Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Choosing Love Daily: An Adoptive Mom’s Journey Through Attachment and Grace
27 Plays16 days ago
In this episode of Pause & Think, Aixa sits down with adoptive mom Kristen Williamson for an honest, mom-to-mom conversation about the realities of adopting older children. Together, they unpack the emotions few people talk about—grief, anger, guilt, unmet expectations, and the slow, difficult work of attachment.
Kristen shares her journey of parenting a child from a hard place while already raising biological children, navigating sibling dynamics, jealousy, and deep insecurity. Through faith, prayer, and perseverance, she reflects on how God continually reshapes her heart and reminds her that love is not just a feeling, but a daily decision.
This episode is for adoptive and foster moms who feel unseen, overwhelmed, or discouraged—and need the reminder that they are not alone, and that grace grows even in the hardest seasons.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Pause and Think' Podcast
00:00:02
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
00:00:22
Speaker
Welcome back to Pause and Think.
Meet Kristen Williamson
00:00:25
Speaker
My name is Aisha and I'm here in Guatemala City. I'm Jackie Darby's co-author. And today i am privileged and honored to have Kristen Williamson ah to chat with, just mom to mom. Kristen, I am an um an... adoptive mom twice. We have four kids. So my oldest, ah it's like a girl and a boy. We adopted six-year-old and then a year later, nine-year-old.
Unexpected Challenges in Adoptive Parenting
00:00:54
Speaker
And my bio kids were 10 and eight. So I sort of get it when you speak about the challenges and the hardship and the the how your your heartstrings are tugged as a mother. Yes. And so many things that, you know, you don't, you don't really read in books or go, even when you go through trauma informed care.
00:01:20
Speaker
Yes. What was the most surprising reaction in your own heart and mind man when came across certain behaviors or whatever Yeah. was i I would think I was surprised that I could even feel um like angry at her, I guess, you know, because of, you know, in the beginning before you bring the child home, and there's just so much... excitement and expectation of what you might think it's going to look like. And um and i felt bad for even, you know, feeling that. um
00:02:00
Speaker
But I was just like, don't understand how this child could act like this. Like, why is she not grateful? You know, like, and I felt bad for even thinking that.
00:02:11
Speaker
You know, but anyway, I don't even like saying it. But so that was surprising to me that I could feel that way. But I think just when you're under so much pressure and stress and you start feeling and things that, you know, your flesh starts coming out.
00:02:32
Speaker
Yeah. ah So would you think that like... our romanticizing adoption in skewed expectations to some level have to do with that very rude awakening with children from hard places coming into our lives.
00:02:53
Speaker
who Yeah. Would you, would you say that those expectations played a role? Yeah, I think so. I mean, because I feel like a lot of people, you know, on the outside looking in, like, adoption is romanticized. Like, oh, my gosh. Like, because, you know, when we told people we're adopted, they're just like, oh, my gosh. You know, like, just blah, blah, blah, on and on and on. And people still to this day, like, yeah.
00:03:16
Speaker
I just, I'm so proud of y'all, blah, blah. like, it we have done nothing. Like, do not be proud of us. But because this is just totally a God thing. You know, and I tell everyone that. Like, I never, ever take the credit for any of it. Because honestly,
00:03:32
Speaker
And I'm not just saying this, like I know, i don't know what some people might say, but I'm honestly telling the truth when I say that that is the only way that I've gotten through this. As as beautiful it as as it is and that the miracle that it is, um it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
00:03:50
Speaker
in my christian know that you know my Christian journey. Absolutely. Yes, I agree with you. in um Where have you found refuge? I know that you are a woman of faith, and i I bet that the truth of the gospel has sustained you, as you have mentioned. But outside of your own communion with God, what other aspects you think played a key role in...
Finding Support and Community
00:04:19
Speaker
keeping you from going a dangerous route in your own mind and heart.
00:04:26
Speaker
um Well, so really, as far as, um I guess, support groups and stuff, like there's not really many you know available for this type of thing here where we live. I mean, there's online resources and there are people like Miss Jackie and then some other women that i that I know from my previous church who have adopted, but their children are grown now. But still, they were there for me. Yeah.
00:04:52
Speaker
And they were able to kind of go back and remember what it was like, you know, in those early stages. And especially ones who had biological children already and adopted, you know, an older child. Because Sila was nine, we brought her home, and she's a girl. So that is very challenging as far as, you know, bringing home an older child rather than you know, a baby, which we knew it was gonna be an older child. So that was what God told us to do. But it still, you know, makes things a lot more difficult to adopt older children, which you did as well.
00:05:31
Speaker
Rather than newborns. Yes. I don't know if you got the question a lot, but I did. One of the top questions I got that first year is, how are your kids? Referring yeah to the bio kids. Oh, I got that a lot. How are your kids? Yeah. And how yeah so how have you um internalized that question? And what did what answer did you actually give out?
00:05:59
Speaker
Um, I got that question in the very beginning, even when we were telling people we were going adopt. Like when I told my family, the first question was, well, how do Adeline and Luke feel about this?
00:06:10
Speaker
You know, what are their thoughts on this? And I'm like, well, yeah obviously we involved them from the very beginning. um And of course they're excited at first, you know? um So I didn't really know how to, I guess, internalize it because I'm like,
00:06:26
Speaker
obviously it matters. Like, obviously it matters how they feel. And obviously we wanted them to be okay with it. But ultimately, like I knew God was going to take care of them because he called our family to do this. Like they're part of our family. So i really just had to kind of go back to that. Like, well, God called us to to do this. Like he's going to take
Impact on Biological Children
00:06:48
Speaker
care of them. It's going to be okay. But I don't really know how to take it. I guess when I get that question, I'm like,
00:06:54
Speaker
um I mean, they're fine, but like, you know, I mean, no, it's always hard for everybody, um you know, because it has been difficult for them. Of course. And, you know, you want to you want to be an ambassador in a way, an ambassador to, you know, to adoption and to your adopted kids. Yes. At the same time, you don't want to gloss over the difficult yeah parts. And want to keep their privacy privacy at the same time because they deserve to have a handle on their own story. So I get that struggle. Mm-hmm.
00:07:35
Speaker
i I just, I want to tell you that you are still very much in the thick of it and attachment is hard work and some people don't get it, especially when youre we when you have onlookers, you know, from the outside. Yeah. oh yeah This is a child that has come through multiple losses in their lives and they have had to fend for themselves.
00:08:03
Speaker
And they are integrating into a life that was absolutely foreign to them in every way possible. And you're fighting for their trust. You're fighting for their heart as you integrate and take care of the other kids. Right. So it's not an easy task. And some people don't seem to understand the complexity that comes from working at attachment. Love is hard work. And so I want encourage you today to to to think about love as, first of all, a decision it's something you're building. Yes. And and it and that is unpleasant.
00:08:46
Speaker
often ah So yes what are the what are the beauty points? Because the Lord, yeah there's a very good book that's called um Blocked Care. It's by Melissa Corkum and another co-author that I don't recall. But she talks about, you know, the the struggle and the burnout and the whole seeing with with children from hard places, integrating them in your family. And she recommends looking at something beautiful that you're grateful for every day. Something, something, something tiny, something maybe microscopic, but but something beautiful. What is something beautiful right now in your family life that you can say, Lord, thank you. This is a grace that you can actually contemplate.
Beauty and Growth in Adoption
00:09:38
Speaker
Yes. um I would, I mean, i would say that just when, like, even when I look at Sila and I see, like how far she's come in the short amount of time that she's been home um and just seeing that automatically she had love for us, you know? I mean, even though we know that she's still, that's still something that we're working on, but just being able to look at her and see the love that she does have for us, you know, that's beautiful to me.
00:10:12
Speaker
You know, for her to be able to to love us already, even from the beginning. um So even though I know there's there's still, the trust is definitely still, um you know, and an issue, but the love I feel like is, it's there.
00:10:29
Speaker
Yeah. what what is the the What is the one thing that you wish more adoptive would be? thought of before blending into adoption?
00:10:41
Speaker
You know, at this point of your story. Something we thought of more before? or prayed about or...
00:10:55
Speaker
I guess just more of like with the whole um attachment and bond, you know, dynamic, like really just praying more for God to prepare you for that.
00:11:10
Speaker
um because we do this hours and hours of training, but none of it can prepare you for when you're in it. So I really wish I would have more, like just in my prayer time and in my quiet time, would have asked God to just, you know, prepare my heart more for the challenges of that, because it's it's very challenging.
00:11:32
Speaker
You know, because you didn't birth this child. You don't naturally have it. You know, and you're having to go backwards, especially when you adopt an older child. I'm having to go backwards nine years of her life and do and do things that you would do with the baby, but we're doing them with nine-year-old.
00:11:51
Speaker
So I think just praying more about God preparing you for— No, it doesn't, like because when you look at them, you're like, well, you're nine. Like, why do you want me to rock you You know? Yes. Yes. um So it's just it's just being prepared more. and just I think really just um soften your heart more. Like just really focus on praying for that. Like God just humble me more, soften my heart more because it's going to be on the outside looking in, you're going to be like, I'm not doing this with a nine-year-old child. But but it's necessary. You know, and it's fair you have to really just switch your mindset completely.
00:12:29
Speaker
Exactly. You have to do that a but Unlearn everything you know about parenting. Unlearn Yes, and relearn your child, your particular child, and cater to her needs. yeah Because as as you would with a newborn, you wouldn't expect a newborn to eat a steak in the same manner.
00:12:51
Speaker
you are kids that come from traumatic experiences need so much yes patient care and paced um you know, approach to so many things that you, you are, done you know, some stuff that I was very surprised to yeah to see, you know, just going to the supermarket was overwhelming.
00:13:17
Speaker
um Oh, yeah. You know, having access to a refrigerator. was yeah was you know a big deal in stuff that you don't even take into account. Not to mention the more complex dynamics with with the but with my bio children, with their siblings now. yeah I don't know about you, but one of the most um
00:13:43
Speaker
bigger challenges for me as um as a mom was dealing with a sibling rivalry that came from a deeper wound.
00:13:55
Speaker
it It's just not
Sibling Rivalry and Gospel Perspectives
00:13:56
Speaker
the same as normal, um you know, sibling rivalry, but a deep sense of insecurity and of fear that attacks in a way that I had not seen in my own family. So yeah that took me aback, my in like instantaneous instinct to...
00:14:19
Speaker
just defend and say, hey, like, you know, your brother, your sister gave up so much in my mind. You know, I never said it out loud. That's what I want to. Yes. But, ah but, you know, you feel like, wait a minute, you have no idea, which brings me to the gospel. It's like, wait, wait,
00:14:39
Speaker
you realize how we treat Jesus and how we treated Jesus. And it's just like, Lord, I have, I really have no idea what your love is capable of because you call us to this very natural, you know, fit in our world, in our human experience to to go through the process of adopting a little stranger yeah And you understand the gospel at a different level, I think. Yeah, absolutely. what is how you know
00:15:10
Speaker
How have you dealt or are still learning to deal with that kind of you know, ah sibling challenge? um Yeah, because it's still it's still um an issue and it's had different... Ongoing.
00:15:24
Speaker
Yeah, it's ongoing. It's had different dynamics. um So, if that's if okay, I'll kind of start from the beginning of when she first yeah came home like with her siblings. Yeah. The first um dynamic was naturally she attached to Adeline. um And Adeline was 15 at the time when Sala came home. and Sala previously had um a potential sister that was the same age. Because she had a lady who was in the process of adopting her. And that that lady had a 15-year-old daughter at the time. So Sala had a familiarity, I guess, with having an older sister. So she immediately...
00:16:04
Speaker
um attached to Adeline and clung to her and things were good then. But with Luke, she wanted nothing to do with him. Like wouldn't even look at him.
00:16:16
Speaker
um And that was very, like, not only hard for Luke, but for me as a mother, it was very hard. Mm-hmm.
00:16:31
Speaker
Oh my I wouldn't cry. um I think it was it was hardest because it's like, like you said, you naturally want to defend.
Improving Sibling Relationships
00:16:40
Speaker
I don't know why we feel like we need to do that for our kids, you know, but as moms, we do.
00:16:45
Speaker
um But yeah, it was, I think it was, but when we, you know, seeing therapists and going to counseling and stuff, um because we did, we've we've been doing that, but she was able to kind of pinpoint the fact that Sala, you know, she'd never had a brother and whenever...
00:17:02
Speaker
She would do occupational therapy there at the center when they would ask her, like, what's your idea of a family? And this was in her paperwork, but it had been so long since I, I guess, looked at her paperwork or even, i don't even think I noticed that in the very beginning when I was reading it. And I've read it several times since, but she said, like, they said, what's your idea of a family? And she said, ah a mom a dad, and a sister.
00:17:25
Speaker
So like having a brother was never her idea of a family. Right. um And so knowing that it kind of, cause Luke, I mean, it hurt him. Like it really, cause they're closer in age.
00:17:38
Speaker
Luke and Sila, they're only two years apart. um And it was hard for him because no matter what he did, she just, like, it was it was very hard. our Knowing that we've overcome that is really a miracle.
00:17:52
Speaker
And it took a lot of prayer, like so many people praying. um But it was it helped to be able to tell him that, like, it's not you. Like, you're not doing anything wrong. Yeah. It's not that she doesn't like you. She doesn't even know how to have a brother, like, or even process the idea of having a brother, you know?
00:18:13
Speaker
And so I had to, like, tell myself that, too, because naturally I wanted to get angry and defend Luke and be like, you're not going to treat him like this. Like, he's waited forever. three years for you to be here, and how could you do that? You know, like, all those things naturally that you want to say.
00:18:29
Speaker
um But then I have to be able to can switch my mind back to like, it's this ah it has nothing to do with that. Like, it's not Luke. Sala doesn't even know what she's doing. like She doesn't even realize, you know, but it was, it was so bad. It was to the extent of, I had pictures of them in my car and I have Pfizer and I have like Adeline's picture, Luke's picture, Sal's picture. And i had Luke and Sal's picture on one side just because it fit better right there and Adeline's on the other. And she asked me to move her picture by Adeline.
00:19:05
Speaker
like it was to that extent and that was so hard for me so in that moment that's when I kind of and I didn't get like I didn't get upset because I think I had already just been upset about it so in that moment I was able to say Sala what is it like what makes you not want to be around Luke like what makes you feel that way And so we were kind of able to, like, dissect it a little bit and just kind of dig deep. And now she loves it. Like, now.
00:19:36
Speaker
And it was hard because it kind of made him build up some, like, resistance towards her. um You know, because for so long he was rejected. And so then he got to where when she was wanting to play with him, he was kind like, yeah, you know.
00:19:52
Speaker
And that's natural. Like, that's how you, that's naturally how it is when you get rejected so much, you end up putting a wall off, you know, but anyways, all that's better. Um, and now Adeline and Sala aren't.
00:20:06
Speaker
It's, um, they're having some, even though Adeline's 16 and Sala's 10, um, um There's a lot of, there was jealousy in the very beginning, like Sila, which you would think it would have opposite. You would think like biological children would be jealous, but it wasn't. It was Sila.
00:20:26
Speaker
She was very jealous of what we had. um And I'm sure like as a daughter, you know, as a daughter and mother, you know, most mothers and daughters have the bond. Yeah.
00:20:40
Speaker
And, you know, so I had to be able to take my mind to like, well, she's coming in and she she doesn't even know, but self-consciously she doesn't have what me and Adeline have and she's watching it and she's trying to say like, where do I fit in? Like, where do I belong? You know? um So there was jealousy from the very beginning and it's hard because i think with with Adalyn now, especially being the oldest, and she's like, Mom, you can't let her act like that. Like, she needs to be in trouble. Like, you know, so I have the pressure of Adalyn and Luke being like, why do you let her act like this? This is not okay. She needs to be disciplined. She needs to whip And she needs, you know, so I not only have pressure already, then I have them on me because I'm not i'm not parenting her the same as I did them.
00:21:36
Speaker
Sure. Yeah, sure. It's very hard to adopt when you already have children.
Complexities of Blended Families
00:21:41
Speaker
Yes, yes, it has. It has a quota of of challenges that is they're very hard to navigate.
00:21:49
Speaker
And i just want to encourage you in the and the moms listening to us that the Lord will guide and grant wisdom for each situation in each yes sibling group and in challenge. And we kind of ah forget that this is a very complex little human coming into a very complex situation.
00:22:16
Speaker
Yes. Group of humans that are already, you know, established. And so yeah that is not an easy thing to to do. Yeah. It's not an easy thing. Yeah.
00:22:27
Speaker
and And at the same time, it's worthwhile. You know it's worthwhile. You know this child is worthy of protection and love and family.
00:22:40
Speaker
And it's really hard to pull yourself apart from the situation and just see it for what it is. It's not personal, but man, it hurts. So I, I, I understand your tears. I've been there so many times. And so just in closing, what would, what will you say is a prayer that we can actually go before God and say for adoptive moms of older kids?
00:23:13
Speaker
Um, I would say just prayer for um just God to soften our hearts to the child's needs and the things that, you know, we're not we're not able to understand it, but God knows and God knows their needs. He knows their hearts. He knows what they've been through because there's things that we don't even know that she's been through or not. um So really just praying for God.
00:23:41
Speaker
God is talking our hearts towards towards their needs instead of making it about our own needs. Just really putting the focus on child's needs.
00:23:54
Speaker
Because in that moment, it is going to be hard to be able to think like we're talking right now, because right now it's not hard. Right now, it's easy to think about Sila and what she's been through and the reason she acts the way she does. When I talk about it, it makes sense.
00:24:12
Speaker
um yeah So really just being able to remember that in that moment. And it's not always going to happen, but but God has been able to always bring me back to that moment.
00:24:24
Speaker
mindset Like even when I get angry or get upset, he's always able to bring me back and remind me of the reality of what I'm mean yeah Because the reality is it will it's difficult, you know, and yes it
Prayer and Closure
00:24:38
Speaker
helps. It really does help when he brings me back to it. I'm like, thank you, Lord, for reminding me like what, you know, what her situation is and how hard this is for her.
00:24:47
Speaker
Cause it, I can't imagine being who's like being her, you know? um if f Absolutely. Yeah. And i would also um pray for everything you need yes um to be provided, you know, it. Yes, absolutely. listen hears with that Hear you without judgment, wise counsel,
00:25:13
Speaker
specific, you know, heartwarming moments and um events and people around you because we cannot do this alone. And in part, this is why we do the podcast because maybe somebody that doesn't have another mom to cry with will listen to us and and be understood.
00:25:36
Speaker
And so we want to invite you if you need um any kind of support, if you want to go in and and just share the episodes that we have on hand um and contact us with your story.
00:25:50
Speaker
We would love to to listen to you and to pray for you. And so thank you, Kristen, again, for your precious time, your precious testimony. We hope and pray that the Lord keep providing everything you need according to the riches in Christ and that you and your family may be kept in his in his hands as he has promised. And so yes we really appreciate you. We appreciate your your time and your heart. And we look forward to meeting you.
00:26:23
Speaker
Yes. Can't wait. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much.
00:26:31
Speaker
Thanks for joining us for this episode of Pause and Think. For more resources and information, go to whosami.org.