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Sweet Madelynn
136 Plays1 year ago
Mom, Tina Rouh, tells the story of her sweet daughter Madelynn. Maddie, as many now call her, was born in December of 2019 and tragically passed away a few short days later at home due to SUIDS.
Her family is always sure to include her in everything they do, and they have spent countless hours doing charity work in her honor. They work closely with The Unforgotten Haven in Blackwood, NJ. Tina has also donated her time the TEARS Foundation and helps to organize the New Jersey chapters Rock and Walk. In 2021, Tina and her family raised funds to donate a Cuddle Cot to a local South Jersey hospital, so that families who lose their babies are able to spend as much time with them as they want.
Thank you Tina, for sharing Madelynn's story with our listeners!
If you would like to contact Tina, or perhaps share your own story on our podcast, please email us at storyteller@theblindsided.com
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Transcript
Introduction to Blindsided Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree. We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies.
00:00:23
Speaker
We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast.
Tina's Story of Loss
00:00:43
Speaker
Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast, where your hosts, Nicole and Desiree.
00:00:48
Speaker
Hello. Hi, everyone. Happy New Year. Today we're here with Tina, a lost mom who is local to us here in South Jersey. She's going to share the story of her daughter Madeline with us. Can you tell our listeners a little bit about yourself? My name is Tina Roo. I live in Mantua, New Jersey. I'm married. My husband, Joe, and then I have three children. Jenna is 22. Madeline is my daughter that passed away in 2019. And my son Hudson is two and a half.
00:01:18
Speaker
And we are expecting a baby girl in May of this year. I'm a nurse and I had my oldest when I was very young, I was 15. So I started this whole journey of motherhood very young, but it's been interesting over the years for her and I to grow up together and experience a lot of things together.
00:01:41
Speaker
You were 15 when you had Jenna or when you were pregnant, like when you got pregnant with her or when you had her? I was 15 when I had her. I turned 16 two months after she was born. That's a lot for a 15 year old. Yes, it was. I was very lucky. My family was very supportive. Um, her biological father was not, but we didn't really need him. We dealt with it ourselves and she's great. She's wonderful. She's, she's doing wonderful. Yeah. His loss.
Pregnancy Journey with Madeline
00:02:06
Speaker
She's beautiful. She is beautiful. She is. She is beautiful. I'm biased though.
00:02:11
Speaker
Can you tell us about your pregnancy journey with Madeline? So my husband and I got married in 2017 and we immediately started trying to have a baby and it wasn't happening. So we went to South Jersey Fertility Center and we went through the testing for infertility.
00:02:30
Speaker
And we had what they call secondary unexplained secondary infertility. They really couldn't tell us why we couldn't get pregnant. They just didn't know. We did four rounds of IUI and were not successful. We did our first round of in vitro. We got one embryo transferred that one and that one did not work. Um, so we went back to the drawing board. We did a second egg retrieval and we did a frozen embryo transfer and we.
00:03:01
Speaker
That time we got pregnant with Madeline. In April of 2019, we got pregnant with Madeline. It was a difficult pregnancy. I was 33 and within weeks of getting pregnant, I was already swollen. Feet, legs, everything just swollen. I was miserable. And I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 28 weeks. I started having more testing. She was measuring very big. They started me on insulin after some time.
00:03:30
Speaker
And then at 38 weeks, they decided that it was time for her to be born because she was just too big and I had too much fluid and just everything was not looking great. So they wanted her to be born. She was breach.
00:03:43
Speaker
I opted not to try to turn her because I don't like that. I think it's just, it's just scary. It's very scary. Of course, read all about it. And it's more of a risk if you have gestational diabetes because it can cause problems with the placenta. So I said, just do a c-section. I'm fine with it. It is what it is. I had a vaginal delivery with my oldest and I was like, I'm good. Just do a c-section. So she was born at 38 weeks and two days. She was huge. She was nine pounds, eight ounces.
00:04:12
Speaker
She was 21 and a half inches. She was huge. She was a big girl, but she had, you know, full head of dark hair and she was just beautiful and healthy. She did go to the NICU for a
Madeline's Birth and NICU Experience
00:04:23
Speaker
couple of days. She swallowed some fluid when she came out. So they took her to the NICU for a couple of days, but she was born on, she was born on Friday the 13th and she came home on Monday. So it was not, she didn't have like an extended NICU stay, just, you know, the normal couple of days that I was in the hospital after my C-section.
00:04:38
Speaker
Was she in the NICU the entire time that you guys were hospitalized? She was. She was actually discharged from the NICU. Yes. OK. And what month was she born? December 13th. December. OK. She was born on Taylor Swift's 30th birthday. Aww. And we played Taylor Swift in the OR when she was born. Oh, that's so cute. That's pretty cool. Yes. Yes. I'm a Swifty, and we played Taylor Swift. Yes. And she's a Swifty too. Yes. Yeah.
00:05:07
Speaker
When she was in the NICU and you were recovering, did you feel like you got to spend a lot of time with her in the NICU? I did. I was pretty much with her all the time. I was breastfeeding, so I was allowed to hold her every... They were pretty strict about how often we could hold her, but every three hours for her feedings, I was able to go down and hold her and feed her. And then I would pretty much stay in the room with her as long as I could. And then if she went to sleep, I might go back and lay down for a little bit. I didn't get much rest while I was in the hospital with her. I just tried to stay with her as much as I could.
00:05:37
Speaker
And then was your family allowed to visit her like your husband,
Tragedy and Immediate Aftermath
00:05:40
Speaker
Jenna? They were. Yes, we can have my husband with me the whole time. And we could have Jenna was able to yes, we could have at that point, we could have four people in the NICU at a time. Like the day she was the day she was born, I was still kind of recovering. So my husband, Joe was able to take a couple people down at a time to the NICU to see her. And they were able to spend time with her and see her.
00:06:06
Speaker
even though they couldn't hold her. No one was really allowed to hold her until Sunday. Did Joe get to hold her when she was in the NICU? He did. He kind of deferred to me and let me hold her whenever they let us hold her. But towards the end where she was being discharged, then he started to hold her more. Once we were allowed to hold her more, he would take some turns holding her.
00:06:26
Speaker
Nice. Can you tell us how or when Madeline passed away? Madeline was born on Friday the 13th, like I said. She came home from the hospital Monday the 16th. In the afternoon, we came home from the hospital. My family came over to see her. My nieces, they were younger, so they were not allowed to go to the NICU to see her. So they had not gotten to meet her yet. So my sister brought my nieces over and they were able to hold her. My dad and my mom came over and my two sisters came over.
00:06:56
Speaker
What happened was we put Madeleine to bed. I had nursed her. We put her in her bassinet to sleep. The first time she woke up, we got up and we gave her a bottle of pumped milk. My husband changed her diaper. We gave her a bottle of pumped milk. We put her back in the bassinet. The second time she woke up, my husband gave her to me on the bed and I nursed her. I put her next to me on an infant lounger.
00:07:22
Speaker
And I was watching TV. She was awake. I was awake. I, like I said, I was exhausted. I did not get a lot of rest while I was in the hospital with her. And I dozed off. And I woke up probably 10 to 15 minutes later and she wasn't breathing.
00:07:41
Speaker
Um, it was very fast. I, like I said, I am a nurse. I did start CPR, but I knew she was gone. I could just kind of tell she, you know, she had no pulse and she wasn't breathing. I could tell she was gone, but I did try CPR. I, you know, I started it. I did what I could do.
Support System and Grieving Process
00:07:56
Speaker
Um, and then the paramedics, my husband called 911, the paramedics came, uh, they took her to the hospital and they tried that, you know, they did what they could do, but unfortunately she had already passed away. So it was the night from the hospital.
00:08:10
Speaker
I'm so sorry, Tina. It's one thing to like lose your baby, but then to like be there and have to resuscitate your baby as like a whole nother level. Yeah, especially not being able to, but I had to try. Yeah, absolutely. And knowing that I've, you know, I've done it before and I've been able to be successful on other people makes it very difficult. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I don't even have anything to say.
00:08:36
Speaker
Yeah. I know. I know. Like we obviously know the story because I know you, but I just like, so I met Tina. I don't know if you know how I got called. Well, I do know that you asked for someone to come. I asked. So my, unfortunately my best friend lost her son. Um, he was four months old and she lost him due to a congenital heart defect. Um,
00:09:01
Speaker
in 2011. So I knew about now I lay me down to sleep and I knew to ask for these things because I knew that I wasn't going to get these pictures of her. So I asked the nurse in the ER, could they call somebody and bring somebody in and they called Desiree.
00:09:24
Speaker
It was really early in the morning too. God, it was five o'clock in the morning. Yeah. It was really early and it was a brand new hospital. Yeah. It had actually opened that Saturday and then Madeleine passed away on Tuesday. So it was a brand new hospital. I actually worked for the hospital system now.
00:09:41
Speaker
Okay. Yes. So the phone number came up and it was a hospital, but it was said, you know, well, whatever hospital it was, it came up and I was like, wow, I've never been to the hospital before. And it's weird. They're calling me. I knew it was probably about a baby, but when I answered the phone, it was the emergency room and it was the nurse manager, which never happens. Um, or the nursing supervisor, I want to say, and, and asking me to come for a baby that had passed away. I remember getting my stuff and calling my friend who also lost her baby.
00:10:08
Speaker
full term. At that time, I didn't know that it was like your situation. I didn't know what it was. I just knew that it was full term. You know, your baby was full term to come with me if she wanted to. And she did. But when I got to the hospital, I remember that because it was a brand new hospital, nobody knew how to get me in the back. Nobody. It was always a mess. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Nobody knew where anything was. It was it was they had just moved the patients to the hospital on Saturday from the old facility.
00:10:37
Speaker
Yeah, it was very it was very it was a lot and being in the brand new hospital. Yeah. And the staff were all wonderful. The staff were wonderful. It was great. Crazy. I have a friend who works in mother baby at the hospital. And I just had happened to see on Snapchat the night before that she was going to work that night for her first shift at the new hospital.
00:11:03
Speaker
So they, the nurse that was with us in the ER, she said, somebody from mother baby is going to come down to do memory making with you, to make footprints and handprints and all those things. And I said, could it be Kim? I said, my friend is working. Could you please, could it, could it be her? And they did. They let her come down. She stayed with us for hours. Um, and she did all those things. And it was just nice to have someone I knew it wasn't a stranger.
00:11:31
Speaker
So that was very mean. I know it was hard for her. It's hard, no matter what, when you lose a patient, it's difficult. But when it's something they know personally, it's harder. But she was wonderful.
00:11:46
Speaker
your stories different. I always think people are just like, yeah, they just wonder how you you know what I mean? Like how you handled it versus like how they handled it or like, I mean, I was in shock. I was 100% in shock. I know that. But I was also I've dealt with death so much being in
00:12:05
Speaker
being a nurse that I, I feel like I was like running and Desiree you were there. I feel like I was running in like, oh, right where it is like, um, just like on, what is the right word I'm trying to think of? Like autopilot you're trying to say? I feel like I want autopilot. Like, okay, I know these are the things that I have to do. And
00:12:27
Speaker
I need to ask them to call someone to come take pictures. I need to ask for footprints and handprints. I need to hand my sister my phone so she can start calling our family and our friends and get my friends here. I called my mom in the car, in the police car, when they were taking us to the hospital. And so I had called my mom and then the only other person I called was my best friend that also lost her son. I called her after Madeleine had passed.
00:12:52
Speaker
And she lives in Ohio. So she was, she got here the next day, but she's the only person other than that. I just, I couldn't, I put my phone down and I just, I held my baby. We were lucky. A lot of parents that were in this, that are in the situation we're in, don't get to hold their baby. Um, we did. I don't really know why, honestly, because
00:13:15
Speaker
They didn't have to let us from what I understand. I do know that the prosecutor's office did come out because she did die. You know, it was an unexplained death of an infant. The prosecutor's office came out. My husband is in law enforcement. My sister is an attorney. So we have a lot of background with these things. And they asked us what happened. I told them what happened. And in the ER, the doctor told
00:13:44
Speaker
prosecutor's office that basically we didn't do anything wrong. There was no evidence that we hurt the baby. So they,
Symbolism and Ongoing Grief
00:13:52
Speaker
that was it. And they let us hold her at that point. Once, once the doctor told them that. And we, I was able to keep her with me for a few hours until my whole family could, my family could get there and say goodbye. And then I actually, the medical examiner, so the problem was it was December 17th.
00:14:12
Speaker
So it was right before Christmas. And the medical examiner basically said, you know, if she doesn't get here soon, we're not going to be able to do the autopsy till after the holidays. And I did not want that. So after a little bit of time when I was ready.
00:14:27
Speaker
They were encouraging me, the nursing manager that kept coming in, she was very kind. She was telling them like, no, don't push her. It's her baby. Like whatever. But I kind of got the hint that I needed to move things along. Um, I just knew that I would not be able to hold her again after that because I knew they were going to do an autopsy and I know what that means. So I just took my time and then I actually gave her to my friend.
00:14:51
Speaker
that worked at the hospital that had come down to help us. And she carried her out to the medical examiner to give her to them. So I didn't have to hand her to a stranger, which was very, very comforting. She was not with a stranger at that point. And then once her autopsy was completed, my grandfather, one of his close friends works at a funeral home and they were waiting for her to take her once the autopsy was done.
00:15:20
Speaker
Yes, I remember all of that. How many hours did you get to stay and hold her in the ER? Because I hear what you're saying. They pressured you to leave. Didn't really pressure you, but kind of did. But that's pretty remarkable. You got some hours in with her. We got about four hours, I would say. It was probably about 9.30 when I finally said
00:15:42
Speaker
She was pronounced at five 30 and I was probably about nine 30 when I said, okay, you can, you can take her now. That was about nine 30 at that point. So we did get, we got a decent amount of time with her. Yeah. I know it's never enough. I'm not saying that, but like, it'll never be enough. More than, more than most people get in that situation. And I, I appreciate that. And I, and I, I will never, you know, downplay that that I know.
00:16:09
Speaker
a lot of families in the same situation don't get to do that. Yeah. Now, like you said, when I came in, I was surprised that we could touch her, move her, pose her, you could hold her because I've been in not that situation, but similar and you're not supposed to do anything. I'm like, oh my gosh, we're allowed to do all that. So I was glad for you that you worry. Yeah. And I didn't really know at the time that that is not the norm. Yeah. I've learned that as time has gone on and I've been in Facebook support groups for
00:16:38
Speaker
babies that died of Suid Sudden Unexment Infant Death. And a lot of those parents have said, you know, they were not allowed to hold their baby. Which is so sad. Yeah. Yeah. And I understand, I do understand the necessity of that in a lot of, in some situations where it fits not clear what happened. I understand because it's about keeping other children safe. I understand. But it's also, you know,
00:17:06
Speaker
devastated that they don't get to hold their baby and say goodbye because you can't hold them at once.
00:17:10
Speaker
I know what happens and once the autopsy is done, it's very, very unlikely that you'll be able to hold the baby again. So we were very lucky. I'm not lucky, but we were lucky in that we did get to spend that time with her and some of my family had never gotten to hold her while she was alive. So they got to hold her at least before she was taken. You never got to hold her again then after the hospital? No. Okay.
00:17:37
Speaker
No. And they told, I mean, they didn't tell me why, but I know why. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, but they did let me, you know, kiss her goodbye and I tucked her in and I closed her. I got to do all that. That was nice. But yeah, we, I didn't get to hold her again. I remember she's looked, she still looked perfect though. She did. She did. She was, she was so fat. It was so cute, but she was, she just looked perfect. How big was Jenna and how big was Hudson when they were born? Like the comparison.
00:18:05
Speaker
Jenna was seven pounds, 13 ounces. Teeny. Hudson was nine pounds, 13 ounces. Oh well. So he was actually bigger than Madeline. How big was that nine? She was nine what? She was nine eight. Okay. Yeah. And she was born at 38 weeks. Hudson was nine 13. He was born at 37 weeks. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. This baby is going to be 10 pounds.
00:18:29
Speaker
And if you look at Tina, she's so little.
Community Involvement and Coping Mechanisms
00:18:32
Speaker
I had a very small frame. Yeah. So it's like kind of crazy because I have these giant freaking babies. My husband is six foot tall. I'm five foot two. My husband's six foot one. And I have these giant babies because of my husband. Oh my gosh. Is there anything that sticks out to you in your mind that was like really kind that someone did for you?
00:18:52
Speaker
There was a lot after, you know, people sent food and they did a GoFundMe and people were just very, very kind. And the one thing that I always, and I now do this whenever anybody loses a child or a pregnant, like whatever, a death. Yeah. So a woman, this is going to sound crazy, but there's a, there's a Facebook boutique that I belong to. And I bought things from her.
00:19:16
Speaker
for years, like just on like clothes. And Madeline's due date was Christmas, uh, Christmas day. So once we realized she was definitely coming early, I had reached out to this boutique and asked her if she had any like leftover baby girl Christmas clothes. And she said she did. So I said, well, let me see how big she is. Cause she's coming December 13th. I'll have time to order. It's coming from North Jersey. Perfect. So
00:19:46
Speaker
Somehow, I didn't follow up with her again, obviously, because Madeleine died. Somehow she found out that Madeleine had passed away. And one day we got this gift in the mail. I was like, what is this? It was a tree to plant outside a memorial tree. And it came with a little plaque that said, you know, in loving memory of Madeleine and everything.
00:20:13
Speaker
So my husband planted it out front and it's awesome because we get to see it every day. And we put lights on it for the different seasons and it's just a visual reminder and it's her tree, it's Maddie's tree. So that was the most thoughtful thing that a stranger basically did for us. And of course my family and my friends, they did so many things for us, but that was just such a thoughtful thing for someone who didn't have to do it to do for us.
00:20:44
Speaker
And now we'll take pictures of Hudson next to the tree every year. And now with when the new baby comes, just like, cause we don't, she's not, we don't get to see her grow. We get to see her tree grow and that's what we use. Yeah. Cause we, and she was created. And so we don't have like a grave to visit. So we have her tree. And now if someone, if someone I know loses, you know, a child or.
00:21:06
Speaker
even like my grandparents, my dad's sister died like 10 years ago, we got my grandparents a tree this year for Christmas, they can plant in their yard, because they moved back to the area. Because it's just such a nice thing to do. It just people don't think about it. But it's just such a nice thing to do that I love it.
00:21:24
Speaker
Yeah, that someone didn't have to do for us. Like, it was just such a kind thing that they didn't have to do for us. Where do you get a tree? Like, is it a website? Yeah, there's a website. Yeah, you get to the website. It's wonderful. Yeah, some some websites let you like buy a tree in a forest. And we didn't want to do that. Yeah, I'm not. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's really beautiful. I love the growth thing. Like how you watch the tree grow seeds of light.
00:21:54
Speaker
seeds of life. Seeds, S-E-E-T-S of life. Yep. Dot com. Okay. Oh, that's, that's a beautiful also. And it even shows, like, it'll even show you what trees are good in which, which areas. Yeah. Oh, because I know we're zone five here in Jersey.
00:22:11
Speaker
Yes, it smells you by which zone, so. Yeah, like zone five. So Jenna, she was the child that you had at home. How old was she when you lost Madeline? How did she, how was her experience? She was 17. She was 17. She was about to turn 18. She actually turned 18 a little bit less than a month after Madeline passed away. She was very strong through the whole thing. I think she felt like she had to be strong for me, which was hard.
00:22:48
Speaker
This is definitely harder because I'm pregnant. It's okay. I'm sorry. No, it's okay. It's hard enough to grieve. It's harder to watch your children grieve also. So to see her going through it, her friends were very, very caring and they were there for her and she was able to stay at a friend's house when she needed to, to get out of our house because our house was obviously very sad.
00:23:18
Speaker
Yeah. Very emotional. So she was able to go and be with her friends, which was nice because she was old enough to do that. I didn't have to worry about her. Her friends' parents were very supportive, which was great too. But it's very, I think people forget that siblings grieve. Yeah. And she's grieving the loss of her sister. And she's trying to support her parents.
00:23:45
Speaker
So she's, you know, she's, she's trying to be strong, which she shouldn't have to be because she's not, she's thought that she's the child on the adult, but she was trying, she was very strong and she was very supportive and she, you know, she,
00:24:00
Speaker
probably kept a lot of it in. She did go to therapy. We got her into therapy to help her and that definitely helped her too. And she's, I think it was probably, I don't know if it's easier or harder that she was older because my nieces really struggled also. They were six and eight, I guess. Yeah, six and eight. And my younger niece especially really struggled when Madeline passed away. And I think it was hard for her to understand
00:24:30
Speaker
what was happening because she couldn't, she was six. And then with Jenna, she understood what was happening. So I don't know if it's easier that she understood or harder that she understood because she really understood the permanency of the situation.
Family Dynamics and Marriage
00:24:51
Speaker
Like my niece would say, well, I'm just going to wish Madeleine back to life for my birthday.
00:24:57
Speaker
And because in her mind, that made sense. Like, Oh, I can do that. Jenna obviously knew that that's not something you can do. So it was not, it's, it's kinda, I guess I got double-edged sure that she's older, but also it was nice to have that person, another person there to be supportive. Sorry. I'm trying not to cry. No, you're okay. It's okay to cry, really.
00:25:23
Speaker
But being pregnant makes it definitely, I'm definitely more hormonal than normal. What I'm thinking when you're crying is that for people that say, you know, this happened in 2019, and it's 2024, well, four years ago, you know, you can't, and you already have a baby, you know, another baby after this, and now you're pregnant again, like you can't possibly be sad because look,
00:25:45
Speaker
I mean like this just goes to show you like this this does not it gets Yeah, like every day gets better, but it still hurts pretty fucking bad Yeah, one of the things one thing that I tell New parents when they've lost the baby recently and they say I don't know how I'm going to survive this and things like that as I tell them It doesn't get easier you get you get better at hiding it and you get better at
00:26:16
Speaker
compartmentalizing. And, you know, I can function, I can go to work, I can be a mom, and I can do all these things. And it doesn't mean I'm not mourning, you're always, I'm always going to be grieving, it's not going to go away. Right. That's just, that's not the nature of grief. The grief is not linear. Grief is very, it's like a
00:26:39
Speaker
I've seen pictures before like graphics of people explaining grief and like one of the things they say is like it's a ball and it just bounces all over the place and that's the best way to explain it is that you know at one point you know some days I'm okay and I'm coping and I'm you know not not thinking about it as much and
00:27:03
Speaker
Some days I can't get out of bed. And yes, it's been four years, but there's still days where I can't get out of bed. There's days where I have panic attacks that are so bad. It's painful, physically painful because I can't stop shaking because I'm having a panic attack. Like those are the things that people don't see or know about if they've ever been through these things. And that's what I try to talk to parents about when they've
00:27:30
Speaker
recently lost a child is that everybody tells you what's gonna happen in the immediate aftermath of the situation. Nobody tells you what's gonna trigger you in six months. And nobody knows what's gonna trigger you, obviously, but nobody tells you that Mother's Day, even though I already had a child, it wasn't my first Mother's Day, but Mother's Day was probably the hardest day I had in the year after I lost Madeline.
00:28:00
Speaker
And I did not expect it. I was just completely blindsided by the fact that Mother's Day was so difficult for me because I had been a mother for 18 years. It wasn't my first Mother's Day. It wasn't anything new for me, but it was just, I was a wreck that day. And that completely caught me by surprise. I did not expect
Pregnancy After Loss
00:28:24
Speaker
that. But nobody talks about what happens
00:28:27
Speaker
in a few weeks, in a few months, in a few years, because we just, that's just something that people talk about. They just, it's like desert stuff. They just expect you to move on and you don't ever move on because they're always going to be a part of you. Yeah. Yes. It's always going to be this horrible thing that happened that you're never going to forget happened.
00:28:46
Speaker
Yeah, I was really surprised when I did my episode that I started crying because my daughter will be 16. Right. Yes, it's crazy. Just certain things just brought tears to my eyes and I hadn't remembered them that way in so long. And I think you also, I think that we protect ourselves. I think that our brains are designed to protect us. Yeah. So there's things that you don't think about on a regular basis because it's too hard.
00:29:13
Speaker
So, you know, obviously I think about Madeline all the time, but I don't always think about that she's, that she died or how she died or what happened when she died. I don't think about, you know, what she looks like after she passed away. I don't, I don't know. My brain lets me think about those things because it's not, it's not healthy to be thinking about those things all the time. So I think that our brains are helping us with these things. But then when you sit down to talk about it in these situations, it hits you.
00:29:43
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. How do you answer the question? How many children do you have? I personally always include Madeline in that number. So generally what I say is I have a 22 year old. I lost my daughter at four days old in 2019. I have a two and a half year old and I am expecting another baby girl in May. That's generally how I answer that question. And
00:30:12
Speaker
That is a very common question people ask in support groups. What do I say if somebody asks me? And my answer is always the same thing, whatever you're comfortable with. I am not responsible for anybody's feelings or comfort level, but mine. So if it makes you uncomfortable that my child died, imagine how uncomfortable I am. I love to know.
00:30:42
Speaker
So good. I always speak my truth. And if people can't handle that, then that's okay. I fully respect that, but you're not going to tell me that I can't talk about my child. That's how I look at it. Do I always mention Madeline? And she's at our, we make sure she's included in our family pictures. You know, we take pictures. I love that. To do all those things.
00:31:10
Speaker
She's included in everything with our lives. What have you done in the community to help you as you're grieving your daughter or in memory of your daughter?
00:31:19
Speaker
We, let's see, you know, you know the answer to a lot of this. I do know the answer, but. Yeah. So we are very active in, I'm very active in the local, like a local loss community. I volunteer a lot of different places because, you know, I have nothing better to do with my time than volunteer. So I like to help other people. Like I said, I'm very vocal about my grief. So I,
00:31:47
Speaker
have no problem talking to parents that have recently lost children. I step up to do those things and help people. For Madeline's first birthday, we did a GoFundMe with our family and our friends, and we raised money to buy a cut-a-cut to donate to the hospital where Madeline was pronounced dead.
00:32:05
Speaker
Even though she wasn't born there, I just felt like I wanted to do something for them because they were very kind to us when she passed away. So we raised the funds, we donated a cuddle cot to that hospital. I actually connected with the first mom that got to use that cuddle cot. And we're friends, we're friendly now.
00:32:25
Speaker
And it was just very, I've actually talked to a few moms that have gotten to use the Cut-O-Cut that we donated. And it's nice to see. I wish that it didn't have to exist, but unfortunate truth is babies die. And it's wonderful to have the Cut-O-Cut to give them some time with their baby. For her second birthday, my son was born in May of 2021. So her second birthday was December of 2021.
00:32:55
Speaker
We catered a lunch for the NICU staff at the hospital where my son was born.
00:33:01
Speaker
because he had a two week NICU stay. And that hospital was phenomenal. The NICU was just absolutely amazing.
Community Support and Reflection
00:33:09
Speaker
The staff was so kind to us. They knew our story. They knew what happened to our daughter. They constantly were just there all the time and just telling us like, okay, this is why the monitor is going off. This is what's going on. Very reassuring. Like they just, they were so kind. So we cater lunch for all of the doctors, the nurses,
00:33:31
Speaker
texts, everybody in the NICU that day, it was like 60 people on her second birthday. And then on the second anniversary of her passing away, we sent pizzas to the ER where she was pronounced to do something for them there. And then for her third birthday, we again, raised the funds. We partnered with another local nonprofit and we were able to raise the funds to donate another kado kat.
00:33:59
Speaker
to another hospital in the hospital network where she passed away. So we donated a second coat of cloth for her third birthday. Now for her fourth birthday, which was in December of 2023, I volunteer with an organization that brings gift bags to NICU parents on holidays. So we donated books to the organization and we created gift bags for the hospital where I work for their NICU.
00:34:28
Speaker
We are going to Disney World in two weeks. And what we've decided is there's something called pixie dusting at Disney World, where you give out little, whatever it might be, to random people. And it's just called pixie dusting. So what we did was I had these little Mickey key chains made, and I had little tags made that said, you know, you've been pixie dusted in loving memory of Madeleine Rue.
00:34:58
Speaker
and her birthday and the day she passed away. And we're going to buy some Disney gift cards, just like $5 Disney gift cards. And we're going to make up these little bags and my nieces are going with us. We're going to have the kids hand out these bags to whoever they want to at Disney World.
00:35:16
Speaker
Um while we're there and I think we have 25 of them how I love that Yeah, every year gets better Every year we try to just make different every year because I want to not like always do the same thing So yeah, and this just ended up. We we decided to go to Disney World for our baby moon before the baby comes Yeah, so I thought this would be a fun idea something different to do and also it gets her name out there Yeah, we uh
00:35:46
Speaker
That's one of the biggest things as a lost parent is you just want people to remember your baby. So it gets her name out there and who knows who we're giving it to because it's strangers. They could be from anywhere at Disney World. They could be from Europe for all we know. Who knows? My nieces are just going to pick other kids, ask their parents if it's okay.
00:36:08
Speaker
and then give these kids these little bags. Oh, so you don't like throw, I'm picturing like you throw like, I swear. Pixie dusting, it's just a term I guess they use when it does these animals putting a little bit of magic on your day. Okay. Which is like a, yeah, it's just a term and it's just basically little gift bags. Like you would, you know, in school you get little gift bags.
00:36:32
Speaker
Oh, you don't eat it at their head? I was like, she throws sparkles at people. No, no glitter. I kind of like that, I know. Yeah, no glitter. But no, it's putting a little magic onto somebody's face. I really love that.
00:36:47
Speaker
Yeah, that's so unique. And I just booked a trip to Disney last night. Oh, you did? Yeah. I like to use that idea. I know. Yeah. I love that. There's a Facebook page that has a bunch of different tips and tricks for Disney World. And that's why I heard about it. Oh, this is such a good idea. You know what? This is what we're going to do for Madeline's birthday this year. So it's a little after her birthday. But it just felt like something cool to do. Yeah, I love that.
00:37:15
Speaker
Was there anyone who showed up for you in your grief journey that you were not expecting? You already said the lady at the boutique, so I don't know if there's anyone else. Her name is Marissa. Marissa at the, you know, her boutique, I, you know, I never would have expected that.
00:37:32
Speaker
A lot of people showed up for us that didn't, you know, really are my fertility doctor. She came to Madeline's funeral and she didn't have to do that. She didn't have to do that. She's one of my closest friends now. She helped us conceive Madeline, she helped us conceive Hudson, and she helped us conceive our new baby.
00:37:53
Speaker
We're not sharing the baby's name until after she's born. So that's why I just keep calling her the baby. So she's one of my closest friends now, and she came to the funeral and I did not expect her to be there. We had a bunch of people from high school that I really hadn't seen since high school, but we were friends on Facebook. They came. One of my very close friends died my senior year of high school in a car accident.
00:38:16
Speaker
and her parents came to Madeline's funeral. I wasn't expecting that. I haven't seen them in, I mean, I send them a Christmas card every year, but I haven't seen them in a long time. I wasn't expecting them to come. That's like a full circle thing for them too. Like that's so very much so. I've known them since I was a young teen, 13 years old, and they, you know, they came to Madeline's funeral.
00:38:41
Speaker
And the doctor that would have been Madeline's pediatrician, she never actually got to go to the pediatrician, but they sent us flowers. And they didn't have to do that. She wasn't even their patient. They had never seen her. That is so nice. It was very, and they are Hudson's pediatrician now, but just little things like that where you're not expecting people to do those things.
00:39:05
Speaker
And I was very grateful for what everyone did for us. So I personally said thank you cards, handwritten thank you cards to everybody. If they came to the funeral and they brought a card, I hand wrote a thank you card. The funeral had to give me more thank you cards because I did so many.
00:39:24
Speaker
My husband is in law enforcement and I also worked at the time, I also worked at the jail where he works per diem as a nurse. Everybody knew us, obviously, and everybody knew we were having the baby. And then when she passed, it was like, it said shockwaves through the jail. They sent officers, they blessed officers over to our daughter's funeral.
00:39:50
Speaker
so that people could come to the funeral. They didn't have to do that for us, but they did. And it meant a lot to us that they were there because there was just a crazy show of support that we had. We had a lot of people in our corner, and that was very helpful because you feel very alone. So having all those people,
00:40:09
Speaker
It's not funny, but it's funny. The funeral home, they, you know, we, we made the, it was a closed casket, but we made the viewing about an hour and a half. And my sister had told them it wasn't going to be enough time. It was December 21st. So it was, it was a Saturday, the last Saturday before Christmas. And they're like, I guess they figured it's a, it's an infant, you know, it's not that many people there. Yeah. It was standing room only.
00:40:35
Speaker
And it was people were coming through the viewing line at one point they're like, okay, we have to keep going. Cause like, we're going to run out of time that we have to start with the service and everything. Cause they just were not expecting the amount of people that showed up for our baby. So a lot of people showed up for us in our time of grief that we were not necessarily expecting to show up for us. Yeah. It sounds like you have a wonderful support network. We do. We are very, very lucky. I am very close to my family. I have.
00:41:05
Speaker
Wonderful. I've had the same, you know best friends since I was my my closest like my one best friend that also lost her son We've been best friends since we were 10 years old
00:41:13
Speaker
We've been through everything together. And my other closest friends, we've been best friends since junior high and high school. I have good friends and I have my sisters and my parents and I have a large extended family. I'm very lucky and I know that. How did this affect, if it did affect your relationship with your husband? Either brought you closer, pulled you apart for a time. If you want to share, you don't have to share.
00:41:41
Speaker
I'll share anything. I think it brought us closer together, I would say, because we had to, like I said, I have experience with mourning and with death and things like that. So I knew we were going to mourn differently. I knew we were going to grieve. We're very different people also. So I knew we were going to grieve differently. So I didn't expect him to
00:42:01
Speaker
react the same way i was reacting to anything i just knew that was it wasn't going to be fair to him for me to expect that so we were able to be very supportive of each other and you know one was strong when the other couldn't be we definitely i feel like we definitely got closer because we kind of
00:42:17
Speaker
I think it either pushes you apart or it makes you closer. And we def, I do think we definitely got closer because of what happened. And I think it could be, it would have been easy for him to be angry with me because he was sleeping when, you know, when she passed away, but he was never angry with me. He's checking, he's checking on me now. But he was never angry with me. He just kind of, you know, he not accepted it, but it's what happened.
00:42:47
Speaker
And it's nobody's fault. It just is what happened to us. What a good man. He is. I'll keep him, I guess. How was your pregnancy with Hudson after losing Madeline? And how did you cope with the anxiety and stress that comes from being pregnant again?
00:43:09
Speaker
therapy. That's good. Lots of therapy. I really had to I did a very I have I have PTSD because what happened to me was very traumatic. And I went through a very, very special kind of therapy called EMDR. And it is specific for people who have PTSD. And I worked very hard doing my therapy during the course of my pregnancy to process what happened to us.
00:43:38
Speaker
and to prepare myself for the delivery. Because now it was different doctor, different hospital, different neonatologists, different NICU, different everything. Um, and it still felt like I was walking into the same operating room when I went to deliver Hudson. And I do credit EMDR with being the therapy that I received. I do credit that with, with definitely helping me cope through that situation.
00:44:04
Speaker
especially with Hudson's NICU time because the NICU time was very traumatic. Madeleine's NICU time and Hudson's NICU time were night and day. And I do think if I had not prepared the way I did, I would not have handled Hudson's NICU time as well as I did. Did you know that he was going to have to go to the NICU? I forget.
00:44:23
Speaker
No, we were hoping he wouldn't, but he just decided he didn't want to breathe when he was born. Oh my gosh. Don't, not scary nor anything. Oh my God. Yeah, not as scary as I think I know.
00:44:34
Speaker
But no, we did not know. They were prepared just in case, but he ended up needing the NICU. So how many sessions of EMDR did you do? Just for listeners who don't know, it's called eye movement desensitation and reprocessing. I actually did it to process trauma too, similar with my daughter and then other deaths in my family. And it really works. I mean, it was amazing, like night and day difference. I was having like triggers and, um,
00:45:04
Speaker
I did about 10 sessions and it made a huge difference. I did way more than 10, I'll say that. I started before I was even pregnant with Hudson and I did it up until he was born. I did at least 60 to 70 sessions. Wow, that's amazing. I had significant trauma to process.
00:45:30
Speaker
And I had multiple traumatic incidents that happened even surrounding Madeleine's passing. So I had a lot of work to do, but I did the work and I do think it helped me coping with my anxiety and my stress. And I'm not going to say that I never had to, you know, take something for anxiety when I was pregnant. I definitely did at times, but I definitely think that
00:45:57
Speaker
the therapy is why I was able to cope as well as I did the entire time. And again, this with this pregnancy, the same thing I the therapy that I went through, I'm still in therapy, not not doing EMDR anymore, but I am still in therapy. And I do think the therapy that I've gone through and the therapy I continue to do helps
00:46:16
Speaker
processing my feelings and my emotions instead of just pretending it's not happening. Yeah, definitely. And like I always feel lighter after therapy. I don't know if you feel the same way, but I feel like so much better.
00:46:27
Speaker
I think everybody should go to therapy because, especially moms, because it's like one hour a week or every two weeks where somebody has to listen to you. Like their job is just listen to you. There's nobody listening to you. And their job is to listen to you about whatever it is you need to tell them about at that point. So I say everyone should go to therapy. I agree. But I guess, I guess one thing I would say is being on my second pregnancy after losing Madeline,
00:46:56
Speaker
It's, it's different than being pregnant with Hudson. And I don't know if that's because it's a girl or if it's because I know for sure this is going to be my last baby. I'm not going to have any more after this one. I don't know, but it definitely feels different than it felt like when I was pregnant with Hudson. So I will say that for people, like it's not, every pregnancy is going to feel different after loss.
00:47:23
Speaker
So if one pregnancy feels like it's, you know, oh, it's easy. I'm okay. The next one might not be the same. Yeah. Do you feel like this one is easier or Hudson was easier for you? I think Hudson was easier. I do think that is because this is a girl. I think that that makes this harder on me that it's a girl. I'm not upset that it's a girl. I will love this child, obviously no matter what, but I do think it feels
00:47:48
Speaker
harder on me because it's a baby girl. Yeah. For all the reasons you said because it's a girl, because you said all the reasons that you said they all are valid. They're all at all that together. That's a lot. Yeah. Tina, thank you so much. Tina, thank you so much for being here and sharing the story of Madeline with us. If you want to send some love to Tina, email us at storyteller at the blindsided.com. Thank you for listening and we'll see you next episode.
00:48:15
Speaker
Thank you so much for tuning into the latest episode of The Blindsided Podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at nicolewiththeblindsided.com or desiré at theblindsided.com.
00:48:33
Speaker
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00:48:51
Speaker
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