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Adoption & Loneliness — What No One Talks About
25 Plays30 days ago
Why do so many adopted children and even adoptive parents silently battle loneliness — even when surrounded by love?
In this deeply vulnerable episode of Pause & Think, hosts Aixa and Jackie open up a raw, unfiltered conversation about the emotional undercurrent often left out of the adoption narrative: feeling unseen, misunderstood, and isolated — and how that loneliness can linger into adulthood.
Through honest personal stories, spiritual reflection, and practical wisdom, this episode brings light to a heavy topic — and offers real hope for healing.
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Transcript
Introduction and Setting
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hi, welcome to another episode of Pause and Think. My name is Aixa and we are at Jackie's place today. This is our dining room. This is where a lot of good stuff happens. A lot of good conversations kind good conversations, real conversations, real meals happen. This is not a set. This is her home. And I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for opening up your home.
00:00:46
Speaker
And Randall is our unofficial producer, manager, slash everything. So he set up this little studio here um and equipment and stuff. So we're so thankful to Randall for setting us up in this very comfortable little home studio.
00:01:04
Speaker
um And we are...
Loneliness in Adoption and Foster Care
00:01:06
Speaker
about to dive into a conversation that is really ah very basic feeling, I feel like, um with adoption, and that is loneliness.
00:01:19
Speaker
As a mom, I hate, I hate that kids go through that. I hate that you had to go through that and still probably do at one point or another um because we try to fill that void. We try to, you know, do everything in the book to,
00:01:36
Speaker
make you feel welcome and that you belong. And, you know, we do what is humanly possible to undo that. And a lot of foster and adoptive parents go to great lengths to make you feel welcome and embraced and everything.
00:01:55
Speaker
But still, there's a very deep sense of loneliness. And we I really want to understand it better. So let's dive into it. Yeah, thank you, Aixa. And i think loneliness is ah big issue just in general in the world nowadays.
00:02:14
Speaker
yeah um A lot of people are dealing with loneliness. I know COVID, when we went through that, oh, that really set us up to be very lonely people when we had to hide behind masks and stay in our homes as if they were prisons um because we had such fear of going out.
00:02:31
Speaker
um But, you know, I know we're talking about loneliness in the heart of an adoptive or foster care child. And i think it's a subject that's really real.
00:02:44
Speaker
And we're going to talk about it, not because we're psychiatrists. And I'm sure there is a major study about loneliness and all that contributes to loneliness. Mm-hmm.
00:02:57
Speaker
But we're going to just talk about it from a practical standpoint, viewpoint, um from what we've experienced, um not just in my personal life, but what we've heard yeah through the stories of many other adopted adults now who can express why they feel so lonely.
Jackie's Personal Experience with Loneliness
00:03:19
Speaker
And I i just want to start out by sharing my story And how that tied into my loneliness.
00:03:27
Speaker
um Because as I've told many times that I was um just one of the... um only adopted kids that I knew in my area growing up, going through school, other than my brother and my sister, my younger sister.
00:03:45
Speaker
But I didn't feel like I had anybody else who I could identify with or relate to because back in the 60s, it wasn't as common.
00:03:55
Speaker
And so I felt very alone, like I felt like I was the only one who was going through my adoptive situation or story.
00:04:09
Speaker
And many times when we feel lonely, I think it's because we feel like we're the only ones that are walking through this type of situation. And we have nobody to really talk to. But I know today, in today's world, adoption is much more common.
00:04:28
Speaker
You know, there's support groups. I know you you um lead a support group for adoptive families. Mm-hmm. I know there's many more support groups for adoptive adults, which I help. I feel like I have the great privilege of leading in Latin America and just gathering a group of adult adoptees. So I'm hearing their hearts and the fact that they're lonely is why they join.
00:04:53
Speaker
Exactly.
Loneliness as a Spiritual Struggle
00:04:54
Speaker
Yes, I was going to say definitely it makes it more acute, more, you know, deeper when you're exactly the, the you know, you and your siblings were the only adopted kids throughout your school years. I mean, from kindergarten to senior year, you guys were the only Asian siblings.
00:05:15
Speaker
kids in the, probably the school in the town. ah So that makes it even harder. But I was going I'm just thinking, listening to you thinking,
00:05:26
Speaker
Well, my kids are Guatemalan. ah They may blend in to their class or anything and everything, but they still experience loneliness.
00:05:38
Speaker
I know that. So it's a very deep human experience. And something that really stuck with me was listening to a friend of mine.
00:05:50
Speaker
He's a grown man. in in he said, i you know, looked around during during Christmas, I looked around the room and I would always think none of them have my blood.
00:06:06
Speaker
i We don't share blood, none of them. I'm not one of them. And so, you know, how that made me think of how my girls are thinking or feeling through celebrations and stuff.
00:06:20
Speaker
which you know make family like the focus. So that's like I think about their perspective and just differently. And it brings me to consider um how the devil, how the enemy, how our flesh really take advantage of that aspect.
00:06:40
Speaker
um and play around our minds and hearts, and really want to like squeeze that and make you believe so many lies. Because his main goal is to isolate you, to kill you.
00:06:56
Speaker
That's the thing. That's like his goal. And so if he if he has an advantage point, quote unquote, with your story of a hard start in life,
00:07:08
Speaker
And that rupture, then that trauma, he's going to take advantage of that. And he's going to play around your mind and actually make you believe no one will understand.
00:07:19
Speaker
Exactly. No one understands. and you're You're like nobody else. And isolation is what I think feeds that loneliness. You're absolutely right.
00:07:31
Speaker
I think that you know loneliness, a big part of it is the battle of our mind. We've heard, I've heard so many people talk, whether you know talk shows or in church, you know in ah in a sermon, that we could be in a room filled with people and yet feel like we're the loneliest person on earth.
00:07:58
Speaker
So it's not physical, even though it could be physical, because I know of people who physically feel that they don't have any friends or people around.
00:08:10
Speaker
But, you know, that example you talked about, you know, when ah we love watching the National Geographic shows and, you know, when the lion wants to kill, yeah you know, there's a whole herd of animals, but he's chasing and they want to veer that one off. They want to get them away from the the pride to, you know, separate them, physically separate them.
00:08:34
Speaker
You know, they might be surrounded like we talked about, um be in a room full of people. But then when they literally physically separate them, They might already feel like little weaklings, but then when you're separated, then he can just go in for the kill. And, you know, when we physically separate ourselves from people and in get out of relationships,
00:08:59
Speaker
and think that we can handle it on our own and we're the lone ranger, you know, um that's when the enemy really comes in to kill, steal, and destroy. And he does it in our mind. he wants us to think we are the only one walking through this.
00:09:14
Speaker
And for so many years, so many years, Aixa, I felt like I was the only one who was left in the garbage to die. I'm the only one who has rat bites on my you know body that that are like my battle scars that show, that prove you know my point of...
00:09:36
Speaker
of abandonment and rejection and, and that just like the victim mentality that all the things that I went through and nobody, nobody understands me that kept me in my lonely state that nobody understands.
00:09:52
Speaker
Um, but when I came into my relationship with Jesus and understood that, I do have a heavenly father who loves me unconditionally, who knows everything about my story, even though I don't.
00:10:12
Speaker
That really began to change my perspective of loneliness, knowing that I was connected to him. And we're talking spiritually. yeah We're not talking about a physical person who's sitting in the chair like you are.
00:10:27
Speaker
But when my mind started understanding and I started believing by faith ye that I wasn't alone, little by little, my perspective began to change. And I'm going to just clarify something. We're talking about deep connection. It's not about being a social butterfly or introvert or extrovert.
00:10:53
Speaker
People might call me an extrovert because I enjoy people and i I'm easy with, you know, starting conversation with anybody and whatever. think I'm ambivert, my psychologist friends said.
00:11:06
Speaker
ah But that's not the point. You can be an introvert and enjoy one and or two people and be really close to a couple. And that's absolutely fine. And that's how you build.
00:11:18
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Or you can be an extrovert and still be lonely. So it doesn't, it's not about that. It's about how you experience joyful conversations, joyful relationships, real but vulnerability, and actually knowing that you belong to somebody, that you belong to a community.
Faith and Community as a Remedy for Loneliness
00:11:41
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And this is ah for adoptees or not. But especially if you if you have a hard beginning, if your story involves tragedy and loss at the beginning of your life or...
00:11:54
Speaker
in the middle of your life or whatever, how it played out. um The fact that you are probably playing around in your mind with the idea that no one cares for you, that you are unseen, that no one really cares for you, that you are not worthy to be heard,
00:12:16
Speaker
are all lies. And we want to challenge that. And we want to say, if you hang around the right people, you will hear the truth enough times that it might break into your heart and start healing.
00:12:30
Speaker
Yes. Yes. So it's really important, the company that you keep, even if it's really a struggle at first, look for community, be proactive, especially if you're a young adult.
00:12:43
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And I know times are are difficult in the US can be, i find very isolating, very individualistic. um If you are a believer, we are called into community.
00:12:56
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And we bully I really have found that the Lord called me not only to himself, but to community. And he has given me the people that I need in every season of my life ah to be able to pull off what he called me to do.
00:13:18
Speaker
yes And I know he will do that for everyone. And when we go back to the word, you know God didn't create us to be alone. He told Adam, it's not good that man's alone. That's why he created Eve.
00:13:30
Speaker
And so relationships are so important. And when I was, you know i was even married and I was sharing with my mom for the first time, I'll never forget.
00:13:41
Speaker
And just sharing verbally, expressing love, how I was feeling and how the Lord was trying to bring healing in my life. And my mom, it was really hard for my mom to hear my pain of what I thought I felt like before.
00:13:58
Speaker
And God, he was so good. He provided um through radio, Christian radio in Chicago. My mom heard a testimony from an adult adoptee from Korea who shared very, very similar feelings as I was trying to express to her.
00:14:21
Speaker
But because this woman wasn't her daughter, exactly it was so much easier for her to listen. And my mom, I'm so thankful. She ordered the cassette. I know that really ages us. And sent it to me in Florida. It's And the point I'm trying to make is when i listen to Stephanie Fast share her story, you know, Aixa, I was never with Stephanie for decades after.
00:14:51
Speaker
i never met her. But the Lord brought a stage of healing and just in my mind, in that battle of my mind, understanding that I wasn't alone. Amen.
00:15:08
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And then in the future, he gave me the great gift of meeting her. And i literally felt like I was meeting a relative because she, God used her so much to bring healing to my life in that very pivotal point of my life.
00:15:25
Speaker
But, Community is what we're talking about. And reaching out.
Building Relationships and Communication
00:15:31
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And I reached out to Stephanie. I wrote her a letter. And she wrote me back. We communicated. We communicated.
00:15:38
Speaker
And sometimes it's not easy to get together physically and communicate or spend time together, even though I'm a quality time person. Like, I love...
00:15:49
Speaker
Getting together like this, having a cup of coffee and just really being face to face. That's yeah that's the best. But if it's not possible, like how we do our support groups, you do a support group with families, parents who are walking through what you know you're walking through and you want to be a support and an encouragement and not just celebrate the wonderful times, but walk together in the hard times. And I do the same with a support group.
00:16:17
Speaker
in Latin America for adult adoptees. And we encourage community, whether it's this way on via video, where we're connecting in our words. It's our words that are bringing life, that are bringing encouragement to each other.
00:16:32
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Like Stephanie, I never met Stephanie. But i heard her. i i heard her speak. I could identify with her. I read her letter. and then her.
00:16:45
Speaker
years later i met her but yeah But it was a relationship through our words and our encouragement. And I i believe that God wants to use our words in and not isolate us yeah where we're in silence, literal silence, where we are building walls up, o where we are guilty and won't let anybody in to even speak into those painful areas of our lives.
00:17:12
Speaker
We create at times that loneliness too. Yeah. Yeah, we give in to the lies. We give in to um our fear. There's, you know, lies and fear go so hand in hand.
00:17:26
Speaker
ah And it's a tragedy. And so we are people, we're children of the light, and we're children of the truth. And we are called by God to usher both light and truth.
00:17:41
Speaker
And that can only happen in the middle of a relationship. So we are confident that the Lord is calling you to take forward.
00:17:53
Speaker
Take a brave step. I know that you've been disappointed. You've been hurt. You've been rejected. You've been abandoned. um So many of you have experienced really terrible things, even inside Christian communities.
00:18:10
Speaker
But I'm telling you, the Lord is good and he's looking out for you. He's a good shepherd and he wants his flock to be safe and cozy. And he knows you by name. There's no accidental ah life lurking around. You are his. You are designed for his glory.
00:18:33
Speaker
And you are, there's invisible string that connects you to somebody. And it's a matter of trusting the Lord and hanging around people and just taking a brave step to, you know, initiate or accept an invitation to whatever.
00:18:56
Speaker
And, you know, the Lord does wonderful things over coffee or over, ah you know, hallway, you know, and you're friendly and you're human to another person. You never know.
00:19:10
Speaker
Yes, and we we represent both
Support for Adoptive Parents and Conclusion
00:19:12
Speaker
sides. We're not just talking about the lonely, adoptive, child or adult, um we're talking about parents because we've met a lot of parents who feel like, oh my goodness, I'm the only one suffering from this situation with my adopted child yeah or you know something that represents something really traumatic um as adoptive parents that they're struggling with. Yes.
00:19:36
Speaker
and you know God doesn't want those parents to be off feeling like failures or feeling like there's no hope. yeah And we represent both sides that we want to walk with, with both sides and say there is hope.
00:19:53
Speaker
There are groups of support. Yes. Both yeah here in Latin America. Yes. And in the United States. I was talking to somebody yesterday who wasn't aware that there's CAFO, Christian Alliance for the Orphans. It's a great movement that was started over 20 years ago now. Yes. um By a group of adoptive foster parents. And they their heart is to bring support.
00:20:19
Speaker
Yes. And encouragement and just to walk arm in arm with the church, the church. When I say the church, we, the church, in completing, you know, James 127. Yes. Looking out for the vulnerable children and walking with them.
00:20:38
Speaker
And we also represent the child. Mm-hmm. adult children where you don't have to feel alone. And so i know even in, um, which you can mention the, um, the group, our groups here in latin America, um,
00:20:54
Speaker
Yes, so we are very happy to say that we have a support group for parents and also for grown adoptees in Latin America.
00:21:07
Speaker
So that's all in Spanish, but if you know somebody, if they're interested, you can look up
00:21:20
Speaker
and that's where you can look for the information, the resources, the support, or just right write to us. There's a contact page um on whosmi.org.
00:21:33
Speaker
ah So we are happy to connect you to the people that are right for you. um We also recommend Foster the Family groups in the U.S. They have lots of chapters opening up constantly. And we're so thankful for that resource. So you are not alone, be it you're a child ah or a parent. You are not alone. You don't need to wallow on your shame or your pain or whatever it is There's light beyond the difficult situation and even in the middle of the typical difficult situation.
00:22:05
Speaker
So we're here for you, we're rooting for you, and you are not meant to live your life in loneliness, in isolation. So welcome to... pause and think and stick around because we're going to have a more meaningful, deep conversations. And it has been our joy to serve you today.
00:22:26
Speaker
Thanks for joining us for this episode of pause and think for more resources and information, go to whosami.org.