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59. Recovery Is Not Linear, with Jim Tripp of Modern/Haunted
12 Plays18 hours ago
Part 2 of our sobriety series, a little more on the esoteric side of the coin of addiction and recovery this week. Frankly, the title says it all. <3 Make sure to join us on Patreon this week to listen in on an extra special bonus episode (available to all tiers!) with Jim joining both Molly and Christina in a TRULY wide-ranging conversation. LOL
As before, please note the following content and trigger warnings: depression/suicide, substance abuse, relapse, recovery, trauma, S/A, and homelessness.
Please follow Jim’s furniture business, Modern/Haunted: House & Home on TikTok and Instagram: @modernhaunted
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/modernhaunted
We're so grateful you're here! If you like what you’re hearing, you can find more exclusive content by supporting us on Patreon: www.patreon.com/soulpodthepodcast - especially if you want that freeeee exclusive bumper sticker hehehe. We can’t wait to see you over there!
You can also follow us on Instagram: @soulpodthepodcast, or email us directly at soulpodthepodcast@gmail.com.
Molly does tarot readings online and locally in Massachusetts: https://www.thehighpriestesscoaching.com/
Christina sells delicious microgreens in the greater Detroit area: https://www.christinasgreens.com/
Hosts: Christina Bell & Molly Wilde
Music: The Confrontation, by Jonathan Boyle, licensed from Premium Beats by Shutterstock
Editing: Molly Wilde
Disclaimer: The purpose of this podcast is for entertainment and enjoyment. We are not professionals in any regard. We do not have professional knowledge, training, or education in physical health, mental health, or spiritual matters. Any suggestions or recommendations made during our episodes should be independently researched by the listener before considering implementation, or better yet, listeners should ignore everything we say. We cannot be held responsible or liable for anything we say, or any actions taken by any persons as a result of listening to our podcast episodes. Stay safe, stay informed, stay smart.
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Transcript
Introduction to Documentaries and Filmmaking
00:00:26
Speaker
sleepy Yeah. It's kind of late. It's almost 10. It's PM. Yeah. 10 PM. 10 PM.
00:00:37
Speaker
Um, we just got finished watching documentary number two. Yes. Um, I don't think we actually even explained the documentaries.
00:00:48
Speaker
I don't think we mentioned them yesterday. Last week, as it were. Yes. Maybe briefly in passing, but yeah. Yeah. I mean, we,
Focus on Sobriety and Legal Concerns
00:00:57
Speaker
you talked about filmmaking and working in the film industry. I'm Jim again. Jim again. Hi. In case you couldn't tell that I'm not Christina.
00:01:06
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Um, you know, it's a, it's a close call. But, um, yeah, it's Jim again. We're back again. We're talking sequel, sequel ish, kind of, um, you know, we're,
00:01:23
Speaker
we're, I guess, focusing a little more on sobriety. Breaking HIPAA laws. Breaking HIPAA laws.
00:01:31
Speaker
Um, but like, I guess maybe the conversation might get
Exploring Addiction Stories and Film Making
00:01:36
Speaker
a little more, as you said, esoteric. I couldn't think of that word last night.
00:01:41
Speaker
Right. Um, but today might be the esoteric day. Um, more so. Yeah. Um, Yeah, because it's, you know, and don't even, I don't know where this conversation is going to go.
00:01:55
Speaker
We'll see. it will probably range widely. the Wide ranging. It's, I mean, everything is wide ranging. Everything is complex when it comes to life in general.
00:02:10
Speaker
Everything is computer. Everything is computer. If you're our president sitting in a Tesla. thank you Oh Gross. Anyway.
00:02:21
Speaker
Oh my God. Well, percent you didn't say that. Um, Hey, i either way, it's going to be, it's going to down in history. history good So
Life and Filmmaking in Brooklyn
00:02:29
Speaker
we might as well highlight the, uh, or, you know, point out the highlights of the presidency. Oh yeah. I think that was one of them.
00:02:40
Speaker
If not the only, yeah but yeah. So like, there's um i i don't know there's a complexity to the story that is it's um not easy to convey in words and i think that's actually kind of what your documentary achieved documentaries first achieved i will ask you what you mean but first as back as backstory you should explain them um I was just living in Brooklyn back in 20, uh, recently graduated from college in 2010. Right.
00:03:14
Speaker
And I was living, I met some friends, a good group of friends at restaurant I worked with shout out to Mona Lisa. I don't think it's there anymore. Bensonhurst, deep Brooklyn.
00:03:25
Speaker
Um, but, uh, yeah. And I
Lost Documentary and Nomadic Experiences
00:03:28
Speaker
just kind of like had a new camera I got for a project and I was just using it filming.
00:03:36
Speaker
Anything. Everything. Yeah, everything. And then edit it edited it did edited it down to little consecutive nuggets of interest.
00:03:47
Speaker
That really actually like came together in somewhat of a storyline. Right? Right. only I didn't... I had a third one. Yeah. The third one really tied it all together. there were You wouldn't believe plot twists.
00:04:00
Speaker
who Matt and Kayla get together. Whoa! They've been together for years. wow I know. my god. was a little foreshadowed lightly in that one, but yeah.
00:04:10
Speaker
Anyway. Wow. Right. Yeah. um So we watched the first one yesterday before we recorded um our previous episode.
00:04:24
Speaker
Yep. And then we just watched the second one now before recording this one. And you specifically wanted you wanted to watch them for your own sake, but also you wanted me to watch them I hadn't seen them in years. So, and like and every now and then, you know, I just get like, kind of like a sound bite from them, like and floating through my head and they're like, yeah man, that'd be fun to watch again. But yeah,
Reflections on Past Documentaries and Friendships
00:04:46
Speaker
hasn't been very, i haven't really had the opportunity being so kind of nomadic recently. I'm not going to be carrying around external hard drives everywhere I go.
00:04:54
Speaker
Right. That could easily get destroyed. Lost or destroyed for sure. And as I said, i already had a third edited, completely edited shot and edited. Completion to would-be trilogy that I had... if only I had exported once from the Final Cut yeah project, it would not have been lost.
00:05:11
Speaker
But that one did. That one it did. So... We're tired. It'd be sad if the other two were... Yeah, but, you know, the other two, they they exist and they're really nice. They're good.
00:05:26
Speaker
Yeah. They're very good time capsules. It's interesting because, like, you know, initially... my thought was like, okay, I feel like I'm going to maybe be a little lost. Or bored.
00:05:37
Speaker
Or bored. i didn't draw to I didn't want to say that I would be bored, but I was just like, I'm not sure. It's a tough thing to pitch. It's like, watch me goof off with my friends for three hours. That I've never met. Right. That I may never meet.
00:05:48
Speaker
don't know. And this is all 15 years ago. Right. Like the same time that I was starting college. Yes. But, um and wait, I will let you finish. Thank I'm
Impact of Addiction on Relationships
00:06:00
Speaker
gonna let you finish.
00:06:02
Speaker
But is it is worth noting because it is like the start of when I, you know, regularly were using drug or sampling various drugs for my first time and smoking weed much more regularly and getting drunk much more often. and Yeah. and And had a group, a very close knit group of friends who would as well. Also, that yeah. and they will You know, I mean, quitting or like it wasn't even a,
00:06:28
Speaker
conversation at that point it was like you know yeah quitting i was starting you know yeah right and like you kind of in a way you like pitched you you pitched the idea of watching them for the fact of like it being the beginning of your addiction like and you know depicting it because you know like we said yesterday slash last week last episode yes um i've never known him not in active addiction until now.
00:07:00
Speaker
And so like, you
Charlie’s Influence and Addiction’s Complexities
00:07:02
Speaker
know, i I only have seen like a small piece of your life. And so now I feel like I've seen more of it, yeah even though like I've gotten to know your family and like, I feel like I know them well enough.
00:07:15
Speaker
Like they, I don't know, like they feel familiar to me now. Like I've known, I ah have known them for years now yeah and you know, I feel like I've known them for longer than I have actually. Right.
00:07:26
Speaker
but you know there's not a whole lot of your friends from like pre you know deep addiction that i've ever there's any of your friends from pre-deep addiction that honestly you uh i was thinking you might be my only like current friend that that doesn't end up still end of sentence no your only current friend oh no no i was gonna say that like it what wasn't also you know in the crystal meth community as it were or i like you know that what i wasn't smoking with or whatever so right you're only your only sober friend yes you're only only non-using friend yes um yeah and i you're right about that i am think so yeah um but that's not to say that i didn't always not have i used to have normal friends too right right and like you know even that's actually kind of what i
00:08:23
Speaker
when you were like going to ask what I mean, like, I think that's kind of what I was going to try to get at I forgot what I was just asking what you when I, when I was talking about like looking at, okay.
00:08:34
Speaker
So i want this to not come across totally dickish. So I'm going to try, um, like humanizing addiction, like specifically talking or thinking about like Charlie,
00:08:50
Speaker
And how I think I know I told you like all the stories you've ever told me about him. Like, I kind of had him in my head as a villain because of the way that he kind of introduced you to the world of drugs.
00:09:05
Speaker
Charlie is was my best friend that era. And kind of kind of the co-star of the. Yeah. Like if I was filming, he was usually. you know, at least for the most, at least for the first one, like 90% camera, you know?
00:09:18
Speaker
And was kind of like the yeah co-host. Yeah. Yeah. And he's a, he's genuinely funny, interesting guy. Like, um, and that's the thing is like, before I watched these with you, villainous was top descriptor in my head for him.
00:09:35
Speaker
Like, even if
Sharing Addiction Stories and Human Connections
00:09:36
Speaker
I, you know, might've inherently or intellectually understood, like that wasn't who like, who he was yeah like i was just like well who does that who like drags someone down with them you know to like into these all these all these bad habits you know it's it like who you know how can you consider that person a friend and like now seeing ah reality of who he was and like okay i get it i get it i fucking get like he's human he's real yeah um
00:10:12
Speaker
like it's, you know, that's, I think what I mean. And like, you know, humanizing the process of, of how you started down that road rather than just be sort of, you know, cause like I said, you spawned out of the the ether to me, fully formed addicted.
00:10:33
Speaker
Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. um And so it's like getting to know, like, the you that I,
Journey to Sobriety
00:10:42
Speaker
that I know, cause I watched you and I was like, well, that's the gym. I know that's the gym you've always been in those movies in those movies. Same.
00:10:50
Speaker
Yeah. That's good. Yeah. Like it's the, it's the same you, but just like, you know, pre all of the deep dark shit that you went through. Right. I mean, very, I think very like good.
00:11:02
Speaker
baby. for So little. Before, I think for me, what's even weirder is what not and even watching me pre like drug addiction, but pre like toxic relationship. Right. That's so weird. Traumatized you? like Yeah, when I'm still optimistic and like looking for... You're just like, I want to fall in love.
00:11:23
Speaker
Yeah, I'm like, oh my god. Wow, what is that like? Nerd. my god. yeah No, but for real, like there's so much like outside like outside but um you know but still somewhat related to you know the path of addiction that did traumatize you.
00:11:42
Speaker
Yeah. It changed you a lot. Yeah. And, and, and yet you're still like so fundamentally
Experiences with Rehab and Recovery
00:11:48
Speaker
the same. That's good. Yeah. Um, and also like, it wasn't, I remember like how I became friends with Charlie. Like we, he, you know, actually I'd become friends with his girlfriend Kayla first working in the, you all worked there, right?
00:12:02
Speaker
Uh, did Charlie actually, ah did he work there? He was a delivery guy briefly there. Okay. And then got fired. Oh yeah. He dented the van. Right. Right. But what's funny is like, I actually wanted to like, it's crazy actually. Cause like they became like my best friend and it was from working there, but I was the first of the group to work there.
00:12:21
Speaker
And like, I had become friends with the other people. um that worked in the restaurant like and i just thought it was a kind of like it was very just kind of like crazy fun like so basically i wanted to make a movie about i don't know if i showed you this either i will later the movie of the of working there yeah and there was a clip of it yeah i mean that's an easy one that's like 10 12 minutes we can do that sometime these ones are like two hours anyway yeah but um uh yeah no sorry i just like wanted to make a uh movie about you know a semi-documentary semi or not documentary but like semi fictitious very based in reality you know version of like a shift yeah like like a scripted yes yeah a narrative um and like that girl she's in the that movie briefly this girl britney who worked there like was kind of like my buddy and we
The Importance of Personal Desire in Recovery
00:13:07
Speaker
had this secret handshake and we'd always like you know kind of just like whatever had a very it was very um platonic but very like you know But at the last night, like, my buddy Owen came down from Massachusetts to down to Brooklyn to shoot it and everything. Like, we were ready to go. And, like, she just, like, didn't show up to shoot, to play herself, basically. And, like, this new girl, Kayla, was, like, there.
00:13:26
Speaker
And I was like hey, want to be in a movie? And she was like, what? And I was like, yeah, you have to play a girl named Brittany. The rest of us are playing characters with our own names, but you have to play Brittany. She was like, all right. So, like, we became friends. And, like, through the shoot process, kind of, like, then Charlie came, you know, kind of.
00:13:42
Speaker
whatever was there, he, you know, got hired or whatever. But as I was leaving work one day, you know, or not as he was leaving work, I was behind the bar and he was like leaving, you know, he was Oh, man, time to go smoke myself to sleep.
00:13:54
Speaker
And I just got like, ah I know, I know what that's like. you know And like, that was actually the start of our friendship. And then like, i remember specifically once after you know, we had smoked weed, to be clear, a couple times and like just, you know, hung out I remember expressing to him like my desire to like, there must be a more efficient way of doing this. you know like Smoking is like a very social ritual, but ah still a ritual. And I was doing it a lot of the times like you know in my parents' backyard, trying to get away with it, and the clouds of smoke. And like it's just not a very discreet way to get high. And I remember being like you know i saying like you know the idea of like popping a pill or something for the same or similar effect
00:14:33
Speaker
it was appealing to me. And he was like, ah, all right. I'm like, well, we'll talk, you know, like, so like, it i was like, yes, he did like lead me down that path, but it was definitely not unprompted. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I mean, he wouldn't have been able to, if the interest wasn't there anyway, but like, yeah, like it's just, I guess, you know, from my own, even though this, I mean, it seems maybe not unfounded, but like, I just, like I did and still do have this like,
00:15:03
Speaker
protectiveness feeling over you to the point of just like sort of being like anybody who would like choose to like do something like that or like help you in that direction it's just like you know um is is you know concerning to me to say the least and so that's you know why I had the impression that I did of him but now like you know like I told you he reminds me of my own friends from high school and stuff like, yeah.
00:15:34
Speaker
Yeah. And he, um, I'm a little
Tragic Loss and Harsh Realities of Addiction
00:15:37
Speaker
bummed I'll never get to meet him. Yeah. That was, I was kind of get into that a little bit. yeah He like, uh, you know, basically the only two drugs he never, well, only two, but like, of, of like, you know, the 10 or so that like circulate, you know, uh, we never, obviously never brought heroin slash, you know, fentanyl or whatever, as we know it now.
00:16:01
Speaker
or as it became to the table and we never had like crystal meth was never. So he never tried that. Not to my knowledge. Yeah. So you guys never, it was like that was after game years later. Yeah. Um, and, but And I knew that he had had a problem with heroin in the past. I knew that he had been to rehab for it.
00:16:20
Speaker
Okay. But like, uh, it was, it had come to over the time he had to move move back home to his, you know, with his family to Maryland and it came to light that he was using behind closed doors.
00:16:32
Speaker
And I'm not sure how long, you know, I don't know if he was during any of that, but, um, of the of those films, I mean, we just as showed you but, uh, yeah, no, unfortunately also, i think 2013 or so uh, committed suicide.
00:16:46
Speaker
um and
Critique of Interventions and Self-Driven Recovery
00:16:47
Speaker
there was a lot of speculative speculative reason as to why you know i'm you know and and it sucks too that we didn't like really actually end on a good note yeah um you know i but yeah yeah uh i think that he's like you know I'm sure like whatever, like it was a disagreement about like a fucking like gas bill or something that we like, he just never paid his portion of. And I was like, I needed the money that day. And then like, it didn't come. And of course i was just like, you know, fuck you, man.
00:17:19
Speaker
Yeah. And then just didn't text each other for a while. And then, you know, I got, I saw his fucking little brother's Instagram. about wolf Yeah. Right. God. Yeah. yeah. Yeah.
00:17:32
Speaker
so yeah Recovery is good. as I understand it so far. Yeah. I mean, so I guess we can get into like, you, yeah I mean, we did mention you went to rehab one time before 2019. Didn't really stick. Didn't really stick.
00:17:57
Speaker
But again, you know, here's the thing about rehab or recovery is that like, there's no, I was going because of the intervention, you know, was saying yes to people. You kind of were cornered in into it. It really is. Like it's, yeah. You tricked. Okay.
00:18:14
Speaker
Yeah. I don't think that interventions are a very good idea. At least not as a way to send people to rehab. It's a good way to start discussion. They're well-intentioned. I think that they're less effective than they should be right i think it's a good way to like open up a conversation about it yeah and you know especially yeah no one wants to find out on like podcasts for instance risk um but no it's a good way to like cat like have an open honest conversation with friends and family and you know or whatever you know i think maybe like everything that was said to you during your intervention was probably stuff you really needed to hear yeah but like you know it's it's still
00:18:55
Speaker
aye in the end, like, you weren't necessarily ready. And you can, like, tell guys in rehab who, like, you know, they're not, have had it, and who, like, I mean, actually, no, you can't, sometimes it surprises you, you know, there are guys that, like, you know, are very loud and vocal and, like, articulate in, like, speaking in groups and, like, expressing their, like, you know, interest in changing and regrets and whatever, and then all of a sudden they, like,
00:19:22
Speaker
leave against medical advice overnight and everyone's just kind of like, what? Rich left? Like what? You know, and that sort of thing. So I guess, no, you can't tell. Um, but yeah, a lot of the time you can, you know, you can just tell what a guy's like wants to be there and it'll stick.
00:19:40
Speaker
And, um, that can only, you can only do that when you want, when you really want to, you know, you know, you have to go on your own volition or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Which, you know, this time around,
00:19:53
Speaker
in a fashion it was on your own volition. mean you did, you had to experience the tower moment yeah as we say in the tarot. Um, you did have to experience a tower moment to, you know, sort of find yourself there.
00:20:09
Speaker
Yeah. And I was pretty honest at
Balancing Normalcy and Sobriety
00:20:11
Speaker
this most recent time, I should say, you know, the past, you know, my, basically all of August, August, 2025. Pretty much exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Um,
00:20:20
Speaker
But, uh, you know, i' was pretty honest the first week, week and a half about, you know, and I was there like, yeah, no, I'm kind of here because of like my except circumstantial and, um, situational reasons. You know, i can't, I can't honestly say I'm here. Like, because you decided it's today. Right. Right. Yeah.
00:20:38
Speaker
Um, but I think in being there, it was sort of less so that I want to stop smoking meth and more so that I just want a normal life and both things can't be true. Right.
00:20:49
Speaker
yeah because i don't really want to stop you know yeah but the desire for that outweighs that yeah yeah the desire for the normal life yes outweighs the desire for the high yeah um and i'm grateful that for that yeah yeah yeah you because it's like you know Yeah, that's the other thing too, is, you know, as we humanize addiction, we also got to humanize sobriety and recovery in terms of like, it's not black and white. It's never like just a, are rarely, because never say never, but it's rarely just a, someone wakes up one day and is like, it's time for me to clean up my act.
00:21:33
Speaker
Right. And, you know, like suddenly they just don't want any of it anymore. You know, it's simply ah transition period really. Yeah. You know, cause you may reach a time where you're
Humanizing Sobriety and Embracing the Journey
00:21:44
Speaker
finally like, you know what?
00:21:45
Speaker
don't want it. You, you don't, you don't know that for sure, but like you might, you might get to a place. You don't want the high anymore. Oh, right. Yeah. No, apparently that is, that's what they say. Yeah. Like it's just a matter of like reaching, you know, a certain stage in the the normalized life, like the stable life. Yeah.
00:22:04
Speaker
Um, where, you can feel and see the effects of that stability and, and see like, you know, the way that it is more worthwhile than any, you know, temporary instant gratification yeah of any drug. Yeah.
00:22:24
Speaker
Um, remember I used to say like, i want to want to quit. Yeah. That was like a pretty good line. like yeah you know i was just like, wow, you are so dodging the point. Exactly. exactly yeah i mean It was like my way of saying, like I don't want to, and I'm not going to.
00:22:41
Speaker
um but like it like you know but But one step removed. Right. It was still like a smokescreen. Yeah. it was i mean It was a way of avoiding having the conversation.
00:22:53
Speaker
Yeah. Which, you know, I was just sort of like, all right, I guess I can't keep harassing you about it. Yeah. I mean, also I think both ADHD people and addicts are like people who tend to, you know, if you tell them not to do it, they're going to do it. Right. Right. And vice versa.
00:23:16
Speaker
Yeah. It's the, um, pathological demand avoidance. Oh, sure. Is in,
ADHD, Addiction, and Personal Boundaries
00:23:22
Speaker
in the ADHD and autism, vernacular or whatever they call it, you know, it's PDA.
00:23:31
Speaker
Pathological domain avoidance. And I have that to a T. Like, absolutely. The moment you tell me to do something, i am like, no. No more. i might have wanted to do it two seconds ago. No longer. And it made and like it makes me feel like, well, I mean, it's a good, I think it's a good argument to be made for, you know, legal, not legalizing, but decriminalizing and yeah harm reduction and all that shit. Yeah, yeah. We've talked about harm reduction a fair amount.
00:23:59
Speaker
We have. Since you, since you come to stay. Oh, we have? Well, yeah, a bit. Oh, okay. You talked about, like, certain ways that you feel like I was, like, maybe even subconsciously just, like. Oh, oh, yeah. yeah Yeah.
00:24:14
Speaker
Kind of being a harm reduction. I don't know how to phrase that. Well, there was definitely a point where, like, you stopped. I stopped tolerating certain things. I mean, like, and, I mean. We don't have to get into details that don't want to. Well, no, no, I just meant, like, um.
00:24:29
Speaker
you know, there was a time when you would like drive me, drive you know, drive me to pick up something. And then you said, I'm not going to do that anymore. Right. And like, you know, you're like kind of like, yeah, your tolerance of, or willingness to enable was never like went all the way away, but it was like, you know, you definitely like cut it down in increments. I was just sort of like, like, I don't know.
00:24:51
Speaker
Initially, I don't, initially don't think I knew you well enough to be able to be like, like, don't know. ah there was a small ah part of me that was like, okay, i don't want to be like a fucking stick up the ass, you know? And then, you know, as I got to know you more and care about you more, like, I was like, I i don't feel good about this.
00:25:13
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, I, and, and yet at the same time, like I still sort of like tried to provide like a safe container you. for you Because I was like, well, he's going to do it anyway, so um he might as well, like, not get injured on my watch, you know? i mean, you still definitely set boundaries as you went to, like, yeah as you learned of them. Yeah, and appreciate you hearing me through those and and, you know, respecting them. Yeah. Because you are the first person that I knew who very clearly, like, listened to me in respecting boundaries but i like that I laid down clearly. Because, like, I think
00:25:53
Speaker
I was never comfortable before trying to with people. I'm terrible at boundaries. I know. I like every day. but you listen to me and it like made me, it really changed a lot of things for me internally, like completely, like even outside of like our relationship, like it, for me, I'm just like, Oh my God, now I understand what it feels like to be like respected that way.
00:26:16
Speaker
like okay, I'm not tolerating anything else from anyone else. Like, you know, it it made it a lot easier for me to stand up for myself in general in my life. That's good. Yeah.
00:26:27
Speaker
It's one of the lessons that I do believe that, like, you were you put in my path for me to have to learn. Truly. But, you know, and it's honestly, it was circumstances that, like, maybe there was no other way for me to learn it.
00:26:41
Speaker
Even though they were of sucky. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Yeah. Yeah.
00:26:51
Speaker
Anyway, sorry. no i forgot what I was going to say. was going to say something else i forget. It's okay. It'll come to me. Harm reduction? Maybe. i kind of remember some
Social Dynamics in Rehab
00:27:00
Speaker
Boundaries? Oh, boundaries, yeah. yeah Yeah, no. i mean, just like in rehab, like right a lot of people don't have cigarettes.
00:27:10
Speaker
And cigarettes are like the one thing. They're the hot commodity. they're like that Well, they're just like the, I don't know. The one thing everyone can enjoy, as you Yeah, it's like, i mean, they they say that, like, if that's the only... Like, I mean, I think that they kind of were the only thing that, like, got us through the day to look forward to it the smoke breaks, which is weird. And they say that if that's the case, then you're probably not doing a great job of recovery in your early recovery. I'm like, well, whatever, dude.
00:27:35
Speaker
Give me some flack, man. yeah but Baby steps. Yeah. But, um yeah, no, I would hate to have gone without a cigarette during those. So, like, if anyone...
00:27:46
Speaker
if when everyone asked me for one, i like had a really hard time saying no. And I, each day I'd be like, all right, I'm only going to give one out. But then you also like get the guys that like bum them and like, Oh man, my pack, my carton's coming in like a today, tomorrow.
00:28:00
Speaker
And then it comes in and then they get stingy after like bumming. So i'm like, ah, that's not, I didn't have to bum many. I bummed out a lot more than I personally bummed myself. But, uh, you know, I just, I just, I don't know. I mean, also it's probably just being a people pleaser. Hmm.
00:28:16
Speaker
but it's hard it's really really hard also like yeah i would i mean it sucked to like see some kids like standing around like you know hoping to like get it like someone would offer like you know the rest of theirs or something i just didn't i whatever i'm you know you yeah yep i just wish i was paying for them myself sorry mom and dad thank you for the cigarettes and rehab and as it's so it says like 20 other guys there oh my god Oh man.
00:28:50
Speaker
ASMR. Eating ice. Uh, frozen water. For the record. Eat the rich and eat ice. Frozen water. Oh my god.
00:29:01
Speaker
I smoked for like three months. Once. What? What? Did ever tell you about that? Oh. Smoked weed. Cigarettes. Cigarettes. Oh. I did smoke weed. Yeah. I did. Okay. i was really confused. Yeah, no.
00:29:16
Speaker
i I went through, like, one summer after my own, like, towel moment. Mm-hmm. Where I was just like, fuck it. But they never, like, latched.
00:29:27
Speaker
The tower. My own tower. Yeah, caused you smoke cigarettes. The tower caused me to throw away everything that I had, like, previously immediately assumed about my own identity.
00:29:39
Speaker
oh Which included, like, being a non-smoker. Mm-hmm. But then I was like, eh. That's Yeah. That's I feel, i feel grateful that i didn't stick with it.
00:29:53
Speaker
Yes. But, uh, God, it was so stupid. I was like, I, I hated the way that people looked at me. Like, not just like, you said you smoked American spirits, right? No, actually I smoked Pommels. Oh, myals the because it reminded me of the friend that I had from high school that smoked those. Oh yeah.
00:30:11
Speaker
Um,
Coping Mechanisms for Emotions
00:30:12
Speaker
they smelled really good, but yeah. I remember like the very first day that I had them, that I was smoking them. Well, second day, really, technically.
00:30:23
Speaker
Walking out of the apartment building that i lived in. And this guy, it was like a weird horseshoe-shaped building. And this guy that lived upstairs in like the opposite side, that i don't know why I knew him, because he was really annoying, but like I knew him.
00:30:40
Speaker
Like, I guess was looking out the window or watching out the window when I walked out the door from my side. And the moment he saw me, like, pop the cigarette in my mouth and, like, start to light up, he throws the window open and leans out. He's like, get that thing out of your mouth right now.
00:30:57
Speaker
What the fuck are you doing? You're disgusting. Whoa. And was like, fuck you, Mike. Whoa. Judgy, man, judge your pants. God damn.
00:31:08
Speaker
Okay. Not bad advice. Not bad advice, but also know your place, son. Sorry if I spat on you. That's okay. It was a heated moment. It was. It was really shocking.
00:31:19
Speaker
was just, I mean, yeah he never did that. Yeah, mind your business. He leans all the way out of his window and just starts screaming at me, and I'm just like, fuck off, man. Yeah. Whoa. right Yeah.
00:31:30
Speaker
Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it was a weird moment. Yeah. For sure. but yeah, that whole year was fucking weird. It was 2015.
00:31:39
Speaker
So, um, yeah, for me. Okay. Anyway, you were in brooke Boston. I was in Boston. i was, was in school. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, that was a complete sidebar. That's okay. Don't ruin my candle.
00:31:58
Speaker
ah Um, yeah. So what else? Sobriety. Yeah. You're so like, okay, I guess the next thing to sort of like, don't know we're going chronologically, like currently you're in an outpatient program that's pretty intensive. IOP.
00:32:23
Speaker
Yeah. um And hoping to find sober living situation. Yeah. Any news on that right now or? i met with the guy today. Right.
00:32:36
Speaker
And I told him that that was on my, yeah, no, he was like, he was like, all right. He had a list of things that I apparently said I wanted to take care of. I don't remember. Like it was not a very accurate list. Okay. It was like crystal methamphetamine. was like, yeah, that's check priority. Second, he was like, uh, like traumatic, uh, past. was like, yeah.
00:32:56
Speaker
who Then it was like, deal with abuse of amphetamine substance. was like, yeah. ye He was like, that's redundant. i was like, yeah. yeah And then fourth was like, tobacco use.
00:33:08
Speaker
i was like, I didn't take that off. I didn't say that. but Not a priority right now. yeah yeah But I did put sober living on that list. Okay, good. yeah Yeah. And there's their like, I mean, I would assume that if there was a timeline, you would have mentioned it.
00:33:25
Speaker
Yeah, well, i meet with him once a week. But there is like a website. mean, I felt bad about taking the last flyer last time. So I didn't, which is probably stupid. Because someone took it.
00:33:38
Speaker
But yeah, no, see if there's more. all There's a link basically that has a grants grants and, um you know, sober houses in this general area. Yeah. I mean, I can apply, you know, it's just like, I think they will help me.
00:33:52
Speaker
Like, get in. Well, yeah, I remember last time i was in RCA in 2019, you know, in rehab. Yeah. nineteen RCA is doing the outpatient currently that you're in. Yes. And they were, they ran the rehab that you went to in 2019. Yes. Just we're totally there.
00:34:09
Speaker
Yes, but my August inpatient was a different place. Yeah, it was a different place in Worcester. Yep. Oh, yeah, so, yeah, they helped me find a sober house in Yonkers,
00:34:23
Speaker
Which is a very funny name for a town. Yeah, from R.S. Oh, you're talking about 2019. Okay, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, fucking don't understand Yonkers. What what were they thinking? I mean.
00:34:35
Speaker
Yeah, so they helped you find a super living. That sounds like cartoon town. does. Like, in like, I don't know. don't even know. Some cartoon world. Yeah. I have no idea.
00:34:46
Speaker
The Jetsons. I don't know. Not even. Yeah, zanier. Like, like, like. animaniacs right like yeah
00:34:56
Speaker
fuck right oh my god um um so but yeah so 2019 that was they found you the sober living yep and you were there for you you could have been there for however long well my parents paid for a month well yeah yeah and then you were only there for that's one night yep The next morning, did I tell this story already?
00:35:20
Speaker
um You, I think, mentioned you were only there for one night. Yeah. But you didn't tell any story last time. so And I can't remember if you told me it before, but please go ahead and refresh your memory. brief It's funny in hindsight. that Funny is relative. Yeah. my parents, like, dropped me off. And actually, that's the first and only time I remember having a panic attack.
00:35:39
Speaker
which is weird. When they dropped you off? Yeah. It just like
Failed Sober Living Attempts
00:35:42
Speaker
wasn't what I expected and like not really what I felt like I had signed up for. like When we did intervention they were like, you know if you go and do this 30 days here, like we'll help you. We'll get you it we'll set you get you set up with like an apartment back in New York when you'll be back here after, blah, blah, blah.
00:35:54
Speaker
I like, that's not a bad deal. All right, I'm homeless. Let's do it. When I got there, and like it's very i mean it's like five beds to a room. like you know sort of like and like I don't know. just it was just not what i expected and seeing what, like, and and now, like, at least at rehab, it was, like, I knew it was for a month.
00:36:15
Speaker
This was, like, indefinitely. Right. You know, and I was like, and was like, a fucking miserable rainy pouring, like, pouring rain, pouring rain like yeah and i was just like i freaked out.
00:36:25
Speaker
I, like, like, I remember eating lunch in the nearby Yonker diner, and I, like, stood up and, like, ran down the street, and I don't know, it was crazy. But, uh, anyway, uh, yeah, so they dropped me off.
00:36:38
Speaker
Finally, I, like, came to peace with it or whatever whatever. I went to a meeting with some of the guys there. I came back, went to sleep, woke up, uh, and like, you know, made a list of things I needed for like my little like cubicle of like space in the room.
00:36:52
Speaker
Um, you know, and I had ah every intention of like getting on the Metro North and heading down to like, you know, Oh, I was going to go and check out my storage unit and go to target and like get, you know, a waste paper basket and, you know, should, should I need it or whatever towels?
00:37:08
Speaker
Um, but it wasn't until I was like sitting on the train, like heading back, heading, you know, South towards New York city that was like, Oh shit. Like what is hypothetically stopping me from doing what I shouldn't be doing.
00:37:24
Speaker
Right. And I remember getting like, so like, it was like, I got like a, like a crazy wave of excitement. Like, I don't know. I just remember, being I was like like shaking. was so excited, you know, when i had that realization and you know,
00:37:37
Speaker
I probably could have, I honestly probably could have gone, you know, visited, you know, a quote unquote friend, you know, gotten high and gotten, and came back, but you know, before curfew, but even, any i mean, and that would have been breaking the rules, but like, so i didn't even like realize I was fucked until the curfew had passed, you know? And so this is like 11 a.m.
00:37:59
Speaker
at like, at latest, you know, probably like nine or 10 a.m. And I was out until like, 10 p.m., you know? like And then that's when I was making calls, like, I'm really sorry. like You know, and like my I think my curfew was like 8 or something.
00:38:12
Speaker
like i should have been at like Grand Central by like 5 or 6. Anyway, so yeah, it was poorly handled. It is what it is. Yeah.
00:38:23
Speaker
I mean, yeah. You were human. Still am. Yeah. We're and are. What? We're and are. What's that? Oh, oh. were and you are. like what a were-and-ar. What is that?
00:38:39
Speaker
Spelled like a werewolf? Um. Yeah. Yeah. It just, I mean, like, it, another thing that I always say that healing is not linear.
00:38:54
Speaker
Yes. And also, like, again, like, it wasn't until even, like, much later, actually, but, like, the fact I should have known, and they should have known, um um honestly, that, like, I wasn't there. be Not being there for myself was never going to, like, you know, bear fruit.
00:39:09
Speaker
Like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. It was never going to stick. Yeah. Yeah. And you did,
Role of Therapy in Addiction Recovery
00:39:14
Speaker
you repeatedly told me that. And I believed you every time. Like, you always said, like, if I'm going to get sober, I got to do it for myself. It is true. And also what I've been saying all along is I need, like, a therapist.
00:39:23
Speaker
Yeah. Which I still believe. Yeah. um Although, you know it's interesting. i'm I was talking to my mom about that. And, like, she was saying that. Mark, this is I guess he's a therapist. Yeah, he's technically therapist.
00:39:35
Speaker
But i don't know why. Anyway. He was saying that like the reason like he wouldn't like get into like my past and my trauma and all this stuff that I felt like I needed to get into to like kind of like overcome the addiction is that like if you're in active addiction, you ah can't or something.
00:39:52
Speaker
ah I would, ah I mean, it would make sense to me to say that it's maybe less effective. I mean, probably, you know, you're, you're not in a place of like clearly focusing on or thinking about any of it.
00:40:05
Speaker
Yeah. Um, and it may be in certain cases for some people, um you know, the using is true to escape it still. Oh, it's true. Yeah. And like to to talk through it all is to literally not escape it and to just, you know, face it down. True.
00:40:24
Speaker
So that does make sense. Yeah. But I, you know, even still, I think that it would have benefited you to at least do some. Well, I think it's sort of a circle. I mean, a, a chicken and an egg situation. Yeah. Cause like, like I was saying since, you know, since that then, like, i remember my parents also set me up with this like sobriety coach back then 2012, 2019 or whatever.
00:40:46
Speaker
and like he just didn't he was just like leapfrogged me from like meeting to meeting to meeting and i just remember being like yo like these don't even really work like i don't i mean i get i hear their stories and like they are they can be inspiring but like that's like it's not yeah i needed i'm not i don't care about talking about you right right yeah and i remember telling this guy might be like i need a i think what i need is a therapist and he'd be like and remember him saying like you don't need a therapist you got me was just like why did my parents pay you up front geez um but um yeah so it is frustrating because have felt like i've been saying that having this help or you know insight yeah resource whatever would help me and i've been saying it for years and like either i haven't been able to found one or haven't had insurance or then i find one and like you know i you know it's not what i expect right you know so and yeah i think you're right like but maybe like don't know you also have to like
00:41:43
Speaker
you know, trust your gut and everything. And like, yeah just like the kid I was talking about yesterday who knew he needed that shot, you know, was I talking to you about that? Actually, i'm not sure. Oh, like this kid, like he he was there and like, um, the inpatient program i was at has like a, um, a policy where they won't like up or down anyone's meds.
00:42:02
Speaker
Like they will like, or at least not, um, medically assisted treatment like methadone or suboxone and shit like they will like do what you're prescribed but like that they don't have the power to raise or lower it got it but he really wanted to get this shot i forget what it's called divitrol maybe or something but it basically is like a time extended release of suboxone so you have to get it like once or twice or something and like it will help you and you'll be like good instead of like taking it and but and like but like his suboxone was like so high that like he needed to still lower it and know taper it and lower and whatever and they wouldn't let him it was like all this like bureaucracy he had to go through and whatever and basically but it was like a first you know it's the same thing like he knows he had like he said he had like a uh
00:42:47
Speaker
like his higher power told him that's what he needed. Like an intuitive. Yeah. Like he kind of like just had us come to Jesus moment where he's like, this is what I need to get sober. And like, here it is like a rehab kind of like, you know, stonewalling it. Right. Yeah. And this, I felt like, the beer yeah, bureaucracy, the red tape. Yeah. Yeah. Right.
00:43:03
Speaker
Yeah. And like, I kind of feel like that to an extent, that's what I like the problem I've been having. It's like, I, think that therapy will help me get to the bottom, you know, it will help me heal. Yeah. It'll get to the root of some of the stuff that you've been escaping.
00:43:17
Speaker
yeah, and, like, but, but, so whether, and, you know, and whether it would have been effective, it would have been less or more effective, for whatever, like, I still think it would have, yeah, like, yeah, I don't know.
00:43:29
Speaker
Well, you know, like, now, people will agree with some point. Yeah,
Planning for Continued Recovery
00:43:33
Speaker
right, and, like, now, though, like, I think you're in a better position than ever before to start to try. Yes.
00:43:41
Speaker
Um, therapeutic approaches to your trauma. So, that, Finding a trauma therapist is on my to-do list and a PCP, which I think is a hilarious...
00:43:56
Speaker
Oh my Anagram? Is that what it is? Anaphronism? That's not it at all. in Neither of those. What the fuck is it? Not analogy either. Initials.
00:44:09
Speaker
I don't know. I never remember this word. Yeah, what is it? Amalgam. Nope.
00:44:19
Speaker
and acronym acronym acronym fuck pcp is a hilarious acronym it is but that's what i need too oh my god wow um yeah anagram i don't know but i know what a banana gram is a board game and important thing No, it's like a bag game with little fucking letters and shit. yeah I don't know.
00:44:46
Speaker
It's like um Scrabble without the Scrabble. we Whatever. We'll look it up. We'll look it up later. There's probably a person out there named Anna Graham. Probably. probably gets made up. She probably gets Bananagrams for Christmas every year. And drugs.
00:45:07
Speaker
Oh my god. Okay, yes. Wow. Um, have you ever heard about or would consider maybe EMDR? app Eye movement doctor. Eye movement DR. I gotta look it up. Someone, you know what's crazy? I heard about it for the first time today in group.
00:45:26
Speaker
you You've never heard of it until today? I mean, maybe it just stuck with me today, but, or, you know, maybe i haven't heard of it before. I don't know. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Yes.
00:45:37
Speaker
Right. And it's like, it's literally like, it's really helpful for people who go through like intense, like the big T trauma. Yeah. Complex trauma. Yeah. Like, um, I've known friends who've been assaulted who have used EMDR to help them process the trauma from those.
00:45:55
Speaker
So like yeah the eye movement, like it makes it like, it makes certain memories or something. It allows you to revisit, certain memories without throwing your body into the, like, you know, the PTSD, like, uh, how do you think of the flashback? Does someone like prompt the memory?
00:46:12
Speaker
i don't really understand that part of it. I think it's worth looking into though. Yeah. I think, cause like there's, you know, and I think it may even be, and could be wrong. So nobody, nobody fucking quote me on this, but it may even be helpful for like retrieving memories that might be repressed.
00:46:30
Speaker
Oh, Remember how in Superman, how Lex is like, B3! And he's making like the other like the other guy like oh yeah how to fight. I feel like it's like that. It's like a sheet code.
00:46:44
Speaker
sheet code of like, yeah. yeah Yeah. But it is, like, a lot of it's oh i mean a lot of people have sworn by emdr as being, like, life-saving for their, or life-changing for their trauma. But also...
00:47:02
Speaker
I mean, it's worth noting, you know, to, to do talk therapy is likely, i mean, it not just like is likely it's going to be triggering.
00:47:13
Speaker
And, you
Understanding Emotions and Physical Manifestations
00:47:14
Speaker
know, so it's, it's maybe worth bracing yourself for that inevitability of like the feeling of like, fuck, I don't want to deal with this. i want to feel these things.
00:47:25
Speaker
Yeah, I know. But like, I also feel like I don't really know how to So I feel like if I'm feeling them, i'll be like, this sucks. But like, at least it's working. You're going to like ride it out? Yeah. You know? don't even really know how to.
00:47:37
Speaker
I just know like, yeah you know. Like the the thing about like feeling your feelings, everyone's just like, what the fuck does that even mean? And it's like literally like feel it. Like where is it in your body?
00:47:47
Speaker
You know? Like when you're experiencing anger, like are you experiencing this like twisting in your gut or are you feeling like your heart pounding really fast? Like, you know, like things like that. It's like where do you physically feel it?
00:48:00
Speaker
in your body because it's different for everybody and it's different for different emotions um and then like you know it's it's the allowing of it to like be there and to just breathe yourself through it um because really you know it's it's over in a matter of minutes really why does if i mean it's weird that it passes so fast if it like it makes such a lasting effect it doesn't though it's it's when you were repress them it's when you yeah but people do like i mean like people like well yeah there's like and because of like things yeah like i told you i used to because i used to panic because i always felt everything too intensely like i used to panic about like just anytime i was feeling sad um which was a lot fucking emo kid um it just felt so intense like my fucking world was ending um
00:48:56
Speaker
You know, like i I was dramatic as hell. And not even in like, ah oh, my God, I want a attention way. But in like, ah oh, my God, I literally am suffering so bad right now from how, you know, my emotions are affecting me.
00:49:13
Speaker
And it would send me into a panic spiral. And it was just like the intensity of it was was hard to handle. And I think that's what people are not used to or not expecting or they don't understand.
00:49:25
Speaker
and there are other people who like over intellectualize and they like attach themselves so deeply to like situation that's causing them to feel the things that they're feeling. And it drags the whole thing out, you know? Does that make sense? Yeah.
00:49:42
Speaker
So like it's, it's circumstantial. It depends on the person. It depends on who they are and what they're, you know, dealing with. I feel like when I like receive bad news or something bad happens and I'm like there to witness it or it just happens to me or whatever.
00:49:55
Speaker
Mm-hmm. unless it's like an ongoing, like, like a situation that won't stop right being shitty. Right. But if something happens and I'm, you know, it's almost like, well, like on the off chance, I don't wake up and this isn't a nightmare. Like, I just have to like, accept that. Like, you know, it's like, and so I don't even know if that's just like an intellectual intellectualization or if I just have like kind of detached emotions or something, or if I'm just like able to be like,
00:50:22
Speaker
that's what life is now move on, you know? Right. I mean,
Impact of Past Relationships on Emotional States
00:50:25
Speaker
like, there are certain things that I'm sure that's like easier to do than in other situations, you know? Yeah. Yeah. You know, like, I mean, like consider the facts and like, we can get into it. We can get out, we can get out of it or we can cut this whole piece out. But like, consider the fact that you like are completely, against the idea of a relationship and it's probably because of all that you went through.
00:50:50
Speaker
and like not wanting to be exposed to those emotions and the trauma that came with everything. Like, consider of fact that like, that's actually how you're handling it rather than like, you know, handling the like, oh, roll with the punches, like curveballs that life throws at you.
00:51:07
Speaker
Like that kind of thing. Does that, am I making sense? I hope I am. So you're saying that like, by taking a step away from like committed relationships or whatever, as I have been, like, that's my way of dealing with it and that of like so is like to instead of, like, an unhealthy avoidance or whatever?
00:51:26
Speaker
No, like it like ah like, it could be, or it is an unhealthy avoidance. Because, like, you know, to um expose yourself to the onslaught of emotions, whether they're good or bad, like, you know, brings up too much trauma for you. Mm-hmm.
00:51:43
Speaker
Which, you know, again, is maybe something that EMDR would help with or so or just talk therapy, like whatever. But like you have chosen to sidestep them entirely and just not even deal with them rather than, you know, attempt and ride out the emotions, work through them and potentially see, you know, you can come out the other side and not be traumatized.
00:52:13
Speaker
Does that sense? Yeah. Okay. I think with that example, though... I don't have to be right about this. and No, no. You might be. You might be. You probably are. But I think that's tough, too, because, like, those are there's, like, four or five, like... There's so many layers, yeah....situations, like, yeah, on top of each one another. yeah All, like, sort of a similar, but but very different, you know? Yeah.
00:52:34
Speaker
That, like, I'm... Like, it's almost like I'd have to, like, somehow do each... toxic or tragic relationship, you know, yeah like separately. Like to work through them. yeah So as not to clump them all together, which is I'm sure what I'm doing.
00:52:48
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, that's the other thing too, is when you have that much that you have dealt with, like it feels probably a lot bigger than it actually is.
00:52:59
Speaker
Yeah. And so maybe to like deal with the trauma of each one, one at a time might actually be like the bite-sized pieces that you would need to, to take to work through those.
00:53:11
Speaker
But like, yeah, like, you know, even I'm not gonna say if, because, you know, you seem pretty dead set on trying to get therapy done.
00:53:22
Speaker
When you have worked through those things and worked through those memories and those traumas of what they put you through, like, it's still probably going to feel triggering to start to feel something for someone or to like enter into a relationship.
00:53:40
Speaker
because of what
Processing Grief and Emotional Expression
00:53:41
Speaker
you've been through and it's the first time that you're like, you know, stepping back into it since then. so like it's, it's going to come up and it may then feel like you, Oh God, I never even healed from any of it. Yeah. But that's not the case.
00:53:56
Speaker
Yeah. And it's just the intensity of the emotions that can be, wrote out. Well, they do warn like, that's why like you probably shouldn't like get, you know romantically involved with someone in like a first like a year or two of your like recovery right yeah it's like you know there's a lot of volatility with that right yeah um it makes sense yeah and i'm like okay yeah that part i got yeah don't even need to try yeah i get you i get you yeah but yeah like i'm not again just hypothesizing but
00:54:38
Speaker
It's like, you know, I mean, I was thinking more like, you know, not that I've, I guess I have actually, you know, a year ago, got like hurt, you know, learned that like a friend of mine, you know, had passed in. Like, it was sort of the thing, like, um I'm sure I didn't process it healthily, if at all.
00:54:57
Speaker
But like, it just kind of like, oh, and like, you're just kind I don't know, my mentality just kind of like, that's what like moving forward. Like, that's what life is. It's like life is now without error.
00:55:09
Speaker
but you know i don't know I'm sure if I actually went there and was surrounded from here to New York or whatever and surrounded myself with his friends and had a service or whatever, you know and don't even think there was, honestly.
00:55:20
Speaker
But like then maybe some emotions would have arisen, maybe. i don't know but like I don't know, honestly. But yeah, things like that. I'm just kind of like, shit, well.
00:55:32
Speaker
Yeah. That's what life is now. Like, you know, it's no longer the way it was. Yeah. Yeah. And like, it's pointless to not accept that. Yeah. Which I guess is an intellectual intellectualization of it.
00:55:43
Speaker
It is, but it's also, and I'm not saying that's a good way, a good thing. It's very, it's very Capricorn of you. It's very Aquarius moon of you.
00:55:54
Speaker
Two for two. Yeah. too um But like, it's just, you know, it's, You do like that.
00:56:06
Speaker
I think that that like acceptance sort of approach that you seem to take is not necessarily like bad, but it's, you know, also like if you do have emotions, like you, you know, you're probably too unfamiliar with them now.
00:56:27
Speaker
to, like, recognize when they are trying to make themselves known. or yeah, what's funny is, like, when, like, something's so stupid, like, I'm, like, I, like, tear up at, like, a fucking, like, you know, well-written, like, I'm, like, why, are you like, that should not be, I'm just, I'm, like, that's clearly, like misplaced, you know, that's what misdirected, like, so. It's, like, it's trying to come out somehow. Yeah, I'm, like, yeah. Yeah.
00:56:54
Speaker
I literally, um, I was listening to the witch butch amateur hour today and Macy with the broken eye, ah talking about how like she, like, sometimes she has to read like a sad book to make sure that she gets emotions out, like gets her like crying out.
00:57:16
Speaker
Um, because it's like actually healthy to do that. Yeah. Like they, I mean, they do say like, you know, fucking cortisol will come out with your tears. Yeah. um Yeah. Which is fucking bananas. I'm not sure actually if it's cortisol. I don't even know if this is like, I mean, I heard like a weird, like, you know, you know, like kind of annoying, but sometimes like interesting, like online, like, like TikToks or whatever. And they're like,
00:57:40
Speaker
you are not, like sort of inspirational. And it's like this weird, like British person. They're like, your brain does not do this. It is reaching out for your child you. like, anyway, I saw one night, one of them that did that. theyre talking about tears and it was like, summing them all up. And it was like, it is alchemy.
00:57:57
Speaker
It is like, it is the way like you commune with the blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, I actually, you know, obviously it made a huge impression on me, but I remember being like, that's kind it's like an interesting concept I hadn't thought of before. It was like, you know,
00:58:10
Speaker
Yeah, like emotion really does have to get out of you. ah Like out of the body physically. Yeah. And tears are way that it can do that. Vocalization is a way that you can do that.
00:58:21
Speaker
Like physical movement is a way that you can do that. do You know, it depends on who you are, what your predispositions are, what like what it is that you feel that like, you know, like, because sometimes you just feel like you got to cry and then you just start to cry. And like, I mean, that's just me. I say you as in the general you, not you, Jim.
00:58:39
Speaker
no I know. You don't really do that. No, but I've definitely, like broken stuff. Like, on purpose. Like, things I knew I was gonna miss. Like, the things I, been like, felt so good in the moment. And i was like, god damn. My toolbox no longer has a handle. i like That is so inconvenient. Me too, though. Because, like, I have, I mean, I've got the fucking Aries Rising.
00:59:00
Speaker
That's just, like, fucking explosive. And, like, when I have been angry and upset before, I throw shit and break shit. And like, I have, sometimes like there was one time I remember just like, um, intentionally like preparing myself because I was fucking angry because I was failed. Like I, I, um, I failed a class in college and was so mad about it.
00:59:25
Speaker
And I got like all these like glass, like a pack of like soda and glass bottles and like drinks. poured most of it out. Cause I just wanted to fucking throw.
00:59:36
Speaker
glass bottles at the wall a parking garage and like, it was just fucking mad and like the number of times that i've like screamed bloody murder in my car because i'm so fucking angry and like just you have to let the energy out and i or another i do notice like it's crazy this is a super like i never thought this would actually work but like you know i'm pissed off and i'm like writing an angry text to someone and i'm like um i should probably like you know give him a sec and then i'm just like um you know five minutes past and i'm like
01:00:09
Speaker
that's the same text I said. I gotta delete that entire thing. Oh my God. It's true. Like, you know, it's like the whole, like write a letter. You're never going to meet. You never intend on sending. Like you got the words out though. Yeah. Right. Exactly. And it's like, you know, as much as like they should have heard the words or like deserve to, it's like, Oh, the number of times I hit send anyway. mean, I've definitely done that too. And then, and then they're always kind like, Oh, I, I, what do you mean? I'm like,
01:00:33
Speaker
What do you think I mean? Well, I'm just like, that's a way, they're like like, I definitely may have overwritten, like, because they're like super diplomatic. They're like, oh, I'm like, what?
01:00:43
Speaker
Sorry, what? And I'm just like, oh, yeah. Okay, I may have like overreacted. You remember that fucking Virgo meme that I showed you on my Virgo season?
01:00:57
Speaker
out of 20 season posts that I posted the one where the it's the the I guess it's a dog but it's like reading the book it's like how to argue without ruining someone's life with your words like I'm just like that's the bane of my existence because I tear people to shreds A lot. I think that might be a reason why
Cultural References and Humor
01:01:19
Speaker
my sister hates me.
01:01:20
Speaker
Because, like, I used to so... Like, she would just be, like, mad and sputtering and, like, like wanting to hit me. and I'd just be like... yeah but up but dapa da Right? Right? Last point, last word. And she would just be like... Yeah.
01:01:35
Speaker
Yeah. I don't think she actually hates you.
01:01:45
Speaker
She's mad, but she doesn't hate you. It's okay. It's okay. I make lamb. She will not. What?
01:01:56
Speaker
My Big Pack Greek wedding? Oh, yeah. It's okay. I make lamb. I do actually know that. I do understand that reference. Thank you. Oh, my God. No one. Christina never gets my fucking Big Pack Greek wedding reference. I quoted all the goddamn time.
01:02:10
Speaker
oh my God. Yeah. Sorry. No, that's okay. That's one of my, actually, I just remembered, that's like one of the last times I remember going to the movies like with my like family and grandma, and my grandma was coherent enough to laugh at the jokes, but the joke she was laughing at was like the incoherent grandma like running out into the sprinklers and shit.
01:02:31
Speaker
So maybe she was just relating to her. I
01:02:36
Speaker
so i don't know, at the time we were like, yeah, Graham's still with it. Mama, oh my God.
01:02:42
Speaker
Oh, I love that movie so much. I watched the sequel, it wasn't nearly as good. watched the prequel, it didn't exist. They just rehashed all the same jokes.
01:02:54
Speaker
Yeah. was kind of sad. Cash grab. Unfortunately. Was it My Big Fat Greek Divorce? Because that would have been a good sequel. No, it was My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Yeah, what? And it was the parents, like, renewing their vows or whatever.
01:03:08
Speaker
wasn't it the kids? Well, the daughter was only like 16 or whatever. What daughter? The daughter of the couple that got married in the first movie. Oh, okay. Well, i'll just make her older and make a movie out it. Well, they didn't.
01:03:20
Speaker
Well, it would have been a better movie. Too late. All right. Oh, you should have been there to tell them. Or just, yeah. Or just don't make a sequel to a movie that didn't need one. Yeah, or do you do like a fucking threat trilogy?
01:03:35
Speaker
oh Yeah. Anyway. So yeah. So yeah, that's where you are. That's where Okay. Because the cat's the only cat who knows where it's at.
01:03:49
Speaker
Yeah. Aristocan. Oh, I never saw that. Bye!
01:03:57
Speaker
Okay. No. No, I don't want to go! I don't want to go!
Closing Thoughts and Farewell
01:04:03
Speaker
There's so much fun recording with you. Ugh. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
01:04:09
Speaker
we do need to We do need to record and episode where we talk about whatever we want.
01:04:17
Speaker
That we had that option? Well, mean, like, I wanted to talk about this. Okay. But like... cause That would have been bit better. This is good. Okay. um But yeah, I would like to do that.
01:04:30
Speaker
Whatever. All right. Well, just crank your volumes. Yeah. And like, don't cry about it. I'll fix it in post. Yeah. Yeah. So. All right. Good shit. That's all I got.
01:04:44
Speaker
That's all she wrote. And, uh, but Jim will be back. Jim will return. Jim will return as he fidgets. It's picking up all of that noise.
01:04:55
Speaker
If that's the loudest thing, it's picking up, then you probably have a problem with your, like, sound recording. That's what it's like. Um, yeah. He'll be back.
01:05:05
Speaker
Okay. Sometime. And, uh, We'll be here. In the meantime. How will we be here? if I'll be back. Me and Christina. Oh, yeah. Okay, bye.
01:05:18
Speaker
okay but Yeah, you know, do the same things. Yeah. And bye. Yeah, and write to the Gmail. Oh, yeah. What? Okay. Write to our Gmail. Yeah. Yeah. You don't know this routine. I won't write it to anyone's Gmail. Yeah, he doesn't need to, but you need to. I'm going to this in the freezer.
01:05:34
Speaker
Oh, my God. Why? No. Why not? and so I use it for heat. Oh. It's literally a nice pack. It's literally heat or cold pack.
01:05:47
Speaker
Cold therapy, hot therapy. Okay. Well, two kinds of people in the world. Yeah. um Yeah, there's a Gmail. And you, the listener, should write to it.
01:05:59
Speaker
Say hello. Send your greetings. Ask us questions. And tell us stories. We want to hear them. soulfatherpodcast.gmail.com.
01:06:11
Speaker
There's the Instagram at soulfatherpodcast. And there's a Patreon where you can support the show and actually like help us you know get out of corporate America. And debt.
01:06:22
Speaker
And debt. yeah And that is patreon.com slash soulfatherpodcast. And we will see you again next week. Have a beautiful day, night.
01:06:35
Speaker
I won't see you. Jim won't see you. But you'll see him. Just kidding. you do <unk>t know If you do, know. Don't. If you do, don't.
01:06:47
Speaker
But he'll be back again sometime. And in the meantime, he's going to pour water on his head or something. I poured it all on the candle.
01:06:59
Speaker
Alright, y'all. Have a good one. See you next week.