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Ep. 99: How will my child ever be ready to go to university?
112 Plays1 day ago
It's a question I see asked a lot. There's a whole Facebook group dedicated to discussing the issues parents have when their children are preparing to leave home for university, and the questions come in cycles. Right now, it's UCAS forms and university choices, as the deadline for applications looms. In a couple of months it will be questions about A-Level revision and exam dates, and then will come the angst - in rafts - over teenagers whose parents don't think they're ready. (I have a sneaking suspicion it's the parents who aren't ready most of the time, not the kids.
My guest in this episode speaks to this parental fear as a parent herself, and as a psychologist who supports families of children and teenagers with type 1 diabetes. Professor Deborah Christie talks about how any disability makes it more difficult to leave home, especially for the often chaotic lifestyle of university.
With data* suggesting that over a third of young adults have a long-term physical or mental health condition, disability or illness, could this be something your listeners might be interested in? Deborah offers reassurance and tips for success, whatever your fears for your child as they gain independence and have to look after themselves.
- * Research commissioned to mark the integration of Abbott’s FreeStyle Libre 2 Plus sensor with
Insulet’s Omnipod® 5 Automated Insulin Delivery System.
More for parents of teenagers preparing for university
- Don't fear the empty nest (podcast)
- 10 Tips for coping with empty nest syndrome (read)
- Being diagnosed with diabetes as a teenager (podcast)
- How to keep your teen safe at university (read)
- 60 Gifts for university students (list)
Who is Deborah Christie?
Deborah Christie is a professor of paediatric and adolescent psychology at University College London NHS Foundation Trust and Dartford and Gravesham NHS Trust. She is an internationally respected academic and award-winning clinician; with an outstanding record of peer-reviewed publications, teaching and leadership with over 200 peer reviewed papers and chapters and a bestselling book, Psychosocial Aspects of Diabetes in Children, Adolescents and Families. She co-authored the expert reports on Psychosocial Issues of infection and the Impact of bereavement for the UK government Infected Blood Inquiry.
Who is Helen?
Helen wills is a counsellor, a parent coach, and a teen mental health podcaster and blogger at Actually Mummy, a resource for midlife parents of teens.
For information on your data privacy please visit Zencastr's policy page
Please note that Helen Wills is not a medical expert, and nothing in the podcast should be taken as medical advice. If you're worried about yourself or a teenager, please seek support from a medical professional.
Episode produced by Michael J Cunningham.
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Transcript
Parents' Concerns about Teenagers
00:00:00
Speaker
91% of parents worry about their, their teenagers. So if you're worrying about your teenagers, you're incredibly normal because nine out of 10 parents worry about their teenagers. So that's, that's the very, that's the first thing to, to not feel, you know, that you are a, ah you know, a awful parent for being excessively worried.
Introduction to Season 9 & Podcast Focus
00:00:24
Speaker
Welcome to Season 9 of the Teenage Kicks podcast. I'm your host, writer and psychotherapist Helen Wills. Can you believe it? When I started this podcast, there was nothing much on mind for parents about teenage mental health. Still less about how to cope with our own anxieties when our teenagers are going through difficult stuff.
Helen Wills' Journey to Counseling
00:00:49
Speaker
Since then, I've spoken to over 100 guests about struggles they had in their teenage years, how they've coped since, and the advice they'd offer to young adults and their parents today. We've talked about all the difficult things, from anxiety, to being diagnosed with an illness, or getting kicked out of school. Spoiler alert, it all involves a bit of anxiety. And many of my guests have told me the conversations have felt like therapy.
00:01:19
Speaker
It's what led me to think about training as a therapist and I'm happy to say that I'm now a fully qualified counsellor. I help my clients with anxiety and depression, lost grief and bereavement, clinical illness, trauma and relationship issues and especially parents who are finding the teenagers tricky.
Season 9 Topics Overview
00:01:42
Speaker
If you think counselling might help you, you can find me at HelenWills.com. That's Helen Wills W I double L S dot com. I offer a free initial conversation to see if we're a good fit.
00:01:57
Speaker
Now, on to Series 9, and I have some fantastic guests for you.
Personal Experience with Diabetes at University
00:02:02
Speaker
We're going to talk about what it's like to grow up with a disabled sibling, the teenagers who are embracing a sober adolescence, how to support a child who's questioning their gender or sexuality, and teens who are people pleasers.
00:02:17
Speaker
Yes, they might be ball-breakers at home, but lots of teams feel under pressure to perform for other people. And they need our help to help them stop. Says one of my guests.
00:02:31
Speaker
Sending your child with a disability or medical condition away from home to university can feel scary. I know because I've done it recently. I have a personal connection to today's guest who is working with Abbott, the manufacturers of the Librate Blood Glucose Monitor, which we've used on some research about what it's like for children with diabetes to transition to university.
00:02:58
Speaker
Deborah Christie is Professor of Pediatric and Adolescent Psychology at the University College Hospital London and she has some top tips to support parents on this transition. My daughter and I have both worked with Deborah in the past on our personal struggles with the diagnosis.
00:03:15
Speaker
I feel a bit emotional saying that out loud, wow. And Deborah comes at it from a personal perspective too. Her teenage grandson was recently diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. This is going to be an interesting conversation if you have children with diabetes, if you have diabetes or if you have any kind of medical condition that leaves you feeling a little bit fearful about when your child leaves home.
00:03:43
Speaker
You're going to want to listen to this conversation if that sounds like you. Deborah, welcome to the podcast. Oh, thank you so much. It's so nice to be
Podcasting Challenges & Moving House
00:03:51
Speaker
here. It's a real pleasure. Oh, um I have to apologize to anyone and to you who's watching first of all, because I moved out about four weeks ago and I still have not got my Wi-Fi set. Well, I have, but in the room that I want to work in, it's not good. I've had a disaster already this morning. So people had to put up with me sitting on my sofa with a microphone right in my face. so And I'm leaning forwards and backwards to reach my computer. So Deborah was just saying, just to try and remember to behave herself professionally and look in the right directions. I'm like, no, we don't do that here. We just, and you what you see is what you get. Take us as you find us. How are you doing, Deborah?
00:04:31
Speaker
You know, I'm great. I've got a mixed portfolio career now. um i have I will still work at UCLH, but not with the child service. I decided that they were already brilliant enough without me and and I could move on, but I still work a bit with UCLH, with the women's health. I work at Darkfield and Gration and HS Trust as a consultant, helping them develop their pediatric psychology service as well.
Deborah Christie's Career in Pediatric Psychology
00:05:00
Speaker
Amazing. Which is great fun. Edit a journal, I'd do a bit of this and a bit of that, but still,
00:05:07
Speaker
um still see young people with diabetes um and young but young people and their families because no young person lives with it on their own. he no that's true yeah um And then ah do a bit of work with Abbott as well. Amazing. I i mean, ah just to elaborate on how I know saw me for several sessions of counselling and o it probably was still the first year of Maddie's diagnosis with type 1 diabetes when she was only 10. I'm a qualified counsellor now but I still am aware of the tears
00:05:45
Speaker
wanting to come whenever I start talking about that time, but you helped me massively. oh um anna ah We will talk about your grandson's diagnosis later in the podcast, but um yeah, I'd be fascinated to know how it feels for you from an emotional perspective, having been on the other side of it as the professionals supporting the people who are sitting there blubbering wrecks in your office.
Adolescent Experiences & Brain Development
00:06:12
Speaker
um Deborah, before we go into that, so we always start with traditionally with a little bit of detail on my guest's own in teenage years. So tell us, what was it like for you growing up, particularly as you got to teenage years?
00:06:30
Speaker
I had a wonderful mum and dad who are no longer with us, well, no longer physically with us, but still very much mentally, spiritually, emotionally supporting me in the background. And I was a very good girl to begin with. I'm wondering if my sister's listening. Yeah, I wonder if my sister's listening to this because she'll be shouting at the computer. So, no, you won't. Lovely sister, really lovely sister, younger sister, best of friends still after the odd years. And Lovely. when I became a teenager, I did what every teenager does. My brain was developing in a particular way. And whilst I was quite an overachiever, I worked very hard at school.
00:07:21
Speaker
and But I was also very sociable and I loved enjoying myself and go to parties. And as I got older, I started to do all the sorts of things that I have written about over the years. I've done them all, all that stuff with my dad picking me up after I'd had just a little bit too much of and something that shouldn't have drunk. And um some mornings waking up saying, I'm never going to drink again.
00:07:50
Speaker
ah That didn't happen either. So I wasn't perfect. I wasn't perfect at all. I thought my parents didn't understand me um and then I became a parent and realized I didn't.
00:08:05
Speaker
ah Exactly. Of course we don't, even though we've been through it, even though we've been adolescents. Yeah. So yes, I did all the sorts of stuff like trying to sneak out the house and going out with inappropriate boys and drinking too much at parties and my skirts were too short. Of course. Yeah, you know, literally read my chapter on adolescent development and I've done everything.
00:08:27
Speaker
Oh, right. This is a ah ah book you've written. Well, I've written a lot over the years and um but also written about the development of the adolescent brain. Right. How the brain underpins a lot of the things, you know, you think about an adolescent having a job description, you know, that their their primary, ah ah you know, um requirement of an adolescent is to gnawy the hell out of their parents and to do that by not letting them know where they are and wanting to be completely independent but at the same time demanding litters home and um ah you know wanting to be like their friends and in yeah everything that an adolescent does over a period of time from 12 probably now all the way up to their late 20s
00:09:16
Speaker
is underpinned by the way that the brain develops. And so I've written written a bit about that. Oh, amazing. I'll get you to just to kind of name check that book before we end and I'll put the link in the show notes. But you've just reminded me of a brilliant title to a book, um i which I read, ah which is exactly what you were just describing. it's called I think it's called Mum, get out of my life, but first take me and Kevin into town. Perfect. That's it. That sums it up. Yeah. it does say yeah that's That's absolutely right. I'm not telling you where I'm going, but could you pick me up at two o'clock in the morning? You'll need to tell me where you are in order for that to happen.
00:09:51
Speaker
Yeah, no, you're speaking to every parent of teenagers, which is pretty much most of the people listening to to this. um i i'm just Sorry, I've just got distracted by my dog yelling at the front door because somebody's knocked on the door, but I'm going to ignore that. um And now there's someone right. So this is the joy of having just moved house and sitting in a room you don't normally sit in to do your recordings. Well, thank that thank goodness for the edit button, eh?
00:10:21
Speaker
No, I'm not even going to bother. We started this podcast during lockdown and all sorts was going on in the house. So um i there was some drilling in the wall right next to me at one point. And I just went, you know what? I give up. Let's just bring it into the equation and talk about it. So that's the way we do it here.
00:10:37
Speaker
Well, that's what life is, though, isn't it? I mean, that's the thing. It's that that actually you can't edit out your life and unless you believe all the rubbish on Instagram and social media. Actually, life is life is really messy. Life is messy and things happen that you didn't expect.
00:10:53
Speaker
yeah And of course, being diagnosed with diabetes is one of those things, you know? Yeah. And it's a pretty big one. I remember for me, it derailed my entire life for two full
Family Dynamics with a Diabetes Diagnosis
00:11:06
Speaker
years. And yet I tried to pretend at the time that it hadn't derailed my life and crack on as normal. And I do remember, and I still live to this day with this in mind.
00:11:21
Speaker
saying to my daughter and my family, this will not change how any of how we live our life. And of course it has, but it will not stop you from doing anything you want to do. And ah We've made sure of that and ah she now is thriving and so at the age of 20 and has that same attitude. And I said that because she was a ah throw herself at life kind of person ah even, well, from a very young age. And I was determined that it wouldn't change that about her.
00:11:54
Speaker
And I really believe that's a good thing to have done. However, it nearly broke me. try It would have been so much easier to crawl into a corner and go, let's just stay at home and keep it simple. I'm assuming you have met both kinds of families in in your work who the people who do get ultra, I mean, I did get ultra cautious, but I still made everything happen that could possibly happen.
00:12:23
Speaker
Yeah. Do you know, I mean, again, there's, even though we talk about general is generalizations about, um, adolescents, if you've met one adolescent, you've met one adolescent and if yeah met one parent of a child with diabetes. That's, that's one parent. And I think that's often the mistake but that so that people make when they're trying to support families is that they they say, well, this is what you have to do. um That's rubbish because actually what you have to do is what works for you as a family. really So yeah, absolutely. There are some parents who, for them,
00:12:57
Speaker
what works best is being incredibly cautious and following the rules, almost 100%. And then there are families that go, I don't even believe this exists. It's almost like there's this sort of sense of I'm just gonna just carry on whatever and just carry on there. And then of course, and both of those are extremes on the end of the spectrum. And nothing's right,
00:13:26
Speaker
but nothing's wrong. yeah Everybody's trying to survive when a nuclear bomb has gone off in the middle of their their family. Yeah. Yeah. And that is what it feels like. It is for anyone listening who doesn't get it, who doesn't understand type 1 diabetes, it feels catastrophic when it happens.
00:13:46
Speaker
um And that is something that's quite difficult to cope with on the basis that the rest of the world who doesn't get it really thinks that diabetes is no big deal. yeah And um what I've realized over the years is that it's not just type 1 diabetes, it's any diagnosis that that really has a big impact on your life that other people don't understand. um And it's made me really rethink my approach to Other families have different things like autism, um who have serious nut allergies, for example, all sorts of things that affect their child, affects their family. I've just been talking to another guest, John Wilson Cooper,
00:14:28
Speaker
um whose brother was born deaf. And growing up in that family was really difficult for him too, and for the entire family. And so I just do not judge anyone else's experience or how they choose to manage it. And and I think in diabetes, that's one of the classics, because we're told so many times by the media, where you brought it on yourself, it's too much sugar, it's you shouldn't eat that, you should do this, you're a bad diabetic. And it just all adds to the stigma and the pain of the family, right? Yeah, no, absolutely. And I think chronic, I mean, chronic illness, you know, derails adolescent development. So if you, as I said, if you think about it as a kind of a job description, an adolescent is trying to um get through this period of time, their brains are slowly developing,
00:15:24
Speaker
I mean, it's like an adolescent brain is a bit like this, you know, this is all the inside, this is all the the the spinal cord and this is all the inside where all the emotion is happening and all the social requirements and the that's all going on. And here, this is the bit that quietens it all down. This is the this is the calm, sensible part of the brain. Well, an adolescent brain is like this.
00:15:46
Speaker
I'm going to interrupt you just for a second, Deborah, for those of those people who are listening and can't see the video. Deborah's holding her hand up and she's the the bit where there will be emotion is is the thumb stuck in the palm of the hand. And then the fingers are the bit that cover it and make it make sense. And she's waving those fingers around when she describes the teenager.
00:16:08
Speaker
It's like a flip. Well, it's flip. it We call it flipping the lid. That's right the kind of like the emotion and it's the emotional regulation. It's the ability to calm. You know, if you think of the difference between your hand with your fingers waggling and your fingers in a sort of like a prayer yeah position. Yeah.
00:16:23
Speaker
The prayer-like position is when we get to 29, our brain is fully developed and fully formed. But up until that point, you know, the young people are taking risks. Now, one of the things I always remember was a mum I met who had who said, you know, oh, you know, the the diabetes team want me to make sure that they have their insulin before they have their breakfast. Quite right. Quite sensible. That's what the physiology tells us. And so the insulin is taken and then the kid goes, don't want any breakfast.
00:16:53
Speaker
Well, I doubt... And yeah, okay, fine. Now what do I do? And so not surprisingly, a lot of young people with diabetes go, I'm not taking my insulin pre-prandly before the food. I'm not doing that because I don't know how much I'll eat and then I'll have had too much. And then I'll go then i'll go low. And then everybody will nag me because I've gone like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you've got this constant kind of balancing normal because you you want, sometimes you want breakfast, sometimes you don't want breakfast.
00:17:24
Speaker
Yeah. Well, like a normal person, right? Well, exactly. And a normal person doesn't have to plan 20 minutes ahead how exactly how much food they're going to eat to match it with the medication they have to take to allow them to eat it. So it is deeply ah it is deeply annoying that the whole um kind of presentation of diabetes, the confusion between type one and type two, isn't recognized that people don't understand the impact of ah of a ah diagnosis of something that is going to be with you for the rest of your life that you
Impact of Diabetes on Adolescent Life
00:17:56
Speaker
can cope with. And yeah as you know, Helen, the message that I've always tried to convey to people is it's just one tiny part of your life. It's not everything, but it will do its best to get in there and run
00:18:08
Speaker
sneak about the house and trick you up and get in between you and cause arguments and then it'll rush off going ha ha ha I was successful mucking things up and everybody's furious with each other and diabetes is sitting in the corner chuckling Yeah, I always liken diabetes to a toddler throwing tantrums because whatever you do, it will do something you don't expect. And there are calm days when the toddler behaves itself really well, everyone gets on fine. And then there are a lot of other days, a lot, where it just does something really random like run out into the road and you've just got to cope and react in the moment. And that's what you do have to do. You have to learn to, I mean, what it does is it destroys spontaneity. That's the thing that, you know, every young person I've ever worked with, you know, has looked at me right in the eyes and said, you know, it's destroyed the ability to be spontaneous in my life. Yeah. And then what they do is they go, huh, well, I'm just going to be spontaneous and. Of course. And, and go with it. Of course. And if they do that, and then, but that's okay too. As long as you understand how to manage the consequences. The fallout. Yeah, exactly.
00:19:23
Speaker
And so you were describing someone that really controls it to the nth degree. that That was me for a few years. And um whilst so it was in my control rather than Maddie's, I really, really nailed it for her as best I could. I felt terrible about every slip up. And that's why I'm now a counsellor. I had to i had to that seek my own therapy because trying to control the and uncontrollable, it's it's just not possible.
00:19:50
Speaker
And I had to learn that. But um inevitably, when ah the young person gets freedom, independence, wants to be like everyone else, and wants a life, for God's sake, it's not it isn't too much to ask. they just its it's My daughter's at university now. I don't talk too much about her on the podcast because it's her story to tell now rather than mine. But Of course, she's been very spontaneous. She's having a lot of late nights. Her life is not routine. She is drinking alcohol. ah She wants to do what her friends are doing. It's just normal life. And so inevitably, her blood sugar is more haywire than it was when she was completely there. And my full-time job, I had to stop work for a couple of years because she was she was my full-time job.
00:20:44
Speaker
well
00:20:46
Speaker
But we're very quick to judge people who don't toe the line exactly and call them bad diabetics. Actually, they're just people living their lives and having to drag along this toddler totalddler illness with them and keep themselves alive and doing a fantastic job of keeping their self alive and university doesn't last forever.
00:21:12
Speaker
so um that like On that note, let's let's get on to talking about going through, well, yeah, actually, maybe you can tell me, first of all, I want to talk about going off to university, what it's like for for them, what it's like for us parents and the tips, but we'll do that in a second. I'd like to ask you how it was for you when your grandson was diagnosed. How old was he?
00:21:41
Speaker
Okay, so it's my turn to get emotional now. It was 18 months ago. He was 12. And it was, you know, the irony, the irony of it all, really, because I've been working with young people and families for 25, over 25 years now, developing interventions to try and support parents and interventions to support kids and working one to one with people who have been really devastated and can't can't manage and can't function.
00:22:16
Speaker
And he was quite poorly. um And his, my husband, his granddad and I were both quite concerned. His mom and dad were quite concerned about him. um And we kept saying, there's something not wrong. And I kept saying things like, oh, it might be long COVID, or it might be fatigue, or oh um yeah maybe he's got an eating disorder. Do you know, I completely missed it.
00:22:40
Speaker
Right. And it's so easy to miss. Never occurred to me. He had all the, he had all the, the T, T, T, T, you know, the thirst, tiredness. He had the weight loss. He was constantly drinking. He'd been with us the weekend before and drunk two liters of apple juice in about an hour. And he was losing weight. He was so skinny. Oh my God. I've got pictures of him. It just breaks my heart.
00:23:06
Speaker
um Yeah, just awful. Anyway, went into hospital and um and my son phoned me and said he's got a ah blood glucose of a million, wherever it was. yeah and And I said, well, I did swear and he's got diabetes.
00:23:22
Speaker
and ah um he's got diabetes and they and and my oldest son said, oh you'll have to wait, you're not a doctor, mother, you're not a doctor, mother, you'll have wait. And I said, no, I'm not a doctor, but I believe me, I know about this. And um and my my darling daughter-in-law and my lovely, lovely son, I've got two two boys and they're Yeah, they were they were brilliant. and And I did smile because I remember my daughter-in-law saying to me, well, you know, he's going to be great because he's such a good boy and he's you know he's so clever. He'll be able to manage all of this perfectly. And I had to bite my tongue because
00:24:03
Speaker
I thought, well, he won't. It's going to be so difficult. um My husband was devastated, ah absolutely distraught and has become an expert on diabetes now. He has read every single thing you can read on it. Yeah. That's a coping mechanism. Yeah.
00:24:21
Speaker
um My react, I was, I was absolutely, yeah, distraught sums it up. I ah didn't, didn't cry in front of anybody in the family because it was like, okay, we've got this. I know enough people to make sure that we get the, you know, good help and we make sure that we, you know, and I've, I know stuff, I know stuff. And I kind of summed it up from, I went from knowing to feeling.
00:24:48
Speaker
I went from knowing it in my head, pointing to my head for people that are just listening, to feeling it in my heart, pointing to where my heart is now. you know yeah i um I feel everything that I knew. um And ah we had a small disagreement yesterday, as a two example, he's now 14. He's a very bright kid, very bright boy, um but he knows everything.
00:25:14
Speaker
He knows everything. He was 14. And he was high and then he was low and then he was high and then he was low and he was doing an English mock. And when he came home from school, um I happened to be there and I heard his mum say to him, I've been looking at your sugars all day and you were down at two, which is very, very low for people that don't know. And um and where and I couldn't get through to you. Where where were you? And he said, you know, stop going on at me. He was really crossed with his mother.
00:25:45
Speaker
And when I said to him, did the teachers not give you some extra time to manage your highs and your lows? He said, I didn't need extra time. I was fine. I was perfectly all right. And I said, if you're writing an essay and your blood sugars are 18,
00:26:01
Speaker
You're not perfectly all right. No. And um he said, I know what I'm capable of. I don't need any extra help. I don't. And he stormed up the stairs and we were all left standing looking at each other. And my daughter and God bless us rolled her eyes. She's, I mean, she is wonderful and she tries to run the gamut of ah yeah perfect control. Let him what he needs to do. She runs back and forwards between those two extremes, constantly worried. um And I've had,
00:26:31
Speaker
nights where we've been on the phone to each other, what's happening because she's been so concerned about him. um my My husband has him on ah the Can I just say I've turned my notifications off?
00:26:49
Speaker
I don't want to know. I'm not, I can't bear it. There's nothing you can do about it. No, I can't bear it. If I am like, like I was at a conference, you know, last month, and I'm in a foreign country, what am I going to do if he's high? I know that A, he is quite sensible most of the time, some of the time.
00:27:09
Speaker
um not he He knows how to keep himself alive. He does. He does. But some I know that his mum is WhatsApping him and I know that his dad is WhatsApping
Technology's Role in Diabetes Management
00:27:19
Speaker
him. And his granddad is doing it too, driving him insane. And we're going to get onto technology, aren't we? Well, yes. So um that's, um I was just thinking for those people listening who don't have diabetes in the family, what Deborah's describing is a continuous glucose monitor. um or a sensor which reads the levels of blood glucose um to simplify things ah and can send those levels to a carer or a parent's phone, anybody's phone, um so that we can see that remotely. I can see my daughter's blood sugar on my phone every five minutes.
00:28:00
Speaker
and And it it it gives peace of mind. For me, largely it helped me sleep. It meant that I could go to sleep knowing that if she was in trouble with either a high or a low blood sugar, I would get an alarm and I'd be told about it rather than me waking up every hour or so thinking, is she okay?
00:28:19
Speaker
um and having to go and prick a finger in the night to check. So that's the tech that Deborah's talking about and Abbott's freestyle libre is one of those monitors and you'll see people wearing it. It looks a bit like the the the dreaded some ah monitor that people have on their arms. It looks it it's looks kind of exactly the same.
00:28:40
Speaker
that's not for for diabetes purposes but Abbot's Libre was created for monitoring blood glucose levels for diabetics. I'm not up to date on Abbot's technology Deborah, is that a fair summary? Yeah it's a good summary and it's amazing the continuous glucose monitors now that exist allow you you don't have you know in the in the old days when I first started and when you probably first started you know yeah kids had to to prick their fingers stick their fingers with a little sharp lancet um and if they were being very very good um to to use that awful expression they would have to do it every two hours you would have to keep checking your blood sugars um and you would have to say kids had that
00:29:32
Speaker
band-aids on their fingers or their fingers. yeah how are mu It was so absolutely awful. And so the development of a little thing that you wear on your arm, um ah if people are strictly come dancing fans, they'll see it on Nikita. He's got a little little white circle on his arm and that's That's basically telling his phone um what his blood glucose is and whether he's safe to keep dancing. um yeah yeah And yeah, so that that is amazing. I think that is just incredible. And things like pumps as well that have been developed to allow um the delivery of safe amounts of insulin to stop insulin. They're so clever now. I mean, again, when I think back to the very first pump that I learned about 20 odd years ago, it was mind blowing then.
00:30:22
Speaker
But now what they can do um is even more incredible. So they can actually stop insulin. If you're going very low, they can measure that. They know because of the the met the but little glucose meter. And so they can stop delivering it. If you're going low, they can give you a little bit more if you're going high. And so they can try to help manage So whilst parents make perfect pancreases, um practically perfect pancreases, and the new technology um kind of ah offers um ah an enormous amount of hope and um a reduction in ah the constant constantly being in your mind that I mean, it's still in your emotional burden. Yeah, it is. It's a fantastic emotional burden.
00:31:10
Speaker
I mean, we worry about our kids anyway. I got two boys. They were both excellent adolescents. They also followed. It's like they'd read my book. They knew exactly what to do, but I didn't have with them the worry of a chronic illness. I was very, very lucky. They just did stupid things like clay rugby and break their noses and their collarbones. So that was all I had to worry about. There's always something, isn't there? always yeah and both of them you know had one of them one of them went off to Italy to go to university I mean it was like could you not go any further could you you know yeah yeah yeah I've got one that's interested in Australia oh excellent yeah I remember getting getting the phone call to say I've I've locked myself in my apartment in Milan
00:31:58
Speaker
Excellent. Yeah. And it was like... Is there not the point at which you go, what do you want me to do about it? See ya. You know what I did? I immediately got onto to a locksmith in Italian, told him where he was, had the, in Milan, had the locksmith go out and rescue him. Oh, why do we always jump in and rescue our kids? We just do it, don't we? Helicopter parents. Anybody that's making, please don't write what a helicopter parent on the comments.
00:32:24
Speaker
and um I was just doing what I thought was right. Please don't write that. Exactly. Exactly. So on that basis, that our kids really don't seem to have any fear. I mean, I know they do, but they don't let us as parents know that they've got any fear about doing all sorts of stuff that could damage them and cause them problems. so What are your tips for us as parents and them who are doing MIT on when they leave and go to university, what the which is for most of them, the the probably the first time they'll be away from home for prolonged periods of time out of contact at times with their parents?
Parental Anxiety Over Teen Independence
00:33:08
Speaker
The first tip is to remember that you are an expert as a parent.
00:33:12
Speaker
You know, that there is no, there are the only parenting experts are parents. All parents know what they need to do for their kids. But, and as a result of that, the, the Abbott re research showed that, um, you know, 90, was it 91% of parents worry about their, their teenagers. So if you're worrying about your teenagers, you're incredibly normal because right nine out of 10 parents worry about their teenagers.
00:33:38
Speaker
So that's that's the very, that's the first yeah thing to to not feel you know that you are a ah you know ah ah awful parent for being excessively worried. ryan And actually, um I mean, it's ah nearly eight out of 10, it's 79%. So nearly eight out of 10 UK parents aren't convinced their kids are ready to go off and be independent. So again, if you're thinking, oh, I've done a dreadful job as a parent because my kids aren't ready for independence, you're not alone. You know, the there's a not in a room of 10 parents, there'll only be two that are mistakenly believing that their kids are ready. ah Yeah. Well, but but you know also I'm guessing there's another stat that says that when most of those kids go off unprepared unprepared and unready,
00:34:27
Speaker
They're usually all right. Well, there is that. Yeah, absolutely. so And you know i as you know, Helen, from our work together, I actually never ever gave advice. I just always got you to discover the solutions within yourself. It's a sneaky way, sneaky. It's a sneaky trick our psychologists like to do.
00:34:44
Speaker
Well, but it works better that way, doesn't it? As a counsellor, I now know this. If I tell someone what to do, it's it's going to kind of bounce off the edges, whereas if I let them arrive at what they want to do, it it yeah it creates change. so So helping, I think, you know people can believe and And I would say, you know look at what you have done and look at examples of them being independent. did Did they get to go to school on their own? Did you teach them to get on a bus and go to a school and survive secondary school? Did you teach them how to do that?
00:35:20
Speaker
So you you did that, how did you do that? What were the steps that you took to get them? And often parents will go, oh, well, that was easy because I showed them the route and I helped them, ah you know, I helped them make keep their money safe. And it wasn't always successful because they'd lose their bus money, but I then helped them buy, show it, you know. So parents have already started to do that. So they have done it successfully. So one of the things is look back on what you've already done successfully.
00:35:49
Speaker
I mean, the other thing to do is, is to kind of have lots of conversations. And I know that's difficult because as I said, kids are very good at being, but you can do things in silence. You don't actually have to talk, but, you know, do they know how to use the washing machine? Have, you know, have, have you done something like say to them, put, put some washing on. And then when they stand looking at it, ah you can say, Oh, let me just show you how it works.
00:36:14
Speaker
you know So you can do things in a sneaky kind of way and you could have your own checklist depending on where they're going of um You know skills that I want them to be good at so I'd like them to be able to do more than boil an egg So get them to cook the tea or cook the tea with you or I mean um ah Again my my 12 year old granddaughter she's she's great. She's a super duper cook So no concerns about her. She might eat omelets for a year. She'll survive. But who cares? You know, that's fine. Exactly. you know And, ah and the, and Zander, my grandson, um he won a cooking competition at school. He's actually right it making chocolate fondants, the master chef disaster. He actually made. I'm sure you can live on chocolate fondants. You can live on chocolate. I reckon that's possible. You do have to correct quite a lot for them.
00:37:11
Speaker
If you're diabetic, you've got to take some insulin. Just be careful. So yeah, so there's something about preparation and you know that perfect preparation is one of those things you have to do. So lots of prepping so that if you did suddenly vanish off the scene, and you're never ever going to vanish off the scene, that's the other thing. You'll always be there.
00:37:36
Speaker
and and but i mean What you're saying, the first point you made was trust yourself effectively. You've done this before when you and they didn't know how and it was fine and some things went wrong.
00:37:47
Speaker
and things will go wrong but you've always managed to sort it out and you will manage to sort it out. And then your other point is and there's things that they're already good at, there's things you can teach them and I want to add to it, there's things that you might not think to teach them but there's phones and social media now and I've heard of countless parents who get around kind of six o'clock in the evening, their phones start to ping with, mom, how do you roast a potato? And is this the right temperature to cook a chicken? And so we've got, they're not, will reach out if they know somebody, now i ah the roast potato thing is a personal one. They're cooking a Christmas christmas dinner. how lovely My daughter and her flatmates. And she's like, your roast potatoes are the best. How do you do them? What's the recipe? I talked her through it. And no doubt she'll do a great job.
00:38:40
Speaker
Now, and that kind of does bring us back to technology. So again, there is a belief as an adult that um technology is going to offer peace of mind. So what Abbott found when they did their survey.
00:38:52
Speaker
was that again, it's quite high actually that over nine out of 10, 92% of parents believe that technologies can provide peace of mind and offer support. Now I think that has to come with a bit of a health warning. That's what the parents believe. The young people can often find that really irritating. So from a personal perspective, Zanda hates the fact that people can see his sugars. He hates it. But that's tough, basically. And that's kind of the message, which is, well, that's okay, but I need to know, you know, mum needs to know that you are
00:39:32
Speaker
um breathing, you know, that you're functioning. Yeah, especially at his age. Yeah, absolutely. Once they're over 18, it's their decision. i um Maddie keeps me watching her numbers because she likes to know that I'm a safety net. She doesn't hear her alarms sometimes in the night. She'll always hear my phone ring if I if i call her.
00:39:51
Speaker
Yeah. um So if I think she's asleep and isn't aware of ah a dangerous blood sugar, I'll give her a call. And she keeps me following her for that reason. One day she's going to say, mum, I'm sick of it. I don't need you anymore. Stop. Yeah. That'll be really tough, but it'll be good for me and I'll switch off. Yeah. And that and they will be able to tell you when they don't need you anymore. And I think that's the other thing. i you know, that actually young people, and I remember this myself, so that young people often want to be independent, but dependent. And I use, it's like interdependent. You're not completely independent because nobody is. no that's true Unless we live all on our own with no contact with anybody in the world.
00:40:36
Speaker
then and only then are we independent. But you're always dependent upon somebody. You know, yeah I'm dependent upon my you know my husband and he's dependent upon me. We kind of, you know, put tea together and drive places. And your kids still come on holiday with you. And it's great to have things like um sharing live locations. I do that when I get in an Uber,
00:41:01
Speaker
Um, am I supposed to say other, other cool, cool up taxes? or know You can say wherever you like. um Okay, fine. Well, when I get in one of those cars that you phoned up to get you, I always share my location with my husband. I've got it set up on my phone and I always share my location. He does say, why are you sharing your location? I said, so, you know, I'm safe, darling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. where i That's quite a nice one. And again, that one was, is a good one. Um,
00:41:27
Speaker
there's you know instant messaging is great I mean and all the kids are doing that they're stat chatting and and everything exactly they're all interdependent with each other they're all all of doing that and then for you know for something like diabetes of course yeah um you've got now and we talked about this earlier you know you now have the ability to not need to prick your finger and to be able to notice when you're in a situation the direction that your blood glucose is are going and to then make a decision. And it's about choice. People deserve choice. and And they can learn that if they chose not to do anything, maybe they didn't get the grade in that exam that they got. or they And so they'll think, well, you know what, the next time I will.
00:42:13
Speaker
But people have to make them, and we have to let people make their own mistakes too. And I will put my hand up and say, i have to I have this ridiculous game that I play with myself where I go, I'm being a grandma, I'm not a psychologist.
00:42:30
Speaker
but you know when I'm talking with Zonda, because what a pain in the neck to have a psychologist for a grandma. Well, I get that with, them I got told not to therapies someone last night. Yeah, welcome, welcome to my world. Yeah, that's right. Stop being a psychologist. I didn't realize I was doing it. I'm like, okay, yeah, thanks. Fair point. But that all of that sort of stuff. you know And i I think one of the great things about the Abbott research um has is to help people is to reassure people that you're not you're not but you're not strange if you worry, that um you're not strange if you actually don't feel your kids are ready to be independent. You might be wrong because they ah probably will be able to be in independent enough, but yeah every parent you walk past, there's almost that that silent, I'm one of you, parent nod. yeah hey yeah you know yeah
00:43:20
Speaker
um and And that actually technology um can help, can provide peace of mind, even if it's just your peace of mind. it And you might need to say that to your kids. And I i used to say that to to my boys. um I used to say to them, um I'm not asking you to text me to make you feel better. I'm asking you to text me to make me feel better because when if something happens to you, I want to know how to get in the car and where to go to get you. And so it's not to make you feel better. It's entirely for me. So do me, do me, do your mother a favor. Can you do that for me? Yeah. Yeah. That's all you need to do. Or say sometimes it's just about explaining how it makes you feel when you are at sea without that information. And I won't, you know, mum, I'm staying at John's tonight.
Technology Assisting Parental Security
00:44:11
Speaker
Fine. Where does John live?
00:44:14
Speaker
and nowadays and now you can do a drop just thanks drop your pin and yes it's no big deal then just press a little button drop a pin and you now know where John lives and so you are you're in a situation where you can now actually go to sleep or rather than staying all night wide awake, which I have done occasionally over the years. How it must have been for our parents. I don't know when there was no tech. Thank God for the tech. Deborah, is there somewhere where um people can access this research and information and tips from the ah from the surveys that Abbott's done? Well, ironically, ironically there was there was a little article that I wrote which was published in the Mail Online that people were really rude and I got trolled for
00:44:59
Speaker
wo Yeah, people were really horrible. They put these horrible comments on. Well, that's a whole other podcast. Well, absolutely. Yeah. And dealing with trolls. um yeah But it was, I think people took exception to the fact that they decided to do a headline that said I was a parenting expert, which of course... Oh, no one likes that. and And of course that then made my boys laugh hysterically because they said... Yeah, cool. Don't think so. So that was fine. um But i um I think I'm sure that there's there there must be um a link that so Abbott can give you. I will find it. Yeah. so Because I think these are all really interesting points and um I bet there's there's even more stuff that um has come out of it that ah that some people will be interested in. um So I will find that and I will rock it into the show notes for any of you that wants to delve into this a bit deeper.
00:45:50
Speaker
And i and i guess i wanted I guess I wanted just if it was all right, Helen, to say that, um but you know, adolescents living through adolescence as an adolescent and as ah as the parent of an adolescent is tough. yeah and And having a chronic condition will make it significantly more likely that you will face additional challenges. um But I think it's also important that people are listening need to remember that actually kids have more commonalities than differences, particularly kids with chronic conditions, they find ways to live their life well. And this whatever condition they have, it's one little
00:46:31
Speaker
part of the jigsaw. and It's one, one, it's a quote that one of the young people I worked with and she said, I realized that diabetes is just one, one bit of the big, great, wonderful, exciting jigsaw that is my life. Oh wow. I've never forgotten that. It's, and yeah and I think it's really, and that was a young person that told me that. ah Amazing. So I, you know, I do hope people just remember that that they are doing their best as a parent and that's all you can do.
00:47:02
Speaker
Do your best. No, really good point. Debra, where can people find your book or anything else that can connect you with them? um I've got a website now, which is quite exciting, which is.com.
00:47:23
Speaker
Perfect. Yeah. So that's my website. And um but least you can and you can actually just Google me and a lot of my papers and stuff will come up. So if there's a particular area of, if you put Debra Christie diabetes into Google, then some of the, some of the papers come up. And there is a book um that's still available on Amazon now on Kindle.
00:47:42
Speaker
which is good because it's it's them dead cheap on Kindle. yeah um And again, if you put Debra Christie and diabetes into Amazon, then and it's um ah living with ah diabetes for children um but and families, um psychosocial psychosocial issues, psychosocial aspects of diabetes for children, adolescents, and families.
00:48:04
Speaker
Right, um which said which sounds like a really technical way of saying it's about how you're feeling and what's going on in your life and around you. Yeah, It's a bit old now, but it's still I think the the chapters on um understanding the emotional issues, you know the the the technical stuff about diabetes management needs needs updating.
00:48:26
Speaker
I hope the publisher's listening. um but that so and we you know It could do with being re redone, but all of the stuff, all the stuff about how you manage the living with it, the really yeah important stuff, how you manage yeah the emotional demands and the social demands and the psychological demands. That's never going to change, is it? That's never going to change there. That's exactly the same. Tech might help make it a little bit easier, but It, you know, basically what comes down to is, you know, just finding a way to to get on with your life and do your best. Exactly that. Thank you, Deborah, for that insight. And I will put all of those links into the show notes for anybody who wants to know a bit more or connect with Deborah. It's been so, so nice talking with you. I've so enjoyed it. um Really good to catch up. Yeah. yeah Lovely. Thank you so much. Bye now.
00:49:17
Speaker
Thank you so much for listening. If you've enjoyed this episode, please give it a rating on your podcast app. And if you know someone who might benefit from listening, do share it with them.
00:49:29
Speaker
It also means a lot when you give me feedback. So if you have comments or suggestions for another episode, or know someone who'd like to tell their story on the Teenage Kicks podcast, do you get in touch at helen at helenwheels.com or come and find me on my blog, actuallymommy.co.uk. Head over there now for more articles on the joys and there are many of parenting a teenager. Bye for now.