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Ep. 96: Should you resist the urge to fix things for your ADHD teenager?
314 Plays5 months ago
It can be very isolating when your child is diagnosed with a new and scary condition. It always helps to hear from someone who's been through it beforehand, and today's guest has experienced ADHD with bells on in her family and with her teenager. Claire Quigley West tells us about how her teenage years were affected by undiagnosed ADHD. She goes on to explain her son's diagnosis, and how she is finding the challenge of parenting now she has a teenager with ADHD.
Read the full transcript or watch this episode on Youtube.
Who is Claire Quigley West?
Claire is the host of the podcast All Aboard ADHD, which helps parents navigate the ADHD journey. Her ADHD journey began in 2017, when her son was diagnosed at the age of 6. She also has an 8 year old daughter who she says almost certainly has ADHD, although not yet diagnosed. She also has her own adult diagnosis of ADHD.
Out of a desire to do everything in her power to support her son, and to ensure other parents never felt as alone as she had, Claire founded ADHD Winchester, as a local parent community in 2021. She has since trained as an ADHD coach (working with tweens and teens).
Find Claire at All Aboard ADHD and on Instagram @allaboardadhd.
More teenage parenting from Helen Wills:
Helen wills is a counsellor, a parent coach, and a teen mental health podcaster and blogger at Actually Mummy, a resource for midlife parents of teens.
Thank you for listening! Subscribe to the Teenage Kicks podcast to hear new episodes. If you have a suggestion for the podcast please email [email protected].
You can find more from Helen Wills on parenting teenagers on Instagram @iamhelenwills.
For information on your data privacy please visit Zencastr's policy page
Please note that Helen Wills is not a medical expert, and nothing in the podcast should be taken as medical advice. If you're worried about yourself or a teenager, please seek support from a medical professional.
Episode produced by Michael J Cunningham.
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Transcript
Introduction to Teenage Kicks Podcast
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to the Teenage Kicks podcast where we take the fear out of parenting or becoming a teenager.
00:00:15
Speaker
I'm Helen Wills and every week I talk to someone who had a difficult time in the teenage years but came out the other side in a good place and has insight to offer to parents and young people who might be going through the same.
Claire's Journey with ADHD Begins
00:00:30
Speaker
Claire Quigley Ward is the host of podcasts all aboard ADHD, which she started to support other parents of children with ADHD. Claire's son was diagnosed with ADHD six and a half years ago, and she's since had an adult diagnosis herself. Her son is now 13, so I'm going to ask Claire to share what it's like parenting a teenager with ADHD.
00:00:56
Speaker
Claire, welcome to the podcast. Oh, thank you so much for having me, Helen. I know that you've got all sorts of ADHD stories to tell and your podcast is a brilliant resource for anyone that's kind of new to the diagnosis with their kids and is looking for a bit of support, which is basically what we all do as parents online, isn't it? we We get something in our lives that no one we know is dealing with and suddenly we need to reach out and the internet is a godsend from that point of view. Is that how you started, once ADHD entered your world? ah Yeah, completely. I mean, obviously that was long before the podcast, but that's exactly how it started for me because when my son was diagnosed, he it was only six and a half.
Building Support Through Online Communities
00:01:38
Speaker
And actually that's quite a long time ago, even in the world of social media that we live now. And and I just felt so alone. I didn't know anybody around me in the same boat. Obviously that subsequently changed, but
00:01:51
Speaker
One day I was reading an article, as you do, and it was the first time ever that I felt as though I could see my son in something. And it was written by a woman called and Kate Pears. And she was talking about her own son and her experience with him, who was ah of a similar
Creating Local Support and Podcasting
00:02:08
Speaker
age. And I thought, oh my God, that's it. that's That's him. This is what I'm experiencing. And out of, I guess, pure desperation and loneliness. I sent a message to her, a DM, complete stranger, just to say, oh my God, thank you for writing this because it spoke to me so deeply. um At the time I really, really needed that and that kind of began a dialogue between the two of us. And actually to this day we've never met, but Kate really was that
00:02:37
Speaker
first person to me and who made me feel less alone and just gave me a frame of reference to to start working within and then kind of everything i do in the world of ADHD i think has progressed quite organically really over that time because my way of coping was to really lean into it and to try and learn as much as I possibly could about ADHD. And then I've always been very open about that. And so gradually, more and more people locally would start approaching me, you know, even just at the school gates, whether it was about, you know, could they put their friend in touch with me or it was
In-Person Connections and Shared Experiences
00:03:11
Speaker
about their child? And and that grew. So I started a ah support group, ADHD Winterstar, where I live. And we have got an amazing group there. And that's
00:03:22
Speaker
a really supportive community for parents. and and But even then beyond that, I would still get approached by people asking, could they have a call? Could they meet me for a coffee? yeah um And then the podcast was born because whether you have got a diagnosis or you're in a very, very, very long process of waiting for a diagnosis, um or even actually maybe a bit further along the line and just still feeling a bit that you're not sure what to do next. I just wanted to create a resource for parents that offered both credible up-to-date information about ADHD beyond the stereotypes and the kind of misinformation that we can be fed in the media a lot, but also create a community where people felt that they were connected to others who shared their experience, whether they met them or not. And that's how the podcast came to be.
00:04:10
Speaker
Yeah, there's something about knowing other people who are in the same boat and not just online, but wanting to be in the physical company of those people. Yeah, and physically relieving about being around people who've got the same thing going on as you. And I know this from when my own daughter was diagnosed with a medical condition. um And i knew no what well I knew one person at a great distance who had experience of it. um And I remember in those first few weeks not understanding why the hospital couldn't put me in touch with
00:04:53
Speaker
another 20 people who were going through what I was going through, just wanted to have coffee with them and hear that they also had had their world shattered and see in the flesh that they were now okay. Yeah, absolutely. There's just such huge comfort in it. And I think we've really lost community actually in a real life sense these days. We are kind of more in theory connected than ever, but actually probably less so. and And this is not in relation to ADHD, but I had a similar experience myself. So my daughter had major neurosurgery, only eight months old. She was
00:05:34
Speaker
So young, she had her first general anaesthetic at three months and then underwent this huge s surgery on her spinal cord. And I was in this tiny little, um, pediatric urology ward. I mean, it was so small. I think there was probably only. six beds and that was the first time I really experienced that what you're talking about just being I mean sort of literally I was gonna say locked in a room you're not locked in but in this bubble of a world where actually even though everybody's there for different reasons there was a shared sense of
00:06:11
Speaker
gets the weight and the fear and the risk and just everything that was going on. and But also through that, just a huge amount of comfort because I've never met so many beautifully kind and open people as I did in that room. And they were going through things that most people probably could we' never imagine and or hope would never ever
Claire's Teenage Years and ADHD
00:06:36
Speaker
happen for their children. So I think community is so important and that sense of serving others those because the podcast for me, you know, I do it off my own back. I'm also an ADHD coach, but you know, this is something that I fund myself and put a huge amount of my own time and energy into. as It's just so important to me that I just want to help other people. I don't want them to feel as alone as I did. Yeah, alone is exactly how it feels. I felt completely alone and isolated, worse than alone. And that word isolation is, and I can imagine it must have felt very similar for you. And yeah that's what happens to everyone when something new and scary lands in their world.
00:07:21
Speaker
um We're going to talk a bit more about how things were and how things have progressed for you and your family but um first of all I want to ask the question that I ask everyone to talk to me about and I'm imagining that it might be quite an interesting answer from you. How was your life as a teenager growing up? Oh, I think this is such a big question for me and because I think my teenagers were really mixed bag in the sense that it was almost
00:07:56
Speaker
maybe this is true of all teenagers, almost like having two sides of a coin. So, on one hand, I look back now and I think, God, it's ah an absolute miracle that just from things that happened in my teenage years that I got through them unscathed. I mean, I genuinely mean that. I look back and think, oh my God, and You just don't realise how vulnerable you are at that age. And obviously I subsequently had an adult diagnosis, but I didn't know that I had ADHD at the time. Although looking through that lens now completely makes sense. Right. And then alongside that with this sort of contrasting sense of
00:08:35
Speaker
I've always actually had really a real belief in my ability which is going to sound strange because I'm also I think someone who's struggled with low self-worth throughout my life as a result probably of many things from having undiagnosed ADHD in my teenage years. And yet, underneath this quiet sense of, even though I lack confidence, I'm quite outgoing. And I've also just had that innate drive, so there's always a sense of I had all these really huge ideas and plans and hopes and dreams when I was younger. I get a bit lost along the way, don't know, particularly as you enter parenthood. Yeah, so it was a really mixed bag. As you would expect, maybe you wouldn't, but I think they were two almost very contrasting sides to me as a teenager.
00:09:27
Speaker
Looking back, do you do you did you have any particular challenges that you now can say, oh, that was ADHD that got in the way there or caused me to experience that differently to other people? I think so. I mean, like all teenagers you want to fit in, don't you? and That's so important. But I think if you are a new red virgin and obviously didn't know that at the time you are working so much harder and i think and everything i've learned about ADHD in girls and my own daughter who doesn't yet have a diagnosis but i'm certain that she has ADHD too it's there's a huge amount of masking
00:10:10
Speaker
And I just so desperately wanted to be accepted and probably enough. You know, I guess there was that underlying feeling all the time, although I wouldn't have been able to pinpoint why, that um I didn't think that I was or I was struggling or lacking in some capacity and so I know that I did a huge amount of masking and in a kind of slightly chameleon-esque way so it wasn't that it lacked authenticity because I think the nature of masking is such that it's not
00:10:42
Speaker
It's not that it's not real, you kind of embody it, or I certainly did, but it was as though I was just trying to be accepted in so many different environments that I had almost different skins in each of those worlds. And I know there was a period of time i in my probably mid to mid-teens, I would say, when I think my parents were probably quite worried about me just in terms of people I was hanging around with and things that I was doing. But my mum always says that there was a point where I said to her, you don't think I'm going to be hanging around with these people forever, do you? And she said there was a moment there that
00:11:22
Speaker
It gave her a little bit of, I don't know if peace is the right word, but that sense of, okay, even for me, I could see that this was a now, it wasn't a forever. And that's a very ADHD thing too, you know, we think in now and not now. and ok And that was very much in a now moment. And it was born out of... probably struggling socially in other areas and just gravitating towards a group where there was a sense of acceptance. But as a result of that, you then making choices that unbeknownst to me were dopamine chasing. and and i mean i was never I should say in a caveat that I was never in trouble at school as a as a teenager or with the police or anything like that. But I definitely took
00:12:06
Speaker
risky choices. um I mean, probably a huge amount of that would have been quite impulse driven. I would imagine without really understanding that was the case. But I also know, and sometimes I look back now as I'm in my mid 40s and 44 and I think, God, I'd love a little bit of that invincibility that you seem to have when you're 14. You know, my God, you just Maybe it's a good thing that you don't realise the risks and the vulnerability at that age because, yeah, maybe would we wouldn't survive. So yeah, it was I think there were absolutely choices that were, I want to say made, but I don't even know how conscious some of these things were. I think there was a lot of impulse there.
00:12:45
Speaker
Thankfully, I navigated it unscathed. And, you know, probably a big turning point for me on leaving school at 16 to go on to sixth form college. That was probably a great shift for me too, because I left school, obviously you get a little bit more independence. I think I always thought I was older than I was, you know. Oh, didn't we all? I look at my daughter now. if you eight i did Yeah, I completely did. yeah I think it was a good point for me because I had i had a group of girlfriends who were absolutely still my friends to this day. But I've also, I'm quite a boys girl. I've always had a group of boyfriends. I still do. And and when we went on to sit from college, actually all my girlfriends went to different colleges from me and I went
00:13:31
Speaker
with the boys from my school up to the sixth form and i think that almost began a slight process if i don't know if reinventions the right word but actually then you're starting your narrowing your subject area on you in your interest say you're starting to pick things that. you actually genuinely have an interest in. So that changes your approach to learning, and even though you're still learning a lot about yourself in that environment. And I definitely went through many more of those skins, for want of a better word, for the same reasons of wanting to be accepted and make some choices. And also, I would say, I think allowing people probably to treat me in a way that because of that sense of lacking in my self-esteem, I look back now and think, oh, you know, I can't believe I let people do that to me. but um
00:14:20
Speaker
ah Yeah, there's a lot there's a lot of growing up, isn't there? And I think having had that adult diagnosis now, um whilst it doesn't really change many things for me, I think going forward, just because of having been in this world with my son for a while, it's more the unlearning, I think, or the unpicking you do when you start to reflect back and you learn more about yourself through that ADHD lens. And that's been really interesting journey for me. Yeah, I bet it has. ah I'm just interested as you were talking about getting into scrapes and and thankfully surviving. I'm just wondering if, I mean, we all are teenagers especially and kids generally are really resourceful. I'm just musing. Is there anything about ADHD that, you know, maybe the spontaneity, the impulsivity doesn't, I know it might get you into scrapes, but is there anything about it that
00:15:17
Speaker
Do you think it helps you to be more resourceful? Oh, massively. I think it's probably one of the greatest skills of ADHD. I think all of the challenges and the impairments of the symptoms do have an upside to them. you know I think you took, for example, that and ADHD brains take in a huge amount of sensory information all the time, so whereas neurotypical people are often filtering things out, for someone with ADHD you are taking in everything around you, a sensory level sound, you know, touch, smells, a lot.
00:15:51
Speaker
And so I think there are times when that is phenomenally valuable because it means that you, there's a hyper vigilance there, which is exhausting, but it means you are hyper aware too. And you will pick up on the tiniest nuances and often be very quick to respond in an emergency situation or have an absolute awareness when there's something not quite right or there's something going wrong. right and And actually in that sense, you want that impulsivity or this like two modes in the brain that usually when one comes on board from a task perspective in a neurotypical person the other one quietens down and they they function at the same time in a with in people with ADHD and actually in those moments when you want people to act.
00:16:39
Speaker
actually without thinking, there's massive value in that too. I think it's taught me to, I think I read people very, very well. And at times that's quite tiring too. If I'm honest, there's things sometimes you wish you missed because I can pick up on the tiniest nuances. And I always joke with my husband and that, I mean, it's not quite seeing the future. I'm hardly in that capacity, but it's almost as if I often have this absolute sense of, I know what's going to happen. i can in an instant in my brain, I can play something forward and see the outcome and the eventuality of it, which is tiring, but it's also, I think, a real skill too, if you can apply it. So yeah, I think there's a huge number of amazing resourceful skills that come with ADHD, if you're able to learn how to develop those and and kind of manage the more impairing side of them.
00:17:30
Speaker
Yeah, it was really interesting. I'm just wondering, is there anything that you, looking back, you wish your parents had known, is there anything they could have done that would have made this easier if they'd known what you know now?
Advocating for Educational Support
00:17:46
Speaker
Good question. I think Academically, I'm bright, you know, and I got through with good grades without really honestly putting in a huge amount of effort. By no means, you know, A-stars across the board, it wasn't like that, but I think that, you know, my school reports, as you would expect for someone with ADHD, is very much that.
00:18:11
Speaker
contrasting pictures. So over here you've got, you know, super invested in a subject, working really hard, what I would be calling hyper-focus today, you know, all in, amazing, through to, you know, next week working on something else, isn't concentrating, not making enough effort. And I think about a lot of the times I'm advocating for my son and the interventions that we put in place for him at an academic level, like I think sometimes there's a little bit of me deep down that's almost advocating for myself too. you know I want to change that picture obviously for him and his future, but I think there's a little bit of you speaking up for yourself as a child too. and But also the real interest based stuff. you know I think ah having an understanding of how much power, because yeah
00:18:58
Speaker
People with ADHD have an interest-based nervous system, so if you can unlock interest in somebody with ADHD, then you unlock huge potential and motivation. and right yes I ah absolutely loved drama at school. When I was younger, like drama, acting, and That was my absolute love and I think we don't we didn't have the information available to us then at our fingertips the way we do now right in the early 90s. There was no internet. This stuff would have been much harder to facilitate. um my My parents definitely tried in their own way with what was available but I think
00:19:33
Speaker
being able to channel that and direct that a little bit more in line with my natural interest and my skills versus the sense of and academic expectations. I think there would have been huge value in that and I think it's probably why for me really the biggest change actually started when I went on to university because I took a couple of years out after my A levels and worked for a bit. and then it's because you're picking your own path and then the moment you pick your own path you're shaping your world and your destiny without really understanding i definitely didn't understand that's what i was doing then but um
00:20:10
Speaker
But then things really start to change for you in that sense. And I do i very much understand my parents' motivations. you know They were both born in the early 50s, both from West Coast of Scotland, a completely different environment. And that sense of education was about security and jobs and your future because they had to provide that safety for themselves that they perhaps didn't have. in the way we do growing up. And I completely understand it, but and I've tried very much with my children to really unlock as much as I can in them and who they are and where and help them find their natural interests and then try and facilitate that, but particularly with my son who struggled so much academically. and He's a bright kid, but he's not designed to be in the classroom. He's made to move. And so I've worked really hard
00:21:02
Speaker
to build his self-esteem around his sport, which is his greatest love in life. and So I think it's the low self-esteem, isn't it? If you can find things, everybody is good at something and really help them shape their sense of self around that. That's what I guess I was probably lacking a lot. And I've taken that into my adult years and i'm I'm trying really hard. us not to pass that on. no I want to help them. I want to help them feel good about themselves. Yeah. That's all so interesting. And I find myself resonating with quite a lot of it, which which always seems to happen whenever I have a guest here talking about ADHD.
00:21:42
Speaker
Tell us a little bit about your your son's diagnosis and how that how how things have been for you. And then as a second part to that question, I'm really interested to know what hormonal changes and coming into the teenage years. I appreciate he's a young teenager but what they have done to change the ADHD, if anything. Yes, it's an interesting period, isn't it, when you're entering the early teens? and So he was diagnosed at six and a half and he was very young and his diagnosis was actually almost, I wouldn't use the word accidental, but that's probably, it's not really true. and But compared to the stories that people have nowadays and the the wait list certainly post COVID, it wasn't
00:22:34
Speaker
actually the experience that I had because I never went seeking a diagnosis. I went to the GP with him. um He was six. I had a toddler. I was really struggling. I was on my knees and I thought it was me. I just thought I was an absolutely useless parent. And what am I doing wrong here? Because I just can't seem to get anything to work. And, you know, you I know you shouldn't compare, but you do. You're comparing to what you're doing versus other people and, you know, the results and what's happening. Or what you think other people are doing. Yeah. And what you what you can see, absolutely. yeah we We don't actually really go out to eat that often these days, but in those days, you know, when you're trying desperately to be, you think you can be that parent that's got it sorted. And and we would go out with, like, this makes me laugh. I had this belief that, well, if I just took my children to restaurants from day one, then they would know how to be in a restaurant, which is just absolutely laughable. But I would always be the one with the toddler, you know, under the table, stood in the high chair, you name it. But always next to me would be the two impeccably behaved children. You'd be like, oh my God, you what are you doing to me here, people? Please. So I thought it was me. I went to the GP. and The GP, mercifully, thank God, referred me, went along to see a ah consultant psychiatrist with a pediatric consultant psychiatrist.
00:23:57
Speaker
with my son. And at the end of that first appointment meeting, he said, because I have in those days, did things face to face, I have my son with me and he couldn't sit still, you know, six, like bouncing off the walls and interrupting constantly. He said, do you know, I think I could make a diagnosis, but obviously we have to go through that proper process. And I was really taken aback, like a diagnosis. What do you mean? Like, I think I wouldn't say this now, but wrong with my son. um It's me. And so I was really, that's why I use the word surprise, because it was not on my radar at all. And like everybody, you have, you know, very little about it. What you do know is a stereotype and and
00:24:38
Speaker
Yeah. That then began a process. He was diagnosed. We did all the and and what the usual things that they do with their parent assessments and and then through to school. And he was given a diagnosis at six and a half. And it's the best thing that ever happened to him. I really believe that. I think Why? Because it meant that we understood him and his brain and from a very young age, we could then advocate for him and we could help shape the support and the understanding that he needed based on his brain.
00:25:16
Speaker
um As I said earlier, my way of coping was just to really lean into it and to learn and read as much as I possibly could. Because then at school when he was struggling, um socially when he was struggling, I could just try to navigate that in the best way that I could with the information I had about who he was. And it offered a sense of and probably a compassion you know that you might not have had if you're just struggling and you can't understand why you can't get your child to do certain things. and And that's been a massive learning curve, by the way. I mean, I don't think that that ever stops. I'm still learning and I'm still adapting because every day as a parent is something you've never experienced before, right? So I don't know what I'm doing with a 13-year-old any more than I knew what I was doing with a six-year-old at the time. But then i'm yeah, I'm so grateful, so grateful to this day that I was so on my knees that I went to the GP in the first instance.
00:26:14
Speaker
and that he referred me and that that happened because I really firmly believe that we've been able to completely shape his academic experience so far, his interests, everything in line with who he is, with that understanding, to become a team, I guess. It sounds the way you're describing it as a diagnosis, and I've heard people say this before, diagnosis doesn't fix it, but it tells you where to look and how to respond. Yeah, massively, because you're understanding their brain, you know, fundamentally, and obviously I didn't know this about myself at the time, but he his brain is wired differently and
00:26:58
Speaker
it's It's not a case of, you know, if he could, he would. No child wants to not conform. No child wants to be different to everybody else. No child wants to be, you know, problematic or struggling. You know, that's just not what children want. They want to be liked and understood and loved and accepted. And and so it really began that absolute journey of understanding his brain, like why he would struggle with certain things. And again, that still I'm still learning every day um about ADHD. It is the most fascinating neurodiversity. and and And then advocate and put in the scaffolding and support and interventions that he he needs. and And with those, and and many of them are reasonably simple things, you can see such a huge difference, but it requires
00:27:53
Speaker
Letting go of the should it requires changing the narrative and that's a really hard thing to do and i struggle with that in the beginning particular judgment you know i was almost. On high you just that constant sense of adrenaline and cortisol because you want to protect your child and support them and yes yes i know that feeling. Yeah, it's hard. But and then you gradually have to let go of this stuff. and And you're trying to educate other people along the way, people that matter. and You know, my parents who are amazing and really supportive and they and really understand it now in the beginning, obviously, they didn't either. And so they that's ah it's all been a learning journey for us as an entire family, I think. and But it is
00:28:40
Speaker
Yeah, that's the best thing that happened, honestly. I think when you can understand somebody and their brain and you compare it to their needs and you can meet them where they are and you can build that trust and and that connection, then I think the relationship that my son and I have, I hope that continues as he gets older, but we are we're a great team and What's, I think, fantastic about when you focus on building a relationship with somebody that is has a foundation of trust, then it means that you can call them out on the stuff that's particularly valuable, I think, when they become a teenager. you know this you know where
00:29:21
Speaker
you can call them out on things and you know where to be compassionate and empathetic and sympathetic and patient and all of that stuff and it becomes a balance and yeah then he's going to be willing to listen to me because he trusts in the moments where he he's really struggling or that he needs my support. I'm absolutely there for him but it's a i think it is yeah i I can't emphasise enough how i'm I'm just so grateful that I've been able to yeah to learn and grow with him, I think, and and just just change and do what we needed to do for him and our family. and He was actually really little. I'm just listening to you describe this, and I'm thinking that as you go through the teenage years, you're already equipped with everything you need to be able to get through those with with the minimum amount of trouble and stress.
Emotional Challenges of Parenting with ADHD
00:30:13
Speaker
because this is something that I've learned mostly through having... Well, I don't know. i i'm I'm a counselor. In therapy, you learn to meet people where they are. As you said, that's exactly what I do as a job now. And having trained to do that has really, really improved how I cope. if ah cope Coping's not even the right word. I'm thinking if my kids were listening to this, which they never will. but What word would they like me to use? How I coped with my kids. But I'm i'm thinking about my own feelings, my own stresses and strains of wondering if I've got it right with my kids given that they have changed so much, which they do. I mean, kids do from zero right through to adulthood.
00:31:06
Speaker
and through through life. But I've learned as a therapist to meet people where they are and I meet my kids where they are as often as I can remember to do that. And life is more straightforward as a result. I think I appreciate them better. I think they know that I appreciate them better. we don't I don't always get it right. We don't always get it right. But I'm better equipped to try and figure out where it is they're coming from when they've maybe pressed one of my buttons or I've pressed one of theirs. So I feel like you've got all that training under your belt. You're going to be fine with teenagers. Oh, I don't know about that. Because like everybody you've never done this bit before, have you? And i'm I am by no means a perfect parent, right? Like i as you said then, you get triggered by stuff. You have your buttons pressed and
00:31:58
Speaker
actually one things I've become really aware of is and because within ADHD a big part of that can be emotional dysregulation actually in those moments where I'm overwhelmed or I'm struggling and my brain's just at full capacity and something happens in that moment it's exceptionally difficult to to to sort of breathe and like pause and gather yourself without reacting and it happens but ah for sure all the time and you know The other day I had a situation where i my my husband was away, my son had being had to come home from school because he had a sore tummy, then it was the end of the day and my I'd been ferrying my daughter around to clubs and then she was just outside playing for 10 minutes before I was going to get her in the bath and I just thought, I've got like 10 minutes, I've just got to do a couple of bits for work.
00:32:49
Speaker
and then obviously cue the tears from her and she came in right in that moment where I was just just focusing on something and and I could really feel that the the stress from that in my brain because I couldn't almost that my brain couldn't navigate that it's like no no No, no, I just need to do this, I just need to do this. And I didn't give her the support and sympathy and the kind of patience and love she needed at that moment. I didn't. I was grumpy. And afterwards I said to her at bedtime that I was really sorry that I didn't. um I do this a lot. I try really hard to like own.
00:33:24
Speaker
because we're all learning, we're all making mistakes all the time. and I just said to her, I'm really sorry that I didn't, you know, that I was grumpy and that I didn't stop and make sure you're okay and kind of give you what you needed then. And obviously she immediately was a bit like, yeah, because I felt like this and I'm like, I totally understand you were right and that was wrong with me. And I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry. So I try and do that stuff all the time. Brilliant. All the time. Yeah. Because it's hard, isn't it? This stuff is 24-7. But I just ah just, yeah, we're all human. And I think, as you said, life does get a bit easier for it if you just kind of been willing to accept this stuff in yourself as much as in them. But i us I've had to do a lot of work on myself over the last few years.
00:34:12
Speaker
you know, since I had my diagnosis alongside just probably ah suffering, kind of certainly pre COVID, just some burnout emotionally as a parent, trying to navigate everything and starting to learn or unlearn things about yourself. And that's a real, I'm a work in progress too, I think, but I, yeah, ah all and yeah the value in that has been, been really huge for me, but I am not a perfect parent at all. I just want to say that before anyone's listening, thinking I i have not got it all sussed. I have not got it all sorted. I have no idea what the teenagers will bring. I'm actually more nervous for that for my daughter than for my son, ah because she really knows how to press my buttons. that
00:34:58
Speaker
I don't know. I think you just do the best that you can do, right? And hope that you it's enough to have an amazing relationship with them, I hope. Yeah. Yeah. And also to remember, I think during the times when the relationship doesn't feel so amazing and you worry that it's gone off track. that is also normal and not necessarily anyone's fault and not necessarily needing to be fixed right now because you've got a foundation and you just keep working and you shift again and you learn some more because we all change and as you've just alluded to parenting one teenager is not the same as parenting the second third and fourth teenagers because
00:35:41
Speaker
They're all human beings with their own personalities and experiences and their unique needs. right i So you ah you've got to do it and you change. We're molded by what happens to us and the relationships we have. So i I'm not the same parent of a teenager. five years later as I was when I first became the parent of a teenager. So the next one coming along is going to get a completely different experience. learn and kind of developed and grain in that time well And had things happened to me that have changed how I show up in the world, And you get older as well. I think that's the other thing, you know, you're, you're aging with it too. And there's, there is value in that one. I mean, obviously the energy level is going down, but there's value in that too. I think as you get older, the way you feel about things shifts. And that, that helps massively. Yeah. I heard an analogy not that long ago about parenting teenagers, and I really liked it because it's a very visual one for me. And obviously you can very much relate this to ADHD as well.
00:36:48
Speaker
And it's the it's about how instinctively, and I've definitely been guilty of this, we kind of want to fix things for our kids all the time. and But actually we can't, particularly as they get older and they get more independence. And and it's not about trying to take them off the roller coaster or stop them getting on it in the first place. It's like holding their hand through it. And I really like that. because particularly the emotions of ADHD, they really are a rollercoaster. And it's not even, it could be every moment of every day, it could be a high and low, but and the fact that just navigating those feelings with them as opposed to trying to fix it, which I would have, would have been a default. And I have to work really hard to catch myself. I mean, they're definitely still doing it. Yeah. and
00:37:34
Speaker
But that, that was one that I really liked. And also another one that I heard was about, um, catching the ball. So, and again, this is visual and I can, I can see this when I think it is that as teenagers are having all those changes hormonally, it's, and you're getting like a deluge of just crap thrown at you, whether they mean to or not in a moment that just, just to catch it, you do not need to throw that ball back. You do not need to bat it back. It just catches it. it and I'm trying so hard to do that. I mean my face might portray like I've been hit in the face with it but I'm trying in that moment to almost just go and just breathe and hold it um and then kind of move forward because
00:38:19
Speaker
I write this to you because they're very visual for me and I can i can see it and I can imagine it. Well, i i've I had a physical feeling when you said that. I felt like a a gut punch when you said catch it because i I can totally see that and you're so right. That's exactly it. But the temptation to throw it straight back is enormous. It's so compelling. Oh, it's so compelling. And sometimes you do, right? Like sometimes you absolutely do. and Yeah. And maybe there's times when that is needed, I don't know, but I am trying more and more. So particularly for neurodivergent kids, teenagers too, because they are navigating
00:39:02
Speaker
a huge amount of it anyway, and then you add in the hormones into the mix to ah ah to a developing brain. It's a very difficult, kind of complicated picture. And for a neurodivergent child, they are likely to come home to their safe space and decompress and offload. you know When they've held it together and they've coped as best they can and in an environment like school all day, that stuff's going to come out. And then you add in a little bit of hormonal teenage ah responses in there. It is, it can be quiet. Yeah, yeah. You know, the instinct is to say the things that my mum probably would have said to me and and I'm trying really hard just to, yeah, just balance it a bit. I kind of wish that I'd known all about all of this before the kids were born because I've definitely, when you talk about your mum, I've definitely passed on some of the things that my parents did with me that I can now see just were never going to be.
00:40:04
Speaker
healthy. I've definitely done that to my own kids. I feel so, so guilty about it. I'm still getting it wrong but i I now at least know and as you say, I can go and say sorry when I've got something wrong and that whole business of trying to fix things, um it's it's probably the the thing my kids are most conscious of with me. ah that's It's my biggest fault in in their book is when they come and they just want to rant and let off steam or even just sound things out with another person in the room. And because I'm safe for them, they do it with me. And I immediately have to resist myself now, but I was used to immediately go into problem solving where we should do this. Have you tried thinking about how the other person feels in this? and but
00:40:54
Speaker
they don't want to be told that. one a i times And then my daughter will still, she's 19 now and she called me out just this week on it and I thought I'd done a ah decent job actually and she said no you still turned it into a ah live lesson. like Oh God, I can see why that came across as a life lesson, but even in the moment, I was thinking I was doing okay. Yeah. Yeah. I had that the other day, honestly. It's such a, we're all trying our best, aren't we? It's like we're saying about our mums, but they were doing the best as what they knew and we're doing the best as what we know. And our kids will say all this same stuff about ours and then they will do the best with what they know, but they are really insightful. It's the same, absolutely same the other day with my son.
00:41:37
Speaker
And I thought I was doing really well. I thought I was saying all the right things. I wasn't doing the whole, you know, trying to fix it. And yeah i I got it completely wrong because in his head he heard it and interpreted it in the way it wasn't intended. And then I had to say, okay, well, I can see hu absolutely why it came across like that and why it made you feel that way. But like you, I thought I was doing so much better. And then my daughter, she's so insightful. I mean, she's only eight and she comes out with things and she she really.
00:42:11
Speaker
which catches me almost off guard in those moments. and And she said something the other day, and it was like, just because that's what you would need, Mummy, doesn't mean it's what I need. And I was like, yeah oh, brilliant. You know, actually, that made me tingle a bit when and I said that, but it it was yeah know so right. i'm not I'm trying to do what I need or I would need or I maybe be needed as a child in that. mania That's not what you need yet. Yes, even right down to things of, I was putting a picture up in her room, I was sharing this story with someone the other day and um say perfectionism is ah is a real challenge of ADHD and what because we consider ourselves, I do not consider myself to be perfect in any stretch of imagination, but it's and
00:42:56
Speaker
Oh, for me, it's very much about trying to do everything in my power to remove the reasons for which someone could criticise me or or try to do everything in my power not to get it wrong. and And so I was putting a picture up in her room and I had the spirit level and she got really annoyed with me and she was like, Mummy, it does not need to be perfect. ah And I was like, do you know what? You are absolutely right. This is your room. You tell me how you want it, where you want it. And i'm as say I was using those Velcro strips, you know, on the water. And then we'll put it like that. And inside I'm like having to go, oh, like swallow the discomfort of a pig hanging at an angle. yeah But she's right. And it's her room. So she she's very, very good at pointing this stuff out to me all the time.
00:43:41
Speaker
and And I hope she continues to do it, so. She's holding a mirror up to you. She sees you and isn't afraid to call you out because our kids are never afraid to call us out. No, she is honest, that girl, too. ya so yeah The other thing that you were saying that made it just made me think, I tend to take everything that goes wrong between me and my kids as my fault and I ah did it wrong, I need to do
Sharing Responsibility and Embracing Imperfection
00:44:09
Speaker
better. And I try to remind myself that, ah yes, it is my responsibility because I'm the parent. However, they are also people who aren't perfect, just like me, and they show up with all their shit
00:44:24
Speaker
just the same way I show up with mine. And we co-create the things that go wrong between us. It's not all me. And that doesn't mean I need to throw the ball back at them and point it out to them and hold the mirror up to them and show them where they've got it wrong. Just means that I can cut myself some slack on knowing that I don't have to be perfect and get everything right and beat myself up when I don't. Yeah, because it's hard, right? You know, if another adult spoons to you in that way, you know, you're at work or something, yeah you would respond in probably in that same way. And then there might be much more justified in that moment, but it's, yeah, it's, you're right. It's not, it's not, we're not responding in those moments without reason, I guess, or, um, provocation, it's just, it's it's a hard, really hard thing to navigate. And I see every now and then with my son, it first started probably actually in that weird way, almost like the minute they turned 13, this one day, and I was like, well, what is wrong with you? You know, just thinking, oh, this is, who are you? And then having to remind myself, like, oh, this is it, this, this is the hormones, just
00:45:31
Speaker
it's sudden like boom and then down to normal you're like yes don't know if you're coming or going a bit. Yes that's true actually I had a similar moment with my daughter ah where ah because it it's obviously creeping up and you've seen bits of it but there's usually a moment where you go, oh, because you've got that, that's completely out of character, bigger than anything else I've ever seen, what the heck, and then it dawns on you. And then you can shift into, right, okay. I mean, wish we should, as parents, be doing this all the time before they hit teenage years. But at that point, you've got a choice to shift into ah dealing with something different here and therefore I need to change. Yeah. And that's hard though, right? Cause we're going through our own hormonal changes, which feels kind of cruel to do those things simultaneously. So it's really hard to learn even in your own, I don't know about you, but growing up, I reckon this is going to sound ridiculous, but I reckon it took me into my thirties to late thirties, probably to really understand my cycle and what was happening to me, hormone. When I'd have these days, right? Be like, what is wrong with me today? Oh my God. And then be like, Oh
00:46:46
Speaker
So if it takes us, you know, well into our adult life, into almost like middle age to figure this stuff out. Actually, ironically, as we yeah start to go down the other side of it, then, you know, we can't expect them with their little development brain. It's not at all. Yeah, it's fun. No, it's just the fact that they think they're 100% right about everything and you so badly want to throw that ball back. Oh, absolutely. And I say this stuff up, you know, my mum, I'm sure I was an immensely difficult teenager for exactly that reason, like right at the beginning when I said about that invincibility of 14. I mean, can you imagine?
00:47:23
Speaker
So it yeah it is ah it's very a learning process. I think sometimes the hard thing with the age difference through my kids as well is that ah in some ways maybe it's a good thing but it means you've almost got to go through it twice because you're not really going through it simultaneously. It's like I have to do one whole load of teenage years and then At the point you're like, then incoming is the next one. So it's it's like having to go through it twice as well. ah Look, like I said, you'll be an old hand by then, you'll be fine. Oh, I don't know, you might have to scrape me off the floors. Well, an old will definitely be the case. You know, I don't know about you, sometimes I wish. I wonder if you could just go through parenthood and then sort of come out like your age had been frozen in time and you're not so exhausted by it at the end.
00:48:12
Speaker
Well, this is why we used to have children at the age of 14 and then just we were fire then we could have a life after. Yes, exactly. Whereas we're trying to do both at the same time. I think that's where a lot of those moments of just combustion, for one of the better words come from. Yeah, yeah definitely. Claire, it's been really interesting, really fun chat. um Tell everyone where they can find out more about you and connect with you if they want to. Oh, thank you so much, Helen. and So, as I said, I'm the host of All Aboard ADHD podcast which helps parents navigate the ADHD journey and that's available on or the usual platforms, um so you can find me there. And episodes alternate between experts sharing kind of credible information into lots of different areas of and connected areas of ADHD, of starting with the obvious. what What is it if you really want to begin or you want to learn more?
00:49:08
Speaker
And mixed in with that are episodes with parents sharing their real life lived experience to help you feel less alone. So you kind of get a bit of both. You get the and the information if you need it as and then you have that community too. So you can just have a little listen and feel some sort of solitude and knowing that you're not the only one going through it if you haven't yet found your yourre kind of own community to to do this alongside. and But I'm also an ADHD coach. I work with kids um typically tweens and teens and parents to help them learn about ADHD, navigate that and build the skills to to cope with the challenges that they're facing. um And so you can find me on Instagram at All Aboard ADHD and also my website, which is AllAboardADHD.com. Amazing. I'll put those links in the show notes so when people finish listening, just scroll down and you'll be able to click. Thank you.
00:50:04
Speaker
Claire, brilliant chatting to you. Thank you. It's been so nice chatting to you as well. I've genuinely actually really enjoyed this conversation. It's funny, isn't it? that even Even this, we should be doing more of this stuff in life. and So thank you. Thank you so much for having me and um and thank you for giving me opportunity to share my experiences of parenting ADHD. Thank you so much for listening. I really do appreciate it. Thank you too to everyone who's already rated and reviewed the podcast. If you're listening on Apple Podcasts or Amazon, it would mean the world to me if you could leave a review. It really helps get the word out, as well as making me very happy to read what you have to say.
00:50:45
Speaker
If this episode strikes a chord for you, please share it with anyone else you know who might be in the same boat and hit subscribe so you don't miss the next episode. If you have a story or a suggestion for something you'd like to see covered on the podcast, you can email me at teenagekickspodcast at gmail.com or message me on Instagram. i'm I am Helen Woods. I love hearing from all my listeners. It really makes a difference to me on this journey. See you next week when I'll be chatting to another brilliant guest about the highs and lows of parenting teens. Bye for now!