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Episode 8: The Shape of Strength
10 Plays9 days ago
To open Strength Month, Leslie and Alex begin by reflecting on what strength has meant in their own lives and how that understanding has evolved over time. Together, they explore the difference between surviving and truly living, and how pain, misalignment, and struggle can become teachers rather than definitions.
Moving through nervous system awareness, human design, and lived experience, this conversation reframes strength as discernment, self compassion, and the courage to choose differently, one step at a time. This episode is an invitation to pause, listen inward, and consider that strength may not be what carried you through your hardest moments, but what now allows you to soften, realign, and choose joy.
Explore more and connect with us:
Don’t Trip on Your Cape
https://www.donttriponyourcape.com
Can We Grok?
https://www.donttriponyourcape.com/can-we-grok
Aligned Living & Leadership
https://www.alignedlivingandleadership.com
Mush Love
https://www.mushlove.com
A Human BEing With Love
https://www.ahumanbeingwithlove.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Overview
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Don't Trip On Your Cape, the podcast where Leslie, the founder Align Living and Leadership, and her amazing co-host Alex from Much Love dive into the very things that weigh us down, only to reveal those burdens are actually our greatest strengths.
00:00:12
Speaker
Together, they help listeners recognize that what feels heavy is often just your own unique superpower in disguise. So grab your cape, and let's explore how to wear without stumbling.
00:00:22
Speaker
Hello, and welcome to this episode of Don't Trip On Your Cape. I'm Alex. And I'm Leslie. And today we are super excited because welcome to 2026. It's officially January, and this is going to be our new format starting every month.
00:00:36
Speaker
We are going to have a topic or a theme that we're going to discuss and we're going to go through. So the first week of every episode of every month, that first episode, we're going to talk about our theme. We're going to have a couple of guests over the next couple of weeks. And then the last episode we need your help for.
00:00:50
Speaker
We want to answer your questions, any inquiries you might have. So Please follow along, leave us your messages, comments, questions, and we are excited to head into 2026. And this first month is about strength, so let's get into it.
Childhood Messages and Perceptions of Strength
00:01:05
Speaker
Let's do it. So i when i when we were talking about this topic and I was thinking about strength, i the first thing that came to mind was how do our childhood messages about strength impact us? And what does it mean to really endure? So for you, um what does what does that mean for you? What does strength mean for you?
00:01:29
Speaker
the The definition I have now is different than the definition that was given to me, for sure. And I think that's part of you know our overall arcing message of our theme of everything we do is remembering how you knew before the world told you who to be. And strength is such a core thing that is given to us. For me, I remember one of the messages my dad used to say is pain is weakness leaving the body, which weakness would be the opposite of strength. But you know that goes along with righteousness is pain. Pain is righteousness. So any of those things were weakness and strength was overcoming that. But my personal definition has changed along the the lines as far as strength in and of yourself, strength within what you need to do and things like that. It's a very interesting topic, especially like you said, the messages that are given to us to begin with. were your messages?
00:02:22
Speaker
Well, think a lot of times um in my younger years, I felt like my strength was shut down. And so there was there was conversations a lot about when is it time to be quiet? And for me, as I know you know, i don't i don't always show up in that quiet way. My strength shows up loud. and And it's taken a long time for me to fully embrace that that is an aspect of my strength. I know that...
00:02:54
Speaker
For many of us, it feels safer to be quiet than to be questioned. And i think that's such an unfortunate aspect of so many so so many people's experience of strength um when we're attempting to be responsible and we're you know um exploring our um ah emotional safety.
00:03:20
Speaker
Strength sometimes feels like it creates a conflict. I don't know if you've had that experience, but but for me, that conflict feels loud.
00:03:32
Speaker
And I would love for the collective to understand that that your strength shouldn't feel like a conflict, but for so many of us, it does.
Toxic Patterns vs. Authentic Strength
00:03:44
Speaker
um What did strength look like in your home when, especially for you, when the emotional honesty wasn't really normalized?
00:03:54
Speaker
Perfect question. Perfect. Could not be better because strength in our world was pushing down all the messages, being something other than what was authentic and real and true.
00:04:08
Speaker
And really... It's so difficult to even say out loud, but it was toxic. Like it was building toxic patterns and habits that was strength. It wasn't all of the things that and know you and i bond over and really value these days, like authenticity and vulnerability and having the real things that you think. So for us, it was obviously pain, but like an easy example,
00:04:39
Speaker
for For myself, obviously, we've talked about me being trans from a very young age. I knew, like I knew the first time, and I've told the story a few times, but we can tell it again as far as the first time I ever knew, my I was running around with my brother and we didn't have shirts on. And we were we were young, very young, like probably yes less than five. And my dad called me over and he said, Tiffany, because that was my name, you're a girl and girls wear shirts.
00:05:06
Speaker
And I looked at him and i was like, fucking A, I'm not a girl, and B, on don't to wear a shirt. Like, I knew immediately, but that' that was strength to tell him that, to say that out loud, to know it, and it was shut down immediately, and the strength became not saying it and not knowing it and all of those things.
Family, Religion, and Strength
00:05:27
Speaker
So the toxic pattern that was built, that was called strength, was really the opposite of what I believe it to be in my life these days, and that, mean, we'll definitely lead into this later, but that
00:05:38
Speaker
early message of being strong is being religious and following along with the rules and doing what they tell you really led to my religious prosecution of myself and then from the outside later.
00:05:53
Speaker
I had a little bit of a different experience with that
00:05:58
Speaker
in my childhood. I i was you know what they called a tomboy in the 80s, and I wasn't the frilly girl in the dresses. and I can definitely recall different times in my in my outer experience where that was not supported and not received, but because I had come from this um very warm and supportive family experience where i was I was told that it, I wasn't even really directly told, it just, it wasn't shut down. So for me, a lot of times I think,
00:06:36
Speaker
I can look back and see where the world was trying to shut down and trying to shove me into a box that I just very intrinsically didn't fit into. But because it wasn't even in my languaging listen to that part, it you know, it kind of went over me or around me. And I didn't, I didn't, I didn't have to create space for that to land, um, in those fundamental years.
00:07:06
Speaker
And for that, i am so grateful at this point in my life because there's so, so often, um, the feedback I receive from people is that you have, you have strength, you know, we can, I was in a women's summit a few months ago and we did that exercise where you stand and you maintain eye contact for a full 60 seconds, which doesn't sound like a long time to maintain eye contact, but with a stranger, it can be very confronting. And I've, I've gone through this exercise in different places at different times. And
00:07:37
Speaker
often what comes up for me is this just a flood of emotion. i can remember, I don't know, probably 20 years ago being in a a landmark forum and we went through this exercise and just, I felt the tears come and i I could feel them, you know, streaming down my face, looking into the eyes of this woman who was a complete stranger to me and feeling her strength And then listening to her reflect it back to me as mine um has been a, it's a it's a really poignant um point of reference for me to understand that so often, if not always, and I rarely use always and never, but people's, ah the reflection of ourselves that people reflect back to us is also,
00:08:28
Speaker
something emanating from them, but so that's not usually how people interpret it. you know And now when I hear that what I think is a compliment from someone, what that what that what I hear them say is that they are also strength, even if it's not sitting in that um conscious level. And i I wasn't raised in a religious family. My my mother was raised a Southern Methodist and, you know, there was church every day. They walked up the hill to the church and did all of those things. But she cultivated for me an opportunity to really explore. I can remember being, you know, five or six and we, my mom and stepdad and I went to this Episcopal church and
00:09:16
Speaker
Florida and, you know, they'd put me in Sunday school and we'd do all the fun kid things while they did whatever they did in the big room with the grownups. um But I can remember overhearing her say to someone at sometime, I want Leslie to figure it out herself. I want her to have access and, you know, exposure to all of these different things and let her figure out what's right for her. But how did religion...
00:09:42
Speaker
shape your view of obedience, love, worth, which are those some of those aspects of our resiliency or our strength that we talk about. As I was listening to you, I was thinking specifically what you said about when somebody reflects it back to you, you know they're seeing your strength, but they're also feeling their own. And what I was hearing was also the opposite, was the fact that my dad couldn't give me the strength in that moment to be myself.
00:10:11
Speaker
also probably meant he didn't have that strength to be himself, that you know he was giving me the best he had with what he knew, but what he knew was also to be who the world told him to be.
00:10:23
Speaker
And so the religion really defined everything for us, not just me, obviously, you know we're talking about me, but it really, we talked about it, i think in our very first episode is learning the stories behind other people.
00:10:36
Speaker
My dad his messages from very young were that he was wrong and bad and other and he was always stuffing himself into these boxes so it was everything in all of us all around trying to be strong in this you know other kind of strength so what that we were all giving each other was really unfortunately our toxic weakness in a lot of ways as far as that was what we were told that's what the best we had to give though religion in so many ways i love that your mom said i want you to figure it out yourself i want you to figure out what's real for you because it's personal spirituality is personal and the messages that we get from each other are personal and one of the things i've learned so much about studying different religions and having a lot of people and other other belief systems is that even the people that they you know talk to as far as have their own beliefs like the buddha or things like that most of the time
00:11:35
Speaker
their messages and they said like, you'll hear your own messages, you'll hear own things from the universe. These are just my things. And that's kind of the thing that we worked on, was there is one way and this is the only way and strength is cutting off parts of yourself and conforming to this box.
00:11:54
Speaker
And if you don't fit at all, it's kind of like we were talking about the opposite of strength, but it's just, I cannot stop thinking about what you said about reflecting back to you because it really,
00:12:07
Speaker
thinking of it through that lens, that perception, i can look around, every put myself in any of the situation and look around at no strength around me because if everyone had
Rewriting Narratives of Strength
00:12:19
Speaker
given it up. it was The religion was strong, none of us were.
00:12:25
Speaker
I think there's something really to that. awareness that the energy of strength is also the energy of the absence of strength. Those really aren't distinct
00:12:39
Speaker
frequencies, but we have a tendency to put them in on binary sides of the continuum. And I hope for our listeners that they can really reflect back on on their own first chapters where these foundational core messages ah were given to them right before we were able to rewrite them in a way that truly feels aligned for us and know that we have the power right now, independent of what those stories were about strength to, to create our own expression of that, because it's, it is just such a
00:13:22
Speaker
universal part of who we are as human beings, but it is not a part that many of us feel connected to. And it's going to be, you know, strength is the part of us that once we start to cultivate it and step into, we'll get into the other arcs of our story. But in the, in the beginning, a lot of that foundation, we do build it and, you know, it's not perfect. And so we will, the strength will come in to rebuild it at some point as
Addiction, Religion, and External Validation
00:13:50
Speaker
well. So yeah, looking back at the,
00:13:52
Speaker
foundation that you built originally with all the message around you is strength and then being able to see what to take and we'll get into that. But a lot of what I had was was not a good foundation, not a good foundation.
00:14:03
Speaker
Well, and our our clarity frees us. Which I think sometimes that also gets lost on folks. It's almost like it creates more confusion when we start to so to get these different data points or we start to become aware of the dissonance between what we were told and what we feel or what we know to be true. Yeah.
00:14:26
Speaker
So obviously strength can definitely come in in the disruption phase of our lives. um So you and I have talked about different aspects of addiction through our conversations.
00:14:43
Speaker
I'm wondering for you, what has been your experience of um you know addiction with regard to strength, whether it's through stories or or your own experiences?
00:14:57
Speaker
I'm glad that we started as far as my own story with religion and things because addiction and religion don't seem like they should go together. But in a lot of ways, it's the same habit and the same you're giving up.
00:15:15
Speaker
You have a pain and you need to fill a void in some way to make it better. and And I'm not saying this, obviously, of all religion and spirituality, but a lot of these ones that don't serve you necessarily.
00:15:25
Speaker
So for for me, especially, you know, knowing I wasn't aligned in so many ways in my own self, the addiction really became for me the outside love and me the meeting the measurements. And that is such an addiction that so many of us fall into. And in my case, it was, you know, this toxic cult religion.
00:15:54
Speaker
where I gave up all of my power and all of my strength to become this other train strong person that looked strong spiritually. And if you had asked anyone at that point in my life when I was from about like 14 to 18, they would have pointed me out as exemplary. I had big talks, district conventions, like all big things. And it was I was young. i had done stuff By the time I was 15, my parents had never done, ever.
00:16:23
Speaker
And I don't know if to this day, if they still have it, it was big stuff that I had done, but that outside messages of goodness and that fueled me in a lot of ways to where it gave me something that I thought I was looking for.
00:16:44
Speaker
Unfortunately, I learned later it was only causing more pain. because it wasn't authentic and it wasn't real. But I was so... Addicted is the word we're using now, but it was a a longing. a It was like meeting the next hit of someone telling you you did a good job, that you're enough, that you're whatever, because those messages were never coming from the inside. That was not a thing for me.
00:17:09
Speaker
And so being able to hear, you are worthy, you are good, you did this thing. And having those outside messages was one of the... most pressures and pulls at the same time in my life.
00:17:22
Speaker
That is so hard to explain unless you've been there, but yeah, it it it was, and it's still, I've talked to people that have had this experience and it is such a powerful,
00:17:34
Speaker
know the word for it, but emotion in that way. I think for me, the a distinction, and we were talking about this in one of our therapy sessions recently in my family about the distinction between addiction and abuse and use.
00:17:54
Speaker
So whether it's substances or that ego driven, um, you know, attachment and and need for the outside validation, um part of what comes through for me is it's back to intention.
00:18:10
Speaker
You know, um, my, I've, I've shared my father was an alcoholic and addiction was certainly a ah part of his experience. Maybe it was, you know, genetic. My grandfather certainly wasn't, wasn't alcoholic and addict as well. Um, and, and in my own family of creation, um, there's, there's been addiction and i with gratitude, um, you know, my husband's been almost six years sober and it's ah it's a very different experience to look at the lens of someone you love through their behaviors and in notice, is it is the intention to escape?
00:18:55
Speaker
um Is the pattern, oh well, it's what I saw, so it's what I do, and it's what they'll do, that kind of thing. And you know none of my children are actively struggling with addiction per se, you they're young teenagers, but I see some of those same behaviors that that make me notice.
00:19:18
Speaker
is Is that, to your point, is it an inner love that they're missing or is it outer love that they're craving? And how do we how do we break those patterns? And I think those patterns come back to sometimes consequences, right? If you do the thing and then you do another thing because you did the thing and then the consequence happens, right? Like sometimes that's an external motivator for sure.
00:19:45
Speaker
um But I think on a deeper level, ah the distinction is really where where is that connection with self? I've certainly experimented with a variety of drugs over the years, um but it's never, it hasn't ever felt like ah an addiction.
00:20:07
Speaker
And, you know, when I was talking to my therapist and she was, she was really bringing forth the conversation of what's the distinction between addiction and abuse? Because if you're using substances and abusing substances, absolutely. That's a behavior that could benefit from modification.
00:20:26
Speaker
But if it doesn't have that same rooted tether and needing to escape from the pain, i think when she brought that up, I was like, well, that is a keen distinction. um You know, I,
00:20:42
Speaker
experimented with, like I said, lots of different drugs at different times, but you know, then I decided I was done and I was done. Like i um, I used to be a crazy mad pothead and for a long time, like I, so when I started, when I started smoking pot, um, I was in partnership with one of Colorado's finest pot farmers long before it was legal in, in mainstream.
00:21:04
Speaker
Um, so my access was certainly, wide open. And I can look back and see part of why I smoked so much weed for so long, like mad amounts was truly to escape the pain of my grief. Right. I started smoking very heavily right after my father's death and well in to my thirties through my thirties and forties.
00:21:31
Speaker
And then when I, made the choice to stop. It really like, you know, it was a hard couple of days because withdrawal sucks, but also like it doesn't even occur to me to think about smoking weed anymore.
00:21:43
Speaker
And I can, I think I use that kind of awareness of self is the addiction sometimes is expressed in the behavior, the use, the need to get the validation or to escape the pain.
00:22:01
Speaker
Sometimes it's, more of an internal struggle. And I think we, you know, I can, I can definitely say that I had to, I got to tap into my
Shame, Ownership, and Identity
00:22:12
Speaker
resiliency. I got to tap into my own inner strength to make those choices. But so many people are feeling so deeply disconnected from their own sense of strength that it doesn't feel like a choice and shame is the emotion that really distorts the accountability, right? I justified going into my bathroom and closing the door and smoking bong hits because I didn't want to deal with the frustration of parenting or because I had, you know, a mountain of laundry to do that I didn't want to do. Like I could justify it all kinds of ways and disconnect from my accountability my own self my own self.
00:22:57
Speaker
and my own inability or unwillingness to take ownership for, um really not being the best version of myself.
00:23:08
Speaker
Um, you know, I used to, I, I, I, again, pretty transparent and I would, you know, mentioned that i was a mad pothead in different places in different contexts and people like, oh, you don't ever seem stoned. And I was like, dude, if you have not slept next to me and woke up next to me, you've never not been near me when I'm not high. Like it was bong hits before breakfast. It was bong hits before dinner. And it was many bong hits in between. Like, yeah.
00:23:33
Speaker
But it it didn't it didn't show up in a lot of ways to a lot of people as a problem. And I could use that really easily as a justification for that it's not a problem.
00:23:47
Speaker
um about How about for you? I mean, not only was it not a problem when I was, you know, addicted to that for that that's specific thing that we've talked about or religious thing, but it was what I was kind of identified.
00:24:01
Speaker
My identity was built around and you know, everything that I was given love for. And I think that that's probably true in a lot of cases for a lot of these behaviors that we build that do not serve us.
00:24:13
Speaker
Like, you know, I've been thinking about this and obviously the as you're talking and, know, we brought up my dad and in some of these ways and so much of what he was given too were things that didn't serve him. And I wonder still to this day, if he even knows who he is, because All of the these behaviors and toxic things were the things that we were praised for, the things that we built our identity around. There was no chance to find resiliency and strength without them because they are who you are.
00:24:44
Speaker
And that is a completely different, not just an addiction, but it it is a lifestyle, it is a belonging, it is everything. And it's harder to harder to escape when you don't even know you're doing it to yourself.
00:24:59
Speaker
and For me, I don't know if I had, like, especially in the beginning, I didn't really question it because, you know, it's
Family Crisis and Reevaluation of Strength
00:25:08
Speaker
all I knew. It's everything that was given to us.
00:25:10
Speaker
it It wasn't until it was so clear that it wasn't serving it us that it started to really become a problem. And this is perfect because i didn't even intend to bring up my dad, but the the biggest disruption for me that started to get me out of the addiction was because My dad tried to commit suicide the week after I turned 18.
00:25:32
Speaker
So that can tell you how unhappy he was. He was, I can remember my entire life him saying, I'm just going to kill myself, but we were so used to it. And it was such a part of our identity, that pain and everything. It was just, that was what it was. It was just, we did not take him seriously. Nobody did. i don't even think, I just thought it was insane. He said like, until one day,
00:25:56
Speaker
We were out to dinner, me and my brother and my aunt, and we got a call because my dad had taken so many pills that he was trying to leave. And he had turned off his phone and put himself in a place where he didn't think anyone would find him.
00:26:09
Speaker
And in his drugged up stupor, he called my grandma. And the interesting thing about that was he said to her, like, you never loved me. There were all these things that you did wrong. And I'm just calling to say goodbye. So you know that when I'm gone, you didn't do it right.
00:26:24
Speaker
And my grandma called me. got me on the phone and we ended up finding him. It's so it's a longer story that we have time for. But that disruption in my father's life ended up being a disruption in my brother's life. My brother ended up going into a mental hospital. It ended up being a disruption in our whole family. And it was what eventually led me to being put in solitary confinement conversion therapy where all of these huge, huge things that were not serving us for so long ended up blowing up in our face because they became so painful.
00:26:55
Speaker
that we could not maintain them and we could not keep them going. And so it was, it's very interesting to me to think about the strengths and the identity that we build ourselves around until we can't anymore.
00:27:08
Speaker
You know, for you, it was great. You were like, I'm not going to sm smoke weed anymore and you're good. But for a lot of times these behaviors end up like consequences. As you said, there is a major redirection that has to happen in an awakening moment. And I'm not sure what it would have taken outside of that to make all of that happen in his life and my life and our lives but for me that was the moment everything changed and started to change for me it was because I saw that this strength was not strength for my dad it was a strength for my brother certainly not strength for me I was in so much pain I'm grateful I'm very grateful we all got put in therapy it was mandated by the state and stuff because of the situation everything but the strength started to come when
00:27:54
Speaker
our identity and addiction to this pain started to fall away.
00:28:00
Speaker
I think our shame can absolutely distort the... world we hearing for that part she's being a dick who I think our our shame can absolutely distort our accountability. And you know as i've I've mentioned, certainly to you and in past episodes, for me, when I speak on accountability, it's about ownership.
00:28:22
Speaker
It's not about consequence management, but I think so often control gets disguised as devotion and our devotion to something that is external to ourselves and also misaligned ends up being the thing that we let control our lives. And as I'm listening to this part of your story, I'm thinking about what a gift it was that you were able to disconnect from that devotion to the thing that wasn't serving you and find that inner devotion to self, which ultimately gifted you that inner control of your experience and of your circumstances. Um, a lot of times conditional love gets disguised as righteousness. And I can only imagine inside your experience,
00:29:18
Speaker
Right? Righteousness was certainly something that was talked about a lot and framed in a very narrow and focused way. But it also, you know, as we've talked about in past episodes, love is unconditional.
00:29:34
Speaker
True love is unconditional and universal and and persistent in all places. But when we put the conditions on the experience, um I think that's when we start to realize that our trust in a system that is based on that conditional love is creating harm.
00:29:58
Speaker
Absolutely. It's so powerful to look back these days at those moments, but especially because of all the pain that I know my dad was in at those moments.
00:30:12
Speaker
and him trying to take his power back was really trying not to be here. And that's a sad thing because I know a lot of us in in general have a lot of pain. I mean, and I know that, you know, i know several people that have tried to commit suicide.
00:30:27
Speaker
I mean, and we've talked about Linda who didn't make it, you know, she was in the cult and she took her own life. And it seems for a lot of people to be the answer to where if you're out of your pain, you really don't even know where to go or what to do. So that's why I'm grateful that we're talking about this strength because there was a pivot that happened for me in that moment.
00:30:48
Speaker
There was such a gift that it did end up giving me back to myself. But first it had to show me the foundation we had built was not solid. It wasn't even real. It was, you know, such a mirage in so many ways that, like you said, this righteousness that we were aiming for was just pain.
00:31:10
Speaker
And it was, more than we could handle, literally more than we could handle at that point in our lives, all of us, we could not deal with it. And the strength that it started to give me back to myself, like I said, it ended up putting me in the solitary care environment conversion therapy. But what led up to that was like,
00:31:31
Speaker
it's ah It's a long story, but the short version was my brother started stealing a lot, like a lot, because he could not deal with the pain that he was going through. And my brother was very close to my dad because they worked together at night and they did a lot of stuff. My brother was homeschooled. my brother and dad hung out a lot.
00:31:48
Speaker
And when that happened, he and my dad were were, it was hard for him to see him that way because my brother was one that finding my dad and everything. But more than that, I did not go back home after a lot of this stuff happened because it was too much. I realized how toxic it was. So it was the first time my brother had to be without me and that caused him so much
Personal Power and Self-Worth
00:32:08
Speaker
pain. So he was drinking and stealing and doing all of these things that were really, you know, not good choices in life. And especially not where we were, they were all offenses that could get you excommunicated and and things. So I was covering for him because I knew what he was going through. I knew the pain he was living with that we were living with and everything. And so what happened was,
00:32:29
Speaker
I got called into the the priests, the elders, and asked about all this. And I lied for my brother and I covered for him. And in those meetings, there were several meetings that ended up having to happen. It's a very long story.
00:32:43
Speaker
But what I figured out at the end of the day,
00:32:48
Speaker
the the questions they ask you are very difficult. Like it's so hard. It's it's an examination to the the degree that I can't really even impose upon you. And at the end of it, there's I was in my last meeting, and they were going to be giving me the verdict.
00:33:03
Speaker
And they ended up giving me the verdict that I was going to be you know excommunicated and put this solitary confinement converting to therapy. And my I said to them, I don't care. Those were the first words that came out my mouth. I don't care.
00:33:15
Speaker
Because I had found the strength, finally, to not care what they said. I knew I was going to have to rebuild my life and do the things and all of that. But the first strength I really had, i think, were those three words. And that came out of my mouth. And when I got in the car after that, my parents were with me, my mom said me, why did you say that?
00:33:34
Speaker
And I said, say what? and she said, you said you don't care. And I said, because I don't. I did not care for a single second anymore what those people thought of me because I had seen all the pain my family was in. I had seen, I had done the very best I could with what I had been given me at that point.
00:33:50
Speaker
And my strength finally was, i don't care. because this pain is not worth everything that we are going through. It's just not. And looking back now, I remember being really, really mad at myself for those words coming out of my mouth, especially in front of my parents, because I didn't care. And it gave me away a little bit. But now I look back and go, fuck yeah, they you finally were getting it. that those That was the first time I started to take back that I didn't care what other people said. And I was going to start caring caring about what I thought and what I felt.
00:34:23
Speaker
And so that, I don't even know exactly what got me on that thing, but it is interesting to look back in those moments of the hardest times and where the strength started to come from.
00:34:36
Speaker
It's not loud often, and it is often in the pain where you're going to have start from. And it feels quiet, like you said, but it gets louder over time. but Yeah, looking back at that was interesting experience.
00:34:51
Speaker
The honesty required to name those things, the breaking points, right? The call outs to face the consequences and really put ah put a name to it so that it can be rewritten and recreated is is a perfect expression of strength. And I think so often many of us don't feel the ability to be honest and name the thing that is misaligned, that is that we are giving our power away to.
00:35:27
Speaker
and it's sometimes, you know to as you said, it's a quiet collapse, but then all of a sudden there's this brand new foundation to rebuild ourselves on, but we're walking into this new space with all of these old stories And it's if it it has it often has to be a very conscious, messy effort to acknowledge that the disruption isn't isn't really proof of the failure, but it's a portal, right? It's it's your body and spirit refusing to tolerate the misalignment anymore.
00:36:06
Speaker
engagement Absolutely. I look at it, especially with my dad, you know, everything that started the thing. And then my brother, him stealing, all of these things, we were so misaligned to everything that we were. And those behaviors are often pain speaking out. They're not, it's not like my dad wanted to be bad or my brother wanted to be bad, but they were in so much pain that often these behaviors like addiction and stealing, and, you know, there was other stuff that had happened in our family that is in the longer part of my story, but
00:36:40
Speaker
those are Those are the obvious markers of pain speaking up in your life and saying, I am
Pain, Misalignment, and Growth
00:36:45
Speaker
misaligned. I have stuff going on here that we need to look at. And so whether it be smoking weed, which is you know often benign, or all of these very potentially toxic behaviors that we adopt, like stealing and lying and cheating and all the things that we do to cover the pain, they're they're not things that we're taking on or doing because we want to be bad or because we want to do anything to hurt ourselves.
00:37:08
Speaker
These are just behaviors that we're trying to adopt. And then when we look at them and everything starts to collapse, you can see it really was, like you said, it's the misalignment that all of these things were giant arrows pointing towards in the very first place.
00:37:24
Speaker
I just saw like a big flashing red neon light in my mind's eye. This is the thing. This is the thing. For watchers that are joining us and actually watching this episode, you may notice a bit of a difference for the second half of this episode.
00:37:39
Speaker
That's because we had some recording difficulties and we had to record it in two parts. So if you notice any differences, that's why. Enjoy the rest of the episode. um So that reminds me, that in a human design, we talk about the pain points a lot. And in human design, we identify them you know as your emotional signature, the the anger, the frustration, the bitterness, and the disappointment are are the are the choice points that we identify. And I think a lot of times we get stuck in those cues, right? And they're not meant to be, you know, like we said, indications that you've failed, but they're but they're meant to be a launch point to reorient. And I think when we are, especially when we're talking about strength, to understand that when we're having those painful experiences, when we're experiencing those emotions that come with pain, it's an opportunity for us. And, you know, it it's an invitation to integrate
00:38:36
Speaker
back with those tools that we have. you know And when we're talking about emotional freedom and religious trauma and addiction and choices that create harm in our relationships or with ourselves, I think it's just really important to notice the difference, the difference between discipline and punishment, the difference between surrender and control.
00:39:03
Speaker
Absolutely. It's the perfect way to just explain the difference between, especially even following inside pain and outside pain and inside love and outside love. That strength that you need is to distinguish the difference. And those pain points, like you said, are really what help you distinguish it.
00:39:20
Speaker
It's not really easy. Definitely not, but it's also how we get to that emotional regulation, right? We talk a lot about nervous system regulation and how do we move through life from that regulated place when we're invited into the pain, when we're invited into those moments of realignment and recalibration. And you know you and i certainly talk about discernment a lot, but practicing that discernment in our relationships and in our community and even within our own belief systems, at least for me, is something that helps me tap back into my strength and really take the power back. A lot of times when we're feeling weak or we're feeling
00:40:09
Speaker
frustrated and and angry and disappointed about life. To be able to name that without shame and without guilt is how we can reorient ourselves back into that strength and really embodiment embody
Victim to Victor Mindset Shift
00:40:26
Speaker
it. um You know, the integration for me and I hope for our listeners is to be a reminder that our strength is not necessarily what we've survived.
00:40:36
Speaker
It's how we choose to live in our thriving moments. It's rewriting the story. It's, you know, the reason I'm thinking about this even specifically is I know ah quite a few people in my life right now that come to me for support.
00:40:53
Speaker
And the same kind of theme throughout their lives is they're in dark places. They're going through a lot of stuff. And there's this inner strength that they're trying to cultivate.
00:41:05
Speaker
But it's not always so easy. And especially because they have all of this pain, you don't always know where to start from. And like you said, this is a reorientation or realignment that these things are giving to you. But the integration phase starts to know, you start to know, well, I've been through all of that.
00:41:25
Speaker
Now I can start to use those things to make my life better. And if you've gone through hard things, the strength that you start to cultivate is to do good things and helpful things and joyful things.
00:41:36
Speaker
But as we know, and as we've talked about, In a lot of ways, those are harder. It's more vulnerable to be in joy. So the strength you need to cultivate is to rewrite the story from i have been a victim to look at the victor I have been through all of this and switching the narrative on what your strength is. It's not that I survived. is that now I'm going to conquer new things because I've been through that, now I'm going to joy. And I think that is one of the hardest switches. i know for me, even looking back at my story, it's gradual, it's day by day. And it's kind of the thing that is hardest to explain about strength for me is when it switches from being that victim to becoming a victor, but even not looking at any situation when there, because a lot of situations, there can be difficult things, but even in those,
00:42:25
Speaker
there're What did you say? that The God, there the- The good, the gift, and the God, right? There you go. Exactly. And that's really the strength is being able to see in any situation, well, I have what it's going to take to get through this and to find the God, the gift, and the good, because there is always those things. And there's a thing that's called um and bias, just something about bias where the universe will reflect back what you see, confirmation bias. So same thing, like if you're looking for all the ways that you're weak the problems that you have, you can flip that narrative to, well what are all the things that I have good? What are the things that I've been through and how did I get through it? And that is where the strength starts to switch for me. But it's such a hard switch to flip for, you can't do it for someone else. And even internally, it's hard.
00:43:13
Speaker
And I think that's also part of the legacy of our strength, right? It's it's where we really truly begin to embody the truth that what once felt like it broke us is actually what helps us and others break free, right?
Embracing Challenges and Growth
00:43:30
Speaker
It's it's when we are tripping on our cape is that is the opportunity to remember we have a cape, we have these superpowers and we we can, if we so choose,
00:43:45
Speaker
demonstrate them, flex them, you know, and and model them for others. It's our call to really choose choose our life and choose the life we're creating rather than just drift through it and feel victimized by the circumstances, which is, you know, so often what I hear and my and my business, in my life, you know, just in my relationships is,
00:44:08
Speaker
people feel victimized by the circumstances, which are really so far out of our control that they are confronting us all be right. But the way that we choose to move through those circumstances is inside our circle of control, right? it It does take to your point, it does take courage. It does take vulnerability and it does take some persistence to rewrite those stories that we've inherited. The ones that were given to us, the ones that we,
00:44:37
Speaker
maybe accidentally chose to make our own. But I think even in our families and our culture and you know in our society at large, we are empowered to create that experience as well. And i i know for me, i'm I'm personally passionate about modeling the messy middle because I want others to understand that that's actually where our growth happens. That's actually where we get to reconnect to the strength that is inherently part of who each of us is. Yeah.
00:45:13
Speaker
So much of that messy middle, like you said, is where all the wisdom lies and all of the messages that are there for you. and that's the thing i wish I could say to people when they're in the middle of it is I know how hard it is. Like, if anybody knows pain, it's me. You know, if anybody knows misalignment, it's me.
00:45:33
Speaker
I get that. But it's not now. All of those things are not, again, I'm not a victim. They gave me all of the things that I needed to get to the next place.
00:45:44
Speaker
And it's not something you can show somebody easily, especially not from within their own experience. You can't tell them, here's your lessons. But if you're in that depth, if you're in that messy middle, like I would so, first of all, give yourself a hug, you know give yourself some love and some some grace because it is not easy. And as we've talked about in other episodes, you might have to cry and scream and do all of those things kicking while you're going through it.
00:46:13
Speaker
But know that you are building the solid foundation of all of the things that weren't good for you that you can now move into. and there is no one way to do that. But I so wish that I could give to people that knowing that that is where it starts and you can get out of it just one step in one day at a time.
00:46:32
Speaker
by listening to those inner things, that is where your real strength is coming from is it's telling you, you're already talking to you through pain. And so you can listen to those messages and tell you, figure out what they're really trying to tell you.
00:46:46
Speaker
And I think for me, when I was in that biggest place, the the messiest, messiest part of my, wasn't even in the middle, it was a long time. I didn't feel like ah I could get to those things that I wanted or some of the things that I did feel like were meant for me, I knew I would have to give up other things for.
00:47:05
Speaker
And oof, that was rough to to know. Like, I'm going to have to give up some things. There's an idea and just thought about. ah We talk about Brene Brown all the time. Have you ever heard heard of the idea of the near enemy? Mm-mm, say more.
00:47:20
Speaker
So the the near enemy is, she says, the the near enemy of... um like compassion is pity. She's like, you know the opposite of compassion.
00:47:31
Speaker
You understand if somebody is not compassionate, it's easy, but pity is harder because it's like, bless you. Like that Southern, oh, bless your heart. You know, at first you kind of feel like satiated by it, but that is what I have found in our own lives is kind of what we do with ourselves. We settle for like the near enemy for what we're looking for. So if you want compassion, we often settle for pity. If you want alignment, you settle for something close enough to
Incremental Progress and Personal Agency
00:48:00
Speaker
it.
00:48:00
Speaker
And so what we have in our lives often are those near enemies that we feel like we're going to give up to get what we really want. And we've talked about alignment, even a teeny tiny little bit off, you go so far in the wrong direction.
00:48:15
Speaker
And so the near enemy is a really interesting thing that Brene Brown teaches about, because those are the things I think set us back from that true integration is having to give up some of these near things to what we feel like from what we really want.
00:48:30
Speaker
And I think you said something really but that struck me about the importance of self-compassion and giving ourselves grace when we do choose that misaligned but less misaligned choice and then really understanding it's still not it's still not it.
00:48:51
Speaker
It's still not the best expression of myself. It's still not the best choice that serves my highest good or the highest good of the collective and how beautiful it is to mess it all up a little bit less. That's, you know, for me, that's been part of my own journey with really being able to step into my own power is,
00:49:15
Speaker
to know even 1% better. It's not 100%. I'm not doing it exactly the way that I meant to do it that would serve my highest good, but I'm doing it better than I did before.
00:49:26
Speaker
And I'm learning from those things that felt disempowering and felt painful and really letting that part of the process also be a really important part of the legacy of my strength.
00:49:41
Speaker
Absolutely. it is incremental. You cannot, there is we both talk about Esther from Abraham Hicks sometimes, and she likes to say you can't get from Texas to California without going through like New Mexico. like You can try, it's not a thing, but if you get to New Mexico and go, well, I'm not to California yet, too bad, I'm just going to turn around. You're going always keep doing that. You have to go through the New Mexico of your life, whatever that looks like, to get to California. No offense to New Mexico, I know great people there, I love it. figuratively in this part there it might be a long stretch so to speak that you feel like you are not at your destination because progress is incremental and sometimes when you look around it doesn't exactly reflect the inner work that you're doing quite yet but the universe will catch up to you and your life will catch up to you if you keep doing the incremental day-by-day things
00:50:37
Speaker
One of my teachers talks about struggle as part of our human growth process, but suffering is a choice based on the meaning that we put on that struggle.
00:50:48
Speaker
And I think it's it's just a such a powerful reminder for me that when I'm struggling, I don't have to suffer. And if I'm feeling like I am suffering, that's it at this point, that's my cue to put a new meaning on the struggle.
00:51:06
Speaker
and reorient or reintegrate those those tools that I have that do let me show up with my strength and do let me feel strong so that I can put that meaning on that part of the journey.
00:51:21
Speaker
you know um i love that idea of the New Mexico of your life, like ah of the the New Mexico of your journey. I think there's so many, you know and as someone who loves a good road trip, like if you turn around but in the middle, you might miss a really great ah attraction just on the other side.
00:51:37
Speaker
normal and the tools you were talking about, like when you're in that messy middle or when you're in the struggle, but it's not necessarily, you know, quite
Aligning with Strength and Identity
00:51:48
Speaker
so bad. What are some of your tools you use? I can talk to them about some of mine too, but you helped me out of time. Certainly, love to look at the energetics of a situation. And, you know, we talk about human design and people's unique body graphs, but circumstances and experiences have an energetic blueprint as well.
00:52:09
Speaker
And I think when we can kind of pan out from from the details of the hurt and the pain, and look at the larger picture of the energetic dynamic of a circumstance, for me that makes it easier to realign and easier to reorient. And I, you know, to your point earlier,
00:52:31
Speaker
confirmation bias is a real thing. So when I'm looking for the things that are all messed up, I'm going to see them. um I am blessed to be hardwired to walk into a room where 99 things are wrong right and and see the 99 things. But I know many people who can walk into a room where 99 things are right and one thing isn't, and that's the only place they can focus.
00:52:55
Speaker
And that feels disempowering and that only amplifies the misalignment. So, you know, i I have lots of tools and education and all of those things in my toolbox, but the one ah one thing that is the overarching support for me is to remember that energy is not good or bad.
00:53:18
Speaker
ah dynamic in a relationship is really not good or bad. It's a dynamic. It's a combination of energies. And I possess the ability to reorient myself to the dynamic in a way that makes it easier for me to put a meaning on it that does serve me and does remind me of my strength.
00:53:37
Speaker
How about for you? i i I find this so funny how we work because we work so both sides of every problem because I naturally go inside. i don't go look at the the bigger energetics of the situation because I am so grounded in myself. I think we talked about the identity center. I have a fixed identity.
00:53:59
Speaker
And so what matters to me very much is who I am in every situation and how things are affecting me. the vibrations I'm picking up from other people. And I also work a little different as far as, you know, we know all language, a words are only like a very small part of language and I don't really work so much on words all the time.
00:54:18
Speaker
So I try and ground into yes the energetics of the situation, but how they're coming into my body, how I'm feeling the messages that I'm receiving inside and outside and really try and, uh,
00:54:32
Speaker
get into peace like i try and get back to that that very energetic place of love before i go anywhere else and then try and filter it from there which i find is both sides of the spectrum are exactly we're doing the same thing from different ways as far as you use your systems and i use my internal going outside and to figure out energetically where we are because it really does We can only control ourselves.
00:54:58
Speaker
We can't control anybody else. And so when you're looking at the energetics from the outside, you're doing it with the focus on what you can do. And I'm doing the same thing. And I think that's such what strength really is because you cannot do anything about to your point in a different episode about can't even control your own kids, right? You cannot control another adult. It's not a thing. We cannot control humans. That is a good thing. That is the spice of life. And so what the thing that you want to focus on is your own strength in the situation.
00:55:25
Speaker
One of my favorite sayings from Neil Donald Walsh is the only reason to do anything is a statement of who who you are. And i've I've put in that statement of who the fuck you are because that's how I feel about And so that's my grounding tool that i always get back to is who the fuck do I want to be right now?
00:55:41
Speaker
Because I have choices. I'm strong in exactly one of them. I love that. So I think it would be helpful to just say out loud that strength isn't something that's earned by suffering.
00:55:55
Speaker
Strength is really something that grows through conscious choice, right? It goes, it grows through reclaimed power. Our power doesn't go away, but when we release it or when we are not remembering to take ownership and claim it, um, we can feel that absence.
00:56:13
Speaker
We can feel that gap and it's really a permission to step into the life that you're here to live. With joy.
00:56:26
Speaker
It's our birthright. We talk about that a lot. And I always want to bring it back to that because so much of what people think is there is suffering or martyrdom it needs to be a part of their path. And it just doesn't. It's not what we're here for. And like you said, even when we go through difficulties, we don't have to have suffering.
00:56:47
Speaker
And so having that is a strength that I hope we can help people to cultivate within themselves and know that they deserve it.
Community Dialogue and Closing Remarks
00:56:57
Speaker
And I also want to remind our our listeners that if something has come up for you, we would love to hear about it. We would love for you to share insights and wisdom, your own experiences, because Alex and i are really looking to make this a community conversation. And we are looking forward to those comments and feedback so that we can integrate that conversation in a real life way that makes it helpful and actionable for our listeners. So If you've if you've got something that you're called to share, please do. we can You can share it in the comments. You can share it in our email. You can grab you know catch hold of us on our website at DontTripOnYourCape.com. But we really want to hear from you. We really want this to become something that feels like a conversation with you.
00:57:45
Speaker
We know a lot of you are going through stuff out there. Let us be a part of it because you don't have to be alone. we're Like i always say, Avengers Ascendant up in here and you're a superhero too. So thank you for letting us be a part of your lives too.
00:57:59
Speaker
So much gratitude. And until next time. Don't trip on your cape. I'm Alex. And I'm Leslie. See you then.
00:58:11
Speaker
Thanks for joining Alex and Leslie on Don't Trip On Your Cape. I really appreciate you being here and walking this path with If today's episode sparks something in you, if it helps you rock something new about yourself or your journey, show your support by subscribing to the channel, liking episode, and leaving a comment to share your thoughts or takeaways.
00:58:26
Speaker
Your voice helps to grow this community of brave, curious humans learning wither kitchen confidence. and Until next time, fly high, stay curious, and don't on your cake. Step into your superpower.