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Episode 19: Opening Up: From Performance to Truth
144 Plays1 month ago
This month’s wrap-up felt different… in the best way.
What started as a reflection on our Opening Up theme turned into something deeper. Not just about vulnerability, but about the difference between talking and actually being seen.
We explore questions that really hit:
- How do you know if you’re opening up… or just filling space with words?
- When does protection turn into armor that limits you?
- What does it actually look like to be honest instead of performing?
- And how do you navigate the tension between wanting to be seen… and still needing to feel safe?
This conversation moves through identity, boundaries, caregiving, hypervigilance, and the patterns we repeat even when we “know better.” It also dives into powerful reflections from our guests this month, including Lyric and Dr. Lita, exploring themes like resilience, fear, purpose, and what real safety actually means.
Some of it is soft. Some of it is confronting. Some of it might feel very familiar.
And maybe that’s the point.
Because opening up isn’t always a big, dramatic moment. Sometimes it’s quiet. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s just noticing where you’ve been performing… and choosing something more honest.
If you’ve been feeling the pull to show more of yourself lately, or questioning what’s real vs what’s practiced…
This one is a conversation worth staying with.
🔗 Links
Visit our website https://donttriponyourcape.com
Can We Grok? https://donttriponyourcape.com/can-we-grok
Aligned Living & Leadership (Leslie Arboleda) https://alignedlivingandleadership.com
Mush Love 🍄 https://mushlovellc.com
A Human Being With Love (Alex Embry) https://ahumanbeingwithlove.com
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Transcript
Podcast Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Don't Trip On Your Cape, the podcast where Leslie, the founder Align Living and Leadership, and her amazing co-host Alex from Much Love dive into the very things that weigh us down, only to reveal those burdens are actually our greatest strengths.
00:00:12
Speaker
Together, they help listeners recognize that what feels heavy is often just your own unique superpower in disguise. So grab your cape, and let's explore how to wear without stumbling.
00:00:22
Speaker
Hello, everybody, and welcome to this episode of Don't Trip On Your Cape. We're going to be doing the March wrap-up today. I'm Alex. And I'm Leslie. And we are so overwhelmed with how many amazing questions came in this month. We just said we had such great episodes with such great content from our guests. And um we really appreciate that people are picking up what we're putting down.
00:00:46
Speaker
Yes, it's hard to pick questions this week. Really hard.
Authenticity in Communication
00:00:52
Speaker
don't we just get into it and start with Tanya from Phoenix, Arizona. She said in the opening up episode, we talked about March as a season of loosening the armor and letting yourself be seen.
00:01:05
Speaker
How can someone tell when they're actually open up opening up versus just talking more? thought that was a really great question because I think sometimes we have a tendency to just fill the space with words.
00:01:17
Speaker
And we feel like we're sharing rather than really understanding that the source of that connection comes from inside. And in order for us to open up, we really have to go in first. So to me, to me, that really resonated. ah You know, I have lots of words and I do fill fill the space with words, but I work really diligently, especially at this point in my life to do it from a place of, you know, that courageous vulnerability that we talk about and and really hoping that what I'm sharing, and I'm sharing from a place of openness. How about for you?
00:01:53
Speaker
Yeah, I thought it was a good question, too, because Talking, sometimes there's people that talk a lot, but it's very surface as well. It's not even about anything. Talking can, I mean, like, you know, how's the weather and all of that. It's not really about themselves. It's not really opening up. So for me, it was sometimes part of it, like you said, is going inside and sharing the stuff.
00:02:17
Speaker
and bringing that out. So it it for me, it's the content also of what you're talking about and allowing your inside to come out in safe places and with the right people and all of that, of course. But I think it's about the authenticity in the speaking is really what do I think makes the difference for me.
00:02:37
Speaker
Absolutely. So Eric from Colorado Springs wrote in and asked, in the opening episode, you framed opening up as choosing honesty over performance. What are some signs that a person is performing instead of being honest? And I thought that really related to Tanya's question, because again, i think a lot of times our conditioning shows up in that performance. We are saying what we think other people need to hear, or we're saying what we've said before without really
00:03:08
Speaker
Having that moment moment of honest introspection and inner inquiry and really choosing to share from that place, that source.
00:03:19
Speaker
Right. It's the same thing for as far as like authenticity. I was thinking the same thing that you said about almost wondering what other people want you to say or what they want to hear.
00:03:30
Speaker
Because how many times, especially in relationships or new friendships and things, when people will say a thing and people are like, oh yeah, me too, because you want to fit in instead of trying to go against the grain or whatever. And then those are the moments when you slowly lose yourself in those things. It's those those tiny moments. And so I think that really is performance is giving yourself away slowly in those moments where you know you feel differently, but you're so you're doing it because of outside sort of thing. And it's either to fit in or anything like that. And it's hard. I mean, it's hard to stand out, you know, that to be the one that's different sometimes. But that is also when you really are giving yourself back to yourself, I think is the difference.
00:04:15
Speaker
I think something that came up for me too is we've talked about that difference between being nice and being kind. And that definitely shows up in that performance piece as well, because sometimes we are being nice, right? We're we're saying the thing that we think the other person needs to hear, or we're saying the thing that feels limiting, but safe rather than truly expressing our kindness, which for me at least is from that place of honest openness.
00:04:45
Speaker
There's a saying, kindness is clarity. And that's like very true, especially it it came from the neurodivergent community because often they miss like social cues and things like that. And so it's easy for them to hear what you say and take it exactly like surface level. and The clarity that you can give them, what they really want is like this blunt honesty. And I always thought that was really interesting because that's that is vulnerable. It's very vulnerable, but they make space for it because that's really what
00:05:17
Speaker
they feel is the kindest thing. So that's a really good point. The next question was from Melissa from St. Louis, Missouri.
Living Unarmored
00:05:26
Speaker
She said, you both keep coming back to the idea that armor can look useful for a time.
00:05:32
Speaker
How do you know when something that once protected you is now limiting you? Such a good question. Yes, such a good question. And it really, again, comes back to that inner source. I think our, you know, as we mentioned in in many episodes, that armor does serve a purpose and it does protect us. And our human brain's number one priority is to keep us safe.
00:05:57
Speaker
when we can engage with the mind piece and really know how do we reorient to safety in order to be our authentic selves is, you know, that really key piece.
00:06:10
Speaker
Yeah. And I was thinking too, like, isn't the goal to be unarmored eventually for all of us, or at least have some places we can be. I mean, that's really the goal. And I think,
00:06:22
Speaker
that is where i would start is like am i armored and why is this protecting me what is it protecting me from because if you have something you need to be protected from in your life on a regular basis that's what you need to also look at because really armor if it's protecting you we don't really want to have to live a life we need to be protected from to be honest with you i want a life that i don't have to be armored up there's not things being thrown at me would i have to use my armor to dodge or protect myself from.
00:06:51
Speaker
So that's where I would also start is saying, like, if you feel you need armor, you're protecting yourself from something. And armor is always going to be limiting in your range of motion and, you know, showing yourself to who to other people.
00:07:05
Speaker
And so for me, it would be looking like, why do I feel I need to be protected? Is this real? Is it you know, so outside things that are affecting me? Do I need to make some changes in my life so I don't have to wear armor all the time? And so I think it really comes down to the fact that we shouldn't have to wear armor. we We should feel safe enough to, especially in our homes and our friendships and our lives that we are building to not have to wear it.
00:07:31
Speaker
And so it's always limiting. It's always limiting is my, would be my real answer. i think another thing that's coming up for me too, with a lot of my clients, I invite them to ask themselves the question, is it real?
00:07:45
Speaker
because I think our armor is very past focused. And so our sense of safety can be a historical point of reference that maybe isn't actually applicable in this present moment. And so asking ourselves when we're having that that question of, to to your point, what am I feeling like I need to protect myself from? i think a great follow-up question and is,
00:08:14
Speaker
And is that real now?
00:08:19
Speaker
Absolutely. ah Jordan from Portland, Oregon wrote in and said in the opening episode, the theme felt gentle, not dramatic, which I just really appreciated that feedback. Does opening up always have to be some huge emotional breakthrough or can it be quieter than that? And the short answer is absolutely. i i think even more often than not,
00:08:44
Speaker
It is quieter, it is gentle. And when it feels explosive, when it feels like it's a ah breakthrough, That might also be an accurate you know description of of the opening up. But um you and I have talked about expansion and in some of our private conversations. And we've we've shared that expansion is ultimately the goal. That's where we're all kind of heading, that growth. But expansion too fast is an explosion. And we're not really looking to blow shit up.
00:09:17
Speaker
But sometimes it can feel that way when we're in that breakthrough moment. Yeah. I i thought it was such a good question too, because the way it made me think of it is the way the universe talks to us is always in whispers first. It's not dramatic. It only needs to get dramatic when you don't catch it in the whisper. And then it'll you know yell at you and throw a prick at your head and have explosions in your life. And I also think sometimes opening up can become that explosion because you've been holding it in so long.
00:09:49
Speaker
And so like for a good example, especially in the trans community, like once you find your voice, sometimes you get a little bit more angry or outspoken about it eventually because anger is actually a higher vibration than depression.
00:10:03
Speaker
You know, it it is, there's a reason for it. It's there to tell you things about yourself. And so often the opening up is like a cork coming off a bottle and you shouldn't also you know, be hard on yourself for that because that does happen sometimes where you might go the other way a little bit and then have to come back to center. But I've i've found that when you're holding it in so long, that does happen where sometimes the expansion is a little too far and you'll rein it back in. But the goal, like I said, would be to catch those openings in the whisper, just like with the universe, that collaboration you have. So you don't have to have the explosion because you've held it in so long
00:10:43
Speaker
Because your emotions and everything we go through, when you bring them in and you hold them in, the body you know keeps the score. That's a book. It's something that we all know about. And it will come out one way or the other. So the longer you hold it in, that is when those explosions happen. But the whisper is when the growth happens quietly, is I feel.
00:11:03
Speaker
As you were talking, I was just having an image of my bartending days and thinking about the difference between uncorking a fine bottle of wine and uncorking a bottle of champagne. a lot of times, you know you uncork the champagne and it flies across the room and breaks the chandelier. But there is a graceful and skilled way to open a bottle of champagne that is equally quiet and smooth. is uncorking a bottle of wine, but it requires some skills, some practice, right? You got to break a couple of chandeliers before you know how to do that. I i think our growth and expansion is kind of the same thing. yeah Which is why, like I said, don't feel bad if you break a chandelier every once in a while, because that is growth. You might have to repair the damage. That is part of also, like we always say, intention does not negate impact. So it is what it is. But on the other hand, growth,
00:11:55
Speaker
There is room for mistakes. There is room for all of that as well. So I think it's a cognitive, it's a good thing to be cognitive as far as don't be hard on yourself if you go a little too fast every once in a while.
00:12:06
Speaker
Absolutely. All right. The next question is from Naomi from Raleigh, North Carolina. She said, you introduced this month as a season of being seen. What it do when a part of you wants to be seen and another part of you still wants to hide?
Visibility and Safety
00:12:24
Speaker
so dynamic in our human condition. We are we are so many parts, right? There's ah there's a ah science of parts integration. And I think the integration's kind of, again, the end goal, it's what we're looking for.
00:12:41
Speaker
But it's also a real experience where this part of me wants to be seen here conditionally. And this other part of me, that same part of me wants to not be seen And I, for me, I think it comes back to that safety and really understanding what is the source of the safety? Is it is it an inner grounded experience where you are safe to be you in all places? Or is it a real circumstance where that part of you will not be supported potentially, or at least that part of you thinks it won't be supported potentially?
00:13:16
Speaker
made me think of right now, going to getting my passport and, you know, ah My ID in Colorado, you can have the gender as X and that's, you know, i'm non-binary, that's who I am.
00:13:29
Speaker
And on the our national passports, I'm going to be able to have that. I'm going to have technically at this point in time, go back to my birth gender, which is very triggering in a way, as far as I don't want to hide parts of myself.
00:13:45
Speaker
But on the other hand, right now we're working within a society that that is safety as well. So it goes back to your point of, I think hiding is only ever about safety, really.
00:13:59
Speaker
i don't think anybody in a vacuum, nobody wants to hide. There's no reason to, there's nothing to hide from. So the only reason there is reason to kind of hide these parts of our id identity is for our own safety or because we are trying to go along, we're gonna be trying to move the universe forward, but they're not caught up yet.
00:14:18
Speaker
And so you can't move the whole universe forward one person at a time quite yet. So at some points, I feel like the universe or you know, our kind of society forces us to hide. And so I think there's also the conundrum of when you don't want to hide, there's reasons for that too. And you might be in a society or a part in your life that you're going be forced to. And I think that that is also this interesting conundrum of protection that is hard to deal with in our society. I kind of looked at the
00:14:50
Speaker
the question from both sides, but i thought that was interesting. It is, and I think especially with the example you just shared, we are transforming the system, the collective, and that might look like a little bit of an energetic cha-cha in some ways, like one step forward and one step back.
00:15:10
Speaker
But if you are stepping on the dance floor with full awareness of the choreography of the cha-cha, it's not really one step forward and one step back, it's the dance and it's the required choreography for this particular juncture, whatever that looks like. And I know you and I have plans to travel the globe and share these messages and connect with our community at large. And so I think also there's this really important piece of giving yourself permission to operate authentically, given the constraints of the system in which you're operating. And the paperwork is the paperwork. If can hide on the paperwork and be visible and, you know, everywhere else and be seen. And that is how we change it is by talking about the things, even when it's scary, even when you feel Like you need might need protection in some way or another. you talk about it and then we can move it forward because we can't change what we don't shine the light on. And that's just the truth of where we're at right now.
Caregiving and Identity
00:16:12
Speaker
Brianna from Denver wrote in and said in Lyric's episode, he talked about being the strong one and the caretaker from a young age. How does someone begin to untangle their identity from always being the one who holds everything together?
00:16:29
Speaker
Lyric talked about that so powerfully in sharing his story. And I related to so many pieces of that, especially as caregivers. I think there's there's this interesting challenge that comes with taking care of everyone and then sacrificing our place inside that set of being part of everyone. And it really is, it's an unlearning, right? Especially if these are,
00:17:01
Speaker
Archetypal expressions that we developed as young people in our developmental years, it really does take practice and it really does take an intentional way of being and reorienting to understanding that caregiving in and of itself, the essence is awesome, right? We all want to be taken care of. We all want to feel like we're capable of taking care of others, but really choosing to reprioritize ourselves inside that community is key. And it's not personal.
00:17:41
Speaker
It doesn't have to, yeah and I know a lot of people feel that way. You know, if you, if someone asks you for something and you say no they're likely to take that personal if they're not already in the conversation in a collaborative way, but it's really not personal.
00:17:58
Speaker
if you can't take care of yourself, you cannot possibly be the best caregiver for anyone. it makes me think too about the concept of codependency because as a good parent and as a good care caretaker, like I did caregiving for a while for an autistic kid.
00:18:16
Speaker
And your your goal is really to enable them to take care of themselves. It's really not about making them depend on you. It's about helping them to facilitate their own life and their own growth.
00:18:28
Speaker
And the best example of that is doing it for yourself as a parent and as a caretaker. But a lot of times we, as a society, the message has been codependency.
00:18:39
Speaker
It has been I mean, I'm from a Hispanic family. We're all one, like especially when you're growing up. there is It's the family. And you reflect the family. There was no individuality. And so a lot of this caregiving and caretaking, all of your energy belonged to the family. And so it makes me think in that way.
00:19:00
Speaker
this new radical transformation as well that we're all doing of giving us back to ourselves, caretaking starts with yourself, really, in order to be able to overflow onto other people. That's that that glass we always talk about, that cup, onto your saucer.
00:19:16
Speaker
And it is a hard part of identity that we have given of being a part of something, codependency, we don't really look how much we're giving ourselves away in those in those ways of being the caretaker and making it your identity instead of taking care of yourself as your identity. It's a very big switch. I think we're starting to to flip and understand that you can only give of yourself if you have something to give.
00:19:44
Speaker
And that's what I think the biggest message in a lot of this is, is we're not doing codependency anymore. We're doing actual care. I think her her reflection of untangling your identity from that too is really ah crucial access point for that. So many caregivers are so tightly tethered to the taking care of others without understanding, like you said, the ultimate goal of taking care of somebody is to empower them
00:20:16
Speaker
back to that place of being able to take care of themselves and i think as you know especially as a parent generation generationally you know my mother is a is a great caregiver and she's so tightly tethered to being that for other people whether it was for me as a parent her spouse, either of of her husband's, she used to volunteer in a hospice and you know that was a great place for her to kind of flex those skills.
00:20:47
Speaker
But I think she really did it from a place of incomplete understanding of self. And so many times I can see where she sacrificed her own needs in deference to that identity of taking care of other people. And i you know, just the empower empowerment is one of my core values. And I think it's so important for us to understand.
00:21:15
Speaker
Yes. Sometimes people need you to do things for them for sure. But the ultimate goal in any of those instances is to model and give them a point of reference where they can then do it for themselves.
00:21:30
Speaker
How many people also is thinking about what listening to you because your mom's from a different generation, yeah like my mom and my grandma, especially a lot of the care they gave, they would also say, well, how much have I done for you?
00:21:44
Speaker
so it wasn't actually about giving at all. It was more about this codependency of energy and this hope that in the end,
00:21:55
Speaker
you'll give back to them what they essentially could have been given to themselves as well the whole time. And think that's a big message that you a lot of the older generation in a lot of ways taught us maybe on accident is being able to give without those conditions because that is also being the caretaker If you think about what you're getting out of it in any way, shape or form, whether it's identity or whatever, that is still not giving. And that is a really interesting thing to look at because what you're essentially ignoring is your own need at that point.
00:22:32
Speaker
Anything that's not unconditional is heavy, even if from the outside perspective, it looks like a gift.
Transforming Hypervigilance
00:22:42
Speaker
right you're giving something with the expectation of receiving something in return e it's a totally different dynamic absolutely next is marcus from tampa florida he said lyrics that his childhood made him really aware of the emotional climate in the room how do you stop hyper vigilance from running your whole life oh man that's a good question i think
00:23:10
Speaker
It is a practice like we always talk about as far as one step at a time. But it's also for me, when I read this question, I was like, flip it around because this is don't trip on your cape.
00:23:23
Speaker
And that is now a gift. That is now a gift that you have the ability to be aware of emotional intelligence. but now you can also understand that you're not responsible for that.
00:23:34
Speaker
And that is, I think the real key to it is because I grew up the same way as Lyric. One of the first things we done when we met each other, it's like little bit like looking in the mirror sleep with me and Lyric. And so the emotional climate in the room, we've talked about how we both can read things very easily or feel things very easily, but the you're not gonna be able to turn that off. It's not a thing that it's now a gift. It's now a thing that you have, with an ability. Congratulations, you have a new superpower.
00:24:00
Speaker
But they the key to it is knowing you are not now responsible for anybody else's emotions in the room. That's information for you. And you can be aware of it, you can understand it, but you don't have to manage it. And you only are responsible for you. And that is, when I read this question, something I had wished I understood as a child was so much more You know, kids, Lyric talked about this too, they will make a disturbance because that is the only way they know how to do things and and kind of bring it back to them. And i I think so many times as a kid, I was so much more aware of what my parents were feeling and trying to make everything okay than my own self and just understanding I am not responsible for anything that I see.
00:24:44
Speaker
That doesn't mean I'm going to stop seeing it. I think what came up for me was was really two pieces when I read this question. The first being, it's a it's an emotional regulation skill.
00:24:57
Speaker
And when we are developing in an environment where everything feels dysregulated, the way that we recalibrate our contribution to that is to sometimes over-regulate And neither sides of the continuum in emotional regulation serves us, whether we're completely dysregulated or whether we're over-regulated. We want to be in that sweet spot of self-regulation. And when we're seeing the, you know, the people in authority, our parents, the people that we care about, the people in our intimate circle, demonstrating dysregulated behaviors,
00:25:39
Speaker
it is very common for us to overcompensate on that other side of the equation. and then I think the other thing that came up for me too is we've been talking about rejection sensitivity in our household. That's ah that's a very common and not widely known symptom of ADHD where we're showing up with that dysregulated experience and then we're over focusing on the feedback through this lens of rejection. i know my 10 year old in particular can hear correction that is truly grounded, is very regulated and the way he immediately transmutes that and interprets it inside his own body and brain is a rejection.
00:26:28
Speaker
And as we all know, as human beings, rejection doesn't feel good. So then we grab some of these strategies like defensiveness or denial or argumenting, our argument arguing even like argumentation is ah is a great defense mechanism. Right.
00:26:46
Speaker
i don't like what you're saying. And I turn this into an argument that we're not focusing on the thing that you corrected me for. We're now focusing on the breakdown that is the argument. um I just, it you know, ah and I say this often, but like if we were meant to be pure energy, we wouldn't have, you know, inhabited these magnetic meat suits with all these emotions.
00:27:07
Speaker
One of the responsibilities to your part, one of the responsibilities of having these emotional feedback systems is learning how to leverage it and be empowered by that feedback instead of feel victimized or disempowered.
00:27:24
Speaker
yeah it's hard to flip the script on it but once you do super power can't unknow it
00:27:34
Speaker
um where are we at sophie from nashville tennessee she wrote in and said when lyric talked about attracting relationships that mirrored old wounds that hit me hard and i will say me too sophie ah why do people keep recreating familiar pain even when they know better?
Recreating Familiar Pain
00:27:56
Speaker
ah I love that question because I i talk about, ah use a 4A framework in my coaching business and it's awareness, accountability, and aligned action. All three must be present in order for us to make changes in our lives. And I think especially for me, most of my community is very self-aware, right? Awareness is an important piece. If you don't know the thing, you certainly can't take ownership and and do something different, but it's not the only piece that matters.
00:28:25
Speaker
And I think especially that whole that whole piece of when we know better, when we know better is the first step. And then we have to take ownership of why we've done what we've done What was the impact of what we've done?
00:28:41
Speaker
And what's the correction so that we can have something better and different? and And for me, that comes from having conversations, honest conversations with myself, with my friends, with my community, and really being willing to vulnerably peel back the layers of, oh, well,
00:29:01
Speaker
yeah, I don't wanna date the same person in a different body, but I did for decades. Why did I do that? I knew better. i knew that's not what I wanted. On a conscious level, that was not the kind of partnership I wanted to participate in.
00:29:16
Speaker
But from a wounded subconscious level, I wasn't taking ownership of how I was creating space to be in those kinds of relationships. And that that was really what came up for me when I when i read this question.
00:29:31
Speaker
Yeah, i all of that. and And once you know better, too, keep thinking, we've talked about this a lot just personally lately, the near enemy, like you have to often give up something to get something. And i was talking to a different friend this week, and he had this...
00:29:48
Speaker
person in his life that is taking up space and really he's ready to let her go. And I said to him, you're going to have to look at it like, you know, the space in your life is like a glass. And if that glass is full, you're going to have to either dump it or, you know, drink it. But most of the time, You fill a glass, you can drink it. But if it's you know orange juice and you don't want orange juice, you have to get something else. And you can only fill the glass and then you got to drink it. but The space in your life is the same way. like If it's full, there is no room for what you...
00:30:19
Speaker
that's better. And a lot of times in this specific instance, even when you know better, you're going to have to give up some things. you're going to have to probably dump the glass out or drink the glass, take your bed medicine, whatever, you know, you got here on your own. You have to get out on your own sometimes as I've been there.
00:30:35
Speaker
But either going to have to empty glass. You're going to have make room in your life for the better. And so often it's that near enemy that we don't want to give up.
00:30:46
Speaker
And so I think for what I've seen so often for people that have gotten the whisper and then they got the brick and I'm like, it's coming. so You know the next step, you know it, but they don't want to give up what it's going to take to get there or they don't want to do the work that it's going to take to get there because it it is also work. We also talk about like is as far as like weight loss.
00:31:08
Speaker
you know if I had 100 pounds to lose at one point and losing the first pound was the hardest because I was 100 pounds heavier than I needed to be. It's actually easier once you get the momentum, but it's the hardest to start and do the thing. And so that's why I think people don't do the thing even when they know better is they have momentum going the other way or they're going to give up something.
00:31:30
Speaker
that is going to be very hard to do. And that is just a part of the equation that you have to get good at if you want to keep getting better faster. Yeah, we have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
00:31:42
Speaker
And I think so many of us stay in challenging circumstances, whether they're personal or professional, because it's kind of like the enemy we know.
00:31:53
Speaker
i was um I was on a board of directors for a nonprofit a couple years ago, and had someone sitting in a seat that was not doing the job. But they were really attached to the mission of the of the prophet but the nonprofit. And so they didn't want to like leave the board is the conversation. But what was actually happening was the roles and responsibilities of that position were not getting met. And because the the position wasn't vacant, we couldn't bring in someone who
00:32:24
Speaker
was willing and able and had the time and the resources and the bandwidth to actually do the thing. And so ultimately the larger mission of the nonprofit was going unmet because someone was taking up space without actually filling it in an aligned way. And that's kind of what came up for me when you were when you were talking about her dumping cup. right?
00:32:47
Speaker
It's hard. It's hard to to give up something sometimes because you do feel emotionally attached. And that is really the biggest part is understanding yourself and why you don't want to give it up or why you don't want to make this face. It's hard sometimes, but we're all responsible and we can do it.
00:33:05
Speaker
We definitely can. All right. Next, we have three questions that are kind
Boundaries and Self-Love
00:33:10
Speaker
of similar. so we're going to read them all together and kind of just hit on the parts that are that are a feel wide for each of us. So Andre from Brooklyn, new York said, Lyric shared that he realized he had been giving all of himself away.
00:33:22
Speaker
What is the first real step for someone who does not know how to stop over giving? And then Cassie from Albuquerque, New Mexico said, i was struck when Lyric said that he feels guilt when he does something for himself.
00:33:36
Speaker
How do you work with guilt without letting it control your choices? And then lastly was David from Boise, Idaho. And he said, lyrics said opening up for him included reclaiming his autonomous self, not just being a parent or a partner.
00:33:50
Speaker
How do people reconnect with themselves when they have spent years living only through roles?
00:33:57
Speaker
These were such good, quote like I said at the beginning of the episode, we got so many really great questions this month. I think for me, what was coming up for this kind of part of giving up yourself and how to reclaim those pieces really coming comes back to knowing who I am independent of those roles and relationships. Um, I had a ah really powerful kind of epiphany in my early forties, trying to, trying to answer the question, who am I? Right.
00:34:31
Speaker
And um i went I went through this really deep kind of scenic inquiry inside my psyche of, well, I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a coach, I'm a friend, I'm a, you know, all the roles.
00:34:45
Speaker
And I was like, well, if I peel back all of those, like, what's the what's the essence that precedes? all of those. And it took a lot of time.
00:34:58
Speaker
It took a lot of wrong turns for me, because I would think I'd have the answer. And then I was like, Oh no, that's actually still a role. Oh no, that's still an identity that's attached to some relationship I have. And I, I think, you know, i kind of like these scenic deep inquiries myself,
00:35:18
Speaker
But it was hard to really get to the very essence, that like very beginning part of who am I? and doing a lot of you know things like core value work and really understanding what are what are my values that aren't related to those roles and responsibilities.
00:35:40
Speaker
was was crucial for me. And it also it had this really great, right? You kind of think about the reflection and in ah and a backward motion, but it also had this really awesome and surprising impact on the forward aspect of the timeline, because once I got clarity on what those core values are for me as an individual, it helped me show up in all those different roles and responsibilities and relationships in alignment with my true purpose, which you all certainly know at this point, like I'm an alignment junkie. I am, really passionate about living in a world filled with people making aligned choices. And that first step was for me to figure out for myself, what does that unique expression of alignment actually look like?
00:36:29
Speaker
And that's perfect place to start is that inquiry of yourself. Like you said, it it goes back to as well, integrity. a lot of self-esteem comes from integrity, from knowing who you are and aligning with that, no matter what the outside does.
00:36:46
Speaker
it's And especially often if like you set a goal and you meet the goal, that's where your self-esteem starts to come because you know you can rely on yourself if you say something and you do it. But that starts to go outside when you have those core values that you talk about and the integrity to follow through with them.
00:37:07
Speaker
Because anyone in your life They don't want you to be have guilt over your integrity. They don't want you to have any of these negative feelings when you're just doing what's best for you. like That is alignment, as you said. and so Part of it too, I thought a lot about that guilt question because I had a lot of that growing up, especially living in a cult, all my choices were supposed to be for someone else. And reclaiming the and myself and not having that guilt came back to the integrity of, I feel good about my choices. I actually love myself. I actually like what I'm doing. And so the guilt kind of fell away
00:37:48
Speaker
when i had that integrity in and of myself and the self-esteem that I show up for me. I like what I do. And a lot of that falls away. Like you said, starts with those core values, but then following through.
00:38:01
Speaker
And what I've noticed is the people that aren't okay with it, I'm okay with not being okay with them. Sometimes I'm actually more okay with not being them not being okay with me because sometimes you don't want somebody to have a good opinion of you.
00:38:16
Speaker
That would mean you're not in alignment with yourself. And so I think that's being the villain is part of the thing that I think you also have to be okay with in someone else's story because you don't you're not accountable to them. And I think that's where a lot of this guilt goes away and a lot of the empowerment comes back is when you have that core values and then the integrity to keep it.
00:38:37
Speaker
That's a really good point. And I definitely think it leads right into our next question from Hannah from Madison, Wisconsin. She writes in and says, in lyrics episode, he talked about the boundaries as firmness. And can you say more about what healthy firmness looks like without becoming cold and shut down?
00:38:57
Speaker
I think that's such a common partnership. when we feel like we need to hold our boundaries in order to open up, right? And that can be received as you shutting down or your firmness can be received as the absence of openness. openness But I think for me, especially learning to reprogram that partnership and knowing that my openness does come through my healthy boundaries and expression of them accordingly. And sometimes, especially for me, it's hard to not say the thing if it's if it's being requested, but knowing that what's aligned for me might be being quiet.
00:39:48
Speaker
Yeah. Firmness isn't always loud. it's And it's for you it you. Same as your boundaries. Your boundaries are for you. And I've kind of learned that they're the highest form of self-love in a lot of ways, especially because you know me well, I i have this instinct when I put a boundary up to also have some guilt afterwards because of, and we talked about this earlier in the episode, some codependency as far as that's what we were taught. That's what a lot of people are taught is love.
00:40:20
Speaker
But what you start to learn when you're taking yourself back and becoming who you are is that the boundaries really are kind of the glass that holds your energy and what you're filling it up with and being able to restrict that flow. Because if you have everybody pouring in or everything going out, regardless, it would be a bad, bad thing. You know, it's kind of chaos.
00:40:42
Speaker
And so the boundaries are the structure. that lets in what you want and out what you need and being able to have that health. So it's also reciprocal because a lot of times that's why you need a boundary is because you need that re reciprocity in your life of alignment, whatever that looks like.
00:41:03
Speaker
Yeah. know And we've talked to you about feeling from, you know, giving from the saucer. I think that also plays into this. If we're not, if If what we have to share is from our inner resources, is from our cup and not our saucer, that can also be received as being shut down when when truthfully it's really just an aligned expression of of your message.
00:41:29
Speaker
Absolutely. The next question is Chris from Seattle, Washington.
Resilience vs. Survival Mode
00:41:35
Speaker
He said, lyrics said resilience can become armor. what is the difference between healthy resilience and survival mode that just looks strong from the outside?
00:41:46
Speaker
I think that brought up Again, i i i love to think about resilience resiliency through the resiliency keys of quantum human design and really knowing that authenticity is part of our resilience. And when we are expressing that resilience in a healthy way, we're not so we're not in survival mode. We're truly in in thriving expression and really being that expansive version of ourselves rather than feeling like we're holding it all together we're staying behind the armor.
00:42:24
Speaker
Yeah. And I feel like you talk a lot about how ease is your birthright. So you feel like they have some ease and that is true, but talk about it.
00:42:40
Speaker
difference with resilience is that difference because you need to have the resilience to your difficult things because it's not going to be easy but it shouldn't feel like sacrificing yourself so you know i remember a long time ago think it was jay-z he talked to yeah i think it was rapping and how he he heard that unless you're working hard you're never going to do anything and he thought I'm never going to be a good rapper because he, it didn't feel hard to him.
00:43:10
Speaker
But what he didn't realize is he was putting hours and hours and hours and hours into it because that was the ease. But from the outside, it was also a a fuck ton of work.
00:43:21
Speaker
And so it doesn't mean that it's not going to be difficult in some ways that you're not going to have to put in the energy and the time and the effort. And that's what you need the resilience for, but it shouldn't feel like the armor what when it comes to it is for protection, protective resilience versus resilience that makes you keep going and pushes you forward.
00:43:41
Speaker
Yeah, when you were when you were talking, I was thinking ease and challenge can coexist. It doesn't have to be. think sometimes we confuse simple and easy with hard and complicated, and those things are are not the same thing. It's not the same energy. You can feel ease while working hard.
00:44:03
Speaker
But if it feels complicated, if it feels overwhelming, at least for me, that's the feedback I use to realign and recalibrate is some of the things that are are so aligned for me require a lot of effort. They require a significant investment of my time and my energy, but it brings me such joy. It fills it fills my cup.
00:44:27
Speaker
And so I think you know learning that distinction is also been a game changer for me.
00:44:35
Speaker
So Noah from Dallas, Texas writes when Lyric talked about choosing himself more seriously starting in September of 23, it made me wonder, it made me wonder, does opening up sometimes require disappointing other people?
00:44:51
Speaker
And I think you've already spoken to the importance of being okay with being the villain in other people's story. right Other people's disappointment is not our experience to manage. And that is not a license to just go be an awful person and take no responsibility or impact of your choices.
00:45:16
Speaker
But sometimes what is aligned for us and what is a true expression for us will not meet the expectations of the people we're in relationship with and they may make it mean that they're disappointed hopefully they can learn especially if they want to be in relationship with us that there's that is an opportunity to realign and recalibrate as well put a new meaning on it i i work with a lot of my clients on reframing the experiences that are outside our circle of control because how we
00:45:51
Speaker
determine our reaction and our response is inside our circle of control. And when something shows up, you know I'm not immune to disappointment by any means, because I certainly do have expectations, but I've learned to reframe faster, right course correct quicker, just to figure out what is it inside of me, the meaning I put on it that has allowed me to feel disappointed. And is it something worthy of,
00:46:21
Speaker
redefining in some way. That's, there isn't a better answer than that. And actually, it makes me think of the next question, which is about Dr. Alita. And maybe we'll go right into that. And then I can kind of play off of that.
00:46:34
Speaker
Priya from San Jose, California said, in Dr. Alita's episode, she described having a magical childhood in the middle of a war. how can both of those things be true at the same time?
Magic and Focus in Adversity
00:46:46
Speaker
And it was what you just said. It's the alignment that you hold to whatever's going on. It's a redirection of what you're focusing on. And so many times, like like you said, we both have clients that we work with and whether that's through coaching or different things, but so much, I look at people's lives and there's a lot going good for them, but there's this one thing In her case, it was a big one thing, a war, but her life was still magical because of the way her family oriented towards their circumstances, the family, the Persians, the community within that very difficult circumstance.
00:47:27
Speaker
And the realignment, I think, starts when you start to focus on all the good things and let that thing be. i mean, it's not like you're going to be able to change, in that case, an entire war.
00:47:38
Speaker
Sometimes we can change the difficult thing in our life, but a lot of times it just needs to we need to let it go and move on in our alignment and focus on all the good. And that will take care of itself in its own way. But those questions really play off of each other because it does disappoint others sometimes, what we're aligned to. And sometimes even having a positive attitude can make people disappointed. So I really loved that question. I just thought it was perfect to play off of that.
00:48:07
Speaker
So many things were coming up when you're talking. i was i was i have a colleague who's a coach and she talks about, i'm ready to i'm I'm pissed off about this. And are you ready to get pissed off with me? And the answer is always no.
00:48:22
Speaker
I can be passionate. I can be enthusiastic. I can be really fired up, but I don't choose to get pissed off about something, especially if I want to change it.
00:48:34
Speaker
because that is a low frequency vibration. That is ah that is a low expression, a suboptimal expression of my alignment to be pissed off about something and to use my vitality, which is also a part of my resilience in that way just feels inefficient. Another thing that came up while you were talking, I heard a woman once talking about how men are seen as the head of the family. And she was like, and I look at myself as the neck because the neck is what moves the head.
00:49:06
Speaker
And then I think about it from a from an embodiment perspective, you know, when we're up in our minds, we're and when we're in our heads, if we can just let it move through the neck and into our body and really feel, especially for us generator types, feel, feel into that, uh-huh or uh-uh, like I get what she's saying. she She's pissed off and that's what fires her to take action. But for me, wanna do it from a place of love. I wanna do it from a place of passion.
00:49:35
Speaker
wanna do it from a place of alignment. And Lita, expression of that experience like that, that has truly struck me as one of the most pivot pivotal, pivotal experiences in this podcast so far is to listen to her describe her childhood in this very active wartime experience as magical. Wow.
00:49:59
Speaker
Right. Do that. Like where are we, where we put our focus is what determines the experience we're living in it. It can be, disconnected from the circumstances, which can feel mundane, like my kids, you know, being all up in my stuff when I'm in my zone, or it can be literal bombs, you know, falling around you. And I think it's just so powerful to to take back our own control of where we put our focus.
00:50:33
Speaker
It's so important. And what you said about somebody being angry and wanting to get pissed off, This happens a lot within the trans community and LGBTQ community as well.
00:50:44
Speaker
Just a few months ago, i don't think I've shared this story. There was a Facebook friend of mine that went and did some kind of anti-protests and was, there was a video of them online, like flipping off other protesters. And then they posted it kind of proud of themselves. And they said, we can't hold, I can't hold the anger for the whole trans community.
00:51:03
Speaker
And the first thing I thought was, but I don't have any for you to hold. because I don't want to be angry anymore. And because I've never gotten any progress with anyone that I loved through anger. And I don't think that that's ever how we're going to do it together.
00:51:21
Speaker
It's going to be creating magic within the madness. And like you said, that was, we've both talked about it since then. And I've talked about it lots of people since then. Like the first word out of her mouth was magical. I just,
00:51:35
Speaker
ah We could all be like that and we could all create that even in the midst of a lot of difficult things. And that is what's going to change people's minds. It's not us being pissed off. I don't know a single person who's being raged at. It's like, oh, my bad. It doesn't work that way. They get very defensive and often come back at you. But if you so come at it with love and change the frequency of who you are and make them see something different, that is what changes us.
00:52:04
Speaker
It is, and it's not always an easy shift. i you know I don't want to disregard the value of anger because anger is a very important emotion. It gives us important feedback.
00:52:16
Speaker
And for me, it's now a catalyst for what needs heals healed, what what part of myself is still wounded that's showing up as angry. you know they um I've heard in different contexts that anger is sadness's bodyguard.
00:52:32
Speaker
And I think that's often a lot of what comes up and, you know, especially in Dr. Lita's episode, she she let the feelings truly come through unfiltered and then she chose joy and she chose the filter of seeing her life as a magical experience, untethered, unattached,
00:52:56
Speaker
not in relationship to the consequences of the circumstances. Just truly, like I said, one of my favorite parts of our project so far. So Elena from Miami, Florida wrote, Dr. Lita talked about how community and love made her feel safe, even in terrifying conditions.
00:53:15
Speaker
What can that teach us about what real safety actually is? And I think you've spoken to it a little bit already, but it safety is a choice.
00:53:26
Speaker
right it it is an and it It is an attachment to a part of ourselves. And it can, especially as children, feel like it is a result of the people we're in relationship with or the communities and families we're a part of.
00:53:45
Speaker
But in the at the end of the day, especially as adults, it comes back to choosing to see and focus on the safety that is within all of us and and what do we need to attach to and where where do we need to put our focus to to feel that?
Concept of Real Safety
00:54:05
Speaker
Yeah. And I mean, a lot of people too can have the opposite experience where they live it not in a war torn country and their home is not safe.
00:54:17
Speaker
And so it really does, you know, the focus that we can put on safety and and our what we can allow and within ourselves. It's for me, when I feel safe is when I can show all of myself and maybe even some of those moments of, like we said, anger or sadness or other things and know that they're a part of an expression of who you are, but they're not who you are because you do have to let them move through you to get through them a lot of times. And if you let them, you know, go fast right when it's happening, you kind of move through it.
00:54:53
Speaker
And so the safety for me is, you know, those small moments of being able to show up as you are, but then the big moments of being able to express all of who you are, especially, you know, as a trans person and LGBTQ being raised in a cult, all of that, and none of my life was safe to express who I am. And I think that that is what Dr. Lita did have, is this availability to express who she was and to be loved for who she was and her family had that.
00:55:20
Speaker
And so the safety, we it's a lot less about physical things at the end of the day. And a lot of times people think, my dad used to say that all the time, like, you have, you have so much better than we had it. Like every toy you ever wanted, you could have. And I was like, but I don't ever see you. We don't ever get to have actual conversations. We never get to play board games. Like, just the little things didn't make us feel safe because we couldn't feel seen and be around him in safety. So I feel like it is less to do about physical things and more to do about emotional and spiritual and existence things.
00:55:57
Speaker
I think something else that's coming up for me as we're talking about this question is also understanding the neurobiological firings that activate or confront that sense of safety. I was actually just playing a game with my kid yesterday and um he's not great when he's not winning a game. And so i had these visions when I had all these kids that I was going to, we were goingnna be like a game night family because I love to play games and I really could give a shit whether I win or lose as long as I'm having fun.
00:56:32
Speaker
in the game and also full transparency, I'm often winning the game. So I am very clear that maybe part of why that doesn't feel as confronting is because I'm not being invited to explore like, you know, what I make that mean.
00:56:47
Speaker
But we we got to the end of the game and he kind of lost his shit at some point. And so dad and I were both like, we're not, you know, truly grounded. Like we're just not not being angry, but also we're not gonna we're not goingnna do this if this is how you're gonna be in the space And he made it mean something so different than than the input he was given. It was like, I'm sorry I ruined your day. And neither of us had said anything close to that feedback, but the way he's hardwired in his brain and the way he's programmed, especially right now as he's kind of reprogramming some of that amygdala.
00:57:22
Speaker
flight or fight response is he put meaning on it that had nothing to do with the input. And I think that's, you know, that's not unique to my 10 year old losing a game of avocado smash. Like I think so often our conditioning and our programming grabs the wheel and the mic and tells us that it means something very different than it might mean to anyone else.
00:57:48
Speaker
And we can move forward in that space of, you know, funky feelings or, We can listen to the safe feedback from the people who truly love us and hear, look, that's not actually what happened for me. And I'd invite you to reorient yourself so that that's not what happened for you. you know I'll play avocado smash with my kid again. like My day was not ruined.
00:58:12
Speaker
But I think there's there's something really to that. Yes, the taff the the conditions can be terrifying. Yes, sometimes people can be disappointing. And still, we have the power to reprogram what's happening inside our bodies, what's happening inside our minds to feel safe again.
00:58:35
Speaker
I think it brings up too, especially because he's young, and this is a thing that's happening with a lot of young people these days, is there's a... a focus on negativity, not just like a little bit. There's um almost ah an identity wrapped up in it to where, i mean, there's a lot of sayings like, you know, want to be a trash person or like to the point where almost the identity is a screw up.
00:59:01
Speaker
And that is now the identity of coolness and a lot of things. And it's not because, you know, then that hasn't happened before, but I think so much now there's just a lot of people have given up and almost feel like it's hard to have even a hope in that. And so the programming is very strong right now in our world that we're bad and wrong and other and all of these things.
00:59:25
Speaker
Like you can't even put words to all of the ways that these messages are being given to us. And so being able to take back that wheel is so hard in our society. And especially like i said, he's young. It's being given to kids younger and younger and younger these days.
00:59:40
Speaker
And so being able to reprogram that like he said that's a really good thing for him to learn young for all of us to be able to do all right all right next is victor from los angeles california he said i was deeply moved when dr lita said she felt betrayed when her family came to america and she realized they were not going back how does someone process a life change they never consented to
01:00:05
Speaker
This was a really powerful question.
Handling Life Changes
01:00:07
Speaker
And I think the first thing that came up for me, especially with my experience in grief work is so much of the things that happen in our lives that feel like betrayal really are outside of our circle of control, right? We didn't consent. you know If someone we love dies, we did not consent to that change.
01:00:31
Speaker
being moved to a foreign country where the language is not yours, the the expression and the experience is foreign to you, especially as ah as an adolescent without consenting to that, can feel really disempowering.
01:00:49
Speaker
And I think the thing that came through most in this question was, well, what do I consent to? If I'm not in charge, you know, and in Dr. Lita's case, she was 14. She was not in charge of what the where the family was going to live or or where if they were gonna return.
01:01:07
Speaker
So it seems to me and listening to to the story that she shared, what she eventually consented to was recreating her experience and learning the language, the dynamics, you know the expressions and and staying true to her purpose, which I believe our life purpose is like a proper mission statement in business. It does not change over the decades.
01:01:36
Speaker
But you know a vision statement in a business absolutely will will morph and modify as the as the business stays current, hopefully, with what they're doing. I think the same is true for us as as humans. Our mission statement, when we're clear on who we are as a person, that will be the thread that weaves through the entire tapestry of our lives.
01:01:58
Speaker
But learning to be empowered and consenting to our vision and our expression and our the way that we show up in these present moments, I think is what's key.
01:02:14
Speaker
Yes. It's hard to, like, as a kid, it's funny, back to back, these are kind of questions about being young, you know, like we're talking about young experience. And the young experience so much of is out of your control of your life. And you have a lot of people that are making the bigger decisions of where you live. And both of you and I, and we moved a lot. I went to five kindergartens, I get it. like That's not really within your control, but the only thing you can kind of control is your attitude. But often you aren't processing a lot of this change in the moment. it It will come back around when you're able to, whenever that looks like.
01:02:51
Speaker
But I do find too, and wish I could have understood younger that all of these difficulty things, those are where your superpowers are going to come from.
01:03:01
Speaker
Because Dr. Alita now knows, you know, more than one language fluently. She's in this country making, how apropos is her voice at this time, at this day, in this country, when that's going on in that country?
01:03:14
Speaker
And her message is so much bigger because of everything that all of these things led her to. Me moving, you know, you move a lot. We're both real good talkers. it's Like we can talk to anybody at any time.
01:03:25
Speaker
about anything, it's a great experience to be able to have. And again, these things that we don't consent to often are our biggest struggles, especially when we're young. But I feel like if I could be have understood, yes it's hard, you ah hint and a young age are going to going through more than you will change you're ever going to go through, but you're getting your superpowers too during these times. And I think that that is what I would love to have known and be able to tell people during these difficult things. I think another thing that came up as you were talking to, obviously, I was never in any school longer than two and a half years my entire life. And one of my but very best friends was a girl I met in the middle of fourth grade when i went to a new school.
01:04:05
Speaker
And i I say that to people and sometimes, with oh, that sounds terrible or that must have been hard or... It really, it wasn't to me because I didn't have a point of reference, but I also didn't have the resistance.
01:04:17
Speaker
I wasn't present to that non-consensual change of schools or cities or locations. And I think also what came up too, I've i've shared in in past episodes, I was 21 when my dad died and he died of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. And he, found out on a Thursday that he had been diagnosed He died the following Monday. He had kept that a secret because he he wasn't able to really manage like what would that look like or or those things. And as a younger person, i had all the feelings that came with not only losing a parent, but also being resentful of not having more time process the possible inevitable inevitability of his death, whether it was at 51 or 81.
01:05:06
Speaker
But also it has become such a poignant point of reference for me 30 plus years later to say, oh well, I didn't consent to that change, but I did figure out how to leverage some of these magical superpowers, right? These these skills of, well, what am I gonna do with this thing that's way outside my circle of control? How am I gonna be a better version of who I am?
01:05:35
Speaker
in ri in response to this thing that I didn't consent to, right? Where I'm not re I certainly was reactive at different times in relationship to this energy, but at this point, right at halfway to a hundred, i really see that as such a divine invitation from the universe to step into my superpower and to be able to know with certainty in my heart, I can navigate navigate these challenges, whether I consented or not. And I am really passionate about consenting to be that positive impact on the people I'm in relationship with and that transparent modeling of even when it feels like all these circumstances are outside of our control, what is inside our circle of control and how do we leverage that in a really spectacular way?
01:06:31
Speaker
So Grace from right here in Boulder, Colorado wrote, Dr. Alita said part of her armor in Iran was being the straight A student. And then that identity got stripped away in America. What happens when the things you built your worth on fall apart?
Self-Worth Beyond Roles
01:06:48
Speaker
new Yeah, that's a big, big thing. i have everyone will experience this at some point. I think it goes back to what you're talking about, you talked about earlier as far as your purpose being consistent.
01:07:02
Speaker
And also, there's this like, you know, my favorite thing is do remember who you are before the world told you who it be? Because a lot of our identities are temporary, but there's this thread underneath of them. Like, you know, my first job, i remember being like, whoo, and I had like pens and like fucking hat and everything for that identity gets don't a credit card processing, but it felt like a big deal at the time. And then I was like a photographer and an artist and, you know, a mushroom man. I've done a lot of things and that none of those are who I am. They're just a person. I'm being a part of the time, but also i am all of those things all of the time. It's you they, you don't ever not, you're never not them. And so Dr. Lita,
01:07:49
Speaker
when she wasn't a straight A student here, that didn't change that she was a straight A student there. And also didn't change her capacity to be one again once she got over this new hump. And, you know, it probably even made her ah able to learn the language and do all that kind of stuff a lot faster because she was that straight A student.
01:08:07
Speaker
But I think her identity that really she was, had learned about herself is that she can do hard things and that she can learn new things. And that was what she,
01:08:19
Speaker
really brought in with her to here and then further on as well. I love that you brought up your first job. My first job, I was 16 and I was selling ridiculously overpriced fancy bikinis at a bathing suit shop in Coconut Grove. And um I'm not really great at retail was my story because I had like all these stories about the things. But what I what i think about that, when I think about that job a lot, I think about, well,
01:08:48
Speaker
what these really What these women came in and would spend hours trying on these $100, $200 bikinis over and over again, what they were looking for was not bikinis.
01:09:02
Speaker
They were looking for validation. They were looking for confirmation. They were looking for someone to chat with while they were in the changing room. And that is such a part of who I am, right? My my background in therapy and counseling, my my current expression and coaching, just who I am for my friends.
01:09:20
Speaker
It's always been that energy that has shown up in every place that I am. And if I identified as a salesperson for high overpriced bikinis, I could say I was really shitty at that job. Right.
01:09:34
Speaker
But if I pan out or reorient to what it was that I did really well, That was absolutely an aligned expression of my identity. I am here to initiate folks into aligned change and whether a woman walked out of Richie's bathing suit shop with a bathing suit in her bag or not, so not tethered to that aligned expression of who I am.
01:09:57
Speaker
there get i think another story coming up too is in my forties, I did a lot of personal inquiry and I had this like big aha moment about my own self. And so I was asking my mother, At the time, you know she was 70 or something. And I was like, who are you? And she was like, what do you mean? I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a good employee. I'm a, all these identities that were tethered to roles and responsibilities. And I was like, no, no, like whose who are you before you step into any of those roles? And I've had this conversation many times since, but I think we get so attached
01:10:34
Speaker
to our identity as what we do or who we do it for or how well we do it. And part of what came up and in this question for me was it's not about the context.
01:10:49
Speaker
It's not about how, not even how you show up and in response to this question. It's about the who is showing up. That's where our fullest identity lives.
01:11:01
Speaker
my The reason I named my book A Human Being With Love is because we're human beings. We're not human doings. So it's not about what you're doing. It's who you're being while you're doing anything you're doing. And that's why I say I want to be a being with love in every single thing that I do. That is my purpose. That's who I am. And so it's the perfect way to say that. I love that you asked your mom that. I want to ask my mom that.
01:11:26
Speaker
that's That'll be the day. well Full transparency, I don't recommend it. They might go very well, but it was a very, very deep insight that I generated from that inquiry.
01:11:37
Speaker
That's what i want to know. okay All right. Kevin from Chicago, Illinois said in Dr. Lita's episode, she described her inner calling as a light in the solar plexus that would not leave her alone.
01:11:49
Speaker
How can someone tell the difference between fear talking and purpose talking?
Fear and Purpose Interaction
01:11:54
Speaker
I love that. it it For me, you know I see the pictures all the time. It painted a picture of like fear and and purpose, like sitting down and having a cup of coffee together.
01:12:04
Speaker
And I think you know in any time, whether we are sitting down and having a cup of coffee or in this personal inquiry, learning to see the value of the exchange, what does the other person or other energy bring that resonates with you I think is where the real gifts come in because our fear can be talking to our purpose and our purpose can see, there's this really beautiful wisdom that fear brings that helps me align to my purpose. And I think in the other direction as well, fear can see there is this real deep wisdom that my purpose brings that lets me know the value of my fear because I think
01:12:48
Speaker
fear kind of like anger and some of those other emotions that get a bad rap, it serves a purpose. It lets us shine the light in those like dark cobwebby corners of our psyche and be like, oh, well, what is actually to be feared? And maybe it's a legit concern, but also maybe it's not.
01:13:09
Speaker
Yeah. I um think of it in terms fear and love between connection and protection personally, as far as how they live in my body.
01:13:21
Speaker
Because often when I'm trying to protect myself, it's out of fear. It's not out of connection. So, and when I want connection, that's from love. That those, for me, that's what they feel like.
01:13:34
Speaker
And so ah often when I'm afraid or trying to protect myself from something, you know, I can try and figure out what that is. And, you know, when when I have difficult things that happen in my life,
01:13:46
Speaker
We'll talk about them. And a lot of times I'll have to figure out what I'm afraid of and why I'm afraid. And a lot of times at this point in my life, there are legitimate, I would call them fears, but also just like concerns of things that could happen.
01:14:02
Speaker
And it can give you, like you said, that discernment to be able to say like, I want to step into this with love, but also, you know, you have to look both ways before you cross the street. it It is, that's where fear can play a good role. in your life as far as you don't want to get hit, but you're still going to cross the street in a safe way.
01:14:20
Speaker
And so I think that is how I kind of look at the difference between fear and love is like you said, they're probably both going to be there, especially if you really love something. If you really care about something, it's inevitable that the fear is going to come.
01:14:34
Speaker
And often I also love the definition of the term courage. Courage cannot be had unless there is fear. So if you don't have fear, you can't be courageous. It's the same sort of thing.
01:14:44
Speaker
with all of these things as far as if you really love something, you're probably gonna have some fear about it. So being able to discern what it's telling you and why it's there is really the key because you're probably always gonna have both.
01:14:57
Speaker
and And they can coexist harmoniously too. you know Courage is is one of the nine resiliency keys. And I think a lot of people don't fully understand that it is holding hands with your fear and doing it anyway because the action is aligned with your purpose.
01:15:17
Speaker
It's okay to be afraid when that gives us feedback, right? that that And for me, I hope what people can take away from that is it can also give us the clarity of purpose and let that conversation really serve both aspects of ourselves.
01:15:36
Speaker
Beautiful.
01:15:39
Speaker
All right, Isabella from santa Fe, New Mexico wrote, Dr. Lita said courage was not the absence of fear, but holding hands with fear and moving anyway. All right, so I'm already tapped into the question list. ah What does that look like in real life when you're in the middle of it? And I think we've we've talked about that a little bit already, but I also think it's really important to know that when we're in the middle of it, right, and when we're in that liminal space between the disruption that happened that gave us the evidence to be fearful and the expansion that's pending when we take the action and hold hands with our fear
01:16:21
Speaker
is such a gift, right? it's It's a natural part of the cycle of growth and it can't be skipped. It can't be avoided as much as we would like to just expedite our experience of the liminality as human beings, right? i like certainty Liminality is the opposite of that. That's where the uncertainty lives, but it's also where we get to access the potential to step into our power.
01:16:46
Speaker
Yeah, and it's funny because I have reframed this in my brain. for my own self, as far as the lenality is the difficult part, like you said, is that in between space, but it's also space between the beginning and the end of a game, a game you know, like football game. I love football. So like, that is the fun part when you're watching it and being able to experience it. It's also, you know, on a roller coaster, it's going up before you have the big, it does have, you know, a lot of fun if you can look at it that way.
01:17:17
Speaker
But often because we're focused on the outcome, the potential outcome, we lose the fun in the middle of it. And so I've had to kind of train my brain of like, the outcome is going to be inevitable, whatever that looks like. And so only thing I can do is have fun in the middle and kind of, you know, orient. So the way I want to look at these things, because like I i said, especially if you love something or you want something or you care about something, or if you have big dreams, you're going to be afraid.
01:17:49
Speaker
you're also going to be afraid that they're not going to come true. And so that is probably one of the scariest things is joy too. Your foreboding joy is a term Renee came up with for this exact thing.
01:18:00
Speaker
So being able to have fear and courage to do it anyway, it can start to look like fun, you but it takes some training in in your brain to start to look at it. And, you know, I still sometimes like, yeah, I can crumble about it, but it's a learning process and a choice to start to say, all right,
01:18:19
Speaker
We're in the middle here, we're in the building. We don't know that score is going to be at the end of the game yet, but we're going to have some fun in the meantime. And even if we lose, we're going have learned some stuff. We're going to get better in the process and the thick time after we'll do something different.
01:18:33
Speaker
Kind of reminds me of when Dr. Alito was talking about tucking her two-year-old ego in for a nap. And I was like, well, that's just like a fun way to reframe. When our ego steps in and shape feels like it's upside down and us backwards. like There is so many different ways that we can learn to walk
01:18:54
Speaker
with the with the uncertainty. And to make it fun, you know i younger me was like, if you're not having fun, you're not doing it right. I'm a little less judgy about it now, but I still believe the premise of that idea is there is always fun to be had.
01:19:11
Speaker
if you choose to be empowered and and grab a perspective that helps you feel that way. Absolutely. So the next is Rachel from Atlanta, Georgia. What's up, ATL?
01:19:26
Speaker
I keep thinking about Dr. Lita saying she had to stop suppressing her voice. For people who grew up believing speaking up was dangerous, how do they begin?
01:19:37
Speaker
Do you want to see? I don't know anything about that. yeah My whole life was you know having a different voice. that we We were talking about this before we even started recording today, how for me, there was a dual processor at all time. There was Tiffany's voice and then my voice and trying to modulate because the automatic responses would come through and I would have to filter them over to her and figure out what she was going to say. so It was a long process being able to say that. So it was unsafe.
01:20:10
Speaker
And so being able to recapture that voice, first of all, it's going to be a process often. It's not going to be immediate overnight because you have wiring that you've wired, you know, and that is a ah hard process. And Tiffany is still with me. I'm never going to not have her as a part of the neuro wiring and the neurobiology of who I was at that point.
01:20:32
Speaker
So, you know, and obviously mine is a very extreme example as usual, but When I started to realize who I wanted to be was going to be allowed and I was going to choose that, it wasn't easy. And I started to have, there's this thing on the emotional guidance skill. And i I give it to people now because I was in depression when we started. And the skill is often like joy is up here. And then there's all these things in between. And I literally had to use my voice to move up the scale. And the hardest thing for me was actually to even get into it.
01:21:07
Speaker
because I could not even get angry because of that was, it just put me back down to sad and depressed because of everything that I had been through. And so the voice, especially if you've had a very hard life, especially if you didn't have a magical childhood like Dr. Alina, starting to recapture your voice is going to be moving up that emotional guidance scale and starting to choose one thing at a time and starting hopefully to use your voice to find the things that make you joyful.
01:21:36
Speaker
and then leaning into that. And that, the reason I say going up the guidance scale and I started with that is because you often don't trust immediately your voice and what that feels like. And you might even think the things eventually that make you right are wrong. You might even not be able to try them on yet.
01:21:54
Speaker
And so it's gonna take you potentially some time to even get to those things eventually to make yourself who you are. think the thing that came up for me when I was reading this question had more to do with the aligned community that we're a part of. right i i did not struggle with suppressing my voice as a young person. i was like full volume Leslie, like kind of lost. It was kind of lost on me when that wasn't being well received or it was unwanted. Like I just didn't even realize that people didn't want to hear what I had to say. right
01:22:33
Speaker
but i But when I was reading this question, I was thinking, if I had felt that way, what would I have needed in order to feel safe to start practicing that?
01:22:45
Speaker
And it would, and it comes back to our community, comes back to the people that we're in relationship with. And if you don't have a large community and a historical point of reference for that, what can you do to create that so that you can start practicing speaking your truth?
01:23:05
Speaker
And maybe it's, speaking your truth in a journal. If there isn't an actual like three-dimensional person out there in the world, just start the practice. The practice is it it is baby steps potentially, and maybe it it is not even with another human, but then once you've got clarity with yourself, that conversation with self, then you practice it with a person in your life that you are safe with. And then that builds momentum and you get to say it to more people and that builds momentum.
01:23:35
Speaker
and you say it to strangers and that builds momentum, right? it's It's a practice. It's a progressive practice, regardless of whether we're talking about speaking or any other aspect of safety is coming back to self first and then taking those small incremental, maybe 1% shifts in how we do it in order to get better at it.
01:23:59
Speaker
i love that you said journaling because that's all I had for a very long time. i actually still have all my journals from I think from when I was like 17, my first journal that I still have, it was, it's still the thing that bring I bring with me back to. But when you get that community, like you said, that is invaluable to have it in three dimensional space. It's not easy. It's especially these days, we talk a lot about how lonely people are, because i think first they're lonely.
01:24:28
Speaker
for themselves because they don't have this place to show up fully as themselves and that's where that community in the aligned community does come in and if there's one thing that will change your life besides obviously knowing who you are it is having a community that you get to show up for who you are so that would that's such a gift that you can find for yourself and give to yourself in your life both journaling and aligned community
01:24:54
Speaker
Do you wanna share Sam's question from Minneapolis? Yeah, next is Sam from Minneapolis, Minnesota. When Dr. Lita talked about hearing the statistics around child torture and COVID, you could feel the moment everything became non-negotiable for her.
01:25:11
Speaker
Does everyone have a moment like that or do some people grow into purpose more slowly?
01:25:19
Speaker
I think it's both. think we all do have a moment. Lisa Waddell, Where into our purpose and for some of us, it can feel incremental so it feels like a slow development for others, we have a very clear point of reference like Dr Leah story where it's like Lisa Waddell, I will, I am forever changed and who I will be everything I do will be oriented to this point time. Lisa Waddell, But I think it.
01:25:52
Speaker
it's progressive too. i don't think we have a single moment. I think most of us, if we're blessed to wake up a day older, we're stepping into the opportunity to have more and more moments where we're stepping into our purpose with greater clarity and an impact, an expression that creates a larger impact.
01:26:15
Speaker
But I think those you know those moments can feel obvious, like the story that she shared, or they can be more subtle and they can feel like they kind of morph in a, in a less dramatic or different way. What are your thoughts? Yeah, I think it depends too on how big your purpose is because not everyone has the same purpose and same life plan on this planet.
01:26:43
Speaker
And I think we've talked a lot about that leading edge, which is where, you know, we, personally and both align with. And you know someone dr like Dr. Alina definitely aligns with that leading edge.
01:26:55
Speaker
And so i think I don't think you can fall into your purpose when you're at the leading edge. I don't think it's an accident. I think it has to be on purpose with purpose, which is why I say that all the time.
01:27:09
Speaker
Because wouldn't it be great if we could all accidentally live on purpose? That would be amazing. No, it just doesn't work that way, especially when we are trying to move the world forward. You're going to have to go contrary to popular belief often. You're going have to potentially go contrary to the people you love. You're going to have to go contrary to, in some ways, it feels like the whole planet if you're under the far enough ahead.
01:27:37
Speaker
And so I don't think you can fall into that. I think that that may be a gradual choice where you start testing it But at some point, especially if it gets big enough, you know, it's like us, when you're speaking it out loud to a whole platform, it's gotta be a big choice and a big decision. And, you know, when I went through my first transition surgery, when I looked in the mirror, that was my moment where I was like, I'm never fucking going back because I knew i had done it and i was it was worth it and it was never gonna go back again. I could never compromise ever again. And so I did have a moment like that
01:28:14
Speaker
as well. But it was lot of moments leading up to that and choosing being able to do that. But that was when I really stepped into my purpose and everything has been different since then.
Purpose and Pivotal Experiences
01:28:27
Speaker
As we were talking, i was I was thinking about my response and wondering if what I said is actually true for me. And I think the yes and is definitely coming up for me.
01:28:38
Speaker
I can reflect back on several very pivotal experiences in my life that were moments. And they all launched me into clarity of my purpose, sometimes consciously, sometimes more experientially and on a ah subconscious level, but they've each been a catalyst for that alignment.
01:29:04
Speaker
And I think that's that's maybe more of what I was hoping to express is, you know when when Dr. Lita shared about the child torture and the increased rates during COVID, that has a bit that story has a big impact.
01:29:19
Speaker
That has a big impact on me personally, that has a big impact on our society and and country at large. But also there were many moments preceding her awareness of that those statistics.
01:29:33
Speaker
that had her locked and loaded to have that clarity. And I think that's really what I'm thinking about for all of us is there might be this moment, right? Like for you standing in front of the mirror, you can say with certainty that was one of your moments, but I know enough of your story to know there were many other moments that preceded that, that had you locked and loaded for that conscious clarity and not doing it on a subconscious level, not doing it on a foundational level, but all of a sudden doing it on purpose with purpose to your point. And, you know, purpose and accidents are two sides of the same coin, but they can't really coexist. You got to either should have there happens accidentally or it happens on purpose. You know what I mean? yes
01:30:22
Speaker
I do. And like you said, you do know enough of my story to know, like there was, I was locked and loaded, but like, I did not purposefully leave the cult. I mean, I did, but I didn't. It was an accident that I left forever. I was purposefully leaving because I thought I had a wicked heart. I was like, I need a break to fix myself. And then I realized, oh shit, I'm not broken. And, you know, left eventually on purpose. But that was an accident. And there was a lot of moments along that wired me and to be able to be equipped to do it eventually.
01:30:57
Speaker
It's very interesting
Staying Open - Q&A
01:30:58
Speaker
how many catalysts serve you an accident eventually. Yeah, truly. Like we use that word, but no accidents. Right.
01:31:07
Speaker
Conscious clarity or not. um Olivia from Charlotte, and we've addressed some of her question, but I i like, i I want to make sure that we give this a little mic time because this is a really important inquiry. She said, Dr. Lita described staying open as a practice, not a personality test.
01:31:26
Speaker
What are some daily practices that actually help a person stay open when life makes them want to close? And i I love that Dr. Alita talked about her her daily practices.
01:31:40
Speaker
And I definitely, encouraged me to revisit some of mine, maybe the ones that I'm still doing, but more more what came up for me is things that at practices that I've let drop off, that I also know do serve me and do practice me, you know, are group practices for me to maybe revisit again. I was a very active journal journaler and my young adulthood and i i i couldn't really like I can't really pinpoint when I stopped exactly but I it was such a helpful part of processing those things in my life that I didn't feel safe processing externally you know I'm so grateful to have friendships like ours and and I have other friends that I can do it with now so maybe that's part of why I don't feel as inclined to journal as often anymore but
01:32:36
Speaker
I think you know the answer to the, what are some things we can do to actually help us stay open when when life makes us feel like we want to close is to remember that that's an invitation. When we feel that need to armor up, when we feel that reaction to close up and shut down,
01:32:57
Speaker
knowing with certainty that that is not the best practice that serves our highest good, and then having the you know vulnerable courage to reconnect to something different. And for some people it's journaling, for some people it's talking, for some people it's a daily exercise routine, right? Like again, biologically our bodies are better when we are active, but that might be swimming for some person, that might be weightlifting for another, that might be yoga for another, that might be jogging, which sounds like fucking torture to me personally, but I know great people speak about great benefits and feeling great about doing that, right? Like you have to be willing to look at
01:33:38
Speaker
what aligns for you and try on a bunch of different things that maybe aren't it in order to get clarity on what it is that is it and then have the determination to do it whatever that is for you regularly so that you can be resourced to show up as the best version of yourself.
01:34:03
Speaker
Right? Yeah, I think too, like like when listening to you, mention all the different practices people can have. It made me think about what you're what you're opening up to and how open you want to be as you know a human. ah Again, we're all on spectrums in different capacity, but the very idea of opening up is to something you know you outside of you. So being able, I was thinking a lot, I did good for a long time opening up in journals. It took me longer to open up to humans because of that safe place. And like you said, our friendship
01:34:37
Speaker
is great for that because being able to have a safe place that I can open up. And I think that would be one of the practices for myself that I would give to another person because it is actually easier for me to go back to journaling and be like, fuck it, I'm out. And so I i force myself sometimes to be like, I'm going to text, I'm going to do the thing because I know I am safe and she loves me and I'm going to be okay. So like the opening up too is knowing where you're safe having a practice to do it, even when it's hard.
01:35:09
Speaker
And even when, you know, sometimes your wiring wants to push back against it because being seen really will make you feel again. So many times, even like I said, our podcast came from a moment when I was saying a thing that I had kept inside and written in my journals, but didn't want to speak out loud.
01:35:28
Speaker
And it changed everything for me. So being able to have that safe place where, you know, you can open up, and then bring yourself out. And then eventually you bring that whole self out to the whole world, hopefully. and So I think it's a practice, but also making sure you know what that looks like for you outside of you to start to bring that out into the bigger world so that you are safe in the bigger, bigger concept of all of us.
01:35:54
Speaker
I think also knowing that what works for you might not be something anyone else has ever done. And that doesn't invalidate it in any way, shape, or form. I was um just on a retreat last week and I took a bunch of malas that I had gotten from someone else that I didn't like the way that they'd done it, but I liked the beads. So i these I have like, i don't know, it was like a dozen malas.
01:36:16
Speaker
Smoke and deal. I couldn't even buy the beads for the price she was selling the malas. I was like, one day I'm going to restring them. And then they sat on my dresser for like two years. And so... I took them on this retreat I was on and I was committed to restringing them, making them mine, right but rubbing a little Leslie on them. And for me, mala making is a moving meditation.
01:36:35
Speaker
it it It puts me into this energetic space of being able, being open. being able to process. So while we were on this retreat and different facilitators were educating different pieces, i kind of had parked in the corner with my beads and my bead tray and I was restringing all of these malas. And i I realized that some people could have looked at it and thought I was not paying attention, that I was you know being disrespectful. Fortunately, I was in a safe community where people understood that was actually helping me
01:37:08
Speaker
be open to what everyone else was sharing and be able to let it create space for it to land in a way that it might not have been able to if I'd just been sitting there with my pen and my notebook and my you know my note taking skills.
01:37:23
Speaker
And i think that's a really important part of this too is Knowing that what works, being certain, willing to try on other things and being certain that what works for you is none of anybody else's business, right? It's a whole lot of none. Yeah. If it works for me and you don't like it, that's a you problem, not a me problem.
01:37:45
Speaker
And again, not to be disrespectful, but also to just be certain and have clarity that there are things that you can do that will serve you and they can serve you in a regular capacity and they don't have to be something that anyone else does. Or there might be great things like journaling that millions of people do that also works for you. So you just have to figure it out and then be good with it.
01:38:09
Speaker
Absolutely. think last question, Derek from Detroit, Michigan. He said at the end of her episode, Dr. Lita said, Don't trip on your cape means don't trip over doubt.
01:38:22
Speaker
How much of opening up is really about learning not to doubt yourself? Short answer, all of it. Yeah. That was answer. It's the whole thing. no It's the hardest part and the most important because the only way you can open up to is if it's you. And most important thing that you can bring to the world is you, is you can Give us your contribution and share you with all of us and the whole world will be better for it. And if we can all show up that way fully, we'll make a whole new planet.
01:38:59
Speaker
And when that doubt creeps in, is it inevitably will? No. with certainty that you are making the world a better place in your authentic expression and have those people in your life, whether it's Alex and I on our podcast or whether it's friends in your community or whomever it is, have those people in your life that can remind you of the unique and important impact that you're here to make on the collective because that doubt cannot coexist with that certainty.
01:39:32
Speaker
Absolutely. You're here for a reason. won We know this was a long one, so thanks for sticking with us. But we had so many great questions from this month's episode, and we really just decided we didn't want we didn't want to not share them with you all because there was so much good inquiry going on. So thanks for sticking with us, and we can't wait to talk to you next month.
01:39:58
Speaker
Thanks again, and bring us your questions, but until then, don't trip on your cake. We'll see then.
Wrap-Up and Future Episodes
01:40:09
Speaker
Thanks for joining Alex and Leslie on Don't Trip On Your Cake. I really appreciate you being here and walking this path with them. If today's episode sparks something in you, if it helps you rock something new about yourself or your journey, show your support by subscribing to the channel, liking episode, and leaving a comment show your thoughts or takeaways.
01:40:24
Speaker
Your voice helps to grow this community of brave, curious humans learning to wear their kitchen confidence. Until next time, fly high, stay curious, and Don't Trip On Your Cake. Step into your superpower.