's the one I like didn't love the most. And here she was at our first and last appointment. Her bedside manner was like perfect in the moment, but in the appointments.
00:13:46
Speaker
She didn't really love my more natural-minded stuff. She was like, yeah, yeah, Dola, whatever. But she comes in, and everyone's dead silent. You could hear everything. And she told us, she was like, I'm really sorry. There's no heartbeat.
00:14:02
Speaker
I guess. Yeah. So Nick right away was like, okay, so what do we do? And I took it as like, he didn't get it. Like, you don't do anything. But that wasn't now that we've talked through it. Now, months later, it was more like, okay, so like, how can what do we like what happens now? He was in shock. I was in shock.
00:14:21
Speaker
Um, and that was the moment I literally felt like my body just left. And from that moment on, it was like watching an experience like out of body. I was just looking like, man, that poor family, that poor girl, like that's really a shame. And I don't think that left for like the first 10 to 12 weeks. Wow. Yeah. So from there, it was labor and delivery. I had a great labor. This all sounds so messed up when you find silver linings and stuff, but
00:14:50
Speaker
My labor was great. I was like 24 hours. And then he came out. Lucas, we found out he was Lucas. And that's something that still fucks with me to this day. Because it was like, you see how happy I get. I'm like, oh my gosh, Lucas James. We've been waiting to know who this person was. And both of us were so happy. And then I think it hit us. I'll never forget watching Nick's face just
00:15:15
Speaker
Lose every drop of color because it was so fucked up that we waited so long to meet this person We found out that it was Lucas like it's our first baby. So it's you know, your first son as a father it was Sucks was born April 26 at 2 13 in the morning
00:15:37
Speaker
Um, and he weighed seven pounds, 14 ounces, and he was perfect. Like his photos. Oh my God. He was such a chunk. Like his photos are almost even worse because he just looked so good. It's just like he was a sleeping newborn. So I looked at his picture on your, um, Instagram.
00:15:53
Speaker
before I came on because I was like, and I said, I was showing Nicole because she's like, I don't know how many weeks she was. I said, he looks full term to me. He looks, so his blanket has his name on it. Did you have a girl blanket also with you? Okay. Yeah. Cause we weren't finding out and like the blankets on like, I'm just getting both. So we did literally his little checkered with a blue blanket. And then we have our
00:16:18
Speaker
girl name blanket still with a little leopard onesie for if we ever need it. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure we'll use the same if it's, if we have a girl on baby two, whenever that time comes, but yeah, yeah, we have both of them. So, and we were lucky that, I mean, we just had a, again, you like laugh at it as a lost parent, but we had a great hospital experience.
00:16:40
Speaker
Yeah, we assumed was the norm originally. We were like, of course we have like the Ritz experience, the worst thing just happened. Of course they're going to treat us like royalty, but then I met other lost moms and that is not the case.
00:16:56
Speaker
So I really, yeah, we, lost moms are different the way that the things I'm going to say are like, shut up. Your baby is not here. Everything sucks. But even in the moment, I'm like, Oh, Lucas gave us such a good hospital experience so that we can make sure every lost parent gets to this because it was, they treated Lucas like he was a living baby from the second he came out.
00:17:21
Speaker
They asked like, hey, what do you think you want to do after you deliver? Do you want to hold them? Do you want to bathe them? Do you want us to give them a bath? Would you like them enclosed? Would you like to see? They gave us all the options. And thank God for Nick. We were in two different
00:17:40
Speaker
universes at that point. I forgot about this. When they told us that the baby was gone, I was like, okay, can you slice me open and send me home? I'll do home care. Just take this thing out. And I regret it now, obviously, but just take this thing out of me and send me home. And then my OB knows me very well. And she was like, I think you can do this. If not, you know, it's up to you mentally, it's up to you. But
00:18:08
Speaker
physically your baby's in position, you have wanted a vaginal delivery if possible, and I think it'll really help you mentally. You won't be able to go for your walks, you won't
00:18:19
Speaker
do a lot of things if you go the surgical route. We can do it. It's 100% an option. I just want you to think about it.
Amber's Support System
00:18:28
Speaker
Nick's eyes were like, when I was like, just get this thing out of me and send me home, which now looking back, I'm so grateful that we were so different because we have
00:18:37
Speaker
be able to
00:18:38
Speaker
100 plus photos. I went probably hundreds of photos. We have everything. So I got to do a full vaginal delivery. It was great. I would do it again. I did the epidural.
00:18:53
Speaker
10 out of 10 would recommend. And even, it's so silly, but since I did do the hope no birthing, we had like the affirmations and I didn't know how to get through labor. This is my first time. And I'm like, the only tools I have are these affirmations, the toilet, all these like cool, fun things. So I have
00:19:12
Speaker
the irony I have these damn affirmations on sitting on the toilet laboring and I'm like any affirmation that came on I'm like does not apply it's all I knew it was like the how I got to my breathing it's what I did. Did your doula um stay with you guys for your breath?
00:19:31
Speaker
No, she asked if I wanted her to come and I was just like, I didn't know what he was going to look like. No, I didn't know. I'm her only, and she's now shared this with me, I'm her only sober patient and she has been to Lucas's funeral.
00:19:48
Speaker
She came, we had a fundraiser for Lucas and she came with her whole family. She checks in all the time. She refunded us every penny back, like just so blessed. And I'm hoping that, you know, I feel like it's a good fit if we decide to have a baby again, like I still would just want her to.
00:20:06
Speaker
also be a part of having a living baby, but she has been amazing. I was so happy to have her, but when I called, I let her know what happened. I said, I'm turning my phone off. As soon as we got the news, I turned my phone off. I deactivated Instagram because at that point I had everyone being like, where's that baby? And I was like, I didn't respond. I probably didn't. But, you know, I opened my message and I had like 20 some messages and I'm like, absolutely not doing this for the next few days.
00:20:35
Speaker
So I deactivated Instagram and then my best friends knew something was up because I'm annoying on Instagram. So they're like, Hey, Nick, what's going on? At some point I told two of them. I don't even remember how everyone found out. And then I think it was after Lucas was born, Nick called his parents. My parents aren't in a picture. So that was fine, but we live on the same street as our Nick's parents. And so they would have seen our car, not in the driveway. Yeah. I think when he called, it was, you know,
00:21:05
Speaker
Oh, are you having the baby? And I don't even know if I, I don't remember if I was in the room, if he was in the room, but he took care of everything. I couldn't, I had to, you know, deliver a sleeping baby, which still blows my mind that that's a capability that anyone can do.
00:21:22
Speaker
Yeah. It's really nice that they did, you know, your OB explain the options of what it would look like for your recovery because a lot of people, that's a reaction that I hear probably like 95% of the time. They just give me a C-section. I can't labor. And most doctors won't do a C-section because it is a major surgery. But at least I feel like in this, in this case, when you have a mom whose baby passed away, it's their choice. It's your body. It's your choice. If you want to have a
00:21:49
Speaker
c-section but it's nice that your doctor explained everything to you. Yeah I was so grateful because that's all I did in the beginning. I didn't know what to do so I was like and it was April it was the perfect time but it's kind of like you know a mind f because I'm going on these walks that I went on when I was pregnant and I thought I was going to go on with a stroller and instead I'm in a diaper still but like empty-handed it was just
00:22:16
Speaker
I don't know, life, I mean, still moments in life don't make sense, but like, man, those first few weeks are, you think they're the worst. And then weeks like 10 through 12, when the shock wears off, like, are the worst.
00:22:30
Speaker
Someone told me that when I was first in it, I met a lost mom. People connected me, you know, someone I know and someone I know. I was so blessed with so many different connections to lost support groups, but I met a friend now, a friend, lifelong friend. And she was like, I know it sucks so bad. And like, I think I was just looking for hope or
Impact on Relationships
00:22:51
Speaker
something. Like, please tell me this gets better. And she was like,
00:22:54
Speaker
I can't tell you that yet." And I'm like, wait, what? It's leaving me here. And she was like, it will eventually get better. She was, I think maybe 18 months out from her loss at that point. She was like, it does. I promise eventually, but like, I don't know how to tell you this, but it gets a little bit worse. And I'm like, there's no way. I don't know how to like share this with the listeners, but it gets, I don't want to say worse, but it gets real. I think those first,
00:23:22
Speaker
eight to 12, 10 to 12 weeks, it's just pure shock to survive. And then it hits you and you're like, oh my God, this really happened. Like it's not some poor girl. It happened to me. And then even after that, once like the shock were off, I was like, okay, so now I'm in this really have to be in this. And then I think even like five, six months, there was like another shift where I'm like, Oh my God, this doesn't go away. Like it's never going to change. And being a hairstylist,
00:23:52
Speaker
love your clients, but it sucks because people are just always gonna ask the questions of people, new clients who maybe didn't know, they'll talk about their kids. I'm like, oh my gosh, do you have any kids? And I'm like, it took me a second to figure out how to answer that. The first time it really got punched me, I was blessed where a lot of my clients came to Lucas's funeral.
00:24:19
Speaker
like a lot. I was pregnant with a lot of them so that was you know a thing my clients I'm really close with so like they were sharing their motherhood experiences just to have that relatability in like a women-based group knowing that I don't have
00:24:38
Speaker
like the mom to bug and ask all the questions. Like I joke with all my clients like, you're all my big sisters, my sisters, my family. So there was just like a very strong connection there. But the very first time I went into, I worked in a sweet setting for a while. And then after Lucas passed, it just wasn't a good, I couldn't do it by myself anymore. I needed a support system. So now I'm in a two person salon. But I went in and a woman was, I worked until 38 weeks. So like there was no hiding my pregnancy.
00:25:08
Speaker
I was always legs up in the break room chugging water but a woman that like we just saw each other and passing she was like oh my
00:25:17
Speaker
I'm like, no, no, no, no, I'm going to ruin your whole day. Please don't. It's not that I felt uncomfortable, but I'm like, you're going to be really sad if you ask me anything that you're going to ask me. And she did. She was like, you just had a baby, right? And I'm like, mm-hmm. And she was like, oh my god, were they a boy or a girl? And I was like, little boy, oh, what's their name? I'm like, Lucas James. And at this point, I'm like, all right, I'm not lying. I'm honoring my motherhood. We're doing good. Getting off, yeah.
00:25:47
Speaker
And then she hits you with the, how old are they now? And I froze. It was the first time anyone's asked me that. And at this point I was a psychopath and didn't know what to do. So I went back to work at six weeks postpartum. So not my best idea, but here we are. And I was like, oh, we lost them at birth, but thank you so much for asking. Bye. Like no idea what to do.
00:26:15
Speaker
Thankfully, the first client I had that day was a client that was at Lucas's funeral. So I'm like, Amanda, I just need a second. And she's like, are we good? I was like, yeah, someone just asked how old Lucas was. I will be right back one second. And like, oh, I don't know. Breathing exercise came back in. And she was like, I literally don't need my hair done. Are you good? I'm like, no, I need to do this. And she's like, you can make it black if you want. I don't know. I promise. But that was my first lesson in like,
00:26:44
Speaker
navigating my motherhood that's valid, his existence that's valid, and just accepting that it's going to make people uncomfortable. And what does that look like? So after that, I decided I'm going to just now say, oh, I have a son. His name's Lucas. He would be now seven and a half months. But he was born still at 40 weeks gestation. And that's it. That's really good. Yeah. Oh, I practice that.
00:27:14
Speaker
Yeah, because everyone has babies and I'm like, so do I, I just have a babysitter up on the other side all the time. That might be the best answer to that question because we get asked that question a lot from people that are going back to work or going to see people that knew them when they were pregnant, but don't necessarily know the outcome. It took a long time. I'll trademark it for you guys.
00:27:36
Speaker
Yeah, it's not, it just doesn't go away.
Post-Loss Decisions
00:27:40
Speaker
So I think now like seven, seven and a half months out, like that's what's sucking a lot now is just the permanence of the loss. Like it's not, it doesn't change. Like if, when we decide to family plan again, you know, the,
00:27:56
Speaker
Oh, is this your first? I might be like, oh, buckle up, Sally. Yeah. Do you really want to know? Right. Are you having a good day? Do you want it to stay that way? But it doesn't feel right to not talk about my son that existed, and it doesn't feel right to not honor my motherhood. So other people can be uncomfortable if they need to be. Yeah. After you had him, did you make the decisions of like,
00:28:25
Speaker
You're gonna have a funeral, you're gonna cremate. Did you make these decisions in the hospital? How did you make these decisions? Nick, he just was like a superhero, I think. He's a good egg. Oh, he is the best egg. It would have been a whole different experience if it was just like me making all the decisions. I don't know if I would have met him. I don't know. I don't think I would have had photos. It would have been a whole, I don't know.
00:28:54
Speaker
I probably would have acted just like full flight response, acted like it didn't happen. Whoops, I guess that like, whoops, and that's it? I don't know. I couldn't wrap my head around it, and no one can. But I don't know how the partners do it, because they asked about an autopsy. And at that point, they had originally a doctor said the cause of death was a placental eruption, which made sense at first, but then I didn't bleed out. There was no blood.
00:29:23
Speaker
gonna say were you bleeding? No, no, it was literally just decreased fetal movement. No cramping, no, nothing. So I was like, I don't know. So then their assumption was like, there was a pool, he was so big that like maybe the placental abruption pooled. And that's why I didn't bleed out. That was the first thought. So at that time, we were like, we don't need an autopsy, nothing's wrong. It's just my body
00:29:46
Speaker
At that time, I was like, my body just failed, so that sucks. But then, yeah, I don't know how we made the decisions. We were raised Catholic, so we just did the standard viewing, funeral, Mass. When it came to the cremation or burial, I've never seen a cremated, I've never seen ashes. Everyone that I know is buried, but I don't know where, and I'm glad,
00:30:13
Speaker
I don't know where we got the idea that we just wanted to bring him home somehow. I think it had to be Nick because I don't remember making a single decision. We decided to get him cremated and then we were nervous because like how much ashes does a baby make? It's not like a person. Do we split them? Is there enough where we can bury some and keep some? I didn't know. I've never seen a baby's casket. I've never seen a baby's ashes.
00:30:42
Speaker
There are things that no one should ever see, let alone for their own kid. So I'm not sure. I think it was just autopilot. Since we were raised that way, that was like we did very traditional two hour viewing Sunday night, an hour Monday, and then mass. And then we had a luncheon after. Because that's just what you do. So that's what we did. It's not like you had time to plan for this. No. And we were so.
00:31:12
Speaker
Again, I used the word lucky a lot, but I don't really know why. Our pastor from our parish where we live knows of like Nick's family. We just were friends with them, I guess, not me, but the family. And I called the church because I know that sometimes stillbirths don't go as well with the church. So I'm like,
00:31:37
Speaker
Let me call in case they don't do a funeral just because if a baby never takes a breath, they can't receive a sacrament because sacraments are for the living. Okay. I knew all this and some people align with it. Some people don't, I didn't carry the right. I'm just like, well, then give me another option. I don't know what to do. This is all I know. So we were really lucky. Everything was
Unexpected Support
00:31:58
Speaker
great. They didn't, our priest didn't say any of the wrong things. He was so sad, so empathetic. He just like talked about how great of parents we were.
00:32:07
Speaker
It was just like such a good, like we got messages the next day. Like that was one of the most moving funerals I've ever been to. So we, yeah, I don't know how all these decisions came to be, but they did. And we did not do an autopsy for, in our case, I didn't think we needed one. Yeah. So. Was there anything obvious like when he was born?
00:32:28
Speaker
nada they ran blood tests on me blood tests on him and they did placental slides where they could not find signs of an abruption anywhere so now the cause of death they've changed to fetal maternal hemorrhage which happens quote unquote for no reason and is less than one percent chance um the other placenta was fine they really couldn't find anything wrong at all
00:32:57
Speaker
I'm trying to think the other factor that they, it didn't come into play. I was RH negative. So at that point, since Lucas's blood had crossed into my blood, I had to get like seven doses of bro game. Oh my gosh. And they were like strategically like. Manipulated doses, but that was kind of quote unquote nice because I had to get seven doses every five hours. So it gave us 36 full hours with Lucas.
00:33:25
Speaker
I was going to ask you that if you kept them in your room and everything. That's nice. Yeah. I just wish that every family had the same experience. Every nurse acknowledged him and that I'll never forget that. I was just nervous. I didn't know what to do. Then the reality of it all
00:33:43
Speaker
Like my logical brain wouldn't let go where I'm like, you're hanging out in a room with a dead baby. What is wrong with you? We're reading books to him. I'm cuddling him. I'm singing songs to him. Like we also had a bereavement counselor come in, which was a game changer because we were just gonna sit in that room for two days alone. And our counselor offered the idea of like having people come meet him. And I'm like, lady, do you know how sad this is? No one's gonna wanna come.
00:34:12
Speaker
lies. Everybody was so excited when we asked them to come. Nick's parents were the first ones to come in. They're the only grandparents that we have. And they were so excited, obviously. So that was like
00:34:28
Speaker
You know, as a loss, any lost moms listening, like the guilt of supposed to be like giving this happy thing is now like the saddest thing. So then again, our hospital was great. They gave us a separate room. So like we could be in my regular room with like all my diapers and my ice packs and.
00:34:48
Speaker
Then there was a separate room where we could pull Lucas in so that this way people had a second. They weren't just walking into my space. And that was the best and worst day ever, watching his parents meet Lucas in that way. But same thing, we have videos of Nick's mom reading to Lucas.
00:35:07
Speaker
like his dad holding him and being like, Hey, little buddy, it's granddad. Everyone just treated Lucas like he was alive. And it was really hard in the moment for me to wrap my head around. I'm like, we're all mental, like this isn't okay. And now I look back and I'm like, thank God that happened. My girlfriends came, they all came in a group. So it felt like
00:35:29
Speaker
normal you know they came they brought me a few steaks they're like telling me how cute he is one of my best friends was 36 weeks pregnant and I told her not to come so I lied I'm like yeah we can't have visitors oh and in the middle of all this
00:35:43
Speaker
COVID went away. So Lucas died and I was in a mask and everyone was in a mask. And then all of a sudden COVID got lifted and everyone's coming in my room with no masks and anyone, I'm like, what's happening? Hospital rules changed.
00:35:58
Speaker
Yes. So anyone, I mean, we also had different circumstances. Anyone could come in. So yeah, my best friend came in 36 weeks pregnant. And I'm just like, what are you doing? This is not nice to do to yourself. But and everyone held him, which was like, so gut wrenching. We realized
00:36:17
Speaker
if we held him like a normal baby he kind of got a little like liquid and fluids would happen so we kept him on a pillow and just like passed him on the pillow like no one took photos with him i don't think anyone wanted to ask and i didn't want to ask because i was like yeah you want to take a picture of my sleeping baby like
00:36:36
Speaker
It still was just not real to me. And then we would talk about it like he was alive. Like my family and I, we do cute aggression. So we would be like, he's so cute. I just want to like punch him in the face. We were still saying that.
00:36:52
Speaker
So yeah, it was, I don't know, everyone just treated him like he was real because he was. And that's my biggest, I don't know if mission's the right word, but like, I just want anyone to know that like, that's how to honor lost babies. Say their names, talk about them. People would say his name to me and it would like,
00:37:12
Speaker
light me up and I was like, that's all people have to do. Nothing got more pissed than when people would be like, you know, like since the situation, I'm like, situation, I grew a whole ass human and delivered him and his name's Lucas and he's cuter than your living kid. So it was hilarious. So was there anybody that showed up for you in terms of support that you did not expect maybe? Yeah. I mean, the way that I'm lucky is really funny to others, but to me,
00:37:42
Speaker
My chosen family has been like the same consistent group for so long. One of my aunts is who I'm closest to. She was there, no questions asked, and that was great. My same five girlfriends that I've had since I was super young, they all came, no questions asked. My cousins and I, there's a few girl cousins and I that are super close. I mean, everyone who
00:38:07
Speaker
mentally could handle it and like were close enough came but I think there were again so many of us that were pregnant at the same time like it really hit so much harder and Nick also had three of his best guy friends pregnant at the same time well one two we were the third one of them had a baby boy a month before us at the same hospital one of them had a baby boy a month after us give or take
00:38:37
Speaker
same house so and now another friend is having a boy hopefully in a few months this two weeks they're doing like our wedding but his friends came like guys men came to the hospital and met the baby
00:38:52
Speaker
And I was shocked. I just think people who have kids got it more than people who didn't. Absolutely. Yeah, I do. I have a good support system. It's definitely chosen and like mismatched, but yeah, I was very lucky to still have.
Finding Positivity and Control
00:39:09
Speaker
The people I expected showed up and then since the loss, I've gotten closer with some friends and other friends aren't there as much. There's just been shifts. I'm sure everyone listening can relate. There's been shifts in relationships, but everyone's just doing what they can. There's not many, a few, but there's not many people I hold at a fault.
00:39:31
Speaker
She is lucky. I know why you say that because you hear the stories of people whose situations, their birth, everything didn't go the way that yours went. So yeah, as much as you can be lucky, it's great that you have all of these positive experiences surrounding his birth and his life.
00:39:48
Speaker
Yeah, or at least just a positive outlook. Yeah, she does. Yeah, that's, I said to Nicole when I saw your picture on, I think it was your picture on your Instagram, I said, she looks like she's like, has a lot of energy. She just looks like a happy person. You do. Yeah, I mean, I'm very lucky.
00:40:08
Speaker
I don't know I think like when you get handed shit like you just I don't know you can't change like what happens to you obviously even like you know lifestyle like nothing all these shitty things that have happened to me like none of them are my fault I didn't ask my parents to be addicts I didn't ask for my grandmom to die
00:40:27
Speaker
a less than a year before my son died, the last time I saw my best friend who died on Mother's Day was at Lucas's funeral. There's just a shit storm. And I don't know, I guess if I just focus on it being what it is, I'd be with the rest of them on the other side. And it's just not
00:40:47
Speaker
not it. Like another one of my aunts, she now lost her second son but she lost an adult son and she's someone who like I didn't, I don't know why it didn't connect to me I guess because her son was older when she lost him but she was someone to your point who like surprised me and then her second son just passed a few weeks ago and like that can you just don't have a connection like that with anyone else and I think about it sometimes and I'm like all of us
00:41:16
Speaker
could give up very easily that would be the easiest way out but another lost mom shared this with me early on and it stuck like she wants to give her son a mother to be proud of and anytime I'm just like I simply cannot do this anymore I'm like
00:41:32
Speaker
No, Lucas deserves more than that. He deserves a mom who can get out of bed. And not to say that I didn't. There was some really, to be perfectly honest, and I hope this can relate to someone so that they know they're not alone. There was a really dark moment.
00:41:49
Speaker
moments where I was, you know, the doctor gives you Ativan because the worst thing in the world just happened. And then I was like, Oh, I don't take benzos. Like I'm not, I don't do, Nope, not into it. Well, when you're really sad and it literally feels like you're dying inside, you're like, fine, I'll try anything to make this pain go away. And there was like a week that was just dark and I was taking the Ativan and then I was taking a little more and then I would have a glass of wine and I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is so great. Like there's an off button.
00:42:19
Speaker
and i told nick i was like nick i had a really bad day and that was i was in the nursery laying there hugging his ashes with a beer can next to me and nick was just like this is not good and ever since then i was like this isn't me i don't deserve this lucas doesn't deserve this i know more than that
00:42:39
Speaker
I went into therapy, I told my therapist right away, and she was like, okay, so we're done? I'm like, yep. I just could have gone so much worse. A, I think the over prescription of medication is such an issue. There's no guidance. I still, the amount of Ativan that I was given
00:42:54
Speaker
terrible and there's like it just could have gotten so bad without the awareness if I wasn't in therapy for years before this like so I get when people are in trauma like this like you just when you find an off button for the worst pain in the world like I get how it can get dark and I just would offer the idea to anyone listening like you are so much more than that
00:43:19
Speaker
And it doesn't go away. It's just making everything worse. So I was so grateful to have a partner that I could be open with, thankful that we could swing. I don't want to say afford therapy because it's so expensive. But we swung therapy to make it
Returning to Work
00:43:38
Speaker
work. I wouldn't have made it without
00:43:40
Speaker
the good coping tools, but even with all that good stuff, I'm like, damn, how did I still, knowing better, never doing a drug in my life, when you're like, you know what, the doctor gave me this and this is literally the probable worst thing ever. It's easy. And I just, A, if it's happening to someone else, like I get it, I see you, it makes sense. But B, you deserve so much more than that. Your kid deserves more than that. There are
00:44:08
Speaker
support systems and resources to get you out of that space if you find yourself there. Although it totally makes sense why we could get there. Yeah. What other tools besides therapy did you use to help cope with your grief?
00:44:24
Speaker
good ones or bad ones? I mean, be honest, seriously. I mean, what I just shared, I hope it just gets to the right people because I've seen people get in the messiness of it and I do truly believe you can get out of it. I mean, I, for better or worse, dove back into work.
00:44:47
Speaker
Now I'm trying to like reevaluate it. I don't have the same capacity. I've never been someone to call out of work. I worked at a salon for five years and I called out one single time in five years.
00:44:58
Speaker
Now I take mental health days more than I would care to admit. So I don't know what my hair career will look like or how to pivot that, but I just don't have the same capacity I did before. So I like myself and other work. And we were dog sitting cause it got me out of the house and it made money and dogs don't talk and they don't look at you when you're crying. Like I just threw myself, I, we built.
Creating Community Support
00:45:25
Speaker
Garden for Lucas. Oh, we had a fundraiser for Lucas. I was two months postpartum So still not even sure where I was and we planned it for Lucas's what would be four month birthday we had a fundraiser for For the organizations that supported us like so so much after our loss Aubrey's advocate Noelle's light
00:45:49
Speaker
three little birds and Adeline Rose Foundation. We had, it was like a workout and we had food and drinks and games and raffles. And I felt like a lot of my energy went into that and couples therapy.
00:46:02
Speaker
I don't know if Nick's going to want everyone to know, but man, the partnership, it's a shift. I mean, you're going through the same loss, but it's so different from the birthing person to the birthing partner. It's so different.
00:46:21
Speaker
unequal, like, but it's not. But you feel like they're not in the same place. They're not. I don't know. In my experience, my partner definitely didn't show his emotions the way I did or want to participate like going to the grave every day, which like I was all about. Yeah, it just felt unequal. It did. And then I think, I don't know what point it was, but I and
00:46:45
Speaker
I've been a therapy person for a while. I have obviously a lot of stuff that I worked through, but I knew Nick wasn't. I always honored that. I'm like, oh, it's not his thing. He works through things differently. But at some point, I was just like, I don't care if you sit there. I just need you to come with me because this is either going to make us inseparable or we're going to hate each other forever. And I was like, I just need you there. And he was like, OK. And I think it took a few sessions for us to find a groove.
00:47:15
Speaker
In those sessions, it just gave both of us perspective because I felt the same way as you, Nicole, where I'm like, do you even care? Are you sad? How messed up is that to say to a father who just lost his son? Of course he's sad. But to me, I was inconsolable and a ball on the couch, and I needed a babysitter for myself any time I was alone. Because if you left me alone for five seconds, I was Googling what I did to make this happen.
00:47:43
Speaker
can running cause a fetal maternal hemorrhage, can working too long, standing like anything under the sun, I just would go on a spiral if I was alone. Right. And Nick was just back to work. And I was like,
00:47:57
Speaker
okay like what so in therapy it was like nice to have a translator i called her be like no he just went into protector mode like he went into full masculine energy like she's not okay so i have to definitely be okay and i have to provide and i have to make it better and like you know just leaned into that role but i didn't see it that way i was like
00:48:20
Speaker
Hello cry with me right and from his point of view is like I can't be as quote-unquote bad It's not bad, but like I can't be where you're at because I'm we're both there And there was a shift like when I started to have more good days you would like Nick would get you know feel things a little more were you know, it was just different for him and
00:48:43
Speaker
once he saw like all right she's trying to figure it out like she's okay some days more than others but without that like middle person just to translate for us where I mean I pushed through other things like my mom died and I was back to work two weeks later and all these other things so like that's the standard and I think it was like scary maybe for him to be like damn she really just
00:49:09
Speaker
isn't good like what do I do yeah yeah so I had to be like a baby a person just exited my body they're not in my arms the boobs can we talk about the milk because there's nothing meaner I was like there's no way I'm walking around without my kid with cabbage on my boobs this can't be real life
00:49:28
Speaker
at my daughter's funeral I was like hugging everyone because you know you everyone wants to hug you you're at the front like standing and milk I was like what's happening because of the hugs it stimulated milk to come out so like my shirt is black shirt is soaked I'm like oh my god this is unreal but yeah I'll never forget that ever and I was at I well I couldn't wear a diaper because you could see it in my dress but then I'm like alright I guess I'll wear a pat we got
00:49:56
Speaker
Lucky we waited. We waited. I don't know. I think the irony was I didn't even know this day existed. Now I do. Lucas's viewing was on bereaved Mother's Day.
00:50:11
Speaker
Uh, so that's funny. I can't, whatever the word is. I'm like, what, what do you mean bereaved Miller's day? What is this? Yeah. Right. But yeah, so we had like enough. I was, my milk supply was dried up by that. My aunt was great and brought me in cabbage like right away. Um, my friend brought me Sudafed and like, she was someone who decided not to breastfeed after she had her baby. So she had some tools to dry her supply up. I'm like, I don't know, whatever.
00:50:37
Speaker
I didn't think it was gonna be that bad and then I remember being I remember after I came home from the hospital like Screaming in the bathroom because I'm like my boobs are in so much pain I'm wiping myself like so carefully because I only you know barely tore but like you're still not well down there Yeah, it's like yeah, and I remember being like how this is like screaming literally in the bathroom like how is this fair and
00:51:04
Speaker
Unwell. Yeah. What I wanted to ask you was that if a mom is listening that just had a loss or recently had a loss, do you have any advice that you would give her that helped you? Just hold on. I know I just said minutes ago that it gets worse before it gets better, but I hate it when people said it to me, but it does get more manageable. You find ways to live for them.
00:51:34
Speaker
You're not in it as much, but you find ways to just live your life for them. And I just get emotional because there are days that I just hated that beginning so much because I really thought it was so bad. And then it got worse. And I'll never forget that first time I laughed
00:51:55
Speaker
or like someone asked how I was and for the first while I'd be like, I'm okay, I'm okay. And one day someone asked how I was and it just came out and I was like, I'm good, how are you? And I like caught myself. I remember being so guilty, like how can you feel good? Your son's not here, but that's what our babies want. Our babies want us to live for them and they want us to live
00:52:17
Speaker
a full life and they want us to laugh again and love again. And if it's your journey, they want us to have a family and talk about them. I guess I would just tell people to not politely fuck other people. You have to just honor your baby in ways that feel good for you and people are going to let you down and that many more people are going to show up for you.
00:52:42
Speaker
I would just tell any lost mom, just hold on.
Looking Toward the Future
00:52:45
Speaker
I don't know what you have to do to do that, but you have to because like our babies deserve mothers who are living a full life for them. Thank you. I love that.
00:52:58
Speaker
Yeah. How have you integrated grief into your work and do you have any upcoming events? So in January, we're actually some friends and I are hosting a wellness event. It's for basically hormone health after all the medication and stuff with Lucas, whether it was antidepressants or
00:53:18
Speaker
Anything else I wanted to try and take a little bit of control back. So I really leaned into more hormone friendly movement foods that were supportive to my hormones and More cortisol friendly workouts. I was always an intense like CrossFit weightlifting and it just did not feel good anymore like I
00:53:42
Speaker
more emotionally than physically. So hosting an event with a really powerhouse board of women to talk about hormone health. There's a Pilates flow. And I've just really used my grief to just sit with what this new version of me is going to look like. I don't know where it's going to land with
00:54:05
Speaker
anything right now, but it was nice to have some time to just sit and bring wellness into a community aspect, make it more accessible for people, make it less intimidating because you're doing it in a group setting with friends. For now, that's what we're doing. I'm going to try and do event coordinating for wellness events to make it accessible for people who may not be able to swing it otherwise.
00:54:33
Speaker
So where's this event going to be and when is it? So on January 21st will be at Tara Giorgio space. It's a creative space on Westerard Avenue in Northern Liberty's area of Philadelphia. And we have Dr. Stefania Inklingo there. She's a hormone specialist. Carly Foglia is our registered dietician who's bringing food for the day.
00:54:56
Speaker
And Allie Bradley is the owner of Sanctuary Wellness Studio. She'll be doing a cortisol-friendly Pilates flow. And Tyra Space is so beautiful. She uses it mostly for her brow bar, but has opened it up for creatives and wellness people to just come and create community together. So I'm really excited. If anyone's interested, we'll leave some information here for you. Yeah. Is there a cost associated with it?
00:55:22
Speaker
Yeah, so it's 175 for the whole event. The nutrition aspect is probably your biggest value there. It's over an hour of information with hormone nutrition with Dr. Seth, and then you're also getting that Pilates flow and the food. You're going to take home meal. I don't know if I'm supposed to tell, but I'm too excited. Oh, well. That's awesome. Oh my gosh, Carly created these
00:55:48
Speaker
Hello Fresh inspired meals and they're all like protein fat fiber, which is the key to healthy hormones and oh, I'm so excited. So yeah, it's 175 to come for, it's a two and a half hour event, three hours. I'd be lying, but all the information's on the website.
00:56:05
Speaker
Are you targeting just women in general, women of childbearing years, women with fertility issues? Kind of. So this event specifically is for just women in general who are feeling in a funk, like can't lose weight. They've done the calorie in, calorie out. Like a lot of times it's insulin resistance. And the only way to work with that is through, you know, different foods. But I can give you guys the information Allie Bradley is hosting.
00:56:32
Speaker
a more in-depth fertility, like hormone fertility event with Pirell, I think is the brand. I'll send you guys that. Yes. I'll send you that information because that is specifically for women who are in a fertility journey. That's nice. Awesome. Yeah. So I don't know what I'm doing with anything, but I cannot
00:56:54
Speaker
I don't know where my capacity behind the chair is anymore. So that's probably why I'm diving into 35 things. Cause I'm like, all right, well, what's what makes sense for me in this season of life? And yeah, so for now it's a, I've always had a really big calling to just create community and bring just access to.
00:57:14
Speaker
these kind of things like whether it's therapy or wellness or anything else because I know how important it is to like I'll Reallocate my finances to make it work, but not everyone sees that so my hope is that if I can provide it at an Accessible rate people might see that like okay. This is worth investing in let me see where I can make changes and if not at least I got to experience it at a community scale and You know, we'll see where it lands me
00:57:42
Speaker
I'm going to tell you just from being apart. I don't even know how to put that. Well, I'll put it in Nicole. So when Nicole lost her baby, if you listen to her story, she was you were 19. You I don't think you had plans to be a nurse, right, Nicole? I was in school. I wasn't really sure what I was going to end up doing. Yeah.
00:58:01
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So like if you look at where you are today and you turn around and look at it, like you would never think that you'd be where you are or I would never think that I would be here. Um, Amber, I've never lost a baby. I've never lost a pregnancy. I would never think that I would be in this space for as many years as I've been in it. Just crazy. So where you're going to go, it's going to blow your mind. I already, I can already tell like it's going to be something that you wouldn't have predicted, but it's going to be amazing and change your life. Um, and again, I don't know what that is, but I can't wait to see what it turns into.
00:58:31
Speaker
Oh, thank you. Yeah, it will. It's just, yeah, you don't ever know.
Wedding Plans and Honoring Lucas
00:58:36
Speaker
I mean, oh, this is totally forgot to put this in. The irony of us getting married in like 10 days, we literally picked up Lucas's ashes on a Tuesday and went to a look at our wedding venue that
00:58:50
Speaker
Friday and booked it like two weeks later. We had no plans to get married this year. We called after Lucas passed our original. Well, for first I was like, I can never get pregnant again. We're just going to be like the cool aunt and uncle that traveled the world. And then in the same breath, I was like, I need a living baby tomorrow. Um, so we were like, let's get married. We were already engaged. Nick did a really good proposal. We thought we were taking like announcement photos. We went on vacation in Paris.
00:59:20
Speaker
And he really like did a good job. And I thought we were just taking like the little ultrasound pictures and he proposed. So we have like in front of Eiffel tower, like he really just made it very hard to say no. It was so good. So like Lucas was there for that moment, which is very special to us now. So then after we lost Lucas at some point I was crazy and was like, we need to have a baby right now. And.
00:59:50
Speaker
So we were like, all right, we'll get married in spring of 24. So we called a few venues like, hey, do you have availability? Right after his funeral, like crazy people. And our venue was like, I know this is crazy. I was like, you have no idea. They were like, we had a cancellation Saturday, December 16, if that's up your alley. And I'm like, well, that means we could try and get pregnant even sooner than the spring. And it felt like the right amount of time where I'm like,
01:00:19
Speaker
In that moment, I'm like, I can't imagine being pregnant again. But I was like, all right, six, seven, eight months, like babies take a really long time to cook. Let's just do December. And we went up, we did a tasting, we booked it. So like within six months, we planned a wedding and we will be married and like, I don't know when this is airing, but we might be married by the time it airs.
01:00:41
Speaker
That's so exciting. That's where you're going to come crash. I'll be peeking in the windows. I'll send you an invite. To your point, there are so many things like we would not be getting married this year just financially. This is not how we thought the year was going to look and yet what a way to end it. I'm so excited because I'll finally get Lucas's last name. Lucas has Nick's last name.
01:01:11
Speaker
Aww. Yeah. Are you going to carry something of his, of Lucas's with you? So I actually just, I got Lucas's ashes in a ring from honoring motherhood. So it just came in Saturday and I'm still, it's beautiful. I love it. I just, sometimes I'm like, really? This is all I get. You know? Yeah. It's that bittersweet thing. That's so neat. Aww. Yeah. I don't think I saw one of those in person. I've seen the breast milk one.
01:01:41
Speaker
Oh, wow. That's beautiful. Kind of anxious and opal for my mom because she was an October baby. Were you nervous about sending the ashes or just because it was a little bit of them? It wasn't? Yes. Well, that like trying to send them to is also like another breakdown moment because I tried to treat it like it was like a to-do list. I'm like, yeah. All right, like make breakfast, go to the store, scoop my kids ashes, mail them out, like as if it was normal. And I physically couldn't. I was like, I dropped to the floor. I had like a full
01:02:11
Speaker
little mental breakdown and luckily our funeral home had let us know like ashes are really temperamental if you ever need them just bring them to us so I called the funeral home I was like hey I have to mail out and like how messed up I was gonna scoop the ashes and put them in a breast milk bag and they were like let's not we can scoop them they like put it in the heat sealed bag they put it in a box there's lots of rules when you ship ashes they like his name his number
01:02:39
Speaker
They have to know exactly who and what's in the content. So yeah, we were lucky that it was only a tablespoon and she sent back what she didn't use. That's great. It was great. Yes, I was tracking. I'm like, where is my kid? Because you get a tracking number. It's a whole thing. But I'm like, what if they lose it?
01:02:58
Speaker
legit as if there was a person traveling in the bag. Like they treat me like that. But I like that. Me too. Because I love- It's like they get special delivery. Yeah. Yeah. They get special treatment then. Literally. And we have a photo of like me with a spoon because I'm like, yeah, just the irony. Like I always wonder like if I ever decide to write a book or whatever, I'm like, the things that like there's like journal entries where I'm like the irony of getting ready for your son's funeral in his nursery. Like I remember like putting my makeup on just that my dog was in the one room, Nick was getting ready. And I'm like,
01:03:27
Speaker
doing my makeup, and I was like, I'm literally putting makeup on for my son's funeral in my son's nursery. So it's just the things that are ironic. I don't even know if that's like messed up. It's just rude is what it is. Well, thank you for sharing your story with us tonight. Yeah. Thank you guys for having me. Of course. Oh my gosh. It was an honor. Thank you. Yeah, I'll be excited to touch base who knows the next chapter.
01:03:54
Speaker
Yeah. Amber, thank you so much for being here and sharing the story of Lucas with us. If you want to send some love to Amber and her family, email us at storytelleratheblindsided.com. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next episode.
Conclusion and Contact Information
01:04:08
Speaker
Thank you so much for tuning into the latest episode of the blindsided podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at Nicole with the blindsided.com or Desiree at the blindsided.com.
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Speaker
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01:04:45
Speaker
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