Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Episode 9: Strength After Survival
10 Plays4 days ago
In this Strength Month conversation, Leslie and Alex sit down with Emily Cochran Stiff to explore what strength really looks like after survival. Emily shares her journey through childhood trauma and years shaped by addiction in different forms, including time spent in sex work, and how those experiences influenced the way she learned to protect herself. She speaks openly about recovery, the unraveling of labels that once defined her, and the courage it took to choose healing over self destruction. Now deeply engaged in spiritual and integration work, Emily reflects on forgiveness, accountability, and learning to meet herself with compassion. This episode is a powerful reminder that true strength is not about fighting or enduring more, but about choosing softness, rest, and peace as an act of self trust.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Don't Trip On Your Cape'
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Don't Trip On Your Cape, the podcast where Leslie, the founder Align Living and Leadership, and her amazing co-host Alex from Much Love dive into the very things that weigh us down, only to reveal those burdens are actually our greatest strengths.
00:00:12
Speaker
Together, they help listeners recognize that what feels heavy is often just your own unique superpower in disguise. So grab your cape, and let's explore how to wear without stumbling.
00:00:22
Speaker
Hello, and welcome to this episode of Don't Trip On Your Cape. It's episode 10, and we're so glad to have you. I'm Alex. And I'm Leslie. And today we have the honor of interviewing Emily.
Emily's Journey: From Labels to Identity
00:00:33
Speaker
Emily Cochran Stiff is a woman who has rebuilt her life from the inside out. Her story begins in places many people never speak about, shaped by experiences that carved deep marks into her sense of self.
00:00:48
Speaker
For years, she moved through the world with a collection of labels that helped her survive, but never fully allowed her to breathe. Through forgiveness, truth telling, and a fierce commitment to her own healing, Emily stepped out of those old identities and into a life defined by clarity, resilience, and self-trust.
00:01:08
Speaker
Today, she is someone who holds her her shadows with compassion and uses her lived experience to guide others through their own. Her journey is not polished.
00:01:20
Speaker
It is honest. It is brave. It is the ongoing work of reclaiming her voice, choosing her life, and learning to love the parts of herself she once pushed away.
00:01:33
Speaker
Emily joins us first for one of our strength episodes to share a story that reminds us all that healing is possible, change is real, and every one of us contains more courage than we realize. So welcome, Emily. Emily.
00:01:47
Speaker
Thank you guys. excited have you
00:01:52
Speaker
So let's just jump in. Let's start with the origin story
Role in Family Dynamics: Martyrdom and Protection
00:01:56
Speaker
a little bit. When you look back at the earliest version of yourself, who were you trying to be for the world and who were you trying to be for yourself?
00:02:09
Speaker
I definitely played a protector role growing up. um just wanting to protect everybody in my house from volatile emotions or but my verbally and physically abusive father. um so I would get in the middle of things and try to deflect attention from one family member onto me so that I could receive punishment.
00:02:33
Speaker
um And that definitely conditioned me that attention was both good and bad. I liked both and that everything was unsafe and there was no way to protect myself. So I was kind of stepping into that martyr role at a very young age.
00:02:57
Speaker
Wow. That's powerful.
00:03:01
Speaker
So what beliefs shaped the way you navigated love, safety, and survival in your early life? Hmm.
00:03:13
Speaker
It was all conditional and super temperamental. you know When the whole household can switch on a dime just because you spilled a little bit of milk or coughed in the middle of a conversation or even looked a certain way, and unintentionally or intentionally, it made everything feel super fragile, unstable, and conditional. There was no love unless I was excelling,
00:03:45
Speaker
or unless I had just been punished. Those were the only two times I received any physical affection was post-punishment or from being the teacher's pet, the little know-it-all, little bookworm, just spouting out whatever I had just learned.
00:04:02
Speaker
Did that that ah go in your home too? You only got like attention most the For attention at home as well, it was only when you were doing good things or bad things, same thing.
00:04:15
Speaker
Absolutely. you know, children should be seen and not heard. So was only in those moments did I ever receive direct attention. My mother was very busy, too busy, because she was uncomfortable with our home life. So for those of us who are still in the home with our father, it was just keep your nose in a book, do exactly what you were supposed to be told, try to predict everything that could go wrong and do that in advance because one small thing could turn the whole world on a dime.
00:04:48
Speaker
in a matter of moments. That had to be really hard to be around. So before everything started to change, what did strength mean to you and in in your life and your home?
Redefining Strength: Self-Sacrifice to Self-Advocacy
00:05:02
Speaker
Strength for me was self-sacrifice.
00:05:07
Speaker
um I never had examples of people who stepped into their power. i saw a lot of adults around me that we're complacent with things. And I saw that the only time I ever admired anybody was, oh my goodness, look how scary and powerful they are. Like, look how, how that, that fear that got incited in me, I did see there is power and strength in that.
00:05:37
Speaker
And the way I embodied that, I had a lot of anger as a little one, but on top of that is I felt very strong when I would protect others instead of looking after any of my fundamental needs as a young child leading into my teen years.
00:05:54
Speaker
It wasn't until about 13 years old when i I first kind of talked back and retaliated in a way where it was like just...
00:06:06
Speaker
Just follow through with your threat. Just do it. Making direct eye contact nice and bold. And I think that's the first time i ever exerted strength, even though it wasn't coming from a healthy place either in that moment. But that was the first time where I think I fully stepped into, like, no, this is about me. I'm not protecting anyone else, but I will stand up for myself.
00:06:29
Speaker
I think you're sharing parts of your story that so many of us can relate to, right? When we first try on something new, even our power, it can feel messy.
00:06:41
Speaker
So what were the first signs that the life you were living was built on stories that weren't fully yours?
Confronting Addiction and Embracing Healing
00:06:55
Speaker
I mean, the signs were were very young. You know, I, Even as a little child, I was self mutilating, like picking at scabs until they bled, plucking out hair, just a lot of anxiety, reactive things that a little child shouldn't be experiencing. um But it's plain as day as I look at it now, but my personal epiphany
00:07:22
Speaker
probably didn't come around to the early 20s that this was a product of both of my parents' trauma. And then I didn't quite cope with that until my mid-20s when I finally started to take a really hard look at everything that I was doing and stepping out of that label of like, oh, well, if you, that victimhood, if you have experienced what I've experienced, If you went through what I went through, then you would understand why I am the way I am. I mean, look at them.
00:07:51
Speaker
And yeah, it took a ah long, long time for me to completely step out of all of the things. Because I think even that victimhood, it wasn't mine.
00:08:02
Speaker
That was my parents as well. Probably their parents for all I know. Yeah, that actually leads really well into our next question, was which is there's always a moment or a season when the old story stops working.
00:08:17
Speaker
What was that for you? What was that moment when it stopped working?
00:08:28
Speaker
That was
00:08:32
Speaker
I was dying from addiction. had... i
00:08:39
Speaker
I had so many signs that things weren't working in general. I had quit one of my drugs of choice for a couple years before that, but I was still just so miserable. And I'm sitting here self mutilating. I am 90 beverages of alcohol a week while maintaining a full time job.
00:09:03
Speaker
Just wanting to die and not having the courage to go through with it again.
00:09:11
Speaker
you I know you, you're one of my best friends, so I know that when you were in that space, there was a lot that had led you to that as well. You know, the stories that had, what what are some of the things that you were going through during that time before you had that realization so that we can get a little bit more into your life before, because you said you were drinking a lot, and I know there's a lot of other things that you can maybe share with us so we can get some of your wisdom from that time.
00:09:38
Speaker
Oh, yeah. um
00:09:42
Speaker
Turns out cocaine does one heck of a thing to your brain and it takes a very long time for your brain to start fully recovering. And i had gotten off of cocaine when I moved back to Colorado. i was still a stripper slash sex worker.
00:10:00
Speaker
And i i did not want to feel anything. I had put myself into so many unsafe situations. i had been hurt by strangers and by people who loved me.
00:10:12
Speaker
I gave myself no sense of safety. i had chronically re-traumatized myself as a young adult and was thoroughly traumatized as a child. So I had absolutely no coping skills besides blame i had or self-loathing. And I had no idea what to do, but I knew i had to quit cocaine. Otherwise it was going to kill me.
00:10:37
Speaker
So I could, packed everything in my car and I moved out to my home state of Colorado. I left New Jersey and I knew one person here and it was my long distance boyfriend at the time who is my husband.
00:10:49
Speaker
And he was with me for the agoraphobia that comes when you're finally starting to rewire your central nervous system.
00:11:00
Speaker
The chronic fear That sense of unsafety just comes back when you've ignored it for years and it comes back with a vengeance. There was about six to eight months where unless I was taking my dog on a 4 a.m.
00:11:14
Speaker
walk, I couldn't go out in public without my husband next to me. Even to the grocery store, I felt very unsafe. And with that grew more anger from lack of safety because those were the only emotions that I knew how to exude And it got turned to myself, to my partner, to everyone around me. And I just became this bitter existence of
00:11:45
Speaker
of a human being. And I went back to drinking. um When I was using cocaine, I wasn't drinking. And when I felt all those feelings, I just, I thought I could handle alcohol again.
00:11:58
Speaker
I had taken over a year break and I was like, oh, you've earned it And it started destroying me. You know, I was throwing up blood for well over a year ah before I quit. And my father had died from bleeding through his stomach from his alcoholism.
00:12:14
Speaker
So I knew I was dying. And the worst part is, is that when I would drink, my husband would drink as well, not to that extent, but my husband suffers from a kidney disease. And I knew I was also killing him.
00:12:29
Speaker
And I also wanted to die. And just the guilt and the sadness.
00:12:36
Speaker
But part of me knew that it wasn't time yet. I had made attempts on my life before. And I just knew that I needed help. And it
00:12:48
Speaker
was my first wedding anniversary when I got a call that a bed had opened up in rehab. And I had to show up that day. And it was the best time. wedding present I could ever give to my partner because I haven't touched alcohol since that day.
00:13:04
Speaker
But after that, guess what happened all over again? No coping skills, no tools, no ways to navigate. And I'm being told have to go through the 12 steps and with a stranger talk about my sex history, talk about all of the people that I've hurt. And I had no sense of integrity.
00:13:22
Speaker
Absolutely not. um When I was an active of addiction. Absolutely not. And I had to take a really hard look at my life. And with that came so much turmoil.
00:13:37
Speaker
And I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. Because once I was able to look at everything and ask for forgiveness, that's when I truly felt that I had started to heal.
00:13:49
Speaker
So what did you begin to see in yourself at that point that you could no longer ignore?
00:13:58
Speaker
I think it was true strength, resilience. I've made it this far. You know, I understood statistics and although was very hard to to navigate things seemingly on my own, I knew it was worth it.
00:14:16
Speaker
ah Just a part of me knew that it was worth it. But I'll tell you, if I knew what the 12 steps had entailed, I would not have checked into rehab. If I knew all of that work that, you know,
00:14:28
Speaker
I had to do all the reflection I had to do. um and that it wasn't just staying away from alcohol and sitting with a bunch of people a couple of times a week, like that was hard.
00:14:40
Speaker
I can imagine is this leads perfectly to how did trauma and survival patterns show up in the labels you once held for yourself, held tightly for yourself and how do you start to heal from that?
Letting Go of Labels: Embracing True Healing
00:14:53
Speaker
Yeah. Um, the labels. I mean, I was put on medication as early as sixth grade, antidepressants, um mood stabilizers, because of how chaotic my environment around me was.
00:15:09
Speaker
My parents thought that medication instead of adjusting the environment was the right solution for me. And with that came a lot of labels, right? Being told at 13 years old that you're bipolar, um or depressed or anxious,
00:15:27
Speaker
were big. And when I got into the recovery rooms, that label of CPTSD also came with it. And i wore those like jackets. Those were protective barriers, right? I don't have to let people in. I don't have to adjust any of my habits because because this, like there's too much damage done. How do you expect me to not get startled when you round the corner and call my name?
00:15:55
Speaker
I just have PTSD. I don't have to work on feeling safe. I just won't feel safe. I resonated with every layer of every diagnosis that I was given.
00:16:07
Speaker
And it wasn't until think it was my second sponsor. So this is well into recovery.
00:16:16
Speaker
I was asked, who was I without all of that? For the first time in my entire life, who was I without any labels, not just psychiatric diagnoses? And I didn't know.
00:16:34
Speaker
And it's once I stopped saying the words out loud, I have PTSD, I'm anxious, I'm depressed.
00:16:42
Speaker
It started to take some of the power away where I was able to meet myself in the middle and start to get some work done because there are ways to heal. I'd seen other people do it.
00:16:55
Speaker
I just needed to figure out how to do it my way. And those labels were just going to hold me back and be excuses and keep me in the victimhood. I am are two of the most powerful words in the human language because they are a summoning. And so I love that you say that, that I am, you know, whatever you were, I am anxious, I am depressed, I am bipolar. You start to embody those things and it's so hard to get out of that. So yeah, that's so powerful. Thank you for sharing that. It's I am is, and you started to change that I'm sure that's when everything started to change.
00:17:32
Speaker
Sounds like that is a moment when your heart broke open in a way that made change unavoidable. What did it feel like to to name the truth of your life out loud for that first time?
00:17:49
Speaker
It was exhilarating. You know, it's after moments like that where I found myself truly laughing for the first time in sobriety while dealing with the hard things, like that full pure laughter with a friend.
00:18:06
Speaker
I cannot describe how beautiful moments like that were, things that we take for granted now sometimes. But it was absolutely empowering, but it also lit fire ah a fire in me where it's like, there's so many things. You can do all of the things. Let's try to do all the things at once.
00:18:27
Speaker
So in early recovery, it was like waking up at 4 a.m., praying, meditating, listening to Tibetan chanting, cold plunging, shower, stretching, working out, and then getting ready for work.
00:18:41
Speaker
So I had to do all of the things and there was still some imbalance because I hadn't learned balance. It was just all or nothing mentality that got brought into early recovery. Yeah.
00:18:59
Speaker
I think that's something that many people in recovery can relate to is we peel back those, excuse me, we peel back those layers, but then we still don't, we haven't done the integration piece.
Exploring New Healing Modalities
00:19:13
Speaker
So we haven't found that harmony between filling the vacuum that the harm and the trauma created with aligned action. and That's when you start to choose yourself. So when that old identity did start to fall apart, what was that first act that became choosing yourself?
00:19:43
Speaker
So even through the 12-step program, at least for the first year and a half, all these beautiful blessings were falling to my lap, but I was still so angry and I still didn't want to live.
00:19:57
Speaker
I wasn't, it wasn't nearly as extreme as what it was earlier, but I still felt plagued and i I, knew things still needed to change. Like this was not the right ratio for me at the time. And I needed something bigger to push me.
00:20:15
Speaker
And I had spoken to my therapist and she really recommended ketamine therapy. Cause I had talked to her about feeling called to work with something like ayahuasca.
00:20:27
Speaker
the scary thing I knew nothing about. And I had felt a calling, but I was very, very intimidated because my relationship with psychedelics were only from a party sense.
00:20:39
Speaker
And i' I heard about all of the healing that could come from these type of modalities, but I was so afraid about what I was going to find in my own shadow to just sit there and stare at them.
00:20:54
Speaker
And I did it. I signed up for ketamine therapy, And eventually I got a little more comfortable with something like that in a medical setting. I was able to surrender some control. And I finally answered the call to start working again with plant medicine for the sake of my own healing and recovery.
00:21:11
Speaker
And looking at my partner and going, this is scary. There are some medical concerns. there's I'm seeing some scary things on Dr. Google. But we're still going to do it because I know this is one of my only hopes right now.
00:21:27
Speaker
You said something really poignant that I think is worth repeating, that safer isn't necessarily safe. right And there's this continuum of the journey that we get to be on if we choose to be on.
00:21:44
Speaker
So how did forgiveness begin to shape your own healing?
The Role of Forgiveness in Healing
00:21:49
Speaker
right Forgiving others, forgiving the parts of yourself that you used to disown, all of it.
00:21:57
Speaker
yeah yeah Yeah, forgiveness is the hardest thing in the entire world, I believe, besides loss, in my opinion, forgiveness.
00:22:11
Speaker
Being able to look at everyone that I held resentment towards. In the 12-step program, they also make you write what your part was in it.
00:22:24
Speaker
and to take some ownership. And of course there are some certain situations and certain scenarios where I did not need to own anything. But for my biggest hurdles, such as like familial issues or people that I've wronged in the past, like, yeah, I had to learn on how to forgive myself enough to talk to them and reach out and to the hugest slices of humble pie. I'm talking like shaking and crying.
00:22:54
Speaker
My ex, my first husband, my goodness, having to call them after all the damage that i had done and just ask forgiveness. It was easier, it is easier to forgive others and to learn their humanness and see where my expectations were skewed and unrealistic was really important. So I had to look at family, friends, and everyone, and my parents, and see why they did the things that they did. And it really helped me shed some of that anger, but I'm still working on forgiving myself completely to this day, to be honest.
00:23:37
Speaker
It's not that I have shame. It's that I still have so much to get done. I think I still haven't forgiven myself for all of that lost time.
00:23:55
Speaker
I feel that sometimes too, but I know, I know you and there's plenty of time, but yeah the next question we had for you are what tools and practices did help you to be able to start creating stability while you're walking through the rawest parts of all of that healing?
Tools for Stability in Healing
00:24:12
Speaker
So many good things. um Meditation was really important in the beginning. Meditation, prayer,
00:24:25
Speaker
community, whether it was a meetings or when I started to get in plant medicine, just getting on an integration call and talking to like-minded individuals, eating better, taking care of my body, finding exercise that I liked.
00:24:43
Speaker
Changing my music selection was also pretty important. it went from, you know, kind of the the emo, very dark music that I listened to from the early 2000s to devotional music in the background.
00:24:59
Speaker
So taking care of my body, my mind, my spirit. I also, i took pharmaceuticals for a while. Again, in my adulthood, I was able to find something that did help slow down the fight or flight in my brain enough for me to get a footing underneath me.
00:25:12
Speaker
Talk therapy was also critical. I love, uh, Cold plunging therapy was really important for my fight or flight to be able to have a sense of control while my body was in fight mode.
00:25:26
Speaker
Hypnotherapy, obviously very important. Shamanic journey work has been really crucial for my journey as well because I get to go in and check with parts of myself, visit past life versions of me that also brought trauma into this lifetime.
00:25:42
Speaker
There's a million different pieces and it's ever changing. Some days I need more yoga. Some days I just need prayer and a little bit of psilocybin or ah another form of psychedelic healing. Sometimes I just need to do absolutely nothing. And that is the hardest thing for me to do right now.
00:26:02
Speaker
I know. You are not alone. So when did you start to recognize that your own resilience was something real and not just something people were talking about.
Resilience and Community Impact
00:26:16
Speaker
Yeah. Well, when I was getting into the healing spaces and sitting in a bunch of ceremonies and a couple different communities, we were and are, we are very open and honest in these integration circles or in these preparation calls where it's like, what, what brought you here to want to sit with this, you know, uh,
00:26:39
Speaker
plant fungi or amphibian medicine, what brought you here? And everyone would divulge kind of what they've been through and what they're working on spiritually. And people older than me, sometimes even twice my age would look at me and go, there's no way.
00:26:56
Speaker
Like in a joking way, where it's like, there's no way you went through all of that. And you're just here. And I'm like, huh. I think growing up, in my teenage years and, you know, being a stripper and a bartender at such a young age, I just surrounded myself with people who had been through similar traumas.
00:27:14
Speaker
And I met people with similar traumas in the 12 step programs as well. So I thought this was, i knew it wasn't normal, but I had normalized it.
00:27:24
Speaker
So it wasn't until I was surrounding myself with people who were doing the work, but I saw, oh my goodness. Like, I did that and it kind of a against the odds that I am here and that I'm still willing to just run headfirst into anything that I know that will help me dive deeper.
00:27:49
Speaker
That's partially because knowing you well, you you do have a lot of integrity and you started to take that accountability. So what did that first look like when you started to take that accountability back for yourself and the control of your own life, your your own ownership?
00:28:05
Speaker
Yeah. That was difficult. Accountability is hard sometimes, isn't it? a So having to admit when I'm wrong, especially when in the early days of rewiring my brain, especially when I was getting off of the pharmaceuticals, it's just accountability for me. It comes hand in hand with like self acknowledgement. If I'm disassociated and not in my body, then I feel that everything just kind of floods out.
00:28:41
Speaker
All of my parts just wanted to get everything out all at once. And to be able to maintain composure, have a a nine to five. And i was also starting to create things for the spiritual community that involved grounding, some spell work and a lot of intention.
00:29:03
Speaker
And once I realized I had more intention with what I was doing, with the words I was saying, integrity soon followed. That's awesome.
00:29:15
Speaker
So every hero's journey has an integration phase, right? Where we've we've had, the thing has happened. We've made the choices that we're, you know, when we're tripping on our capes, what version of yourself are you integrating now?
Integrating the Past: Embracing Rebelliousness
00:29:31
Speaker
Like the woman who survived and the the woman who's shaping your future?
00:29:40
Speaker
be honest, this morning I did a a shamanic journey work session with a good friend of mine. We're bringing back ah my inner children right now, currently are very happy. i've I've dove into those shadows and I've removed some negative energy and I've loved them and I've worked on listening to them.
00:29:59
Speaker
But now it's my teenager's time. She came forward for the first time this morning and is starting to accept some healing and some work. So I'm integrating that rebel, that really headstrong, you can't tell me what to do type of energy and trying to heal it with love, but still keep that spunkiness, still keep that spiciness.
00:30:23
Speaker
But my goal for her is once I'm able to make her feel safe for the first time in her existence, that I could reroute that spunky, you know, we almost morose energy into something a little more productive for my spiritual betterment.
00:30:41
Speaker
and i love me I love that you shared that. My inner adolescent, I say she's the angsty 15-year-old with the steel-toed combat boots who will not stand for injustice. So listening to you share that you're that you're doing the work even as recently as this morning gives me hope that that my inner 15-year-old can feel that too.
00:31:05
Speaker
I love it because a lot of times that's the time when we do start quote unquote rebelling and stepping into our power and our strength because Your inner teenager, you know Emily, you were going through a lot.
00:31:17
Speaker
And that's you know she was protecting you in some ways through that anger and that angst and all that to help you start stepping into these new parts of yourself. And you know I've talked about this not necessarily on this ah show, but with you guys as well. like My inner teenager, that was when I was getting out of the cult and all of that stuff too. We owe a lot to those people. a lot that got us through and that angst is well earned. It is not it is not there for no reason. It's well earned, especially in their history. So I love that you're healing her, but also that you're being kind to her and that you're giving her what she needs going forward as well. That's so beautiful. It's such an important thing that we can all give back to ourselves.
00:31:55
Speaker
Yeah. I like to think that our inner teenager holds most of our shadows, right, or kind of conjures them. And the darkness and the shadows that they call upon either consciously or unconsciously, they do serve a purpose. I have met with energies that have stuck on me when I was in a very low vibrational state using hard drugs and all of that stuff. And ah When you hear or feel something like that in your bones, there's a huge sense of like fear, right? Like, what is inside of me? And it is doing its best. These parts, these darknesses, they're protecting you. And we don't need them for forever. So there are times where we do need to clear ourselves out to let them go with love back from where they came.
00:32:47
Speaker
but we could only meet other people as deep as we've met ourselves. So knowing these energies, knowing our shadows are super important, I think, in the spiritual community because this work is never done.
00:33:03
Speaker
Not in this lifetime, no matter how hard I try, and I will try again. will be well but we can't run from our shadows either. So this facade that we are all healed because we're helping other people in the community. It's like, no.
00:33:20
Speaker
I absolutely love my shadows and I love being able to check in on them and heal them. And it's okay that it seems never ending some days. How do you hold those parts of yourself of darkness and shadow with love and without shame?
Embracing Shadows as Superpowers
00:33:37
Speaker
I talk about them. I spend time with them in meditation. ah go in with the intention of Something feels misaligned. So I go in and I shut my eyes and I check in with my body and I see where it is.
00:33:54
Speaker
And when I'm able to pinpoint where it is, i need to ask, what is it? And this is IFS work that I've done with a therapist, but it's also shadow work. So I'm able to figure out what it is. i ask if it wants a name.
00:34:09
Speaker
I try to see what shape it is, what form. Most of the time it's human me. It's baby me. Like it could be infantile and it could be up to the teenager who finally decided to come out today.
00:34:22
Speaker
um
00:34:25
Speaker
I talk to them and I just tell them and remind them, especially if I have a flashback of some trauma that I did to myself or that I did to others, I send myself love. I did the absolute best that I could. And so did all of these fractured parts of myself.
00:34:41
Speaker
They did their absolute best. And they are so incredible because without every single one of those moments of shame or guilt that I feel about how I conducted myself from my teen years to my early 20s, I wouldn't be here.
00:34:56
Speaker
I would not be able to help clients integrate to help them dive into their shadows. I would not be able to hold space for people who have been traumatized.
00:35:07
Speaker
I needed all of that. And it was when I realized that these are not These labels are not for me, but these are also not hindrances. These are not character flaws. As long as I'm willing to continue to grow, make amends and learn from them so that they don't repeat themselves, this is my superpower.
00:35:28
Speaker
I can meet people in the fucking depths of hell and hold their hand and just wait for them to be willing to walk. Sorry, I'm getting emotional.
00:35:42
Speaker
it's big. And we celebrate the salt water around here. and like It's just, I hated myself for so long for feeling the way I am. Why, why do my parents do this to me? And when I realized kind of chose this, I definitely chose all of this.
00:36:08
Speaker
but it was also my choice to get out of the stuck cycle and to finally learn and grow from it. So I'm grateful for all the guides and all the inner knowings and all of the wounds that turned into portals of deeper knowledge of just me.
00:36:25
Speaker
Cause I feel like we live in a world where meeting yourself is one of the hardest things to do. I'm so happy we have groups of people like us who are willing to just sit and bear witness to other people doing it and to support everyone who's going through it.
00:36:43
Speaker
You painted such a beautiful image there of the wounds as powerful portals to expansion. I love that. You've shared a lot of how your story equips you to move through your life.
00:36:56
Speaker
How has your story equipped you to guide others who are walking through those similar shadows? Mm-hmm. I have a huge list of what not to do.
00:37:12
Speaker
I think there's a lot of relatability, right? There's people with sexual trauma, with suicidal ideation, with addiction issues, with issues with their families and parents, with people who've been assaulted in all of the ways.
00:37:31
Speaker
And I have been in those shoes, not their exact pair of shoes, but I've worn similar shoes before. And I'm able to be vulnerable with people and let them know that it doesn't have to be permanent.
00:37:42
Speaker
But I also let them know that nothing is a, I thought, I honestly thought that, you know, that one thing will save me. That one thing will just make it click no matter what everyone else in the plant medicine community was telling me, which was the truth that these are just tools.
00:37:59
Speaker
They're gonna help with your neuroplasticity and you're gonna get a lot of guidance, but there's so much work that comes with it. I just wanted a cure-all and when I finally realized this is not a cure-all and it is there's a lot of more homework that comes with working with modalities like this.
00:38:17
Speaker
I have baskets of tools and I help people figure out their ratios I like to explain to my clients that yeah your self-care, spiritual and emotional, is like a recipe and you're gonna need to adjust the ratios and some days you won't have a certain spice in your spice rack and it's, okay, but what else do we have? What can we supplement for this today? Because let's say you're doing a huge yeah chronic yoga practice and something traumatic happens to you and you're like, but I can't get back to you. i can't
00:38:49
Speaker
I just can't bring myself. There's a part of them that has a strong resistance it's like, okay, in the meantime, can you listen to nature sounds and just sit still for five minutes on your phone?
00:39:02
Speaker
Can you try to feel where this is in your body? Like, is this an inner one trying to act out? Like, when's the last time you did something silly and fun? a lot of my clients, when we're doing inner child work, the homework is like, can you watch Scooby-Doo and drink a glass of chocolate milk today? or Make yourself a peanut butter jelly sandwich and cut ah cut the crust off. Make triangles because it tastes better than the squares.
00:39:27
Speaker
You take a bubble bath. i And I'll have clients some pictures like ice cream sundae, being like, I blame you. I wanted of a sundae today and it's like, yes, do it.
00:39:40
Speaker
Because when we are super activated and going through a lot of traumatic things, it's our inner children that we're traumatized first. So i find that if we're not ready to dive deep into exactly what this is, there's ways to meet ourselves halfway in the meantime.
00:39:56
Speaker
And I think that that's really crucial because it's the baby steps. The finding of the ground to be able to really make some moves. Self-care is non-negotiable. It's super important. I've tried to combat it.
00:40:11
Speaker
We fight it. for yeah Practice what we preach. So what does alignment look like for you in your daily life these days?
Daily Alignment and Sovereignty
00:40:20
Speaker
Ah.
00:40:25
Speaker
It varies. And I like that. I'm usually someone who nothing can change, but no, even my alignment changes on the daily basis.
00:40:37
Speaker
It just comes with that sense of sovereignty. So
00:40:43
Speaker
I like to be around very few people. yeah I only like to be around like-minded people who are willing to do the work and be super vulnerable, that lack of filter without being like rude.
00:40:57
Speaker
So I choose my people a lot more wisely. I choose the ways that I expend my energy a lot more wisely. try to take good care of myself. And I focus on love because love is the only reason that we're here.
00:41:12
Speaker
And love for me is the solution for how I can learn how to forgive myself fully. I find that most of the day-to-day issues, not issues, but the day-to-day pop-ups that I have only happen when I'm not thinking from a place of love or gratitude, or when I find that even without knowing i had been triggered and slightly disembodied or disassociating for a little bit. And I just have to do a couple of grounding practices to get back into my body and start observing instead of ah absorbing everything.
00:41:50
Speaker
So that's what alignment looks like. So observing is absorbing. and hadn't heard that. I like that.
00:41:59
Speaker
And ah to your point, that's the practice of alignment. Right, it is an ever changing expression because we are an ever evolving expression of of humanness and not getting stuck in those rigid practices because something worked yesterday, making ourselves wrong if it doesn't have that same benefit today.
00:42:22
Speaker
So let's talk a little bit about the legacy you're leaving in this lifetime. What truth do you want listeners to walk away with today after listening to part of your story?
00:42:40
Speaker
No one's a victim. No one is a victim. Absolutely not. A lot of people have been traumatized. But believe it or not, the universe is conspiring in your favor.
00:42:53
Speaker
You just might not be able to see it in that moment. And healing is not gonna come from two or three big ahas. it's It's in the little stuff. It's in the the daily choices that you make.
00:43:07
Speaker
The rewiring of your brain where you're able to redirect your internal dialogue. These things are completely obtainable and it's gonna look completely different from everybody else.
00:43:22
Speaker
So that's a really pivotal message for me to other parts and past versions of myself. But also i I love the metaphor of lighthouses. I think a lot of us are are starting to light up the darkness where a lot of people are searching for the curals, right? That I got to sit with ayahuasca or huachuma just once or bufo and it's just, oh, everything's going to be better. I'm going to be just all aligned and kundalini and it's No, no, no. Just like with some people, these tools are just lighthouses to guide you to shore.
00:44:01
Speaker
They're not there to be the coast guard to pull you out. They're here to guide us. You have to do the work. And if you're not willing to do the work, there are some people who are willing to sit with you in that darkness, but you are worth every single ounce, every single ounce of work that you put into yourself.
00:44:24
Speaker
i i don't know who I would be without my past. And there are some days that part of me wants to curse everything that brought me into existence. But I'll tell you 90% of the time, i feel like I'm a walking blessing.
00:44:43
Speaker
Like I have a gift to just be the person that I am, to be able to break cycles, to be able to heal generational timelines, to be able to rebuild relationships.
00:44:55
Speaker
both on the spirit side and on the physical plane. Everyone is capable of doing this. I'm not that special. We are all special and we are all capable of this. And I'm not saying i'm not unique.
00:45:08
Speaker
I'm not saying I don't have special powers. But I feel like people look at those of us who have walked through hell as if we belong on a pedestal and It's not that we belong on a pedestal. We're just trying to tell our story because we want you to come with us. Like, come on, I know a way out.
00:45:30
Speaker
Like, there's a couple different ways. You could take whatever path you want out of hell, but like, I know we can get out. Like, I've been there and you can do it too. Absolutely.
00:45:41
Speaker
That is part of your strength and the strength that we all have. So how would you define strength after everything you've lived now in these days? Hmm.
00:45:58
Speaker
For me right now, strength kind of looks a little, wouldn't say self-centered, but instead of that sense of martyrdom, i am learning how to put myself first. And that is so hard. um I have to chronically relearn that through gentle lessons from the universe and from hard lessons from the universe that I am worthy of just softness. I am worthy of just rest.
00:46:29
Speaker
Strength doesn't come through having to fight anymore. For me, the strength and my future development spiritually is going to lie in the calm and in the peace and to be able to be okay with calm and peace instead of just trying to tackle that cosmic to-do list.
00:46:51
Speaker
Peace.
00:46:54
Speaker
So powerful. Mm-hmm. So what chapter do you feel that you're writing next? What intention are you carrying into this next next chapter?
00:47:15
Speaker
feel like I'm on the brink of another awakening. I was just talking to Alex about this last night. Um, So I would like this to be a period of rest because I do think big things are coming for my own personal development.
00:47:33
Speaker
So what would I call this chapter?
00:47:37
Speaker
Let's call it the afterglow. Not the pink cloud, but let's call it the afterglow. I've done so much work in such a short period of time. I'm able to just bask in this for just a little bit before I get back to that to-do list.
00:47:55
Speaker
That's beautiful. i be doctor yeah Can the rest of the book just be Afterglow? Afterglow part one, part two, part three, part four. We'll just keep doing that. That's awesome.
00:48:10
Speaker
So if you could speak to the version of yourself who is drowning in those labels and maybe just drowning in general, what would you tell them?
00:48:24
Speaker
I don't think I would have believed myself if I said like, this is all worth it. um Which is my first instinct. Like it's worth it. I wouldn't have accepted that.
00:48:36
Speaker
How about like, you'll get through this. Like this is survivable. Just back to basics. Like you can survive this. Just know that. And you will.
00:48:48
Speaker
Yeah. You are. ah did. Done. done So what is the legacy that you're building through the way that you live your life today? I'm able to heal timelines.
00:49:07
Speaker
I don't want to get like, I know we are very woo here, but I'm like, hi yeah, ah healing the timelines. i i spend a lot of time across the veil on the other side and being able to visit with ancestors and with family members that aren't on this plane anymore, who are positively impacted by the choices that I am making.
00:49:32
Speaker
I'm also healing relationships with my partner who's been with me since before sobriety. So married a completely different woman than who I am now, and I will forever change.
00:49:43
Speaker
But healing that, I also am healing familial ties. i had a a pretty good stretch of having a ah nice relationship with my mother and healing that. And my little sister is now even living in my home in Golden. So I'm healing across the board in in this lifetime and in past lives and future timelines. It's the positive ripple effect that happens when you're able to own your shit and grow from your shit.
00:50:17
Speaker
is as small as just opening up the door when you're gonna go, for a stranger when you're gonna go use the ATM. And they, in return, do something nice for somebody. And it kind of echoes on and on, let alone the people who see the positive change and it it empowers them consciously or subconsciously to make changes.
00:50:36
Speaker
Or just talking about familial traumas with someone who is also in your home and being able talk about things and grow together and instead of separating because of that trauma.
00:50:51
Speaker
I think it's absolutely a beautiful legacy and it's just getting started. All the people that want help right now, they're going to get it from this beautiful community. And I think this ripple effect is just going to be contagious.
00:51:08
Speaker
You know, we live in a ah time where it's solstice. right Sorry, Equinox. It's going to be, no, winter solstice. It's the darkest night of the year on the 21st. We are surrounded by darkness, but we have just this cosmic light when we lean into it.
00:51:25
Speaker
me just ah We all get to walk each other home. I think that's the legacy that I want everyone to have. Just walk each other home. love that. It's a part of our our what we want here too. And our question we want to ask everybody about it is, what does tripping and not tripping on your cape mean to you?
00:51:44
Speaker
Getting out of my own way. yeah and ah Tripping on my cape for me,
00:51:53
Speaker
i think it's the victimhood that I lived in. I rolled in it. I bathed in it. So all these things that I thought were the worst parts about me, you know the shame that comes with addiction, with stripping, with everything, with just being an ill human.
00:52:15
Speaker
Now that that is my superpower. All of the things that I went through are just another layer of relatability and reassurance that I could give to people and to myself that there are ways to get out of things. You are not stuck. Nothing is permanent and the universe is working for you.
00:52:35
Speaker
You just have to tune in and try to get out of the way.
00:52:41
Speaker
Yeah. Beautiful. love that. That's a perfect definition of it. you So at the end of every ah interview, we like to ask all of our guests the same list of questions that sometimes gives us even more insight than than the more detailed versions of our stories. So the first question is, what is your favorite word?
00:53:09
Speaker
Compassion.
00:53:13
Speaker
Perfect. What is your least favorite word?
00:53:19
Speaker
can't the what turns you on creatively spiritually and emotionally
00:53:32
Speaker
i like philosophical debates spiritual like different theories and perspectives really get my juices flowing as a sagittarius where i'm like and then what uh-huh mean
00:53:47
Speaker
I like learning about everybody's like cultures, ideals, perspectives, because who I am is who I wanna be. And although it's not you know impersonating, it's like, huh, I never thought of it that way. Thank you, that makes more sense.
00:54:03
Speaker
Yeah, we we can learn from each other that way. Perfect. What turns you off? a
00:54:12
Speaker
The idea of being healed. like that Like it's done. it I did all the work. We're fine. Absolutely.
00:54:23
Speaker
What's your favorite curse word? Fuck.
00:54:29
Speaker
It's the best one. What sound or noise do you love?
00:54:38
Speaker
You know when dogs stream when they sleep? And they do the little like, you that. Anytime a day or night, I could be woken up in the middle of the night by that sound and it just, oh, dopamine rush. Either that or cats making the biscuit sounds. Yes, those a plus.
00:54:59
Speaker
and What sound or noise do you hate or not love? Open mouth chewing.
00:55:08
Speaker
agree, yeah. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I always wanted to be a history professor. i don't think I'll attempt it, but that was like exactly who I wanted to be when I grew up.
00:55:25
Speaker
Yeah. What profession would you not like to do?
00:55:33
Speaker
Law enforcement.
00:55:37
Speaker
got Gotcha. Yeah. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
00:55:47
Speaker
You did it. Yay. Like a whole Dora thing though. You know, like, Los Asimos, we did it You want the kid and Dora there and everything.
00:56:03
Speaker
Love it. That's perfect. Well, thank you so much, Emily, for being our first guest, but also for being so Vulnerably courageous to share parts of your story.
00:56:17
Speaker
We all have a shared intention of learning from each other and growing from each other and being able to share your story is one of the best ways that we can do that. So i just, I know Alex and I both have such gratitude for you being willing to do that with us today. So thank you.
00:56:35
Speaker
Thank you guys for having me and for creating a container where he felt very safe. chit-chatting with some good friends. shes We love you. And thank you to everyone else for being here with us today too. Until next time, don't trip on your cape.
00:56:52
Speaker
See you next time.
00:56:57
Speaker
Thanks for joining Alex and Leslie on Don't Trip On Your Cape. I really appreciate you being here and walking this path with If today's episode sparked something in you, if it helps you rock something new about yourself or your journey, show your support by subscribing to the channel, liking episode, and leaving a comment share your thoughts or takeaways.
00:57:12
Speaker
Your voice helps to grow this community of brave, curious humans learning wither kitchen confidence. Until next time, fly high, stay curious, and don't trip on your cake. Step into your superpower.