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Ep. 90: Teenagers and self esteem: how to unlock teenage confidence
327 Plays8 months ago
We've talked a lot about anxiety on the podcast. In this episode, Marneta Viegas talks about how "crippling" self-esteem got the better of her as a teenager. If this is you - or your child - have a listen, and find out what can be done to help teenagers relax.
Marneta tells me about her father's sudden death when she was a teenager, and how that filled her with guilt - another self-esteem thief.
19:20 - Strategies for improving self-esteem and helping teenagers relax
Who is Marneta Viegas?
Marneta is the founder of Relax Kids Ltd - a leading expert on children's relaxation. She has been running her relaxation programme for the last 25 years and it has helped over 5 million children at home and in school. Marneta has written 20 children’s meditation books and has recorded over 500 meditation audios. She has developed a unique (award winning) 7 step method to teach children to self-regulate and manage their anxiety. Marneta’s father died suddenly when she was 18, just before she went to university. I’m going to ask her about her relaxation programme, and for her tips on how – as parent’s – we can help our teens learn to relax more.
More teenage parenting from Helen Wills:
Helen wills is a teen mental health podcaster and blogger at Actually Mummy, a resource for midlife parents of teens.
Thank you for listening! Subscribe to the Teenage Kicks podcast to hear new episodes. If you have a suggestion for the podcast please email [email protected].
There are already stories from fabulous guests about difficult things that happened to them as teenagers - including losing a parent, becoming a young carer, and being hospitalised with mental health problems - and how they overcame things to move on with their lives.
You can find more from Helen Wills on parenting teenagers on Instagram and Twitter @iamhelenwills.
For information on your data privacy please visit Zencastr's policy page
Please note that Helen Wills is not a medical expert, and nothing in the podcast should be taken as medical advice. If you're worried about yourself or a teenager, please seek support from a medical professional.
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Transcript
Introduction to Teenage Kicks Podcast
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to the Teenage Kicks podcast where we take the fear out of parenting or becoming a teenager. I'm Helen Wills and every week I talk to someone who had a difficult time in the teenage years but came out the other side in a good place and has insight to offer to parents and young people who might be going through the same.
Moneta Viegas: Founder of Relax Kids
00:00:30
Speaker
Moneta Viegas is the founder of Relax Kids Limited, a leading expert on children's relaxation.
00:00:38
Speaker
She's been running her relaxation program for the last 25 years and it's helped over 5 million children at home and in school. Marneta has written 20 children's meditation books and has recorded over 500 meditation audios. She's developed a unique award-winning seven-step method to teach children to self-regulate and manage their anxiety.
00:01:04
Speaker
Moneta's father died suddenly when she was 18, just before she went to university. I'm going to ask her about her relaxation program and for her tips on how, as parents, we can help teenagers learn to relax more. Moneta, welcome to the podcast. Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:01:24
Speaker
Well, thank you for reaching out. We have talked about anxiety quite a bit on the podcast. And usually that's with someone who has a personal experience of anxiety and is able to show young people that it's not the end of the world. There is a way through to the other side and
00:01:48
Speaker
A couple of my guests actually have said you've got to see it to be it. And they men, women in tech, or gay individuals who you can relate to. Those are the two specifics in recent episodes. But I think it's true with everything. So you can be a person with anxiety.
00:02:09
Speaker
And make it through those really quite intensely anxious or anxiety-inducing teenage years.
Impact of Loss on Self-Esteem
00:02:17
Speaker
And be a successful adult, and it doesn't have to be the end of the world. It's just about coping strategies and how you approach what's going on in your life, I think, isn't it? But that's me. That's what I... You're the expert. Tell me, how does that land with you? Absolutely. Well, anxiety has not really been personally my thing. I wouldn't...
00:02:39
Speaker
say that's my overriding thing. I would say self-esteem has been, low self-esteem has been my theme, if you like. I think we all come with one theme that we've picked up from our childhood. And I would say it would be more on the low self-esteem.
00:03:00
Speaker
And yeah, absolutely, it would come from teenage, but beyond, definitely rooted in early childhood. Oh, you're speaking my language. I'm constantly working on self-esteem and I've come a long way, but...
00:03:17
Speaker
Yeah, God, my teenage years, probably I was already struggling with self-esteem without knowing it, and my teenage years just made it even worse. I would say crippling. You know, when people say crippling anxiety or crippling self-esteem, I would say that would be the right word. I remember being at uni, I went to performing arts school, so I must have been good enough to get into, uh,
00:03:44
Speaker
I did full-on in the 80s fame school, I went to performing arts college, full-on dancing on tables, and then I went to university to do a performing arts degree. Not many of these at the time, so you have to be good to get in.
00:04:01
Speaker
Every single lunch hour, I would be in a piano room. There'd be a whole load of piano rooms, and you'd go alone to practice, and I would just be in floods of tears, feeling the worst there, thinking, I need to leave. Everyone's so talented. What am I doing here? Yeah. Wow. Gosh. I mean, that's not what I was planning to ask you about next. Let's go there, because...
00:04:28
Speaker
Yeah, I remember watching Fame as a kid in the 80s. It was not a film, guys. It was what you'd call a box set these days, but it was a weekly show with these really crazy, wacky, talented young American kids, or kids, teenagers, young adults who
00:04:48
Speaker
did all this dancing on tables and a bit like high school musical. And I remember thinking they were the coolest thing, but I can't actually remember whether any of them had crippling anxiety and self-esteem.
Self-Esteem and Fame
00:05:00
Speaker
I imagine those people have got all of the confidence, but that wasn't so for you. No, no. And I think if you interview a lot of very famous
00:05:14
Speaker
celebrities even, and, Jeanine, if you scratch beneath that surface, there is crippling anxiety. I think even the highest you go, the more the anxiety and the feelings of low self-esteem can be there, because in that world, you are only as good as your last job. You know, this constantly, especially now, when you're up and coming young stars, just to remain on that level
00:05:44
Speaker
It must be so incredible and I think it's like we need to turn this whole thing on its head that we are a success in our own right and it doesn't have to be on some sort of scale with other people. Yeah, no, that's a really good point and comparison syndrome gets talked about a lot online these days and
00:06:08
Speaker
It's been going on for centuries, I reckon, comparing ourselves to people that we think are more successful, prettier, cooler, more popular, cleverer than we are. And there's definitely something about learning to be absolutely fine with exactly who you are.
00:06:29
Speaker
But I wonder how we do that. You're going to help us understand that, I'm hoping, as we go through talking about relaxing. I'm imagining relaxing into our own skins as being part of it. Maneta, can we talk about your teenage years a little bit before you went to university? What life was like for you growing up?
00:06:51
Speaker
Um, yeah, so I think there was, I think there was like a double sided thing on the outside. Everything seemed fine. Definitely teenage years. I had, I was very, very privileged. My parents, they really worked very, very hard to send me to private school.
00:07:11
Speaker
And so my father, bless him, he was not well, he was much older than my mother. So he had two heart attacks, one when I was little, and then one before I was born actually, and then one when I was little.
00:07:28
Speaker
And so he lost his job with the government, with the British Embassy. We were meant to go to Brazil. We've been in Iran. And so he couldn't find a job. So he was working for people in care homes. And he did art. And so you could just feel his, you know, his own self-esteem. And I'm sure I picked it up. So they worked so hard. And I went to public, private school. And again, I just felt
00:07:58
Speaker
I just didn't feel good enough and I wasn't good enough for him. My maths wasn't good enough for him. My English was on my own levels. I came out with great own levels but it wasn't straight A's. So I think that's where it was this constantly feeling I just was not good enough because
00:08:19
Speaker
My father's put everything on the line for me to be maybe a doctor because he came from an Indian background. So that's what the immigrant Indians would do. Their children would put them in private school and
00:08:36
Speaker
and they'd be doctors or dentists. My mother was English, so she came from a farming background, so a very interesting mix at the time in the 60s and then 70s. Of course, in the 70s, there was bullying, racial issues, because I was one of the only dark-skinned girls in a very white middle-class upper class.
00:09:04
Speaker
you know, school. And so there was, there was that also, to add to that, my mother was quite spiritual. And so we were vegetarians, not my father, but my mother. So she almost embraced more of the Indian things. Whereas my father was desperately trying to be English. And so I think I've been this sort of like really
00:09:32
Speaker
I've actually not known where I am. Just as I've spoken to you there, I've known about this, but this sort of, this, you know, that Cadesias thing of the snakes, you know, the push and pull. And so this has been an inner struggle with my own self. You know, I sound very English, but I look very Indian. And so, yeah, so the bullying, and I was going to say being a vegetarian in the 70s and 80s.
Cultural Influences and Challenges
00:10:01
Speaker
Oh, my goodness.
00:10:02
Speaker
They literally just picked up the meat from my plate and handed it. That was being a vegetarian. You know, I'll take the ham off. And so here's the vegetables. Yeah, no fun at all.
00:10:16
Speaker
So all these things I think contributed to, yeah, just not looking like I so wanted to look. I had a friend and this is ridiculous. She has an Indian father, English mother, and she had alabaster white skin and dark hair and she looked English. And I just, why can't I look like her?
00:10:37
Speaker
And this constantly trying to whiten my skin with incredible, isn't it? And this just before social media, can you imagine what that must have been like if you could see in front of you, if I was on Instagram seeing all these beautiful girls and... Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well,
00:11:00
Speaker
We've got an episode way back in the early first or second season of the podcast with a lady talking about what it was like to be biracial as well, because she similarly had a white mother and a black father. And she said that's even worse in some ways than being
00:11:25
Speaker
subjected to racism as a black person or a brown person, that's even worse because you don't know who to ally yourself with. And so you talking there about your identity being quite confused. I imagine that played a part as well. But then, yeah, vegetarian in the 70s wasn't a thing.
00:11:45
Speaker
And your dad was doing a totally different thing and had a different goal for you than your mum. That must be linked with self-esteem, not having self-identity clearly marked for you. Yeah. And I just remember an overriding thing, and I'm sure parents will hear this, that I remember slamming the door going, nobody understands me.
00:12:10
Speaker
And if the door didn't slam properly, because it was a funny door, I'd have to go back and slam it again. Right, yeah. Nobody understands me. A famous teenage phrase anyway, no teenager ever felt like they were understood. I'm convinced of it, but it must have been even more tricky for you with confusing identity things going on and yeah, different aspirations for you from your parents.
00:12:37
Speaker
Definitely with my mother taking on a very spiritual getting into yoga and spirituality. So she became, you know, she was quite to my friends, she became a bit strange. Yeah, oh God, you really don't want your parents to be different. We don't want anything about you to be different. It's just even more embarrassing than having a parent in the first place when you're young. Some of the things that she would come up with in front, I'd take friends home and you just want to die.
00:13:06
Speaker
you know over the top sort of this spiritual stuff oh dear oh well well done for you for taking them home i just didn't bother oh gosh moneta yeah i understand why um relaxation has become such an important deal for you and we'll get onto that but um
00:13:26
Speaker
Can you tell us a little bit about what happened to your dad and how things felt for you when he died? Yeah, so I was 18 and I remember sitting at the breakfast, we had breakfast together, then I wanted to go into town to go to the Laura Ashley sale.
00:13:46
Speaker
And so he dropped me off and I remember turning, I remember this moment, looking back, thinking, you look tired. There was just like, there was something. And then he, on the way home, he had a heart attack in his car. He crashed with a van outside his Catholic church. So his priest actually came up. So it's amazing.
00:14:08
Speaker
But I didn't know and so I was there happily shopping in Laura Ashley spending the afternoon or when however long came home and my younger sister Maria who was 15 and my mum they were white and they said you know dad has passed away and I just sort of froze and my immediate feeling was guilt.
00:14:31
Speaker
that my sister, my little sister, who she was definitely daddy's girl, she had to go to the mortuary to identify and do all that. And so there was, it was like a frozen and guilt. And I think I held onto that guilt for a very, very, very long time. Yeah. Yeah. And, and again, you know, it sounds strange, but at the funeral,
00:14:59
Speaker
because my mum was into a spiritual faith, she'd said not to cry. I remember being in the hearse and she said, don't cry. You know, his soul, it's all about the soul and all that sort of stuff. And I did the reading. I did the reading at the funeral. And the funeral was incredible because they had five coach loads of, at the time, you'd call them handicapped now because that was the 80s. Now it would be special needs.
00:15:28
Speaker
because it was the place, daycare for the handicap. And they were all in there, so that room was so full of all those people sending, you know, that love. You know, this man, he'd given his time to help them through art. But, you know, he still felt, I know he felt, oh, he didn't achieve in his life what he wanted to. But for me, it was frozen. So I never cried. I didn't, I didn't mourn a loss for my father. Yeah.
00:15:57
Speaker
And I think later on that catches up with you. Um, maybe when you lose somebody else or, um, yeah. Yeah. I want to talk about that. I'm just thinking about not being able to mourn, not being able to cry, feeling like you weren't allowed to cry. Possibly. But then I think it was just sort of like a,
00:16:25
Speaker
I also, I can't put that on to anybody else, because I think there was a shutting down. Yes. Because that's another method, isn't it? Of complete shutting down. Yes. And moving on. Shutting down, distracting, denying, it's part and parcel of the phases of grief. But you have to... To grieve healthily, you have to move on from that. And so many people...
00:16:53
Speaker
especially back then. I'm really hoping it's different now, but so many people in my age bracket really don't want to feel their feelings. And bereavement is, in another world, I'm a counselor, and bereavement's one of my specialisms.
00:17:10
Speaker
And people are, especially in the UK, Western world, I guess, are so conditioned to not being allowed to show their grief, whether that's been put on them by someone else or whether it's an expectation they've built up of themselves through childhood.
00:17:28
Speaker
We all used to get told, don't cry, it's fine. Or we were distracted as a child from crying with a fizzy drink or a lollipop or something. And so that's where we learn to eat our feelings, drink our feelings, squash our feelings. And what I've learned is that our feelings don't ever go away and we don't process them.
00:17:52
Speaker
if we keep squashing them, swallowing them, hiding them. We have to be allowed to be with our feelings.
Power of Affirmations
00:18:01
Speaker
Absolutely. And as you're speaking, you know, that's one thing my father and many men...
00:18:08
Speaker
especially at that time, didn't show his feelings. I don't think he really was able to show how much he loved me. Putting me in an expensive school was as far as that was. But I remember distinctly being on stage. I was in a young people's opera company and I usually had the lead. And I remember him being at the front
00:18:34
Speaker
on the front row, and I was singing away, and I looked down, and he had his hand over his mouth, and it was like he was squashing his pride. You know, it's like he didn't want to show how happy and proud he was. In Relax Kids and Charge Up for Teens, this is why I really stress the affirmation part of it, because children need to hear these words of affirmation, the positive words,
00:19:04
Speaker
as much as possible, because even if we don't feel it, as long as it's going in, we are sponges. Particularly, it needs to start from a younger age. Yeah, no, that's true. And you're right, actually, affirmations, I'm thinking of the cliched phrase, fake it till you make it. It actually is true.
00:19:28
Speaker
And in counseling, we call it act as if. So my therapist will often say to me, just why don't you just try acting as if you love yourself? Oh yeah, that's right. And you act as if you love yourself until you genuinely notice that you love yourself. And it works.
00:19:46
Speaker
But also words have a vibration to them. So when we say, I hate, I hate, I hate, it's like, that's why it's called spelling. It's called spelling because it is spelling. It's like we're putting spells into the atmosphere.
00:20:05
Speaker
Oh, right. And this is very woo woo, but it has been scientifically researched. Really? Yeah. I don't know whether Dr. David Hamilton has looked into this aspect. He's looked into, I think so, because I think he's written a book called Why Woo Woo Works or something. Right. I mean, he gets all the research and all this spiritual stuff. But yeah, so.
00:20:27
Speaker
In terms of, yeah, we're sending out spells into the world. So if we send out the spell of, I love myself, even if we don't feel it, but very often we send, I myself will be sending out the spell, Oh, I hate this about myself. Oh, I'm no good at this. And so of course it's going to come back. It's what we send out comes back to us. And I think this comes, comes very much in, in parenting.
00:20:53
Speaker
It's like, you know, our inner frustrations, what we're sending out verbally, but also through our, like a transistor radio, we pick up on each other's energies. And so when we're in a state of stress, our children, our teens will pick that up. When we're hating things, they will pick that up. And we just, we sort of like,
00:21:20
Speaker
Energize what's the word, synergy between each other. So if one person's sending this out, then they'll pick up and that's how it works. Because our nervous systems are talking to each other even if we don't say anything. Oh, no, that's true. I mean, that's why we get a sense and an instinct around someone or something, isn't it? Our bodies know before our minds know. Absolutely. So going back to your fake it till you make it act as if.
00:21:47
Speaker
So, yeah, I will act as if I love myself and then say those words. Yeah. I'm just thinking about what you said about not having been about it coming back to bite you. That wasn't your words, but that's what I interpreted. You didn't mourn at the time when your dad died and it came back to haunt you.
00:22:09
Speaker
That must have been a really difficult time to be leaving home when something so catastrophic and fundamental had happened in the family. How did you approach that and what happened for you when you went to university?
00:22:23
Speaker
Um, I think I literally just shut the door to home. Right. I don't think I even went back. Right. I might've gone back once for Christmas, but then I didn't, I didn't just didn't go back. I made my new life and I became super independent. I didn't ask my mother for anything.
00:22:44
Speaker
You know, from that age, I made my own
Struggles with Independence
00:22:49
Speaker
money. We were very lucky. In those days, we had grants. We did. Was it £2,000? It wasn't a lot, but it was a lot more than they get now.
00:23:04
Speaker
And then my rent was paid and I got little jobs here and there cleaning or working for the theater. So I was fine. And I was independent, but I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy. And I felt very at sea and very alone. I went to the Welsh College of Music and Drama for one year.
00:23:28
Speaker
And so I studied music for teaching. But then after one year I left and I got into a former arts school in Middlesex University. And in both places, I just didn't really, wasn't able to connect with anyone. So yeah, now as I say it, that lack of
00:23:52
Speaker
Losing that main connection almost broke off many connections, if that makes sense. Yeah, it does. And I'm thinking about the fact that you said you shut everything down and you became independent. So I imagine you closing yourself off to connections. Absolutely. Yeah. I'm saying it, I'm thinking about, you know,
00:24:21
Speaker
teenagers who really have really struggled with home and then they leave and they become so independent. It's sort of like, you know, we just
00:24:35
Speaker
We'll just fend for ourselves, no matter what. Yeah. And actually, and it's applauded, isn't it? Schools talk about it in terms of resilience. Like, can you get over this friendship issue, this knee scrape on the playground? Can you just... But it is... I'm hesitant to say it, because resilience is a quality that we need in life. But there is an element, if we take it too far, of denying the fact that it
00:25:02
Speaker
really hurts and you feel sad for yourself when you've scraped your knee on the playground and you should be allowed a moment to cry. I think it's getting better now, but we as parents, I didn't raise my kids to show their feelings because it's not how I was raised, but I regret it so much now.
00:25:24
Speaker
Yeah, independence is applauded, but actually there's a dark side to independence that means people often don't have those connections. And the dark side also will be that everything gets turned on yourself. So you're the one doing all the work. I was the one out there surviving
00:25:48
Speaker
But it's just me, it becomes you against the world actually. Yeah. Yeah. And then everything's a battle and where's the time for self and relaxation? And there we have SegWade right into what we used to talk about. So where did things shift for you? When did you start to think about relaxation being important?
Evolution of Relax Kids
00:26:12
Speaker
Um, so I left university and then I went straight to, I never interviewed for a job. Um, and I started a business entertaining children and over 10 years I noticed a change in their behavior.
00:26:27
Speaker
They just weren't sitting still. They weren't listening. They weren't concentrating. They were more hyper. And this is in the early nineties to the end of the nineties. And I thought, they need to meditate. Having learned from my mother from when I was 12, I thought, I wonder if we need to do meditation. And I started researching very hard to research at those times because we didn't have the internet as we do now.
00:26:54
Speaker
And I couldn't find anything, meditation for children or relaxation for children. So I thought I'm going to start something and I needed to find a way to make it accessible to children and acceptable to adults. So it's not woo woo and weird and lentil.
00:27:14
Speaker
you know, 70s, 80s, sort of weird. Yeah, well, I'm gonna bring you on to how to get teenagers to relate to all that, because teenagers are notoriously distrustful of anything that they don't already know. Totally. Well, I... Carry on, I interrupted you. No, no. And so I had the idea of turning all the fairy stories into relaxations, because every year I would put on a children's theatre show,
00:27:42
Speaker
taking a fairy story and bringing out all the values from the fairy story. And so, I thought, oh, and it worked with all the fairy stories apart from Little Red Riding Hood, because the wolf was always there. I got this book published, and then I started these classes alongside the books coming out and making CDs. And that's how I sort of tumbled into setting up my next kids, just by thinking, yeah, we need to do something for children.
00:28:12
Speaker
And then as those didn't have anything for teens, because teens were not my area, I always worked for little ones. But as those little ones started growing up and becoming teens, I had to develop new things for teens. And so I developed a charge-up program. And this was the idea of charging up your inner battery.
00:28:33
Speaker
You know because they're always on their phones and then getting them to understand that their phones run out of batteries and just as your phone runs out of battery so you run out, you can't just be you know unplugged all the time you need to plug back in. Yes I love that analogy and it works for young people. It does.
00:28:54
Speaker
and all the positive thinking around that. I created it with a friend of mine, Anna, who was a senior social worker and she was working routines all the time.
00:29:10
Speaker
Um, and they just loved it. And teens will come in going, Oh, you know, what's this? And walking out saying, I get it. I get it. Amazing. And one of my coaches, cause I train, um, to, to, to do, to run relaxed kids classes. You can be a relaxed kids coach or charge up coach. And this is amazing. She's up in, in the north.
00:29:32
Speaker
And there's so much knife crime in her area and she's working with the police doing charge up, but also with the youth justice system. They funded her till the end of 2025 to work with teens to help support them.
00:29:49
Speaker
you know, against all this, this, this, this, this crime and gun, gun, knife, knife crime. And it's just making, it's changing lives. If you've got a link to that, I'll put it in the show notes, because it's interesting to, to learn more about that. We've got an episode on knife crime that I recorded with a young lady who was 17 at the time when we recorded, and she was doing similar kind of outreach work in, um,
00:30:21
Speaker
Newham, the borough of London, because there was a lot of knife crime and gang culture. It's fascinating. And I just, I feel so frustrated because I feel like young people, young adults, teenagers, they just need attention and time and love. And they've lost so much of that. But we're going to get into politics, if I can. Well, although we... What is it? They need...
00:30:48
Speaker
attention, affection, and affirmation. Those three things. Attention, affection, and affirmation. At least start with the affection, attention, because the affection can often, you know, be shrugged off. Yeah.
00:31:04
Speaker
but attention as much as possible and affirmation. Yeah. So Charge Up Teens, that's the teenage program. Tell me, how does that differ from the children's program and what
00:31:21
Speaker
What sort of things do you do? Attention, affection and affirmation, I guess. Tell us what you do. Okay. So the whole concept behind the Relax Kids program, what makes it unique that I set up
00:31:36
Speaker
1999 was there are seven steps to relaxing and we start with movement. So we get rid of all that energy and they move their body. Then they play, play some social games. Then they stretch based on simple yoga stretches.
00:31:53
Speaker
uh they massage each other or themselves they breathe deep breathing which really starts to calm the nervous system down they say the affirmations and then they lie down on the floor and they do them visualizations or meditation no.
00:32:10
Speaker
And the reason why this works is because we're working through their natural energy system, going through the body up into the heart and into the head. And it's only two years after creating this system in this order, can't move the order around, won't work.
00:32:29
Speaker
that I realized, and let's go back to the woo-woo, that it works with the chakra system. Amazing. So the movement is red, which is that feeling grounded and getting into your body. Then we move to play, which is all the creative or sexual energy, but it's the same thing. It's that creativity energy. Then we go to stretching, which is the solar plexus energy, which is here in the solar plexus, which is about balance.
00:32:57
Speaker
And then we go to massage, which is heart giving, you know, um, touching, sending it out through your arms, then breathing the throat chakra affirmations into the third eye chakra into the, um, the crown chakra. So we've worked all the way through the body. And that's why in half an hour, 20 minutes, 45 minutes, we can get even little ones to teens getting it and laying down and often falling asleep.
00:33:27
Speaker
Yeah. And is the theory that they can take that away and recreate it for themselves at home? Absolutely. Yes. It's a skill that they're learning. Yes. It's not like having a massage. I always complain that I go for a massage and I need another one a week later. It never cures me, but I'm imagining that these kids can take this home and use it as a resource for themselves. Absolutely.
00:33:56
Speaker
Children learn it going off into their bedroom and, well, with the little ones, you know, having all the teddies round and doing a relaxed kids class with the teddies or sitting on their bed and going through their breathing.
00:34:11
Speaker
on themselves. So we're giving them these tools, these techniques. It's a toolkit for life. And particularly with the charge-up program, when Anna did the exercises for the seven steps, and Anna wrote the lesson plans, and she said, this is a handbook that every team should have.
00:34:38
Speaker
because it covers boundaries, art of consent, relationships, being positive. It covers the brain, how your brain works, how your body works, everything. And then they have all the tools.
00:34:55
Speaker
as well as that understanding, as well as the analogy of the charge at the phone. That's a very cute picture of kids playing with their teddies and taking them through the programme and kids learn through play, so I can see completely how that works. How did you get through to teenagers who
00:35:18
Speaker
are a little bit less playful and a little bit less trusting than young children. I guess it's just meeting them where they are at, finding the ways in from things that they enjoy already, and maybe starting with one or two exercises.
00:35:42
Speaker
and just drip feeding. I'm just thinking about, I wrote a book for teens, it was called The Imaginarium, or it is called The Imaginarium, and it's this concept that our brain has got lots of corridors and then it leads to, I think there are,
00:36:06
Speaker
let's say 20, I think it's 20, 25 doors. And in each door, there's a chamber and each chamber will sort out any problem that you have. So for example, if you're feeling anxious, you go to the chamber of relaxation. If you're feeling unsure or confused, you go to the chamber of solutions. And in each chamber, the meditation is
00:36:33
Speaker
And they're all very technological, if I've got the word right. So then in their mind, they're right swiping, left swiping thoughts. You know, they've got like a chair and they've got buttons. So I've sort of met them where they are at. Right. Rather than with the little ones, it's like, let's float on boats. Let's go up in clouds. Well, teens are not, that's just like, whereas they can imagine, they can, you know, see themselves in sort of like a almost
00:37:03
Speaker
a games console i'm thinking i'm seeing one of those chairs with yes and like and and each room will be slightly different so that that's the sort of thing i make it sound like an escape room my kids love yeah yeah and actually at the beginning of the book
00:37:23
Speaker
If I think about it, it does look like an escape room. I've listed every single problem that a teen could potentially have, and then which chamber to go to. So it does look like an escape room. Yeah. So it makes logical academic sense as well, which is what they're used to being in school. Right. Where's the solution? Interesting. And what would you say for
00:37:46
Speaker
Parents who know that they've got a teenager who finds it hard to relax, how can we help our own children, our own young adults to develop some easier routes to access relaxation? I would say, I would ask the parent first, are you relaxed? Okay.
00:38:10
Speaker
Right. So your next course is going to be for adults, right? For parents. Well, if you think they always say there's no such thing as a bad dog, it's a bad owner. I'm not saying parents are bad, but it's like, and I know for my dog, my dog is, I have a little rescue terrier who's very anxious.
00:38:32
Speaker
And, you know, I haven't learned how to, you know, manage my own. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. But when I am in a state of calm, he becomes calm. So because our nervous system is going back to that, you know, we're talking all the time. So we cannot say my teen needs to relax.
00:38:55
Speaker
until have I fully relaxed? Have I got a program of meditation? Have I downloaded a calm or an insight app? Am I daily doing my meditation? Yeah. And do I make time for myself? Do I make time for myself? That's my issue. Do I say those affirmations for myself? Yeah.
Parental Role in Teen Relaxation
00:39:20
Speaker
You know, so let's just get, it's like, you know, they, they say this thing where you point a finger, pointing a finger at someone. Well, how many fingers are pointing back at you? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You know, you're not relaxed. Well, yeah. Well, it's like, you send unique, it's like, get the mirror back. I am not relaxed.
00:39:40
Speaker
And that's like full on taking responsibility, isn't it? Well, yeah. And it's quite hard. It's very hard. I want to point out that for parents, it can be quite hard to relax because when we're worried about our kids. Absolutely. It's really difficult to separate our own wellbeing from theirs.
00:39:59
Speaker
particularly because, well, they were part of us, especially mothers. And it's been our instinct to make everything all right for them since the minute they were conceived. And it is part and parcel of growing an independent adult and developing a good adult relationship with your child. But it's, I think, the hardest part of parenting.
00:40:24
Speaker
is being able to separate our own feelings from their feelings and step away and let them live their own lives. So I just want to put that in there, that it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm absolutely with you there. But it's a very good point. Well, yeah, and even if it's like just a short time, like a minute here and a minute there, like, you know, we'll reach for a snack.
00:40:52
Speaker
And it's like, we'll eat a little snack. We'll have like a little snack, snack, relax, you know? Um, moment. Just stop. Go outside. You know, if it's sunny for one moment with a cup of tea and stand at the door and breathe, or just placing your hand. One nice one is one hand here, another at the base of the head. My net has got one hand on her forehead and one on the back of her skull and her neck. Yeah, just, yeah.
00:41:22
Speaker
of the skull sort of near the bottom of the neck. And that's just instantly relaxing. Like grounding. Yeah, grounding, going outside if you can, feet on the grass. That's really super grounding and relaxing, stopping. You know, I think also we've been through a whole wave of mindfulness.
00:41:46
Speaker
I find mindfulness in the whole entirety quite boring and quite hard for us because it's sort of... I love that you say that. Boring is brilliant. So I know loads of people who say that mindfulness is hard and I've learned to be pretty mindful, but it's taken me a lot of effort and it shouldn't. And the effort has been in stopping myself from making it effortful because I'm a perfect... Well,
00:42:15
Speaker
I call myself a recovering perfectionist. So when things come into my head, I'm going, I need to have my head emptied, get it out, get all that out. That's actually not the point, is it? No. Mindfulness is just about noticing where you are in your body and in your head at any time and not following your worries down particular avenues, just letting them. Someone described it to me once as,
00:42:39
Speaker
Uh, every, every thought that pops into your head when you're meditating needs to look like a cloud and clouds just drift across the sky and disappear to off to the periphery. And, and you let them go. You don't try and hold onto them. And that was probably the best trick I ever got from meditating, but you've just told me mindful. This is boring. And I love that. I always think for children trying to sort of like really be that, that real sort of still and, and for me.
00:43:09
Speaker
I just go through with the creativity and give them something, rather than be focusing on your thoughts or seeing them not seeing, let's just sort of like focus on clouds or focus on our internal gaming, make it a little bit more inspiring. But that's for me, other people may like the more simple way,
00:43:38
Speaker
I just like them the more creative way. It depends what switches you on. So I think probably my first experience of mindfulness without even knowing it at the time was when I went on a skiing holiday. And I've heard other people say this, that when you're skiing, that is more of a headrest.
00:43:59
Speaker
than it is when you're lying on a beach. So it's a physically demanding holiday. But because you're spending 80% of your daylight hours trying to stay safe and alive and on your feet, you can't think about the deadline that's waiting at home or the conversation you had with your boss. And my kids love skiing, and I do think that is really their own, their only mindfulness.
00:44:28
Speaker
Absolutely. And I was just thinking on the topic of sort of mindfulness, I wrote this tiny little book and it's called Power Up and
00:44:39
Speaker
And it's, it's, it's basically, um, a hit program for the mind. So high interval intensive training. So there are some exercises and you just do them for a few seconds and then you repeat them. So you just imagine this, you imagine that, imagine this, and that's another way in. Um,
00:45:01
Speaker
Yeah. High intense because I wanted to, that was for teens because I wanted to try and find a different way to get, because teens are often the older teens can be all about the gym and high interval, um, intensive exercise. And so I thought, well, let's go in with that. So going with the gaming, going with the computer, going with the gym analogies. And it's just, again, it's meeting you asked me, how do we get to them? Well, first.
00:45:31
Speaker
my cells and then go in with an angle that they would relate to. Whether it's the gym or the phone, I would say those two big things. Nature, unfortunately, I don't know, I can't speak, but I remember as a teen,
00:45:53
Speaker
Even going to uni, my university was in the most beautiful place. I didn't even notice the trees. We had a lake. I don't think I even went to the lake. And then in Wales, in Cardiff, it was beautiful. I never went to the river. I cannot believe. And so I don't think teens necessarily, I mean, maybe it's changed now. We're not so in touch.
00:46:18
Speaker
I think that's true and or we're just not aware of it because when I was young I remember walking walking the dog regularly with my mom we had a set of fields nearby and I can remember summer evenings when it had been a hot day we walked the dog in the evening I can remember being
00:46:38
Speaker
really enjoying the color of the grass and the sky and the smell of the summer evening. But at the time, I don't think I was particularly focused on it. So I do think there is an age thing. And I often tell this story because it makes me laugh now. We went on a holiday once to Spain, and my parents felt like to me I was 15. It felt like to me that my parents spent the entire week talking about Bougainvillea.
00:47:07
Speaker
and how beautiful Bougainvillea was, because we didn't have any near us and there was loads of it in Spain. And I now catch myself walking around on holiday with my kids going, God, look at the colour of that Bougainvillea. So there's a time for everything and maybe when you're 15 is not the time for relating to nature. But as you're speaking, I'm just thinking,
00:47:32
Speaker
My sister, my little sister, she went on to be a firefighter and she will not meditate, she will not relax. Gardening is her relaxation. And she said, if I have to sit and meditate, it stresses me out, she says. So that's interesting, isn't it? So it might be, you know, listening to some music.
00:47:56
Speaker
is a way in. And actually the silence, because for some minds, when there's so much going on, if you're faced with that, you know, that, that dome of noise inside, it's too stressing. Silence is too difficult. Yeah. So maybe some music, or I'm thinking you can get these lovely colored lights where you've got these laser things and just like something like that, rather than
00:48:24
Speaker
especially if it's forced upon. You can't do, you want any result. No. So first with girls and then meet them where they're at and find nice ways in. Maybe try, I mean, I guess try being in nature. Well, it's try everything, isn't it? And I'm thinking about my daughter, probably her biggest relaxation. She's a complete bookworm and she reads, she gets very absorbed when she's reading.
00:48:52
Speaker
So I doubt she thinks about much else than other than what book she's reading. And yeah, music will be a big one. It was for me. I remember lying on my carpet with my record player getting lost in the music that I enjoyed. So that is a form of mindfulness, isn't it? Absolutely.
00:49:11
Speaker
Yeah, so it's just whichever way in. Really interesting and a completely different sort of take. I'm always looking for practical tips for parents or do this, do this, it's going to help your child. Um, but actually this is, yeah, something of a reframe in terms of be okay yourself and find other angles. And what you're really talking about, and we're kind of doing a complete circle here is connection.
00:49:41
Speaker
and finding ways of mutually relating to each other. And that's going to help with mood and relaxation and good vibes. God, I can't believe I said that. Well, my kids will kill me for that. Kill me. Hate me. My kids will hate me for using the word vibes in public.
00:50:06
Speaker
Do they listen to your podcast? No. I don't know why I'm worried. Of course they don't. It's been really nice talking to you, my little thank you. A really good insight. And, um, where can people find you if they want to find out more about what you do? Yeah, go to relaxkids.com website. Nice and simple. Um, and yeah, uh, there's the information about the charger.
00:50:30
Speaker
And then if you go to the shop, those books, the Imaginearium, Power Up, and there are some MP3s. Relax and Distress is a great one for teens. And there are some emotion ones if you've got anger issues. There's one on self-esteem, there's one on anxiety. Excellent. Yeah. Oh, I think I'm not sure I want to pass those on to my kids. I need them myself. I'm going to go and do that this weekend. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, brilliant. Thank you so much, Moneta. It's lovely chatting to you. Thank you.
00:51:00
Speaker
Thank you so much for listening. I really do appreciate it. Thank you to everyone who's already rated and reviewed the podcast. If you're listening on Apple Podcasts or Amazon, it would mean the world to me if you could leave a review. It really helps get the word out, as well as making me very happy to read what you have to say.
00:51:20
Speaker
If this episode strikes a chord for you, please share it with anyone else you know who might be in the same boat and hit subscribe so you don't miss the next episode. If you have a story or suggestion for something you'd like to see covered on the podcast, you can email me at Teenage Kicks Podcast at gmail.com or message me on Instagram. I am Helen Woods. I love hearing from all my listeners. It really makes difference to me on this journey.
00:51:49
Speaker
See you next week when I'll be chatting to another brilliant guest about the highs and lows of parenting teens. Bye for now!