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Liz Cressman - Aria's Story
139 Plays1 year ago
Liz is a mom of two to Aria (would be 4) and Oliver (3). She is married to her high school sweetheart, Rob. After losing Aria to stillbirth, Liz has been trying to find a way to help other loss families and is currently in school for diagnostic medical sonography. She hopes that through this career, she will be able to further ensure thorough ultrasounds for all pregnant people and help provide support to families during and after a loss.
To see more of Aria's photos, please visit the site HERE
Through the Eyes of a Lion book
To be interviewed on the show, please email storyteller@theblindsided.com
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Transcript
Introduction to Blindsided Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree. We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies. We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love.
Guest Introduction: Liz Kressman and Family
00:00:36
Speaker
Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast. Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast. We're your hosts, Nicole and Desiree. Hi. Hi. Today we have Liz Kressman here with us. Liz is a mom who's local to us here in South Jersey.
00:00:52
Speaker
and she's here to talk to us about her daughter, Aria. Hi, Liz. Hi. Thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me. I feel like I hear people say that all the time on podcasts, and I'm like, it's me now.
00:01:08
Speaker
Can you tell us a little bit about yourself? ah Yeah. i My name is Liz, and I have a family of four. It's me and my husband, Rob. We met when we were 16. um We have our daughter, Aria, who passed away when I was 38 weeks pregnant with her. And then since then, we had we've had our son, Oliver, who just turned three.
Navigating Personal Questions After Loss
00:01:33
Speaker
Oliver, that's cute. Thank you. I can't think of anything else about me. I'm not very interesting. You're more interesting than you think. I feel like people never know what to say when someone asks them that. Yeah, i never I never
Pregnancy with Aria and Sudden Loss
00:01:46
Speaker
know. Even job interviews, I'm like,
00:01:49
Speaker
I'm awesome. Just hire me. um So can you just tell us wherever you want to start um with Aria's story, if you want to start in her pregnancy? I don't know. Wherever you want to start. Okay, so we were trying to get pregnant. It took us about four months. So we were lucky in that regard. And I mean, and there is nothing really remarkable about the pregnancy at all. Everything anatomy, skin, ah doctors appointments, everything looked great. It didn't seem like or there wasn't anything wrong. The only like remarkable thing that happened is that I with blood work, I got like marked as like a cystic fibrosis carrier. oh But I mean, Rob wasn't so I guess it was fine. But like other than that, like it was perfectly fine. No issues. So when I mean, obviously when
00:02:44
Speaker
Everything happened. It was a little bit of a shock, but so I was 38 weeks pregnant and I was on maternity leave. I had just like the Friday before was my last day of work. And so I woke up that morning. Actually. We had a doctor's appointment the night before everything was fine. We did our last clip, like birthing class. Cause I don't even know if they have them in the hospital anymore, but it was in the hospital. So we were in the hospital, we took a tour of the hospital, we were there. And then the next morning I woke up and I woke up super late, which I hate doing. So like I got up and normally I would like lay there until I felt her move and then I would get up and go. But because I woke up so late, I was cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. And then I want to say ah around like 11 30 or like two hours after I woke up, I was like, huh, I really haven't felt her move. Like let me sit down.
00:03:42
Speaker
take a chill pill and like wait wait and see what's going on. And it was like radio silence. Like it felt different than when I was like waiting or doing kick counts. So I think I called the doctor and I just said like, listen, I haven't felt anything.
Emergency C-section and Family Support
00:04:00
Speaker
I've been sitting here for a half hour. And they said, all right, come in at one o'clock. Now looking back on it, I wish I just went straight to the hospital, but whatever. So I went in, my sister met me there because my husband couldn't get off of work. Well, couldn't leave work. He was in the middle of a meeting and like, nobody ever thinks that like, that's actually going to be what happens. Yeah. So my sister met me at the, at the doctors and the nurse practitioner put the, um, they, they had like a really old, what is it? A non-stress test machine. And she put that down and.
00:04:39
Speaker
Nothing. She couldn't find it. And she was blaming it on the fact that it was like old, which that's fine. It's nothing against her. So she was just like, all right, well, we're going to send you to the hospital. They'll be able to do an ultrasound and see what's going on. So my sister, we left my car there and we drove to the hospital. We got there and Rob, then met my husband met me at the hospital from there and we went up to labor and delivery. And our doctor who was the same doctor we saw the night before was waiting at the door for us at, uh, MFM. And she was like, what is going on? I just saw you. So they whisked us in and they laid me down. They're trying to do an ultrasound, which I haven't told this story in a very long time. So I don't, normally I'm very fine.
00:05:29
Speaker
telling it, but just you know just in case. yeah um So they put the ultrasound down to see what was going on. And I started to cry because they were obviously not like, everything's fine. And they said to me like, stop breathing, which not like rudely either. yeah Like I understood like the gravity of the situation. They're like, stop breathing. I was like, so I stopped. Stop crying, I think maybe probably not actually. Then after a couple minutes, my doctor came above my face and was like, we think we see her heart fluttering. We need your consent to do an emergency C-section right now. I said, get her out. And it was like, yeah like I pressed like the go button. The nurses they swarmed, made Rob step back. They were, they started like ripping my clothes off.
00:06:22
Speaker
putting IVs in like it was a whirlwind to like be in the center of. And they started to pull away and somebody said, wait, let her say goodbye to her husband. Give your husband a kiss. as So he kisses me? And it's like our lips touch and they leave. And Rob told me like, I don't know how long later they ran over his foot. ah
00:06:55
Speaker
And I remember like they just threw a gown on top of me. I was naked. But they threw a gown on top of me. And I remember like sitting there and like my legs, like my knees were bent and not together. And I remember one of the nurses just closing my legs as we're walking through.
00:07:15
Speaker
walking through the hallway and I'm like, Oh, thanks. Cause people are probably just seeing me in all my glory. So then we were in the operating room and I remember, so I had to be put under general anesthesia and they said, I'm not going to cut you until you're asleep. I'm not going to cut you until you're asleep. And I remember being like, that's weird. Good to know. Thanks. But like, I can understand like why people would be like wearing a hat. looking back on it. And then I was out. So I've asked a lot of questions since everything happened about, you know, where was everybody sitting? What happened? Because my family went through all of this and I was asleep. Right. Like they were waiting. My mom, at that point, my mom and dad were there. They got there at the same time. Rob did. So they were waiting in the waiting room. I don't remember when Rob's parents got there exactly.
00:08:15
Speaker
When I woke up, everybody was already there. We have a very close family, both sides. So, all so much stuff happened in the span of like an hour when I was asleep. And I was recently told, so when Aria came out, I don't remember who told me this, but when Aria came out, they were working on her to try to revive her. I just found out that they worked on her for like 40 minutes. to try to bring her back. Because I mean, she will she looked pristine. She did. She was a pretty baby.
Grieving and Cherishing Moments with Aria
00:08:47
Speaker
So at that point, after 40 minutes, I guess, and they like stitched me up, I woke up. And the first thing I remember, at least I think the first thing I said, the first thing I remember was, is the baby okay? And ah op Dr. Oakland was just like, and no, I'm so sorry. She's not.
00:09:09
Speaker
And I then the next thing I said was, can I see her? No, I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. oh So I said, was it a boy or a girl? And they were like, it's not funny. It's not. I remember Dr. Flynn was like, you don't know. thanks Really the good and something else. It's just like, it should have been such a great time. And it's not, but That being said, I tell people all the time with that being, you know, such a terrible time being told that your child didn't make it. And then being told you have a girl top three moments of my life. Like.
00:09:54
Speaker
Being told you were right the entire time that you were pregnant, that you were having a girl, great. I loved it. So I tell people, like if it was that good when like I was getting this bad news, it has to be awesome when like you have a great baby there. Yeah. So I said, is it a boy or girl? They said, you don't know. So they said, it's a girl. And I was like, I knew it. And I'm like, all hopped up on drugs. So then I said, can I see her? And they said, absolutely. So they brought her over to me and I was like, she looks just like me. So then they take me to my room and they say, we're gonna go get your husband or
00:10:40
Speaker
Was he, no, he wasn't waiting in there for me. I remember him walking in, but I don't remember is like the 25 minute long conversation that we had. I thought it was like five minutes. And then like months later, we're talking about it or something. And he said like, we have a really long conversation. And I was like, no, we didn't. He said, no, it was like 25 minutes. I said, no, it was like five. He was like, no. I didn't think I lost any memory, which obviously I did. So then we told our parents that they could come in. And that was, that was rough. Like watching, watching your parents like have to deal with their child going through this, but then also losing their grandchild. What do you, what do you deal with first?
00:11:33
Speaker
And they didn't, they didn't deal with that. They could, they only made sure that we were okay because we have great parents. Um, but, uh, I don't really remember much from that. I don't think, and then I have a brother and a sister and then my, so my sister's married. I don't, I don't remember if my brother's girlfriend was there. They've been together for a long time. And then Rob has two brothers and he was, his middle brother was engaged at the time. Now they're married. So they were all there and we told them to come in. And I think shortly after that, that's when Desiree came to take the pictures, which are my pride and joy. I love those pictures. The amount of pictures we have on our phone from that three days is ridiculous, but
00:12:26
Speaker
We have all of the pictures in an album that like I know. I know where it is. If there's ever a fire that I'm going for it, I don't care that they're all on my phone. I'm going for it. Yeah, yeah. and Then we had the two pastors come, Louis and Kyle. and I was telling Nicole about how we like did like a big prayer circle and you took a video of it. Yes, I did. I had the camera in one hand and my phone in the other hand. And I was crying. I love that video. I love that video. Oh, yay. No, it's I love it so much. And like you have pictures of that moment too. Yeah, I was I was double handed on a chair. I remember ha
00:13:11
Speaker
Yeah, it's I love it. I love that video. And, and she did because she's so smart. She did a slide of all of our pictures too. And then at the end of the slide, that song that you put in that slideshow. Do you remember which one what song is it? I don't care for you. So I will carry you by Selah. I was not in the right state of mind to hear that for the first time. That song will instantly just like make me cry. It was called I Will Carry You. and home And then when I realized it was saying
00:13:56
Speaker
i'll I'll cry just thinking about it. yeah And then when I realized it was saying like, she's in heaven, nobody can love. See, that even made me cry even more. But and then at the end of the song, she has like an expert of the or ah a clip, I think of just the audio or something. I don't remember of the prayer that they said over the pictures from but so smart. I We played that on a loop at her ah memorial that we had at the church. That was, I love that video. You're probably like one of the only people I've done that for. So I'm glad that you appreciated it. It's hard to like do everything at the same time. I appreciate it. But yeah, that was one I, people say, how do you not cry? I'm like, Oh, I cry sometimes. You have to, if you call it all off, I feel like you would go crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah And then,
00:14:53
Speaker
I mean, there was nothing like else like about that night. I was up all night that night. Oh, my nurses. The angels that were sent to me. i I'll cry talking about them. Jesse that night, I think after like our parents left, it was just my sister, Haley, and Rob's brother Jay left, I think. And so we were all talking to Jesse. And I think I, I had made a comment about like cleaning Aria up or something. And Jesse was like, say no more. I'll do it. And she gave her and Rob gave Aria like a little like wipe, like wipey bath.
00:15:34
Speaker
oh So we were talking to Jesse and then Tori, who was Aria's baby nurse, left around like eight, came back around 11. So after an entire shift came back to be my night nurse, and I was up all night just talking to her about her experiences and my experiences and, uh, some faith related talk and just looking at Aria. And I remember. Have you ever watched Inside Out? Yes. Yeah. They had it on the, like one of the movie options and I overnight trying to fall asleep, I'll put a movie on that I've watched before. So I put Inside Out on and I remember just like laying there. And when I hear the music now, it takes me right back.
00:16:25
Speaker
Cause there's like that, it's a very beginning. It's like, uh, I'm not going to try to sound good doing it, but it's like, uh, almost, I think maybe a piano, just a couple notes that they do over and over again. And it takes me right back. I like, I feel myself laying in the hospital and not in a bad way, yeah feel myself laying in the hospital bed. I feel her in her little bassinet right there next to me. And I love it, because now my my son loves the movie. So we watch it all the time. It's such a good movie. Oh, it's so cute. um So that night, I think I maybe got an hour's sleep, maybe. But I just wanted to like soak in as much time with her as I could. I remember saying to Jesse, I remember saying, and Jesse had said before, or I think my mom said, like the questions you were asking in the middle of this like really awful thing,
00:17:22
Speaker
I don't know how I had the foresight to ask. Like I asked Jessie, um, how much time do I have with her? And she was like, as much time as you want. The fact that I had to ask this is so ridiculous. They said, I don't want to see her any other way than this. Is she going to change? Which now I'm like, it doesn't matter if she changed and she changed a little bit, but I mean like not a lot. Jesse was like, no, no, you have, as long as you're here, you can spend as much time with her as you want. And then they brought up an autopsy and like that just like, I don't know why personally, it just like gave me the chills. But obviously we wanted to know what was going on, what happened. right So like we put that on the back burner. We'll figure that out later. And then poor Jesse had to tell us like,
00:18:20
Speaker
So, and I remember she was doing it so gently. So you guys have to make a decision. I was like, about what, like what, what else could I make a decision about? And they were like, at this gestational age, they can only leave the hospital with a funeral home. And I looked at her like, are you joking me? She said, so you're, you need to decide if you want cremation or a burial. And I was like, I am way too young for this. Like this is ridiculous. Like this is my child. Like let alone like burying like somebody else. Like this is ridiculous. Not on Jesse. Like Jesse did it perfectly. Yeah. So then later that night, Tori came back and we talked all night. The next day was probably one of the most draining days of my life, which I am, I would not go back and change it for anything.
00:19:18
Speaker
Like we invited pretty much our entire family to come and meet her. And what we should have done is like place like a time limit on everything. Yeah. But, and I understand like, ah again, I wouldn't change it. I'm not mad about it. It was just so draining. There were people who were there for eight hours. Oh my gosh. How would, and how would you know that they would stay that long? You know, that's yeah. Yeah. Like, which I get it. They wanted to be there for us. They wanted to spend time with her, but neither of our families are small. I mean, at least 15 people in my room at all times you're like post-op. So you're in the thick of it. Like the only times I get like annoyed is like, I remember me and Rob.
00:20:07
Speaker
had a moment where like we broke down and we were holding her and we were crying. And I looked up and everybody was watching us. And I said, everybody needs to get out. Everybody like very got up and left. Good, good. I went to open the door. And again, I get it. Like everybody was so worried about us. They didn't want to be too far. I opened the door to tell the nurses that like our family can come back. And half of them are just standing.
00:20:40
Speaker
okay I'm so, I'm so grateful that they wanted to meet Aria. Like I'm so grateful and like, nothing could make me change how we did it because I'm so grateful that I have pictures with our families, with our daughter. But it was just such a draining day. I was so tired.
Leaving the Hospital: Emotional Decisions
00:21:00
Speaker
And then my best friend, say this is where it's gonna get me. My best friend came and met her. She had just had a daughter three months before. So, you know, we were pregnant and we thought our girls were going to be best friends. So that was, I mean, at the time that's not what I was thinking. I was so excited for my best friend to meet my daughter.
00:21:26
Speaker
And another way, I don't, it's so weird to say that I feel blessed when like, something so shitty happened, but the same thing happened to her mom. when she was 10. So I had this person who's already been through it, well, kind of through it, who's had to support somebody through it already. And it was such a blessing. Like it's crazy to think I never never knew anybody that that thing that that has happened to until I met Lauren and Lauren's best friend and her mom have the same thing happen.
00:22:07
Speaker
wow we It's crazy. um So then after that day, later that night, I said to Rob, it was like 8 30. And they said to Rob, I said, I'm done. Everybody needs to leave. I don't know how it was done. I know Rob said something to his brother. And I think I remember his brother being like, all right, everybody, time to go. That's awesome. Good brother. He also told his family. And he, kind like, he, like we delegated. My mom was, you have to tell our family. And I think he told my husband's family and said, like, you guys are invited to come meet the baby if you want. I think that was him. And then the next day, the next day was Rob's birthday. So I feel very lucky that I got three full days with her because it was a C-section and
00:23:04
Speaker
Oh, the day that everybody was there, Dawn was my nurse and she just, she was able to relate in different ways and like yeah understand. So that was, I think like the first person that I talked to that could kind of understand. And, um, then the next day, Jesse was back and it was Rob's birthday and the nurses, they were literally angels. They got Rob a present, like a weighted heart. They got him a cake. oh They came in with books that we could read. Like they came in saying happy birthday to Rob, which I feel like the dad sometimes get forgotten yeah when this situation happens. And I don't, i I can't speak for Rob, but I don't think that he felt forgotten. But because like the nurses just made sure that he felt loved on his birthday.
00:24:05
Speaker
That's so sweet. Like I said, the best situation of a shitty situation, like the best outcome of a shitty situation. But then even the hospital honestly went a step further because Rob's mom wanted to get some sort of catering so that we could all have Rob's birthday dinner together. I consider that day one of the best days of my life. So Broz Mom ordered Olive Garden Takeout. And we just asked, like, one of the nurses, Jessie, probably, she was my nurse that day, we said, you guys have like an extra table that we could just bring in to put the the food down on. And the nurses cleared it with the hospital. They let us use their meeting room where they do like all of their education.
00:24:56
Speaker
and set up and have a big family birthday dinner. Hurrah. So we have pictures sitting around a big table. But it's the only family dinner that we'll get with Aria. And it was awesome. Yeah, it was just, we were laughing the entire time we were around that table. Like the pictures I have are people smiling and laughing. And it was just, it felt right. At no point was I like, why are we laughing right now like this sucks because it didn't it was a family dinner with our daughter and we would never get that again so that was awesome not only did the nurses go above and beyond the hospital they they didn't have to let us do that you know that is amazing though i've never heard of that like that's
00:25:48
Speaker
Like we didn't have to do that. yeah yeah Like, and we didn't even ask for it. The higher ups said yes. So it's just, I will cherish that entire day yeah for my entire life. And like our family was there from, I woke up one morning and I called my mom and she was like, you know, how did you sleep? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:26:15
Speaker
My mom said, okay, well me and my, me and your sister are in the cafeteria. Can we come up?
00:26:22
Speaker
Like they were there before I even woke up. We wean on our family so much. Like when they left, but like at the same time, like looking back on like the times in the middle of the night where it was just me, Rob and Aria. I love those memories too. Yeah. But I, like, I would never, I'd never think like, Oh, I wish we had more time alone with her. Yeah. That was really funny. So we're we're here. Are you okay if we come up? Yes, come up. So that night, me and Rob, we stayed up until three o'clock. I think we were like, Oh, and everybody took turns reading to her before they left. And just like taking time together.
00:27:09
Speaker
That night was so special. My like brother-in-law played a song for her. My mother-in-law wrote a poem. My mom and dad read books that they had gotten for her, like for my baby shower. um That night we took a picture with Rob's family. It's the only picture I have where people are like smiling in it, but it looks normal. Like I love that picture. And then We were up all night that night, playing music to her, singing, just being with her, staring at her. But then the next day we knew we were leaving and that was not good. That was not good. Like we had her in the entire time we were there in this. Oh, how my awesome aunt, I'm sorry, I'm jumping all over.
00:28:00
Speaker
because we didn't know what we were having. We didn't have really like gender specific clothes. So the day that everything happened, my aunt and my cousin just sat out in the waiting room. We invited them in. They said now we're just here in case you need us. But you're just you guys spend time with her and we'll, we'll be here. So my aunt left and got us some girl clothes. So we had her in this pink I love it's hanging in like a shadow box in our room. It's a pink onesies PJ. And then it's just pink and it has like little like roses down the buttons. It's so simple, but she looks so cute in it. So like, the day we left getting her out of that was really hard. And i I think it was just me and Rob in the room at that point. So that was really nice. But that was hard getting her undressed. And then they
00:28:59
Speaker
gave us the option of leaving like, do you guys want to leave while she's still in the room?
Returning Home: Coping with Emptiness
00:29:05
Speaker
Or do you want us to take her? And I felt like I didn't want to walk her away from her. Like I didn't want to leave her. Yeah. So it was better for me if they took her and then we left. So to backtrack about the autopsy. We were having a really hard time trying to decide if we wanted to do an autopsy or not. And one of the doctors said, listen, I'm so grateful for this. Only 10% of parents get an answer from an autopsy. And that was absolutely nowhere near good enough for me to say, yeah, let's do it. And I didn't know anything about it. It just didn't feel right for me. So we said no to an autopsy. Then our overnight nurse, the second and third night was Miranda. We knew Miranda.
00:29:57
Speaker
Previously but to her family, friends are our best friends. So she requested us at that point. She wasn't part of the bereavement team. She just knew like, well, that this is a face that, you know, and she has since then joined the bereavement team at the hospital and. she stayed, so she worked all night and then stayed at the hospital all day because I didn't have an a nurse that I knew, one. And I remember most of my nurses, like even the ones that weren't my nurses and they just like came in, like one girl, Kristen, she just popped her head in and she was like, hey, and not the same situation, but this happened to me and this book really helped me.
00:30:42
Speaker
And she gave me a book. It was Through the Eyes of a Lion. I think a lot of people hear about it. And it so that that book is so good. I think I know that one. Neither do I. Oh, it's yeah it's really good. It's about a pastor whose daughter passed away from, I think, an allergic reaction to something. But he talks about going through it. I think he talks about like the first year of losing her and like faith and everything like that with it. So, but Miranda stayed that whole day and then she stayed. She said, okay, I'm going to stay with Aria for a little bit so that you know somebody's with her. So that was really, really nice. And then as we're walking out, Jesse gets there and say goodbye, but it wasn't until we got home that like it really hit me walking in to this empty house.
00:31:42
Speaker
knowing that there's a full nursery ready for a baby. And it just, I remember I, I, I did come out of it. So, I mean, I know probably quicker than a lot of other people. So it's not like it was so bad, but I remember we were sitting in my living room and my house is not very, very big. So we're all crammed in my living room and I'm sitting, I had a C-section. And our couch is too small. So I have to sit on like a rolly desk chair. And I remember just like staring at the wall. I had no thoughts, no emotions. Like I just shut down. And like at one point I remember thinking like, are you going to be okay? Are you going to be able to get through this? It gets, you get stronger. You were thinking that about yourself, like wondering if you if you were going to, okay. Like I remember being like.
00:32:35
Speaker
you got to get your shisnet together. You can't break down. And I don't know if that was like me like they speak dramatic in my head. And then soon like I remember my dogs, my life, I those were my babies. Like I love them. Oh, my dog Remy, I could just love her. I'll tell you why in a second. So, and I remember like, my brother-in-law went and got them because they were staying at my mother-in-law's house. He went and got them for us. And they, they ran in so excited to see everybody. And I wanted nothing to do with them.
Strength in Marriage: Liz and Rob's Journey
00:33:20
Speaker
Nothing. I just couldn't even because they were so happy to see us. And I was like, how could you be happy right now? Like, they're dogs. They don't know.
00:33:31
Speaker
But then later that night, I was feeling a little bit better. I got food into me, which always helps. I'm an emotional eater. So later that night, me and a couple other people went in my bed just to like lay there. And I had pulled out Arias, PJs, and the swaddle that we had her wrapped in. And Remy, I have a video of it. I hope she's the best. ah She started sniffing the clothes and like just showing this huge interest in the clothes and the hat and the blanket. I noticed at that point too that it still smelled like Aria. So, but just Remy just showing something that smelled like her so much love.
00:34:23
Speaker
I just, it warmed my heart so much. And then we brought our son home and she wanted nothing to do with him. So that really knocked her down a couple of pegs. extra that But she just, it's like she knew that like, I loved these things so much. So she was like, let me understand why. I loved that. But yeah, I mean, that's how everything was from waking up the morning of the fifth to coming home. on the eighth. How? How was your marriage after that? Honestly, it was great. Like, and I remember like, when they said, we're gonna go get your husband, I remember being like, this is it. We're done. We're never gonna make it out of that. Like, at that point, we were married for three years, I think almost three together for 11.
00:35:19
Speaker
And I was like, this is going to be the thing that breaks us. There's no way we're going to get through something like this. And and when I decided that that was completely the wrong thinking, he he was the best caretaker. I mean, you can ask anybody. Rob is an amazing man.
00:35:43
Speaker
yeah I'm gonna get like this if I if we talk about my son too. Oh god. He just he didn't want the nurses to be the one to take care of me. So if I had to go to the bathroom, he took me to the bathroom. If I had to get washed up, he gave like he took me to get a shower. It was an even like when we got home, he was helping me off with the toilet. He was just helping me do everything. But in the hospital, the day that everybody was there, he took me to the bathroom and he's kneeling in front of me. And I feel like it's a weird situation because a part of you just wants a baby so bad. Like, I just want to hold a baby. But then the other part of me was like, no, I want that baby. I want that baby.
00:36:42
Speaker
And he understood both sides. And I was sitting there and I started to get emotional. He said, you will get a baby. We will have another baby. But then the entire time we were there, he was showing his daughter so much love that I knew he understood that he also wanted her. yeah And he just never let me do anything on my own. All while he's going through this too, but it made our marriage stronger.
Balancing Grief and Partnership
00:37:14
Speaker
We um we actually fought more after we had Oliver than when we went through something like this. You know, during COVID, it got hard.
00:37:25
Speaker
Because he was still working, I was home alone, I was getting a little depressed. But it really wasn't anything like I thought it was going to be. And I'm so happy we I was so wrong. That's amazing. Yeah, no, he's, if you like could offer advice to someone like on on tips on like how to work through this in your marriage or um, I remember like when it was COVID, we had started grief counseling the week before COVID like locked everything down. So we went to counseling and then we only did through two more sessions after that, which we probably should have done more, but I was, no, no, thank you. um So I would say,
00:38:15
Speaker
It's so much easier said than done being four years out. Like realizing there was a time where me and Rob started to grieve differently. And what we had to do is we had to realize kind of like love languages in a way. I don't know if you've heard about those, but like we had to realize what that other person needed and take a step back from ourselves and give that person what they needed. So that then they could reciprocate and give us what we need. So, but i mean that's so much easier said than done. Like, I mean, I feel like it's so hard to give advice because being in it, I didn't listen to anything. Like even my therapist, I was like, okay. Like, yeah, let, let me do some reflection.
00:39:06
Speaker
right now, but continue to want to realize how that other person grieves and help them through that process of their grieving. But then like continue to work on the marriage. When you have anything going on in your life that pulls couples apart, you have to actively work at doing date nights or intentional, thoughtful things Because at the end of the day, you're supposed to be together for the rest of your life. And if you don't work on that connection, because it's a choice to keep that connection going is a choice. Obviously, it's different with every circumstance is like, you're not going to choose to be with somebody that's not treating you right. But you have to make that choice every day that you wake up to do something even if it's the tiniest thing to be intentional towards that person.
00:40:06
Speaker
But again, it's hard to take a step back from your own grief and say, what does my partner need today? Yeah. That's hard on any day, let alone when you're doing this. Right? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So. The first thing I thought of when you were saying all that was like the point I feel like you were getting to was basically don't be selfish. You know, don't just think about yourself. Just think of, you know, try to think about the other person. But also like be selfish. Like. i If somebody's saying to you, like things happen for a reason, tell them to go shove that reason. oh No, I just meet with your partner. I know what you're saying. I know, I know, but still like you have to be a little guard your heart, right? Yeah. With everyone else. be so Exactly. With everybody else, with everybody else. Yeah. I remember one time when we posted because I felt like I had to post because we were already getting like the, did she have the baby texts? Right.
00:41:02
Speaker
so I was, that we were still in the hospital when we posted and I was getting a couple like things happen for a reason. Tell me what reason is good enough for you that your kid dies. There is none. You could tell me that Jesus Christ was going to come down to earth, fix everything. I'd be like, I want my baby. yeah Now I want my baby. Like, no, thanks. I'm good. So yeah, it's be selfish, but know when to open that heart, I guess.
Welcoming Oliver: A New Chapter
00:41:31
Speaker
You said if we talked about your son, you would cry some more. No, tell us about Oliver. Yeah. Tell us about Oliver.
00:41:38
Speaker
all god
00:41:42
Speaker
but So we were told, I had like a pre-conceptual appointment. Okay. About like, when can we try to have another baby? I wasn't even sure if we wanted to have another baby, but just in case I had a pre-conceptual appointment with a MFM doctor. When I tell you. That man was so rude, made me feel awful for not having an autopsy done. Like, yeah oh yeah, yeah. If you had it done, I might be able to tell you what the chances of this happening again is, but I can't. We have, we're going in blind. I felt awful, awful after that appointment. But the one thing I took away from it,
00:42:26
Speaker
He said, you have to wait, or you should wait a year before having another baby because you had a C-section. I was like, okay, great. Well, my husband had different plans. And one time I looked at him, I said, you're not supposed to do that. And he was like, ah, what does the doctor know? Well, two weeks later, the night he left for a bachelor, at bachelor party, I took a test and it was positive. Oh my God. So I had to wait. Thursday night, Friday, Saturday, Sunday to tell him. Dang, girl. He's lucky I didn't learn it out to other people. I was with one of our best friends, Amanda. She was like, oh, you want to get sushi? I'm surprised that she didn't know because I love sushi. They're like, oh, I'm not really feeling it. I'm like freaking out. Like there's no way. One time, one time.
00:43:25
Speaker
And this happens. There's no way. And then I'm with my mom. We did. So for that first, uh, tears walk, we, we raised like over $6,000 that year oh my god for our team. We raised a lot of money. I had shirts made. People bought shirts. We donated all of the proceeds to it. So me and my mom and my sister, we were at my house packing up these shirts. I can't tell them. I tell them everything. So I'm sitting here like, Oh my God, I'm freaking out. What is going on? So then that night, Rob comes home. Come to find out for again, I ordered a like rainbow baby shirt, which not the huge biggest fan of that term. I just did it because you know, that's what you do. But.
00:44:17
Speaker
so I ordered that. That is the one and only time that man got a text from Amazon saying your package is out for delivery with a picture of the package. and It never happened before and it hasn't happened since. Your daughter has jokes. Ridiculous. so He kind of found out yeah and he said, like um um I like to prepare. so He said this could be Liz just preparing. Or it could be that something's going on. So I was expecting this huge burst of emotion. And like i it months later, I found out that that's why I didn't get it. um But then that pregnancy was really hard.
00:44:58
Speaker
with all the doctor's appointments and then the stress. But this child is the most amazing little boy that you'll ever meet in your life. Like, and that's not just because he's my kid. He is so happy and he loves so big. He has healed so many people. He is such a pure soul. And like he just, Mommy, I i love you. Or like the other day I hurt my knee and because we my sister got this big blow up thing, this water slide. Rob pushed me down, not realizing I wasn't sitting right. And like, when I got to the bottom, I was like, ah, I was yelling at Rob. But then I was like, oh my God, my knee hurts so bad. And Oliver's like, mommy, mommy, mommy. Just, I can't stop thinking about it, because it was so cute. Panicking, sliding down this slide, trying to get to me to make sure that I was okay. And like, that's just,
00:45:58
Speaker
He's been like that since he came out, just loved so loudly so that you just know that everybody says it.
Healing with Oliver and Support Staff
00:46:08
Speaker
When he talks to you, you feel like you're his favorite person on the planet. And he's just healed so many people after having this really awful thing happen to us. I can't, I can't even say enough amazing things about this child. he I'm looking at a picture of him hugging our Arya molly bear. Oh my gosh. Look how cute. Is it a molly bear? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. How much did she weigh? He's so cute.
00:46:42
Speaker
seven pounds, 14 ounces. She was a big child. oh How much was he when he was born? Seven six. Okay. That's funny because usually the second ones are bigger. He was a week earlier. Okay. Because you had to schedule it. Keeping us on our toes. Well, we had it scheduled. And then the and the same doctor is the one that had to make the call that made me feel like crap. He was hey having late decelerations. So on the day I turned 36 weeks, he was having late decelerations. So the doctor had to come in. And I knew something was off already. Because normally they're just like, okay, go get your biophysical profile, and then you can leave.
00:47:24
Speaker
They told me to wait and the doctor came. He was like, so this is happening. So you're going to have your baby today. I was like, huh? He said, obviously seeing the panic on my face. He was like, aren't you scheduled for a C-section tomorrow? I said, tomorrow. Not today. yeah yeah Tomorrow. I am mentally prepared for tomorrow. He said, well, you're not leaving the hospital. Whether whether they decided to do it tomorrow and keep you like monitored all night. He said either way, you're not leaving the hospital. so Yeah, so apparently that could be because the placenta is failing. Now when Aria passed, they said that the placenta looked great. So I don't know if that has anything to do with each other. if it
00:48:14
Speaker
correlated in any way? There's an episode, we've talked about it before on here with another mom, but a different podcast. They have a doctor that just specializes in, if she had had an autopsy, obviously she didn't. um These families can like send him their their slides of their placenta and he'll tell you like if there's anything wrong with it. and he said that um it's unfortunate that more doctors don't scan people late in pregnancy because you can just look at a placenta and it looks fine and you wouldn't be able to tell but it could be too small. um He said there's like basically like the size of the placenta could be too small for the baby. um There's just some things so like they said something with your son. It definitely could have been that. Yeah. um the I know somebody who had her, I don't remember
00:49:03
Speaker
I don't remember her name. I don't know remember where she gave birth, but they sent her placenta. I think like Princeton or something. It's probably Dr. Kliman. Dr. Kliman. Yeah. yeah is in Yeah, not really sure. But she had a genetic thing with her placenta, but it never would have been found if they didn't send it to Princeton. Exactly. Yeah. So like they looked on, they looked at it. They did slides of it. They said everything looked good, but yeah I mean, the girl that I talked to said like 10% or like 40% some number of placentas look fine, even if there's something wrong with them. Okay. Yeah. So. And with the late decelerations, that always means placenta is not working, right? So that's why they always. It's a late deceleration means. So there's like, it's like a drop in the baby's heart rate. It's very subtle. And it comes like at the top of the contraction. So the contractions at the top,
00:50:03
Speaker
And as the contraction reaches the top on the monitor, the D cell starts and it's real little. And you could like, you really have to pay attention to your fetal heart monitor to see it, but it's the worst one. And so like when someone's having lates, even like the big, like the prolonged D cells are bad, but they usually will recover. The lates mean the placenta is not working and the baby- Shoot for the fences over here. Yeah. What's that? I said, I'm always shooting for the fences over here to make a situation. I can't believe that happened to you. And usually, like, it'll be like a very urgency section or a stat C section. So yeah, and I mean, like, so I was at the MFN that's connected to the hospital. So I took, I just walked right over there. And then they had me hooked up the entire time. Yeah, so they and they said, like, if anything happens, we can just rush you in. Yeah. Because Rob wasn't there.
00:50:56
Speaker
Oh, that man, he was two hours away. Oh, yeah. They, and again, to talk about the nurses, Rob did not freak him out. I said, it's not an emergency. Just come, you need to get here, but like, don't freak out. Everything's fine. So he drove two hours home and then proceeded to clean our house. So he got there. I said, where were you? He said, I was cleaning the house. I said, I told you to get here.
00:51:28
Speaker
yeah ah there Oh, I'm sorry. So this is also the man that ripped apart our kitchen when I was 30 weeks pregnant. So we had no kitchen with a newborn coming home. Oh my gosh. So it's just form of for his form of a nesting. That's his lovely. and Yeah, it is. So the nurses, everybody set up their schedule to be there for the C-section on Friday. oh geez oh So Jessie was working on Friday. Miranda was working in the night before so that she could be the one to like intake me and make sure everything was ready. right Everybody was set to work that day. So then I texted everybody. I said, Hey, surprise just to let everybody know.
00:52:22
Speaker
And like, Ashley, who she wasn't in my nurse, but she kept checking on me throughout the entire time I was in the hospital with Aria. She was already there, so I was getting changed into a gown. And when I walked out, she was standing there. I just started to sob, I love her. Um, but she was standing there when I walked out from getting changed and I just started to cry. I was like, I'm so happy you're here goes alone. Like Rob wasn't there yet. So she was, she had to fight some, some people for you, but you're mine. So then Miranda, who had to work overnight came, Jesse came. My ah scrub nurse, I think is the term.
00:53:06
Speaker
The nurse that like scrubbed in and like to help with the C-section, Shannon, she was the same. um Dawn. Dawn wasn't there, but she came I think that night or the next day to visit. Tori was working and she ended up also being Oliver's baby nurse. She was Oliver's and Aria's baby nurse. And it was just the most amazing. So everyone, ah except for my doctor, and I think the pediatrician doctor was the same from Aria's delivery to Oliver's delivery.
00:53:46
Speaker
And it was just like a big party in there. It was awesome. Just to have so many people in one room that just loved this little child coming out. And then same thing, like it was because we had so much people in the hospital at all times, everybody knew us. So. people who I didn't know were coming into our room and being like, Oh, I got to bring your water, like VIP clients, which like, I'm not, I'm not the huge on i like attention and of that kind. So I'm like, Oh God, please don't say that. But like, everybody was so excited for this little child to be born. And he deserves it. He was he's just a gift. He is a gift and he is exactly what we needed. And for
00:54:39
Speaker
a long time the through the eyes of a lion book says like God did not do this to you but he will use it in some way to better your life or somehow give you purpose through this really bad thing and I have to say like there's no other explanation for getting pregnant on one try. It's not even like the first month, multiple times, one try, one chance. And then this child being exactly what we need to pull us out of this darkness and give our life happiness again.
00:55:18
Speaker
it has to be sent from heaven the universe whatever you believe in he has to be a gift so yeah it's just really cool to see that because that's the only way i can explain that it's really important for like the nurses and the staff to be a part of that because it's a full circle moment because um it's very I mean obviously it's traumatic for you but as a as a nurse or as as an you know someone supporting wow most families it's a healing to get that full circle moment um because ultimately we want to see you have that healthy baby. yeah We want to see you smile.
00:55:58
Speaker
um yeah So it's really healing. and I know and that's probably why they all wanted to be there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's so special. And it's not all the time they get that because some place some people associate the the place where they lost their baby. And they can't go back. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So yeah it's not all the time that the staff get that. So that's great that you went back. Yeah, I mean, that's and that's another reason why I say like, I wouldn't want to go anywhere else because the hospital, the staff, everybody was just so great at supporting us through a really bad time. So
Advice for Families Experiencing Loss
00:56:33
Speaker
like it was, I wouldn't want to go anywhere else, but I loved it. I mean, I hated it, but yeah I loved it all at the same time. When is Oliver's birthday? May 13th. May 13th. What year? 2022. 2022. Okay.
00:56:48
Speaker
okay Yeah. So they would be exactly 15 months apart. fifteen months apart no Yeah. And it, you know, something I really struggled with was having another kid. I was talking to my friend Lauren when Lauren came over for the first time after we left the hospital. And she's like, I love my husband. I do. I really, really do. Lauren is my soulmate. Like I love her. She is the, to my person, I can count on her, I can count on Rob. But like, you know, a friend sold me is just different. She is just a resource that not a lot of people get is to have somebody that kind of understands. And I'm really close with her mom. So I was able to talk to her mom a lot about it. And to get like perspective of somebody who, I think Allison would be 20 years old.
00:57:45
Speaker
22 something like that So to like be able to talk to somebody about it that like went through it so long ago was a good thing to have and I know not a lot of people get that so um I was blessed in that way as well. Is there anything else you wanted to say before we end or um I guess if I wanted to say something to families that are going through this or went through it forever ago is like no matter how much time goes by, no matter how many kids you have after or before or what other people say or make you feel like that child that you lost, they will never not be your child. They will never not be your baby. And it didn't happen for a reason.
00:58:38
Speaker
And nothing great has to come out of it. But I've heard, you know, you're not given anything that you can't handle. That's a load of crap. But if you're religious, if you're not, the universe, God, whatever you believe, chose you to love this baby for the rest of your life. It's a burden. It's not easy. And sometimes two years ago, on her birthday, me and Rob ran away to Mexico because I didn't want to deal with it. So it's not always the easiest thing to do, but somebody chose you to love this child because you're the only one that can love that child that way. That's needed. So I guess that's the only thing. I just want to remind people that they're always your, always your baby, no matter how much time goes by, no matter how people, you know, say their name, don't say their name, continue to say their name and continue to keep that memory alive.
00:59:35
Speaker
Well, thank you, Liz so much. It was really nice to talk with you. I know. Yeah. and It was nice to meet you. And I said, I see you again. That's right. You again after four years. I know. I know four and a half. Thank you so much for tuning into the latest episode of the blindsided podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at Nicole with the blindsided.com or Desiree at the blindsided.com. For more episodes, make sure to follow on your favorite podcast app. Just search the blindsided podcast and hit that follow button. You can also connect with us on social media too. You can find us on Facebook and Instagram at the blindsided podcast. We love engaging with our listeners and hearing your thoughts on each episode.
01:00:23
Speaker
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