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Episode 15: From Heartbreak to Heart-Forward Living
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In this February Wrap-Up episode of Don’t Trip on Your Cape, Alex Embry and Leslie Arboleda reflect on the conversations that shaped this month’s theme: Heartbreak & Heart-Forward Living.
Through thoughtful listener questions, they explore the deeper layers beneath heartbreak, from authenticity and codependency to grief, surrender, self-trust, and staying open to love after loss.
Together, they unpack the difference between kindness and niceness, how to untangle relational patterns, what surrender really means when life collapses, and how heartbreak can become one of life’s greatest integration points rather than something to simply “move past.”
Blending personal stories, nervous system awareness, and grounded spiritual insight, this episode offers a compassionate space to reflect on your own healing journey.
Because heartbreak isn’t the end of the story. It is often the beginning of living more authentically, more consciously, and more heart-forward than ever before.
Links:
Don’t Trip on Your Cape
https://www.donttriponyourcape.com
Can We Grok?
https://www.donttriponyourcape.com/can-we-grok
Aligned Living & Leadership
https://alignedlivingandleadership.com
Mush Love
https://mushlovellc.com
A Human Being With Love
https://ahumanbeingwithlove.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Listener Questions
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Don't Trip On Your Cape, the podcast where Leslie, the founder Align Living and Leadership, and her amazing co-host Alex from Much Love dive into the very things that weigh us down, only to reveal those burdens are actually our greatest strengths.
00:00:12
Speaker
Together, they help listeners recognize that what feels heavy is often just your own unique superpower in disguise. So grab your cape, and let's explore how to wear without stumbling. Hello, everybody, and welcome to February's Wrap Up Month. I'm Alex. And I'm Leslie.
00:00:28
Speaker
We've got some great questions from listeners this week. So let's just jump right in.
The Nature of Kindness and Authenticity
00:00:33
Speaker
Megan from Austin writes, how after hearing Elena talk about being called too much as a child, how do you know the difference between shrinking yourself for others and simply being considerate?
00:00:46
Speaker
I know you love to be considerate for people sometimes. Maybe that's when you want to start with. Yeah, it's a it's a balance.
00:00:57
Speaker
It's something I've had to learn through personal alignment. And one of the things several people throughout my life have tried to teach me and it and really impose on me and I'm trying to you know integrate still working on is the difference between being nice and kind, which a lot of times people are like, you know we want to be nice to people, but nice isn't necessarily the same thing as being kind.
00:01:22
Speaker
especially to yourself, because niceness is always the same thing. But kindness, sometimes, you know, if you're kind to yourself, that means setting a boundary, or it might be saying no, because you don't have the energy for it or whatever. So I feel like a lot of this is the difference between, you know, knowing for sure some of what we talked about with human human design, you know, taking that pause, depending on however long you need it to based on your type and things like that. But for me, it's really,
00:01:53
Speaker
authenticity, staying, staying true to who I am and being kind is more important than being nice. Of course, he's tact and all of that, but you have to be authentic. And that's really, I think the difference between kindness and being nice.
Balancing Self with Others
00:02:08
Speaker
I think for me, that consideration piece, has certainly been a learning opportunity for me because oftentimes considering other people a, their needs as a higher priority to yours can feel like you're shrinking yourself. And i think you spoke to it really pointedly in the balance piece and really understanding where is Where is the middle point where your needs and the other person's needs can be met to the best of your abilities, but without making yourself smaller or without feeling like you have shown up as too much. um
00:02:51
Speaker
you know I've certainly been labeled as too much or too assertive or too direct. And you know I think that tact piece also has been a real learning opportunity for me.
00:03:03
Speaker
But knowing that being flexible doesn't necessarily mean that you have to shrink yourself and really understanding that true expression of who you are is the difference between shrinking and modifying your expression so that you can be heard and be seen. i think, ah ah you know, Elena talked about that part a lot as far as how does she be seen? How did how could she be seen authentically?
00:03:34
Speaker
based on how the other people's lenses of, you know, observation. And and it's it's an active process. it's an It's an active practice. And really knowing yourself, I think, is the key for that.
00:03:47
Speaker
Absolutely.
Mutual Benefit in Relationships
00:03:48
Speaker
And we talked to different times about the difference between yourself and inside pain and outside pain and inside love and outside love, but more importantly, all true benefit is mutual.
00:03:59
Speaker
So when you are shrinking yourself, that can't benefit another person, that can't be courteous to them either. You're both not showing up as the best versions of yourself. And we've also talked about how compromise is not really a good thing necessarily. You have to find a way that you it's a both win, but then always going back to, if it's not a win for me, it can't be a win for them.
00:04:22
Speaker
That true benefit is mutual thing gives me the peace when I know i am being considerate, even if I have to say no or put a boundary up or whatever, because we do, especially some of us, we're givers. I always want to give. I have a lot to give. i I have a lot of love and I love because I can, not because of anything else. And so sometimes the boundary of the flow of the love is for you as well. So that's also considerate is knowing it's only Truly beneficial if you have it to get from the full place.
00:04:51
Speaker
Yeah, hope that helps Megan get some clarity. Next up is Chris from Nashville, Tennessee. He said, both guests talked about authenticity being more powerful than love.
00:05:03
Speaker
What does that actually look like in everyday decisions? I think we talked about that a little bit, but it but it really talks, it speaks to me at least about taking that time and being mindful in your execution. you know are you Are you rested?
00:05:21
Speaker
Are you hungry? Are you you know overextended and feeling a little overwhelmed and knowing yourself in every moment and every day?
00:05:33
Speaker
you know i can I can think of many examples in my own life where what worked yesterday isn't going to work today based on the resources I have. And that's still an authentic expression of myself. You know, when am yelling at my kids because I'm frustrated, i can use that as a cue for my own experience.
00:05:54
Speaker
awareness. Oh, well, I'm doing this thing. i don't really like how this resulted, but I don't really have control over anyone else's actions. And I always have control over mine. So I think that's also an expression of, of love is, is taking the time to be aware.
Understanding Love and Heartbreak
00:06:14
Speaker
Yeah. Well, love is, hard word for so many it i mean in other languages they'll have like five words for love you know stuff like that it's partially why i prefer the word grok when i when i tell people i love them it's really i grok you because um it's not always about showing up it's like happy and go lucky and all of that kind of stuff like just this morning i i was up early and a bunch of my friends were like what are you doing up this early because they crock that i'm not up before nine or ten in the morning and so they don't expect me to be there and so part of it too is that authenticity is more grok is the best word for me for love because it's understanding that loving yourself isn't expecting perfection it isn't expecting
00:07:06
Speaker
always doing anything. That's really what authenticity is. is And love is not perfection. It's not always giving. It's sometimes receiving. It's sometimes knowing when you're off, like you said, when you don't have the recess, the recess for a day, or you're not a person like that's up for before 10. Like authenticity is love through Grok and Grok makes it a verb of what do I need today? Who am I today? what do what ah what How do I really move through the world? And that's, a for me, the the true difference between what real love is, because it's not surface and it's not artificial. It's giving myself the grok of what I actually need or feel on a day to day basis. And then having people that you can show up as that.
00:07:53
Speaker
remember when we first came, we're starting to became friends. It was one of my friends had passed away and I called her my everyday friend because I could show up with her every day, no matter what it was like, good, bad or ugly. And you were like, I'll be your everyday friend.
00:08:05
Speaker
That was so interesting for me. And that's a longer story, but that's what we really want is to be able to show up every day authentically. And that's for me what love really is. I think it's also, used you know, when you talk about Grok, I think also integrating that awareness of others that you're in relationship with, right? I can be the most grounded, fully resourced version of myself.
00:08:29
Speaker
And if my 10 year old's tired or hungry or, you know, stressed out or overwhelmed, being able to give him the grace of, oh, well that's why he's the one yelling right now. And and I think that's also really powerful way of being authentic in your relationships.
00:08:48
Speaker
And I think, you know, also, Before heartbreak changes us, there's always a version of us trying to be seen and pulling that version of us forward for me is how i I feel like I can show up in that full expression of love every day.
00:09:07
Speaker
And it may look different and it may be imperfect and it's still true and it's still authentic. Absolutely. So Marisol from Albuquerque wrote in and asked, what does heartbreak teach us that comfort never could?
00:09:26
Speaker
So much.
00:09:30
Speaker
We've talked before about like birthright your one of your birthrights is ease, and you know ease is not the same as comfort either. And so a lot of what I think about when I think about heartbreak is sometimes heartbreak is the easiest way to learn a lesson or the easiest way to find a version of yourself you had let go of or any of the other things, it tends to be a lesson you don't forget in so many ways versus when you learn something in comfort.
00:10:03
Speaker
And also too, I know we've all had the the experience of someone telling us something and then being like, sure, whatever, and doing the thing anyway, because that's integration. Integration is I'm going to do it and I'm going to find out the results and they're going to be in my soul. And so I feel like heartbreak, it,
00:10:21
Speaker
It forces you to integrate at some point. If you're going to move on, you're going to have to integrate that experience and really pull from it. And so I feel like that for me is one of the biggest gifts it gives to you is like a depth of the understanding so that you can integrate whatever's going on.
00:10:40
Speaker
i think what came up for me when I read this question was growth doesn't happen inside our comfort zone. And heartbreak typically is not happening inside our comfort zone. So for me, that gift of the heartbreak is the growth.
00:10:55
Speaker
It is the expansion. And to your point, when we do learn those lessons outside our comfort zone, they make a bigger impact. you know we're If we're comfortable, we might miss the opportunity because we're not being pushed, right? We're not on those growing edges of who we're stepping into.
00:11:17
Speaker
that That is for me one of the greatest gifts that comes from these experiences of heartbreak. Absolutely. That's really good question, Marisol.
Self-Discovery and Codependency
00:11:28
Speaker
um Danielle from Boston, Massachusetts says, if you've been codependent most of your adult life, where do you be even begin to untangle that? This is a really good question.
00:11:41
Speaker
I think it comes back to that personal inquiry. i think so many of us have... Shown up in that codependent role, you know, I just, I think that's a a very universal part of being in relationships for most of us, especially because of, you know, what lessons we learn in those formative years.
00:12:02
Speaker
And, you know, especially generationally, i think there was a lot of compliance that was asked of little people and not really giving them that opportunity to
00:12:18
Speaker
be themselves, whatever that was, if it wasn't in alignment with what their parents thought or what society thought. And it's it it is an active process of untangling. i I loved that word. I use that analogy a lot. We get these things all tangled up together. And I'm i'm a knitter, so and I'm a 3-5 manifesting generator. So a lot of times I'll come up with, I'll have a skein of yarn, and the next thing I know, it's a series of knots.
00:12:47
Speaker
But I also am a master knot on tire. And it comes from practice and patience and breathing and giving yourself grace.
00:12:59
Speaker
You know, when you're untangling a knot of yarn, you can make yourself wrong because you knotted it up. I think the same is true in relationships when we've when we realize that we've been living in these codependent ways, the first step is to give ourselves grace for having done it, to give ourselves that love that we need to start to untangle those things.
00:13:24
Speaker
And then hopefully be in a supportive community where we can take new aligned action that is supportive. Because to your point earlier,
00:13:35
Speaker
All true benefit is mutual. And when we are living codependently, we are not serving our highest good. And that can really, that can be a pervasive way of showing up in the world. I know of plenty of people who have lived and died, never having untangled those ways of being.
00:13:57
Speaker
But my hope for for me personally, professionally, certainly with this podcast is is that we can be part of that supportive community that can help people start to untangle those ways of being so that they can have a little more of that ease.
00:14:14
Speaker
Absolutely. and When was thinking ah of you talking, i was thinking about codependence is really based on that inside-outside love thing. You give more weight to the outside love than the inside love.
00:14:32
Speaker
So the untangling... that you talk about and you are a master and untangler. of We've made Wallace together and who I'm so great glad you were there. But the untangling, you have to start from where you're at, obviously you're on it up. And so it's the measurement, the tool that you can use in this case is inside love.
00:14:55
Speaker
and knowing the difference of what that starts to feel like. And it's not going to be overnight. It's never overnight when you figure out what of these big gaps you have. And so it has to be like we talked with, you know, in the last wrap up episode, one stitch at a time, building the quilt of your life, especially since we're talking about yarn and untangling and all of that.
00:15:13
Speaker
It really is saying, does this feel good to me? If that person was not involved, is this something I would want to do? Am I only doing it because of them? And really, and I know this because like,
00:15:24
Speaker
I had to do this being born and raised in a cult. You are literally taught that your needs and wants and feelings and all of that do not matter. And so you give everything away as the outside love and that's all that matters. But when you start to untangle it, it is very confronting. It feels selfish and we'll get into some of that later, but it it goes back to remembering that you deserve it.
00:15:50
Speaker
And starting to measure things based on inside love versus outside love would be the the tool that I would give to somebody in that case. I love that you brought up mala making because i that is truly one of my most favorite parts of teaching others about mala making, right? there's You're tying 108 knots and you're securing beads and people, especially in their first in their first time, want it to be this perfect mala with these equally spaced beads and these tight little knots hugging them up to each other. And it is such a great metaphor for life.
00:16:30
Speaker
And you need the tools, right? I have needle nose pliers and I know visually how knots are created. So I know visually how to reverse engineer a knot if it's not in the right place. I think it's, It's just, it is truly one of my favorite metaphors in mala making for life because knots are gonna show up in places you don't want them.
00:16:52
Speaker
And I invite some people, I'm like, make an imperfect mala. And I, you know, and in one of our mala making experiences, We had someone who was moving too fast, didn't care. And his mala was aesthetically displeasing for sure. the end right there was It was not a pretty mala, but it was such a great expression, who not only of him personally, but also just a bigger expression of life is if you want it to look a certain way, you might need to slow down.
00:17:26
Speaker
You might need to correct. You might need to learn how to use more tools than you already have in order to do it. But I think we can all do that. And you know coming back to Danielle's question, codeend codependency could just be knot that's in the wrong place. And you can move forward and let it be there. Or you can take the time and maybe grab the right direction from someone else in order to untangle it and put it in the right place.
00:17:54
Speaker
And in that person's particular case, i don't think I've ever laughed so much and Amala thing because of the ridiculousness of how he handled it and at the end he was like this is not for me and the community had to step in and fix Amala and you know make it for him and so it's kind of a beautiful metaphor of like well we're gonna make a mess at least have fun and have a good community to pick you up and all of that too because you know he he knew at the end of the day this is not for me and took a step back so that also was not codependency was like a good community thing but
00:18:25
Speaker
Mallas are very, very good for learning more than one time. They're a great exercise in life lessons. but
Maintaining Dignity and Trust
00:18:32
Speaker
Absolutely. So Lena from Minneapolis, Minnesota wrote in and asked, Raven described handing out ashes to her husband's lovers at his celebration of life.
00:18:42
Speaker
How do you hold dignity in moments that feel publicly humiliating? I thought this was such a powerful inquiry. Very deep. Very, very deep.
00:18:54
Speaker
I was thinking when I was reading this and and kind of leaning into it, how cultured we are to feel a certain way versus the grace that we could have in so many experiences. And Raven really beautifully you know was able to show us what that would look like as far as giving you know her lover his lover some of the ashes and things like that. she She didn't make it about her because it wasn't. It doesn't have to be any other meaning than what you put on it.
00:19:28
Speaker
And maybe someone from the outside might look at it and go, well, that person had a bunch of lovers. That would be humiliating. But in their case, it was an expression of trying to find alignment and more love and you know the the what they were trying to experience and figure out together. And there is no wrong way of doing that for each individual. It's personal.
00:19:49
Speaker
And so when I read this, I thought, what a beautiful gift that she gave of showing and demonstrating what grace looks like and putting a different meaning on it. Because for me, I feel like, again,
00:20:03
Speaker
It's the meaning that we get to choose and how we want to step into life. And so much of the meanings that we have are passed down to us and stuff that we think it's like, but we're in the process of creating a new world right now. We are more connected, more different, and at on a pace to change everything faster than any time in human history. And these are the types of things that are happening in our world, having, you know, more extended communities and families that don't look like what they've looked like in the past. And we are going to have to step into a higher level of grace for all of that.
00:20:37
Speaker
So I think Raven's story was so good about that. But for me, the the answer to the question would be rewrite the story and choose a different meaning because we all get to choose. And for me, watching Raven, that was grace.
00:20:52
Speaker
And such a beautiful modeling of her holding her high frequency expression of who she was independent of maybe the low frequency expression of the other people observing things and really staying in her center of who she is and who she wants to be and who she wants to show her children that she is and the community at large and not letting those outside influences or those outside judgments and criticisms change her expression of love and connection and honoring, you know, even honoring Matt's connections with those other people.
00:21:37
Speaker
ah do, it it was just such a great way of modeling dignity and, you know, holding, holding her true core values.
00:21:50
Speaker
at the center of her expression even in what was undeniably ah tragic and traumatic and difficult experience absolutely but how could showing more love and having a higher statement of who you want to be be anything but beautiful ha really the next one is erica from san diego she said When everything collapses, how do you tell the difference between surrender and giving up?
00:22:23
Speaker
so That's a good one.
00:22:28
Speaker
I feel like sometimes giving up can look like surrendering, but I don't see it that way. I feel like giving up is actually white knuckling our attachment to the thing that we're not moving into.
00:22:46
Speaker
And I feel like surrender is a full release of our attachment and really being in the moment. And especially when we're in those experiences of collapse, where it feels like everything is falling down around us.
00:23:05
Speaker
Surrendering actually helps you move through the collapse. It helps you move towards the rebuild. because the rebuild is an inevitable part of the collapse.
00:23:19
Speaker
You can't have a beginning that isn't born from some ending. And every single ending creates the space for a new beginning.
00:23:32
Speaker
And surrender, it is an active practice and it is a conscious choice, but it's also the portal.
00:23:43
Speaker
Yes. i would say m I love how you said that that as far as I was thinking about surrendering to the flow of something, whereas you get giving up. it it's It's a hard explanation, but for me, it comes to trust. like It's really what I talk about most about trust in the universe, trust in yourself and all of that. But we talked, I think it was Raven who also talked about it as far as one of the reasons people don't have trust in the universe is because they don't have trust in themselves. And for for me, it's trust in that flow that everything is working out for your highest good. and like you said, when you do let go of something,
00:24:26
Speaker
you're making space for something else. But trust is the, for me, the difference between a true surrender and like you said, that white neckle knuckling of letting go, because it does come down to the attachment level of something. We've all had something where we didn't get what we wanted. And then we look back and we're like, yes, thank you so much. That was the biggest gift ever. And I think that is the trust I'm talking about is sometimes the giving up is like, oh, well, I don't deserve it or whatever. But the trust is if it's not for me, if I didn't get it or that didn't happen or whatever, it's not meant for me. It's something better is on the way or
00:25:09
Speaker
you know if I'm going through a breakup, that's because this is my highest good. Or if I'm going through a heartbreak, this is what's meant for me. so The trust for me is you will come through it. It is going to work out for your highest good.
00:25:22
Speaker
and surrender to the attachment of whatever that's going to look like. Because so many times, like i said, looking back, it's so much better than I thought it could have been when I didn't get what I wanted. And that's kind of what has developed that trust for me in the universe and and everything else.
00:25:40
Speaker
What's coming, like I'm seeing these images in my mind's eye right now of when you're on a river and you fall out of the boat, every guide will tell you,
00:25:52
Speaker
feet down, head up and float and let the river take you where you need to go. And I think that's especially powerful when we think about Raven's story. The children were in a high rapids river there. The family was in a high rapids river, right? they They were out of the boat and she shared such a poignant experience that at some point two of her children were clinging to her husband's body on the river and they had to let him go.
00:26:19
Speaker
They had to surrender to the what was, in order to save themselves. I think that's just a ah beautiful image of the greater experience of life is sometimes the wrappers are big. And if we are so attached to an outcome, it might take us under. And that that's what the you know the giving up can feel like is when we feel like we're subsurface and can't breathe and can't get our bearings
00:26:51
Speaker
The surrender is truly trusting that the universe has your back. you know whatever higher Whatever label you wanna put on higher source, if you can surrender to that, you will get to safety. You will get to the shore. It will take you where you need to go.
00:27:07
Speaker
But it is an active practice for sure. and collapse reveals with what control was hiding, right? We think so often we're in control of our experience and then something collapses and we're like, oh shit.
00:27:21
Speaker
Now what? I want to like soothe people's hearts in that place too. Like as far as letting go, there's so much, a talk to a lot of people that this human experience is so real to us, you know, it's so much a part, you know, our day-to-day life.
Trusting the Universe and Self
00:27:38
Speaker
And even in the story of Raven and, you know, her husband and the kid's dad passing away and things like that, it's hard it's a hard,
00:27:47
Speaker
thing for your heart to really accept sometimes that these tragedies end up being for our highest good for everyone involved, including, you know, if I believe and have seen through my life that even some of these souls that pass away, they are for our highest good. I have my best friend, I mentioned earlier in the story, she was what ended up passing away that ended up having our relationship be what it is now.
00:28:15
Speaker
And so a lot of these things, that was one of the hardest things for me. There's a soothing in your heart when you start to have that trust in the universe and knowing that even the most tragic things are for everyone involved's highest good.
00:28:29
Speaker
And that is a hard thing to step into and integrate. But my experience has shown me it's so true. and there's a trust that when you can really believe that, it will give you a peace. So I just wanted to say that. Absolutely.
00:28:45
Speaker
So we had some questions come in from listeners that were really focusing on the somatic experience, right? The the nervous system, the way that we interact as human beings with nervous systems and the real life coping skills. so Alicia from Miami wrote in and asked, when your body is screaming for rest, but your responsibilities don't stop, what does real self-trust look like?
00:29:09
Speaker
And then Jasmine also from Atlanta also wrote in and asked, when you're the strong one for everyone else, how do you know when it's finally time to sit down and let yourself fall apart? And I thought both of those questions were really powerful reflections of the human condition because we do have these three-dimensional bodies that have these needs like rest and nourishment and feeling grounded and we are still needing we're in relationship and we still have these things that have to get done what came up for you in those um what came up for me was when we about
00:29:52
Speaker
couple of months ago now, we had a journey, you and me and a couple of our friends. And afterwards, we were talking about my company one of my companies, Mushlove, and how it's ah it's a lot. there and There's you know me and I have workers and things like that. And I was trying to explain how sometimes it feels like a hamster wheel. And like it's just never ending. It's cleaning and planting and picking and it's a hamster wheel.
00:30:17
Speaker
um my My adopted mom, she said, you have to feed the machine, Alex, but you have to look at it like a machine and you have to look at yourself not like a machine. You're the human running everything behind it. And that has been such a good thing for me in my life because I do tend to kind of work a lot and I'm single. And so I have time to do all that. and then I'm like, oh, I could stop and I could play and I could take care of my needs and all of that. And so this last probably like six months, I've been really focusing on that.
00:30:47
Speaker
And so she she told me, like first, look at what you need and put those into your calendar and your schedule and work around those things and make them non-negotiable, but also it's a machine. So figure out what you the machine of your life needs to have. And if it's something that you can't fulfill, then put other pieces in place to pick that up and stuff like that. So for me, it looks like putting yourself first and knowing that you do have needs and not just needs, but wants, and you deserve to have some of those. And so like in the last few months, I've scheduled playtime and like have summer parties with Emily and stuff like that, because it's important that when we do when I do those things, I step out and and take the time. And then I find that the work goes better and my relationships go better and other things when I'm putting myself first. So for me, remembering that your job and your vocation, and even if you love it, even if it's fulfilling, it's still feeding the machine so that you can have a real life full of meaning and and putting all of that as a priority. And I feel like the rest falls into place.
Alignment and Boundaries
00:31:55
Speaker
I think also... Acknowledging that when it feels like things are falling apart, it's kind of like a a you know a jigsaw puzzle on the table. you You want to spread out all the pieces so you can put them back together and in the way that you know creates the image, that that gets you the end result you want. And I think when we're, especially in this hustle culture that we live in and in this you know time of rapid pace living,
00:32:21
Speaker
We, you know, kind of going back to that other that other question of we white knuckle what we think the outcome needs to be. And that doesn't really serve us. It doesn't serve us somatically. It doesn't serve our our our bodies.
00:32:34
Speaker
But it also doesn't serve the collective when we can't. put the pieces back together in a way that's truly aligned for us. And those are, you know, it it is a combination of self-awareness and aligned action and doing what you need to do that maybe doesn't look like what somebody else needs to do But knowing that and then prioritizing that lets those other pieces fall into place. You know, i know, especially with things like
00:33:08
Speaker
I'm a business. i'm ah I own multiple businesses. I'm a parent. I'm a partner. But I'm also Leslie, the woman who likes to snowboard and play with a dog and, you know, build egos with my kids and all of those things. And that can feel like a lot if things aren't aligned, if if the pieces aren't fitting together in the right way. And that is inside my circle of control. I'm in charge of how I spread out the pieces and let them fall apart, but I'm also in charge of how I put them back together so that I can rebuild.
00:33:42
Speaker
And I found too, like once you do those things and make space for the things that you love and the time, the rest of it seems to flow better. It it just does. You have more reserves to to put into everything else.
00:33:57
Speaker
And so once you do it, it it just fuels everything else. The next questions, we had another two that were kind of similar. So I'll go over both of those. Trevor from Boise, Idaho said, Elena said she had to discern who to help.
00:34:12
Speaker
How do you set that boundary without feeling selfish? And then Thomas from Omaha, Nebraska said, Alana talked about serving without people pleasing. Where is that line?
00:34:24
Speaker
I think the discernment is how you determine where the line is. And really knowing, again, coming back to what worked yesterday might not work today. and it's okay to shift the line, so to speak.
00:34:39
Speaker
you know and it And again, depending on how well-resourced are we how well-resourced are the person or people that we're in relationship with, And what does it really mean to help?
00:34:53
Speaker
I know in in my family, I am often triggered by the question, can I help? but Because again, manifesting generator, I got a lot of shit on my plate. I like to move fast. I like to do, I'm an only child. I like to do things my way.
00:35:09
Speaker
And especially when my kids were younger, they would say, can I help? But what they really were asking was, can I participate? So I think having that discernment as well of what do you really need help with?
00:35:24
Speaker
And is the person maybe who's asking for help, actually asking for connection or community? or guidance or direction. Like what does that word really mean?
00:35:38
Speaker
Because it's a small short word and we use it a lot, but I have learned in my years of lived experience, we don't always mean, it doesn't always mean the same thing for people and getting clarity for yourself first will help you hopefully model that clarity for other people.
00:36:01
Speaker
Yeah. I love that you said that. It's not always helpful when somebody's trying to help you. We're both kind of that way. and what I was thinking too about the way it was worded was how do you set the boundary without feeling selfish? Because a lot of times our feelings come up from programming and you know just old wiring and stuff like that. So I was thinking like,
00:36:25
Speaker
feel it. Feel the thing. Ask yourself why it feels selfish and try and get into it too, because there's probably a message that is underneath there that you're came from someone else or something that you might want to look at it. And when a feeling comes up for me, i look at it.
00:36:44
Speaker
I kind of lean into it and say, well, why do I feel selfish? And then sometimes it's just well that's somebody else's feeling or that's something else and then the after that it's practice okay well this isn't selfish it or maybe it is selfish in that i get to put myself first sometimes and it's not quote unquote selfish to put yourself first one of the one of the quotes i i love is betrayal of self in order to to not betray another is betrayal nonetheless and it's the highest betrayal so if you're betraying yourself
00:37:16
Speaker
It's the same thing as far as if you're not taking care of yourself, you cannot give. It's it's the same concept always of feel what you're going to feel and let yourself feel it, but then do what you need to do and allow yourself to have self-interest and self-love and self-crock and all those things and not tell yourself that it's selfish. And and knowing too like for me, sometimes the answer to the question, can I help mom is not right now.
00:37:44
Speaker
I need to do this fast. I need to get it complete. And I love you and I love your company, but it would not happen faster. It would not get complete with as much ease for me if we're doing it together. And, and having, you know, one of my favorite phrases that's coming up in conversations a lot right now is compassionate curiosity and really getting curious from that place of compassion about like,
00:38:11
Speaker
Why don't I want my cute little three-year-old to help me make dinner? Are you, because it will be a mess and it will take a long time and it won't, you know, maybe taste right and like all of the things, but doing it not just from a place of curiosity, but from a place of compassionate curiosity can help us navigate those feelings and maybe put new meaning on them. Because I think you, you made a really powerful point, putting yourself first,
00:38:40
Speaker
is not always selfish. Sometimes it actually serves the relationship. And that is a conditioning that is deeply ingrained in many of us that could benefit from a little energetic edit, I think.
00:38:56
Speaker
Absolutely, for sure. Strength without boundaries becomes self abandonment and that doesn't serve. It really doesn't. Perfectly said.
00:39:07
Speaker
So David from Portland, Oregon wrote in and asked, Raven mentioned losing her fear after losing the people closest to her. Is that something that naturally happens or is it a conscious choice?
Fear and Conscious Choices
00:39:21
Speaker
And I think short answer, it's a conscious choice. This one, well, I mean, when I i left the cult, I left everyone. It's a long story, but everybody overnight was just gone. you know Everybody I had known, i was 21 and lost everybody. And let me tell you, the fear is not like naturally gone. or it It's a process and a cultivation. And thankfully, Raven was in a very different experience and had a you know a network. I had nothing at that time. But it's for for me, it was a conscious choice over many, many years, one step at a time. And me,
00:40:04
Speaker
Again, a lot of my stories are very dramatic and maybe, you know, not what everybody else is going through. But fear was ingrained in us from birth. Like what we were taught was Armageddon was going to come any day and kill everybody besides us.
00:40:20
Speaker
And so like when I left the cult, I believed Armageddon was still going to come and I was gonna be one the people that died. So anytime anything happens in the world, like anything, the they'll say, oh, this is it. This is Armageddon. And so it was cultured in me to think that. So the first few years when I left, any single time something was happening, would be like, crap, it's Armageddon, I'm going to die.
00:40:42
Speaker
That fear was so real, so palpable for many years. But it took a conscious rewiring over those many years when it would happen to sit with it. and Not at first, it's not natural at first. It took a long time, especially because I was so young, to say, do I believe this? What would I rather believe instead?
00:41:04
Speaker
you know What has my life showed me? What am I trying to step into? And then the definition and the fear changed gradually to now when something happens, i don't even think of that. It's not even remotely a part of my neural wiring anymore.
00:41:20
Speaker
Could I tap back into that? Probably. But the choice was to rebuild from there in a different way, because fear is just wiring. That's one of the reasons I love my job so much is, you know, mushrooms help with neuroplasticity. and Anyone can build a habit. They say it takes 21 days, but the neuroplasticity makes it a lot easier. And then we can build that wiring over shorter amounts of time, because we have the power to to rewrite that story and choose differently.
00:41:47
Speaker
Absolutely. it's ah It's a game changer when we start to understand the distinction between our minds and our brains. you know the The thoughts are the are the outcome of those neural pathways firing.
00:42:04
Speaker
Learning how to put ourselves in new places and practicing being bad at it at first. right it it is It is very much a conscious choice to reprogram fear-based beliefs.
00:42:19
Speaker
but it is a possibility. And I think even just knowing that becomes the doorway to being able to walk through it. It's practice. It's not an easy practice at all, especially like I said, if you come from some very deep, you know damaging narratives that you have wired into your brain. But the beautiful part is we can rewire them and we can build ourselves and our mind to support us and our habits.
00:42:50
Speaker
So next question is from Kevin from Kansas City, Missouri. She said, Raven said she won't repeat the same story in relationships.
00:43:02
Speaker
How do you make sure you don't unconsciously create it
00:43:07
Speaker
I think that was a it was an interesting question because I was I was thinking the answer is kind of tricky, right? Because if it's if you're doing it unconsciously, you're not aware. So I think the the trick or the the strategy is to move it into our consciousness.
00:43:24
Speaker
And I think especially, you know, as, as Raven was, was saying that was such as assertive authority, it's because it's a conscious choice. She was aware of what she had done unconsciously in reflection, right? Cause that's, that's how we move things from the unconscious to the conscious, to our conscious awareness is through reflection and then being open to seeing, Oh,
00:43:49
Speaker
I did that thing. I didn't even really do that thing consciously, but I don't like the outcome of that thing I did What am I going to do on purpose differently in order to live a different outcome in my future?
00:44:02
Speaker
So I think it's really about, you know, and in any stories that we find ourselves repeating, I've shared in past episodes, you know, i i was in the same kind of relationship dynamic for decades.
00:44:15
Speaker
And I was not aware of my contribution, right? It was an unconscious choice to put myself in those kinds of relationship dynamics until I was willing to do the deep personal inquiry and be like, oh, well, I'm the only consistent variable in all these different relationships.
00:44:35
Speaker
And that is something i have the power to shift if I choose to. What are the tools that I don't have that I might need to access? What are the awarenesses that I need to move forward with? And, you know, kind of like you were talking about, could you tap back into that fear?
00:44:54
Speaker
It's still there. It's certainly still in the ethers. And there's probably still some neural pathway somewhere in your brain where you could fire it and access it. And you make a conscious choice to use different tools and make different choices to be in charge of the outcome.
00:45:12
Speaker
And I think that's just such a... again, not an easy practice always, but it is a really simple framework when we are choosing to be different versions of ourselves.
00:45:27
Speaker
Yeah. i You said the exact right thing, which is, you know, make it conscious. was thinking about this as far as the stories that you know we all recreate.
00:45:39
Speaker
one of the things I've done a kind of an exercise is writing down the story that I was living, depending on the situation and in relationships, this could be an easy one. and then writing down the story that I would want to create and then figuring out the gaps between them.
00:45:54
Speaker
Because it's very, writing is so powerful in that it's clear and concrete and you can see the actual feelings that you're having and the story that you're telling and the differences between them.
00:46:07
Speaker
And like you said, you can build a new pathway, you can build a new wiring, but if you keep running the same ones, you're going to get the same results. So trying to figure out what story you would like to live and what that would look like and who you would need to be to build that story. And then when you go into relationships or situations with relationships, making sure that you are staying true to who you are in those things, because it's so easy to slip back in to the old pattern if you don't have
00:46:37
Speaker
a way point, you know, a the way that you want to be. And so being able to create a new pattern, you got to know what you want to create as well. Know where you work, know where you want to go, and then figure out what it looks like in between and who you need to be to be that person.
00:46:52
Speaker
And also, as far as relationships go, you know, Raven's like, I'm not going to have somebody live in my house. I'm going be single for a while. Like, I'm going to figure it out. I think that's very healthy too, as far as knowing who you are before you go into a relationship and being so happy and proud and standing in and of yourself so that you can be whole when you do enter into, especially like a romantic relationship, you know, a significant other, which is what she was talking about.
00:47:22
Speaker
So that it's harder to be thrown off balance if you're full of yourself. It's harder to be, you know, fall back into an old pattern when you have a new one. And you love it.
00:47:33
Speaker
And so I think that would be the other thing is make sure before you do enter that relationship, if you're not one in one already, you know and love who you are. and love that you talked about writing it down too. I've facilitated several workshops and and sometimes one of the exercises i invite people into is to write down the story of something painful that that is burdensome.
00:47:56
Speaker
And then I pair them off and I have them just read it. over and over and over and over until they untangle the emotion from it.
00:48:07
Speaker
Because it is just a story until we put meaning on it and we feel the emotions. And sometimes it's a painful story. And then the pain becomes separate from the story. And when we take that painful emotion out of it,
00:48:24
Speaker
we're more empowered to write a new story. And it it is it is i mean it is such a gift and honor to be able to watch that transition in real time with people and see, i can almost see the power like come back into their hearts and then they get to move forward with it.
00:48:43
Speaker
Because we don't we don't just survive heartbreak, right? We reauthor who we are and integrate those lessons. absolutely so jordan from brooklyn new york wrote in and asked how do you stay open to love after betrayal or profound loss
00:49:08
Speaker
that a another one that i've had to practice quite a bit i mean especially um you know and i left the cult at like i said at 21 I personally don't know anyone in my life from that
Living Heart Forward
00:49:21
Speaker
time. i don't have anybody. Like my oldest friend, I think I met him when I was like 23, couple of years after I got out the call.
00:49:27
Speaker
And so that heartbreak was very real and very, felt like very much of betrayal as far as, you know, was my own family and loved ones and all of that.
00:49:39
Speaker
But we're here for love. We're here for connection. And What I had to learn over time and what I wish I could just hand to people like a bottle product is unknowing that just because someone else doesn't approve of you or see you or love you or any of these things doesn't mean you're not worthy of that and that there aren't people out there for you.
00:50:04
Speaker
And it took me a long time to even... really believe it, that's why I wish I could bottle it and give it to people is because it is so hard to, there's a difference between a knowing and a believing, an integrating of it into you, which is which is what I think the difference ah of integration is, is having it be a thought, an idea, and being able to live it as an experience when you want to.
00:50:27
Speaker
And so I would tell people to work on integrating the idea of love that's right for you and meant for you and feels like Grok is available and out there and ready. It's just that maybe the things that you've been through and the people you were around, they just weren't those people and that's okay.
00:50:49
Speaker
Yeah, I read this question and I thought about this tattoo I have on my left arm that says there's always a choice. And I think it's, you know, it's not always easy. it's in it And my tattoo is actually inspired by a larger quotation it says, I've learned in life there's always a choice and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude.
00:51:07
Speaker
And I call it like my permanent attitude adjustment. But I think that's that was what was coming up for me when I was reading Jordan's question is you choose to stay open and you don't let the betrayal or the loss become the defining boundary and really letting it become part of that solid ground that you stand on in order to be open because it's not a reflection of who any one of us are if we're betrayed or have heartbreak right and that's just a part of human life and it's going to give us back to ourselves every time but the most important thing is to know with that
00:51:51
Speaker
You are lovable and you are worthy and you just have to find the right people that are in alignment with you. if It doesn't make anyone else wrong or bad or other. It's just what's right for each of us individually.
00:52:03
Speaker
All right, next question. Evan from Scottsdale, Arizona said, what does living heart forward actually look like when you're afraid of being hurt again?
00:52:16
Speaker
think it looks like strength. I think it looks like power. think it looks like understanding that you are holding the pen of the story that you're living and choosing to put that pen to the prover proverbial paper and know that hurt can be a source of that strength and that power.
00:52:48
Speaker
and creating conscious, for me at least, creating the conscious space for whatever that hurt might have brought forward to me and letting it fill that conscious space I've created in a way that feels supportive.
00:53:07
Speaker
Absolutely. i think hurt is, you know, it's like touching a hot stove and if you don't ever want to do it again. So it feels bad, but Focusing on how good the love feels can be the opposite in that I don't know if there's anything that feels better in the world than having people that love you and you love and really feeling like they rock you.
00:53:33
Speaker
i don't know if there is a better feeling in the world than that. I haven't found it if there is. um But being really seen and known and loved and made a space for it as who you are is the best feeling there is and being able to keep that heart forward feeling in your heart and walking and knowing not only can you experience it but you can give it to others and you can receive it from others that can keep you going so much and knowing that it exists it's available to you and you deserve it and so the contrast of
00:54:12
Speaker
Yes, the hurt hurts, but the love feels better than the hurt hurts. It's what keeps me going sometimes.
00:54:21
Speaker
I would agree with all of that. And I think that is, I hope, what will help all of us keep going is remembering we are deserving of that, but we are also that that other people, that love that other people are deserving of and not pinching ourselves off from, from that experience and really just making the courageously vulnerable choice to love again and to move through life with that beautiful expression of being a human being. Absolutely.
00:55:00
Speaker
So Michael from l LA wrote in and asked, after everything that both guests have walked through, what would you say is the most important choice that we make every single day? And I think that really comes back to the whole mission of this podcast of giving yourself grace when you trip on your cape and remembering that you're a superpower and fluffing out that cape again. and letting other people lift you up and support you when you're feeling down and feeling under-resourced and being willing to do the same for others.
00:55:42
Speaker
Absolutely. and no, give yourself permission to fucking fly. Like how many times have we all tripped on our Cape already? We know we've done it. Now let's fly. Like give yourself permission to be a fucking badass and like allow yourself to think of yourself that way. Because so much of, especially where I came from and a lot of the messages in the world are just like,
00:56:07
Speaker
want like everything's bad and life sucks, but you know what? It doesn't have to, we can change it. My life doesn't suck. My life's awesome. And I have awesome people. And if I can say that, trust me, anyone can, because i built it and I did it. And it's proof that anyone can. And so i think the choice to make every day is I'm probably going to trip. That isn't always going to happen. It just is just what is. But you know what? I'm going to try to fly. I'm going to try and be fucking awesome. And James, the world, my world, my own self,
00:56:38
Speaker
And I think that's the best choice for me that I try and make these days is I'm enough. I'm awesome. But also I want to fly. i want to do awesome things. I love that. that's That's just the perfect way to wrap it up February.
00:56:54
Speaker
Yes. We are so grateful for everybody's questions. It's just really good questions and helps with some deep, deep thoughts and resonance. And I appreciate appreciate it so much. So keep those questions coming and keep all of your feedback. where We just love it.
00:57:10
Speaker
Absolutely. We, we learn from you as much as we hope that you learn from us. So let's stay connected and share the message. We want to grow this community and we're so, so grateful that you are already in it. So thank you. And until next time.
00:57:25
Speaker
Don't trip on your cape. We'll see you then. Bye everybody.
00:57:31
Speaker
Thanks for joining Alex and Leslie on Don't Trip On Your Cake. I really appreciate you being here and walking path with them. If today's episode sparked something in you, if it helps you rock something new about yourself or your journey, show your support by subscribing to the channel, liking episode, and leaving a comment to show your thoughts or takeaways.
00:57:46
Speaker
Your voice helps to grow this community of brave, curious humans learning to wither kitchen confidence. and Until next time, fly high, stay curious, and Don't On Your Cake. Step into your superpower.