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Episode 11: When Strength Is a Conversation
10 Plays1 month ago
In this Strength Month Q&A episode, Leslie and Alex respond to questions from the community about labels, addiction, forgiveness, conflict, shame, and what it really means to live in alignment. Drawing from lived experience, past guest conversations, and their own evolving relationship with strength, they explore how healing unfolds through inquiry, compassion, and conscious choice. This episode reflects on how strength is built not in isolation, but through dialogue, reflection, and the willingness to grok ourselves more deeply. A reminder that you do not have to have it all figured out to be strong, and that sometimes the most powerful growth begins with a question.
Links
Don’t Trip on Your Cape
https://www.donttriponyourcape.com
Can We Grok? (New Segment)
https://www.donttriponyourcape.com/can-we-grok
Aligned Living & Leadership (Leslie Arboleda)
https://alignedlivingandleadership.com
Mush Love
https://mushlovellc.com
A Human Being With Love by Alex Embry
https://ahumanbeingwithlove.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Podcast and Theme
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Don't Trip On Your Cape, the podcast where Leslie, the founder Align Living and Leadership, and her amazing co-host Alex from Much Love dive into the very things that weigh us down, only to reveal those burdens are actually our greatest strengths.
00:00:12
Speaker
Together, they help listeners recognize that what feels heavy is often just your own unique superpower in disguise. So grab your cape, and let's explore how to wear without stumbling.
Community Engagement and Q&A Announcement
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello, and welcome to this episode of Don't Trip On Your Cape. I'm Alex. And I'm Leslie. And today we're going to have our first question and answers episode. We reached out to the community. We've been asking you for questions. We reached out to some of our friends and we're really excited to the things that you've asked and to get into some of this and just have a really nice conversation. So once you see the episode, please start sending us your your questions as well. We can't wait to have you involved.
00:00:49
Speaker
So much. This first question i was really excited to receive.
Questioning Labels: Are They Limiting or Empowering?
00:00:55
Speaker
So Riley from Asheville asked, when Emily talked about holding onto labels like PTSD and anxiety as armor, it hit her really hard. And so how do you know when those labels are helping you versus when they're holding you back?
00:01:13
Speaker
I loved that part of Emily's entire interview because I resonated with it so well, because I also had PTSD. I also very much felt like a victim, you know, cult survivor, you know, things like that. But I remember one time watching an interview with um Oprah when she was interviewing Dr. Double T. Taylor.
00:01:35
Speaker
And ah at the end of the interview, oprah asked her, are you a stroke victim or are you a stroke triumphant? And I thought that was a really good way of framing it because there will come a time eventually when you will see the benefit of everything and the meaning of it. It's in the middle of it trying to flip that perspective and knowing that all of the things that you go through are going to be you know good. But I do understand when you're in the middle of it feeling like a victim of those things.
Empowerment through Rewriting Personal Narratives
00:02:06
Speaker
So for me, and you know you can answer this as well, obviously, but for me, it's just kind of
00:02:12
Speaker
trying to have that perspective, looking for the lesson. You always say it better, the gift and um all of those three things. But yeah, all of that, the things that you can look for, the perspective in it, and then taking the label and instead of making it a victim label, we'll see how you can become a victor or a triumphant over that thing. That's where it starts to flip, but it's not an easy flip to make.
00:02:37
Speaker
It's definitely a conscious effort for most of us. I talk a lot with folks who are managing trauma in their lives. And a lot of times people look at the trauma continuum is either traumatized or surviving, But that's just part of the journey. There's this next step that's thriving.
00:02:57
Speaker
And I think when we stop at just the survivor label, it still tethers us to the trauma. And when we take that empowered step into thriving, that's when we transmute the experience that's when it goes from being something that was holding us back or or holding us down to something that helps us move forward and helps us rise up um yeah and it's it's it is you know certainly to your point it is a conscious re-labeling i think our you know
00:03:33
Speaker
from a human perspective, our brains like labels, our brains like categories, our our brains like to put stuff in places.
Taking Control of Your Narrative
00:03:41
Speaker
And when we aren't consciously putting stuff in places that feels supportive, I think that's when we can feel like the labels are holding us back and stuck. And, you know, it it is such a process of personal inquiry and then aligned action with that new story that we write about ourselves. we you know i I talk a lot about we're holding the pen of the story we're living.
00:04:10
Speaker
And so often we feel like we aren't, we've given the pin to someone else and we've let them write the story of who we are and how we be. And when we take that pin back, I think that's when we know that the labels are helping us because they've helped us move forward.
00:04:27
Speaker
So that was part of why I really loved this question. Well, the thing to your point too, and the whole point of our podcast is how many of these labels are the things we trip over, but then they become your superpower.
Transforming Labels into Superpowers
00:04:40
Speaker
I think of things like autism or ADHD or even you know the PTSD or all those kind of things, they start to give you a certain different way of seeing the world. And eventually, once you embrace that, not as a liability, but as a superpower, a lot of these labels can be transformed into things that you love about yourself. And I'm not talking about obviously necessarily traumatic things, and and some but sometimes even those, but more. some of these labels that just you might work differently than the norm so to speak but that is what we need in the world and so some of it is taking the label and understanding it is not against you but it's for you and so it is a journey to transform it into that triumphant thriving process but once you do and like you said rewrite the story take the label and make it what you want it to be that is really what we're all about here
00:05:35
Speaker
And you talk a lot of times about how I am or are the two most powerful words in our English language. And I think a lot of times, you know, especially with my, my background in therapy, A lot of people come in with the I am autistic, I am, you know, and I really invite people to just rewrite the languaging even. I'm diagnosed with anxiety.
00:05:58
Speaker
That may very well be true and that may very well be verifiable, but it's not who you are. It's ah it's something that you get to move through life with.
Labels as Feedback Tools
00:06:09
Speaker
yes And I think that's another really powerful way to look at the labels that we're naturally going to slap on everything that we have in our lives. Even, you know some of some of you know, this is good, this is bad versus it feels good or it feels bad because then it becomes feedback and feedback is something we can move forward with.
00:06:34
Speaker
Yes, all of the labels, the messages, they're for us. And so we can use them however we want to write our story and become that superhero. We we are meant and deserve to be in our lives.
00:06:48
Speaker
Awesome. You want to share what Marcus's question was for Nick? Yeah, pull them back up. I always lose them. So Marcus was from Portland, Oregon, and he asked a question about Nick.
Intentionality and Impact in Personal Habits
00:07:00
Speaker
And he said that Nick mentioned using drugs socially before it turned a dependence into independence. or dependence He said, how can someone tell when a habit crosses that invisible line into addiction?
00:07:13
Speaker
You want to start here? um As i I mentioned, I think in that episode, we this has been an active conversation in my partnership with our therapists. And I think...
00:07:26
Speaker
it's really hard to identify sometimes whether use is abuse and when abuse becomes addiction. And I think it comes back to that, the way that we're using anything, whether it's, whether it's substances or whether it's tools. I think a lot of people can become overly reliant on any tool that they use, even, you know, even in therapy, I, part of why i I moved away from therapy and into coaching is because so often there's this,
00:08:05
Speaker
unspoken power dynamic between therapist and client like the therapist knows something that the client doesn't and i i got really clear as i started having conversations with with people i don't know you better than you know you one of my superpowers is asking really great questions and then holding space for you to magnetize the answer in a way that feels empowering So I think for at least for me and and based on my experience, um that habit crossing over the line has to do with how you are engaging in in the activity.
00:08:49
Speaker
I think of something as simple as food. i mean, it's a necessary thing that we have to have to live on a day to day basis.
Healthy Relationships with Food
00:08:57
Speaker
But my relationship with food at different points in my life was not healthy. It was I neglected what I need nutritionally. Sometimes I gave myself you know the wrong things. But food is a tool that we need to live. And you know you can go both ways where you eat too much, you undereat. But eventually in my life,
00:09:18
Speaker
I learned that the reason I was abusing that tool was because it wasn't I wasn't taking care of myself and it was just another form of misalignment with myself in in something as easily as just eating on a day-to-day basis. And even eating can lead into addiction and it changed my entire relationship with food when I wanted to lose weight and started to look at the nutritional value, the way muscles need certain things, the way your brain needs certain things. and so Anything can be made into an addiction, like exercise, like literally anything that we have in our lives, all of it is just tools. And really knowing
00:09:57
Speaker
Like you said, we don't know anybody. Nobody knows you better than you know yourself. Only you know who you are. But you will know by the feeling ah each of them gives you and your relationship with those things more than anything. Because you can tell when you're out of alignment. You can tell something's off balance. And especially...
00:10:16
Speaker
I do work a lot with, um you know, entheogenics and medicines like that. And, you know, a lot of people will tell me and ask me this question a lot. And you can feel the difference when you're using them intentionally. And even when you're not, there is such a different experience that you have. And so just for me, it's the intentionality of it. And as you say, intention does not negate impact because then you have to look at the impact they're making on your life.
00:10:44
Speaker
Yeah, I think food's a really interesting lens to look at it because a lot of times we're just not informed either we're not informed because we're not listening to that inner feedback right i i it doesn't feel good but i choose to ignore it or the physical feedback doesn't feel good but the psychological impact does and i think when we are better informed doesn't necessarily lead to our aligned action, but if we're misinformed, we're we're a lot less likely to make those healthy choices. And so we have to, from a place of empowerment, become informed.
Informed Choices and Self-Awareness
00:11:24
Speaker
you know um My mom is is diabetic. There's a lot of diabetes in that
00:11:29
Speaker
side of my family genetics. And I was, I was actually just listening to a researcher talk about how important even the order of eating food is when it comes to a glycemic spike and thinking about how many people don't even understand you can eat veggies and potatoes and meat and have it, have it just the order of consumption will shift how your body is able to process those nutrients and serve you or not. I think Nick spoke to it really powerfully when, when he was talking about the reason that he was, the reasons that he was using drugs was not just to numb
00:12:13
Speaker
the pain, but to turn up the volume on the feedback of the feel good so that it was louder than the feedback of this doesn't serve you.
The Importance of Self-Awareness
00:12:25
Speaker
and I think we just, we need to learn to take our power back when it comes to, to any of our behaviors, whether it's social use of recreational drugs for, for fun or whether it's, you know, prescribed use of medications for health,
00:12:43
Speaker
I think a lot of times, even even that, right, people will look at a prescribed pharmaceutical from a professional doctor and say, well, I'm taking the pill and it's doing the thing. And and let that be the end of the inquiry.
00:12:57
Speaker
So I think to marcus's to answer Marcus's question, it really comes back to listening to yourself. And the impact that your choices are making on you.
00:13:09
Speaker
It's perfect. So Jasmine from Toronto asked, in our first strength episode, I talked about strength doesn't feel like a conflict.
Strength in Alignment and Conflict
00:13:20
Speaker
What does strength feel like when it's actually aligned? And for me, strength feels like alignment when it's the loudest and most actionable feedback I can get.
00:13:33
Speaker
And that's not always an easy thing to listen to certainly. even for for me and I'm in this conversation a lot personally and professionally, but it comes back to the listening.
00:13:49
Speaker
And if you feel a conflict or you hear a conflict or you're engaged in a relational dynamic of conflict, you're still in a position of power, but you've gotta be able to leverage that awareness.
00:14:09
Speaker
I think and like the point about being in a conflict and still being able to have strength, I feel like it's Staying true to who you are, even in those things.
00:14:19
Speaker
ah One of my favorite things conversations with God says, people ask him a lot, like, how do I know if the thing within me is my higher self or my ego or all of these things? And he says, it'll be your highest thought, the one that's the most loving, the most kind, and maybe one that you didn't even think that you can act on at times, but it'll be there. And so sometimes it's the strength for me is finding my highest thought in the moment when I don't even want to act on it, but I do. like and and And that is part of what my inner strength that I've learned is, you know, your ego can get get in the way sometimes of doing the things, even as far as addiction. Sometimes you're like, I deserve this thing that I know is not good for me. Or I want to say the thing because I want to be mean back or whatever it happens to be.
00:15:07
Speaker
strength for me is tuning into that highest thing the actual version of myself i want to be and you know it's not always perfect and you don't always do it right but i feel like that is how you can really avoid conflict or even when you are in a conflict navigate in a strength in a way of strength you said something that really struck me when you said um even when you're in a conflict Conflict's an unavoidable part of human relationship, right?
Navigating Conflict with Skills
00:15:37
Speaker
We're we are rarely, if ever, going to be in a relationship that is conflict-free.
00:15:43
Speaker
it The power, the strength comes from learning the skills to navigate the conflict in a way that doesn't ultimately hurt you or the person you're in relationship with. or when it does hurt you or the person you're in relationship with, how do you correct it How do you course correct? What do you say? What do you do? What do you take ownership of and learn from so that it's there for you the next time that the unavoidable conflict shows up? Because it is unavoidable.
00:16:21
Speaker
And that doesn't make it bad or wrong. It's an opportunity, at least for me, the way I look at it now, because as you know, I'm i'm a little fiery person to be in relationship with. i'm I'm not going to avoid conflict, but I love to know the skills to navigate it with more grace and more poise and more love and more compassion.
00:16:45
Speaker
That's one of the reasons I appreciate our relationship and our friendship and you so much is partially because those things actually make you stronger and grow together, have more strength in a relationship, in a dynamic. Because when you do navigate those hard times, whether it be you know in and of yourself that you're going through things, you're cultivating that strength and you're cultivating a strength with another person when you go through a hard dynamic as well. Because that is really...
00:17:11
Speaker
like you said, unavoidable. It's inevitable that it is going to happen. So having the relationships where you know that you can go into a conflict and at the end of the day, those are going to make you stronger. You're going to have, you're going to fight the problem and not each other.
00:17:27
Speaker
that that those are life-changing moments as well. And such a gift that those conflict can give, not just to the the conflict itself or whatever problem you're trying to address, but to each other and showing up in in that strength and having those tools. And so I think conflict, like you said, it it it can be exactly what you need. And I'm grateful for people like you that do not avoid it because that is how relationships get stronger.
00:17:53
Speaker
i think there's something... to that idea of so many of us will isolate to avoid conflict. we'll we'll insulate ourselves from the breakdowns with people by just simply choosing not to be in relationship with people.
00:18:11
Speaker
I know, especially in my late 20s, I lived in a big house with three dogs and two cats, and loved to have people over, but I also loved to send them away.
00:18:22
Speaker
and I reflect back on that time now as part of that was my self-protection mode. And I could just you know take my ball and go home, so to speak, instead of stay on the playground and figure out how to play in a copacetic way and you know practice losing the game and practice being wrong. And I really want to invite our listeners to to reflect on their own experiences and and learn to welcome that opportunity that can come from conflict.
00:19:00
Speaker
ah ah So Leo from Manchester had a question about something you said in one of the com one of the episodes. He writes, Alex describes strength in childhood as stuffing yourself into boxes.
Unlearning Early Strength Myths
00:19:15
Speaker
So how can we begin to unlearn those early messages about what it means to be strong? Yeah, that's my favorite.
00:19:26
Speaker
It's a perfect question because it goes back to my favorite quote of remembering who you were before the world told you who to be. But it's, we always say things that are simple are not easy. And this is kind of the perfect you know example of that is sometimes you don't know who you are. you just don't know you know who you aren't. And that's essentially where I had to start a lot of the time because Everything was defined for me. um And when I first left the cult, it was the most interesting experience of my life because I didn't know who I was, but I also didn't know anything. You know, it wasn't even like I was like, i need I'm here and I need to get to there. I was just out of the box, but I didn't know anything about where to go. And so the first step is knowing what you're not, of course, and then starting to try on other things to figure out what you are and not, you know, getting mad at yourself along the way. for the wrong things or for for finding different parts of yourself piece by piece because it is an unfolding and a creating and it is constant and it never stops changing. But to start to get out of the boxes and then know you're going to create yourself from there is really for me where it all starts, where your life really, really starts.
00:20:39
Speaker
When I read this question, what came through for me is Not all of those things that we think we need to unlearn are inaccurate.
00:20:51
Speaker
um I, you know, I am i'm an only child. i was very indulged as I've shared, you know, in past episodes. um And I can show up very self-focused.
00:21:05
Speaker
And there was a time in my life where I would make myself wrong for that, or i would push back and resist that that was wrong when it was feedback from other people.
00:21:17
Speaker
And what I've learned in my own process of personal inquiry is how to realign to that truth. Because I truly believe that each of us is in fact the most important person in our lives.
00:21:32
Speaker
And I don't think that that is selfish and I don't think that is wrong. I think a lot of times, at least for me, I have shown up in a way that didn't feel supportive with that truth, or I over-prioritized my wound of feeling unimportant. And then my behaviors reflected that misalignment.
00:21:57
Speaker
So for for me, when I was reading this, I was thinking, yes, there is certainly an unlearning process as we go through personal inquiry and we go through this personal growth process.
Integrating Past Truths with Adult Identity
00:22:08
Speaker
But part of the unlearning might not be rejecting the label or the truth. Part of that relearning might be how to reorient ourselves to that truth in a way that does feel compassionate and supportive and collaborative.
00:22:27
Speaker
Right. we You talk a lot about collaborating with the universe. In relationships, we're collaborating with other people. We're co-creating the dynamic. um You know, and as I've shared a and multiple times, I stay in my house a lot because there's a there's a lot of us here.
00:22:46
Speaker
No breakdown between any two people is any one person's fault. Because we can always take an empowered stance to reorient ourselves to the experience, to what someone did or said or didn't do or didn't say.
00:23:03
Speaker
So I think that's, for me at least, that's part of that really powerful realignment to the process of unlearning and relearning is taking in the parts that really are accurate and then transmuting them in a way that feels supportive.
00:23:22
Speaker
I like that too because you know as you're talking, I was thinking there were some things that I knew about myself that were stuffed in other boxes that I had to unpack again and go, hey, wait, this did fit me. you know Because maybe some people other people are putting you in boxes as well. so the question goes both ways. As you said, you sometimes are going to realign to you things you already knew that someone else told you were wrong. And that is also...
00:23:49
Speaker
a real like a relearning or an unlearning but a creation back to who you are it's a remembering more than anything and you'll know each step along the way but I love that you pointed out that sometimes it's not even just you know finding new things or unlearning new things it's relearning what you knew that someone tells you was wrong because that is very very important some of the biggest messages I had early I did not live until later So let me ask the next question, which is from Maya in San Diego.
Self-Forgiveness and Past Consequences
00:24:20
Speaker
She talked about, she has a question about what Emily said. She said, Emily shared forgiveness was the hardest part of healing. How do you forgive yourself when you're still living with the consequences of old decisions?
00:24:33
Speaker
Start.
00:24:38
Speaker
It's not always easy, but it is pretty simple. You make the choice. You just make the choice. And, you know, a lot of times when I say that, especially in client sessions, people get really confronted and they don't like that answer.
00:24:56
Speaker
And we can, so many times we look at making the choices, this long extended convoluted process. Oh, well, I have to do this and this and this before I can make the choice, which may be true, right? I'm a big, I'm a big proponent of preparation, but the choice itself is a moment.
00:25:16
Speaker
it just, when, when the choice happens, it happens. And we sometimes shoot ourselves in the foot because we put all these conditions and qualifiers in place for the choice.
00:25:30
Speaker
You know, when I do the work, when this person changes, when I'm older, whatever. And that I think that ultimately doesn't really serve the process, especially when it comes to forgiveness, because forgiveness isn't for another person and it isn't something someone else can do for you.
00:25:54
Speaker
So you have to have that empowered place of self-awareness. I'm deserving ah forgiveness, even if no one else is willing to gift it to me because it's not theirs to give.
00:26:11
Speaker
I was thinking too, like, A lot of the times when you have a hard time forgiving yourself, it's because you don't have grok. You don't have the looking at it and knowing it's already a part of you, figuring out what parts of you made those decisions and understanding that we always do the best we have with what we know. And usually when we do something that is out of alignment or that we really regret, it's because there was some wounded part of us, some childhood part of us, you know, Emily talked about that a lot Some of the choices she made were because of the things that happened to her in childhood, the martyrdom that she took on and all those kind of things. And so looking at it, what led you to those decisions and giving yourself the grok that you deserve? Because often sometimes
00:26:59
Speaker
I feel like we will give to another something we won't him give to ourselves. So if you can look at it like as an almost an outside person, what led this person to this these things? what What were the choices? What were they going through? And give what you would give to somebody else experiencing those things. Grok is often where I start when I know I need to. I know that I need to make that choice, but I'm like, there's something holding me back. And it's usually i need to look at why and what came up for me and and the feelings that really led me to those things so that I can also know that i know I won't make that again because the forgiveness that I would give myself is I know where it came from.
00:27:41
Speaker
I can forgive where it came from. And now I can make better choices with that understanding, with that grok. And I do a good bit of relationship coaching in the family setting. And one of the things I share often is the biggest thing places of our power in relationship, whether it's to self or others is benefit of the doubt and assuming best interest.
Assuming Best Intentions in Relationships
00:28:08
Speaker
And oftentimes I think when we aren't doing those things, it's really hard to give the forgiveness because we get stuck in that story of not giving someone the benefit of the doubt and not assuming best interest.
00:28:23
Speaker
because of our own wounds and our own experiences, or even with ourselves, you know, why did I do that thing? Why did I stay in that relationship? Why did I, you know, engage in the, in the unhealthy behaviors?
00:28:37
Speaker
And when we can reflect back through that lens of especially benefit of the doubt, oh, well, even though it showed up in a really shitty way, it was my best effort.
00:28:48
Speaker
It was their best effort. And if it doesn't feel good, what what information is missing in order to to transform it into something that can become beneficial?
00:29:02
Speaker
ne Absolutely. It's usually just the smallest of things that changes everything for you. And like you said, like all the time you say no to, you know, no breakdown between two people is one person's thing. And sometimes you see your stuff and you don't even see the stuff maybe they were triggered by and the things that led them to the things as well. And just grokking an entire situation can change everything for you because,
00:29:27
Speaker
for For so many of the things that we go through, we're not equipped. We don't get a manual that says, this is for you, exactly who you are. Here you go. And so we are learning things that we've stuffed in boxes and we are handling addiction and all of these different things we don't even know we're going through until one day we start things start to click. And then the forgiveness is part of the best part of when things start to move on after that as well. So it's not always easy, but it is simple. to give yourself the permission that it will take. And then it it happens. It happens as it should.
00:30:03
Speaker
perfect And I think the growth process is also coming up for me in this in this conversation is, especially when we're in relationship over extended periods of time, we're in relationships with we're in relationship with different versions of ourselves and each other. And a lot of times, especially in established relationships, breakdowns happen because the expanded version of them is looking at the historical version of you or vice versa. you know our Our old wounded inner child shows up in our adult relationship.
00:30:42
Speaker
And then we act like that wounded version of ourselves instead of forgiving and supporting those wounded versions of ourselves and each other and moving forward in from from that expanded version of ourselves that it that has shown up also that's able to even reflect that right right like you can't do better till you know better exactly and then when you know better you know better right nobody do better i know first
00:31:17
Speaker
Tariq from Atlanta wrote in and said, I loved Nick's metaphor of addiction being like a patchwork quilt, which by the way, Tariq, I love that
Healing as a Patchwork Quilt
00:31:27
Speaker
too. Holding leaks everywhere, kind of like patching those leaks in the dam.
00:31:32
Speaker
What's the first stitch someone can take to begin repairing themselves? That was so beautiful. Yeah, nicely worded. The stitches, it's perfect because it is stitches in the fact that it's one little step at a time and you can't sew it it all back together in one setting and you might need to find different pieces of patchwork quilts and you know whatever to fill in the holes. So that first stitch,
00:32:04
Speaker
I try and We just talked about forgiveness. That's a big part of it. like ah But the word that keeps wanting to come out is just love, self-love, loving who you are and where you're at right now. Because oftentimes when you are in that patchwork place and everything does fall apart, it's the thing you need the most. it's just ah that connection back to yourself and the universe, knowing that you are worthy of having a full quilt, c quilted life, you know, full of beauty and everything that you need. And so,
00:32:41
Speaker
It's what I go back to even now when I'm going through things. And, you know, what love might look like day to day is different. Sometimes you call a friend. Sometimes you journal. Sometimes you have some cake in movies. you know, and just love looks different depending on the person.
00:32:56
Speaker
But love is what what wants to come out for me.
00:33:01
Speaker
I am, so I'm a manifesting generator. I do a lot of things. I have, I am not great at a whole bunch of things. And there was a time in my life where I took on quilt making. um So I'm, as you were talking and and talking about, you know, love as stitches, I was thinking about um this project I took on. So my stepfather,
00:33:25
Speaker
used to wear these ridiculously loud silk shirts with all of these crazy patterns on them. And um after he died, i while I was in my quilt making phase, I decided I was going to make a quilt for my mother with all of these shirts that we had saved of him.
00:33:46
Speaker
and in typical managen fashion, I didn't take a lesson. I just decided I know how to use the sewing machine and I know what squares look like. So I'm going to make this thing.
00:33:57
Speaker
And I took on, um, also in typical fashion, I didn't decide to make a small quilt. I decided to make a king size quilt for my mom's bed. So, There was a lot of learning in the process for sure. And I think that that really um resonates with the analogy that Nick was using is when you take on a big patchwork project, there will be some unseeming, there will be some redoing, but it is absolutely of all the crafting projects I've made in my life. It is absolutely one of my favorite finished projects.
00:34:35
Speaker
And i I think also what's coming through for me is is the love that we can miss sometimes when we're in the process of the patch working. One of my favorite things ah about that process, which was not a quick one, was that the shirt still sm smelled like him. So as I was cutting the fabric and as I was sewing it, my hands would smell like him while I was making the quilt.
00:35:02
Speaker
And I think there's those moments too, as we're patching things together and we're creating this beautiful finished project of our healing, we also get to enjoy the process and the remembering of the thing that brings us joy.
00:35:19
Speaker
So for me, I think the, you know, that first stitch someone can make is being willing to pull out the box. and revisit the experiences from an orientation that does bring us joy and does feel supportive and beneficial. And again, it it comes back to to that choice. You know, my grandmother,
00:35:47
Speaker
had a quilting circle and, you know, farmer's wife in Alabama in the fifties and sixties, it was out of necessity, right? They, they had small pieces of fabric that they would sew together to create a larger piece of fabric that had a totally different purpose in their lives.
00:36:04
Speaker
But those, those bins of quilts that we have from granny, there's some of the most comfortable and, and, and comforting, tools that we have. I love to cuddle up in one of my grandma's old quilts from some old, you know, dish rags and aprons and like all the things that she used. um And I think that metaphor is just really poignant in the process of strength as well.
00:36:29
Speaker
When we're cold and we can curl up in that beautiful patchwork quilt, we feel better. Yeah, and to your point, each of those stitches along the way, like they're not always perfect. you know Love isn't always the same. And it's part of the beauty of all of it is the the picture that it creates together. And so you know it might be messy at first. It probably will be. But that's okay because you get better as time goes on and applying that love to yourself and giving yourself your overall quilt of
00:37:05
Speaker
i i think I'm thinking it and it now as almost like the fabric of who you are as you go into the world because we really are creating and designing who we are with the stitches of our moments day to day. And so you you get better at it too, the more you apply the love to yourself and the more you show up with love for yourself and others. And then the masterpiece of your quilt is more beautiful as time goes on.
00:37:31
Speaker
Yes, practice is a mastery for sure. And mastery is a practice.
00:37:37
Speaker
Absolutely. That's perfect. The next one's from Brick. Oh, this one's from me.
Sharing Vulnerabilities for Connection
00:37:45
Speaker
So this one says, Alex, you mentioned your cracks are where the light gets in. Can you talk more about how to let people see those cracks without feeling weak or exposed? um I can. You have a friend named Leslie and then, or Emily. I mean, that's partially ah where when I started learning again is practice, but also ah choosing wisely who you share your most important things because those cracks Excuse me. um Those are fragile points. you know My cracks are especially I've had some big moments. And even in the last couple of years, since we've known each other, I've gone through moments. And it's not something that you share, especially the first time in your vulnerability with someone that doesn't deserve it.
00:38:37
Speaker
they They need to have filled their marble jar, so to speak, as Renee talks about and show you that they are going to hold you with the the love and kindness and worthiness and safety that we all deserve. And obviously, you need to be able to give that to yourself as well. but part of giving that to yourself is having the discernment of those people that will give it to you as well. So I know that it's sometimes harder to do it you know for yourself until you also have someone else can do it can do it with you. And so that's the first thing that really comes to mind is because for a long time I did feel alone. And even if I could give it to myself,
00:39:18
Speaker
it almost didn't mean as much until I could share it with others as well. So my biggest thing that I would always tell people is, first of all, it's not weak. It's the biggest thing you can do to be strong is share all of those things and let the light get in. But also when you find those right people,
00:39:38
Speaker
it's the best feeling in the world to show those breaking points and have them give their light to you and then your light combines and it's the my favorite part of our friendship and what i hope that everyone else can experience as well i think for me what comes through when i think about letting letting the cracks be where the light comes through is remembering that when we share ourselves in completely, we also cheat ourselves out of that complete experience of being loved.
00:40:16
Speaker
And so many times, especially in you know this current world we live in, where the edited version of who we are is what we show to the world.
00:40:29
Speaker
We think we're we're showing the pretty versions of ourselves. We think we're showing you know the parts that people wanna see but we're cheating ourselves out of that complete support that unconditional love and you know as we've talked about in past episodes love is unconditional but we can only love the parts of another that they're willing to share and when we can look at it as a expression of our strength an expression of our authentic opportunity to be in true heart-to-heart connection think it becomes easier
00:41:06
Speaker
There's a Japanese practice of art called Kintsuchi, which is about healing the cracks in a piece of you know beautiful art that is broken with gold.
00:41:22
Speaker
And i I think that's such a ah just such a great practice to engage in. that reminds us of the relational experience of we're not broken.
00:41:37
Speaker
We just aren't yet put back together with the gold that ultimately makes us more beautiful,
Embracing Flaws through Kintsugi
00:41:43
Speaker
right? These pieces are more beautiful when they have been put back together with the gold. And i think, you know, to your point, the sharing of it is where the gold is. Yes. If we don't share it, we can't put it back together. And then we are left feeling stuck and broken.
00:42:03
Speaker
And the gold specifically, so many times is the beauty from the mess that you would not get by yourself. Like, the perfect example is this podcast came from that journey, where I was like, I only want to hang out with superheroes. like i Saying that out loud was so scary to me. And I don't even know why now, because the more I share it, the more people like, yes, we're going to be superheroes. And I get it. But I was so afraid to share how lonely I was and how I only wanted to be around other people that took their labels and made them their superpowers. And I i didn't want to be a victim anymore. And how once you're ready and you want to be surrounded by that, you want to help create the world that way. i For some reason, I thought that was...
00:42:49
Speaker
bad. I don't even know why, but it's obviously one of my superpowers. And it really, it started this whole movement. It started boosting our relationship in so many ways. And if I had never shared that, like i I don't even know where we would be as far as a different timeline, of course. But it is my favorite thing now about my life is that thing that I was the most scared to say, the but my most loneliness, It is the gold that is marmling so much of our life right now, and I'm so grateful for it.
00:43:22
Speaker
Me too. All right, let me ask the next question because I think it's for you. Yes, it's ah Naomi from Chicago, Illinois. I really like this question, by the way. It says, Leslie, you said your strength shows up loud.
00:43:35
Speaker
As someone who's been told I'm too intense, how do I stop apologizing for that kind of strength?
Strength as a Gift to Community
00:43:43
Speaker
I think we apologize when we've done something wrong.
00:43:48
Speaker
And showing up in our power can never be wrong. And when we can reorient that, it's no longer a source of needing to correct.
00:44:02
Speaker
I think to your point earlier though, having an aligned community where your strength is seen as something that people want to see also makes the difference.
00:44:15
Speaker
I've definitely been labeled too much and too opinionated and too whatever, insert the blank. And you know you and I were talking actually just earlier before we started recording, someone one telling you that you're too much has nothing to do with you.
00:44:33
Speaker
It has to do with their ability to receive it or their inability to reflect it to themselves. I shared in an earlier episode recently, someone reflected back to me that she saw strength in me.
00:44:51
Speaker
And what I was able to hear now is that also lives inside of her. And maybe not consciously, maybe not you know with a solid awareness, but we can't see in another something that isn't also alive within us.
00:45:06
Speaker
And so I think now i i look at you know showing up with my strength as loud as a gift that I'm not only giving myself, but it's something I'm giving others the opportunity to see within themselves.
00:45:23
Speaker
Brene talks about flame-putter-outers and people who instead will cup your flame even when it's going out. But the flame-putter-outer is when you are bright. Someone else cannot handle your brightness because it's intimidating to them almost, or they're jealous, or whatever it happens to be. And instead of flame-putter-outers, you want people who will cup your flame and keep it bright. Or if it happens to be dim, keep it going again. And I think this is part of that because to you To your point, I have a friend who the first time you met, he said he was intimidating. And that cracks me up so much because that is so a reflection on him and how he moves in the world. And he is intimidated by a lot of things. And that is just a very interesting reflection on him. And it took him a little while to
00:46:09
Speaker
feel secure enough in himself to then warm up and let himself be seen by you. And then he was like, oh, she's so amazing and wonderful and everything. And i was it made me laugh because I knew that that was all about his own stuff. And it took him a minute. But to me, what I hear when people say those type of things is they can't often have their own flame. They don't have people around them that are flame put routers. They've never been able to shine bright enough themselves. And so like you said, community is the people that when you win, they cheer. It's the people that when you show up loud, they want that. hat Like, it's great for for both of us because you're loud and I'm quiet. And regardless, of people need to, they have to listen quietly for me or, you know, and I get to show the way I am. And
00:46:58
Speaker
That is a part of our beauty of our community and the dynamic that we have within the universe. And it's treasured and prized and loved. And that's what it should feel like. And I love that Brene taught us about flame putter outers because of that very thing is a lot. Like you said, the thing that people are saying is almost always a reflection on them.
00:47:20
Speaker
And that's why good or bad, you can you can use that. I have definitely been called intimidating across my life. And before I was able to understand that dynamic you just described so eloquently, i was always confused.
Addressing Perceptions of Intimidation
00:47:36
Speaker
I didn't, I truly did not understand what about me was intimidating because the actual, the more accurate description was they were feeling intimidated and that had nothing to do with me.
00:47:52
Speaker
It was just something that was provoked within them. But I can remember many times, especially as a very outspoken teenager, hearing that and feeling hurt by the feedback because I was so confused Truly coming from a place of love, coming from a place of strength, coming from a place of power.
00:48:15
Speaker
How did it not translate or how did it get mistranslated into this thing that they were labeling me as when it really, you know, now I'm able to see.
00:48:28
Speaker
Yes, you can be intimidating on purpose because you're coming from a place of authority and power and misusing that authority and power for sure. That dynamic exists. But more often than not, when you're coming from a well-intentioned place of love and still receiving that feedback, it is about their wounds feeling provoked.
00:48:51
Speaker
And, you know, i I still hear that feedback sometimes. and i And now I use it as an invitation to engage in a conversation. What about my actions made you feel that way?
00:49:03
Speaker
And is that what I intended? if not, how do we course correct together if we want to stay in relationship that feels supportive? And, you know, those are not always easy conversations. They're kind easy for me to engage in now, but those are always easy conversations for other people to be engaged to have with me.
00:49:23
Speaker
But very rarely does it go south. Usually at the end of that hard conversation that they weren't expecting to have because they thought they were going to say the thing and shut down the dynamic, it turns into an expanded dynamic where we get to be closer and we get to be more intimately connected because we've been willing to have the conversation.
00:49:47
Speaker
you know In the case of my friend, it's something that could be a personal inquiry into their own self. and you know And I think so many times when we're feeling those things or someone else is feeling those things, one of the things that I love that you say is that's not a me problem, that's a them problem. is Because it's true. like Sometimes you have to know when it's yours and when it's someone else's.
00:50:09
Speaker
And for you know if you're on the end feeling like something is intimidating, you can you can take that as feedback. and you know And if someone else is intimidated by you, You can do amazing inquiries like you do. But also if you' you're not in the mood that day, you don't have to. You can know that that's not even about you and you can move on. I think that's a different kind of strength that we hope people can acquire and move into is knowing you know, only you know who you are. And at the end of the day, the right people are going to see who you are, exactly how you want to be seen.
00:50:39
Speaker
A lot of times what I've learned too when we have those conversations is, you know, I've shared in in past episodes as well, truth without tact is cruelty. And I have always been a truth teller, but I have not always been a tactful transmitter of said truth.
00:50:55
Speaker
And so sometimes why that the dynamic of intimidation and intimidated shows up is because I have failed in the tactical transmission. And that doesn't make me wrong, but it's a beautiful opportunity to correct and to take ownership of, again, the impact.
00:51:17
Speaker
not just rely so much on the intention, which again, has has not been a short journey, but I'm here now and I'm so grateful for it for sure. Took lot of forgiveness and learning of your own self. And listening too, listening too, because the truth is the truth, but the impact is also the impact.
00:51:38
Speaker
And if you don't bridge it with compassion and you don't bridge it with awareness and you don't bridge it with love to your point earlier, Sometimes it hurts people. And that i that is so not my intention, certainly at this point, but even younger me, was not intending to be hurtful.
00:51:56
Speaker
But if i did if something I did did result in hurt, it was my responsibility to own it.
00:52:06
Speaker
So Dante from Oakland CA a wrote, Emily talked about trauma survival patterns showing up in the labels we wear. How do you even begin to rewrite a story that's been with you since childhood?
Rewriting Childhood Stories
00:52:23
Speaker
i I loved this question because I get to talk often with folks about the value of understanding personal alignment. And I use the metaphor of the story of the life we're living and awareness is not a magic time machine.
00:52:43
Speaker
It doesn't go back and erase the thing that happened. But what it does is gives us the opportunity to write the next chapter from a very empowered position.
00:52:55
Speaker
and that first chapter or first chapters, they don't go away. you know But you also don't have to flip back and continue to reread them and relive them and recreate them in your lives. They're a very important part of the whole story.
00:53:13
Speaker
But I think a lot of times what I see with people is that we have these experiences, big T traumas, little T traumas, patterns, behaviors, those sorts of things. And we habitually just go back and flip those pages again and again and again. Let's reread it again. Let's re reread it again, rather than write a new chapter there is born out of those experiences.
00:53:42
Speaker
Yes. And as I'm listening to you, was thinking and reflecting about some of my own experiences and chapters and things like that. And one of the things I think that sometimes causes us to redo the patterns and relive in those things is we haven't built a new new chapter, a new life, a new pattern. And what I mean by that often is the things that trigger us, the things you know we are responsible for changing those, but sometimes it feels like it's our family or people we're supposed to be close to, know have to make a living or you know all the ah many many of the things that actually we can change and we can realign to or depending on what what the thing is a lot of those patterns and labels and things you might have to remove whatever it is that is giving you that because if it's not serving you as well you have to also give yourself permission to remove whatever that is. And I so i go back to this a lot because so many times people come to me, and especially, you know, in the trans community and stuff, a lot of times it is our families. That is our biggest people that are not supportive of us. You know, i i have a lot of people who...
00:54:52
Speaker
Their families don't want to use the right pronouns. you know They don't want to use their new names. they don't And it's not personal to choose yourself over them to them. It's only personal to yourself to love yourself and give yourself the things you need. And so a lot of the labels sometimes You might need to remove yourself from ah an entire situation so you can write that story because this is your journey. And to your point earlier, at the end of the day, you're the only person you're going be in every room with. Your relationship with you is the most important thing in all of our lives. and so
00:55:25
Speaker
As I was listening to you say that about labels and writing them and writing your own story, you're also responsible for the people you allow to co-conspire with you in writing your story and close to you and who you let give you those labels and whose late labels you listen to as well.
00:55:43
Speaker
I couldn't say, i couldn't add another thing that would make that better. well That's why we're a good team. You want to share our last question from Sky? Yeah. So Sky from Sedona said, nick Nick mentioned missing a family celebration because he was chasing heroin.
00:56:02
Speaker
How do you face those shame-filled moments without crumbling? That's a very powerful question. think we've all been there in moments. I look at this as, you know, we've all been not the greatest version of ourselves. And it doesn't matter if it's an addiction. It doesn't matter what it But it goes back to what I said earlier.
00:56:26
Speaker
we do often have some shame and because you didn't know better when you were going into
Transforming Shame into Gratitude
00:56:31
Speaker
those things. And Nick especially, I know him well, and he is – one of the most kind, give you the shirt off your back, just loving people. But he also says, you know, he was vain and he didn't know these things. And like, it's been a journey as well. And if you would look at some of the decisions he made and, you know, feel shame around including that one, he was not the best version of himself. He was in the most pain he had ever had in his whole life.
00:56:59
Speaker
And often, if not always, that's where those decisions come from. And so i I know for me, there are stories that I could tell you about, like simple things. And it's always because i didn't know. I didn't know better. And those moments,
00:57:17
Speaker
That was the light bulb. That was the moment that gave me back to myself because I knew I never wanted to do those things again. And that's part of the moment that changed everything for Nick. And so for me, rewriting the shame is thank you for that moment because that's the moment that gave me back to myself and I will never do that again. That's part of it for me at least.
00:57:40
Speaker
think what was what came up for me when I was reading this really powerful question is the distinction between shame and guilt. Shame is about who I am and guilt is about what I did. And neither of those emotions feels good.
00:57:56
Speaker
But when we can look at the version of ourselves that made the choice in the moment that feels shameful or guilt-ridden, that's when the opportunity for the grace shows up.
00:58:10
Speaker
I really was doing the best I could in that moment with the resources I had. yes And it's instead of it being a source of crumbling, it can become a strong foundation, a solid place of ground for us to move forward.
00:58:32
Speaker
And to your point, when we can learn about ourselves and about the impact of the choices that that version of ourselves made and the things that weren't desirable, the things we don't want to do that can't not be a gift.
00:58:48
Speaker
i can When I was reading this question, I was thinking about a time in my life when I made a series of shitty choices right before this really great opportunity. And then i the the opportunity did not manifest in my life. And i was heartbroken. i was devastated. It was something I had waited for months to achieve and and access.
00:59:11
Speaker
And before the opportunity, like as the door opened, it shut. And I was like, shit, right? I made myself really wrong in that. Well, I made actually, I made the other person wrong in the moment. Even upon reflection, was like, oh That actually was because of what I did.
00:59:31
Speaker
So then I made myself wrong. Right. lot of shame and guilt. And then as time passed and reflection occurred, i was like, oh, well, I did. I made the series of choices because that's the best I could do in that moment.
00:59:46
Speaker
I learned from missing the opportunity. And now I know how to do better. Yeah. And what I love about that is the series of, you know, realizations you went through and it was like a leveling up throughout the whole process, because again, that's, you know, that you were going through the process of grok, of understanding more and more levels of the thing. But what you said about All of that was really showing you went from you know like shame to almost like some guilt to you changed your identity several times around it and rewrote the story. And I think that's what really does change shame and the process. you know First, you often feel shame, like I am bad.
01:00:30
Speaker
And then you go to, oh, I might have done a bad thing. And then eventually it becomes, well, I did a thing that was a learning lesson. that served me in the end. And it's kind of ah a series of phases that you go through and you just have to start to transform it. And again, I always go back to, you keep saying this today, Grok is is that the way that we get to it. You see all sides of the equation. You meet it with your intention. You don't get your impact, but then you grow from it. And I think that is the biggest thing that whenever I have shame now,
01:00:59
Speaker
I'm like, what am I going to learn? And the last thing I also wanted to say about shame is sometimes you have shame because someone else made you your actions that you did that in the moment actually served you. They weren't okay with somebody else wasn't okay with them. And there have been several times when I have been shamed by another person. And int until weeks, months, sometimes even years later, i didn't realize how much in my truth I was. So sometimes when you're feeling that as well, maybe look at that and see if it's even actually coming from yourself. Because that's something I really had to learn about that is even maybe someone else thought you made a mistake. But if you're being true to yourself at the end of the day, look at that as well.
01:01:44
Speaker
i love that. This was so, made this was even more fun than I thought it was going to be. I'm very excited to be able to engage with our community this
Future Engagements: Live Q&A Sessions
01:01:52
Speaker
way. Yeah, what I'm excited about, and actually something that we're supposed to mention anyways, is our new so our new ah segment is going to be just like this. It's going to be called Can We Grok? And people are going to be able to ask us questions and tell us what's going on in their life live and be able to get some feedback from us both. and So if you have questions or you want to talk, we have a new form on our website. Go on DontTripYourNewCape.com. fill it out and you can have a live you know conversation with us. We can't wait for those as well. But yeah, this has been really fun.
01:02:24
Speaker
I can't wait to do it in real time with people and really see the beautiful power that comes from someone sharing ah a part of their story where they're tripping on their cape and to be a part of the process of them stepping back into their superpower. So please, if that's something that sparks a little interest in you, like Alex said, head over to the website and let's see if it's a good fit.
01:02:49
Speaker
Yeah, we we can't wait to have those live conversations. And like you said, there's so many things day to day that we are tripping on. And some of these questions were perfect examples of it. And we can't wait to have your stories and the things you're tripping on help other people to step in their superpowers as well, because we're in this together, fam.
01:03:07
Speaker
so Well, thank you again for joining us on this episode. We were wrapping up Strength Month. Next month, we'll have a new theme and we can't wait to see you then. yeah. Thank you. And we'll see you next time. Until then, don't trip on your cape.
01:03:21
Speaker
Bye, everyone.
01:03:26
Speaker
Thanks for joining Alex and Leslie on Don't Trip on Your Cape. I really appreciate you being here and walking this path with If today's episode sparked something in you, if it helps you rock something new about yourself or your journey, show your support by subscribing to the channel, liking episode, and leaving a comment to share your thoughts or takeaways.
01:03:41
Speaker
Your voice helps to grow this community of brave, curious humans learning to wither kitchen confidence. and Until next time, fly high, stay curious, and don't on your cake. Step into your superpower.