Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Ep. 102: Why teenage girls have more power than you think
2 Playsin 5 hours
My guest today has written a book about how much we underestimate teenage girls, and why we’d do well as parents to listen more to what they have to say. Chelsey Goodan has interviewed dozens of teenage girls about what’s going on in their lives, and what they need from adults in order to thrive. We talk about perfectionism and self-esteem, shame around sexuality, and the best way to get teenagers to develop a healthy relationship with their phones and social media – spoiler alert, it doesn’t involve banning apps and confiscating their phones.
Chelsey talks about her own experience of being a people-pleaser as a teenager. Always wanting to be the 'good girl', Chelsey didn't realise how much this tendency was hurting her. She goes on to tell us how she became a 'recovering perfectionist' and gives some ideas to support mothers who have carried perfectionism into their parenting journey.
She also tells me that trying to protect our girls can backfire by giving them a victim mentality. Instead, she says, we need to empower teenage girls to trust their own inner voices, know what they need, and have agency over their own safety and directions. She answers the question "is social media dangerous" and has an interesting take on how we can introduce our teenagers to smartphones.
Chelsey has written a great book about how what teenage girls are really feeling and how judged they often feel. It's a brilliant explanation of what's going on for our daughters and how we can support them more constructively to be the best they can be emotionally. You can find Chelsey's book here:
- Underestimated: The wisdom and power of teenage girls (affiliate link)
- Chelsey's website
- Chelsey on Instagram
More teenage parenting from Helen Wills
Thank you for listening! Subscribe to the Teenage Kicks podcast to hear new episodes. If you have a suggestion for the podcast please email helen@actuallymummy.co.uk.
For information on your data privacy please visit Zencastr's policy page
Please note that Helen Wills is not a medical expert, and nothing in the podcast should be taken as medical advice. If you're worried about yourself or a teenager, please seek support from a medical professional.
Episode produced by Michael J Cunningham
Recommended
Transcript
Understanding Teenage Girls' Challenges
00:00:00
Speaker
but The number one thing I have learned from teenage girls is that they feel judged and misunderstood.
00:00:08
Speaker
Welcome to Season 9 of the Teenage Kicks Podcast. I'm your host, writer and psychotherapist Helen Wills. Can you believe it? When I started this podcast, there was nothing much online for parents about teenage mental health. Still less about how to cope with our own anxieties when our teenagers are going through difficult stuff.
00:00:33
Speaker
Since then, I've spoken to over 100 guests about struggles they had in their teenage years, how they've coped since, and the advice they'd offered to young adults and their parents today. We've talked
Podcast's Therapeutic Impact
00:00:46
Speaker
about all the difficult things, from anxiety to being diagnosed with an illness or getting kicked out of school. Spoiler alert, it all involves a bit of anxiety. And many of my guests have told me the conversations have felt like therapy.
00:01:03
Speaker
It's what led me to think about training as a therapist and I'm happy to say that I'm now a fully qualified counsellor. I help my clients with anxiety and depression, lost grief and bereavement, clinical illness, trauma and relationship issues and especially parents who are finding the teenage years tricky.
00:01:26
Speaker
If you think counselling might help you, you can find me at HelenWills dot.com. That's Helen Wills W I double L S dot com. I offer a free initial conversation to see if we're a good fit.
Season 9 Topics on Teenage Mental Health
00:01:41
Speaker
Now, on to Series 9, and I have some fantastic guests for you. We're going to talk about what it's like to grow up with a disabled sibling, the teenagers who are embracing a sober adolescent, how to support a child who's questioning their gender or sexuality, and teens who are people pleasers.
00:02:01
Speaker
Yes, they might be ball breakers at home, but lots of teens feel under pressure to perform for other people. And they need our help to help them stop, says one of my guests.
Debunking Myths About Teenage Girls
00:02:14
Speaker
My like today has written a book about how much we underestimate teenage girls and why we do well as parents to listen a bit more to what they have to say.
00:02:26
Speaker
Chelsea Gooden has interviewed dozens of teenage girls about what's going on in their lives and what they need from adults in order to thrive. We talk about perfectionism and self-esteem, shame around their sexuality and the best way to get teenagers to develop a healthy relationship with their phones and social media. Spoiler alert, it doesn't involve banning apps and confiscating their phones.
00:02:55
Speaker
Chelsea, welcome to Teenage Kicks. It's great to have you here. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here.
Perfectionism and People-Pleasing
00:03:01
Speaker
um Chelsea, before we talk about your brilliant book and all of the topics that are in there, um I really want to start with how we always start with the tradition is we ask everybody to say a little bit about their own teenage years and what it was like for you growing up.
00:03:20
Speaker
Yeah, well, I share a lot of those personal stories in the book, but the things that are the most heavy hitting themes for me was ah perfectionism and people pleasing in a way that I tied my self worth to achievement, to making sure everyone around me was happy, happy with me, ah that i What I have learned since is that perfectionism is a quality that's very much affirmed by society because you you do things pretty well. like You execute pretty well. I got straight A's. I never got a B. I was on the varsity tennis team. I was the star of the play. All these things that and a parent or some an adult in society would be like, wow, isn't she amazing? ah know And on the inside,
00:04:11
Speaker
And what I've learned not only in my own experience, but all the girls that that deal with this, is how gripped I was to proving myself, to showing the world I was okay, that I was good. And which is actually really putting on a show and putting on a false mask because I am a human being. And of course I was struggling just like all human beings do.
00:04:35
Speaker
And there's this disconnect, specifically with perfectionism, because you get so affirmed, you don't think it's a bad thing. yeah And so instead, though, there's this real kind of lie that you present to the world. And also people pleasing is so um disconnected from your own authenticity because you're not actually checking in with your own needs, your own things that make you happy because you're just trying to make sure everyone thinks you're great, everyone likes what you're doing, and it's very externally focused.
00:05:02
Speaker
Yeah I can so relate because that was me growing up as well and but I know where that came from and I'm I've done quite a lot of work in therapy since um because I didn't know at the time do you have any idea where it came from for you?
00:05:16
Speaker
Yeah, well, it's something certainly I've unpacked. I call myself a recovering perfectionist. a And I think it comes from a lot of any type of destabilizing environment that you have. My parents got divorced when I was 11 and I had to bounce between their houses and I was the glue. Like I was the one that felt like it I was stabilizing the chaos that if I just was perfect enough, if I did things well enough, then everything around me would be OK. There wouldn't be any pain. My parents would be happier. yeah And I find this dynamic is quite common. Any type of destabilizing force ah outside of a teenager, that a response is often achievement, perfection, people pleasing in ah trying to just make it all OK and and do your part, but it's all all unconscious, right? You're not doing it consciously.
00:06:09
Speaker
Yeah, no, I mean, I had no idea. I knew I was a perfectionist
Parental Influence and Control
00:06:13
Speaker
as ah as an older, well, probably in my 20s and early 30s, but I didn't know why. And I didn't, I just thought that was part of my psyche. Yeah, wellll also say and sorry yeah totally. And there's a lot of pressures on women in general, too, that we have to prove ourselves, right? like And that i mean that's one of the things I say to girls all the time, like, you have nothing to prove to me. And they look at me so emotionally with wide eyes, like,
00:06:36
Speaker
What? No one has ever told them that. that they It's this idea that we have to earn are our-worth in this world. yeah what Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's so true. like We can't just be what we are and be good and good enough. Yeah. and just And you have inherent value exactly the way you are. I mean, that's been kind of the radical idea I've been spreading. And ah and it's been interesting how people respond like, yeah, I love my kid the way they are, but I wish they did this, this, doesn't this, and this.
00:07:06
Speaker
Yeah well also not even that but i we want our kids to do well to be the best they can be because we're we're in the world what that's really come from, we've solved the narrative that everything's really competitive I mean you can only, you're only going to survive if you try really hard and do your best school tells people that you have to try your best. And um I think that's something that shifted in a parenting narrative in the last few years. Certainly, I never told my children that they had to get straight A's, but I did tell them they had to always try their hardest and do their best. And that is, I realize now, my kids are adults, that's
00:07:47
Speaker
That's almost just damaging. Well, and it connects to productivity too, where there's like an ah that's another aspect of my teenage years is just feeling like I had to work hard and do, do, do, do, do in that productivity. As long as I'm being productive, then I also have worse, right? Whether it's the straight A or not. um And then the way I've unpacked that is ah as Honestly, finding your authenticity more, like what actually lights you up in life? What actually gives you joy? Because productivity often is just this doo-doo-doo, get the errands done, get the the grade, do the work, ah and there's a hustle culture. And when I actually asked kids or even you know searched within what actually makes me happy, what lights me up, and when I start connecting to that, that's when there's a lot of ease. There isn't this whole beating myself up, you've got to do more. And yeah I just do things out of ease. And it's this a pretty foreign concept like, what? Things can be easy. And I've now experienced it at a really high level where there's been a lot of achievement, but there was a great deal of ease to it. And that's a really interesting thing to reveal. and
00:08:55
Speaker
Yeah, because you're just enjoying what you do and therefore success comes behind it rather than striving for success and then figuring out how to how to feel better about what you're doing. Exactly. And I feel for parents because I you know i think the motivation comes from ah teaching and protecting their kid. They want to protect them from life's pains. And as long as you teach them how to work hard or achieve, then you'll be able to protect them. And I found that it can have the reverse effect to like that sense of ah control a kid who often feels. yeah There's a natural like pushing it away, rebelling against it. And and then
00:09:34
Speaker
what's left, what's that isn't discovered is actually just would have ah what would have been authentically who they are in finding their path to success. Yeah, yeah it's interesting you mentioned control because I feel like that that business of perfectionism and trying to make everything as good as it can be, that is a control thing. it's
00:10:00
Speaker
it It has to do with safety. And it you know as you just you describe, ah you said destabilisation in a family, the more you can control things and predict them, the safer we feel.
Improving Parent-Teen Communication
00:10:12
Speaker
Exactly. So I can see why kids do that. And I've got pictures of myself in my mind's eye ah ah at quite a young age.
00:10:21
Speaker
kind of do feeling responsible for everybody else's moods in the family. No one told me to, no one put it on me. but I took it because if I could if i could make everybody happier, then i you know everything would be safe. So I was trying to control and that's where I think perfectionism comes from. did you did you talk Have you talked to your parents since discovering all that of of this about what happened for you? I have, you know, and they've read the book and ah I would say that there's been a lot of growth with my dad. My dad is very much has some really star moments in the book. I have a pretty incredible dad and
00:10:59
Speaker
He's grown a lot from reading it. I mean, just even the day, you know, there's a whole feelings chapter making space for your feelings, which is something a teenage girl really needs and people don't understand. Like adults, parents jump in to try to fix and advise and tell them the solution, tell them what to do. And girls just need someone to be like, yeah, that sucks. I'm so sorry. That's hard. You know, and there wasn't that's another part of my teenage years. There wasn't a lot of space for my feelings. I had to just power through them. Right. Because I got to achieve. and Yeah.
00:11:29
Speaker
like And so my dad, though, has since read the book. And just even just the other day, I was going through a really hard thing. And he completely listened and was like, oh, I'm sorry, Chelsea. I totally get why you feel that way. you It was amazing to see just his own self growth and how he has shown up for me. I feel like ah my mom, it's been a different journey, um which I could dive into. But I feel for moms, I feel you know I've had a lot of interaction on this press tour with moms, and it is just so hard to feel like you're doing it right. I mean, the amount of perfectionism and pressure is to be the perfect mom. I mean, there's a whole nother culture there that is continues this pattern that you learn in your teenage girl years. And I often call it our inner teenage girl and just kind of the wounds we have that set up shop, things like perfectionism or self-doubt. And then we carry them into adulthood and continue the pattern.
00:12:24
Speaker
Yeah, true. Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's, I'm a work in progress from that point of view, trying not to be a perfect mom. It's not, it's not easy. I, I, yeah, I wonder, I wonder what, ah well, maybe you can explain for you about your dad, because some I wonder how you have these conversations with parents without making them feel guilty and like they got everything wrong. right Exactly. without triggering yeah The parents that are listening, i ah you know I don't want them to walk away with more guilt. but What you talk about being able to just absorb what your child brings
00:13:05
Speaker
rather than immediately jump to fixing is something that I talk about on the most episodes of this podcast because it it it works so much better but I do have to remind myself with my own kids frequently, I get it wrong all the time,
00:13:18
Speaker
yeah Well, it's a trigger. We get triggered, like again, with our own wounds that happened. And then I find we just kind of project that story, not only onto a kid, but anyone into our life. We're constantly kind of projecting our own story. So, I mean, to me, the only thing that's in my control is my own healing, is my own work I've done around this. And I think that I had done a lot of healing by the time I came and spoke with my dad in a way that it wasn't charged.
00:13:45
Speaker
It wasn't like he had to do something to make me feel better. I had already healed myself. So it was more about loving information in exchange and honesty. And I will say to my dad's credit, he's always made it safe to tell the truth. And I think that is the starting point, certainly with a kid too. I mean, teenage girls are the best at like knowing when someone's lying to them and and they're just so tired of it. They just want people to be real with them.
00:14:12
Speaker
And I don't mean like outright law lies, but just kind of this, again, kind of putting on a show, not telling them the whole thing of what's going on. And my dad has always been a person that's like, hey, you can be real with me. Like, let's let's get to the ah bloody truth of what is going on here. yeah And they're say it takes humility. And oh to have that humility where you can reflect on, OK, we could have done this or that.
00:14:38
Speaker
I don't know, you have to have a sense of wholeness already where you're like, you know what? The fact that I messed this up does not define who I am. Like does not define that I'm a bad person or I'm a bad parent or I'm a bad kid. You know what I mean? It's kind of back to perfectionism because perfection doesn't exist. It's a completely ah wrong thing to be striving for because it's never you're never gonna get there. no So it's just an ending feeling of unworthiness. And so if you approach with this humility that like we're not perfect, we're just human beings, we're all gonna make mistakes, we're all gonna learn from them and that's really the point of life. So I think that that tone really filled my conversations with him and
00:15:20
Speaker
i That's the kind of tone that has filled a lot of my conversations now in a way that i instead there's curiosity and not judgment. And the number one thing I have learned from teenage girls is that they feel judged and misunderstood.
00:15:36
Speaker
yeah that And everyone feels judged. I mean, we're all scared of being judged at any given moment. And yeah I've learned so much from them about my own so my own adulthood and how we can help all people. But it's that, again, that feeling of safety we talk about actually is a feeling of emotional safety, psychological safety. That's what I like to cultivate, because then it's a space where there's curiosity, there's humility, there's love, rather than grit.
00:16:06
Speaker
to control of trying to just prove her perfect enough. hearing Yeah, and step away from achievement as a concept ah and just go with the real stuff and real relationships and real understanding of what's really going on.
00:16:24
Speaker
It's embracing our humanity. Like these tough these tough these tough emotions like anger, disappointment, frustration, they're totally normal human emotions and we don't make a lot of space. And when a girl, like someone tries to fix her her quote unquote negative emotion, she just absorbs it as I'm bad for even yeah feeling this yeah rather than she's human for feelings.
00:16:47
Speaker
Yeah, well, we don't like how it feels to have those emotions. So we all we instinctively try to just squash it or brush it away and ignore it. But actually, ah yeah it's just letting it be there. It makes it go away much more quickly and much more easily, doesn't it? Exactly, exactly. yeah' so Yeah, it's counterintuitive, but it works. So you're talking about experiences, that's some that's That's what's in the book, right? Lots of girl teenage girls' experiences of all of these difficulties. Right. So i I have worked with teenage girls for 16 years and I, for this book, very much had them involved in the process. So they're quoted throughout. I tell their stories. i they were part of that you know They gave notes on edits. They chose the chapter titles. A lot of it is me handing the microphone off to them so they can say what they want to say to the world.
00:17:41
Speaker
rather than me telling them what I think they should be doing. It's right. These things that you have. And the what I found is that the girls have a great deal of wisdom to share with the world and that we can all learn from it and incorporate it into our adult lives.
00:17:57
Speaker
Yeah,
Girls' Sexuality and Societal Pressures
00:17:58
Speaker
no, I love that. And so you're talking you're getting views from different people. So I guess it's quite a balanced for sure. Girls from all different types of backgrounds, ethnicities. I mean, I'm from the US, but it's been across the country. And yeah, but I mean, I found so it was just commonality after commonality wasn't I mean, I couldn't believe how consistent the message was. Right. OK, so what?
00:18:23
Speaker
I know you've talked about perfectionism and self-esteem and that's a big part of the book. but what else um What else came through as being a ah common theme for teenage girls today? right So self-doubt and ah sexuality was a big one in there, just the shame and judgment they feel around that. ah an agency, having your own agency to make choices about your life and having that respect and trust from a parent dynamic, but also you know being able to use your voice and what you think you believe to be true or what's best for you. So there's a power chapter, there's an identity chapter. Then there's also technicalities like friends, you know navigating the world of friends, ah beauty, navigating media as a chapter. So also just external forces that inform their life.
00:19:11
Speaker
So there's a lot of internal struggles that they have with shame, judgment, and then there's also the external factors that influence them. I'm really disappointed to hear that there's still shame around sexuality. It's something that I think has has really changed, um particularly with the generation that are teenagers right now, because i I've interviewed some teenagers about their sexuality and gender. um And when I've spoken to my own kids about it, they've been the picture they've painted for me is that there's
00:19:52
Speaker
There's a lot more acceptance in in their age group. and the yeah Oh, therere definitely. so there's There's been major progress, and I love Gen Z for this. Certainly in LGBTQ identifying kids, like there's so you know kids are coming out earlier in an incredible way that there's so much more acceptance.
00:20:10
Speaker
ah And I still have been often the first person that they talk to about it. And there's still so much fear, even if they're in a family that they feel is accepting. And also just the expression of their sexuality. So like a ah girl that would ah consider heterosexual, like she, ah what I hear over and over again is just her not feeling like she can get it right. She's either a slut or she's a prude and nothing she can do is right because she'll just be judged for it.
00:20:37
Speaker
So, I mean, i I did a video on slut shaming on TikTok and it was, it's hands down the most popular video I've ever posted of just teenage girls just sharing it to the day. You know, like a year later, it's constantly favorited and shared because the girls tell me just the slut shaming of, you know, they wear two score short of a skirt at school and all of a sudden they get labeled something like that and they associate yeah their expression, their self-expression to something bad and shameful.
00:21:05
Speaker
And that's where I see the baggage start collecting because there's a lot of space and permission for teenage boys to look at sexuality as something pleasure focused, right? Like they're encouraged to like, yeah, go have fun. There's something pleasure with girls. It's all about safety, protection, kind of a squashing energy of and they can't find themselves in that. They can't find who they are. They can't and they they don't feel like they have a safe place to explore it at all.
00:21:35
Speaker
And in all fairness, it's not particularly safe. like The statistics with gender-based violence are horrifying. And so you know I like to talk to them about that, though, and actually respect the fact that they are capable of discussing that. they ah Teenage girls feel crazy that no one's talking to them about sexual assault on college campuses and these violent epidemics that are happening that people don't, they just brush aside and try like to avoid and not look at and make excuses like boys will be boys. I mean, that's still happening at a very big level. So again, that's another space where there's fear around their sexuality.
00:22:11
Speaker
And ah what if if there what you know in the sex education curriculum is abysmal? like Only 11 states require that consent be taught in their sex education curriculum. So I mean, of course, boys are confused. Everyone's confused. I mean, that's that's awful, right? she's yeah yeah as a yeah I don't know if the date the statistic is fully updated, but I'm sure it's not that different. But um only 18 states require that sex education is medically accurate.
00:22:40
Speaker
You know, so that's our base level we're dealing with, let alone something about and feeling empowered in your sexuality, understanding your identity within it. I mean, instead, it's fear, fear, fear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah And I think parents also unwittingly i build that foundation in girls, unfortunately. but ah You know, I've been there with like, oh, i ah i i I think that dress looks amazing on you, but please don't wear it out on the street, and which is, a which is pure, you know, that's exactly what
00:23:14
Speaker
you it's exactly what girls are complaining about. that And um and i'm I'm cementing it because of the fear of a parent. And actually, I think maybe that's where we should start. We're going completely off track, but maybe we should start with the parents because we're so scared.
00:23:33
Speaker
about anything happening to our children that is negative or could hurt them, that we try to teach them to protect themselves from it. um I mean it it it starts with
00:23:48
Speaker
cordoning off sharp corners when they're when they're starting to crawl and goes through, you don't go anywhere near a road without holding somebody's hand until we've taught you how to cross it safely. um and Well they will say. up look that But it's it's not um I think what what parents probably don't realise, I saw an exhibition a few years back of things that women and girls were wearing when they were sexually assaulted. It's nothing to do with how they're dressed. Nothing.
00:24:20
Speaker
nothing. And I will tell you the the amount you know that I have given interviews on this topic. Everyone zeros in and focuses on what the girl is wearing nonstop talk about her crop top and her skirt. No one brings up Oh, how do we parent boys differently to control and and have a respectful yeah mentality around this? Like boys are very capable of managing their inclinations, but we don't tell them that we don't teach them that we don't put all all of the focus should be actually.
00:24:54
Speaker
on the root cause of this, which is in all fairness, male violence, so that they they are the common perpetrator. So why do we have to, I mean, we're just constantly putting a band-aid of teaching girls how to protect themselves. I mean, the amount of girls I know who have to take self-defense in school Rather than being taught consent, rather than boys being taught consent, I mean, it's mind blowing. So and there needs to be a much larger conversation around healthy masculinity and what it looks like for a boy to respect women and not objectify her and sexualize her so that we can get to the root of this rather than shaming girls, which is we And a teenage girl's relationship to her clothes is way more about her exploration of identity, her self-expression in a way that's healthy and cool and interesting. like Fashion is the way she's discovering herself. And so often, i you know the crop top she's wearing isn't going to last that long, actually. She's just exploring and figures something out about herself. and
00:25:55
Speaker
wow But instead what happens is she just feels shame and that yeah sets up shop deep inside of her. And and and I don't know. I mean, most women, adult women I know, have a lot of baggage around their body, around their sexuality that we're still unpacking.
00:26:10
Speaker
Yeah, no, it's a really good point. And I'm interested in the title of your book, The Wisdom wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls. That makes sense. Clearly that was something you discovered as you were having these conversations. Why underestimated?
00:26:25
Speaker
So this is where, I mean, we are undoubtedly underestimating teenage girls and how much they can be a part of the conversation and a part of the solutions that we are seeking rather than the know it all adult being like, you have to do this, you should do this to protect yourself or so on. And you know whether it's social media or beauty, I have engaged girls in these quote unquote difficult conversations, right? Where I'm like, what do you think? What do you think the solution is? How would you want to handle this? What kind of support do you need around this? how What do you need right now? Asking her questions where she generates solutions that are way better than stuff when I would have forced onto her, right? Her relationship to social media, they are very capable of
00:27:09
Speaker
having a healthy relationship, I've seen it, but you have to activate her sense of agency, her sense of self-trust to make good decisions for herself, but it kind of comes back to that fear. We just instead pummel them with fear and tell them they're going to be a victim to society's beauty standards, victim to sexuality, victim to ah and social media and so on. so they are a victim, consequently. And then what I've seen is when I activate her own self-trust, her own sense of, like, I know myself and what's good for me and what's healthy, what would help me, I'm going to explore this part of myself, that's where we're underestimating them.
Fostering Media Literacy and Agency
00:27:46
Speaker
And they want to be a part of the conversation and a part of making the solutions. Yeah, of course, naturally, like everyone does. And we know that about our kids and the minute that they're able to say the word no and refuse to eat something.
00:28:00
Speaker
they um sorry that's my and my dog is wailing downstairs as somebody just walked past the front door um so yeah no it's good just a question if i can divert a little bit on the social media thing because it's something that parents do get very upset about and worried about um and kids do spend far too much time on social media in many instances and I'm in Facebook groups where it did it really divides the masses so people can be very social media is a good thing it just seems to be taught properly and then there'll be a huge proportion of mothers in these groups who say not until they're 16 and you confiscate their phone the minute they do anything wrong and they're definitely going to be groomed and kidnapped and
00:28:53
Speaker
sexually assaulted if they if they're left on these apps and you more real extremes of opinion and and thinking. When you said that you've seen girls really develop their own sense of agency and ah have a responsible relationship with social media, what I think what I'll ask is what what would you say that parents would do well to be doing instead of what they are doing to help their kids. And this is a space I have and entered in a lot in these conversations because parents ask a lot about it. The media asks a lot about it. um And i I will say, of course, there are harmful things on social media. I'm not trying to say there isn't, but social media is here to stay. Phones are here to stay. They are not going anywhere.
00:29:42
Speaker
So I would rather function out of a positive, like what can we do? Like your question right now. So I i never want to be misunderstood is like, I'm like, yeah, I get that there are ah real threats. That said.
00:29:57
Speaker
What I have seen work, first of all, is starting the conversation super early when they want to phone. That is when you have the most leverage, if you will, ah in a way that incorporates a media literacy conversation where i've seen I've seen a parent, you know, okay, well, if you're going to get a phone, how about for two weeks?
00:30:18
Speaker
You know, you pull up social media accounts, you would follow and and explain them to me, like analyze and tell me what your thoughts on them are. I want to learn and do it with curiosity, not a secret agenda of judging them or evaluating them. just It gets them activating their own ability to analyze as a step rather than just input, just receiving what's on the beauty standard. so and that they they're able to engage it. So when I teach empowerment workshops, I have a work ah one of the activities is called I'm smarter than the media in a way that they can be smarter than an advertisement telling them that they should look a certain way. They yeah are. I mean, girls know how to tear apart ah an advertising campaign or some type of pressure on their beauty. And again, where we're underestimating them. But so you activate it at the very, very early on in a way that you show trust, you show respect for her thoughts, you show respect for her intellect.
00:31:11
Speaker
And that's when I see ah a good foundation laid. And then it's also good to like, everyone asks, when should they have a phone, you know, and these kind of technical things. I say, you know, watch TV shows with you're your kid.
00:31:25
Speaker
you know, ones that you're actually into and discuss it with her. Again, no secret agenda. Like, why do you think she likes him? Why do you think he likes her? What do you think, you know, just say, what do you think? I always phrase things as a question with that genuine curiosity, because then you start realizing what their maturity level is in terms of and receiving, interpreting all these messages, the messaging that comes at them so intensely.
00:31:48
Speaker
and empower, again, their ability to engage with it and find their voice and their sense of values ah that is much larger than what's being told to them.
00:31:59
Speaker
Yeah I think that's so important if you can be a part of what they're interested in rather than a judge of it then you do get an awful lot more out and you also you do have to you do have to accept that you're not going to get your kids to operate the way you want them to but then Nor should they because you're not perfect yeah and and they need to find their own way that works for them. But I'm thinking about, um ah I used to watch Love Island with my daughter and and I wrote a blog post about this that she was 13 and we were watching Love Island together and some people really thought that was far too young.
00:32:39
Speaker
And if you view it as a 13 year old shouldn't be exposed to this level of a kind of fake, there's a lot of false falseness in the contestants on Love Island, or um the body image stuff, and the, you know, it can be a bit explicit.
00:32:59
Speaker
if you view it that way then it's not a good thing to watch but if you view it as ah as you just said that you made me you reminded me of it when you're saying why do you think she likes him what do you think about what she's done to her lips or whatever it is then you do you do have interesting conversations and you have a chance to not I wouldn't say influence because influence implies telling them that you don't like their lips and stuff therefore they shouldn't like their lips but and they're never ever going to let you have that. but but This is my concern. They will rise to the occasion when they feel heard and respected, then they tend to respect you more.
00:33:37
Speaker
and That's true, yeah, it's not just a battle. Well, Chelsea, really interesting conversations, actually. We didn't just talk about the things we said we would talk about, because that's obviously testament to the the amount of stuff that's in your
Empowerment Through Chelsea's Book
00:33:49
Speaker
book. um It's available in the UK, right? Yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:33:54
Speaker
OK, and I believe there's a paperback available in the UK. I'll put a link. Yes, please. No. And then on you can go on my web website, too. And I have a book club guide. It's a really good book for mom book clubs, women book clubs. I mean, you don't even have to be a mom. Like, honestly, a lot of women without kids are like, oh, my gosh, it healed my inner teenage girl. Right.
00:34:13
Speaker
And the way this chapters are structured, even if you don't do all the reading that week for the book club, you still have something to say on these topics. And the book club guide is kind of fun with some prompts and stuff. so you Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah. Yeah. Very good idea. Great for teachers, I would imagine. Yeah. Yeah. I just did a speaking engagement with teachers to engage them on it too. Yeah. There's a lot of different angles into this conversation that are really meaningful.
00:34:36
Speaker
boom OK, I will put a link there and to your web website. And are you on social media? Yes. So please follow me. Instagram is best at Chelsea Gooden. And I'm always you know sharing clips on there and things that are hopefully helpful. Amazing. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you. This is a wonderful conversation. Thank you so much.
00:34:58
Speaker
Thank you so much for listening. If you've enjoyed this episode, please give it a rating on your podcast app. And if you know someone who might benefit from listening, do share it with them.
00:35:09
Speaker
It also means a lot when you give me feedback. So if you have comments or suggestions for another episode, or know someone who'd like to tell their story on the Teenage Kicks podcast, do get in touch at helen at helenwheels.com or come and find me on my blog, actuallymommy.co.uk. Head over there now for more articles on the joys and there are many of parenting a teenager. Bye for now.